[Chris Eco]

Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar are in a FACEOFF~! in the ring. Both have a microphone.

Reigns: Listen Brock, let’s keep this simple. I don’t like you. And you don’t like me.

Lesnar: I like you.

Reigns: …

Lesnar smiles.

Reigns: All right, fine. You like me. But I don’t like you.

Lesnar: Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.

Reigns: You think you’re funny, huh? Big man with the ponytail and the cowboy hat? Let me tell you something, as the man who runs this place, as the head of the table of this company, let me tell you man to man, I don’t like you …

Reigns breaks into a smile.

Reigns: I love you, man!

Reigns gives Lesnar a big hug, which he accepts.

Reigns: I mean, you are the man, man! You’re tough, you’re athletic, you hate people and I love that about you, you’re funny--

Lesnar: Aw, stop.

Reigns: It’s true!

Lesnar: Hey, can I just say – you give great hugs.

Reigns: You want another one?

Lesnar: Yeah, put it in!

Reigns and Lesnar hug again.

Lesnar: Hey, you know what?

Reigns: What.

Lesnar: I love you too, man!

Reigns: Stop it.

Lesnar: No, seriously! You’re a good-looking guy, you’re jacked, great tattoos if I do say so myself—

Reigns: Dude, you were fighting in the UFC while fighting diverticulitis!

Lesnar: You took a break to beat leukemia!

Reigns: You’ve got just the best beard.

Lesnar: You know, I don’t often say a man’s hair is luxurious, but your hair, wow?

Reigns: Okay, now you’re talking about another man’s hair? I’ve got a serious question. And you’ve got to be a man about this.

Lesnar: Okay, shoot.

Reigns: If you were a chick, what’s the one guy you’d sleep with?  1-2-3--

Lesnar/Reigns: Joe Rogan.

Lesnar: WHAT!

Reigns: Did we just become best friends?

Lesnar: YEP!

Reigns: Do you want to go do karate backstage?

Lesnar: Only if we’re drinking Coors Light, baby. Cause Bud Light still won’t pay me nothing!

To be continued...

[Chris Eco]

Flanked by his father Sika and brother Rosey, Roman Reigns is out in the ring at a house show following Greg DeMarco’s agreement (see draft thread) to re-choose a man as Roman’s Superheavyweight Championship opponent in place of Bianca Belair … and his choice of Cletus Gambino.

Reigns: Cletus, man, I know you’re back there, and you had better be listening. I am addressing you in my house, with all these fans watching, because I want to say this in public. I am addressing you not in front of Vince, not in front of Brock, but in front of my family, because I want you to know I’m speaking only the truth. I’m not about to lie in front of my family, Cletus. The truth is, if you face me in Chicago – I’m going to smash you. I’m going to break you. I’m going to make your pathetic bingo hall sad sack body twist in agony, and I’m going to make you beg on your knees for your life.

But hey – to borrow a phrase, I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know. So I’m going to do you a favor. If you just come out here, acknowledge me, and walk away, I will generously give you the loser’s purse for the night, no work required. What do you say?

Roman and his family look toward the entrance. No response.

Roman: Your Tribal Chief is generous, Cletus. But I am not patient. And if you don’t—

“Redneck Mafia” plays over the PA system and Cletus Gambino comes out and enters the ring. Rosey hands Cletus a microphone. Cletus raises it but we can’t hear him over the crowd.

Crowd: CLE-TUS! CLE-TUS! CLE-TUS!

Roman: Y’all done?

Crowd: CLE-TUS! CLE-TUS! CLE-TUS!

Roman: Fine. You tell them they’re done.

Cletus: Folks, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to wrestle Roman.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOO.

Cletus: I'm sorry, but, I know a good deal when I see it.

Roman: You’re a wise man.

Cletus: And I already made that deal. I sold my contract already.

PA System: MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY!

Ted DiBiase comes out, flanked by Yokozuna and IRS.

DiBiase: You see, Roman, you’re right! Everybody has a price! But I pay a better price, and Cletus, I’m so glad you finally accepted.

Cletus: Ted, hey, you gave me a great offer. But I’m sorry to tell you … I got a better one.

PA System: Let me tell you all a story about a guy named Grimes …

Cameron Grimes comes out to a pop! He walks down past Ted, Yoko, and IRS, hops into the ring, and gives Cletus a big hug. He takes the microphone.

Grimes: Ted, I love you, and I know you got a lot of money. But you ain’t got Gamestop money! And Cletus, you may not be going to the main event any more—but your bank account is going …

Crowd/Grimes/Cletus: TO THE MOON!

Grimes: Bring out the check!

Jade Cargill comes out carrying a big, golf-tournament sized check for Cletus. The amount says “To The Moon.” She slides it into the ring, and enters behind as Cletus picks it up for the pose. Jade walks over to Roman.

Jade: Hey Aquaman, would you mind taking the picture for us?

Rosey: (stepping in front) You trying to piss us off right now?

Roman: (arm to the side) I got this.

Roman walks forward to Cameron and Cletus.

Roman: Cameron, fool, you’re gonna need to save some of that money and buy yourself an education. The name on the door is 265 Live. The contract says “The challenger must be over 265 pounds.” The top of that championship says “Superheavyweight.” And the nameplate is going to say Roman Reigns, because I don’t care if you bought the main event contract from Cletus, your buck-fifty ass ain’t even eligible for the championship.

Jade: See, uh, I think you’re the one who might need to take some reading classes.

Sika: Boy, can you tell your booth babe over here to shut up?

Jade: Oh, I’m not Cameron’s booth babe.

Cameron: She’s my lawyer!

Jade: And Roman, the first thing you need to do when you read a contract is look at the defined terms. And yes, “the challenger must be over 265 pounds.” But “the challenger” is defined as “that person, or persons, competing against Mr. Leati Joseph Anoaʻi in a Sports Entertainment Contest at the Specified Event. Where challenger refers to multiple persons, any references as to the requirements or duties of “the challenger” may be fulfilled by those persons together completing those duties or together meeting those requirements. For the avoidance of doubt, the requirements and duties assigned to “the challenger” are not expanded or multiplied by the number of persons comprising “the challenger.”

Rosey: What does that mean? Is he supposed to eat all those fancy words and get big?

Roman: Don’t embarrass me, Matthew.

Roman steps up to Jade.

Roman: So you’ve got a second challenger.

Jade: Yeah.

Roman: And he gets you over the weight limit.

Jade: Yeah.

Roman: And you think that I’m going to stand back and be scared just because you’ve got a second guy? On my record? Would you like me to get you a DVD of when I smashed, stacked, and pinned two former world champions at once? Is that what you’d like?

Jade: What I’d like, Roman … is for you to keep your noise down while your new challenger shows you … what a real man is supposed to look like.

RICK RUDE comes out on stage, to Roman Reigns’s exasperation.

ROMAN REIGNS w/ Sika v. RICK RUDE w/ Jade Cargill v. CAMERON GRIMES w/ Cletus Gambino

SUPERHEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP