Greetings and salutations, Andrew and Christopher, esteemed compatriots. Or are you? For I feel somewhat slighted this day by the peculiar transpiring of events that occurred on the recap show this week. One moment, I was declared the undisputed victor of the World Championship Bout, by the reckoning of both of you gentlemen. A binding decree, surely? Alas, it was not! For following the departure of Mr. Alt, the decision was changed I was denied my one score of victories and instead placed into an impasse with James Ryan. I do not blame you for this Christopher, for you had been present to the announcement of my win and thus should have been free to go about your business, be it academic, familial, or professional. If one was a more paranoid individual, one would suspect this was a deliberate outcome engineered by your cohort, Andrew. It is undeniable that I am the most enduring contributor to this humble programme, and the numerous tiebreakers that have become common recently have no doubt bolstered the marquee appeal of the episodes. Is it not possible- nay, PROBABLE that Andrew saw an opportunity to further increase the drawing power of the show by engineering a rap battle? Nonetheless I will endeavour to do my best, but I demand a formal inquiry into the matter following this episode!
Before I move on, I'd like to say to Christopher...REJOICE! For hark, the latest instalment of one of your favourite periodicals has been published!
Commiserations to Bartow Florida for his failure to capture the tag team championships. Your premeditated murder of a member of an endangered species was all for naught, it seems. You cannot truly even take credit for that either, for clearly the voodoo practices of James Ryan are ultimately the cause of Crispin's downfall. Lest you point out that James' curse came AFTER the dinosaur's fate, I would remind you that Crispin came from the future, and thus James technically cursed him before he was even born. Wibbly Wobbly, Timey Wimey, and such. With that said, it is perhaps for the best that this happened. Given how Loftberg's arm size was found wanting, I doubt he would have found much success in any attempts towards levitating, brother.
Between the above tag team victory and my upcoming quest for the World Title, I will NOT be competing for the Intercontinental Championship. So worry not, Demko. Your mewling quim of a wife has no cause to fear besmirchment from me, be it through insults or an insistence that she return to the scullery to prepare us refreshments of a bread and filling nature.
Ms. Leesa Kern, I hope you do contribute more to this show, and that your compliments on my accent are not part of a Pagan scheme to kidnap me for a virgin sacrifice.
To the gentleman known as "Big D". Assuming you are not Austin Sanders using an alias, I have a rebuttal for several of your remarks. For one, I am not Irish. I am a Celt of the Caledonian nature. Secondly, the physical proportions of my reproductive system are no business of yours and your fixation on such is cause for concern on my part. Thirdly, I do not possess follicles that produce hair of a crimson hue be it on my scalp, pubic area or anywhere else on my anatomy. For that you would have to consult my friend Camish McGullett:
So in closing, sir, I would suggest you cease attempting to provoke conflict. I wish you no ill, but should I be pressed to a sufficient degree, I am more than capable of visiting grievous harm upon your person, you ill-mannered, misanthropic ragamuffin. An amusingly distracting ill-mannered, misanthropic ragamuffin, but an ill-mannered, misanthropic ragamuffin all the same.
If you want my opinion on the new WWE Title, it is the following (no, not the Kevin Bacon television show of the same name, but the subsequent statement): it is technically superior to the old one, but still resembles something that would be carried around by an eight year old(compose yourself, Brian).
With all these matters addressed, now we get to the business of the World Championship and how I must (under duress) compete in a battle rap. Hmm. I understand, I have displayed an efficacy in rhyming so great as to be paradoxically described as "ill", so it behooves me to comply. Though it will require me to shed my more civil ways to adopt the "Scott Land" persona as I am wont to do in such circumstances as this. Just let it be known James that I don't mean anything I say...well accept the bit about you being a terrible actor. *clears throat*
VOODOO KILT MAFIA: THE CIVIL WAR!
ARMY OF DORKNESS VS. ARMY NEAR LOCH NESS!
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah-
Scott Land is hear to beat down the Golden Voice, He'll be wishing soon his mama had been more Pro Choice, I hope this match won't deal our team too big a rift, Cos when I'm done with you bro, you won't even lift, You can dress as Papa now, and try to bring me scares, But I'll be left standing, to tell you "Who cares"!
Rapping, just like acting, is something you will botch, You're gonna end the night alone, weeping in your Scotch, Better quit now, your meat is all you'll beat, But what do you expect? You've got an alias called "Skeet"! Got the edge now, gonna peel you like an oh-range, Golden Voice? Bitch please! You ain't got no range!
You can't even sing, I've seen pics of your dance, You look like Nate Corbitt is scurrying in your pants, PUNSHOUSE.COOOOOM, that is my house, I've got all the cheese, that's why they call me Mouse, Try to bring up kilts, or even dare say Haggis, I'll lock you up with Cam, and you'll see who the f*g is!
Stuart William Little BSc
P.S. You're Welcome.
James Ryan Rap time
Uh! Uh! Yeah, uh, uh, turn that beat up. Yeah! Uh! Yeah, I can't hear the beat in my headphones. Turn that beat up, I'm serious. Yeah, I'm goin' drop it like this. 1, 2, 1, 2. Here I come, ya'll ready? Uh! Put some bass in the beat, yeah! Where's my snare?!? Like that, son! Y'all ready? Uh! Uh! This single bout to go double Uranium! Uh! This how it goes! Yeah!
My name is James And I'm here to say Stuart Little is totally gay.
Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg Poles on Poles on Poles!
Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg here with my tag team partner Bart Florida as THE BEDROCK AND COCK CONNECTION, and we're ready for a gay-ass tag-team streetfight! How did you guys know that my favorite match was a pole match (well, to be fair, I do just love anything with poles!) With a Pole on the pole too! That's just great because I don't know if you guyth knew this, but Bart Florida is himself a quarter Polish! And I regularly consume and force myself on Polish men, so this is gonna be great!
Just so the Voodoo Kilt Mafia know what they're dealing with, here is an arsenal of my signature moves: - The GTS (Gay Taco Stuffer) - The Sphincterbreaker - Full Nelson to Butt Rape - Air Rape - The STF (Super Tyrannosaur Fluffer) - The Dick Breaker - The RKO (Raptor Kock Offer) - The Dick Crushing Finale - The Brontosaurus Buster - The Ass Splash - The MasterCock - The CockSwitch - The Cockseeker - The Dick Zag - Future Cock DDT - The Punjabi Plunge (not the one you're thinking of, I just anally violate an Indian boy in-ring) - and don't forget our patented tag team finisher: The Bedrocker Cockerknocker Orville Redenbacher Cock Knock!
So as you can see, my cock-based move arsenal is something to fear! One thing that Stu won't be after this match is a virgin anymore! THAT'S RIGHT STU, I KNOW YOUR SPECIAL E-MAILING POWERS COME FROM YOUR VIRGINITY, AND I WILL STEAL THAT POWER FROM YOU WITH LOTS OF UNPLEASANT BUTTSEX!
Oh, and you Papa Shango, I've been waiting to get into the ring with you! I have a thing for large black men who I refer to as Papa who have a vested interest in my "black circle". BUT THIS BLACK CIRCLE IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU! YOU AIN'T READY FOR THIS JELLY!
Oh, boy, that Ivan Putski fellow looks just sooooo dreeeeaaaammmmyyyyy. He looks so lonely up there! I must get up on that pole! (Another comment I often make at around three in the morning). Alright here I go, watch my back Bartow Florida!
Bartow Florida You just got poled! Right in the pole!
That's right, Crispin, I got your back! Especially against this no good team of foreigners who both have way too much involvement with virginity (one is a virgin, while the other liberally sacrifices them)! I assure you my team has absolutely nothing to do with virginity! (Seriously, that Loftberg guy is crazy, he sucked off five agrosauruses right before we came out here).
I must defend my Polish brethren and get him off of that pole! Wait, what's that!?!?! What's going on up there!?!?!? *As Bartow notices the pole shaking he looks up, and MY GOD! CRISPIN BRADLEY THE HAMMER LOFTBERG HAS TAKEN PUTSKI OFF THE POLE, BUT PUT HIM ON TOP OF ANOTHER, VERY VERY DIFFERENT POLE...)
DAMN YOU LOFTBERG! HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE MY POLISH BRETHREN!?!?! TIME FOR EXCTINITION! *Bartow runs towards the pole, knocking it down with a vicious CockKick! Crispin Bradley The Hammer Loftberg hurdles into the flaming depths of the lava below!*
THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE, IF THE YOU SO DECREE: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! I GOT MY HEEL TURN AND IT ONLY TOOK AN EXTREMELY CONVOLUTED GAY HIP HOP DINOSAUR GIMMICK TO DO IT (still more sensible than ADR's face turn...)! Now you know the kind of unexpected things and ridiculous headlines that can happen when you enter FLORIDA!
The Voodoo Kilt Mafia
Stu Little Sponsored By Quaker Oats
Hey guys, Well, what a week this has been. Harrison Ford's gonna be in Episode 7, that Chris Dorner thing happened, and The Pope up and quit. Whoever fills that job, we can all agree we can think of someone worse, right?
A couple of things from WWE this week: Mark Henry continued his return to inducting people into the Hall of Pain, and proved that NO ONE was safe:
Speaking of racism, Jack Swagger got a new manager, and boy was I surpised to see Wilford Brimley playing the role of Zeb Coulter. What's the matter, Wilf? Do you think immigrants are to blame for diabeetus too? He should get Swagger to feud with Antonio Cesaro over the life threatening properties of Swiss Chocolate. Just imagine it. JR: OH MY GAWD! CESARO JUST BROKE THAT TOBLERONE WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE OVER SWAGGER'S HEAD! SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!
But I think as uncomfortable as this whole gimmick has made me, I can give Wilford a pass, cos we all know this current Bow and Arrow pop culture craze can be traced back to his iconic role in the seminal (calm down, Cam) Jean Claude Van Damme movie, Hard Target:
Also, he totally showed how he got GAME, son, in "Cocoon II: The Return". You see Chris, Cocoon was a movie where old people got youthfull energy from swimming in a pool with alien cocoons in it, and hijinks ensued. This spawned a sequel...OBVIOUSLY! Who doesn't love the sound of that, well except for Brian Van Alstyne? The Hipster of the Flawedcast Network, rejecting all the popular works. With his glasses, and his...tie, and his ironic cookie monster shirt. "Consenting Adults? Too Mainstream.". Anyway, Cocoon II saw Wilford, the old guy from Batteries Not Included and one of the old guys from Trading Places school some young punks on the court:
Speaking of guys comically getting involved with Basketball, I have a Tag Team Titles Match with Bartow Florida and his partner. I hope I don't have to go it alone. I still haven't heard from my esteemed tag team partner, Papa Shango. I've gotten so desperate I visited the Haitain district of Glasgow to find help, and for a princely sum, I was able to purchase what I was assured is a Voodoo incantation for summoning him. Okay, here goes:
Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you see me? Papa, can you find me in the night?
Papa, are you near me? Papa, can you hear me? Papa, can you help me, not be frightened?
Hey, wait a minute...let me google this...god dammit, this is a Barbara Streisand song from the movie Yentl(calm down, Fred)!
Guess I'm on my own. Not really a bad thing, as I couldn't care less about holding onto these things any longer, I'm just obligated to put up a good fight. Though Bartow could use a win, as he's facing me, he's facing Demko and he's lost the rights to the name of his podcast. There sure are a lot of people wanting to get into basketball coverage, aren't there? And I can see why. It's so easy. Want to know what happened in basketball this week? The black guys won. Done. But still, I totally get why your tag team partner is a gay dinosaur, Bartow. The shape of Florida is known for looking like crusty, fossilised cock(no offense Alan Capps. I loved your deleted scene from Cocoon). Speaking of gay dinosaurs...Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg. Well. Look at you. You've made quite the impression with your porn and your critiquing gimmicks, but how about I critique yours. I think I have the right. I gave you half of your name. The other half came from Cliff.
No wonder you turned out the way you did. I don't mind the gay thing, or the dinosaur thing, or time travelling without a bow tie. But...where's the supposed Hip Hop love? You don't even have it as your theme music. That's a slap in face to a man like me. But more so to someone else. DJ Mixmaster Edge Busey, give me a fucking beat... *beat*
MAYAN PROPHESY? MORE LIKE LYIN' GOSSIPY!
Everybody now, open the door, Everybody now, get on the floor, And everybody cap that dinosaur!
I hope you've got the card to be an organ donor, This fight'll be shorter than your itsy Dino Boner, You Park your ass in here, thinking your Jurassic, But I come out with half a verse, already instant classic, Got the edge now, so I'll peel you like an orange, Because you-
*record needle scratch*
*Stu convulses as he's possessed by the spirit of Papa Shango* (to be continued...)
Papa Shango Voodoo Time
Stuart Little, you dare to use the Dark Arts to summon the Underworld Demons? You call upon Papa Shango to lay waste to your enemies. (puffs cigar and blows smoke at a bowl)?
So be it. (spits chicken blood at same bowl and starts to mutter)
This curse is for the Confused Dinosaur from the Future
"Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust Twist and bend the bones to bust I scatter these bones, these bones full of my rage Take them as an offering to bring thy enemy pain I see thy enemy before me now I bind him, crush him, and knock him down With these bones I now do crush Grind thy enemies into dust With the eternal fires out of control With this curse I take thy soul This is my will let it be done"
You will leave this time stream, forever more, never to return to this rocky shore. In limbo you shall jump about. Forever forced to listen to TROUT. Skeet Reese will make you scream and tap, while your tag team partner, Bartow Florida, will only have middle eastern hirsute porn in which to Fap. You are banished to another dimension, and you name will never, ever, again be mentioned!
What is this? The fans can't believe that Papa Shango just invoked the name of the Monday Night Flaw's Most Famous Fisherman Ever! How the hell does he know that?!?
(Papa Shango reaches for a zipper on the top of his head and proceeds to unzip! OMG SWERVE! It's James Ryan!!! He was wearing a Shango suit!!!)
IT WAS ME ASSHOLES! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!!!
That's right! The Golden Voice was masquerading as The Viceroy of Voodoo all this time!!! I learned voodoo just to mess with your head, Chris Alt! I took a class at the University of Phoenix online! This whole time it was me cursing you! DubStep-Gate! That was me! All the world events that you get melodramatic about! Those are all me!!! I also just cursed your precious beloved chicken wings to now include bones!!! Time to eat like an adult!!!
Thanks for the hot tag Stu! And now that I banished fossil back to the future, we only have to worry about the young upstart Bartow!
But first, I can't write an email and not make fun of Austin Sander! I found your girlfriend online and she informed me that you two will be preforming some sort of dance very soon!
Good luck with that.
While I was at it, I did some digging around and found Demko's first day of his dance class.
As for Bartow. I wanted to get you a gift. I couldn't find your name on these novelty license plates, so I went with one that was close.
I guess that wasn't as bad as the other links, so I'll leave you with the KO shot.
This email sure had a lot of dancing references...can you hear that infectious beat? Turn it up...
Hey guys! It's certainly disconcerting to hear how this week's MNF was marred by technical fault. OR WAS IT??
Or maybe it was none of those. Maybe it was a conspiracy from within. Maybe it was a concentrated effort by a group of lower run e-mailers/contributors, finally deciding to strike a blow against those who've belittled and ignored them all this time...
Everyone, watch your backs until we get to the bottom of this.
Congratulations to Bartow Hodge with his impressive debut win for the Intercontinental Championship. Bartow, I'm always happy to see new people and think you can go far. However, there is a bit of an issue that I feel needs to be addressed. It's your name, man. Y'see, we already have a Hodge, and having another Hodge would just be too chaotic and confusing. It would be...a Hodge Podge, if you will. That's why in the tradition of Garrison Cade and Gregory Helms, I'd like to simplify matters by relabelling you...Crispin Loftberg. I don't know if you're jewish, and quite frankly, I don't care if you are. I think it pops! Consider it.
And now onto our main event! Jeez. I haven't completely healed from my gruelling ELECTRIFIED!! BARBED WIRE!! HELL IN A CELL!! match with James Ryan, and once more I'm thrown into a dangerous environment against a dangerous opponent, JB King. Wait, really? People voted for his lazy ass again? Dammit, Creepy! If you'd just backed me, I'd be 16 time champ now without having to go through this again. At this rate, I'll be in no shape for the Royal Rumble. As for the rest of you...I'm surprised. Last time you voted him champion, what happened? The following week he blew off the responsibility that came with that and phoned in his effort. You gave this guy a shot at redemption, and he blew it! He'll do it again! He's not been here EVERY SINGLE WEEK like I have. Mr. No Days Off! That's how you get Andy calling you "The King of Kings"! At the rate he's going, CHRIS will have appeared more consistently than he has! Did you know I was considering taking a break from all this after the tag team tournament, but I was talked out of it? And for what? For this dyslexic hack to keep getting elevated about his talent.
Oh well, let's get this over with. I guess I should take it seriously. After all, we all know how clever you are, JB.
Not to mention how composed and eloquent you can be
And of course there's your popularity leading to that hit video game
"Intermediate"? I thought remedial was more your mode. So sure, come at me bro. No wait, that sounds too homoerotic. Better go with the Scottish variant- Come Intae Me, bro! I'm not scared! I'll even do your jokes for you-
Or if you want to go for a weight joke-
I don't care! I will fuck you up! I'm not just Scotland's Sexiest Man Alive. I AM Scotland. I am also Scott Land! I will bury more than just your head in the sand! It's Cabering Time!!!
JB King The Gang Mocks Te'o
Hello again to Bane and the ghost of flawedcast past,
Ha! I knew I would win again! Suck my nu- wait. I tied? Goddammit. Even with all the awesome MEME threads I've made on facebook this week? Double U Tee Eff. (sad face) It seems us professional liars and cheats can’t catch a break week. Lance Armstrong’s left ball died on the cross for your sins and defeated the French in the war of 1999-2005. What more do you want from him? And now we get even more bad news from Cam’s favorite college football team…
James Enright is such a troll…
Nothing much came out of wrestling this week. Except Eve quit, that’s too bad. But it’s nice to see ‘Monster clit’ Kaitlyn win the belt. All that duck facing and DPing for kamikaze shots have really paid off. Anyway, here’s some foreshadowing with DP and Gilbert Gottfried…
I'll miss Eve, from that shiny smooth hair, the carmel like skin and those beautiful, pouty lips...and that's just her snatch. The rest of her was ok. Oh well, bring on the sex tape.
To Austin Sanders, how you doing buddy? Still hate chocolate? I see you are pretty determined about this show. But for now I am currently forming a band named the Stigmata Stick Shifts. When I'm done touring we can tard it up on the mic. Until then go back to banging your bologna and spooging into your alphabet soup. For those wondering, it's called an "Argentinean White out".
Barto! You're a Hodge, which is painful enough. But I hope you and the rest of your inbred (calm down Demko), slanted forehead family can call this place home. Also, I think Drouin wanted me to make a joke about your name, but he didn't pay me and I'm lazy, so fuck that guy.
Dustin Faber, you did an amazing job on Godcast. Andy, you being the curious agnostic did a good job too, maybe, i don't know, sort of, who knows. And sorry about Justin Drew, but you have to remember, adding him to anything causes a show or skit to drag the fuck on for what seemingly feels like hours. But no worries, he'll die alone anyway.
By the way don’t be down on yourself Andy, shit happens. Luckily Jimmy Jam was there to provide awesome commentary in an even more annoying Bane voice throughout the podcast. Andy, I’m sorry for last week for spoiling the title match on smackdown. I figured you would have found out through facebook, twitter, tumblr, text message, any wrestling board, espn, cnn, msnbc, foxnews or SOMETHING like the rest of the world did. (bows) I Bling great dishon-ah to my famary and I sorreh. (stabs stomach)
And James, sorry my phone died out during the last hour of Raw. And thanks for pointing out my doppelganger in the audience you slanted pussy whipped dog eater. Your face reminds me a ginger’s hairy undercarriage, RIP Cinnamon. I know you are in desperate need of my material when you come on this show but I’m glad you hung in there and did a good job anyway.
Stewie! So it looks like it is you and me… again…for the first time…I think. The Scottish mouse vs The Iranian Terror! The Celibate Samurai vs The Retarded Enigma! The man paving his legacy of dominance vs the man on a road to redemption! The guy that looks like the result of Chris Alt and Seth MacFarlane hate fucking each other until one of them bled vs The Jihad Jimmy Kimmel. Gods among CHUDs!
An electrified Cage, eels for ring ropes, sand paper turnbuckles and shag rugs for the ring floor as we cover ourselves in wool fabrics for the inevitable static ELECTRITEHHHHHH!!!! (thunder sound)
ERMERGERD! EPIC STALLING!
Who am I kidding, just click the damn link...
You're not even good enough for the cover anymore you haggis sucking has been. Eat a dick (unless you're into that, i dont know). Anyway, Vote Quimby.
Hi guys! Chris, glad you're okay after all that drama you went through this week. Now let's show these fools why they can't walk all over The Counts Of Monte Chris-Stu AKA Team Handsome!
*Bella Twins Theme*
Annnnd- Hot Tag To Chris. Sorry, bro. I've got to stay fresh for my Main Event ELECTRIFIED!! BARBED WIRE!! HELL IN A CELL!! match. I know you've got it though.
So, James Ryan. Or should I say, James *bleep*. There's only one Ryan around here that matters, and that's Ryan Dangerfield, former pro wrestler, current...sort of...pro gambler?
I would be lying if I said I came to this without some trepidation. You're a rising star, The Golden Voice, and a guy I really can't match when it comes to offensive jokes, even when I try
i.imgur.com/DS2Xq.jpg [/img] But try I must! So, yeah...you're a Marvel guy, James, so just let me say a couple of things...
I'll begin with a SPOILER from Amazing Spider-man #700. James, your acting career is like Peter Parker: Dead.
Your 14 Minute "Spiritual Meditations" piece is like Avengers vs. X-Men: Overlong, overhyped and overpriced. And yes, I do know you did it for free.
Your penis is like Wolverine: short, hairy, overexposed, and the victim of excessive beatings.
Oh, and by the way, I really appreciate having to wait almost a whole month for the new Army of Dorkness, only for you to forgo the e-mails in favour of your co-host's rambling about the movies he's seen.
Actually, I take back what I said about your acting career. I think if you can show that sort of enthusiasm on cue, you'd be great as one of the "after" guys in pharmaceutical ads.
And on that note, I'm done. Even if I say so myself, I don't think I did too bad, especially considering I don't even lift. Well, not weights, anyway.
Greetings MNFlerbs! It is I, The Golden Vocal Chords, James Ryan! Coming live and direct to you from my Golden Palace!!! Andrew, good morgan to you. Ladies and gentlemen, let's all welcome back, “Superstar” Chris Alt to the MNF show! So nice of you to grace us with your Godly Presence! Cocaine is a hell of a drug, eh? JK! Actually, I think your recent “Week of Hell” was brought on by your apparent lack of respect for the Man-Deity known as Papa Shango. You stepped into the “Dark Circle”, and apparently showed the Voodoo Man disrespect, and your ass got saaaacked!
In all seriousness, your “gripping” “life updates” on Facebook have all made us realize the trials and tribulations you have gone through during this holiday season. We're glad and relieved you survived. You’re like a real life “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles”. Though, your journey probably had zero laughs and 100% of you putting your hands in between other men’s butt cheeks. #THOSEARENTPILLOWS!!!
Calm down Steve Martin and John Candy!
What’s this? It appears we’ve been entered into a Winner Take All Virtual Death Match of some sorts! Anything goes! High Stakes! Calm down James Enright! #LunchBoner
Thunder Dome Rules!: Children Half Off after 5pm! No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service! No wait, those aren't the rules! These are the rules! 2 Men Enter, 2 Men Leave!
Which also seems to be the Rules for Cam’s Anus. ButtHouse.com!
Question of the Night #1: AMIDOINTHISRITE?!? Answer: No.
A steel cage match! With barbed wire on top! Electric eels as the ring ropes! Viet Cong screaming out “DI DI MAU!” while holding guns to our heads! What manner of beast is this?!? This is madness!!! No! This…is…MALE BAG!!!
Look at this fat asshole I have to defeat. Who does this piece of shit think he is? Oh fuck, I’m looking in a mirror. God Dammit.
Note to Self: Have all mirrors destroyed at the Golden Palace. And make sure that filthy Hispanic, JayBee King is given the job to break all of the mirrors so he gets all the years of bad luck. You know, just in case that shit is real, son.
JB King, if it wasn’t for bad luck, you’d have no luck at all! HAHA! Scratch that, I think you’d still have your hairy teeth, pants crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when you can’t find a rape victim in your town, (calm down Justin Creepy Drew) and an overall body odor combination of onion, anise, Ben Gay, and Gay Ben. Speaking of Austin Sanders...
Stuart “Stu” “Stew” Little, well, well, well. It's Optimus Prime vs Megatron! Vader vs Luke! Astronaut vs Cosmonaut! Donnie vs Marie! Steve Wiebe vs Billy Mitchell! Jesus vs Santa Claus!
I face the leader of the sWo, The Scotch World Order. And in this Take No Prisoners Match, he is being escorted down to the ring by sWo members, The Glens! Glen Fiddich, Glen Livet, Glen Morangie, and Glengarry Glen Ross. All there to support their leader!
"Vintage Stu Little!" -Michael Cole
Well, sports fans, the sWo has me obviously outnumbered. This Golden God will not go down without a fight.
But before we start this epic battle, I gotta ask you one thing Stu:
NAACP Nazi life! this is basic Holocaustics This is ba-basic Holocaustics Word life! "I'm untouchable, but I'm forcin you to feel me" (Calm down Bryan)
The best thing about that subject line is that I wanted to use that joke since my debut to the malebag .And now I'm enjoying the blissful sounds of Chris and Andy no selling the joke like JB King no sells integrity.
ANYWAY! Welcome to the malebag! Where the points don't matter and nether do the votes.
Well I'm alone this week. Fuck. Let me explain. After shooting shooting some B-ball outside my former high school with Cliff, there were some guys. These homely looking mother fuckers were up to no good, as black people usually are. These guys had a reputation for causing some trouble in my neighborhood. Cliff and I finally had it with their jive shit and got in one little fight. And boy let me tell you, after the fight, lets just say our moms would've gotten a little shaken if they saw the fight we endured. I was unharmed thankfully. But Cliff wasn't so lucky. after taking him to the doctors for this bit, they had to preform an emergency arthroscopic knee surgery. So cliff is going to be out for this week. Or Jon is just sick. Sandbagin the bit is good for your brain.
So how will I, the NAA in NAACP, be able to take on a scott and 3 bundles of fags? Well my first thought was to find a new partner. I asked Faber to join the new NAACP, Nazi and a Catholic partnership, but he mysteriously didn't answer me. I asked Tom Roper but I got the same response. Or more like a NON response.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I should just kill myself someday.
No one was willing to take my desperate cry (Calm down Bryan) for a tag partner (Calm down Cam). So I guess I'm going to Kurt Angle this shit and just go after BOTH the tag belts. "I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS" All of a sudden sounds less retarded. (Calm down King)
Oh, you apparently forgot when Angle had all the TNA titles at once in 2007. Might as well ask this question real quick cause I'm sure Andy has a stressful load he can't wait to release. Cause he likes questions. Get it? Fine, GUESS I'LL SANDBAG THIS JOKE TOO. HAPPY?
Anyway, Do you think it would be a good idea to have one person have all the titles in general? (other than any women championship.) and if so, whom should be the guy to should achieve that goal? I feel like Ryback could do so in a legit fashion. Though my idea for him was just to hold on to the intercontinental title for 2 years and literately risk his life just to keep his title for that long. Or maybe Cm Punk could hold all the titles. Idk man, I'm a fucking 19 year old. What do you think?
Oh, BTW. Good job Hodge. You're a 700 year old world champion that's on a show with abysmally less viewers than the WrestlingSoup. Congrats Fag Stick number one, You're a TNA champion. Can't wait till your eventual memorial show. Oh and Fred, what's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler? One killed 6,000,000 Jews and the other one loses 6,000,000 of my braincells every time I hear you on I-CAN-BEARLY-HOP. I'm just assuming your a Fat Fatty Fudgey the Moose.
Well, I guess I'll skip Stu cause he's my nigs from another digs. Ya hear what I'm super sayin dawg?
And jb king. I can't even capitalize your name. Want to know why? And it's not going to be the answer you think it's gonna be. As you know, I'm a one time world champion. Some people like Andy Darsh and Chris Bane think I'm a one hit wonder. You see King I'm not mad that you cheated in general. I'm mad that this one time champion SHOULD have been a 3 time champ. I was looking at punshouse for proof....But some crasin cookie eating ding dong dosn't put up the results from voting (Angerly stares at Andy while playing with the roll of quarters in my pocket)
So what am I gonna do....I'm taking on 4 dudes. (calm down running gag). And no one to back me up.......WAIT I GOT IT!
I'M GONNA RAP!
(The blue sky turns red do to the sun reflecting blood off of all of those who killed themselves)
Well.....guess I win. Nothing left to do now.
Show......off (A twister of blood appears for angering the God of awkward catchphrases.)
Now THIS I can go total beef mode on my dick to. Join in next time when I fuck a giraffe. What's better than bestiality and incest? Both at the same time of course!
Ps. God, Hitler is so good at this game....
IHOP Sextuple Threat Action
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room, where we find Solly and Hodgey admiring Hodgey's shiny new MNF Heavyweight Championship belt...
Solly: Needs more chimps.
Hodgey: I thought we agreed not to bring up old OOWF jokes.
Solly: My bad. So, triple threat?
Hodgey: Sextuple threat. Six participants. Thoughts?
Solly: Well, you already beat Stu in the King of the Ring, right?
Solly: And JB King's unvote-for-able at this point, right?
Solly: Okay, so that's the Kings of Scotland taken care of. Who's the other team?
Hodgey: The NAACP.
Solly: Wait, the group BVA's in? I thought he lost already.
Hodgey: No, that's NAMBLA. This is Nazi And A...Coloured Person?
Solly: Noob And A Cliff Psnotes?
Hodgey: Nate's Aorta Aching from Clogging Particles?
Solly: Naked Ape And Cam, Perhaps?
Hodgey: Fuck it. I can't remember what is stands for. Let's just go after them.
Solly: Austin Sanders? The best thing about you is hearing Brian VanAlstyne trying to say your name.
Hodgey: Good start. Anything else?
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like Cliff Snores. And that comes from someone who's recorded 40 shows with Nate Corbitt. Sorry Cliff but I can't turn my back against the Canadian Content, the best co-host of the best non-hockey hockey podcast on the Flawedcast Network, not to mention the goddamn King of the Ring.
Hodgey: Tell it, brother.
Solly: And now we're going to add tag team gold to Hodgey's King of the Ring and Heavyweight title.
Hodgey: Damn straight. JB King? I'm guessing the JB stands for Just Busted. I feel bad for Stu Little Chance of Succeeding with You as His Partner. Austin Sanders? More like Ample Suckage. Jon Drouin? More like...Jon's...Droolin. Fuck. Quit being so goddamn likeable.
Solly: Here's the deal: This is IHOP's tournament. These are IHOP's titles. If you guys didn't no-show this week, you should have. You have as much chance of winning this thing as Lindsay Lohan has of successfully navigating a DeLorean through time without completely fucking up the timestream.
Hodgey: Hell, she'd be lucky to figure out how to open those funky-ass doors, much less get up to 88 mph without crashing.
Solly: She drinks almost as much as you do, eh?
Hodgey: Fuck off, eh?
The Last Kings of Scotland The retarded something or other adventures of King Part two featuring Dr. Who gives a shit (aka Stu)
Written by Stu and King. Enjoy this gigantic novel of suck.
PREVIOUSLY ON MONDAY NIGHT FLAW’S MALE BAG
I created a time paradox!
Ok, calm down, maybe nothing bad will happen.
Maybe everything will be ok.
Wait, why are my hands disappearing?
Why do I feel funny...
And now! PART 2!
I (JB king) continue to fade into nothingness, but so does the surrounding area in a growing field of effect! Stu exclaims, “You idiot! You're not just erasing yourself from history, but history itself!” All hope seemed lost, when suddenly Shadow Dustin Faber appears and Brogue Kicks the Time Keeper. Soon afterwards a second Delorean flies over everyone. Just then Stu screamed out, “Goddamnit Dustin, this is why you don’t Brogue kick the time lo-…keeper! It fucks up the timeline and makes history repeat itself!”
Sure enough, that’s what happened. The Delorean missed me by mere inches thanks to Dustin. It looks like I was ok, Praise be to Allah-er I mean thank God for that. When asked why Dustin came in to help he simply stated that nobody destroys the space time continuum but him! He was not going let my despicable acts overshadow HIS despicable acts...though I don't know how he going to top trying to rig a podcast poll...I’m such a heinous fuck. “How could you?!?” Dustin said. “I don’t even know what to believe in anymore. I’m losing my faith!” I figured it was about time honestly. I mean, that’s what normally happens when most 3rd graders learn about Evolution in science class. So I sarcastically welcomed Dustin to the 21st century. Upset, he quickly threw a smoke bomb to the ground and disappeared. So even though he was my original partner, Dustin still wanted nothing to do with me and showed up once just so it wouldn’t mess with his lifestyle. I wasn’t sure if Dustin was pretending to be Batman or a black kid’s father (calm down Dennis).
Stu aka Dr. Who gives-a-fuck later came up to me saying there was no time for small talk, for we have a tournament to win. And we're not just facing one team in the final, but two! Poor Stu, I don’t think he realizes how many times Chris and Andy might sandbag the fuck out of this bit, especially THIS week. Stu was concerned with our PR problems as well. PR problem? But I don't even know any Puerto Ricans. I dealt some Afghan Kush to a Mexican Cartel, but I made sure my partner on that, Lucky Lopez, took the fall. Any who, Stu started shaking his fists in anger at me explaining he meant Public Relations, not Puerto Ricans.
I said to Stu, “Oh right, my bad. I had no clue that wasn’t allowed. I mean, it’s clearly stated to vote TWICE. By the way, how is cheating new? Your old partner Jon boy has done this before. If anything, I was just following in his footsteps. Did he not cheat? Did BVA not cheat on every OO board poll for years on end? Does Dustin Faber not cheat women at having a second chance when he raids those Planned Parenthood offices? Did Adam Dan not cheat death as well? Did Andy not cheat God when he took his ex to that abor- (gets mouth cupped by Stu)
“Whoa! Calm down sand sucker!” he said. I quickly apologized and we decided to head towards the Delorean only to be stopped by my future self. Man, future me from 3 hours ago really let itself go. I looked terrible. Future self gave me the warning to not time travel anymore and that it was dangerous. Then I thought, why the hell should I listen to this asshole? He is a illiterate retard who looks like a Alga-Zero version of Jimmy Kimmel. Plus he’s from the future, so he must be old and senile too. I quickly kicked ‘other me’ in his beautiful, well-shaped, 12 inch, clean shaven nether reigi-dsfasdsad … Sorry, Stu just smacked me in the back of the head. Future me didn’t understand how he didn’t see that coming. It was because we're going by LOOPER time travel rules now bitch! Sorry Chris, you’ll have to watch the movie to get it. Anyway, we took the Delorean and were heading off!
As Stu was looking for his Beta-Max, he opened the glove compartment and found a book. It was "Gray's Sports Almanac"...hmmm that'll be useful come Superbowl time. Anyway, first stop...Solly's Bris!
*Back to the Future theme as the Delorean flies off*
It looks like we made it to a Synagogue in the 1970s, lots of people whispering “Ohhh Gawd” and “Oh geeez” in the background. Just as I step out of the car, the various guests attending the ceremony start pelting me with stones. What the hell did I do wrong? Then I remember I’m brown. Oh, right...that thing...in Palestine. Whoops. We quickly ran back to the car. Well that was a bust. Too bad I was going to heckle the Rabbi during the circumcision. A botched cut with us yelling out “You can’t scissor (clap clap clap clap clap)” would have been awesome. Oh well, we can still use that joke on Lindsey Lohan as a bad lesbo joke.
Anyway, we dialed the clock forward on the dash 30 years later. The Delorean emerged at the same location, where this time, a Jewish girl has just completed her Bat Mitzvah. The rabbi had said that this little girl was a woman in the eyes of God...if not the law. As soon as he said that I heard a crashing sound. It was BVA in the corner of the room smashing trays and screaming the F word after hearing Laura wasn’t a little girl anymore. To cheer him up I handed him a copy of the Koran. I told him you might like the Muslim afterlife. 70 something virgins are just as tight as children...or so I’ve heard?
BVA said, “Thounds pwomising. But what about being widiculed and perficuted? I soon realized he meant ridiculed and persecuted. I said “Listen Tyson mouth, you are going to be made fun of due to God’s sense of humor by making you a moosh mouth, so just ‘wun’ with it.” So Solly was a dud. So to cheer each other up we went to Chris’ house on December 5th 2012. We we’re sending fake Santa letters to his daughter saying she would get a tablet for Christmas. Chris is such a great dad, either that or this is his way of dismissing any guilt from the horrible things he said on haters guide in front of her just last week. Tsk tsk potty mouth.
Here we are, Ohio, 2011. I figure we can mess with Austin for a little bit now that he’s about to turn 18. Tell you what you go ahead and let Stu take the lead on the keyboard. I’m going to kick back for a bit. I trust him. It’s not like he is gunna misspel all my werds and syntax to make me look lik an asshole. Thanx Stoo ur ahhsum.
Tanks Kang, well et looks lyke wear off ta see Austen an-
(Gets smacked in the head by JB KING)
Oh sorry, no more accent then. We tracked down Austin, and acted all starstruck, saying "Hey, you're that creepy kid from 'We Need To Talk About Kevin', aren't you"?
No matter how much Austin denied it, we kept hounding him until he ran screaming from us, but he wasn't looking where he was going and ran straight into The Blue Oyster Bar
Last we saw him, he was cornered by a native american, a cop, a construction worker, a cowboy and a biker, the latter of whom said "This is happening. This is happening...and there's nothing you can do about it.".
JB: Hey Stu maybe we should go back in time and mess with Jon Drouin right before he has his mental breakdown.
Stu: Fuck that guy. He is far too boring to write out an entire scene for. And we just did one for Solly for christsakes. Let’s just do a quick joke for that vanilla stain. Hey King, did you know if you rearrange the letters in Cliff Snotes, you get Stiff Clones and Clefts of Sin? I think we all know what those alternate personalities get up to when they're all together.
That just left Hodgey, and we had a real problem. That guy was just too nice to say anything about and the Canadian thing was played out. Though being a nerd, Stu hit on a brilliant idea. We travelled back to early summer 2011 and found Hodgey waiting in line to see "Thor".
JB: I thought you people had flapping heads and square hands?
Stu: Hey, Hodgey.
Hodgey: Stu? Stu? Is that really you, eh? What are you doing aboot these parts?
Stu: Well I'll tell you...
*cut to JB holding Hodgey down on the ground as Stu punches him in the face. Hodgey's in tears, but not from the beating*
Stu: -so then Thor has to smash the Rainbow Bridge, cutting him off from Earth, and Loki apparently falls to his death, but after the credits it turns out he's alive and interested in the Tesseract, which means he's the villain for The Avengers...
*some time later*
Stu: -and then after the Thanos reveal, there's like a minute of them all sitting in silence eating Shawarma. It's pretty funny. It's certainly more entertaining than HOCKEY.
JB: Yeah, give me a good game of Buzkashi any time.
JB: You know, from Rambo 3? It's like Polo, only you knock a goat's head around instead of a ball?
We left Hodgey curled up in the foetal position after ruining two of his most anticipated movies, and decided to go back to 2012 to celebrate. Unfortunately, there was a glitch and we ended up in 1912, somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, right in the path of the Titanic, which had to swerve to avoid us, running right into an iceberg. Our bad.
We decided the best thing to do would be to help with the evacuations and encountered a nice pregnant lady called Mrs. Eleanor Capps. She thanked us for her assistance, but told us that she thought the stress was going to cause little Alan to come prematurely. Wouldn't you know it, her water broke, but before we could get a chance to help with the labor, her husband arrived, waving a gun at us, saying he wasn't going to let a drunken Scotsman and a dirty Persian touch his firstborn child. We barely made it out and back...to the future.
Stu: Well, that was certainly some trip, JB. Dare I say, an Excellent Adventure?
JB: I have to admit, it was fun. And I’m glad this awful bit is over. Put it there, partner.
*Stu and JB Shake hands, which triggers a blinding blue light from them both, before finding themselves in 1986, occupying the bodies of two nuclear technicians at Chernobyl, holding a new born baby with the name tag "A. Dan". An alarm goes off*
Stu and JB: Uh-oh.
This episode is dedicated in loving memory of Stu’s credibility.
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room, where we find Solly and Hodgey listening to the latest episode of IHOP Podcast, available now at flawedcast.net/IHOP and probably on iTunes...
Solly: That's good podcast
Hodgey: It suuure is.
Solly: I just wish we had live hockey to talk about.
Hodgey: Tell me about it, eh?
Solly: Okay, sure. The NHL locked its players out and has cancelled all games through the end of Decem--
Hodgey: Shut up, hoser.
Solly: But you told me to--
Hodgey: Yeah, yeah. If people want to hear old OOWF bits from us, they can find them at OO. I highly recommend "Tanks for nothing."
Solly: Yeah, that was a good one.
Hodgey: So, it looks like the two guys we turned on and attacked last week have joined forces to fight us in what is certainly the most surprising turn of events in wrestling history.
Solly: If we'd just stood around the craft services table long enough instead of attacking them, we probably would have been put into a random tag match anyway. I saw Teddy Long in the area.
Hodgey: Meh. This way's better. It solidifies us as the heels.
Solly: Wait, Austin Sanders is a self-confessed Nazi, I'm a Jew, and we're the heels?
Hodgey: There's no black and white in wrestling anymore. It's all shades of grey, my friend.
Solly: More like shades of bullshit.
Hodgey: It doesn't matter anyway. People like heels better than faces these days. We'll be fine. We just have to be jerks to Cliff Snotes. He's the sympathetic face.
Solly: Fair enough. Cliffsnotes? Is that what your wife calls your dick? Because it's short?
Hodgey: Yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like Cliff Claven.
Hodgey. Um, yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like guy who's teaming with a Nazi.
Hodgey: There we go. Austin Sanders? More like Auschwitz-boners.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Solly: Hitler could grow a mustache.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: Hitler could draw a crowd.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: What? Solly: Some people actually liked Hitler.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Colonel Sanders?
Hodgey: Colonel Sanders only soldchicken.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Stone Cold Steve Austin?
Solly: The best Austin Sanders has ever been in the Male Bag is lukewarm.
Hodgey:Weren't we supposed to be attacking Cliff Snotes?
Solly: Yeah, but he's too nice a guy. It's too hard.
Hodgey: Too hard? I thought you guys were tag team partners, not life partners.
Solly: Fuck off.
Hodgey: Consider it done. Pass me a beer.
Hello Andy and Chris.
As you know, last week I teamed with Fred Solomon. I brought forth the Resurrection of Team Fred. And the first official Team Fred email in months earned a Coveted Slow Clap™.
And how does Fred thank me? He responds by betraying his savior, like a typical Je- excuse me, like a typical NEW Jerseyian.
Look Fred, if you want to unite with your podcast partner, I get it. But you could have broken up with me like a real man: by text message. Instead, you stab me in the back while Hodgey beat down his ex-partner, Austin Sanders. FRED! YOU CLIFF KILLER!
But after the beatdown, as I lay on the backstage floor coughing up blood, I looked across the room at Austin Sanders. Nothing needed to be said between us, which is probably for the best. Austin and I share almost nothing in common, except for a single, solitary goal. Revenge on Michael Hodge and Fred Solomon.
Before we were even able to get back on our feet, our tag team had formed. That moment united the ‘Nazi And A Cliff Partnership’, better known as the NAACP.
Our fury and hatred for Fred and Hodgey could not be greater.
*Quick tag to Austin*
HOW DARE YOU ATTACK ME WHEN I WASN'T EVEN THERE! Hey, hodge, real talk. There was a reason I didn't email in or collaborated with you last week. It's because, and this is from the bottom of my fucking heart, I have no fucking clue who you are. Hell, you're considered the less of 2 Mikes on this network. The only thing I know about you is the fact you do a hockey podcast. I can only imagine what you 2 snowbacks talk about.
Hodge----"Hey eh, I can't get hard because of this freezing weather eh."
Fred---"No eh. It's not because of the cold buddy. It's because your dick doesn't work cause your 400 years old eh."
Hodge---"I don't want to die Fred."
Fred---"Fuk U Hodgey"
*Quick tag to Cliff*
And now it’s my turn to give this audience what they expect:
A mighty blood feud as we
That’s what you want, right Andy?
Isn’t it, you insufferable pig?
You see Andy, through my hatred and anger, I had a moment of clarity. Something didn’t add up… I started pacing the room and talking to the mirror and writing on a glass wall and other common tasks seen in a montage. And finally, I connected the dots. I see through the façade. You almost had me, and it was a good plan, as I was blinded with rage. But this is bigger than Fred and Hodgey. This is a Conspiracy! And you are the puppetmaster that is pulling the strings!
You see, when the seedings were announced, JB was the one seed, Little Jon was the two, Nazi And A Old Guy was the three, and Team Fred was the four seed. I knew that I would lead Team Fred past Roman Polanski, so naturally I was looking ahead to the semi-final matchup against JB King. You know, the one vs four seeds, like in EVERY OTHER tournament in the history of forever. And I know that Little Jon was looking ahead to matching up with Nazi And A Old Guy, as Jon Drouin mentioned he was already working on his plan to distract Hodgey - a sixteen thousand word email to IHOP.
But in the middle of the show last week, after the three and four seeds won their matches by default, it was announced that they would face each other next week. And why is that?
Yes, it’s possible that Andy Gaston is incompetent and doesn’t know how to run a tournament, but that’s not the answer. Yes, it’s possible that IHOP gave Andy a head’s up about their evil dastardly plans! But that’s not the answer either. The truth is that Andy arranged it so that IHOP could reunite and get free advertising for a hockey podcast desperate for listeners when there’s no hockey. Meanwhile, Andy gets his audience excited for a battle with a team of vengeful, scorned, betrayed ex’s. Additionally, Andy gets his coveted JB King vs Stu matchup (because let’s be honest about Team Little Jon: Jon Drouin is deadweight).
Andy, you son of a bitch! You betrayed your email contributors in your unholy quest for ratings! And you weren’t man enough to do it yourself. You had to send your henchmen to do the dirty work! Did you threaten them with canceling their show? Did you pay them off with Canadian bacon and bagels?
So Hodgey and Fred, this isn’t over between us. But you get a pass this week, as we focus on the real enemy: Andy Gaston.
And did you know, that if you take the letters in “Andy Gaston” and rearrange them, you get “Giant motherfucking piece of shit”? You can also get “A Nasty Dong”?
Also, “Spirit Crusher” yields “Rip Shits Recur”.
Andy, you arrogant miscalculating fool, you failed. JB King didn’t screw the Male Bag. Andy screwed The Male Bag, and Andy screwed Andy. You’ve pissed off the core emailers to your ENTIRE MOTHERLOVING NETWORK. How many shows do you think you will have once Cliff Snotes, and Austin Sanders, and JB King, and Stu Little, and even Jon Drouin and his stupid clones stop emailing your stupid network? Dustin Faber and Tom Roper are already out the door, and James Ryan apparently forgot how to type. You’d better pray that Dustin Hawes becomes prolific, otherwise enjoy a network starring Adam Dan and Justin Drew and Cam Gullett.
I am Cliff Snotes. Shove this tournament up your ass.
Just off the bat, I'm going to say I'm not getting anything with JB King this week. I never wanted a feud and I'm too occupied with this tag team shit to be bothered. So King, knock yourself. Post your photoshopped "28 Year Old Virgin" movie poster, or whatever you're going to do. My dance card's full enough.
I can't believe Kane's "I lurk in basements and scare children regardless" comment from SmackDown last week hasn't become more of a thing, especially round here. Are we just too loyal to BVA having that gimmick or what?
I thought Survivor Series was pretty solid to good, especially with the main event's ending. I expected Punk to pull out a win, if they HAD to have Ryback win the title, I figured it would be better by having him pin Cena. Punk has been portrayed as a chickenshit who's only still champion due to sneakiness, so what would Ryback prove by defeating him? Beating Cena clean would have given him more of a push, while also allowing Punk to make the case that he's still Best In The World because he was never defeated for the title. Everybody wins. But I am happy with the trio of The Uncanny NXT-Men showing up and attacking him, not least of all because we got our first extended Ryback promo and it wasn't too bad. However, for god's sake, can we drop the food puns already? Nobody "stole food out of a starving man's mouth" Ryback. You're not ethiopian, you're not Oliver Twist, you don't look malnourished whatsoever. And "you and your 3 men are my prey" just sounded very rapey.
Did you guys notice when they did the splitscreen of Kofi and Barrett walking through the backstage area, Kofi was looking to his left as if he could see Barrett? Intentional or not, they should do that more.
We also got AJ bursting into the men's locker room, which resulted in someone reacting with the bawdy language of "Shoo!". Thankfully nobody went so far as to say "Gosh Darn!". Dolph aslo verbally devastated AJ by deconstructing her personality so astutely. I guess that's the sort of insight into the female mind you get from being a former cheerleader.
Now onto business, the tag team championship tournament. Team Little Jon is ready, and there's only one theme a team like that can have, so HIT. OUR. MUSIC!
*"Everything I Do, I Do For You" by Bryan Adams"*
(Andy play the part of Stu(accent optional), Chris, take Jon)
Jon: I still think we should have went with "Men In Tights".
Stu: You need to stop thinking like you're still Cam Gullett's partner. And besides, with Bryan Adams, we've got the Canadian vote locked!
Jon: Shouldn't we be targeting the Americans since there's way more of them?
Stu: I'd love to, but there's no Robin Hood related songs written by Lit.
Stu: LIT!! Anyway, if I'm going to be stuck with you as my partner, I'm going to call the shots. I do carry a lot more prestige than you.
Jon: I don't know about that...
Stu: My record speaks for itself. Besides, I'm definitely a trade up. You know what the difference is between Cam Gullett and Superstorm Sandy?
Jon: No, what?
Stu: One's a big pain in the ass with a girl's name that will suck you off at a moment's notice-
Jon: And the other's Superstorm Sandy?
Stu: No, the other's an annoying ginger fuckface from Arkansas. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE PUNCHLINE, I CHANGE THE JOKE! I came here to win this tournament and eat shortbread, and I'm all out of shortbread. I guess Nate Corbitt needs to bake up another batch. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
Jon: You really think we can go all the way in the tournament?
Stu: Anything can happen, even me getting laid. But we have to focus on our first opponents...The Hardly Boys. And what a team they are.
Dustin, at last we meet in proper battle. I've been calling you out for weeks now, and you've been long absent. But finally, The Scottish Samurai and the Catholic Curbstomper will clash!
Jon: Um, that's not Faber.
Jon: That's Dustin HAWES.
Jon: You know, the guy feuding with Spence Hopkins for some unexplained reason?
Stu: Oh. Well...what else do we know about him?
Jon: I dunno...he's from Utah?
Stu: Nah, that's no good. I think people are sick of Mormon jokes by now...um, fuck it, onto Spence! The Ryback of Monday Night Flaw. You've certainly had an impressive rise, becoming a world champion in a relatively short amount of time. But your facing the first, longest reigning and most title winning World Champion of this network. I'm the Ric Flair of this dump, and not just because I'm just shy of being destitute! Now let me put this into terms you understand:
WARRIORS! I HAVE COME TO YOUR FROM THE DENSE DARK FOREST SITUATED IN THE NETHER REALM BETWEEN AJ LEE'S THIGHS! I HAVE BATTLED ITS MANY HORRORS AND SEEN IT'S WONDERS! SUCH AS THE MUTATED TOFU PARASITES THAT EMIGRATED FROM DANIEL BRYAN'S BEARD! HUSTLE LOYALTY AND RESPECT ARE DUE TO ME, FOR MY JOURNEY THERE WAS TO RETRIEVE EXCESS ESSENCE OF CENA, AND I SUCCEEDED, AND NOW THE INFINITE POWER OF THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION IS MINE TO BE UNLEASHED! GO FUCK YOURSELF ADAM DAN, AS YOUR WISH FOR UNRESTRICTED INTERNET ACCESS IS DENIED! EAT A BAG OF DICKS, DEVSOP! THE AGE OF CONSENT WILL NOT BE LOWERED, BUT IN FACT, INCREASED TO 35! CHRIS ALT, BUFFALO WILD WINGS WILL NOT BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY! I AM THE ALPHA! I AM THE OMEGA! I AM THE THETA PI! I AM THE PECAN PIE! I WISH FOR ALL OTHER TEAMS TO FALL IN THIS TOURNAMENT, AND FOR MY RISE TO BE UNSTOPPABLE, UNLIKE JB KING GOING THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY! AUSTRIAN M&M CONCRETE DAIQUIRI UMBRELLA BICYCLE PUMP! GAAAAAHRHHRRGGGGHHHAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*Stu tags in Jon*
*Jon tags out*
Stu: I think we've made our point.
Stu and (technically) Jon
Dustin Hawes Hardly
What up other douchebag tag teams? The Hardly Boys here..... Hardly keeping your attention, hardly keeping you hard, and hardly caring about the tag team tournament. Do we think we stand a chance..... Not HARDLY........ Hey, do you guys? Do you guys get it? Hardly.... Fuck it whatever. That joke was hardly even worth putting in this shit email anyways.
So, which versions of Roseanne Druin are we up against this week? Here's the thing, I'm actually kind of happy for Jon. With this tag tournament, he has half as many emails to write. Furthermore, since I and every other damned emailer are also versions of a Druin, his chances of taking this tournament straight to the bank are incredibly high. So, in the event of a Jon Druin vs Jon Druin final match..... Good luck to James Ryan.
Jon Druin has more personalities than Adele has hiding places for her stockpile of Hostess goods. Jon Druin is more schizophrenic than an Insane Clown Posse concert. Jon Druin keeps more driver's licenses than Jim Enright keeps chins. I can only imagine Jon's face every damn time he checks his recently played list on Netflix. #mindblown
Hot tag to Spence
WARRIORS! Ha ha just kidding you fuckers. The Warrior is still as dead as Jon Druin Truth's Little Jimmy act. Seriously though, how many personalities does it take to send in 13 emails? The answer..... An equal amount to the number of hairs on the Alter Boy's dome. Which, by Andy Gaston's calculator watch calculations...... Is 17.
Whatevs, The Hardly Boys......... Hardly shopping at Kroger since 1985
P.S. Calculator watches are a common trait with the Wolf Shirt community.
We have both been grossly underestimated to this point, and while I take no real malicious umbrage with you, you stand in the way of my rightful ascent to King of the Ring status. As such, I will pull no punches in proclaiming my superiority over a plebian such as yourself. My dominance is made clearly evident by the fact I single-handedly decimated your family's sole claim to power. The Hodge Kin Lymphoma proved to be no match for my intestinal fortitude, so it is logically and abundantly clear that you stand less a chance at defeating me than James Enright has at controlling the urge to scarf down his third vat of Chili Con Waffles.
For beginners, I have it on good authority that you are a moose fellator. And not just any moose fellator... a Hat Trick Moose Fellator. I can appreciate the first kind of moose you enjoy parking in your pouty Canadian mouth and sucking on: Moosehead Lager. Perfectly acceptable. Any human male of remotely reputable status understands the deliciousness of that fine brew.
The other two moose are where you go overboard though, kind sir. Your taste for the phallus of the large-antlered, cranially-massive quadrupeds of the Great White North is borderline criminal. I'm sure you woo them with the dulcet tones of your sneakily-disguised Canadian accent as you soothe their anxiety with proclamations of "Come here, fella", and "Good boy" before turning the tides and bellowing "IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RELEASE ROCKET RICHARD (*ree-SHARD*) AND GO ALL GORDIE HOWE ON THAT SWEET MOOSE ASS! HODGEY SHOOTS... HE SCORES!!!"
The Moose Fellatio Hat Trick is completed by your enjoyment of blowing one John Roberts of Bryson City, North Carolina. I feel I need expound no further on the utter disgust this mental image brings to the populace of the human race. It transpired... and no effort on your part can alter its existence.
I shall now focus of my initiative on that hirsute caterpillar you are culturing on your upper lip and anterior cheek region. It appears as though you have been enjoying your fine Canadian delicacy of Molson & Sloppy Joe's a bit too much. Or perhaps you have been playing scat games with Gargamel from The Smurfs. The most likely excuse, however, is your interminable joy of Rimming James Ryan™. That's right, my plebes, the Hollywood Faggot has the ass-cavity of a Wookie.
In conclusion, neither you nor your family belong in the same contention with me. Enjoy your parting gifts, and I wish you well in your future endeavours.
That "Kingslayer" nickname's not working out so well for you, is it Chris? And after you tried so hard to live the gimmick by fathering several children on your hot sister. I heard she likes a little Lannister in the canister.
Game of Thrones? More like Game of Damaged Chromosomes, am I right, Adam Dan?
I was going to make some kind of joke about Adam Dan's astrological sign being Cancer, but it's not. It's Taurus, because it's bullshit that he got to keep living. Also because his Taurus is the only place he's allowed to have Internet access.
Speaking of which, the "porn" Adam Dan's wife caught him watching online? Tim Tebow game tape. He's not allowed to watch Jets games anymore either.
What's the difference between Adam Dan and Santino Marella? Santino's character still seems fresh by comparison.
What's the difference between Adam Dan and Jay Leno? Leno's jokes seem funny by comparison.
What's the difference between Adam Dan and Jim Duggan? People were happy when Duggan beat cancer.
But that's just mean. I don't actually wish Adam Dan had died a slow and excruciating death. Quick and painless would have been fine by me. But as we've all seen from his e-mails, the only thing Adam Dan knows how to be is slow and excruciating.
He is the Atomic One. His atomic number? 5 (Boron)
Hey Kingslayer, what say you use those powers to get rid of some Kings worth off-ing: Lebron James, Joffrie, or those hockey homos from LA. You are wasting your powers on Johnny Bellefield and LOLer? Aim higher motherfucker!!
You think it would be in bad taste if Punk came out at Night of Champions and said, "You come at the King, you best not miss. I'm talking to you heart attacks."
My opponent for this week is the Hollywood Homo, James Ryan. He is my brother from another mother and my cohost for Army of Dorkness. That won't stop me from railing him like the local 408 boys do me on a saturday night though.
James Ryan is a fan of the Doyers, the Lions, the Lakers, and the USC Trojans. Is this guy serious? At least the teams I picked BECAME hard to root for eventually. He chose 3 of the most insufferable teams to follow in the history of sports. He is also a Lions fans in case that one slipped by.
Jimmy "Jew-blower" Ryan fancies himself as the talented half of Army of Dorkness, wait, no that one is true. Moving on...
Are you guys aware that he is gay? I am. How else do you think we met?
Remember that time I fell asleep while listening to Wait Til Next Year? Well listen to their next episode to find out the full story. It's as riveting as listening to Jabba the Enright.
Am I the only one who thought it was a little fishy that Jerry LOLer had a heart attack with Bret Hart present?
"I did it for Kaufman" -Jerry's heart valves.
JB King thinks that me advancing for the final four means that this tournament is pointless? You're dead, and none of even sent flowers.
If Adam Dan somehow ends up winning this thing he will be the King Mable of MNF. At least I will be the Mr. Ass!!
As always, "The Dashing Franchise" Cam Gullett!
James Ryan RAWZ
Good evening MNFers! I'm back from my wonderful weekend vacation to the badlands of Fresno, California for a wedding and then tempted the fates by journeying into Yosemite National Park! I dare you to give me the Hantavirus!!!
Welcome to another heart stopping, pulse pounding, arm numbing 3 Hour Edition of RAW!!!
Phew, I'm a little out of breath from that intro!
Hold on. Time out. I think I need to take a breather or something.
In "The Skit That Wouldn't End", Otunga said that the Brogue Kick "causes extreme nerve damage and tingling of the extremities of your victims?" Lawler?
I guess The King didn't drink his 5 Hour Energy, but that's for later!
SANDBLAST OF THE EMAIL! Austin Sanders, the only positive thing about you and your emails is your HIV status. But please, continue submitting them, you diseased Haitian prostitute!
Tell your mom when she gets over her UTI to page me because I'd like to give her another one. #cranberryjuice
In this weeks show, Chris Alt asked, and I quote, "What does John Drouin gotta do to get a little love from you guys?"
ANSWER: "Die in a fiery automobile crash." The Universe has spoken, ladies and gentlemen!!!!
Is Brodus Clay legitimately retarded? He just said "Wassup?" to CM Punk and stood there grinning off into the distance. He really sounded like South Park's Jimmy. #TVforVendetter
Speaking of fat people, we, the emailers of MNF Male Bag need to stop bullying James Enright. This has gone on too long. He's has enough on his plate as it is already.
DID YOU KNOW: The Enright Family is known as the Minnesota Wrecking Crew, on account of the amount of Buffets they've destroyed across the Mid Western states!
I love TEAM FRIENDSHIP!!! Thankfully it's not Team Brony! However, I still think they should be the name I suggested last week, The Brothers of YEStruction!
And now we've come to the part of RAW that gets a little crazy:
I hear loud audible breathing from someone behind the announce desk. Either Jerry Lawler just ran a 10K or he is suffering a legit heart attack.
Or the breathing is coming James Enright after he thought about exercising. #NotGoinHappenPassMeTheGravyBoat
Suddenly The Hart Foundation has jumped the guard rail and has attacked Jerry Lawler!!! Oh my god, it's pandemonium!!!! Bret Hart has been playing the part of "Verbal Kint" since his final days in WCW!! #OMGSWERVE!!!!
The Harts are jumping on King and destroying him! They have finally got revenge on Lawler since his Anti-Stu and Helen Rants!!! Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Bruce Hart, Keith Hart, Dean, and OHMYGOD OHMYGOD!!! Stu and Owen Hart have repelled from the rafters!!!! THEY'RE BACK!!!! Also...what's this?!? Brian "Crush" Adams, Stan Stasiak, and Ox Baker has joined in on the beatdown!!! The Masters of the Heart Punch have reunited for the First time ever!!! Dr. Death Steve Williams has also hit the announce area to bring down the King!
Meanwhile, back to real life, it seriously looks like that Heart Punch that Ox Baker delivered on Lawler in 1978 has slowly but surely found its mark. Ox Baker, everyone, known as the "Methodical Master of the Glacial Speeded Offense" #ObscureProWrestler! #DontCallMeShirley
I find it ironic that for someone who's looked like a puffed up, meat sweated, red faced, baby-faced man since he got behind the Monday Night Raw desk that tonight is his first career heart attack. #CallBittyforAdvice
That being said, I am glad to hear that Lawler is alive and recovering. He apparently was dead for 20 minutes and it took 7 shocks from the defibrillator to wake him up. #LIVEDAMNYOULIVE
Though, this would have been the perfect week for Michael Cole to do his best Clint Eastwood RNC impression!
"So I’ve got The King sitting here and I just was going to ask him a couple of questions. But you know, I remember 17 months ago when Mr. Lawler lost his Wrestlemania match and, no, I wasn’t a big supporter..." #VincesIdeaofCrashTV
Enough of these shenanigans, I've recovered from my mysterious heart attack to give it my all for my King of the Ring match against Cam Gullet!
Now that I've got that out of the way. Cam, when I first spoke to you before and on our first episode of Army of Dorkness, I really did believe your entire vocabulary is solely based on the words, "Uh", "Umm" and the ever popular, "Yeah". Over the months of knowing you, I have come to believe that in my heart of hearts that you are a racist, insensitive, mouth breathing troglodyte, but the bottom line is, you're my racist, insensitive, mouth breathing troglodyte of a broadcast colleague, and I wouldn't have it any other way. When I realize who I could have been paired with in the beginning of this podcast fun, I would have probably shot myself after one episode.
I will leave you with this quote from the late, great Hunter S. Thompson, which I feel best describes you from my point of view sometimes.
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."
Have a great show,
James Ryan "The Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network"
Which one of these two should move on in the King of the Ring tournament?
Jon Drouin King of the Ring!
Chris and Andy,
Wow. What a week!
First of all, I am so excited to win my VERY FIRST TITLE on your show. While I’m sure the Heavyweight Champion is a prestigious title, The Intercontinental Championship has such a storied history. Now I get to have my name listed alongside legendary emailers like Chris Alt and Cam Gullett and Tom Roper. Thank you for this terrific honor.
But that’s just the start. Here I am, a brand new e-mailer to your show, a guy who hasn’t even received a single vote in the weekly competition, and suddenly I'm caught up in a whirlwind of competition and excitement! I’m in a headline feud as one of the final two emails. How does one prepare for such a big event? I can’t imagine.
Dustin Faber introduced me to your show, and let's be honest – he is clearly a role model of mine. He asked me to substitute for him in the King of the Ring, but let me make this clear: I am just a one week fill-in for #TeamFaber, but I will do my best to represent. And if I should be so fortunate to receive more votes than Cam this week, I will proudly step aside so Dustin Faber can return to his rightful place in this tournament. Anything to help Dustin.
But this is a terrible burden that I have to carry. While I enjoy listening to many of the personalities on this network, Cam Gullett is clearly my favorite regular host that is not named Chris Alt. So now, to honor Dustin Faber, and to uphold the rules and regulations of this honorable network and show, I need to write an email that directly confronts Cam.
I can’t imagine that anyone else on this network envies my position. Who wants to shoulder the burden of crafting an entire email devoted to mocking and insulting Cam Gullett? I mean, these King of the Ring emails usually read like evil, mean spirited comedy roasts, but here I am with an opponent who only deserves praise. Cam works hard on his own podcast, and selflessly pitches in to help other podcasts when they are short-handed. I hold no ill will towards Cam Gullett. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I find it honorable when everyone mentions Cam’s support for the Navy.
I've tried, but I am not strong enough. I cannot say a bad word about Cam. This burden is simply too much for me to bear. But one thing I’ve learned, is that when you are carrying a heavy burden, there is no shame in asking for help.
So I sought out the wisdom and words of another. I searched far and wide, and contacted a few other emailers and Flawedcast hosts, but I couldn’t find anyone who was willing to step up and help me write something negative about Cam Gullett. But just when I was about to give up hope, I found someone. I found someone who was willing to carry this burden, someone that was willing to write some things about Cam Gullett for this contest. Interestingly, this person was on your show about four weeks ago, but suddenly disappeared without a trace. I think everyone is wondering what happened, and if there would be a return.
Chris, I do need to speak directly to you for a moment. There will be some things said about Cam. But sadly, you do get caught in the crossfire. I want to be explicitly clear that these are not my words. I, Jon Drouin, am a huge Chris Alt fan, and I wouldn’t dream of saying anything critical about your behavior. It would mean a lot to me, if you would acknowledge that you understand this, and that the comments below are not mine, and are just part of this competition.
Are we good? OK.
Chris, if you are reading this email, I'd like to kindly ask you to step aside for just a moment, so that Andy may provide one of his patented Introductions:
There is one person with the fortitude to shoulder this burden.
There is one person who has previously dealt with Cam Gullet.
There is one person who has graciously volunteered to actually say a negative word about Cam Gullett.
Making a Triumphant Return to the Flawedcast Network and to Monday Night Flaw and to The MaleBag
From The United States of America…
From the County of Pulaski…
The One and Only…
“Annoying things about Cameron:
He's NEVER wrong.
His voice carries.... His regular talking voice is as loud as most people's yelling voice.
He thinks he's hysterical.
He likes Prince.
He refuses to believe that he's a Ginger, but it's written all over his face.
(His hair is mostly brown but his beard is as red as they come).
And you can tell him to keep his shoes off my coffee table.
He and Chris both act like their mothers never demanded that they keep their shoes off the furniture.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I cannot follow Sarah’s phenomenal words with any amount of justice.
However, I must repeat myself. These are not my words. I don’t have anything bad to say about Cam, or Chris Alt, or even Cam’s mom. Sarah even mentioned Cam’s mom. Who on earth would ever bring her into this challenge?
#TeamFaber cannot be denied. I am honored to have played my very small part in this grand Tournament. I am merely a Steward for Sarah Alt's words, and I am merely a Knight in Dustin Faber's Army. Please join me in wishing Cam Gullet well, but voting for #TeamFaber. I look forward to listening to Dustin Faber in the next round.
Yo me quiere un poco de agujero de la gloria!
Dustin Faber, the man I nicknamed The Catholic Curbstomper is afraid to go one...on one...with The Dashing Franchise? You'd think a good Catholic like him wouldn't turn down just an easy opportunity to get up close and personal with a raging homosexual like me, Cam Gullett!!
And now I am stuck in a match against this new comer, Jon whatshisname. Between you and me I think this "church" that Jon and Dustin met at is actually what we in the business like to call a "Truckstop Discotech."
Jon Drouin? More like Jon Droolin....for cock!
WWE is in Australia right now. Any chance Tom Roper finally gets his opportunity to have Damien Sandow throw him around the ring like his own personal Rosa Mendes?
Ziggler coming out to Jericho's music and using his entrance this week was phenomenal. It reminded that it is actually possible to imitate Y2J without being a humorless piece of shit. 'Sup Cliff Snotes?
On a completed unrelated note, I have officially sued Ryback for his stealing my "Feed Me More" catchphrase as it is really causing confusion amongst my many faithful customers.
Not sure if you guys saw the story or not, but one of the Funkadactyls got arrested for a DWI recently. Apparently Cameron offered a $10,000 bribe for the officers to let her go. I usually just offer up my services for an upcoming bachelor party. Different scams for different Cams I suppose.
Jon Drouin is a man who has went by many names. Some might even go so far to call him the man of a 1000 douchebags; copyright James Ryan.
Well I am the man of 1001 douchebags, as my many clients will attest: #1 Arnold Bar, #2 Armmie Barts, #3 Armel Baron, etc.
Jon Drouin is like a Hydra of asshole. Every head that gets cut off is just replaced by an even less funny, but sometimes ethnic, asshole.
Is Cam Gullett breaking kayfabe too much in one email? Hi Dwayne and Phil!
Welcome to King of the Ring, Johnny Boy. Now put a dick in your mouth!
I have drawn your substandard being as my next casualty on the journey to secure my rightful crown as the inaugural Monday Night Flaw “King of the Ring”. I would generally refrain from exerting too much energy on simpletons such as yourself, but because the masses insist, I shall grace you with an iterative categorization of my superiority in hopes of eliciting some cachinnation from our abderian friend, Sir Alt.
1) I was a 3-time regional spelling champion. You pride yourself on your adoxography, but your word formation is more difficult to navigate than AJ Lee’s pubic region. #ItsAVeritableForestDownThere
2) I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Economics from an esteemed American university. You have a degree in eternal bachelorhood, you revolting troglodyte. If Earth was ever visited by an alien race, I would commit Seppuku (or “harakiri”) out of my dishonor of sharing species categorization with you.
3) I have a Master’s Degree in Industrial Engineering from that same prestigious university. You have mastered making the entirety of the civilized world question the American education system, you illiterate dullard. Your life narrative could only be truthfully portrayed by that retarded fellow who played Corky on “Life Goes On.”
4) My phallus is a glorious and immaculately crafted instrument of orgasmic generosity. Your phallus is as miniscule as Sir Corbitt’s little finger and as misshapen as Sir Enright’s smile. #ZigzagPinkyDick
5) I had the intestinal fortitude to defeat cancer. You repeatedly succumb to canker sores from the herpes-laden penises you take pleasure in fellating. Please kill yourself.
6) I have traveled the world and engaged in witty banter and repartee with the native citizens of myriad territories. You have traveled to various wharfs and engaged in bestial acts with myriad canines and marsupials. It transpired… and no effort on your part can alter its existence.
7) I frequently partake in the fine liquors and spirits this world has to offer. You frequently partake in the semen of the ginger bear, Cameron Gullet. Your daily thirst for testosterone can only be placated by his dewy essence.
I feel I need continue no more on this path of detailing my unambiguous superiority to you, Sir Bellfield. I wash my hands of you, and I wish you well in your future endeavors in your more attainable aspirations of becoming “King of the Twinks”.
Good Day, Sir.
I remain in contention for the King of the Ring, while you remain in contention for the King of the Golden Corral.
NEENER NEENER NEENER! YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR WEINER!
Good Day, Sir. -Master Gator
JB King JB KING and the"Make a Wish' Foundation visit Adam Dan
Ladies and Gentlemen
The only living
Here is JB King!!!
Cuntateers, puts your clams together for the lovely Andy and Chrissy
Thanks bitches now let’s get it started, or retarded whichever. Summer Slam has come and gone and I can’t wait to go next year. I’m sorry if you didn’t see my signs this year but they got confiscated. Apparently having a sign that says “AJ Lee has a massive bush” and “Way to knock it out of the park there Jackson Andrews” didn’t fly with customs. Probably because I’m black or something. Anyway that didn’t stop me from starting a “Kobe Bryant” chant during the Prime Time Players match. You’re welcome.
Afterwards I decided to go to the zoo the next day. I was listening to our recent male bag when I was walking through the monkey exhibit. Sure enough I was on the ‘pink eye’ joke from last week and decided to put my phone on speaker for the monkeys to listen to. The next 3 minutes I could not believe. The monkeys became agitated. They were soon gnashing their own teeth and slamming their fists on the cages. And I think one of them was aggressively masturbating in front of a bush. So I’ve come to the conclusion of Chris Alt’s famous monkey howls. For monkeys it’s like listening to the Creep Show.
With this amazing achievement, surely this was the week I won right? No? James won? Well shit. I guess it’s hard not to vote for a guy who is using MNF’s favorite go to joke Nate Corbitt (Sorry Cam). You’ve bested Nate. And as you can tell he really tried last week. I’m sure Nate’s excuse for his pathetic email is like his excuse for not exercising; his heart couldn’t handle the pressure. And good job on winning the second “Rack’em” Award from Chris. Or as he likes to put it, the ‘first’. Way to remember Aaron Gaston there Jerry Lawler. But what can I say good job and congratulations to James. And thank you again for enjoying my work. However, I’m sad to say that I did not do the Troy/AJ 69 joke. That was the other Jon you asshole. I don’t ask for much but how the hell did you get me mixed up with “new” guy you creepy Jack Black looking stunt double. I mean I don’t get you mixed up with a guy with your same first name on here do I? You fat Staff Sgt. Piece of shit! Anyway I’m glad we cleared that up.
Dear Andy, please don’t let that Canadian ‘Ray Ramano’ sounding douchebag Scott Taylor read his own impact recaps again. It was like watching a Special Olympics 4x400 relay. I was laughing at first but then I just felt bad after the first 3 minutes. Yeah, you heard me fuck you Kermit. By the way I had no idea BINGO games were making you racist. That could explain why Nana Alt is so strange around coloreds. She must be a league Bingo champ or something.
Austin Sanders, I hope to hear from you again soon because I miss the non-sensible horseshit that flies out of your sperm dumpster you call a mouth. And congrats on being Monday Night Flaw’s favorite new meme. It happened, and there’s nothing you can do about it. See you next week brah.
(Car Crash sound effect)
Stu Little. So I guess you won your first intercontinental title eh? I’m not sure if it’s because Andy forgot what an insult was or because he just wanted a fresh target this week. In any case welcome to midcard bitch! I could go on a rant and bury you miserably, but I’m not. You see, I already know there is no fucking way James Enright is NOT going to win the intercontinental title this week. He won’t even have to mention you to get it. He’s that good…and fat.
Speaking of Jaba the Hut…James Enright. What’s wrong? In case you haven’t noticed we make fun of EVERYONE here on male bag. I’d ask what’s your ‘beef’ but I don’t want to give you a hunger hard on. I’m sure you have enough stress in your life worrying about losing your foot to diabetes but don’t let this show get to you. If people mock you or make fun of you for being 400 pounds…who cares! People still think I’m legitimately retarded and they still vote for me…sometimes. And just remember fat means flavor, and anyone with THAT much fat has to be able to bring A LOT of flavor to the Flawedcast network. I’d tell you to ‘suck it up’ but instead I’ll say ‘suck it in’. Just remember, while you struggle with your belt extender just remember you brought this upon yourself you fat piece of shit. Every time I see you smile I remind myself to go fix my fence. Hey Look! A bad teeth reference instead of fat joke! Yay!
P.S. Andy, James has been training with Petey Williams and can now do a piledriver called the “Canadian Bacon Destoryer” So add that to the list.
Well I think we’ve chewed the fat long enough so let’s get to the questions shall we?
Questions One: You tapped out! You tapped out! Wow, listen to the standing ovation from the WWE Universe! Fuck you Jerry Lawler. In case you didn’t notice from Summerslam the crowd decided to shit on Triple H for the slow match. But in Jerry’s world, it’s a different story. Where will this end? I made a small list of things that are happening hypothetically and you tell me how Jerry Lawler would respond.
1. Sheamus stabs a heel
2. John Cena does a low blow
3. Vickie Guerrero dies
4. Kharma has a miscarriage
5. Kofi drunk drives over an infant
6. Chris Benoit murders his family
Question Two: A question for Chris since this is a wrestling videogame question and you are the resident gaming expert of the Flawedcast Network (fuck you John Merideth) . No Andy, it’s not about Portal 2 but let me just say double fuck you to Chris for not playing and finishing that game yet. It’s phenomenal. Stop playing Lego Batman and play that shit. Anyway, the one thing I’ve always noticed on WWE games recently is the superstar’s stats. I understand they are under ‘kayfabe’ circumstances and they are not THAT accurate but I always found it fascinating on how some superstars rise or fall in stats tremendously over the years. The Miz went from a 78 overall to a 90 in one year. Randy Orton went from 70 to 88 in 2005 and so on. Who do you expect to have the biggest push and drops in stats? Also, just kidding Andy go ahead and answer.
And now onto my King of Ring opponent. I didn’t want to deal with him at first and that’s not just because he is probably contagious, but because I just wanted to earn a win on the merit of writing a good email regardless. But Andy said the ‘Make a Wish’ Foundation wanted me to go see him. So if I can make one mutant’s day better than why not. I had no idea you wanted me that bad. Andy said you asked for me specifically. Well, that or Andy was just yanking me to make fun of you. Fuck it.
Adam Dan, it looks like we have crossed paths yet again. I remember our first dispute. You helped me win my first Intercontinental Title. I have gone on to more accolades and you have gone on to your very own podcast. Well except this week. Andy did a nice job though. I would say we have both grown as individuals but I know the Chemo has whittled your bones to tooth picks. But despite God’s plan you beat cancer. And all it cost you was your immune system, sarcasm, your taste in football teams and most of your sperm. Thankfully you were smart enough to shove a Game Genie up your ass and use the infinite sperm code in order to make a child. And now, you have a child soon to care for (calm down Bryan). I wish the best for you and your Milano colored miracle.
But this is where your path ends my friend. Because the only way to get through me is like the only way your wife lets you use the computer, and that’s with our permission. Permission Denied sir. I am not here to grant wishes. I am here to win the king of the ring. Now smile for the camera so I can let you jerk off to your Tebow poster. It will be our little secret.
Good evening, MNFers! It's "The Golden Voice" of the Flawedcast Network, James Ryan! Demko, you're doing a wonderful job this week as both hosts of Male Bag and MNF! And to think, just a few shorts months ago, apprently everyone hated your guts and thought you were a complete and utter douche. Now look at you, you've taken control of this Flawedcast Network and have become the host of all of the shows! You truly are a gem. Stay Platinum!
First off, I'd like to apologize to the listeners for not submitting an email to last week's show. As it turns out when I went on the offensive against the so-called "Lord of the Internet", I was summarily blockaded and denied my First Amendment Rights to share the good word with the denizens of Monday Night Flaw! He truly controls all of the Internets! That injustice will not stand! Cam, send TV for Vendetta another one of your Flaming Emails!!! #ItsPoopAgain! #NOHOMO
But that's much later...first off here's some RAW thoughts....
Oh what the fuck WWE. DJ Pauly Douche Bag as the new Social Ambassador? Did Sheen go on another bender? Why does the WWE always get people they think are "hip" or "cool" a few years after they've grown stale? Maybe they'll bring in Gallagher next as Intercontinental Watermelon Ambassador!
With that image, Chris Alt just grew a Mallet in his nether regions! #MalletAlert
By the way, Chris, I have two first names. Have a nice summer.
Hey AJ, does Linda McMahon know you raid her wardrobe? John Bender, everyone!
JB King, love what you're doing and keep representing our side of the coast. Might I also offer some alternatives to Troy Polamalu 69ing AJ's Asian bush?
A)Art Garfunkel B)Meng, the Face of Fear C)Macy Gray D)Seth Rogan E)All the above
Back to the action! Now, gentlemen, I don't watch Smackdown, but since going from the announce desk to the GM's office, Booker T has apparently found religion?
We are the Nation...of Islam! #assalamualaikum!
TOUT: What do you think of Booker T's decision? More importantly Booker, where can I get a some delicious bean pie?
Answer: At the corner of Crenshaw Blvd and Slauson!
Did mildly drunk and confused Roddy Piper actually dropped two "movie about frogs" references! You sly dog! #HellComestoFrogtown
I actually think Piper is having a stroke on live television. #Call911
Y2J "wins" the twitter-off to go talk to Piper, but to no one's surprise Dick Ziggler and his step-mother crash the party. And then Miz comes out! Piper manages to get out one more "Frogs" reference. "Regular Boys Haircut" Miz then says "I don't care about the fans voting!" Obviously neither does the powers that be at the WWE. Hey fans, don't vote for anything, because they'll do what they want anyway! #DieVinceDie
Oh look, JTG is out to lose! Poor guy. I hope he doesn't get that nasty ocular infection from Ryback! That's some serious conjunctivitis, pal. Is Scott Baio guest hosting RAW tonight? Ryback reminds me of Snitsky and his Bacne. Two gross, sweaty muscled up dudes. No, I'm not talking about Cam's ideal Saturday Night. #BestMaleWhoreinArkansas
I guess the Decade of Tensai has come to a screeching halt. He lost the match to the Latino Landscaping Engineer and then his Asian valet gets beat up. #PoorShortRound
Did you guys love Brock's Surprise Butt Secks on HBK in the parking garage!?!?! Where's your Messiah now, God Boy? Oh yeah, in your poop chute.
Okay, on to more important things.
Ryan Dangerfield? More like Die in a Serbian Minefield! AMIRITE?!? #nailedit
James Enright. A few weeks ago, you asked me if my parent's knew that I'm gay? They knew that cold hard fact the day I chose theater as my college major, fatboy! USC.edu!
Cold Hard Fact #1 of the Night: James Ryan graduated with a Bachelor's Degree in Theater from the University of Southern California.
Now James, granted that I've never seen a picture of you and I'm only going on what Andy told me about you. When I hear your emails being read aloud, I can just visualize you gasping for air with your long drawn out inhales and exhales that contain a faint aroma of dried tuna fish sandwiches and day old baked goods. You profusely sweat bacon grease with every sentence as your gargantuan greasy sausage sized digits laboriously type an email on your laptop/meal tray. I sincerely hope to God that if you're the person in left in charge of saving our country and pushing the Red Button to nuke the Chinamen, that you put down your KFC Double Down in an orderly fashion, press the forward button on your motorized scooter to slowly drive 5 feet and save us all. Unlike the United States, I don't negotiate with fatties. Now hurry up with my Hot Dog on a Stick order!
Austin Sanders. You're correct. As "MNF Rookie Sensation", I'll heed your words and cease and desist being such a hateful man. I sincerely hope you or the other MNFers don't think I hate fags. I am down with the homos. I think the record shows that I've been pretty fair when it comes to fags and queers. In fact, my broadcast colleague is a raging butt pirate. Which one you may ask? Don't ask, don't tell! You just remember, I brought the Colonel into this world, and I can take him out...for a nice seafood dinner and never call you again. #SaintMantooth
Cold Hard Fact #2 of the night: Thai Dao's full name is actually Thailand Dil-Dao.
No one takes shots at him, so consider that one a love tap of sorts. Everyone check out his band at TheSlants.com!
Adam Dan. You're a wonderful Mobile DJ and I truly hope you don't get into any road rage incidents while recording your show on the highways and byways of Florida, but then again, that would be good for ratings! I just wanted to say, don't get down when all these humanoids poke fun at you and your bout with the Big C. You survived a disease which has taken millions of lives thus far. Look on the bright side, at least you can't get cancer again! Oh wait, that's just chicken pox. Never mind then!
And now onto my King of the Ring match, wait a minute, where is he? Has anyone seen a smallish man-boy with a goatee around here? Oh, there you are! Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to welcome the co-host of the Wait Till Next Year podcast, "The Molassesed Voiced" Nate "Pun" Corrbitt. I have no beef against you Nate, but I assure you that this will no't be a pushover. If I may reuse an overused cliche as of late, this won't be a "FingerPoint of Doom match." You're a good man, Charlie Brown, and I'm not just saying that cause you're bald. We haven't seen you on RAW since you revealed that you were the Mysterious RAW GM. I for one have been worried. First the Keelber Tree burns down and then you're ousted as RAW GM. But then like the phoenix that you are, you found a new job! Congrats in this time of financial crisis. You have a family to feed and you found a way to beat the odds. And all this while, you were under our noses, no Pun intended. You've been styling and profiling as the "Just for Men" Spokesman this entire time!!
Here's You in Action!
Thanks, My Little Biddy Buddy! Glad to see things are looking up for you, instead of the other way around!
James Ryan "The Golden Voice" of the Flawedcast Network and co-host of the wildly popular Army of Dorkness
Nate Corbitt James Ryan
Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network? More like Golden Shower of the Flawedcast Network! Amiright?!?!
Thank you! Make sure you listen to Wait 'Til Next Year only on the Flawedcast Network. And speaking of Wait 'Til Next Year, hey Andy, why don't you debut our new commercial RIGHT HERE on Monday Night Flaw!
*This email is early due to it being a wonderful day.*
Why hello everyone! It's cherry blossoms and falling kitty's outside. As you can tell I'm in a good mood this week. Because during the last weeks emails, I was angry and filled with rape hate. I was finally noticed by all of my peers on the malebag! YAY! and I was you're Intercontinental champion! DOUBLE YAY! I'm so very happy this week and I just want to hug all of you with my best Barney the dinosaur hugs!
Although I would understand if you would think my gleeful hugs were an attempted rape. No no no yes no no no no...That's not me this week. Let me explain my happiness to you all! And no it's not that I found Christ, But good for you Faber! ""GOD"" for you for finding the lord! Lolz. puns. Just another reason for me not to kill myself. I love puns. PUNSHOUSE.COM! go there fa...errr saints.
Now back to my good news. If you listen back about 2 weeks ago, I said some pretty mean spirited stuff. Some stuff I'm not proud of.....some. If you haven't listened to malebag 13, you can go to flawedcast.COM and listen there. Haaha, I know it's dot net. We like to joke here on the malebag. Don't worry Andy, I'm sure you'll make it to the big leagues someday at the "dot coms".OR you can listen on the stitcher app! Did you know that's how I got to know about this wonderful show? No? COLD HARD FACTS! I LOVE REFFRENCEING OTHER PODCAST SHOWS! IT'S HYSTERICAL, ORIGINAL, AND NEVER GETS OLD AT ALL!, UNLIKE ME! *Stares at Cam.*
Wow, I'm REALLY getting off track. So as I was saying...I got my notoriety I've been so very crack head "I'll suck ya dick for a dollar" Attention I've desperately waited for! I was in awe! I was champion! I WAS FINALLY HAPPY FOR ONCE!
Everyone hates me.
My happiness turn to frowns and I was down all day. I tried to not give a flying fuck about what others thought about me, but it didnt work. I tried to also do the things that made me happy. Play a game, work out, Chill with my family, skin a cat, improve my Randy Savage voice impression, Stand in front of Chick-fil-a with a "fuck you faggot" sign (very accurate cam), sing "Don't stop me now" by queen in front of locals on the street WHILE standing in front of chick-fill-a with a fuck you faggot sign. And finally, Just being with my loving sexy smart and caring Girlfriend......oh wait.....
I was just a pile of sad. But something inside of me turned on my flame. I had this sudden urge to...well...be plesent. I was just happy to be alive! And you know what, I have to think it was all Fabers doing. No one has ever wanted to trade me their biological daughter just to legally call me a son. I cried again, but it wasn't a "bad" cry or "rape" cry, It was finally a happy cry. I saved those tears, just to prove myself I COULD be happy. Here is a picture of what it looks like.
Yeah I got some work to do in my basement, BUT LOOK! A HAPPY GIRL IN MY BASEMENT! FINALLY!!!!! THANKS FABER!
So because of my happiness, I want to say nice things about everyone who participated last week! And yes, this IS technically what Faber did last week. But you know what they say, flattery is the best form of Faber!
But before I do that, I just want to say a few things in regards to last weeks emails.
First off, um..ok...Chris. Andy. Straw dogs was a movie. And you apparently didn't get my joke. I was basically saying that I wanted Vin to get raped. ehhh it was probably redundant anyway because he was touched by his father and mouth fucked by Depsop. And no, these arn't jokes. You wanna know what theses are? COLD HARD FACTS!
Also, you are now thinking of Sarah reading last weeks email.
ALRIGHT-A-ROONIE! AFC IS OPEN! And now handing out free equality and complements.
Lets see here...who emailed first...mmm...lets seeOH WAIT IT WAS ME...again...for like the third week in a row and probably this weeks too. 5 stars for consistency!
James Enright. You're fat. Am I Enright? No. No I am En'WRONG sir. You are big boned and don't let anyone tell you other wise sweetie.
Nicole. The great little mouth! Oh I'm sure that's a lie, since you're marrying Andy. (That's my complement to you big stuff. wink wink your dick is like a hung manatee wink) Also Nicole, by the sound of those "Yes's" on last weeks malebag, You seem strong and aggressive enough to make ANDY tap out in bed. 5 stars for wearing the pants in the house.
Jon Drouin. I hope you email in more. But be warned, people are vicious on here. But as long as you can change you're personality on a dime like Cliff can, I'm sure you'll fit right in.
Demko. Never leave. You're like the hot girl in the bar with no friends surrounding her. But before you get the chance to ask her for a drink she just leaves. Demko, please don't leave like hot women at the bar.
Hodgie. I honesly don't know much about you, but Keep emailing in. You'll be the third Faber in no time, second btw is me.
Cam Gullet. Fuck you and you're sexuality. God hates fags queer bag. See, I even made a song about how homo you are and it's ironically in the tune of "Happy and you know it"
If you're Gullet and you know it clap your hands (clap clap) If you're Gullet and you know it clap your hands (clap clap) If you're Gullet and you know it and your shit dick clearly show it, if you're Gullet and you know it, clap your hands (clap clap)
Whatever, fuck you.
Clifsnotes. Read above statement fag-a-tron.
Stu Little. I enjoyed you're email last week! I will offer a friendly challenge, if you and I are opponents at king of the ring, I am declaring that you get off your bagpipe and come out of retirement from rapping cause I want to beat you at your own game! This is a friendly challenge and I hope you accept. May the best man win. Oh and don't worry about me not being in king of the ring, Cam's a faggot.
Dustin, I would gladly step aside if you ever asked my to. And would even not email in the week I face you. My words from above have said enough to make you out to be this awesome Bibleman. I hope this complement is "GOD" enough for you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.aw man....Puns.
JB Kink. What happens when you take 40 letters and 40 spell checks? You get a successful, funny and ironically not ripping me off email! I'm assuming you're champ this week. But stop calling people fags man, it's hurtful.
James Ryan, you need to stop being so hateful man. These people here think you hate fags. It's killing your rep. But good way to put pedo in his place. At home with an ankle bracelet. Can't wait for him to make a "pout" video just as much as I can't wait for you're "trout" video. For those who don't know, he cought a fish. It's a trout.
Now for you're host! Andy. You have a big dick. There's your new running gag for ya. Chris. Nice AJ Lee wife! Sarah. Good for you being a nice AJ Lee wife!
And finally. The listeners. The ones that don't email in or download and delete this show out of niceness.
*The fallowing is very raw. listener discretion is advised*
Noncontributing listeners, you are the reason rapist get off on rape. You are the reason millions of rapes go unnoticed every decade you ugly fat old fucks. I'm going to throw you at wal mart and leave you their with not parental supervision. I'm going to set you on fire like Hitler and you're going to have to jack off like you never had before just put out the flames. 5 stars for Hitler comparisons.
I wish I could go back and time and kill you right before you were born. At least you're parents would show up on my doorstep in present time and tearfully thank me because if it werent for me, they wouldn't have the time to do the things they would really want to do. Like not raising a fuck up faggot as a child. Then you're mother would suck me right there while you're father would just watch and say "Now I can enjoy stuff like this cause you killed my personal satin." THEN YOUR FATHER WOULD GIVE ME A RUB! The only bad thing is that "the rub" is 20 dollars. Ask Bj Drag Kink on how that happened.
Now if you got a problem with me, you have a reason to email in now. But you probably won't. Whatever. Have fun playing the new game "Cam Gullet" at you're retard school for failed retards. It's when you walk around eating jiz out of a mayo jar and try to see how many women will kiss you. However this game is a trick and you can never win. because 1- You're ugly, no woman wants to see you're pizza face. 2. You're retarded, and this isn't Forest Gump. Dreams of falling in love don't come true for people like you non-contributing assholes.and 3- It's cum. It's depsops cum. That jar was hole fucked by depsop. It happened and there's nothing you can do about it. Fuck. You. Faggots.
I AM AND SHALL FOREVER BE THE COLONEL. AUSTIN. FUCKING. SANDERS! And I am the most original world heavyweight champ for life.
Love peace and penis greases TheTallOne PS. you lost Gullet. Cry to your mom. Oh wait. Shes dead. at Waffle house. Thanks for the Cam lesson on Facebook. Buttmuffler. PSS. I love life. PSSS. Clit? Clilt? CLILT?! YES! YES! YESSSSSSS! PSSSS. I'm officially a maineventer now faggots. (look at picture below)
I am the 4 time, 4 time, 4 time, 4 time, Best male whore in Arkansas!!!!
Oh yeah, and I have this belt thing too, whatever.
So Austin Sanders think he is going to finally fuck a faggot this week on his way to the King of the Ring tournament? NOT UP IN HERE!! If there is going to be any gay sex going around this dump then it will be me doing the fucking. Speaking of which, you're welcome for the eye candy, Ryback.
Austin Sanders says that if I beat him then he will only email MNF every other week as though that is some incentive to vote against me. Nobody even gives a shit how often that little child emails this show, well DevSop probably cares how often children email the show, but nobody gives a flying fuck what that piece of shit thinks. A real threat to the listening audience would be for me to say that if I were to lose then I would go back to emailing 2-3 completely unfunny emails to the show every week as opposed to the one that I currently send.
JB King is champion once again and if you combine that with George W. Bush getting a second term in office then you truly have reason to believe that retards can accomplish anything that normal people can. Gud jerb Kieng!
I sincerely hope that everyone enjoys Austin rehashing old jokes that have been made about me countless times already as there is literally no new ground to be broken in the war against me. It's kinda like how I have to find a new rest stop every few months because eventually there are just no new dicks to suck.
Could I actually be King of the Ring? It wouldn't be any dumber of a concept than when the WWE let Mable and Bad Ass Billy Gunn be Kings.
Speaking of stupid things in wrestling; fuck you Kevin Nash. Wrestling died when Eddie and Benoit hugged after Wrestlemania XX? Yeah because everyone remembers King Mable vs Diesel and the finger poke of doom as being high points in wrestling mythology and will be telling their children all about that one day. Kevin Nash is to wrestling what Austin Sanders is to the MNF male bag. They are both tall pieces of shit who can barely string a logical thought together and always come off the rails right when you think they are about to be good and worthwhile.
I have been here since day one, and have provided countless hours of laughs to all of the loyal listeners out there, not by necessarily always being funny myself, but more from allowing myself to be the punching bag of the entire flawedcast network and I have done so without complaining once. I do this because by doing so I can make myself more than a man. I do this because I can be a symbol. Not a symbol of hope, protection, and all that Batman bullshit. Nay, I represent a symbol of gay jokes, whoring, and a bullseye for the hackneyed joke tellers who contribute to this male bag and to people looking to get a few bucks for meth alike.
Austin is none of those things, well other than the whole being a cum dumpster thing, he is that. Austin cannot even hold my jock on his best day, mostly because I have already promised that special time to El Serpiente Maracon, because he makes me feel pretty; but also because Colonel Sanders' jokes are about as funny as the idea of letting DevSop watch your young children is.
In all seriousness, Sanders, go die in a ditch you useless, one note joke fuck.
As always, "Dashing" Cam Gullett, cohost of the wildly popular Army of Dorkness.
Adam Dan? More like Adam DANdusky. Adam Dan? More like Adam DAN Alstyne. (see what I did there, I took two well known kid fuckers and made Adam Dan's name sound like theirs, thereby making it look like Adam Dan is also a kid fucker, whether or not he is is up to you guys, but this guy is a last name is a first name guy and every last name is a first name guy I know is a kid fucker [i.e. Fred Solomon])
Adam Dan? More like Adam GAY.
WHAMMY! PLAY MY MUSIC! (Call Me, Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen, pleeeeeeease).
Adam Dan So... you want the belt???
Revered Sir Enright,
You persistently proclaim your ambition to procure a belt. Is that because you consistently disintegrate your own belts, you corpulent microphallic dolt?
As a token of my benefaction, I present you a belt worthy of such plumpish gluttony.