[Andy]

Michael Hodge
The King of the Ring Pee Pee Vee

Hey, Chrandy.

Speaking of Wait Til Next Year, I agree that it was necessary to shake things up, but I'm not sure taking the idea literally by having James Enright walk by the studio was the best way to go. #WeighTonsNowY'all

Hashtag? More like hash browns.

On to business, I'm not going to go the route of my esteemed opponent and recap wrestling shows here. First of all, you guys already do that. Secondly, I stopped watching wrestling altogether when Harry from Harry and the Hendersons popped out of AJ's pants to become the new Raw GM. I'm worried that thing's going to come at me out of my TV like the chick in The Ring. You see, Chris, The Ring was a movie...

Assuming Stu's not too busy tossing his
caber to a Rowdy Roddy Piper poster, I'm sure he's feeling pretty confident that he's going to get an easy win this week. Well, here's the thing, Stu: you're going to need to bring more than one minute of funny in a 15-minute e-mail this week.

It's an epic battle between Canada and Scotland. Bret Hart vs. Drew McIntyre. Chris Benoit vs. ... Drew McIntyre. Chris Jericho vs. ... hold on ... Bill Dundee (source: Wikipedia). Edge & Christian vs. (allegedly) the Highlanders (source: also Wikipedia). Want to know what other ways Canada's better than Scotland? You bet you do:

1. Canada's national anthem? O Canada.



Scotland's national anthem? Scotland the Brave.



2. Canada's national currency? The Canadian dollar -- $1 and $2 coins. Blue, brown, pink, and purple bills. It's got everything you could possibly want.

Scotland's national currency? The British pound. Not the Scottish pound, the British pound. Also, possibly the euro.

3. Canada's national animal? The mighty beaver.

Scotland's national animal? I shit you not: the unicorn. The fucking unicorn. The mytho-fucking-logical unicorn.

4. Canada's greatest hero? Wayne Gretzky.

Scotland's greatest hero? William Wallace. Gretzky would kill Wallace at the NHL skills competition. It's a no-contest.

5. Canada: Hodgey

Scotland: Stu

6. Canada: Has produced literally dozens of main-event wrestlers, including the aforementioned Roddy Piper (put it away, Stu)

Scotland: Drew McIntyre

7. Canada's national musical instrument: not the bagpipes

Scotland's national musical instrument: the bagpipes

8. Canada: This e-mail

Scotland: That e-mail

9. Canada: Mike Myers doing a Scottish accent

Scotland: Everyone doing a Scottish accent. Not very original, are they?

10. Canada: the RCMP -- the iconic national mounted police

Scotland: Scotland Yard -- headquarters of one of the most famous police forces in the world. Located in London.

I believe my point has been made.

And as an appeal to the voters, Stu is a mouse. A Scottish mouse. You can't vote for that shit.

That's it from me.

Have fun. Play safe.

Your pal,

~Hodgey


Stu Little
Hodge Podge


Hey guys,

Boy. I sure love hats. Apparently. And I'm a hipster too...it seems. Jeez, James, I might actually be in some danger of looking bad if you put as much effort into your jokes as you do dinner, or as you call it "Operation Dessert Storm".

Anyway, big night tonight. The King of the Ring Quarter Finals. I've had my theme music changed out of respect for my opponents(and to not jinx myself any more than Andy and the part-timer have). I thought I'd go for something more low key...

I'll get to Hodgey soon enough but first I'll cover some Raw points:

-I officially hate the new theme now. Mostly because of the frequency of the ad breaks and how the bumper for those plays the same first line over and over and over again. The only novelty to the commercial breaks is the graphic they use which looks like a custom-made bowling ball with the Raw logo on it for some reason. Has there ever been a Bowling gimmick in wrestling?

-Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara teamed up for the FIRST TIME EVER on Raw...since the show 5 weeks ago where they were in a 6 man tag together. I'll also mention that a new wrinkle was added to the feud with Cody Rhodes promo from smackdown having him state that the reason Mexicans wear masks when they wrestle is because of their ugliness. I can't believe this racism has flew under the radar! I'd suggest that Cody might as well follow this up with a rant about jews, but I checked a list of current WWE superstars who are jewish and
1. I don't think Kane's CHARACTER is meant to be jewish, given how many crosses his brother's burned over the years
2. I don't think Tensai is ready for a face turn...
Also, can Rey ease back on all the Question Marks on his in ring gear? I know his name is "Mysterio", but at this rate, I expect his next Promo to be "Riddle Me This...Donde Esta La Biblioteca?

-Can we go back to Ryback squashing jobbers? At least we'd have the entertainment value of the funny names those guys would have i.e. Jensen Conrad, Tobias Lockwood, and (hopefully) Benedict Cumberbatch.

-I really enjoyed the Kane/Bryan hug segment, though I will say if you were one of the people who voted for that, you are in my book a party to sexual harassment. You forced those two men who roll around with half naked guys on a nightly basis to instead have to do something uncomfortable and homoerotic! That said, Andy, given that you emulated WWE's TOUT with TROUT and "Ejaculate", when are you going to implement a similar interactive voting elemen? When are you going to get Flaw Active? I'd love to be able to directly impact the events of the show. Here's one example of a poll you could run:

How should James Enright be "rewarded" for his comedic efforts?

#PlateOfLettuce

#KickToTheNuts

#NavalManeuversWithCamGullet

Okay, enough stalling. Time for the main event. Hodgey, my Thor-loving canadian friend, I understand you put your house up for sale not that long ago. Moving huh? Good thing, because Hodgey, WE COMIN' FO' YOU, HOSER!

i.imgur.com/WWqhu.gif

Ah, who am I kidding? I can't work up any real hatred for a beloved colleague such as yourself. It'd be like beating up on a little brother. Because what is a canadian, if not a poor man's scotsman?
-You guys say "aboot"
-You live in perpetual cold
-You have moose
-You're constantly in the shadow of the country south of the border from you
-We have football hooligans, you have Hockey
-"Nova Scotia", really?
-Roddy Piper's entire career of pretending to be scottish, despite not even trying to do any sort of accent.

And that's just the thing. In this situation, you're Roddy Piper, but I'm Drew MacIntyre. And we all know whose career we'd rather have, right? Oh wait...fuck.

Um...Oh, I know...
Michael Hodge? More like Michale Dodge-The-Draft-By-Going-To-Canada, amirite?

Fuck it, that'll have to do. Hopefully you'll just be too polite to even try to compete with me. If I lose, I can always claim everyone else was just using tactical voting because they were scared to face me. Buncha pussies.

Stu "apparently "or Nothing" this week" Little

P.S. Dedicated to Michael Clark Duncan, former member of my Expundables Draft Team. Rest In Peace.

[Stu]

Respect to my opponent. May the best man win.

[The Canadian Content]

Oh sure, go classy to make me look bad.

[Andy]

Good sportsmanship will get you disqualified.