[The Jewish Cunthead]

*FADE IN TO LJB'S OFFICE*

A nervous-looking hand knocks on the door.

LJB: (looks up from his paperwork) Yes?

SYB slowly walks in and is amazed at the museum-esque display of precious works of art.

SYB: (thinking to himself) I wonder how much it cost to transport this shit from place to place... I bet my cousin Shlomo could do it cheaper and we could finally get a piece of that Bennett fortune... wait, time to get into character.)

SYB: You wanted to see me, sir?
LJB: Ahh yes, Solly. Take a seat.
SYB: May I call you LJ?
LJB: No you may not.
SYB: So what's this all aboot?
LJB: Oh lord, this act again?
SYB: Sorry, LJ.
LJB: Mr. Bennett. Just a little levity there?
SYB: Where?
LJB: Here.
SYB: Oh.
LJB: Sweet Jesus man, how is it anyone hasn't strangled you yet?
SYB: The line to do that is long and distinguished... just like my.... never mind.
LJB: I see. So let's get down to brass tacks. The reason I called you here is I think we can help each other out.
SYB: How so?
LJB: Well the way I see it, you and Skurge need some help tonight with your match against Phantos and Lucios... am I right?
SYB: Well I wouldn't exactly say we need help but having someone out there to keep an eye on things wouldn't be so bad.
LJB: Exactly... and then you and Skurge can help me with something.
SYB: And that is?
LJB: I'm a lonely man, Solly.
SYB: Whoa.... back up there, Champ. I know you want to let off some steam Bennett, but we don't roll that way.
LJB: No you buffoon. I meant your lady friend, Miss Mantooth. Perhaps I could take her out to a nice seafood dinner.
SYB: Am I wearing a big ass purple hat? Do I look like a pimp?
LJB: I'm simply asking for an introduction... (something catches his eye)
SYB: (stands up and points a feeble finger in LJB's face) Listen to me now and believe me later. You want no part of her. She's gone down on everything but the Titanic...
LJB: Um....Solly...
SYB: Seriously, her snatch is like the Sarlacc Pit...
LJB: Solly...
SYB: What you call a lumberjack match, she calls Friday night...
LJB: SOLLY!
SYB: WHAT? (pause) She's behind me, isn't she?
LJB nods.
SYB turns around to find a steaming mad Dorothy Mantooth.
Without saying a word, she grabs SYB by his hook nose and leads him out of LJB's office.
SYB: OWWWW... hands off the moichondise!

*FADE*

[Deadly]

[Moosehead Jack is WALKING~! down the hallway when he hears loud swearing coming from around the corner. He turns said corner and sees that it's coming from The Dead's locker room, and that the door is slightly ajar. He peeks in.]

Moose: Everything ok?

Dead: Does everything look ok?

[Moose finally gets a good look at the room, and it looks like the aftermath of a rockstar hotel party.]

Moose: So I'm assuming it wasn't you that did this...

Dead: Do you think The Dead would be so upset if he did this himself?

Moose: Good point. So who was it? Someone from Rick's side?

Dead: Worse.

Moose: One of the neutrals?

Dead: No. It was El Muerte. The guy has been going crazy since we started this trip. And not only that, but it's getting expensive flying him from place to place each week. The Dead is thinking of shipping him back to Mexico as cheaply as possible. Maybe in a giant crate...

Moose: Well, you could do that, but I've got an even better idea.

Dead: What would that be?

Moose: Why don't you just send him straight ahead to Japan? He could be very valuable to us there.

Dead: That's not a bad idea. Muerte has done his fair share of international touring, and he knows quite a few people there.

Moose: Exactly. In fact, there is one person in particular that I'm sure he could get a hold of...

Dead: You don't mean...?

Moose: Yeah, "him".

Dead: Oh, this is too good. Let The Dead call Muerte and work out his flight arrangements.

Moose: This should be highly entertaining...

[The Dead goes toward the phone as Moosehead Jack starts to head out of the room. The Dead notices something in Moose's hand and stops him.]

Dead: Hey, what's that?

[Moosehead Jack shoves the piece of paper into his back pocket.]

Moose: Nothing.

Dead: It kind of looked like a list of some sort...

Moose: Don't worry about it. Just get Muerte to Japan. He'll know what to do from there.

[Moosehead Jack leaves the room as The Dead picks up the phone.]

[Concrete TG]

(Scene opens in a small courtroom. Firewoman and ConcreteTG are present, each seconded by a lawyer (Firewoman is seconded by Chris Jericho; Crete has Gregory Helms at his side. Shawn Michaels is standing near the judge's bench, dressed smartly as the bailiff. The two parties talk quietly amongst themselves as the lights inexplicably dim)

HBK: ALL RISE FOR COURT IS NOW IN SESSSION! THE HONORABLE JUDGE HELMSLEY PRESIDING.

(The courtroom is treated to the full entrance of Triple H, who prodly brandishes his sledgehammer-styled gavel as he heads for his seat)

Jericho: (to Fire) we're so gonna lose

FW: (whispering) no we won't, you're not against him....

CTG:(to Helms) we're so gonna lose

Helms: (in a low voice) not so, Citizen Takaken. No judge can take his prejudices into a court of law.

HHH: You may be seated. (all seat themselves) Before I begin, I have a couple of announcements. (takes out some note cards) "In spite of current events, my biases toward the accused...." bah (tosses the card, takes out another one) "A lady named Helen Hunt has lost a purse..." (tosses the card and gives Jericho a pointed look)

Jericho: (grins and shrugs)

HHH: (puts the cards aside) never mind, I need to get this over with. (looks over the docket) ok, Miss "Woman", you're the one accusing this guy "Gryfon" of sexually harassing you?

FW: that's correct, your honor

HHH: (Looks over at Gryfon and Helms) Him? HIM? You realize he's still a virgin, right?

Helms: Objection!

HHH: yeah yeah.... I mean, come on, he runs around in a mask and tights, you think he's even looking your way?

HBK: (leans back to the bench) hunter, you're not supposed to ask questions, you're the judge....

HHH: huh? Oh, right... Miss "Woman", you guys go first.

Jericho: (steps around the table) Now Fire, tell us about that afternoon in March.....

FW: I was in Columbus, Oh, fulfilling my contractual obligations as a spokesperson for Muscle Milk Protein Shakes. I was trying to get back to my booth when my way was impeded by this imbecile. Instead of allowing me to pass, like a true face would do--

Kayfabe: (Stands) Objection!

HHH: No interrupting the testimony! (point) boot to the head!

HBK: (Shrugs and superkicks Kayfabe back into her seat)

Jericho: Was it just as good as when you kicked Flair for the third time?

HBK: (Tries to superkick Jericho)

HHH: uh uh, Shawn, I didn't say "Boot to the head".

HBK: (stops, frets)

Jericho: Fire, if you would please continue.

FW: Concrete blocked my way. When I insisted he move, he then touched me ... uh... inappropriately.

Jericho: And could you describe to the court what you mean by "inappropriately"?

FW: He picked me up and carried me into a Victoria's secret - in front of a crowd of children that had been following him. I had no choice but to defend myself.

HHH: (surprised look at Gryfon) wow, didn't think you had it in ya

HBK: hunter....

HHH: *ahem* Right.

Jericho: Your HHHonor, you realize that since this was not in the confines of a wrestling ring but in a very public place, this would certainly damage reputations of both parties. However, Gryfon was very much in the wrong for assaulting a lady.

HHH: bet it was fun, though (grin)

HBK: Hunter!

HHH: I ain't dead, I'm married and she's all knocked up at home.

HBK: (sighs and shakes his head)

Jericho: While this might be seen as good behavior in a bar, in a brothel, in some people's locker rooms and bedrooms, I don't think on the floor of a convention in front of many innocent eyes goes well above and beyond this simple assault.

HHH: a'right, now let's hear from the accused.

Helms: (Stands, gathers his notes) Citizen Takaken, please explain to these people the events of that fateful day.

CTG: I was attending the Arnold Fitness Exposition in Columbus Ohio as a representative of a Youth Sports Initiative, a program based on the one Arnold himself started back in the 1970s. It was an awards day and I had fallen behind schedule in getting the children to the stage for presentations, which Arnold himself was overseeing. Firewoman, along with her enterouge, had the entire aisle blocked before us so we could not reach the stage and our final destination. Lacking options and not wishing to initiate hostilities that could cause physical injury to the children, I began with negotiations in hopes that she or all the men following her would at least give us a lane to which we could continue to the stage. Refusing that, I felt that I had no further recourse than to gather Firewoman and set her to one side.

Helms: And how exactly did you gather her?

HHH: (grinning wider and wider)

HBK: (swats Hunter's arm)

CTG: since she was not willing rescue I could not use the typical means where I could carry her in front of me. So I gathered her with my hands around her waist and then placed her on one shoulder.

Helms: do you feel your method was "inappropriate"?

HHH: for walking into a Victoria's secret it wasn't

HBK: Hunter!

HHH: come on, Shawn, you didn't do that at least once in your life?

HBK: that was a LONG time ago

FW: He pinched my ass

CTG: I blame your fanbase

Kayfabe: Objection!

HHH: (point) Boot to the head!

HBK: (Superkicks Kayfabe back into her seat)

Jericho: That's two, going for that magic number

HBK: (Sets to Superkick Jericho)

HHH: Shawn.....

HBK: (sighs and walks dejectedly back to his post)

HHH: Answer the question so we can keep going

CTG: The arm I used to secure Firewoman never left her waist or hips. My other arm was away from her body, maintaining balance as she punched at by back and tried to knee me in the face

FW: (stands) you pinched my ass!

CTG: Given where we ended up, I'm sure one of your fans felt need to do such a thing

FW: (Fuming)

Jericho: (holding her back) sure, Junior, blame it on someone else!

Helms: *Ahem* were you aware that you were going into a store of ... ill repute?

CTG: I was simply moving her aside, and I would have set her down gentler if she wasn't pounding on me

Jericho: Boo hoo hoo

CTG: She didn't break my thumb

Jericho: Hey, that was a LONG Time ago!

HHH: (trying not to slam his gavel down) order, order.....

(everyone returns to their seats, except Helms)

Helms: Your HHHonor, you must take into consideration that while what he did may seem to the public at large as inappropriate, he did attempt at least to minimize hostilities. It seems that his actions have been misinterpreted.

HHH: okay, lemme see if I got this straight. You two were blocking an aisle at the Arnold Expo? (Crete and fire both nod) Neither one of you wanted to move? (they both nod) so you picked her up and moved her aside? (Crete nods) and you DIDN'T pinch her ass? (Crete shakes head no) Did you slap him before he picked you up? (Fire thinks a moment, but shakes her head no) alright, let me look over my notes.

(HHH picks up the folder (sideways) and it falls completely open)

FW: !!!

Helms: I sense Cerebral Harassment!

HHH: (grinning at the file)

Jericho: permission to approach the bench?

HHH: you don't wanna see this

FW: (about ready to charge the bench)

HBK: (Loud whisper) Hunter.....

HHH: huh? (drops the folder) oh yeah....(composes himself) now then, in the case of Concrete versus Firewoman, I find Concrete guilty-

CTG: (Stands) This is retaliatory!

HHH: (point) boot to the head

HBK: (Superkicks Crete back into his chair)

Helms: (stands) As a representative of this citizen-

HHH: You get one too (points) boot to the head

HBK: (Superkicks Helms back into his chair)

HHH: As I was saying, I find Concrete guilty of failing to seize the opportunity for sexual harassment and in light of people's exhibit "X" here (holding up the folder)

FW: That's Photoshopped!

HHH: (point) boot to the head

HBK: I don't kick girls anymore, Hunter

HHH: (points to Jericho) you've been wanting to kick him all day

HBK: (shrugs and superkicks Jericho back into his chair)

HHH: and to you Firewoman, I find you guilty of NOT posing for people's exhibit "X" and misrepresenting yourself in this courtroom. I'm not sure which is worse - Gryfon not wanting to touch your ass or you being offended for showing ass

Kayfabe: (stands) Objection!

HHH: (point) boot to the head

HBK: (Superkicks Kayfabe back into her seat)

Jericho: (still holding his jaw) that's three, Junior....

HHH: Shawn, how come you can kick her?

HBK: She doesn't count, Hunter, you don't like her either!

HHH: Right. When the virgins come to, tell em they owe you $75,000 for not sexually harassing you. Any final statements?

FW: (point) boot to the head

HBK: (Superkicks HHH clean out of his seat)

[Tommy]

This totally happened hours before Crete's awesome courtroom thing ever happened



*Davin Moreland is SITTING at a table near the Dunkin' Donuts Hospitality Tent, which is currently unmanned, because at the table is Davin, Curt "The Golden God" Schilling, Randy "Straight Cash Homey" Moss (there for the shift change) and Chris "Y2J" Jericho*

DM: How come I don't have a clever nickname?

C'TGG'S: Cause you're not that clever? *POP* Ow...

R'SCH'M: So anyway man, when are we goin back to the States? I got minicamp at some point.

DM: Oh, you're gonna be back in time for Minicamp. You might miss an OTA or two, but no minicamp.

R'SCH'M: Word.

C'Y2J'J: So anyway, John says hi.

DM: Yeah? Where's he been?

C'Y2J'J: Movie or something. Pretty much the E wants to keep him off TV for a while.

C'TGG'S: Not such a bad idea.

R'SCH'M: Word.

DM: Anyway, tell him I said hi when you get back.

C'Y2J'J: Will do. What's been up with you anyway? I haven't seen you since I got back.

DM: HA! How long you got? Let's see, I've been the longest reigning Onslaught Champion...I've chosen a side in this stupid war...I've joined management...Got Swerved...returned the swerve with a better swerve...and I'm made some pretty good friends here.

C'Y2J'J: That always helps in this business.

DM: Yeah, here come two of them now. Hey guys! P-Dawg! Lucios!

C'Y2J'J: Wait, you're friends with your stablemates?

DM: Yeah? Why?

C'Y2J'J: Cause that never happens.

P: Hey Davin. Hey! You're Chris Jericho!

C'Y2J'J: I am. You must be Phantos.

P: How'd you know?

C'Y2J'J: Mask. Cape.

P: Oh. Anyway...I use stuff out of your moveset all the time.

C'TGG'S: Most of them do.

DM: Hell, he KNOWS I do.

C'Y2J'J: It's frightening when you do it.

DM: Heh. I know.

R'SCH'M: I use it.

C'TGG'S: When the hell would you use it?

R'SCH'M: On the field. That's why they can't see me.

DM: I think you're thinking of Cena's moveset.

R'SCH'M: Oh yeah?

C'Y2J'J: Yeah.

R'SCH'M: Word.

L: So what brings you to Siberia, Mr. Jericho?

C'Y2J'J: Chris

L: Chris?

C'Y2J'J: One of your fellow workers wanted me to come in. Of course, I'm here for three seconds and she takes off. Thank God at least you're here Davin, otherwise I would have been bored to tears.

DM: You know Crete.

C'Y2J'J: I do.

L: You could have hung out with him too.

C'Y2J'J: I COULD have. I mean, it's physically possible.

DM: *smirks*

C'TGG'S: Why wouldn't you?

C'Y2J'J: I dunno, maybe because he politicked his way into the Main Event, jumping over those more deserving and then left the company high and dry with no notice.

DM: Sounds familiar.

P: He did that here too.

R'SCH'M: Word?

C'TGG'S: That's how it happened Randy.

C'Y2J'J: So what is he doing here? Same thing?

DM: Under the guise of "fighting for the good cause" but yeah, pretty much. Tried to angle into my feud with Cole. Luckily I do have a little stroke around here. Enough to put an end to that.

C'Y2J'J: It's almost sociopathic isn't it?

C'TGG'S: Good observation, Chris.

L: Anyway, we should go watch tape.

P: Why?

L: Because we should.

P: We watch SO MUCH TAPE!

L: And that's what made us champions.

P: You're right. Not our ability or our attitudes, it was totally the ENDLESS HOURS OF TAPE WE WATCHED OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

C'TGG'S: I watch a lot of tape. I even make a spreadsheet.

P: AHHHHHHHH!

*Phantos leaves*

L: I should probably go get him.

DM: Good plan.

L: See you later. Nice meeting you Chris.

*Lucios leaves*

C'TGG'S: Don't you have a promo to do, Davin?

DM: Yeah.

R'SCH'M: You need a plot device, homey?

DM: Nope this is gonna be pretty simple. *stands up* CAMERAMAN, ZOOM IN ON ABS!

C'Y2J'J: Pretty sure that's gimmick infringement.

DM: He's so crazy he wouldn't notice anyway.

C'Y2J'J: You've got a point.

DM: Ok, seriously quiet everyone. Ninja: 3, 2, ...; Chris "The MAIN EVENT' Cole. Tonight marks the beginning of the end with us, and after this; it's over. There's just one thing I think you should remember. After tonight? It's gonna be...*Davin holds up 6 fingers and the cameraman zooms in*...Cut.

C'Y2J'J: Good job.

DM: You gonna give me talking lessons at some point?

C'Y2J'J: I thought Cena did that with you?

DM: Yeah, and I've got it down if I want to sound like Randy.

R'SCH'M: Word.

*All of a sudden there's a voice from down the hall*

VFDTH: Chris!

*Firewoman and a just woken up Alexis Darling come into camera range*

FW: What are you doing down here?

AD: Hi Davin.

DM: Hi Lexie.

C'Y2J'J: Just talking with my buddy Davin here.

FW: You KNOW each other?

DM: Word.

R'SCH'M: HEY!

C'Y2J'J: Yeah, I met him a couple years ago through Cena. Good thing he was here. I would have had to talk to the sociopath.

FW: Um...you ARE talking to the sociopath.

DM: That's not very nice, Fire.

FW: Fuck You.

AD: *grabs Firewoman's arm* You really need to stop that shit. He's helped you so much.

FW: Oh bull Lexie. Why? Because he didn't book himself to beat me?

AD: For starters.

FW: For not retaliating after I smashed him in the face with a coffee cup?

C'TGG'S: That was funny.

R'SCH'M: Shut the fuck up, fool.

AD: Among other reasons.

FW: Like what? Like not suspending me? Like treating me like a child? By levying a ridiculous fine that I can't ever pay?

AD: It's paid.

FW: Bout time you two got around to that.

AD: Wasn't the Darlings.

FW: Then who the fuck was it?

*Alexis darts her eyes quickly once over to Davin and then back*

FW: You've GOT to be shitting me.

DM: Yes Lexie. Stop shitting her.

AD: You really going to keep this up?

DM: I don't want to get into details right now.

AD: Then maybe we should talk about this later.

*awkward silence*

DM: erm...Call the GMs office and we'll see if we can't set something up.

AD: I'd appreciate it.

FW: C'Mon, Chris.

C'Y2J'J: Yes Dear. Later guys. It was fun - we'll hang out again. I'm here for a while.

*Chris Jericho, Firewoman and Alexis Darling all leave*

C'TGG'S: Cool guy. I should blog about this.

R'SCH'M: Word.

Spirios: BARK!

Smokey: Meow.

*fade*

[Attitude Adjuster]

AA and JA are catching up with OOWF-TV. AA is selling the chair shot from Firewoman, because if there’s one thing The Heels do, it’s understand continuity.

AA: Have you noticed how everyone is now using the standard Heels promo format?

JA: You mean where they note the speaker and the statements, like a script?

AA: Exactly. And if OO was still around, we could prove we started it. Before then, it was just a bunch of random monologues.

JA: Have we ever received any credit for that?

AA: No. Well, except indirectly with all the Promo, Gimmick and Angle of the Year awards.

JA: If we win Angle of the Year this year, I want it to be Karen.

AA: Heels Sandwich!!!!

JA: You know, most of the time I’d find that gross, but with Karen that seems OK. Hey, is this promo going anywhere?

AA: Not really. I actually just wanted to talk about how long the promos are getting these days. I mean, how are we supposed to keep up with everything going on when even promo is three pages long? Does everyone think they’re Hollywood Writer Monkeys now?

JA: I’m with you. Most of that crap, after the first page, my eyes just glaze over.

AA: I fully agree. It’s like we could write anything in the middle of these promos and no one would notice. I could walk out of this room, grab a sandwich, and in my place we could have this:

VOSEN : Lets try and be adults okay? We all thought he was done, off the grid. But Bourne's back. Maybe he's a threat. We both want the same thing here.

LANDY: So what happened at Waterloo?

VOSEN: We have a leak. Bourne showed up in our surveillance. We had very little time to react.

LANDY: And the reporter ended up dead?

VOSEN: Bourne saw us coming.

JA: You mean I could walk out with my golf clubs, hit around for 18 holes, and while I’m gone...

OVEUR: Have you ever been in a cockpit before?

JOEY: No, sir. I've never been up in a plane before.

OVEUR: Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Joey has been paying very close attention to Murdock, and suddenly recognizes him.

JOEY: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers!

MURDOCK: I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.

JOEY: You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My Dad's got season tickets!

MURDOCK: I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?

OVEUR: No, he's not bothering anyone. Let him stay up here.

MURDOCK: All right. But just remember, my name is Roger Murdock.

JOEY: I think you're the greatest. But my Dad says you don't work hard enough on defense.

MURDOCK (into microphone): Denver Control, this is Flight two-zero- niner intersecting Victor Airway seven- niner-niner.

JOEY: ...and that lots of times you don't even run down court.

MURDOCK: We are turning left to a heading of zero- niner-niner.

JOEY: ...and that you don't really try, except during the playoffs.

MURDOCK: The hell I don't! I'm out there busting my buns every night. Listen, kid, I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. Tell your old man to drag Unseld and Lanier up and down the court for forty-eight minutes. (into mike) Ah...Denver Control, this is Flight two- zero-niner continuing on a heading two- niner-niner...niner, ah...niner...niner.

AA: Exactly my point. And if anyone were still reading this, they’d laugh because…

TERMINATOR (V.O.): ...the Remington 1100 Autoloader...

WIDE as the CLERK, who looks like a sick lizard, pallid and paunchy, takes the rifle from a wall rack.He lays it beside the arsenal of perfectly legal anti-human artillery already on the glass counter. Terminator scans expressionlessly for additional selections.

CLERK: Anything else?

TERMINATOR: A phased plasma pulse-laser in the forty watt range...

CLERK (annoyed): Just what you see, pal.

TERMINATOR: The Uzi 9 millimeter.

CLERK (setting it out): You know your weapons, buddy.

Terminator examines each in turn, working the actions with curt, precise movements.

CLERK (continuing): Any one of them's ideal for home defense. Which'll it be?

TERMINATOR: All.

JA: Damn, that’s some good stuff there, AA.

AA: That’s why we’re still the No. 1 PROMO TEAM IN THE OOWF. Now let’s go kick some jobber ass.

[Fire-Babe]

HA! EXALT~! (set on fire, of course...)

[The Jewish Cunthead]

*OOC* that's why AA is still the best.

[Deleted]

Seamus sits against a bunch of pallets in an out of the way spot deep in the bowels of the area…he is on the phone

Seamus: “Yeah, I got it, but the message has been compromised…some idiot backstage monkey gave it to Stank…you know Damon’s stupid ass little nickname backfired…I don’t know…two or three people must have read it…I don’t care…You know I’m game anyway…I could give a shit about any of the chicken shit that goes on around here…look you told me to come here….I’m here…jobbing for a living and watching…keeping my eyes open….what?....yeah Stank had it…naaaa he didn’t give a shit…he gave it to me and we parted ways…didn’t really ask about his family, he didn’t ask me anything….who?....Moose is OK, I tagged with the Dead for a minute he seems ok…Damon is driving me crazy as always…look I gotta go, we have a match tonight…Damon will be looking for me….no…no, he doesn’t know, he won’t have a problem with it…

…..


…..Look I told you I would help you with this, I know what you did for me after Manchester…it was over twenty years ago…when we are done with this…I’m finished….you’re paid in full and I walk away…

….

Seamus closes flip phone and walks away…whistling as he does