MNF 47/Male Bag 30
Nov 25, 2012 19:15:39 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Nov 25, 2012 19:15:39 GMT -5
Check out Monday Night Flaw 47 and Male Bag 30 on iTunes, Stitcher or www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw then come back here and VOTE!!!
And don't forget to vote for the winner of Little Jon vs The Hardly Boys right here!
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Michael Hodge
Tag Team Dealie
Dear Chrandy,
I attempted to contact my partner, Austin Sanders,
to collaborate on the kickassest of e-mails with which to thwart our
enemies. Alas, my quert as to his input on the matter was met with
"No clue...mmmm. Idk...".
Therefore, I'm going to hope like hell he writes something that allows me to tag him in once I'm done here.
Cam
Gullett, the Ginger Ass-in. You need some new intro music, my friend.
Might I suggest Led Zeppelin's "Whenever the Levee Breaks"? Or maybe
"Whenever the Shit Goes Down" by Cypress Hill? I uh can't um decide uh which um is uh better um right uh now. I'll let you know whenever I do.
Adam Dan. Let's do this like your show. The last part of my e-mail didn't have a theme, so this part will. The theme: You have terrible taste in music. End of theme.
The Cam Dan Connection? More like the Cummed-on Connection.
Cam and Adam? More like cum in Adam.
At this point, I'll return to my corner and tag in my partner, the venerable Austin Sanders.
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey
Cliff Snotes
Cryin' Brian and Ryan
WELCOME TO:
FRED AND CLIFF SNOTES!!!
Andy and Chris,
Happy Thanksgiving from Team Fred. Doesn’t it just sound good to say that out loud? Team Fred .
It certainly sounds much better than Team Roman Polanski . James, I certainly outflanked you on this one. I went out and recruited Fred Solomon to be my partner. I’m looking forward to eight nights of gifts from Fred as a sign of friendship and appreciation. But you? Get ready for BVA imitating a housecat trying to impress it’s owners. Enjoy those used Elmo backpacks, grass-stained sweatshirts, and bloody socks.
And James – what happened the last time you tried to team up with someone? You partnered with JB King. I think it’s time to retroactively give a team name to the very first tag team email on the Male Bag. It was two big stars providing an epic failure that just went on and on…. It was Team Ishtar!
I can’t be the only one looking out for your career. First you associate with the racist JB King, and now you’re battling against Fred Solomon. Have you thought about how the Jewish Mafia will view your behavior?
Oh, hang on a second James.
You See Chris, the Jewish Mafia is a term that refers to all of the Jewish Studio Heads, Casting Directors, Agents, and Accountants that run Hollywood. And Steven Spielberg.
Alright James, this is your chance. Just walk away from this tag team match, and I’m sure the Chosen People in Hollywood will remember this. And I’m sure this partnership with BVA won’t come back to haunt you.
Andy, Fred pointed something out, and you can make this happen. He would love to hear Brian and James do a podcast together. There's nothing the world needs more than a show hosted by a drunk and a pedophile. As that's probably doing everyone a favor by keeping drunks off our roads and grown men out of undeveloped vaginas.
Fred was also useful this week, as he had some of his Jewish interns do some research for us. So let’s go back to the well once more before this bit jumps the shark. Clearly, rearranging the letters in your name produces a glimpse into your true character. Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in “The Golden Voice”, you get “Enticed Hog Love”?
But that’s just the start.
Even worse, is some of the results that you get if you rearrange the letters in “Roman Polanski”. Please take your time to savor and enjoy each one.
I moon rank pals
Milk’n a Soprano
Lo! Spank a minor!
I spank la moron
Oral pains monk
And my personal favorite, " Iron-Man Polkas"
But this doesn’t even compare to DevilSoprano. Apologies in advance, guys. I need a shower after reading this list.
Rearranging the letters in DevilSoprano gets:
Vino Ropes Lad
Prison Love Ad
Personal Void
Spooned Rival
Sad Evil Porno
A Pelvis Donor
Avoids El Porn
No Rapid Loves
Paid Son Lover
Ole Porn Divas
Porn Love Aids
Poor Lad Veins
Loved A Prison
Pro Vein Loads
Load Over Nips
Chris and Andy, I'm sorry you had to endure that list. As a gift to you, I won’t even share the list that goes with rearranging the letters in “Brian V. Anal Styne.”
A few other thoughts…
Miz as a face. Really? Really? That’s about as believable as Brian as a trusted Cub Scout leader.
Did anyone notice that CM Punk has been using JB King Math? While it was the one year anniversary of his title run, it was 366 days, not 365. 2012 is a leap year.
Also, why are you letting JB King get away with entering this tag team tournament without a partner? He’s at his best when it’s just JB and his laptop, and nobody else contributing. I think you should force him to work with a partner, instead of all these solo workouts that he’s used to.
Team Fred Out.
P.S. Just to be fair, the letters in “Cliff Snotes” can rearrange into “Stiff Clones”
P.P.S. Also “Team Fred” rearranges, appropriately enough, into “Me Farted.”
Stu Little
The Rise of Little Jon
Hey guys,
Just off the bat, I'm going to say I'm not getting anything with JB King this week. I never wanted a feud and I'm too occupied with this tag team shit to be bothered. So King, knock yourself. Post your photoshopped "28 Year Old Virgin" movie poster, or whatever you're going to do. My dance card's full enough.
I can't believe Kane's "I lurk in basements and scare children regardless" comment from SmackDown last week hasn't become more of a thing, especially round here. Are we just too loyal to BVA having that gimmick or what?
I thought Survivor Series was pretty solid to good, especially with the main event's ending. I expected Punk to pull out a win, if they HAD to have Ryback win the title, I figured it would be better by having him pin Cena. Punk has been portrayed as a chickenshit who's only still champion due to sneakiness, so what would Ryback prove by defeating him? Beating Cena clean would have given him more of a push, while also allowing Punk to make the case that he's still Best In The World because he was never defeated for the title. Everybody wins. But I am happy with the trio of The Uncanny NXT-Men showing up and attacking him, not least of all because we got our first extended Ryback promo and it wasn't too bad. However, for god's sake, can we drop the food puns already? Nobody "stole food out of a starving man's mouth" Ryback. You're not ethiopian, you're not Oliver Twist, you don't look malnourished whatsoever. And "you and your 3 men are my prey" just sounded very rapey.
Did you guys notice when they did the splitscreen of Kofi and Barrett walking through the backstage area, Kofi was looking to his left as if he could see Barrett? Intentional or not, they should do that more.
We also got AJ bursting into the men's locker room, which resulted in someone reacting with the bawdy language of "Shoo!". Thankfully nobody went so far as to say "Gosh Darn!". Dolph aslo verbally devastated AJ by deconstructing her personality so astutely. I guess that's the sort of insight into the female mind you get from being a former cheerleader.
Now onto business, the tag team championship tournament. Team Little Jon is ready, and there's only one theme a team like that can have, so HIT. OUR. MUSIC!
*"Everything I Do, I Do For You" by Bryan Adams"*
(Andy play the part of Stu(accent optional), Chris, take Jon)
Jon: I still think we should have went with "Men In Tights".
Stu: You need to stop thinking like you're still Cam Gullett's partner. And besides, with Bryan Adams, we've got the Canadian vote locked!
Jon: Shouldn't we be targeting the Americans since there's way more of them?
Stu: I'd love to, but there's no Robin Hood related songs written by Lit.
Jon: Lit?
Stu: Lit.
Jon: LIT?
Stu: LIT!! Anyway, if I'm going to be stuck with you as my partner, I'm going to call the shots. I do carry a lot more prestige than you.
Jon: I don't know about that...
Stu: My record speaks for itself. Besides, I'm definitely a trade up. You know what the difference is between Cam Gullett and Superstorm Sandy?
Jon: No, what?
Stu: One's a big pain in the ass with a girl's name that will suck you off at a moment's notice-
Jon: And the other's Superstorm Sandy?
Stu: No, the other's an annoying ginger fuckface from Arkansas. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE PUNCHLINE, I CHANGE THE JOKE! I came here to win this tournament and eat shortbread, and I'm all out of shortbread. I guess Nate Corbitt needs to bake up another batch. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
Jon: You really think we can go all the way in the tournament?
Stu: Anything can happen, even me getting laid. But we have to focus on our first opponents...The Hardly Boys. And what a team they are.
Dustin, at last we meet in proper battle. I've been calling you out for weeks now, and you've been long absent. But finally, The Scottish Samurai and the Catholic Curbstomper will clash!
Jon: Um, that's not Faber.
Stu: What?
Jon: That's Dustin HAWES.
Stu: ...who?
Jon: You know, the guy feuding with Spence Hopkins for some unexplained reason?
Stu: Oh. Well...what else do we know about him?
Jon: I dunno...he's from Utah?
Stu: Nah, that's no good. I think people are sick of Mormon jokes by now...um, fuck it, onto Spence! The Ryback of Monday Night Flaw. You've certainly had an impressive rise, becoming a world champion in a relatively short amount of time. But your facing the first, longest reigning and most title winning World Champion of this network. I'm the Ric Flair of this dump, and not just because I'm just shy of being destitute! Now let me put this into terms you understand:
WARRIORS! I HAVE COME TO YOUR FROM THE DENSE DARK FOREST SITUATED IN THE NETHER REALM BETWEEN AJ LEE'S THIGHS! I HAVE BATTLED ITS MANY HORRORS AND SEEN IT'S WONDERS! SUCH AS THE MUTATED TOFU PARASITES THAT EMIGRATED FROM DANIEL BRYAN'S BEARD! HUSTLE LOYALTY AND RESPECT ARE DUE TO ME, FOR MY JOURNEY THERE WAS TO RETRIEVE EXCESS ESSENCE OF CENA, AND I SUCCEEDED, AND NOW THE INFINITE POWER OF THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION IS MINE TO BE UNLEASHED! GO FUCK YOURSELF ADAM DAN, AS YOUR WISH FOR UNRESTRICTED INTERNET ACCESS IS DENIED! EAT A BAG OF DICKS, DEVSOP! THE AGE OF CONSENT WILL NOT BE LOWERED, BUT IN FACT, INCREASED TO 35! CHRIS ALT, BUFFALO WILD WINGS WILL NOT BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY! I AM THE ALPHA! I AM THE OMEGA! I AM THE THETA PI! I AM THE PECAN PIE! I WISH FOR ALL OTHER TEAMS TO FALL IN THIS TOURNAMENT, AND FOR MY RISE TO BE UNSTOPPABLE, UNLIKE JB KING GOING THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY! AUSTRIAN M&M CONCRETE DAIQUIRI UMBRELLA BICYCLE PUMP! GAAAAAHRHHRRGGGGHHHAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*Stu tags in Jon*
Jon: Yeah....Bitch!
*Jon tags out*
Stu: I think we've made our point.
Stu and (technically) Jon
Dustin Hawes
Hardly
What up other douchebag tag teams? The Hardly Boys here..... Hardly keeping
your attention, hardly keeping you hard, and hardly caring about the tag
team tournament. Do we think we stand a chance..... Not HARDLY........ Hey,
do you guys? Do you guys get it? Hardly.... Fuck it whatever. That joke
was hardly even worth putting in this shit email anyways.
So, which versions of Roseanne Druin are we up against this week? Here's
the thing, I'm actually kind of happy for Jon. With this tag tournament, he
has half as many emails to write. Furthermore, since I and every other
damned emailer are also versions of a Druin, his chances of taking this
tournament straight to the bank are incredibly high. So, in the event of a
Jon Druin vs Jon Druin final match..... Good luck to James Ryan.
Jon Druin has more personalities than Adele has hiding places for her
stockpile of Hostess goods. Jon Druin is more schizophrenic than an Insane
Clown Posse concert. Jon Druin keeps more driver's licenses than Jim
Enright keeps chins. I can only imagine Jon's face every damn time he
checks his recently played list on Netflix. #mindblown
Hot tag to Spence
WARRIORS!
Ha ha just kidding you fuckers. The Warrior is still as dead as Jon Druin
Truth's Little Jimmy act. Seriously though, how many personalities does it
take to send in 13 emails? The answer..... An equal amount to the number of
hairs on the Alter Boy's dome. Which, by Andy Gaston's calculator watch
calculations...... Is 17.
Whatevs,
The Hardly Boys......... Hardly shopping at Kroger since 1985
P.S. Calculator watches are a common trait with the Wolf Shirt community.
JB King
fuck...
Hello again to Team Sandbag.
Well, it looks like I am on my own this week. No, I have nothing up my
sleeve. Seriously. Dustin Faber literally decided to no show. Why you ask?
I’m sure he had his reasons. Personally I hope his Thanksgiving was so
depressing he ended up breaking his strait edge life style by drinking,
driving, and losing in a game of chicken with a large oak tree. I asked him
kindly this whole week to help. But because I’m a sandnigger (this month)
he wants nothing to do with starting a holy war. Well too bad. We could
have had some hilarious back and forth action together. Or even an awesome
name! Retarded Devotion? Team frien- hold on… I before E…ahhh fuck it Team
Hell No. Hell, I was seriously considering doing a time travel episode with
him to go against Future Andy Gaston. C’mon Dustin, a back to the future
bit with you and I? I can literally hear Chris Alt getting a Back to the
Future boner over that. By the way, a Back to the Future boner means your
erection shakes uncontrollably whenever Michael J Fox says “Hey Doc”. I
bought a fucking DeLorean Dustin, do you understand how funny this shit
could have been? But now none of us get to listen to it. Thanks a bunch you
jerk.
But I suppose there is some good news, it looks like I am a double champion
again. Can’t wait for Cam to take a shot at me about how my spelling is as
bad as his stuttering. JB KING writes as bad as Cam talks on a podcast. Hey
look I just retained the IC title with that one! I love how the guy that
insults me for ignoring the occasional apostrophe has the ability to end a
sentence in 9 prepositions. I tried the ‘Cam Umming’ drinking game during
the podcast, I’ll send you guys the ambulance bill later, my liver is
pissed. Anyway, good luck to team Gay-tor. I was going to call it CAM-DAN
but that just sounds like a spin off name for a dental dam. Oh sorry Stu
maybe I should explain what that means. You see Stu, a dental dam is
basically a piece of a trash bag you place over a woman’s box in order to
avoid STDs. It’s also fun to twist on the pull out, you can make your penis
look like a poorly wrapped twinkie. Yeah, trying eating hostess now James
Enright.
And another note Mr. Celibate Samurai, I don’t hate you for being a virgin.
You can mock me with the title “The Mooley Man-slut” and call it even. But
don’t try and cover up the pink bachelor pad. Breast Cancer awareness my
ass. We all know you painted those walls like that as a metaphor. Because
that is the closest you will ever get to being inside pink vaginal walls.
Speaking of silly Scotsmen, did Drew McIntyre reveal the secret that all
Scottish people shower with hats on? Christ I hope not. Anyway good luck to
you and your partner, who pretty much gets a bye week in 2 different match
ups.
Onto the wrestling. It looks like Andy, Chris and Poochie pretty much
covered all the good points (and jokes) on wrestling this week but I feel I
should clarify a few things.
First is the whole R-Truth vs Antonio Cesaro feud. I understand Chris hates
black people like Dennis “The Tugboat” Williams but that’s no reason to not
give the feud a shot. And by the way, Dennis if you are listening, don’t
hate them for using the word Bro. Like Cam said, a bro hating the word bro
is just wrong. White people gave you your own word… let them use there’s.
Now where was I, oh yeah. Chris, WWE just got done explaining Antonio is
challenging Americans because he feels no one born in the United States can
beat him. And yet you keep insisting on him fighting either Tyson Kidd or
Justin Gabriel, well you see Chris… Justin Gabriel is from South Africa and
Tyson Kidd is Canadian. They were not born in the United States. Then
again, I’m pretty sure Arkansas would still start a USA chant if these
three had a triple threat. The more you know.
(The more you know chime)
R-truth and Cesaro? Who doesn’t like Swiss-Chocolate? EH? Eh…ah fuck you I
tried.
Speaking of treats, Pumpkin pie! Love that shit. Even more with a dollop of
coolwhip. Chris hates dark orange looking pie, could this explain why Chris
hates Eve Torres too? I think so. Although I will admit she is going
overboard with the botox when she fought Sonya Blade on Sunday. HA! I knew
I could fit a Mortal Kombat joke in there! But someone needs to tell Eve
she’s hot before she ends up looking like Jillian Hall. Your 27 for
godssakes you don’t need botox, pumping your face full of fat to even out
your man jaw and disturbingly large Gary Busey like veneers is not helping
AT ALL. Her teeth remind me of that time Bart stole Grandpa Simpson’s
dentures.
But it could be worse and she could look like everyone’s favorite
transvestite Bam Bam Tamina. Seriously guys, I’ve met her in person, and
Wendy Williams is just the nicest big boned bitch in the world.
Hey guys do you guys want more Simpson’s humor? Ok here you go.
On the subject of Ryback and the NXT 3, I understand the NXT guys had to
come out to all black to look like security guards but poor Dean Ambrose
does not look good in a black turtle neck. He looked like a pissed off Jazz
musician. In any case, I have no real point to any of this outside of this
wonderful pic of Manu Jr. tossing Ryback’s salad.
Feed him more indeed! Calm down Cam.
Well it looks like this it. I looks like I’m going to end up going against
the New AIDS Outlaws. I smell treachery a foot. Or maybe that is Demko’s
gimp suit. Who knows. Anyway I’m going to the future to fight team ginger
lisp in this DeLorean the only way I know how.
(((back to the future theme)))
Meth! Lots and lots of meth! Because Adam Dan told me if you take enough
you learn the ability to time travel! I am going to BACK! TO THE
FUTURE!…even thought this is my first time (calm down Stu). May the
retarded time traveling adventures of JB KING commence! WOOOOOO! Off to
2017 I go! And remember gang, the Future is what you make it!
Love peace and penis grease Johnny.
(Gets in car, smokes meth and drives off a cliff)
And don't forget to vote for the winner of Little Jon vs The Hardly Boys right here!
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Michael Hodge
Tag Team Dealie
Dear Chrandy,
I attempted to contact my partner, Austin Sanders,
to collaborate on the kickassest of e-mails with which to thwart our
enemies. Alas, my quert as to his input on the matter was met with
"No clue...mmmm. Idk...".
Therefore, I'm going to hope like hell he writes something that allows me to tag him in once I'm done here.
Cam
Gullett, the Ginger Ass-in. You need some new intro music, my friend.
Might I suggest Led Zeppelin's "Whenever the Levee Breaks"? Or maybe
"Whenever the Shit Goes Down" by Cypress Hill? I uh can't um decide uh which um is uh better um right uh now. I'll let you know whenever I do.
Adam Dan. Let's do this like your show. The last part of my e-mail didn't have a theme, so this part will. The theme: You have terrible taste in music. End of theme.
The Cam Dan Connection? More like the Cummed-on Connection.
Cam and Adam? More like cum in Adam.
At this point, I'll return to my corner and tag in my partner, the venerable Austin Sanders.
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey
Cliff Snotes
Cryin' Brian and Ryan
WELCOME TO:
FRED AND CLIFF SNOTES!!!
Andy and Chris,
Happy Thanksgiving from Team Fred. Doesn’t it just sound good to say that out loud? Team Fred .
It certainly sounds much better than Team Roman Polanski . James, I certainly outflanked you on this one. I went out and recruited Fred Solomon to be my partner. I’m looking forward to eight nights of gifts from Fred as a sign of friendship and appreciation. But you? Get ready for BVA imitating a housecat trying to impress it’s owners. Enjoy those used Elmo backpacks, grass-stained sweatshirts, and bloody socks.
And James – what happened the last time you tried to team up with someone? You partnered with JB King. I think it’s time to retroactively give a team name to the very first tag team email on the Male Bag. It was two big stars providing an epic failure that just went on and on…. It was Team Ishtar!
I can’t be the only one looking out for your career. First you associate with the racist JB King, and now you’re battling against Fred Solomon. Have you thought about how the Jewish Mafia will view your behavior?
Oh, hang on a second James.
You See Chris, the Jewish Mafia is a term that refers to all of the Jewish Studio Heads, Casting Directors, Agents, and Accountants that run Hollywood. And Steven Spielberg.
Alright James, this is your chance. Just walk away from this tag team match, and I’m sure the Chosen People in Hollywood will remember this. And I’m sure this partnership with BVA won’t come back to haunt you.
Andy, Fred pointed something out, and you can make this happen. He would love to hear Brian and James do a podcast together. There's nothing the world needs more than a show hosted by a drunk and a pedophile. As that's probably doing everyone a favor by keeping drunks off our roads and grown men out of undeveloped vaginas.
Fred was also useful this week, as he had some of his Jewish interns do some research for us. So let’s go back to the well once more before this bit jumps the shark. Clearly, rearranging the letters in your name produces a glimpse into your true character. Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in “The Golden Voice”, you get “Enticed Hog Love”?
But that’s just the start.
Even worse, is some of the results that you get if you rearrange the letters in “Roman Polanski”. Please take your time to savor and enjoy each one.
I moon rank pals
Milk’n a Soprano
Lo! Spank a minor!
I spank la moron
Oral pains monk
And my personal favorite, " Iron-Man Polkas"
But this doesn’t even compare to DevilSoprano. Apologies in advance, guys. I need a shower after reading this list.
Rearranging the letters in DevilSoprano gets:
Vino Ropes Lad
Prison Love Ad
Personal Void
Spooned Rival
Sad Evil Porno
A Pelvis Donor
Avoids El Porn
No Rapid Loves
Paid Son Lover
Ole Porn Divas
Porn Love Aids
Poor Lad Veins
Loved A Prison
Pro Vein Loads
Load Over Nips
Chris and Andy, I'm sorry you had to endure that list. As a gift to you, I won’t even share the list that goes with rearranging the letters in “Brian V. Anal Styne.”
A few other thoughts…
Miz as a face. Really? Really? That’s about as believable as Brian as a trusted Cub Scout leader.
Did anyone notice that CM Punk has been using JB King Math? While it was the one year anniversary of his title run, it was 366 days, not 365. 2012 is a leap year.
Also, why are you letting JB King get away with entering this tag team tournament without a partner? He’s at his best when it’s just JB and his laptop, and nobody else contributing. I think you should force him to work with a partner, instead of all these solo workouts that he’s used to.
Team Fred Out.
P.S. Just to be fair, the letters in “Cliff Snotes” can rearrange into “Stiff Clones”
P.P.S. Also “Team Fred” rearranges, appropriately enough, into “Me Farted.”
Stu Little
The Rise of Little Jon
Hey guys,
Just off the bat, I'm going to say I'm not getting anything with JB King this week. I never wanted a feud and I'm too occupied with this tag team shit to be bothered. So King, knock yourself. Post your photoshopped "28 Year Old Virgin" movie poster, or whatever you're going to do. My dance card's full enough.
I can't believe Kane's "I lurk in basements and scare children regardless" comment from SmackDown last week hasn't become more of a thing, especially round here. Are we just too loyal to BVA having that gimmick or what?
I thought Survivor Series was pretty solid to good, especially with the main event's ending. I expected Punk to pull out a win, if they HAD to have Ryback win the title, I figured it would be better by having him pin Cena. Punk has been portrayed as a chickenshit who's only still champion due to sneakiness, so what would Ryback prove by defeating him? Beating Cena clean would have given him more of a push, while also allowing Punk to make the case that he's still Best In The World because he was never defeated for the title. Everybody wins. But I am happy with the trio of The Uncanny NXT-Men showing up and attacking him, not least of all because we got our first extended Ryback promo and it wasn't too bad. However, for god's sake, can we drop the food puns already? Nobody "stole food out of a starving man's mouth" Ryback. You're not ethiopian, you're not Oliver Twist, you don't look malnourished whatsoever. And "you and your 3 men are my prey" just sounded very rapey.
Did you guys notice when they did the splitscreen of Kofi and Barrett walking through the backstage area, Kofi was looking to his left as if he could see Barrett? Intentional or not, they should do that more.
We also got AJ bursting into the men's locker room, which resulted in someone reacting with the bawdy language of "Shoo!". Thankfully nobody went so far as to say "Gosh Darn!". Dolph aslo verbally devastated AJ by deconstructing her personality so astutely. I guess that's the sort of insight into the female mind you get from being a former cheerleader.
Now onto business, the tag team championship tournament. Team Little Jon is ready, and there's only one theme a team like that can have, so HIT. OUR. MUSIC!
*"Everything I Do, I Do For You" by Bryan Adams"*
(Andy play the part of Stu(accent optional), Chris, take Jon)
Jon: I still think we should have went with "Men In Tights".
Stu: You need to stop thinking like you're still Cam Gullett's partner. And besides, with Bryan Adams, we've got the Canadian vote locked!
Jon: Shouldn't we be targeting the Americans since there's way more of them?
Stu: I'd love to, but there's no Robin Hood related songs written by Lit.
Jon: Lit?
Stu: Lit.
Jon: LIT?
Stu: LIT!! Anyway, if I'm going to be stuck with you as my partner, I'm going to call the shots. I do carry a lot more prestige than you.
Jon: I don't know about that...
Stu: My record speaks for itself. Besides, I'm definitely a trade up. You know what the difference is between Cam Gullett and Superstorm Sandy?
Jon: No, what?
Stu: One's a big pain in the ass with a girl's name that will suck you off at a moment's notice-
Jon: And the other's Superstorm Sandy?
Stu: No, the other's an annoying ginger fuckface from Arkansas. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE PUNCHLINE, I CHANGE THE JOKE! I came here to win this tournament and eat shortbread, and I'm all out of shortbread. I guess Nate Corbitt needs to bake up another batch. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
Jon: You really think we can go all the way in the tournament?
Stu: Anything can happen, even me getting laid. But we have to focus on our first opponents...The Hardly Boys. And what a team they are.
Dustin, at last we meet in proper battle. I've been calling you out for weeks now, and you've been long absent. But finally, The Scottish Samurai and the Catholic Curbstomper will clash!
Jon: Um, that's not Faber.
Stu: What?
Jon: That's Dustin HAWES.
Stu: ...who?
Jon: You know, the guy feuding with Spence Hopkins for some unexplained reason?
Stu: Oh. Well...what else do we know about him?
Jon: I dunno...he's from Utah?
Stu: Nah, that's no good. I think people are sick of Mormon jokes by now...um, fuck it, onto Spence! The Ryback of Monday Night Flaw. You've certainly had an impressive rise, becoming a world champion in a relatively short amount of time. But your facing the first, longest reigning and most title winning World Champion of this network. I'm the Ric Flair of this dump, and not just because I'm just shy of being destitute! Now let me put this into terms you understand:
WARRIORS! I HAVE COME TO YOUR FROM THE DENSE DARK FOREST SITUATED IN THE NETHER REALM BETWEEN AJ LEE'S THIGHS! I HAVE BATTLED ITS MANY HORRORS AND SEEN IT'S WONDERS! SUCH AS THE MUTATED TOFU PARASITES THAT EMIGRATED FROM DANIEL BRYAN'S BEARD! HUSTLE LOYALTY AND RESPECT ARE DUE TO ME, FOR MY JOURNEY THERE WAS TO RETRIEVE EXCESS ESSENCE OF CENA, AND I SUCCEEDED, AND NOW THE INFINITE POWER OF THE MAKE-A-WISH FOUNDATION IS MINE TO BE UNLEASHED! GO FUCK YOURSELF ADAM DAN, AS YOUR WISH FOR UNRESTRICTED INTERNET ACCESS IS DENIED! EAT A BAG OF DICKS, DEVSOP! THE AGE OF CONSENT WILL NOT BE LOWERED, BUT IN FACT, INCREASED TO 35! CHRIS ALT, BUFFALO WILD WINGS WILL NOT BE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY! I AM THE ALPHA! I AM THE OMEGA! I AM THE THETA PI! I AM THE PECAN PIE! I WISH FOR ALL OTHER TEAMS TO FALL IN THIS TOURNAMENT, AND FOR MY RISE TO BE UNSTOPPABLE, UNLIKE JB KING GOING THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY! AUSTRIAN M&M CONCRETE DAIQUIRI UMBRELLA BICYCLE PUMP! GAAAAAHRHHRRGGGGHHHAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*Stu tags in Jon*
Jon: Yeah....Bitch!
*Jon tags out*
Stu: I think we've made our point.
Stu and (technically) Jon
Dustin Hawes
Hardly
What up other douchebag tag teams? The Hardly Boys here..... Hardly keeping
your attention, hardly keeping you hard, and hardly caring about the tag
team tournament. Do we think we stand a chance..... Not HARDLY........ Hey,
do you guys? Do you guys get it? Hardly.... Fuck it whatever. That joke
was hardly even worth putting in this shit email anyways.
So, which versions of Roseanne Druin are we up against this week? Here's
the thing, I'm actually kind of happy for Jon. With this tag tournament, he
has half as many emails to write. Furthermore, since I and every other
damned emailer are also versions of a Druin, his chances of taking this
tournament straight to the bank are incredibly high. So, in the event of a
Jon Druin vs Jon Druin final match..... Good luck to James Ryan.
Jon Druin has more personalities than Adele has hiding places for her
stockpile of Hostess goods. Jon Druin is more schizophrenic than an Insane
Clown Posse concert. Jon Druin keeps more driver's licenses than Jim
Enright keeps chins. I can only imagine Jon's face every damn time he
checks his recently played list on Netflix. #mindblown
Hot tag to Spence
WARRIORS!
Ha ha just kidding you fuckers. The Warrior is still as dead as Jon Druin
Truth's Little Jimmy act. Seriously though, how many personalities does it
take to send in 13 emails? The answer..... An equal amount to the number of
hairs on the Alter Boy's dome. Which, by Andy Gaston's calculator watch
calculations...... Is 17.
Whatevs,
The Hardly Boys......... Hardly shopping at Kroger since 1985
P.S. Calculator watches are a common trait with the Wolf Shirt community.
JB King
fuck...
Hello again to Team Sandbag.
Well, it looks like I am on my own this week. No, I have nothing up my
sleeve. Seriously. Dustin Faber literally decided to no show. Why you ask?
I’m sure he had his reasons. Personally I hope his Thanksgiving was so
depressing he ended up breaking his strait edge life style by drinking,
driving, and losing in a game of chicken with a large oak tree. I asked him
kindly this whole week to help. But because I’m a sandnigger (this month)
he wants nothing to do with starting a holy war. Well too bad. We could
have had some hilarious back and forth action together. Or even an awesome
name! Retarded Devotion? Team frien- hold on… I before E…ahhh fuck it Team
Hell No. Hell, I was seriously considering doing a time travel episode with
him to go against Future Andy Gaston. C’mon Dustin, a back to the future
bit with you and I? I can literally hear Chris Alt getting a Back to the
Future boner over that. By the way, a Back to the Future boner means your
erection shakes uncontrollably whenever Michael J Fox says “Hey Doc”. I
bought a fucking DeLorean Dustin, do you understand how funny this shit
could have been? But now none of us get to listen to it. Thanks a bunch you
jerk.
But I suppose there is some good news, it looks like I am a double champion
again. Can’t wait for Cam to take a shot at me about how my spelling is as
bad as his stuttering. JB KING writes as bad as Cam talks on a podcast. Hey
look I just retained the IC title with that one! I love how the guy that
insults me for ignoring the occasional apostrophe has the ability to end a
sentence in 9 prepositions. I tried the ‘Cam Umming’ drinking game during
the podcast, I’ll send you guys the ambulance bill later, my liver is
pissed. Anyway, good luck to team Gay-tor. I was going to call it CAM-DAN
but that just sounds like a spin off name for a dental dam. Oh sorry Stu
maybe I should explain what that means. You see Stu, a dental dam is
basically a piece of a trash bag you place over a woman’s box in order to
avoid STDs. It’s also fun to twist on the pull out, you can make your penis
look like a poorly wrapped twinkie. Yeah, trying eating hostess now James
Enright.
And another note Mr. Celibate Samurai, I don’t hate you for being a virgin.
You can mock me with the title “The Mooley Man-slut” and call it even. But
don’t try and cover up the pink bachelor pad. Breast Cancer awareness my
ass. We all know you painted those walls like that as a metaphor. Because
that is the closest you will ever get to being inside pink vaginal walls.
Speaking of silly Scotsmen, did Drew McIntyre reveal the secret that all
Scottish people shower with hats on? Christ I hope not. Anyway good luck to
you and your partner, who pretty much gets a bye week in 2 different match
ups.
Onto the wrestling. It looks like Andy, Chris and Poochie pretty much
covered all the good points (and jokes) on wrestling this week but I feel I
should clarify a few things.
First is the whole R-Truth vs Antonio Cesaro feud. I understand Chris hates
black people like Dennis “The Tugboat” Williams but that’s no reason to not
give the feud a shot. And by the way, Dennis if you are listening, don’t
hate them for using the word Bro. Like Cam said, a bro hating the word bro
is just wrong. White people gave you your own word… let them use there’s.
Now where was I, oh yeah. Chris, WWE just got done explaining Antonio is
challenging Americans because he feels no one born in the United States can
beat him. And yet you keep insisting on him fighting either Tyson Kidd or
Justin Gabriel, well you see Chris… Justin Gabriel is from South Africa and
Tyson Kidd is Canadian. They were not born in the United States. Then
again, I’m pretty sure Arkansas would still start a USA chant if these
three had a triple threat. The more you know.
(The more you know chime)
R-truth and Cesaro? Who doesn’t like Swiss-Chocolate? EH? Eh…ah fuck you I
tried.
Speaking of treats, Pumpkin pie! Love that shit. Even more with a dollop of
coolwhip. Chris hates dark orange looking pie, could this explain why Chris
hates Eve Torres too? I think so. Although I will admit she is going
overboard with the botox when she fought Sonya Blade on Sunday. HA! I knew
I could fit a Mortal Kombat joke in there! But someone needs to tell Eve
she’s hot before she ends up looking like Jillian Hall. Your 27 for
godssakes you don’t need botox, pumping your face full of fat to even out
your man jaw and disturbingly large Gary Busey like veneers is not helping
AT ALL. Her teeth remind me of that time Bart stole Grandpa Simpson’s
dentures.
But it could be worse and she could look like everyone’s favorite
transvestite Bam Bam Tamina. Seriously guys, I’ve met her in person, and
Wendy Williams is just the nicest big boned bitch in the world.
Hey guys do you guys want more Simpson’s humor? Ok here you go.
On the subject of Ryback and the NXT 3, I understand the NXT guys had to
come out to all black to look like security guards but poor Dean Ambrose
does not look good in a black turtle neck. He looked like a pissed off Jazz
musician. In any case, I have no real point to any of this outside of this
wonderful pic of Manu Jr. tossing Ryback’s salad.
Feed him more indeed! Calm down Cam.
Well it looks like this it. I looks like I’m going to end up going against
the New AIDS Outlaws. I smell treachery a foot. Or maybe that is Demko’s
gimp suit. Who knows. Anyway I’m going to the future to fight team ginger
lisp in this DeLorean the only way I know how.
(((back to the future theme)))
Meth! Lots and lots of meth! Because Adam Dan told me if you take enough
you learn the ability to time travel! I am going to BACK! TO THE
FUTURE!…even thought this is my first time (calm down Stu). May the
retarded time traveling adventures of JB KING commence! WOOOOOO! Off to
2017 I go! And remember gang, the Future is what you make it!
Love peace and penis grease Johnny.
(Gets in car, smokes meth and drives off a cliff)
