Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2009 14:29:59 GMT -5
The opening chords to "Back In Black" hit through the Georgia Dome speakers as WCW 3.0 General Manager Eric Bischoff saunters out onto the top of the entrance ramp. A thick mix of boos and cheers echo through the stadium as Bischoff raises the mic to speak.
Bischoff: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my humble, humble honor to welcome you to the greatest pay-per-view extravaganza in the history of sports entertainment. I bring to you the WCW 3.0 Triple Cage Something-On-A-Pole Tournament of Tetra-Teams!!!
The sellout crowd of 114,268 roars into a frenzy.
Bischoff: That's right! This 8-team tournament consisting of 4-man teams will be contested entirely in the Triple Cage, with the goal of retrieving an item suspended from a pole above the third cage. The winning team gets $1million each and their own developmental deal to star in a sit-com on TBS!
More frenzied actions from the sellout crowd of rednecks.
Bischoff: Without further ado, let's get straight to the action. Mr. Russo, the first matchup, please!
Vince Russo's hand reaches through the curtains and hands Eric Bischoff a note card.
Bischoff: The first matchup in the Triple Cage Something-On-A-Pole Tournament of Tetra-Teams will pit Norman Smiley's Black World Order against Alex Wright's German World Order!
Russo's hand then delivers Bischoff another note card.
Bischoff: And the item on a pole will be a Polish sausage!
bWo vs. gWo
Match highlights:
-Alex Wright is doing his techno dance when Norman Smiley gives him the stop hand before commencing the Big Wiggle and following it with a drop toe-hold as an infuriated Wright sharges him.
-Baron Von Raschke locks in a DOUBLE CLAW on the foreheads of Bob Sapp and Zeus. (Tenay: That the move can only be performed because Von Raschke has TWO hands!) They both begin to briefly bleed from their eye sockets before Stevie Ray comes up from behind and lays out Baron with the slapjack.
-7 of the men (witht he exception of the unconscious Von Raschke) have battled to the outside of the second cage. Wright and The Wall are delivering a hellacious beatdown to Smiley, but this allows for a triple-team on the helpless Van Hammer. Zeus lifts Hammer up into a power bomb position while Stevie and Sapp each grab an arm to hold him there in a crucifix position. They maneuver over to the side of the cage and LAUNCH Van Hammer off the top of the cage and at the crowd below who promptly move out of the way. A loud "crunch" echoes through the dome as Van Hammer's body bends up like a squirrel just hit by a car.
-The bWo procedes to dismantle the remaining Alex Wright and The Wall, as Norman Smiley scales the third cage and retrieves the Polish sausage from the pole. And to send a message to the next round contestants, he drops back down a level, bends Wright over his knee, and anal rapes him with the sausage. (Heenan: You gotta love pay-per-view, Schiavone!)
Bischoff: On to the next match of the tournament!
Russo hands him another card.
Bischoff: The next match will pit President Ramu's Demonic Insanity against El Dandy's Latino World Order Dos!
Russo hands the card with the item on it. Bischoff needs some clarification, so Russo leans in and whispers something in his ear. Bischoff's got it, now.
Bischoff: And the item on the poll will be a live chicken! That's right all you Hispanics out there, it's a Pollo-on-a-Pole match!
Demonic Insanity vs. lWo Dos
Match highlights:
-Oddly, President Ramu just stands outside the ring and commands Violent J, Shaggy 2 Dope, and The Demon to deliver utter carnage on El Dandy's troops.
-The Demon and Violent J hold Silver King in place at the edge of the top of the first cage as Shaggy climbs to the top of the second cage, chair in hand. He launches himself at the helpless Silver King and dropkicks the chair into his face, causing him to plummet 15-feet onto the announce table below.
-Ramu (still from the outside) makes some evil faces and demonic gestures in the direction of The Demon who suddenly hulks up out of a triple-team from El Dandy, Lizmark Jr., and Super Calo, bouncing them 1-by-1 off the top of the second cage. While this is going on, the ICP scales to the top cage and takes the chicken off the pole. They bring the chicken down to President Ramu where they tear the head off the chicken and pour the gushing blood into Ramu's mouth. (Heenan: I guess she's not too young to enjoy cock!)
Bischoff: And here we go again! The next match will showcase David Arquette's Celebrity World Order vs. Razor Ramon Hard Gay's Homo World Order! And the item on the pole this time will be a... wait... what the fuck is this? What's a polecat?
Russo: It's another name for a skunk.
Bischoff: Okay, then. It's a polecat-on-a-pole match!
cWo vs. hWo
Match highlights:
-Amazing back-and-forth battle here as 4 separate 1-on-1 battles ensue (while Liberace is ringside playing the gayest songs he knows). Arquette is bashing Rico over the head with a kendo stick, then Rico reverses into a side-homo-leg-sweep. Razor Ramon HG and Todd Bridges are in the middle of the ring having a dance off. Danny Bonaduce and an irate Kwee Wee are just standing toe-to-toe throwing haymakers at each other for 10 minutes. Dustin Diamond drops to his knees and uppernuts The Hardcore Homo. Diamond turns to the crowd and does the finger-tap-to-the-head-of-smartness just before taking a barbed-wire-wrapped-dildo upside the head.
-The tides turn when Jonny Fairplay enters the fray, and the numbers game is too great for the hWo to overcum. (Heenan: I bet this is the only time they don't like being outnumbered by other men!)
-All the members of the cWo scale the top of the third cage and are posing in a self-congratulatory fashion. When Arquette reaches for the polecat, he's blindsided by Bonaduce, Bridges, Diamond, and Fairplay. They all grab a hold of a limb, count to three, then give a heave-ho to Arquette whose body crashes down spine first onto the guard rail 35-feet below. (Schiavone: That's the biggest swerve EVER!)
-Then Bridges, Diamond, and Fairplay turn and begin a beatdown on Bonaduce. They launch him off the cage, and he bounces off each level all the way to the entrance ramp. (Schiavone: That's the biggest double-swerve EVER!!)
-Not surprisingly at this point, Diamond and Fairplay then turn on Bridges who is rendered unconscious by a baseball-bat-to-the-skull. Diamond and Fairplay givevery smug and simultaneous finger-taps-to-the-head-of-smartness. (Schiavone: That's the biggest triple-swerve EVER!!!)
-While they're not looking, though, Razor Ramon Hard Gay has climbed to the top level and removed the polecat from the pole, winning the match and moving the hWo on to the next round. (Schiavone: That's the biggest comeback EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Bischoff: The final match of the first round sees Mike Sanders' Natural Born Thrillers squaring off against Dink's Midget World Order! And it will feature a pole dancer-on-a-pole!!!
Natural Born Thrillers vs. mWo
Match highlights:
-Mike Sanders is on commentary for the entire match, as it's a complete squash.
-Reno Rolls The Dice with each of the midgets, rendering them completely incapacitated for the remainder of the match.
-O'Haire, Palumbo, and Reno stack Little Boogey, Octagoncito, and Meatballvertically so Jindrak can show off his vertical leap and dropkick Dink off the top of the stack.
-They then arrange the midgets in a circle around Palumbo who delivers a massive discus punch (Super Macho Man style) to all the midgets at once.
-Just for good measure, the midgets are stacked on top of each other so O'Haire can deliver a quadruple Seanton Bomb!
-Together they scale the remaining cages and retrieve the pole dancer and take turns bumping and grinding with her.
-At the top of the entrance ramp, President Ramu looks on in disgust as those similar in size to her have just been made an example of.
Bischoff: That's it for the first round! Everybody be sure to go to the bars and get fully liquored up for Round 2!
