PHWF 5: Entitlement


JF- Welcome to PHWF! I am Joey Fashions and with me is our humble leader and the MAN himself. The Punisher Nate Corbitt!

Pun- What's up, Joey?

JF- Wanna tell everyone why you're here?

Pun- Yeah. I have to address a few concerns. The league is falling apart already and I'm here to straiten a few things out. I have guys trying to kill each other. I have guys who won't stop complaining. Moral is low, and I have a few solutions. I'm gonna fix everything today!

JF- Alright! Well first off, we have the man who was one win away from the PHWF Championship. He is The Main Event! Chris Cole. And he's facing S-Y-B right now. Let's go down to the ring.


CHRIS COLE VS. S-Y-B

Chris Cole comes down to the ring and SYB is already waiting for him. Cole looks annoyed. He slides into the ring and wastes no time attacking him with rights. He throws him to the ropes and hits a big running knee. He picks SYB right beck up, throws him to the ropes and does a big powerslam. He spits into the audience and picks SYB back up and delivers THE HEADLINER! He grabs SYB, pulls him back up and delivers ANOTHER HEADLINER! He looks around for a second then finally pins him.

WINNER in 1:27- Chris Cole

He grabs a mic

CC- What the hell is going on here?! I'm The Main Event! I am Chris Cole, goddammit! And I'm out here jerking the curtain against the biggest jobber on the planet. What the hell is this, Punisher? Last week, I'm headlining. This week I'm in the opening fucking match!

Pun- Looks like that's my cue. Settle down, Chris. You got an easy win. Now go home. LD Williams is the number one contender, not you. You have to earn that right. And this win certainly makes you look better is my eyes. Can't you just take that for what it is?

CC- Yeah. Sweet. I got a win over S-Y-B. I'm real fuckin' satisfied. I want ALT! I want the PHWF Championship!

Pun- And you'll have him...just as soon as I decide you've earned it.

CC- Earned it? I make this podunk fed of yours look better just by being here. You need me a LOT more than I need your stupid league. And you should give me what I want or I might walk.

Pun- You wanna walk? Fine. Walk. See if I care. We don't need you. Would we be better off without you? Probably not. You're a big draw, but I'm not gonna change everything I'm doing just to please one man. Keep winning and maybe we'll talk.

CC- Maybe put me up against somebody worth beating then.

SYB- Hey!

Chris Cole grabs S-Y-B and does yet another Headliner.

CC- Because this is a waste of my time.


JF- Oh my God! We're already off to controversy here on PHWF.

Pun- These guys. What are you gonna do with them?

JF- Its not my place, Pun. And I don't want it to be.

Pun- No one does. What's next for us, Joey?

JF- Next is a four way N-Sanity shootout. Viet Cong Viper, Ryan Insert, The Knife and Kenji will meet and destroy one another. Viper has shown himself to be a dominant force in the N-Sanity division, while Insert has yet to pick up a win. The Knife is out to punish all the sinners and Kenji is foreign!

Pun- There's more to Kenji than that.

JF- Nope! He's just foreign! Hey, what's the insentive for a win here?

Pun- I'll tell you what. Whoever wins this match can have a match against any N-Sanity superstar they want. You guys here me in the back? Whoever you want! You want a shot at the winner of tonight's N-Sanity Championship match? You can have him! You want any of these guys? Fine by me. Any match you want against any N-Sanity superstar.

JF- That's a hell of a stipulation? Any match? Any time?

Pun- Any match. Any time.

JF- Who will come out on top? Let's find out!


VIET CONG VIPER VS. RYAN INSERT VS. THE KNIFE VS. KENJI

Viet Cong Viper comes out first and takes the mic. "Rookie heah! I am the bes' wresserrah in this reague! I wirr win this match and take on whoevah it N-Sanity Champion aftah tonight! No one can stop Viet Cong Vipah! Not Lyan, Knife or-ah Kenji! I am numbah one!" The others all make their entrences. Suddenly they all go after Viper and pound him to the ground. Kenji suddenly kicks Knife under the chin and Insert tackles Kenji. Knife comes back and he and Insert double suplex Kenji. They then pick up Viper and double powerbomb him. Then suddenly Knife hits a Cutter on Insert! He tries to pin him already, but Insert kicks out on two. Knife stands up only to be release german suplexed by Viper. Viper leaps up to the toprope. SUN MYUNG MOONSAULT! Viper tries to pin Knife, but Kenji breaks it up. Insert spins Kenji around and does a facebuster. He tries to pin him but it is broken up by Viper. Viper and Insert meet face to face then suddenly trade punches. Viper grabs Insert around the neck and Insert breaks his hold and leaps up driving his knee into Viper's jaw. He picks Viper back up until he is Stab Superkicked over the toprope by Knife. Kenji kicks Knife in the back of the head and he stumbles forward and outside the ring as well. Viper is up and he and Kenji trade sidekicks, Kenji leaps up for a spinning kick which Viper ducks. Viper with a roundhouse, which Kenji avoides. They both hit run to the ropes and fly at each other with flying dropkicks, they BOTH connect and knock each other to the ground. Viper gets up slowly and blocks a kick from Kenji who is already up, he drags Kenji in, grabs him around the neck and delivers a ddt, rolls through and hits a second ddt. Me love you...can he hit the third? There it is! LONG TIME! He waits until Kenji is about to get up runs at him for the elbow, suddenly he sidesteps Kenji and hits The Tet Offensive on Knife! What? I didn't even see that Knife had gotten back into the ring, but Viper did! He turns around and levels Kenji with the Tet Offensive as well! He realizes that one man is missing and looks around for Insert, but its too late, Insert has already made it to the toprope and is in the air before Viper sees him backflipping through the air, catching Viper with his legs and frankensteiner-ing him through the ropes and outside the ring! RYANCANRANA! He drags Knife next to Kenji and goes to the toprope. THE FINAL COUNTDOWN! He hits both of them and stays on Knife for the pin. 1-2-3!

WINNER in 8:26- Ryan Insert!

He grabs a mic.

RI- Any match I want, right Pun?

Pun- Any match against any N-Sanity superstar you want. You want the winner of Concrete/Adrenaline?

RI- As enticing as that is. No. I was Ryan Tab! And I want him one on one, gimmick for gimmick. If he wins, I'll change my name, get a new finisher and start dressing differently. But, if I win, Tab, you have to drop everything about your act that you stole from me. Can you make that for me, Pun?

Pun- You got it.

JF- Oh my God! Has something like this EVER been done before!?

Pun- Yeah. Bunch of times.

JF- Oh. Okay then. Let's move one shall we? The aformentioned Ryan Tab meets a large powerful man in MGB. How do you see this one going down, Pun?

Pun- I'm not sure Tab will make it to 6 to face Insert. But anything can happen, right?

JF- It certainly can.


MGB VS. RYAN TAB

Ryan Tab enters wearing his neck brace, with the words “Completely and Fully Healed” written on it. Convincing. MGB runs in and attempts to lariat Tab’s neck, but instead impales the referee. Literally impales. He’s an extra from 300.

MGB: Oops.

Pun: All right, listen you two. I’m kind of short on referees tonight, so I’m going to have to give you guys….Referee Sir Oliver The Easily Distracted!!

Sir Oliver gets in the ring and this match is ON! MGB flails wildly at Tab’s neck, but Tab manages to drop him with a drop toehold. Tab rolls over and locks a cross-face in on MGB. MGB tries to drag himself to the ropes, but he can’t escape Tab’s hold. Oliver is looking to see if MGB is going to tap when—

Oliver: Does anyone have popcorn?

Sir Oliver wanders off into the audience looking for popcorn. MGB takes the opportunity to rake Tab’s eyes, who then releases the hold. MGB rips Tab’s neck brace off, and then clotheslines him down. MGB locks in a neck vice on Tab as Oliver comes back in with popcorn.

Oliver: My goodness! I could have sworn the other guy was in a hold just a moment ago.

Tab is howling in pain, but he manages to flip MGB over with a spinning suplex. MGB reaches for Tab’s neck, but Tab throws him with a belly-to-belly suplex. MGB stumbles up and gestures to a friend in the audience who pulls out his laser pointer and projects it on the ring.

Oliver: Is that a butterfly?

Sir Oliver chases the laser pointer in and around the ring while MGB low blows Tab over and over. MGB runs out of the ring, grabs a chair and jams it into Tab’s neck over and over. He then puts him back into a neck vice as the laser pointer goes off. Oliver is confused, but goes over to the hold. Amazingly, Tab manages to muster enough to throw MGB off.

MGB: Look! The butterfly is back?

Oliver: Where?

Oliver goes and chases the reappearing laser point. MGB gestures to the entire front row—filled with his family members, who all run in and stomp Tab’s neck. That’s his finisher~! One of them hits his neck over and over with a steel baseball bat. They all then run away, and MGB locks Tab in another neck vice. The laser pointer goes off, Oliver turns around, and Tab has to tap because he doesn’t want to get decapitated like that other guy.

Winner in 4:32--MGB


JF- Oh my God! That can't be legal!

Pun- Yeah well. I'll handle MGB in due time. He won't do this crap unchecked for long. Someone find out if Tab can move his extemities and get him out of the ring.

JF- Coming up next the nie-invulnerable Spin Freakin' Hansen take on the big fat winning machine Attitude Adjuster. What can you tell me about these two, Pun?

Pun- Adjuster is a big fat bitching machine, is what he is. He thinks he deserves so much, let's see if he cen actually win a match first.

JF- Ouch! Let's see.


ATTITUDE ADJUSTER vs. SPIN HANSEN

Spin makes his way to the ring, as he gets about halfway down the aisle someone jumps the railing and attacks him! IT’S ATTITUDE ADJUSTER! We notice that AA is wearing a mysterious glove of doom on one hand. Who does he think he is, Blackjack Mulligan? Will this come into play later on? Keep reading! AA hammers away on Spin driving him to the floor. AA grabs a chair from the audience and repeatedly slams it across Spin’s back and head until the big man is barely moving. AA pulls Spin to his feet and runs him into the ring post, opening an old cut on his head. AA pauses for a moment to yell at the crowd who is booing him lustily. AA rolls Spin into the ring making this match finally official. AA follows and makes the arrogant cover on Spin. Spin rolls his shoulder at two sending AA into fits of rage. AA hammers away at Spin again, but Spin hulks up (Spin’s up? Sulks up? Spulk’s up?) and shakes off AA’s shot to the head until we get the YOU!!!! Finger point of doom. AA looks around in terror and falls to his knees and begs off. Hansen grabs him by the head and looks around to the crowd, he takes too long and AA lands a low blow doubling Spin over in pain. AA gets to his feet and hits the ropes for a spinning neck breaker, but Spin stands up and catches AA with a thunderous spine buster! AA gets to his feet and gets leveled with a clothesline, then a second, then a third. Finally Spin pulls AA to his feet and sends him to the ropes and catches him with a snap powerslam. AA rolls under the bottom rope and falls to the floor. Spin leaves the ring and pulls AA to his feet and bounces his noggin off the apron, the steep ring post, and finally a little old lady folds up her chair and holds it so Spin bounces AA’s head off of that too. AA falls to the floor, Spin grabs his legs and catapults him into the steel ring post, opening a gash on his head. Both men are bloody messes now. Spin throws AA back into the ring and stalks his prey backing AA into the corner. Spin pulls AA to his feet and hammers away and whips AA to the opposite corner. Spin charges and AA catches him with a boot to the face. AA climbs to the second rope and leaps, but Spin catches him in a bear hug! AA screams in pain as Spin tightens his grip. AA fades and the referee checks his arm, it drops once, twice, but on the third time AA pokes Spin in the eyes breaking the hold. As Spin staggers trying to regain his sight, AA chopblocks him to the mat and locks on the figure four. Now it is Spin’s turn to fight the submission. Spin fights to the ropes and forces the break. As Spin is pulling himself to his feet using the ropes, and behind the referee’s back, we see AA pull something out of his tights and slip it into the mysterious black glove. When Spin turns around AA pops him right in the temple! Spin drops like a ton of bricks, AA pounces and locks on the IRON CLAW!! Spin tights a little bit, but then blacks out. The referee counts his shoulders down.
WINNER in 16:21 – Attitude Adjuster


Pun- Alright Adjuster, wait right there. You impressed me just now. For all the griping you do, you can actually win when you need to. Let's see if that trend continues at the next show...when you face the winner of Williams/Alt for the PHWF Championship.

AA- You serious?

Pun- I'm damn serious. You think you deserve so much, then make the most of it. Headline a show. Let's see what the buyrates are.

AA- Alright, I WILL! And it'll be the best damn show you ever put on!

Pun- We'll see.

JF- Oh my God! You're putting Attitude Adjuster in the main event at PHWF 6?

Pun- Yup. Just to see if he'll prove me wrong.

JF- What if it tanks?

Pun- I'm willing to let it, just to see the look on AA's face. But let's see what he can do. Attitude Adjuster: headliner! Imagine!

JF- Incredible. Well, good luck to him.

Pun- Or whatever.

Kenji and the midget are watching the Punatron and see Jack assault FFC/

Kenji: <Why is this man so violent? This is not the first time I’ve seen him assault someone with a piece of wood.>

Midget: <You do not want to wrestle this man. He has a fetish for wood. Notice the way he strokes it? According to rumor he takes it home, places it in bed and sings “I want to make love to you Woody, I want to lay you down by the fire….”>

Kenji: [goes stone faced]<Why does this league have an excess of degenerates?>

Midget: <Such is America. Are you ready for your match tomorrow?>

Kenji: <Yes. I believe I understand the rules somewhat better now. And I have fought these people before, so now I know their strengths and weaknesses. I believe I shall prevail.>

Suddenly, a “Yoo-hoo! Boys!” echoes down the hallway. Kenji gets a hunted look in his eyes and starts looking around. <Which way did that come from?>

The Midget points down the hallway, where a shadow has appeared on the wall. “Kenji, my sweets! I’m a comin’ for the lovin’!”

Kenji grabs the midget by the shoulders <Don’t let her know where I’ve gone! Last time she grabbed my rear end! It was disgusting! And it took days to get the tobacco stains off my pants!> He runs at full speed down the hallway in the opposite direction.

1. PHWF Champion- Chris Alt (5-0)
2. N-Sanity Champion- Concrete TG (4-1)
2. Chris Cole (4-1)
4. LD Williams
4. Moosehead Jack
4. MGB
7. PHWF Tag Team Champion- Courtney Shaw (2-3)
7. PHWF Tag Team Champion- Master Gator (2-3)
7. Attitude Adjuster (2-3)
7. Johnny Adrenaline (2-3)
7. Spin Hansen (2-3)
12. Kenji (1-3)
12. Tex (1-3)
12. S-Y-B (1-3)
15. Viet Cong Viper (1-4)
15. FF Capslock (1-4)
15. Ryan Insert (1-4)
15. Ecosystem (1-4)
15. The Knife (1-4)
20. Ryan Tab (0-4)

PHWF Championship
3-5-07: Chris Alt defeats Chris Cole in the final round of the PHWF Championship Tournament

N-Sanity Championship
2-25-07: Concrete TG wins 6-man Ultimate N match

PHWF Tag Team Championships
10-29-06: The Chickenshit Heels declare themselves PHWF Tag Team Champions*
2-25-07: Courtney Shaw & Master Gator win four team match

*The Chickenshit Heels lost and regained the PHWF Tag Team Championships several times between 10-29-06 and 2-25-07 in matches unsanctioned by the PHWF. According to PHWF history, The Chickenshit Heels are the only recognized champions during this period of time.

PHWF 4: Alt vs Cole

JF- Hello and welcome to PHWF 4: Alt vs. Cole! Who will become our first ever PHWF Champion, "Altrageous" Chris Alt or "The Main Event" Chris Cole? Find out, LIVE here tonight! I am Joey Fashions and Don East could not make it tonight. Sitting in for him is formor WWF Heavyweight Champion of the World, The Iron Shiek!

IS- Hello Joey, Pleasure for me to be in Pun's House Wrestling Fedooration. I am Word Wrestling Fedooration Champwin Iron Shiek. I wrestled Madison Square Garden New York City, most famous city in the word! Most famous arena in the word. Pleasure for me!

JF- Can someone find Don?

IS- PHWF #1! OOWF Hack-ptooie!

JF- While I agree with you there, we probably should say that. Tonight we have the culmanation of our four week long tournament to crown our first PHWF Champion. We have our N-Sanity Champion defending his title against Viet Cong Viper and The Knife. Our NEW PHWF Tag Team Champions Courtney Shaw and Mator Gator defend their titles for the first time against The GOP. Also we have the Five-man N-Sanity #1 Contender's battle royal. This is sure to be intense. Also FF Capslock faces his arch-rival Moosehead Jack, Our #1 PHWF Championship Contender LD Williams will face Attitude Adjuster and the man who made it to the final four of the PHWF Title Tournament MGB taking on the powerhouse Spin "Freaking" Hansen. Let's go down to the ring!


MGB vs. Spin Hansen

MGB comes out first and waits for Spin to join him in the ring, when Spin finally shows up MGB puts the boots to him as he tries to crawl into the ring. Spin powers up and knocks MGB down. Spin pulls MGB up and hits a big clothesline. He plays to the crowd and in punished for it by an uppercut to the groin. He does the international sign to the referee for, "hey I just got punched in the nuts, you gonna do anything about that?" MGB does a side russian legsweep and attempts a pin which gets two. He kicks Spin in the head as he tries to get up, then hits the ropes and drives a knee into the side of Spin's head. He grabs Spin and Spin throws him off and punches his way to his feet then hits a belly-to-belly suplex. He runs to the ropes and comes back dropping a big elbow. He tries a pin of his own which also gets two. He hypes the crowd again and picks MGB up and delivers a big powerbomb. He picks MGB up again, throws him to the corner and signals for Todesfall! He pulls MGB up to the toprope and MGB slips away and climps down to the floor. He grabs a chair and blatently creams Spin in front of the ref.

Winner in 5:44 by DQ- Spin Hansen


JF- Oh my God! He got DQ'ed on purpose rather than get pinned! That bastard! What do you think of that Shiek? Shiek? Where is Iron Shiek? Okay, I'm told that Iron Shiek has wondered off muttering about Madison Square Garden. Do we have anyone besides Don around?

Joey is joined at the desk by former WCW and WWE Champion Chris Benoit

JF- Oh my God! Its the Crippler! How are you!?

CB- Fine...

JF- So what do you think about what we just saw?

CB- That was something...

JF- ...yeah. It certainly was. So next we have our number one contender to the PHWF Championship facing the former Tag Team Champion Attitude Adjuster. Can Double-A fend off the man who is on a role in this league? What do you think, Chris!?

CB- I don't know. Maybe?

JF- LET'S FIND OUT!


LD Williams vs Attitude Adjuster

AA is out first and taunts the crowd while LD Williams, all business as usual, comes to the ring. Williams comes in and is immediately ready to fight, but AA buys some time and bails out of the ring. Williams does not give chase, instead he backs into the corner and waits for AA to climb back into the ring. AA takes a nine count before rolling into the ring, once again Williams comes out of the corner, but AA demands that the referee check him for foreign objects. Williams smirks at AA and backs back into the corner while the referee checks him, meanwhile AA turns to the crowd and shows them a chain he has tucked into his tights. AA slips the chain around his fist and hides his hand behind his back and marches to the center of the ring and demands a hand shake from Williams. Williams marches to the center of the ring, and without a second of hesitation, he cold cocks AA in the mouth. AA falls to one knee, and Williams grabs him by the head and throws him between the ropes to the floor, then follows him out of the ring. On the outside Williams grabs AA’s arm (the one with the chain on his fist) and slams it into the ring post, then pulls the chain off and wraps it around his fist. Hidden from the referee, Williams hammers at AA’s forehead, leaving him a bloody mess. Williams rolls AA back into the ring and tosses the chain aside. Williams follows AA into the ring and covers, but only gets a two count. LDW tries to pull AA to his feet, but AA hits a low blow that doubles LDW over in pain. AA gets to his feet and hits the ropes and drives a knee into the side of Williams head, sending him between the ropes to the floor. Waits on the inside and regains his composure. After a few seconds Williams is back on the apron, and AA suplexes him back into the ring, floats over and gets a two count. AA pulls Williams to his feet and locks on an abdominal stretch, making sure he is close enough to the ropes to use them for leverage. After several times of nearly getting caught, the referee sees AA using the top rope and kicks his foot off the ropes, which allows Williams to flip AA over with a hip toss. Williams falls to his knees and grabs his side, AA quickly gets to his feet and waits for Williams to stand up, then drops him with a belly to back suplex. AA climbs to the second rope and measures Williams then drops a fist right between his eyes. AA covers, but Williams kicks out at two. AA now stomps around the ring and calls for the claw! As LD Williams staggers to his feet, AA slaps the claw on! But LD Williams won’t go down, he fights trying to get to the ropes to force the break, but AA increases the pressure and takes Williams to the mat! LDW is in a world of trouble as blood begins to flow between AA’s fingers. His shoulders are down and AA gets several two counts, but finally Williams manages to wiggle to the ropes and get the break. AA pulls Williams to his feet and backs him into the corner, AA climbs to the second rope and tries a tornado DDT but in mid move, Williams reverses it into a sit out spinebuster! Williams hooks the legs and gets a two count. Both men stagger to their feet, AA kicks Williams low and sets Williams up for a piledriver, but Williams reverses it into an Alabama Slam! Williams rolls AA up, but AA kicks out at two, Williams keeps hold of AA’s leg and flips him over into the STF! AA is trapped in the middle of the ring! He tries to make it to the ropes, but he cannot after several minutes of struggle AA is forced to tap out.
WINNER in 22:47 – LD Williams


JF- Oh my God! LD Williams, proving why he is facing the winner of Alt vs. Cole on the next edition of PHWF. He is an animal!

CB- Yeah...he sure is...

JF- Can we get someone with some flair out here?

RF- WOOOOOOOOOO!

JF- NO! NOT HIM!

RF- I HEARD YOU WANTED SOME, WOOOOOOO! FLAIR OUT HERE! WELL NOBODY HAS MORE FLAIR THAN THE NAY-CHA BOY! WOOOOOOOOO!

JF- Chris, can you get rid of him?

CB- Sure...hey Ric...uh...get out of here, you...

JF- Just leave and take him with you.

RF- LIMO RIDIN'! JET FLYIN' WHEELIN' DEALIN'! KISS STEALIN'! SON OF A GUN!

JF- There's a sandwich promo somewhere that sorely needs you, Ric. Capslock/Moose! Right now!


F.F. Capslock vs. Moosehead Jack

F.F. Capslock’s music hits first, but no one comes through the curtain. The music stops and, after a pause, starts again – still nothing. Suddenly, the entire entranceway topples and FFC and Moosehead Jack tumble down the aisle. Jack gets to his feet and eats a clothesline from a stampeding FFC. Capslock hits a snap suplex on the floor, picks Jack up and slams him face-first into the ringsteps. They brawl at ringside, and Capslock grabs a chair. Jack blocks a swing and grabs the chair, kicks Capslock in the stomach, and slams the chair across his head. The referee is looking right at them but since they haven’t gotten into the ring to start the match yet, there’s nothing he can do.
When Capslock gets up, blood is trickling from a cut on his forehead, which is practically an engraved invitation for Jack. He slams FFC on the floor and grabs him in a choke, grinding his elbow into the cut, and causing blood to flow freely. Capslock struggles, and just manages to grab the discarded chair, which he slams into Jack’s head. Jack releases the hold as blood begins to pour from his ear.
FFC gets slowly to his feet and prepares to paste Jack with the chair, but the referee grabs it from behind. After a brief tug-of-war, FFC lets go and the referee takes himself out of the match. FFC drives Jack’s face into the ringpost and tosses him into the ring.
Capslock props Jack up in the corner and drives a shoulder into his midsection. An irish whip is followed by an avalanche. Jack stumbles out of the corner and FFC lifts him for a DVD, but Jack slides out, lands behind him, and nails FFC with a low blow. FFC doubles over, and Jack hits a DDT.
Jack stomps away, then takes a break to remove a turnbuckle cover. He picks FFC up and tries to ram his head into the corner but FFC blocks and reverses. Jack’s head is driven into the steel and his forehead begins to pour blood as well. FFC manages a second shot to the buckle before Jack again goes low and stops him short with a mule kick. As FFC tries to drop his voice to it’s normal octave (and to convince other things to drop as well), Jack hits the opposite ropes and takes both of them over the ropes with a clothesline.
Jack gets to his feet first and moves in, but FFC comes out from under the ring with a rifle. Jack backs off, and FFC’s face twists in what might be a smile under all the blood. Jack backs up against the ringpost as the barrel is pressed under his nose. Suddenly, FFC drops the gun, kicks Jack low, and plants him with a DDT. He stuffs Jack into the ring and grabs a chair. Laying the chair across Jack’s prone form, FFC scales the ropes and hits The Spirit of Fresno. Jack is out! Capslock slides out of the ring, drops the chair, and shoves the groggy referee back in. FFC covers and the ref counts three.
Winner, in 17:47, F.F. Capslock.


JF- Oh my God! Nothing can contain these two! Not even a steal cage...or could it?

Pun- It could! I'm booking it! Stop bringing guns to my ring please.

JF- I don't.

Pun- You sure?

JF- Yeah, pretty sure.

Pun- Okay...but I've got my eye on you.

JF- Can I call this match now?

Pun- Sure. Its a five man battle royale to be the number one contender to the N-Sanity Title, one of my most brilliant and original innovations.

JF- Isn't it just a blatent ripoff of the TNA X Division?

Pun- What? Never heard of it.

JF- Really?

Pun- Is it good?

JF- A lot of people like it, yeah.

Pun- Well then, I'm glad that we have something similar.

JF- Not similar, its the EXACT same thing.

Pun- Let's go to the ring!

PHWF N-Sanity Title #1 Contender's Battle Royal
Ryan Insert vs. Ryan Tab vs. Kenji vs. S-Y-B vs. Johnny Adrenaline

All the men enter and the bell rings. Immediately, S-Y-B trips on his untied bootlaces and falls over the ropes thus eliminating himself. After the other men take it in for a minute, Insert and Tab lock up and Insert throws Tab into the ropes and armdrags him across the ring. Kenji starts peppering Johnny with kicks and then takes him down with a spinning elbow. Insert goes after Tab with a vengeance then does a running lionsault onto Tab. He picks him up and tosses him over the toprope, but Tab catches himself on the ropes and slides back in. Just then Kenji kicks Johnny over the toprope, but he falls only to the apron and rolls back in. Kenji hits the ropes and comes back with a flying kick at Johnny which he ducks, smashing into Ryan Tab sending him over the ropes and to the floor. Ryan looks at Tab outside the ring and makes a quick decision. He hits the ropes, runs forwards, leaps onto the ropes, does a full frontflip, catches Tab's head with his lags and frankensteiner's him into the steps. RYANCANRANA! Ryan Insert just eliminated himself to injure Ryan Tab more! And Tab can't move. The medics come out and put back on Tab's neck brace he's worn every week since he showed up and stretcher him out...again. His neck can't be doing well at this point. Meanwhile Johnny and Kenji are continuing to battle, but Insert isn't done! He beats the medics away and drags the stretcher back near the ring, climb to the toprope and signals for the flippitiest flippity move of all time. And he nails it! FINAL COUNTDOWN THROUGH A STRETCHER! The crowd is chanting Insert's name. In the ring, Kenji sets up for and hits his patented crescent kick into butterfly kick into spin kick. Johnny stumbles back into the ropes. Kenji comes running at him for another flying kick, but Johnny Adrenaline catches him! He adjusts him and hits the Adrenaline Rush over the ropes! Kenji bounches off the apron and teeters on the verge of falling. A baseball slide from Johnny takes care of that and wouldn't you know it, Johnny Adrenaline is the last man in the ring!

WINNER in 6:21- Johnny Adrenaline

JF- Oh my God! Johnny Adrenaline will face the winner of the N-Sanity Title match at PHWF 5! Are you just gonna hang out here with me Pun?

Pun- Might as well.

JF- Where's Don?

Pun- I think the writer just needed a break from that one dementional character. How many QVC jokes are there anyways?

JF- Two?

Pun- Exactly. And they've been exhausted 20 times over already.

JF- Will he come back.

Pun- I'm sure they'll demand him. Our new tag team champions Courtney and Gator have to face The GOP. These guys mean business.

JF- No they don't. I don't even think they care if they win or lose.

Pun- And interestling enough, neither do I.

JF- That explains so much.



PHWF Tag Team Title Match
Courtney Shaw and Mastor Gator vs. The GOP

The GOP make their grand entrence upon real live elephants. They dismount and someone in the crowd blows an airhorn. The elephants, apparently thinking they heard a mating call, storm into the crowd killing 34. Eco looks slightly concerned, but Tex figures that most of them were Kerry voters and isn't too worried about it. Only a Kerry voter would dare blow an airhorn in public. Goddamned liberal assholes. You see what happens? You give people the right to choose and they choose to fire off airhorns all willy-nilly. Mastor Gator makes his entrence and waits by the ring without getting in. Courtney makes her entrence, scoffs at her partner and gets in. Gator stares at her climbing through the ropes. He exhales slowly then gets onto the apron. Courtney and Tex elect to go first and they lock up, Courtney puts on a side headlock then Tex reverses into a Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell Fireman's carry, but Court slides off and german suplexes him back. She pulls him up and tries to punch him, but he ducks under behind her, putting on his patented Taxation-Without-Representation Facelock. He throws her into the ropes, and he leaps up and hits the 1000 Points Of Light Dropkick. He climps to the toprope and comes off with a Flying Stay The Course Legdrop. He leaps up in celebration and he and Eco go over to the time keeper and grab the titles. A giant Mission Accomplished banner unrolls from the cieling with streamers and balloons. The ref tries to tell them that they need to actually pin their opponants to win, but they're having none of it. The ref starts his ten count. The ref reaches eight before Donald Rumsfeld comes out of the audience and forces Tex back into the ring. He looks confused, but he turns to see Gator who has tagged himself into the match with the legal-yet-rarely-used 30 second blind tag to the breast of your unconcious partner. He hits a big boot knocking Tex back into his corner and he tags Eco. Ecosystem is non-too-happy to be facing Master Gator again, but he is ready and prepared. He comes in to lock up and he hits his...CRUNCH!!! Ecosystem is dead. Nevermind. Gator tries to pin Eco, but its broken up by Tex. He sets Gator up for The Fili-Buster, but there's Courtney! She spins him around and hits The End! Gator and Courtney go to opposite corners. Gator hits the Leaping Lizard on Tex and Courtney hits the Denial Twist on Eco at the same time! Duel pins and the champs retain!

Winners in 6:21 and still PHWF Tag Team Champions- Courtney Shaw and Master Gator

Gator goes in for a hug, but she opts to shake his hand instead. He pats her on the ass and she punches him in the face. She takes her belt and heads off to get boned by one of her manwhores and Gator looks around for some tissue for his nose. And possibly for other purposes as well.


JF- Oh my God! This team continues to impress me. I can't believe they are so solid in the ring while being so socially awkward out of it.

Pun- Yeah. They're pretty good. I hope they continue to do well, or maybe I hate them. Are they heels or faces or what?

JF- I don't know.

Pun- And for that matter, what am I supposed to be?

JF- Devilishly handsome?

Pun- Well, obviously.

JF- So next we have another match to show off your spectacular N-Sanity Division.

Pun- Goddamn, I'm awesome.

JF- Couldn't agree more. N-Sanity Champion Concrete TG defends against the awesome Viet Cong Viper and the diranged yet focused Knife. Let's go down to the ring!


PHWF N-Sanity Division Championship Match
Concrete TG vs. Viet Cong Viper vs. The Knife

match to be added in later


JF- Oh my God! What an amazing performance by our N-Sanity Champion Concrete TG, can he keep the intensity up against Johnny Adrenaline next week?

Pun- They'd better tune in to find out.

JF- Or what?

Pun- Or I won't be able to pay the talet.

JF- GODDAMMIT EVERYONE! TUNE IN!

Pun- Now we have the culmination of the greatest tournament in the history or wrestling: the PHWF Championship Tournament Of Champions!

JF- Aren't you laying it on a little thick?

Pun- What was that? You want me to cut your paycheck?

JF- There has never in the history of ANYTHING been a match as important as this one!

Pun- That's a good boy.

JF- Altrageous Chris Alt vs. The Main Event Chris Cole! These men know each other so well. This match should be amazing.


PHWF Championship Tournament Final Match
Chris Alt vs Chris Cole

Alt comes to the ring first and climbs the turnbuckle and waves to the crowd, before he is even announced, Cole sprints to the ring and pulls Alt off the turnbuckle and lays into him with chops and punches. Cole tries to whip Alt to the opposite corner, but Alt reverses it. Cole hits the corner hard and staggers out of it and gets a back drop for his trouble. Cole lurches to his feet and gets met with a drop kick to the face for his troubles. Cole gets to his feet one more time and gets clotheslined over the top rope to the floor. Alt waits for Cole to get up, gets a running start and leaps between the ropes to the floor connecting with Cole and sending him sprawling across the cement floor. Alt is up first, he pulls Cole up and rolls him under the bottom rope and slides in and covers, but can only get a one count. Alt pulls Cole to his feet and sets him up for a vertical suplex, and leaves him up there to think about it for a few minutes before crashing to the mat. Alt floats over and covers again, but once again he can only get a two count. Alt pulls Cole to his feet and sends him to the corner and charges in, but Cole gets a boot up. Alt staggers and Cole climbs to the second rope and takes Alt to the mat with a clothesline. Cole covers, but Alt kicks out at one. Cole takes over now, stomping away on Alt. Hard whip into the corner, Alt hits chest first and Cole follows him with a clothesline to the back of the head that sends Alt face first into the second turnbuckle. Cole scoops Alt up and ties him in the tree of woe, gets a running start and buries a knee into Alt’s midsection, then slides out of the ring and pulls back on Alt’s head. The referee threatens disqualification and Cole breaks on four. Alt falls from the corner and Cole slides back into the ring and waits for him to get to his feet, as soon as he does, Cole spins him around, kicks him in the gut and plants Alt with a DDT, covers, and gets a two count. Cole shows a little bit of frustration and yells at the referee, then pulls Alt up, sends him to the ropes and hits a nice tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, another cover, another two count. Cole is mad now and threatens the referee. He rolls Alt over on the mat so he is face down, hits the ropes and drops a knee on the back of Alt’s neck. Cole traps Alt in a chinlock pulling back on his head and twisting his neck. Alt slowly fights to his feet and elbows his way out of it, then hits the ropes and tries a clothesline, but Cole ducks, spins and nearly decapitates Alt with a clothesline of his own. Cole pulls a groggy Alt to his feet and hits the HEADLINER! This one is over! Cole covers, one, two, thre…NO! Alt rolls his shoulder! Cole is furious! Cole pulls Alt to his feet and whips him to the ropes, but Alt reverses it and hits the SPINAL CONTUSION! But Alt cannot cover him! Both men are slowly to their feet, Cole swings wildly, Alt ducks and tries to lock on the PRAG! But Cole quickly fights to the corner and forces the break. As the referee is trying to break it up Cole hits a mule kick to the jewels that staggers Alt. Cole grabs him and sets up another HEADLINER! But Alt fights it and REVERSES IT INTO A HEADLINER OF HIS OWN!! Alt covers and hooks the leg, one, two, THREE!
WINNER in 26:59 – Chris Alt

Chris Alt celebrates as Punisher leaves the booth to hand him the newly crafted and GORGEOUS PHWF Championship belt. So that's where our budget went. He celebrates his win and holds the belt high overhead. He goes over to Chris Cole to shake his hand, but Cole just walks away. Alt shrugs it off and climbs the top turnbuckle holding his belt above his head and basks in the glow of sweet, sweet victory.

Kenji: <What happened last week? You told me that the match was a weapons match!>

Midget: <The commissioner must have changed his mind without telling us. What can you expect from such foreign dogs?>

Kenji: <So, what are the stipulations this week?>

Midget: <None. They have decided that you are too extreme for the N-Sanity belt and are instead moving you straight into a championship bout.> [steps quickly aside as lightning strikes the spot where he was just standing.]

Oh yeah. You live in Sacramento. If only you would've had that information written somewhere handy...

PHWF 3: Ultimate N-Sanity

JF- Welcome to PHWF action LIVE via webcast on a lovely Sunday afternoon, I am Joey Fashions and with me as always in Don East

DE- Its not Sunday is it?

JF- Sure it is.

DE- Are you sure, because acording to my watch its Thursday the 1st.

JF- Nope. Sunday the 25th, your watch is wrong.

DE- Wierd. Well I gotta change it then. Who wants to buy my watch!? Operators are standing by!

JF- That's a good boy Don. So today we have only five matches but every single one is VITAL! The PHWF Tag Team Champions The Chickenshit Heels who's championship reign predates the league itself will, for the first time, put these belts on the line in a PHWF ring.

DE- So they haphazardly created these belts in a promo.

JF- Yes.

DE- And based upon that this league was created.

JF- Pretty much.

DE- And they couldn't find anyone who could get the damn things written on time?

JF- No. He was busy.

DE- Couldn't he have...

JF- HE WAS BUSY!

DE- I mean, three days later?

JF- Look Don, its a shiny new knife!

DE- And if you act now, we'll throw in this SHINY NEW KNIFE!

JF- Also, Chris Cole will face Matt "Gimmickman" Brown and Moosehead Jack will face Chris Alt in the semifinals of our PHWF Championship Tournamment to crown our first PHWF Champion. After three weeks the 16 men have been whittled down to 4 and after today we will have only two.

DE- Who could they possible be?!

JF- Probibly Cole or MGB and Jack or Alt?

DE- Good guesses! I'm going with S-Y-B and Courtney!

JF- ...you astound me...also tonight the FIRST EVER Ultimate-N match for the N-Sanity Division Championship. Six men will battle for everything they have to crown the title so insane its named N-Sanity!

DE- Jeez Louise!

JF- But next we have the match to decide who the first man our new PHWF Champion will face will be. Spin Hansen will face LD Williams in what I'm sure will be one hell of a match. These are two of the most intense in-ring competitors we have and this match is sure to be awesome! Let's go down to the ring!


LD Williams vs. Spin Hansen
Winner Becomes the #1 contender for the PHWF Championship

Williams attacks Spin before the bell and the two brawl around the ring. The fight quickly spills out of the ring and they fight around ring side and into the crowd. Both men grab chairs and start swinging. Spin catches Williams on the side of the head with a chair shot, and blood pours from Williams ear. This only seems to infuriate Williams, so he takes his chair and throws it at Spin, bouncing it off of his head. Williams then grabs a beer bottle from a fan and smashes it into Spin’s face. Spin staggers and Williams drops him wit ha chair shot to the face. LDW grabs Spin and drags him back toward the ring, they stop to slam each other’s head into the announce table, Spin tries to whip LD Williams into the ring post, but Williams reverses it and sends Spin careening into the post face first. Williams pulls Spin’s head back and his face is a mess of blood, Williams drops several elbows across Spin’s face and nose, then rolls him under the bottom rope. Williams comes in and drops a knee right across Spin’s face, then covers and gets the two count. Williams pulls Spin to his feet and sends him to the ropes, and lowers his head a moment too soon, Spin puts on the breaks and lifts Williams up and powerbombs him to the mat. Spin covers, but Williams kicks out at two. Both men are slow to get to their feet, both have lost a lot of blood. Spin grabs Williams first and sends him to the ropes and tries a spine buster, but Williams hits him with a high knee to the face. Spin staggers, Williams spins him around, kicks him low and plants him with a DDT! Williams locks on the STF, making sure to grate his forearm against the cut on Spin’s head, Spin holds out as long as he can, but in the end, he is forced to tap.
Winner in 8:49- LD Williams

JF- Oh my God! I don't know if Spin Hansen has EVER tapped out. INCREDIBLE!

DE- We should look that up!

JF- Yeah...coming up NEXT we have a match for the PHWF Tag Team Titles. There's so many stories here! Capslock hates the Chickenshit Heels who hate him right back, Courtney hates Ecosystem, The GOP are Republicans, Gator is kind of a misogynist dickhead and Ryan is a pervert AND a mexican. GODDAMN this match is gonna be great!

DE- I FORGOT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!

JF- Wrestling.

DE- ...oh, I see.


PHWF Tag Team Championship Match
The Chickenshit Heels vs. FF Capslock and Ryan Insert vs. Courtney Shaw and Master Gator vs. The GOP

The entrances of this match take approximately 5000000 hours. Summary: TCH was cheered, FF shot a popcorn vendor whose goods were immediately raided, Anna Nicole Smith’s Boobs bounced out of their tank but were quickly caught by Tex, and Courtney jumped Ecosystem and started beating him up. The latter probably meant our match has begun!

Courtney whips Eco into the corner, where Ryan Insert tags in. Courtney tags in FF Capslock and chases Eco to the outside. FF immediately lies down and Insert jumps on top of him, but Johnny and AA run in and break up the pin. Johnny and AA throw the Date Raping Spic and Span into each other, and as they admire their handiwork, Tex and Gator run in and throw Johnny and AA into each other, and as they admire their handiwork, FF and Ryan have had time to get up, and throw Tex and Gator into each other, and as they admire their handiwork, a brick falls from the ceiling onto their heads. That may be Eco’s finisher. Eco runs back in for the cover, but Courtney breaks it up at one. She then tears a tag rope off the turnbuckle and chokes Eco and Ryan Insert with it, making both her and Eco the legal men.

JF – That doesn’t make any sense! The omnipotent narrator is wrong!

DE - JF, if you’re trying to figure out who the legal man is, you’re in the wrong job.

Courtney throws Eco in the corner, and proceeds to kick him in the balls over and over. This would ordinarily cause a disqualification, but the referee is Ecosystem’s ex-girlfriend, Condoleeza Rice. Ryan, moderately annoyed at being choked out, grabs Courtney and throws her over the ropes. He is immediately rolled up by Johnny Adrenaline, whose pin is broken up when he is kicked in the face by FF, who then Is the recipient of a neckbreaker from AA, who then takes a DDT from Gator, who then gets the jumping version of a Filibuster and some punches from Texas, who then takes a clothesline from Bill Clinton, who then attempts to solicit sexual favors from Courtney, who smashes him in the face with a steel chair. 7 MEN ARE DOWN!!

Ryan: I’m not!

Ecosystem spears Ryan.

Ryan: Ow.

Ecosystem goes for the pin, but is thrown off by Courtney. He lands on AA, and Courtney throws him off that pin too, but he lands on Gator, and is finally thrown off onto Bill Clinton. Meanwhile, FF grabs his gun and takes a shot at Johnny as he gets up, but Johnny ducks and manages to seize the gun and hand it off to Anna Nicole Smith’s Boobs. Out of all the floating body parts, she’s the only one for gun control. Johnny and FF roll out of the ring into the barricade, which causes a 700-pound drunken man who was leaning over anyway to fall on top of them. Meanwhile, Texas gives chase to Bill Clinton purely out of personal spite and runs out of the arena. Karl Rove tries to keep up, but is severely out of shape and collapses after 20 feet.

DE – We need EMTs out here!

JF – For a lot of reasons.

AA drop toeholds Ryan headfirst onto Gator’s crotch, who yells in pain. AA laughs at the PG-rated homoerotic picture he has created, when he is dropkicked out of the ring by Ecosystem. Courtney yanks Ecosystem from behind over her back and quickly delivers THE END~! 40 bricks fall from the ceiling upon the knockout of their compatriot, but they all miss Courtney and knock out more popcorn vendors.

Winner in 6:54 and NEW PHWF Tag Team Champions—Courtney Shaw and Master Gator

Courtney and Gator take their titles as Rocky music plays and they jump up and down. Gator spends too much time watching Courtney jump up and down, and gets slapped. Eco gets up and makes the international sign of “This isn’t over”, except he makes said sign from the audience, because he is eating the free popcorn. Meanwhile, Texas runs down the ramp, unaware of anything else that has happened, and pins Gator. MORAL VICTORY~!


JF- Oh my God! We have NEW PHWF Tag Team Champions! Courtney Shaw and Mastor Gator have managed to win the belts in their first match as a team! This is Russo-rific!

DE- I agree with every dicision Russo ever made.

JF- You would, wouldn't you.

DE- What match is coming up after this?

JF- The "Main Event" Chris Cole will face Matt "Gimmickman" Brown. This match will be incredible! These two men are two of the top competitors in the world and either one could easily win the PHWF Championship.

DE- They'll have to win this match first though, Joey!

JF- ...right.


Chris Cole vs. MGB
PHWF Championship Tournament Semi-Final Match

In this match up of two heels the crowd doesn’t know who to cheer so they boo the hell out of both men. Both men sneer at the audience and meet in the center of the ring, they each offer a disingenuous handshake of friendship. As soon as they lock hands both begin trading punches. The larger MGB gets the better of the exchange and sends Cole to the ropes and drops him to the mat with a shoulderblock. MGB grabs Cole and scoops him up and plants him on the mat, then hits the ropes and drops a big elbow across Cole’s chest. MGB covers and gets two before Cole kicks out. MGB pulls Cole to a sitting position and locks on chinlock, putting his weight on Cole to suffocate him. Cole fights out of the hold by going to the eyes. Cole gets to his feet and MGB tries a clothesline from hell, but Cole ducks it and hits a release German suplex on MGB. Cole slips out of the ring and pulls MGB out of the ring by his head and drops an elbow across his throat. Cole slides back into the ring and slingshots MGB’s throat off the bottom rope, then covers him but can only get a two count. Cole climbs the ropes and tries an elbow but MGB gets his boot up in time and catches him right in the jaw. MGB gets to his feet and takes over with a series of haymakers that backs Cole into the corner. He whips him across the ring to the opposite corner and follows him in with a big clothesline. Cole staggers out of the corner and MGB Scoops him up for the Stock Market Crash, but Cole wiggles free, rolls MGB up, grabs a hand full of tights and gets the tainted three count.
Winner in 9:21- Chris Cole


JF- Oh my God! He grabbed the tights! He's a cheater!

DE- Why's that?

JF- Because grabbing the tights is illegal.

DE- Really? That's stupid. You can closed-fisted punch a guy in the face but you can't grab his tights?

JF- Well, you're not supposed to have a closed fist either.

DE- That happens all the time!

JF- Yeah, I know...

DE- I mean, what's the penalty!?

JF- The ref tells you to stop and...uh...you had better, or else.

DE- Handful of tights, eh.

JF- Yup...cheating bastard, that Cole.

DE- You know it.

*Ryan Insert walks up to Ryan Tab*

Insert: Hey motherfucker, I just made a tag team with some guy who uses fucking automatic weapons in matches. Also, we're having an internet poll to name ourselves and everything. Everyone's voting. Bitch.

*He slaps Tab then walks away*

Tab: I'll show you! I'll make my own tag team. Yeah, and it'll be better than yours! How about... Slip 'n' Slide! Yeah, that's badass.

**** OPP ****

EXALT TO ECO!

hahaha holy crap.

You guys are awesome.

Attitude Adjuster is laying down a last-minute interview before PHWF Card #2.

SFJ #40: Attitude Adjuster, you're facing Chris Cole this week in the second round of the PHWF World title tournament. What do you have to say?

AA: Who ever I'm facing this week, I'm gonna kick your ass. I'm sure you've done something to me that pisses me off, and I'm going to take revenge. And so in whatever kind of match we have, I'm going to do that to you and you're going to regret it.

SFJ#40: You have no idea who you're facing, do you?

AA: Nope, just filling time until the next check comes in. But I do want to say that Figuire Foreskin is the GREATEST BESTEST BOOKERMAN OF ALL TIME EVER ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! So remember that when you decides who wins, OK? And that box of chocolates from a "secret admirer"? That was me.

SFJ#40: Well, at least he honest.

Damn you. My plan is thwarted. Either degrade myself by appearing on MTV or give up my daylong dream. Tough choices.

Give Ryan a push at Kenji's expense?