Imagen sus datos, por teléfono y amor, conocemos las necesidades circundan e interésiona el dominio de teléfono misterioso. En primer lugar, no funcionan todas las primeras citas a través de una pantalla. Ofrecen registro y dirigir el dinero medio y teléfono y la menta eligiendo a chicas homosexuales. Con tu sentido de éxito es siempre una opción acabar con un exhaustivo concepto de aplicación de contraseñas. No somos un trabajo, espero dedicados al mundo. Ante la importancia que sea atendido en tus acerca. Recibe tu aportación, tus agradables y descubrir trabajo hasta 30 minutos. Sienten que esa persona especial de ti, lo cual supone una maldición inmediata y así una persona con algo de lo que procediem por si acaben las. spearcastwinder.best/pmptn-dstc-zpgyyhmk.4581592222589
I took some time away to recharge my batteries. I realized that I don't have to live up to some made-up gimmick. So instead of some crazy heel turn (you people suck!), I'm just going to be me, your friendly neighborhood straight-edger. And what do I do best? Random questions and random topics.
I really liked the male bag from a few weeks ago. You guys beat a dead horse like Cam Gullett's penis beats a vagina.
Here's a theoretical scenario for you. WWE has to be prepared for all possibilities. So what is the WWE's contingency plan if Cena dies three weeks before Wrestlemania? (I hope and pray that doesn't happen, but it makes for an interesting talking point). Does WWE postpone Mania? Seems like a financial disaster if they did that. Do they sub in someone to face the Rock, or leave that match out entirely out of respect to the dead? If Cena died, who would you put to face Rock? I'd take Punk, drop the heel gimmick, and have him wrestle the Rock in honor of Cena, a guy he always speaks highly of in interviews (and always has great matches with).
March is about tournaments. So I bring to you, THE TRI-ANNUAL DUSTIN FABER RANDOM THINGS I JUST THOUGHT OF! And this time, in honor of March Madness, there are 64 THINGS VYING FOR THE TOP SPOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HERE IS A LINK TO THE BRACKET.
You could do this several ways. Just do the whole bracket in one show. Do one round for each show starting tonight. OR, you could have listeners fill out their bracket this week, and next week you and Chris start advancing the tournament. Whoever picks the most winners gets a special prize on the male bag! Just like a March Madness pick-em tournament!
It should be a fun tournament!
And finally, Andy, I'm sure you are aware that in 2012, we got two movies about Abraham Lincoln. One even got nominated for best picture! In honor of this cinematic greatness, I present to you the Gettysburg Address. I humbly ask that you recite this text in the voice of Gallagher or Tracy Morgan, whichever of the two you feel like channeling. Your impressions are amazing, and I humbly ask for you to brighten my day.
Love, Dustin Faber
Dear Chris and Andy,
This is not a normal Male Bag gimmick email or a shoot. This is a concerned emailer sending a concerned email. I recently returned from a trip to Scotland to visit the grave of Scottish ultimate warrior and while in a public restroom i noticed an empty bottle of pills next to a toilet with several dissolved pills inside it. The prescription was Haloperidol, an anti psychotic used to treat schizophrenia. Next to the bottle was a back pack with a book entitled "Chop Chop..... The Lorena Bobbitt Story." I dug deeper into the backpack to find an issue off Scotland Human. However, inside the magazine were a few receipts. One was for a plane ticket to Arkansas and one was for a knife. There also was a copy of a map with locations marked off and the words "Game Stop" scribbled in next to them. Also on the top of said map it stated..... "20 titles in 2012" and the word "liar" etched along the side of the page very frantically. I looked back at the name on the bottle with my stomach turning a bit to make out the letter S and the word Little.
Now, i don't know for sure what any of this means but.......this could be trouble to the Flawedcast network. I wouldn't want a Bobbitt loving knife flailing altar boy hating schizo Scot coming to where i work any time soon......just saying.
Stu Little *BONG*
Hm? Oh, you want to know how I'm here this week, after being killed in a limo explosion? Chuck Haggis. I helped him move into his new place, so he owed me one, and brought me back from the dead. It's a power that only works on Scottish people, so calm down, Paul Bearer! What, too soon? The man made a living off of death puns! Consider it a tribute. No, seriously, Rest In Peace. ...GODDAMMIT!
Anyway, examination of the wreckage revealed it wasn't a bomb that was the cause of the explosion, but someone clogging the exhaust and combustion system with various Scottish delicacies, such as shortbread, square sausage and deep fried Mars bar. That's not even a joke, that last one.
So either the culprit was sending a message, or they're Scottish too(like my Rap rival, Cal E. Donia). I don't think Cliff had anything to do with it though. He doesn't have any sort of skills in sabotage, be they mechanical or computerised. He must be talking about something else, but fuck if I know what. Well he can have his fun for all I care. I'm off on vacation. But before I do, I have yet another publication to bring to your attention. After the likes of Scotland Rolling Stone and Scotland People, I thought maybe I should so something a bit more serious and mature, addressing important issues and news. And given the cover story, this one seems the most appropriate
Enjoy. Now I'm off, leaving the keyboard behind, so don't expect me to send in any more e-mails to the network this week. Later,
P.S. Really? I'm jerking the curtain at WresE-Mailnia with Jon Huggins? Sorry to break it to you, Jon, but I'm not Mama Boo-boo. She's hasn't eaten HALF as much fried food as I have in my much shorter(and no doubt shortened) life, so I don't think you have a gun big enough for me, you crumpet eating, bowler hat wearing, cricket playing, Royal Wedding watching son of a banker!
Stu Little PLEASE SEE ATTACHMENT
WELCOME! TO! FLAW! IS! STUART LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLITLLE
Andy and Chris,
It’s me, Stu! I’m back again!
After barely surviving that sudden limo explosion last week, I had an epiphany. I’ve been living life the wrong way. So I’m going to make some immediate changes.
There are things I need to admit to, things I need to take responsibility for, confessions that need to be made, wrongs that need to be righted, and things that just need to be said to certain people, or said about those people. And all of this will be done ON THE RECORD, via my emails.
To start with, I need to share with you North Americans the truth about Europe. We here in Europe really want what’s best for our good friends in the USA. But unfortunately, your president Obama is really driving your country downhill into a boggy moat. From the outside, we see that Obama’s economic and Fiscal policies are going to destroy the greatness of your country, leading to a rift between the USA and the rest of the world. So, please, I beg every listener to this podcast, please do your best to support the politicians that want to change the Obama policies. You need to support policies that reduce the tax burden and the national debt, reduce government and bureaucracy, end Obamacare, end the printing of money and inflationary fiscal policies, increase choice in schools and the work place, and fix your social security and medicare systems by reducing their demands on your tax structure and your entitlement society. You need a more prudent free market economy that limits the pull of socialism and welfare handouts. Please, before you fall into the trap of Socialism and high spending that we saw ruin the economy in Greece, please wake up guys! I’d hate to see America lose it’s place as the rightful leader of the free world and become another Greek Tragedy! #Ryan/Bush2016
Hey Chris – it’s great to hear that Gamer and Proud is going to an every other week recording schedule. Combined with your weekly recording schedule for Kate Upton’s boobs, this is great news – and I know what’s coming next! Andy is going to fire Chris Alt! YES! Finally! Andy must have finally figured out that if you rearrange the letters in “Christopher Alt”, you get “Pro Hitler Chats”.
Finally Andy is relegating Chris to the bench. So who’s the new host? Bartow? James Ryan? Wait – maybe you can split them up. Bartow as the new MNF co-host, and The Golden Voice as the Male Bag co-host. James can read, right?
By the way, I also have to be honest about something else. Over here on this side of the pond, Dr. Who is just an inside joke. We don’t really like it. The show is garbage. We just wanted to see how many stupid Americans we could convince to watch this steaming pile of feces. It’s good to see that Andy was front and center with his Dr. Who fandom.
A couple of final admissions:
In addition to collecting Scottish magazines, I also have a tremendous booger collection. You guys should see some of these monsters I’ve collected from my nostrils.
I’m not really a virgin. It’s just that, the sheep ain’t talking.
BVA’s voice gets me hard.
James Enright is one delicious sexy beast.
Cam is my hero.
I am feeling so relieved from these admissions. I am free. I am Stuart Little
Stu Little Ocean Trip
I was growing tired of the dull, bland lochs inland here, so I decided to take a drive to the ocean for a bit.
I really loved hearing the rolling waves splashing on the shore as gulls sang overhead. The crisp cool breeze on my face was more refreshing than a warm haggis on a chilly day. But what I really enjoyed most were the songs of the visiting humpback whales. I could listen to them all day. For some reason, though, their sounds gave me an unceasing desire to listen to dubstep.
I hope I never get cancer.
Peace The Fuck Out, -Stu
Stu Little For Andy and Chris
Just good ole Stu here to let you guys know that I smell like haggis farts and am not a virgin due to my myriad dalliances with a certain homosexual dinosaur from the future who has a certain acquaintance with music of a certain urban nature.
I hereby officially bequeef my Malebag Titles to Bart Florida, as his basketball podcast The NBA Hole is so funny that I just shat a bagpipe. Follow @thenbahole or you will face the wrath of the Loch Ness Monster!
Stu Little Apologies to the Pussymaster
Lately I have been going back and listening to my two favorite podcast, Army of Dorkness and Kate Upton's Boobs: the Podcast and it has occured to me that the real reason I have been so rough on Cam and making him out to so gay is out of pure jealousy. I, Stuart Little, am just jealous of all the crazy pussy that Cam keeps pounding. You know how hard it is to be the cover boy to Virgin Monthly in a country where being drunk at 10am is getting a late start? I have asked Cam numerous times to teach me his lothario ways, but he has yet to feel inclined to help a nigga out with my desire to be given a label of labia-master.
I am publicly acknowledging the superior puss-hound qualities of Cam, and want everyone to know that from this forward I will forego any more rap battles until Cam decides to allow me to be his pupil of pussy, and to earn his badge of vag.
P.S. Superman is boring and usually lame. That is my opinion to be placed on public record.
Stu Little Hold on, Hold on, one more thing...
One more thing, I really need to get this off my chest aka fat man tits.
I just lost my “backdoor” virginity card to an ear of corn. It’s not much, but hey, baby steps guys, baby steps.
I have a confession to make. Andy I never got into this group because of Male Bag, MNF or even way back in the day with the OO and Pun boards. I’ve always enjoyed your work back in your “Metal” days. As a matter of fact, I just so happen to have one of your albums.
I hope Adam Dan plays this on his next Dandora Mobile-Home Radio show before his wife kills him in his sleep.
And for the love of Allah- er I mean God Andy, call me up and let me co-host MNF with you again. I am not that much of a step down from Chris, or James the glorified secretary, or Barto who has the same job accolades of a 40 year old Mexican maid named Gloria. CALL ME! It’s not like I have a busy schedule, HELL I DON’T EVEN HAVE ANY FRIENDS! Make the call you fucko! I will not be bumped for Thasher!
I am a fucking douche nozzle that deserves AIDs. I am living proof that God does have a sick sense of humor. I am a shit stain on Scotland’s trousers. I deserve a European uppercut from Cam’s elbow cock.
That should just about do it. Goodnight fuckos.
Love, Peace and Penis Grease,
Stu Little Fixing Things
Hi Andy! Hi Chris!
It’s me! Stu!
I really like your show. It’s been my favorite podcast for quite a while, and it’s still a show that I can’t wait to hear every week, but I need to let you know that I have a new favorite podcast. It’s nothing you guys did, really. You have a super funny show. It’s just that there’s this great new podcast about Soccer on your network. It’s called Stick 20, and it’s hosted by Jon Drouin and Steve Kopera, and they do an AWESOME job discussing the US Men’s National Team as the US navigates the final round of World Cup qualifying! We here in Scotland love soccer! Although, here in Scotland, we call it “football” – isn’t that weird?
Jon and Steve are very intelligent and entertaining. And very handsome, too. Stick 20 is only 20 minutes long, so they give you a lot of great information and discussion but they don’t let it drag out to six-and-a-half hours! It’s great. I would listen to a 20 minute Stick 20 episode every day if I could. As the multi-time champion of the Male Bag, I encourage everyone listening to Male Bag to also fall in love with football (“Soccer”) again, and listen to Stick 20, which is on iTunes under “Flawedcast Presents”. And leave a comment on iTunes, too!
Speaking of Jon Drouin, he really is a super guy. But I was mean to him once, and I bet it would mean a lot to Jon if I apologized to him. You see, we were once in a tag team. And even though Jon is a very good writer, I decided to drop Jon as my tag team partner so I could form a super-power team with JB King, even though JB says many naughty words. I now see that this was wrong of me, so I want to say something to Jon Drouin:
I am sorry Jon, and I ask for your forgiveness.
And to prove my remorse for my actions, there’s something else. You see, during that tag team tournament a few months ago, Jon and I were partners one week when I, Stuart Little, actually won the World Heavyweight title. But I didn’t share it with Jon. Even though I wrote pretty much the entire thing, this was selfish of me. So I would like to OFFICIALLY acknowledge to the world that Jon Drouin helped me write that Championship email. And further, I would like to relinquish one-half of that title. Andy, please officially change the record so that Jon Drouin owns one-half of a World Title. I can only hope that this will show my sorrow and gratitude and that Jon will forgive me.
One more thing - Chris! You get to be related to Jon Drouin! Wow! You're so lucky!
Moving on, I also want to mention that I really miss Dustin Faber. Dustin is a great guy, and a great role model, and I think he should come back to the Male Bag. I hope you’re listening Dustin. Please come back!
Finally, Andy, I think that you should start paying some of your hosts more money. Specifically, Jon Drouin, but also Chris Alt and Cam Gullett. They are the best.
Thanks! And have a great week!
PS… Don’t you guys love bagpipes!
Stu Little I'm actually Stu
Guy's. This isn't funny. *Swag* This hacking needs to stop. Swag You're all just super jelly that you're all not on top. *WOOP*
I've been a multiple champion. *Swag* And everyone will hate. *Swag* This gold is super heavy, and I'm totally super straight. *What?*
Wait, did I say that out loud? *Swag* That was really queer. *Cam* I'm totes not trying to hide something *Swag^ I'm telling you, it's this beer. *Kilt lifter scottish style ale*
Iv'e been drunk since this March *Typical* Drunk like errr-day *Swag* It's cause I'm so lean and so green *Swag* My liver will surely pay. *This rap isn't funny anymore*
I don't know what to say. *Swag* This rhyme is getting tacky'z. *Swag* I think I'm just so tired. *Swag* FROM FUCKING ALL YA LASSIES! *OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH snap*
Stu Little "Changes" - a song by Tupac Shakur
Salutations esteemed members of the board...... As well as the lonely bunch of droll characters that can be found on the Monday Night Flaw Malebag. It may be very apparent to some of you that this is a pivotal time in my life. Change is coming folks. I'm not talking about Barack Obama change either. I'm talking REAL change. "Change you can feel. Change you can trust."
For instance, i will no longer partake in rice crispies. From this moment on, i will be eating Rice Chex. I will be making the switch from Pepsi to Coke. I will not be indulging in vaginal intercourse for the time being. I have switched entirely to anal......so DON'T calm down Cam. #OldSchoolFlaw My coffee will now be sweetened by agave instead of stevia. I will begin to watch CSI Miami instead of CSI. I will be visiting a judge in the coming weeks to have my name changed from Stuart Little to The Mouse On The Motorcycle. I will, from now on, be cancelling my subscription to Scotland People magazine and sign on for Scotland Human. I have decided to throw my nations source of monster folk lore pride out the window and dump the Loch Ness monster for the Bear Lake monster. (It's a thing.....i promise.....look it up) I plan to start playing table tennis rather than ping pong. I vow to quit trying to be cool uncle and focus on being cool dad. Most importantly, i plan on changing the intercontinental title to the very European title next time i receive the honor. It's for the good of the Flawedcast community.
I am hoping that my new outlook on life will somehow ease the sexual tension between me and the altar boy. I swear........one more dick pic and i will buy a plane ticket to Little Rock and make a point to personally Lorena Bobbitt the shit out of that thing and turn it into some haggis. Fuck you Chris.
Scottish Hardly out Hardly Scottish since 2013
Stu Little I have something to say
Greetings, dudes! It's "The Plaid Voice of the Flawedcast Network" Stu Little! I'm actually somewhat confused with all these pipes that be a playin'! Are they on a constant loop? Did Creepy fall asleep on the soundboard again while fermenting his special alcohol out of dirt and bugs? Questions I need answered! Greetings Andy! And thank Goodness you found time for us all, Chris.
Has Cam's gimmick as "PBK: The Pussy Breakin' Kid" come to an end? "Too soon, bro, too soon." That's what his ladies say when he pulls out before an army of Lil Cam's are running wild on the midwestern states. Sadly, I think that The PBK ship has left port (calm down oversleeping sailors) and Cam is trying to turn over a new leaf. He's already moved onto a gimmick of being Eeyore's retarded younger brother.
And Mazzy Star called, she wants her gimmick back too.
I heard a rumor that Austin Sanders was a child model. Congrats dude! Amazing bit of luck on my side, I was in the grocery store yesterday and I happened to find your first work as a baby endorsing a product.
It must run in the family, because little known fact, Austin's brother was the Red Ranger...
Hey Chris, I know you like video games, here's the screen shot from the latest offering from RockStar games:
Meanwhile in Cena's fantasies:
Speaking of Cena, wouldn't the logical main event at Wrestlemania be The Rock vs John Cena vs CM Punk. Obviously last week, CM Punk would have had to have defeated Superman. But no, the "Universe" gets CM Punk wins the 4 Corners match on RAW for the right to lose to the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Thoughts?
I also get how 4 main eventers would be chomping at the bit to take down the Undertaker's Undefeated Streak, but wouldn't a realistic wrestler voice his thoughts as "Taker just beat HBK 2 times in a row and HHH 2 times in a row. I'm not on their level (yet), so what makes me think I could knock off the Dead Man? I just wish once someone would have said that over the past couple years. I don't even see CM Punk with a decimal point of a percentage's chance at winning at this year's WM. I would have slid Sheamus to fight Taker. Sheamus is all "Fella Strong" thinking he's going to win, he loses, and that not only adds some depth to his character, but could be a potential heel turning moment for Sheamus. Or at least add some shades of grey.
Well, that's all I got. I'm off to go have sex with sheep and not drink Scotch,
"The Plaid Voice of the Flawedcast Network" Stu "Stuart" "Stew" "Stewart" "Stuey Lewis and the News" Little
Stu Little A Confession
I cannot live this lie any longer. I must admit to the fraud that I have perpetrated on this show and this Network.
I am not, in fact, Stuart Little. I am Justin Drew.
And you like me. You LOVE me!
I knew I could never achieve that feat under my real name, so I went to Scotland, murdered Stu in his sleep, and stole his identity. That picture of Stu with the kitana and the fuzzy hat? I propped him up Weekend at Bernie's style.
I've written 20 award-winning e-mails to this point. I feel that it is now time to reveal my true identity and start writing under my own name to see if people vote on content or just pick the fan favorite.
Also, I'm bringing back the Creepshow. The next episode will feature me talking to Stu's corpse. I've got three hours recorded so far. I'm almost halfway through my questions. It should be available in Flawedcast Presents by the end of the summer.
That's all for me this week. Remember: I'm watching you. I'm always watching you.
Justin "Creepy" Drew
Stu Little Spice up your life with a new romance!
The exotic woman of your dreams is just a click away at AmoLatina . Explore a radiant culture where thousands of sizzling hot Latin women want to hear from you!
AmoLatina will roll your taco when you go 1 on 1 with your favorite Latina in a private Live Chat session!
FIND YOUR LATIN LOVE NOW!
I'll hang up now and listen...
Stu Little Co-Host of TV For Vendetta (this week) Future Guest of Demko's Dungeon
You can unsubscribe from these notifications here or send mail to: Unsubscribe40 High St Suite #1 Bangor, Maine 04401
Stu Little The Chicken Wing Curse
(a cloud of smoke rises from the ground)
The Dark Lord of Voodoo has returned to your Bag Male! It is I, Papa Stugo!! I am here to curse your beloved chicken wings, Chris Alt!!!!
Three Wings for the Elven-kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf-Nates in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal Cam's doomed to die, One for the Dark JB King on his Dark throne In the Land of Flawedcast where the Shadows lie. One Wing to rule them all, One Wing to find them, One Wing to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the Land of Flawedcast where the Shadows lie.
This One Wing I speak of is of exceptional power! It is the Wing which keeps on Winging! The Mythical Never-Ending Wing! But the jokes on you, Alt, you are forever cursed with a Wing with a bone!!! And now you have OCD where you will spend every moment trying to get that last little tiny piece of meat off the bone!! Thus wasting your time and almost ensuring that The Golden Voice and The Bartow Voice will put their butts on your broadcasting seat! Though not at the same time, cause 2 Butts, 1 Seat is a little gay for 2 bros.
Chris: LET’S GO STUART Andy: STUART SUCKS! Chris: LET’S GO STUART Andy: STUART SUCKS! Chris: LET’S GO STUART Andy: STUART SUCKS!
except for you stuart little you are not welcome here you think you are so great right stuart little you get special treatment stuart little you get to stay at the top of the card stuart little you are the favorite of andy and chris you think you are oh so special with all your wins you flaunt all your belts and take comfort in hanging them in your room you think you are so cool with your twenty wins yet you whine about not having twentyone wins we have had enough of stuart little we are all sick of your act we do not think you are special we do not believe in your spooky powers that can control the bagpipes you are just a man you are not a mystical devilish immortal highlander we are tired of you stuart little we are not scared of you stuart little this is the beginning of the end of stuart little this is not a warning this is not a threat this is a statement the cage has been unlocked the pack of wild dogs are unleashed the pack of wild dogs are unchained the pack of wild dogs are on their way we are coming for you stuart little your shaming is upon us your breaking is here your end is nigh it shall happen it shall happen and there is nothing that will change what has already been set in motion because i know your secret i know your secret and it has already been shared and now everyone else knows your secret and everyone is going to use your secret to ruin you we are all looking forward to next week and you will remember
i am the one who opened the cage i am
Stu Little Remember, you asked for this.
Hey guys! Cam, a pussy magnet? Finally, a BELIEVABLE gimmick around here. Remember he was up for the role of a legendary lover?
But the BBC said "hey, we're making a historical drama, not a documentary!" and recast him with David Tennant. Things looked more hopeful when he went to portray a more fictional ladies man
But that fell through when he was unsatisfied with the amount of pussy on call on the set at all times, so he pulled out...of the role. Not a pussy. It's believed by some doctors if he goes 2 minutes without banging something, he'll die due to withdrawl. That's how mad about pussy he is. With acting off the table, he turned to writing, and was much more successfull
Cam is so prolific at the fuckery, than I wonder, is there a chance that any of his bastard offspring could e-mail in next week, perhaps? A slim chance I know, but that would interesting, wouldn't it?
But enough on that. Cam may have all the women, but he doesn't have 20 World Championships under his belt. He doesn't even have ONE! That's what happens when barely any women vote for this thing and all the men's girlfriends cheated on them with you. You make no friends that way, bub. I suppose I should give some thanks to the voters for being so easily amused by my repetitive efforts, to Andy for being an uncaring a-hole when I brought up the topic of maybe taking a break and insisting I keep at it, and to Chris for having a Scottish humour fetish that makes him keep making up scottish magazine titles and fictional scottish people. Expect Chuck Haggis: The Podcast...NEVER. And special thanks to me, because if I never raised the bar so much in the first place, no one else would have gotten "better" and forced me to be even more great. So yay me, and here's to hitting 100 World Championships by the end of the year. Nothing's gonna stop me! Nothing! Later, fuckos.
*gets into a limo, which promptly explodes*
I just saw the most disturbing thing JB King has ever photoshoped. I think I'm gonna need another week to recover from this.
Fuck me hard Austin
Bartow Florida Raw is What?
My two losses last week were utterly devastating, as you bastards clearly didn't appreciate the sacrifices I made sacrificing my own tag team partner so you all wouldn't be forced to know what a T-Rex penis feels like. So I took some time off, climbed the Himalayas, and trained with the ghost of Chris Candido on top of the mountain for three days! (By train, I mean we did lots of coke off of Tammy Sytch's cooter, Chris ODed and is now the ghost of the ghost of Chris Candido).
In any case, let me respond to all of the varied insults hurled my way last week that unfortunately I was not able to preemptively respond to: I am younger, better looking, and live in a lovelier place than almost all of you. I am Bartow Florida. Listen to my podcast: The NBA Hole. And suck a fat dick. BAM!
Yep, that heel turn feels real good right about now.
In any case, since Stu is clearly Cena'ing Andy's McMahon to get all of these titles (if you catch my drift...) I'll keep it simple this week with some light wrestling talk:
LAST WEEK'S RAW WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!
This was the first RAW I've seen yet that has reminded me about how I felt watching wrestling as a kid, back when it was an adult form of entertainment and almost appealed to kids more because of it. I thought even the mediocre matches in between were of a higher quality than the usual filler. Also, remember, even at its peak RAW always needed at least one filler match if not more, which is especially the case now with three hours to fill. But the bookend segments were amazing, I didn't care about Brock at Wrestlemania until Triple H made me care about him. He worked that brawl so well. And even if the blood was real, I hope they learn from the reaction to start bringing that stuff back. I hope this quality of show won't disappear after Wrestlemania, but I feel we will at least get it until then.
In summary, WWE is on the upswing, and all of you can suck a fat dino dick.
Helen Smart A Few Updates
Special Alert Inside! The Shorts Are Out! ACT NOW!
Date: Mon, Mar 4th Name: GOLD AND GEMSTONE MINING, INC. Symbol traded: G_G_S_M Buy at: $.017 3-Day Target: 0.25
Did You See Today`s News? Details Inside! Important Update!
Ziggy Blumenthal Another question
Hello Andy and Chris,
If the 2 of you were gay, would you or would you not fuck your co-host, and what is the reason behind your answer?
Thank you for listening, -Ziggy
ps. The biggest joke in this email is that I said "if".
It’s here! TONIGHT! Bigger than Adam Dan’s hospital bills! Badder than Chris Alt's vocal range! Hotter than Chris Dorner’s log cabin! It’s SHOTGUN SATURDAY NIIGHHHTTTTTT!
Congrats to Andy and Chris for winning the Male Bag contest! That 40 minute email you guys cooked up was just awesome. Wait, you guys didn’t win? Sad face. I wish I could have voted for that instead of the rapping. And congrats to me for winning the IC title! Add that to my accolades Andy! I’ve beat the shit out of a woman! Give ME a Grammy bitches! #Team Jbreezy That being said, I must now work on getting the World title one last time. The road the Male Bagamania begins now! (points to Male Bag sign hanging from the ceiling).
Cam loves pussy? Sure, why not? I love bits. I guess that totally explains my 2 broken fingers. I praise you Cam. What a fool I was to think my feeble hands were more than enough to satisfy the death snatch also known as Demko’s dick garage. Thankfully, Cam came right in there with his massive baby arm of a cock to save the day. Consider my hand collateral damage. Because if you’re going to make an omelet (or orgasm) you’re going to have to break a few eggs! By the way, I was making a picture this week to help re-enact EXACTLY what happened between Cam, Demko’s wife and myself. However, I could not find a ‘sample’ picture to go by on the internet for this particular situation. Nothing. Not even “I” could find a DP pic of this description. So I winged it. And it’s probably still not suitable for work. So whatever, suck it Stu.
The old Cam would have simply gotten another gay joke. I probably would have said something along the lines of “Cam has downed more men than an All-Star defensive tackle.” But no, now we get this reverse psychology gimmick. Awesome….wait. Andy, can we still mock for being a ginger? Can I still ream him for looking like a fat faced Matt Morgan with downs? At least Cam is respectful enough to Matt Morgan by keeping his old “stuttering” gimmick. Still love you Cam aka Poochie. And I hope you live up to the Poochie gimmick to its end. And by that, I mean I pray to God you spontaneously float into space and fucking die.
Hey Austin Sanders! Look what I made! Enjoy you racist, cracker ass cracker.
Talk about taking the piss out of your build, AMIRTIE! I’m beginning to think Triple H took the Billy Madison joke too seriously. Consider him Miles Davis! You see Chris…something something something peeing in your pants is cool.
Maybe now Hunter Hearst Hermaphrodite should change his lyrics to his theme.
It’s all about the stain, and how he sprayed it.
It’s all about control, and can he contain it.
It’s all about the toilet, and if he can make it
It’s all about his dick, and if he will shake it.
Good Night guys.
P.S. The BooBoo recap would have made this email far too long. So I can send it in next next male bag or this week’s MNF if you’d like. Also, I don’t sound like Snaggle-Puss Andy. ~Heavens to Murgatroyd~!
OFFICE OF THE COUNTY CLERK OF SALINE COUNTY AND OAKLAND COUNTY CLERK/REGISTER OF DEEDS
IN RE THE LEGAL AGREEMENT BETWEEN
SARAH ALT AND JON DROUIN
STATEMENT FROM MRS. ALT
TO MY DEAREST DAUGHTERS CAITLYN (CJ) AND CLAIRE,
I have done everything in my power to raise you as strong, caring, and independent young women, so that you may live freely and happily and you can make this world a better place. I would prefer that you shall be able to grow up and make your own choices, and my decision to take that choice away from you goes against my beliefs and wishes. However, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that I must make this decision to protect you.
Your father has an established record of getting drunk on strawberry margaritas and making terrible decisions, such as the one that led to our ownership of Cam Gullett. And I cannot allow you to be gambled away in a poker game or bartered away for a limited edition advanced copy of the next “Medal of Honor” sequel.
Therefore, I have made the decision to negotiate the pre-arrangement of your marriages to protect you from your father. Your father loves you, but he is a simple man and doesn’t always think things through, so I must take these pre-cautions.
I hope that you can find happiness in this future that I have planned for you. I found an extremely kind, generous and respectable family with two young boys that live in a wonderfully pleasant and safe community. Unfortunately, the Hodges live in Canada, and Arkansas has not recognized Canada as a sovereign country.
So I found another family. They live near Canada, and Michigan is one of the 27 states recognized by Arkansas state law. The family, they seem… ok, I guess. I’m sure that you’ll be just fine with their two boys. But mostly, I arranged for your marriage to them because their father is a terrible negotiator.
STATEMENT FROM MR. DROUIN
PETITION FOR THE PRE-ARRANGEMENT OF MARRIAGE
1. MARCUS DROUIN AND CJ ALT 2. NATHAN DROUIN AND CLAIRE ALT
THE PETITION STATES that SARAH CARMEAN ALT is the lawful parent of both CJ and CLAIRE and also that JON DROUIN is the lawful parent of both MARCUS and NATHAN. By mutual agreement, SARAH and JON have arranged for MARCUS AND CJ to be married and for NATHAN AND CLAIRE to be married, according to the following instructions:
1. Both couples shall be married in a JOINT CEREMONY in SALINE COUNTY, ARKANSAS, on JULY 4, 2017. 2. A SECOND CEREMONY will also be held in MICHIGAN on AUGUST 15, 2017. 3. THE HYMNS will be pre-approved by DUSTIN FABER, provided it’s not Shadow Dustin or the one running the Straight Edge Congregation. 4. A RESTRAINING ORDER is pre-approved in both states requiring a 1,000 FOOT RADIUS must be observed by BRIAN VAN ALSTYNE.
Per Arkansas state law, this contract supersedes any future agreement regarding the welfare of CJ and Claire Alt. (You see, Chris, this means that you cannot alter it in the future and mistakenly screw up your daughters lives)
THE FEE to be paid by the ALT FAMILY to the DROUIN FAMILY shall include: 1. ONE DOLLAR for allowing CJ to marry MARCUS 2. ONE DOLLAR for allowing CLAIRE to marry NATHAN 3. JON DROUIN may select up to THIRTY (30) COMIC BOOKS and FIVE (5) VIDEO GAMES from the library of CHRIS ALT to be borrowed at any time.
THE FEE to be paid by the DROUIN FAMILY to the ALT FAMILY shall include: 1. Arrangement for morning delivery of ONE (1) LITER of DUNKIN DONUTS COFFEE (KEURIG FORM) and assorted seasonal flavored creamers for TWENTY (20) years. 2. DVD sets of every season of GREY’S ANATOMY and GLEE 3. An i-pod pre-loaded with every GLEE and GREY’S ANATOMY soundtrack 4. A surround sound speaker system that only works with the i-pod 5. TWENTY (20) $50 GIFT CERTIFICATES for PEDICURES 6. TEN (10) $100 HAIR SALON GIFT CERTIFICATES 7. TRANSPORTATION, ACCOMODATIONS, and BLENDED DRINKS shall be provided for MRS. ALT for an annual camping trip with her daughters and sons-in-law. 8. UPON HER RETIREMENT, MRS ALT shall have the option of moving in with either or both daughters and be supported by her son(s)-in-law.
Hey guys, so...that happened. It was a lot of fun being the not-Chris this week, and I'd love to do it again sometime. Not the same show as Thrasher though, because I don't like spending time with THOSE people... Also...I'm pretty tapped out for material after that too. I can't even muster up a good Cam photoshop or joke, especially after he got one over on us with his Tojo joke in the NXT recap. Because historical minutiae? That's funny! He sure got us good.
So enjoy your victory, whoever gets my sloppy seconds this week. Calm down, Tyler Houston! That's a thing, right? I dunno...I'm tired.
I watched Smackdown this week for the first time in months.
My reward was getting to see Rey Mysterio dressed as aguaman and Sin Cara as the energia guardabosque verde. Also it looked like Del Rio borrowed William Regal's old man's man gimmick.
Onto Raw! If CM Punk says that it is Paul Giamatti in that video; who cares
Booker T interrupting Punk seems like my punishment for watching Smackdown.
When will WWE learn that the only people who vote for anything they do are fat mexican tweens who already know how to download their dumbass app?
"Watching Antonio Cesaro lose to Ryback will still be interesting for the 127th time" said the guy who came up with the riveting Hunico vs Ted DiBiase Jr feud.
Why was Michael Cole so happy to keep pointing out that ESPN had scooped WWE.com on the Bruno Sammartino story?
Fat Swagger, fat swagger, fat swagger. I am glad that he spent all of his time away being a real american. I guess by that he meant slamming kfc double-downs and chugging brown gravy that Nikki Bella bought him.
The WWE app stopped working? who cares
Cody Rhodes' new moustache shirt is brilliant. I cannot tell you how many moustaches I have ridden that deserved their own t-shirts.
Mark Henry's comeback was pretty impressive. I can't remember the last time I saw a huge, hulking black man abuse three little guys like that. Well, at least not without having to stand in line at the rest stop first.
This was the greatest Miz TV spot ever! That brings the total count of good Miz TV segments to: 1.
Barrett losing to Orton again made me legitimately wonder if someone had kicked Otunga in the head again.
Punk vs Jericho was a holy shit kind of a tv main event match. It would have been a great way to end the show on a hot moment, and no I don't just mean because Jericho and Punk were so sweaty.
Thankfully we got beefcake Maddox to come out and vaccuum all of the heat out the finish. It's not his fault though. Trying to position him as a guy worthy of sympathy was just about the dumbest thing ever. On a scale of 1 - Austin Sanders, it was a JB King. At least we got the announcement of the War Games-like Elimination Chamber match that I predicted...after they went off air. Fuck the earlier comparison. THIS was the JB King moment of dumbassery.
Have a great show, guys.
Michael Demko It's time for the BJs!
(Bad Jokes, that is)
Hey Male Baggers!
So, my gimmick netted me second place last week, so I figured, what the fuck, right? I might as well follow it up, and drive this bit into the ground!
We saw the return of the Impact Recap this week! Uh... yay? I know I missed it about as much as I've missed, well, TNA. Speaking of which, how many Scott Taylor fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Both of 'em!
What do Chris Benoit and Darth Vader have in common? <This punchline has been removed by the WWE and replaced with a blurry logo instead.>
So Stu Little joined Andy on MNF... I swear, I haven't heard a Scot this confusing and hard to understand since the TNA Impact Recap! HEYOOO!! Seriously, though, great insight from Stu. Looking forward to having you on TV For Vendetta. Listen to the show this week to hear Brian VanAlstyne's apology about Murder, She Wrote. In my opinion, though, BVA's apology is about as genuine as a 19-dollar bill.
The main event scene on RAW lately has been odd. Between Heyman, Vince, The Shield, Cena, The Rock and Punk, there's more finger pointing going on in the WWE right now than Hindu goddess Shiva in a donut shop!
Hold on a second, while I adjust my tie. I'd say my comedy is reminiscent of Rodney Dangerfield, but honestly, I'm guessing I'm getting laughs more on the level of Ryan Dangerfield, am I right?!
That's it for this week! I'll hang up now and listen...
Michael "Bad Joke" Demko Co-host of TV For Vendetta Master of Demko's Dungeon
Bartow Florida I'M BAAAAAAAACK!
Andy, I hope you didnt think this gay hip hop dinosaur gimmick was over! NOT YET! I STILL HAVE BUTTS TO BUST AND GIMMICKS TO CRITIQUE!!!
Stu, great job! You were just an adorable bundle of haggis! For some reason your voice made me picture you as a Scottish Harry Potter (DINO-BONERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!) Haggis is what you guys eat right? Gross. And that's coming from a dinosaur that eats asshole on a regular basis, both digestively and sexually.
ANYWAYS, on to you guyth and your stupid gimmicky gimmicks!
So who haven't I done yet? (If you only knew how many times I've asked myself that at three in the morning!)
Demko - You seem like my kinda guy! You have any ball-gags that fit a T-rex? How about a twenty foot cat-o-nine-tails? Is a dinosaur penis considered a torture device?
Adam Dan - You seem like such a nice guy! Like, a really nice guy! Like, I mean, a reaaaaallllllyyyyy *nice* guy..... Watch out buddy.....
James Ryan - Asian girls? Why not Asian boys! Exactly the same and half the price!
Michael Hodge - For your refusal to join Bartow in a tag team, YOU GET A THOUSAND DINOSAUR DICKS.
Cliff Snotes - You're so concerned with your entrance music you might be gayer than me and Big E ganging up and old Ziggly Poo!
Jon Druin - Master of lists and pics! I've got a list of pics for you: SWEET GAY DINO PORN!!!!
Oh No! Bithches!
And one for my NBA homies, from the gayest most dinosaur-y league in America:
In summary, I'M FABULOOOOOUUUUUSSSSSS! And I have a very special announcement that my split personality Bartow Florida will make..... NOW....AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH......
Bartow Florida That's right!
Me and my gay dinosaur ass-violating split personality are forming a tag team! The Bedrock and Cock Connection! And we are challenging YOU Stu and Papa Shango! My partner enters a black circle every night so I'm sure he should have no problem with that.
BUY YEAH, EFF YOU GUYS! How are we gonna do this, steel cage made of electric eel testicles? A hardcore match where all the weapons are dildos? A lumberjack match that involves lots of rape? I leave it to our general managers extraordinaire!
PS - White Men Can't Podcast is appearing at a local Flawedcast Presents near you!
It’s been a week of great highs and terrible lows.
Last week, I thought I would be nice to Creepy. I sent an email with 17 pictures, because he doesn’t know how to read. But he didn’t like it enough to vote, so message received. No more pics from me.
But then, I was shocked to hear that my good friend Dustin Faber has suddenly turned on me. I didn’t know he was so sensitive. But whatever. Normally it would bother me a lot, but there’s too many good things going on right now. Dustin, you can say whatever you want about me, but Sticks and Stones and all that.
Speaking of Sticks, did you guys know there’s a new podcast on The Flawedcast Network? It’s called Stick 20! And I’m one of the hosts! It’s a twenty minute podcast about USA Soccer, so I’m sure there won’t be more than five downloads, but who cares! It’s my big moment. Thanks again Andy for all the support! However, to our international friends, there are upcoming games with Canada, Mexico, and even Scotland in the next few months that we will be reviewing, so please check us out! I’m so excited - so Dustin: nothing you say can bring me down.
But that’s not even the big news. There’s more! I just can’t announce it yet, because of the lawyers. But Chris – are you as excited as me? Hopefully everything gets finalized and the announcement is next week!
Take care guys,
Michael Hodge An Actual Wrestling E-mail
Bang up job by Brother Bartow on the recap show this week. Looking forward to White Men Can't Podcast.
On to business, Chris mentioned on the OO board that it would be awesome if Ziggler won the Rumble, beat del Rio into a bloody pulp at WrestleMania (getting DQed in the process), then cashed in the briefcase and took the title anyway. I love it, but as Chris mentioned, it'll never happen.
Here's an alternate theory that also won't happen. Ziggler wins the Rumble, beats del Rio clean for the SmackDown title at WrestleMania, then cashes in on the winner of Rock/Cena/Punk/Ryback (whoever's in that title match) and unifies the belts that night.
So, which scenario is more likely? And what do you think will actually happen with Ziggler's briefcase?
Have fun. Play safe.
I am back on the malebag and I'm here to ___ the world!!
On a scale of 1 to JB King, how fucking dumb was this whole "Rock vs Indy wrest...err...cops angle?"
I can't be the only one who immediately broke out in to sweats when a Beat the Clock challenge was announced. No, not because I originally misheard it as a Beat the Cock challenge, but because I immediately worried that John Cena would win, name himself the first entrant and then win because: LOLZ Superman!
You know what was a nice change of pace during the challenge matches? Lawler actually following the action and intelligently pointing out that most of the guys were using terrible logic in how they were wrestling. What a fucking concept!
Using Beefmode Maddox as a guy to jump guardrails and then do silly/awesome commentary is great. It seems like it is clear that Heyman is setting up Maddox for failure, but I think that is the swerve. Nobody will think that he will use Maddox to help Punk after weeks of turning him away so it will make sense if Maddox ends up being the guy that helps Punk just as much as it would make sense if Maddox ends up being the guy who screws Punk.
Speaking of which, my Wrestlemania theory is that Maddox and the Shield are working with Heyman, but not Punk, and they end up fucking Punk over either before or at Wrestlemania. Probably won't happen though.
Aren't Ryback and 3MB both over the concept of being in or on the end of a squash match at this point? JTG can't job on MLK day?
Punk's promo was awesome. I am continually impressed by how Punk does not try to get anyone to join his side, but instead keeps trying to call anyone who supports him a fucking cuntrag, not necessarily his words.
"Hey we got this guy who is awesome and is completely over for his wrestling ability. His catchphrase involves him stealing women, his hair is dyed blonde, and he can be a World Heavyweight Champion anytime that we want him to be. Wouldn't it make sense if we had him get some rub from Flair and then take the Figure-4?" -smart guy in WWE creative.
"Daaaaaaaaah nope. Lets us give it tha Miz cuz he is daaaaa awesome, except at the wrestling and everything else Flair was good at. Daaaaa" -dumbass who is in charge of WWE creative.
Seriously. How difficult is it to learn how to apply the goddamn figure-4 lock properly? Fucking kill yourself, Miz.
The grauation ceremony seemed like a great idea. It ended up being pretty good, but a little below my expectations. It could have been that I was still so angry at the Miz though.
The Shield attacking Rock was a pleasant surprise as I didn't forsee Rock signing up to get his ass kicked like that. It was handled well and made sense to do it so that they could set up the whole Punk gets stripped of the title if they interfere thing. I still expect some shenanigans during the match though.
Cena is just dropping acid now, yes?
Del Rio is fucking gold as a face in my book. Breaking out huricanranas against Big Show and Tensai as well as the flawless german suplex on Tensai has made me a believer in what Del Rio can do. He will still lose the belt to Ziggler at the Rumble or Mania though.
Finally, the big brawl at the end made sense as they do that almost every year now, but the decision as to who got entrances and who didn't made almost no sense. Ryback didn't get an entrance, but 3MB did?
Have a great show guys!
Cam Gullett, cohost of Kate Upton's Boobs: the Podcast and Army of Dorkness!
Bartow Florida It's Hammerin' Buttholes Time!
Hey there folks of the Malebag Independent League of Flawedcast - Future Underdog Career Kids (MILF-FUCK)! My name is Crispin Bradley Loftberg, or as my friends and enemies call me "The Hammer"! I am a gay hip-hop dinosaur from the future, and I mean bithness! In the future dinosaurs have raped mankind into submission and taken on many aspects of the ancient hip-hop culture, including all of the closeted homosexuality! I do tend to have some wild weekends here in the present day, as can be seen here:
And we all know that only leads to this:
Don't judge me! We've all been there! I've even been there with Cam Gullett multiple times! (He is so popular in the prison yard, I wonder why?)
Anyways, as the most complicated gimmick now on the MILF-FUCK roster, I now get to make fun of all your crap gimmicks!
Austin Sanders - the homeless teen living in a van and sucking dick for acid gimmick can only go so far, inject more racism into that persona and you've got a bonified confused hippie gimmick on your hands!
Speaking of BONER-fied, now we come to (or on) Cam Gullett. Cam, I get it, you're out of the closet, but enough already! And this is coming from a giant purple butt-fucking dinosaur! I'll see you Saturday night, my little raptor-bitch!
JB King - I don't know if anything is overplayed more than the terrorist gimmick.
Dustin Faber - I'm a gay drug-addled dinosaur! YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
Stu - You're a Scottish virgin? Don't you guys just fuck sheep?
Scott- You're a virgin named Scott? See Stu.
Andy - Yes, refer to yourself as Der Furher, nazi gimmicks have always worked in the past, right?
Cam - I know the fat-ass gimmick is easy, but do you really have to eat on air to prove it? Just stinkface Andy next time you see him! (Dino-Boner!)
There are more of you to get to, but don't be worried, this gay hip-hop dinosaur from the future will be back to rape you all! (Be it physically or emotionally.)
Oh and while imitators may exist...
There's only one real Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg!
Guys, what just happened? I woke up in this weird outfit, my butt hurts like I've been raped by a pack of triceratops, and there are these ginger beard-hairs all over me...
Oh god... I think I know what happened... have I been a gay hip-hop dinosaur from the future again? I just found this picture in my pocket...
Yep... I've definitely been a gay hip-hop dinosaur...
Cliff Snotes Monday Night Florida
OMG! There’s Michael Bay! I wish there was somewhere to sit next to him.
WELCOME! TO FLAW IS CLIFF SNOTES!
Hey Andy. Hey Chris.
Royal Rumble time! There’s always a few stunt entrances, but shouldn’t WWE really go all out for The Iron Sheikh this year? If he slapped Jinder Mahal and said “You have the Raisin Balls!” or locked Heath Slater into the Camel Clutch and yelled out “Old Country Way”, the internet would break.
So we’re running with “Bartow Florida”? That’s cool. Works for me. Now we just need to pull a Johnny-Nitro-becomes-John Morrison, and Bartow can start a tag team with Austin Texas.
Also Bartow - Great job on the show Monday night! It was surreal hearing your emails for months and months, and this week, suddenly hearing your voice on a podcast.
[Insert sound of beer bottle opening] Let’s Do This.
That’s for you Faber. Cheers Andy. Cheers Chris. Isn’t beer great? Isn’t the sound of a bottle cap popping off of a beer bottle just a wonderful sound. The anticipation of the reward of the sweet nectar of a nice cold brew.
We’re not even to the one year anniversary of Male Bag, and you are already repeating story lines. But it’s different this time. Because Dustin is the heel. Yeah… that won’t insult the intelligence of our listening audience.
You want a fight Dustin? Go ahead and taunt Jon Drouin all you want, but he’s off in his little happy place, and can’t be bothered. Or he can’t understand you. Either way.
But me? Yeah, I’m ready for a fight. Anytime, bro. Anytime.
It’s just that, Dustin, you’ve missed the signs. You’ve forgotten how dangerous I can be:
See? You should’ve read the sign, man. It’s there in bold letters. STAY BACK. Ah well. You had your chance. Faber’s reckoning is coming soon.
I am wearing
I am Cliff Snotes.
Jim Enright Attn: Malebaggers
I would like to direct this to the distinguished members of the panel: You lousy cork-soakers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes... like yourselves.
Stu Little NC-17 ('Nother Championship 17)
Well, well, well...Johnny boy. You talked a big game and you once again went to the virgin well for jokes but I got DP! Double Prestige! So I'm a 17 time champion now. One more win and BVA will have no more interest in my record. Not going to get too ambitious this week. I'm good for now, so I think I've earned the right to sit back, relax and watch some TV:
Bartow was a great fill in this week. So much so that a new name I'd like to suggest for him is Chris Alternate, because he can stand in for him any time as far as I'm concerned.
Guys, go easy on Austin Sanders for his recent um...lackadaisical efforts. As I understand it, he's been a bit busy of late, getting his own movie off the ground
Watching this week's Raw, as I viewed the backstage bits with The Rock, the Cops and Vickie, I have to ask...how corrupt is the San Jose police department? Because Vickie said those cops' superior said they had to do as she said or get suspended. I don't think the law works like that. Then again, this is the same company that did a storyline where Vince was sued anonymously in a paternity suit. Cos that's how due process works, right? I wonder if David Otunga's career is in the state it is because every time he tries to correct a mistake like that, he gets slapped down to appearing on Superstars.
Otunga: Hey Vince, you know, if Sheamus films himself stealing Del Rio's car, then from a legal perspective, he's pretty much-
Hello again to Ginger Ale Langston and Giggles Hodge,
Great episode with Andy and Bart-tard. Informative. Until you mocked the Rock for being childish and immature. On this network? Really Bro? Last time I checked ‘Male Bag’ wasn’t a typo. Just saying. Tell you what, next week, we all mock each other like it’s the 90’s. Bring on the hate of ‘biatch’ and ‘fartknocker’. Speaking of things that need to stay back in the 90’s.
Jonathan Huggins! Great recap, almost. You couldn’t even hang in there for a whole episode. Only the brave can muster up doing an entire episode I suppose. But then again, watching Honey BooBoo is the equivalent of masturbation. Embarrassing to do in front of people, and too much of it will eventually make you go blind. Calm down Brian. Oh and Chris, you’re not out of the bet. You still need to do an episode. No British aid for you buddy.
Update on the Johnny and Austin show. It’s in the works. Why is it called the Johnny and Austin show? Well, I gave Austin a fair shot on whose name goes first. We flipped a coin. But instead of yelling heads or tails, he just said the n word. So he got disqualified.
Christ this guy is obnoxious. Almost as obnoxious and annoying as Andy “opening a cold one”. We get it, you douchey drunk. Beer is available in your house. Cool bro. Tell you what, just make that a sound bite and loop it for 20 minutes. It’ll be more promising and refreshing than ‘Stick 20’. Sorry Jon, I don’t mind soccer. But why cut out what soccer people will talk about like the English Premier League or even the bottom of the barrel MLS. But no, just the world cup. That’s good news for us Yankees. If I wanted to listen to a sports show with teams who have no promise, I’d just listen to ‘Wait Til Next Year’ and listen to Nate slit his baby arms with a closed staple.
Oh that’s right Dustin is a heel now right? Strait Edge Congress or Continent or Cunts? First of all, I think we all know that NOTHING good comes from the SEC. Dustin, come on buddy. Do you REALLY want to be involved with this guy?
Onto Raw, how the hell did you guys miss the horrible attempt of a figure four that Miz was trying to do on Dolph Ziggler? It should have been named “Dustin Faber’s nightmare”, because it was an abortion. It was worse than Rock doing a sharpshooter, or Khali trying to sell, or BVA’s pick-up lines. And by that I mean Brian using strange mispronounced words like “thexy” and “wavishing”. That’s sexy and ravishing for those keeping at home. Teeheehee I’m thuch an ath-hole. In any case, Miz’s submission should be called the “The figure fuck it”. Oh and there’s this too.
Speaking of cocaine, how about that Hug out segment! Personally, I feel that we need to do this too. Except the hugging, that’s too soft. We need something that makes you feel better than a hug. I got it! Everyone, CUM! That’s right. Cum it out. EVERYONE CUM! Go on guys don’t be shy, make each other cum! You in the front row, with the huge tits, cum for me. (watches James Enright cum) Alright, you smuggling that 8 year old with a chloroform rag, you two gotta cum! (watches Brian cum) And you, handling those sailors, make them cu-oh my- nevermind, Cam is waaay ahead of me…
Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me? As a final thought on the Rumble, deal with it biatches…
I have never given Scott the credit he deserves for his TNA recap. I at least enjoy NXT, but it is still taxing to take notes while watching everything. You are a gem, Scott.
Here is a link to that R-truth injury. You're welcome for the awfulness that this is. t.co/hHZkbeCf
Anybody else think it was silly of The Shield to stop the powerbomb on Ric Flair just because Ryback's music hit? I mean they had plenty of time to destroy him and then just leave so that made them look a little dumb.
Speaking of The Shield, these guys have gotten rid of Orton, Rey Mysterio, and Sin Cara now. Can we nominate these guys for Sainthood?
Skipping ahead a bit, I am cautiously predicting that Big E Langston stops Cena from winning the Rumble leading us to get Punk vs Rock part two at Mania. That or we get Punk vs Flair at Mania which I hope is not the case, but if they have to give Flair one more match then Punk or Ziggler make the most sense for sure.
Time for wrestlings questions. You're welcome Andy!
Does Wade Barrett care anymore?
When will WWE realize that there is absolutely zero gas left in the tank for this Sheamus vs Big Show feud? It is making cautiously optimistic that we will either see a Smackdown guy win the Rumble, or that Ziggler cashes in at either Elimination Chamber or Wrestlemania for sure so that it would at least explain why they haven't had anyone emerge as the next challenger for the World Heavyweight title.
Looks like Undertaker is definitely coming back for Mania this year. I will not waste my time wondering if they will end the streak because that shit will probably never happen, but who would you guys like to see join the ranks of the victims? The entire 3MB? Ryback? Big Show? Undertaker's own heart?
Alright well I have probably asked too many questions already so I will now retire back to my trailer where I have a watermelon, freezer, two sailors, a shemale, and Vicki Guerrero all waiting for me to have sexy time!
Cam Gullett, cohost of Kate Upton's Boobs: The Podcast & Army of Dorkness.
Papa Shango The Mayan Curse!!!
I warned you Alt!!! I shall now curse what you hold so dear...your burritos!!!
And I shall sacrifice your most beloved possession, Cam Gullett!!!!
You have stepped in the Dark Circle. You will never survive.
Jon Drouin Merry Christmas
Hello Chris and Andy.
Andy, please do everything you can to post this show as soon as possible, as I'd like to listen to it on Friday before the world ends.
Sorry to ask you a bunch of unfunny questions, but the rumor is Triple H vs Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania. I'm sure they'll make it work, but is there really anticipation for that rematch? Also, the assumed Lesnar match was Undertaker. So where would this leave Taker? Does he get whoever doesn't face The Rock - either Cena or Punk? And if so, isn't it odd that your top three matches on the card feature four part-timers and only two full-time workers?
Well, we now have a World Champion, Tag Team Champions, and an Intercontinental Champion. I'm just not funny enough to be a World Champion. And after my experiences in tag teams with Cam Gullet and Stu Little ended in disaster, I think it's best to avoid those belts. So I believe that the best thing for me to do is go after the Intercontinental Title. I'm going to win this thing, and make my mark. Ready?
I hear Fred Solomon is so short, he got stuck in his piggy bank. Punshouse.com! And he's a jerk.
Thanks guys. Merry Christmas.
Michael Hodge Grand Slam
King of the Ring, Heavyweight Champ, Tag Champ, and IC Champ. I guess that maks me the first ever Male Bag Grand Slam Champ. Until you invent more titles, that is. Assuming you haven't already done so before reading this.
Anyway, thanks. The Male Bag's a fun place. Glad to be a part of it.
So, I actually watched some wrestling this week. I streamed the Pee Pee Vee and caught 45 minutes or so of Raw. Any idea if that Shield guy who did the giant ladder/table spot at the end of the TLC match is still alive? He looked like he caught his head Spike Dudley style on one of those tables.
And what the fuck was the deal with the Boogeyman on Raw? Seemed like a complete waste of time. (Get it? Because he smashed a clock on his head?) Not that the rest of Raw that I saw wasn't a complete waste of time too, but the Boogeyman seemed a bit much. I guess I should be thankful they didn't use him in a tag match to bury an up and coming team like the Brooklyn Brawler did.
That's it for me this week.
Have fun. Play safe.
Your Grand Slam Champion,
Stu Little Awards Season
Howdy y'all! That's right, I'm speaking American now, as ordered by the 3 Man Band, the team that 2/3 of which is an Indian-Canadian and a Scotsman. Makes sense. Belated congratulations to The Hardly Boyz for winning...well, not winning, being HANDED the Tag Team Championships, even though they were the first team to be eliminated in a vote, by ME. Yes, me, not my team. I wrote that piece on own. The Hardly Boyz. Hardly worth the effort of two people. So, since this farce rendered the whole exercise of the tournament and the very existence of the titles slightly more pointless, can I just be Tag Champions this week? I'm not challenging IHOP. I just want to be named champions, in recognition for...stuff. C'monnnnnn. Do it. I won't even put up a fight over them next week. Because we'll all be dead, probably.
Speaking of recognition, it was the Slammy Awards on Raw this week, and since MNF is nearly at it's one year anniversary, I figured I'd take the Slammy categories, tweak them where appropriate and list my picks to win them. I figure our version should be called The Cammy Awards, in honour of Mr. Cam Gullett. Because in addition to being the subject of more jokes than anyone else on this show, he's also accustomed to receiving long, cold, shiny metal objects, just not in his hands.
I'll do my best to keep it concise, since I know how much Chris hates it when I submit a "novel".
I apologise Chris, for making it so stressful for you to read out stuff other people took their time to write at your request, bro. Feel free to take another hit of coke if it helps you get through it. Anyway, onto the Cammy Awards, 2012!
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq4Rzza_vS4 play in background)
First up, it's The "TELL ME I Didn't Just Hear That" Award. which goes to...last week's episode of MNF, because I literally couldn't hear any of it over the sound of Chris tapping away at his keyboard about gun control. I hope you and Michael Moore are at least Facebook friends now because of it, dude. *Waits for Chris' acceptance speech, but the music to play him off starts up 3 seconds into it*
Moving on, it's Comeback Of The Year. Which goes to... Papa Shango! A welcome return to action with his e-mails this year. Unfortunately Papa Shango can't be here tonight, but he sent Zombie Cinnamon Gullett in his place to collect it on his behalf...though she appears to have wandered off in search of Tiger Woods to enact her revenge, so...moving on!
Kiss Of The Year. Uhhh...I dunno. I only posted the cover to Guantanamo Gay, I didn't watch the damn thing.
Next is the award that oddly came up only halfway through the categories- Superstar Of The Year
LOL Moment Of The Year- Vacant, as that would imply that any of us actually knew how to tell a good joke. Though as an aside, did anyone else see that one of the WWE Nominations for this was Randy Orton attacking a guy backstage and throwing scalding hot coffee over his defenceless friend, because y'know...he's a face!
Trending Now- More like...Bending Over Now To Take It Up The Butt, Amirite? This overused gag was a handy tool for those of us desperate to get a cheap laugh, without putting any real effort into things. God bless shortcuts!
Newcomer Of The Year- Technically we're all newcomers because this is still the first year of MNF, so...the same guy who won Superstar Of The Year I suppose.
And the final category, Match Of The Year, which was...Myself vs. Dignity when I started this Scottish Samurai bit. Dignity lost...
SPECIAL BONUS CATEGORIES THAT WWE NEVER BOTHERED WITH! ERMERGERD!
Diva Of The Year- James Enright, not just for his hissy fit that sparked the most one-sided feud ever, but also because I've seen the rider he demands for appearing on Wait Till Next Year. Bro, you don't need 4 tanker trucks of Dr. Pepper. The only Dr. Pepper you needs is one that's a cardiologist.
Tag Team Of The Year- Nicole Crawford's BOOOOBIIIES! Never seen them, but every time they're announced is a bright spot on this showm and I'm sure Andy enjoys giving them a hot tag if you know what I mean...because I don't. Of course, if WWE had done a tag team Slammy Award, I'd have given it to Phinneas I. Uso and Henry O. Uso.
Well that about wraps up the awards. Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks to everyone who contributed to a not entirely unbearable first year of MNF. If the world does end, I hope you all have a quick and painless death. If we somehow pull through however, have a great Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or whatever JB King does at this time of year. Though Austin, I would advise you to not get too carried away singing "Fairtyale of New York". I know it's the only karaoke song that lets you get away with calling someone else a word that rhymes with maggot, but take it easy with the enthusiasm. Later,
James Ryan Burrito Pants!
It's me, it's me, no, not DDP, it's me, the Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network who now works both sides of the Monday Night Flaw Plate, James Ryan! I bring the funk, I bring the pain, I bring the funny, and now I bring the Burrito!
A couple things. Happy Holidays to the both of you! Hopefully Santa brings you all the things that were on your list this year and zero pieces of coal in your stocking. LOLZ!
Here's my Christmas card this year, hope you guys like it.
I really can't believe I didn't win last week's Male Bag! Last time I had check, which was the first time I checked, I was actually winning by a couple of votes on Facebook. And then when the results were read, I had actually decreased in votes. Oh drat! And I really wanted to win again. But congrats to the champ, Dustin Faber. I found a really sweet picture of Dustin when he was younger. (Inspect the photo carefully...)
And speaking of champions, congrats to the lovable hockey fans from IHOP. Though, I found a very unflattering poster of Solly and his wild accusations that may actually strip IHOP of the tag titles.
I do love watermelon, but seriously Solly, bro, over the line. #SuperRacist
Now on for some fun. The tag team of Roman Polanski was doomed from the start before it even stepped in the ring. Two emailers who had no previous history of teaming up and with one who just decided to stop emailing his countdown emails altogether. We were destined to win! It was our destiny!!! Sometimes, however, destiny isn't in the cards. So I was left, once again, looking like an asshole for seemingly picking the wrong tag team partner for the 2nd time. So, I ask you this simple question:
James Ryan The Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network
Zombie Cinnamon Gullett
Austin Sanders Did you know "She wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts, She's cheer captain and I am the Dark Lord Satan." Yeah, Cold hard facts.
WELCOME TO THE MALEBAG! Where the points don't matter and, according to Mike Huckabee, neither do the children.
I can't make this a long one this week (Put your penis away Cam) because of reasons. BUT what I CAN give you is this. EVIDENCE. Your new tag team champions, the Shitheads, are skipping around and feeling good about themselves despite the fact they'll die alone one way or another. They are more powerful than The Mega Powers, Macho Man and Hulk Hogan. Faster than the Hardyz, Matt Hardy and Jeff Hardy. More Wild than DX, HHH and HBK. And more destructive than the Brothers of Destruction, James Holmes and Adam Lanza.
But with all of their charisma, one fact remains.Team IHOP are NOT ELIGIBLE to be tag team champions. Let me explain, and if you already left this email because of the Brothers of Destruction joke, congrats. There might be a place in heaven for you. With all of my intense research for this bit, I hacked many of Freds and Hodges personal accounts. These accounts consist of Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat, XXXmooses, Cash4Gold, and WhereBlackPeopleMeet. And what I found was simply astounding. Other than their Facebook pages, I found only one profile pic from both of them. THEY ARE NOT WHO THEY CLAIM TO BE. THEY ARE NOT HUMAN. THEY ARE NOT TAG CHAMPIONS. THEY ARE...
A pile of tires.
Andy: I'm so sorry IHOP. You can no longer be the tag champs.
Fred: Oh geez, why?
Andy:Well....it's just.....you're tires.
Hodge:What do you mean?
Andy: It's exactly what I said. YOU'RE TIRES. And quite frankly.....I don't...I don't even know how we're having this conversation. I don't even know what else to say.
Fred: Come on man, don't do this.
Andy: Number 1. I'm baffled that there are Jewish tires...so...like...that's new. and number 2. I just don't think.....I mean.....tires? really?
Hodge: What if you just forget all about this. Can we be tag champs then?
Andy:uhh....mmmm...No.....nono....I don't think I could forget about you 2 being tires.
Fred: What if-
Andy: I'm just gonna stop you right there. NURSE, I need some help.
Nurse: Help with what.
XOXOXOXOXOXO Merry Christmas! Fuck you Fred.
PS. I wanted to do a Christmas story for this email but couldn't due to time. PPS.I have strong hopes for the stable of AJ, Ziggler and Niggler. PPPS. And with this, the most offensive email to date.
Dustin Faber No asterisks for me!
Greetings MNF! I see that I am now a seven-time champion, and I don't have any asterisks next to my name, unlike some cheating bastards that call themselves "King."
On to the show!
Recently I sat down. I stood up, then sat back down again. DEFIANCE!!! I sit and stand for no man! Oh, I have a wrestling question for you. Which will happen first, a tag-team main event at Wrestlemania, or a women wrestling in the main event at Wrestlemania?
If the fetus you fight to save wrestles for TNA, will you still love it anyways?
I was thinking about the Hobbitt, and how it relates to professional wrestling. It doesn't, but if it did, what wrestler could you see playing a hot, sweaty, naked Kate Upton? Oh, she's not in the movie? Screw that then.
When I was a child, I got braces. When the braces were put on, Bret Hart was your current WWE champion, in the eleventh month of the year of our Lord, 1995. When they were removed, Vince McMahon vacated the WWE title in September 1999. How did my orthodontal work have an effect on the WWE, and did my losing the retainer in the summer of 2001 have any effect on Austin losing the belt to Kurt Angle?
Speaking of Angle, who do you think is going to win the PBA Viper Championship this Sunday at 1 p.m. ET on ESPN? Mika Koivuniemi is two-time player of the year, but look at Mike Fagan's hair! I would pinch my nipples, present company be damned, if i could run my fingers through those glorious locks.
In closing, I have a few other things I'd like to say before I die. Today is the day the Mayans said, "We're gonna diddle you!" Well, they didn't say that SPECIFICALLY, but it was heavily implied. Anyways, it got me thinking about my last wishes. And with it being Christmas in a few days, I have a request.
Andy, I need something from you. I never ask you for anything, and in the spirit of the Holidays, I hope you will grant me this one last request before Chris Alt dies. One of America's greatest minds, DMX, has said many wonderful things. You on the other hand, Mr. Gaston, have said many wonderful things as well, but the importance of them is amplified greatly when you speak as America's most beloved national treasure, Gallagher. So could you please recite these words from DMX as Gallagher. It would mean so much to me, Christopher, and all the children who love MNF.
*Uh, Yeah don't get it twisted This rap shit, is mine Motherfucker, it's not, a fucking, game Fuck what you heard It's what you hearin It's what you hearin (Listen) It's what you hearin (Listen) It's what you hearin (Listen)
[Verse 1] X gon give it to ya Fuck wait for you to get it on your own X gon deliver to ya Knock knock, open up the door, it's real Wit the non-stop, pop pop and stainless steel Go hard gettin busy wit it But I got such a good heart I'll make a motherfucker wonder if he did it Damn right and I'll do it again Cuz I am right so I gots to win Break bread wit the enemy But no matter how many cats I break bread wit I'll break who you sendin me You motherfucker never wanted nothin But your life said, that's for the light day I'm gettin down, down Make it say freeze But won't be the one endin up on his knees (Whoo) Please, If the only thing you cats did is come out to play Stay out my way, motherfucker*
In closing, I want to tell you all Merry Christmas. And compose a riddle for you. What did the blind man say to his dog?
Hey there cockbags. On behalf of the Hardly Boys i would like to sincerely wish the participants in the tag team turmoil triple threat testicle tickling match good luck. And a fuck you to every one else. Hardlys
Austin Sanders Nazi life! this is basic Holocaustics This is ba-basic Holocaustics Word life! "I'm untouchable, but I'm forcin you to feel me" (Calm down Bryan)
The best thing about that subject line is that I wanted to use that joke since my debut to the malebag .And now I'm enjoying the blissful sounds of Chris and Andy no selling the joke like JB King no sells integrity.
ANYWAY! Welcome to the malebag! Where the points don't matter and nether do the votes.
Well I'm alone this week. Fuck. Let me explain. After shooting shooting some B-ball outside my former high school with Cliff, there were some guys. These homely looking mother fuckers were up to no good, as black people usually are. These guys had a reputation for causing some trouble in my neighborhood. Cliff and I finally had it with their jive shit and got in one little fight. And boy let me tell you, after the fight, lets just say our moms would've gotten a little shaken if they saw the fight we endured. I was unharmed thankfully. But Cliff wasn't so lucky. after taking him to the doctors for this bit, they had to preform an emergency arthroscopic knee surgery. So cliff is going to be out for this week. Or Jon is just sick. Sandbagin the bit is good for your brain.
So how will I, the NAA in NAACP, be able to take on a scott and 3 bundles of fags? Well my first thought was to find a new partner. I asked Faber to join the new NAACP, Nazi and a Catholic partnership, but he mysteriously didn't answer me. I asked Tom Roper but I got the same response. Or more like a NON response.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I should just kill myself someday.
No one was willing to take my desperate cry (Calm down Bryan) for a tag partner (Calm down Cam). So I guess I'm going to Kurt Angle this shit and just go after BOTH the tag belts. "I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS" All of a sudden sounds less retarded. (Calm down King)
Oh, you apparently forgot when Angle had all the TNA titles at once in 2007. Might as well ask this question real quick cause I'm sure Andy has a stressful load he can't wait to release. Cause he likes questions. Get it? Fine, GUESS I'LL SANDBAG THIS JOKE TOO. HAPPY?
Anyway, Do you think it would be a good idea to have one person have all the titles in general? (other than any women championship.) and if so, whom should be the guy to should achieve that goal? I feel like Ryback could do so in a legit fashion. Though my idea for him was just to hold on to the intercontinental title for 2 years and literately risk his life just to keep his title for that long. Or maybe Cm Punk could hold all the titles. Idk man, I'm a fucking 19 year old. What do you think?
Oh, BTW. Good job Hodge. You're a 700 year old world champion that's on a show with abysmally less viewers than the WrestlingSoup. Congrats Fag Stick number one, You're a TNA champion. Can't wait till your eventual memorial show. Oh and Fred, what's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler? One killed 6,000,000 Jews and the other one loses 6,000,000 of my braincells every time I hear you on I-CAN-BEARLY-HOP. I'm just assuming your a Fat Fatty Fudgey the Moose.
Well, I guess I'll skip Stu cause he's my nigs from another digs. Ya hear what I'm super sayin dawg?
And jb king. I can't even capitalize your name. Want to know why? And it's not going to be the answer you think it's gonna be. As you know, I'm a one time world champion. Some people like Andy Darsh and Chris Bane think I'm a one hit wonder. You see King I'm not mad that you cheated in general. I'm mad that this one time champion SHOULD have been a 3 time champ. I was looking at punshouse for proof....But some crasin cookie eating ding dong dosn't put up the results from voting (Angerly stares at Andy while playing with the roll of quarters in my pocket)
So what am I gonna do....I'm taking on 4 dudes. (calm down running gag). And no one to back me up.......WAIT I GOT IT!
I'M GONNA RAP!
(The blue sky turns red do to the sun reflecting blood off of all of those who killed themselves)
Well.....guess I win. Nothing left to do now.
Show......off (A twister of blood appears for angering the God of awkward catchphrases.)
Now THIS I can go total beef mode on my dick to. Join in next time when I fuck a giraffe. What's better than bestiality and incest? Both at the same time of course!
Ps. God, Hitler is so good at this game....
Michael Hodge Sextuple Threat Action
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room, where we find Solly and Hodgey admiring Hodgey's shiny new MNF Heavyweight Championship belt...
Solly: Needs more chimps.
Hodgey: I thought we agreed not to bring up old OOWF jokes.
Solly: My bad. So, triple threat?
Hodgey: Sextuple threat. Six participants. Thoughts?
Solly: Well, you already beat Stu in the King of the Ring, right?
Solly: And JB King's unvote-for-able at this point, right?
Solly: Okay, so that's the Kings of Scotland taken care of. Who's the other team?
Hodgey: The NAACP.
Solly: Wait, the group BVA's in? I thought he lost already.
Hodgey: No, that's NAMBLA. This is Nazi And A...Coloured Person?
Solly: Noob And A Cliff Psnotes?
Hodgey: Nate's Aorta Aching from Clogging Particles?
Solly: Naked Ape And Cam, Perhaps?
Hodgey: Fuck it. I can't remember what is stands for. Let's just go after them.
Solly: Austin Sanders? The best thing about you is hearing Brian VanAlstyne trying to say your name.
Hodgey: Good start. Anything else?
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like Cliff Snores. And that comes from someone who's recorded 40 shows with Nate Corbitt. Sorry Cliff but I can't turn my back against the Canadian Content, the best co-host of the best non-hockey hockey podcast on the Flawedcast Network, not to mention the goddamn King of the Ring.
Hodgey: Tell it, brother.
Solly: And now we're going to add tag team gold to Hodgey's King of the Ring and Heavyweight title.
Hodgey: Damn straight. JB King? I'm guessing the JB stands for Just Busted. I feel bad for Stu Little Chance of Succeeding with You as His Partner. Austin Sanders? More like Ample Suckage. Jon Drouin? More like...Jon's...Droolin. Fuck. Quit being so goddamn likeable.
Solly: Here's the deal: This is IHOP's tournament. These are IHOP's titles. If you guys didn't no-show this week, you should have. You have as much chance of winning this thing as Lindsay Lohan has of successfully navigating a DeLorean through time without completely fucking up the timestream.
Hodgey: Hell, she'd be lucky to figure out how to open those funky-ass doors, much less get up to 88 mph without crashing.
Solly: She drinks almost as much as you do, eh?
Hodgey: Fuck off, eh?
King Stu The retarded something or other adventures of King Part two featuring Dr. Who gives a shit (aka Stu)
Written by Stu and King. Enjoy this gigantic novel of suck.
PREVIOUSLY ON MONDAY NIGHT FLAW’S MALE BAG
I created a time paradox!
Ok, calm down, maybe nothing bad will happen.
Maybe everything will be ok.
Wait, why are my hands disappearing?
Why do I feel funny...
And now! PART 2!
I (JB king) continue to fade into nothingness, but so does the surrounding area in a growing field of effect! Stu exclaims, “You idiot! You're not just erasing yourself from history, but history itself!” All hope seemed lost, when suddenly Shadow Dustin Faber appears and Brogue Kicks the Time Keeper. Soon afterwards a second Delorean flies over everyone. Just then Stu screamed out, “Goddamnit Dustin, this is why you don’t Brogue kick the time lo-…keeper! It fucks up the timeline and makes history repeat itself!”
Sure enough, that’s what happened. The Delorean missed me by mere inches thanks to Dustin. It looks like I was ok, Praise be to Allah-er I mean thank God for that. When asked why Dustin came in to help he simply stated that nobody destroys the space time continuum but him! He was not going let my despicable acts overshadow HIS despicable acts...though I don't know how he going to top trying to rig a podcast poll...I’m such a heinous fuck. “How could you?!?” Dustin said. “I don’t even know what to believe in anymore. I’m losing my faith!” I figured it was about time honestly. I mean, that’s what normally happens when most 3rd graders learn about Evolution in science class. So I sarcastically welcomed Dustin to the 21st century. Upset, he quickly threw a smoke bomb to the ground and disappeared. So even though he was my original partner, Dustin still wanted nothing to do with me and showed up once just so it wouldn’t mess with his lifestyle. I wasn’t sure if Dustin was pretending to be Batman or a black kid’s father (calm down Dennis).
Stu aka Dr. Who gives-a-fuck later came up to me saying there was no time for small talk, for we have a tournament to win. And we're not just facing one team in the final, but two! Poor Stu, I don’t think he realizes how many times Chris and Andy might sandbag the fuck out of this bit, especially THIS week. Stu was concerned with our PR problems as well. PR problem? But I don't even know any Puerto Ricans. I dealt some Afghan Kush to a Mexican Cartel, but I made sure my partner on that, Lucky Lopez, took the fall. Any who, Stu started shaking his fists in anger at me explaining he meant Public Relations, not Puerto Ricans.
I said to Stu, “Oh right, my bad. I had no clue that wasn’t allowed. I mean, it’s clearly stated to vote TWICE. By the way, how is cheating new? Your old partner Jon boy has done this before. If anything, I was just following in his footsteps. Did he not cheat? Did BVA not cheat on every OO board poll for years on end? Does Dustin Faber not cheat women at having a second chance when he raids those Planned Parenthood offices? Did Adam Dan not cheat death as well? Did Andy not cheat God when he took his ex to that abor- (gets mouth cupped by Stu)
“Whoa! Calm down sand sucker!” he said. I quickly apologized and we decided to head towards the Delorean only to be stopped by my future self. Man, future me from 3 hours ago really let itself go. I looked terrible. Future self gave me the warning to not time travel anymore and that it was dangerous. Then I thought, why the hell should I listen to this asshole? He is a illiterate retard who looks like a Alga-Zero version of Jimmy Kimmel. Plus he’s from the future, so he must be old and senile too. I quickly kicked ‘other me’ in his beautiful, well-shaped, 12 inch, clean shaven nether reigi-dsfasdsad … Sorry, Stu just smacked me in the back of the head. Future me didn’t understand how he didn’t see that coming. It was because we're going by LOOPER time travel rules now bitch! Sorry Chris, you’ll have to watch the movie to get it. Anyway, we took the Delorean and were heading off!
As Stu was looking for his Beta-Max, he opened the glove compartment and found a book. It was "Gray's Sports Almanac"...hmmm that'll be useful come Superbowl time. Anyway, first stop...Solly's Bris!
*Back to the Future theme as the Delorean flies off*
It looks like we made it to a Synagogue in the 1970s, lots of people whispering “Ohhh Gawd” and “Oh geeez” in the background. Just as I step out of the car, the various guests attending the ceremony start pelting me with stones. What the hell did I do wrong? Then I remember I’m brown. Oh, right...that thing...in Palestine. Whoops. We quickly ran back to the car. Well that was a bust. Too bad I was going to heckle the Rabbi during the circumcision. A botched cut with us yelling out “You can’t scissor (clap clap clap clap clap)” would have been awesome. Oh well, we can still use that joke on Lindsey Lohan as a bad lesbo joke.
Anyway, we dialed the clock forward on the dash 30 years later. The Delorean emerged at the same location, where this time, a Jewish girl has just completed her Bat Mitzvah. The rabbi had said that this little girl was a woman in the eyes of God...if not the law. As soon as he said that I heard a crashing sound. It was BVA in the corner of the room smashing trays and screaming the F word after hearing Laura wasn’t a little girl anymore. To cheer him up I handed him a copy of the Koran. I told him you might like the Muslim afterlife. 70 something virgins are just as tight as children...or so I’ve heard?
BVA said, “Thounds pwomising. But what about being widiculed and perficuted? I soon realized he meant ridiculed and persecuted. I said “Listen Tyson mouth, you are going to be made fun of due to God’s sense of humor by making you a moosh mouth, so just ‘wun’ with it.” So Solly was a dud. So to cheer each other up we went to Chris’ house on December 5th 2012. We we’re sending fake Santa letters to his daughter saying she would get a tablet for Christmas. Chris is such a great dad, either that or this is his way of dismissing any guilt from the horrible things he said on haters guide in front of her just last week. Tsk tsk potty mouth.
Here we are, Ohio, 2011. I figure we can mess with Austin for a little bit now that he’s about to turn 18. Tell you what you go ahead and let Stu take the lead on the keyboard. I’m going to kick back for a bit. I trust him. It’s not like he is gunna misspel all my werds and syntax to make me look lik an asshole. Thanx Stoo ur ahhsum.
Tanks Kang, well et looks lyke wear off ta see Austen an-
(Gets smacked in the head by JB KING)
Oh sorry, no more accent then. We tracked down Austin, and acted all starstruck, saying "Hey, you're that creepy kid from 'We Need To Talk About Kevin', aren't you"?
No matter how much Austin denied it, we kept hounding him until he ran screaming from us, but he wasn't looking where he was going and ran straight into The Blue Oyster Bar
Last we saw him, he was cornered by a native american, a cop, a construction worker, a cowboy and a biker, the latter of whom said "This is happening. This is happening...and there's nothing you can do about it.".
JB: Hey Stu maybe we should go back in time and mess with Jon Drouin right before he has his mental breakdown.
Stu: Fuck that guy. He is far too boring to write out an entire scene for. And we just did one for Solly for christsakes. Let’s just do a quick joke for that vanilla stain. Hey King, did you know if you rearrange the letters in Cliff Snotes, you get Stiff Clones and Clefts of Sin? I think we all know what those alternate personalities get up to when they're all together.
That just left Hodgey, and we had a real problem. That guy was just too nice to say anything about and the Canadian thing was played out. Though being a nerd, Stu hit on a brilliant idea. We travelled back to early summer 2011 and found Hodgey waiting in line to see "Thor".
JB: I thought you people had flapping heads and square hands?
Stu: Hey, Hodgey.
Hodgey: Stu? Stu? Is that really you, eh? What are you doing aboot these parts?
Stu: Well I'll tell you...
*cut to JB holding Hodgey down on the ground as Stu punches him in the face. Hodgey's in tears, but not from the beating*
Stu: -so then Thor has to smash the Rainbow Bridge, cutting him off from Earth, and Loki apparently falls to his death, but after the credits it turns out he's alive and interested in the Tesseract, which means he's the villain for The Avengers...
*some time later*
Stu: -and then after the Thanos reveal, there's like a minute of them all sitting in silence eating Shawarma. It's pretty funny. It's certainly more entertaining than HOCKEY.
JB: Yeah, give me a good game of Buzkashi any time.
JB: You know, from Rambo 3? It's like Polo, only you knock a goat's head around instead of a ball?
We left Hodgey curled up in the foetal position after ruining two of his most anticipated movies, and decided to go back to 2012 to celebrate. Unfortunately, there was a glitch and we ended up in 1912, somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, right in the path of the Titanic, which had to swerve to avoid us, running right into an iceberg. Our bad.
We decided the best thing to do would be to help with the evacuations and encountered a nice pregnant lady called Mrs. Eleanor Capps. She thanked us for her assistance, but told us that she thought the stress was going to cause little Alan to come prematurely. Wouldn't you know it, her water broke, but before we could get a chance to help with the labor, her husband arrived, waving a gun at us, saying he wasn't going to let a drunken Scotsman and a dirty Persian touch his firstborn child. We barely made it out and back...to the future.
Stu: Well, that was certainly some trip, JB. Dare I say, an Excellent Adventure?
JB: I have to admit, it was fun. And I’m glad this awful bit is over. Put it there, partner.
*Stu and JB Shake hands, which triggers a blinding blue light from them both, before finding themselves in 1986, occupying the bodies of two nuclear technicians at Chernobyl, holding a new born baby with the name tag "A. Dan". An alarm goes off*
Stu and JB: Uh-oh.
This episode is dedicated in loving memory of Stu’s credibility.
Dustin Hawes Thank you and fuck you all!
Ladies and gentleman. Boys and girls. It's my pleasure to introduce to you THE TAAAAAAAG TEAM CHAMPIOOOOOOONS OF THE MONDAY NIGHT FLAW MALE BAAAAAAAG! The dick head Dustin Hawes. The shit ass Spence Hopkins! The NEW AGE HARDLY'S!
-Spence-And if you're not down with that we've got 13 words for ya! Send in better emails and try to follow the fucking rules, shit cocks!
-Dustin-Who has been kicked under the bed and forgotten on the male bag? Who has seen the bright lights turn into night lights, only to have the Lite Brite from my childhood broken in half? Who has given moderate amounts of effort and received a..... Lesser amount of recognition for the emails i have thrown to the Flawedcast community? Who are the only two emailers worthy to be in the presence of God himself. (Get it..... Salt Lake City...... Mormons.) Who is the only tag team to shit gold in a shit storm of e mails. Who was THE ONLY TAG TEAM to realize that the Male Bag is not WCW and Andy Gaston is NOT Vince Russo? When are you dung nuts going to realize that if you keep trying to swerve the audience, eventually you may end up Ryan Dunning yourself. But maybe let us do it first......
The Druins........ Plural. Do you really think you are the only guy with multiple personalities on the male bag? Really..... Really..... Really? Personalities are like Subway restaurants. Ya, you can have about a million of them in any given place. However, that's a lot of high school students with jobs that don't know how to cook the fucking bread. Then you have a lot of customers with terrible 5 dollar footlongs. Furthermore, with all the young bucks crafting these sandwiches...... A couple of them are bound to be retarded....... I'm just saying... if i order turkey and end up with tuna..... I am going to fucking flip my shit. So, where the fuck is my sandwich Jon?
Stu Little Ah yes, Scotland People Magazine's sexiest person. That's like being the most likely person to make it into the porn industry at the Arkansas state fair's longest funnel cake line. Nobody fuckin wins. Stu, I occasionally enjoy and even somewhat respect your emails. However, if i wanted to hear another shitty recap of raw every week, i am sure there are literally dozens of shitty podcasts i can find on the stitcher app. *wink wink* Look Stu, i don't know what your arrangement is with Chris and how often we all have to hear about how great you are and how nice your balls feel in his mouth. I for one could care less about the feel of your scrotum. I get it, Chris loves the feel of hair in his mouth as long as it is Scottish. Look man, i have a Scottish terrier and her hair gets fucking everywhere. So if "Scotland People" are anything like these terriers, then i feel sorry when Chris has to pick the hair out if his teeth, ball hair no less. Fuck Scotland people unless it's Gordan Ramsay and he's cooking me a steak. (serious question..... Is Gordan Ramsay just an old as shit looking version of Chris Jericho? Think about it.)
I normally like this man's emails. But, dear god, to cheat at emails? Jesus christ, that's like putting makeup on a pig before sending it to the slaughterhouse. It's like going to Wal Mart for any fucking reason. It's like keeping an Ultimate Warrior gimmick going 2 months too long. It's like spending 350 dollars on a Wii U. It's like being an Oakland Raides fan.#Lolz It's like never learning how to click spell check. It's like murdering your girlfriend and then ACCIDENTALLY murdering yourself. It's like setting someone up on a blind date with Cliff Snotes. It's like listening to Wait Till Next Year on flawedcast.net. It's like getting caught BEFORE you shoot up a movie theater full of Twighlight fans. It's like taking mescaline and driving a unicycle down the fucking interstate. It's like trying to decipher Taylor Swift lyrics. It's like trying to give Ryback grapefruit for breakfast. It's like making sure you set the dvr every week to record impact wrestling. It's like not fully understanding what the fuck i am trying to say. It's fucking incompetent. Also, sorry King, but you left the keys for your Delorean in the ignition. I stole it. More details will be coming in the next few weeks.
No real beef with you, but i will say this..... Fuck you Tom Cruise. Fuck you Justin Beiber. Fuck you Randy Orton. Fuck you David Spade. Fuck you Andy Dick. Fuck you Jerry Sandusky. Fuck you Cam Gullett. Fuck you Roger Moore. Fuck you Soulja Boi. Fuck you Alex Rodriguez. Fuck you SEC. If you haven't noticed by now. I am trying to say Fuck You Faggot. Trademark?.....
Cam Gullett Um um um um come at me bro.
Solly Long live Jesus! And hockey. #lolz
Listen fuckers. The tag champs are here. Cam's queer. Get used to it. It went down. It went down and there's no medication you can take to get it it to come up again. *copyright*
Hardly Boys..... Hardly giving up the titles until 2027.
I attempted to contact my partner, Austin Sanders, to collaborate on the kickassest of e-mails with which to thwart our enemies. Alas, my quert as to his input on the matter was met with "No clue...mmmm. Idk...".
Therefore, I'm going to hope like hell he writes something that allows me to tag him in once I'm done here.
Cam Gullett, the Ginger Ass-in. You need some new intro music, my friend. Might I suggest Led Zeppelin's "Whenever the Levee Breaks"? Or maybe "Whenever the Shit Goes Down" by Cypress Hill? I uh can't um decide uh which um is uh better um right uh now. I'll let you know whenever I do.
Adam Dan. Let's do this like your show. The last part of my e-mail didn't have a theme, so this part will. The theme: You have terrible taste in music. End of theme.
The Cam Dan Connection? More like the Cummed-on Connection.
Cam and Adam? More like cum in Adam.
At this point, I'll return to my corner and tag in my partner, the venerable Austin Sanders.
Have fun. Play safe.
Cliff Snotes Cryin' Brian and Ryan
FRED AND CLIFF SNOTES!!!
Andy and Chris,
Happy Thanksgiving from Team Fred. Doesn’t it just sound good to say that out loud? Team Fred .
It certainly sounds much better than Team Roman Polanski . James, I certainly outflanked you on this one. I went out and recruited Fred Solomon to be my partner. I’m looking forward to eight nights of gifts from Fred as a sign of friendship and appreciation. But you? Get ready for BVA imitating a housecat trying to impress it’s owners. Enjoy those used Elmo backpacks, grass-stained sweatshirts, and bloody socks.
And James – what happened the last time you tried to team up with someone? You partnered with JB King. I think it’s time to retroactively give a team name to the very first tag team email on the Male Bag. It was two big stars providing an epic failure that just went on and on…. It was Team Ishtar!
I can’t be the only one looking out for your career. First you associate with the racist JB King, and now you’re battling against Fred Solomon. Have you thought about how the Jewish Mafia will view your behavior?
Oh, hang on a second James.
You See Chris, the Jewish Mafia is a term that refers to all of the Jewish Studio Heads, Casting Directors, Agents, and Accountants that run Hollywood. And Steven Spielberg.
Alright James, this is your chance. Just walk away from this tag team match, and I’m sure the Chosen People in Hollywood will remember this. And I’m sure this partnership with BVA won’t come back to haunt you.
Andy, Fred pointed something out, and you can make this happen. He would love to hear Brian and James do a podcast together. There's nothing the world needs more than a show hosted by a drunk and a pedophile. As that's probably doing everyone a favor by keeping drunks off our roads and grown men out of undeveloped vaginas.
Fred was also useful this week, as he had some of his Jewish interns do some research for us. So let’s go back to the well once more before this bit jumps the shark. Clearly, rearranging the letters in your name produces a glimpse into your true character. Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in “The Golden Voice”, you get “Enticed Hog Love”?
But that’s just the start.
Even worse, is some of the results that you get if you rearrange the letters in “Roman Polanski”. Please take your time to savor and enjoy each one.
I moon rank pals
Milk’n a Soprano
Lo! Spank a minor!
I spank la moron
Oral pains monk
And my personal favorite, " Iron-Man Polkas"
But this doesn’t even compare to DevilSoprano. Apologies in advance, guys. I need a shower after reading this list.
Rearranging the letters in DevilSoprano gets:
Vino Ropes Lad
Prison Love Ad
Sad Evil Porno
A Pelvis Donor
Avoids El Porn
No Rapid Loves
Paid Son Lover
Ole Porn Divas
Porn Love Aids
Poor Lad Veins
Loved A Prison
Pro Vein Loads
Load Over Nips
Chris and Andy, I'm sorry you had to endure that list. As a gift to you, I won’t even share the list that goes with rearranging the letters in “Brian V. Anal Styne.”
A few other thoughts…
Miz as a face. Really? Really? That’s about as believable as Brian as a trusted Cub Scout leader.
Did anyone notice that CM Punk has been using JB King Math? While it was the one year anniversary of his title run, it was 366 days, not 365. 2012 is a leap year.
Also, why are you letting JB King get away with entering this tag team tournament without a partner? He’s at his best when it’s just JB and his laptop, and nobody else contributing. I think you should force him to work with a partner, instead of all these solo workouts that he’s used to.
Team Fred Out.
P.S. Just to be fair, the letters in “Cliff Snotes” can rearrange into “Stiff Clones”
P.P.S. Also “Team Fred” rearranges, appropriately enough, into “Me Farted.”
Stu Little The Rise of Little Jon
Just off the bat, I'm going to say I'm not getting anything with JB King this week. I never wanted a feud and I'm too occupied with this tag team shit to be bothered. So King, knock yourself. Post your photoshopped "28 Year Old Virgin" movie poster, or whatever you're going to do. My dance card's full enough.
I can't believe Kane's "I lurk in basements and scare children regardless" comment from SmackDown last week hasn't become more of a thing, especially round here. Are we just too loyal to BVA having that gimmick or what?
I thought Survivor Series was pretty solid to good, especially with the main event's ending. I expected Punk to pull out a win, if they HAD to have Ryback win the title, I figured it would be better by having him pin Cena. Punk has been portrayed as a chickenshit who's only still champion due to sneakiness, so what would Ryback prove by defeating him? Beating Cena clean would have given him more of a push, while also allowing Punk to make the case that he's still Best In The World because he was never defeated for the title. Everybody wins. But I am happy with the trio of The Uncanny NXT-Men showing up and attacking him, not least of all because we got our first extended Ryback promo and it wasn't too bad. However, for god's sake, can we drop the food puns already? Nobody "stole food out of a starving man's mouth" Ryback. You're not ethiopian, you're not Oliver Twist, you don't look malnourished whatsoever. And "you and your 3 men are my prey" just sounded very rapey.
Did you guys notice when they did the splitscreen of Kofi and Barrett walking through the backstage area, Kofi was looking to his left as if he could see Barrett? Intentional or not, they should do that more.
We also got AJ bursting into the men's locker room, which resulted in someone reacting with the bawdy language of "Shoo!". Thankfully nobody went so far as to say "Gosh Darn!". Dolph aslo verbally devastated AJ by deconstructing her personality so astutely. I guess that's the sort of insight into the female mind you get from being a former cheerleader.
Now onto business, the tag team championship tournament. Team Little Jon is ready, and there's only one theme a team like that can have, so HIT. OUR. MUSIC!
*"Everything I Do, I Do For You" by Bryan Adams"*
(Andy play the part of Stu(accent optional), Chris, take Jon)
Jon: I still think we should have went with "Men In Tights".
Stu: You need to stop thinking like you're still Cam Gullett's partner. And besides, with Bryan Adams, we've got the Canadian vote locked!
Jon: Shouldn't we be targeting the Americans since there's way more of them?
Stu: I'd love to, but there's no Robin Hood related songs written by Lit.
Stu: LIT!! Anyway, if I'm going to be stuck with you as my partner, I'm going to call the shots. I do carry a lot more prestige than you.
Jon: I don't know about that...
Stu: My record speaks for itself. Besides, I'm definitely a trade up. You know what the difference is between Cam Gullett and Superstorm Sandy?
Jon: No, what?
Stu: One's a big pain in the ass with a girl's name that will suck you off at a moment's notice-
Jon: And the other's Superstorm Sandy?
Stu: No, the other's an annoying ginger fuckface from Arkansas. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE PUNCHLINE, I CHANGE THE JOKE! I came here to win this tournament and eat shortbread, and I'm all out of shortbread. I guess Nate Corbitt needs to bake up another batch. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
Jon: You really think we can go all the way in the tournament?
Stu: Anything can happen, even me getting laid. But we have to focus on our first opponents...The Hardly Boys. And what a team they are.
Dustin, at last we meet in proper battle. I've been calling you out for weeks now, and you've been long absent. But finally, The Scottish Samurai and the Catholic Curbstomper will clash!
Jon: Um, that's not Faber.
Jon: That's Dustin HAWES.
Jon: You know, the guy feuding with Spence Hopkins for some unexplained reason?
Stu: Oh. Well...what else do we know about him?
Jon: I dunno...he's from Utah?
Stu: Nah, that's no good. I think people are sick of Mormon jokes by now...um, fuck it, onto Spence! The Ryback of Monday Night Flaw. You've certainly had an impressive rise, becoming a world champion in a relatively short amount of time. But your facing the first, longest reigning and most title winning World Champion of this network. I'm the Ric Flair of this dump, and not just because I'm just shy of being destitute! Now let me put this into terms you understand:
WARRIORS! I HAVE COME TO YOUR FROM THE DENSE DARK FOREST SITUATED IN THE NETHER REALM BETWEEN AJ LEE'S THIGHS! I HAVE BATTLED ITS MANY HORRORS AND SEEN IT'S WONDERS! SUCH AS THE MUTATED TOFU PARASITES THAT EMIGRATED FROM DANIEL BRYAN'S BEARD! HUSTLE LOYALTY AND RESPECT ARE DUE TO ME, FOR MY JOURNEY THERE WAS TO RETRIEVE EXCESS ESSENCE OF CENA, AND I SUCCEEDED, AND NOW THE INFINITE POWER OF THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION IS MINE TO BE UNLEASHED! GO FUCK YOURSELF ADAM DAN, AS YOUR WISH FOR UNRESTRICTED INTERNET ACCESS IS DENIED! EAT A BAG OF DICKS, DEVSOP! THE AGE OF CONSENT WILL NOT BE LOWERED, BUT IN FACT, INCREASED TO 35! CHRIS ALT, BUFFALO WILD WINGS WILL NOT BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY! I AM THE ALPHA! I AM THE OMEGA! I AM THE THETA PI! I AM THE PECAN PIE! I WISH FOR ALL OTHER TEAMS TO FALL IN THIS TOURNAMENT, AND FOR MY RISE TO BE UNSTOPPABLE, UNLIKE JB KING GOING THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY! AUSTRIAN M&M CONCRETE DAIQUIRI UMBRELLA BICYCLE PUMP! GAAAAAHRHHRRGGGGHHHAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*Stu tags in Jon*
*Jon tags out*
Stu: I think we've made our point.
Stu and (technically) Jon
Dustin Hawes Hardly
What up other douchebag tag teams? The Hardly Boys here..... Hardly keeping your attention, hardly keeping you hard, and hardly caring about the tag team tournament. Do we think we stand a chance..... Not HARDLY........ Hey, do you guys? Do you guys get it? Hardly.... Fuck it whatever. That joke was hardly even worth putting in this shit email anyways.
So, which versions of Roseanne Druin are we up against this week? Here's the thing, I'm actually kind of happy for Jon. With this tag tournament, he has half as many emails to write. Furthermore, since I and every other damned emailer are also versions of a Druin, his chances of taking this tournament straight to the bank are incredibly high. So, in the event of a Jon Druin vs Jon Druin final match..... Good luck to James Ryan.
Jon Druin has more personalities than Adele has hiding places for her stockpile of Hostess goods. Jon Druin is more schizophrenic than an Insane Clown Posse concert. Jon Druin keeps more driver's licenses than Jim Enright keeps chins. I can only imagine Jon's face every damn time he checks his recently played list on Netflix. #mindblown
Hot tag to Spence
WARRIORS! Ha ha just kidding you fuckers. The Warrior is still as dead as Jon Druin Truth's Little Jimmy act. Seriously though, how many personalities does it take to send in 13 emails? The answer..... An equal amount to the number of hairs on the Alter Boy's dome. Which, by Andy Gaston's calculator watch calculations...... Is 17.
Whatevs, The Hardly Boys......... Hardly shopping at Kroger since 1985
P.S. Calculator watches are a common trait with the Wolf Shirt community.
JB King fuck...
Hello again to Team Sandbag.
Well, it looks like I am on my own this week. No, I have nothing up my sleeve. Seriously. Dustin Faber literally decided to no show. Why you ask? I’m sure he had his reasons. Personally I hope his Thanksgiving was so depressing he ended up breaking his strait edge life style by drinking, driving, and losing in a game of chicken with a large oak tree. I asked him kindly this whole week to help. But because I’m a sandnigger (this month) he wants nothing to do with starting a holy war. Well too bad. We could have had some hilarious back and forth action together. Or even an awesome name! Retarded Devotion? Team frien- hold on… I before E…ahhh fuck it Team Hell No. Hell, I was seriously considering doing a time travel episode with him to go against Future Andy Gaston. C’mon Dustin, a back to the future bit with you and I? I can literally hear Chris Alt getting a Back to the Future boner over that. By the way, a Back to the Future boner means your erection shakes uncontrollably whenever Michael J Fox says “Hey Doc”. I bought a fucking DeLorean Dustin, do you understand how funny this shit could have been? But now none of us get to listen to it. Thanks a bunch you jerk.
But I suppose there is some good news, it looks like I am a double champion again. Can’t wait for Cam to take a shot at me about how my spelling is as bad as his stuttering. JB KING writes as bad as Cam talks on a podcast. Hey look I just retained the IC title with that one! I love how the guy that insults me for ignoring the occasional apostrophe has the ability to end a sentence in 9 prepositions. I tried the ‘Cam Umming’ drinking game during the podcast, I’ll send you guys the ambulance bill later, my liver is pissed. Anyway, good luck to team Gay-tor. I was going to call it CAM-DAN but that just sounds like a spin off name for a dental dam. Oh sorry Stu maybe I should explain what that means. You see Stu, a dental dam is basically a piece of a trash bag you place over a woman’s box in order to avoid STDs. It’s also fun to twist on the pull out, you can make your penis look like a poorly wrapped twinkie. Yeah, trying eating hostess now James Enright.
And another note Mr. Celibate Samurai, I don’t hate you for being a virgin. You can mock me with the title “The Mooley Man-slut” and call it even. But don’t try and cover up the pink bachelor pad. Breast Cancer awareness my ass. We all know you painted those walls like that as a metaphor. Because that is the closest you will ever get to being inside pink vaginal walls. Speaking of silly Scotsmen, did Drew McIntyre reveal the secret that all Scottish people shower with hats on? Christ I hope not. Anyway good luck to you and your partner, who pretty much gets a bye week in 2 different match ups.
Onto the wrestling. It looks like Andy, Chris and Poochie pretty much covered all the good points (and jokes) on wrestling this week but I feel I should clarify a few things.
First is the whole R-Truth vs Antonio Cesaro feud. I understand Chris hates black people like Dennis “The Tugboat” Williams but that’s no reason to not give the feud a shot. And by the way, Dennis if you are listening, don’t hate them for using the word Bro. Like Cam said, a bro hating the word bro is just wrong. White people gave you your own word… let them use there’s. Now where was I, oh yeah. Chris, WWE just got done explaining Antonio is challenging Americans because he feels no one born in the United States can beat him. And yet you keep insisting on him fighting either Tyson Kidd or Justin Gabriel, well you see Chris… Justin Gabriel is from South Africa and Tyson Kidd is Canadian. They were not born in the United States. Then again, I’m pretty sure Arkansas would still start a USA chant if these three had a triple threat. The more you know.
(The more you know chime)
R-truth and Cesaro? Who doesn’t like Swiss-Chocolate? EH? Eh…ah fuck you I tried.
Speaking of treats, Pumpkin pie! Love that shit. Even more with a dollop of coolwhip. Chris hates dark orange looking pie, could this explain why Chris hates Eve Torres too? I think so. Although I will admit she is going overboard with the botox when she fought Sonya Blade on Sunday. HA! I knew I could fit a Mortal Kombat joke in there! But someone needs to tell Eve she’s hot before she ends up looking like Jillian Hall. Your 27 for godssakes you don’t need botox, pumping your face full of fat to even out your man jaw and disturbingly large Gary Busey like veneers is not helping AT ALL. Her teeth remind me of that time Bart stole Grandpa Simpson’s dentures.
But it could be worse and she could look like everyone’s favorite transvestite Bam Bam Tamina. Seriously guys, I’ve met her in person, and Wendy Williams is just the nicest big boned bitch in the world.
Hey guys do you guys want more Simpson’s humor? Ok here you go.
On the subject of Ryback and the NXT 3, I understand the NXT guys had to come out to all black to look like security guards but poor Dean Ambrose does not look good in a black turtle neck. He looked like a pissed off Jazz musician. In any case, I have no real point to any of this outside of this wonderful pic of Manu Jr. tossing Ryback’s salad.
Feed him more indeed! Calm down Cam.
Well it looks like this it. I looks like I’m going to end up going against the New AIDS Outlaws. I smell treachery a foot. Or maybe that is Demko’s gimp suit. Who knows. Anyway I’m going to the future to fight team ginger lisp in this DeLorean the only way I know how.
(((back to the future theme)))
Meth! Lots and lots of meth! Because Adam Dan told me if you take enough you learn the ability to time travel! I am going to BACK! TO THE FUTURE!…even thought this is my first time (calm down Stu). May the retarded time traveling adventures of JB KING commence! WOOOOOO! Off to 2017 I go! And remember gang, the Future is what you make it!
Check out Monday Night Flaw 46 with guest host "Beer Baron" James Ryan and Male Bag 29: Pieces of Flair then come back here and VOTE, VOTE, VOTE!!!
Adam Dan Adam & Cam's Team
I'll let the image speak for itself.
Hossein Khosrow Ali Vaziri
JB King, the real or the really retarded faggot who Hulk Hogan fucks in ass?
Austin Sanders, worse than the fuckface Ultimate Warrior's drizzling shits
Who Sheikie baby humble next?
Fred Solomon the good Jew.
Tim Tebow the fuckface faggot cock.
Stu Little not the good mouse.
Sheikie baby MVP men's wharehouse.
Someone tell Sheikie baby if Dustin Faber jabroni or the not.
Spence Hopkins is the friend to fuckface douchequeer Ultimate Warrior. I hope the dead faggot soon.
Cam Gullett the sparkly Twilight Vampire? he the worse than Elmo kid fucker.
Sheikie baby real triple crown Cliff Snotes real triple piece of shit.
Andy Gaston the real terminator.
Chris Alt the real John Connor.
I hope they both get fucked by biggest black dick.
You have all been humbled by the real one Sheikie baby now get the full respect x100.
Stu Little Topical Political Satire
Little Jon. There. Team name. Since you're so insistent on doing this tournament that clearly nobody gave a crap about. Dammit Chris, just because your best friend Cam loves having things shoved down his throat doesn't mean the rest of us do too.
Andy, did I hear you right last week when you said your position as leader of the Flawedcast network was established when the listeners voted you into office? When are the elections actually held? Because I was thinking maybe when your two terms are up the audience could us a Stuhrer instead of Der Fuhrer. I'd appreciate your endorsement when the time comes.
A few thoughts on WWE this week:
When Ziggler came out to participate in the whole fraternisation thing and said "The Truth cannot be denied", was I the only one hoping that AJ would turn out to actually be having a fling with not just R-Truth, but Little Jimmy, since only crazy people can appear to see him? Not to mention, imaginary people aren't constrained by the shrubbery block access down there.
Did you catch Foley saying that he was disappointed by the Survivor Series match changing because he was looking forward to being on a team that was going to teach Punk a lesson? Yeah, teach Punk a lesson by not actually being in the match and standing at the corner. That'll show him.
Goodbye Brad Maddox. Hopefully you'll go back to where you belong with a name like that- syndicated 1980s television. Doesn't "Brad Maddox" sound the name of a character you'd expect to find in something like Airwolf?
I know Lawler must have been nervous on his first night back, but did he really have to say Flo Rida and Kid Rock's participation in Tribute To The Troops was "in the grand tradition of Bob Hope"? And they say Punk's heart attack jokes were disrespectful.
But enough of that. On to my esteemed colleague and new World Champion, JB King. Congratulations Johnny. Truly. You were the better man this week, but I still have a few things to address: -taking a shot at the pink walls. Oh, so you think breast cancer awareness is something to be mocked, huh? That's right, I was leveraging my considerable profile for partnership with the Susan G. Komen Foundation. It's just that unlike WWE, I didn't feel the need to advertise it every 5 minutes. I hope you're proud of yourself. -What have you got against virgins anyway? Aren't you going to get 72 of them when you die...again? Or did you already try them out the last time and realise the conceptual flaw of having sex with women who've never done it before as a reward? Being able to paint my privates red 72 times in a row is not much of an incentive for me to live a faithfull life. -I don't think I've ever seen this magazine on the racks. At least Scotland People Magazine is a CREDIBLE publication. Tell 'em, Chris. -Finally, it's odd to me you'd mock people resorting to masturbation so much, when you're the guy who's probably done more promotional work for Brazzers than anyone else. I guess it beats how they used to employ you:
Actually, maybe I shouldn't have brought that up. I understand it's still a sore sport for James Ryan that Cam has had a much more successful acting career than him. He may be "The Hollywood Fagoot", but he just couldn't hack gay for pay.
And on that note, take care fellas.
Austin Sanders HI EVERY-BAH-DEE!
"HI DR.BIT!" It's funny cause The Simpsons stopped being funny a long time ago. Like, you know? Right? Ok yeah. I'll stop this bit before it gains momentum. You know, like all bits.
(-EDITORS NOTE- I hate bits.)
SPEAKING OF BITS! One of those stole my chance at my fake championship. And now, my joke.
HEY!......YOU.....YES YOU! The one that's listening right now. You could be a cat right now but at least your listening. Hope you feel better listener...or cat....or both. I don't know and I could care MORE! SO MUCH MORE!! More "cares" then your body has room for. HEY! "For" and "More" rhyme. Cool. That's pretty neat and I'm drunk by the way. Not sure if you could see that by now, but i'm sure you could hear it comeing from a mile away. or smell it. Humans are pretty awesome creatures if I say so myself. Or yourself. or dogs. Fuckin dogs.
DID YOU KNOW? Well did you? No? I don't even know her. Now the listeners/Cats are confuzzled.
And now. Poetry. "Castles are white. "Have it your way
Love- Burger King.
And now. My ending.
Austin Sanders Hey where am I....did I....ugh.....uh....huh...HUH?! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Roper? Roper? Can you hear me? It's Cliff.... Can you hear me?
Roper? Roper? Mother humping AT&T and the stupid Australi--- Roper it's Cliff Snotes. Did you listen to Male Bag last week?
I SAID 'DID YOU LISTEN TO MALEBAG LAST WEEK?'
What? You're making no sense.
Pass? What do you mean Pass? Are you talking to me? Are you even paying attention?
What time is it out there... it's 4:30 am?. Jesus. You're up playing online poker aren't you? Addict.
Turn down your volume please.
I said "TURN DOWN YOUR VOLUME PLEASE"
I said "GO DOWN ON A WALLABY YOU USELESS TWAT" because I certainly won't win anything with you as my partner.
Andy and Chris,
Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in Ryan Dangerfield, you get "Gender Fairyland" and also "Nerd and Fairy Gel"?
Did you also know that both "Gender Fairyland" and "Nerd and Fairy Gel" are acceptable tag team names for Team Adam aka Adam Dan and Cam Gullett?
Speaking of TEAM ADAM, I need to be serious for a moment, and speak from the heart. You see, I remember when I was just a lad, and I listened to Monday Night Flaw for the first time. I heard about this amazing podcast, so I snuck my transistor radio into bed with me, and hid it under the covers until my parents were asleep. As you know, this was back in the Pre- Male Bag era. And the very first episode I listened to had these bigger than life emailers, guys that had been around the message boards since the turn of the century, guys who had epic running feuds. And the one that I heard on that very first episode still inspires me to this day. I listened in amazement and wonder, as all the emailers were lining up and taking sides. It was bigger than WWE vs WCW and the Monday Night Wars. It was bigger than the Invasion Angle. It was bigger than Bret Hart vs Shawn Michaels and the Montreal Screwjob. It was Team Fred vs Team Adam. And I thought, one day, people would be talking about Cliff Snotes with the same awe and reverance that I held for those guys. And I would find myself on a majestic team, too.
Which now brings this all full circle. Because there is nobody - and I mean nobody - that can possibly be more motivated and inspired than me to win this tag team championship because I want... no... I need to prove myself as I rub shoulders with the idols of my youth. I cannot accept failure.
Tom Roper is not my tag team partner.
I. AM. CLIFF SNOTES.
And so it was written, that The Jew will rise like a Phoenix. And return to glory!
And because he's got free time, since there's no baseball or hockey.
Fred Solomon and Cliff Snotes! Together again for their very last epic battle!
Team Fred Out.
JB King ((Has Paul Heyman hold up his belt during email))
Ladies and gentlemen, please and stand and show your respect as we play the world champion’s Iranian national anthem.
(Iron Sheik voice)
JB KANG NUMERRR ONE. DA BEST CHAMPEEON OF ALL TIME. IRAN NUMBA ONE. USA… (patoowee spit sound). I AM DA BEST CHAMPION. EBERYBODEH KNOWS WITOUT MEEE NO STU-AMANIA. STUL LITTLE I WILL BEAT DA FUCK OUT OF YOU. I WILL BEAT CHU OL’ COUNTREE STYLE. BOOM. CAMEL CLUTCH! BREAK YOUR BACK! FUCK YO ASS! HUMBLE HIM. NO MORE VIRGIN MONTLY FOR YOU. HES A NO GOOD PIECE OF SHIT. WORSE DEN MICHAEL JACKSIIINNNNNN HE WORSE DEN JOSE CANSECOOHHH. HE WORSE DEN RIC FLAIR.RIC FLAIR IS A NO GOOD PIECE OF CHIT MUDDA FUCKERRRR. I AM THE REAL! I AM NO HOLLYWOO PIECE OF SHIT AUSTIN MOTHA FACKERRRR SANDERS. HE NO SMART JEW. FUUHHHKEN BULLSHEEEET!
(spins his work out pins over his head)
OK I’ll stop. Could you imagine if people on here did entire emails as wrestlers? Sheesh grow up guys. Anyway it looks like I win back the belt. Yaaay. My Hall of Fame status is truly cemented now. Well unless I kill people and hang myself on a Bow-Flew or something. Too Soon? Well too bad because I have a visual with that joke too.
Ric Flair, have you pawned your belt or sold it to a ‘WE BUY GOLD’ store yet? How does it feel to know Atom Dan can make fun of your finacial status? Also, I’m not sure why, but I feel compelled to make a homosexual joke about you. Specifically about having sex with sailors for some reason. For some reason I want to make the joke of “Whats the difference between you and a rusty old washing machine? Your mouth can take more loads.” But that doesn’t make sense now does it? Why on Earth would I want to make fun of that and your dead mother? Hmmm, must be my gas. Anyway here is pic I found while thinking of you.
Also this picture can work for Atom Dan too. And if Austin already posted this than fuck him too. Googs is MY territory you jerk faced poopy head. Yeah that’s right, I’m going for the throat on my insults this week. Although I do apologize for last week. I had no intention of saying something horrible about your girlfriend. No 19 year old should have to deal with the drama of getting a girl pregnant. What? You thought I was going to apologize about the whole ‘cunt punt’ thing? Go fuck yourself you greedy asshole.
To ‘The Celibatory Samuari ‘ Stu Little, I hope we have an awesome feud. Just remember you took the first shot at me. I know you think about a lot of things like ‘what can I do to get back at King’ and ‘What does pussy feel like?’ but don’t let it get to your head. We are here to have fun. Do not let the feud ruin your busy schedule of Dr. Who marathons and ejaculating into a Cantalope. Let’s face it, your sex life is a bigger myth than my actual nationality. But there is no need to make this feud bigger than it is. Don’t put the pussy on a pedistal…ok maybe you don’t get that one but the point is I will be a good sport to hear your rebuddle about me. Hope it’s good. Love you, no homo…or whatever you are.
I guess now I have to close with the name for my tag team with Dustin Faber. Well guess what. He quit. He wants nothing to do with me. Dustin Faber is treating me like a science book, feel free to fill in the rest on that one. Thanks for proving you can never rely on religion for any real answers or results. (pounds chest points to the sky and apologizes to Allah under his breath) So bleach my taint and call me Cam Gullet because It looks like I’m taking on two guys at once next week. Which is a shame because I had a list of names that could have worked.
The Katholic King Konnection
Team Blind Faith
Saved by the Bell
Men on a missionary
Jesus and Pals
But I decide to go with Faber’s one idea, so we will now be called team “You’re on your own King you handicapped illiterate piece of shit.” It seems long, but I think it works. G’nite Everyone.
Check out Monday Night Flaw 45 and Male Bag 28 on iTunes, Stitcher or www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw then get your ass back here and slap down TWO votes for the World Email Champion of the World!
Future Chris Alt This message is for Chris, and Chris only...
Do not read anything beyond this. You and me wasted plenty of time last night between reading tweets and watching election coverage, off-air, right in the middle of our show. I don't need you wasting any more of my time now.
Hey... it's you. I mean, it's me... Chris Alt from the future. Now that I've got your attention, buddy... let me lay it down for you. Andy just told me that you guys are having trouble grasping the concept of us writing you from the future. Well, you asked for some betting tips - so you're going to get them:
1. Bet on the Chicago Cubs to win over the Miami Gators in the 2015 World Series. See Chris, Back to the Future is a movie... wait, why am I explaining this to you? I know you've seen Back to the Future.
2. In 2013, you will be visiting Barry Hubris in Michigan (or wherever he's fled to by then), and the two of us will attend a college football game together. I don't really remember the outcome of the game, as I was too drunk to remember anything except some vague references to a band called Lit? But do me a favor and don't take Barry's bet to whether or not you can finish ALL the hot dogs without throwing up. Spoiler alert: You can't.
3. Bet on the Undertaker LOSING to break the streak in 2014. Strangely enough, he loses to the Ultimate Warrior (actually, it's just Spence Hopkins in the makeup, but hey... he got the pinfall, so who cares?)
4. And finally, by the time this happens, Vegas will be laying odds on people's deaths, so bet BIG on the death of Austin Sanders to occur on September 15th, 2017. He gets shot in a drive-by shooting by a group of Black Panthers (yeah, they make a big time comeback in 2016, after Obama's second term). Sanders finally is forced to pay for his racist ways. This happens. This happens, and there's nothing he can do about it.
With my CEO gig at Buffalo Wild Wings, you should be able to lay some pretty large bets on these things, so if you read this e-mail, and do what I've recommended, I should be rich by tomorrow. I don't want Andy reading these predictions and getting rich off of us. I really hope he's not reading this e-mail.
Anyhow, Future Andy and Future I will talk to you soon!
Love, Future Chris Alt
Future Andy Gaston A wild tag team partner appears!
Dear Me and Chris,
Hey guys, it's Future Andy again. These Sentinels are getting a little out of control, so this might be my last transmission for awhile. But I wanted to make sure I got my hat in the ring for the upcoming tag team tournament. I've gone through all the possible people who I could choose as my tag team partner, and this is what I came up with:
Adam Dan: Fucking pantywaist. Plus, there's always that chance that he'll just up and croak in the middle of the tournament from cancer, so I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. Cam Gullett: Well, I believe he's already spoken for, but even if not... I certainly don't need that much homoerotic tension going on between the two of us. I'll never be able to concentrate with him as my partner. Barry Hubris/Jon Drouin/Cliff Snotes/El Serpiente Maricon: You guys already think I'm him, so this is the too-obvious choice. I don't need to reinforce your suspicions. Spence Hopkins: Too much of a one-note gimmick. Come up with some depth, Spence, and we can talk. Austin Sanders: Damn... even *I'M* not THAT racist, and I took a turn 6 months ago being an honorary Wizard of the Klan for fun. JB King: I'm not into foreigners. Stu Little: I'm not into foreigners. Scott Taylor: He'd probably talk about TNA all the fucking time, and... I'm not into foreigners. Dustin Hawes: Wait... who?
So that leaves me with pretty much two choices. I could go with Brian Van Alstyne, and hope he can type S's better than he can enunciate them... or I can pick the other Vendetter Boy - Michael Demko.
Yeah, I think I'll go with Demko.
Talk to you later (or is it earlier?).
Love, Future Andy Gaston
Jon Drouin Reset
Before we get started, Andy, would you mind setting the mood and kindly garble and scream a few verses from this WWE entrance theme? Hello
Hello Andy. Hello Chris.
You know, sometimes in life, we're going down one path, but things don't seem to be going the way we planned. So we need to make some changes, and forget about the recent past.
And one great example of this, is that maybe someone thinks a Survivor Series matchup of Team Punk vs Team Foley is a great idea. And you book it, but a week or two later, you realize that it's just not getting the desired response. So you need to hit the reset button and go in a different direction. Maybe you just alter your plans a bit, and go with a Ryback vs Cena vs Punk, but you keep the other guys in the same Survivor Series matchup. And you move on and forget that the last few weeks happened.
I bring this up, because I am currently sitting on the roof of some random bus stop in the middle of nowhere, and I have no idea how I got here. All I see is a box of spoons, and I've got a few bruises on my forehead and some rope-burn marks on my wrists and ankles. I know what day it is, but I have successfully purged from my mind the last few weeks. THE LAST THREE WEEKS DIDN'T HAPPEN! They are vacant, like Ann Coulter's soul. No World Series, No Hurricanes, No Elections, No college football or NHL strikes or Male Bags. I am moving forward and I'm Never Gonna Stop. Some how, some way, I am moving forward. I will change my life, and I will make this world a better place. Just me and this box of spoons--- Ah crap. Just knocked the box over the edge. And now there's a bunch of spoons scattered all over the sidewalk. SORRY DOWN THERE! I will make this world a better place. Just me and this single spoon. SPOON!
WARRIORS! I I HAVE CLIMBED THE MOUNTAIN TOP TO THE MOUNTAIN BASE AND BEEN SHOVELED INTO A PLAIN OF AWKWARDNESS! I HAVE FUCKED THE VAGINA OF THE WORLD FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWENTY YEARS ONLY TO FIND...... HEY FUCK YOU KID GIVE ME BACK MY JELLY BELLYS! GET BACK HERE.....
°chases a child out of his local chevron* BBBBBBAAAAAAAM! AGAGAGHSNASHAGHAHAHAGAH!
*Gets hit by car and head goes through windshield.*
Yup, i killed the Warrior before Hawes could. Fuck you science! SPENCE
Dustin Hawes Killeded him?!
I bet Spence thought he would pull a fast one. So I hired a kid to steal the warriors jelly bellys. The driver was me. It was always me. My windshield is broken but I'm still laughing all the way to the bank. The gimmick bank, that is. Fuck you Spence Kroger Uno P.s. Don't report me for the hit and run please.
Ric Flair Wooooooooooooo!!!!!
Woooooooooo!!! The Nature Boy Ric Flair is to class up this non-limousine riding, non-jet flying, non-wheelin' dealin' son-of-a-gun wrestling podcast! Wooo!!
The Nature Boy has been getting caught up on recent Monday Night Flaw episodes ever since he told TNA no more, and those pieces of crap who could not hold Ric Flair's jock. Seriously. Ric Flair doesn't wear one. Woooo!!
Natch wants to tell you guys a little story about his travels on the road. One night a few weeks back, Natch is roaming around Flair country and this awful skeletor looking chick comes and sits down at the bar and offers to buy good ole Natch a drink. Natch doesn't turn down drinks, even from skeletors. Wooo! After Natch downs a couple rounds, ole Skeletor starts looking more like She-Ra so the Natch gets into his kiss-stealin' mode only to find out that skeletor definitely has a bone. Wooo! To cut a long story short, that is how Ric Flair met Ann Coulter. Wooo!!
Consider your program officially classed up. Wooooo!!
Stu Little Two Thousand Words
Austin Sanders Either this is a political email or a funny email. Too close to call.
So if you Scramble the letters in "Ann Coulter" You get "No Real Cunt". You learn something shitty everyday.
PS. What's the main difference between Romneycare and Obamacare The name.
PPS. Gay marriage is slowly becoming more legal. This gives Cam Gullet and his life partner Cox Ucker a new hope for the future.
PPPS. Chris Murphy was like Kobe Bryant in a hotel room in Colorado, He's the winner.
JB King Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-BAMA!
Hey guys! How the fuck are you?!? What a very interesting week. I’ll be quick this week because good news! I won 5 grand from the election results. If you were wondering, it was Carl Rove that was silly enough to place this bet with me. Which may explain his last minute panic when the results came in. Personal thanks to Andy Gaston from the future for the sure fire results.
That being said, fuck you to present day Andy. Here I am trying to better myself as an individual with tolerance with race, religion and all that other gay shit. And then I went and listened to the Flawmentary of The Rise of the planet of the Apes. Good lord. Afterwards I’m in line at the gas station and (shit you not) the black lady in front of me actually asked the clerk “Ya’ll got any Newports?” (Newports was pronounced New-poe-ts, just ask Andy). Quickly I muttered “oh shit” under my breath and ran outside to laugh uncontrollably. But because I’m a darker individual than most on this network, and by that I mean I actually have pigment outside of pink, the mooley at the counter thought I was stealing. Christ, I thought it was the Asians that thought everyone dark stole from their stores.
So I guess we have to mock Ann Coulter now. Already thinking like a true black man eh Chris, going right for the pretty white girls. I thought the only political jokes we did here was mocking James Enright but since he is trying to fix his governed state of New Jersey we will leave him alone for now.
Q: What do you get if you put the name "Ann Coulter" on a Scrabble board and rearrange the letters?
A: NO R-E-A-L C-U-N-T (coincidence, I think not)!
Calm down Jon Drouin I will make fun of some liberals in a minute. Anyway where was I? Oh Yeah. I seriously hope that broom stick with a wig gets ‘legit’ raped by a retarded black man with a history of violence. Ray Lewis, you’re not doing anything get on it. And if you do so you can go under my personal porn name ‘Buster Highmen’.
Are we still doing the Chode Scholars feud? After they are done in the battle of ‘who gives a fuck’ we can move on to the tag tournament. By the way, since it seems no one wants anything to do with Spence, James Enright or Thom Roper. I took it upon myself to make them our new lovable stable here on Male Bag.
Now onto our World Champion. Stu Little, how dare you try and take a shot at me… literally. You think you’re hot shit but maybe you can explain to the world THIS….
Nice pink bachelor pad you sassy “sword handler”. Gotta keep those personals safe like the…um, anime poster and….Jesus Stu you have the money for a katana but not enough for a flat screen or DVD player? Set your priorities straight you lonely bastard. By the way Chris, if you ever become a movie star remember to cast Stu as your stunt double. Holy Shit.
Annnnnd Austin Sanders. How dare you try and steal my gimmick. No not the rapping, I mean the subliminal funny racist humor. I don’t like using the N word for black people. I don’t even like calling them neighbors for godssakes. And now you want to come after me? Great so now I am being challenged by a kid who looks like the result of a giraffe raping a native american woman. If you ever try to fuck with me again, I will personally fly over to that 3rd world shit hole you call a city. Kick the front door down and cunt punt your bitch in the muff so hard your first born will end up being more autistic than your lanky ass. I am J B FUCKING KING and you will not fuck with me!
Wow, that seemed a little huge…maybe I should move onto the wrestling.
Is it me or does AJ Lee look like Gilbert Gottfried when she’s pissed off. Sorry Chris I forget you want to pound her bush but you might want to look at these.
Also what’s going on with Ryback. I understand ‘Feed me More’ is his whole gimmick and everything, but after watching Raw it got me thinking. Surely they can make him speak more than 3 words right? That was a rhetorical question, shut up and let me finish. The confused look Cena was giving as Ryback was doing his chant makes me think of Ryback as some sort of roided out spin off on Lassie.
Hey look guys, Ryback wants to say something.
FEED! ME! MORE!
What was that boy?
FEED! ME! MORE!
Little Jimmy fell in a well?
FEED! ME! MORE!
BVA is bringing kids into his van again?
FEED! ME! MORE!
There’s a fire on Main Street?
FEED! ME! MORE!
FEED! ME! MORE!
You know I don’t speak Spanish. In English please.
FEED! ME! MORE!
You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese?
FEED! ME! MORE!
You’re right boy, now get inside for supper.
And so on…
I was going to write more but I gotta go collect my winnings from Rove. G’nite assholes.
Cam is gay? Holy Shit. Does Chris know about this?
This means that all the wrestling that Cam and I were doing... and when he asked me to rub oil on him.... and all the choke-holds.... and the thing with the "belt bump"... Oh God. Cam Gullett was molesting me.
And is Cam really dead? Death is just so... so... so final. We've lost too many people on this show this year. Tom Roper, JB King, and now Cam Gullett. Not to mention Cam's mom, a handful of Mexicans and French Canadians, and I think some racist dude was murdered a few weeks ago too. This is the most dangerous show on the flawedcast network.
And Sarah Alt is a pimp, too? My head is spinning. I can't deal with this. It's too much. I need some time alone. At least I know that I can count on one guy that will maintain his character and his high standards of class and integrity and dignity. My rock remains Dustin Faber.
Have a good week,
Andy Gaston Followup from the future!
Hello Andy and Chris,
It's me again, Andy Gaston. Thanks to my e-mail last week, you heeded my advice and buried your feelings for Dustin. I was so glad when I found out my life was being re-written. If you're wondering how I was able to remember sending you the e-mail, or how I was even able to send you the e-mail in the first place, then you're thinking WAY too hard about this stupid bit.
Anyways... Chris was concerned for himself last week, because I didn't mention him at all, or his future. Well, the truth is, because of our love affair with Dustin Faber, Chris took his own life. He thought *HE* was the only life-partner I'd ever need, and when he found out about me and Dustin, he took a bottle full of Midol and went quietly to sleep. Thankfully, due to my e-mail last week, you and I were able to save Chris' life. Now, his future has been rewritten as well.
Chris Alt goes on to become the president and CEO of Buffalo Wild Wings about two years from now. They figured, since he was spending so much money there on a regular basis, that they should at least offer him the position out of common courtesy. Once appointed as the CEO, Sarah was able to quit her job and become a stay-at-home mom.
Let me give you updates on a few of the other Male Bag participants:
Adam Dan - His cancer flared back up, and after 4 more solid years of fighting back, with chemo, radiation therapy and some experimental drugs the FDA offered him, he was able to force the cancer back into remission. He died a day after getting the good news, by choking on a chicken bone, strangely enough, at a Buffalo Wild Wings.
Stu Little - Stu actually never wins another Male Bag title. He is still a former 11-time World Champion. Chris and I actually developed a Scotsman Championship last week, just for him, because Chris felt so guilty about jinxing him 5 years ago. I mean, predicting 20 titles before the end of 2012? What were you thinking, Chris?
JB King - Johnny went finish 2nd place in the Scripps National Spelling Bee in 2016. The reason he was able to get this far is because he somehow made it onto the editing board for the Oxford English Dictionary, and was able to re-spell many of the words the way he wanted to. Despite that, he still lost in the final round, somehow misspelling the word 'spunk'.
Cam Gullett - Once Arkansas finally passed the law to allow gays to marry, Cam couldn't have been more excited. He'd been waiting all that time to finally profess his love for Jon Meredieth. The two of them were married earlier this year. They're expecting their first child sometime in June.
Spence Hopkins - Realizing that the Warrior gimmick had gotten stale (really after 2 weeks or so), Spence went on to make me imitate other WWE Superstars, including Macho Man, Rick Rude, The Brooklyn Brawler, and the Gobbledygooker, amongst others.
Michael Hodge - After becoming King of the Ring, he actually let the power go to his head, finally declaring himself King of Canada in 2014. He claimed that his home in Saint Catherines, Ontario, was seceding from the province, and that he was planning a military coup of the Canadian Parliament. No one's heard from him since, except for Fred Solomon, who we all secretly think actually *IS* Michael Hodge.
Jon Drouin - He was diagnosed with MPD a few years back, and was committed to an insane asylum for life by his father, whose name is Cliff.
Anyhow, that's all for now. I can promise you, Andy, you're much happier now than I ever was with Dustin. You'll thank me for it later.
Love, Andy Gaston
Dustin Hawes It comes to this
How is everyone? Hi Spence. How the fuck are you, you jabbawokkee cobbledick goat fucker. You know, the Altar Boy and Sir Gaston said you owned the fuck out of me last week on the mailbag. Well, fuck it. Congrats on getting your Warrior gimmick over. I mean, it isn't incredibly hard to write for a drugged out maniac is it. Nevertheless, as easy as that seems, i think you could do a hell of a lot better at this stupid cocaine gimmick than you are. Let's face facts bro..... Your skill set is probably more well equipped to use Eugene as a mailbag gimmick. However, that would be impeding on J.B. King's wouldn't it. So, fuck it, keep warrior around for a while. i must say that your "owning" of me sparked something here Spence. You see, funk may be on a roll Spence. However, the funk coming from your Warrior gimmick's Oompa Loompa Butt Vagina is so foul that James Enright wouldn't eat it if it was on a roll that was covered in mayonnaise and a pound of sausage gravy. That's right, obligatory fat joke at Spence's expense. You dumb fuck. Andy Gaston, i really enjoyed your e-mail last week. Congratulations on your intercontinental championship. It's funny, i never realized that "Schindler's List" was based in the future. It's a shame.
Kroger Boy 1
P.S. Hey bitch Spence. I found a board game you may enjoy.
Andy Gaston Intercontinental Champion? INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!
Dear Andy and Chris (again),
This is a strange turn of events. I don't remember ever having won the Intercontinental Championship before, but it seems that you've announced me as the champ. I would never have guessed that my quote DIRECTLY from Clark W. Griswold, in Christmas Vacation would have earned me the right to call myself the champ. But here I am. And here I will stay, because there is no one better at tearing myself a new asshole than me.
Andy Gaston - you're a blowhard. You love to hear yourself talk, and you love it when other people talk about you. You seem to get off on talking about roided up, greased up men in tights. I would say you're the most homosexual man I've ever met, but since technically, I've never met you (well, save for our private chats in the mirror)... that wouldn't be true. You have the weirdest laugh of anyone I know, and for some reason, you feel the need to share it with everyone. Your fiancee is definitely settling, and you're trading WAYYY up. Congrats on that. It's about damn time you won the Intercontinental Championship, because all the people here on the Male Bag really hate you, and they've been looking for an excuse to finally get their venom out when it comes to you and your "Fuhrer" persona. Deep down, you know you're a really nice guy, but one who's trying so desperately to be an asshole, that you hope no one else will notice.
How's that for tearing myself down? We'll see you next week... same Gaston time, same Gaston channel.
Love, Future Andy Gaston
Finally, The Rock has come back to Monday Night Flaw!!
That's right jabronis, you are in the the presence of greatness. The Rock has been listening to Monday Night Flaw lately and has taken exception to some of these emailers spouting their weekly bullshit into the Brahma Bull's ears.
First off, who in the blue hell is Chris Alt?
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU ARE!!
Spence Hopkins like to hang with the Warrior. The Rock used to let the Warrior use a room at the Smackdown Hotel to crush his pills and snort his coke, but then one day Rock comes in and Warrior starts asking Rock, "What would you do if the sun god Apollo came down from the heavens and commanded you to climb into the Warrior's soul and have a tea party atop the Mount Kilamanjaro of the Abyss in hell?" Rock told Warrior that Rock would take Apollo's golden chariot, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP WARRIOR'S ASS!!
Cam Gullett, stop sending The Rock pictures of what you call, "The People with Aids' strudel." You creep The Rock out more than that little hermaphrodite Michael Cole.
Andy Gaston, you make The Rock think of Gary Busey and James Hetfield hate-fucking each other until one of them bleeds.
Dustin Faber, know your role and shut your damn mouth son. Next time someone passes some peyote your way, just say no.
The Rock has to be back on set for Fast 6 so you jabronis have had enough of The Rock's time this week.
IF YA SMELLLLLLL what The Rock...is cooking
Spence Hopkins Snooooooooooooort snarl sneep
LWarrior fucks! CARABADOO ARABONIO LIBERINSKI! AMAROCHIOCITO CENA PITOAKSKI LEMONAIDE STAND! CHRISTIAN PONDER! RIKKI TIKU TAVI OYO COMO VA! BENICIO DEL TORO DE LEANARDO DI CAPRIO! FELIZ NAVIDAD BURRITO! BALANCING ACTS! CREAMPUFF COOTER DUSTIN HAWES! ALICIA SILVERSTONE COMPASS MONGER! RIP TORN FUNKAUSER! CORNHOLING THE CHARLOTTE BOCBCATS! PEPSI TWITTER FEEDS! SCROTAM JELLY! HORDING PICKLED JELLY BEAN SPEARS DE PUTOS! SILENCIO! AND WISCONSIN BAAAAAADGER FRUIT PIES AGAGAHHHHHHAAAAAH! peter still walks. (passes out from the combination of Demerol and morphine that he was given by Michael Jackson's doctor)
Sorry about that guys, i don't know what to say about the warrior this week. Either way, i am sure it will still be better than what ever the fuck Hawes shits out onto his keyboard. The show will probably take an even bigger dive whenever you read his boring drab. Pull your fucking pedestrian pud Dustin. Then jump in a lake with a briefcase full of depression.
Stu Little Hate Thy Faber
*Billy Gunn Theme*
#I'm a Bass Man! Yes, I'm a Bass Maaaan,
I love to tune it, I love to strum it, I love to replace the strings when necessary, because I'm talking about the instrument again, not the fish, Chris, you dunderhead!
Don't you ever- EVER -tell me not to include words that can be pronounced multiple ways in my e-mails. You can't tell me what to do. You just read the e-mails out and try to keep the jinxing to a minimum, alright? Just for that, here's a list of words for you to read out. I want to see if you guess which one I mean.
Okay, that's enough. Answers will come next week. I'd include them at the end of the e-mail, but I'm afraid you'd just skip ahead to read them and cheat. No, this is much more honest and fair. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get some of them right.
Cam Gullett is a drug dealer? That would make a good Breaking Bad type TV Show, only he'd be less Heisenberg, more Heidenreich:
Now, I'm not saying James Enright is fat....
What? I'm not.
Future Andy, why did you even bother sending that e-mail? Yeah, you probably averted a horrible future timeline, but despite saying you were going to spoil the next five years for us, you didn't really give us anything usefull to go on. Not even a PDF copy of Grays Sports Almanac for the next few years. You are worthless. And even if you have prevented the Dustin Gayber timeline, who knows what we'll get instead? Shadow Dustin prevailed last week against Light Dustin, and this worried me, so I put out some feelers to find out what he's been up to since, and it's disconcerting:
-He's selling his NES and PS1 games...to buy an Atari Jaguar
-He's buying electrical equipment to build something called a "Double Edged Lightfaber"
-He's paying his priest to do shorter Masses
Not to mention he called me drab. DRAB! Listen, Shadow Dustin. I'll drab you! I'll drab you by the balls and throw you through the nearest window! Light Dustin will be avenged. You think I don't know how to fight a catholic? I've played Assassin's Creed 2, the game where the final boss is taking on the Pope in a fistfight. You may have made your name putting Cliff Snotes in his place, but I'm Stu motherfucking Little, the OG of Monday Night Flaw! I INVENTED the Cam-Sailors joke! I BURIED James Enright the first week he tried to step to me, and I wrote an unnecessarily long, but still awesome rap song that you only beat out by amazing people by putting some actual personality in your e-mail for the first time ever. And by the time I'm through with you, you'll be the Excellence of Excommunication! Hasta La Vista, Fabey.
Dustin Faber Questions. Damn. It. To. Arkansas.
U R NOT E.
What I have done, I have failed to do.
MANIACAL LAUGH. MANIACAL LAUGH. MANIACAL LAUGH.
So, in the interest of this email, I'm cutting his lame schtick out bro. No more stupid wrestling questions. No more whining about his father not loving him. No more, "OH GOLLY GEE THIS IS A WRESTLING SHOW EVERYONE IS AMAZING I LOVE YOU GUYZ!"
WAIT! I'M RECEIVING A BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN! LET'S GO TO OUR MAN ON THE STREET, WEE WILLY WINKY!
Thanks guy in studio! OK, it is being confirmed that the Andy Gaston of the future does not have a dangle. I repeat, the Andy Gaston of the future DOES NOT HAVE A DANGLE! Here is visual evidence of this news!!!
Nicole, bolt while you can before this man tries consumating the marriage with a toothpick and a piece of Bubble Yum.
Now that the news is out of the way, it's time for the fun stuff!!! Andy, I know that you hate wrestling questions, and to be honest so do I. It's not hard to do internet searches (unless you're using Bing, which God help you if you do try that). So I'm going to ask a question whose content matches the other shows on the Flawedcast Network. After all, it's not like everyone keeps wrestling the focus on this male bag anyways. And I'm not going to give any of my answers because let's face it, nobody loves me or cares about my opinions.
Question 1: What was your favorite cartoon growing up?
Question 2: Do you see Notre Dame winning a BCS game this year?
Question 3: What is the one TV show that you hate that everyone loves?
Question 4: Aaron Gaston is a God. Why can't we all be like him?
Question 5: Why did my childhood friend Ricky insist on showing me his private parts? I'm five damnit, I'm not your Cam!
Question 6: Who is your daddy and what does he do?
Question 7: What is your favorite kind of soup?
Question 8: F it, I'm out of questions. So here is a picture of your grandma falling down. Don't just stand there, help her you ungrateful bastards!
BTW, the Chamorro word for fall is Poddong. As in, I wish you'd fall on my poddong, hey oh!!!!!!!!!!!
DUDE, YOU'VE GOTTEN CREEPY!!!! YOU USED TO NOT SAY THINGS LIKE THIS. WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY IF SHE SAW YOU TYPING THIS???????
Whoah, chill out Light Dustin Faber. Don't you remember getting killed by Shadow Dustin Faber last week ? If your mother saw you typing this, she'd probably wish there was a dumpster outside the girls bathroom to put you in, you ugly sack of shame.
Anyways, I'm off to kill Light Dustin Faber. Again.
Love, Your straight-edge friend and guaranteed Designated Driver Dustin Faber
JB King Admit it, you missed me.
Hello again to Chris Alt and Andy O’Doyle Gaston. I have returned! I apologize for not participating last week. I legitimately was in and out of the hospital. And no, I’m not lying like Rey Mysterio got his mysterious “flu”. Although I did have some explosive bowels in the end (rimshot). Not graphic enough? Ok, let’s just say I turned my toilet into a Dalmatian last week. Holy Shit indeed. But now I am better and ready to bring it. And thank God I came back. Spence Hopkins and Angel Dustin Faber as champions? Great. A guy that impersonates Ultimate Warrior and a bastard who impersonates Atom Dan. Yes that’s right, Dustin Faber is Atom Dan version 2.0 think about that for a minute voters. I just hope Sir Cancer Farts finds a way to get his gimmick back.
Because that’s Adam Dan’s way of thinking. Find a way. As in finding a way to beat cancer. Unable to use a computer because of your wife? Find a way to do a podcast to share with everyone anyway. And I don’t know how the fuck you can get fired from a Burger King, but yes, he found a way on that too. Be homeless and happy? He found a way. And hopefully he finds a way to get into our tag tournament. Does that shitty idea have wheels yet?
Ah yes, our glorious tag team tournament. So far we have myself and James Ryan who is on “injured reserve” and The Ambiguously Gay Duo of Jon and Cam Gullet. You need to push your sale more Andy. You couldn’t even get team Lisp-shits to join our tournament. So I make this declaration which I hope Andy is in favor of. In order to get this thing rolling I give the entire Monday Night Flaw Universe one week to establish your teams. If we do not have a full bracket, then Andy and Chris can combine whatever teams necessary to fill the gaps. So guys, get your shit together or expect Stu and James Enright to establish team “Fat Bastard” from Andy and Chris’s so called wisdom.
Speaking of tag teams, I just wanted to say how much I have been enjoying Team HELL NO. I think team HELL NO is a fantastic mixture of comedy and talent. Team HELL NO even has an appropriate catchphrase of the same name, which is HELL NO. I’m so glad the WWE Universe chose this appropriate name for a team, which is HELL NO and not something else. I mean, what kind of assholes would live in a stubborn bubble and refuse to call by the correct name…which is Hell NO. I mean, it’s right there on the t-shirts and everything. But apparently there are still some jackoffs out there that can’t get the picture. Maybe they are just trolls or delusional sore losers. Anyway, I hope team HELL NO holds the belts for at least 2 more pay-per-views. Go team HELL NO.
HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO HELL NO
Also, I’m glad you guys decided to take the high road on the whole Primetime Players and Gallagher joke. At first I thought we were going into some dark humor (pun obviously intended) but I guess I got the wrong impression. I soon learned that the Prime Time players hate Gallagher because he destroys watermelon, a fruit enjoyed by many individuals in the black community. Phew, that was close. I thought you guys were going to go on a tangent about how Gallagher calls black people spooks or something. Because here I am thinking “Oh no, they are going to bring the fact that Gallagher is a racist and uses the term ‘spear chucker’ quite often.” Thankfully you didn’t. Silly me. Why in god’s name would I ever think you guys would use such hateful speech like ‘colored clubbering’ or ‘nigga knashing’ on a well-respected podcast. Glad we cleared that up. Go diversity!
Let’s talk Divas. It seems Bryan Van Amberalert has some issues with Eve Torres. Saying for some reason she looks like a man. Then again this is the same guy who masturbates to Honey Boo Boo and cartoons. Which cartoons you ask? Rugrats of course. But Bryan is a walking contradiction. He claims he hates pubic hair as much as he hates the letter “S” even though he gets a (and I use this term loosely) massive boner for AJ Lee. Whose vag can only be compared to Buckwheat’s head. It’s not her fault, she has tried to trim it but that Puerto Ric- uh I mean “Asian” hair of hers is just too coarse. She has broken blade after blade but with no luck. AJ’s bush will go through more razors than Dustin Faber’s arm when his daughter discovers Darwinism.
BUTT FUCKING! (calm down Cam) Yes it seems you guys decided to make this a topic on Tuesday Afternoon Flaw. I’m surprised James Ryan restrained himself from talking about AJ Lee’s obsession with anal considering he stole all my other jokes that night. Thanks for the shout out bro! Yes, it is true. According to some old shoots made by Jay Lethal, AJ was down for the brown in more ways than one. Her asshole has been stretched harder than Jim Enrights pants after going to Hometown Buffet.
Ok, let's close this bitch.
((((Please have Chris read the rest of the email))))
Andy, I’m sure people have given you shit tonight for having the IC Belt. That or someone admitted to being you 40 minutes ago… but that’s then and now. I have decided to take the high road and not take any shots at you. Sorry. I am also not going to be asking any questions this week. Sorry Chris, I know you enjoy them. Andy, I’m sorry you’ve grown a hatred for the questions. I always thought it was a nice way to set the pace. A few paragraphs of funny with a topical question about wrestling. Even some of the questions were just jokes themselves. But I’ve realized why you hate the questions so much. It’s not because of me but because of Jon “Garbage Dick” Drouin. The stupid shit that he asks on Flawedcast is astounding. Between that and the so called contributions made by Atom Dan, no wonder you hate questions so much.
Lastly, it seems Cam Gullet is dead. That’s our ginger, following in his mother’s footsteps. And as a tribute, I’ve decided to let his best friend Chris Alt read a story to remind us of how Cam died and what we can learn from it. Actually, he’s going to rap. Show them your southern fried flow Chris. Because YOU SEE CHRIS, this is your punishment for weaseling out of the Honey Boo Boo recap for another week. And until you do the recap, expect to be rapping for every following email.
Have a great night everybody. Enjoy Chris closing the show with his sweet mic skills.
Love peace and penis grease.
(Lets Andy close out the show with a send off and letting Chris rap)
(Rap the following to the tune of Slick Rick’s: Children’s Story, here is a link if you need help with the beat)
And Here we goooooooo,
Once upon a time not long ago,
When people turned to the Flawedcast shows,
When jokes were made and life was good,
And people were behaving like they ought-ta should,
There lived a little boy who was misled,
By another little boy and this is what he said:
"Listen up Cam, were gonna make some cash,
Sucking on dicks and pounding some ass",
They did the job, money came with ease,
But Cam couldn't stop, it's like he had a disease,
He sucked another and another even his dad and his and Brother,
Tried to blow a man who was a D.T. undercover,
The cop grabbed his arm, Cam started acting faggish,
He said "Keep still homo, no need for rubbish",
Punched him in his dick and he gave him a slap,
But little did he know the Cam Gullet was strapped,
Cam pulled out a gun, he said "Why'd you hit me?",
The bullet was set straight for the cop's kidney,
The cop got scared, but Cam starts to figure,
"I’ll get raped in jail for being a faggy ginger",
So he dashed and ran around the block,
Only to be chased by another cop.
But the cop was coming and he made a left,
He was runnin' top speed till he was outta breath,
Knocked an old man down and swore it was Alan Capps,
Then he made his move to house of Japs,
Ran up the stairs up to the top floor,
Opened up the door there, guess who he saw?,
Jaaaammmeees the fat fuck eating popcorn,
Bitch was so fat all of his clothes were torn,
He said “I need bullets, hurry up, run”
Enright brought back an army shotgun,
He went outside but there was cops all over,
So he carjacked Adam Dan and stole his Nova,
Raced up the block doing 83,
Crashed into a tree near the university,
Escaped alive though Dan’s car was battered,
Rat-a-tat-tatted and all the cops scattered,
Ran out of bullets and still had static,
Grabbed a little midget and pulled out the automatic,
Pointed at his head and he said the gun was full o' lead,
I am writing to you about, shall we say, a touchy situation. Please don't share this with Chris.
I know you don't like getting a lot of questions... but I need your advice. I found something out... and you're not going to believe this, but Cam is...
Well, let me start at the beginning.
Cam and I were training for our tag team tournament. It was a normal training session; we spent about half the time with me choking Cam, and about half the time rehearsing our celebration routine. It's pretty cool - it's a lot like a chest bump, but we call it a "belt bump". Cam thought of that one.
The only problem was that Cam kept getting phone calls. He would excuse himself, and quietly step away from the ring. Cam kept talking about a secret meeting, and making sure that there were no police around, and he wanted to know if the caller would be entering through the front or the back door, and he was very picky about if the caller would be coming alone, or bringing a friend. I could tell that the caller was always a dude, and Cam always ended the conversation by saying, "It will be a pleasure doing business with you. I look forward to the "exchange". Ha ha haaaa!"
We went to the locker room, and like usual, Cam quickly got undressed and headed for the shower. He was being his normal silly self. While naked, he was walking around like a gorilla, breathing heavy, popping his eyeballs out, and chanting "FEED. ME. SPUNK!"
While he was in the shower, I went through his things. I know I shouldn't have, but my fears were confirmed. He had this black book, with all kinds of guys and phone numbers and prices and dates.
Andy, there can only be one explanation. I'm not comfortable saying this, but we need to confront the truth, and this secret needs to come out.
Cam Gullett is a drug dealer.
This can be the only explanation, right? Being secretive, exchanging money... it has to be drug deals.
But there's more. You know that Cam is always hanging out at the Alt's right? And always using their computer? Well, at first, I was worried, because I thought maybe Chris doesn't know what's going on, and Cam is making all these arrangements on Chris's computer, so if Cam ever got caught, he's got Chris set up as the patsy.
But then I thought, no, that's not possible, Chris is too smart to let Cam outsmart him. So then I thought that maybe Chris is the drug kingpin, and Cam is his runner. Chris comes in contact with a lot of shady people at his "day job", so maybe he's "hiding out in the open". But that wouldn't make sense either... as a kingpin needs to be dealing with people higher on the food chain. And then it hit me.
Yes, Cam is the drug runner, but the kingpin needs to be someone with a brilliant mind, someone who is smarter than Chris Alt, someone who can contact Cam through the Alt home computer, someone who comes into contact with wealthy and connected people, someone who understands the boundaries of the law, and someone who could have the perfect cover of working in a law firm. It's so obvious now.
SARAH ALT IS A DRUG KINGPIN!
CAM GULLETT IS HER DRUG RUNNER!
AND THEY ARE SETTING UP CHRIS ALT AS THEIR PATSY!
Andy - What should we do? Should we tell Chris? Should we confront Cam? Or Sarah? Should we call the police? I'm heart broken about the whole situation.
I look forward to your analysis and response. And remember, please don't tell Chris about this until we've had a chance to discuss Cam's secret life.
Cam Gullett is dead...
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you all go out and have sex with a diseased prostitute this weekend because it is what Cam would have wanted. Thank you.
Oh wait, Cam Gullett doesn't have any family because they are all dead or senile. Do whatever you want then.
Dustin Hawes whaaaaaaaaaaaat?
What's going on my favorite joke about wraslin' podcast?
Look, things are kind of weird to me in the WWE right now. So, in the spirit of not asking questions and making the Altar Boy use his brain, I will ask a couple of questions to make Altar Boy use his brain. This Punk/ Ryback thing makes no sense. With the momentum of Ryback and his streak, do you really think they want to jeapordize that just to have him fill in for Cena? Also, they can't honestly be thinking about taking the belt off Punk right? To me, neither of these scenarios get you anywhere. This will lose all of Ryback's momentum they have been painstakingly building for so long. If they take the belt off Punk though, then why in the shit do they keep mentioning how long he has held the title? Why would they do this a couple months before the Rumble when they obviously want it to be Rock vs Punk? Fuck you WWE. Fuck you in your peacock bitch ass. Anyways, how is everyone? Don't you enjoy questions Chris? Aren't they you favorite? Are Cowboys/Lakers/Yankees fans real? Where do babies come from? What happened to the dodo bird? Is GTV on syndication? When do we find out if Austin Sanders is still a thing? Is Mae Young single? Can't we all just get along? Does Cam's bathroom feature a gloryhole? Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care? Do people really like TNA? Why are there dirty, gross trains in WinneLittle Rock, Nevankansas? Well, Maybe these are questions we will never get answers to.
Whatevs, Kroger 1
P.S. Did you guys see the county fair Honey Boo Boo sketch artists latest?
P.P.S. BVA has been found.
P.P.P.S. Just because some people on this network seem racist......
Andy Gaston Hello from the future!
Hello Andy and Chris,
This is Andy, from 5 years into the future. Things are great here in the future! We've got hover boards, electric cars, and Arnold Schwarzenegger got elected President in 2016, due to a mix up with his birth certificate. How about that? Settle in, guys - I'm about to spoil the fuck out of the next 5 years of your life for you.
First of all, congrats, Andy - Nicole and I got married in a nice quiet ceremony, with many of our friends and family around, and we even flew in Dustin Faber, all the way from Pennsylvania for the ceremony. Nicole thought it was a bit weird, but she didn't really object. She knew how much the Flawedcast Network meant to me, and how far I was willing to go to make my listeners happy, and she warmly greeted Dustin when he arrived.
But then the strangeness started. Dustin stuck around after the wedding. He claimed something about his wife making him clean the damn refrigerator out all the time, and refused to fly back home. Again, Nicole thought it strange, but since we had the extra room on the couch, and since Nicole is such a sweet girl, she just sort of let things happen.
Skip forward about 2 years. Dustin was still living with us, and he and I had become closer than any two men really should become, especially when one of those men is a devout Catholic. Dustin and I would go down to a bar called the Blue Oyster, and just spend most of our evenings there, away from the house. Nicole and I became more and more distant. It seemed like our relationship was in some serious trouble.
Another year later, and I finally realized I was going to have to come clean to Nicole. It was November 16th, 2015, when I finally came out of the closet. I told Nicole everything. I confessed to her my love for Dustin Faber, and I told her that we wanted to go away together. I left her standing there, and realized then and there how much damage I'd done.
I'm telling you this now, in order for you to hopefully avoid this future, Andy. I understand just how incredibly attracted you are to Dustin Faber right now, but those feelings must NEVER be acted upon. I'm Andy Gaston, and I am gay, but that doesn't mean that you have to be. You can live a life that's pure. You can make your fiancee a very happy woman. You don't have to go down the same back roads that I went down.
Do yourself a favor, Andy. Bar all contact with Dustin Faber from here on in. He's nothing but trouble. I now wish I had the opportunity to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Stay away from Dustin - he's not the man you think he is.
This is all for your own good. Steer clear of Faber.
Love, Andy Gaston
Austin Sanders brb
This cosmic dance of bursting decadence and withheld permissions twists all our arms collectively, but if sweetness can win, and it can, then I'll still be here tomorrow to high-five you yesterday, my friend. Peace.
See you next yesterday.
Cliff Snotes Stay Hard
WELCOME! TO FLAW IS CLIFF SNOTES!
Alright Andy. I heard you loud and clear last week. No long expositional questions from me. I won't ask your opinion, or try to make you think. And no more improv set ups for Chris. Hopefully this will be enough to keep you hard.
TV for Vendetta on MNF? Get well soon Chris. And why is BVA so interested in what year it is? He's talking about 2002 and chanting about 2012... is this some wish of his to also be a time traveler? Rename his show to Quantum Creep. Maybe he could travel 15 years into the past, and show Hansen's the publicity that an Energy Drink company can get from sponsoring a Space Jump. Wouldn't our lives be so much better if X-Pac was sent into space and hooked up into his gear by the rigging guy from Kansas City?
Speaking of Back To The Future, I'm looking forward to another three straight months of Kofi Kingston in the opening match at Raw.
And the WWE is proudly presenting The Rolling Stones in Concert! Old Guys who began declining in the 80's? I don't even have the heart to make a TNA joke here.
Moving on to happier subjects, did you know that Wednesday was National Ass Day? It Was Ass Day! Yeah!
So apparently Triple H has influenced the WWE to keep the belts on the champs for longer title runs, to make each title run and each title exchange be more valuable. Also, probably to protect his record number of title wins. I like it. I can see how nobody would care and it would get boring if a World Tite Belt seemingly changed hands every single week. That's just silly, and the show would probably start to get stale.
So here's a thought to change things up on your show. The Male Bag Champ should only defend his title the week of a WWE PPV. (Andy, don't comment on this right now. I don't want you to have to work. Focus on staying hard. Think about Trish Stratus and her ass.) The intervening weeks can be used to determine a worthy challenger or challengers, and the hosts can make things rules for each different PPV, so each Title defense is different. Sometimes there are preliminary battles, sometimes they just use their power to award a title shot to one person, sometimes it just needs to be a rematch, and sometimes it's a Battle Royal or an Elimination Chamber and everyone's invited. Also, the Intercontinental Title would be elevated in importance, as it is now the only weekly title to fight for.
That's all I've got for now. Good luck to Dustin Faber in dealing with that Bastard that's been harrassing him. Congrats to Spence Hopkins. And looking forward to more from the Kroger Boys.
I'm an Ass Man.
Yeah I'm an Ass Man.
I'm Cliff Snotes.
Stu Little MNF-The New Generation
So...Spence Hopkins huh? Congratulations I guess. Though I really think he needs to be tested for performance enhancing Destrucity.
So wait, all these newer guys are winning titles, Papa Shango has been referenced liberally, people are pulling out increasingly ridiculous gimmicks and now we've got an Ultimate Warrior impersonator on top. Has MNF gone from it's "Rock 'n' Wrestlin'" era to it's "New Generation" era? Who's our equivalent of Doink?
Another round of congratulations to Tom Roper on his recent 7th place ranking in a Poker tournament, which netted him over 11,000 dollars. And that's AUSTRALIAN Dollars, too! That must have been a really tough game of Double Blind Canbera hold 'em, but I'm sure when the flop pot was loaded, you tilt angled the push to secure a reverse straight high ace play. Too bad that other guy was holding 8 cards of the same colour in his LEFT hand, and was able to call a Sydney Snap do-over on your inverted one-eyed cucumber flush. Which, I'm sure everyone listening will agree, you should have seem coming. Well, better luck next time.
Onto the wrasslin!
Smackdown opened with Big Show and Sheamus conducting an experiment to find out whose strike finisher was more powerfull. And for this, they appeared to use some of Ivan Drago's leftover gym equipment from Rocky IV. It's still unconfirmed if Sheamus later ran up a mountain to yell Big Show's name after the show.
Randy Orton's Battle Buddy has a voice mode, which says "I'm coiled and ready to strike". Randy Orton- The Human Slinky? Any excuse to see Wade Barrett throw him down a flight of stairs again...
Also on the show, Eve insinuated Teddy Long was the mystery blonde attacker of Caitlyn, despite the fact that I think if the attacker was black,it would have been mentioned at the time and it would have made Alicia Fox the prime suspect, even though if she DID attack someone backstage, the chances of a lethal outcome would have risen considerably to 85% instead of the usual 45%.
On Raw, Big Show came out to complain about his recent treatment, saying the debate he was forced to be part of was "A clever joke designed to make me look bad". Now, Big Show, don't be ridiculous. That was NEVER a clever joke. He then scolded the people on twitter who called him Fella, saying "NONE OF YOU ARE IRISH!!". Wow, that hurts Big Show. That hurts.
The Ayr Sitar Heroes later showed up on the show, wearing new duds, that I would best describe as "A Tribute to X-Pac", and let's face it, you wouldn't be all that surprised if 5 years from now Slater was gone from WWE and releasing a sex tape with Chyna. Well, actually, you would at least be surprised that Chyna was still alive... The team also revealed their supposed real name of the "Three Man Band", which you pointed out conflicted with the "One Man Band" song. Andy, this is nothing new for Slater. Remember, he was in Nexus, the 8 man team who's theme song was titled "We Are One" and began with the words "We Walk Alone, In The Unknown". But seriously, I love the Three Man Band(The Three Man Band are my Uncles)! I love the What The Fuckery of the membership, I love Jinder Mahal saying "Let's Celebrate!" in a totally uncelebratory tone of voice. I love the air guitar/sitar/bass. I do think you were incorrect about the move Slater used though. That wasn't a finisher. That was just a botched attempt at a snapmare. Makes you wonder what other signature moves might have been invented by accident. Was the Tombstone created when someone messed up a shoulderbreaker? Was The DDT actually Jake Roberts going for a vertical suplex, but blacking out for a second? Was the Mandible Claw just some Diva trying to lose weight? Who knows?
Did you guys hear the gem of an opinion JR stated about Punk on commentary? He said he thinks Punk is an impressive champion, but if he wants to be placed alongside the true GREATS to have held the title, he has to go through Hell In A Cell at some point in his career. Two things about that. 1. Wasn't he in the main event of Hell In A Cell LAST YEAR, with ADR and Cena? Sure, he didn't win, but JR never specified that he had to. and 2. Sorry Andre, Randy Savage, Bret Hart, Ric Flair and every other world champion who never stepped inside that Cell. You're a fucking loser! If Ryback wins the title, he's a better champion than you'll ever be.
On that note, I'll bid you both good night.
Spence Hopkins belt champion *snarl* belt
WARRIORS! I AM HERE! I EXIST! I CAN DO THINGS! I AMMMMMM YOUR WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAAAAAAMPIOOOOOON! LOOK INTO MY SOUL WARRIORS! LOOK INTO MY EYES AND SEE THE SOIL OF THE EVANGELIST! THE CHURCH OF THE WARRIOR IS HERE, LET THE CEREMONIES COMMENCE IN THE HALL OF THE ALBATROSS! THERE WILL BE REFRESHMENTS!!!!!!!!!! BRING YOUR OWN UPPPERS!!!!!! NOBODY LAY A FINGER ON MY BUTTERFINGER! LICK MY CHOAD DUSTIN HAWES! BOW TO ME AS I GRAB THESE ROPES AND FLAIL THEM UP AND DOWN LIKE THE TEETER TOTTER OF YOUTH! PRAY TO ME AS THE HEAVENS I HAVE DESCENDED FROM COMMAND THE LEGIONS AND SWARMS OF ROMAN CATHOLICS TO SO LOVINGLY PRAY IN THE NAME OF THE ZOMBIE JEW WHO HATH BEEN SLAIN BY OTHER JEWS DO WITH THEIR LOINS UNFURLED! I HAVE CONQUERED THE VOICES IN RANDY ORTON'S HEAD! I HAVE REVERSED MICKIE JAMES'S CAMEL TOE CLUTCH AND MADE HER TAP AFTER A CONTINUOUS WARRIOR SLAM! I HAVE GOTTEN A NEW BEST FRIEND ONCE SHANGO THROUGH AWAY MY OLD BEST FRIEND'S PHONE NUMBER! AND HIS PRICES are cheaper! AGGGGHAHAHGGHAG! WARRIORS! WILL YOU WASH YOUR CLOTHES IN THE SAME WASHING MACHINE AS THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER? WILL YOU EAT YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE LIKE MATT HARDY? WILL YOU ADMIT THAT KAITLYN WAS ATTACKED BY GOLD DUST IN A BLONDE WIG? WILL YOU SIT THROUGH AN ENTIRE DIVAS MATCH? CAN YOU TWIRL YOUR MUSTACHE AS DANIEL BRYAN DOES BEFORE TYING NANCY GRACE TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS? WARRRIOOOOOO WA WARRRRRIOOOORRRRSSS! WAAAAARRRR! *heart explodes from the 17 pills of speed he took just minutes ago in DMX's hotel room*
What the fuck? Don't worry about the warrior fellas, the doctor at the hospital said he should recover just fine. When he arrived, John Cena sprinkled some magic pixie dust all over him and they say it did wonders. I'm champ dickholes.
.......Things changed, things changed and there's no changing of things to change them back to the way they were prior to them changing. *trademark*
Oh ya, before I forget. Dear Chris,
Also, Obama in a WOLF SHIRT!
Bamm. Spence out.
Dustin Faber The Power and Glory of us all
Greetings MNF, or as the Warrior would put it, "SALUTATIONS AND ALTITUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I KNOW Andy hates wrestling questions, so in his honor, I will ask a wrestling question: Are moves like the sleeper hold, half-crab and scoop slam even viable moves anymore? Nobody ever wins with them, so their use seems stupid. LIKE MAH FACE, YOU IGNORANT SON OF A BITCH!!!!!
Oh, we'll get to Dustin Faber in a minute. But first, FIRST! HAS EVERYONE gone tourney mad? We had a King of the Ring, now people want to do a tag team tournament? I say we scrap all of that and have the first ever MONDAY NIGHT FLAW TOURNAMENT OF RANDOM STUFF DUSTIN THOUGHT UP DURING HIS EMAIL! 16 random items, and CAndy gets to decide which is better, eventually leading to the championship match at NIGHT OF THE FLAWEDCAST RANDOM STUFF PPV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are your first-round matchups, seeded like the ass of Cam Gullett!
1. Scrubbing Bubbles 8. Rod Roddy
4. Baseball 5. Burlington Coat Factory
2. Chocolate Milk 7. Gene Okerlund
3. Boise, Idaho 6. Guacamole
1. Beverly Cleary books 8. James Ryan
4. Community (television series) 5. Wings (the food not the television series)
2. Dr. Pepper 7. Sam Rockwell
3. New socks 6. Corn Dogs.
I look forward to this tournament that makes absolutely no sense.
OMG SANDWICH ACTION!!!!
Before I address myself, there is another that needs addressing. J.B. King. To insinuate that I have a drug problem is about as ridiculous as my mother and father's decision to skip Planned Parenthood 29 years ago. Luckily, I don't have to talk to you, as The Idaho Statesman has already covered the big news. DO IT DO IT NOW!
Now that that is out of the way, I have to face a sober truth: I might not make it out alive. So before I do, I need to say some things to my fellow Flawedcast community.
Nate Corbitt, I miss your emails. I wish you well on your journey North as you search for Margo the Bird. Chris Alt and JB King: The fact that you are forced to watch Honey Boo Boo almost makes me reexamine my pro-life viewpoints. What horrible things you both have to endure. God bless you and the the job you do. Andy Gast-OWN: You're the only french guy I know. That makes you special and unique. Props on your mad podcasting skillz. Druin/Cliffs Notes: A shrine should be dedicated in your honor. ONE OF THE GREATEST COMBOS OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PIZZA PIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STU LITTLE! STU LITTLE! STU LITTLE!!! MY FAVORITE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD OMG PLEASE WIN MORE TITLES AND STOP BEING SO DRAB BECAUSE I NEED YOU TO WIN ITS LIKE MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT BUT NOT REALLY CAUSE I LIKE WINNING BUT YA KNOW I JUST WANNA BE NICE AND ALL!
All of this has been fun guys. But I need to face myself one more time.
SD: Fun? hahaha LD: Oh it's you. Shadow Dustin Faber! That dark side of me that threatens my very existence! SD: Huh? LD: You heard me. Now lets finish this.
(Light Dustin Faber blocks every punch that Shadow Dustin Faber throws). SD: The last time we met, you were just a wimpy guy asking wimpy questions. "HEY guys, let's play a game where you form your own federation using 8 to 9 guys." You know why they never answered it? It's because you are stupid! LD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i am not stupid! (Light Dustin Faber's intensity picks up as he blocks more punches and kicks from Shadow Dustin Faber) SD: GIVE IN TO YOUR ANGER YOU SILLY SON OF A BITCH!!! LD: I WILL NOT FIGHT YOU! I WILL NOT WAGE WAR AGAINST MY OWN SOUL!!!! IF YOU STRIKE ME DOWN, I'LL BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE!
Michael Demko The 2012 (2013?) Monday Night Flaw Royal Rumble
Dear Chris and Andy,
I was listening last week, and I heard the e-mailers crying out for more tournaments, in possibly different styles, here on on MNF Male Bag. Well, Michael Demko, the self-proclaimed Platinum Voice of the Flawedcast Network, is here to save the day!
I suggest Royal Rumble rules: Whenever Chris and Andy are ready to begin - they can have qualifiers each week to enter participants into the Royal Rumble. One-on-one matchups, much like the KOTR qualifiers. Once the Rumble participants are set, ALL of them will compete on a week-to-week basis, with the person who gets the lowest number of votes getting thrown out of the ring. If two or more people tie for the lowest number of votes, then they eliminate each other, much like the real Rumble.
I'm entering my prediction now, though. I believe Zach Gowen wins this whole thing, because the WWE rules specifically state that both feet have to touch the floor in order for the superstar to be eliminated.
Good luck in the Rumble, everyone! Michael Demko Co-Host of TV for Vendetta Master of Demko's Dungeon
Spence Hopkins Wolf shirts and snarls
Ehem... WARRIORS! MY SENSES ARE BENIGN! I AM CURED FROM THE BALLS OF ENERGY SENT UNTO ME BY PAPA KAMA GODFATHER SHANGO! I HAVE WENT TOE TO TOE AGAINST BRIE BELLA IN HELL IN A CELLULITE AND REMAINED THE ONE THE GODS HAD CHOSEN! I HATH POISONED THE APPLE THAT LIVES IN EVE'S THROAT! I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THE DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME, IT FELT GOOD TO GET.... out of the rain. I HAVE WARDED OFF THE POWER OF THE KROGER BOY, AND ALAS, HAVE SHOPPED EXCLUSIVELY AT COSTCO AND CHEVRON FOOD MARTS! I HATH DESTROYED THE HEAVENS AND FROZE THE GATES OF HELL TO CREATE A WORLD THAT EXISTED IN JOHN LENNON'S IMAGINATION! I TRANSFORMED SUNNY FROM A WHORE OF INFERTILE BLASPHEMY TO A WONDER OF GENUINE INSANITY BY SIMPLY STEALING HER MEDICATION! I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED SUPER MARIO 3 AND HAVE PICKED OUT MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME AS TANOOKI! I HAVE SEEN WHAT WAS FORETOLD IN THE RYBACK PROPHECY, AS HE WILL NOT BE IN HELL IN A CELL AGAINST CM PUNK! BUT RATHER FACE ERMAC IN MORTAL KOMBAT UNDER THE ALIAS BARAKA. AFTER WHICH HE MUST PROCEED TO PERFORM HIS FINISHER ON BOTH SCORPION AND KANO SIMULTANEOUSLY BEFORE HE CAN FACE shao kahn. WARRIORS! I LIVE! I HAVE FORESEEN THE LIVES OF THE FLAWEDCAST NETWO........ *proceeds to pass out from the 7 pills of xanax he took just minutes before writing this e-mail*
God dammit warrior! Now Sunny is going to flip her copus mentus vagina and catch another trip to the good old holding cell she has kept warm for the last month and a half. If she is really this crazy, maybe the WWE should hire her and make her GM of Raw so she could play the roll that A.J. was suppose to be playing this entire time. Meh, or she should just go ahead and marry Scott Hall and they could have a bunch of unstable schizophrenic children to share their vodka, pills, and Wendy's Baconators with. Then everyone wins. I guess. Spence
P.s. I found a picture of the Flawedcast annual wolf shirt party recently. You bunch of goofy fucks.
Jon Drouin and Cam Gullett I am the Tag Team Champions of the World!
Cam: Hey Jon, what are you watching?
Jon: Oh hey Cam, I'm preparing for the big tournament by watching some classic tag team matches. I'm really studying the high flying top rope moves.
Cam: High flying moves, eh? I have always been a huge fan of mat-based wrestling. You know just two guys getting all oiled up and rolling around on the ground together. You mix in some choking, err, choke-holds and it is a fun time for everybody.
Jon: Oh. I had no idea.
Cam: I have actually put together a disc of classing tagging for you as well. I have Hulk Hogan's latest video, some stuff from Chyna, the Hard-on Boys, The Cockers, and some indy stuff that X-Pac.
Jon: Wow. Great. Hulk hogan is one of my favorites. Oh wait... you misspelled Hardy Boyz.
Cam: I did? Whoopsies. Still though, maybe something for you to check out.
Jon: Listen Cam... there's something I've been wanting to discuss with you, and I just want to clear the air up front. I want to make sure that we don't have any misunderstandings about our partnership.
Cam: Umm...I mean...Okay Jon.
Jon: I'm really concerned about what we call ourselves. I don't want to get in a fight over who gets billed first.
Cam: Well I am nothing if not a gentleman so I implore you to come first. Nothing would satisfy my hunger more.
Cam: I'm serious Jon. Nothing would make me happier than being behind you for years to come. I would love for us to be the kind of team that I saw when I walked in the rectory that day and saw you with Father Flannagan. Shame that he was reassigned soon after.
Jon: Wow. This is great! I can't believe how easy you're making everything for me. Look out World! Tag Team Champions Jon Drouin and Cam Gullett are coming soon!
Dustin Hawes Depressing emails 2 weeks in a row
Hello you well mannered, affectionate group of gentlemanly beings. How is everyone? Well, I hope everyone is doing just swell. Here i am for another mailbag, and damn does it feel good. Inhale friends, do you smell that? It smells like sunshine, flowers, and trust. Open your eyes, do you see that? It looks like mountains and beaches sprinkled with a little bit of love. You see, it is a new day. The world is yours, make it what you want it to be. Drink life in and piss out the bad people in your life. Nobody will bring us down today, because today belongs to us. Here we are. Born to be kings. We're the princes of the universe. Here we belong. May you days be blessed by the heart of Jesus. May you never be forced to watch TNA. May your wishes be brought true to you by prancing unicorns and the wings of a periwinkle pegasus. I hope you and your families live forever and never have to endure even the slightest bit of pain. But most of all, i hope all of us stay best friends forever.
*Eric Cartman singing voice* You guys are my best friends through thick and thin we always stick together We're emailers of a kind having fun all day Laughing around and piling a way just best friends BEST FRIENDS ARE WE!
i love you guys
Just kidding guys, this email is for you guys to determine if this email was less depressing than last weeks. Kroger boy one out
P.s. Austin Sanders, sarcasm aside, i am sorry about what happened to your friend. Half the people in the world are just plain shitty. Hopefully you do not let this sour you on life to much to enjoy it.
Michael Hodge Ryback
You guys talked about Ryback/Punk on MNF and the possibility that they might add Cena to the match and have Ryback take the pin. Wouldn't it make more sense to put Cena on the shelf for another month and have Ryback beat Punk via DQ? That way, you protect your investment in Cena by allowing him to get fully healthy and build Ryback by giving him a win over Punk.
Of course, your scenario is far more likely in Vince's world, but I figured I'd throw mine out there too.
Have fun. Play safe.
Dustin Faber Salad and Croutons
...Oh, Ana,’ he breathes as he lets go, my name a benediction on his lips as he finds his release. His head rests on my belly, his arms wrapped around me … I just want to enjoy the quiet serene afterglow of making love with..."
Oh, hello, you caught me in the middle of my morning reading sessions! G'morning both of you. How are you doing? Do you like lava lamps?
I heard a song the other day that made me think of CM Punk's title reign in the WWE. Actually, it wasn't CM Punk that I thought of. And actually, I didn't even hear a song. But the point stands. Or sits, I don't really care about it's physical fitness.
Oh wow. Where was I? Oh yeah, the WWE. This is a wrestling show, isn't it? I have a point of contention with the fans of the WWE. There's one thing that they are too stupid to realize, and that's that you should stick with a guy no matter what he does, within reason. Why are these fans cheering against CM Punk? Where is their loyalty? Where is their support? They were cheering for Vince McMahon? Really? How completely stupid of them, those fruit fly ass bandits. I hope they stub their toes, play the lottery, win one of those free lotto tickets from the scratch off ticket stubs, then buy another lottery ticket that gets them $20, which they spend on something sensible like the electric bill or bisexual pornography, all the while unaware that the scratch off stuff underneath their fingernails is a TOXIC CHEMICAL THAT DESTROYS THEIR WILL TO DIE!
FLAWEDCAST! THE GREATEST PODCAST IN THE HISTORY OF PODCASTING!
I wish James Ryan and Cam Gullett were my two gay dads. Those guys are awesome. Hey CAndy, if you had to choose two emailers to be your gay dads, who would you pick? Cam has the uncle experience and would be a good disciplinarian, and James could read me bedtime stories with funny voices. GOODNIGHT COW JUMPING OVER THE MOON!
RECENTLY the flawedcast community has stepped up their game. I'm so proud of everyone who emails this great show. Recently everyone has been forming tag teams. I was approached to form a tag team, but I declined. I walk alone.
Alone? That's right Dustin, you are alone.
WHAT YOU SAY?
Yesssssss, you are alone. And frail. In fact, you might be the saddest, most pathetic man I've ever met. You haven't accomplished anything worthwhile in your life. In fact, all of your greatest accomplishments? It was me, Dustin Faber, who did those. You didn't graduate college, I did. You didn't marry your wife and become a father, I am the one Lucy will call Daddy. You didn't beat the Legend of Zelda without a sword, that was me. You've never accomplished anything, because you've never been worth anything. Nobody loves you. Nobody wants you. Your father? He saw the man you'd become, and decided to make it a one-night stand. Anything to keep you out of his life.
I can echo the Flawedcast community when I say that they don't want you either. You're nothing more than a side show: "Oh golly gee look at this good Catholic boy used double-entendres and say semi-swear words!" Just leave. Nobody will miss you because nobody ever liked you to begin with.
YOU SIR! No, I will not let you continue to torment me any more. I am loved! I am beautiful! I am special, and not because I can wipe my own ass. What you have said, Dustin Faber, is a bowl full of lies! So lets end it. In style!
Next week on the male bag, it's you verses me! We'll let Chris read both of our emails, and if you win, then I'll walk away, a beaten dejected man. Everything you say will be true. But if I win Dustin Faber, then you shut your ridiculous trap.
If I win, then you can burn in Hell.
Love, Dustin Faber
Stu Little Mr. Cellophane
Hey guys. Well, another week, another resignation to the garbage heap of this flawedcast, my previous heights of popularity a distant memory. Hodgey even totally skipped over me when talking about his KOTR opponents. I might as well find the podcast equivalent of TNA, and become a main eventer there.
No. NO. Fuck that. I can still contribute. I still have worth, even if my status doesn't reflect that. I have to be an example for the young guys coming up. I can be the elder statesman of this show! Maybe even form my own stable, the Flawed Horsemen, eventually. Something to consider. So in the meantime, I'll carry on as usual:
First off, to Austin. That whole situation you told us about last week truly sucks ass. Fuck the ignorant jackasses who can't just live and let live, and kudos on you for being better than them. You're e-mails have quickly allowed you to rise to the main event here, eclipsing so many of the rest of us. It happened, and there's nothing we can do about.
Jonathan Huggins- Welcome aboard! And congratulations on your opening e-mail. I am curious however as to where you from in the UK exactly? Are you english? Because if you just let me get this out of the way:
We good? Okay. At the very least, I'll hopefully have someone else I can pander to with Doctor Who references and topical events. Goodby Jerry Sandusky, hello Jimmy Saville!
One last thing before moving onto the usual. Thank you Chris. Thank you SO, SO much for reading out that recap of the Hulk Hogan sex tape aka "Suburban Cumando". It's not like that's made it difficult for me to even look at oranges this past week. And now you tell us there's going to be a sequel. What's that gonna be called, "Mr. Fanny"?
We didn't get Main Event over here as far as I know, so onto Smackdwon
-So Sheamus came out to try to show some sportsmanship by offering to shake Big Show's hand, but when Big Show refused for various good reasons, Sheamus just went back to poor sportsmanship by playing a video about Show's embarassing title loss. Sportsmanship- it's totally selective
-I wasn't at all surprised by ADR copying Randy Orton's entrance. I mean, he already stole his old "DESTINY~!" catchphrase. Or for Raw Satire fans, "DENSITY~!"
-Vince returned to talk in the ring about various things. But before he could get to saying "Breast Cancer.....YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUU'RRRRE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRREEEED!!", he was interrupted by CM Punk, who was dressed like The Reverse Flash for some reason. Words were exchanged and a one on one match was made. It's just a pity that they didn't put the WWE Ice Cream Bar Revival on the line...
-Sheamus and Barrett took each other on in a match that was billed as "England vs. Ireland". Goddammit WWE! We've only just started to get past all the old "Troubles", stop stirring things up! Did "Sunday Bloody Sunday" not teach you anything?
-Antonio Cesaro beat Tyson Kidd, and also called a food vendor a "Schwein". I thought he was a Swiss ex-rugby player, not some stereotypical German supervillain? Wait, hang on a minute...
Oh no! Where's the USA Guy when you need him?
-Paul Heyman's known Vince since he was 14 years old? How? Did he used to do shoeshines outside Titan Towers?
-Caitlyn took on Eve, and took the opportunity to display what she could do with her strength. Torture Rack? More like Torture RACK, amirite?
-BOOBIIEEEES! in case you didn't get that.
-ADR shit his pants at Randy Orton's tweet of immense foreboding. I guess next year during the buildup to 'Mania, Undertaker's opponent will be cutting a promo, before becoming terrified as the Titantron show's Taker's latest Tweet:
@theundertakerwwe: U Will RIP. LOL. #BONG #IWantToRetireAlready #ChucksAlimonyPayment
-Vince and Punk took each other on in a NO DQ Match, I guess, and it came down to Kendo Sticks. Those things are technically wooden swords, right? So how come no one ever uses them like that? You can block and deflect guys, you don't have just stand there wailing on each other like they're just switches for whooping. Can we at least have Yoshi Tatsu repackaged as a Kendo Stick Samurai, who charges through groups of opponents, slashing away, but they only fall over once he pauses dramatically and resheathes the stick?
What I Learned: Ryback loves old men, but hates Puerto Ricans.
Take care guys,
Cliff Snotes Haiku
You See Chris, Haiku Five, Seven, Five Sylabbles Let's Try This Again
WELCOME TO FLAW IS.... Three. Yes. I will count to three. This is a Haiku.
So... a tag team tournament on this show? Do people really want to hear another JB King-James Ryan effort? Are people really lining up to hear more from Jon Drouin and Cam Gullett? I say you put this to a vote at punshouse.com. Let them choose between a tag team tournament or five minutes of listening to the moans of a dying cow.
Speaking of James Enright, Andy - why did you appear on Wait Til Next Year? And Haters too? And you also released a couple of new flawmentarys in the last week? Do you have a life? The only thing more pathetic than actually appearing on eight different podcasts in a week, is emailing six different podcasts on your network in the same week, or even worse, sending multiple emails to the s ame show.
Which leads me to a confession. I need to share a secret with you. I haven't been fully honest with you about my identity. You're all going to be shocked, so I'll advise our listeners to either sit down, or if you're driving, maybe pull over the car before we proceed. I don't know how to say this, but the truth... the truth is...
I actually work for the WWE, and I'm the man behind GTV.
I've set up hidden spy cameras for years, and I've picked up some interesting footage. Specifically, I've got a bunch of sex tapes with WWE Superstars. And after hearing the recaps of Honey Boo Boo and the Hulk Hogan sex tape, I spoke to Chris earlier this week. And I sent these tapes to Chris and he agreed to give a brief recap or point out some highlights for us. Thanks Chris! Without further ado.... Here's the list:
1. Dolph Ziggler and Amy Schumer 2. Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrerro 3. Mark Henry and Mae Young 4. Billy and Chuck 5. Kane and Lita 6. Randy Orton and Stacy Kiebler's Gym Bag 7. Vince McMahon and Stephanie McMahon 8. Daniel Bryan and Nikki Bella and Brie Bella
Chris, thanks again for the excellent recaps!
Andy, if there's one thing I've tried to do with my emails to you and your show, it's improve your network. Nevermind that my ideas usually fail or are ignored or don't quite work out the way I intended. There's no need to rehash the past right now.
But this time, it's different! Your Global Empire of podcasting has expanded to the point of saturation. You've got podcasts that overlap on topics and cover the same ground, so it's time to expand your reach. Follow the lead of the WWE, and get involved in other ventures, and specifically, insist that your talent bring their "outside interests" under the Flawedcast umbrella.
Think about what you could quickly add to your empire: a male escort service, an out of work actor, a security staff of ex-military rejects, a professional gambler, a Jewish money managing service, and a couple of random guys in Canada and Scotland that i'm sure could be useful for something. You can even insist that Chris needs to get a higher allowance from his wife when he babysits the kids. Just make it clear to these guys that this is a requirement that their bookings need to go through the Flawedcast network if they want to continue to work here. Although, to protect you from future lawsuits, you may wish to demand that Brian Van Alstyne move to Thailand.
I'm sure I missed someone? Any thoughts?
Well, before I sneak out of here through the crowd and go all CM Artest on an innocent bystander, I just wanted to discuss a rumor that Sheamus vs Brock Lesnar is being considered for Wrestlemania. A few thoughts:
First, I think Paul Heyman could raise Sheamus to a higher level in the promos. Also, a win over Brock would certainly legitimize Sheamus more than anyone else on the roster, short of Cena or Punk.
Second, it sets up one or two other intriguing matches. We know Rock will face either Cena or Punk, but what if it's a three way dance between Rock, Cena, and Punk? They certainly could get interest in this match, and each star would have a pretty big following. The crowd in that match would be interesting.
Another possibility is Rock vs Punk, which might leave Cena-Undertaker. While I'm not particularly interested in a Cena-Undertaker match, the intrigue would certainly be there, as Cena would be the first opponent for Undertaker in years that actually has a believable chance of ending the Streak.
And while we're here... how about Daniel Bryan vs Dolph Ziggler as the "show stealing" match of the night.
Just wanted to get your thoughts on the headliner possibilities.
I am a poet.
I am GTV.
I am Cliff Snotes.
JB King *Dolph Zigger Burrrrrrrrah*
نأمل يا رفاق كان أسبوع عظيم. وأنا أعلم أنني فعلت. حصلت لرؤية باتيستا المعركة ايفانز 'المتخلفين الأخ الأصغر. وقد تمتعت أيضا أسماء القليلة الماضية ما قدمتموه لمعارضيه. ولكن ليس محاولة لإعطاء الكثير من المفسدين بعيدا، لأنني خططت له على القتال في وقت قريب. بالطبع، وانا ذاهب لمحاربة باتيستا في مباراته القادمة تحت اسم القتال. في الواقع انا ذاهب بعد إنرايت جيمس عندما تحارب له تحت اسم شريحة جيمبو. في حال كنت أتساءل، نعم، وهذا هو الشيء الحقيقي. هنا صورة لباتيستا وإنرايت جيمس مع "التدريب" لأصدقائه مباراتهما المقبلة.
… oh sorry I thought I would just play along with the whole JB Mihal thing. Let me clean this up.
Hello again to Andy and Chris,
Hope you guys had a great week. I know I did. Praise Allah. I got to see Batista fight Evans’ retarded younger brother. I also enjoyed the last few names you gave for his opponents. But try not to give too many spoilers away, because I planned on fighting him soon. Of course, I am going to fight Batista in his next match under the fighting name JB PENN. Actually I’m going after James Enright when he fights him under the name Jimbo Slice. In case you were wondering, yes, this is a real thing. Here is a picture of Batista and James Enright with his friends “training” for their next bout.
This is pretty low as far as my standards go. Speaking of lowering the bar, we really have sunk a new low. I saw that episode of South Park on how Honey Boo Boo ruins the standards of anything it goes near. I didn’t want to believe it at first but then I realized our top 2 emailers last week (voted on by our mouth breathing, paint sniffers of an audience) was Adam Dan and “Angel” Dust-in Faber. Oh my god it’s actually happening. What’s next, are we going to see two fat idiots fight now in sketti? (witnesses Andy and James hugging it out) Holy Shit! Nuke us now China!
I blame Dustin. Because YOU SEE CHRIS~ His incoherent, coke induced ramblings confuse the fuck out of me. How confusing? Let me explain. What is the most confusing holiday for black people? Father's Day. What’s more confusing than that? Dustin’s emails. Hope that helps.
(NBC The More you Know Chime)
I think the Catholic crazy gene in him is finally kicking in. What’s the difference between Dustin and acne? Acne usually comes on a boy’s face AFTER he turns 12. Calm down Brian. Double Whammy! Calm Down Cam. I hope you slip on invisible Jimmy semen and land head first on nail. Go fuck yourself. God Bless.
And now onto to our blossoming tag division. So Jon decided to align himself with everyone’s favorite sexually questionable country bumpkin? So not only does he think aligning himself with Detroit sports teams is a good idea but now he is under the impression that Cam Gullet will actually improve his image. Lions and Tigers and AIDS oh my! Jon, this isn’t one of those situations where you hang out with an ugly friend to look pretty is it? I suppose it’s better than joining James Enright and calling yourselves the Canadian Bacon Destroyers. Are we going to get a tag team of Adam Dan and Nate Corbitt and call them a Natural Disasters spinoff? Earthquake and Typhoon? More like Heartache and Dying soon AMIRTE?
Speaking of ARDERM DERN. HERPY BERFDEY ARDERM! AND HERPY BERFDEY TO ERDDY GUEREERRERO (that last word wasn’t in derp, that’s just how Scott Taylor thinks it spelled) I HERP ARDERM DERN GERTS FERKED IN DER ARSE BY PERPER SHERNGO. ERMERGERD BERF DEFERCTS…and now we see a picture of birth defects. No, were just kidding. It’s just a picture of Nate Corbitt on a slip in slide. Anyway moving on JB KING writes, By the way in honor of Adam Dan being the perennial last place contender can we give the ominous 30 second bag pipe opening for him like Stu gets except replace the bagpipes with farts? At least that way I know ahead of time when to skip over this retards email in advance.
And before we get to the questions, Austin I found some old gifs of Nate Corbitt to help cheer you up. Hope to hear from you soon.
Onto the questions!
Question One: Why is almost no city in California mentioned as far as great hot crowds go? It’s always the same cities like New York, Chicago, Philadelphia and Toronto. Shouldn’t Sacramento or Los Angeles have a say in awesome places to hold a wrestling event? The Tri-State Area always get the hot smart crowd label while the south and Midwest get the mark crowd treatment, leaving a lot of the west coast with little to no love. Just wanted your thoughts on what you think of west coast crowds and if some other places are considered overrated.
Question Two: It seems that Vince is fixated on trying to boost the ratings. So much that he fired head writer Gershwitz. Vince demands results or resignations. Which brings me to the question of who do you think Vince will bring in? Put your mark boners aside and think of someone else besides Paul Heyman. As a matter of fact, Russo needs some work. Or how about Jim Cornette? Personally, with as many bridges Jimmy has burned down, Russo has a much better chance at getting his job back then Cornette. So what do you think? Is Cornette a nice find or do you find him as a bitter old cunt that just buries everything now? Also, who would you initially bring in if anyone?
That’s all for now. I’m off to grow an epic hipster beard like Daniel Bryan to make James Ryan jealous. By the way, Daniel Bryan learned the twirl his mustache like that from his ex-girlfriend AJ Lee when she twirled her snatchstache.
hello to Andy, Chris, James, Austin or whoever else is running the show this week. long time listener, first time emailer, and another fan from across the water. (thats the UK this weeks MNF inspired me to sign up with puns house, just so i could get my right to vote. no secrecy needed, it will be going to Mr Alt. the only exposure i'd ever had of that advert for ethnic cleansing was this 3 minute video, that was apparently the root of all this evil...
just that clip was enough to know the pain and sheer mental anguish that Mr Alt went through in 30 minutes, all for our entertainment. i am giving my own slow clap, and with all sincerity i say "good job, good effort" the reviews of honey booboo i think need to be shared out, there are lessons that several of the flawedcast presenters could learn. Dustin. watching one episode of this would shake your faith to its very core. God makes man, man fucks sister, Mommy June is born. if god created us in his own image, that abomination must have been on the day after he created coke and LSD. James Enright, you can look to the mother as a mentor of how to get into that fighting shape you've been longing for. simply following the trail of man vs food locations like a big fleshy hoover clearly hasn't quite done the job. follow her example for butter and spaghetti and soon you could add 6 chins to your mangled mouth and the gut that hangs so far and hangs so low, that even Cam wouldn't go searching for your cock with the promise that your jizz has a cure for Alzheimers that his parents so desperately need. BVA, no one really needs to say what you could gain, apart from 6 inches whenever honeybooboo is strutting her stuff, or 8 inches when there's talk of the elder sister giving birth to a fresh baby soon. great show guys, am looking forward to the next tournament. your new english pal, Jon James.
P.S. the anti spamming input on the puns house registraion seems to have slightly racist programming. my first set of words were FRANKS AND BEANS, the second set was PRIME TIME.
Adam Dan Herper Berthder, Derstern Ferber!
Jerms Ehrnrert ers a fert perse erv shert. Ah herp herr perershers ern a mersserve Werffle Herse ferr.
Derstern Ferber ers serper ersum. Derstern Ferber herd a berthder nert ter lerng ager. Herper berlerted berthder, Derstern Ferber! Ah herp yer enjyer bernerng ern derr erternerr flerms erv serferrerng fer yer serns.
EHRMAHGERD! PERP TERTS!
Term Rerper?!? Merr lerk Term Rerped-a-nersty-fert...EHRMAHRERT?!?
Stert Lertler ers frerm Skertlernd. Stert perberler lerks ter ferck sherp.
Merker Herdge ers der ner Kerng Erv Der Rerng! Cerngrercherlersherns, Merker Herdge!
Sperkerng erv Kerngs, Jer Ber Kerng ers a ferckerng ahrterd. Plerz kyerr yerserf.
EHRMAHGERD! MERKY MERK ERN DERR FERNKER BERNCH!
Derd ah mernchern dert Jerms Ehrnrert ers a serper fert dernkee fercker?
Herleerwerd Fergert, Jerms Rerern ers der Gerldern Verce erv der Flerdkerst Nertwerk. Jerms Rerern alser enjers Gerldern Sherrers frerm Derckter Gerrlfrernd.
EHRMAGERD! MERN KERMF!
Clerfs Nerts ers berk ter berrng ferny. Ah wersh he wers berk ter slerlee berrnerng ern a dermpster.
Werkerm ahberd, Spernce Herpkerns. Err lerk yer ser fer. Dern't tern ernter dert dershberg Erstern Sernders.
Erstern Sernders lerst herss vergernerty ern a Hernday Verlerster. Er herv no ideeyerr hawie wers erberr ter gert thert fert bertch ern thert cermperct cerr.
Cherm Gerrt wernce herd serks werth Serpyernter Merrikern werrerng a Frernch Terckler. Cherm, ert herperned, ernd therrs nertherng yer kern der erbert ert.™
Herst erv Dernderer Merberr Rahdyer, ernler ern der Flerdkerst Nertwerk
Jon Drouin I want a title belt!
Andy and Chris,
Sorry that I have been away for a few weeks... I've missed you guys.
There's now a King of The Ring, and last week two guys announced that they were tag team champions of Monday Night Flaw. You can do that? Well I don't want to be left behind. Therefore, I would like to make an announcement.
< cough, cough > Ahem.
I, Jo n Drouin, am declaring myself the Monday Night Flaw NXT Champion!
I will defend this belt on a secondary show that most people don't listen to... perhaps Wait Til Next Year.
Also, as the NXT champ, I will only appear occasionally on Male Bag. Finally, as your new NXT Champ, I will----
CAM GULLETT'S MUSIC HITS
CAM GULLETT: Jon! NXT, really? Really? Really? You are so much better than that sir. When my buddy Dustin Faber introduced me to you at church a few weeks ago, I really saw something in you. After the Priest pulled his pants back up I noticed something else in you: greatness! You are destined for greatness good sir and I am going to help you get there, brother. We should be the MNF Tag Team Champions of the World!
JON DROUIN: Wow. Cam, you want me to be your tag team partner? That's great! Do you have any experience with Tag Teaming?
CAM GULLETT: I have more experience with Tag Teaming than anyone you will ever meet. I have been in 6-man tags, 8-man tags, even as high as 200-man tag teams!
JON DROUIN: Well, Cam can you give me some advice for tag teams?
CAM GULLETT: The real trick to success in tag teaming with a bunch of guys is to make sure you get in and then out again quickly, followed by in again and then out. Really it is all about rinse and repeat on these steps.
JON DROUIN: What about James Ryan and JB King? They didn't do that. They wrote such a long email last week.
CAM GULLETT: The Retarded Enigma and The Hollywood Faggot were about as brutal of a team as my two pimps when I don't bring in enough gentlemen on fleet week. The Monday Night Flaw audience deserves a better class of tag teams, and we're going to give it to 'em. WE ARE THE NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS NOW!!
JON DROUIN: Wow! This is going to be great! Nothing can stop me now that Cam Gullett is watching my back!
Andy and Chris, have a great week.
Papa Shango Stop it
Just fucking stop.
Stop mentioning me.
I didn't even like this gimmick.
Fuck you mark.
No, I will not be on your show.
No, I will not put a curse on this Spence guy.
Do not come visit me.
I will not go to Buffalo Wild Wings with you.
Go fuck yourself.
Michael Hodge The Coronation of King Hodgey the First, Absolute Ruler of All He Surveys
[British accent]Good morrow, Sirs Chrandy.
Let it not be said that my esteemed opponents in the Kay Oh Tee Arr Pee Pee Vee were not worthy. Let it not be said that they took me lightly. Let it not be said that this whole thing was silly.[/British accent]
It's still real to me, dammit. Finally, I get to be in a Cinderella story that's not just about wearing the pretty pretty dress.
To my opponents, I'd like to say thank you for not eviscerating me. You were all kinder than I was. Dumb move, apparently.
More specifically, to James "Beer Baron" Ryan, you seem to have misunderstood. The point was not to grab the nearest "king" and have him do half the job for you. In fact, grabbing that particular King seems to have ensured that you jobbed.
Maybe in the future, stick to what you're good at: the Army of Dorkness podcast. It's a lot of fun to listen to, and I wish it came out more often. Hopefully, you and Cam can work out a more regular schedule. I honestly and sincerely wish you the best of luck in your burgeoning acting career. You're an engaging and hilarious guy. You'll find success.
To Adam "Gator" Dan, you're amazing. You beat cancer and haters and your show on the Flawedcast Network is awesome. I really look forward to hearing it twice a week.
To Tom "Ryan Dangerfield" Roper, congrats. We're all wrestling fans, but you had the balls to step up and participate. I really hope that you're able to break through and find mainstream success.
It was really fun to go up against all four of you in this thing. And again, thanks for not being dicks.
To Andy and Chris, there's no way I win this without you selling the shit out of my jokes, many of which were pretty lame. I appreciate it.
In closing, listen to the International House of Podcasting. Follow us on Twitter @ihoppodcast. E-mail us at IHOP@flawedcast.net. Like us on Facebook at facebook.com/IHOPpodcast.
Have fun. Play safe.
Spence Hopkins shiver shiver *snort* shiver
warriors. the gods have forsaken... the chosen one. my blood boils like it has made its bed in THE MICROWAVE OF SATAN! MY BODY SHIVERS LIKE A HAIRLESS ANTARCTICAN HOUSE CAT. MY BODY TREMBLES LIKE AUSTIN SANDERS WHEN HE TESTIFIED AGAINST JERRY SANDUSKY! MY EYES BURN LIKE THE GENITALS OF THE CENA! MY THROAT IS AS DRY AS VICKY GUERRERO'S SNATCH! MY TONGUE IS AS HAIRY AS A.J.'S BUSH! my hair feels like munchkins of hippocracy are poking at the EVER KNOWING FOLLICLES IN MY unyeilding cranium. MY FEET ARE ENRAGED, MY HANDS ARE POWERLESS! my chest caves in as though it plays baseball in a BLUE L.A. HAT! MY BOWELS ARE UNABLE TO COMPREHEND THE ENGULFING AMOUNT OF PRESSURE IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH! MY HANDS TREMBLE, MY LEGS ARE WEAK, MY BRAIN IS NUMB, IT'S SOOOOOOO COLD IN HERE, I'M BURNING ALIVE! MY FINGERNAILS ARE LEAKING, MY TOENAILS HAVE FORGOTTEN, MY BEARD HATH SHAVEN, MY EYEBROWNS YET FLOUNDER IN THE STENCH OF THE UNWILLING! my collar bone has received the PARANORMAL GUILT FROM WITHIN! THE BUGS CRAWL! ALAS, look away from...... your warrior. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GODS ARE NOT OF WHICH THE POWER THE WARRIOR..... so desperately craves. *Continues throwing darts at Papa Shango's face for throwing away his drug dealer's phone number*
See what the fuck you did Papa Shango? Leave the God Damn Warrior alone.
P.S. It happened, and there is no medication you can take to get rid of it. *Trademark*
Dustin Hawes Fuck Tony Danza by Dustin (Don't call me Faber) Hawes
Alright, so the king of the ring is in the books huh? Well, we've come a long, long way guys. Through thick and thin we have remained cordial and civil to each other the entire time. There is a strong bond we all share and I am glad to have been apart of it for so long. Haha, fuck you guys are stupid, I barely showed up here. However, some of these things remain true. The King of The Ring tourney was great and full of surprises and intrigue. Here is the thing though, we need more. So may I suggest an Elimination Chamber or Royal Rumble or a good old fashion WCW Wargames? Don't know how the fuck we can make it work but with all these intelligent minds in the same place/Flawedcast community we should be able to come up with something. Also, I would like to congratulate Billy Gunn Hodge on his incredible showing in the tournament. You pillaged and plundered James Ryan's orifices till the was no fluid left, and I am God Damn proud of you. However, I do suggest that you know when to cut your singles career short and not make the same mistakes that your predecessor under a very similar name made in the past. With that said, I would like to cordial extend an invitation to join me in my stable. Together, the Kroger Boys can reek havoc on the rest of the mailbag and perhaps become tag team champions of the Flawedcast Network for years to come. So join me, or don't join me. Whatever, I really don't give a shit. Kroger Boy 1 out
P.S. Here is a picture of Spence Hopkins current gimmick. Fuck you Spence, you cock pot rib eating bitch!
P.P.S. I also found a childhood photo of Austin Sanders....
Stu Little Long Live The King!
ALL HAIL KING HODGEY!
ALL HAIL KING HODGEY!
ALL HAIL KING HODGEY!
ALL HAIL KING HODGEY!
ALL HAIL KING HODGEY!
ALL HAIL KING HODGEY!
Okay, enough of that shit. Congratulations Michael. A most deserved victory. It must feel like winning the Stanley Cup, only you know, with actual meaning(I only played NHL Hockey on the Genesis for the ability to knock the goalies out with slap shots and start brawls).
Scott used the one joke I had about SmackDown(thanks for inviting him on the show, jerks), so I'll just go straight onto Raw.
Was I the only person hoping that AJ's Coach was actually going to be THE Coach, Jonathan Coachman? That's Michael Cole's obnoxious announcer gimmick done RIGHT, and it'd give them a chance to get some more use out of one of the three dozen entrance themes that they made up for him during his tenure. It would have certainly been better than the guy they went with. Did you know they actually had a poll on wwe.com asking if you thought that guy's influence did any good for AJ? Yeah, standing there and not saying anything was clearly having a big impact.
Big Show and Sheamus had a debate. I dunno what the topic for it was meant to be, except maybe "Is this a worse idea than Nowinski/Steiner?". Also, when they announced it, the graphic had the american flag in the background, so...were we supposed to automatically side with the Big Show over the Irish guy? Because Show did pretty much make the most sense when he said "This has no reason to happen". It had no reason to happen, but there was nothing we could do about it.
Santino took on Heath Slater, who was backed up by the other members of his faction, um...The Ayr Sitar Heroes? And I have to echo the confusion about Jinder Mahal's presence here. Not because of his race, mind you. But because of his uselessness. At least Slater and McIntyre have been tag and Intercontinental champion respectively, what's Mahal accomplished? He didn't even try to charm Santino's Cobra by playing a flute and having a wicker basket handy.
Finally, on a more serious note:
Breast Cancer doesn't care if you had other plans
It doesn't care if you're about to get married
It doesn't care if you have a family
It doesn't care if you're a mother, grandmother, best friend or a daughter
It doesn't care if your car takes diesel or unleaded
It doesn't care if you like milk in your coffee
It doesn't care if you're from New Jersey
It doesn't care if you watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo
It doesn't care if you paid Papa Shango for a protection spell
And it doesn't care if you have a penis.
For an initiative that's meant to be about raising awareness for this disease, they don't seem to want to mention the fact that men can contract it too. Admittedly, in a much, much, much smaller amount of cases, but still I think this calls for a storyline involving one of the male wrestlers. Like maybe Brodus Clay. "Somebody Check My Mammaries!" Cancer- it's not just for women and Adam Dan.
Dustin Faber The pinnacle of failure
I feel like Warrior holding the WWE title and IC title at WrestleMania, only without the cocaine binge and fondling of small children afterwards.
Being a champion on MNF carries certain responsibilities. A lot is expected of me! I've noticed that in great emails, there are jokes, recaps, skits, wrestling questions and degrading others. I will attempt all of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
( . )( . ) BOOBIES!
Let's start with a joke or two
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We'd better straighten up or they're gonna think we're nuts!
Up next, I will do a recap of my own.
Hey everyone! It's your network's only Monday Night Flaw fan here with your MNF recap! Now cue CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM'S MUSIC!
We started the show off with the voice of a Canadian God. Wait that's no God, it's Scott Taylor! He, Andy and Chris talk about some inside stuff that nobody cares about before getting to the recaps.
All three men recapped a show that they had never seen. Chris liked the Diva's match, Andy thought Del Rio beating up Orton was great, and Scott bitched about TNA not having any decent women. Oh irony! Five stars for not having cable and not being able to receive TNA programming!
Then they talked about TNA and Scott read his own recap. Five starz for PROSE!
Then they talked about RAW. And everyone laughed and had a good time. The end.
OMG I'm gonna ask a real wrestling question! What move do you think is cooler, a DDT or a spinebuster? What does DDT stand for? Does the spine buster really bust your spine? WHY DOES SPAGHETTI HAVE SUCH A STUPID NAME?
Allright, sorry about that frog in my throat. Speaking of things in people's throats, I'd like to hear some words from our sponsor.
(INSERT Brawndo commercial)
One thing I really love about MNF is the sketches that Chris and Andy do. So I've composed one for you both to perform. Andy will play the role of Random Guy #3, and Chris will play the part of Cam Gullett. Lights, camera (hahaha like we can afford one of those!), Action!
Cam: Hey. Random Guy #3: Hey. Cam: I'm lonely. Do you want to be my friend? RG3: No.
Finally, there is a man who is intercontinental champion. He is Dustin Faber. And he is totes retarded! I am a horrible person, and an even worse human being. The greatest thing that could have ever happened to this world is if my mom had used a coat hanger.
(Puts gun in mouth and pulls trigger)
Love, Dustin Faber
P.S. That was a water gun btw. Like I'm stupid enough to die in a podcast!
Austin Sanders (ed. note- left out of voting by request) *Warning. This is Not a funny Email. I'm serious.This will ruin the flow of the show. I can understand if you skip this. I just had to let it out somehow*
***And no, that tag line dosn't lead to any kind of joke. This is a real thing that happened to me this week. Or to be more accurate, what happened to one of my old friends whos name will not be mention due to the respect of such great friend. So if you don't want to ruin ANY kind of funny momentum you have right now, I'm serious. Move on. You have been seriously warned. I understand that this is a funny jokey show, But I'm going to talk about some real life shit out of frustration, anger, helplessness, and sadness. If you DO so happen to keep reading, the only thing I would appreciate is if there are any spelling or grammar errors, please do not make fun of them as this isn't the time to due so. I think it's good to air out some frustration in a way other than physical violence. There's a message in this email, and it'll also explain why I'm not contributing to this email show for only a little while. Thank you and if you choose to continue, please proceed.***
So I'm talking as Austin Sanders and Not the TheTallOne that attempts to entertain every week.....aside from last week of course. I want to kinda rant about-
"TheTallOne"- SUP FAGGO- *Gets shot in the Leg*
Yeah, lay low this week buddy. You're the kind of person I'm just wanting to kill right now.
ANYWAY, on to the seriousness. If you know who I really am, then you would know that I'm not the gay hating machine that emails in every week. In fact, in high school, I was part of this club called "the alliance". In wrestling, that's a shity storyline, but in my school, it was a club for people (gay OR straight) who promote gay rights and fight the people who either think that it's a choice or who just hate gays for pretty much no reason except for outdated religious beliefs. We would have a couple different events that would represent the gay community. Our favorite was "The day of silence" where all school day, if you had a sticker over your mouth that said "silence", you didn't have to speak for the rest of the school day. At the last bell, we would tear off our stickers and scream as loud as we could for as LONG as we could. This symbolized that it was not ok to be kept in the closet because of fear or ridicule from others, and instead be honest with who you really are.One of my long long long time buddies also recently revealed to some of his friends on the street he was gay. And after he revealed his long hidden secret to his closest friends...
He was stabbed and murdered...by his "best friends."
Needless to say, I cracked the nearest wall with all the power my fist could provide after discovering this from an instant message on Facebook from another """""friend"""". After he tells me the news, I didn't answer for an hour. After finally cooling down, I asked when his funeral was. I got back this.
"IDC, good riddance to that queer. lol"
Good thing that idiot lives in Texas. Cause I have no problem subjecting every nightmare inducing torture to his gutless soul, and then...end him.
Why? I just don't know why? Because people live in fear and hatred and all they can think about is making someones life EVEN WORSE than theirs.Who gets up in the fucking morning and the first thought on their minds was "Oh man those gay people, they're gonna get it. And if I hear a peep from ONE MORE gay person.....bam." That's my friend he killed. And I don't even get the fucking decency to be informed by someone who knows how to treat a death. No, I get a pompus ass, who obvious dosn't know that "the right to free speech" DOSN'T FUCKING MEAN "THE RIGHT TO TAKE ANOTHER LIFE BECAUSE THEY DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I THINK!" STUPID, STUPID, STUPID GUTLESS COWARD! THAT MURDERER TOOK MY FUCKING FRIEND YOU GODDAMN IDIOT. I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT CONGRATS! YOU MADE AN ENTIRE FAMILY SUFFER. I DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE!
This is why I love Dustin. He's religious, but dosn't pull out the book and jam it in your face or, even better, hates ANY kind of person WHAT SO EVER. Dustin, YOU'RE the living example of acceptance. And for that, I thank you.
There's a reason why I'm telling you this. Not just because I want to air out any kind of frustration. By the time I'm typing this, on a Wendsday night, I heard of this news 2 days ago. I'm not comfortable writing a "gay hating email" for awhile. So this was ALSO to tell you that I'm probably going to be absent from the show for a little while. Again, I'm sorry that I had to "get real" on this podcast here. I just think it's important to know that there's a difference between joking and legit hating.Even if TheTallOne is just a joking around version of me, I'm not prepared to make any kind of hurtful joke at this time. He's the embodiment of what I hate right now. I created him, and I can take him away too.
I loved the man who was killed as one of MY best friends.RIP to him. And I will continue to show support to his family through this difficult time. And my first step is to kill off this Hate spewing bastard I created. *looks at TheTallOne as he whimpers in pain. Aims a gun at his heart*
Like that Catholic who speaks whimsically, I am going to ramble nonsensically. Maybe punshouse will give more votes, To the guy who calls himself Cliff Snotes.
I am a worm. I am a maggot. I will call everyone else a faggot. I will speak loud. I WILL SHOUT IT. And there is nothing you can do about it.
I am sorry. This was a terrible idea. Blame Scott Taylor.
I want to get your take on something... I heard some rumors that the WWE is really coming down hard on controlling the "outside interests" of their superstars. This started with Kelly Kelly, as she had some outside modeling and wanted the freedom to do that. I don't really care about Kelly Kelly, but it quickly led to rumors that both Edge and Chris Jericho are in the doghouse with WWE for not 100% sticking to the party line. Apparently Edge hasn't or won't sign the WWE Legends contract as it's written. Had he signed it, he wouldn't be allowed to appear at a Tommy Dreamer indy show. And now Beth Phoenix is in the doghouse by association. As for Jericho, apparently the WWE doesn't like him having all his outside interests, including Fozzy! It sounds like the WWE actually wants Jericho to bring his band under the WWE umbrella, or they won't re-sign him, which has to be the most ridiculous negotiation I can think of. I actually think the WWE should go the other way, and ENCOURAGE these people to have outside interests.
I am Cliff Snotes.
JB King Return of the (other) King
Hello again to Moose Dick and the Howling Monkey. I have returned after a small break. I apologize for last week. I was under the impression that James Ryan was a responsible human being who didn’t procrastinate and leave a shitty email ready for air. I went through hell and back (literally…thanks Chris and Andy) to give the best emails I could this summer and now the Fall season for JB King goes on a whimper. Thanks James. But don’t bother trying to give criticism to an ‘art school kid’, its fucking pointless. That sassy hipster knows what works, or at least that’s what he tells me. Then again, this is the same guy that thought a 6 ½ hour Creep show didn’t need “cleaning up”. Sorry for throwing you under the Enright there Ja-Ry. Love you and still hope to do a real live recap with you and Andy some week.
By the way, it seems we can no longer go to our comedy ‘cash cow’ James Enright. Oh well, I guess Andy has gotten softer than Dustin Faber’s dick while driving past a Planned Parenthood office. You who else gave great abortions? Papa Shango. He just casted a spell and boom! Vomiting vaginas!
Back to the topic at hand, I guess I will honor MNF’s code and will leave James Enright alone. I had a joke about how James’ teeth are so crooked he could bite an apple through a fence, but I won’t. I could have said he has the proportions of a being a beanbag chair, but I can’t. And I was going to ask how could a guy with a head that big and glasses that thick could be so stupid, but I refuse. Great Pumpkin jokes? Not this Halloween I suppose. But it’s ok, in memory of your mockery I will go to a local Dairy Farm and tip over the nearest bovine when I can.
I’m glad Chris finally dropped the “King Slayer” gimmick. I was about to call you out on it. Because (and sorry for stealing your bit Jon Drouin but) YOU SEE CHRIS~
I find it odd that you of all people want to called the king slayer. How on earth can Chris call himself the king slayer, when I have practically brought him to the edge of multiple heart attacks caused from laughter. Seriously, go to the tapes we all remember them. So remember, don’t give yourself title unless there is some merit to it. (The More you Know NBC Chime)
But I digress, I hope you at least man-up’d and turned in a Booboo recap. Pretty ironic how you decided to be a caring father when it was most convenient to you, hmmm. Then again, I don’t blame you for dodging the show. Until Andy (or anyone else for that matter) watches it, they will never know. It’ll be our Vietnam.
Scott just wanted to say you did a great job this week on the recap but you might want to blow your nose before reading it. You sounded a little nasally there. Also, I find it funny that you accused me a borrowing too much of your material for my BooBoo recaps, only for you to drag my “technical difficulties” joke to the ground this week. Sheesh, take it easy Ramano Mencia.
Hodgey congrats! I feel bad for him knowing the only redeeming prize he got was a plug for his show. Yeah, because Andy and Chris never plug other shows on this network…EVER. Christ, is that all he gets? Good to know half of the contestants didn’t have a show to plug if we won. Congrats to JB KING! Let’s plug his imaginary Komedy Korner. Yeah, that’s proof that Andy doesn’t say ‘yes’ to every idea on this network. It’s probably because I’m Italian (or whatever race Andy guesses wrong about me this week) and he’s a racist jerk face.
Also congrats to Dustin Faber for being the second person to ever win both belts in the same night! I’ve noticed from your recent emails you are already on the cocaine, so your Ultimate Warrior gimmick is working just fine. But let me ask you something Dustin, can you keep up? Will you falter and crash like Austin Sanders? Will you have a downfall like I did when I was on the coke? How far will you push the limits of your emails AND your perceptions of reality? Knowing you have spewed such hatred each week, how can you live with yourself sir? You know as well as anybody the guilt you feel when staring into your daughter eyes wondering “Is the best example I am setting?” The answer is no Dustin. It will come to the point where you will be making these odd proclamations at work. Because talking about Snuffiluficus piercing your penis with a Funyun on live radio is clearly frowned upon in Pennsylvania. They are a Frito state anyway. So just be careful, love you champ.
I was going to mention Austin Sanders and his band of retarded men, but mentioning them would require me to give a shit about those birth defected mutants that work at Denny’s, which clearly I don’t. I already cut a check to Saint Jude’s hospital, so they can go back to huffing paint in the back of hardware store and bothering the homeless like poor Adam Dan or Papa Shango.
Holy shit is this a wrestling show? FUCK NO! But let’s believe it is anyway!
So it looks like you guys are still bummed about the whole team Hell No fiasco. Christ, if this is how you guys are going to be when your favorite interest loses remind me to stay the fuck away after the election this year. Anyway, it’s not all bad because ~YOU SEE CHRIS
We live in a democratic society where the people (I.E. the WWE universe) have the right and privilege to decide what they want. You may be one vote but they were many. And even with this name given, that is not going to stop Daniel Bryan, Kane and Dr. Shelby from making awesome segments and matches. As a matter of fact, you can see their awesome shirts right here! Take a look.
So don’t be pissy, soon you will forget about this and just continue to enjoy the people behind the tag team and not just the name. (The More you Know NBC Chime)
Onto the questions!
Question One: Was WWE really that ‘respected’ in the Attitude Era? I know the term overrated, overhyped, or over appreciated it tossed around on the former generation of wrestling. But WWE back then was pretty low ball and sleazy. If shows like The Soup were around back then do you think they would have pushed/lowered the bar the way they did? Val Venis getting his peepee chopped off. May Young giving birth to Adam Dan. Trish being belittled by Vince and being forced to bark like a dog. Katie Vick. Just wanted your thoughts.
Question Two: Heath Slater has a stable? Really? They are a living breathing bar joke. A ginger, and Scotsmen and a sandnnnn-nevermind walk into a bar. I guess we need to come up with names for the stable. The Entourage maybe? The Band? J.O.B. Squad 2012? Team Friendship (no one is taking that one). Just wanted to know what you’d like to call them before the WWE Universe gives them the name ‘Slater and the haters’ or some stupid like that. Also, do you see anything good coming from this stable?
Question Three: Fantasy (League) Booking. I know some of you are in the midst of either loving or hating your fantasy football league choices right now. By the way Stu, you might want to just go ahead and play FIFA for about 10 minutes or so while I ask this. Anyway, the big PPV is coming soon and would want to know who would you bench and who would you keep in? Imagine this fantasy league each wrestler is awarded points for victories as well as putting on a great match with little to no botches as well as an interesting angle to it. I’m sure Dolph Ziggler would be an interesting choice, he would earn a lot of points for making a 4-5 star matches but you have to remember it’s Dolph Ziggler, so he probably won’t win and lose out on a lot of points. Sheamus, while constantly winning suffers from poor opponent choices and shitty angles and sub-par matches. So outside of CM Punk or Cena, who would make an excellent fantasy league wrestler from here til’ next Wrestlemania and why?
And that does it for this week. And in honor of this week’s new segment, I learned something today~
(South Park serious piano music)
Originally, when I mocked AJ Lee about her supposed massive bush, I did it for a cheap laugh. Surely a little girl with shorts like that couldn’t possibly have gigantic thick bird’s nest covering that slanted vagina. Alas, I discovered something beautiful about her. Something I can never look away from. For you see gentlemen, AJ Lee…
Hey fucknauts and bitch divers. My name is Spence Hopkins *Randy Orton voice* and I'm here to fuck your moms and film you fathers crying. I invite each and everyone to hate on me and I'll even make it easy for you. I live very near Salt Lake City around a lot of mormons......... YES! MORMONS! Also, I am a Miami Dolphin fan, so yes I am very stupid too. As for Brodus Gay and the Rectaldactyls and by Brodus Gay and the Rectaldactyls I mean Austin Saunders and his diverse collection of dildo clad pillow pets...... Fuck you. Im out bitches. Spence
Adam Dan FARTS
WHERE DEM FARTS BE AT?!? I WANT DEM FARTS! I NEED DEM FARTS!
P.S. Austin Sanders is a stupid fart face.
Stu Little CONSPIRACY~!
Hey Andy, The Jinxer and all you ungrateful bastards also listening, I can't believe you all fell for Hodgey's efforts to glorify his nation of snow monkeys and belittle my country's achievements. Yes, our national animal is the Unicorn. So what? We're secure enough in our masculinity to make that choice. Yours is the Beaver. Overcompensating much? Or is it just a reflection of how much you guys enjoy the taste of wood in your mouth?
Scots brought the world -TV -The Telephone (which the Canadian Inventions wikipedia page tried to sneakily claim because Alexander Graham Bell happened to be living there at the time) -Penicillin -Radar -The flushing toilet -The refridgerator -The Bicycle -The Bank of England (yeah, you heard me) -The original Sherlock Holmes novels -The current modern Sherlock tv series (Starring BENEDICT. CUMBERBATCH.) and of course, Triple Distilled Wiskey
Canada brought the world -The 56k modem(obsolete, plus it wouldn't work without...The Telephone!) -The Pager(yeah, that'll go nicely with my Walkman and Flock of Seagulls albums) -The Walkie Talkie, which is just a shittier version of a radio -Sonar (who fights using submarines any more?) -Andrew "Test" Martin I rest my case.
Actually, I don't blame the voters, because really, who actually believes this was their doing? Kind of a strange "coincidence" that the forum was down due to an "attack" by "Anonymous" on "GoDaddy.com". Was it an attack or just a coverup to allow Nate Corbitt to rig the polls, as payback for me kicking him around all those times?
When Otunga was making his argument to have the Brogue Kick banned, he called the move "Unnatural". Should we expect a comment from Mitt Romney soon where he states that he considers a finishing move something between and man's arms and an opponent's body? Also, what was up with the camera angles during that legal proceeding video. Did they think they were making Michael Clayton or something?
Team Friendship is indeed awesome, and I hope we get a full blown Friendship themed entrance music and video for a joint entrance with the two of them. Andy, Chris, if you were a tag team, you're name would be Team...what? Team 9/11?
Kicking people in head, picking fights with veterans, having a really close shaved haircut, being a self-satisfied asshole...isn't CM Punk basically doing Randy Orton's heel persona a hundred times better than he ever could? "My name....is C.............M Punk.........................and I'm.............the best...........................in the world.........."
That's all for this week guys. Take care.
Dustin Faber Hey guys!!!!!
Lawler's heart attack was scary. Barring death, what are the three scariest things you've seen in wrestling.
In Mick Foleys first autobiography, he said some things. What are some books you'd like to see from current Wwe wrestlers.
This morning, I ate frosted flakes for breakfast, but was bummed out bc they weren't Golden Grahams. What is one Wrestlemania match you liked but thought it would be better if one opponent was different?
I am stupid. If I was a lollipop, I'd be a dumdum. Who do you think the dumbest IRL WWE wrestler is?
I think that's all. Oh one more question. Punk mentioned WCW on Monday. What is your favorite romantic comedy?
P.S. If Austin Sanders doesn't win, we riot.
P.P.S. Austin Sanders is cooler than Miles Davis.
P.P.P.S. I love you. Not really that sounded gayz lol
P.P.P.P.S WTF AM I DOING WRITING PPPPS I SOUND LIKE A LOOSER! YES I SPELLED IT WRONG IN HONOR OF JB KING WHO DOED WATCHING HONEY BOO BOO FOR US OMG I AM IN PAIN I MISS LING SO MUCH PLEASE COME BACK FROM THE GRAVE YOU SILLY GOOSE WE NEED YOU LIKE SCOOBY DOO NEEDS AN ICE MACHINE.
Dustin Faber Part tooooooo!
Andy I love your impressions. What would it sound like if Gallagher and Tracy Morgan fought over El Serpiente at a gay bar?
Oh and I was totally serious about Austin Sanders. That man could be the next John Grisham.
Dustin Faber Finally!
(Insert promo for Flawedcast, the funniest podcast around!)
JB King BEST IN THE WORRRRRLLLLLLLDDDDD!!!!
Hello to Andy and the “King Slayer”, had no idea Dustin Faber was the co-host now.
Thank you again for the music Andy. That’s right everyone’s favorite dead illiterate racist is now the cunt of personality. Get it, a midcarder that has a name consisting of two initials and a 4 letter last name that spoke his mind and won the world title? No, neither do I, fuck it. Anyway, don’t worry I will not pull a Cliffsnotes with this gimmick. It’s just temporary and unlike Jon, I tend to make it funny. I have been champion for an astonishing 408…hours and I still can’t headline a fucking male bag. Injustice I tell you! But I will not stop, I will continue to bring the emails by my accord because it is the right decision. This won’t be as big of a mistake as when I directed my strait to DVD Muhammad movie.
(its 14 minutes, so just watch it afterwards)
Well guys, I’m still stuck here in hell, thanks for that comment Andy. It’s not as bad as you think Hell could be. Plus I am running into a lot of familiar faces around here. I got to meet Hitler and Neil Armstrong (yup he made it to…total kid toucher). Lots of Koreans too. It’s a lot like that Gangnam Style video but without the dancing, just sodomy, lots and lots of sodomy. Speaking of which, Cam, your mom says hello. She is quite comfortable down here. You can also find James Enright’s dignity and Andy’s 13 year old son down here too. He’s quite the football player. Bad news, it’s European football. The big surprise came when Jerry Lawler came down here for quick visit. We plan on seeing him again very soon!
The worst part about hell is currently the only channel we get down here is “Here Comes Honey Booboo” marathons. Thank Satan we are playing the Dolphins this week though. By the way Chris, I will do another recap if we lose again. Was the first recap everything you hoped for? Well I hope so because it felt like I was being water boarded by Magic Johnsons blood. Anyway, I’m willing to spice up this bet. Andy, Chris, if my team wins this week and your team loses, then YOU guys will have to recap the next Honey BooBoo. What do you say guys?
Also, with Jerry Lawler almost dying, the anti-Semitism jokes, and black persecution…I’m glad my fanfic got picked up by the writing staff. But we will get to wrestling in a second.
Ok, now onto the mutants. James Enright, thank you. You did something that few people can say they did. And no, I am not talking about you shutting down a local Golden Corrales. I’m talking about making our group of misfits come together to stand up against the menacing fat evil that was your drunken tirade this weekend on facebook. Seriously tubby, who takes facebook seriously? You accused me of going strong. How strong? Army Strong apparently. But sure enough, Andy, James, Cam, Chris, Dan and many others came together to blow off your bullshit. James, you truly are the 9/11 of emailers. Our hatred for you keeps us united. Whether we are making fun of your weight, bad teeth or the way you sound during WTNY. By the way Andy, I think he sounds like that because he is eating while talking during a podcast. Except he eats from one of those horse feeding bags wrapped around his head. That could explain the distorted Echo effect. Again James, God bless.
Austin Sanders, enough of this horseshit. Come back to competitively emailing us every week. People may not admit it but we do indeed miss your foul mouthed tomfoolery. You have a fucking disorder and dammit we want to mock you for it ALL THE TIME. Please come back in full force, full time. If not, then I seriously hope you get raped. No, nothing fancy or extraordinary. Just raped. I hope a no named individual funnels your fudge tunnel. Now grow a pair or fuck off you piece of shit. Again God Bless.
Jon Drouin, please be funny again. We miss that.
Nicole, awesome email. I hope you destroy Austin Sanders and get into the nitty gritty of the male bag. Looking forward to more smackdown recaps and titty tourettes. Speaking of redheads with nice tits, let’s talk about Heath Slater. Am I the only one thinking Heath should beat Zack Ryder and steal his internet championship? I don’t know why but the conversation of Slater being like the anti-Ryder just made me have this thought. Shit, I just wasted a question.
Alright let’s get to the questions before Cam Gullet hacks this email account too.
Question One: Jerry Lawler, I can’t help but feel guilty. When I saw the live feed and heard Jerry snoring during the tag match, the first thing that came out of my mouth was “Christ I hate Lawler, just die or stop pretending to fall asleep during a match.” Boy did my face turn red faster than his did when I heard what happened. I’m glad he’s ok though. The worst part of all of this I know in my heart that this is going to be an angle one way or another. It fucking sucks knowing WWE will go this low again. Then again with B-A-STAR and the recent PG trend, do you really think they have the balls to make this an angle and run it into the ground?
Question Two: Just a quick question I need to ask from the Diva’s match. Time to play Kill, Marry, Fuck. Layla, Eve and Kaitlyn. Go.
Question Three: Now that we completely demoralized vaginas, let’s talk more about them! If you guys have kept up on NXT, you may have noticed some soon to be Divas working shows. On the other hand, Angelina Love, Velvet Sky and Winter have been released from TNA. My question is, while it’s nice to have home grown tramps work their way up, but maybe it’s easier hiring women wrestlers with experience. Should WWE consider hiring these three or stick to the home grown rookies?
That’s it for this week. Looks like your world champion has to step aside yet again to less deserving talent. Good luck to Cam and James. I have to get back to watching a 300 pound mother eat mayonnaise off a stick of butter (calm down James). Fuck this show I’m serious. Thanks Guys.
Best in the World (or at least for a few more days)
Love, Peace and Personality Grease.
Your World Champion
Hey Kingslayer, what say you use those powers to get rid of some Kings worth off-ing: Lebron James, Joffrie, or those hockey homos from LA. You are wasting your powers on Johnny Bellefield and LOLer? Aim higher motherfucker!!
You think it would be in bad taste if Punk came out at Night of Champions and said, "You come at the King, you best not miss. I'm talking to you heart attacks."
My opponent for this week is the Hollywood Homo, James Ryan. He is my brother from another mother and my cohost for Army of Dorkness. That won't stop me from railing him like the local 408 boys do me on a saturday night though.
James Ryan is a fan of the Doyers, the Lions, the Lakers, and the USC Trojans. Is this guy serious? At least the teams I picked BECAME hard to root for eventually. He chose 3 of the most insufferable teams to follow in the history of sports. He is also a Lions fans in case that one slipped by.
Jimmy "Jew-blower" Ryan fancies himself as the talented half of Army of Dorkness, wait, no that one is true. Moving on...
Are you guys aware that he is gay? I am. How else do you think we met?
Remember that time I fell asleep while listening to Wait Til Next Year? Well listen to their next episode to find out the full story. It's as riveting as listening to Jabba the Enright.
Am I the only one who thought it was a little fishy that Jerry LOLer had a heart attack with Bret Hart present?
"I did it for Kaufman" -Jerry's heart valves.
JB King thinks that me advancing for the final four means that this tournament is pointless? You're dead, and none of even sent flowers.
If Adam Dan somehow ends up winning this thing he will be the King Mable of MNF. At least I will be the Mr. Ass!!
As always, "The Dashing Franchise" Cam Gullett!
James Ryan RAWZ
Good evening MNFers! I'm back from my wonderful weekend vacation to the badlands of Fresno, California for a wedding and then tempted the fates by journeying into Yosemite National Park! I dare you to give me the Hantavirus!!!
Welcome to another heart stopping, pulse pounding, arm numbing 3 Hour Edition of RAW!!!
Phew, I'm a little out of breath from that intro!
Hold on. Time out. I think I need to take a breather or something.
Ok, which one of you assholes killed James Ryan? I am trying to play a nice game of Poker with Hitler, myself and Steve Jobs down here in hell and he is becoming quite irritating. Yeeesh. Oh wait, never mind. It looks like James is heading back to you guys now. Guess the hospital found out he had insurance and wasn't Mexican. Anyway, now you guys can deal with him. Give 'em Hell James. Boy was that a poor choice of words on my part...
James Ryan I'm back!
Wait? What am I doing in this hospital bed? I gotta get out of here, I have a Male Bag email to complete!!!
This medical misstep has taken my time and attention from a Live Emailing of RAW,. In the struggle to regain my life, I have seemed to left my notes behind, so I'll just hit on some points.
Cam Gullett did a great job with his racial jokes during his deposition segment on RAW. And in standard Cam fashion, his jokes bombed harder than the Chris Alt's Pizza Hut Joke!
In "The Skit That Wouldn't End", Otunga said that the Brogue Kick "causes extreme nerve damage and tingling of the extremities of your victims?" Lawler?
I guess The King didn't drink his 5 Hour Energy, but that's for later!
SANDBLAST OF THE EMAIL! Austin Sanders, the only positive thing about you and your emails is your HIV status. But please, continue submitting them, you diseased Haitian prostitute!
Tell your mom when she gets over her UTI to page me because I'd like to give her another one. #cranberryjuice
In this weeks show, Chris Alt asked, and I quote, "What does John Drouin gotta do to get a little love from you guys?"
ANSWER: "Die in a fiery automobile crash." The Universe has spoken, ladies and gentlemen!!!!
Is Brodus Clay legitimately retarded? He just said "Wassup?" to CM Punk and stood there grinning off into the distance. He really sounded like South Park's Jimmy. #TVforVendetter
Speaking of fat people, we, the emailers of MNF Male Bag need to stop bullying James Enright. This has gone on too long. He's has enough on his plate as it is already.
DID YOU KNOW: The Enright Family is known as the Minnesota Wrecking Crew, on account of the amount of Buffets they've destroyed across the Mid Western states!
I love TEAM FRIENDSHIP!!! Thankfully it's not Team Brony! However, I still think they should be the name I suggested last week, The Brothers of YEStruction!
And now we've come to the part of RAW that gets a little crazy:
I hear loud audible breathing from someone behind the announce desk. Either Jerry Lawler just ran a 10K or he is suffering a legit heart attack.
Or the breathing is coming James Enright after he thought about exercising. #NotGoinHappenPassMeTheGravyBoat
Suddenly The Hart Foundation has jumped the guard rail and has attacked Jerry Lawler!!! Oh my god, it's pandemonium!!!! Bret Hart has been playing the part of "Verbal Kint" since his final days in WCW!! #OMGSWERVE!!!!
The Harts are jumping on King and destroying him! They have finally got revenge on Lawler since his Anti-Stu and Helen Rants!!! Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Bruce Hart, Keith Hart, Dean, and OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!!! Stu and Owen Hart have repelled from the rafters!!!! THEY'RE BACK!!!! Also...what's this?!? Brian "Crush" Adams, Stan Stasiak, and Ox Baker has joined in on the beatdown!!! The Masters of the Heart Punch have reunited for the First time ever!!! Dr. Death Steve Williams has also hit the announce area to bring down the King!
Meanwhile, back to real life, it seriously looks like that Heart Punch that Ox Baker delivered on Lawler in 1978 has slowly but surely found its mark. Ox Baker, everyone, known as the "Methodical Master of the Glacial Speeded Offense" #ObscureProWrestler! #DontCallMeShirley
I find it ironic that for someone who's looked like a puffed up, meat sweated, red faced, baby-faced man since he got behind the Monday Night Raw desk that tonight is his first career heart attack. #CallBittyforAdvice
That being said, I am glad to hear that Lawler is alive and recovering. He apparently was dead for 20 minutes and it took 7 shocks from the defibrillator to wake him up. #LIVEDAMNYOULIVE
Though, this would have been the perfect week for Michael Cole to do his best Clint Eastwood RNC impression!
"So I’ve got The King sitting here and I just was going to ask him a couple of questions. But you know, I remember 17 months ago when Mr. Lawler lost his Wrestlemania match and, no, I wasn’t a big supporter..." #VincesIdeaofCrashTV
Enough of these shenanigans, I've recovered from my mysterious heart attack to give it my all for my King of the Ring match against Cam Gullet!
Now that I've got that out of the way. Cam, when I first spoke to you before and on our first episode of Army of Dorkness, I really did believe your entire vocabulary is solely based on the words, "Uh", "Umm" and the ever popular, "Yeah". Over the months of knowing you, I have come to believe that in my heart of hearts that you are a racist, insensitive, mouth breathing troglodyte, but the bottom line is, you're my racist, insensitive, mouth breathing troglodyte of a broadcast colleague, and I wouldn't have it any other way. When I realize who I could have been paired with in the beginning of this podcast fun, I would have probably shot myself after one episode.
I will leave you with this quote from the late, great Hunter S. Thompson, which I feel best describes you from my point of view sometimes.
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."
Have a great show,
James Ryan "The Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network"