SFJ9: D.H. Magnusson, you and Spin Hansen, are facing 3 other teams at Red, White & Bruised, as the result of losing a coin flip for the world tag team championship match. What's your mindset going into the PPV?

D.H. Magnusson: About what? About getting screwed out of our rematch for our titles? Or about our illustrious GM making the decision by flippin' a coin? Or maybe about the fact that we get knocked down th' card AGAIN, despite us showin' that we're the part a the ELITE in th' world's only real tag team division? Which thoughts ya want Shannon? I got 'bout a dozen of them...Not includin' the Onslaught title.

SFJ9: The Onslaught Title?

DHM: Yeah...Tonight me an' Spin...we're gonna go out there and do what we do best. We're gonna raise a little hell, kick a little ass, an' get back t'where we need t'be. But after that, I got a little unsettled business with Attitude Adjuster. If he thinks he's done with me just 'cause we're the premier team in th' OOWF...Well, that ain't deadly mistake, but it sure as hell could wind up bein' a fatal one.

DHM: But tonight...tonight we the Cannibals, Carl and Bunny, an' Blitz an' Th' Dead. For the Cannibals - wrong place, wrong time, boys. An' I'm almost sorry for what's gonna happen. Same with Carl an' Bunny...except I mean th' part 'bout bein' sorry. But Blitz an' Th' Dead? Well...me an' the walkin' chalk outline, we got some more of that unfinished business. Only he don't know 'bout it. Or at least he didn't. Now he does.

SFJ9: But I don't recall -

DHM: Don't be worryin' non about it.

Random Backstage Production Assistant: Mr. Magnusson? You've got a call in the prodution office, says they're your manager?

SFJ9: Manager? But I just saw Wally B. Kin-

DHM: WALLY AIN'T MY MANAGER! We ain't the Droogs.

SFJ9: Droogs?

DHM: Yeah...somethin' about La Bamba. Y'hafta ask him. You got you soundbyte Shannon, now get out. I got a call t'take.

yup

*Davin Moreland is WALKING!~!!~!!! through the Hall of Randomly Numbered Sexy Female Journalists Waiting to be Plots Devices. *

DM: *points* YOU! HERE! NOW!

RNSFJWTBPD: I'm here with former 2-Time Onslaught and Inaugural Campeonas De Trios Champion, Davin Moreland.

DM: Darling. If you're listening; it's clear that what I said to you earlier you chose to ignore. So let me put this in a way you'll understand.

DM: Tonight? You're on your own, pal. Fight your own battles for a change.

*fade*

I DID GOOD JOB, YES?

***OOC*** Oops, a bit late on the promo there, don't you think? :

LD WILLIAMS vs. CONCRETE TG – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match

Concrete TG comes to the ring first and looks completely focused on the task at hand. He climbs between the ropes and heads to the corner and takes a knee, foregoing his usual display of heroic virtue. The OOWF world heavyweight champion LD Williams is announced next and he comes out….with Moosehead Jack! Crete immediately sees Moose, and Moose just shoots him an evil grin as they come to ringside. Williams climbs into the ring, Moose just waits on the outside, still glaring at Crete. The referee is about to call for the bell when there is a murmur among the crowd, and Alexander Darling comes to ring side and heads to Crete’s corner. Crete looks a little confused by it all, but focuses his attention on LD Williams. Darling shoots a little smirk at Moose, Moose stares daggers back at Darling. The referee takes the world title and holds it up in the center of the ring. Crete looks at the belt that he once wore so proudly, but then immediately focuses his attention back on Williams. The bell rings and the two slowly circle. Collar and elbow lock up, Crete grabs a side head lock, but Williams immediately shoves him to the ropes, LD drops to the mat and Crete steps over him and hits the ropes, LD springs back to his feet and tries to catch a Crete with a hip toss, but Crete blocks the move and spins LD around into a back slide for a one count, both spring to their feet and Crete tries a clothesline, but LD ducks and grabs Crete and tries a release German suplex, but Crete flips through and lands on his feet, then springs off the bottom rope and tries a hurracarana, but LD catches him and drops Crete on the mat with a power bomb, flips him over and tries the cross face, but Crete blocks it and spins out of it and works to a vertical base, then grabs LD and hits a side suplex that folds the champion up like an accordion. Crete covers, but Williams kicks out at one. Crete pulls LD to his feet and sends him into the corner and charges in with a high knee to the side of the head, then grabs LD and tries a bulldog out of the corner, but Williams holds on and throws him across the ring. Crete gets to his feet and turns around just in time to see Williams charging for a forearm to the face, Crete catches Williams and hits another release suplex, this time Williams slides out of the ring to gather himself. Moose comes over and they talk strategy. Crete appears to consider a leap to the outside, but then thinks better of it. LD climbs back on the apron and slowly steps between the ropes and circles Crete. Crete moves to lock up and LD catches him with a knee to the midsection, then catches him with a knee lift that sends Crete to the mat. LD drops an elbow across Crete’s chest and covers, but only gets a one count. LD pulls Crete to his feet and hauls him up for a vertical suplex, then drops him across the top rope stomach first. LD tries a running knee lift to send Crete off the ropes, but Crete escapes standing on the ropes. Moose grabs Crete’s leg, which allows Williams to turn around and catch him with a forearm to the face that sends Crete to the apron. This brings Darling around the ring and he and Moose tear into one another. LD gets a running start and drop kicks Crete off the apron to the floor, then pulls Crete up and sets him up for a DDT on the floor. Darling sees this and rakes Moose’s eyes and catches Williams with a super kick to the face that sends Williams to the mat. Moose grabs a chair and SLAMS it across the back of Darling’s skull sending him into the steel barricade then grabs Crete and runs him face first into the ring post, then rolls him into the ring. Moose rouses LD and he slides into the ring and makes the cover, but he can only get a two count. Moose turns around just in time for a recovered Darling to spear him into the ring post. They fall to the floor trying to kill one another. Inside the ring Crete and LD are on their feet and LD scoops Crete up but Crete holds on and rolls him into a small package for a two count. The brawl on the outside brings Davin Moreland, Stank, and Outback Jack to ringside, they are quickly followed by Revolution XXX, and soon both sides swarm the ring and the match is completely out of control and the brawl rages. The referee knows he has no chance of sorting this out, and calls for the bell.
WINNER – No Contest

As Moose and Darling tear into each other, Davin, Stank and Jack try to separate them, but that just brings more out. Eric O’Mac nails Stank from behind with a kendo stick, as Stank turns around he gets a chair to the face from Chris Cole. Davin Moreland pulls Darling off of Moose for a moment, then gets a chain wrapped around his neck, and gets pulled to the floor by Poe. IHOP runs to the ring, being chased by Phantos & Lucios, SYB runs for his life, Skurge tries to stop and fight, but he is quickly overwhelmed. Outback Jack is wandering around the fray looking for a fight, he and Tytan spot each other at the same time, and they tear into one another. Inside the ring Concrete TG just gets to his feet and turns around to see the brawl when The Amnesiac pops him in the face with a super kick! Attitude Adjuster and The Worlds Greatest Fag Team rush to ring side, WGFT grab The Midnight Sons and they flip over the guard rail and brawl through the crowd. Seamus McNasty catches AA with a shot to the back of the head with his trusty Shillelagh sending him to the floor. Carl From Fresno and Bunny storm the ring, but Bunny is cut off by Dead and Blitz and beaten mercilessly, when Carl tries to help he is attacked by Tyson Kincaid. LD Williams leaves the ring and he grabs Darling, who has Moose on the floor choking him with a chair, and catches him with a head but to the face. Moose is quickly back to his feet and he attacks a stunned Darling once again. Justin Sane slides into the ring during this whole fray, gets a running start and leaps over the top rope onto the pile of humanity, but Eric O’Mac catches him and drives him onto the floor with a power bomb! Justin Sane could be dead. There are bodies fighting inside and outside the ring. Davin and Poe are among those fighting in the ring, Poe catches Davin with a stiff clothesline that staggers him against the ropes, then charges, but Davin side steps and sends him over the ropes to the floor. Davin is still trying to shake off the cobwebs when someone bumps him from behind, without even looking, Davin grabs the person and hits a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER! Davin gets to his feet and sees that it was LD WILLIAMS!! Davin is grabbed from the outside by Poe and dragged out of the ring. The fight rages as security tries to break it up. The crowd is throwing debris and chanting LET THEM FIGHT!! This one is a border line riot folks!

Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF As Yet Unnamed July PPV, Live July 27th from Camp Anaconda. Iraq! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem Live! July 23rd, from Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan!

For all your OOWF shopping needs, check out www.cafepress.com/oowfshirts

Join us for OOWF Chat on Wednesday nights!

I told him that Moose. He got all bitchy on me.

<Stank is sitting at the bar with DH Magnusson when his smartphone vibrates indicating a call. Stank looks down at his phone, sees the name displayed there, and excuses himself to a small, private table outside the Destroyitarium, before answering.>

Stank - Hello?

"Don't act like you don't know who this is, jackass."

Stank - Simone. How are you?

Sim - I'm fine big bro. What's up?

Stank - Jared there?

Sim - Jared moved out three years ago. You would know that if you called more often.

Stank - How did mom take it?

Sim - How do you think?

Stank - Where did he go?

Sim - I don't know. Arizona I suppose given the area code he called from last.

Stank - When's the last time you spoke with him?

Sim - Why don't you ask mom?

Stank - NO! I mean... th... there's no need to...

Sim - I'm getting mom...

MOM! MOMMA! LUCAS IS ON THE PHONE! MOM!?

Stank - Fuck! Simone! Simone WHY YOU-

Hello?

Stank - Hey Momma.

Mom - Lucas? Boy why haven't you called? Why haven't you come by to visit?

Stank - I'm out of the country Momma.

Mom - Where you at?

Stank - Burma.

Mom - You still wrestlin?

Stank - Yes momma. Where do you think the checks I keep sending you come from?

Mom - Boy don't you sass me.

Stank - Sorry momma.

Mom - I don't know why you and Jared keep killing yourselves with that business. Hadn't y'all made enough money? I don't know how much more your bodies can take?

Stank - Momma... I need to get in contact with Jared. You know where he is?

Mom - He called me from Phoenix Arizona about a month ago? Gave me his number case I needed somethin... let me see if I can find it.

<Stank waits patiently while he listens to his mother flip through her address book.>

Mom - Here it is son. You ready?

Stank - Yeah give me the number.

Mom - 520... 626... 42... 3-

<Stank's cellphone is snatched out of his hand by CHRIS COLE!?!>

CC - He'll call you back.

Mom - Who is thi...?

<Cole ends the call.>

Stank - YOU GOT A DEATH WISH?!?

CC - Are you going to accept my challenge?

Stank - MOTHAFUCKA I'M GONNA WHOOP YOUR ASS!

CC - Then you accept.

<Stank SNATCHES his phone back out of Cole's hand!>

Stank - You are LUCKY I've got more important things to do than beating your ass right now.

<Cole laughs then starts to leave. Stank grabs him by the shoulder as he presses a button on his phone.>

Stank - Hold up there asshole. You gonna apologize to my mom.

CC - I will do no such thing.

Stank - Then I don't accept your chal-

CC - ALRIGHT alright... let go of me.

Hello?

Stank -Mom! You're on speaker phone.

Mom - Lucas? What happened? Who was that rude man?

Stank - Hang on momma he's standing right here.

<Stank glares at Cole.>

Stank - SAY IT!

CC- I... I apologize Miss... I'm sorry for interrupting your phone call with your son here. I'm also sorry I'm going to kick his ass in a match very soon.

Mom - You're gonna WHAT now?

<Stank takes the phone off speaker and puts it up to his ear.>

Stank - Forget it mom. He's delusional.

CC - Satisfied?

<Stank flips Cole the bird, turns and walks back into the Destroyitarium.>

Here's one

Not yet.

<sorry for Mayhem being so late, we had some bad storms last night, lightning struck one of the transformers and we didn’t have power from about 8:30 last night until sometime early this morning>

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live From Hat Dokeo, Laos

CHRIS COLE vs. OUBONLAMPHAHN SOUPHANOUSINPHONE

Oubonlamphanah Souphanousinphone is the Laotian Cruiserweight champion, and for our purposes tonight, he will be referred to as OS. He waits in the middle of the ring after getting a nice ovation from the crowd. The Main Event Chris Cole comes out to a chorus of boos. He snarls at the crowd and steps between the ropes and immediately charges across the ring and catches OS with a forearm to the side of the head that sends him back to the corner. Cole traps OS in the corner and blisters him with knife edge chops and straight punches to the jaw. Cole whips OS to the opposite corner, OS climbs the ropes and springs backward and catches Cole with a cross body block for a one count. Cole gets to his feet and OS catches him with a drop kick that sends him staggering back into the corner. OS charges and springs into the corner and tries to monkey flip Cole out, but Cole holds on to the ropes and OS falls backward and slams the back of his head on the canvas. Cole waits for him to get to his feet, then charges out of the corner and nearly decapitates him with a clothesline. The Main Event drags OS to the ropes and chokes him on the middle rope, while arguing with the referee. The crowd boos loudly as their native son is being manhandled by the former OOWF world champion. Cole releases the choke and bounds off the ropes and charges back and lands on OS’s back, choking him on the ropes and nearly breaking his back at the same time. With OS still hung on the ropes, Cole slips to the outside and drills him with an uppercut that knocks OS off the ropes into the ring. Cole slips back into the ring and knows he is in control. He picks OS up and drops him ribs first across his knee, then pulls him up and locks him into an abdominal stretch, digging his elbow into OS’s side, and using the ropes for additional leverage, nearly causing the crowd to riot. Finally the referee catches Cole using the ropes and forces the break, Cole refuses to break and OS frees himself with a hip toss. Cole immediately springs to his feet, and OS catches him with an enzugiru that staggers Cole. OS grabs him and plants him on the mat with a belly to belly suplex, then points to the corner. The crowd goes nuts as OS climbs to the top ropes and pauses there for a moment, before leaping with a superfly splash! OS soars through the air, but Cole was playing possum, and he gets his knees up at the last minute, catching OS in the ribs and face. OS is stunned on the mat gasping for breath. Cole gets to his feet, grabs OS and jerks him to his feet and DESTROYS him with THE HEADLINER! OS is out. Cole makes the arrogant cover and gets the one, two, three.
WINNER in 3:51 – “The Main Event” Chris Cole

GAELIC STORM vs. CARL FROM FRESNO & BUNNY

Gaelic Storm hits the ring first. Seamus walks out from the back and motions to his partner to make his way out. Instead of Damon Wrath, it's Conner McNasty representing Gaelic Storm this week. The two make their way down the ramp and into the ring. They seem to be psyching each other up as they await their opponents.

Carl From Fresno is next up and he waits on the ramp for his partner. Bunny's music hits and the two immediately rush down the ramp and charge into the ring. This fight is on!

Seamus starts of against Bunny, who seems to be using his quickness very well here at the beginning of the match. An agile Bunny deftly avoids what would have been a monster clothesline and catches Seamus with a neck breaker. Seamus quickly gets back to his feet, but it's not quick enough as Bunny connects with another neck breaker. Seamus slaps the mat in frustration and gets to his feet one more time. Again Bunny charges at him, but this time Seamus is ready and destroys him with a clothesline. Bunny hits the mat hard and Seamus makes the tag to Conner. Conner picks up Bunny and immediately dumps him with a scoop slam. Bunny gets back to his feet and is able to narrowly dodge a running elbow from Conner. Bunny uses this opportunity to tag in Carl and get a breather on the apron. Carl and Conner lock up and Carl sends Conner into the corner. Conner bounces out and Carl hits a nice capture suplex. He goes for the cover. One...Two...Conner kicks out. Both men get to their feet and begin trading blows in the middle of the ring. Carl gets the upper hand for a moment but a well-timed duck by Conner allows him to regain control. Conner forces Carl into his corner and tags Seamus back in. Seamus puts the boots to Carl in the corner, causing him to slump into a seated position. Seamus backs into the opposite corner and charges in, connecting with a vicious knee strike to the face. Carl's head snaps back violently. Seamus picks him up and just tosses him across the ring. Carl doesn't look to be in good shape at the moment, and sensing this, Seamus goes for the cover. One...Two...Th..Carl kicks out! Seamus drags him back up by his head and attempts to power bomb him. Carl somehow gets himself free and tries to make it back to his corner, but Seamus catches him at the last second and drops him with a modified Burning Hammer. I think Carl may have just broken his freakin' neck. Cover. One...Two...Three.
WINNERS in 6:02 - Gaelic Storm

BLITZ vs. KNIFE

Both men already in the ring, and both men wearing OOWF T-Shirts...This can't bode well for their careers. The bells rings and Knife comes out fast, peppering Blitz with alternating knife edge chops and forearm shivers. Blitz trying to cover up, but he's not doing a good enough job of it as Knife's shots drive him back into the corner. Knife is relentless, changing up to kicks as Blitz slumps into the corner. Knife takes a moment to remind to remind the Laotian fans that they're all sinners bound for hell, but failing to notice to notice Blitz grabbing the top ropes from his seated position, Knife moves back in, only for Blitz to pull himself up in a somersault motion, landing seated on the top rope and coming off the second turnbuckle with a diving clothesline that turns Knife inside out! If it was a desperation move, it sure was pretty one!

Blitz to his feet first, and he begins pelting the self-styled messiah of the OOWF with a series of stiff kicks to the back and chest. Knife is stunned on the mat, and Blitz shoots the ropes, coming back with a high elevation basement dropkick! Kip up by Blitz, and he's feeling it now, playing to the crowd for a moment before picking up Knife and whipping him into the turnbuckle. Blitz charges in behind, monkey flip to The Knife! Blitz back on him quickly, whips him into the opposite corner, charges in behind, and crashes and burns on the second attempt when Knife hooks the ropes! Blitz up to his feet a bit slowly, and eats a running knee lift from Knife. European uppercut from Knife sends Blitz crashing to the mat, and a diving knee drop keeps him there. Knife back in control, now hitting a lightning fast snap suplex, floating over and hooking the leg.

1...
2...

Blitz rolls a shoulder at two and half, and Knife grabs the arm locking a in a deep arm bar and planting his knee deep into Blitz's ribs. Blitz screams in pain, Knife screams "REPENT!" just as loudly. Blitz to his feet slowly, and Knife pours on the pressure to the arm. Blitz finds the ropes and grabs hold, and uses them to perform a standing front flip, landing on his feet and quickly reversing Knife's arm bar into an arm drag that sends Knife between the ropes and crashing into the barricade!

Angelo Barros starts the ten count on Knife, as Blitz gathers himself inside the ring. At 4, Knife is slowly getting to his feet. At 6, Blitz is looking at the crowd, jumping in place. At 7 Knife is to his feet, and Blitz hits the far side ropes, coming off and launching through the air with a CORKSCREW SEATED SENTON TO THE OUTSIDE~! Thank god Mike Tenay doesn't work here, or he'd have been forced to make up some name for it, like the Zambullida de la estrella del mono del fuego del espacio del vuelo. Blitz lands on his feet and turns to the crowd, who go absolutely mild. Blitz rolls Knife into the ring, lateral press,

1...
2...

Knife slings a foot on to the ropes, and Barros sees it, breaking the pin fall. Little bit of frustration showing through from Blitz, as he drags Knife towards the corner. Blitz leaps to the top rope quickly, signals for the Blitz Flip...NOBODY HOME! Blitz looks like he wiped hard on that one, and as he's drawing himself up he takes a nasty Hennig neck snap from a recovered Knife. Knife pulls Blitz to his feet, and with his left hand still holding up Blitz by his hair, hits the HAND OF GOD! Blitz legs go out from beneath him, but Knife's still holding him up as he backs up into the turnbuckle. Knife climbs backwards up the turnbuckles, dragging Blitz with him to the top, setting up the DIVINE JUDGEMENT...

NO! Blitz counters the setup with backdrop off the top rope! Knife crashes and burns on the canvas, but Blitz has managed to keep his balance up top! BLITZ FLIP CONNECTS~! Blitz hooks the leg this time, and Barros slides into position.

1...
2...
3!
WINNER VIA PINFALL at 7:43 - BLITZ!

STANK vs. ALEXIS DARLING

This one is going to be interesting and could undo all of the good that has been done recently that’s unified Team Rick in the past few days. We have this match because everyone from Alexis ‘ own partners in Run DEA to Stank have blamed her for the loss of the Campeonas de Trios and then Stank felt that Alexis would be more valuable behind the scenes. Alexis didn’t disagree, but also didn’t like how everyone was treating her and requested this match with Stank as a going-away present for herself. So let’s see what happens here when the Rage Against the Machine remix of “Bombs over Baghdad” starts and the longest-reigning OOWF World Champion in the history of the company. He steps out from the back and he looks focused if a bit annoyed that he even has to have his this match but he’s not one to back down. The crowd cheers wildly for him as he gets into the ring.

A few moments later the lights dim and “Life is Beautiful” by Sixx AM starts to be heard over the sound system. Out steps Alexis Darling and she looks like the perfect picture of Beautiful Death. Decked out in complete black with specks of red and gold she looks totally intense and walking a few steps behind her is Alexander Darling. He either looks really worn out from his match earlier with Viper or he looks fresh and ready to go for his match with Viper later in the evening. Alexander gets in the ring first and he walks over to Stank and the two share a few words and a handshake before Alexis gets into the ring and the crowd seems wary of cheering for her against one of their faves in Stank. Alexander has some last second words for Alexis as well before he steps down from the ring to the floor. Alexis has her back to Stank as she prepares in her corner for the match and it doesn’t seem like she’s going to come out for any pre-match talk from Davis Hightower. Stank just shrugs and Hightower calls for the bell.

Alexis finishes her preparation and jumps out of the corner and meets Stank in the center of the ring and she looks him eye to stomach before looking up and staring him in the eyes. A few tense moments pass between the two and you could cut it with a knife here in Laos, but then out of nowhere Alexis extends her hand. Stank looks down and the two shake hands and now we’re underway. Alexis attempts to lock-up but Stank really wants nothing to do with this match and he just pushes Alexis away. Alexis jumps back up and starts trying to slug away at Stank but they aren’t having much of an effect as he just pushes her away again. She slams the mat in frustration and charges Stank again and this time tries to try kicking Stank down to size. This has some effect as Stank staggers some as Alexis knows right where to kick, but Stank has enough and pushes Alexis away.

She slams the mat again in frustration and just before she charges Stank again Alexander calls her over and she growls but acquiesces and heads over to the corner and her brother offers her some ideas and she nods while Stank just looks on. He seems to be shaking his legs out and realizing that Alexis is taking this seriously. Lexie gets up and charges at Stank full speed and he catches her…BLACK HOLE SLAM and he almost puts Darling through the mat as the crowd and her brother cringe. Stank figures at least this is over and covers Alexis…

1…
2…
NO…Lexie kicks out and Stank just sighs.

Stank gets back to his feet and he pulls Darling up with him and he goes for a scoop slam but she wiggles out of his grasp and drop kick to the knee and Stank staggers back. Alexis continues to try and bring Stank down and she utilizes a unique offense to do so with kicks and even a “How Low Can You Go” Clothesline to the inside of Stank’s knee. Stank has staggered back to the corner and Alexis charges one more time but Stank catches her coming and slams her down to the mat with the STO. This time he doesn’t go for the cover but instead picks Lexie up by the hair and seems to loudly telling her that she asked for this as he picks her up straight over his head into a press slam and he shakes his head in apparent remorse as he just drops Lexie to the mat from a very big height. He makes the cover again…

1,,,
2,,,
2 and a half and Lexie barely rolls her shoulder.

Stank looks shocked and seems to just want to end this. He picks Lexie up and brings her close for a massive BEAR HUG. And she is in pain. And he is squeezing. Oh this won’t go on for much longer. The crowd starts to cheer as Davin Moreland steps out from the back and makes his way down to the ring. Stank gives him the eyes as Davin joins Alexander and the two bump knuckles and start banging on the ring to get Lexie to fight back. She’s struggling, but she’s also weakening even with the added boost the crowd is giving her. Alexander yells something in Japanese and Alexis snaps to attention and goes right to the eyes and Stank has to break the hold.

Alexis struggles back to the corner where her brother is and she notices Davin for the first time and he just nods and for now all seems forgiven as the two start to give her pointers when the crowd erupts again as Firewoman steps out from the back and makes her way down to the ring but surprisingly she walks to the opposite side of her Run DEA partners and gets in Stank’s corner. She yells up at him and he leans down as she seems to be giving him pointers as to Alexis’ weaknesses and we all know Firewoman knows those. Alexis notices this and then she notices the little wink from Firewoman and Alexis just shakes her head and calls Stank back to the center of the ring.

Just as they’re about to lock-up again another eruption from the crowd as The Midnight Sons and Team Aquafina come out on to the ramp together and they make their way down to the ring as well but when they get there Magnusson and Lucios head over towards Alexander and Davin’s half of the ring, while Phantos and Spin head over towards Stank and they fan out around the ring and everyone in unison starts cheering on both sides of this match. Stank and Alexis just nod and Stank actually locks up with her this time and it’s obvious he has the power advantage, but Lexie is a slippery type and starts using her quickness and catching Stank from different angles. She’s actually putting up a fight and Stank is having trouble grabbing her and taking advantage of his strength. Alexis has Stank staggered and in one fluid motion she jumps up to the top rope and waits for Stank to turn and face her…he does…ALEXIS-GO-ROUND…Stank is down.

Stank is down…

Alexis on top for the cover…

1…
And no, Stank tosses her off with authority.

Alexis back up to her feet and she waits for Stank to get up and as soon as he does Alexis rushes in…NEW JERSEY HAMMER. Stank down to a knee and he looks to the outside where DH is and DH just shrugs. Stank sighs and starts to get back to his feet but Alexis is running full blast at him…STANDING ENZUIGURI. Stank’s down again…

1…
2…
And another kick out with authority. But that was too close for Stank.

Stank gets back to his feet and he sees Lexis running at him and picks her straight up in the air…STANK BOMB…Holy fuck…Alexis may be dead. Stank sighs and makes the cover…academic cover at that…

1…
2…
Thre….NO…Alexis kicked out. And the crowd erupts as every single wrestler around the ring starts banging on the mat harder and harder and now they’re joined by the rest of Team Rick as they all come down to ringside and I do mean all of Team Rick, Outback Jack, Concrete Gryfon, Carl from Fresno, Justin Sane, Bunny, Samantha Darling, LonelyGirl15, Spiros, Smokey, Emma…if you name someone from Team Rick they are now at ringside and everyone is slamming the mat in rhythmic unison as Alexis gets back to her feet and motions for Stank to come at her. Stank really seems to be getting into this and he starts slugging away at Darling who is taking every blow and we can see that they’re hurting her but she takes them each and fires back with one of her own and they actually ARE having an effect on Stank.

Stank finally goes for the big right, but Lexie is too fast and ducks under it and dives right at Stank’s leg and takes him down to a knee. Off the ropes and beautiful SHINING WIZARD and Stank is down on his stomach. Alexis looks over to her brother who nods and Lexie smiles as she walks towards Stank’s legs. She crosses them and grabs him by the back of his head…MOTHERFUCKIN’ CURBSTOMP. I cannot believe this but Stank may be in trouble here. Lexie realizes this and flips Stank over and just as she’s about to cover she looks up and thinks of something. She is slowly, ever so slowly dragging Stank near one of the corners. This is taking a lot of time. She finally gets him into position and she climbs the ropes…she takes one look over her shoulder to make sure Stank is still down. You can almost sense the adrenaline running through Alexis right now. She takes one deep breath…and goes for it…

PHOENIX SPLASH…

And it connects, sorta…it looks like she actually overshot it by a bit but she hit enough and she makes the cover…is that it?

ONE…

TWO…

TH…NOOOOOOO

Stank kicks out. The crowd is going fucking nuts as is every single wrestler in the ringside area. Alexis slams the mat and heads back over to Stank as she contemplates her next move, but she took long and she’s rolled up into a small package…no, Stank rolls all the way up to his feet and he has Alexis on his shoulders. Oh lord, he’s got her in position and there it is…

STANK-U.

This match is over…Stank makes the cover…

ONE…

TWO…

THREE.

Yes there it is folks, the bell rings and there is some disappointment in the crowd, but it’s unnoticed by the absolute thunderous ovation that drowns it out. Stank gets to his feet and falls back against the ropes as Alexander Darling is the first one in the ring after the match and he’s checking on his sister. He’s given her some water and she seems to be getting coherent again and the rest of Team Rick has now gotten in the ring just as Alexander helps his sister to her feet. He places her in one corner and he steps back and he starts clapping. First to his sister, and then also to Stank for one hell of a show. One by one each member in the ring has followed and begun to applaud as well and this is one hell of a show of Team Unity, if I do say so myself. Finally, Alexis nods in thanks to everyone and then she starts to clap as well in Stank’s direction and in a not so surprising move at all Stank returns the favor and meets Alexis in the center of the ring and raises her hand as well. He whispers a few last words to her as Team Rick surrounds the two of them to an obscene amount of applause.
WINNER as a result of pin fall in 16:22…STANK.

But really the winner of this match….TEAM RICK.

PHANTOS, LUCIOS, CONCRETE TG & JUSTIN SANE vs. ERIC O’MAC, TYSON KINCAID, THE AMNESIAC & MOOSEHEAD JACK

Concrete TG, Justin Sane and Team Aquafina make their separate entrances. Eric O’Mac and Tyson Kincaid come down next. The Amnesiac’s music strikes up and he comes charging down to the ring. He slides under the ropes and heads straight for CTG. They begin brawling and tumble to the floor. Eric and Tyson charge in and go toe to toe with Team Aquafina. Justin stands in the ring facing the ramp waiting for Moosehead Jack to appear. He pumps his fists and shadow boxes for a few moments, not seeing MHJ slide into the ring from behind him. Moose taps Justin on the shoulder and HEART PUNCHES him out of the ring. MHJ rushes to join The Amnesiac in beating on CTG. It takes several agents and all 5 referees to come down and restore order. Referee Angelo Barros manages to separate Team Aquafina from Eric and TK and get the match officially started. Phantos and Tyson lock up and get underway. Wristlock by Tyson. Phantos reverses it and backs into his corner. Lucios tags in and head butts TK. An Irish whip and Lucios levels Tyson with a forearm. Tyson backs up and tags in Moose. Moose locks up with Lucios and backs him into enemy territory. Moose pounds away with his right hand. Lucios fights back, but gets hit from behind by Eric. Moose short-arm clotheslines Lucios and plants him with a DDT. Tag to The Amnesiac. Amnesiac slingshots in with a leg drop and gets a 2 count. Lucios gets to his feet and backdrops a charging Amnesiac. Gorilla Press Slam. Tag to Concrete TG. CTG rushes in and begins to pepper Amnesiac with Tajiri-style kicks. Crete gets a deep arm drag and catches Amnesiac with a Lung Blower. Crete covers for a 2 count, and tags in Justin. Sane body slams Amnesiac and hits a fist drop. Sane bounces off the ropes and goes for a big splash, but Amnesiac rolls out of the way and Sane eats canvas. Tag into Eric O’Mac. Eric suplexes Justin and waits for him to get back to his feet. ROCK BOTTOM! Eric makes a lazy cover and gets 1…2…and Justin Kicks Out! Eric is PISSED and rushes in to delivery the Randy Orton Concussion Kick. Justin rolls out of the way, and Eric ends up whiffing on the kick and falling on his ass. Tag to Phantos. Dropkick. Eric grabs the ropes to avoid a second dropkick, and gets backdroppped. Back elbow floors O’Mac. Flying Burrito. Slingshot suplex. Tag to Lucios and Team Aquafina hits the DOUBLE DROPKICK! Lucios covers. 1…2… and Tyson dives in to break up the pin. Crete charges in, which draws Moose in and they go toe to toe exchanging punches. Justin climbs to the top and hits the charging Amnesiac with a body press and they tumble to the outside. They end up trading chair shots into the crowd, with arena security scrambling to clear fans away from the combatants. Moose and Crete battle up the ramp with the ring bell and a trash can lid. Eric, Tyson and Team Aquafina end up brawling all around the ringside area. During the Melee, Eric gets Border Tosses into the Micronesian Announce Table. Phantos ends up on the top Turnbuckle and dives at Tyson, who ducks and lets Phantos crash into the ringside barrier. Tyson loops a microphone cord around Lucios neck, gets hit with a monitor, and finally Agents and the rest of the referees come down again and get all 8 men to the locker rooms.
WINNERS in 12:43; NO CONTEST

DAVIN MORELAND vs. POE

“For Whom the Bell Tolls” starts and Poe (accompanied by Selena) makes his way down to the ring to the now-usual chorus of boos. Poe seems unaffected by this now, and solemnly climbs into the ring, handing his duster to Selena on the outside. Backstage, we see Davin Moreland (sans sound) gesturing in such a way that he looks like he’s imploring the rest of Run DEA to stay backstage. They reluctantly agree and “Pull Me Under” starts up. The crowd jumps to their feet roaring with cheers as Davin Moreland marches down the ramp with his arms raised. He’s not really playing to the crowd, but he IS pointing right at Poe, who just smirks at him. Davin one hops the apron, then the ropes and walks directly over to Poe. Glaw is pretty flustered by being rushed, and quickly calls for the bell. WE’RE UNDERWAY!

Quick lockup, and the two manhandle each other to a stalemate. Davin gives Poe some fake applause, and the crowd laughs. Poe charges and Davin catches him with an Atomic Drop. Davin goes for the quick Diamond Cutter, but Poe shoves him off and hits him with a clothesline. Davin staggers, and Poe hits a quick GERMAN SUPLEX. Poe’s not wasting any time, and hits a Standing Leg drop. He pulls Davin to his feet, and hits a BIG DDT. Poe’s cover barely gets two. Poe takes off running for the ropes and hits a LOW BASEMENT DROPKICK to Moreland’s head. A couple more kicks to the head, and Poe decides it’s time for the DESERT SCORPION! He’s got it locked on, and its effective; but poorly placed. After about 20 seconds Davin gets the rope and Glaw calls for the break, finally getting it at 4.

Poe is on top of Moreland immediately, punching away at the back of his head, forcing Moreland to grab the ropes again. Glaw pulls Poe off this time and threatens disqualification. Poe glares and stalks Moreland again. He hoists Davin up and hits a PILEDRIVER! Cover: 1, 2, th…FOOT ON THE ROPES! Poe slams the mat with his fists. He picks Moreland up again and gives him some rough turnbuckle treatment, finally lifting him up on his shoulders. I think he’s looking for The Pendulum! He spins Davin around and IT’S REVERSED TO A TOR-NA-DO DDT! What a move! Both men are down and Glaw is forced to start a count. Backstage, we see Run DEA with 6 members of Team Rick laid out on the floor. They’re all on their stomachs…MOTHERFUCKIN’ CURBSTOMPS FOR EVERYONE! Concrete TG then appears and (again sans sound) looks to try to get ringside, but is held at bay by Run DEA. Crete looks crestfallen as he looked like he wanted to make up for last week.

Back in the ring, and both men are up at 8, but Poe is fresher. He works a headlock, but is shoved off to the ropes. BEAUTIFUL Dropkick by Moreland staggers Poe. BIG BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX sends Poe across the ring. SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT! The cover gets a weak 2. Moreland lifts Poe up…WAY up…and hits a MILITARY PRESS SLAM to the rope, which catches Poe across the throat. His momentum sends him into Moreland’s arms, and Davin puts Poe on his shoulders and carries him to the top rope. Davin sets him up…ELEVATED DIAMOND CUTTER!

Russ: BAH GAWD!

Glaw expects a cover and slides in, but Moreland has other plans. He moves to the unconscious big man’s leg, and locks in an ANKLE LOCK ON POE’S SURGICALLY REPAIRED ANKLE! He GRAPEVINES THE LEG! Poe has no chance here. Selena jumps on the apron trying to buy time for help to arrive…but none is coming. Poe is awake and SCREAMING and tapping for all he’s worth. Selena finally fears for her Master’s help and sadly hops off the apron. Glaw sees the tapping and immediately calls for the bell.
WINNER by SUBMISSION in 19:14…DAVIN MORELAND!

Post-match, Moreland refuses to break the hold, and it takes a flood of referees and indie workers to pull him off. Poe does the stretcher job, threatening death.

TYTAN vs. OUTBACK JACK – Last Man Standing Match

Tytan enters the arena first, accompanied by Mr. Steel and Dr. Podvod. Tytan looks more intense than usual, if that’s possible. They enter he ring and Tytan poses menacingly. He glares up the aisle as Outback Jack and Wally B King make their way to the ring. Strangely, Jack isn’t carrying a beer, and as the camera zooms in, it focuses on his eyes for a moment and we see why – Jack of the Hinterlands has come out to play. From about halfway up the aisle, Jack sprints to the ring and dives in, sliding across the mat and taking Tytan out at the knees. Steel and Podvod scatter, and referee Junior Hale calls for the bell. Jack continues his assault, pulling Tytan to his feet and backing him to the ropes with punches. Jack whips Tytan across the ring, and greets him with a head butt that echoes like a gunshot. Tytan crumples, and Jack lets out a roar that scatters the first few rows. He throws Tytan back to the ropes and plants him with a power slam before hitting the ropes himself and driving a knee into his face. Jack pulls a dazed Tytan to his feet, hits the ropes behind him, and levels him with the Boomerang! Junior moves in to count:
1…2…3…4…
Tytan gets to his knees and Jack moves in, but Tytan catches him with a shot to the midsection. Jack doubles over, and Tytan drives a rising knee into his face. As Jack’s nose starts to pour blood, Tytan whips him to the ropes and hits a Decapitator. He presses the advantage with a series of stomps and kicks as Jack rolls to the ropes. Tytan gets behind Jack as he gets up, slamming a series of blows into his kidneys and back. Tytan hooks Jack from behind and pulls him to the middle of the ring, planting him with a reverse DDT. Junior Counts
1…2…3…
Tytan moves in as Jack gets up, but Jack meets him with a punch to the midsection. Jack keeps Tytan off-balance with punches as he works his way to his feet, then comes off the ropes and hits a neck breaker. Jack goes back to the ropes and drives an elbow into Tytan’s throat, then sits him up and hooks a reverse chin lock. Tytan tries to power out, and Jack subdues him with a series of cross faces. He switches his grip to a Dragon Sleeper and pulls Tytan to his feet, still in the hold. Inverted Suplex! Jack steps back and Junior counts.
1…2…3…4…5…6…
Tytan slowly staggers to his feet, and Jack greets him with a kick to the head. He drives Tytan back to the ropes with punches and whips him across the ring. Tytan chooses discretion and grabs the ropes, sliding out to the floor. Steel and Podvod join him to discuss strategy, but the meeting is adjourned early on account of a flying Jack, who dives through the ropes and levels all three.
Jack is up first and moves toward Tytan, who rolls to his knees and pastes him with a steel chair. Jack is knocked off balance, but does not go down so Tytan gets to his feet and swings again. Jack staggers, but keeps his feet. Tytan, visibly frustrated, winds up, and literally wraps the chair around Jack’s head. Jack’s eyes roll back in his head, and he collapses face-first on the floor. Junior makes sure he’s still breathing, then starts the count.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…
Jack rolls to his knees and fixes Tytan with a glare of death. Tytan swallows visibly, and takes a step back. Steel hands Tytan another chair as Jack gets to his feet. Jack launches himself at Tytan, ducks under the chair swing, and spears him into the ring apron hard enough to move the ring. Tytan’s legs are driven back, and he lands facedown, partially under the ring. Jack sets the chair up and lifts Tytan’s face high enough to slam it into the chair seat once, twice, three times. Blood is pouring from Tytan’s face now as well, as Jack drops him and Junior counts.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…
Steel steps in front of Junior, arguing with him about the count. He draws him away allowing Dr. Podvod to “check” on Tytan. She drops something into his mouth and moves away as his eyes start to flutter rapidly. Jack, who’s been following Junior and Steel’s argument, finally decides he’s had enough. He pitches Steel into the ringside barrier and turns Junior back toward Tytan. Unfortunately, this puts his back to Podvod, who takes advantage with a soprano-inducing low blow. Tytan springs to his feet and grabs Jack as he doubles over, lifting him for a power bomb. While he has Jack in the air, Tytan runs him spine-first into the ring post before turning and driving him through the Canadian announce Table. Wally, who’s been keeping Steel at bay, rushes to check on him, but Junior holds him back and starts the count.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10!
WINNER and last man standing, in 18:56, Tytan!

ATTITUDE ADJUSTER & THE WORLDS GREATEST FAG TEAM vs. MARK VANDER & CAPE TOWN CANNIBALS – Campeonas de Trios Championship Match

Vander and the Cape Town Cannibals make their way to the ring accompanied by ECW and ZK DeBeers. DeBeers gives them some last minute instructions, then heads to the back, presumably to prepare for his world title match later tonight. The four huddle in the corner and seem to be debating the price of oil and how it reflects on the global economy, when the Worlds Greatest Fag Team (we have to get that fixed) and Attitude Adjuster make their way to the ring. They climb between the ropes and wait for a moment, but Vander and the Cape Town Cannibals appear to be deep in discussion and don’t even notice them. Finally MacCappington, Hardcore and AA walk across the ring and trap their opponents in the corner. They finally end their debate and look up and realize they are trapped. The Trios champions hammer away at their opponents sending them to the canvas. Attitude Adjuster dumps TNA over the top rope and follows him to the outside where he slams his head into the Croatian Announce Table. Inside the ring, FFM whips WWE to the ropes and catches him with a Samoan drop. Vander gets to his feet only to get caught by an enzuguri from Hardcore that sends him to the mat. Hardcore grabs Vander’s arms and sets him up for a curb stomp, but not before MacCappington catches him with a stiff kick to the face. With Vander dazed, Hardcore DRIVES his face into the mat. The WGFT pull WWE to his feet and throw him out of the ring. On the opposite side, AA catches TNA with an old school pile driver on the concrete floor. AA rolls into the ring and it appears that he will be the legal man. AA pulls Vander to his feet and sends him to the ropes and catches him with a knee to the mid-section. AA bounds off the ropes and drops a knee across his head, then tags in Hardcore. Ryan comes in and waits for Vander to get to his feet, then hits him with a spinning heel kick that doubles him over in pain, then hits the ropes and catches him with an axe kick to the back of the head. Hardcore covers, but Vander kicks out at two. Ryan pulls Vander to his feet and sends him to the ropes, but lowers his head a moment too soon and gets a clubbing forearm to the back of the head. Vander tags in TNA, and he charges into the ring, yelling the whole way, Hardcore easily sidesteps the charge and catches TNA on the rebound with a super kick to the mouth. Hardcore tags in MacCappington, he comes in and pulls TNA to his feet, sends him to the ropes and hits the GREETINGS FROM FRESNO! TNA is dead, but they are not done yet. FFM scrapes him off the mat and adds a POWERBOMB! MacCappington tags in AA and he steps between the ropes, adjusts his orthopedic glove, then slaps on THE IRON CLAW!!! MacCappington and Hardcore rush the ring and attack Vander and WWE, sending them out of the ring. TNA’s head starts to bleed, the referee takes a good look, then calls the match.
WINNERS in 8:48 and STILL OOWF Campeonas de Trios Champions – The Worlds Greatest Fag Team & Attitude Adjuster

THE DEAD vs. FIREWOMAN – OOWF Onslaught Championship Last Chance Match

“Fuel” by Metallica starts to blast through the speakers and as the crowd starts raucously cheering, the lights in the arena go red. As Firewoman appears at the top of the ramp with her hands raised in the air looking SERIOUSLY pissed off, the crowd starts a “FIRE GOT SCREWED” chant. Fire acknowledges it a bit as she climbs into the ring, just staring daggers down the ramp. There’s a long pause before “Doomsday Clock” starts, and The Dead makes his way to the top of the ramp, and he’s flanked by Eric O’Mac and THE Amnesiac. Dead holds his belt to the crowd in a taunting manner, and Fire takes notice of the extra backup Dead brought, but doesn’t seem to care much. Dead rolls in and hands his belt to Davis Hightower. He holds it high in the air. This match is for the OOWF Onslaught Championship, if Firewoman loses, she will NEVER get another shot at the title. Hightower hands the belt to the timekeeper and calls for the bell…and WE’RE UNDERWAY!

Fire and Dead circle each other and talk massive trash. Somewhere in the middle of it, “Ladies and Gentlemen” starts up and we see Davin Moreland and Alexander Darling SPRINTING~! Down the ramp. They jaw with O’Mac and THE Amnesiac, but take the opposite side of the ring. As the music hit, Dead was distracted, and took a look up the ramp. Fire didn’t, and caught Dead with a STIFF left hook. With Dead taken off guard, Fire just ROCKS Dead with lefts and rights…

Russ: IT’S A SLOBBERKNOCKER!

Fire forces Dead to the ropes and snaps off a SPINNING HEEL KICK spilling Dead to the outside. He’s fortunate that he landed amongst friends, and they help him back in. Fire is on Dead immediately, and just stomps away mercilessly.

Russ: This is NOT a catch-as-catch-can style match…

Fire is absolutely RAGING and eventually degenerates to taking Dead by the back of the head and repeatedly smashing his face into the mat. Finally Hightower (after letting this go a little bit) starts a count, and Fire just DOES stop at 4. She gives the break, but jumps immediately back in, and hooks Dead up for a BIG Suplex. Cover gets 2. Fire checks Dead’s weakened state, and decides that NOW would be a good time to hook Dead into a FIRETAMER. They’re in the middle of the ring, and Dead is in BIG TROUBLE! After a good minute, THE Amnesiac rushes in like he’s going to break up the hold, but is cutoff by Hightower. Dead starts tapping. O’Mac comes charging in, and he is cut off by Hightower, Darling and Moreland. Dead is STILL tapping. Amnesiac, using the distraction, kicks Firewoman into next week in the head, and the hold is finally broken. O’Mac retreats to the mat, and a seriously pissed off Moreland and Darling retreat as well, although they look to be plotting as they hit the mat.

Russ: This is just a TRAVESTY…This match should be over and WE should have a new Champion…BAH GAWD!

Hightower turns around in time to see both wrestlers down, so he starts a 10 count. Dead’s up first at 7, and moves to Fire, stomping away. Fire looks just about done. Dead sets Fire up…CURBSTOMP! He moves to cover and gets 2. He pulls Fire to her feet…SPRINGBOARD DDT! Another cover, and that gets 2 and a half. Dead pulls Fire up again, and RELEASE GERMAN SUPLEX into the corner. He motions for Fire to get up, stalking her. On the floor, Davin has sprinted around the other side of the ring, right into O’Mac and THE Amnesiac’s grill. As they back away, they walk right into VICIOUS CHAIR SHOTS from Darling. Darling and Moreland nod at each other, and Moreland hops the apron, drawing Hightower’s attention, and they start discussing Obama’s chances of winning the Mountain West states. Dead is so focused on the just-starting-to-stir Firewoman, that he doesn’t see Alexander Darling and is too late to react to the DARLING DRIVER! Dead is done. Darling now joins in the conversation with Davin and Davis, and allows Davin to slip away as Dead starts to stir a bit. Fire starts to collect herself in the corner and sees Davin hit Dead with a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER! She gets a pissed off look for two seconds, but then smiles and nods, while Davin returns the nod. Davin makes eye contact with Darling, and they both immediately climb their respective turnbuckles. Hightower admonishes them to get down. With his back turned, Fire is able to deliver a LOW BLOW, and a sick one. Darling and Moreland hit STEREO MOONSAULTS to the outside on O’Mac and THE Amnesiac. Hightower turns around just in time to see Firewoman rolling up The Dead. She’s got her feet on the ropes and a handful of tights! Higtower counts…1, 2, 3…just as Dead kicks out…NEW CHAMP!
WINNER by Darling Finish in 18:21 and NEW OOWF ONSLAUGHT CHAMPION…FIREWOMAN!!!

Post-match, Fire isn’t done and hits 3 more low blows on The Dead, and he crumples in a heap. Moreland and Darling lift their respective carcasses from the outside. They roll all 3 men onto their stomachs and trade sick smiles with each other…TRIPLE MOTHERFUCKING CURBSTOMPS! Hightower retrieves the belt and hands it to Firewoman who holds it high into the air to the approval of the crowd. She gets her hands raised by Darling and Moreland, both just BEAMING with pride as the rest of Run DEA makes it out to the mat. Maybe Team Rick WILL do anything to win?

[IHOP vs. THE MIDNIGHT SONS – OOWF World Tag Team Title Match

Spin and DHM are in a bad mood as SYB and Skurge cautiously make their way to the ring. The Sons aren't in the mood for bullshit, so they meet em halfway in the aisle and the fight is ON! Spin and Magnusson pound the champs down. Spin tosses Skurge over the rail and into the crowd. DHM with an overhead throw on SYB on the concrete, and Spin peels him up and tosses him in the ring. Skurge climbs over the rail, but only gets halfway when DHM boots him back into the fans. SYB to the eyes of Spin to catch a break, and a kneelift takes him down. SYB goes to drag him back up, but Spin sucker punches him. Sloppy suplex sends SYB flying across the ring. Tag to DHM as Skurge drags his ass back down the aisle. Magnusson works over SYB in the corner, and an avalanche clothesline drops SYB like a sack of potatoes. Stiff spinebuster and a cover, but Skurge drags DHM out of the ring to break it. Magnusson decks Skurge, but SYB snaps DHM's neck off the ropes as he gets back in. SYB and Skurge put the boots to him on the floor, and Spin is around to break up that fracas. Back in, and IHOP gets some double teaming in via a tag. Skurge peppers DHM in the corner, but Magnusson fights out until SYB yanks hm down from behind. To the ropes, but Skurge puts his head down early and gets the shit kicked out of him. Powerslam and tag to Spin, and Hansen storms in with a big lariat that turns Skurge inside out. SYB steps in, but steps back out as Spin charges. SYB reaches in to grab his feet, but Spin sees him and steps on his fingers instead. HIGH TIMES for Skurge!! One, two... and the bell rings?? The ref turns to see why the bell rung, and SYB is walking away from the timekeeper with the bell in his hand. Spin and DHM follow out and chase SYB back into the ring. Spin catches him and they set up for 100 PROOF~! But Skurge grabs the bell and decks Magnusson with it to draw the cheap DQ!!
WINNERS by DISQUALIFICATION in 9:02: THE MIDNIGHT SONS

ALEXANDER DARLING vs. DONOVAN VIPER – OOWF Intercontinental Title Match

The time has come for the IC Title Match and the first thing we hear are the familiar beats of Viper’s entrance, “Angry Chair” by Alice in Chains. He does not look like a happy camper as he makes his way into the ring and awaits the entrance of the new Champion who is set to begin his second reign with the IC Belt. “There Can Be Only One” booms over the sound system and the crowd actually erupts as they begin to clap in unison to the hypnotic beat of “Prelude 12/21.” Alexander Darling steps out and like a true champion he is wearing his belt around his waist. He seems confused by the reaction of the crowd but seems to get into it as his sister, no not Alexis, the new one Samantha joins him as he walks down the aisle as the crowd starts to sing along to Queen’s “Princes of the Universe.” He gets into the ring while Sam chooses to stay on the outside.

Darling takes off the IC Belt and hands it to our referee for the match, Sterling Glaw. Glaw turns his back to hand the belt to the timekeeper and Darling takes the opportunity to flip Viper the double finger salute. Viper jumps Darling at that and Sterling tries to break it up, but decides to forget about it and starts the match off. Viper is trying to get at Alexander but he’s continuing to let DV’s frustration cloud his judgment and this keeps AD a step ahead. AD’s attitude hasn’t changed much though and you can still sense his arrogance as it costs him when Viper makes a move but changes direction at the last moment after Darling was already gloating and DV hits a beautiful leg lariat.

Viper takes his time with the advantage and really tries to begin to wear down Alexander with a slow methodical move set that was seemingly planned to take away the high-impact offense that Darling has become known for. People can say all they want about Donnie’s lifestyle choices…

DV: I’M NOT A HOMO!

…right, as I was saying. People can believe whatever they want about Viper but he is one of the greats here in the OOWF and he’s showing us why tonight. He is giving AD everything in his arsenal and seems to have come up with a strategy to defeat Alexander and reclaim the Intercontinental Title for yet another reign. Samantha is cheering her brother on and then the crowd starts getting into it and Darling is using the crowd as a driving force as he starts to fight back. Viper is trying to put AD back down, but Alex blocks a punch and returns. He blocks a kick and returns with one of his own. Viper attempts an Irish whip, but a reversal from Darling and DV bounces off the ropes into a beautiful standing dropkick from Darling. Darling is quick to stay on Viper, Snap mare sets Viper up for a hard kick to his spine and Darling bounces off the ropes, SHINING WIZARD puts DV down. AD jumps down to make the cover…

1…
2…
Kick out.

Alexander looks to stay on the offensive and goes to pick up Donovan, but the cagey veteran still knows enough and he tosses Darling to the outside. He refuses to listen to Glaw and follows Darling to the outside. He attempts a double axe-handle off the apron but AD sees him coming and catches him coming off with a shot to the stomach and Viper does a full flip. Darling drags DV up by the hair and attempts to slide him back into the ring but Viper hits the ropes and rebounds off and catches AD with a lariat…beautiful REBOUND LARIAT from Donovan there and Glaw jumps down from the ring to try and get both back into the ring. DV shrugs him off and takes Darling and whips him hard into the guardrail.

Viper follows up and takes Alexander and whips him the other way right into the steel steps. Glaw’s had enough and gets back into the ring and starts his count. Viper looks back into the ring and seems to be contemplating what’s more important and he decides it’s to inflict more punishment on Darling. He heads back towards Darling who has recovered enough and catches the advancing DV with a kick to the midsection and he quickly tosses him back into the ring and follows him just as Glaw was getting to 8.

Viper and Darling are both back in the ring and standing face to face it looks like we’re about to start phase 2 of this match. And it starts with a bang when Viper winds up and straight up slaps Alexander across the face. Alexander’s head snaps back and he turns back to face DV and he has a huge smile on his face. Donovan seems perturbed by that reaction and attempts to do it again, but Alexander catches his arm and in some of the quickest, fluid moves we’ve seen from him…front kick to the stomach, inverted atomic drop, right into the BRAINBUSTA. And Viper is down. AD goes for the cover…

1…
2…
Viper rolls his shoulder to stop the count.

Darling is on now and he picks Viper up. Irish whip, but DV grabs onto the ropes and slides out of the ring to try and recover. He’s gathering himself and he has no time to notice as he’s walked around the ring that Samantha is now standing in his way. Viper seems to be blathering about showing her a real man when she just points towards the ring. Viper motions that he’s too smart for that and advances a step on the elder Darling which puts him in the perfect position for TOPE CON HILO by Alexander and the crowd erupts as AD stays on his feet. Viper is in trouble now. AD picks him up and looks like he’s about to toss him back in the ring but then realizes he can have some fun with DV on the outside.

He looks around under the ring and he pulls out a garbage can of toys. Glaw has basically said fuck it and is taking a nap inside the ring not caring if these two kill each other at this point. Darling is looking around in the can and he doesn’t realize that DV has gotten up behind him. Viper takes AD and slams him head first into the post. Darling is down and he’s bleeding. Viper reaches down to pick up Darling, but there was no need as he’s already getting to his feet. Donovan is shocked as Darling has a look of pure hatred in his eyes. DV starts to back up when Darling reaches up and feels the blood pouring down his face. AD looks at his hands like they are new and different and Viper is getting freaked. He attempts to scurry back in the ring but Alexander grabs his legs and drags him back to the outside and spins him right around and full contact head butt and for possibly the first time AD breaks someone else’s nose as Viper’s face explodes into a ball of red.

Viper staggers back but he’s as tough as they come and he and Alexander are now just slugging it out on the floor. Glaw has rolled over in the ring and gotten a seemingly better position for his nap. Viper goes to slam AD into the post again but Darling reverses and pulls Donovan back and yet another kick to the stomach. Viper is bent over and Darling reaches down and gets him up in the air, arms spread nice and wide…CRUCIFIX BOMB into the guardrail. Darling wipes his face again and gets an even more sadistic look as he wipes it over his chest. He looks around and sees the Avalon announce table. Darling clears it off and drags Viper over to it and places him on top of the table. Viper is trying to fight back and it looks like he has and he gets Alexander into position for the SIDEWINDER.

Alex fights it off though and straight up kills Donnie with a right cross and just as Viper is about to fall, Alexander picks him up, places the arm across the throat…

OH….

MY….

GOD…

DARLING DRIVER….

THROUGH THE TABLE…

Both men are dead and the crowd is going fucking ape-shit and this finally wakes Glaw up. He sees the carnage and decides to start the count. Samantha has rushed over and is trying to get through the broken pieces of the table. Glaw is up to five when we see our first sign of movement from Alexander. Sam is dragging him to his feet as Glaw gets to seven. Darling looks down with a look of contempt at Donovan as he backs up towards the ring. Glaw is at 9 when Alexander arrogantly rolls back into the ring and Glaw hits 10.

Alexander gets to his feet as Sterling hands him his Intercontinental Ti…no CHAMPIONSHIP. The crowd cheers as Samantha joins her brother in the ring and Alexander Darling holds the Championship Belt high above his head as medics are checking on Viper through the broken table at ringside.
WINNER in 17:43 as a result of count out and STILL OOWF Intercontinental Champion…. Alexander Darling.

LD WILLIAMS vs. ZK DEBEERS – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match

The bell rings, as ZK DeBeers and LD Williams walk towards each other. ZK DeBeers, showing no respect all for the champion, immediately throws an open hand slap across LD's face! LD's demeanor goes from calm to pissed, as he grits his teeth, and as ZK prepares to throw another blow, LD catches his hand, twists his arm which sends ZK to the ground, and sits on ZK's shoulder, creating a very basic, but also very painful arm bar submission! ZK starts screaming, scrambling for the ropes. He gets their and the referee for our feature main event "Blind" Sterling Glaw, reminds LD that he has a 5 count. LD breaks the hold right away, bouncing off the opposite ropes, and hitting ZK De Beers with a B-E-A-UTIFUL baseball slide that sends ZK DeBeers out of the ring and into the steel barricade! As ZK DeBeers struggles to find out where he is, LD runs and OHMYGOD! SUICIDE DIVE THROUGH THE ROPES!

Glaw starts his ten count, reaching 4, before both men start stirring. LD Williams gets up first, grabs ZK by his back and basically throws him into the ring, beating Glaw's 10 count with plenty of time. LD rolls back into the ring, but DeBeers has recovered, and delivers the boots to LD as he enters the ring. As LD gets up, ZK hits him with double leg take down, jacking LD up and onto his back. In a quick reflex, ZK uses this opportunity to roll up LD, and he GRABS the tights! Glaw counts 1, 2, and a KICKOUT by LD, who looks pissed - even more so now. Glaw did catch the tights being grabbed at the end, but before he can warn ZK (because the OOWF doesn't DQ wrestlers for shit like that), LD EXPLODES towards ZK with a wicked clothesline! ZK flips upon impact, and rolls out of the ring to catch his breath. LD doesn't like this and is in hot pursuit of ZK. ZK notices this, and gets in the ring. LD follows, and ZK attempts to lay the boots to LD once more, but LD, having already once been taken advantaged of like that, sees it coming, and is able to grab ZK's boots and turns it into an ankle lock! ZK, more than just a pompous ass, is in considerable pain, but quickly reverses by using his leg strength to roll LD forward and into a pin position! Glaw counts again 1......2....and LD kicks out!

ZK, feeling more confident seeing how he has two near falls on the champion, doesn't waste time in getting LD up for a back breaker, as LD clutches his back. ZK follows up with an abdominal stretch, with puts even more pressure to the already tender back of the the World Heavyweight Champion. Glaw asks LD if he wants to submit, and LD doesn't even justify that with a response. He's able to power out into a standing position, where he gets one arm free, and uses his other arm to whip ZK into the turnbuckle! He then follows with heavy, stiff clubs to the head area, while the crowd counts along..1....2....3....4.....5!! LD then drops ZK down with a drop toe hold, which leads into the STF! ZK is fighting the hold, but LD clinches in! ZK is in no position to get to the ropes! Glaw is talking to ZK, asking him if he wants to continue! LD doesn't let go...and ZK is out of it. Sterling Glaw calls for the bell, ladies and gentlemen, this one is OVER!
WINNER in 9:19, via referees decision/knock out: LD WILLIAMS!

Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF As Yet Unnamed July PPV, Live July 27th from Camp Anaconda. Iraq! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem Live! July 9th, from Mandalay, Burma!

For all your OOWF shopping needs, check out www.cafepress.com/oowfshirts

Join us for OOWF Chat on Wednesday nights!

<The bartender and piano player are sweeping up debris and other mess left over from the battle in the Destroyitarium. The place is seemingly cleared of everyone save D&D members DH Magnusson and Outback Jack. Mags and Outback sit over at the only table and chairs left untouched by the carnage. Stank starts to make his way over there when he spies Donovan Viper still lying on the floor. Stank walks over to Viper and kicks him.>

Stank - Wake up, asshole!

Viper - Huh... wha..?

Stank - Get the fuck up. Fightin's over for now.

Viper - Fuck you Stank. I'm...

<Viper sits up and notices he's alone with Drink & Destroy.>

Viper - Right... I'll be leaving, now.

<Viper stands and walks out with his head held high. Stank walks over to the table.>

Stank - Gentlemen.

DHM - Why do we have a piano player?

Stank - I don't know. Left over from the old west D&D glory days I guess.

OBJ - Back in your feud with the Chickenshit Heels.

Stank - Yeah that was something. What most people DON'T know is that my great, great, great grandpa was part of the Online Onslaught Wrestling Federation back when "online" really MEANT something...

****

A piano song plays as the scene fades to the old west circa 1867. A train whistle blares in the distance. Soon the train approaches, then roars by the camera. There are 5 passenger cars, the middle car is an open air one with a wrestling ring set up. We cut to inside the second passenger car.

Conductor - I'm telling you Mistah Scaia this idear of yours is dangerous and irrisponsible. I mean wrestlin... on a Train? Fo pity's SAKE!

****

DHM - STOP.

Stank - What?

OBJ - We've heard this one.

Stank - Really?

DHM - Yes... it was very humorous.

Stank - Well it was true. Don't let Alan or Johnny tell you different.

OBJ - I'm not touching that story with a 10ft pole. Last time it came up it was part of the neverending promo.

DHM - The what now?

OBJ - The neverending promo... let's not speak of it.

Stank - Anyway I'll be right back.

OBJ - Last time you said that you were going to see Alexis and all hell broke loose.

Stank - ALEXIS! Fuck! I forgot all about her.

OBJ - Understandable given the circumstances.

WORLDS GREATEST FAG TEAM & ATTITUDE ADJUSTER vs. GAEILIC STORM & OUTBACK JACK – OOWF Campeonas de Trios Title Match

The Challengers are out first, settling on “Tessie” by the Dropkick Murphys as their entrance music. Gaelic Storm and OBJ slap hands with the fans and drink some adult beverages on their way to the ring, as the crowd sings along…which is pretty damned funny. They finish up and toss their bottles/cans into the crowd awaiting the champs. “Laid to Rest” by Lamb Of God starts up, and the World’s Gayest Fag Team along with Attitude Adjuster makes their way down to the ring to a lusty chorus of boos. The Champs leave no doubt that the feeling is mutual, letting the crowd know that they think they’re number one. Once in the ring, and neither team has any issue jawing with one another, Senior Referee takes about 2.1 seconds to take control, before he visibly gives up and calls for the bell. This match is for the OOWF Campeonas de Trios Championship…and WE’RE UNDERWAY!

And predictably, we’ve got PIER SIX ACTION to start with. Eventually, Gaelic Storm and OBJ get the upper hand and clear the ring to the roar of the crowd, which starts trying to sing “Tessie” again. How cute. Were this any other wrestling federation, we would have gone to commercial…but NOT THE OOWF! Eventually, Damon Wrath is left in the ring and while the champs collect themselves, Ryan Hardcore is designated to go first. The two lock up to a draw, before Damon Wrath slips it into a headlock. Hardcore pushes him off into the ropes, and gets DROPPED with a shoulder block. Then, Wrath just stands there for like 5 seconds. (Why do they do that?) Wrath rejoins the living and runs the ropes. His first pass by Hardcore he just runs over top of him, the next pass by, Hardcore jumps OVER him. The next pass by, Hardcore tries a hip toss. It’s blocked. Wrath tries to reverse into a hip toss of his own. THAT’S blocked. Hardcore wins the battle of the hip tosses, and flips one off, complete with a kick to the back of the head, dazing Wrath. Hardcore tags in AA.

Attitude Adjuster makes his way in and wastes no time…he locks in THE CLAW! AA, with his trademark “therapeutic black glove” has it locked on well, and Wrath looks to be bleeding from the temples. Wrath tries to punch his way out, and manages to get to his feet. Wrath kicks AA in the arm, forcing him to break the hold. Wrath dives across the ring and tags in OBJ. OBJ comes in hot and goes right after AA. AA tries for THE CLAW again, but OBJ reverses it into an arm-wringer and a Short-Arm BOOMERANG, felling the fat guy (well, AA). OBJ runs the ropes and hits a Double Axe-Handle to the sternum, and goes for the cover, which gets a weak two count. OBJ hauls AA up and starts drilling him with European Uppercuts and eventually, HEADBUTTS. OBJ looks to finish AA off with another Headbutt, but AA saves himself with THE CLAW! OBJ, for whatever reason, can’t get away, and is pushed to the enemy corner. AA tags in FFMIII.

FFMIII comes in and BLASTS OBJ in the face over and over as AA retreats to the apron. A couple of face smashes to the turnbuckle later, and FFMIII takes OBJ to the top, looking for a GREETINGS FROM PACIFIC HEIGHTS, but OBJ fights his way out of it, reversing into a DOMINATOR FROM THE TOP ROPE! OBJ is spent however and can’t go for the cover. Creech realizes he should probably start counting. Finally OBJ is up at 4, and dives across the ring, tagging in Seamus McNasty. McNasty flies across the ring and starts destroying FFMIII with his fists and knees. He drags FFMIII up and whips him to the ropes, hitting an IRISH CAR BOMB! Quick cover is good for a long 2. McNasty launches into a ROCKY ROAD TO DUBLIN, and FFMIII is in HUGE trouble. He pulls FFMIII to his feet and shouts “NO NAY NEVER NO MORE!” and sets FFMIII for THE WILD ROVER. Just then, AA runs (well, jogs) into the ring and locks McNasty in THE CLAW. Wrath doesn’t like this much and looks to break it up, but is cut off by Ryan Hardcore, and they slug it out. AA, while holding McNasty in THE CLAW, directs Creech to the melee on the other side of the ring. Once Creech turns his back, AA hits the GRECO ROMAN BOOT TO THE BALLS! McNasty took that direct shot badly and crumples to the mat. AA drags FFMIII’s arm over McNasty and goes over to Creech, directing him to the pin on the other side of the ring while AA helps Hardcore hold Wrath and OBJ off. Creech slides in and makes a relatively quick 3 count just as McNasty gets his shoulder up.
WINNERS by PINFALL in 16:43 and STILL CAMPEONAS DE TRIOS CHAMPIONS…THE WORLD’S GAYEST FAG TEAM and ATTITUDE ADJUSTER!

As soon as the bell rings, Hardcore and AA rouse FFMIII from his state of unconsciousness and take off through the crowd before any of the other three can react. Needless to say they’re not happy.. Meanwhile back in the ring, Gaelic Storm is continuing to have problems as Seamus McNasty and Damon Wrath have gotten in to each others face arguing about whose fault it is that they lost the match.

Outback Jack who just loves a good fight anxiously watches on as the two men from Gaelic Storm begin to shove each other. Finally, Seamus McNasty can’t take it anymore and levels Wrath with a vicious hook dropping him to the mat. Jack tries to move in for a better look when all of a sudden through the crowd Tytan appears and sneaks into the ring with a baseball bat. The crowd starts to yell and Outback Jack can’t tell if they are cheering for the fight or for something else. Damon gets up and throws a haymaker back and the two begin to start swinging wildly at each other, as Seamus lets out some frustration from over the last couple of weeks. Outback Jack thinking he has seen enough turns and is met with a baseball swing to the gut bending Jack over. The crowd begins to boo as Tytan swings down onto Jacks back dropping him to the mat. Tytan swings and hits him again across the back and tosses the bat down to the mat just missing Seamus who has just tossed Damon Wrath over the ropes and down to the floor. Seamus looks and sees Tytan standing over a fallen Jack and heads over and gets in his face. These two have been taking shots at each other since Tytan has entered the OOWF. The crowd sees that Johnathan Steel and Dr. Podvod have made their way down to ringside. They also see that Steel is carrying a briefcase.

Tytan and McNasty are staring each other down in the middle of the ring when all of a sudden the two laugh and shake hands with each other. Mr. Steel slides into the ring hands Seamus McNasty a brief case which he opens and the camera pushes in to see it filled with money. Dr. Podvod walks over to Jack and kicks him in the groin and laughs before joining the others. Seamus smiles and Ultimo Inc leave the ring as Outback Jack begins to stir.

As Ultimo Inc heads up the ramp, Tytan grabs the mic and yells to Jack, “Maybe this will be enough to convince you and that split personality of yours. This week Mayhem…you and me…LAST MAN STANDING match! Simply put Outback Jack I want you dead!” Ultimo Inc then heads to the top of the ramp and celebrates before heading out of the arena.

Nash: …….uh Russ, don’t you usually have the first word after the matches? You gonna say something?
Russ: Nope
Nash: Not even something about Tytan challenging Outback Jack to a Last Man Standing match next week?
Russ: Nope
Nash: Not even Seamus taking out his frustrations on his own partner Damon Wrath, possibly breaking up the former tag team champions?
Russ: Nope
Nash: Can I ask why?
Russ: I am not saying anything until Team Bennett proves to me that they can win a match on their own without some sort of cheating.
Razz: Ok then. You just keep coloring.
Nash: Joining us on commentary is “Last Call” Scott Hall!
Razz: Oh god
<Hall staggers onto the set>
SH: HEYA KEV! How the hell are ya? Didja know we got drafted?
Razz: By the army? Please let it be the army
SH: NO! HELL NO you silly little man. We got drafted by ECW
Nash: VINCE FINALLY CALLED?
SH: <laughing hysterically> naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh not THAT ECW, something called Eric’s Championship Wrestling, I think, yeah that’s right, maybe
Nash: Eric’s Championship Wrestling?
Razz: Now who will be running bingo halls big shot
Nash: I am going to have to talk to Barry about this, I don’t recall agreeing to this kind of draft
Razz: Did I get drafted?
SH: Yeah, you got picked by the MWF
Razz: MWF?
SH: Midget Wrestling Federation, BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH
Razz: Fuck you Hall
Nash: I just got a fax that says you were drafted by DXB
Razz: We have a fax machine?
Nash: We do now
Razz: Moving up in the world. What the hell is DXB?
Nash: Beats the hell out of me
SH: He does?
Nash: Scotty, what do you think of the next match, The Dead faces Firewoman in a Hell in the Cell match
SH: w-w-w-w-w-wait, a dead guy faces a woman on fire in a cage? Who books this stuff?
Razz: No you souse. THE Dead faces Firewoman in a match. He is not dead and she is not on Fire.
SH: Oh, well, then, sure what the hell!
Razz: Who is going to win?
SH: Whoever gets the three count
Razz: I fucking hate you
Nash: Lets go to the ring

THE DEAD vs. FIREWOMAN – OOWF Onslaught Championship Hell In A Cell Match

The cage is assembled and Fire and Lucky make their way to the ring. Lucky still looks a little rough from the fireball two weeks ago. Firewoman looks less than thrilled about not having her title. Fire tells Lucky to stay put and watch his back, then steps into the cage and slides into the ring ready to go. The Dead is announced and he comes out to the top of the ramp and soaks in the boos that have come for all the members of Bennett’s Army tonight. He slowly takes the title off, knowing damn well that Fire is staring right at the title. Dead grins and slings the title over his shoulder and makes his way to the ring. Dead stops in front of Lucky and flinches him, then laughs and steps into the cage. Dead is barely inside the cage when Fire charges across the ring and dives between the ropes and slams Dead in to the cage. Fire is like a wild animal, hammering Dead with rights and lefts to the face. Fire pulls Dead to this feet and sends him face first into the steel cage, then when he rebounds off the cage she catches him with a high knee that sends the back of his head into the cage again. Fire grabs Dead and sends him into the ring and follows him. Fire backs Dead into the corner and climbs the ropes and gives the ten punches of doom, but at five, Dead seems to regain his bearings and he flips Fire off of him, sending her over the top rope, crashing to the apron, then to the floor. Fire hit the apron hard, and is on the floor grabbing her ribs. Dead slides out of the ring and grabs a chair and waits for Fire to get to her feet, then slams the chair across her lower back, sending her staggering and falling to her knees, holding onto the cage with one hand and her back with the other. Dead keeps the chair and swings and connects with a shot to the back of Fire’s head that sends her face first into the steel, opening a gash on her head. Dead grabs her head and repeatedly slams it into the steel until Fire lies, barely moving, on the floor. Dead rolls Fire into the ring and covers, but she kicks out at two. Dead pulls Fire to her feet and whips her hard into the corner where Fire slams into the turnbuckle chest first, staggers backward and gets driven to the mat with a bulldog from Dead. Dead rolls Fire over and covers again and once again only gets a two count. Dead slips out of the ring and rummages around under the ring and comes back with a table. Dead sets it up in the corner and slowly pulls Fire to her feet Dead whips Fire into the corner, but in a sweet display of athletic ability, Fire runs up the table and back flips out of the corner, landing behind Dead. Fire grabs Dead and hits an atomic drop, sending Dead toward the table, but he stops short, and turns back toward Fire, who charges across the ring and SPEARS Dead into the table! The crowd erupts into a HOLY SHIT! chant! Dead may well be dead, and Fire is not a whole lot better for the wear. She pulls herself out of the ring and falls to the floor, reaches under the ring and grabs a ladder and slides it back into the ring between the ropes. Fire gets to her feet and starts to slide the ladder in, but Dead gets his bearings and stomps the end of the ladder, sending Fire’s end rocketing up, catching her in the jaw, and sending her to the floor. Dead pulls the ladder into the ring and sets it up, then leaves the ring and pulls Fire up by her hair but Fire has wrapped a chain around her fist. She gives Dead an uppernut for his trouble, doubling him over in pain. Fire gets to her feet and plants Dead on the floor with a DDT, then pulls a couple of glass tubes from underneath the ring and gives Dead the FIRESTOMP on the glass tubes! Dead’s face is sliced to ribbons. As he lays there bleeding, Fire pulls a table from beneath the ring and sets it up on the outside, then decides that one isn’t enough, so she sets up a second one right on top of that. Fire pulls Dead up, rolls him onto the apron and hefts him onto the second table. Fire climbs the side of the cage then looks at Dead and leaps off the cage with an elbow drop! But Dead rolls off the table and Fire crashes through the first table, but the second table doesn’t break! Fire lies on the table gasping for breath, Dead get to his feet, slips back into the ring and tips the ladder over, folding it up and resting it on the top rope. Dead gets a running start, runs up the latter and hits a flipping senton on Fire that sends her through the table to the floor! Both Fire and Dead are out of it on the floor. Fire could have a punctured lung as she is coughing up blood. The referee gets to seven before Dead gets to his feet, grabs Fire and rolls her into the ring. Fire can barely stand as Dead pulls her to her feet. Dead scoops Fire up and slams her to the mat, then stands the ladder up and puts a chair down on the mat. Dead pulls Fire to her feet and grabs her for a reverse Side Russian Leg Sweep, only he falls forward first, slamming the back of Fire’s head into the ladder, then falls backward driving her face into the chair. Dead rolls Fire over and covers, one, two, thre….NO! Fire rolls her shoulder! How the hell? Dead shows some frustration and lands a few stiff kicks to Fire’s face, then starts climbing the ladder. Fire somehow summons the strength to pull herself to her feet and start climbing the ladder as well. They meet at the top of the ladder and Dead connects with several shots to the face, avoids a wild swing from Fire and then slams Fire’s face onto the top of the ladder. Dead grabs Fire and turns her around and bends her backward across the top of the ladder. Dead steadies himself on the rung of the ladder and leaps in the air trying to drop a leg across Fire’s throat, but Fire moves and Dead hits the side of the ladder, then crashes to the mat, landing awkwardly on the mat. Fire tries to compose her self on the top of the ladder and waits for Dead to get to his feet below. He struggles, but finally stands, Fire leaps off the top of the ladder and gets caught with a CLOSE THE CASKET right to the jaw! Fire’s head snaps back and she slams into the mat out cold. Dead falls across her and the referee hits the mat and makes the one, two, three.
WINNER in 21:12 and STILL OOWF Onslaught Champion – The Dead

Nash: Does THAT sit well enough with you?
Russ: I cannot approve of The Dead’s tactics, or the company he keeps, but I will give him credit, that was a grueling match and he came out on top.
SH: Wait, no one was dead OR on fire…..I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!
Nash: You didn’t pay to get in here Scotty
SH: Can I borrow some money then?
Razz: If I give you ten bucks will you go away?
SH: DEAL!
<Scott Hall staggers away>
Russ: I have a feeling things are not over between Dead and Fire though, there is a lot of bitterness in this feud. One time partners splitting up and feuding over gold….
Nash: Not terribly original is it?
Russ: What?
Nash: Just sayin, that angle has been done to death in wrestling before. I mean look at OOOF <the camera pans back and we see a bloody kayfabe standing there with a chair after cracking Nash on the back of the head. Nash is face down at the announce table. Russ and Razz stare at kayfabe for a moment before Tommy Dreamer charges into the picture and spears kayfabe out of her shoes>
Razz: Huh, how bout that.
Russ: Let’s move on. Our next match features IHOP defending their titles against…..of all teams…..the Cape Town Cannibals. Now Razz, you can not tell me that the Cape Town Cannibals deserve a title shot over ANYONE else in the OOWF
Razz: Well, probably not, but in the OOWF we are not about weight limits, we are about NO limits!
Russ: That doesn’t make sense!
Razz: Uhh, look Russ, I got nothing here. IHOP was smart in offering CTC the title shot over all the teams that want to kill them, that is a smart move, right?
Russ: Smart? Perhaps. Cowardly? Certainly
Razz: Look, you gotta use what you got. IHOP are not physical specimens in that ring, they are not great wrestlers, though Skurge can hold his own, and SYB has improved a lot. They have to use smarts to survive, they are doing a great job so far.
Russ: But if they keep annoying those other teams, eventually they WILL get what is coming to them
Razz: Yeah, but until then, they are the OOWF world tag team champions
Russ: Let’s head to the ring and see what IHOP comes up with next
Razz: You got a marker? I wanna draw on Nash while he is out….

IHOP vs. CAPE TOWN CANNIBALS – OOWF World Tag Team Title Match

The Cape Town Cannibals make their way to the ring accompanied by ZK DeBeers and step between the ropes. They appear to be wondering what the hell they are doing here. IHOP, accompanied by Muerte and The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth come to the ring wearing the tag titles. They step between the ropes and appear to be in deep strategy session. After a quick game of rock, scissor, paper it looks like it will be Skurge starting things off for them. WWE will start things off for the Cape Town Cannibals. They circle and lock up, Skurge slips behind WWE and takes him to the mat, springs to his feet and drops an elbow on the back of his head, then hits a helicopter leg drop. Skurge pulls WWE to his feet and sends him to the ropes and elevates him with a high back body drop, then waits for him to get to his feet and catches him with a drop kick to the mouth that sends him stumbling back to the CTC corner. WWE tags in TNA. TNA comes in and charges at Skurge, but Skurge side steps and shoves him to the ropes and catches him with a power slam on the rebound. Skurge tags in SYB, who steps between the ropes and immediately catches TNA with a falling head but to the groin. As TNA writhes in pain on the mat, SYB gets to his feet and taunts the crowd. TNA gets to one knee and SYB bounds off the ropes and connects with a knee to TNA’s temple that sends him to the mat. SYB immediately pounces on TNA and works the side head lock, laughing at the crowd as they begin to get restless, wanting some action in the ring. TNA fights to his feet, but SYB snaps him back over to the mat and keeps the side head lock on. The fans really start to boo now, and appear ready to rush the ring to get to SYB, he DOES have that kind of effect on people. SYB laughs and reaches out and tags in Skurge. Skurge hops over the top rope and drops a knee into the small of TNA’s back. Skurge scoops TNA up and slams him on the mat, then heads to the corner and climbs to the top rope and waits. As TNA gets up, Skurge attempts a missile drop kick, but TNA falls out of the way and Skurge slams to the mat. TNA crawls to his corner and tags in WWE. WWE steps through the ropes and bellows like a good Samoan would. He grabs Skurge and slams him on the mat, then when SYB runs in, WWE blocks a punch attempt and slams SYB in the face with a head but. SYB falls to the mat, but WWE falls to one knee as well. TNA comes in and they double whip Skurge to the ropes and send him to the mat with a double chop. WWE points to the sky and heads to the top rope. He bellows like a wounded animal on the top rope and leaps for a splash, but Skurge easily moves out of the way and WWE gets nothing but mat. Skurge gets to his feet and tags in SYB, then grabs WWE by the legs and catapults him up, as he does, SYB bounds off the ropes and catches WWE right in the chest with a HEBREW HAMMER! WWE falls to the mat, SYB falls on top of him and the referee counts, one, two, three! SYB jumps to his feet and he and Skurge share a manly embrace in the center of the ring and act as if they had just defeated the greatest tag team in wrestling history. They are joined by The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth and Muerte as they celebrate in the middle of the ring
WINNERS in 6:11 – and STILL OOWF World Tag Team Champions – IHOP

After the match DeBeers gets his men to their feet and gives them a disappointed look, but then turns them around and tells them to shake the champions hands. The Cape Town Cannibals shake hands with IHOP, but The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth, yells something and IHOP shove WWE and TNA away…..right into the hands of The Midnight Sons who stormed the ring. Magnusson LEVELS WWE with a clothesline and Spin catches TNA with a release overhead belly to belly suplex. They storm across the ring and try to get IHOP, but IHOP escape up the ramp with the titles, the Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth and Muerte. To vent their frustration, The Midnight Sons turn back to the Cape Town Cannibals, who DeBeers is trying to pull out of the ring. Magnusson grabs TNA and Spin grabs WWE and they pull them to their feet and DESTROY them with choke slams! They set WWE up for the 100 Proof and nail it perfectly, then TNA gets more of the same. Not content with that, Magnusson locks TNA into the gogolplotta (which would be an automatic DQ if this were a match) and Hansen locks WWE into the Whisky Tango Foxtrot. Both men keep the holds on ramping up the pressure. DeBeers slides into the ring with a chair, but before he can do anything Stank storms the ring and chases him off. Magnusson and Hansen release the holds and stand in the ring glaring at IHOP who are watching the carnage from the top of the ramp.

Russ: And once again IHOP escapes with their titles and their lives
Nash: Huh, owwww my head…..what did I miss?
Razz: IHOP was facing The Cape Town Cannibals and the Hart Foundation made a run in and kicked some ass
Nash: Really?
Razz: No, not really
Nash: Jerk
Russ: IHOP defeated the Cannibals, then beat a hasty retreat and left the Cannibals for the wolves as The Midnight Sons stormed the ring
Nash: hmmmm, yeah that sounds about right for IHOP, way to stick to form guys
Russ: So you condone this?
Nash: Did they defend their titles?
Russ: Yes
Nash: Were they scheduled to get their asses handed to them by the Midnight Sons?
Russ: well……no
Nash: Then they DAMN SURE did the right thing
Russ: But they could have helped the Cape Town Cannibals
Nash: Why would they do that?
Razz: Yean, I have to agree with Nash again on this one, IHOP did the right thing getting the hell out of dodge, the only thing that could have happened had they stayed was them getting their asses kicked. Live to fight another day
Russ: The cowardice is just reprehensible, I will say that. One man who most certainly is NOT a coward is Alexander Darling, and he gets his shot at the OOWF intercontinental title TONIGHT!
Razz: This again?
Russ: Tell me this, has Darling been an upstanding citizen since joining Rick’s side?
Nash: He just helped Davin beat DeBeers nearly to death!
Russ: DeBeers had that coming
Razz: What?
Russ: Look, this is WAR, remember? There are bound to be some casualties
Nash: So……when Rick’s men attack, it is justified, when Bennett’s men attack….
Razz: It is cowardly. Russ I know you are upset about being separated from Jerry but…..
RUSS: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT JERRY!
Nash: How DO you guys get around Vince? He actually lets you guys call the OOWF?
Razz: Simple, we just tell Vince that he owns the OOWF, he’s so batshit insane anymore he really has no idea
Nash: Isn’t he reading this now?
Razz: I doubt it, but if he is, Vince, love the product! You are doing a good job my man!
Russ: What about you Nash, how do you get around TNA?
Nash: I don’t. What they don’t know won’t hurt them
Russ: Aren’t they reading this?
Nash: Look, me and Dixie, you know, we are tight
Razz: She’s not
Nash: What?
Russ: Let’s head to the ring!

DONOVAN VIPER vs. ALEXANDER DARLING – OOWF Intercontinental Title Match

As the music starts a white strobe light begins to bounce through the arena and the first thing we hear is ”There Can Be Only One.” That leads directly into ”Prelude 12/21.” The drum beat of Prelude hits and Alexander Darling takes a step onto the ramp, where he’s joined by Phantos, Lucios and Carl From Fresno. He doesn’t move until it finishes and a blue spotlight focuses on him and ”Princes of the Universe.” Begins. The 4 make their way down the ramp, and Darling is getting almost exclusively cheers; clearly surprising him. He gets into the ring while his three stablemates bail to the outside. “Angry Chair” fires up and Donovan Viper is greeted with boos and “You’re a Ho-Mo” chants. Viper marches down to the ring with The World’s Gayest Fag Team and AA. Viper climbs into the ring and hands his belt to referee Davis Hightower, who raises it into the air before handing it to the timekeeper. This match will be for the OOWF Intercontinental Championship. Viper and Darling have already start the trash talk, so Hightower simply calls for the bell. WE’RE UNDERWAY!

The trash talk intensifies and finally Viper winds up with a big right hand. It’s blocked by Darling, and HE fires a right hand directly to Viper’s grill. This eventually degenerates into trading haymakers. Finally Darling gets a couple shots in a row to land, and Viper is staggered. Edge-o-cution on Viper, and Darling heads for the ropes. Leg drop on Viper and Darling tries the quick cover, getting a long one count. Darling pulls Viper up and looks for a short-arm clothesline. Viper ducks and hits a Lung blower, giving him time to recover. Viper is up first and gets over to Darling near the corner. He opts for the Greco-Roman Face Smashes on the Turnbuckle (thank God Darling has that mask). Darling keels over backward and Viper ascends the turnbuckle looking to end this one quickly. He looks for the DEATH ELBOW…but NOBODY’S HOME! Reacting quickly, Darling locks on the DARLING MONEY CLIP!

AA notices Viper is in trouble and distracts Hightower by hopping on the apron, allowing FFMIII and Hardcore to break up the hold. They start to beat on Darling a bit, and that brings in Phantos, Lucios and Carl. Viper joins in the fray and everyone eventually powders out, with AA joining in. Hightower is back to the action and sees Viper standing over a woozy Darling. He pulls him to his feet. BIG DDT! Cover by Viper is a long 2 count. Viper slaps the mat and goes back to work, hitting some Orton Stomps, followed by a big fist drop. Eric O’Mac appears at the top of the ramp and makes his way down the ramp. Viper picks Darling up and whips him into the ropes. Darling ducks a clothesline, but Viper catches him on the way back and hits a Lesnar-esque Belly-to-Belly Suplex. Eric O’Mac joins in the melee on the side and gives Bennett’s Boys the upper hand. Viper whips Darling into the ropes again and hits a sweet LEG LARIAT. AA hops up on the apron again. Eric O’Mac hands Viper his chain as Hightower is distracted. Viper heads up the turnbuckle and wraps the chain around his elbow.

Suddenly Davin Moreland FLIES down the ramp and slides into the ring. Just as Viper takes off for a CHAIN-ASSISTED DEATH ELBOW, Davin, just in time, GOOZLES Viper, catching him on the way down. Viper’s eyes are wide, clearly not expecting this. O’Mac tries to interfere, but Phantos manages to keep him from getting into the ring. HUGE CHOKESLAM from Davin on Viper, and Moreland powders out to the floor. He heads over to AA and yanks him off the apron. Hightower turns around to see Darling getting to his feet. He pulls up Viper to his feet…DARLING DRIVER! Run DLP managers to keep Bennett’s Crew out of the ring! Hightower slides in for the cover: 1, 2, 3! NEW CHAMP!
WINNER in 13:28 and NEW OOWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION…ALEXANDER DARLING!

After the match, Alexander Darling grabs his title and slides out of the ring and heads to the top or the ramp, where he is mobbed by Team Rick and especially his sister Alexis. Donovan Viper remains in the ring, slowly getting to his feet, realizing what has just happened to him. As he gets to his feet and stares at the top of the ramp where the celebration is taking place, a man in a dark hoodie jumps the railing and slides into the ring, spins Viper around and catches him with a combination of kicks to the body, then grabs his head drives a knee to the head, slams him with anr elbow down to the back of the head which leaves Viper on his knees, dazed. The hooded man steps back and finishes with Viper Buzzsaw Kick to the head! Viper slumps to the mat, but the man is not done yet! He pulls him to his feet and hits him with a SIDEWINDER! The man gets to his feet and pulls the hood back…….it’s VIET CONG VIPER! He smirks to the crowd, then notices OOWF Security charging the ring. VC Viper hops out of the ring, jumps the rail and escapes through the crowd.

Russ: OF ALL THE BRAVE PERFORMANCES IN WRESTLING HISTORY THIS HAS TO RANK AMONG THE VERY BEST! ALEXANDER DARLING IS YOUR NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION, BREAKING BENNETT’S STRANGLE HOLD ON THE TITLES IN THE OOWF!
Nash: Wow where to start with that one?
Razz: Well, first of all, it wasn’t really THAT gutsy or brave
Nash: And is it really a strangle hold if it lasted four days?
Razz: and didn’t Sane win the DDT Title from Moose earlier tonight?
Nash: And isn’t Alexander Darling still basically a conniving fuckbag?
Russ: GREATEST. PERFORMANCE. EVER!
Razz: Uh huh
Nash: Greater than when HHH finished the match with a torn muscle?
Razz: Greater than when Sabu damn near eviscerated himself on barbed wire?
Nash: Greater than when Batista nearly knocked himself out cold in a Battle Royal?
Razz: Greater than when Terry Funk was helplessly trapped in barbed wire?
Nash: I mean really, was Darling even in any kind of grave danger?
Razz: And the match was only, what, about 15 minutes? So its not like he went an hour like Flair has
Russ: I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS!! GREATEST EVER!! THERE IS NO MORE DEBATE!!
Nash: Damn Russ, you need to get laid
Razz: He should call Lexie, I heard she puts out
Nash: Oh man, DOES she, wildest night ever! You should see what she can do with a cantaloupe, a candle, and some dish soap. She takes the soap and….
Russ: ENOUGH! We have a main event to talk about!
Nash: Oh NOW you want to talk about wrestling! Fine. Shouldn’t we talk about Donovan Viper being attacked by VC Viper?
Russ: He probably had it coming, knowing the way Viper likes to boast
Razz: I thought they were the same person?
Nash: Well, clearly they are not the same person
Razz: Clearly. I guess Viper was telling the truth. Interesting
Nash: Well, Russ is giving us the evil eye, I guess we should talk about the Maine Event.
Razz: LD Williams and Chris Cole, what is there to say? Two of the best the OOWF has ever seen. Cole was the longest reigning champion until Stank came along, and Williams is the man who ended Stank’s run. They are both members of Bennett’s Army, which means you won’t be happy no matter who wins
Razz: On the contrary, I have a great deal of respect for LD Williams
Nash: Moose?
Russ: What?
Nash: Never mind.
Razz: This is gonna be a great match. The last time they faced off in Japan, it went to a sixty minute draw. Both men know each other very well and have similar styles. This should be a fight
Nash: I give the edge to the champion, he has the edge you need right now to be the champ, each match as the champ could be your last, and Williams knows that. He will not take Cole lightly.
Russ: I agree, but I think Cole knows what it takes to get the title, and that makes him exceptionally dangerous. This should be a great match, and I suspect the first person to make a mistake, is the one who will lose.
Nash: Only one way to find out
Russ: Let’s head to the ring.

LD WILLIAMS vs. CHRIS COLE – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match

“Master of Puppets” fires up through the PA to a LOUD chorus of boos, and Chris Cole feels pretty much the same; flipping off the crowd as he makes his way into the ring. “Jekyll and Hyde” by Petra starts and the World Champion LD Williams heads down the ramp with a legitimate mix of cheers and boos. I guess they just don’t like Cole very much. LD rolls into the ring without fanfare and quietly hands his belt to Senior Referee Mel Creech. He holds it high in the air. This match will be for the OOWF World Heavyweight Championship. Creech hands the belt to the timekeeper and calls for the bell…WE’RE UNDERWAY!

LD holds his fist out to Cole. Cole kinda looks at him funny, then shrugs and completes the fistbump. The two lock up and Cole gains the advantage, shoving LD into the ropes and catching him with a Back Elbow off the rebound. LD holds his jaw and stumbles back a step, allowing Cole to charge and hit a RUNNING CLOTHESLINE, felling the Champ. Cole wastes no time, and tries to lock in an Elevated Texas Cloverleaf, but LD’s all over the ropes, and eventually Creech calls for the break. Cole backs off momentarily, and then charges…right into a Short Spear from LD. Cole bounces back a bit, then starts eating BIG KNIFE EDGE CHOPS from LD, all the way into the turnbuckle. SPLASH from LD. He runs to the far turnbuckle and back…BIG SPLASH from LD. Two, no three Shoulderblocks, and then a Snap-Mare Take over for LD. He hops the 2nd rope and hits a DOUBLE AXE-HANDLE! Kick to the back of the head! Cover: 1, 2, no.

LD kind of looks at Creech, and goes back to work on Cole. He pulls Cole up and sets him up for a DDT, but just as LD lifts up to hit it…COLE REVERSES INTO A SPINEBUSTER! Cole poses to the boos of the crowd. He pulls LD up, and stands in behind him, locking his hands…ONE GERMAN…TWO GERMANS…THREE GERMANS and a release on the last. LD is in a bad way. Cole is a bit slow to make it across the ring, and when he finally covers can only get a cheap 2 count. Cole takes no chances, and looks for the Elevated Texas Cloverleaf again, but is kicked away. Cole, undeterred, goes back to a still recovering LD, and pulls him up LOOKING FOR THE HEADLINER! Somehow, LD is able to kick his legs free! Cole ends up on his stomach! His face hit hard. LD tries to take advantage, and tries for an STF, but HE’S kicked off into the ropes. Cole gets to a standing position and things look to be pretty even.

The two lock up, with Cole winning again, working a Headlock, before just viciously punching LD in the face from the Headlock. LD covers his face in pain. Cole moves behind again and locks in for a GERMAN SUPLEX, but at the apex of it, LD flips out of it, spins a shocked Cole around, and hits a VICIOUS DDT! LD is taking no chances and drags Cole to the middle of the ring. Stepover. Toehold. Facelock. LD has it locked in as only he can, and an already woozy Cole now has to deal with this. He keeps fighting to get to the ropes, but he’s got nowhere to go. He tries to bridge out of it, to no avail. He tries to pull LD’s hands apart, but they are locked and going nowhere. He tries to move his legs, but LD’s got that part covered too. Cole hands on for a full 3 or 4 minutes trying everything the veteran can think of to escape the hold; but has an equally veteran wrestler executing the hold. Finally, the pain is too great, and Cole decides to fight again another day, his shot at another World Title having disappeared.
WINNER in 23:46 by SUBMISSION and STILL OOWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…LD WILLIAMS

Russ: What a win for LD Williams
Nash: That’s the kind of win that can make a mans career right there, the defeated the former champion, and one of the longest reigning champions of all time, you HAVE to be impressed with that
Razz: I think tonight LD Williams took a step toward cementing his legacy in the OOWF
Russ: With all due respect, in my eyes, LD Williams is an OOWF Hall of Famer, no question about it. Ladies and Gentlemen, that is all the time we have tonight. For Nash and Razz, I am Russ. Have a great evening and be sure to tune in Wednesday for more OOWF Action, live from Hat Dokeo, Laos!

Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF As Yet Unnamed July PPV, Live July 27th from Camp Anaconda. Iraq! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem Live! July 2, from Hat Dokeo, Laos!

For all your OOWF shopping needs, check out www.cafepress.com/oowfshirts

Join us for OOWF Chat on Wednesday nights!

***Big Thanks to Tommy, who helped write half this ppv. You had me at "hell yeah I'll write matches" big guy.***

[ZK is in the lockerroom with his people, in the moments before his match...]

ZK: I want you guys to see something.

[He takes the camera person over to the bathroom and points the camera into the toilet to see a piece of shit. Immediately the crowd gets sickened]

ZK: You see that, that would be a piece of shit. It is meaningless waste that comes out of your body when your done with the good stuff. The only use of it, is to flush it down the toilet, to never see it again. That is how I see you Stink. I'm pretty sure that's how the rest of your group feels about you. Are you sure that they came to save you because of who you are, or because of the shirt on your back? Well, there's one thing for sure, you weren't important enough for the Birdman and the Bostonian moron to be men and attack me one on one, let alone even allowing me to know their presence beforehand. But I'll have to deal with those cowards down the road. There's one thing of importance to me this week. And that's you Stink. You see, I figured I'd give you one back after you came out unannounced and cheaply ruined my moment in the sun. But, no, you still needed to come back and attack me again, cheaply - as seems to be the calling card with YOU people, in the parking lot at my hotel, in my weakened state...well...at least we now know that not only are you from an inferior people...but you're also a Grade A PUSSY. And tonight at the Brawl of Saigon, I'm going to show you, and the rest of your no class cowards that there's only one thing that happens when you mess with Z.K. DeBeers. I Will Own You! Lets start heading to the ring.

[They all leave the lockerroom together and head for the ring.]

OOC: At least I won *something*....

*OOC*

Dev complaining about no-selling....

Classic.

OOWF Rankings for 06/18/08[/u]
OOWF World Heavyweight Champion – LD Williams (+9, 22-13)
1. Donovan Viper – OOWF Intercontinental Champion (+8, 24-16)
2. Firewoman – OOWF Onslaught Champion (+10, 25-15)
3. F. Fonzworth MacCappington (+12, 27-15)
4. Davin Moreland (+11, 25-14)
5. Moosehead Jack (+8, 20-12)
6. Chris Cole (+7, 16-9)
7. Attitude Adjuster (+7, 13-6)
8. Seamus McNasty (+6, 21-15)
9. Skurge (+6, 15-9)
10. The Dead (+5, 19-14)
11. Stank (+5, 18-13)
12. Phantos (+4, 24-20)
13. Eric O’Mac (+4, 15-11)
14. Damon Wrath (+4, 15-11)
15. DH Magnusson (+3, 24-21)
16. Lucios (+2, 23-21)
17. Poe (+2, 4-2)
18. ZK DeBeers (+2, 2-0)
19. Spin Hansen (E, 23-23)
20. Alexander Darling (E, 13-13)
21. Tytan (E, 3-3)
22. Tyson Kincaid (-1, 5-6)
23. Amnesiac (-1, 4-5)
24. Carl From Fresno (-1, 4-5)
25. Concrete TG (-3, 10-13)
26. Mark Vander (-3, 4-7)
27. Outback Jack (-4, 16-20)
28. Justin Sane (-4, 0-4)
29. Bunny (-6, 15-21)
30. Knife (-7, 10-17)
31. SYB (-10, 16-26)
32. Wu Wu Ehunga (-12, 15-27)
33. Blitz (-12, 12-24)
34. Ryan Hardcore (-13, 12-25)
35. The Nerve Agent (-13, 8-21)

OOWF World Tag Team Title Rankings[/u]
OOWF World Tag Team Champions – IHOP (+4, 12-
1. Gaelic Storm (+4, 12-
2. The Midnight Sons (+3, 17-14)
3. Worlds Greatest Fag Team (+3, 3-0)
4. Phantos & Lucios (-1, 15-16)
5. Cape Town Cannibals (-6, 0-6)

DONOVAN VIPER vs. ALEXANDER DARLING – OOWF Intercontinental Title Match

The Thai crowd sits back and waits for this next one to start, unsure of whom to cheer for. First to the ramp is Alexander Darling. A white strobe light begins to bounce through the arena and the first thing we hear is ”There Can Be Only One.” That leads directly into ”Prelude 12/21.” The drum beat of Prelude hits and Darling takes a step onto the ramp. He doesn’t move until it finishes and a blue spotlight focuses on him and ”Princes of the Universe.” blasts through the arena. Darling comes down to the ring alone, ignoring the crowd. There’s a strong mix of boos and cheers, but the cheers are kind of new. He makes his way into the ring, barely acknowledging Angelo Barros’ existence. He simply takes his place on the far end of the ring and stares up the ramp. “Angry Chair” fires up, and the crowd starts the familiar “HO-MO HO-MO” chant in time with the guitar. Viper simply takes his belt off and holds it over his head, the crowd booing their collective heads off. Viper gets into the ring and taunts the living bejeezus out of Darling. Darling stands there stoically smirking, definitely not impressed. Barros takes the belt from Viper, and holds it into the air. This match is for the OOWF Intercontinental Championship. He hands it to the timekeeper, and calls for the bell…WE’RE UNDERWAY!

Straight-up lockup to start, neither man getting an advantage until Darling slips in a side headlock. Viper pushes him off into the ropes. Darling ducks a clothesline, hits the far ropes and NAILS Viper with a Spin Kick. Darling criss-crosses, hits the other ropes and hits a 360 SPLASH! Darling rolls Viper over for the cover and gets 1. Darling hops up and tries to hook up Viper for the Darling Money Clip, but Viper kicks him off and into the ropes. Darling manages to duck a clothesline, and hooks up Viper for a German Suplex, but Viper blocks and hits a BIG Back Elbow, potentially breaking Darling’s nose as it was right on the money. Oh yeah, it’s bleeding, and, oh yeah, broken. Viper laughs and goes up to the top turnbuckle. He leaps off looking for the Death Elbow, but NOBODY’S HOME! Darling’s up quickly, and hooks up Viper, hitting DA BRAINBUSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Cover’s good for a weak 2 count. Darling flips Viper over, grabs his arms and legs and hits a MOTHAFUCKIN CURBSTOMP! Cover for another 2. Darling pulls Viper to his feet and whips him into the ropes. He catches him and hits a Textbook BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX. Darling looks to lock in the Darling Money Clip again, but is distracted.

Because F. Fonzworth MacCappington’s music starts blasting as the World’s Gayest Fag Team (they should really fix that) makes their way down the ramp, carrying a very familiar-looking chain. They broadly gesture to Barros that they wouldn’t DREAM of interfering, and Barros thinks that’s good enough, so he goes back to business. Darling is a little less trusting and goes over to the rope to stare them down. Stupid face Darling. Predictably, Viper clubbers Darling in the back of the head as he’s distracted, and somewhere Michael Cole says “This could be the opening Viper needs”. Viper is not joking and is kicking the living crap out of Darling. Finally Viper pulls Darling to his feet just to plant him with a big DDT. Viper goes to the top again looking for the Death Elbow, and again, NOBODY is home. Viper’s elbow REALLY appears to be hurt and he’s holding it appearing to REALLY be in pain. Darling is slow to get to his feet and FFM and Hardcore go over to commiserate with Viper, who’s out on the floor now. Darling’s wise to this game and immediately protests to Barros, who starts a count on the triumvirate.


At this, Viper rolls back in with his hands behind his back. Darling starts to protest but now FFM is on the apron now and getting Barros’ opinion on his shoes. Viper takes the hidden object, the chain, and slams it on the mat, tossing the chain to Darling who instinctively catches it. Viper hits the mat like he was shot. Barros heard it and turns around. Despite the protests of Darling and the cries from the crowd; Barros sees Darling holding the chain and Viper laid out on the mat. What else can he do but call for the bell?
WINNER in 11:53 BY (Dusty) DQ, and STILL OOWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION…DONOVAN VIPER!

Post-Match, it looks like LOADED wants to take advantage of the numbers game, but before they can attack, Carl From Fresno, THE Amnesiac, Concrete TG and Bunny all appear at the top of the ramp and make their way down to the ring. LOADED thinks discretions is the better part of valor and powders out. Darling looks around as the crowd starts to cheer. Crete and Bunny raise Darling’s arms, and the crowd cheers louder, much to Darling’s surprise.

LD WILLIAMS vs. KNIFE – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match

It’s now time in our show for the OOWF World Title to be defended as the World Heavyweight Champion; LD Williams is set to face the mysterious and fanatical man known as Knife. The unmistakable Canadian voice of Bryan Adams is heard over the sound system and Knife enters the arena to “Cuts Like A Knife.” The currently neutral Knife walks down the ramp to a majority of cheers, but not the overwhelming ovation that a fan-favorite would expect to hear and that’s because the fans here in Thailand have a great deal of respect and adoration for the OOWF Champ. And here he comes to Petra’s “Jekyll and Hyde.” He refuses to slap hands with any of the fans on his way to the ring as he looks 100% focused on Knife. This would seem like a mismatch on paper, but the fact is that Knife has gotten the better of Williams twice before here in the OOWF. LD Williams has to hope that the third time is the charm or else his precious World Title could wind up in another’s hand before the end of the night.

Both men are inside the ring and John Buffer once again does the introductions before our referee tonight, Mel Creech, goes over the rules and then calls for the bell. Williams and Knife circle each other for a few moments before locking up in the center of the ring. There is no distinct size or power advantage here so the two men trade the leverage here until they’re pushed back into ropes and Creech has to call for a break and in possibly a small surprise it’s Knife who doesn’t go for the clean break as he attempts a knee to LDW, but due to his past LD is well aware of sneak moves and blocks the shot from Knife and hits a nice reverse elbow that drives Knife over the top rope all the way to the floor. LD doesn’t waste any time as he bounces off the opposite ropes and flies through the middle rope with a SUICIDE DIVE that connects sending Knife crashing into the guardrail.

Knife looks like he hit the guardrail face first there and yes, now it’s obvious that he has as Knife’s got a deep cut over his eye and it starts dripping blood. LDW stands to the cheers of the crowd, well some of the crowd, and he tosses Knife back into the ring. LDW comes in as well with a slingshot leg drop to Knife. He goes for the pin…Creech gets down and counts;

1…
2…
No, it’s a kick out by Knife.

Williams doesn’t allow Knife any chance to recover though as he stays right on him and continues the onslaught. A few more impressive slams and strikes and Williams goes for another cover, but again Knife kicks out. LD picks him up and sends him towards the ropes, Knife bounces off and LD goes for the leapfrog but Knife puts on the breaks and catches LD coming down with an inverted atomic drop. LD is in pain as Knife grabs one of LDW’s hands and pulls him into a powerful short-arm clothesline. Williams crashes to the mat, but Knife doesn’t let go of the hand as he pulls LD back to his feet and hits another short-arm and then he does it a third time and LDW does a full rotation in the air due to the force behind those strikes from Knife.

Knife thinks he may have Williams and he attempts a cover; one…two…and no. LD is able to get a shoulder up. Knife tries to stay on the attack, but he loses control after sending LD crashing into the corner turnbuckles and gets caught rushing in by a Williams boot to the face. That staggers Knife and LD charges him at full speed and almost takes him out of his shoes with a spear. Knife goes flying back into the corner and his neck snaps back. Damn, that move looks nasty and it looks like Knife could have a serious case of whiplash. LDW stalks Knife in the corner as Knife tries to avoid LDW as he comes walking in. Knife tries to strike out, but it’s obvious that he’s not 100% now and he’s a bit dizzy and off with his punches.

LDW has the experience and takes full advantage as he starts bobbing and weaving and picking Knife off with move after move and Knife is getting weaker by the minute. Dynamite Kid-esque snap suplex from LD Williams and LD flips over after the landing and in an awesome feat of strength picks Knife right back up and drops him right down on his head with a picturesque BRAINBUSTER. Williams crawls over and gets on top of Knife for the pin…

1…
2…
And no…Knife barely gets his leg on the ropes.

LD looks pissed and he picks up Knife and looks to be setting him up for the DDT, but Knife is fighting it off and blocks another attempt by Williams. Knife, somehow, spins around and connects with a beautiful straight right…its THE HAND OF GOD. That’s the set-up and yes Knife if attempting the DIVINE INTERVENTION. He goes to pick up Williams who is still dazed from the right hand. But Knife is still not at 100% and can’t hold LD Williams up and both men crash to the mat. They get up at the same time and LD gets the upper hand again and looks to go for the DDT again, but Knife gets out of it and attempts The HAND OF GOD again, but LD doesn’t let it hit again. He sends Knife into the ropes and hits him with a kick right to the stomach and then WHAM, BAM, DDT. Knife is down. LD Williams shakes his head and rolls Knife over and hooks in a REAL STF. FUCK YOU CENA!!!

Williams has his finisher locked in and Knife is in the center of the ring. There’s nothing he can do here as LD has it cinched in like a real STF and is really yanking back on it and this can’t be good for Knife’s already damaged neck. Knife tries holding on…he’s reaching for the ropes; he’s trying to power up onto his knees, but he just doesn’t have it in him and after a few minutes he just can’t fight it anymore…he taps.

And that’s it…the bell rings as LD Williams has retained here.
WINNER in 14:21 and Still the OOWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION - LD WILLIAMS!

Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Brawl of Saigon PPV, Live June 29th from Saigon, Vietnam! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem Live! June 25th from Phnom Penh, Cambodia!

For all your OOWF shopping needs, check out www.cafepress.com/oowfshirts

Join us for OOWF Chat on Wednesday nights!

*Outback Jack, swilling beer, and LD Williams approach each other in the Hallway of Random Encounters, nodding warily*

LD: Don't tell me you're looking for a title shot!

OBJ: Nope. Not right now, anyways. I had my chance, and I can wait a while, although I'll come at you again soon enough.

LD: That's cool.

OBJ: Actually, I'm glad to have a chance to cheer you on, for once.

LD:...?

OBJ: Wally was so pissed off about what Knife did, he wanted to take care of business himself. So did Viper's dad, from what I hear. Fortunately, they both are so busy with the Thai royal family they didn't get to do the deed, so you've got a clear shot at him yourself. Don't just pin the bastard! Rip off his head and shit down his neck!

LD: I thought you were supposed to be a face.

OBJ: I'm a post-modern face, who can act and speak like a heel.

*Kayfabe enters, frowning, but gets speared by Moose and disapears off camera*

LD: Damn!

Ron Simmons:...?

LD: Like you were the only person to ever say that!

OBJ: For what it's worth, I have an idea about how you could get over.

LD: Oh?

OBJ (swills beer, belches): Australian for don't go along with Bennett's Army hiring a loser who attacks kids. Just a thought, mate.

LD:...?

OBJ: Check out OOWF TV, mate.

I updated lucky's entry with a heromachine picture

LD WILLIAMS, ERIC O’MAC & MOOSEHEAD JACK vs. OUTBACK JACK, STANK & DAVIN MORELAND

It’s main event time at the OCM Sports Arena here in Kuala Lumpur, and the crowd, after an already brutal and bloody night, can’t wait for this one. They’re already on their feet as “Thunderstruck” (using the ‘best song principle’) pumps through the PA system. With the crowd roaring, they get the full Michael Buffer entrance.

Introducing First: Coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia, USA, Australia, and Cummaquid, Massachusetts, USA – weighing in at a combined weight of 900 lbs…The team of Stank, Outback Jack, and Campeonas de Trios Champion …Davin Moreland!

The crowd explodes big time and the big men make their way down to the ring, with varying interest in the crowd around them. Sterling Glaw awaits them there, warning them to “don’t do anything stupid”. They all just kind of grin back, and their music fades out.

The lights fade to black and the crowd starts to boo knowing who’s appearing next. However, appears on the Jumbotron, and the accompanying song blast through the PA. The ring announcer tries to spit out the entrances, but just doubles over in laughter along with the rest of the crowd. Eric O’Mac, LD Williams and Moosehead Jack look exceedingly pissed off, but Moose has the mass murderer look in his eyes. He climbs into the ring and immediately demands to know “who did it”. Stank and OBJ do the universal shrug for “I don’t know”. Davin throws himself under the bus however and steps up to Moose saying “I did it.” Moose looks up and smiles, saying “Good one”, and walks back to his corner. Sterling Glaw looks, for lack of a better word “scared” and calls for the bell before anything’s organized. WE’RE UNDERWAY!

Both teams are in deep discussions, before sending out Eric and OBJ for the first round. They lock up, with OBJ eventually tossing him across the ring, punctuating it with a large belch. Eric, undeterred and to his credit, gets right back up, and as they go to lock up again, Eric hits a Low Dropkick which takes OBJ off his feet. Eric is immediately on him, smashing OBJ’s face into the mat before locking in a quick STF. OBJ is in rough shape, and seeing this, Davin Moreland flies in to break up the submission hold. Glaw goes batshit at this clear violation of the rules (probably), and Eric starts screaming, demanding an immediate suspension. Davin gives him the “You Can’t See Me” handwave with a big grin, and Eric, having missed a true opportunity with the referee distracted, pays for it as OBJ Lunges and HITS Eric with a BIG BOOMERANG sending him flying. OBJ lunges for the tag out, and Stank is on the other end. Stank charges out just as Eric gets a chance to roll away and tag in Moosehead Jack. Jack meanders through the ropes and slumps in the corner, grinning. Stank grins too a bit and visibly says “Let’s Dance, Mooseboy”.

Moose gets out of the corner and into a lockup with Stank. Stank moves Jack around at ease, but just when it looks like Stank is about to throw Jack across the ring, Moose hits him with a Drop Toe Hold, and smashes Stank’s face into the turnbuckle. Moose jumps on him, landing 12 or 13 HARD Right Handed Rabbit Punches before grabbing the back of Stank’s head and smashing it into the turnbuckle. Nothing pretty here. He spins Stank around and hits a series of chops before setting up for a Heartpunch. It connects, but OBJ and Davin flood the ring and pull Moose away from Stank. Eric and LD no likey, and they jump in…we have PIER 5 ACTION, and once Stank recovers…PIER SIX ACTION! Glaw looks like he wants to throw the match out, but eventually cooler heads prevail (kinda) and Stank and Moose both tag out. LD and Davin hit the ring, and staredown. The crowd gets to their feet, realizing this is the first time these two have faced off since Davin became #1 contender. Eventually, Davin makes the “I Want The Belt” signal, and a smirking LD gives Davin the “just bring it” signal.

They lockup in the middle of the ring, and Davin gets the Side Headlock. LD shoves him off and into the ropes. LD ducks, looking for the Back Body Drop, but instead, Davin leapfrogs him, and a Sunset Flip is good for a 2-count. Davin picks up LD and tosses HIM into the ropes. Davin takes a couple steps in, and catches LD off the ropes, and hits a beautiful Greco-Roman Takeover, into a Thesz Press like position, and starts rocketing right hands to LD’s head until there’s a cut over his eye. Something tells me this won’t be the last blood we see. Davin is done with punching, and shakes his hand out. He looks to lock in a Sharpshooter, but LD kicks him off and quickly gets up and hits a BIG DDT. LD covers, and gets 2 before Stank breaks it up. Moose has no time for these shenanigans, and goes across the ring to reason with Stank. OBJ sees MHJ coming across and decides to intervene, and Eric O’Mac, because he’s the only one who isn’t doing anything, and we are PIER SIX AGAIN!

Glaw desperately tries to break things up, but it’s just not happening, and now Stank, MHJ, LD and Davin have all left the ring in search of toys. Moose grabs a chair and nails a LOW BLOW on Stank, and winds up with the chair, and eats the RING BELL over his dome from Davin. LD found a kendo stick, and start to beat some sense into Davin. THIS draws blood. Stank finds a table and a ladder and sets them up in the corner. In the ring, Eric’s got OBJ locked in the Crippler Crossface screaming “TAAAAAAAP”, but Glaw is trying to break them up, because neither are legal. Stank starts the housecleaning on the Viequian Announce Table. Moose catches him with the RING BELL from the side, and Stank joins the bleeding parade. Davin managed to catch the Kendo Stick, and is wrestling with it with LD. Davin tries everything to get it away, and eventually turns AWAY from LD trying to pull it from him, but it’s no use. PELE KICK OUT OF NOWHERE on LD sends the Champ into the steel steps. Now, LD is bleeding.

Moose and Stank jump into the ring from opposite sides with chairs, and Stank whales on Eric, while Moose whales on Stank. OBJ manages to get to his knees and tries to wrestle the chair away from Moose. Glaw, who looks to be in tears, has seen enough and calls for the bell.
WINNERS in 18:42, - NO CONTEST!

Bloody Davin and Bloody LD are throwing haymakers out on the floor, and somehow tables and chairs have been set up outside the ring. LD starts to get the better of the exchange, and is able to pull Davin onto the announce table…DDT THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Davin certainly took the worst of that one, but LD didn’t fare too well either. Eric and OBJ have gone to the outside and Eric has the upper hand. OBJ has hit the STEEL POST with his head a couple times, and Eric goes to the top of the ladder…MAC ATTACK ON OBJ THROUGH THE TABLE OFF THE LADDER!! Moose and Stank battle to the top of the turnbuckle. Moose whales away with right hands and CLEARLY has the advantage…HEARTPUNCH, and STANK GOES THROUGH A TABLE FROM THE TOP TURNBUCKLE! Davin and LD have somehow, someway, started fighting again, and Davin gets LD to the top of the ladder. He’s setting up for a Diamond Cutter! Moose, from inside the ring sees the situation, and climbs up the other side. Davin never sees him coming and Moose is able to toss Davin OFF THE LADDER AND THROUGH THE TABLE as LD remains unscathed.

Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Brawl of Saigon PPV, Live June 29th from Saigon, Vietnam! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem Live! June 18th from Phuket, Thailand!

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