[Chris Eco]

The Rock comes out to the Open WarGames Podium.


Rock: Finally … the ROCK! HAS COME BACK! To the Pun’s House Draft.

Well hold on, that’s not exactly right. Rock has been all over the Pun’s House Draft. Rock was in the Finals just this year, baby! Team Hodgey, whooping Jake Snake Bait all over Philadelphia! And sure, Rock’s show didn’t win, but LeBron James loses half his finals and he’s STILL the greatest of all time! Yeah, the Rock said it, Your Airness!

No, what the Rock hasn’t done for a long time—and the Rock means, a looooong time—is represent the Ecosystem brand. You might remember the last time the Rock represented the Ecosystem brand, because it was the last time anyone represented the Ecosystem brand. You might remember, in the 2018 Draft … when The Rock was General Sherman … in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

Audience Member: It sounded good at the time!

Rock: Hey hey hey, don’t get The Rock wrong, he loved that role! He loved the creative freedom! He loved all the intellectual property! But somewhere around the time we cast our Vampire Harriet Tubman … or the Scooby-Doo Gang … or the X-Men … or the Evil Vampire Scooby-Doo Dopplegangers …

… let the Rock just say he bit off more than he could chew.

But don’t you worry your pretty little heads. Rock is going back to basics on this one. Real old school basics. WarGames. And we’re going to host it all on the Rock’s Show – Smackdown. We’re bringing back old stars, old sets, the giant fist smashing through the glass—



Daniel Bryan: YEAH! Bring back the giant fist! Smackdown loves fisting!

Rock: ….

Daniel Bryan: (holding out his hand for a fist bump). Fist me, Rock!

Rock: Who in the blue—

Bryan: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO I BLUE!

Rock: …

Bryan: Did I do that right?

Rock: … Rock is going to take a break.

The Rock leaves.

Bryan: Yeah! Smackdown’s the best!

[Chris Eco]

Daniel Bryan walks down to the training ring to find Io Shirai standing on top of the cage, with Kurt Angle climbing up himself.



Daniel Bryan: What are you two doing?

Kurt Angle: What does it look like we’re doing, pal? We’re training.

Daniel Bryan: Training for what?

Io Shirai: So. I jump backward. Moonsault on Kurt.

Daniel Bryan: You’re going to moonsault on Kurt from the top of the cage.

Io Shirai: Yes.

Daniel Bryan: For practice?

Io Shirai: Yes.

Daniel Bryan: Then why are you climbing?

Kurt Angle: Because I’m going to moonsault first.

Daniel Bryan: Onto who?

Kurt Angle: Nobody! I just fall twelve feet onto my chest with no protection, and then she moonsaults on me. That's today's drill.



Daniel Bryan: Kurt. That is the dumbest drill I’ve ever heard of.

Kurt Angle: Well, that’s because you’ve never had to train for the Olympics—which, in case you forgot, I not only won, I won with a broken freaking neck!

Io Shirai: (mimicing) Freaking! Neck!

Daniel Bryan: Can you two imbeciles just climb down before you both get broken freaking ribs? I have a problem.

Kurt and Io climb down.

Io: What problem?

Kurt: Probably can’t get a haircut because of the pandemic, that’s why he looks like this.

Bryan: Guys, I met The Rock earlier. Just to introduce myself, man to man, before we start competing against each other—he just walked off. He wouldn’t even fist me!

Io: What?

Kurt: I’m sorry, you asked him to fist you?

Bryan: Yeah, and he wouldn’t fist me! I held out my hand and I said, Fist Me Rock!

Io and Kurt look at each other.

Kurt: I'm sorry, one more time, he walked away because you asked him to fist you.

Io: Daniel. I know my English is not very good. But I think that is not the word—

Kurt: What kind of man won’t fist another man!?

Io: …

Daniel: I know!

Kurt: Look, I know we’re competitors, but I’d fist you any time! I’ll fist you right here in front of this strange Japanese woman!

Daniel: Let’s do it!

Kurt and Daniel fist bump. Kurt looks over to Io.

Kurt: Io?

Io Shirai is covering her eyes.

Io: I am trying to give you ... what’s the word ... give you privates.

Daniel: What? No no, Io.

Kurt: Io, c'mon. I don’t have any (air quotes) “privates.”

Io: …

Kurt: You know the Three I's? Of course you do. The second I stands for integrity. That means I'm the same person all the time, inside and out, nothing to hide. So you go ahead and tell all your Japanese friends that I don’t know about them, but Kurt Angle doesn’t have any privates!

Kurt claps his hands and goes back to climbing the cage.

Io: …

Daniel: …

Io: …

Daniel: … Yeah! No privates! Smackdown’s the best!

[Chris Eco]

Cesaro walks down the Hallway of Convenience when he is interrupted by Kurt Angle.

Angle: My man Cesaro. One of the greatest pure athletes to come into World Wrestling Entertainment. I'm so glad to have you here. You're going to be great on Team Angle.

Cesaro: Kurt, it's nice to see you too. But uh ... I didn't come here for you.

Daniel Bryan walks in the screen.



Bryan: That's right, Kurt! Claudio's with me!

Cesaro: Bryan--

Bryan: It's going to be the American Dragon and Claudio, running things like it's 2009.

Cesaro: Bryan, I didn't come here for you either.

Bryan: You didn't come here for either of us? You're here for The Rock?

Angle: Cesaro, I hate to break it to you ... I don't even think The Rock knows who you are.

Bryan: Maybe he thought he was Jason Statham? You did completely rip him off.

Cesaro: Boys, boys. I'm here for her.

The camera pans to Io Shirai.



Shirai: Cesaro. Come make love to me.

Cesaro rips off his suit.



Angle: Whoa whoa whoa! This is a family show!

Shirai: I am just kidding. But we do need to train.

Cesaro: No problem, I'm ready. Bryan, can you grab my suit? Thanks very much.

Cesaro walks off with Io.

Angle: Cesaro's on Team Io?

Bryan: Man! Smackdown's the WORST!

[Chris Eco]

The Rock and Ronda Rousey are walking down the hallway.



The Rock: And that's why you'll be perfect on Team Rock. You're a marquee name, the Rock's a marquee name, this intergender, badass chick stuff is hot right now--

Ronda: Rock, honestly, I appreciate this, but I just don't think--

Triple H walks into view.



HHH: Rock.

Rock: Hunter.

HHH: Dwayne.

Rock: Paul.

HHH: Tooth Fairy.

Rock: Straight to DVD.

HHH: Look, this WarGames thing is crap. The fact that I have to team with either you, or you, or Daniel Bryan, or Kurt Angle, is crap. Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me--

Ronda: I like you.

HHH: All right, you like me, he doesn't like me, and I don't like you or him.

Rock: The Rock likes you. The Rock was just saying you're a bad actor. Hogan was a bad actor. The Rock likes Hulk Hogan and The Rock likes you.

Ronda: Why don't you like us?

HHH: Can we just--I was building to something. A team of rivals, you know. It's like, a dramatic tension thing. It's not exciting if we're friends.

Ronda: Yeah, speaking of which, I'm pretty sure we just drafted my literal best friend Shayna Baszler? So if it's cool with you guys, I'm going to go start a team with her, and you guys can keep flexing at each other.

Ronda exits.

Rock: You just chased off my partner!

HHH: You're the idiot that drafted her friend!

Rock: Okay, so you want some dramatic tension, huh?

HHH: Yeah, I do!

Rock: All right, well The Rock says, you can take your dramatic tension, you can shine it up real nice, you can turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy--

Voice: YEAH! Sticking abstract concepts up butts! Smackdown's the best!

The Rock and HHH look up to Daniel Bryan and Sami Zayn eating popcorn in the rafters.

The Rock: Hey Daniel!

Bryan: Yeah, Rock?

The Rock: Rock's got a busy day, he's got a lot of things to do, so when the Rock sees you next, can you remind The Rock of something?

Bryan: Sure thing, Rock.

The Rock: Remind The Rock to whip that ass.

[Chris Eco]

[And now for the rest of the setup...]

Io Shirai and Cesaro are doing lockup training in the cage when The Rock comes up to them.

Rock: Big Dick Tony!

Cesaro: (turns around) Usually when I hear that, there’s a big pale Irishman standing behind me.

Rock: Well, you have the luck of the Irish today, Tony, because today is the day that The Rock selects YOU! For The Rock’s WarGames team.

Cesaro: Rock, that’s very nice. But I already told Kurt and Bryan, I kind of made a commitment to Io.

Rock: Let the Rock get this straight. You came to The Rock’s Show, SmackDown!, just to beat up women?

Ronda: What, you think I can’t handle him?



Ronda and Shayna come back into view.

Rock: Listen here,  Widdle Wonda Weewee.

Ronda: You already gave me a nickname?

Rock: The Rock gives everyone nicknames when they turn their back on The Rock. And now you’re here, trying to sabotage The Rock’s team, all because you want to face Big Dick Tony!

Daniel Bryan (from audience): Yeah! Dicks in faces! Smackdown’s the—

Rock: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Io: Everyone. This is big misunderstanding. Cesaro is not on my team.

Shayna: He’s not? That sucks.

Io: I hired Cesaro to train my team. But Cesaro, if you like, you are welcome to wrestle for them as well.

Kurt Angle shows up on the ramp with Shelton Benjamin.



Angle: That’s perfect, Tivo.

Io: It’s Io.

Angle: Like I said, Eeyore’s got the right idea. Let’s compete for Cesaro. Rock, you have your second in Hunter; Bryan has his second in Sami; I have my second in Shelton. We all want Cesaro for our third. Let’s wrestle for it.

Rock: Oh, you want a piece of The Rock?

Angle: Darn right I do!

Rock: You want to go one on one with the Great One?

Angle: Well, one on one on one. But yes!

Rock: You want to get a taste of The Rock’s strudel?

Angle: I would love to come taste—

Bryan: Wait a second, Kurt. If my memory serves me right, that’s one of his homophobic trick questions.

Rock: Will you two just get in the ring?

Shayna takes off her shirt to reveal a referee shirt.

Rock: And why are you the referee?

Shayna: Did anyone else come prepared with a shirt?

Cesaro: She's got a point.

****

It’s thirty minutes into the three way match, with the cage lifted, and Shelton, Sami, Cesaro, Triple H, Ronda, and Io watching from ringside.

Triple H: This is really going for a long time.

Shelton: Longer than your promos.

Triple H: At least I *can* talk.

Cesaro: I’m glad they didn’t stick me up there the whole time like Judy Bagwell.

Rock throws Kurt over the ropes, Kurt hands on, Bryan dropkicks him off the apron! Bryan gets up, SPINEBUSTER from The Rock! Rock looks like he might be thinking People’s Elbow, but Bryan is stumbling back up too fast—Rock changes position to his stalking-stance, looking for the Rock Bottom, but Bryan is getting up a little slow—Kurt slides in from outside the ring, hooks Rock behind, ANGLE SLAM! Rock goes splat as Kurt gets up, pulls down the straps, and turns around—INTO A RUNNING KNEE! Daniel Bryan into the cover: 1, 2, Kurt just misses the three!

Winner in 32:06 … Daniel Bryan!



Daniel Bryan gets up and celebrates in the ring with Sami (and Shayna for no reason) as Kurt and Triple H roll out of the ring. Cesaro gets into the ring and shakes hands, Yes fingers in the sky, until Kurt grabs a microphone.

Kurt: Stop it! Stop saying yes!

Daniel: No!

Kurt: Yes!

Daniel: No!

Kurt: Yes!

Sami: So yes?

Kurt: No!

Cesaro: Yes no?

Kurt: No yes!

Shelton: (grabbing the microphone) What Kurt means to say, is that you may have won the battle, but you will not win the War. We’re challenging YOU for WarGames!

Daniel: Let’s do it!

Triple H: (on the ramp) Hey, great promo, Shelton, who wrote it for you, your mama?

Shelton: Will you stop?

Triple H: No, Shelton, I won’t, because Rocky and I, we don’t just stop when Plan A doesn’t work out. Because with us … there’s always a Plan B.

Daniel: Shoot, I know that one!

Cesaro: You want to turn around first?

Daniel: Why don’t you turn around first—

Sami Zayn hits Daniel Bryan in the back with a chair! Cesaro, being genre-savvy, grabs the chair Sami is holding, but gets bashed in the back by Nigel McGuinness! Both slide out of the ring and walk up to Triple H.



Zayn: Ohhhh, you’re so surprised! Forgive me, forgive me, if I think you’re a little too surprised. I understand you wanted me and Nigel to join your cute little Ring of Honor supergroup. The last time I checked, Bryan Danielson was never pushing for El Generico to get the big Ring of Honor title shot back when he was Ring of Honor World Champion. But I remember Nigel doing that. And more to the point, I remember Hunter doing that. And Nigel and I both remember what we got paid in Ring of Honor versus what we got paid in NXT. So excuse me if I’m not interested in playing third fiddle to Bryan Danielson on your little “love of the game memory lane” team.

Triple H: You heard him, Bryan! They’re done with you. Oh, are you sad? You think he made the wrong decision? Then try and stop us at WarGames!

Daniel: (getting up) Wait, why am I facing you at WarGames?

Rock: Let The Rock take this. Daniel, I think you might have gotten your brains scrambled. We just paid off your best friend to sneak attack you with a chair. Obviously, we’re facing you at WarGames.

Cesaro: But Shelton asked first.

Shelton: I did.

Sami: I just betrayed you!

Daniel: Yeah, so what? You get to cut in line because you’re rude? That would create terrible incentives!

Triple H: That's how wrestling works, Daniel!

Cesaro: Sorry, Hunter. We’re facing Team Angle.

The Rock: Okay, this is ridiculous. The Rock loses his first partner, the Rock has to team with this jabroni—

Triple H: Hey!

The Rock: The Rock loses his second partner without even getting pinned, and now The Rock doesn’t even have a match? No one in the whole world wants to face The Great One?

MVP: Did you just say the whole world?



MVP and Cedric Alexander step out from the shadows.

MVP: Believe it or not, Rock, there is someone interested in challenging you from the other side of the world. See, in America, you’re the People’s Champion, you’re The Great One. But where I used to wrestle, over in Japan, there is only one Great. And his name … is Muta. And Rock, on behalf of Mr. Muta, on behalf of the Tokyo Hurt Business, I am here to let you know that at WarGames, Mr. Muta intends … to just bring it.



The Rock’s squad starts to jawjack with MVP and Alexander, as Angle and Shelton help Bryan and Cesaro up, arguing with them too as they leave the ring. Io and Ronda join Shayna in the ring.

Ronda: So Io, I still have one question. Who’s your first team member if it’s not Cesaro?

Io: Ronda, Ronda, Ronda. Do you not see? The theme of the night … is betrayal.

Shayna Baszler grabs Ronda with the rear naked choke! Ronda is fighting but Shayna forces her down to the ground … and Io leaps with a CURBSTOMP to the face of Ronda! Shayna lets Ronda go and grabs a microphone.

Baszler: Ronda, I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. You really thought you could come back to my house and just have me play second fiddle to Team Ronda? In case you forgot, Io and I invented the Woman’s WarGames match. And we have the whole band back together … the two of us, Bianca, Kay Lee, right down to the woman that advocated for it all behind the scenes, Sara Del Rey.



Baszler: But don’t think of this as a betrayal, think of it as a challenge. You want to take us on? Go call up AEW. Call up Impact. Sned us the best they have.

Io: But don’t send us anyone … that you want back.

Shayna and Io walk off as Ronda gets back to her feet, holding her jaw. She opens her phone.

Ronda: Gail? I need a favor.

FAAAAAAADE