Your General Manager, Mr. Bo Dallas, comes out to the ring.
Bo Dallas: Golly gee, I want to tell you all how happy I am to be here . . . but boy, have I heard a lot of negative nancies today!
You know, all day, people have been telling me, Mr. Bo Dallas, sir, your roster is just terrible! Why, you have all these guys--like Kevin Nash, The Ultimate Warrior, and Sid Vicious--and Mr. Bo Dallas, sir, they can't wrestle a lick! And of the people you have who can wrestle--like Chris Benoit, Shelton Benjamin and Lance Storm--why, they're so boring they make baseball seem interesting!
And sure, maybe those people are right! Maybe we don't have a whole lot of people on this roster who are the total package like Stone Cold . . . or Daniel Bryan . . . or me! But as the Bible tells us, when God gives you lemons, you go make lemonade.
And sure, maybe we don't have the talent of the other teams. But you know what we do have? We've got heart. We've got spunk. And we're going to put on the best little stinker of a show we can!
So I'm making an announcement. For our first show, we're taking our little lemons who can't talk their way out of a paper bag, and we're going to give them a main event world championship match! That's right, it's going to be Chris Benoit vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Lance Storm for the WorldChampionship!
I've been hearing a lot recently about DIY, Do It Yourself. But to do it, you have to imagine it. And to imagine, you first have to . . . Bo-Lieve!
So welcome to BIY Wrestling: Bo-Lieve In Yourself!
Maybe we don't have a whole lot of people on this roster who are the total package like Stone Cold . . . or Daniel Bryan . . .
I liked reading this because both of those guys are on my roster!
Also, I looked through the full list of talent Shark posted and decided Bo Dallas might be the clunker of the entire group, so I was pleasantly surprised to see that you drew him and put him in a position he might actually have potential in.
. . . just then, Samoa Joe comes out, grabs the microphone from Bo Dallas, and gets in his face.
Samoa Joe: Listen, you cocky little prick, I don't care what you think of me. I don't care if you think I'm a boring wrestler, or a bad talker, or too fat to fuck. What I do care about is what you do. And when you don't put me in a World Championship match, then we have a problem.
Now, it's your lucky day. Because this time, this one time, you have the opportunity to give me something else I want.
Bo nods, trying not to pee in his white trunks. Joe backs off, beginning to address the camera.
I want Shawn Michaels. I want The Showstopper, The Heartbreak Kid, Mr. WrestleMania. See Shawn, you might not know much about me. You might not know who I am at all. But I know who I am. I know I am the baddest man walking the planet today, and I intend to prove it against the best--
"Sexy Boy" plays and Shawn Michaels comes out atop the ramp, with Big Daddy Cool Diesel right behind him.
Shawn Michaels: Oh don't worry, Joe, we know exactly who you are. Diesel: Yeah, we saw Ghostbusters. You're the Stay Puft Marshmellow guy, right? Just got a tan.
Michaels and Diesel laugh as Joe rolls his eyes.
Michaels: Jokes aside, I know exactly who you are, because you're just like every guy before you. In wrestling, there will always be some new monster. Some new super-serious badass who thinks he's just gonna run through everybody. Well, let me tell you this, Roly-Poly Ollie. For every guy like you with a stick up his ass, there will always be loudmouth sons-of-bitches like me ready to shove that stick up even further.
And that's true whether they're called the nWo . . . (pointing back to Diesel)
. . . or if they're called DX . . .
X-Pac comes out from the crowd.
. . . or if they're called The Elite . . .
Matt Jackson comes out from the crowd
. . . or if they're called the Age of the Fall . . .
Jimmy Jacobs comes out from the crowd.
. . . they'll always be with you.
Samoa Joe:(looking at the surrounded ring) I get it. You got a bunch of goons. You want to prove something, come down here yourself and face me like a man.
Michaels: Face you like a man? Naaaah. What do I pay my bodyguard for then?
Samoa Joe: All right, Big Daddy Cool, you get down here!
Diesel: Me? No man, I'm not getting paid enough to work. I'm on commentary duty. Shawn, I thought you got Chyna to handle this?
Michaels: She never called me back! Don't know what's up her ass--or rather, up her nose. But don't worry, I got just the woman for the job.
Samoa Joe turns around . . .
. . . right into a backfist from AWESOME KONG! Joe goes down and rolls out of the ring in surprise--right into a DOUBLE SUPERKICK from Jackson and Jacobs! X-Pac is leaping around, giving the Suck-It chop as the crowd boos and Michaels walks down to where Joe is laid out. Michaels: You want a match, Joe? I've got two words for you . . . you're on!
"Black Machismo" Jay Lethal is backstage at the Old School Promo Set-Up.
Jay Lethal: Well lookie here . . . I was just tryin' to snap into a Slim Jim, yeah, and then I see this camera hooked all the way up to the tubes of the internet, yeah, we're in cyberspace, and cyberspace is the place, and when you get me talking, well, we're moving into the danger zone, yeah . . .
. . . Ted DiBiase! Yeah, you're a big man with a big mouth, say a lot of things. Heard you goin' around here lookin' for a new Virgil. Talkin' to MVP, talkin' to Pope, well let me tell you, rich man, I got a challenge for you, dig it, yeah. If you can beat Black Machismo, Macho Man, yeah, you can have yourself a new Virgil. But if I can beat you, then I get me a Virgil. And not just any Virgil, yeah, you're gonna be my new partner, dress up like the man you hate. You're gonna be my Hogan, yeah, Mega Powers collide.
Take the leap, rich man! But just remember . . . I'm too hot to handle, too cold to hold, tower of power, too sweet to be sour, and if you think you can beat Black Machismo, if you're willing to give me your best shot, put it all on the line, then I've got two simple words for you . . .
(Kenta Kobashi and The Great Muta are backstage, speaking in Japanese. We are fortunate enough to have subtitles. Dubbed speech in italics)
Kenta: It is an honor to finally share a company with you, and I think it is only appropriate that we share a ring.
Muta: I agree. Let us go to our general manager and set up a match.
(General Manager Bo Dallas walks up to Kenta and Muta, and gives a big exaggerated bow.)
Dallas: Ni hao! Ni chi le ma!
Muta:I’m sorry, are you speaking in Chinese?
Dallas: I know, it’s very impressive. I’ve been learning how to speak Asian for a couple weeks now. And I was overhearing your conversation, and I bo-lieve I know exactly what you two want.
Kobashi: Great, then we’re both happy to sign the contract—
Dallas: So for you, Mr. Kobayashi—I love your hot dog eating competitions, but I also know you consider yourself the “King of Strong Style.”
Kobashi:You are thinking of two different Japanese people, neither of whom is me.
Dallas: So I know you’re going to want to go against someone who hits just as hard as you—and I’ve got just the guy, ready?
(Kobashi is pointing at Muta and nodding.) Dallas: Ken Shamrock!
Kobashi: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Muta: Then who am I facing? Dallas: Now, you're probably wondering who you're facing. Mr. Great Mute, I know from your name that you’re a silent warrior. And I remember that you would always pride yourself on taking down the big loudmouth American monster, even if you didn’t have your four buddies with you to form a big giant robot.
Muta:. . . Is this Power Rangers? Where did Power Rangers come from? Dallas: Therefore, I have the biggest and baddest monster ready just for you . . . Bam Bam Bigelow!
Muta: Good grief.
Dallas: Hey, I know these are challenging matchups. But I know you can rise to the challenge. In fact, I . . .
Muta/Kobashi: Bo-Lieve.
Dallas: Do NOT step on my catchphrase.
Muta/Kobashi: . . .
Dallas: I was going to say, I have faith in you. So there.
FADE
Last Edit: Jan 15, 2017 13:23:01 GMT -5 by Chris Eco
Bo Dallas is wandering around the Locker Room of Unbooked Talent, check-list in hand.
Dallas: All right, boys. It’s time to book a Tag Team Championship Triple Threat! I know we may not have too many “traditional tag teams,” but Vince McMahon was kind of enough to send me a list of booking tips. First, do we have any leftover members of an old stable? nWo? Dangerous Alliance? Road Warriors or Demolition are the same If you squint, I think. JOB Squad? Four Horsemen?
Tully Blanchard and Barry Windham raise their hands.
Windham: But you gotta understand, we were never really the team of the group. Blanchard: Matter of fact, I teamed with Gino over there (points at Gino Hernandez) more than I ever teamed with Barry.
Dallas: As my daddy IRS used to say – good enough for government work! The Four Horsemen are in the match! Now, I’m looking for a vague regional affiliation. Do we have any hip Californians? Fancy New Yorkers? Big Mean Texans?
Gino Hernandez and Kerry Von Erich raise their hands, but then see each other and put their hands back down.
Dallas: Caught ya, you sneaky tricksters!
Von Erich: This is ridiculous. We’re rivals, not teammates.
Dallas: Would you say you’re a . . .Team of Rivals? You know how well that worked for Lincoln? Really great President, top 20 easily! Now let me just get to this last category . . . find the two leftover . . .
Dallas pauses. Dallas: Okay! MVP and Pope, you’re the last team!
MVP and D’Angelo Dinero look at each other. MVP: Wait, why did Vince’s Booking Tips say to put us together? Dallas: . . .
Dinero: Yeah, what do we have in common?
Dallas: . . .
MVP: . . .
Dinero: . . . Dallas: . . .
MVP: . . .
Dinero: . . .
Dallas: . . . well, you know, you’re both very flashy . . .
MVP snatches the booking sheet.
MVP: “Find the two leftover black guys and make them a team.”
Dallas: You’re reading that out of context!
Dinero: “If you don’t have two leftover black guys, take Shelton out of the main event and try again.”
Dallas: You’re reading that in context!
FADE
Last Edit: Jan 16, 2017 20:51:49 GMT -5 by Chris Eco
Funny thing is Tully and Barry were NWA Tag Champs in the late 90s well after the WCW/NWA split.
I saw that on their Wikipedia! Was that in their actually-active career? I wasn't sure from the timing whether it was a legit championship or a situation like "Demolition wins the United States Xtreme Wrestling Tag Team Championship in 2007!"
Funny thing is Tully and Barry were NWA Tag Champs in the late 90s well after the WCW/NWA split.
I saw that on their Wikipedia! Was that in their actually-active career? I wasn't sure from the timing whether it was a legit championship or a situation like "Demolition wins the United States Xtreme Wrestling Tag Team Championship in 2007!"
Pretty sure it was legit. IIRC, This would be Post New Blackjacks in WWF and Pre West Texas Rednecks in WCW for Barry. Tully was pretty much wound down by then, but still, this is the NWA, not some mom and pop indy, even though it didn't have the same clout, I doubt it was a Pure nostalgia run. On the other hand, they did win it and lose it a month apart to the same team, so who knows.
Bo Dallas gets back to his office—to find The Ultimate Warrior and Sid.
Warrior: HOW DARE YOU FORGET THE GREAT WARRIORS OF DESTRUCTICITY WHEN SETTING THE BATTLEFIELD! THE SPIRITS WHO SPOKE TO ME ON THE MOUNTAIN AND FILLED ME WITH THE POWERS OF THE FIVE ELEMENTS HAVE AUTHORIZED ME TO STRIKE YOU DOWN!
Sid: WE ARE THE ONES WHO RULE THE WORLD! THESE MEN, THESE BOYS, THEY ARE HALF THE MEN WE ARE! AND WE HAVE HALF THE BRAINS THAT THEY DO!
Dallas: Guys, guys, it was an oversight! In fact, I have a great match planned for you. You’ll both be facing . . . uh . . .
There is a knock on the door. Bo Dallas opens.
Jay Briscoe: Aw there you are Bo, is you been running from me? You’re out here making World Championship matches, ain’t nobody gonna beat Jay Briscoe with no World Championship on the line—
Dallas: This guy! You’ll be facing this guy!
Briscoe: ‘scuse me?
Sid and Warrior exit, both shoving Jay as they walk out.
Dallas: Squidbilly, get yourself a partner. Soon.
Bo slams the door.
Briscoe: Now heck, where’s a dumb redneck like me gonna get a partner to take on dem big boys? Mark ain’t here. Toru Yano ain’t even here. Man, I can’t lose my first match! I got kids, man! I GOT KIDS!
Suddenly, someone holds a frowning cracker in front of Jay.
Rhino: Turn that frown upside down.
FADE
Last Edit: Jan 15, 2017 22:43:46 GMT -5 by Chris Eco
Bo Dallas is sitting backstage in the Locker Room of Unbooked Wrestlers with D’Lo Brown, DH Smith, The Great Sasuke and Paul Orndorff.
Dallas: Look, I know that you guys are frustrated. I’m sure you feel completely useless. Especially compared to some of the guys we could have gotten just a couple below your spots—Eric Young, Pentagon Jr., Kenny Omega, and Kazuchika Okada. I mean, just wow, think about that. We could have had a rematch of one of the greatest matches of all time. Of all time! I can’t imagine how guilty you must feel about being picked instead.
Orndorff: Hey! Mr. Wonderful doesn’t feel guilty at all! In fact, you’re lucky to have me in your lousy company!
Bo Dallas walks over and puts his hand on Orndorff’s shoulder.
Dallas: You’re putting on such a brave face, and I appreciate that. But let me tell you guys—it may be too late to be great, but it’s not too late to be passable! But we’re going to need to give you some new gimmicks. And I’ve been following the Comedic Character Tournament, and I’ve got some great new ideas.
Smith: I’ve got a great idea—why don’t you just let us be ourselves?
Dallas: Oh Davey. You should always be yourself. Unless who you are stinks. And you guys . . . kind of stink. Right, D’Lo?
D’Lo Brown shakes his head back and forth vigorously. DH Smith sighs.
Dallas: So let’s talk about your new characters! Paul, you’re an old timey man’s man who loves yourself, right?
Orndorff is looking at himself in the mirror.
Orndorff: Sorry, did you say something?
Dallas: You’re officially (Bo pulls out a red suit and mustache) Paul “Anchorman” Orndorff!
Dallas: Now, DH Smith, you’re part of Killer Elite Squad, kind of a rough and tumble American badass type, right?
Smith: . . . Sure, yeah.
Dallas: And there’s no one more badass than . . . (Bo pulls out a flannel shirt and fingerless gloves) . . . John Bender from The Breakfast Club!
Smith: Oh good grief.
Dallas: Now D’Lo, you’re kind of a lovable idiot with terrible catchphrases right?
Brown: You better recognize!
Dallas: (grabbing a Hawaiian shirt) Say hello to D’Lo Ventura: Pet Detective!
Dallas: Now onto you, Sasuke . . . you don’t speak much English, right?
The Great Sasuke just looks at Dallas, perplexed.
Dallas: But you do cool athletic stuff.
Sasuke stares.
Dallas: Great! (Dallas tosses a red and black costume over) You’re Deadpool!
Orndorff/Smith/Brown: I WANT TO BE DEADPOOL!
Dallas: Off-Brand DX doesn’t know what’s coming for them . . . wait until they meet . . . the J-O-Boliever SQUAD!
---
BIY 1: “Good Enough for Government Work”
General Manager: Bo Dallas Announcers: Steve Corino & Kevin Nash
Chris Benoit vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Lance Storm Triple Threat Match for the BIY Championship
Shawn Michaels vs. Samoa Joe
“Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase If Lethal loses, he becomes DiBiase’s new servant. If DiBiase loses, he adopts a Hulk Hogan persona and becomes Lethal’s new tag team partner.
The Horsemen (Tully Blanchard/Barry Windham) vs. The Texas Rivals (Kerry Von Erich/Gino Hernandez) vs. Beat Down Clan (MVP & “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero) Tornado Rules Match for the BIY Tag Team Championships
The Great Muta vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
Masters of Destrucity (Ultimate Warrior & Sid) vs. Jay Briscoe & Rhino
Kenta Kobashi vs. Ken Shamrock
Off-Brand DX (Matt Jackson, X-Pac, Jimmy Jacobs & Awesome Kong) vs. J-O-Boliever Squad (Anchorman Orndorff, DH Bender, Pet Detective D’Lo Ventura, and Sasukepool)
Here's the nonsense you'd be voting on for Card 3 if you opted to tiebreak and advance me:
BIY 3: “CLIMB THE LADDER KID! MAKE YOURSELF FAMOUS!”
General Manager: Bo Dallas Announcers: Steve Corino & Jimmy Jacobs
Shawn Michaels (c) vs. Shelton Benjamin Ladder Match for the BIY Championship
Samoa Joe vs. Chris Benoit Submission Match
Jay Lethal vs. Lance Storm
The Great Muta vs. "Hollywood" Ted DiBiase *If Muta Wins, DiBiase changes gimmicks AGAIN to "The Great Ted." *If DiBiase Wins, Muta joins DiBiase and Lethal as Muta "The Barber" Beefcake
The Horsemen (Tully Blanchard/Barry Windham) (c) vs. Jay Briscoe & Rhino vs. Off-Brand DX (Matt Jackson/X-Pac) Tables, Ladders and Chairs Match for the BIY Tag Team Championship
Kerry Von Erich vs. Bam Bam Bigelow Special Guest Referee: Gino Hernandez
Ultimate Warrior vs. Sid vs. Kevin Nash vs. Ken Shamrock The First Annual Lou Thesz Workrate Classic 10 Minute Scramble Match
Bo Dallas vs. Awesome Kong Exactly What You'd Expect
Anchorman Orndorff, DH "Son of Repo Man" Smith & The Great Sasukepool vs. D'Lo "Beat Down" Brown & The Beat Down Clan (MVP & “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero) Ay Caramba Grudge Match (First team to have a member go through the Spanish Announcers' Table loses)
Last Edit: Feb 5, 2017 14:03:22 GMT -5 by Chris Eco