2009 SI Swimsuit Rant
Feb 12, 2009 23:30:36 GMT -5
Post by Mikey on Feb 12, 2009 23:30:36 GMT -5
The 2009 SI Swimsuit Issue Rant
Ladies and gents, it’s time for the 4th annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue rant. This one kind snuck up on me, as life’s been so hectic lately that I apparently missed any hype for it. Also, the fact that I’m no longer single (and/or not as cynical about life) perhaps has taken away from the anticipation. Nevertheless, it arrived in the mail yesterday, and now we go to school, Nature Boy-style!
Kind of a blah cover this year. Bar Refaeli’s a damn pretty gal, and the light makeup is a good thing, but the photograph is nothing special except for maybe the blue sky. It’s just missing some sizzle. We got three insets: Brooklyn Decker sporting the ludicrous body paint, NBA dancers (after last year’s NFL cheerleaders), and Danica Patrick again, which isn’t a bad thing. Our theme this year is allegedly “Bikinis or Nothing.” One, nobody cares about some silly theme. Two, body paint is not a bikini, so the friggin COVER contradicts itself. Lovely.
Pretty funny Old Spice animated two page ad featuring Tony Stewart as we start, trying to look all civilized with pictures of fish and racing trophies, and a book about chili. And another good ad, this one from Direct TV called the “Coucha Sutra,” showing all the different ways you can watch TV on the couch. Cute.
Page 6 – Danica’s laid out on the hood of some fancy car, looking good in black. Also of note, she looks NOTHING like she really does here. God love makeup and/or digital handiwork. The table of contents comes on page 11, with Brooklyn wearing polka dots. Normally this doesn’t work – with her it does. And on the next page – before the next TOC page – we get a Chaps ad with some gay looking guy. Why the hell do we suddenly get THESE kind of ads in the Swimsuit Issue? I’d expect to see this shitty ad in Cosmo; does this mean more women read the Swimsuit Issue?? Bueller?
Page 22 sees some skinny chick (in comparison to the rest of the skinny chicks in the magazine) riding some big ass statue of a bull on Wall Street or something. And I have no idea what Jantzen is, but the gal in the ad with the big hoop earrings is pretty hot. Among the so-called article on page 24, the little pic of Esti Ginzburg (who?) on some washing machines is a really good shot. And another Cosmo-like ad, this one by Perry Ellis, whoever the fuck that is.
Page 30: Dan Patrick interviews Brooklyn Decker. Did you know she went to UNC?? And I’d bet money that she will be your cover girl next year. Didn’t know she was dating Andy Roddick. Wonder how much grass he’s got work with on her court. Then again, Roddick sucks at Wimbledon, so it’s a moot point.
We get introduced to the “rookies” beginning on page 33. I’ll run them down:
• Hilary Rhoda. Cute brunette from Maryland who lies about her dream guy.
• Cintia Dicker. Remember what I said about the light makeup on the cover shot? Forget it. This ga;’s a Brazilian redhead with freckles and a goofy looking face. At your local bar, she’s not bad, but likely not the hottest girl in the joint. What’s she doing here??
• Ariel Meredith. Light skinned black chick from Louisiana. Says she misses the gumbo. Seems like a cool chick. (And fuck the match.com ad on the adjacent page. For real, meet someone in six months or get six months free… that STILL makes no sense to me!!)
• Jessica Hart. Australian blonde rocking a white bikini, but she’s got the Michael Strahan gap in her teeth. If that didn’t just jump out at me, she’d be outstanding.
• Lucia Dvorska. Reddish-brunette who sorta looks like Christy Hemme, but she’s using some frilly throw blanket thing here as an accessory. Doesn’t quite work. You can read the little interview thing and see there’s nothing upstairs.
• Kim Cloutier. This girl looks the most “real” of anyone I’ve seen here yet. And she gets bonus points for being Canadian, even if she is a Habs fan. Very attractive gal.
• Jesus, how many do we have here? Damaris Lewis. Can I say “hood chick” without being racist? She’s from Brooklyn, NY, I can say it, right? She’s all about LeBron James. Maybe the Knicks should use her as a bargaining chip for next offseason. Cute girl. (And now we have our first cologne ad, from Armani, on page 45. Funny, I don’t remember those when reading about the Super Bowl last week.)
• Esti Ginzburg. The girl from the washing machine shot! She’s not as hot here, and like whatsherface above, you can read the interview and drop 30 IQ points.
•
Finally, we’re out of new girls and Brooklyn’s gorgeous on the two page spread introducing Canouan Island in the Grenadines… wherever the fuck that is. She’s come a long way from looking like a cheap hooker two years ago. Hilary Rhoda with a nice pink, white, brown, and orange bikini on page 54. Oh, and the pricetag… $172. Sure. And on page 56 – maybe I AM racist – skinny Asian girls with sand all over them just don’t do it for me. Brooklyn’s smoking on the next page though with the pink theme going on. And the little starfish connector thing on page 60 is really nice, but what in the hell is Hilary wearing on the next page?? And can you slap on any more makeup? It’s damn near RUNNING down her face! Good lord, ya’ll.
Bar Refaeli with the pullout shot on page 63. The light makeup works with her, and so does the sand. Damn, I am racist after all. $248 for this outfit apparently. In THIS economy?? You kidding me? But if she comes along with the $179 pink and black lacy getup on the next page, I’m there. Or maybe I’m just having Hart Foundation flashbacks and am just getting over excited. I dunno. And then, an SI Swimsuit Issue watershed moment, as she sports the Something About Mary hair!!! What were they thinking???
Okay, page 75, we get our first “spooky faces in the artwork” alcohol adm this one being for Pinnacle vodka. My buddy Eric pointed these things out to me, and now I see them all the time. It’s weird. And now we’re off to, well, somewhere that is never specified, because I’m not aware of anyplace where Roman, Ottoman, and Mayan cultures intertwined. Check that, they break it down further, starting in Italy, where Irina Shayk looks fantastic on the big lion statue. Our first Daniella Sarahyba sighting on page 80, and that’s a good thing, particularly her idea of serving pizza. On 84, Esti makes out with a statue of Caesar, while Arby’s has a lame ad on the adjacent page switching out sandwiches for boobs.
Good one-two photo combo of Irina and Daniella on 86-87. Like Irina’s blue and purple, while Daniella looks stunning, but you couldn’t pay me to lean up against that dirty ass wall. Especially wearing something that’s $300… even if I wasn’t actually wearing it, like in this case. And a great shot of Daniella on the next page, too. She’s hot. Marisa Miller – absent thus far – looks like a stripper in this Harley ad, but makes up for it with the little card insert.
To Turkey now, and Julie Henderson – who’s always been hit or miss – is getting it done here. But Anne V (still awaiting what the V stands for) needs some work on page 95. Not good. The “hood chick” looks great on 96, and Anne’s just missing something. Maybe she was under the weather during the shoot or something. And Ben Franklin makes googily eyes at Julie Henderson in a TurboTax ad… nice! Lucia Dvorska looks good in front of some random wooden door. More smelly cologne ads and Anne poses among what appears to be a bunch of old T-ball trophies. Page 107: what in the fuck is an iHome?
Body paint time, and everyone knows I hate this, but Brooklyn’s wearing a map! I LOVE MAPS! That appears to be the Caribbean Sea! I see Florida and Cuba and Puerto Rico. At this rate, however, there’s suddenly a huge fault line around the Venezuela/Brazil border! And the rest of it is horseshit. This is dumb. More spooky faces in the Canadian Mist ad, and there’s a bunch here. And to the Canary islands, and I’d forgotten about Tori Praver, and I don’t know how. Very nice. And another smoking hot photo in front of some rock thing. We get the first main picture of the redhead, and she’s as out of place as an attractive coed in Krzyzewskiville. She was obviously someone’s project, but she’s unfortunately out of her league here. Good for her though for making the big time.
Page 138: Okay, I don’t know who the hell Vanessa Rousso is, but I’d ALMOST be tempted to watch poker just to see her. Okay, maybe not, but she’s pretty hot. Unfortunately, poker isn’t a sport, so be gone! To Mexico now, and Melissa Haro is way hot between the sheets, and again in the three shot on 143. On 142, my girl Kim Cloutier has a great photo in the water. Jessica Hart and the gap in her teeth has four of a kind while wearing nothing. Not bad. Melissa Haro with probably my favorite shot yet on 148, as the black vertical stripes on the white suit (NOT a bikini, so much for the theme) really accentuate her curves. Figure in the wet hair, and oh yeah, I’m there. Kim needs to finish taking it off on 152, even though I’d argue whether that’s even a swimsuit.
We’re heading down the stretch now and it’s time for the NBA girls. Of the six on the two page spread, one of these things is not like the other… someone tell the Cavs girl that the Tori Spelling look went out like ten years… check that, it was never in. The Bulls girl on the next page is really cute, and so is the Pistons girl on 160. She claims her favorite player is Rasheed Wallace (Tar Heel) and that they can hear everything he says. If his vocabulary is anything like Kevin Garnett’s, they definitely get a show every night out.
Random women’s tennis chicks on 162. Seriously, I have no idea who they are. They’re cute, but nothing special. No Sharapova here, and not even close. And just like that, we’re done. Where the fuck was Danica?? You can’t put her on the damn cover and then use one shot of her on page 5 and NEVER show her again! That’s false advertising!
That gripe aside, not a bad issue. They stayed away from the dumbfuck gimmicks that dragged the product down the past few years. The problem they have now is the era of the supermodel is long gone, so they have no “names” like MacPherson, Ireland, or Tyra to provide the sizzle – my guess is that the rise of the internet has something to do with this. So while we got some good looking chicks here, it’s no longer an event. I’ll tune in if they do NHL ice girls next year though!
Oh, and I can’t omit the very clever Ms. Green M&M ad on the back cover and inside, with the mock photo shoot, complete with “shell by M&M’s, boots by Stuart Weitzman” graphics. Very nice.
Ladies and gents, it’s time for the 4th annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue rant. This one kind snuck up on me, as life’s been so hectic lately that I apparently missed any hype for it. Also, the fact that I’m no longer single (and/or not as cynical about life) perhaps has taken away from the anticipation. Nevertheless, it arrived in the mail yesterday, and now we go to school, Nature Boy-style!
Kind of a blah cover this year. Bar Refaeli’s a damn pretty gal, and the light makeup is a good thing, but the photograph is nothing special except for maybe the blue sky. It’s just missing some sizzle. We got three insets: Brooklyn Decker sporting the ludicrous body paint, NBA dancers (after last year’s NFL cheerleaders), and Danica Patrick again, which isn’t a bad thing. Our theme this year is allegedly “Bikinis or Nothing.” One, nobody cares about some silly theme. Two, body paint is not a bikini, so the friggin COVER contradicts itself. Lovely.
Pretty funny Old Spice animated two page ad featuring Tony Stewart as we start, trying to look all civilized with pictures of fish and racing trophies, and a book about chili. And another good ad, this one from Direct TV called the “Coucha Sutra,” showing all the different ways you can watch TV on the couch. Cute.
Page 6 – Danica’s laid out on the hood of some fancy car, looking good in black. Also of note, she looks NOTHING like she really does here. God love makeup and/or digital handiwork. The table of contents comes on page 11, with Brooklyn wearing polka dots. Normally this doesn’t work – with her it does. And on the next page – before the next TOC page – we get a Chaps ad with some gay looking guy. Why the hell do we suddenly get THESE kind of ads in the Swimsuit Issue? I’d expect to see this shitty ad in Cosmo; does this mean more women read the Swimsuit Issue?? Bueller?
Page 22 sees some skinny chick (in comparison to the rest of the skinny chicks in the magazine) riding some big ass statue of a bull on Wall Street or something. And I have no idea what Jantzen is, but the gal in the ad with the big hoop earrings is pretty hot. Among the so-called article on page 24, the little pic of Esti Ginzburg (who?) on some washing machines is a really good shot. And another Cosmo-like ad, this one by Perry Ellis, whoever the fuck that is.
Page 30: Dan Patrick interviews Brooklyn Decker. Did you know she went to UNC?? And I’d bet money that she will be your cover girl next year. Didn’t know she was dating Andy Roddick. Wonder how much grass he’s got work with on her court. Then again, Roddick sucks at Wimbledon, so it’s a moot point.
We get introduced to the “rookies” beginning on page 33. I’ll run them down:
• Hilary Rhoda. Cute brunette from Maryland who lies about her dream guy.
• Cintia Dicker. Remember what I said about the light makeup on the cover shot? Forget it. This ga;’s a Brazilian redhead with freckles and a goofy looking face. At your local bar, she’s not bad, but likely not the hottest girl in the joint. What’s she doing here??
• Ariel Meredith. Light skinned black chick from Louisiana. Says she misses the gumbo. Seems like a cool chick. (And fuck the match.com ad on the adjacent page. For real, meet someone in six months or get six months free… that STILL makes no sense to me!!)
• Jessica Hart. Australian blonde rocking a white bikini, but she’s got the Michael Strahan gap in her teeth. If that didn’t just jump out at me, she’d be outstanding.
• Lucia Dvorska. Reddish-brunette who sorta looks like Christy Hemme, but she’s using some frilly throw blanket thing here as an accessory. Doesn’t quite work. You can read the little interview thing and see there’s nothing upstairs.
• Kim Cloutier. This girl looks the most “real” of anyone I’ve seen here yet. And she gets bonus points for being Canadian, even if she is a Habs fan. Very attractive gal.
• Jesus, how many do we have here? Damaris Lewis. Can I say “hood chick” without being racist? She’s from Brooklyn, NY, I can say it, right? She’s all about LeBron James. Maybe the Knicks should use her as a bargaining chip for next offseason. Cute girl. (And now we have our first cologne ad, from Armani, on page 45. Funny, I don’t remember those when reading about the Super Bowl last week.)
• Esti Ginzburg. The girl from the washing machine shot! She’s not as hot here, and like whatsherface above, you can read the interview and drop 30 IQ points.
•
Finally, we’re out of new girls and Brooklyn’s gorgeous on the two page spread introducing Canouan Island in the Grenadines… wherever the fuck that is. She’s come a long way from looking like a cheap hooker two years ago. Hilary Rhoda with a nice pink, white, brown, and orange bikini on page 54. Oh, and the pricetag… $172. Sure. And on page 56 – maybe I AM racist – skinny Asian girls with sand all over them just don’t do it for me. Brooklyn’s smoking on the next page though with the pink theme going on. And the little starfish connector thing on page 60 is really nice, but what in the hell is Hilary wearing on the next page?? And can you slap on any more makeup? It’s damn near RUNNING down her face! Good lord, ya’ll.
Bar Refaeli with the pullout shot on page 63. The light makeup works with her, and so does the sand. Damn, I am racist after all. $248 for this outfit apparently. In THIS economy?? You kidding me? But if she comes along with the $179 pink and black lacy getup on the next page, I’m there. Or maybe I’m just having Hart Foundation flashbacks and am just getting over excited. I dunno. And then, an SI Swimsuit Issue watershed moment, as she sports the Something About Mary hair!!! What were they thinking???
Okay, page 75, we get our first “spooky faces in the artwork” alcohol adm this one being for Pinnacle vodka. My buddy Eric pointed these things out to me, and now I see them all the time. It’s weird. And now we’re off to, well, somewhere that is never specified, because I’m not aware of anyplace where Roman, Ottoman, and Mayan cultures intertwined. Check that, they break it down further, starting in Italy, where Irina Shayk looks fantastic on the big lion statue. Our first Daniella Sarahyba sighting on page 80, and that’s a good thing, particularly her idea of serving pizza. On 84, Esti makes out with a statue of Caesar, while Arby’s has a lame ad on the adjacent page switching out sandwiches for boobs.
Good one-two photo combo of Irina and Daniella on 86-87. Like Irina’s blue and purple, while Daniella looks stunning, but you couldn’t pay me to lean up against that dirty ass wall. Especially wearing something that’s $300… even if I wasn’t actually wearing it, like in this case. And a great shot of Daniella on the next page, too. She’s hot. Marisa Miller – absent thus far – looks like a stripper in this Harley ad, but makes up for it with the little card insert.
To Turkey now, and Julie Henderson – who’s always been hit or miss – is getting it done here. But Anne V (still awaiting what the V stands for) needs some work on page 95. Not good. The “hood chick” looks great on 96, and Anne’s just missing something. Maybe she was under the weather during the shoot or something. And Ben Franklin makes googily eyes at Julie Henderson in a TurboTax ad… nice! Lucia Dvorska looks good in front of some random wooden door. More smelly cologne ads and Anne poses among what appears to be a bunch of old T-ball trophies. Page 107: what in the fuck is an iHome?
Body paint time, and everyone knows I hate this, but Brooklyn’s wearing a map! I LOVE MAPS! That appears to be the Caribbean Sea! I see Florida and Cuba and Puerto Rico. At this rate, however, there’s suddenly a huge fault line around the Venezuela/Brazil border! And the rest of it is horseshit. This is dumb. More spooky faces in the Canadian Mist ad, and there’s a bunch here. And to the Canary islands, and I’d forgotten about Tori Praver, and I don’t know how. Very nice. And another smoking hot photo in front of some rock thing. We get the first main picture of the redhead, and she’s as out of place as an attractive coed in Krzyzewskiville. She was obviously someone’s project, but she’s unfortunately out of her league here. Good for her though for making the big time.
Page 138: Okay, I don’t know who the hell Vanessa Rousso is, but I’d ALMOST be tempted to watch poker just to see her. Okay, maybe not, but she’s pretty hot. Unfortunately, poker isn’t a sport, so be gone! To Mexico now, and Melissa Haro is way hot between the sheets, and again in the three shot on 143. On 142, my girl Kim Cloutier has a great photo in the water. Jessica Hart and the gap in her teeth has four of a kind while wearing nothing. Not bad. Melissa Haro with probably my favorite shot yet on 148, as the black vertical stripes on the white suit (NOT a bikini, so much for the theme) really accentuate her curves. Figure in the wet hair, and oh yeah, I’m there. Kim needs to finish taking it off on 152, even though I’d argue whether that’s even a swimsuit.
We’re heading down the stretch now and it’s time for the NBA girls. Of the six on the two page spread, one of these things is not like the other… someone tell the Cavs girl that the Tori Spelling look went out like ten years… check that, it was never in. The Bulls girl on the next page is really cute, and so is the Pistons girl on 160. She claims her favorite player is Rasheed Wallace (Tar Heel) and that they can hear everything he says. If his vocabulary is anything like Kevin Garnett’s, they definitely get a show every night out.
Random women’s tennis chicks on 162. Seriously, I have no idea who they are. They’re cute, but nothing special. No Sharapova here, and not even close. And just like that, we’re done. Where the fuck was Danica?? You can’t put her on the damn cover and then use one shot of her on page 5 and NEVER show her again! That’s false advertising!
That gripe aside, not a bad issue. They stayed away from the dumbfuck gimmicks that dragged the product down the past few years. The problem they have now is the era of the supermodel is long gone, so they have no “names” like MacPherson, Ireland, or Tyra to provide the sizzle – my guess is that the rise of the internet has something to do with this. So while we got some good looking chicks here, it’s no longer an event. I’ll tune in if they do NHL ice girls next year though!
Oh, and I can’t omit the very clever Ms. Green M&M ad on the back cover and inside, with the mock photo shoot, complete with “shell by M&M’s, boots by Stuart Weitzman” graphics. Very nice.
