OOWF Judgment Eve III Pay Per View
Aug 31, 2008 19:01:46 GMT -5
Post by Jack Quinn on Aug 31, 2008 19:01:46 GMT -5
OOWF Judgment Eve III PPV
Live! From Qeqetarsauq, Greenland
(due to circumstances beyond my control – at least mostly I think – the original ppv was lost, with only half a match to write, sending me into a level of pissed off that I haven’t been to since December 2006. The only things that could be redone are the Stank-Davin match, thanks to Tommy, and the Maury Reveal, thanks to Fire and Sop. So since I could not fire off 9 matches in less than 24 hours and have them be anything even remotely close to worth your time to read it, we are going to do OOWF Damage Control: Pay Per View Edition, unless that gets lost too)
Russ: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to OOWF Judgment Eve III Live From Qeqetarsaug Greenland! As always joining me are Nash
Nash: Yo
Russ: And former ECW world champion, Razz
Razz: Good to be here in Qeqetarsaug
Nash: Before today you had never even HEARD of Qeqetarsaug
Razz: What’s your point?
Russ: Folks, this is a very special OOWF pay per view. Due to some unforeseen technical and contractual difficulties, the majority of the video footage from the show can not be shown right now. This show will be very similar to the Damage Control shows from a few years ago.
Razz: Hey, it’s a nice change of pace for us, that’s for sure
Nash: This doesn’t have anything to do with what happened in the hotel room last night with the midgets and the horse does it?
Razz: There are midgets in Greenland?
Nash: You’re here aren’t you?
Razz: Fuck you
Russ: If we can get things started, the show opened with Davin Moreland facing Stank for the number one contender spot. I have to say I have not been particularly fond of the new attitude Davin has developed over the last few months. What he did to Phantos was questionable at best
Nash: Russ, you have to do whatever it takes when you are fighting to get a word title shot, if that means power bombing your grandma through a table, then that is what you do.
Razz: Normally I would agree with you, and I think that strategy has worked well so far for Davin, but that is not going to fly with Stank. Stank will not be intimidated, and he will not be distracted for this match, despite what has been going on.
Russ: Well if he has any hopes of winning this match, he better put this situation behind him. Let’s head to the tape to see how this one plays out.
DAVIN MORELAND vs. STANK - #1 Contenders Match
Nonpoint’s “Skin” fires up with a whole bunch of pyro as the Former World Champion Stank makes his way down the ramp to thunderous applause. He climbs in the ring and bounces off the ropes a few times. “Pull Me Under” starts up along with more pyro; and Davin Moreland makes his way down the ramp. He doesn’t acknowledge the fans, and his ovation is loud, but not AS loud as it normally is; and Davin seems to notice. He does his customary double jump into the ring, and nods to referee Angelo Barros. Barros checks on Stank who nods as well, and Barros calls for the bell…WE’RE UNDERWAY!
Stank offers a fist bump to start the festivities, but Davin looks at him like he’s crazy, which kind of pisses Stank off. They lock up, and Stank quickly works an Arm bar into a Hammerlock. We’re doing THIS again? The crowd already starts to shit on it as Davin does the two shoulder slaps (clearly), before reversing into his own Hammerlock. More shitting on it from the crowd. Stank slaps his shoulder twice as well, and looks to reverse it into his own. But Davin, instead of playing nice, spins around with Stank in the opposite direction, and hits a SWEET Belly-to-Belly-Suplex, and the crowd are fans of that. Davin decides not to catch his breath after heaving the big guy, so he goes into some quality STOMPING offense, with the stomps and the stompity-stomps, and the stompity-stompity stomps. For Randy Orton this is a finisher, but for Davin, this only gets a long one count. Davin pulls Stank up, but Stank gets a surge of energy and TOSSES Davin into the corner! Stank hits three or four shoulder blocks before just WHALING away on Davin’s face. Haymakers, lefts and rights are landing from all directions until Davin slumps down in the corner. Stank starts to kick Davin’s head repeatedly before Barros has to physically get in the way and shove Stank back. Stank is clearly shown as saying “YOU WANNA PLAY, DAVIN?” as he’s getting shoved away.
As Davin is pulling himself up by the ropes, Stank rumbles over to Davin, and pulls him up…ONE Power bomb…TWO power bombs…STANKBOMB! Instead of covering, Stank throws Davin into the corner again, and runs the ropes…STANKONIA 2.0! The cover gets a LONG 2-count, as Davin just does get a shoulder up, so much so that Stank starts yapping at Barros. This gives Davin time to pull himself up again, but Stank sees it coming and SPEARS him out of his shoes! Stank motions to the crowd, most of whom are does shitting on him (some are not), and hefts Davin onto his shoulders…He’s looking for the STANK-U! He gets Davin up, but on the way down, Davin REVERSES into a TOR-NA-DO DDT! Both men are down, and Barros starts a count. Stank is up first at 6, and he is still trying to shake out the cobwebs. He’s able to get to Davin however and pull him up. He tries to WHIP Davin to the ropes, but Davin holds on and whips Stank in the opposite direction…RIGHT INTO ANGELO BARROS! REF BUMP!~!~!!!!
Stank hesitates for a second and looks like he might even check on Barros, but he never gets the chance, because Davin LEAPFROGS Stank and Stun-Guns him right on the top rope. Davin lands cleanly on the outside, and doesn’t slow down as he hits a SLINGSHOT DROPKICK on the staggering Stank. The big man staggers back more. HEADSCISSORS TAKEOVER, and Stank hits the floor. SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT connects. Davin notes that Barros is still out, so he locks on a SHARPSHOOTER! Stank slowly crawls across the ring screaming in pain the whole way, until he finally gets the ropes. There’s no ref however, so Davin seems to have no intention of letting go, even after Stank says “DAMMIT DAVIN, I HAVE THE ROPES!” Stank is trying ANYTHING to get out of the hold, twisting, turning, climbing up the ropes, anything. Three full minutes have passed until FINALLY Stank starts tapping. Davin doesn’t stop. Stank taps some more. Davin doesn’t stop. Stank says “I GIVE, STOP!” Davin doesn’t stop. Finally Stank’s cries of pain stop and eventually he passes out. Almost as if Davin can feel it happen, he finally let’s go of the hold, to a very mixed reaction. Davin goes to check on Barros, and sees that there’s still no movement (because recovering from a ref bump can take a long time). He grins and goes back over to the motionless Stank. He picks Stank up with a Dead Lift, and PRESS SLAMS him over the top rope to the floor!
Davin’s out quickly, and makes a beeline for the Ring bell. He’s got it, and repeatedly rams it into Stank’s head, eventually hitting a gusher. Satisfied with the blood apparently, he just guns the bell down at Stank’s head, and grabs two STEEL CHAIRS (not CHAIR though)! He places one under the right (the knee that Davin just torqued for five minutes) knee, and holds the other up.
Russ: BAH GAWD…THIS IS REPREHENSIBLE! THERE’S NO NEED FOR THIS! THAT’S ENOUGH!
SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! Repeated shots over and over and over on the knee braced by the chair underneath it.
Russ: BAH GAWD…HE’S GONNA END HIS CAREER!
More shots and more shots and even more shots, at least fifteen in all until Davin’s satisfied and SLAMS the chair on Stank’s head.
Russ: Oh no…DAVIN? HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH?
Clearly, it’s time for housecleaning on the Nunavutian Announce Table, and Davin is accommodating. Finally satisfied, he’s got the Corpse Formerly Known As Stank, picks him up and hits an ELEVATED DIAMOND CUTTER THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE!
Both men are down and CONCRETE TG comes down the ramp to a HUGE OVATION with a Chair (not CHAIR, just the regular kind), and goes flying to the pile of humanity.
Russ: Thank GOD SOMEONE CAME DOWN HERE!
Crete finally gets down and holds the Chair back, and gets SPEARED into the STEEL POST by Davin! The crowd REALLY doesn’t like this much at all. However, Davin didn’t account for a bloody, beaten up Stank showing the Heart of a Champion and STANK-U-ing Davin on the floor.
Everyone is down, except for Barros who is moving. So is Crete, and so is Davin. Crete’s up first, and sees Davin moving. He lines up and tries to wipe out Davin once and for all, but DAVIN DUCKS! And Crete DESTROYS STANK WITH A CHAIR SHOT! Poor Crete. Crete goes to attend to Citizen Stank, but ignores Davin, who just NAILS Crete with a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER! Barros is finally ambulatory, and starts a count. Davin shoves the lifeless Stank into the ring, and follows him in at 7. Davin lifts Stank onto his shoulder, and climbs up to the top turnbuckle…ELEVATED DIAMOND CUTTER! This one is over! Davin does a “C’Mon Baby” cover for the three count
WINNER in 26:17 by PINFALL…DAVIN MORELAND! Davin Moreland is the #1 Contender to the OOWF World Heavyweight Championship.
Russ: There was just no reason for Davin Moreland to do some of the things he did during that match
Nash: Sure there were Russ, it’s the world title, you do everything you can, and then some if that’s what it takes to win.
Razz: Yeah I have to agree there, you do what you have to when it comes to the title.
Russ: No. There is more than the world title. That son of a bitch Davin went out of his way to injure Stank, and why? I’ll tell you why, Davin Moreland is a damn COWARD!
Razz: Wow, strong words there Russ
Nash: Yeah I have to say I am pretty shocked by this.
Russ: Stank is Davin’s teammate on Team Rick. There is more to this than the world title. Davin is JEALOUS, that’s right, I said it, he is JEALOUS of Stank, always has been.
Nash: Those are some strong words there Russ
Russ: It is my sincere opinion. If it were not for this war, Davin Moreland would show his true colors
Razz: Well, before we end up with Davin Moreland here on the set, maybe we should move on to our next match?
Russ: Fine. Our next match is Poe picking up a win against ZK DeBeers
Nash: Poe is a very interesting character, he is like one of those men that just waits in the wings biding his time, but when that time is right, he strikes
Razz: Yeah, you don’t think much of him, like tonight, it was pretty routine destruction of DeBeers, who is in quite a funk here lately, but at any given moment, he will strike, and whoever he strikes at, will not be happy
Russ: Well you know damn well who he is going to strike at, he has some SERIOUS unfinished business with Alexander Darling
Nash: Yeah, the boy wonder will not be liking life when Poe decides he is tired of waiting.
Russ: I do find one thing odd, why would Tytan choose Poe to be in the cage?
Razz: Easy Russ, he is as neutral as they come. He doesn’t really like anyone, so he is not going to be swayed by the sides in this war.
SPIN HANSEN vs. TYSON KINCAID vs. APOCALYPTIC EXISTENCE vs. DAMON WRATH – Gauntlet Match
Russ: Spin Hansen got the win here, and this really had to improve his chances of a title shot. But it was more than that, this was also a bit of a coming out party for Tyson Kincaid.
Razz: Well Kincaid started things off with Apocalyptic Existence and got the win there, then took on a very game Damon Wrath to move into the final part of the match against Spin Hansen, but couldn’t quite get it done.
Nash: Gauntlet matches are tough to win, especially if you are one of the first into the ring. Kincaid should be able to use this as something to build on however.
Russ: One odd thing during this match, during the finals, when Kincaid was facing Spin Hansen, there were two people who came out at the top of the ramp. The first was the mysterious man in the black hood that we have seen making appearances during Tytan and Poe’s matches recently, any idea what is up with that?
Nash: Not a clue
Razz: Yeah I have my suspicions on who it could possibly be, but I have no idea what his motives are.
Russ: The second person that was an even bigger surprise to me, was when Firewoman came to the top of the ramp to watch the action.
Razz: Well, I have to think that she was doing a little bit of scouting, both Tyson and Spin are legit contenders to the Onslaught title that she wants back from AA in the worst way imaginable
Nash: Well, lets not forget that Fire and Kincaid DO have a bit of a history there, so maybe it was as simple as her watching an old friends match.
Russ: Nash you know damn well that the simple answer is never the correct answer in the OOWF.
DH MAGNUSSON vs. SEAMUS MCNASTY
Russ: Folks this one was just a good old fashioned fight, and Magnusson continues his climb up the ranks with a win over a very determined Seamus McNasty
Razz: You know, in all seriousness, I thought both men were dead when Magnusson hit that belly to back suplex off the apron and through the table.
Nash: Ahh yes, the old belly to back suplex off the apron and through the table, I first used that move in 1972 against Killer Kowalski – rest in peace my friend – at the old Boston Garden.
Razz: And tore your quad
Nash: How did you know?
Razz: Lucky guess I guess
Russ: Magnusson appears to be in line for SOME sort of title shot, wouldn’t you agree?
Razz: Sure, I mean, you know he would like to get at Attitude Adjuster, but right now Fire is taking her shots, LD Williams is a fighting champion who would likely love to face the challenge that is Magnusson, and that leaves…..
Razz: Alexander Darling and that Intercontinental title.
Russ: I can’t really see Darling jumping at the chance to face his stablemate for the title. It seems like there is enough dissention in the ranks right now without Magnusson chasing the IC title as well.
Nash: Hey, that’s how it goes when you are the champion. You can’t refuse to face some one in the name of team unity
Russ: Well if he does go after it, I am sure he will do it with far more class than Davin Moreland has displayed recently
Nash: Damn Russ, did he kick your dog too?
ERIC O’MAC & MOOSEHEAD JACK vs. CONCRETE TG & OUTBACK JACK
Nash: This was a WAR! This reminds me of my old nWo days when we would face guys like Sting and Luger, when he was a face and not with us, the hate between these four men, you can just FEEL it
Russ: Well you know the history between Moose and Crete, those two do not like a single thing about one another, but I was surprised at the ferocity between Jack and Eric
Razz: It really seemed like Jack and Crete picking up the win was completely secondary to just trying to inflict as much pain as possible on your opponent
Russ: Yeah Crete and Jack won, but I really don’t think that that made one bit of difference to them. The rumors I have heard back stage is that Crete is looking for a match against Moose at the big four year anniversary show
Razz: You would think that after all these years those two would have run out of ways to inflict pain on one another.
Nash: I don’t think they will EVER run out of ways to hurt one another.
Russ: I think Eric O’Mac and Outback Jack have both developed a reputation recently of being among the most violent men in OOWF history, it would seem that at some point, they are headed for a showdown as well.
IHOP & THE AMNESIAC vs. INSANE HOMELESS BUNNY – Campeonas de Trios Championship Match
Russ: The champions retain their titles, but not due to their own accord. The monstrous Fezzik somehow managed to get involved in the match and cost Insane Homeless Bunny a chance to head back to North America with the titles
Nash: That Fezzik is HUGE! Who knew they grew them that big in Iceland!
Razz: Seriously I sawr him in the back before the show and I literally came up to his waist!
Nash: That wasn’t Fezzik, that was Lord Littlebrook Razz.
Razz: You know, one of these days Nash, I am going to take one of these little elfin fists and jam it down your throat, pull out your spleen, then shove that up your ass, how would you like that?
Nash: If you think you can do it…….
Russ: Gentlemen, calm down. Let’s talk about the trios title, this is a new title here in the OOWF, but it is becoming one of the more hotly contested titles
Razz: Hey, look, it gives some guys to win gold that might not normally have that chance. I mean look at the champs right now, IHOP kind of fell out of the tag team title race after losing the belts, but they managed to chase the Trios titles and they have once again claimed gold
Nash: Hey anytime you can get gold around your waist, it is a good day.
Russ: I am sure that Insane Homeless Bunny will get another shot at the belts, and I can only assume that Fezzik will not be making the trip with us back to North America, so the sides SHOULD be a little more even.
ATTIDUDE ADJUSTER vs. FIREWOMAN – OOWF Onslaught Championship Match
Russ: Attitude Adjuster retained his title, but that isn’t even the big story, that dastardly Attitude Adjuster was going to hit Firewoman, AGAIN, with a tennis racket! I never thought I would say these words, but thank God for Tyson Kincaid
Nash: You know, I talk a lot about my past in this business, the things I have done, and the things I have seen. When I spent some time in WCW, I learned psychology from one of the best wrestlers in the business in Ric Flair. This whole thing is Attitude Adjuster’s way of getting into Firewoman’s head. Now, that said, there is a fine line between psychology and desperation, and I think Attitude Adjuster may be pushing up against that desperation line.
Razz: I have to agree here, I mean, Attitude Adjuster is a world class athlete, and he is also one of the smartest men in wrestling. He managed to get into Fire’s head, and it cost her the Onslaught championship. Right now though, I think Fire is showing that she is not falling for Attitude Adjuster’s tricks anymore. She wants that title, and the fact that AA would stoop to using a tennis racket only shows the levels of desperation he is sinking to
Russ: I think the bigger question about this match is, what was Tyson Kincaid doing there? Ostensibly, he and AA are on the same side in this war, why would he help Fire?
Razz: Well we saw Fire come out earlier during Kincaid’s gauntlet match, we know they have a past history that neither seems to want to come completely clean about……
Nash: C’mon guys, just say it. There is speculation all over the back, and the wrestling world as a whole that Tyson Kincaid is the father of Firewoman’s baby.
Russ: There is nothing confirmed about that, Nash, you know as well as anyone else the kind of rumors that get started in wrestling locker rooms
Razz: But where there is smoke, there is generally fire Russ….
Russ: Well we no longer have to wait, next up is a segment revealing just who is the father of Firewoman’s child.
Maury Comes to Greenland
It’s just moments after an epic Onslaught Title Match between Attitude Adjuster and Firewoman. Beethoven’s 5th blasts over the sound system and out from the back steps one LJ Bennett and he has a microphone.
LJ Bennett: Firewoman, enough is enough and you can stop your delaying. I told you we would find out who the father of your bastard child is. And we will find out right NOW!.
The crowd starts an “Asshole” chant towards Bennett but it doesn’t seem to affect him much as Firewoman grabs a microphone from the ring announcer.
Firewoman: Fine Bennett. I have no idea why you think this is your business or anyone else’s and why you feel like you need to get involved; but as usual you will get what you want. But we’re not going to do this your way, we’re going to do it mine. Alex, if you wouldn’t mind coming on out.
The Maury Povich Show theme hits and Alexander Darling makes his way out onto the entrance ramp with D.H. Magnusson and looking none to pleased to be coming out with Darling is WWE Superstar, Chris Jericho. It looks like they’ve put aside their differences for the time being though as D.H. and Jericho, while both being on “The List” are also out here to support their friend and possibly more in Firewoman. All three guys give Bennett a look as they pass him and then they make it into the ring as D.H. and Alexander stare down Attitude Adjuster and Tyson Kincaid who have stayed in the ringside area.
Bennett: Enough with the theatrics. Get on with it and tell us who the father is already or do you still not know because you’re such a …
Chris Jericho: I’d watch your fucking mouth LJ. I don’t have a contract here and nothing is stopping me from coming out there and punching you right in the face like another bitch who got involved in something that didn’t concern her.
Firewoman: Chris, don’t please. I can handle this. I appreciate you coming here, but just let me take care of everything. Alex, I guess you’re on now.
Alex takes his usual perch on top of one of the turnbuckles as the OOWF stagehands start scrambling and bringing in A LOT of chairs and getting the ring prepared for the upcoming show. As they get closer to finishing up, one of the stagehands hands Darling a clipboard with a whole bunch of envelopes. Alex taps on the microphone a few times.
Alexander Darling: Okay then. It doesn’t make me happy to be out here and doing this to someone I am really close with, but we’ve been backed into a corner and it’s probably better to get everything out in the open about this. Tyson, Alan, if you could step into the ring and take a seat and D.H. and Chris, you as well.
The four men take seats as far away from one another as possible and all seem to be eyeing each other up and down and wondering if any of them could be the father, or even if they themselves could be.
Alexander: Alright then, now there was a list posted and if I could have everyone who went to medical and submitted a blood sample to determine paternity come down to the ring and we can get this all sorted out.
Generic OOWF Music hits and the first people we see step out from the back are Firewoman’s partners, yes ALL of them, in Run DEA…Phantos, Lucios, a bandaged and hobbling Davin Moreland, Justin Sane, Carl from Fresno, and Firewoman’s own personal valet Lucky. Following the members of Run DEA is Icelandic Bellboy Sven and OOWF resident hero, Concrete Takakon Gryfon. Behind them are Seamus and Poe with Selena. And then bringing up the rear is Eric O’Mac and Moosehead Jack.
Everyone gets in the ring and they are all eyeing each other and the situation is really tense for the most part. Except, we see Lucky and Alexander conversing over something and then Alex hands over a plain white envelope to Lucky who just nods even though he has a weird look on his face.
Alexander: It looks like we now have everyone we need in the ring. If we can all take a seat…
A few people, especially Moose and Poe give Alexander looks of death but the reluctantly take a seat as well. Everyone except for Selena who slowly walks up to Firewoman and drops to her knees in front of her…hey, this is a family show…oh wait, she places her head on Firewoman’s stomach and starts rubbing it. Firewoman looks more than a little disturbed by this, but she steps back rather quickly and looks like she wants to kill Selena. Luckily Alexander jumps in rather quickly…
Alexander: Poe…if you wouldn’t mind.
Poe: Selena, my dear…come over here please.
Selena: But her stomach, there is someone there and they said hello to me. I want one of my own.
Poe smirks,
Do you my goddess? In time…but for now, let us go through this charade and play their games.
Selena: I love games.
Selena jumps to her feet and bounces over to Poe and jumps up on his lap as he starts to stroke her hair…I said HAIR, people.
Firewoman: Alex, someone is actually missing…
Alexander: Another one…really Fire?
Firewoman: Don’t make me kill you. But Larry if you wouldn’t mind traveling the extra 20 feet…
Alexander: Actually Fire, that won’t be necessary.
Firewoman: And why is that?
Alexander: Well, because I happen to have one Lawrence Jay Bennett’s results right here and there’s not a chance he’s the father.
Firewoman: Oh, is that so?
Darling and Fire appear to have had something planned as this looks completely staged.
Bennett: Don’t either one of you dare.
Jericho: Bennett, I told you what would happen if you kept…
Alexander: Chrissy, you will get your say in due time…
Jericho: Hey assclown, don’t make me….
Firewoman: SHUT UP…both of you.
Alexander and Chris both put their heads down and look ashamed for a moment.
Firewoman: Alexander, you were saying…
Alexander: Right, right…Well, Mr. Bennett, I can say with 100% certainty that you are not the father of Firewoman’s child.
Firewoman: In fact, you will not be fathering anyone ever again. See, men your age Bennett sometimes have a problem in certain aspects of the bedroom.
Alexander Fuck the niceties. You can’t get it up LJ. You’re an impotent old man in the bedroom. And soon here in the OOWF. Now get the fuck out of here.
LJ Bennett is furious. He is glaring death at Darling who just nonchalantly stares back. Firewoman smiles somewhat evilly. Finally, after a tense few moments, Bennett turns back on his heel and storms to the back and we can hear Bennett muttering…
Bennett: You want to embarrass me…you’ll see who’s impotent you arrogant brat.
Alexander lets the situation settle down some before he takes another look at the clipboard and he seems to be contemplating which results he pulls out next. Firewoman tries to look over and Alexander turns away to keep her prying eyes off his little clipboard.
Alexander: I think we should start with those closest to Fire during her time here in the OOWF. Specifically her allies within Run DEA; Davin Moreland, Phantos, Lucios, Carl from Fresno, Justin Sane and myself, Alexander Darling. The results are in and it’s time to find out if any of us are indeed the father of Firewoman’s child.
Phantos: Alexander, as Team Captain, this is completely unnecessary. I have already admitted to being the baby daddy. If you can all just…
Lucios: Phantos, we know you aren’t…
Phantos: There’s a lot you don’t know about me.
Lucios: I know, I know.
Phantos: But really. I know I’m the daddy. I can feel it, so I want everyone to leave. Let me and Fire talk about things.
Davin: See, Phantos is admitting it. So, umm, yea, I’m not the father so I’m-a gonna go now.
Carl: Can I come? I really need a sammich.
Justin: What is it with you and sammichs? And LADDER is always back there just hanging around. Don’t make me go there.
Phantos: I know I’m the father.
Lucios: Are not.
Phantos: Am too.
Lucious: Are not.
Phantos: Am too.
Lucios: Are too.
Phantos: Am not…wait…man, that’s not nice Lucios.
Davin is just about to step through the ropes and we see that Firewoman is getting more and more aggravated as she sees him about to leave, hears the argument between Lucios and Phantos and notices that even Justin and Carl are getting frustrated with one another.
Firewoman: Enough…all of you. I can’t deal with placating all of you. This is difficult enough without you being an unfeeling jerl, Davin, and the rest of you making it more about you and what you want. So let’s just get this all over with, besides I bet you wanna know too, Alex.
Alexander: They’re all sorry Fire. As I was saying; I have the results for each member of Run DEA in my hands so lets go through them. First, Carl we can confirm with certainty that you are NOT the father.
Carl: Huh…didn’t you say I could get a cheese steak today if I came out here for this?
Alexander: Sure, Justin…why don’t you take him since you are also NOT the father. Moving on, tag team division killers Lucios and Phantos, tests were run multiple times for you since we needed to be sure after Phantos’s confessions, but we can say with absolute, without a doubt, guaranteed certainty, that neither of you are the father.
Phantos: HA…I told you all I was…wait, did you say wasn’t?
Alexander: I’m sorry Phantos, but you are not.
Phantos: First Jamie, now Li…Fire…why can’t I ever be the one they choose?
Lucios: It’s okay buddy. They’re your friends, those are more important. Besides I think Emma’s been sitting quietly in the back waiting for you.
Phantos: You think she might wanna…
Lucious: There’s lots you don’t know about her…
Phantos: Cute.
Alexander: And that leaves us with two more members…Davin, I would give you your results next, but since you’ve been an inconsiderate prick recently, you can just sit there and keep waiting.
Davin: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Alexander: Right now, I’m the one who didn’t try to send an ally to the hospital tonight. So sit there and shut up for a change.
Davin looks pissed as Lucios consoles Phantos as they head up the aisle way just a few steps behind Carl and Justin, as Justin makes sure that Carl doesn’t steal any of the kids in audience popcorns.
Alexander: With regards to my own potential for the paternity of this child…before I open this, Firewoman…I promise I will support you no matter what this says…
Alexander slowly opens the envelope with his name on it and he takes it out and slowly reads it over before he sighs and puts his head down. He hands the clipboard to Lucky…
I am NOT the father.
Alexander breaks into a dance that looks remarkably like this –
Firewoman glares at him:
As if I would ever let you touch me.
Alexander: Sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me. Let’s move on now…Davin, you can keep waiting as we move onto four men that each have their own history with Firewoman. The extents of this history is mostly unknown, but today we will know if any of them have gotten biblical with her. Let’s move on to Concrete Gryfon, Seamus McNasty, Eric O’Mac, and Poe. If any of you would like to say something at this point, please do.
Concrete: Citizen Fire, I think it is time we end this charade. You know my name is only on the list to be…
Firewoman: Oh shut up you. Alex, read his damn results already so he can leave.
Alexander: Sorry to tell ya stud…time to get out. You are NOT the father. I guess our restraining order is still in effect.
Firewoman: Now please leave me alone Crete.
Concrete: Certainly Citizen Fire…I would not want to add more stress to your delicate condition…
Firewoman: GET OUT! OUT! OUT!
Crete just nods as he steps out of the ring and up the ramp. Alexander eyes the remaining men with his eyes quickly passing over Poe until they land on Eric O’Mac.
Alexander: So tell me something Eric, did all those yoga lessons Fire tried to give you while we were in DEA get to you? Become too much for you to handle? Are you the father of this child?
Eric: I never watched nor took her stupid lessons. Hell, I wouldn’t touch her with Beast’s dick.
From deep in the bowels of the arena we hear Kayfabe yell…
NO RAPE!
Firewoman: Are you still jealous that my Onslaught reign was better than yours? That I’ve been a real champion here more recently than you?
Eric: Fuck you Fire. I am the PHWF World Heavyweight Champion.
Davin: Looks like a pretty, pretty princess belt to me.
Eric: Go fuck yourself Davin.
Firewoman: Hey Eric…Yo sé todo acerca del Trueno en Puerto Rico.
Eric starts to stare at Firewoman with a cold, dark look and we can see his rage starting to build.
Alexander: Let’s everyone settle down. This is not good for you or the baby Fire. And Eric, clearly you have not used you own dick and if Alexis…anyway, you’re NOT the father of the child.
Eric: Ask me if I fucking care.
Eric throws down his microphone and he leaves with a really smug, condescending look back towards the ring. But hidden in that look we can tell he is still disturbed by something that Firewoman’s said to him. Again Alexander looks around the ring as he quickly moves past Poe once again before resting on Seamus McNasty.
Alexander: Seamus McN…
Seamus: You can stop right there Alex, my friend. My forklift of fun has not entered that garage in a long time. Once upon a…
Selena: Master…it is still singing to me. I want that one. I feel connected to it.
Firewoman: I swear Alex that if you don’t get her out of here…
Alexander: Could you not stir that up right now…please, we’re dealing with enough as it is.
Firewoman just glares more…alternating between Alexander, Seamus, and Selena at the moment.
Alexander:Mr. McNasty, you are correct and off the hook. You can leave now as you are NOT the father of this unborn child.
Seamus: Awesome! Now I can go to the pub to celebrate. Good day all!
All of a sudden Poe starts to laugh at the proceedings in the ring. Alexander starts to lose his cool as he hears the laugh get louder and louder.
Alexander: Poe is there anything…
Poe: Remember who you are talking to boy. I was just finding this whole situation humorous.
Firewoman: I’m glad you find this funny. Tell your girl to stop looking at me like that.
Poe smirks,
Poe: Selena, my dear, please do not vex Firewoman any further. She might get angry and that would certainly not be pleasant for anyone here, and I do mean anyone.
Poe finishes with a pointed look at both Firewoman and Alexander.
Alexander: Threaten me all you want you sick fuck. Go near her and I swear that what I’ve done to you in the past…
Poe starts to stand up just as Alexander loosens his tie but before anything further could happen Firewoman and Selena seem to calm them down for the moment.
Alexander: Poe…Firewoman was smart enough to stay away from you in Japan and it seems like her intelligence has carried over here and we can confirm that you are NOT the father. You may go now.
Poe: I’ll go, but me and you have unfinished business boy. It will be finished soon. Namasdeh boy, namasdeh.
With a nasty look as she says it towards Alexander but a bright smile towards Firewoman
Selena: Nevermore.
Everyone left in the ring takes a long deep breath while Poe and Selena make their exit. Alexander takes a moment to confer with Lucky and Firewoman and he nods.
Alexander: Davin, we made you wait long enough. Go relax and remember who your friends are and how you treat them. Remember what is TRULY important. You’re NOT the father either.
Davin gives a half-glare, but nods as he gingerly steps out of the ring and makes his way towards the back where he is met by Samantha Darling who helps him the rest of the way. Alexander looks interested for a moment before he looks back down at the clipboard. He does a double-take before walking to the ropes and looking down at the doctor who did the testing.
Alexander: Are you sure this is who’s next?
The doctor just nods and Alexander turns back to the ring. He looks over the gentlemen left before his eyes come to rest on Firewoman and he almost looks really sad at what he’s about to do.
Tyson: Wait. I have something I need to say.
Firewoman looks at Tyson Kincaid with eyes wide. Jericho is clearly annoyed with Tyson, and he tries to get Alex to cut him off, but Alex ignores Chris and motions for Tyson to go ahead.
Tyson: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I am NOT the father of Firewoman’s child. That does not preclude me from feeling that I am involved in this whole mess though.
Kincaid addresses Firewoman specifically,
Everyone here knows that you and I have a history with one another. But what that history is will need to wait to another night. Probably Mayhem, if it doesn’t get erased by Microsoft. Now is not the time to burden you with anything more. I do hope you realize and appreciate what I’m doing for you by keeping silent. For tonight.
It looks like Tyson has nothing else to say even as Attitude Adjuster and Moosehead Jack both begin to look for more answers while Firewoman continues to stay expressionless. Alexander starts where he left off before Tyson asked for some time to speak…
Alexander: coughHOMOcough!
Moving on, Christopher…we’ve never been friends. We probably never EVAR will be anything other than acquaintances, but there probably couldn’t have been a better choice to receive a positive result in this test. I know how much you care about her, but right now I regret to tell you, you’re NOT the father of Firewoman’s child.
Jericho just nods and looks down for a moment before walking over and giving Firewoman a long hug before stepping to her side and grabbing her hand. It doesn’t look like he plans on leaving.
Alexander: Okay, moving on to D.H. Magnusson—
Firewoman: Stop. Please. There’s no need for any more blood tests, Maury. Alexander smirks. She sighs, and looks at Jericho, who nods as if to say “Go ahead, it’s fine.”
D.H., you’ve been a great friend to me since the suspension, and I’ll never forget how great you’ve been. But, as you already know. It’s not you.
D.H. nods, and pats Firewoman on the head, in a way that’s totally not patronizing at all.
You see, there’s only two people on this stage with whom I’ve actually – well, ‘been with’ since joining OOWF. One, of course, is Jericho.
The fans cheer, as Jericho waves.
Firewoman: However, the timing is wrong, as this overseas trip has really cut into our togetherness time.
D.H. Magnusson: Sven. I knew it.
Firewoman: It’s not Sven.
Moosehead Jack: Ha! That’s a lie.
Firewoman: Sven is a wonderful guy, and very handsome. But all we did was hang out and drink. NOTHING HAPPENED.
The crowd murmurs, as they thought they had this all worked out. Sven looks around and says something in Icelandic. From somewhere in the back, Davin yells “Gimmick infringement doesn’t sparkle with me!”
Attitude Adjuster: I don’t believe that. Your reputation—
Tyson: I think you need to not say another word about her reputation.
Attitude Adjuster: Aaaaaah….now it’s starting to become clear. How overprotective you are, despite your pretty speech. I thought it was Darling at first, but now—
Alexander: Hey, leave me out of this.
Firewoman: If I may continue? The men shut up. The father of my child is….
She takes a deep breath and looks at each man before she continues. The crowd falls to a hush.
Firewoman: The father of my child is….ATTITUDE ADJUSTER.
The crowd is silent for a minute, and then erupts as everyone tries to make sense of it. The men in the ring are stunned, although Alex doesn't appear to be greatly surprised. But not nearly as stunned as the man just named!
Attitude Adjuster: That is a DIRTY LIE! You lying sleazy whore —
He barely gets the word out before D.H., Alexander, and Jericho start after him. Moose pulls him back. Moose appears impressed and amused at this turn of events.
Moosehead Jack: I’d say you have some explaining to do Fire.
Attitude Adjuster: I wouldn’t touch you with a tennis racket.
Firewoman: If I recall correctly, you already did. And turns out, it wasn’t your tennis racket I had to watch out for.
The crowd laughs.
Attitude Adjuster: When do you claim this actually happened?
Firewoman: It happened in Mianus.
The crowd erupts with laughter, and the men in the ring try really hard not to laugh, but fail miserably. Firewoman looks at them for a minute, then realizes what she said.
Oh alright, can we please grow up? Attitude … I guess I can call you Alan now. Alan, it happened after you lost a great deal of money at the casino and apparently spent the rest on whiskey. You came up to my room—
Attitude Adjuster: I would never even think about coming to your room, you skank. God knows what kinds of diseases I would catch.
D.H. Magnusson: I’m not warning you again. You watch your tone when talking to the mother of your child.
Attitude Adjuster: It’s not mine!!
Firewoman: I thought you might deny this, so I’ve prepared a little slide show of security photos. Truck monkeys, please?
The OOWF-Tron fires up. A picture of Attitude Adjuster in the hallway of a hotel appears. Even though it’s a still photo, it’s obvious he’s been drinking, by the way he’s leaning against the wall as he walks. The next slide, shows him in front of a hotel door, leaning against it as he knocks.
Attitude Adjuster: What? But…. I….
Firewoman: You pounded on the door, as you can see here, and kept slurring my name. I had to open the door, as you see in this next picture, so you’d stop disturbing the other guests.
The next slide shows the door open, with a sleepy Firewoman wearing a short robe inside, trying to hold up an apparently collapsing Attitude Adjuster.
Attitude Adjuster: That’s… But….
Firewoman: I tried to turn you down, I really did. But I just have a weakness for men .. well, for men in weakened conditions. They’re so compliant, they let me do anything I want. I’m afraid I just couldn’t resist your charms, Alan. Drunken and sloppy though they were.
Attitude Adjuster: I…. You…. No, it didn’t happen… I mean, I thought the bruises were from falling down a stairwell or something…
Firewoman: The pictures don’t lie, Alan.
Chris Jericho: Okay, I’ve been quiet through this. Fire and I have a unique relationship, it’s true, but it’s time for you to step up and take some responsibility. If you don’t, I will be very unhappy with you.
D.H. Magnusson: Count me in with that, Chris.
Alexander: Strangely… me too.
Attitude Adjuster: I refuse to believe it. I know I lost a bundle that night, and I…. I drank a lot….and I woke up in a room-
Firewoman: That wasn’t yours?
Attitude Adjuster: Yeah, it was room 105, and I was in room 207.
Firewoman: Truck monkeys, show a close up on the door.
They comply. It clearly shows Room 105. Attitude Adjuster is speechless, he’s clearly in a state of shock. Jericho gets up close to him.
Chris Jericho Do the right thing. Seriously.
Slowly people start to leave the ring. Firewoman is the last to leave, and turns and looks at Attitude Adjuster, as he’s still standing in the ring. They share a look for a moment. Firewoman hops down, assisted by DH Magnusson and Alexander Darling. She starts to walk up with them, but then turns back, and reaches under the ring for something. She pulls out a slightly charred tennis rack, looks at it and then at Attitude Adjuster with a blank expression, and tosses it into the ring. It lands at his feet. He looks at it, stunned, and then looks back up as the rest of the group disappears behind the curtain.
Russ:……..
Razz:……..
Nash:……..
Russ: I…….I don’t know what to say, ATTITUDE ADJUSTER?
Razz: I am speechless
Nash: This is…….wow
Russ: If WE are experiencing this much shock, what could possibly be going through Attitude Adjuster’s mind right now?
Nash: He hit her in the stomach with the racket…….his own child…..
Russ: I…….I just have no idea what else to say, let’s move on to our next match
PHANTOS & LUCIOS vs. THE WORLDS GREATEST FAG TEAM vs. THE DEAD & BLITZ
Russ: The champions retain….
Razz: Yeah, but, you know, not to take anything away from the champs, but a whole lot of it had to do with MacCappington and Hardcore’s inability to get along with Dead and Blitz.
Nash: Yeah, this was a real wasted opportunity for Team Bennett, they had a chance to bring the tag team titles back into the fold, and they couldn’t get the job done
Russ: We have seen infighting on both sides now, and I have to wonder something, so far this war has been kept going because of team unity on both sides, but I think it is clear to see that the unity that bound these two teams is starting to fall apart. What happens when that breaks down completely?
Nash: When you lose unity on both sides, the war stops being a war as we know it. Once you lose the cohesiveness that kept both sides together, you bog down into anarchy, every man for himself
Razz: And when that happens, then there really can’t be any winners, I mean, you have thirty plus people on this roster, you get them all looking out for their best interests, and it is anarchy.
Russ: But wouldn’t the weakening resolve on either side lead to a speedier resolution?
Nash: I am afraid it wouldn’t. Not sure if you noticed or not, but wrestlers are a stubborn bunch.
Russ: Indeed they are. Let’s look at our next match of the evening.
ALEXANDER DARLING vs. CHRIS COLE – OOWF Intercontinental Title Match
Russ: Chris Cole could not solve Alexander Darling tonight, and he goes down to defeat after a butterfly pile driver.
Nash: Darling won, and he got the clean win, but not without a price. That shoulder of his took a TON of damage tonight, he may not be the same.
Razz: And you don’t realize how much you use your shoulder until it hurts and you can’t use it. This is going to be a serious problem for Darling in the future
Nash: And he might as well have a bull’s-eye on that shoulder too, every opponent he faces knows he is not 100% and that shoulder will be the first thing they target.
Russ: That appears to be the way it is going to work. Alexander Darling is nothing if not resilient though
Razz: But at a certain point, if you are too injured to play, you are going to sit on the sidelines.
Nash: Speaking of sitting on the sidelines, you see what I did there Russ?
Russ: Yes, you set up the main event. Tytan faces LD Williams. Tytan had to survive a grueling series of matches to reach this point, but give him credit, he has made it.
Nash: Ad he got to pick the stipulations in this match, and I have to say I am a little surprised by his decision, not so much the Hell in the Cell, but the fact that Tytan chose to have men INSIDE the cage with him.
Razz: I think you have to wonder about Tytan, there is no question the man has the physical skills to win the title, but does he have the mental make up to win it? This is his first high profile match, on pay per view, against arguably the best wrestler in the OOWF today, it will be interesting to see if the situation overwhelms him.
LD WILLIAMS vs. TYTAN – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Hell In The Cell Match – Stank, Davin Moreland, Poe and Moosehead Jack Special Enforcers Inside the Cage
Russ: What an amazing match!
Razz: Tytan has nothing to be ashamed of there, he fought the match of his life, but just came up a little short tonight
Nash: It is certainly something to build off of for Tytan
Russ: However, once again, Davin Moreland decided he needed it make it al about him. Was there ANY reason for him to hit LD Williams with the title after the match?
Nash: Well, I think he was aiming for Tytan actually….
Russ: Please, we all know Davin’s aim is not that bad, he was doing this to send a message to LD Williams. It seems amazing to me that he could turn his back on Stank all for the sake of the title.
Razz: Well, after what he did to Stank earlier today, and the shot he took at LD tonight, I think Davin may have a little bit of explaining to do.
Russ: Folks we are completely out of time! Thank you for joining our abbreviated version of OOWF Judgment Eve III Pay Per View! For Razz and Nash, I’m Russ, join us again next time!
Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Hell On Earth IV/4 Year Anniversary Show, Live September 28 from Dayton, Ohio! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF Mid-Week Mayhem Live! September 3rd, from Burnside Harbor, Nunavut Canada!
For all your OOWF shopping needs, check out www.cafepress.com/oowfshirts
Join us for OOWF Chat on Wednesday nights!
Live! From Qeqetarsauq, Greenland
(due to circumstances beyond my control – at least mostly I think – the original ppv was lost, with only half a match to write, sending me into a level of pissed off that I haven’t been to since December 2006. The only things that could be redone are the Stank-Davin match, thanks to Tommy, and the Maury Reveal, thanks to Fire and Sop. So since I could not fire off 9 matches in less than 24 hours and have them be anything even remotely close to worth your time to read it, we are going to do OOWF Damage Control: Pay Per View Edition, unless that gets lost too)
Russ: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to OOWF Judgment Eve III Live From Qeqetarsaug Greenland! As always joining me are Nash
Nash: Yo
Russ: And former ECW world champion, Razz
Razz: Good to be here in Qeqetarsaug
Nash: Before today you had never even HEARD of Qeqetarsaug
Razz: What’s your point?
Russ: Folks, this is a very special OOWF pay per view. Due to some unforeseen technical and contractual difficulties, the majority of the video footage from the show can not be shown right now. This show will be very similar to the Damage Control shows from a few years ago.
Razz: Hey, it’s a nice change of pace for us, that’s for sure
Nash: This doesn’t have anything to do with what happened in the hotel room last night with the midgets and the horse does it?
Razz: There are midgets in Greenland?
Nash: You’re here aren’t you?
Razz: Fuck you
Russ: If we can get things started, the show opened with Davin Moreland facing Stank for the number one contender spot. I have to say I have not been particularly fond of the new attitude Davin has developed over the last few months. What he did to Phantos was questionable at best
Nash: Russ, you have to do whatever it takes when you are fighting to get a word title shot, if that means power bombing your grandma through a table, then that is what you do.
Razz: Normally I would agree with you, and I think that strategy has worked well so far for Davin, but that is not going to fly with Stank. Stank will not be intimidated, and he will not be distracted for this match, despite what has been going on.
Russ: Well if he has any hopes of winning this match, he better put this situation behind him. Let’s head to the tape to see how this one plays out.
DAVIN MORELAND vs. STANK - #1 Contenders Match
Nonpoint’s “Skin” fires up with a whole bunch of pyro as the Former World Champion Stank makes his way down the ramp to thunderous applause. He climbs in the ring and bounces off the ropes a few times. “Pull Me Under” starts up along with more pyro; and Davin Moreland makes his way down the ramp. He doesn’t acknowledge the fans, and his ovation is loud, but not AS loud as it normally is; and Davin seems to notice. He does his customary double jump into the ring, and nods to referee Angelo Barros. Barros checks on Stank who nods as well, and Barros calls for the bell…WE’RE UNDERWAY!
Stank offers a fist bump to start the festivities, but Davin looks at him like he’s crazy, which kind of pisses Stank off. They lock up, and Stank quickly works an Arm bar into a Hammerlock. We’re doing THIS again? The crowd already starts to shit on it as Davin does the two shoulder slaps (clearly), before reversing into his own Hammerlock. More shitting on it from the crowd. Stank slaps his shoulder twice as well, and looks to reverse it into his own. But Davin, instead of playing nice, spins around with Stank in the opposite direction, and hits a SWEET Belly-to-Belly-Suplex, and the crowd are fans of that. Davin decides not to catch his breath after heaving the big guy, so he goes into some quality STOMPING offense, with the stomps and the stompity-stomps, and the stompity-stompity stomps. For Randy Orton this is a finisher, but for Davin, this only gets a long one count. Davin pulls Stank up, but Stank gets a surge of energy and TOSSES Davin into the corner! Stank hits three or four shoulder blocks before just WHALING away on Davin’s face. Haymakers, lefts and rights are landing from all directions until Davin slumps down in the corner. Stank starts to kick Davin’s head repeatedly before Barros has to physically get in the way and shove Stank back. Stank is clearly shown as saying “YOU WANNA PLAY, DAVIN?” as he’s getting shoved away.
As Davin is pulling himself up by the ropes, Stank rumbles over to Davin, and pulls him up…ONE Power bomb…TWO power bombs…STANKBOMB! Instead of covering, Stank throws Davin into the corner again, and runs the ropes…STANKONIA 2.0! The cover gets a LONG 2-count, as Davin just does get a shoulder up, so much so that Stank starts yapping at Barros. This gives Davin time to pull himself up again, but Stank sees it coming and SPEARS him out of his shoes! Stank motions to the crowd, most of whom are does shitting on him (some are not), and hefts Davin onto his shoulders…He’s looking for the STANK-U! He gets Davin up, but on the way down, Davin REVERSES into a TOR-NA-DO DDT! Both men are down, and Barros starts a count. Stank is up first at 6, and he is still trying to shake out the cobwebs. He’s able to get to Davin however and pull him up. He tries to WHIP Davin to the ropes, but Davin holds on and whips Stank in the opposite direction…RIGHT INTO ANGELO BARROS! REF BUMP!~!~!!!!
Stank hesitates for a second and looks like he might even check on Barros, but he never gets the chance, because Davin LEAPFROGS Stank and Stun-Guns him right on the top rope. Davin lands cleanly on the outside, and doesn’t slow down as he hits a SLINGSHOT DROPKICK on the staggering Stank. The big man staggers back more. HEADSCISSORS TAKEOVER, and Stank hits the floor. SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT connects. Davin notes that Barros is still out, so he locks on a SHARPSHOOTER! Stank slowly crawls across the ring screaming in pain the whole way, until he finally gets the ropes. There’s no ref however, so Davin seems to have no intention of letting go, even after Stank says “DAMMIT DAVIN, I HAVE THE ROPES!” Stank is trying ANYTHING to get out of the hold, twisting, turning, climbing up the ropes, anything. Three full minutes have passed until FINALLY Stank starts tapping. Davin doesn’t stop. Stank taps some more. Davin doesn’t stop. Stank says “I GIVE, STOP!” Davin doesn’t stop. Finally Stank’s cries of pain stop and eventually he passes out. Almost as if Davin can feel it happen, he finally let’s go of the hold, to a very mixed reaction. Davin goes to check on Barros, and sees that there’s still no movement (because recovering from a ref bump can take a long time). He grins and goes back over to the motionless Stank. He picks Stank up with a Dead Lift, and PRESS SLAMS him over the top rope to the floor!
Davin’s out quickly, and makes a beeline for the Ring bell. He’s got it, and repeatedly rams it into Stank’s head, eventually hitting a gusher. Satisfied with the blood apparently, he just guns the bell down at Stank’s head, and grabs two STEEL CHAIRS (not CHAIR though)! He places one under the right (the knee that Davin just torqued for five minutes) knee, and holds the other up.
Russ: BAH GAWD…THIS IS REPREHENSIBLE! THERE’S NO NEED FOR THIS! THAT’S ENOUGH!
SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! Repeated shots over and over and over on the knee braced by the chair underneath it.
Russ: BAH GAWD…HE’S GONNA END HIS CAREER!
More shots and more shots and even more shots, at least fifteen in all until Davin’s satisfied and SLAMS the chair on Stank’s head.
Russ: Oh no…DAVIN? HAVEN’T YOU DONE ENOUGH?
Clearly, it’s time for housecleaning on the Nunavutian Announce Table, and Davin is accommodating. Finally satisfied, he’s got the Corpse Formerly Known As Stank, picks him up and hits an ELEVATED DIAMOND CUTTER THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE!
Both men are down and CONCRETE TG comes down the ramp to a HUGE OVATION with a Chair (not CHAIR, just the regular kind), and goes flying to the pile of humanity.
Russ: Thank GOD SOMEONE CAME DOWN HERE!
Crete finally gets down and holds the Chair back, and gets SPEARED into the STEEL POST by Davin! The crowd REALLY doesn’t like this much at all. However, Davin didn’t account for a bloody, beaten up Stank showing the Heart of a Champion and STANK-U-ing Davin on the floor.
Everyone is down, except for Barros who is moving. So is Crete, and so is Davin. Crete’s up first, and sees Davin moving. He lines up and tries to wipe out Davin once and for all, but DAVIN DUCKS! And Crete DESTROYS STANK WITH A CHAIR SHOT! Poor Crete. Crete goes to attend to Citizen Stank, but ignores Davin, who just NAILS Crete with a REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER! Barros is finally ambulatory, and starts a count. Davin shoves the lifeless Stank into the ring, and follows him in at 7. Davin lifts Stank onto his shoulder, and climbs up to the top turnbuckle…ELEVATED DIAMOND CUTTER! This one is over! Davin does a “C’Mon Baby” cover for the three count
WINNER in 26:17 by PINFALL…DAVIN MORELAND! Davin Moreland is the #1 Contender to the OOWF World Heavyweight Championship.
Russ: There was just no reason for Davin Moreland to do some of the things he did during that match
Nash: Sure there were Russ, it’s the world title, you do everything you can, and then some if that’s what it takes to win.
Razz: Yeah I have to agree there, you do what you have to when it comes to the title.
Russ: No. There is more than the world title. That son of a bitch Davin went out of his way to injure Stank, and why? I’ll tell you why, Davin Moreland is a damn COWARD!
Razz: Wow, strong words there Russ
Nash: Yeah I have to say I am pretty shocked by this.
Russ: Stank is Davin’s teammate on Team Rick. There is more to this than the world title. Davin is JEALOUS, that’s right, I said it, he is JEALOUS of Stank, always has been.
Nash: Those are some strong words there Russ
Russ: It is my sincere opinion. If it were not for this war, Davin Moreland would show his true colors
Razz: Well, before we end up with Davin Moreland here on the set, maybe we should move on to our next match?
Russ: Fine. Our next match is Poe picking up a win against ZK DeBeers
Nash: Poe is a very interesting character, he is like one of those men that just waits in the wings biding his time, but when that time is right, he strikes
Razz: Yeah, you don’t think much of him, like tonight, it was pretty routine destruction of DeBeers, who is in quite a funk here lately, but at any given moment, he will strike, and whoever he strikes at, will not be happy
Russ: Well you know damn well who he is going to strike at, he has some SERIOUS unfinished business with Alexander Darling
Nash: Yeah, the boy wonder will not be liking life when Poe decides he is tired of waiting.
Russ: I do find one thing odd, why would Tytan choose Poe to be in the cage?
Razz: Easy Russ, he is as neutral as they come. He doesn’t really like anyone, so he is not going to be swayed by the sides in this war.
SPIN HANSEN vs. TYSON KINCAID vs. APOCALYPTIC EXISTENCE vs. DAMON WRATH – Gauntlet Match
Russ: Spin Hansen got the win here, and this really had to improve his chances of a title shot. But it was more than that, this was also a bit of a coming out party for Tyson Kincaid.
Razz: Well Kincaid started things off with Apocalyptic Existence and got the win there, then took on a very game Damon Wrath to move into the final part of the match against Spin Hansen, but couldn’t quite get it done.
Nash: Gauntlet matches are tough to win, especially if you are one of the first into the ring. Kincaid should be able to use this as something to build on however.
Russ: One odd thing during this match, during the finals, when Kincaid was facing Spin Hansen, there were two people who came out at the top of the ramp. The first was the mysterious man in the black hood that we have seen making appearances during Tytan and Poe’s matches recently, any idea what is up with that?
Nash: Not a clue
Razz: Yeah I have my suspicions on who it could possibly be, but I have no idea what his motives are.
Russ: The second person that was an even bigger surprise to me, was when Firewoman came to the top of the ramp to watch the action.
Razz: Well, I have to think that she was doing a little bit of scouting, both Tyson and Spin are legit contenders to the Onslaught title that she wants back from AA in the worst way imaginable
Nash: Well, lets not forget that Fire and Kincaid DO have a bit of a history there, so maybe it was as simple as her watching an old friends match.
Russ: Nash you know damn well that the simple answer is never the correct answer in the OOWF.
DH MAGNUSSON vs. SEAMUS MCNASTY
Russ: Folks this one was just a good old fashioned fight, and Magnusson continues his climb up the ranks with a win over a very determined Seamus McNasty
Razz: You know, in all seriousness, I thought both men were dead when Magnusson hit that belly to back suplex off the apron and through the table.
Nash: Ahh yes, the old belly to back suplex off the apron and through the table, I first used that move in 1972 against Killer Kowalski – rest in peace my friend – at the old Boston Garden.
Razz: And tore your quad
Nash: How did you know?
Razz: Lucky guess I guess
Russ: Magnusson appears to be in line for SOME sort of title shot, wouldn’t you agree?
Razz: Sure, I mean, you know he would like to get at Attitude Adjuster, but right now Fire is taking her shots, LD Williams is a fighting champion who would likely love to face the challenge that is Magnusson, and that leaves…..
Razz: Alexander Darling and that Intercontinental title.
Russ: I can’t really see Darling jumping at the chance to face his stablemate for the title. It seems like there is enough dissention in the ranks right now without Magnusson chasing the IC title as well.
Nash: Hey, that’s how it goes when you are the champion. You can’t refuse to face some one in the name of team unity
Russ: Well if he does go after it, I am sure he will do it with far more class than Davin Moreland has displayed recently
Nash: Damn Russ, did he kick your dog too?
ERIC O’MAC & MOOSEHEAD JACK vs. CONCRETE TG & OUTBACK JACK
Nash: This was a WAR! This reminds me of my old nWo days when we would face guys like Sting and Luger, when he was a face and not with us, the hate between these four men, you can just FEEL it
Russ: Well you know the history between Moose and Crete, those two do not like a single thing about one another, but I was surprised at the ferocity between Jack and Eric
Razz: It really seemed like Jack and Crete picking up the win was completely secondary to just trying to inflict as much pain as possible on your opponent
Russ: Yeah Crete and Jack won, but I really don’t think that that made one bit of difference to them. The rumors I have heard back stage is that Crete is looking for a match against Moose at the big four year anniversary show
Razz: You would think that after all these years those two would have run out of ways to inflict pain on one another.
Nash: I don’t think they will EVER run out of ways to hurt one another.
Russ: I think Eric O’Mac and Outback Jack have both developed a reputation recently of being among the most violent men in OOWF history, it would seem that at some point, they are headed for a showdown as well.
IHOP & THE AMNESIAC vs. INSANE HOMELESS BUNNY – Campeonas de Trios Championship Match
Russ: The champions retain their titles, but not due to their own accord. The monstrous Fezzik somehow managed to get involved in the match and cost Insane Homeless Bunny a chance to head back to North America with the titles
Nash: That Fezzik is HUGE! Who knew they grew them that big in Iceland!
Razz: Seriously I sawr him in the back before the show and I literally came up to his waist!
Nash: That wasn’t Fezzik, that was Lord Littlebrook Razz.
Razz: You know, one of these days Nash, I am going to take one of these little elfin fists and jam it down your throat, pull out your spleen, then shove that up your ass, how would you like that?
Nash: If you think you can do it…….
Russ: Gentlemen, calm down. Let’s talk about the trios title, this is a new title here in the OOWF, but it is becoming one of the more hotly contested titles
Razz: Hey, look, it gives some guys to win gold that might not normally have that chance. I mean look at the champs right now, IHOP kind of fell out of the tag team title race after losing the belts, but they managed to chase the Trios titles and they have once again claimed gold
Nash: Hey anytime you can get gold around your waist, it is a good day.
Russ: I am sure that Insane Homeless Bunny will get another shot at the belts, and I can only assume that Fezzik will not be making the trip with us back to North America, so the sides SHOULD be a little more even.
ATTIDUDE ADJUSTER vs. FIREWOMAN – OOWF Onslaught Championship Match
Russ: Attitude Adjuster retained his title, but that isn’t even the big story, that dastardly Attitude Adjuster was going to hit Firewoman, AGAIN, with a tennis racket! I never thought I would say these words, but thank God for Tyson Kincaid
Nash: You know, I talk a lot about my past in this business, the things I have done, and the things I have seen. When I spent some time in WCW, I learned psychology from one of the best wrestlers in the business in Ric Flair. This whole thing is Attitude Adjuster’s way of getting into Firewoman’s head. Now, that said, there is a fine line between psychology and desperation, and I think Attitude Adjuster may be pushing up against that desperation line.
Razz: I have to agree here, I mean, Attitude Adjuster is a world class athlete, and he is also one of the smartest men in wrestling. He managed to get into Fire’s head, and it cost her the Onslaught championship. Right now though, I think Fire is showing that she is not falling for Attitude Adjuster’s tricks anymore. She wants that title, and the fact that AA would stoop to using a tennis racket only shows the levels of desperation he is sinking to
Russ: I think the bigger question about this match is, what was Tyson Kincaid doing there? Ostensibly, he and AA are on the same side in this war, why would he help Fire?
Razz: Well we saw Fire come out earlier during Kincaid’s gauntlet match, we know they have a past history that neither seems to want to come completely clean about……
Nash: C’mon guys, just say it. There is speculation all over the back, and the wrestling world as a whole that Tyson Kincaid is the father of Firewoman’s baby.
Russ: There is nothing confirmed about that, Nash, you know as well as anyone else the kind of rumors that get started in wrestling locker rooms
Razz: But where there is smoke, there is generally fire Russ….
Russ: Well we no longer have to wait, next up is a segment revealing just who is the father of Firewoman’s child.
Maury Comes to Greenland
It’s just moments after an epic Onslaught Title Match between Attitude Adjuster and Firewoman. Beethoven’s 5th blasts over the sound system and out from the back steps one LJ Bennett and he has a microphone.
LJ Bennett: Firewoman, enough is enough and you can stop your delaying. I told you we would find out who the father of your bastard child is. And we will find out right NOW!.
The crowd starts an “Asshole” chant towards Bennett but it doesn’t seem to affect him much as Firewoman grabs a microphone from the ring announcer.
Firewoman: Fine Bennett. I have no idea why you think this is your business or anyone else’s and why you feel like you need to get involved; but as usual you will get what you want. But we’re not going to do this your way, we’re going to do it mine. Alex, if you wouldn’t mind coming on out.
The Maury Povich Show theme hits and Alexander Darling makes his way out onto the entrance ramp with D.H. Magnusson and looking none to pleased to be coming out with Darling is WWE Superstar, Chris Jericho. It looks like they’ve put aside their differences for the time being though as D.H. and Jericho, while both being on “The List” are also out here to support their friend and possibly more in Firewoman. All three guys give Bennett a look as they pass him and then they make it into the ring as D.H. and Alexander stare down Attitude Adjuster and Tyson Kincaid who have stayed in the ringside area.
Bennett: Enough with the theatrics. Get on with it and tell us who the father is already or do you still not know because you’re such a …
Chris Jericho: I’d watch your fucking mouth LJ. I don’t have a contract here and nothing is stopping me from coming out there and punching you right in the face like another bitch who got involved in something that didn’t concern her.
Firewoman: Chris, don’t please. I can handle this. I appreciate you coming here, but just let me take care of everything. Alex, I guess you’re on now.
Alex takes his usual perch on top of one of the turnbuckles as the OOWF stagehands start scrambling and bringing in A LOT of chairs and getting the ring prepared for the upcoming show. As they get closer to finishing up, one of the stagehands hands Darling a clipboard with a whole bunch of envelopes. Alex taps on the microphone a few times.
Alexander Darling: Okay then. It doesn’t make me happy to be out here and doing this to someone I am really close with, but we’ve been backed into a corner and it’s probably better to get everything out in the open about this. Tyson, Alan, if you could step into the ring and take a seat and D.H. and Chris, you as well.
The four men take seats as far away from one another as possible and all seem to be eyeing each other up and down and wondering if any of them could be the father, or even if they themselves could be.
Alexander: Alright then, now there was a list posted and if I could have everyone who went to medical and submitted a blood sample to determine paternity come down to the ring and we can get this all sorted out.
Generic OOWF Music hits and the first people we see step out from the back are Firewoman’s partners, yes ALL of them, in Run DEA…Phantos, Lucios, a bandaged and hobbling Davin Moreland, Justin Sane, Carl from Fresno, and Firewoman’s own personal valet Lucky. Following the members of Run DEA is Icelandic Bellboy Sven and OOWF resident hero, Concrete Takakon Gryfon. Behind them are Seamus and Poe with Selena. And then bringing up the rear is Eric O’Mac and Moosehead Jack.
Everyone gets in the ring and they are all eyeing each other and the situation is really tense for the most part. Except, we see Lucky and Alexander conversing over something and then Alex hands over a plain white envelope to Lucky who just nods even though he has a weird look on his face.
Alexander: It looks like we now have everyone we need in the ring. If we can all take a seat…
A few people, especially Moose and Poe give Alexander looks of death but the reluctantly take a seat as well. Everyone except for Selena who slowly walks up to Firewoman and drops to her knees in front of her…hey, this is a family show…oh wait, she places her head on Firewoman’s stomach and starts rubbing it. Firewoman looks more than a little disturbed by this, but she steps back rather quickly and looks like she wants to kill Selena. Luckily Alexander jumps in rather quickly…
Alexander: Poe…if you wouldn’t mind.
Poe: Selena, my dear…come over here please.
Selena: But her stomach, there is someone there and they said hello to me. I want one of my own.
Poe smirks,
Do you my goddess? In time…but for now, let us go through this charade and play their games.
Selena: I love games.
Selena jumps to her feet and bounces over to Poe and jumps up on his lap as he starts to stroke her hair…I said HAIR, people.
Firewoman: Alex, someone is actually missing…
Alexander: Another one…really Fire?
Firewoman: Don’t make me kill you. But Larry if you wouldn’t mind traveling the extra 20 feet…
Alexander: Actually Fire, that won’t be necessary.
Firewoman: And why is that?
Alexander: Well, because I happen to have one Lawrence Jay Bennett’s results right here and there’s not a chance he’s the father.
Firewoman: Oh, is that so?
Darling and Fire appear to have had something planned as this looks completely staged.
Bennett: Don’t either one of you dare.
Jericho: Bennett, I told you what would happen if you kept…
Alexander: Chrissy, you will get your say in due time…
Jericho: Hey assclown, don’t make me….
Firewoman: SHUT UP…both of you.
Alexander and Chris both put their heads down and look ashamed for a moment.
Firewoman: Alexander, you were saying…
Alexander: Right, right…Well, Mr. Bennett, I can say with 100% certainty that you are not the father of Firewoman’s child.
Firewoman: In fact, you will not be fathering anyone ever again. See, men your age Bennett sometimes have a problem in certain aspects of the bedroom.
Alexander Fuck the niceties. You can’t get it up LJ. You’re an impotent old man in the bedroom. And soon here in the OOWF. Now get the fuck out of here.
LJ Bennett is furious. He is glaring death at Darling who just nonchalantly stares back. Firewoman smiles somewhat evilly. Finally, after a tense few moments, Bennett turns back on his heel and storms to the back and we can hear Bennett muttering…
Bennett: You want to embarrass me…you’ll see who’s impotent you arrogant brat.
Alexander lets the situation settle down some before he takes another look at the clipboard and he seems to be contemplating which results he pulls out next. Firewoman tries to look over and Alexander turns away to keep her prying eyes off his little clipboard.
Alexander: I think we should start with those closest to Fire during her time here in the OOWF. Specifically her allies within Run DEA; Davin Moreland, Phantos, Lucios, Carl from Fresno, Justin Sane and myself, Alexander Darling. The results are in and it’s time to find out if any of us are indeed the father of Firewoman’s child.
Phantos: Alexander, as Team Captain, this is completely unnecessary. I have already admitted to being the baby daddy. If you can all just…
Lucios: Phantos, we know you aren’t…
Phantos: There’s a lot you don’t know about me.
Lucios: I know, I know.
Phantos: But really. I know I’m the daddy. I can feel it, so I want everyone to leave. Let me and Fire talk about things.
Davin: See, Phantos is admitting it. So, umm, yea, I’m not the father so I’m-a gonna go now.
Carl: Can I come? I really need a sammich.
Justin: What is it with you and sammichs? And LADDER is always back there just hanging around. Don’t make me go there.
Phantos: I know I’m the father.
Lucios: Are not.
Phantos: Am too.
Lucious: Are not.
Phantos: Am too.
Lucios: Are too.
Phantos: Am not…wait…man, that’s not nice Lucios.
Davin is just about to step through the ropes and we see that Firewoman is getting more and more aggravated as she sees him about to leave, hears the argument between Lucios and Phantos and notices that even Justin and Carl are getting frustrated with one another.
Firewoman: Enough…all of you. I can’t deal with placating all of you. This is difficult enough without you being an unfeeling jerl, Davin, and the rest of you making it more about you and what you want. So let’s just get this all over with, besides I bet you wanna know too, Alex.
Alexander: They’re all sorry Fire. As I was saying; I have the results for each member of Run DEA in my hands so lets go through them. First, Carl we can confirm with certainty that you are NOT the father.
Carl: Huh…didn’t you say I could get a cheese steak today if I came out here for this?
Alexander: Sure, Justin…why don’t you take him since you are also NOT the father. Moving on, tag team division killers Lucios and Phantos, tests were run multiple times for you since we needed to be sure after Phantos’s confessions, but we can say with absolute, without a doubt, guaranteed certainty, that neither of you are the father.
Phantos: HA…I told you all I was…wait, did you say wasn’t?
Alexander: I’m sorry Phantos, but you are not.
Phantos: First Jamie, now Li…Fire…why can’t I ever be the one they choose?
Lucios: It’s okay buddy. They’re your friends, those are more important. Besides I think Emma’s been sitting quietly in the back waiting for you.
Phantos: You think she might wanna…
Lucious: There’s lots you don’t know about her…
Phantos: Cute.
Alexander: And that leaves us with two more members…Davin, I would give you your results next, but since you’ve been an inconsiderate prick recently, you can just sit there and keep waiting.
Davin: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Alexander: Right now, I’m the one who didn’t try to send an ally to the hospital tonight. So sit there and shut up for a change.
Davin looks pissed as Lucios consoles Phantos as they head up the aisle way just a few steps behind Carl and Justin, as Justin makes sure that Carl doesn’t steal any of the kids in audience popcorns.
Alexander: With regards to my own potential for the paternity of this child…before I open this, Firewoman…I promise I will support you no matter what this says…
Alexander slowly opens the envelope with his name on it and he takes it out and slowly reads it over before he sighs and puts his head down. He hands the clipboard to Lucky…
I am NOT the father.
Alexander breaks into a dance that looks remarkably like this –
Firewoman glares at him:
As if I would ever let you touch me.
Alexander: Sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me. Let’s move on now…Davin, you can keep waiting as we move onto four men that each have their own history with Firewoman. The extents of this history is mostly unknown, but today we will know if any of them have gotten biblical with her. Let’s move on to Concrete Gryfon, Seamus McNasty, Eric O’Mac, and Poe. If any of you would like to say something at this point, please do.
Concrete: Citizen Fire, I think it is time we end this charade. You know my name is only on the list to be…
Firewoman: Oh shut up you. Alex, read his damn results already so he can leave.
Alexander: Sorry to tell ya stud…time to get out. You are NOT the father. I guess our restraining order is still in effect.
Firewoman: Now please leave me alone Crete.
Concrete: Certainly Citizen Fire…I would not want to add more stress to your delicate condition…
Firewoman: GET OUT! OUT! OUT!
Crete just nods as he steps out of the ring and up the ramp. Alexander eyes the remaining men with his eyes quickly passing over Poe until they land on Eric O’Mac.
Alexander: So tell me something Eric, did all those yoga lessons Fire tried to give you while we were in DEA get to you? Become too much for you to handle? Are you the father of this child?
Eric: I never watched nor took her stupid lessons. Hell, I wouldn’t touch her with Beast’s dick.
From deep in the bowels of the arena we hear Kayfabe yell…
NO RAPE!
Firewoman: Are you still jealous that my Onslaught reign was better than yours? That I’ve been a real champion here more recently than you?
Eric: Fuck you Fire. I am the PHWF World Heavyweight Champion.
Davin: Looks like a pretty, pretty princess belt to me.
Eric: Go fuck yourself Davin.
Firewoman: Hey Eric…Yo sé todo acerca del Trueno en Puerto Rico.
Eric starts to stare at Firewoman with a cold, dark look and we can see his rage starting to build.
Alexander: Let’s everyone settle down. This is not good for you or the baby Fire. And Eric, clearly you have not used you own dick and if Alexis…anyway, you’re NOT the father of the child.
Eric: Ask me if I fucking care.
Eric throws down his microphone and he leaves with a really smug, condescending look back towards the ring. But hidden in that look we can tell he is still disturbed by something that Firewoman’s said to him. Again Alexander looks around the ring as he quickly moves past Poe once again before resting on Seamus McNasty.
Alexander: Seamus McN…
Seamus: You can stop right there Alex, my friend. My forklift of fun has not entered that garage in a long time. Once upon a…
Selena: Master…it is still singing to me. I want that one. I feel connected to it.
Firewoman: I swear Alex that if you don’t get her out of here…
Alexander: Could you not stir that up right now…please, we’re dealing with enough as it is.
Firewoman just glares more…alternating between Alexander, Seamus, and Selena at the moment.
Alexander:Mr. McNasty, you are correct and off the hook. You can leave now as you are NOT the father of this unborn child.
Seamus: Awesome! Now I can go to the pub to celebrate. Good day all!
All of a sudden Poe starts to laugh at the proceedings in the ring. Alexander starts to lose his cool as he hears the laugh get louder and louder.
Alexander: Poe is there anything…
Poe: Remember who you are talking to boy. I was just finding this whole situation humorous.
Firewoman: I’m glad you find this funny. Tell your girl to stop looking at me like that.
Poe smirks,
Poe: Selena, my dear, please do not vex Firewoman any further. She might get angry and that would certainly not be pleasant for anyone here, and I do mean anyone.
Poe finishes with a pointed look at both Firewoman and Alexander.
Alexander: Threaten me all you want you sick fuck. Go near her and I swear that what I’ve done to you in the past…
Poe starts to stand up just as Alexander loosens his tie but before anything further could happen Firewoman and Selena seem to calm them down for the moment.
Alexander: Poe…Firewoman was smart enough to stay away from you in Japan and it seems like her intelligence has carried over here and we can confirm that you are NOT the father. You may go now.
Poe: I’ll go, but me and you have unfinished business boy. It will be finished soon. Namasdeh boy, namasdeh.
With a nasty look as she says it towards Alexander but a bright smile towards Firewoman
Selena: Nevermore.
Everyone left in the ring takes a long deep breath while Poe and Selena make their exit. Alexander takes a moment to confer with Lucky and Firewoman and he nods.
Alexander: Davin, we made you wait long enough. Go relax and remember who your friends are and how you treat them. Remember what is TRULY important. You’re NOT the father either.
Davin gives a half-glare, but nods as he gingerly steps out of the ring and makes his way towards the back where he is met by Samantha Darling who helps him the rest of the way. Alexander looks interested for a moment before he looks back down at the clipboard. He does a double-take before walking to the ropes and looking down at the doctor who did the testing.
Alexander: Are you sure this is who’s next?
The doctor just nods and Alexander turns back to the ring. He looks over the gentlemen left before his eyes come to rest on Firewoman and he almost looks really sad at what he’s about to do.
Tyson: Wait. I have something I need to say.
Firewoman looks at Tyson Kincaid with eyes wide. Jericho is clearly annoyed with Tyson, and he tries to get Alex to cut him off, but Alex ignores Chris and motions for Tyson to go ahead.
Tyson: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I am NOT the father of Firewoman’s child. That does not preclude me from feeling that I am involved in this whole mess though.
Kincaid addresses Firewoman specifically,
Everyone here knows that you and I have a history with one another. But what that history is will need to wait to another night. Probably Mayhem, if it doesn’t get erased by Microsoft. Now is not the time to burden you with anything more. I do hope you realize and appreciate what I’m doing for you by keeping silent. For tonight.
It looks like Tyson has nothing else to say even as Attitude Adjuster and Moosehead Jack both begin to look for more answers while Firewoman continues to stay expressionless. Alexander starts where he left off before Tyson asked for some time to speak…
Alexander: coughHOMOcough!
Moving on, Christopher…we’ve never been friends. We probably never EVAR will be anything other than acquaintances, but there probably couldn’t have been a better choice to receive a positive result in this test. I know how much you care about her, but right now I regret to tell you, you’re NOT the father of Firewoman’s child.
Jericho just nods and looks down for a moment before walking over and giving Firewoman a long hug before stepping to her side and grabbing her hand. It doesn’t look like he plans on leaving.
Alexander: Okay, moving on to D.H. Magnusson—
Firewoman: Stop. Please. There’s no need for any more blood tests, Maury. Alexander smirks. She sighs, and looks at Jericho, who nods as if to say “Go ahead, it’s fine.”
D.H., you’ve been a great friend to me since the suspension, and I’ll never forget how great you’ve been. But, as you already know. It’s not you.
D.H. nods, and pats Firewoman on the head, in a way that’s totally not patronizing at all.
You see, there’s only two people on this stage with whom I’ve actually – well, ‘been with’ since joining OOWF. One, of course, is Jericho.
The fans cheer, as Jericho waves.
Firewoman: However, the timing is wrong, as this overseas trip has really cut into our togetherness time.
D.H. Magnusson: Sven. I knew it.
Firewoman: It’s not Sven.
Moosehead Jack: Ha! That’s a lie.
Firewoman: Sven is a wonderful guy, and very handsome. But all we did was hang out and drink. NOTHING HAPPENED.
The crowd murmurs, as they thought they had this all worked out. Sven looks around and says something in Icelandic. From somewhere in the back, Davin yells “Gimmick infringement doesn’t sparkle with me!”
Attitude Adjuster: I don’t believe that. Your reputation—
Tyson: I think you need to not say another word about her reputation.
Attitude Adjuster: Aaaaaah….now it’s starting to become clear. How overprotective you are, despite your pretty speech. I thought it was Darling at first, but now—
Alexander: Hey, leave me out of this.
Firewoman: If I may continue? The men shut up. The father of my child is….
She takes a deep breath and looks at each man before she continues. The crowd falls to a hush.
Firewoman: The father of my child is….ATTITUDE ADJUSTER.
The crowd is silent for a minute, and then erupts as everyone tries to make sense of it. The men in the ring are stunned, although Alex doesn't appear to be greatly surprised. But not nearly as stunned as the man just named!
Attitude Adjuster: That is a DIRTY LIE! You lying sleazy whore —
He barely gets the word out before D.H., Alexander, and Jericho start after him. Moose pulls him back. Moose appears impressed and amused at this turn of events.
Moosehead Jack: I’d say you have some explaining to do Fire.
Attitude Adjuster: I wouldn’t touch you with a tennis racket.
Firewoman: If I recall correctly, you already did. And turns out, it wasn’t your tennis racket I had to watch out for.
The crowd laughs.
Attitude Adjuster: When do you claim this actually happened?
Firewoman: It happened in Mianus.
The crowd erupts with laughter, and the men in the ring try really hard not to laugh, but fail miserably. Firewoman looks at them for a minute, then realizes what she said.
Oh alright, can we please grow up? Attitude … I guess I can call you Alan now. Alan, it happened after you lost a great deal of money at the casino and apparently spent the rest on whiskey. You came up to my room—
Attitude Adjuster: I would never even think about coming to your room, you skank. God knows what kinds of diseases I would catch.
D.H. Magnusson: I’m not warning you again. You watch your tone when talking to the mother of your child.
Attitude Adjuster: It’s not mine!!
Firewoman: I thought you might deny this, so I’ve prepared a little slide show of security photos. Truck monkeys, please?
The OOWF-Tron fires up. A picture of Attitude Adjuster in the hallway of a hotel appears. Even though it’s a still photo, it’s obvious he’s been drinking, by the way he’s leaning against the wall as he walks. The next slide, shows him in front of a hotel door, leaning against it as he knocks.
Attitude Adjuster: What? But…. I….
Firewoman: You pounded on the door, as you can see here, and kept slurring my name. I had to open the door, as you see in this next picture, so you’d stop disturbing the other guests.
The next slide shows the door open, with a sleepy Firewoman wearing a short robe inside, trying to hold up an apparently collapsing Attitude Adjuster.
Attitude Adjuster: That’s… But….
Firewoman: I tried to turn you down, I really did. But I just have a weakness for men .. well, for men in weakened conditions. They’re so compliant, they let me do anything I want. I’m afraid I just couldn’t resist your charms, Alan. Drunken and sloppy though they were.
Attitude Adjuster: I…. You…. No, it didn’t happen… I mean, I thought the bruises were from falling down a stairwell or something…
Firewoman: The pictures don’t lie, Alan.
Chris Jericho: Okay, I’ve been quiet through this. Fire and I have a unique relationship, it’s true, but it’s time for you to step up and take some responsibility. If you don’t, I will be very unhappy with you.
D.H. Magnusson: Count me in with that, Chris.
Alexander: Strangely… me too.
Attitude Adjuster: I refuse to believe it. I know I lost a bundle that night, and I…. I drank a lot….and I woke up in a room-
Firewoman: That wasn’t yours?
Attitude Adjuster: Yeah, it was room 105, and I was in room 207.
Firewoman: Truck monkeys, show a close up on the door.
They comply. It clearly shows Room 105. Attitude Adjuster is speechless, he’s clearly in a state of shock. Jericho gets up close to him.
Chris Jericho Do the right thing. Seriously.
Slowly people start to leave the ring. Firewoman is the last to leave, and turns and looks at Attitude Adjuster, as he’s still standing in the ring. They share a look for a moment. Firewoman hops down, assisted by DH Magnusson and Alexander Darling. She starts to walk up with them, but then turns back, and reaches under the ring for something. She pulls out a slightly charred tennis rack, looks at it and then at Attitude Adjuster with a blank expression, and tosses it into the ring. It lands at his feet. He looks at it, stunned, and then looks back up as the rest of the group disappears behind the curtain.
Russ:……..
Razz:……..
Nash:……..
Russ: I…….I don’t know what to say, ATTITUDE ADJUSTER?
Razz: I am speechless
Nash: This is…….wow
Russ: If WE are experiencing this much shock, what could possibly be going through Attitude Adjuster’s mind right now?
Nash: He hit her in the stomach with the racket…….his own child…..
Russ: I…….I just have no idea what else to say, let’s move on to our next match
PHANTOS & LUCIOS vs. THE WORLDS GREATEST FAG TEAM vs. THE DEAD & BLITZ
Russ: The champions retain….
Razz: Yeah, but, you know, not to take anything away from the champs, but a whole lot of it had to do with MacCappington and Hardcore’s inability to get along with Dead and Blitz.
Nash: Yeah, this was a real wasted opportunity for Team Bennett, they had a chance to bring the tag team titles back into the fold, and they couldn’t get the job done
Russ: We have seen infighting on both sides now, and I have to wonder something, so far this war has been kept going because of team unity on both sides, but I think it is clear to see that the unity that bound these two teams is starting to fall apart. What happens when that breaks down completely?
Nash: When you lose unity on both sides, the war stops being a war as we know it. Once you lose the cohesiveness that kept both sides together, you bog down into anarchy, every man for himself
Razz: And when that happens, then there really can’t be any winners, I mean, you have thirty plus people on this roster, you get them all looking out for their best interests, and it is anarchy.
Russ: But wouldn’t the weakening resolve on either side lead to a speedier resolution?
Nash: I am afraid it wouldn’t. Not sure if you noticed or not, but wrestlers are a stubborn bunch.
Russ: Indeed they are. Let’s look at our next match of the evening.
ALEXANDER DARLING vs. CHRIS COLE – OOWF Intercontinental Title Match
Russ: Chris Cole could not solve Alexander Darling tonight, and he goes down to defeat after a butterfly pile driver.
Nash: Darling won, and he got the clean win, but not without a price. That shoulder of his took a TON of damage tonight, he may not be the same.
Razz: And you don’t realize how much you use your shoulder until it hurts and you can’t use it. This is going to be a serious problem for Darling in the future
Nash: And he might as well have a bull’s-eye on that shoulder too, every opponent he faces knows he is not 100% and that shoulder will be the first thing they target.
Russ: That appears to be the way it is going to work. Alexander Darling is nothing if not resilient though
Razz: But at a certain point, if you are too injured to play, you are going to sit on the sidelines.
Nash: Speaking of sitting on the sidelines, you see what I did there Russ?
Russ: Yes, you set up the main event. Tytan faces LD Williams. Tytan had to survive a grueling series of matches to reach this point, but give him credit, he has made it.
Nash: Ad he got to pick the stipulations in this match, and I have to say I am a little surprised by his decision, not so much the Hell in the Cell, but the fact that Tytan chose to have men INSIDE the cage with him.
Razz: I think you have to wonder about Tytan, there is no question the man has the physical skills to win the title, but does he have the mental make up to win it? This is his first high profile match, on pay per view, against arguably the best wrestler in the OOWF today, it will be interesting to see if the situation overwhelms him.
LD WILLIAMS vs. TYTAN – OOWF World Heavyweight Title Hell In The Cell Match – Stank, Davin Moreland, Poe and Moosehead Jack Special Enforcers Inside the Cage
Russ: What an amazing match!
Razz: Tytan has nothing to be ashamed of there, he fought the match of his life, but just came up a little short tonight
Nash: It is certainly something to build off of for Tytan
Russ: However, once again, Davin Moreland decided he needed it make it al about him. Was there ANY reason for him to hit LD Williams with the title after the match?
Nash: Well, I think he was aiming for Tytan actually….
Russ: Please, we all know Davin’s aim is not that bad, he was doing this to send a message to LD Williams. It seems amazing to me that he could turn his back on Stank all for the sake of the title.
Razz: Well, after what he did to Stank earlier today, and the shot he took at LD tonight, I think Davin may have a little bit of explaining to do.
Russ: Folks we are completely out of time! Thank you for joining our abbreviated version of OOWF Judgment Eve III Pay Per View! For Razz and Nash, I’m Russ, join us again next time!
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