MNF 49/Male Bag 32
Dec 7, 2012 13:49:43 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Dec 7, 2012 13:49:43 GMT -5
Check out Monday Night Flaw 49 and Male Bag 32 on iTunes, Stitcher and www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw then get your stupid ass back here and VOTE!!!
AND don't forget to vote for the winner of the big tag team tournament right here! natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9087
Dustin Hawes
Good luck
Hey there cockbags. On behalf of the Hardly Boys i would like to sincerely wish the participants in the tag team turmoil triple threat testicle tickling match good luck. And a fuck you to every one else.
Hardlys
Austin Sanders
Nazi life! this is basic Holocaustics This is ba-basic Holocaustics Word life! "I'm untouchable, but I'm forcin you to feel me" (Calm down Bryan)
The best thing about that subject line is that I wanted to use that
joke since my debut to the malebag .And now I'm enjoying the blissful
sounds of Chris and Andy no selling the joke like JB King no sells
integrity.
ANYWAY! Welcome to the malebag! Where the points don't matter and
nether do the votes.
Well I'm alone this week. Fuck. Let me explain. After shooting
shooting some B-ball outside my former high school with Cliff, there
were some guys. These homely looking mother fuckers were up to no
good, as black people usually are. These guys had a reputation for
causing some trouble in my neighborhood. Cliff and I finally had it
with their jive shit and got in one little fight. And boy let me tell
you, after the fight, lets just say our moms would've gotten a little
shaken if they saw the fight we endured. I was unharmed thankfully.
But Cliff wasn't so lucky. after taking him to the doctors for this
bit, they had to preform an emergency arthroscopic knee surgery. So
cliff is going to be out for this week.
Or Jon is just sick. Sandbagin the bit is good for your brain.
So how will I, the NAA in NAACP, be able to take on a scott and 3
bundles of fags? Well my first thought was to find a new partner. I
asked Faber to join the new NAACP, Nazi and a Catholic partnership,
but he mysteriously didn't answer me. I asked Tom Roper but I got the
same response. Or more like a NON response.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I
should just kill myself someday.
No one was willing to take my desperate cry (Calm down Bryan) for a
tag partner (Calm down Cam). So I guess I'm going to Kurt Angle this
shit and just go after BOTH the tag belts. "I AM THE TAG TEAM
CHAMPIONS" All of a sudden sounds less retarded. (Calm down King)
Oh, you apparently forgot when Angle had all the TNA titles at once in
2007. Might as well ask this question real quick cause I'm sure Andy
has a stressful load he can't wait to release. Cause he likes
questions. Get it? Fine, GUESS I'LL SANDBAG THIS JOKE TOO. HAPPY?
Anyway, Do you think it would be a good idea to have one person have
all the titles in general? (other than any women championship.) and if
so, whom should be the guy to should achieve that goal? I feel like
Ryback could do so in a legit fashion. Though my idea for him was just
to hold on to the intercontinental title for 2 years and literately
risk his life just to keep his title for that long. Or maybe Cm Punk
could hold all the titles. Idk man, I'm a fucking 19 year old. What do
you think?
Oh, BTW. Good job Hodge. You're a 700 year old world champion that's
on a show with abysmally less viewers than the WrestlingSoup. Congrats
Fag Stick number one, You're a TNA champion. Can't wait till your
eventual memorial show. Oh and Fred, what's the difference between
Austin Sanders and Hitler? One killed 6,000,000 Jews and the other one
loses 6,000,000 of my braincells every time I hear you on
I-CAN-BEARLY-HOP. I'm just assuming your a Fat Fatty Fudgey the Moose.
Well, I guess I'll skip Stu cause he's my nigs from another digs. Ya
hear what I'm super sayin dawg?
And jb king. I can't even capitalize your name. Want to know why? And
it's not going to be the answer you think it's gonna be. As you know,
I'm a one time world champion. Some people like Andy Darsh and Chris
Bane think I'm a one hit wonder. You see King I'm not mad that you
cheated in general. I'm mad that this one time champion SHOULD have
been a 3 time champ. I was looking at punshouse for proof....But some
crasin cookie eating ding dong dosn't put up the results from voting
(Angerly stares at Andy while playing with the roll of quarters in my
pocket)
So what am I gonna do....I'm taking on 4 dudes. (calm down running
gag). And no one to back me up.......WAIT I GOT IT!
I'M GONNA RAP!
(The blue sky turns red do to the sun reflecting blood off of all of
those who killed themselves)
Well.....guess I win. Nothing left to do now.
Show......off
(A twister of blood appears for angering the God of awkward catchphrases.)
Now THIS I can go total beef mode on my dick to. Join in next time
when I fuck a giraffe. What's better than bestiality and incest? Both
at the same time of course!
XOXOXOXOXO
NAACP
Ps. God, Hitler is so good at this game....
Michael Hodge
Sextuple Threat Action
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room, where we find Solly and Hodgey admiring Hodgey's shiny new MNF Heavyweight Championship belt...
Solly: Needs more chimps.
Hodgey: I thought we agreed not to bring up old OOWF jokes.
Solly: My bad. So, triple threat?
Hodgey: Sextuple threat. Six participants. Thoughts?
Solly: Well, you already beat Stu in the King of the Ring, right?
Hodgey: Right.
Solly: And JB King's unvote-for-able at this point, right?
Hodgey: Right.
Solly: Okay, so that's the Kings of Scotland taken care of. Who's the other team?
Hodgey: The NAACP.
Solly: Wait, the group BVA's in? I thought he lost already.
Hodgey: No, that's NAMBLA. This is Nazi And A...Coloured Person?
Solly: Noob And A Cliff Psnotes?
Hodgey: Nate's Aorta Aching from Clogging Particles?
Solly: Naked Ape And Cam, Perhaps?
Hodgey: Fuck it. I can't remember what is stands for. Let's just go after them.
Solly: Austin Sanders? The best thing about you is hearing Brian VanAlstyne trying to say your name.
Hodgey: Good start. Anything else?
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like Cliff Snores. And that comes from someone who's recorded 40 shows with Nate Corbitt. Sorry Cliff but I can't turn my back against the Canadian Content, the best co-host of the best non-hockey hockey podcast on the Flawedcast Network, not to mention the goddamn King of the Ring.
Hodgey: Tell it, brother.
Solly: And now we're going to add tag team gold to Hodgey's King of the Ring and Heavyweight title.
Hodgey: Damn straight. JB King? I'm guessing the JB stands for Just Busted. I feel bad for Stu Little Chance of Succeeding with You as His Partner. Austin Sanders? More like Ample Suckage. Jon Drouin? More like...Jon's...Droolin. Fuck. Quit being so goddamn likeable.
Solly: Here's the deal: This is IHOP's tournament. These are IHOP's titles. If you guys didn't no-show this week, you should have. You have as much chance of winning this thing as Lindsay Lohan has of successfully navigating a DeLorean through time without completely fucking up the timestream.
Hodgey: Hell, she'd be lucky to figure out how to open those funky-ass doors, much less get up to 88 mph without crashing.
Solly: She drinks almost as much as you do, eh?
Hodgey: Fuck off, eh?
*FADE*
King Stu
The retarded something or other adventures of King Part two featuring Dr. Who gives a shit (aka Stu)
Written by Stu and King. Enjoy this gigantic novel of suck.
...
PREVIOUSLY ON MONDAY NIGHT FLAW’S MALE BAG
I created a time paradox!
Ok, calm down, maybe nothing bad will happen.
Maybe everything will be ok.
Wait, why are my hands disappearing?
Why do I feel funny...
And now! PART 2!
I (JB king) continue to fade into nothingness, but so does the surrounding area in a growing field of effect! Stu exclaims, “You idiot! You're not just erasing yourself from history, but history itself!” All hope seemed lost, when suddenly Shadow Dustin Faber appears and Brogue Kicks the Time Keeper. Soon afterwards a second Delorean flies over everyone. Just then Stu screamed out, “Goddamnit Dustin, this is why you don’t Brogue kick the time lo-…keeper! It fucks up the timeline and makes history repeat itself!”
Sure enough, that’s what happened. The Delorean missed me by mere inches thanks to Dustin. It looks like I was ok, Praise be to Allah-er I mean thank God for that. When asked why Dustin came in to help he simply stated that nobody destroys the space time continuum but him! He was not going let my despicable acts overshadow HIS despicable acts...though I don't know how he going to top trying to rig a podcast poll...I’m such a heinous fuck. “How could you?!?” Dustin said. “I don’t even know what to believe in anymore. I’m losing my faith!” I figured it was about time honestly. I mean, that’s what normally happens when most 3rd graders learn about Evolution in science class. So I sarcastically welcomed Dustin to the 21st century. Upset, he quickly threw a smoke bomb to the ground and disappeared. So even though he was my original partner, Dustin still wanted nothing to do with me and showed up once just so it wouldn’t mess with his lifestyle. I wasn’t sure if Dustin was pretending to be Batman or a black kid’s father (calm down Dennis).
Stu aka Dr. Who gives-a-fuck later came up to me saying there was no time for small talk, for we have a tournament to win. And we're not just facing one team in the final, but two! Poor Stu, I don’t think he realizes how many times Chris and Andy might sandbag the fuck out of this bit, especially THIS week. Stu was concerned with our PR problems as well. PR problem? But I don't even know any Puerto Ricans. I dealt some Afghan Kush to a Mexican Cartel, but I made sure my partner on that, Lucky Lopez, took the fall. Any who, Stu started shaking his fists in anger at me explaining he meant Public Relations, not Puerto Ricans.
I said to Stu, “Oh right, my bad. I had no clue that wasn’t allowed. I mean, it’s clearly stated to vote TWICE. By the way, how is cheating new? Your old partner Jon boy has done this before. If anything, I was just following in his footsteps. Did he not cheat? Did BVA not cheat on every OO board poll for years on end? Does Dustin Faber not cheat women at having a second chance when he raids those Planned Parenthood offices? Did Adam Dan not cheat death as well? Did Andy not cheat God when he took his ex to that abor- (gets mouth cupped by Stu)
“Whoa! Calm down sand sucker!” he said. I quickly apologized and we decided to head towards the Delorean only to be stopped by my future self. Man, future me from 3 hours ago really let itself go. I looked terrible. Future self gave me the warning to not time travel anymore and that it was dangerous. Then I thought, why the hell should I listen to this asshole? He is a illiterate retard who looks like a Alga-Zero version of Jimmy Kimmel. Plus he’s from the future, so he must be old and senile too. I quickly kicked ‘other me’ in his beautiful, well-shaped, 12 inch, clean shaven nether reigi-dsfasdsad … Sorry, Stu just smacked me in the back of the head. Future me didn’t understand how he didn’t see that coming. It was because we're going by LOOPER time travel rules now bitch! Sorry Chris, you’ll have to watch the movie to get it. Anyway, we took the Delorean and were heading off!
As Stu was looking for his Beta-Max, he opened the glove compartment and found a book. It was "Gray's Sports Almanac"...hmmm that'll be useful come Superbowl time. Anyway, first stop...Solly's Bris!
*Back to the Future theme as the Delorean flies off*
It looks like we made it to a Synagogue in the 1970s, lots of people whispering “Ohhh Gawd” and “Oh geeez” in the background. Just as I step out of the car, the various guests attending the ceremony start pelting me with stones. What the hell did I do wrong? Then I remember I’m brown. Oh, right...that thing...in Palestine. Whoops. We quickly ran back to the car. Well that was a bust. Too bad I was going to heckle the Rabbi during the circumcision. A botched cut with us yelling out “You can’t scissor (clap clap clap clap clap)” would have been awesome. Oh well, we can still use that joke on Lindsey Lohan as a bad lesbo joke.
Anyway, we dialed the clock forward on the dash 30 years later. The Delorean emerged at the same location, where this time, a Jewish girl has just completed her Bat Mitzvah. The rabbi had said that this little girl was a woman in the eyes of God...if not the law. As soon as he said that I heard a crashing sound. It was BVA in the corner of the room smashing trays and screaming the F word after hearing Laura wasn’t a little girl anymore. To cheer him up I handed him a copy of the Koran. I told him you might like the Muslim afterlife. 70 something virgins are just as tight as children...or so I’ve heard?
BVA said, “Thounds pwomising. But what about being widiculed and perficuted? I soon realized he meant ridiculed and persecuted. I said “Listen Tyson mouth, you are going to be made fun of due to God’s sense of humor by making you a moosh mouth, so just ‘wun’ with it.” So Solly was a dud. So to cheer each other up we went to Chris’ house on December 5th 2012. We we’re sending fake Santa letters to his daughter saying she would get a tablet for Christmas. Chris is such a great dad, either that or this is his way of dismissing any guilt from the horrible things he said on haters guide in front of her just last week. Tsk tsk potty mouth.
Here we are, Ohio, 2011. I figure we can mess with Austin for a little bit now that he’s about to turn 18. Tell you what you go ahead and let Stu take the lead on the keyboard. I’m going to kick back for a bit. I trust him. It’s not like he is gunna misspel all my werds and syntax to make me look lik an asshole. Thanx Stoo ur ahhsum.
((((Scottish accent))))
Tanks Kang, well et looks lyke wear off ta see Austen an-
(Gets smacked in the head by JB KING)
Oh sorry, no more accent then. We tracked down Austin, and acted all starstruck, saying "Hey, you're that creepy kid from 'We Need To Talk About Kevin', aren't you"?
No matter how much Austin denied it, we kept hounding him until he ran screaming from us, but he wasn't looking where he was going and ran straight into The Blue Oyster Bar
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp8SEfFK_2Y)
Last we saw him, he was cornered by a native american, a cop, a construction worker, a cowboy and a biker, the latter of whom said "This is happening. This is happening...and there's nothing you can do about it.".
JB: Hey Stu maybe we should go back in time and mess with Jon Drouin right before he has his mental breakdown.
Stu: Fuck that guy. He is far too boring to write out an entire scene for. And we just did one for Solly for christsakes. Let’s just do a quick joke for that vanilla stain. Hey King, did you know if you rearrange the letters in Cliff Snotes, you get Stiff Clones and Clefts of Sin? I think we all know what those alternate personalities get up to when they're all together.
That just left Hodgey, and we had a real problem. That guy was just too nice to say anything about and the Canadian thing was played out. Though being a nerd, Stu hit on a brilliant idea. We travelled back to early summer 2011 and found Hodgey waiting in line to see "Thor".
JB: I thought you people had flapping heads and square hands?
Stu: Hey, Hodgey.
Hodgey: Stu? Stu? Is that really you, eh? What are you doing aboot these parts?
Stu: Well I'll tell you...
*cut to JB holding Hodgey down on the ground as Stu punches him in the face. Hodgey's in tears, but not from the beating*
Stu: -so then Thor has to smash the Rainbow Bridge, cutting him off from Earth, and Loki apparently falls to his death, but after the credits it turns out he's alive and interested in the Tesseract, which means he's the villain for The Avengers...
*some time later*
Stu: -and then after the Thanos reveal, there's like a minute of them all sitting in silence eating Shawarma. It's pretty funny. It's certainly more entertaining than HOCKEY.
JB: Yeah, give me a good game of Buzkashi any time.
Stu: What?
JB: You know, from Rambo 3? It's like Polo, only you knock a goat's head around instead of a ball?
We left Hodgey curled up in the foetal position after ruining two of his most anticipated movies, and decided to go back to 2012 to celebrate. Unfortunately, there was a glitch and we ended up in 1912, somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, right in the path of the Titanic, which had to swerve to avoid us, running right into an iceberg. Our bad.
We decided the best thing to do would be to help with the evacuations and encountered a nice pregnant lady called Mrs. Eleanor Capps. She thanked us for her assistance, but told us that she thought the stress was going to cause little Alan to come prematurely. Wouldn't you know it, her water broke, but before we could get a chance to help with the labor, her husband arrived, waving a gun at us, saying he wasn't going to let a drunken Scotsman and a dirty Persian touch his firstborn child. We barely made it out and back...to the future.
Stu: Well, that was certainly some trip, JB. Dare I say, an Excellent Adventure?
JB: I have to admit, it was fun. And I’m glad this awful bit is over. Put it there, partner.
*Stu and JB Shake hands, which triggers a blinding blue light from them both, before finding themselves in 1986, occupying the bodies of two nuclear technicians at Chernobyl, holding a new born baby with the name tag "A. Dan". An alarm goes off*
Stu and JB: Uh-oh.
And scene.
This episode is dedicated in loving memory of Stu’s credibility.
Dustin Hawes
Thank you and fuck you all!
Ladies and gentleman. Boys and girls. It's my pleasure to introduce to you THE TAAAAAAAG TEAM CHAMPIOOOOOOONS OF THE MONDAY NIGHT FLAW MALE BAAAAAAAG! The dick head Dustin Hawes. The shit ass Spence Hopkins! The NEW AGE HARDLY'S!
-Spence-And if you're not down with that we've got 13 words for ya! Send in better emails and try to follow the fucking rules, shit cocks!
-Dustin-Who has been kicked under the bed and forgotten on the male bag? Who has seen the bright lights turn into night lights, only to have the Lite Brite from my childhood broken in half? Who has given moderate amounts of effort and received a..... Lesser amount of recognition for the emails i have thrown to the Flawedcast community? Who are the only two emailers worthy to be in the presence of God himself. (Get it..... Salt Lake City...... Mormons.) Who is the only tag team to shit gold in a shit storm of e mails. Who was THE ONLY TAG TEAM to realize that the Male Bag is not WCW and Andy Gaston is NOT Vince Russo? When are you dung nuts going to realize that if you keep trying to swerve the audience, eventually you may end up Ryan Dunning yourself. But maybe let us do it first......
The Druins........ Plural. Do you really think you are the only guy with multiple personalities on the male bag? Really..... Really..... Really? Personalities are like Subway restaurants. Ya, you can have about a million of them in any given place. However, that's a lot of high school students with jobs that don't know how to cook the fucking bread. Then you have a lot of customers with terrible 5 dollar footlongs. Furthermore, with all the young bucks crafting these sandwiches...... A couple of them are bound to be retarded....... I'm just saying... if i order turkey and end up with tuna..... I am going to fucking flip my shit. So, where the fuck is my sandwich Jon?
Stu Little Ah yes, Scotland People Magazine's sexiest person. That's like being the most likely person to make it into the porn industry at the Arkansas state fair's longest funnel cake line. Nobody fuckin wins. Stu, I occasionally enjoy and even somewhat respect your emails. However, if i wanted to hear another shitty recap of raw every week, i am sure there are literally dozens of shitty podcasts i can find on the stitcher app. *wink wink* Look Stu, i don't know what your arrangement is with Chris and how often we all have to hear about how great you are and how nice your balls feel in his mouth. I for one could care less about the feel of your scrotum. I get it, Chris loves the feel of hair in his mouth as long as it is Scottish. Look man, i have a Scottish terrier and her hair gets fucking everywhere. So if "Scotland People" are anything like these terriers, then i feel sorry when Chris has to pick the hair out if his teeth, ball hair no less. Fuck Scotland people unless it's Gordan Ramsay and he's cooking me a steak. (serious question..... Is Gordan Ramsay just an old as shit looking version of Chris Jericho? Think about it.)
J.B. King
I normally like this man's emails. But, dear god, to cheat at emails? Jesus christ, that's like putting makeup on a pig before sending it to the slaughterhouse. It's like going to Wal Mart for any fucking reason. It's like keeping an Ultimate Warrior gimmick going 2 months too long. It's like spending 350 dollars on a Wii U. It's like being an Oakland Raides fan.#Lolz It's like never learning how to click spell check. It's like murdering your girlfriend and then ACCIDENTALLY murdering yourself. It's like setting someone up on a blind date with Cliff Snotes. It's like listening to Wait Till Next Year on flawedcast.net. It's like getting caught BEFORE you shoot up a movie theater full of Twighlight fans. It's like taking mescaline and driving a unicycle down the fucking interstate. It's like trying to decipher Taylor Swift lyrics. It's like trying to give Ryback grapefruit for breakfast. It's like making sure you set the dvr every week to record impact wrestling. It's like not fully understanding what the fuck i am trying to say. It's fucking incompetent. Also, sorry King, but you left the keys for your Delorean in the ignition. I stole it. More details will be coming in the next few weeks.
Austin Sanders
No real beef with you, but i will say this..... Fuck you Tom Cruise. Fuck you Justin Beiber. Fuck you Randy Orton. Fuck you David Spade. Fuck you Andy Dick. Fuck you Jerry Sandusky. Fuck you Cam Gullett. Fuck you Roger Moore. Fuck you Soulja Boi. Fuck you Alex Rodriguez. Fuck you SEC. If you haven't noticed by now. I am trying to say Fuck You Faggot. Trademark?.....
Cam Gullett Um um um um come at me bro.
Solly Long live Jesus! And hockey. #lolz
Listen fuckers. The tag champs are here. Cam's queer. Get used to it. It went down. It went down and there's no medication you can take to get it it to come up again. *copyright*
Hardly Boys..... Hardly giving up the titles until 2027.
AND don't forget to vote for the winner of the big tag team tournament right here! natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9087
Dustin Hawes
Good luck
Hey there cockbags. On behalf of the Hardly Boys i would like to sincerely wish the participants in the tag team turmoil triple threat testicle tickling match good luck. And a fuck you to every one else.
Hardlys
Austin Sanders
Nazi life! this is basic Holocaustics This is ba-basic Holocaustics Word life! "I'm untouchable, but I'm forcin you to feel me" (Calm down Bryan)
The best thing about that subject line is that I wanted to use that
joke since my debut to the malebag .And now I'm enjoying the blissful
sounds of Chris and Andy no selling the joke like JB King no sells
integrity.
ANYWAY! Welcome to the malebag! Where the points don't matter and
nether do the votes.
Well I'm alone this week. Fuck. Let me explain. After shooting
shooting some B-ball outside my former high school with Cliff, there
were some guys. These homely looking mother fuckers were up to no
good, as black people usually are. These guys had a reputation for
causing some trouble in my neighborhood. Cliff and I finally had it
with their jive shit and got in one little fight. And boy let me tell
you, after the fight, lets just say our moms would've gotten a little
shaken if they saw the fight we endured. I was unharmed thankfully.
But Cliff wasn't so lucky. after taking him to the doctors for this
bit, they had to preform an emergency arthroscopic knee surgery. So
cliff is going to be out for this week.
Or Jon is just sick. Sandbagin the bit is good for your brain.
So how will I, the NAA in NAACP, be able to take on a scott and 3
bundles of fags? Well my first thought was to find a new partner. I
asked Faber to join the new NAACP, Nazi and a Catholic partnership,
but he mysteriously didn't answer me. I asked Tom Roper but I got the
same response. Or more like a NON response.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I
should just kill myself someday.
No one was willing to take my desperate cry (Calm down Bryan) for a
tag partner (Calm down Cam). So I guess I'm going to Kurt Angle this
shit and just go after BOTH the tag belts. "I AM THE TAG TEAM
CHAMPIONS" All of a sudden sounds less retarded. (Calm down King)
Oh, you apparently forgot when Angle had all the TNA titles at once in
2007. Might as well ask this question real quick cause I'm sure Andy
has a stressful load he can't wait to release. Cause he likes
questions. Get it? Fine, GUESS I'LL SANDBAG THIS JOKE TOO. HAPPY?
Anyway, Do you think it would be a good idea to have one person have
all the titles in general? (other than any women championship.) and if
so, whom should be the guy to should achieve that goal? I feel like
Ryback could do so in a legit fashion. Though my idea for him was just
to hold on to the intercontinental title for 2 years and literately
risk his life just to keep his title for that long. Or maybe Cm Punk
could hold all the titles. Idk man, I'm a fucking 19 year old. What do
you think?
Oh, BTW. Good job Hodge. You're a 700 year old world champion that's
on a show with abysmally less viewers than the WrestlingSoup. Congrats
Fag Stick number one, You're a TNA champion. Can't wait till your
eventual memorial show. Oh and Fred, what's the difference between
Austin Sanders and Hitler? One killed 6,000,000 Jews and the other one
loses 6,000,000 of my braincells every time I hear you on
I-CAN-BEARLY-HOP. I'm just assuming your a Fat Fatty Fudgey the Moose.
Well, I guess I'll skip Stu cause he's my nigs from another digs. Ya
hear what I'm super sayin dawg?
And jb king. I can't even capitalize your name. Want to know why? And
it's not going to be the answer you think it's gonna be. As you know,
I'm a one time world champion. Some people like Andy Darsh and Chris
Bane think I'm a one hit wonder. You see King I'm not mad that you
cheated in general. I'm mad that this one time champion SHOULD have
been a 3 time champ. I was looking at punshouse for proof....But some
crasin cookie eating ding dong dosn't put up the results from voting
(Angerly stares at Andy while playing with the roll of quarters in my
pocket)
So what am I gonna do....I'm taking on 4 dudes. (calm down running
gag). And no one to back me up.......WAIT I GOT IT!
I'M GONNA RAP!
(The blue sky turns red do to the sun reflecting blood off of all of
those who killed themselves)
Well.....guess I win. Nothing left to do now.
Show......off
(A twister of blood appears for angering the God of awkward catchphrases.)
Now THIS I can go total beef mode on my dick to. Join in next time
when I fuck a giraffe. What's better than bestiality and incest? Both
at the same time of course!
XOXOXOXOXO
NAACP
Ps. God, Hitler is so good at this game....
Michael Hodge
Sextuple Threat Action
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room, where we find Solly and Hodgey admiring Hodgey's shiny new MNF Heavyweight Championship belt...
Solly: Needs more chimps.
Hodgey: I thought we agreed not to bring up old OOWF jokes.
Solly: My bad. So, triple threat?
Hodgey: Sextuple threat. Six participants. Thoughts?
Solly: Well, you already beat Stu in the King of the Ring, right?
Hodgey: Right.
Solly: And JB King's unvote-for-able at this point, right?
Hodgey: Right.
Solly: Okay, so that's the Kings of Scotland taken care of. Who's the other team?
Hodgey: The NAACP.
Solly: Wait, the group BVA's in? I thought he lost already.
Hodgey: No, that's NAMBLA. This is Nazi And A...Coloured Person?
Solly: Noob And A Cliff Psnotes?
Hodgey: Nate's Aorta Aching from Clogging Particles?
Solly: Naked Ape And Cam, Perhaps?
Hodgey: Fuck it. I can't remember what is stands for. Let's just go after them.
Solly: Austin Sanders? The best thing about you is hearing Brian VanAlstyne trying to say your name.
Hodgey: Good start. Anything else?
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like Cliff Snores. And that comes from someone who's recorded 40 shows with Nate Corbitt. Sorry Cliff but I can't turn my back against the Canadian Content, the best co-host of the best non-hockey hockey podcast on the Flawedcast Network, not to mention the goddamn King of the Ring.
Hodgey: Tell it, brother.
Solly: And now we're going to add tag team gold to Hodgey's King of the Ring and Heavyweight title.
Hodgey: Damn straight. JB King? I'm guessing the JB stands for Just Busted. I feel bad for Stu Little Chance of Succeeding with You as His Partner. Austin Sanders? More like Ample Suckage. Jon Drouin? More like...Jon's...Droolin. Fuck. Quit being so goddamn likeable.
Solly: Here's the deal: This is IHOP's tournament. These are IHOP's titles. If you guys didn't no-show this week, you should have. You have as much chance of winning this thing as Lindsay Lohan has of successfully navigating a DeLorean through time without completely fucking up the timestream.
Hodgey: Hell, she'd be lucky to figure out how to open those funky-ass doors, much less get up to 88 mph without crashing.
Solly: She drinks almost as much as you do, eh?
Hodgey: Fuck off, eh?
*FADE*
King Stu
The retarded something or other adventures of King Part two featuring Dr. Who gives a shit (aka Stu)
Written by Stu and King. Enjoy this gigantic novel of suck.
...
PREVIOUSLY ON MONDAY NIGHT FLAW’S MALE BAG
I created a time paradox!
Ok, calm down, maybe nothing bad will happen.
Maybe everything will be ok.
Wait, why are my hands disappearing?
Why do I feel funny...
And now! PART 2!
I (JB king) continue to fade into nothingness, but so does the surrounding area in a growing field of effect! Stu exclaims, “You idiot! You're not just erasing yourself from history, but history itself!” All hope seemed lost, when suddenly Shadow Dustin Faber appears and Brogue Kicks the Time Keeper. Soon afterwards a second Delorean flies over everyone. Just then Stu screamed out, “Goddamnit Dustin, this is why you don’t Brogue kick the time lo-…keeper! It fucks up the timeline and makes history repeat itself!”
Sure enough, that’s what happened. The Delorean missed me by mere inches thanks to Dustin. It looks like I was ok, Praise be to Allah-er I mean thank God for that. When asked why Dustin came in to help he simply stated that nobody destroys the space time continuum but him! He was not going let my despicable acts overshadow HIS despicable acts...though I don't know how he going to top trying to rig a podcast poll...I’m such a heinous fuck. “How could you?!?” Dustin said. “I don’t even know what to believe in anymore. I’m losing my faith!” I figured it was about time honestly. I mean, that’s what normally happens when most 3rd graders learn about Evolution in science class. So I sarcastically welcomed Dustin to the 21st century. Upset, he quickly threw a smoke bomb to the ground and disappeared. So even though he was my original partner, Dustin still wanted nothing to do with me and showed up once just so it wouldn’t mess with his lifestyle. I wasn’t sure if Dustin was pretending to be Batman or a black kid’s father (calm down Dennis).
Stu aka Dr. Who gives-a-fuck later came up to me saying there was no time for small talk, for we have a tournament to win. And we're not just facing one team in the final, but two! Poor Stu, I don’t think he realizes how many times Chris and Andy might sandbag the fuck out of this bit, especially THIS week. Stu was concerned with our PR problems as well. PR problem? But I don't even know any Puerto Ricans. I dealt some Afghan Kush to a Mexican Cartel, but I made sure my partner on that, Lucky Lopez, took the fall. Any who, Stu started shaking his fists in anger at me explaining he meant Public Relations, not Puerto Ricans.
I said to Stu, “Oh right, my bad. I had no clue that wasn’t allowed. I mean, it’s clearly stated to vote TWICE. By the way, how is cheating new? Your old partner Jon boy has done this before. If anything, I was just following in his footsteps. Did he not cheat? Did BVA not cheat on every OO board poll for years on end? Does Dustin Faber not cheat women at having a second chance when he raids those Planned Parenthood offices? Did Adam Dan not cheat death as well? Did Andy not cheat God when he took his ex to that abor- (gets mouth cupped by Stu)
“Whoa! Calm down sand sucker!” he said. I quickly apologized and we decided to head towards the Delorean only to be stopped by my future self. Man, future me from 3 hours ago really let itself go. I looked terrible. Future self gave me the warning to not time travel anymore and that it was dangerous. Then I thought, why the hell should I listen to this asshole? He is a illiterate retard who looks like a Alga-Zero version of Jimmy Kimmel. Plus he’s from the future, so he must be old and senile too. I quickly kicked ‘other me’ in his beautiful, well-shaped, 12 inch, clean shaven nether reigi-dsfasdsad … Sorry, Stu just smacked me in the back of the head. Future me didn’t understand how he didn’t see that coming. It was because we're going by LOOPER time travel rules now bitch! Sorry Chris, you’ll have to watch the movie to get it. Anyway, we took the Delorean and were heading off!
As Stu was looking for his Beta-Max, he opened the glove compartment and found a book. It was "Gray's Sports Almanac"...hmmm that'll be useful come Superbowl time. Anyway, first stop...Solly's Bris!
*Back to the Future theme as the Delorean flies off*
It looks like we made it to a Synagogue in the 1970s, lots of people whispering “Ohhh Gawd” and “Oh geeez” in the background. Just as I step out of the car, the various guests attending the ceremony start pelting me with stones. What the hell did I do wrong? Then I remember I’m brown. Oh, right...that thing...in Palestine. Whoops. We quickly ran back to the car. Well that was a bust. Too bad I was going to heckle the Rabbi during the circumcision. A botched cut with us yelling out “You can’t scissor (clap clap clap clap clap)” would have been awesome. Oh well, we can still use that joke on Lindsey Lohan as a bad lesbo joke.
Anyway, we dialed the clock forward on the dash 30 years later. The Delorean emerged at the same location, where this time, a Jewish girl has just completed her Bat Mitzvah. The rabbi had said that this little girl was a woman in the eyes of God...if not the law. As soon as he said that I heard a crashing sound. It was BVA in the corner of the room smashing trays and screaming the F word after hearing Laura wasn’t a little girl anymore. To cheer him up I handed him a copy of the Koran. I told him you might like the Muslim afterlife. 70 something virgins are just as tight as children...or so I’ve heard?
BVA said, “Thounds pwomising. But what about being widiculed and perficuted? I soon realized he meant ridiculed and persecuted. I said “Listen Tyson mouth, you are going to be made fun of due to God’s sense of humor by making you a moosh mouth, so just ‘wun’ with it.” So Solly was a dud. So to cheer each other up we went to Chris’ house on December 5th 2012. We we’re sending fake Santa letters to his daughter saying she would get a tablet for Christmas. Chris is such a great dad, either that or this is his way of dismissing any guilt from the horrible things he said on haters guide in front of her just last week. Tsk tsk potty mouth.
Here we are, Ohio, 2011. I figure we can mess with Austin for a little bit now that he’s about to turn 18. Tell you what you go ahead and let Stu take the lead on the keyboard. I’m going to kick back for a bit. I trust him. It’s not like he is gunna misspel all my werds and syntax to make me look lik an asshole. Thanx Stoo ur ahhsum.
((((Scottish accent))))
Tanks Kang, well et looks lyke wear off ta see Austen an-
(Gets smacked in the head by JB KING)
Oh sorry, no more accent then. We tracked down Austin, and acted all starstruck, saying "Hey, you're that creepy kid from 'We Need To Talk About Kevin', aren't you"?
No matter how much Austin denied it, we kept hounding him until he ran screaming from us, but he wasn't looking where he was going and ran straight into The Blue Oyster Bar
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp8SEfFK_2Y)
Last we saw him, he was cornered by a native american, a cop, a construction worker, a cowboy and a biker, the latter of whom said "This is happening. This is happening...and there's nothing you can do about it.".
JB: Hey Stu maybe we should go back in time and mess with Jon Drouin right before he has his mental breakdown.
Stu: Fuck that guy. He is far too boring to write out an entire scene for. And we just did one for Solly for christsakes. Let’s just do a quick joke for that vanilla stain. Hey King, did you know if you rearrange the letters in Cliff Snotes, you get Stiff Clones and Clefts of Sin? I think we all know what those alternate personalities get up to when they're all together.
That just left Hodgey, and we had a real problem. That guy was just too nice to say anything about and the Canadian thing was played out. Though being a nerd, Stu hit on a brilliant idea. We travelled back to early summer 2011 and found Hodgey waiting in line to see "Thor".
JB: I thought you people had flapping heads and square hands?
Stu: Hey, Hodgey.
Hodgey: Stu? Stu? Is that really you, eh? What are you doing aboot these parts?
Stu: Well I'll tell you...
*cut to JB holding Hodgey down on the ground as Stu punches him in the face. Hodgey's in tears, but not from the beating*
Stu: -so then Thor has to smash the Rainbow Bridge, cutting him off from Earth, and Loki apparently falls to his death, but after the credits it turns out he's alive and interested in the Tesseract, which means he's the villain for The Avengers...
*some time later*
Stu: -and then after the Thanos reveal, there's like a minute of them all sitting in silence eating Shawarma. It's pretty funny. It's certainly more entertaining than HOCKEY.
JB: Yeah, give me a good game of Buzkashi any time.
Stu: What?
JB: You know, from Rambo 3? It's like Polo, only you knock a goat's head around instead of a ball?
We left Hodgey curled up in the foetal position after ruining two of his most anticipated movies, and decided to go back to 2012 to celebrate. Unfortunately, there was a glitch and we ended up in 1912, somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, right in the path of the Titanic, which had to swerve to avoid us, running right into an iceberg. Our bad.
We decided the best thing to do would be to help with the evacuations and encountered a nice pregnant lady called Mrs. Eleanor Capps. She thanked us for her assistance, but told us that she thought the stress was going to cause little Alan to come prematurely. Wouldn't you know it, her water broke, but before we could get a chance to help with the labor, her husband arrived, waving a gun at us, saying he wasn't going to let a drunken Scotsman and a dirty Persian touch his firstborn child. We barely made it out and back...to the future.
Stu: Well, that was certainly some trip, JB. Dare I say, an Excellent Adventure?
JB: I have to admit, it was fun. And I’m glad this awful bit is over. Put it there, partner.
*Stu and JB Shake hands, which triggers a blinding blue light from them both, before finding themselves in 1986, occupying the bodies of two nuclear technicians at Chernobyl, holding a new born baby with the name tag "A. Dan". An alarm goes off*
Stu and JB: Uh-oh.
And scene.
This episode is dedicated in loving memory of Stu’s credibility.
Dustin Hawes
Thank you and fuck you all!
Ladies and gentleman. Boys and girls. It's my pleasure to introduce to you THE TAAAAAAAG TEAM CHAMPIOOOOOOONS OF THE MONDAY NIGHT FLAW MALE BAAAAAAAG! The dick head Dustin Hawes. The shit ass Spence Hopkins! The NEW AGE HARDLY'S!
-Spence-And if you're not down with that we've got 13 words for ya! Send in better emails and try to follow the fucking rules, shit cocks!
-Dustin-Who has been kicked under the bed and forgotten on the male bag? Who has seen the bright lights turn into night lights, only to have the Lite Brite from my childhood broken in half? Who has given moderate amounts of effort and received a..... Lesser amount of recognition for the emails i have thrown to the Flawedcast community? Who are the only two emailers worthy to be in the presence of God himself. (Get it..... Salt Lake City...... Mormons.) Who is the only tag team to shit gold in a shit storm of e mails. Who was THE ONLY TAG TEAM to realize that the Male Bag is not WCW and Andy Gaston is NOT Vince Russo? When are you dung nuts going to realize that if you keep trying to swerve the audience, eventually you may end up Ryan Dunning yourself. But maybe let us do it first......
The Druins........ Plural. Do you really think you are the only guy with multiple personalities on the male bag? Really..... Really..... Really? Personalities are like Subway restaurants. Ya, you can have about a million of them in any given place. However, that's a lot of high school students with jobs that don't know how to cook the fucking bread. Then you have a lot of customers with terrible 5 dollar footlongs. Furthermore, with all the young bucks crafting these sandwiches...... A couple of them are bound to be retarded....... I'm just saying... if i order turkey and end up with tuna..... I am going to fucking flip my shit. So, where the fuck is my sandwich Jon?
Stu Little Ah yes, Scotland People Magazine's sexiest person. That's like being the most likely person to make it into the porn industry at the Arkansas state fair's longest funnel cake line. Nobody fuckin wins. Stu, I occasionally enjoy and even somewhat respect your emails. However, if i wanted to hear another shitty recap of raw every week, i am sure there are literally dozens of shitty podcasts i can find on the stitcher app. *wink wink* Look Stu, i don't know what your arrangement is with Chris and how often we all have to hear about how great you are and how nice your balls feel in his mouth. I for one could care less about the feel of your scrotum. I get it, Chris loves the feel of hair in his mouth as long as it is Scottish. Look man, i have a Scottish terrier and her hair gets fucking everywhere. So if "Scotland People" are anything like these terriers, then i feel sorry when Chris has to pick the hair out if his teeth, ball hair no less. Fuck Scotland people unless it's Gordan Ramsay and he's cooking me a steak. (serious question..... Is Gordan Ramsay just an old as shit looking version of Chris Jericho? Think about it.)
J.B. King
I normally like this man's emails. But, dear god, to cheat at emails? Jesus christ, that's like putting makeup on a pig before sending it to the slaughterhouse. It's like going to Wal Mart for any fucking reason. It's like keeping an Ultimate Warrior gimmick going 2 months too long. It's like spending 350 dollars on a Wii U. It's like being an Oakland Raides fan.#Lolz It's like never learning how to click spell check. It's like murdering your girlfriend and then ACCIDENTALLY murdering yourself. It's like setting someone up on a blind date with Cliff Snotes. It's like listening to Wait Till Next Year on flawedcast.net. It's like getting caught BEFORE you shoot up a movie theater full of Twighlight fans. It's like taking mescaline and driving a unicycle down the fucking interstate. It's like trying to decipher Taylor Swift lyrics. It's like trying to give Ryback grapefruit for breakfast. It's like making sure you set the dvr every week to record impact wrestling. It's like not fully understanding what the fuck i am trying to say. It's fucking incompetent. Also, sorry King, but you left the keys for your Delorean in the ignition. I stole it. More details will be coming in the next few weeks.
Austin Sanders
No real beef with you, but i will say this..... Fuck you Tom Cruise. Fuck you Justin Beiber. Fuck you Randy Orton. Fuck you David Spade. Fuck you Andy Dick. Fuck you Jerry Sandusky. Fuck you Cam Gullett. Fuck you Roger Moore. Fuck you Soulja Boi. Fuck you Alex Rodriguez. Fuck you SEC. If you haven't noticed by now. I am trying to say Fuck You Faggot. Trademark?.....
Cam Gullett Um um um um come at me bro.
Solly Long live Jesus! And hockey. #lolz
Listen fuckers. The tag champs are here. Cam's queer. Get used to it. It went down. It went down and there's no medication you can take to get it it to come up again. *copyright*
Hardly Boys..... Hardly giving up the titles until 2027.
