MNF 43/Male Bag 26
Oct 26, 2012 12:49:42 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Oct 26, 2012 12:49:42 GMT -5
Check out Monday Night Flaw 43 and Male Bag 26 on iTunes, Stitcher or www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw then come back here and vote!
Jon Drouin
Wait... What?
Andy,
Cam is gay? Holy Shit. Does Chris know about this?
This means that all the wrestling that Cam and I were doing... and when he asked me to rub oil on him.... and all the choke-holds.... and the thing with the "belt bump"... Oh God. Cam Gullett was molesting me.
And is Cam really dead? Death is just so... so... so final. We've lost too many people on this show this year. Tom Roper, JB King, and now Cam Gullett. Not to mention Cam's mom, a handful of Mexicans and French Canadians, and I think some racist dude was murdered a few weeks ago too. This is the most dangerous show on the flawedcast network.
And Sarah Alt is a pimp, too? My head is spinning. I can't deal with this. It's too much. I need some time alone. At least I know that I can count on one guy that will maintain his character and his high standards of class and integrity and dignity. My rock remains Dustin Faber.
Have a good week,
Jon Drouin
Andy Gaston
Followup from the future!
Hello Andy and Chris,
It's me again, Andy Gaston. Thanks to my e-mail last week, you heeded my
advice and buried your feelings for Dustin. I was so glad when I found out
my life was being re-written. If you're wondering how I was able to
remember sending you the e-mail, or how I was even able to send you the
e-mail in the first place, then you're thinking WAY too hard about this
stupid bit.
Anyways... Chris was concerned for himself last week, because I didn't
mention him at all, or his future. Well, the truth is, because of our love
affair with Dustin Faber, Chris took his own life. He thought *HE* was the
only life-partner I'd ever need, and when he found out about me and Dustin,
he took a bottle full of Midol and went quietly to sleep. Thankfully, due
to my e-mail last week, you and I were able to save Chris' life. Now, his
future has been rewritten as well.
Chris Alt goes on to become the president and CEO of Buffalo Wild Wings
about two years from now. They figured, since he was spending so much money
there on a regular basis, that they should at least offer him the position
out of common courtesy. Once appointed as the CEO, Sarah was able to quit
her job and become a stay-at-home mom.
Let me give you updates on a few of the other Male Bag participants:
Adam Dan - His cancer flared back up, and after 4 more solid years of
fighting back, with chemo, radiation therapy and some experimental drugs
the FDA offered him, he was able to force the cancer back into remission.
He died a day after getting the good news, by choking on a chicken bone,
strangely enough, at a Buffalo Wild Wings.
Stu Little - Stu actually never wins another Male Bag title. He is still a
former 11-time World Champion. Chris and I actually developed a Scotsman
Championship last week, just for him, because Chris felt so guilty about
jinxing him 5 years ago. I mean, predicting 20 titles before the end of
2012? What were you thinking, Chris?
JB King - Johnny went finish 2nd place in the Scripps National Spelling Bee
in 2016. The reason he was able to get this far is because he somehow made
it onto the editing board for the Oxford English Dictionary, and was able
to re-spell many of the words the way he wanted to. Despite that, he still
lost in the final round, somehow misspelling the word 'spunk'.
Cam Gullett - Once Arkansas finally passed the law to allow gays to marry,
Cam couldn't have been more excited. He'd been waiting all that time to
finally profess his love for Jon Meredieth. The two of them were married
earlier this year. They're expecting their first child sometime in June.
Spence Hopkins - Realizing that the Warrior gimmick had gotten stale
(really after 2 weeks or so), Spence went on to make me imitate other WWE
Superstars, including Macho Man, Rick Rude, The Brooklyn Brawler, and the
Gobbledygooker, amongst others.
Michael Hodge - After becoming King of the Ring, he actually let the power
go to his head, finally declaring himself King of Canada in 2014. He
claimed that his home in Saint Catherines, Ontario, was seceding from the
province, and that he was planning a military coup of the Canadian
Parliament. No one's heard from him since, except for Fred Solomon, who we
all secretly think actually *IS* Michael Hodge.
Jon Drouin - He was diagnosed with MPD a few years back, and was committed
to an insane asylum for life by his father, whose name is Cliff.
Anyhow, that's all for now. I can promise you, Andy, you're much happier
now than I ever was with Dustin. You'll thank me for it later.
Love,
Andy Gaston
Dustin Hawes
It comes to this
Hey dickheads,
How is everyone?
Hi Spence. How the fuck are you, you jabbawokkee cobbledick goat fucker.
You know, the Altar Boy and Sir Gaston said you owned the fuck out of me
last week on the mailbag. Well, fuck it. Congrats on getting your Warrior
gimmick over. I mean, it isn't incredibly hard to write for a drugged out
maniac is it. Nevertheless, as easy as that seems, i think you could do a
hell of a lot better at this stupid cocaine gimmick than you are. Let's
face facts bro..... Your skill set is probably more well equipped to use
Eugene as a mailbag gimmick. However, that would be impeding on J.B. King's
wouldn't it. So, fuck it, keep warrior around for a while. i must say that
your "owning" of me sparked something here Spence. You see, funk may be on
a roll Spence. However, the funk coming from your Warrior gimmick's Oompa
Loompa Butt Vagina is so foul that James Enright wouldn't eat it if it was
on a roll that was covered in mayonnaise and a pound of sausage gravy.
That's right, obligatory fat joke at Spence's expense. You dumb fuck. Andy
Gaston, i really enjoyed your e-mail last week. Congratulations on your
intercontinental championship. It's funny, i never realized that
"Schindler's List" was based in the future. It's a shame.
Kroger Boy 1
P.S. Hey bitch Spence. I found a board game you may enjoy.
Andy Gaston
Intercontinental Champion? INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!
Dear Andy and Chris (again),
This is a strange turn of events. I don't remember ever having won the
Intercontinental Championship before, but it seems that you've announced me
as the champ. I would never have guessed that my quote DIRECTLY from Clark
W. Griswold, in Christmas Vacation would have earned me the right to call
myself the champ. But here I am. And here I will stay, because there is no
one better at tearing myself a new asshole than me.
Andy Gaston - you're a blowhard. You love to hear yourself talk, and you
love it when other people talk about you. You seem to get off on talking
about roided up, greased up men in tights. I would say you're the most
homosexual man I've ever met, but since technically, I've never met you
(well, save for our private chats in the mirror)... that wouldn't be true.
You have the weirdest laugh of anyone I know, and for some reason, you feel
the need to share it with everyone. Your fiancee is definitely settling,
and you're trading WAYYY up. Congrats on that. It's about damn time you won
the Intercontinental Championship, because all the people here on the Male
Bag really hate you, and they've been looking for an excuse to finally get
their venom out when it comes to you and your "Fuhrer" persona. Deep down,
you know you're a really nice guy, but one who's trying so desperately to
be an asshole, that you hope no one else will notice.
How's that for tearing myself down? We'll see you next week... same Gaston
time, same Gaston channel.
Love,
Future Andy Gaston
Rocky Johnson
Finally, The Rock has come back to Monday Night Flaw!!
That's right jabronis, you are in the the presence of greatness. The Rock
has been listening to Monday Night Flaw lately and has taken exception to
some of these emailers spouting their weekly bullshit into the Brahma
Bull's ears.
First off, who in the blue hell is Chris Alt?
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU ARE!!
Spence Hopkins like to hang with the Warrior. The Rock used to let the
Warrior use a room at the Smackdown Hotel to crush his pills and snort his
coke, but then one day Rock comes in and Warrior starts asking Rock, "What
would you do if the sun god Apollo came down from the heavens and commanded
you to climb into the Warrior's soul and have a tea party atop the Mount
Kilamanjaro of the Abyss in hell?" Rock told Warrior that Rock would take
Apollo's golden chariot, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch
sideways, AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP WARRIOR'S ASS!!
Cam Gullett, stop sending The Rock pictures of what you call, "The People
with Aids' strudel." You creep The Rock out more than that little
hermaphrodite Michael Cole.
Andy Gaston, you make The Rock think of Gary Busey and James Hetfield
hate-fucking each other until one of them bleeds.
Dustin Faber, know your role and shut your damn mouth son. Next time
someone passes some peyote your way, just say no.
The Rock has to be back on set for Fast 6 so you jabronis have had enough
of The Rock's time this week.
IF YA SMELLLLLLL what The Rock...is cooking
Spence Hopkins
Snooooooooooooort snarl sneep
LWarrior fucks! CARABADOO ARABONIO LIBERINSKI! AMAROCHIOCITO CENA PITOAKSKI LEMONAIDE STAND! CHRISTIAN PONDER! RIKKI TIKU TAVI OYO COMO VA! BENICIO DEL TORO DE LEANARDO DI CAPRIO! FELIZ NAVIDAD BURRITO! BALANCING ACTS! CREAMPUFF COOTER DUSTIN HAWES! ALICIA SILVERSTONE COMPASS MONGER! RIP TORN FUNKAUSER! CORNHOLING THE CHARLOTTE BOCBCATS! PEPSI TWITTER FEEDS! SCROTAM JELLY! HORDING PICKLED JELLY BEAN SPEARS DE PUTOS! SILENCIO! AND WISCONSIN BAAAAAADGER FRUIT PIES AGAGAHHHHHHAAAAAH! peter still walks. (passes out from the combination of Demerol and morphine that he was given by Michael Jackson's doctor)
Sorry about that guys, i don't know what to say about the warrior this week. Either way, i am sure it will still be better than what ever the fuck Hawes shits out onto his keyboard. The show will probably take an even bigger dive whenever you read his boring drab. Pull your fucking pedestrian pud Dustin. Then jump in a lake with a briefcase full of depression.
Spence Out
Stu Little
Hate Thy Faber
*Billy Gunn Theme*
#I'm a Bass Man! Yes, I'm a Bass Maaaan,
Yeaahhhh!
I
love to tune it, I love to strum it, I love to replace the strings when
necessary, because I'm talking about the instrument again, not the
fish, Chris, you dunderhead!
Don't you ever- EVER -tell me not
to include words that can be pronounced multiple ways in my e-mails. You
can't tell me what to do. You just read the e-mails out and try to keep
the jinxing to a minimum, alright? Just for that, here's a list of words
for you to read out. I want to see if you guess which one I mean.
wound
tear
polish
lead
dove
close
desert
Okay,
that's enough. Answers will come next week. I'd include them at the end
of the e-mail, but I'm afraid you'd just skip ahead to read them and
cheat. No, this is much more honest and fair. Don't worry, I'm sure
you'll get some of them right.
Cam Gullett is a drug dealer? That would make a good Breaking Bad type TV Show, only he'd be less Heisenberg, more Heidenreich:
Now, I'm not saying James Enright is fat....
What? I'm not.
Future
Andy, why did you even bother sending that e-mail? Yeah, you probably
averted a horrible future timeline, but despite saying you were going to
spoil the next five years for us, you didn't really give us anything
usefull to go on. Not even a PDF copy of Grays Sports Almanac for the
next few years. You are worthless. And even if you have prevented the
Dustin Gayber timeline, who knows what we'll get instead? Shadow Dustin
prevailed last week against Light Dustin, and this worried me, so I put
out some feelers to find out what he's been up to since, and it's
disconcerting:
-He's selling his NES and PS1 games...to buy an Atari Jaguar
-He's buying electrical equipment to build something called a "Double Edged Lightfaber"
-He's paying his priest to do shorter Masses
Not
to mention he called me drab. DRAB! Listen, Shadow Dustin. I'll drab
you! I'll drab you by the balls and throw you through the nearest
window! Light Dustin will be avenged. You think I don't know how to
fight a catholic? I've played Assassin's Creed 2, the game where the
final boss is taking on the Pope in a fistfight. You may have made your
name putting Cliff Snotes in his place, but I'm Stu motherfucking
Little, the OG of Monday Night Flaw! I INVENTED the Cam-Sailors joke! I
BURIED James Enright the first week he tried to step to me, and I wrote
an unnecessarily long, but still awesome rap song that you only beat out
by amazing people by putting some actual personality in your e-mail for
the first time ever. And by the time I'm through with you, you'll be
the Excellence of Excommunication! Hasta La Vista, Fabey.
Dustin Faber
Questions. Damn. It. To. Arkansas.
U R NOT E.
What I have done, I have failed to do.
MANIACAL LAUGH. MANIACAL LAUGH. MANIACAL LAUGH.
So, in the interest of this email, I'm cutting his lame schtick out bro. No
more stupid wrestling questions. No more whining about his father not
loving him. No more, "OH GOLLY GEE THIS IS A WRESTLING SHOW EVERYONE IS
AMAZING I LOVE YOU GUYZ!"
WAIT! I'M RECEIVING A BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN! LET'S GO TO OUR MAN ON THE
STREET, WEE WILLY WINKY!
Thanks guy in studio! OK, it is being confirmed that the Andy Gaston of the
future does not have a dangle. I repeat, the Andy Gaston of the future DOES
NOT HAVE A DANGLE! Here is visual evidence of this news!!!
Nicole, bolt while you can before this man tries consumating the marriage
with a toothpick and a piece of Bubble Yum.
Now that the news is out of the way, it's time for the fun stuff!!! Andy, I
know that you hate wrestling questions, and to be honest so do I. It's not
hard to do internet searches (unless you're using Bing, which God help you
if you do try that). So I'm going to ask a question whose content matches
the other shows on the Flawedcast Network. After all, it's not like
everyone keeps wrestling the focus on this male bag anyways. And I'm not
going to give any of my answers because let's face it, nobody loves me or
cares about my opinions.
Question 1: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
Question 2: Do you see Notre Dame winning a BCS game this year?
Question 3: What is the one TV show that you hate that everyone loves?
Question 4: Aaron Gaston is a God. Why can't we all be like him?
Question 5: Why did my childhood friend Ricky insist on showing me his
private parts? I'm five damnit, I'm not your Cam!
Question 6: Who is your daddy and what does he do?
Question 7: What is your favorite kind of soup?
Question 8: F it, I'm out of questions. So here is a picture of your
grandma falling down. Don't just stand there, help her you ungrateful
bastards!
BTW, the Chamorro word for fall is Poddong. As in, I wish you'd fall on my
poddong, hey oh!!!!!!!!!!!
DUDE, YOU'VE GOTTEN CREEPY!!!! YOU USED TO NOT SAY THINGS LIKE THIS. WHAT
WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY IF SHE SAW YOU TYPING THIS???????
Whoah, chill out Light Dustin Faber. Don't you remember getting killed by
Shadow Dustin Faber last week ? If your mother saw you typing this, she'd
probably wish there was a dumpster outside the girls bathroom to put you
in, you ugly sack of shame.
Anyways, I'm off to kill Light Dustin Faber. Again.
Dick joke.
Love,
Your straight-edge friend and guaranteed Designated Driver
Dustin Faber
JB King
Admit it, you missed me.
Hello again to Chris Alt and Andy O’Doyle Gaston. I have returned! I
apologize for not participating last week. I legitimately was in and out of
the hospital. And no, I’m not lying like Rey Mysterio got his mysterious
“flu”. Although I did have some explosive bowels in the end (rimshot). Not
graphic enough? Ok, let’s just say I turned my toilet into a Dalmatian last
week. Holy Shit indeed. But now I am better and ready to bring it. And
thank God I came back. Spence Hopkins and Angel Dustin Faber as champions?
Great. A guy that impersonates Ultimate Warrior and a bastard who
impersonates Atom Dan. Yes that’s right, Dustin Faber is Atom Dan version
2.0 think about that for a minute voters. I just hope Sir Cancer Farts
finds a way to get his gimmick back.
Because that’s Adam Dan’s way of thinking. Find a way. As in finding a way
to beat cancer. Unable to use a computer because of your wife? Find a way
to do a podcast to share with everyone anyway. And I don’t know how the
fuck you can get fired from a Burger King, but yes, he found a way on that
too. Be homeless and happy? He found a way. And hopefully he finds a way to
get into our tag tournament. Does that shitty idea have wheels yet?
Ah yes, our glorious tag team tournament. So far we have myself and James
Ryan who is on “injured reserve” and The Ambiguously Gay Duo of Jon and Cam
Gullet. You need to push your sale more Andy. You couldn’t even get team
Lisp-shits to join our tournament. So I make this declaration which I hope
Andy is in favor of. In order to get this thing rolling I give the entire
Monday Night Flaw Universe one week to establish your teams. If we do not
have a full bracket, then Andy and Chris can combine whatever teams
necessary to fill the gaps. So guys, get your shit together or expect Stu
and James Enright to establish team “Fat Bastard” from Andy and Chris’s so
called wisdom.
Speaking of tag teams, I just wanted to say how much I have been enjoying
Team HELL NO. I think team HELL NO is a fantastic mixture of comedy and
talent. Team HELL NO even has an appropriate catchphrase of the same name,
which is HELL NO. I’m so glad the WWE Universe chose this appropriate name
for a team, which is HELL NO and not something else. I mean, what kind of
assholes would live in a stubborn bubble and refuse to call by the correct
name…which is Hell NO. I mean, it’s right there on the t-shirts and
everything. But apparently there are still some jackoffs out there that
can’t get the picture. Maybe they are just trolls or delusional sore
losers. Anyway, I hope team HELL NO holds the belts for at least 2 more
pay-per-views. Go team HELL NO.
…
HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO
Also, I’m glad you guys decided to take the high road on the whole
Primetime Players and Gallagher joke. At first I thought we were going into
some dark humor (pun obviously intended) but I guess I got the wrong
impression. I soon learned that the Prime Time players hate Gallagher
because he destroys watermelon, a fruit enjoyed by many individuals in the
black community. Phew, that was close. I thought you guys were going to go
on a tangent about how Gallagher calls black people spooks or something.
Because here I am thinking “Oh no, they are going to bring the fact that
Gallagher is a racist and uses the term ‘spear chucker’ quite often.”
Thankfully you didn’t. Silly me. Why in god’s name would I ever think you
guys would use such hateful speech like ‘colored clubbering’ or ‘nigga
knashing’ on a well-respected podcast. Glad we cleared that up. Go
diversity!
Let’s talk Divas. It seems Bryan Van Amberalert has some issues with Eve
Torres. Saying for some reason she looks like a man. Then again this is the
same guy who masturbates to Honey Boo Boo and cartoons. Which cartoons you
ask? Rugrats of course. But Bryan is a walking contradiction. He claims he
hates pubic hair as much as he hates the letter “S” even though he gets a
(and I use this term loosely) massive boner for AJ Lee. Whose vag can only
be compared to Buckwheat’s head. It’s not her fault, she has tried to trim
it but that Puerto Ric- uh I mean “Asian” hair of hers is just too coarse.
She has broken blade after blade but with no luck. AJ’s bush will go
through more razors than Dustin Faber’s arm when his daughter discovers
Darwinism.
BUTT FUCKING! (calm down Cam) Yes it seems you guys decided to make this a
topic on Tuesday Afternoon Flaw. I’m surprised James Ryan restrained
himself from talking about AJ Lee’s obsession with anal considering he
stole all my other jokes that night. Thanks for the shout out bro! Yes, it
is true. According to some old shoots made by Jay Lethal, AJ was down for
the brown in more ways than one. Her asshole has been stretched harder than
Jim Enrights pants after going to Hometown Buffet.
Ok, let's close this bitch.
((((Please have Chris read the rest of the email))))
Andy, I’m sure people have given you shit tonight for having the IC Belt.
That or someone admitted to being you 40 minutes ago… but that’s then and
now. I have decided to take the high road and not take any shots at you.
Sorry. I am also not going to be asking any questions this week. Sorry
Chris, I know you enjoy them. Andy, I’m sorry you’ve grown a hatred for the
questions. I always thought it was a nice way to set the pace. A few
paragraphs of funny with a topical question about wrestling. Even some of
the questions were just jokes themselves. But I’ve realized why you hate
the questions so much. It’s not because of me but because of Jon “Garbage
Dick” Drouin. The stupid shit that he asks on Flawedcast is astounding.
Between that and the so called contributions made by Atom Dan, no wonder
you hate questions so much.
Lastly, it seems Cam Gullet is dead. That’s our ginger, following in his
mother’s footsteps. And as a tribute, I’ve decided to let his best friend
Chris Alt read a story to remind us of how Cam died and what we can learn
from it. Actually, he’s going to rap. Show them your southern fried flow
Chris. Because YOU SEE CHRIS, this is your punishment for weaseling out of
the Honey Boo Boo recap for another week. And until you do the recap,
expect to be rapping for every following email.
Have a great night everybody. Enjoy Chris closing the show with his sweet
mic skills.
Love peace and penis grease.
Johnny
(Lets Andy close out the show with a send off and letting Chris rap)
(Rap the following to the tune of Slick Rick’s: Children’s Story, here is a
link if you need help with the beat)
And Here we goooooooo,
Once upon a time not long ago,
When people turned to the Flawedcast shows,
When jokes were made and life was good,
And people were behaving like they ought-ta should,
There lived a little boy who was misled,
By another little boy and this is what he said:
"Listen up Cam, were gonna make some cash,
Sucking on dicks and pounding some ass",
They did the job, money came with ease,
But Cam couldn't stop, it's like he had a disease,
He sucked another and another even his dad and his and Brother,
Tried to blow a man who was a D.T. undercover,
The cop grabbed his arm, Cam started acting faggish,
He said "Keep still homo, no need for rubbish",
Punched him in his dick and he gave him a slap,
But little did he know the Cam Gullet was strapped,
Cam pulled out a gun, he said "Why'd you hit me?",
The bullet was set straight for the cop's kidney,
The cop got scared, but Cam starts to figure,
"I’ll get raped in jail for being a faggy ginger",
So he dashed and ran around the block,
Only to be chased by another cop.
But the cop was coming and he made a left,
He was runnin' top speed till he was outta breath,
Knocked an old man down and swore it was Alan Capps,
Then he made his move to house of Japs,
Ran up the stairs up to the top floor,
Opened up the door there, guess who he saw?,
Jaaaammmeees the fat fuck eating popcorn,
Bitch was so fat all of his clothes were torn,
He said “I need bullets, hurry up, run”
Enright brought back an army shotgun,
He went outside but there was cops all over,
So he carjacked Adam Dan and stole his Nova,
Raced up the block doing 83,
Crashed into a tree near the university,
Escaped alive though Dan’s car was battered,
Rat-a-tat-tatted and all the cops scattered,
Ran out of bullets and still had static,
Grabbed a little midget and pulled out the automatic,
Pointed at his head and he said the gun was full o' lead,
He told the cops “Back off or Nate is dead”
Deep in his heart he knew he was wrong,
So he let the dwarf go and he starts to run on,
Sirens sounded, he seemed astounded,
Before long the lil' boy got surrounded,
He dropped the gun, so went the glory,
And this is the way I have to end this story,
He was only thirteen, at least in Bryan’s dream,
The cops shot the kid just to hear him scream,
This ain't funny so don't you dare laugh,
Just another case about the wrong path,
Straight and narrow or your soul gets CAST.
Goodnight.
Jon Drouin
Wait... What?
Andy,
Cam is gay? Holy Shit. Does Chris know about this?
This means that all the wrestling that Cam and I were doing... and when he asked me to rub oil on him.... and all the choke-holds.... and the thing with the "belt bump"... Oh God. Cam Gullett was molesting me.
And is Cam really dead? Death is just so... so... so final. We've lost too many people on this show this year. Tom Roper, JB King, and now Cam Gullett. Not to mention Cam's mom, a handful of Mexicans and French Canadians, and I think some racist dude was murdered a few weeks ago too. This is the most dangerous show on the flawedcast network.
And Sarah Alt is a pimp, too? My head is spinning. I can't deal with this. It's too much. I need some time alone. At least I know that I can count on one guy that will maintain his character and his high standards of class and integrity and dignity. My rock remains Dustin Faber.
Have a good week,
Jon Drouin
Andy Gaston
Followup from the future!
Hello Andy and Chris,
It's me again, Andy Gaston. Thanks to my e-mail last week, you heeded my
advice and buried your feelings for Dustin. I was so glad when I found out
my life was being re-written. If you're wondering how I was able to
remember sending you the e-mail, or how I was even able to send you the
e-mail in the first place, then you're thinking WAY too hard about this
stupid bit.
Anyways... Chris was concerned for himself last week, because I didn't
mention him at all, or his future. Well, the truth is, because of our love
affair with Dustin Faber, Chris took his own life. He thought *HE* was the
only life-partner I'd ever need, and when he found out about me and Dustin,
he took a bottle full of Midol and went quietly to sleep. Thankfully, due
to my e-mail last week, you and I were able to save Chris' life. Now, his
future has been rewritten as well.
Chris Alt goes on to become the president and CEO of Buffalo Wild Wings
about two years from now. They figured, since he was spending so much money
there on a regular basis, that they should at least offer him the position
out of common courtesy. Once appointed as the CEO, Sarah was able to quit
her job and become a stay-at-home mom.
Let me give you updates on a few of the other Male Bag participants:
Adam Dan - His cancer flared back up, and after 4 more solid years of
fighting back, with chemo, radiation therapy and some experimental drugs
the FDA offered him, he was able to force the cancer back into remission.
He died a day after getting the good news, by choking on a chicken bone,
strangely enough, at a Buffalo Wild Wings.
Stu Little - Stu actually never wins another Male Bag title. He is still a
former 11-time World Champion. Chris and I actually developed a Scotsman
Championship last week, just for him, because Chris felt so guilty about
jinxing him 5 years ago. I mean, predicting 20 titles before the end of
2012? What were you thinking, Chris?
JB King - Johnny went finish 2nd place in the Scripps National Spelling Bee
in 2016. The reason he was able to get this far is because he somehow made
it onto the editing board for the Oxford English Dictionary, and was able
to re-spell many of the words the way he wanted to. Despite that, he still
lost in the final round, somehow misspelling the word 'spunk'.
Cam Gullett - Once Arkansas finally passed the law to allow gays to marry,
Cam couldn't have been more excited. He'd been waiting all that time to
finally profess his love for Jon Meredieth. The two of them were married
earlier this year. They're expecting their first child sometime in June.
Spence Hopkins - Realizing that the Warrior gimmick had gotten stale
(really after 2 weeks or so), Spence went on to make me imitate other WWE
Superstars, including Macho Man, Rick Rude, The Brooklyn Brawler, and the
Gobbledygooker, amongst others.
Michael Hodge - After becoming King of the Ring, he actually let the power
go to his head, finally declaring himself King of Canada in 2014. He
claimed that his home in Saint Catherines, Ontario, was seceding from the
province, and that he was planning a military coup of the Canadian
Parliament. No one's heard from him since, except for Fred Solomon, who we
all secretly think actually *IS* Michael Hodge.
Jon Drouin - He was diagnosed with MPD a few years back, and was committed
to an insane asylum for life by his father, whose name is Cliff.
Anyhow, that's all for now. I can promise you, Andy, you're much happier
now than I ever was with Dustin. You'll thank me for it later.
Love,
Andy Gaston
Dustin Hawes
It comes to this
Hey dickheads,
How is everyone?
Hi Spence. How the fuck are you, you jabbawokkee cobbledick goat fucker.
You know, the Altar Boy and Sir Gaston said you owned the fuck out of me
last week on the mailbag. Well, fuck it. Congrats on getting your Warrior
gimmick over. I mean, it isn't incredibly hard to write for a drugged out
maniac is it. Nevertheless, as easy as that seems, i think you could do a
hell of a lot better at this stupid cocaine gimmick than you are. Let's
face facts bro..... Your skill set is probably more well equipped to use
Eugene as a mailbag gimmick. However, that would be impeding on J.B. King's
wouldn't it. So, fuck it, keep warrior around for a while. i must say that
your "owning" of me sparked something here Spence. You see, funk may be on
a roll Spence. However, the funk coming from your Warrior gimmick's Oompa
Loompa Butt Vagina is so foul that James Enright wouldn't eat it if it was
on a roll that was covered in mayonnaise and a pound of sausage gravy.
That's right, obligatory fat joke at Spence's expense. You dumb fuck. Andy
Gaston, i really enjoyed your e-mail last week. Congratulations on your
intercontinental championship. It's funny, i never realized that
"Schindler's List" was based in the future. It's a shame.
Kroger Boy 1
P.S. Hey bitch Spence. I found a board game you may enjoy.
Andy Gaston
Intercontinental Champion? INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!
Dear Andy and Chris (again),
This is a strange turn of events. I don't remember ever having won the
Intercontinental Championship before, but it seems that you've announced me
as the champ. I would never have guessed that my quote DIRECTLY from Clark
W. Griswold, in Christmas Vacation would have earned me the right to call
myself the champ. But here I am. And here I will stay, because there is no
one better at tearing myself a new asshole than me.
Andy Gaston - you're a blowhard. You love to hear yourself talk, and you
love it when other people talk about you. You seem to get off on talking
about roided up, greased up men in tights. I would say you're the most
homosexual man I've ever met, but since technically, I've never met you
(well, save for our private chats in the mirror)... that wouldn't be true.
You have the weirdest laugh of anyone I know, and for some reason, you feel
the need to share it with everyone. Your fiancee is definitely settling,
and you're trading WAYYY up. Congrats on that. It's about damn time you won
the Intercontinental Championship, because all the people here on the Male
Bag really hate you, and they've been looking for an excuse to finally get
their venom out when it comes to you and your "Fuhrer" persona. Deep down,
you know you're a really nice guy, but one who's trying so desperately to
be an asshole, that you hope no one else will notice.
How's that for tearing myself down? We'll see you next week... same Gaston
time, same Gaston channel.
Love,
Future Andy Gaston
Rocky Johnson
Finally, The Rock has come back to Monday Night Flaw!!
That's right jabronis, you are in the the presence of greatness. The Rock
has been listening to Monday Night Flaw lately and has taken exception to
some of these emailers spouting their weekly bullshit into the Brahma
Bull's ears.
First off, who in the blue hell is Chris Alt?
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU ARE!!
Spence Hopkins like to hang with the Warrior. The Rock used to let the
Warrior use a room at the Smackdown Hotel to crush his pills and snort his
coke, but then one day Rock comes in and Warrior starts asking Rock, "What
would you do if the sun god Apollo came down from the heavens and commanded
you to climb into the Warrior's soul and have a tea party atop the Mount
Kilamanjaro of the Abyss in hell?" Rock told Warrior that Rock would take
Apollo's golden chariot, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch
sideways, AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP WARRIOR'S ASS!!
Cam Gullett, stop sending The Rock pictures of what you call, "The People
with Aids' strudel." You creep The Rock out more than that little
hermaphrodite Michael Cole.
Andy Gaston, you make The Rock think of Gary Busey and James Hetfield
hate-fucking each other until one of them bleeds.
Dustin Faber, know your role and shut your damn mouth son. Next time
someone passes some peyote your way, just say no.
The Rock has to be back on set for Fast 6 so you jabronis have had enough
of The Rock's time this week.
IF YA SMELLLLLLL what The Rock...is cooking
Spence Hopkins
Snooooooooooooort snarl sneep
LWarrior fucks! CARABADOO ARABONIO LIBERINSKI! AMAROCHIOCITO CENA PITOAKSKI LEMONAIDE STAND! CHRISTIAN PONDER! RIKKI TIKU TAVI OYO COMO VA! BENICIO DEL TORO DE LEANARDO DI CAPRIO! FELIZ NAVIDAD BURRITO! BALANCING ACTS! CREAMPUFF COOTER DUSTIN HAWES! ALICIA SILVERSTONE COMPASS MONGER! RIP TORN FUNKAUSER! CORNHOLING THE CHARLOTTE BOCBCATS! PEPSI TWITTER FEEDS! SCROTAM JELLY! HORDING PICKLED JELLY BEAN SPEARS DE PUTOS! SILENCIO! AND WISCONSIN BAAAAAADGER FRUIT PIES AGAGAHHHHHHAAAAAH! peter still walks. (passes out from the combination of Demerol and morphine that he was given by Michael Jackson's doctor)
Sorry about that guys, i don't know what to say about the warrior this week. Either way, i am sure it will still be better than what ever the fuck Hawes shits out onto his keyboard. The show will probably take an even bigger dive whenever you read his boring drab. Pull your fucking pedestrian pud Dustin. Then jump in a lake with a briefcase full of depression.
Spence Out
Stu Little
Hate Thy Faber
*Billy Gunn Theme*
#I'm a Bass Man! Yes, I'm a Bass Maaaan,
Yeaahhhh!
I
love to tune it, I love to strum it, I love to replace the strings when
necessary, because I'm talking about the instrument again, not the
fish, Chris, you dunderhead!
Don't you ever- EVER -tell me not
to include words that can be pronounced multiple ways in my e-mails. You
can't tell me what to do. You just read the e-mails out and try to keep
the jinxing to a minimum, alright? Just for that, here's a list of words
for you to read out. I want to see if you guess which one I mean.
wound
tear
polish
lead
dove
close
desert
Okay,
that's enough. Answers will come next week. I'd include them at the end
of the e-mail, but I'm afraid you'd just skip ahead to read them and
cheat. No, this is much more honest and fair. Don't worry, I'm sure
you'll get some of them right.
Cam Gullett is a drug dealer? That would make a good Breaking Bad type TV Show, only he'd be less Heisenberg, more Heidenreich:
Now, I'm not saying James Enright is fat....
What? I'm not.
Future
Andy, why did you even bother sending that e-mail? Yeah, you probably
averted a horrible future timeline, but despite saying you were going to
spoil the next five years for us, you didn't really give us anything
usefull to go on. Not even a PDF copy of Grays Sports Almanac for the
next few years. You are worthless. And even if you have prevented the
Dustin Gayber timeline, who knows what we'll get instead? Shadow Dustin
prevailed last week against Light Dustin, and this worried me, so I put
out some feelers to find out what he's been up to since, and it's
disconcerting:
-He's selling his NES and PS1 games...to buy an Atari Jaguar
-He's buying electrical equipment to build something called a "Double Edged Lightfaber"
-He's paying his priest to do shorter Masses
Not
to mention he called me drab. DRAB! Listen, Shadow Dustin. I'll drab
you! I'll drab you by the balls and throw you through the nearest
window! Light Dustin will be avenged. You think I don't know how to
fight a catholic? I've played Assassin's Creed 2, the game where the
final boss is taking on the Pope in a fistfight. You may have made your
name putting Cliff Snotes in his place, but I'm Stu motherfucking
Little, the OG of Monday Night Flaw! I INVENTED the Cam-Sailors joke! I
BURIED James Enright the first week he tried to step to me, and I wrote
an unnecessarily long, but still awesome rap song that you only beat out
by amazing people by putting some actual personality in your e-mail for
the first time ever. And by the time I'm through with you, you'll be
the Excellence of Excommunication! Hasta La Vista, Fabey.
Dustin Faber
Questions. Damn. It. To. Arkansas.
U R NOT E.
What I have done, I have failed to do.
MANIACAL LAUGH. MANIACAL LAUGH. MANIACAL LAUGH.
So, in the interest of this email, I'm cutting his lame schtick out bro. No
more stupid wrestling questions. No more whining about his father not
loving him. No more, "OH GOLLY GEE THIS IS A WRESTLING SHOW EVERYONE IS
AMAZING I LOVE YOU GUYZ!"
WAIT! I'M RECEIVING A BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN! LET'S GO TO OUR MAN ON THE
STREET, WEE WILLY WINKY!
Thanks guy in studio! OK, it is being confirmed that the Andy Gaston of the
future does not have a dangle. I repeat, the Andy Gaston of the future DOES
NOT HAVE A DANGLE! Here is visual evidence of this news!!!
Nicole, bolt while you can before this man tries consumating the marriage
with a toothpick and a piece of Bubble Yum.
Now that the news is out of the way, it's time for the fun stuff!!! Andy, I
know that you hate wrestling questions, and to be honest so do I. It's not
hard to do internet searches (unless you're using Bing, which God help you
if you do try that). So I'm going to ask a question whose content matches
the other shows on the Flawedcast Network. After all, it's not like
everyone keeps wrestling the focus on this male bag anyways. And I'm not
going to give any of my answers because let's face it, nobody loves me or
cares about my opinions.
Question 1: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
Question 2: Do you see Notre Dame winning a BCS game this year?
Question 3: What is the one TV show that you hate that everyone loves?
Question 4: Aaron Gaston is a God. Why can't we all be like him?
Question 5: Why did my childhood friend Ricky insist on showing me his
private parts? I'm five damnit, I'm not your Cam!
Question 6: Who is your daddy and what does he do?
Question 7: What is your favorite kind of soup?
Question 8: F it, I'm out of questions. So here is a picture of your
grandma falling down. Don't just stand there, help her you ungrateful
bastards!
BTW, the Chamorro word for fall is Poddong. As in, I wish you'd fall on my
poddong, hey oh!!!!!!!!!!!
DUDE, YOU'VE GOTTEN CREEPY!!!! YOU USED TO NOT SAY THINGS LIKE THIS. WHAT
WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY IF SHE SAW YOU TYPING THIS???????
Whoah, chill out Light Dustin Faber. Don't you remember getting killed by
Shadow Dustin Faber last week ? If your mother saw you typing this, she'd
probably wish there was a dumpster outside the girls bathroom to put you
in, you ugly sack of shame.
Anyways, I'm off to kill Light Dustin Faber. Again.
Dick joke.
Love,
Your straight-edge friend and guaranteed Designated Driver
Dustin Faber
JB King
Admit it, you missed me.
Hello again to Chris Alt and Andy O’Doyle Gaston. I have returned! I
apologize for not participating last week. I legitimately was in and out of
the hospital. And no, I’m not lying like Rey Mysterio got his mysterious
“flu”. Although I did have some explosive bowels in the end (rimshot). Not
graphic enough? Ok, let’s just say I turned my toilet into a Dalmatian last
week. Holy Shit indeed. But now I am better and ready to bring it. And
thank God I came back. Spence Hopkins and Angel Dustin Faber as champions?
Great. A guy that impersonates Ultimate Warrior and a bastard who
impersonates Atom Dan. Yes that’s right, Dustin Faber is Atom Dan version
2.0 think about that for a minute voters. I just hope Sir Cancer Farts
finds a way to get his gimmick back.
Because that’s Adam Dan’s way of thinking. Find a way. As in finding a way
to beat cancer. Unable to use a computer because of your wife? Find a way
to do a podcast to share with everyone anyway. And I don’t know how the
fuck you can get fired from a Burger King, but yes, he found a way on that
too. Be homeless and happy? He found a way. And hopefully he finds a way to
get into our tag tournament. Does that shitty idea have wheels yet?
Ah yes, our glorious tag team tournament. So far we have myself and James
Ryan who is on “injured reserve” and The Ambiguously Gay Duo of Jon and Cam
Gullet. You need to push your sale more Andy. You couldn’t even get team
Lisp-shits to join our tournament. So I make this declaration which I hope
Andy is in favor of. In order to get this thing rolling I give the entire
Monday Night Flaw Universe one week to establish your teams. If we do not
have a full bracket, then Andy and Chris can combine whatever teams
necessary to fill the gaps. So guys, get your shit together or expect Stu
and James Enright to establish team “Fat Bastard” from Andy and Chris’s so
called wisdom.
Speaking of tag teams, I just wanted to say how much I have been enjoying
Team HELL NO. I think team HELL NO is a fantastic mixture of comedy and
talent. Team HELL NO even has an appropriate catchphrase of the same name,
which is HELL NO. I’m so glad the WWE Universe chose this appropriate name
for a team, which is HELL NO and not something else. I mean, what kind of
assholes would live in a stubborn bubble and refuse to call by the correct
name…which is Hell NO. I mean, it’s right there on the t-shirts and
everything. But apparently there are still some jackoffs out there that
can’t get the picture. Maybe they are just trolls or delusional sore
losers. Anyway, I hope team HELL NO holds the belts for at least 2 more
pay-per-views. Go team HELL NO.
…
HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO
Also, I’m glad you guys decided to take the high road on the whole
Primetime Players and Gallagher joke. At first I thought we were going into
some dark humor (pun obviously intended) but I guess I got the wrong
impression. I soon learned that the Prime Time players hate Gallagher
because he destroys watermelon, a fruit enjoyed by many individuals in the
black community. Phew, that was close. I thought you guys were going to go
on a tangent about how Gallagher calls black people spooks or something.
Because here I am thinking “Oh no, they are going to bring the fact that
Gallagher is a racist and uses the term ‘spear chucker’ quite often.”
Thankfully you didn’t. Silly me. Why in god’s name would I ever think you
guys would use such hateful speech like ‘colored clubbering’ or ‘nigga
knashing’ on a well-respected podcast. Glad we cleared that up. Go
diversity!
Let’s talk Divas. It seems Bryan Van Amberalert has some issues with Eve
Torres. Saying for some reason she looks like a man. Then again this is the
same guy who masturbates to Honey Boo Boo and cartoons. Which cartoons you
ask? Rugrats of course. But Bryan is a walking contradiction. He claims he
hates pubic hair as much as he hates the letter “S” even though he gets a
(and I use this term loosely) massive boner for AJ Lee. Whose vag can only
be compared to Buckwheat’s head. It’s not her fault, she has tried to trim
it but that Puerto Ric- uh I mean “Asian” hair of hers is just too coarse.
She has broken blade after blade but with no luck. AJ’s bush will go
through more razors than Dustin Faber’s arm when his daughter discovers
Darwinism.
BUTT FUCKING! (calm down Cam) Yes it seems you guys decided to make this a
topic on Tuesday Afternoon Flaw. I’m surprised James Ryan restrained
himself from talking about AJ Lee’s obsession with anal considering he
stole all my other jokes that night. Thanks for the shout out bro! Yes, it
is true. According to some old shoots made by Jay Lethal, AJ was down for
the brown in more ways than one. Her asshole has been stretched harder than
Jim Enrights pants after going to Hometown Buffet.
Ok, let's close this bitch.
((((Please have Chris read the rest of the email))))
Andy, I’m sure people have given you shit tonight for having the IC Belt.
That or someone admitted to being you 40 minutes ago… but that’s then and
now. I have decided to take the high road and not take any shots at you.
Sorry. I am also not going to be asking any questions this week. Sorry
Chris, I know you enjoy them. Andy, I’m sorry you’ve grown a hatred for the
questions. I always thought it was a nice way to set the pace. A few
paragraphs of funny with a topical question about wrestling. Even some of
the questions were just jokes themselves. But I’ve realized why you hate
the questions so much. It’s not because of me but because of Jon “Garbage
Dick” Drouin. The stupid shit that he asks on Flawedcast is astounding.
Between that and the so called contributions made by Atom Dan, no wonder
you hate questions so much.
Lastly, it seems Cam Gullet is dead. That’s our ginger, following in his
mother’s footsteps. And as a tribute, I’ve decided to let his best friend
Chris Alt read a story to remind us of how Cam died and what we can learn
from it. Actually, he’s going to rap. Show them your southern fried flow
Chris. Because YOU SEE CHRIS, this is your punishment for weaseling out of
the Honey Boo Boo recap for another week. And until you do the recap,
expect to be rapping for every following email.
Have a great night everybody. Enjoy Chris closing the show with his sweet
mic skills.
Love peace and penis grease.
Johnny
(Lets Andy close out the show with a send off and letting Chris rap)
(Rap the following to the tune of Slick Rick’s: Children’s Story, here is a
link if you need help with the beat)
And Here we goooooooo,
Once upon a time not long ago,
When people turned to the Flawedcast shows,
When jokes were made and life was good,
And people were behaving like they ought-ta should,
There lived a little boy who was misled,
By another little boy and this is what he said:
"Listen up Cam, were gonna make some cash,
Sucking on dicks and pounding some ass",
They did the job, money came with ease,
But Cam couldn't stop, it's like he had a disease,
He sucked another and another even his dad and his and Brother,
Tried to blow a man who was a D.T. undercover,
The cop grabbed his arm, Cam started acting faggish,
He said "Keep still homo, no need for rubbish",
Punched him in his dick and he gave him a slap,
But little did he know the Cam Gullet was strapped,
Cam pulled out a gun, he said "Why'd you hit me?",
The bullet was set straight for the cop's kidney,
The cop got scared, but Cam starts to figure,
"I’ll get raped in jail for being a faggy ginger",
So he dashed and ran around the block,
Only to be chased by another cop.
But the cop was coming and he made a left,
He was runnin' top speed till he was outta breath,
Knocked an old man down and swore it was Alan Capps,
Then he made his move to house of Japs,
Ran up the stairs up to the top floor,
Opened up the door there, guess who he saw?,
Jaaaammmeees the fat fuck eating popcorn,
Bitch was so fat all of his clothes were torn,
He said “I need bullets, hurry up, run”
Enright brought back an army shotgun,
He went outside but there was cops all over,
So he carjacked Adam Dan and stole his Nova,
Raced up the block doing 83,
Crashed into a tree near the university,
Escaped alive though Dan’s car was battered,
Rat-a-tat-tatted and all the cops scattered,
Ran out of bullets and still had static,
Grabbed a little midget and pulled out the automatic,
Pointed at his head and he said the gun was full o' lead,
He told the cops “Back off or Nate is dead”
Deep in his heart he knew he was wrong,
So he let the dwarf go and he starts to run on,
Sirens sounded, he seemed astounded,
Before long the lil' boy got surrounded,
He dropped the gun, so went the glory,
And this is the way I have to end this story,
He was only thirteen, at least in Bryan’s dream,
The cops shot the kid just to hear him scream,
This ain't funny so don't you dare laugh,
Just another case about the wrong path,
Straight and narrow or your soul gets CAST.
Goodnight.