MNF 48/Male Bag 31
Dec 2, 2012 13:50:54 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Dec 2, 2012 13:50:54 GMT -5
Check out Monday Night Flaw 48 with JAMES RYAN and Male Bag 31 on iTunes, Stitcher or www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw then come back here and VOTE!!!
And don't forget to vote for IHOP or NAACP in the big tag team tournament!!!
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9034
Nikki Bella
FEED...ME...MORE!!!
FEED...ME...MORE!!!!
FEED...ME...MORE!!!!!!!!
Cam Gullett
Sorry about the no show for the tag team match tournament match last week,
but in my defense it was a stupid idea that only JB King wanted to do
really and even his own partner told him to fuck off and die, and you
paired me with the only person Make-A-Wish has ever sent John Cena to kill
rather than make his dreams come true. Also I had been dead for awhile so I
had more pressing matters.
Are you guys aware of how much chicks dig sparkly vampires these days? I
walk out the front door of my coffin and there are just chicks hitting on
me left and right. Some of them even look more attractive than Kristen
Stewart, most of them are Brian V. Analstyne's territory though so I send
those little tykes with a one-way tickets to North Carolina so they can go
see "Rape-It Ralph" with BVA. (Copyright DLM)
JB King wants to take shots at me, eh? Really? Really? Is that durka durka
jihadist aware that Chris' 4-yeard old has a better grasp of the written
word than he does? She has a better grasp of the spoken word than I do, but
that doesn't make him any less of a Jimmy Kimmell looking cuntraghead.
As far as the wrestling action went this week, I gotta commend WWE for
restraint they have shown with The Shield. Sure they let Ryback get in a
few power moves so that he could retain some of his cred, but this is my
favorite group to come along in awhile. I would like to throw out an idea
for where I think this could be headed even though it will most likely not
get there: The Shield is eventually unveiled as being put together by Paul
Heyman as an insurance plan just in case CM Punk lost control. One of the
members of the group ends up going over Punk at Wrestlemania after they
cause him to lose the belt to The Rock at the Royal Rumble. It probably
won't go down like that, but it would be an interesting way to get these
guys over for sure.
That's all for me this week, because I'm the Campire...and I'm...Awe....no
I'm not doing that actually.
Future Andy Gaston
I'm back, bitches!
Dear me and Chris,
It's me, Andy Gaston from the future. You're probably wondering why I've
dropped off the radar for a few weeks now. It's because I've got a secret
to share. I'm actually from further in the future than I originally let on.
I didn't want to freak anyone out... but the year is 2192. I'm not actually
Andy... I'm a cyborg, culled from the DNA of Andy Gaston. I'm smack dab in
the middle of a human-cyborg war, and I am currently being hunted by some
very cunning and talented people, so I couldn't take the chance of...
Fuck, I can't keep this up. None of that's true. I'm just a lazy fuck, and
haven't bothered e-mailing you for the past few weeks. I just haven't felt
the motivation to e-mail since this whole stupid tag team tournament idea
has been going down. I don't have any way of directly contacting Michael
Demko, since he died about 2 years ago of a massive coronary stroke. I
don't have a time machine, and I don't have his e-mail address, so I have
no way of getting in touch with him. But honestly? Fuck that guy... he
could have e-mailed in last week too, but he didn't.
As for this whole sham of a tournament: just go ahead and give King the
title, since no one else gives a shit about it. I'll probably be on board
for the Rumble, come January... but the tag team idea was silly to begin
with, because it required too much coordination between two people, not
something that our e-mailers are well known for. So bring on the Rumble!
Oh, and last little tidbit for Chris, the gambling man, to get some action
on... always bet on black, bitch.
Love,
Future Andy Gaston
James Ryan
As Heard This Past Tuesday!
Greetings and salutations, Monday Night Flerds!!!! What? That's not
a thing? Well, cue my CAM! "Yeah, that's a thing now" Holy shit!
I'm baaaaacccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!! Well, I sorta never left, as I have now
guested more times on MNFlerd that I have my own show! OHMAGOD DATZ
HILARIOUS JOKE!!!! Who came up with that joke? I really want to
know. I'd like their number, so I could thank them. Maybe?
Well hell, I've been stuck floating around in the doldrums of the
Interwebz after seriously getting my ass handed to me during the King
of the Ring Tourney final by Michael Hodge. "Seriously, that happened,
and it hurt real bad."™ Not to the point in which I cried, no. But to
the point in which I wanted to shove a hot poker up, calm down Cam, JB
King's Sahara. Whoa. Chill out, bro. I know, right? I really have
no clue what that last sentence even meant. WINK WINK.
How could it have all gone so wrong?!? A quick copy and paste job
with 2 different emails and facebook IMs with barely 15-20 minutes to
spare before Male Bag recorded the KOTR Final. There's no stopping
us!!! And to think, that turd of a rambling incoherent email actually
birthed a tag team tournament! Which I didn't take part in! To quote
my Bearded Half, "You're Welcome."
When the dust had settled, JB King sold me up the river and set me up
for an Old World Non-Swear Word Using Beat Down by a Canadian of all
people. In fact, I still don't have a slam on him, he's just too
nice. I literally stared at his face for a good 4 hours one night and
I still couldn't think of something demeaning to say about Hodgey. I
was right there, in his bedroom, just watching him sleep next to his
wife. And BAM, I got nothing! Even his fluttering eyes while he
slept. Probably dreaming about Hat Tricks and Bryan Adams! Oh how I
envy you. Your wife's hair smelled delicious too! Oh and sorry about
eating your last bit of lasagna in the fridge. I was famished. And
don't you worry, cause I left the key under the ceramic frog near the
fire pit right where I found it. Oh, and I murdered your neighbor, Mrs
Crabtree, and left your wallet on her marble counter! Kisses!!!
But fo realz, I was stuck in Purgatory for the past few weeks. Or was
it months? I mean, really with Purgatory, who can tell?!? AMIRITE?
I'm sure Dustin Faber absolutely loved that observational joke.
#BIBLERULES!
During my travels, my name was brought up and pot-shotted by some of
the CHUDS who call the Male Bag home. And I thank you. You'll all be
getting yours very soon. And yes Cam,rejoice, this time I do mean
anal rape. And speaking of which. No Cam, not the rape. Um, yeah,
Cam, I love what you've done with your hair.
You've already heard me pontificate on this past Monday's Monday Night
RAW is WAR show. #UndercoverBlues So you know where I stand. Or pod.
Or yes? Huh? "The Shield?" That name is only slightly better that
the "Union of People You OUghtta Respect, Son." Remember that? That
was a fuckin' thing that lasted maybe 2 weeks! Let's see what other
people think about the name "The Shield".
Oh boy, well, I'm pooped. This phasing back to Earth thing took a lot
out of me. I guess I shouldn't have wasted all my Austin Sanders
jokes on his radical Facebook page. Tell your your special lady
friend I say hi.
I guess I have just enough for one more for Mr. Stu Little. Stubert,
I wasn't here to see your subscriptions to Scotland People and Virgin
Monthly! Congrats! I'm totes jealous of your subscriptions. While I
don't judge people, at all, ever, I will just offer you these kinds
words. Nice katana you got there! That is a solid piece of steel, if
I've ever seen one. Hey, wait a minute, didn't the Highlander, Connor
and his television cousin Duncan, also sports katanas just like that?
What was that movie's tag line again? Oh yes, "There can be only
one!" Or in your case "There can be only None!" #VirginPower
#PromiseRing
Hi Andy. Thanks for doing Male Bag for me this week, Chris.
Later dudes, S you in your A’s. Don’t wear a C and J all over your B’s.
The Golden Voice, James Ryan
Michael Hodge
IHOP vs Team Nazi
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room, where we find Solly and Hodgey listening to the latest episode of IHOP Podcast, available now at flawedcast.net/IHOP and probably on iTunes...
Solly: That's good podcast
Hodgey: It suuure is.
Solly: I just wish we had live hockey to talk about.
Hodgey: Tell me about it, eh?
Solly: Okay, sure. The NHL locked its players out and has cancelled all games through the end of Decem--
Hodgey: Shut up, hoser.
Solly: But you told me to--
Hodgey: Yeah, yeah. If people want to hear old OOWF bits from us, they can find them at OO. I highly recommend "Tanks for nothing."
Solly: Yeah, that was a good one.
Hodgey: So, it looks like the two guys we turned on and attacked last week have joined forces to fight us in what is certainly the most surprising turn of events in wrestling history.
Solly: If we'd just stood around the craft services table long enough instead of attacking them, we probably would have been put into a random tag match anyway. I saw Teddy Long in the area.
Hodgey: Meh. This way's better. It solidifies us as the heels.
Solly: Wait, Austin Sanders is a self-confessed Nazi, I'm a Jew, and we're the heels?
Hodgey: There's no black and white in wrestling anymore. It's all shades of grey, my friend.
Solly: More like shades of bullshit.
Hodgey: It doesn't matter anyway. People like heels better than faces these days. We'll be fine. We just have to be jerks to Cliff Snotes. He's the sympathetic face.
Solly: Fair enough. Cliffsnotes? Is that what your wife calls your dick? Because it's short?
Hodgey: Yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like Cliff Claven.
Hodgey. Um, yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like guy who's teaming with a Nazi.
Hodgey: There we go. Austin Sanders? More like Auschwitz-boners.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: Hitler could grow a mustache.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Solly: What?
Hodgey: Hitler could draw a crowd.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: Some people actually liked Hitler.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Colonel Sanders?
Solly: What?
Hodgey: Colonel Sanders only soldchicken.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Stone Cold Steve Austin?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: The best Austin Sanders has ever been in the Male Bag is lukewarm.
Hodgey:Weren't we supposed to be attacking Cliff Snotes?
Solly: Yeah, but he's too nice a guy. It's too hard.
Hodgey: Too hard? I thought you guys were tag team partners, not life partners.
Solly: Fuck off.
Hodgey: Consider it done. Pass me a beer.
*Fade out*
Cliff Snotes
REVENGE!
[Cliff]:
Hello Andy and Chris.
As you know, last week I teamed with Fred Solomon. I brought forth the Resurrection of Team Fred. And the first official Team Fred email in months earned a Coveted Slow Clap™.
And how does Fred thank me? He responds by betraying his savior, like a typical Je- excuse me, like a typical NEW Jerseyian.
Look Fred, if you want to unite with your podcast partner, I get it. But you could have broken up with me like a real man: by text message. Instead, you stab me in the back while Hodgey beat down his ex-partner, Austin Sanders. FRED! YOU CLIFF KILLER!
But after the beatdown, as I lay on the backstage floor coughing up blood, I looked across the room at Austin Sanders. Nothing needed to be said between us, which is probably for the best. Austin and I share almost nothing in common, except for a single, solitary goal. Revenge on Michael Hodge and Fred Solomon.
Before we were even able to get back on our feet, our tag team had formed. That moment united the ‘Nazi And A Cliff Partnership’, better known as the NAACP.
Our fury and hatred for Fred and Hodgey could not be greater.
*Quick tag to Austin*
HOW DARE YOU ATTACK ME WHEN I WASN'T EVEN THERE! Hey, hodge, real
talk. There was a reason I didn't email in or collaborated with you last week. It's because, and this is from the bottom of my fucking heart, I have no fucking clue who you are. Hell, you're considered the less of 2 Mikes on this network. The only thing I know about you is the fact you do a hockey podcast. I can only imagine what you 2
snowbacks talk about.
Hodge----"Hey eh, I can't get hard because of this freezing weather eh."
Fred---"No eh. It's not because of the cold buddy. It's because your dick doesn't work cause your 400 years old eh."
Hodge---"I don't want to die Fred."
Fred---"Fuk U Hodgey"
AND scene.
*Quick tag to Cliff*
And now it’s my turn to give this audience what they expect:
A mighty blood feud as we
Take.
These.
BASTARDS.
DOWN.
That’s what you want, right Andy?
Right, ANDY?
Isn’t it, you insufferable pig?
You see Andy, through my hatred and anger, I had a moment of clarity. Something didn’t add up… I started pacing the room and talking to the mirror and writing on a glass wall and other common tasks seen in a montage. And finally, I connected the dots. I see through the façade. You almost had me, and it was a good plan, as I was blinded with rage. But this is bigger than Fred and Hodgey. This is a Conspiracy! And you are the puppetmaster that is pulling the strings!
You see, when the seedings were announced, JB was the one seed, Little Jon was the two, Nazi And A Old Guy was the three, and Team Fred was the four seed. I knew that I would lead Team Fred past Roman Polanski, so naturally I was looking ahead to the semi-final matchup against JB King. You know, the one vs four seeds, like in EVERY OTHER tournament in the history of forever. And I know that Little Jon was looking ahead to matching up with Nazi And A Old Guy, as Jon Drouin mentioned he was already working on his plan to distract Hodgey - a sixteen thousand word email to IHOP.
But in the middle of the show last week, after the three and four seeds won their matches by default, it was announced that they would face each other next week. And why is that?
Yes, it’s possible that Andy Gaston is incompetent and doesn’t know how to run a tournament, but that’s not the answer. Yes, it’s possible that IHOP gave Andy a head’s up about their evil dastardly plans! But that’s not the answer either. The truth is that Andy arranged it so that IHOP could reunite and get free advertising for a hockey podcast desperate for listeners when there’s no hockey. Meanwhile, Andy gets his audience excited for a battle with a team of vengeful, scorned, betrayed ex’s. Additionally, Andy gets his coveted JB King vs Stu matchup (because let’s be honest about Team Little Jon: Jon Drouin is deadweight).
Andy, you son of a bitch! You betrayed your email contributors in your unholy quest for ratings! And you weren’t man enough to do it yourself. You had to send your henchmen to do the dirty work! Did you threaten them with canceling their show? Did you pay them off with Canadian bacon and bagels?
So Hodgey and Fred, this isn’t over between us. But you get a pass this week, as we focus on the real enemy: Andy Gaston.
And did you know, that if you take the letters in “Andy Gaston” and rearrange them, you get “Giant motherfucking piece of shit”? You can also get “A Nasty Dong”?
Also, “Spirit Crusher” yields “Rip Shits Recur”.
Andy, you arrogant miscalculating fool, you failed. JB King didn’t screw the Male Bag. Andy screwed The Male Bag, and Andy screwed Andy. You’ve pissed off the core emailers to your ENTIRE MOTHERLOVING NETWORK. How many shows do you think you will have once Cliff Snotes, and Austin Sanders, and JB King, and Stu Little, and even Jon Drouin and his stupid clones stop emailing your stupid network? Dustin Faber and Tom Roper are already out the door, and James Ryan apparently forgot how to type. You’d better pray that Dustin Hawes becomes prolific, otherwise enjoy a network starring Adam Dan and Justin Drew and Cam Gullett.
I am Cliff Snotes. Shove this tournament up your ass.
*Quick tag to Austin*
It happened. And you faggots let it happen.
XOXOXOXOXO
NAACP
PS. *Long fart*
JB King
The retarded time traveling mis-adventures of JB KING!
Hey guys! What an incredible week! Dustin you have certainly missed out.
The meth is working! I can time travel! I can be everywhere and ANYwhere!
Maybe I should give you guys a heads up of what I’ve been doing. And no
Chris, hate to break your heart but I didn’t mess with Lincoln or the
slaves…you racist. However I will be happy to go over what I did. Now hit
the strangely inappropriate music!
**The Power of Love: Huey Lewis and the news**
(Gets in car, plays song on Stu’s Beta-max and drives off)
My first visit was to 2017. All hail King Jeb Bush! I was at a small home
in newly name changed city of “Win-a-mexican” Nevada. There I saw future
Andy. Looked very similar to current Andy, except with a bigger pair of
sunglasses to help cover his ever so growing widow’s peaks. Also, he still
had some bad scars from the attack Jon Drouin gave him five years ago. Man,
whatever he was thinking with that e-mail I’ll never know. Anyway, I broke
both of Andy’s hands in order to prevent him from sending an email. I’m
sorry Andy, good news though, apparently Patton is still alive. Just
remember to stop feeding him your left over Jack in the Box. You will
understand why soon enough. I quickly then drove off to my next
destination.
The year is 1999, and I noticed Chris Alt bored at a local Chic-Fil-A. I
couldn’t recognize him at first because he actually had a (somewhat) full
head of hair. He was in some sort of argument with a friend of his.
Probably had something to do with Legos. Anyway, as a gesture I chucked a
Lit CD at his head and quickly drove off.
What’s this?
It looks like an album?
What band?
Lit…
Lit?
LIT.
LIT???
YES!!!!
Then I decided to go a decade into the future, I ended up in Iraq. And you
wouldn’t believe who I saw going through multiple rations in a tent, James
Enright! He was just as big then as he is now. Unfortunately, once he saw
me he began firing uncontrollably. Not because I look like the enemy over
here, but due to a partial stroke James was suddenly suffering from. That’s
what happens when you eat 6 food ration packs in less than 10 minutes I
suppose. Luckily I dodged the fire and was able to get out of there. And
wouldn’t you know it, he ended up blind firing and hitting a spy in the
tent next door. Good job James! That should earn you a medal of some sort.
But I was messing with more than our beloved CHUDs on the flawedcast
network. In 1992 I sat at a bar with Dennis Quaid with a script in my hand.
I said, “Excuse me Mr. Quaid, but maybe you should look at this awesome
script. You may enjoy it. It’s called Undercover Blues.” And now you know
the rest of the story, you’re welcome Andy. Also, that same year, I went to
the Cincinnati Zoo. There was a strange Indian woman that fell unconscious
in the poor Giraffe den. I could not believe what happened next. You
guessed it, Sodomy. As the giraffe let out an erotic cry of orgasmic
proportions. The glimmer in its eye looked very familiar…Austin? It’s
Austin Sanders! I saw Austin actually become Austin! It happened, and there
was nothing his mother could do about it. Well, actually, she could have.
But you know, brown people don’t like abortions with the whole ‘God’
bullshit. But whatever, welcome to the world (and womb) Austin!
I didn’t use all of my powers for good though, I also did some things for
the worst. I also got to sit down and talk to Tiger Woods just a few years
ago. I told him “Listen, Tiger. That truck stop whore in Arkansas is going
to blow the lid off this whole sex scandal thing. I know you don’t want to
lose your kids and wife. So the only logical conclusion is to kill Cinnamon
Gullet…with your penis!” Tiger was a little loaded but was still coherent
enough to fuck Cam’s mom to death. I had a camera phone out. I didn’t
record this for personal pleasure, but so I could send something to Tiger’s
wife later. Teehee I’m such a bitch.
Finally, I saw the grim future. It is 2020. James Enright. Dead. Ham
Sandwich. James Ryan. Employed actor doing gay porn. His latest film
involves James playing an Italian Chef who falls in love with his Mexican
dishwasher. The movie is entitled “Sausage and Peppers”. BVA was convicted
to a maximum security prison when he was convicted for child molestation
just weeks after reprising the role as Elmo. Although Elmo with a horrible
lisp has helped remind everyone to be thankful for what they have. He
helped donate millions of dollars to mutant children with speaking
disorders. ‘Little Lispers’ is still running ‘stwong’ as BVA would say it.
Dustin Faber is a special case. Much like last month on the podcast he has
slipped into a deep insanity. Dark Faber has assassinated multiple victims
including, shit you not, 6 different popes. How you ask? Jon Drouin became
the pope. He was able to appeal to everyone with his multiple
personalities.
**Back to the future theme**
Which reminds me, it looks like I have to tell you about what’s going to
happen between myself and team virgin monthly, “Because I’m a face like
that!” You don’t understand this now but Stu will be pissed about that. I
know everything that will happen! And I say bring it! Matter of fact. I’m
going to warp to the time I have to fight Jon and Stu. The tag team of
future King and present King vs Stu and Jon will be of epic proportions!
If you guys have any requests of where and when I should end up. Let me
know! Until then, I have a tag team match to win!
Love peace an -Whoa whats going on! OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
(car malfunctions and warps into obscurity)
…to be continued.
Stu Little
So Called Heroes and Tag Team Turmoil
Hello guys,
Undercover Blues, huh? I'll have to add that to my annual Dennis Quaid marathon. This year it's also going to be Innerspace(I can relate to a guy called Martin Short), Dragonheart(Sean Connery!) and GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (aka The "Good" version of a Transformers movie).
Anyway, onto this week's Smackdown, which began with John Cena being a surly guest on MizTV, and getting pissy when Miz asks Cena how it felt when he made a point to kiss AJ in public, on live tv in front of millions of people he knew would be curious about it. Then he made a joke about Vickie eating nuts and despite the fact she's a mother, implied she was a man. This all came before he'd much later in the show attack Dolph Ziggler from behind because, y'know...he's a FACE! Rise Above Hate and BA Star and all that...
In a subsequent backstage segment, Booker T chastised Sheamus for attacking Big Show with a chair at Survivor Series...then 3 seconds later booked a match for TLC where Sheamus would get to legally do that, booked Big Show into a handicap match, then gave Sheamus a private box with William Regal to spend the night off because, y'know...he's a FACE! And speaking of Sheamus and Regal, I can't because that James Ryan argued that those two shouldn't be friends because they're from different nationalities. Your obsession with perpetuating stereotypes sickens me, James. I'll have to do a piece on this in the column I write for Bagpipe Monthly. I hope you two have gotten around to renewing your subscriptions for it, by the way.
Onto Raw, and after winning the opening bout of the show, Ryback decided he'd hold Raw to ransom in order to extort a match out of Vickie Guerrero, and then he beat up one of the security guards who was just doing his job, because, y'know...he's a FACE!
During the Rey Mysterio-Daniel Bryan match, did you catch King say he only JUST recently learned that Rey Mysterio means "Mystery King"? I guess he did as much research into the wrestlers as he did into cholesterol.
I don't know why I never really thought about it before, but I got a bit grossed out after the Cena/Ziggler match when Cena took off all his wristbands and arm bands to toss to the crowd. Damn, John, do you really think kids want your stankass merchandise all covered in sweat, Dolph's hair gel and AJ's bush grease?
And on that note, onto the next round of the Tag Team Tournament! Little Jon are 1-0, and we're hungry for more, so please, hit our (NOT FULL LENGTH) music!
*Everything I do, I do for you*
(as before, Andy as Stu(let's forget this accent this time), Chris as Jon)
Stu: Hey, Jon. How you doing?
Jon: Pretty good, Stu! Though...I've been thinking...you won the World Championship for last week's e-mail, right?
Stu: Sure did. *Stu pats the title*
Jon: But our tag team effort was in that e-mail, so don't I deserve half of that?
Stu: Hahahahaha....no. And I'll tell you why.
Jon: Why?
Stu: Because go fuck yourself, that's why. Anyway...JB King...yeah, you sure talked a good fight just now with your e-mail this week. I particularly liked the bit about time travel...because we're gonna knock you into next week! Because for all your smartass putdowns and meth-addled imaginitive scenarios, you forgot that you don't have a partner, but I do, as bland and worthless as he is. This isn't a tag team match...this is a handicap match!
*Stu and Jon jump JB, clubbing down to the mat and stomping on him while he's down until the referee makes Jon go to the corner. Stu keeps up the pressure on JB with one of his signature moves, the Kilt In Action, then goes to tag in Jon...only find he's transformed into Cliff's Snotes! Stu shrugs and tags him in anyway, and Cliff nails JB with the Notetaker! He suddenly remembers though that he walked out of this tournament earlier and that his appearance here makes no sense, so he tags out again, Stu runs off the ropes to connect with the Glasgow Kiss charging headbutt, only to go back to make a tag to...SERPIENTE ENMASCARADA?!*
Serpiente: HIJO DE PUTA!
*Serpiente springboards off the middle ropes at JB with a flying Pele Kick or as Serpiente Calls it "The GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL FUCK YOURSELF"
Another tag to Stu, who goes up top, steels himself and hits the 450 Corkscrew Rolling Senton Into a Standing Moonsault, Into A Standing Shooting Star Press, or "Virgin Airlines" for short. But he doesn't cover JB, instead tags in Jon Drouin...only to blast him in the back of the head with the World Championship! ERMAHGERD! Stu drags JB on top of the unconscious Jon.
1!
2!
3!
JB KING WINS! Stu helps him back up and gets on the mic
Stu: Consider Team Little Jon OVER, and say hello to...THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND! Cliff was right, Jon. There is a conspiracy round here. But it's not by Andy. It's mine and JB's. And it was HOURS in the making! You brought this on yourself, Jon. I never wanted to be part of this tournament, buf if I was going to be forced into it, I deserved a certain standard of partner. Someone who could live up to the legacy I brought to the table. I could have teamed with Cliff and been one half of "The Team of Little Note", but noooooooo, you had to be the most bland and boring personality, Jon Drouin. You know if you rearrange the letters in "Jon Drouin" you get "Round Join"? See? Even your anagrams are worthless! I'm moving on up, and leaving you in the gutter when you belong!
*at ringside the special commentary team for this match Jesse Ventura and Jon Meredith are completely shocked*
Jesse Ventura: IT WAS A CONSPIRACY! I KNEW IT!
Jon Meredith: Sorry, what? I was distracted playing "Lego Requiem For A Dream". The Ass to Ass scene is adorable in this.
JB and Stu raise their hands in victory.
Stu
JB King
Oh Christ! I'm about to crash into the ring!
*(crashes into the ring)*
*
*
*(crushes present day JB KING with the car)*
* *
*Okay I’m here and- OH GOD NO!*
*
*
*I just killed myself!!!*
*
*
*Come one wake up me! Wake up!*
*
*
*What have I done?*
*
*
*Oh shit what’s going to happen to me?*
*
*
*I created a time paradox!*
*
*
*Ok, calm down, maybe nothing bad will happen.*
*
*
*Maybe everything will be ok.*
Wait, why are my hands disappearing?
Why do I feel funny...
hfdkjsahflasdjhfslakdjfh
(fades to nothing due to time paradox)
And don't forget to vote for IHOP or NAACP in the big tag team tournament!!!
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9034
Nikki Bella
FEED...ME...MORE!!!
FEED...ME...MORE!!!!
FEED...ME...MORE!!!!!!!!
Cam Gullett
Sorry about the no show for the tag team match tournament match last week,
but in my defense it was a stupid idea that only JB King wanted to do
really and even his own partner told him to fuck off and die, and you
paired me with the only person Make-A-Wish has ever sent John Cena to kill
rather than make his dreams come true. Also I had been dead for awhile so I
had more pressing matters.
Are you guys aware of how much chicks dig sparkly vampires these days? I
walk out the front door of my coffin and there are just chicks hitting on
me left and right. Some of them even look more attractive than Kristen
Stewart, most of them are Brian V. Analstyne's territory though so I send
those little tykes with a one-way tickets to North Carolina so they can go
see "Rape-It Ralph" with BVA. (Copyright DLM)
JB King wants to take shots at me, eh? Really? Really? Is that durka durka
jihadist aware that Chris' 4-yeard old has a better grasp of the written
word than he does? She has a better grasp of the spoken word than I do, but
that doesn't make him any less of a Jimmy Kimmell looking cuntraghead.
As far as the wrestling action went this week, I gotta commend WWE for
restraint they have shown with The Shield. Sure they let Ryback get in a
few power moves so that he could retain some of his cred, but this is my
favorite group to come along in awhile. I would like to throw out an idea
for where I think this could be headed even though it will most likely not
get there: The Shield is eventually unveiled as being put together by Paul
Heyman as an insurance plan just in case CM Punk lost control. One of the
members of the group ends up going over Punk at Wrestlemania after they
cause him to lose the belt to The Rock at the Royal Rumble. It probably
won't go down like that, but it would be an interesting way to get these
guys over for sure.
That's all for me this week, because I'm the Campire...and I'm...Awe....no
I'm not doing that actually.
Future Andy Gaston
I'm back, bitches!
Dear me and Chris,
It's me, Andy Gaston from the future. You're probably wondering why I've
dropped off the radar for a few weeks now. It's because I've got a secret
to share. I'm actually from further in the future than I originally let on.
I didn't want to freak anyone out... but the year is 2192. I'm not actually
Andy... I'm a cyborg, culled from the DNA of Andy Gaston. I'm smack dab in
the middle of a human-cyborg war, and I am currently being hunted by some
very cunning and talented people, so I couldn't take the chance of...
Fuck, I can't keep this up. None of that's true. I'm just a lazy fuck, and
haven't bothered e-mailing you for the past few weeks. I just haven't felt
the motivation to e-mail since this whole stupid tag team tournament idea
has been going down. I don't have any way of directly contacting Michael
Demko, since he died about 2 years ago of a massive coronary stroke. I
don't have a time machine, and I don't have his e-mail address, so I have
no way of getting in touch with him. But honestly? Fuck that guy... he
could have e-mailed in last week too, but he didn't.
As for this whole sham of a tournament: just go ahead and give King the
title, since no one else gives a shit about it. I'll probably be on board
for the Rumble, come January... but the tag team idea was silly to begin
with, because it required too much coordination between two people, not
something that our e-mailers are well known for. So bring on the Rumble!
Oh, and last little tidbit for Chris, the gambling man, to get some action
on... always bet on black, bitch.
Love,
Future Andy Gaston
James Ryan
As Heard This Past Tuesday!
Greetings and salutations, Monday Night Flerds!!!! What? That's not
a thing? Well, cue my CAM! "Yeah, that's a thing now" Holy shit!
I'm baaaaacccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!! Well, I sorta never left, as I have now
guested more times on MNFlerd that I have my own show! OHMAGOD DATZ
HILARIOUS JOKE!!!! Who came up with that joke? I really want to
know. I'd like their number, so I could thank them. Maybe?
Well hell, I've been stuck floating around in the doldrums of the
Interwebz after seriously getting my ass handed to me during the King
of the Ring Tourney final by Michael Hodge. "Seriously, that happened,
and it hurt real bad."™ Not to the point in which I cried, no. But to
the point in which I wanted to shove a hot poker up, calm down Cam, JB
King's Sahara. Whoa. Chill out, bro. I know, right? I really have
no clue what that last sentence even meant. WINK WINK.
How could it have all gone so wrong?!? A quick copy and paste job
with 2 different emails and facebook IMs with barely 15-20 minutes to
spare before Male Bag recorded the KOTR Final. There's no stopping
us!!! And to think, that turd of a rambling incoherent email actually
birthed a tag team tournament! Which I didn't take part in! To quote
my Bearded Half, "You're Welcome."
When the dust had settled, JB King sold me up the river and set me up
for an Old World Non-Swear Word Using Beat Down by a Canadian of all
people. In fact, I still don't have a slam on him, he's just too
nice. I literally stared at his face for a good 4 hours one night and
I still couldn't think of something demeaning to say about Hodgey. I
was right there, in his bedroom, just watching him sleep next to his
wife. And BAM, I got nothing! Even his fluttering eyes while he
slept. Probably dreaming about Hat Tricks and Bryan Adams! Oh how I
envy you. Your wife's hair smelled delicious too! Oh and sorry about
eating your last bit of lasagna in the fridge. I was famished. And
don't you worry, cause I left the key under the ceramic frog near the
fire pit right where I found it. Oh, and I murdered your neighbor, Mrs
Crabtree, and left your wallet on her marble counter! Kisses!!!
But fo realz, I was stuck in Purgatory for the past few weeks. Or was
it months? I mean, really with Purgatory, who can tell?!? AMIRITE?
I'm sure Dustin Faber absolutely loved that observational joke.
#BIBLERULES!
During my travels, my name was brought up and pot-shotted by some of
the CHUDS who call the Male Bag home. And I thank you. You'll all be
getting yours very soon. And yes Cam,rejoice, this time I do mean
anal rape. And speaking of which. No Cam, not the rape. Um, yeah,
Cam, I love what you've done with your hair.
You've already heard me pontificate on this past Monday's Monday Night
RAW is WAR show. #UndercoverBlues So you know where I stand. Or pod.
Or yes? Huh? "The Shield?" That name is only slightly better that
the "Union of People You OUghtta Respect, Son." Remember that? That
was a fuckin' thing that lasted maybe 2 weeks! Let's see what other
people think about the name "The Shield".
Oh boy, well, I'm pooped. This phasing back to Earth thing took a lot
out of me. I guess I shouldn't have wasted all my Austin Sanders
jokes on his radical Facebook page. Tell your your special lady
friend I say hi.
I guess I have just enough for one more for Mr. Stu Little. Stubert,
I wasn't here to see your subscriptions to Scotland People and Virgin
Monthly! Congrats! I'm totes jealous of your subscriptions. While I
don't judge people, at all, ever, I will just offer you these kinds
words. Nice katana you got there! That is a solid piece of steel, if
I've ever seen one. Hey, wait a minute, didn't the Highlander, Connor
and his television cousin Duncan, also sports katanas just like that?
What was that movie's tag line again? Oh yes, "There can be only
one!" Or in your case "There can be only None!" #VirginPower
#PromiseRing
Hi Andy. Thanks for doing Male Bag for me this week, Chris.
Later dudes, S you in your A’s. Don’t wear a C and J all over your B’s.
The Golden Voice, James Ryan
Michael Hodge
IHOP vs Team Nazi
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room, where we find Solly and Hodgey listening to the latest episode of IHOP Podcast, available now at flawedcast.net/IHOP and probably on iTunes...
Solly: That's good podcast
Hodgey: It suuure is.
Solly: I just wish we had live hockey to talk about.
Hodgey: Tell me about it, eh?
Solly: Okay, sure. The NHL locked its players out and has cancelled all games through the end of Decem--
Hodgey: Shut up, hoser.
Solly: But you told me to--
Hodgey: Yeah, yeah. If people want to hear old OOWF bits from us, they can find them at OO. I highly recommend "Tanks for nothing."
Solly: Yeah, that was a good one.
Hodgey: So, it looks like the two guys we turned on and attacked last week have joined forces to fight us in what is certainly the most surprising turn of events in wrestling history.
Solly: If we'd just stood around the craft services table long enough instead of attacking them, we probably would have been put into a random tag match anyway. I saw Teddy Long in the area.
Hodgey: Meh. This way's better. It solidifies us as the heels.
Solly: Wait, Austin Sanders is a self-confessed Nazi, I'm a Jew, and we're the heels?
Hodgey: There's no black and white in wrestling anymore. It's all shades of grey, my friend.
Solly: More like shades of bullshit.
Hodgey: It doesn't matter anyway. People like heels better than faces these days. We'll be fine. We just have to be jerks to Cliff Snotes. He's the sympathetic face.
Solly: Fair enough. Cliffsnotes? Is that what your wife calls your dick? Because it's short?
Hodgey: Yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like Cliff Claven.
Hodgey. Um, yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like guy who's teaming with a Nazi.
Hodgey: There we go. Austin Sanders? More like Auschwitz-boners.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: Hitler could grow a mustache.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Solly: What?
Hodgey: Hitler could draw a crowd.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: Some people actually liked Hitler.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Colonel Sanders?
Solly: What?
Hodgey: Colonel Sanders only soldchicken.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Stone Cold Steve Austin?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: The best Austin Sanders has ever been in the Male Bag is lukewarm.
Hodgey:Weren't we supposed to be attacking Cliff Snotes?
Solly: Yeah, but he's too nice a guy. It's too hard.
Hodgey: Too hard? I thought you guys were tag team partners, not life partners.
Solly: Fuck off.
Hodgey: Consider it done. Pass me a beer.
*Fade out*
Cliff Snotes
REVENGE!
[Cliff]:
Hello Andy and Chris.
As you know, last week I teamed with Fred Solomon. I brought forth the Resurrection of Team Fred. And the first official Team Fred email in months earned a Coveted Slow Clap™.
And how does Fred thank me? He responds by betraying his savior, like a typical Je- excuse me, like a typical NEW Jerseyian.
Look Fred, if you want to unite with your podcast partner, I get it. But you could have broken up with me like a real man: by text message. Instead, you stab me in the back while Hodgey beat down his ex-partner, Austin Sanders. FRED! YOU CLIFF KILLER!
But after the beatdown, as I lay on the backstage floor coughing up blood, I looked across the room at Austin Sanders. Nothing needed to be said between us, which is probably for the best. Austin and I share almost nothing in common, except for a single, solitary goal. Revenge on Michael Hodge and Fred Solomon.
Before we were even able to get back on our feet, our tag team had formed. That moment united the ‘Nazi And A Cliff Partnership’, better known as the NAACP.
Our fury and hatred for Fred and Hodgey could not be greater.
*Quick tag to Austin*
HOW DARE YOU ATTACK ME WHEN I WASN'T EVEN THERE! Hey, hodge, real
talk. There was a reason I didn't email in or collaborated with you last week. It's because, and this is from the bottom of my fucking heart, I have no fucking clue who you are. Hell, you're considered the less of 2 Mikes on this network. The only thing I know about you is the fact you do a hockey podcast. I can only imagine what you 2
snowbacks talk about.
Hodge----"Hey eh, I can't get hard because of this freezing weather eh."
Fred---"No eh. It's not because of the cold buddy. It's because your dick doesn't work cause your 400 years old eh."
Hodge---"I don't want to die Fred."
Fred---"Fuk U Hodgey"
AND scene.
*Quick tag to Cliff*
And now it’s my turn to give this audience what they expect:
A mighty blood feud as we
Take.
These.
BASTARDS.
DOWN.
That’s what you want, right Andy?
Right, ANDY?
Isn’t it, you insufferable pig?
You see Andy, through my hatred and anger, I had a moment of clarity. Something didn’t add up… I started pacing the room and talking to the mirror and writing on a glass wall and other common tasks seen in a montage. And finally, I connected the dots. I see through the façade. You almost had me, and it was a good plan, as I was blinded with rage. But this is bigger than Fred and Hodgey. This is a Conspiracy! And you are the puppetmaster that is pulling the strings!
You see, when the seedings were announced, JB was the one seed, Little Jon was the two, Nazi And A Old Guy was the three, and Team Fred was the four seed. I knew that I would lead Team Fred past Roman Polanski, so naturally I was looking ahead to the semi-final matchup against JB King. You know, the one vs four seeds, like in EVERY OTHER tournament in the history of forever. And I know that Little Jon was looking ahead to matching up with Nazi And A Old Guy, as Jon Drouin mentioned he was already working on his plan to distract Hodgey - a sixteen thousand word email to IHOP.
But in the middle of the show last week, after the three and four seeds won their matches by default, it was announced that they would face each other next week. And why is that?
Yes, it’s possible that Andy Gaston is incompetent and doesn’t know how to run a tournament, but that’s not the answer. Yes, it’s possible that IHOP gave Andy a head’s up about their evil dastardly plans! But that’s not the answer either. The truth is that Andy arranged it so that IHOP could reunite and get free advertising for a hockey podcast desperate for listeners when there’s no hockey. Meanwhile, Andy gets his audience excited for a battle with a team of vengeful, scorned, betrayed ex’s. Additionally, Andy gets his coveted JB King vs Stu matchup (because let’s be honest about Team Little Jon: Jon Drouin is deadweight).
Andy, you son of a bitch! You betrayed your email contributors in your unholy quest for ratings! And you weren’t man enough to do it yourself. You had to send your henchmen to do the dirty work! Did you threaten them with canceling their show? Did you pay them off with Canadian bacon and bagels?
So Hodgey and Fred, this isn’t over between us. But you get a pass this week, as we focus on the real enemy: Andy Gaston.
And did you know, that if you take the letters in “Andy Gaston” and rearrange them, you get “Giant motherfucking piece of shit”? You can also get “A Nasty Dong”?
Also, “Spirit Crusher” yields “Rip Shits Recur”.
Andy, you arrogant miscalculating fool, you failed. JB King didn’t screw the Male Bag. Andy screwed The Male Bag, and Andy screwed Andy. You’ve pissed off the core emailers to your ENTIRE MOTHERLOVING NETWORK. How many shows do you think you will have once Cliff Snotes, and Austin Sanders, and JB King, and Stu Little, and even Jon Drouin and his stupid clones stop emailing your stupid network? Dustin Faber and Tom Roper are already out the door, and James Ryan apparently forgot how to type. You’d better pray that Dustin Hawes becomes prolific, otherwise enjoy a network starring Adam Dan and Justin Drew and Cam Gullett.
I am Cliff Snotes. Shove this tournament up your ass.
*Quick tag to Austin*
It happened. And you faggots let it happen.
XOXOXOXOXO
NAACP
PS. *Long fart*
JB King
The retarded time traveling mis-adventures of JB KING!
Hey guys! What an incredible week! Dustin you have certainly missed out.
The meth is working! I can time travel! I can be everywhere and ANYwhere!
Maybe I should give you guys a heads up of what I’ve been doing. And no
Chris, hate to break your heart but I didn’t mess with Lincoln or the
slaves…you racist. However I will be happy to go over what I did. Now hit
the strangely inappropriate music!
**The Power of Love: Huey Lewis and the news**
(Gets in car, plays song on Stu’s Beta-max and drives off)
My first visit was to 2017. All hail King Jeb Bush! I was at a small home
in newly name changed city of “Win-a-mexican” Nevada. There I saw future
Andy. Looked very similar to current Andy, except with a bigger pair of
sunglasses to help cover his ever so growing widow’s peaks. Also, he still
had some bad scars from the attack Jon Drouin gave him five years ago. Man,
whatever he was thinking with that e-mail I’ll never know. Anyway, I broke
both of Andy’s hands in order to prevent him from sending an email. I’m
sorry Andy, good news though, apparently Patton is still alive. Just
remember to stop feeding him your left over Jack in the Box. You will
understand why soon enough. I quickly then drove off to my next
destination.
The year is 1999, and I noticed Chris Alt bored at a local Chic-Fil-A. I
couldn’t recognize him at first because he actually had a (somewhat) full
head of hair. He was in some sort of argument with a friend of his.
Probably had something to do with Legos. Anyway, as a gesture I chucked a
Lit CD at his head and quickly drove off.
What’s this?
It looks like an album?
What band?
Lit…
Lit?
LIT.
LIT???
YES!!!!
Then I decided to go a decade into the future, I ended up in Iraq. And you
wouldn’t believe who I saw going through multiple rations in a tent, James
Enright! He was just as big then as he is now. Unfortunately, once he saw
me he began firing uncontrollably. Not because I look like the enemy over
here, but due to a partial stroke James was suddenly suffering from. That’s
what happens when you eat 6 food ration packs in less than 10 minutes I
suppose. Luckily I dodged the fire and was able to get out of there. And
wouldn’t you know it, he ended up blind firing and hitting a spy in the
tent next door. Good job James! That should earn you a medal of some sort.
But I was messing with more than our beloved CHUDs on the flawedcast
network. In 1992 I sat at a bar with Dennis Quaid with a script in my hand.
I said, “Excuse me Mr. Quaid, but maybe you should look at this awesome
script. You may enjoy it. It’s called Undercover Blues.” And now you know
the rest of the story, you’re welcome Andy. Also, that same year, I went to
the Cincinnati Zoo. There was a strange Indian woman that fell unconscious
in the poor Giraffe den. I could not believe what happened next. You
guessed it, Sodomy. As the giraffe let out an erotic cry of orgasmic
proportions. The glimmer in its eye looked very familiar…Austin? It’s
Austin Sanders! I saw Austin actually become Austin! It happened, and there
was nothing his mother could do about it. Well, actually, she could have.
But you know, brown people don’t like abortions with the whole ‘God’
bullshit. But whatever, welcome to the world (and womb) Austin!
I didn’t use all of my powers for good though, I also did some things for
the worst. I also got to sit down and talk to Tiger Woods just a few years
ago. I told him “Listen, Tiger. That truck stop whore in Arkansas is going
to blow the lid off this whole sex scandal thing. I know you don’t want to
lose your kids and wife. So the only logical conclusion is to kill Cinnamon
Gullet…with your penis!” Tiger was a little loaded but was still coherent
enough to fuck Cam’s mom to death. I had a camera phone out. I didn’t
record this for personal pleasure, but so I could send something to Tiger’s
wife later. Teehee I’m such a bitch.
Finally, I saw the grim future. It is 2020. James Enright. Dead. Ham
Sandwich. James Ryan. Employed actor doing gay porn. His latest film
involves James playing an Italian Chef who falls in love with his Mexican
dishwasher. The movie is entitled “Sausage and Peppers”. BVA was convicted
to a maximum security prison when he was convicted for child molestation
just weeks after reprising the role as Elmo. Although Elmo with a horrible
lisp has helped remind everyone to be thankful for what they have. He
helped donate millions of dollars to mutant children with speaking
disorders. ‘Little Lispers’ is still running ‘stwong’ as BVA would say it.
Dustin Faber is a special case. Much like last month on the podcast he has
slipped into a deep insanity. Dark Faber has assassinated multiple victims
including, shit you not, 6 different popes. How you ask? Jon Drouin became
the pope. He was able to appeal to everyone with his multiple
personalities.
**Back to the future theme**
Which reminds me, it looks like I have to tell you about what’s going to
happen between myself and team virgin monthly, “Because I’m a face like
that!” You don’t understand this now but Stu will be pissed about that. I
know everything that will happen! And I say bring it! Matter of fact. I’m
going to warp to the time I have to fight Jon and Stu. The tag team of
future King and present King vs Stu and Jon will be of epic proportions!
If you guys have any requests of where and when I should end up. Let me
know! Until then, I have a tag team match to win!
Love peace an -Whoa whats going on! OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
(car malfunctions and warps into obscurity)
…to be continued.
Stu Little
So Called Heroes and Tag Team Turmoil
Hello guys,
Undercover Blues, huh? I'll have to add that to my annual Dennis Quaid marathon. This year it's also going to be Innerspace(I can relate to a guy called Martin Short), Dragonheart(Sean Connery!) and GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (aka The "Good" version of a Transformers movie).
Anyway, onto this week's Smackdown, which began with John Cena being a surly guest on MizTV, and getting pissy when Miz asks Cena how it felt when he made a point to kiss AJ in public, on live tv in front of millions of people he knew would be curious about it. Then he made a joke about Vickie eating nuts and despite the fact she's a mother, implied she was a man. This all came before he'd much later in the show attack Dolph Ziggler from behind because, y'know...he's a FACE! Rise Above Hate and BA Star and all that...
In a subsequent backstage segment, Booker T chastised Sheamus for attacking Big Show with a chair at Survivor Series...then 3 seconds later booked a match for TLC where Sheamus would get to legally do that, booked Big Show into a handicap match, then gave Sheamus a private box with William Regal to spend the night off because, y'know...he's a FACE! And speaking of Sheamus and Regal, I can't because that James Ryan argued that those two shouldn't be friends because they're from different nationalities. Your obsession with perpetuating stereotypes sickens me, James. I'll have to do a piece on this in the column I write for Bagpipe Monthly. I hope you two have gotten around to renewing your subscriptions for it, by the way.
Onto Raw, and after winning the opening bout of the show, Ryback decided he'd hold Raw to ransom in order to extort a match out of Vickie Guerrero, and then he beat up one of the security guards who was just doing his job, because, y'know...he's a FACE!
During the Rey Mysterio-Daniel Bryan match, did you catch King say he only JUST recently learned that Rey Mysterio means "Mystery King"? I guess he did as much research into the wrestlers as he did into cholesterol.
I don't know why I never really thought about it before, but I got a bit grossed out after the Cena/Ziggler match when Cena took off all his wristbands and arm bands to toss to the crowd. Damn, John, do you really think kids want your stankass merchandise all covered in sweat, Dolph's hair gel and AJ's bush grease?
And on that note, onto the next round of the Tag Team Tournament! Little Jon are 1-0, and we're hungry for more, so please, hit our (NOT FULL LENGTH) music!
*Everything I do, I do for you*
(as before, Andy as Stu(let's forget this accent this time), Chris as Jon)
Stu: Hey, Jon. How you doing?
Jon: Pretty good, Stu! Though...I've been thinking...you won the World Championship for last week's e-mail, right?
Stu: Sure did. *Stu pats the title*
Jon: But our tag team effort was in that e-mail, so don't I deserve half of that?
Stu: Hahahahaha....no. And I'll tell you why.
Jon: Why?
Stu: Because go fuck yourself, that's why. Anyway...JB King...yeah, you sure talked a good fight just now with your e-mail this week. I particularly liked the bit about time travel...because we're gonna knock you into next week! Because for all your smartass putdowns and meth-addled imaginitive scenarios, you forgot that you don't have a partner, but I do, as bland and worthless as he is. This isn't a tag team match...this is a handicap match!
*Stu and Jon jump JB, clubbing down to the mat and stomping on him while he's down until the referee makes Jon go to the corner. Stu keeps up the pressure on JB with one of his signature moves, the Kilt In Action, then goes to tag in Jon...only find he's transformed into Cliff's Snotes! Stu shrugs and tags him in anyway, and Cliff nails JB with the Notetaker! He suddenly remembers though that he walked out of this tournament earlier and that his appearance here makes no sense, so he tags out again, Stu runs off the ropes to connect with the Glasgow Kiss charging headbutt, only to go back to make a tag to...SERPIENTE ENMASCARADA?!*
Serpiente: HIJO DE PUTA!
*Serpiente springboards off the middle ropes at JB with a flying Pele Kick or as Serpiente Calls it "The GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL FUCK YOURSELF"
Another tag to Stu, who goes up top, steels himself and hits the 450 Corkscrew Rolling Senton Into a Standing Moonsault, Into A Standing Shooting Star Press, or "Virgin Airlines" for short. But he doesn't cover JB, instead tags in Jon Drouin...only to blast him in the back of the head with the World Championship! ERMAHGERD! Stu drags JB on top of the unconscious Jon.
1!
2!
3!
JB KING WINS! Stu helps him back up and gets on the mic
Stu: Consider Team Little Jon OVER, and say hello to...THE LAST KINGS OF SCOTLAND! Cliff was right, Jon. There is a conspiracy round here. But it's not by Andy. It's mine and JB's. And it was HOURS in the making! You brought this on yourself, Jon. I never wanted to be part of this tournament, buf if I was going to be forced into it, I deserved a certain standard of partner. Someone who could live up to the legacy I brought to the table. I could have teamed with Cliff and been one half of "The Team of Little Note", but noooooooo, you had to be the most bland and boring personality, Jon Drouin. You know if you rearrange the letters in "Jon Drouin" you get "Round Join"? See? Even your anagrams are worthless! I'm moving on up, and leaving you in the gutter when you belong!
*at ringside the special commentary team for this match Jesse Ventura and Jon Meredith are completely shocked*
Jesse Ventura: IT WAS A CONSPIRACY! I KNEW IT!
Jon Meredith: Sorry, what? I was distracted playing "Lego Requiem For A Dream". The Ass to Ass scene is adorable in this.
JB and Stu raise their hands in victory.
Stu
JB King
Oh Christ! I'm about to crash into the ring!
*(crashes into the ring)*
*
*
*(crushes present day JB KING with the car)*
* *
*Okay I’m here and- OH GOD NO!*
*
*
*I just killed myself!!!*
*
*
*Come one wake up me! Wake up!*
*
*
*What have I done?*
*
*
*Oh shit what’s going to happen to me?*
*
*
*I created a time paradox!*
*
*
*Ok, calm down, maybe nothing bad will happen.*
*
*
*Maybe everything will be ok.*
Wait, why are my hands disappearing?
Why do I feel funny...
hfdkjsahflasdjhfslakdjfh
(fades to nothing due to time paradox)
