PHWF 6: A New Beninning
May 4, 2007 22:03:52 GMT -5
Post by Jack Quinn on May 4, 2007 22:03:52 GMT -5
PHWF 6 – A New Beginning
<note, I still think the PHWF has potential, and I hate to see it die. If/when Lock gets back this is his baby and he can scrap the whole thing if he likes and pick up where he left off and there are no hard feelings at all. Let’s see what we can do while he is gone.>
Joey Fashions: Welcome to PHWF six, A New Beginning! I am Joey Fashions and we are coming to you from beautiful downtown Cour d’Alene Idaho! With me as always is Don East
Don East: Thank you Joey, I gotta say this may be THE GREATEST PHWF CARD EVER!! OF ALL TIME!!!
JF: Calm down killer, joining us tonight is the boss himself, please welcome Pun!
Pun: Joey, Don, good to be here.
DE: Pun I gotta ask you, what is going on with Capslock? I hear the rumors, the boys in the back are all talking, where is FF Capslock?
Pun: Well, I can’t say a whole lot as it is an ongoing investigation, but right now we are treating it like a missing person case
JF: Is Moosehead Jack a suspect?
Pun: That is out of my hands right now
JF: Fair enough. We have a great lineup tonight, we have been off for over a month so I know the boys are as anxious to get to the ring as we are. We start first with an appetizer, SYB takes on local legend Thomas Builds-The-Fire.
DE: Thomas Builds-The-Fire is one of the GREATEST local talents I have EVER seen! He is phenomenal!!!
JF: Pun is this guy someone you might want to add to the PHWF roster? We remember his legendary match with Mark Vander a few years ago, is this a try out?
Pun: Well, you can never say never, we are always looking for talent, let’s see what he can do.
JF: and with that, let’s go to the ring
SYB vs. THOMAS BUILDS-THE-FIRE
SYB comes to the ring, and the crowd boos him heartily. He mocks the fans as he comes down and makes fun of Idaho the entire time. Thomas Builds-The-Fire is out next and the place comes unglued. TBTF climbs to the top rope and poses for the fans, and SYB attacks from behind. SYB pulls Thomas off the top rope and lays into him with chops and kicks backing Thomas into the corner. SYB taunts the crowd with an Indian war whoop, this does not sit well with the fans or with Thomas. Thomas explodes out of the corner and BRUTALIZES SYB with chops backing SYB to the center of the ring. Thomas does his Indian war dance around the ring, then levels SYB with a chop to the top of the head. Thomas pulls SYB to his feet and sends him to the ropes and drops him with a Samoan drop, then climbs the ropes and waits for SYB to get to his feet. As SYB gets up, Thomas leaps and nearly decapitates SYB with a clothesline. Thomas covers and gets a two count, SYB somehow gets his foot on the bottom rope. Thomas pulls SYB to his feet, but SYB stops him cold with a thumb to the eye. SYB chokes Thomas on the top rope, then slams him face first into the corner turnbuckle. Thomas falls to one knee in the middle of the ring and SYB kicks him to the mat, then stands proudly over him and once again, taunts the crowd. SYB does the ultra-cocky one foot cover and gets two, but Thomas grabs his foot and sends him to the mat, then pounces on SYB and locks in the Indian Death Lock (what else?) SYB screams in pain and struggles to get to the ropes, but he has no chance. Finally SYB is forced to tap and the crowd goes crazy.
WINNER in 5:05 – Thomas Builds-The-Fire
JF: WHAT AN UPSET!!!
DE I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN UPSET LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!! THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING EVER!! OH!!! MY!!! GOD!!!!
JF: Hey, that is my line! So Thomas Builds-The-Fire scores the win to send the crowd home happy…
Pun: Well I hope they aren’t leaving yet
JF: That’s just an expression Pun, no one is leaving, not with the Battle of the Ryan’s up next!
DE: NEVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BUSINESS HAVE WE WITNESSED TWO MEN PUT THEIR ENTIRE EXISTENCE ON THE LINE IN A MATCH!!!
JF: Well, I think that might be a bit much, the loser just has to change…..
DE: EVER!!!!!!!!!!
Pun: We need to switch him to decaf.
JF: This IS decaf
Pun: Oh
DE: WE NEED TO GO TO THE RING AND GET THIS EPIC GREATEST FRUITY FRUITY OH SO GODDAMN FRUITY I JUST WANT TO TEAR MY CLOTHES OFF AND ROLL AROUND IN A PILE OF SKITTLES AND FLOWER PETALS, MY GOD ARE THEY GOOD!! GO TO THE RING!! NAME VERSUS NAME OH MY GOD HHHHHRRRRRNNNNNGGGHHH!!!
Pun: Did he just…..
JF: TO THE RING!!
RYAN TAB vs. RYAN INSERT – Loser changes their name
Insert makes his way to the ring, but stops by the announce table and has a word with GM Pun. Pun is seen shaking his head then throwing his hands up. Hmmm wonder what that is about. Insert sprints the rest of the way to the ring (which is only a few feet) and talks to the announcer. He announces that this will be a no disqualification match. While Tab is introduced, Insert fills the ring with plunder. Tab gets a running start, slides under the bottom rope, grabs a garbage can lid and crowns Insert as he stands up, this one is underway! Tab goes to down hammering Insert with shots with the lid, then tries a whip to the ropes, but Insert reverses it, and throws a chair at Tab as he rebounds off the ropes. Tab goes down in a heap, and comes up bloody. Insert grabs a leather strap and whips the hide off of Tab, then pulls him to his feet, wraps the belt around his neck and throws him over the top rope, but Tab catches himself, skins the cat, and throws Insert over the top rope to the floor. The action builds for nearly twenty dramatic minutes, as both men fight for their lives. Finally the epic ending is set. The two men have stacked two tables on top of one another near the back concourse, and have fought their way to the top. The two men teeter on the edge, Insert tries to snap off a hurracarana sending Tab over the rail to the floor, but Tab holds on and drops Insert! Insert crashes through the first table, but not the second, remember these guys only weigh one fifty soaking wet. So Tab climbs on the apron and hits a FUCKING REMARKABLE 1800 degree SSP sending Insert through the table!!! Crowd erupts into a WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Chant, the referee decides that this is as good a time as any to make the three count, and counts Insert out.
WINNER in 22:42 – Ryan Tab
JF: WOW! That was one of the more remarkable things I have ever seen!!
Pun: Is he ok?
DE: GREATEST <wheeze> THING <coughwheeze> EVER <gaspwheezecough>
JF: he is just hyperventilating, he’ll be fine
Pun: he is turning purple
JF: Violet! You’re turning violet Violet!!
Pun: does our medical coverage cover this?
JF: We have medical coverage?
Pun: Oh yeah, well give him a bag or something
DE: UNBELIEVABLE <wheeze> BETTER THAN…<wheeze wheeze>…….
JF: That’s ok Donnie, you just get your breath back and we are going to head to the ring for our next match between Spin “Freakin” Hansen and possible criminal suspect Moosehead Jack. You think this will be bloody?
Pun: it has potential
JF: Let’s go to the ring
SPIN HANSEN vs. MOOSEHEAD JACK
Moose and Spin come out from the back already brawling. The camera catches the referee in the ring throw his hands up already. Not a good sign. Moose rakes Spin’s eyes and drags him over to the guardrail and bounces his head off the railing, then throws him through a wooden board announcing the upcoming Coeur d’Alene Potato Fest. Moose grabs a piece of the splintered wood and jabs Spin in the head, drawing a copious amount of blood. Jack is momentarily distracted by a fan screaming for his head, which allows Spin time to call for a chair from the audience, Spin catches it, turns, and BRAINS Moose. Moose staggers but doesn’t go down, so Spin grabs a piece of the broken board and breaks it over Moose’s head. Spin drags Moose back to the ring and rummages around on the outside, through the plunder left by the feuding Ryans, and pulls out a barbed wire baseball bat. Hansen rakes the bat across Moose head drawing blood, or actually opening up old wounds. Spin pulls Moose to his feet and sends him to the ropes for a spine buster, but Spin lowers his head just a little too soon and Moose plants him with a DDT. Jack slips out of the ring and is rummaging around on the outside for something when a fan in a hoodie jumps over the railing and LEVELS Moose with a clothesline! What the hell? Who is this? He takes the hood off and it’s OUTBACK JACK!! WHAT THE HELL??? Spin leaves the ring and argues with Jack for a moment, so Jack grabs a chair and waffles Spin in the head. Jack looks around at the confused crowd, and sees that security is on their way to the ring, and hops the rail and escapes through the crowd! The referee has no choice but to call this one a no contest!
WINNER – No Contest in 11:49
DE: OUTBACK JACK!! OUTBACK JACK!! HE DOESN’T WORK FOR THIS COMPANY…..does he?
Pun: No he does not
DE: OH MY GOD THAT WAS THE GREATEST RUN IN I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! NOT SINCE THE DAYS OF THE NWO OH MY!!!! OH, OH OH BUY MY KNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!
Pun: Did he just……
JF: yeah
Pun: again?
JF: Kid’s got stamina. But Pun, what on earth was that all about? Outback Jack is NOT a PHWF employee! We know he is involved in a brutal feud with Moosehead Jack, but that is in the OOWF, what is going on here?
Pun: I don’t know Joey
JF: You are a man of few words Pun
Pun: Indeed
DE: Man, I need a cigarette, and a nap. So what’s going on Joey, shouldn’t we discuss the next match coming up. Is it hot in here? Feels kinda humid. Sticky, ya know?
JF: That is disgusting. Up next we have a Tag Team Triple Shot, the champions Courtney Shaw and Master Gator defend their titles against the GOP and Kenji and Knife
DE: COURTNEY SHAW HAS BOOBIES JOEY!! BOOBIES!!!!
JF: That tends to happen to women Don.
DE: Think she would let me touch them?
JF: No
DE:Even if I giver her one of my knives….AT THE SPECIAL DISCOUNT RATE OF ONLY $14.99 FOLKS THAT IS ALMOST CRIMINAL!!! I SHOULD BE LOCKED UP FOR A PRICE THAT LOW!! LOOK AT THE STEEL ON THIS ONE!! IT IS AT LEAST 4% PURE STEEL HAND CRAFTED IN TOGA!! YOU CAN NOT GET QUALITY LIKE THIS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!!! ANY-WHERE!!!!
JF: Why do you pay him?
Pun: Discount knives, they make nice gifts.
JF: Let’s go to the ring
COURTNEY SHAW & MASTER GATOR vs. THE GOP vs. KENJI & KNIFE – PHWF World Tag Team Title Match
The GOP comes to the ring first and hands out buttons in support of the GOP, since Idaho is a red state they receive a fairly warm welcome. Kenji and Knife are out next, Knife, being a religious zealot is cheered, while Kenji, being a foreigner, is not. Finally, the champs come out. They get a warm welcome. The champs hand the titles to the referee and this one is underway. Kenji and Knife attack Tex and Eco, Kenji grabs Eco and throws him over the top rope to the floor, while Knife chases Tex around the ring, Tex runs for his life, and finally slides under the ropes. The four men gather on the outside forming a convenient pile of bodies, Courtney gets a running start and dives between the ropes, at the same time Gator leaps over the top rope, they crash into the pile and send bodies flying everywhere. Courtney gets to her feet and grabs Tex and slams him to the floor, then spring boards off the bottom rope and drops a leg across his chest. Gator and Kenji pummel Eco while Knife waits for Gator to turn back around, when he does, Gator gets his head kicked off with a super kick. We spend the next 25 minutes with general tag team mayhem, until finally we have Courtney, Gator and Tex in the ring. Courtney and Tex set Tex up for a spike pile driver, but Knife slips in and breaks up the move. While Knife and Gator duke it out, Courtney grabs Tex and is about to eliminate him, when BILL O’REILLY runs into the ring!!! What the hell? O’Reilly berates Courtney about being a woman and pretty much everything else, Court has had enough and she hauls off and nails Bill with a forearm to the side of the head. Court turns around and at the same time Knife aims a super kick at Gator’s head, Gator ducks and the kick catches Courtney square in the jaw! Tex seizes the opportunity and rolls Courtney up while Knife pulls Gator to the mat. The referee moves into position and makes the three count, and we have new tag team champions!
WINNERS in 33:10 and NEW PHWF World Tag Team Champions – The GOP
DE: THAT HAS TO BE THE FIRST REPUBLICAN RUN IN IN WRESTLING HISTORY!!!!
JF: No, I am pretty sure it was not. But Pun, perhaps you can answer this question: why was Bill O’Reilly in Idaho, and why was he interfering in a wrestling match? Can you answer that?
Pun: Nope
JF: Well you heard it here first, Pun can’t explain it, so it looks like we have NEW PHWF World Tag Team Champions, the GOP.
DE: and if you call 1-900-909 PHWF right now, you can get this GOP Title Win Collector’s plate, Joey look at the gold gilding on this plate. This plate captures the exact moment that the GOP scored their history making win. Folks these plates are limited, only 50,000 were minted, so if you call now, we are throwing in a bonus, yes a bonus, we will give you this, one of a kind, Attitude Adjuster knitted remote cozy! Nothing says ATTITUDE like keeping your remote cozy!!
JF: Pun, seriously, why do we put up with this?
Pun: …….”Yeah put me down for twelve plates, yeah, now I get a free cozy with each plate? Perfect. Yeah I have Attitude too! By credit card, the numbers? I should be in the system, look under Punisher, The, yep that’s me…..”
JF: Why do I even try? Does ANYONE care that we have an N-Sanity match next? Anyone? At all? No? Let’s go to the ring.
CONCRETE TG vs. JOHNNY ADRENALINE vs. VIET CONG VIPER vs. CHRIS COLE – PHWF N-Sanity Title Match
Crete finds himself in a bit on an unenviable spot this week, defending the title against three men who really don’t like him. I wonder how that will work out for him? Cole, Viper and Adrenaline all come to the ring, and they stand in the ring and argue over who will be the one to pin Crete. The exchange of words gets a bit heated and things come to blows as Crete is making his way to the ring. Johnny bails out, and Viper and Cole don’t seem to notice. As Crete makes his way to the ring, he sees the fight break out in the ring, and pulls up a chair from a ringside fan and grabs some popcorn and enjoys the fight. What Crete doesn’t see is Johnny Adrenaline make his way around the ring and level Crete with a clothesline, knocking Crete off of the chair to the floor. Adrenaline gets some good shots in on Crete before Viper and Cole notice what is going on outside of the ring. Viper goes to leave the ring, but before he can Cole grabs him from behind and hits a release half nelson suplex that drops Viper right on the back of his head. Cole leaves the ring and nails Crete from behind with a forearm just as he was getting the upper hand on Adrenaline. Johnny scurries away and pulls Viper, who is barely moving out of the ring, and DROPS him on the concrete floor with a DDT. On the other side of the ring, Crete escapes from Cole and leaps to the apron and springs off the bottom rope for a moonsault, but Cole catches Crete and drops him with a HEADLINER on the FLOOR!! OH MY GOD!! Cole rolls Crete back into the ring and is climbing on the apron, the referee checks to see if Crete is still alive, so he doesn’t see Adrenaline BURY a chair into Cole’s ribs, knocking him off the apron, and misses the chair shot that warps Cole’s skull and leaves him lying. Adrenaline rolls into the ring, pulls Crete up, ADRENALINE RUSH! Cover, one, two, three, NEW CHAMPION!!!
WINNER in 15:57 and NEW PHWF N-Sanity Champion, Johnny Adrenaline
JF: Johnny Adrenaline wins the N-Sanity Title!!
DE: THAT’S THE GREATEST TITLE CHANGE I HAVE EVER S…..
JF: Seriously Don, shut the fuck up. That was a great match, but it was nowhere NEAR the greatest title match ever.
DE: Can he say fuck on tv?
Pun: He just did
DE: Fine, fine, fine, maybe it wasn’t the greatest title change ever, but you don’t have to yell.
JF: Fine, no more yelling, from EITHER of us, deal?
DE: DEAL! Oh uh, deal!
JF: It’s time for our main event, Chris Alt defends his PHWF World Title against Attitude Adjuster, LD Williams and MGB, three men that are his sworn enemies
DE: Yeah they don’t like him very much Joey
JF: I think I just said that
DE: Yes you did
JF: Let’s just go to the ring
CHRIS ALT vs. LD WILLIAMS vs. MGB vs. ATTITUDE ADJUSTER – PHWF World Heavyweight Title Match
Much like the Concrete TG match, the heels all come to the ring first and congregate in the center of the ring, although this time they seem to be rationally discussing strategy. Chris Alt comes out and makes his way about halfway down to the ring and sees his conspirators and stops and slowly takes off his title belt and holds it high in the air, then sprints to the ring, slides under the bottom rope and attacks all three men with rights and lefts. Alt clotheslines MGB over the top rope to the floor, Attitude Adjuster charges at Alt, but Alt sidesteps and sends AA over the top rope to the floor. Alt turns to face LD Williams, but before he can do anything, Williams gets in a kick to the midsection and drops Alt with a DDT! Williams rolls him over and covers, but both MGB and AA grabs Williams legs and pull him out of the ring. The three stand there and argue, which gives Alt time to get to his feet, hit the ropes and connect with a baseball slide that sends Williams and MGB crashing heads. With them down, Alt grabs AA by the hair and pulls him on the apron and tries to suplex him into the ring, but AA blocks it, grabs him by the head and drops off the apron, guillotining him on the top rope. Alt falls back into the ring, AA slides in and covers, but MGB gets in and breaks up the pin attempt with an elbow to the back of the head. MGB throws AA out of the ring, pulls Alt up and nearly decapitates him with a clothesline. MGB covers, but both AA and Williams break it up. The action continues like this for another twenty minutes, Alt takes a helluva beating, but no one can get a three count because someone is always breaking it up. Finally, Alt is out in the middle of the ring, MGB is climbing the ropes for a flying elbow when LD Williams catches him on the top rope and is trying a suplex off the top. AA catches them both and shoves them over the top rope to the floor. MGB hits hard, Williams lands on his feet. LDW jumps back onto the apron and grabs AA and slams his heat into the ring post. AA staggers back into the ring, but before Williams can capitalize, MGB grabs him from the outside and they brawl. Alt, seizes his opportunity and grabs a dazed AA and rolls him up from behind for the three count!
WINNER in 27:51 – and STILL PHWF World Heavyweight Champion – Chris Alt
After the match, LD Williams frees himself from MGB and rolls back into the ring and grabs Alt, spins him around and plants him with a DDT. LD Williams stands over Alt, holding the PHWF Title, then drops it on his chest and heads to the back
JF: Alt retains his title, but what price did he have to pay? LD Williams seems to have made a statement tonight, he wants that title!
DE: When those two meet it is going to be THE GRE…..
JF: Don….
DE: Ummmm, oh yeah, it will be an outstanding display of athletic competition, it could quite possibly develop into one of the classic matches of all time.
JF: Much better. Pun do you have anything to add?
Pun: Go Cubs?
JF: That’s why they pay him the big bucks folks! It looks like we are out of time! For Don East and Pun I am Joey Fashions see you on May 15th, LIVE from Delamar Ghost Town, Nevada!
<note, I still think the PHWF has potential, and I hate to see it die. If/when Lock gets back this is his baby and he can scrap the whole thing if he likes and pick up where he left off and there are no hard feelings at all. Let’s see what we can do while he is gone.>
Joey Fashions: Welcome to PHWF six, A New Beginning! I am Joey Fashions and we are coming to you from beautiful downtown Cour d’Alene Idaho! With me as always is Don East
Don East: Thank you Joey, I gotta say this may be THE GREATEST PHWF CARD EVER!! OF ALL TIME!!!
JF: Calm down killer, joining us tonight is the boss himself, please welcome Pun!
Pun: Joey, Don, good to be here.
DE: Pun I gotta ask you, what is going on with Capslock? I hear the rumors, the boys in the back are all talking, where is FF Capslock?
Pun: Well, I can’t say a whole lot as it is an ongoing investigation, but right now we are treating it like a missing person case
JF: Is Moosehead Jack a suspect?
Pun: That is out of my hands right now
JF: Fair enough. We have a great lineup tonight, we have been off for over a month so I know the boys are as anxious to get to the ring as we are. We start first with an appetizer, SYB takes on local legend Thomas Builds-The-Fire.
DE: Thomas Builds-The-Fire is one of the GREATEST local talents I have EVER seen! He is phenomenal!!!
JF: Pun is this guy someone you might want to add to the PHWF roster? We remember his legendary match with Mark Vander a few years ago, is this a try out?
Pun: Well, you can never say never, we are always looking for talent, let’s see what he can do.
JF: and with that, let’s go to the ring
SYB vs. THOMAS BUILDS-THE-FIRE
SYB comes to the ring, and the crowd boos him heartily. He mocks the fans as he comes down and makes fun of Idaho the entire time. Thomas Builds-The-Fire is out next and the place comes unglued. TBTF climbs to the top rope and poses for the fans, and SYB attacks from behind. SYB pulls Thomas off the top rope and lays into him with chops and kicks backing Thomas into the corner. SYB taunts the crowd with an Indian war whoop, this does not sit well with the fans or with Thomas. Thomas explodes out of the corner and BRUTALIZES SYB with chops backing SYB to the center of the ring. Thomas does his Indian war dance around the ring, then levels SYB with a chop to the top of the head. Thomas pulls SYB to his feet and sends him to the ropes and drops him with a Samoan drop, then climbs the ropes and waits for SYB to get to his feet. As SYB gets up, Thomas leaps and nearly decapitates SYB with a clothesline. Thomas covers and gets a two count, SYB somehow gets his foot on the bottom rope. Thomas pulls SYB to his feet, but SYB stops him cold with a thumb to the eye. SYB chokes Thomas on the top rope, then slams him face first into the corner turnbuckle. Thomas falls to one knee in the middle of the ring and SYB kicks him to the mat, then stands proudly over him and once again, taunts the crowd. SYB does the ultra-cocky one foot cover and gets two, but Thomas grabs his foot and sends him to the mat, then pounces on SYB and locks in the Indian Death Lock (what else?) SYB screams in pain and struggles to get to the ropes, but he has no chance. Finally SYB is forced to tap and the crowd goes crazy.
WINNER in 5:05 – Thomas Builds-The-Fire
JF: WHAT AN UPSET!!!
DE I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN UPSET LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE!! THAT WAS THE GREATEST THING EVER!! OH!!! MY!!! GOD!!!!
JF: Hey, that is my line! So Thomas Builds-The-Fire scores the win to send the crowd home happy…
Pun: Well I hope they aren’t leaving yet
JF: That’s just an expression Pun, no one is leaving, not with the Battle of the Ryan’s up next!
DE: NEVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BUSINESS HAVE WE WITNESSED TWO MEN PUT THEIR ENTIRE EXISTENCE ON THE LINE IN A MATCH!!!
JF: Well, I think that might be a bit much, the loser just has to change…..
DE: EVER!!!!!!!!!!
Pun: We need to switch him to decaf.
JF: This IS decaf
Pun: Oh
DE: WE NEED TO GO TO THE RING AND GET THIS EPIC GREATEST FRUITY FRUITY OH SO GODDAMN FRUITY I JUST WANT TO TEAR MY CLOTHES OFF AND ROLL AROUND IN A PILE OF SKITTLES AND FLOWER PETALS, MY GOD ARE THEY GOOD!! GO TO THE RING!! NAME VERSUS NAME OH MY GOD HHHHHRRRRRNNNNNGGGHHH!!!
Pun: Did he just…..
JF: TO THE RING!!
RYAN TAB vs. RYAN INSERT – Loser changes their name
Insert makes his way to the ring, but stops by the announce table and has a word with GM Pun. Pun is seen shaking his head then throwing his hands up. Hmmm wonder what that is about. Insert sprints the rest of the way to the ring (which is only a few feet) and talks to the announcer. He announces that this will be a no disqualification match. While Tab is introduced, Insert fills the ring with plunder. Tab gets a running start, slides under the bottom rope, grabs a garbage can lid and crowns Insert as he stands up, this one is underway! Tab goes to down hammering Insert with shots with the lid, then tries a whip to the ropes, but Insert reverses it, and throws a chair at Tab as he rebounds off the ropes. Tab goes down in a heap, and comes up bloody. Insert grabs a leather strap and whips the hide off of Tab, then pulls him to his feet, wraps the belt around his neck and throws him over the top rope, but Tab catches himself, skins the cat, and throws Insert over the top rope to the floor. The action builds for nearly twenty dramatic minutes, as both men fight for their lives. Finally the epic ending is set. The two men have stacked two tables on top of one another near the back concourse, and have fought their way to the top. The two men teeter on the edge, Insert tries to snap off a hurracarana sending Tab over the rail to the floor, but Tab holds on and drops Insert! Insert crashes through the first table, but not the second, remember these guys only weigh one fifty soaking wet. So Tab climbs on the apron and hits a FUCKING REMARKABLE 1800 degree SSP sending Insert through the table!!! Crowd erupts into a WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Chant, the referee decides that this is as good a time as any to make the three count, and counts Insert out.
WINNER in 22:42 – Ryan Tab
JF: WOW! That was one of the more remarkable things I have ever seen!!
Pun: Is he ok?
DE: GREATEST <wheeze> THING <coughwheeze> EVER <gaspwheezecough>
JF: he is just hyperventilating, he’ll be fine
Pun: he is turning purple
JF: Violet! You’re turning violet Violet!!
Pun: does our medical coverage cover this?
JF: We have medical coverage?
Pun: Oh yeah, well give him a bag or something
DE: UNBELIEVABLE <wheeze> BETTER THAN…<wheeze wheeze>…….
JF: That’s ok Donnie, you just get your breath back and we are going to head to the ring for our next match between Spin “Freakin” Hansen and possible criminal suspect Moosehead Jack. You think this will be bloody?
Pun: it has potential
JF: Let’s go to the ring
SPIN HANSEN vs. MOOSEHEAD JACK
Moose and Spin come out from the back already brawling. The camera catches the referee in the ring throw his hands up already. Not a good sign. Moose rakes Spin’s eyes and drags him over to the guardrail and bounces his head off the railing, then throws him through a wooden board announcing the upcoming Coeur d’Alene Potato Fest. Moose grabs a piece of the splintered wood and jabs Spin in the head, drawing a copious amount of blood. Jack is momentarily distracted by a fan screaming for his head, which allows Spin time to call for a chair from the audience, Spin catches it, turns, and BRAINS Moose. Moose staggers but doesn’t go down, so Spin grabs a piece of the broken board and breaks it over Moose’s head. Spin drags Moose back to the ring and rummages around on the outside, through the plunder left by the feuding Ryans, and pulls out a barbed wire baseball bat. Hansen rakes the bat across Moose head drawing blood, or actually opening up old wounds. Spin pulls Moose to his feet and sends him to the ropes for a spine buster, but Spin lowers his head just a little too soon and Moose plants him with a DDT. Jack slips out of the ring and is rummaging around on the outside for something when a fan in a hoodie jumps over the railing and LEVELS Moose with a clothesline! What the hell? Who is this? He takes the hood off and it’s OUTBACK JACK!! WHAT THE HELL??? Spin leaves the ring and argues with Jack for a moment, so Jack grabs a chair and waffles Spin in the head. Jack looks around at the confused crowd, and sees that security is on their way to the ring, and hops the rail and escapes through the crowd! The referee has no choice but to call this one a no contest!
WINNER – No Contest in 11:49
DE: OUTBACK JACK!! OUTBACK JACK!! HE DOESN’T WORK FOR THIS COMPANY…..does he?
Pun: No he does not
DE: OH MY GOD THAT WAS THE GREATEST RUN IN I HAVE EVER SEEN!!! NOT SINCE THE DAYS OF THE NWO OH MY!!!! OH, OH OH BUY MY KNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!
Pun: Did he just……
JF: yeah
Pun: again?
JF: Kid’s got stamina. But Pun, what on earth was that all about? Outback Jack is NOT a PHWF employee! We know he is involved in a brutal feud with Moosehead Jack, but that is in the OOWF, what is going on here?
Pun: I don’t know Joey
JF: You are a man of few words Pun
Pun: Indeed
DE: Man, I need a cigarette, and a nap. So what’s going on Joey, shouldn’t we discuss the next match coming up. Is it hot in here? Feels kinda humid. Sticky, ya know?
JF: That is disgusting. Up next we have a Tag Team Triple Shot, the champions Courtney Shaw and Master Gator defend their titles against the GOP and Kenji and Knife
DE: COURTNEY SHAW HAS BOOBIES JOEY!! BOOBIES!!!!
JF: That tends to happen to women Don.
DE: Think she would let me touch them?
JF: No
DE:Even if I giver her one of my knives….AT THE SPECIAL DISCOUNT RATE OF ONLY $14.99 FOLKS THAT IS ALMOST CRIMINAL!!! I SHOULD BE LOCKED UP FOR A PRICE THAT LOW!! LOOK AT THE STEEL ON THIS ONE!! IT IS AT LEAST 4% PURE STEEL HAND CRAFTED IN TOGA!! YOU CAN NOT GET QUALITY LIKE THIS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!!! ANY-WHERE!!!!
JF: Why do you pay him?
Pun: Discount knives, they make nice gifts.
JF: Let’s go to the ring
COURTNEY SHAW & MASTER GATOR vs. THE GOP vs. KENJI & KNIFE – PHWF World Tag Team Title Match
The GOP comes to the ring first and hands out buttons in support of the GOP, since Idaho is a red state they receive a fairly warm welcome. Kenji and Knife are out next, Knife, being a religious zealot is cheered, while Kenji, being a foreigner, is not. Finally, the champs come out. They get a warm welcome. The champs hand the titles to the referee and this one is underway. Kenji and Knife attack Tex and Eco, Kenji grabs Eco and throws him over the top rope to the floor, while Knife chases Tex around the ring, Tex runs for his life, and finally slides under the ropes. The four men gather on the outside forming a convenient pile of bodies, Courtney gets a running start and dives between the ropes, at the same time Gator leaps over the top rope, they crash into the pile and send bodies flying everywhere. Courtney gets to her feet and grabs Tex and slams him to the floor, then spring boards off the bottom rope and drops a leg across his chest. Gator and Kenji pummel Eco while Knife waits for Gator to turn back around, when he does, Gator gets his head kicked off with a super kick. We spend the next 25 minutes with general tag team mayhem, until finally we have Courtney, Gator and Tex in the ring. Courtney and Tex set Tex up for a spike pile driver, but Knife slips in and breaks up the move. While Knife and Gator duke it out, Courtney grabs Tex and is about to eliminate him, when BILL O’REILLY runs into the ring!!! What the hell? O’Reilly berates Courtney about being a woman and pretty much everything else, Court has had enough and she hauls off and nails Bill with a forearm to the side of the head. Court turns around and at the same time Knife aims a super kick at Gator’s head, Gator ducks and the kick catches Courtney square in the jaw! Tex seizes the opportunity and rolls Courtney up while Knife pulls Gator to the mat. The referee moves into position and makes the three count, and we have new tag team champions!
WINNERS in 33:10 and NEW PHWF World Tag Team Champions – The GOP
DE: THAT HAS TO BE THE FIRST REPUBLICAN RUN IN IN WRESTLING HISTORY!!!!
JF: No, I am pretty sure it was not. But Pun, perhaps you can answer this question: why was Bill O’Reilly in Idaho, and why was he interfering in a wrestling match? Can you answer that?
Pun: Nope
JF: Well you heard it here first, Pun can’t explain it, so it looks like we have NEW PHWF World Tag Team Champions, the GOP.
DE: and if you call 1-900-909 PHWF right now, you can get this GOP Title Win Collector’s plate, Joey look at the gold gilding on this plate. This plate captures the exact moment that the GOP scored their history making win. Folks these plates are limited, only 50,000 were minted, so if you call now, we are throwing in a bonus, yes a bonus, we will give you this, one of a kind, Attitude Adjuster knitted remote cozy! Nothing says ATTITUDE like keeping your remote cozy!!
JF: Pun, seriously, why do we put up with this?
Pun: …….”Yeah put me down for twelve plates, yeah, now I get a free cozy with each plate? Perfect. Yeah I have Attitude too! By credit card, the numbers? I should be in the system, look under Punisher, The, yep that’s me…..”
JF: Why do I even try? Does ANYONE care that we have an N-Sanity match next? Anyone? At all? No? Let’s go to the ring.
CONCRETE TG vs. JOHNNY ADRENALINE vs. VIET CONG VIPER vs. CHRIS COLE – PHWF N-Sanity Title Match
Crete finds himself in a bit on an unenviable spot this week, defending the title against three men who really don’t like him. I wonder how that will work out for him? Cole, Viper and Adrenaline all come to the ring, and they stand in the ring and argue over who will be the one to pin Crete. The exchange of words gets a bit heated and things come to blows as Crete is making his way to the ring. Johnny bails out, and Viper and Cole don’t seem to notice. As Crete makes his way to the ring, he sees the fight break out in the ring, and pulls up a chair from a ringside fan and grabs some popcorn and enjoys the fight. What Crete doesn’t see is Johnny Adrenaline make his way around the ring and level Crete with a clothesline, knocking Crete off of the chair to the floor. Adrenaline gets some good shots in on Crete before Viper and Cole notice what is going on outside of the ring. Viper goes to leave the ring, but before he can Cole grabs him from behind and hits a release half nelson suplex that drops Viper right on the back of his head. Cole leaves the ring and nails Crete from behind with a forearm just as he was getting the upper hand on Adrenaline. Johnny scurries away and pulls Viper, who is barely moving out of the ring, and DROPS him on the concrete floor with a DDT. On the other side of the ring, Crete escapes from Cole and leaps to the apron and springs off the bottom rope for a moonsault, but Cole catches Crete and drops him with a HEADLINER on the FLOOR!! OH MY GOD!! Cole rolls Crete back into the ring and is climbing on the apron, the referee checks to see if Crete is still alive, so he doesn’t see Adrenaline BURY a chair into Cole’s ribs, knocking him off the apron, and misses the chair shot that warps Cole’s skull and leaves him lying. Adrenaline rolls into the ring, pulls Crete up, ADRENALINE RUSH! Cover, one, two, three, NEW CHAMPION!!!
WINNER in 15:57 and NEW PHWF N-Sanity Champion, Johnny Adrenaline
JF: Johnny Adrenaline wins the N-Sanity Title!!
DE: THAT’S THE GREATEST TITLE CHANGE I HAVE EVER S…..
JF: Seriously Don, shut the fuck up. That was a great match, but it was nowhere NEAR the greatest title match ever.
DE: Can he say fuck on tv?
Pun: He just did
DE: Fine, fine, fine, maybe it wasn’t the greatest title change ever, but you don’t have to yell.
JF: Fine, no more yelling, from EITHER of us, deal?
DE: DEAL! Oh uh, deal!
JF: It’s time for our main event, Chris Alt defends his PHWF World Title against Attitude Adjuster, LD Williams and MGB, three men that are his sworn enemies
DE: Yeah they don’t like him very much Joey
JF: I think I just said that
DE: Yes you did
JF: Let’s just go to the ring
CHRIS ALT vs. LD WILLIAMS vs. MGB vs. ATTITUDE ADJUSTER – PHWF World Heavyweight Title Match
Much like the Concrete TG match, the heels all come to the ring first and congregate in the center of the ring, although this time they seem to be rationally discussing strategy. Chris Alt comes out and makes his way about halfway down to the ring and sees his conspirators and stops and slowly takes off his title belt and holds it high in the air, then sprints to the ring, slides under the bottom rope and attacks all three men with rights and lefts. Alt clotheslines MGB over the top rope to the floor, Attitude Adjuster charges at Alt, but Alt sidesteps and sends AA over the top rope to the floor. Alt turns to face LD Williams, but before he can do anything, Williams gets in a kick to the midsection and drops Alt with a DDT! Williams rolls him over and covers, but both MGB and AA grabs Williams legs and pull him out of the ring. The three stand there and argue, which gives Alt time to get to his feet, hit the ropes and connect with a baseball slide that sends Williams and MGB crashing heads. With them down, Alt grabs AA by the hair and pulls him on the apron and tries to suplex him into the ring, but AA blocks it, grabs him by the head and drops off the apron, guillotining him on the top rope. Alt falls back into the ring, AA slides in and covers, but MGB gets in and breaks up the pin attempt with an elbow to the back of the head. MGB throws AA out of the ring, pulls Alt up and nearly decapitates him with a clothesline. MGB covers, but both AA and Williams break it up. The action continues like this for another twenty minutes, Alt takes a helluva beating, but no one can get a three count because someone is always breaking it up. Finally, Alt is out in the middle of the ring, MGB is climbing the ropes for a flying elbow when LD Williams catches him on the top rope and is trying a suplex off the top. AA catches them both and shoves them over the top rope to the floor. MGB hits hard, Williams lands on his feet. LDW jumps back onto the apron and grabs AA and slams his heat into the ring post. AA staggers back into the ring, but before Williams can capitalize, MGB grabs him from the outside and they brawl. Alt, seizes his opportunity and grabs a dazed AA and rolls him up from behind for the three count!
WINNER in 27:51 – and STILL PHWF World Heavyweight Champion – Chris Alt
After the match, LD Williams frees himself from MGB and rolls back into the ring and grabs Alt, spins him around and plants him with a DDT. LD Williams stands over Alt, holding the PHWF Title, then drops it on his chest and heads to the back
JF: Alt retains his title, but what price did he have to pay? LD Williams seems to have made a statement tonight, he wants that title!
DE: When those two meet it is going to be THE GRE…..
JF: Don….
DE: Ummmm, oh yeah, it will be an outstanding display of athletic competition, it could quite possibly develop into one of the classic matches of all time.
JF: Much better. Pun do you have anything to add?
Pun: Go Cubs?
JF: That’s why they pay him the big bucks folks! It looks like we are out of time! For Don East and Pun I am Joey Fashions see you on May 15th, LIVE from Delamar Ghost Town, Nevada!