Tag Team Turmoil: Little Jon vs The Hardly Boys
Nov 25, 2012 19:06:39 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Nov 25, 2012 19:06:39 GMT -5
Stu Little
The Rise of Little Jon
Hey guys,
Just off the bat, I'm going to say I'm not getting anything with JB King this week. I never wanted a feud and I'm too occupied with this tag team shit to be bothered. So King, knock yourself. Post your photoshopped "28 Year Old Virgin" movie poster, or whatever you're going to do. My dance card's full enough.
I can't believe Kane's "I lurk in basements and scare children regardless" comment from SmackDown last week hasn't become more of a thing, especially round here. Are we just too loyal to BVA having that gimmick or what?
I thought Survivor Series was pretty solid to good, especially with the main event's ending. I expected Punk to pull out a win, if they HAD to have Ryback win the title, I figured it would be better by having him pin Cena. Punk has been portrayed as a chickenshit who's only still champion due to sneakiness, so what would Ryback prove by defeating him? Beating Cena clean would have given him more of a push, while also allowing Punk to make the case that he's still Best In The World because he was never defeated for the title. Everybody wins. But I am happy with the trio of The Uncanny NXT-Men showing up and attacking him, not least of all because we got our first extended Ryback promo and it wasn't too bad. However, for god's sake, can we drop the food puns already? Nobody "stole food out of a starving man's mouth" Ryback. You're not ethiopian, you're not Oliver Twist, you don't look malnourished whatsoever. And "you and your 3 men are my prey" just sounded very rapey.
Did you guys notice when they did the splitscreen of Kofi and Barrett walking through the backstage area, Kofi was looking to his left as if he could see Barrett? Intentional or not, they should do that more.
We also got AJ bursting into the men's locker room, which resulted in someone reacting with the bawdy language of "Shoo!". Thankfully nobody went so far as to say "Gosh Darn!". Dolph aslo verbally devastated AJ by deconstructing her personality so astutely. I guess that's the sort of insight into the female mind you get from being a former cheerleader.
Now onto business, the tag team championship tournament. Team Little Jon is ready, and there's only one theme a team like that can have, so HIT. OUR. MUSIC!
*"Everything I Do, I Do For You" by Bryan Adams"*
(Andy play the part of Stu(accent optional), Chris, take Jon)
Jon: I still think we should have went with "Men In Tights".
Stu: You need to stop thinking like you're still Cam Gullett's partner. And besides, with Bryan Adams, we've got the Canadian vote locked!
Jon: Shouldn't we be targeting the Americans since there's way more of them?
Stu: I'd love to, but there's no Robin Hood related songs written by Lit.
Jon: Lit?
Stu: Lit.
Jon: LIT?
Stu: LIT!! Anyway, if I'm going to be stuck with you as my partner, I'm going to call the shots. I do carry a lot more prestige than you.
Jon: I don't know about that...
Stu: My record speaks for itself. Besides, I'm definitely a trade up. You know what the difference is between Cam Gullett and Superstorm Sandy?
Jon: No, what?
Stu: One's a big pain in the ass with a girl's name that will suck you off at a moment's notice-
Jon: And the other's Superstorm Sandy?
Stu: No, the other's an annoying ginger fuckface from Arkansas. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE PUNCHLINE, I CHANGE THE JOKE! I came here to win this tournament and eat shortbread, and I'm all out of shortbread. I guess Nate Corbitt needs to bake up another batch. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
Jon: You really think we can go all the way in the tournament?
Stu: Anything can happen, even me getting laid. But we have to focus on our first opponents...The Hardly Boys. And what a team they are.
Dustin, at last we meet in proper battle. I've been calling you out for weeks now, and you've been long absent. But finally, The Scottish Samurai and the Catholic Curbstomper will clash!
Jon: Um, that's not Faber.
Stu: What?
Jon: That's Dustin HAWES.
Stu: ...who?
Jon: You know, the guy feuding with Spence Hopkins for some unexplained reason?
Stu: Oh. Well...what else do we know about him?
Jon: I dunno...he's from Utah?
Stu: Nah, that's no good. I think people are sick of Mormon jokes by now...um, fuck it, onto Spence! The Ryback of Monday Night Flaw. You've certainly had an impressive rise, becoming a world champion in a relatively short amount of time. But your facing the first, longest reigning and most title winning World Champion of this network. I'm the Ric Flair of this dump, and not just because I'm just shy of being destitute! Now let me put this into terms you understand:
WARRIORS! I HAVE COME TO YOUR FROM THE DENSE DARK FOREST SITUATED IN THE NETHER REALM BETWEEN AJ LEE'S THIGHS! I HAVE BATTLED ITS MANY HORRORS AND SEEN IT'S WONDERS! SUCH AS THE MUTATED TOFU PARASITES THAT EMIGRATED FROM DANIEL BRYAN'S BEARD! HUSTLE LOYALTY AND RESPECT ARE DUE TO ME, FOR MY JOURNEY THERE WAS TO RETRIEVE EXCESS ESSENCE OF CENA, AND I SUCCEEDED, AND NOW THE INFINITE POWER OF THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION IS MINE TO BE UNLEASHED! GO FUCK YOURSELF ADAM DAN, AS YOUR WISH FOR UNRESTRICTED INTERNET ACCESS IS DENIED! EAT A BAG OF DICKS, DEVSOP! THE AGE OF CONSENT WILL NOT BE LOWERED, BUT IN FACT, INCREASED TO 35! CHRIS ALT, BUFFALO WILD WINGS WILL NOT BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY! I AM THE ALPHA! I AM THE OMEGA! I AM THE THETA PI! I AM THE PECAN PIE! I WISH FOR ALL OTHER TEAMS TO FALL IN THIS TOURNAMENT, AND FOR MY RISE TO BE UNSTOPPABLE, UNLIKE JB KING GOING THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY! AUSTRIAN M&M CONCRETE DAIQUIRI UMBRELLA BICYCLE PUMP! GAAAAAHRHHRRGGGGHHHAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*Stu tags in Jon*
Jon: Yeah....Bitch!
*Jon tags out*
Stu: I think we've made our point.
Stu and (technically) Jon
Dustin Hawes
Hardly
What up other douchebag tag teams? The Hardly Boys here..... Hardly keeping
your attention, hardly keeping you hard, and hardly caring about the tag
team tournament. Do we think we stand a chance..... Not HARDLY........ Hey,
do you guys? Do you guys get it? Hardly.... Fuck it whatever. That joke
was hardly even worth putting in this shit email anyways.
So, which versions of Roseanne Druin are we up against this week? Here's
the thing, I'm actually kind of happy for Jon. With this tag tournament, he
has half as many emails to write. Furthermore, since I and every other
damned emailer are also versions of a Druin, his chances of taking this
tournament straight to the bank are incredibly high. So, in the event of a
Jon Druin vs Jon Druin final match..... Good luck to James Ryan.
Jon Druin has more personalities than Adele has hiding places for her
stockpile of Hostess goods. Jon Druin is more schizophrenic than an Insane
Clown Posse concert. Jon Druin keeps more driver's licenses than Jim
Enright keeps chins. I can only imagine Jon's face every damn time he
checks his recently played list on Netflix. #mindblown
Hot tag to Spence
WARRIORS!
Ha ha just kidding you fuckers. The Warrior is still as dead as Jon Druin
Truth's Little Jimmy act. Seriously though, how many personalities does it
take to send in 13 emails? The answer..... An equal amount to the number of
hairs on the Alter Boy's dome. Which, by Andy Gaston's calculator watch
calculations...... Is 17.
Whatevs,
The Hardly Boys......... Hardly shopping at Kroger since 1985
P.S. Calculator watches are a common trait with the Wolf Shirt community.
The Rise of Little Jon
Hey guys,
Just off the bat, I'm going to say I'm not getting anything with JB King this week. I never wanted a feud and I'm too occupied with this tag team shit to be bothered. So King, knock yourself. Post your photoshopped "28 Year Old Virgin" movie poster, or whatever you're going to do. My dance card's full enough.
I can't believe Kane's "I lurk in basements and scare children regardless" comment from SmackDown last week hasn't become more of a thing, especially round here. Are we just too loyal to BVA having that gimmick or what?
I thought Survivor Series was pretty solid to good, especially with the main event's ending. I expected Punk to pull out a win, if they HAD to have Ryback win the title, I figured it would be better by having him pin Cena. Punk has been portrayed as a chickenshit who's only still champion due to sneakiness, so what would Ryback prove by defeating him? Beating Cena clean would have given him more of a push, while also allowing Punk to make the case that he's still Best In The World because he was never defeated for the title. Everybody wins. But I am happy with the trio of The Uncanny NXT-Men showing up and attacking him, not least of all because we got our first extended Ryback promo and it wasn't too bad. However, for god's sake, can we drop the food puns already? Nobody "stole food out of a starving man's mouth" Ryback. You're not ethiopian, you're not Oliver Twist, you don't look malnourished whatsoever. And "you and your 3 men are my prey" just sounded very rapey.
Did you guys notice when they did the splitscreen of Kofi and Barrett walking through the backstage area, Kofi was looking to his left as if he could see Barrett? Intentional or not, they should do that more.
We also got AJ bursting into the men's locker room, which resulted in someone reacting with the bawdy language of "Shoo!". Thankfully nobody went so far as to say "Gosh Darn!". Dolph aslo verbally devastated AJ by deconstructing her personality so astutely. I guess that's the sort of insight into the female mind you get from being a former cheerleader.
Now onto business, the tag team championship tournament. Team Little Jon is ready, and there's only one theme a team like that can have, so HIT. OUR. MUSIC!
*"Everything I Do, I Do For You" by Bryan Adams"*
(Andy play the part of Stu(accent optional), Chris, take Jon)
Jon: I still think we should have went with "Men In Tights".
Stu: You need to stop thinking like you're still Cam Gullett's partner. And besides, with Bryan Adams, we've got the Canadian vote locked!
Jon: Shouldn't we be targeting the Americans since there's way more of them?
Stu: I'd love to, but there's no Robin Hood related songs written by Lit.
Jon: Lit?
Stu: Lit.
Jon: LIT?
Stu: LIT!! Anyway, if I'm going to be stuck with you as my partner, I'm going to call the shots. I do carry a lot more prestige than you.
Jon: I don't know about that...
Stu: My record speaks for itself. Besides, I'm definitely a trade up. You know what the difference is between Cam Gullett and Superstorm Sandy?
Jon: No, what?
Stu: One's a big pain in the ass with a girl's name that will suck you off at a moment's notice-
Jon: And the other's Superstorm Sandy?
Stu: No, the other's an annoying ginger fuckface from Arkansas. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE PUNCHLINE, I CHANGE THE JOKE! I came here to win this tournament and eat shortbread, and I'm all out of shortbread. I guess Nate Corbitt needs to bake up another batch. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
Jon: You really think we can go all the way in the tournament?
Stu: Anything can happen, even me getting laid. But we have to focus on our first opponents...The Hardly Boys. And what a team they are.
Dustin, at last we meet in proper battle. I've been calling you out for weeks now, and you've been long absent. But finally, The Scottish Samurai and the Catholic Curbstomper will clash!
Jon: Um, that's not Faber.
Stu: What?
Jon: That's Dustin HAWES.
Stu: ...who?
Jon: You know, the guy feuding with Spence Hopkins for some unexplained reason?
Stu: Oh. Well...what else do we know about him?
Jon: I dunno...he's from Utah?
Stu: Nah, that's no good. I think people are sick of Mormon jokes by now...um, fuck it, onto Spence! The Ryback of Monday Night Flaw. You've certainly had an impressive rise, becoming a world champion in a relatively short amount of time. But your facing the first, longest reigning and most title winning World Champion of this network. I'm the Ric Flair of this dump, and not just because I'm just shy of being destitute! Now let me put this into terms you understand:
WARRIORS! I HAVE COME TO YOUR FROM THE DENSE DARK FOREST SITUATED IN THE NETHER REALM BETWEEN AJ LEE'S THIGHS! I HAVE BATTLED ITS MANY HORRORS AND SEEN IT'S WONDERS! SUCH AS THE MUTATED TOFU PARASITES THAT EMIGRATED FROM DANIEL BRYAN'S BEARD! HUSTLE LOYALTY AND RESPECT ARE DUE TO ME, FOR MY JOURNEY THERE WAS TO RETRIEVE EXCESS ESSENCE OF CENA, AND I SUCCEEDED, AND NOW THE INFINITE POWER OF THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION IS MINE TO BE UNLEASHED! GO FUCK YOURSELF ADAM DAN, AS YOUR WISH FOR UNRESTRICTED INTERNET ACCESS IS DENIED! EAT A BAG OF DICKS, DEVSOP! THE AGE OF CONSENT WILL NOT BE LOWERED, BUT IN FACT, INCREASED TO 35! CHRIS ALT, BUFFALO WILD WINGS WILL NOT BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY! I AM THE ALPHA! I AM THE OMEGA! I AM THE THETA PI! I AM THE PECAN PIE! I WISH FOR ALL OTHER TEAMS TO FALL IN THIS TOURNAMENT, AND FOR MY RISE TO BE UNSTOPPABLE, UNLIKE JB KING GOING THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY! AUSTRIAN M&M CONCRETE DAIQUIRI UMBRELLA BICYCLE PUMP! GAAAAAHRHHRRGGGGHHHAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*Stu tags in Jon*
Jon: Yeah....Bitch!
*Jon tags out*
Stu: I think we've made our point.
Stu and (technically) Jon
Dustin Hawes
Hardly
What up other douchebag tag teams? The Hardly Boys here..... Hardly keeping
your attention, hardly keeping you hard, and hardly caring about the tag
team tournament. Do we think we stand a chance..... Not HARDLY........ Hey,
do you guys? Do you guys get it? Hardly.... Fuck it whatever. That joke
was hardly even worth putting in this shit email anyways.
So, which versions of Roseanne Druin are we up against this week? Here's
the thing, I'm actually kind of happy for Jon. With this tag tournament, he
has half as many emails to write. Furthermore, since I and every other
damned emailer are also versions of a Druin, his chances of taking this
tournament straight to the bank are incredibly high. So, in the event of a
Jon Druin vs Jon Druin final match..... Good luck to James Ryan.
Jon Druin has more personalities than Adele has hiding places for her
stockpile of Hostess goods. Jon Druin is more schizophrenic than an Insane
Clown Posse concert. Jon Druin keeps more driver's licenses than Jim
Enright keeps chins. I can only imagine Jon's face every damn time he
checks his recently played list on Netflix. #mindblown
Hot tag to Spence
WARRIORS!
Ha ha just kidding you fuckers. The Warrior is still as dead as Jon Druin
Truth's Little Jimmy act. Seriously though, how many personalities does it
take to send in 13 emails? The answer..... An equal amount to the number of
hairs on the Alter Boy's dome. Which, by Andy Gaston's calculator watch
calculations...... Is 17.
Whatevs,
The Hardly Boys......... Hardly shopping at Kroger since 1985
P.S. Calculator watches are a common trait with the Wolf Shirt community.