[The Canadian Content]

Stu's Frontline: Superman, Steel, Big Barda, Martian Manhunter, Zatanna, Speedy 2

Gator's 5 Pets & A Jew: Lobo the Duck, Master Splinter, Krypto, Chris Wnuk, Squirrel Girl, Spider-Man (Pavitr Prabhakar)

Vote up, bitches. Poll closes Wednesday at 4:30 Eastern.

[DevSop]

Seriously? 5 pets and a jew is winning?

SERIOUSLY?

[Lucky]

Yeah, I gotta say... I don't get it. The only reason I even consider voting for them is to be nice to Ziggy. I mean... how's Spider-Man a pet? And isn't that guy an alternate version of Spider-Man? And how the hell are Amalgam characters eligible anyway? And Krypto?!

Frontline isn't my favorite but Superman, Martian Manhunter, and Zatanna made this one simple to me.

[The Canadian Content]

Fuck Superman. And metal Superman.

[Deleted]

*Fade in to the Destroyitarium. There is a sign hanging over the place where the live bands usually play that reads "Superhero Meet & Greet". Squirrel Girl heads up to the microphone.*

Squirrel Girl: Hello, all, and welcome to the first ever Superhero Meet & Greet here in lovely Sheboygan, Wisconsin! I was thinking it would be super fun if we would all go around and introduce ourselves and what fantastic things you would all bring to a Super Team! I'll start!!!

HI!!! I'm Squirrel Girl. I can speak to squirrels. I have an enhanced sense of smell. And my lips taste like hazelnuts! All right!!! Who's next? Howabout you, sir???

*Master Splinter eases off his stool and goes up to grab the mic.*

Master Splinter: Hi. I'm Master Splinter. You all may refer to me as "Sensei".

*The others look at him, somewhat perplexed at the talking, upright, 4-foot rat dressed in a gi.*

Master Splinter: BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!!!

*Startled, everybody stands and bows.*

Master Splinter: That's what I thought! Now, to defeat our enemies, we must make an enemy of defeat. I expect nothing less from you all. Now who's next? Ah, yes. You, sir, with the heavy artillery.

*Lobo the Duck takes the mic, cigar hanging out the side of his mouth and heavy artillery shells draped over his shoulders."

Lobo the Duck: Hi, I'm Lobo the Duck. I don't like to talk too much, but I do love blowing shit up. All right, who's next?

*Lobo the Duck sits down, and Spider-Man gets up to the mic, spooning a plateful of curry into his mouth (with the mask up partially so he can eat).*

Pavitr Prabhakar: Hello, friends. I go by Spider-Man, but you can also call me P.P. if you'd like. It is a pleasure to meet you all. I have the powers of a divine spider, and I enjoy curry.

*Squirrel Girl starts to rock woozily in her seat and begins to turn green. She lets out a projectile vomit into the corner. Must be her proximity to the reeking curry scent of P.P.*

*Krypto, who has been sitting obediently front and center, dashes over to the corner and begins to lick up squirrel girl's vomit. Just then, Chris Wnuk strolls in the door of the Destroyitarium.*

Chris Wnuk: Hey, guys, do I smell lox?!?

Master Splinter: No, fool. Squirrel Girl just yakked in the corner because of P.P.'s B.O. Why? Are you craving a bagel with schmear or something?

Chris Wnuk: What? Me? No!!! Why would I want that? I'm not a Jew or anything! (He then points to a tournament bracket on the wall.) Hey! what a coincidence! We've all been entered into a tournament!!! Looks like we're fighting Frontline! Praise Yahw -- er -- i mean Jesus! Frontline is a spray that's used to kill fleas and ticks! This should just serve to make all of you STRONGER!!!

*They all get up and leave, prepared for their first fight. Should be a good one!*

[Lucky]

But the other team has Super-Dog.

[Ultimatejobber]

I'm voting 5 pets and a Jew purely on team name this round. Laugh my ass off every time.

[Deleted]

Apr 13, 2009 10:00:48 GMT -5 Lucky said:

I mean... how's Spider-Man a pet?

Squirrel = Pet
Rat = Pet
Dog = Pet
Duck = Pet
Spider = Pet

Chris Wnuk = Jew

What's so hard to grasp about that concept?!?

[Batman]

Three of them are literally animals, the fourth looks like she's half-animal, and Spider-Man just has an animal in his name.

[Lucky]

Yeah, that. Calling "Spider-Man" a pet just feels like a tight squeeze into the team theme. I "get it", duh. It just feels to me like Dev trying to call "Quicksilver" a color. Awkwardly forcing a character into place to fit a theme when the theme means more than the actual team or characters.

[Deleted]

Hey, it was my joke team, anyway. I figured tangential relations were good enough for me.

But damn, even I didn't expect this team to be leading Superman and his crew like this.

[Batman]

Yeah, that Superman team really sucks though. Four superstrong characters, a magician, and an archer? Badly balanced. "It gave me a chuckle" is enough to get past that.

[Lucky]

Yeah, I don't like the balance of the team. Way too top heavy with a couple of awkward back characters. I said that in my big mess of hyper critical analysis last week. That would hurt it in a closer matchup. But the individuals are good and against a joke team I just assumed they'd be able to get by on that. If they were facing an awesome team combo I could see them falling despite being more powerful. But the pets and Secret Jew? Weird.

[Demko]

I think it's Pun's House giving Ziggy's character a pity-vote. :-)

MTA: I considered drafting "Ziggy" for this very reason. (Oh, and to be able to say that Ziggy's my bitch. )

[Batman]

Also there are at least two people here who would vote against any team with Superman on it, so there's that aspect, too.

[Deleted]

Lest we not forget that Squirrel Girl also single-handedly defeated DOOM.

[Lucky]

Bah. Everyone defeats Doom.

If you were Doctor Doom I'd think that after 50 or so years of failures you reevaluated things and chose a new career. I mean, other villains? They're all vengeaful or crazy or stupid. But Doom? I'd expect him to be a bit more logical about it.

[Batman]

Doom is vengeful, crazy, and vain enough that it counteracts his intelligence. I mean the original accident that started his feud with Richards was a clear case of vanity over-riding intelligence.

"Hmm. Well, maybe I should double-check those figures... NO! I am DOOM! I am infallible!"

[Lucky]

Well sure, but the dude is reasonable enough to get past his arrogance and vengeafulness a ton. Doom perhaps more than any major villain except maybe Magneto has the ability to say "Woah... ok... lets evaluate the situation and realize that maybe this fight's impossible for even me to win so I should just make a small compromise so that I may get my revenge later."

Sure, his arrogance is gonna screw it up for him a lot but a smart guy like that? After a few decades you'd think he's step back and take a personal inventory. "I'm a dethroned king of a destroyed country, a criminal of war to most countries, a marked villain by all, and freaking Morgana le Fey is traveling through time to kill me because I stood her up. I know they're all damned peasants and fools who insult the brilliance of DOOM! But... maybe some of it IS me."

I'd buy that comic.

[Stu]

Apr 13, 2009 11:01:08 GMT -5 Batman said:

Yeah, that Superman team really sucks though. Four superstrong characters, a magician, and an archer? Badly balanced.

Badly Balanced? Superman's the leader, Steel's the science guy. J'onn's a telepath. Barda's the pure fighter/warrior. Zatanna's the magician, and Speedy's the odd one out. They all fill distinct roles. Sure, they're very powerfull, but you might gather from the team being called FRONTLINE that they're meant to be formidable. By your logic you could argue the Avengers really sucks too. Cap, Iron Man AND Thor all together?
At least my team doesn't suggest indian people are pets. Racist.

[Deleted]

You do know India was a British colony for the longest time, right? That sounds pet-like, to me.

[DevSop]

Splinter sucks too.

[Batman]

Apr 13, 2009 11:35:31 GMT -5 Stu said:

Apr 13, 2009 11:01:08 GMT -5 Batman said:

Yeah, that Superman team really sucks though. Four superstrong characters, a magician, and an archer? Badly balanced.

Badly Balanced? Superman's the leader, Steel's the science guy. J'onn's a telepath. Barda's the pure fighter/warrior. Zatanna's the magician, and Speedy's the odd one out. They all fill distinct roles. Sure, they're very powerfull, but you might gather from the team being called FRONTLINE that they're meant to be formidable. By your logic you could argue the Avengers really sucks too. Cap, Iron Man AND Thor all together?

More like the original line-up of the Avengers, which did suck, which is why they immediately dumped Hulk for Cap.

[Deleted]

Even if this turns out to be a loss for 5 Pets & A Jew, it'll probably move them on as a wild card to the next round. I'll consider that a moral victory. ;D

[The Canadian Content]

Solly chooses Superman's Frontline team. He also punches kittens.