Announcers: John "The Voice of God" Facenda and "The Most Dangerous Comic" Lenny Bruce
King of Trios Tourney for Campeonatos de Trios Straps (The Other Side) Jim Morrison, Phillip K. Dick & John Belushi vs. (Martial Arts Revolution) "The Father of Martial Arts" Bodhidharma, Hélio Gracie, Masutatsu Oyama vs. (League of EVIL) Vlad the Impaler, Al Capone & Walt Disney vs. (By Any Means Necessary) Guy Fawkes, Huey Newton (Black Panther Founder) & Malcom X vs. (Final Solution) Heinrich Himmler, Nathan Bedford Forrest (KKK Founder) & Richard Butler (Skin-Heads Founder)
Inventor's Death Match (Various Inventions (including computer and tattoo machines are littered around ring) - match is over when one of the participants states the opponent's inventions are better) Charles Babbage vs. Samuel O'Riley (accompied by The Great Omi)
"Lion's Stadium Match" for HADF Heavyweight Championship (Hell in a Cell with a second cage surrounding the first cage with Lions) Julius Caesar vs. Pol Pot
Sort of. This is how Kane described it in his autobiography:
One day I called Bill and said, 'I have a new character called the Bat-Man and I've made some crude, elementary sketches I'd like you to look at'. He came over and I showed him the drawings. At the time, I only had a small domino mask, like the one Robin later wore, on Batman's face. Bill said, 'Why not make him look more like a bat and put a hood on him, and take the eyeballs out and just put slits for eyes to make him look more mysterious?' At this point, the Bat-Man wore a red union suit; the wings, trunks, and mask were black. I thought that red and black would be a good combination. Bill said that the costume was too bright: 'Color it dark gray to make it look more ominous'. The cape looked like two stiff bat wings attached to his arms. As Bill and I talked, we realized that these wings would get cumbersome when Bat-Man was in action, and changed them into a cape, scalloped to look like bat wings when he was fighting or swinging down on a rope. Also, he didn't have any gloves on, and we added them so that he wouldn't leave fingerprints.
So Finger verbally suggested most of the visual elements of the costume that are most strongly associated with Batman: the cape and the cowl and the muted color scheme.
The rest of the card to Fat Old Men Fighting: Pork Ass has been announced. Due to technical difficulties, all promos could not be aired on FOMFTV. However, here is a rundown of what has happened backstage.
Joseph McCarthy completely lost his mind when he found out that there were so many commies in this federation. He issued an open challenge, which was accepted by Che Guevara. Guevara has recently signed a sponsorship deal with McDonald’s, which probably explained his luxury clothing, which included a fur coat and hip hop bling. Guevara had this to say:
Che Guevara: Some say I mighta sold my homeboys out. That I have become a capitalist icon. But that just ain’t true. With the help of Coca-Cola, I’ma rise up for the people. Take it to the capitalist pigs, yo. Do it for the people. But I gotta send a shoutout out to my peeps, who have been kind enough to fund the people’s war; McDonald’s, Coca-Cola, the Bush administration, Baby Seal Poachers Inc., and Concerned Mothers Against the Raising of Sweatshop Workers’ Wages. McCarthy, it’s totally on, dawg.
Stalin apparently wanted to add the stipulation that the winner of his bout against Leon Trotsky be made leader of the free world. Trotsky raised no objection, and Barack Obama, the only man with the power to veto a wrestling match by two others for his job, was not able to be reached for comment. A masked federation official (who sounded suspiciously like Eddie Guerrero) therefore confirmed the stipulation.
An interesting development was that Charles Darwin, who was picked up as a free agent, immediately made an impact. Here is a transcript of his first promo:
Charles Darwin: You might know me. I developed the theory of evolution. The called it theory. But it has been proved, time and time again, that some people… are just better than others. I am one of the former. We have the genes. Yet we are still forced to be associated with the types of brutes who are in this arena right now, or watching on their televisions from their sofas, slurping down junk food, wasting away. Called humans. To be considered to be one of the same specie as degenerates such as those is the greatest insult that one could fling at me. I thought that there was no missing link between ape and human. Yet what I failed to realise, was that the missing link was staring me right in the face. They were the humans, and I was the next step. I am the next step. At FOMF: Pork Ass, I will prove myself to be one step ahead on the evolutionary scale.
A few hours later, he was found over the bloodied body of Eric Kulas, saying that he had found the perfect specimen to use at the PPV.
Announcers: Billy Mays and Steve Irwin Commissioner: Redd Foxx
Declaration of Independence on a Pole Match Thomas Jefferson v. Ho Chi Minh Semifinals for the World Tag Titles Michael Jackson/Andrew Jackson v. Mohamed Atta/Abu Musab al-Zarqawi Stretcher Match for Universal Health Care Ted Kennedy v. Ronald Reagan Semifinals for the World Tag Titles Hirohito/Mussolini v. Dwight Eisenhower/Charles de Gaulle
Birmingham Jail Cage Match MLK v. George Wallace
Elimination Match for the Souls of the Audience Pope John Paul II v. Mao Zedong v. Buddha v. Moses
Submission Match for the World Title Hitler v. Gandhi
SF: Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am Sigmund Freud. LWF President for Life, Adi Amin is proud to being you the following card, perhaps because he has mother issues, but whatever.
Along with our play by play man, Gordon "the Great" Solie, and on color, Richard "Bad Mutha Fucka" Pryor, I now defer to our ring announcer, Vincent Price.
VP: Darkness surrounds us everywhere you turn. The fans are thirsty for blood...
Adi Amin is making a throat slashing gesture from his Presidential Box.
RP: Dude is crazy!
VP: Our first match is right up my alley. Behold, two of the creepiest, evilest minds to ever take to the page or screen. I present to you, Edgar Allan "The Raven" Poe, versus Alfred Hitchcock.
GS: This should be a great matchup. Hitchcock has the size advantage. Poe, a former University of Virginia student, may have the mental edge.
RP: If the crackah is sober.
VP: Now it is time for a true clash of the titans. One man became the ruler of the Meditarranean. The other man became the first Roman Emperor. Who is the true ruler of the Greek & Roman world? We're about to find out. Ecorted to the ring by his lovely bride, Livia Drusilla, I present to you, Roman Emperor Octavian Augustus! And his opponent, escorted by a large troop of large, oiled up men for some strange reason...Alexander the Great!
GS: Octavian can not match the sheer power of Alexander the Great. He will need to outsmart him.
RP: Watch that girl, Livia. Bitch is crazy!
VP: Now we have a true treat for you. This is a special Tudors' Revenge Match. *famouse Vincent Price laugh* In the blue corner, we have one of the most famous English kings to ever live. He had eight wives, most whom he put to death. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...King Henry VIII! In the red corner, we have a tag team of two of the most famous women in history. Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn. *famous Vincent Price laugh again* I give to you, Anne Boleyn, and her daughter...Queen Elizabeth I!
GS: Can Henry overcome the numbers here?
RP: Who cares, Anne Boleyn is fine!
VP: The Pharaohs of Egypt ruled their worlds with extreme ruthlessness and were gods among men.
Price looks up to Amin, who seems to like that idea.
VP: In an all time first, we will present to you a war between three of the larger than life Pharoahs of Egypt. First, accompanied by his lovely wife, Queen Nefertiti, I present to you, the Aten, the lord of the one true sun god...Akhenaten! Next, we have the boy king, with a treasure so vast, it is still legendary. Ladies and gentlemen...King Tutankhamen! Finally, we have the man, the myth, the legend. He lived for over eighty years in a time when men often didn;t live into their thirties. he had one hundred sons and outlived most of them. I present to you, the greatest of all the Pharaohs...Ramses II...Ramses the Great!
RP: One hundred sons! Is he related to Shawn Kemp?
GS: If Ramses doesn't take this, I'll be greatly surprised.
VP: Now, I know you all like to see women fight. 'Tis truly a glorious sight. So for your viewing pleasure, we will now have a four way match for the LWF Women's Championship. The participants will be... Anne "the Witch of Tudor London" Boleyn! The Virgin Queen, Elizabeth I! The Enigmatic Queen of Egypt...Nefertiti! Finally, Margaret "the Prime Minister of Pain" Thatcher!
RP: Nefertiti, my Nuban goddess. And why the hell is Elizabeth a virgin? Bitch, don't be afraid of dick.
VP: And Finally, the moment you have all been waiting for. The grudge match of all grudge matches. The mere idea of this matchup is indeed blasphemus, but we present it to you anyway, because we laugh in the face of death and dispair! *famous Vincent Prince laugh* First, he is the Prophet of Islam. He saved the world from sin and and guided a people on a path to rightousness. He leaves the heaven of forty virgins to wage war, ladies and gentlemen, with his lovely child bride A'isha Bint abi Bakr by his side.... the Purple Pony himself, Mohammed! Now, it is time to welcome the Messiah. The man that turned water into wine, the man that died for your sins, and tonight, he will sin himself. Ladies and gentlemen, accompanied by his "supposed" wife, Mary Magdalene, Jesus! Christ!
Fatal four-way: Catherine II Xerxes I Constantine I Charlemagne
Backstory: For thousands of years, many historical leaders have been nicknamed "The Great". This is the end-all, be-all fight to the finish to see who is "The Greatest".
Battle for the King of Punk: Sid Vicious vs. Joey Ramone
Backstory: Even though Vicious died many years before Ramone, he holds a grudge against the Ramones for taking the spotlight away from him. Joey claims he just wants to "keep punk alive". Ironic, isn't it?
Make 'em Laugh or Make 'em Cry grudge match: Sam Kinison/Rodney Dangerfield vs. H.H. Holmes/Joseph Vacher
Backstory: Two of these man made hundreds of thousands of people laugh. Two of them made hundreds of people cry. Can you tell who the heels are in this one?
Blackbeard vs. Leif Ericson vs. David Carradine
Backstory: Pirates vs. Vikings vs. Far East Mystics. The classic battle for supremacy.
Joan of Arc vs. Marie Antoinette
Backstory: Joan gave her life to save the Republic of France, until that bitch Marie Antoinette gave it all away for nothing. Joan says she's going after Marie because "God told me to". Marie just claims that this match will be "a piece of cake".
Ladder match: "Bullet" Bob Hayes (w/Tom Landy, manager) vs. Walter Payton
Backstory: Who is the fastest man alive? According to these two, it's one of them, and this match will prove it. The first man up the ladder to grab the football hanging there will be victorious. Landry brings a bit of uncertainty to the match, as he is a wily strategist.
Mixed Loyalty, Mixed Tag match: Joe DiMaggio/Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis vs. John F. Kennedy/Nicole Brown Simpson
Backstory: John F. Kennedy was reunited with the love of his life in the afterlife in May of 1994. One month later, Nicole Brown Simpson showed up, and ruined everything. JFK fell deeply in love with NBS, and the two of them ran off together, leaving Jackie O all alone. Fortunately for her, she was able to find a common bond in Joe DiMaggio, as they had both been burned by Marilyn Monroe during their living years. The Yankee Clipper says he asked for this match to give Jacky-boy a lesson in manners. Jackie just claims she wants to "cut that bitch's throat a second time".
Last Vestiges Grudge Match (Losing team must be beaten so badly that the oppossing team can dress them in the costume of their choosing) Nathan Bedford Forrest (KKK Founder) & Richard Butler (Skin-Heads Founder) vs. Huey Newton (Black Panther Founder) & Malcom X
What if the losing team isn't beaten that badly? Say it's just a sneak rollup pin. Does the losing team still have to wear a costume?
Sure. We'll go with that. You wanna be my Commish? You don't even have to be dead.