[Fire-Babe]

In the RunDEA Training Facility, sponsored by GNC Firewoman and Alexander Darling are working on stuff for their match. It's not going well, as Firewoman misses her third moonsault in a row

AD: Dammit, Firewoman, focus.

FW: Oh shut up. Let me crack a couple of your ribs and see how well you focus.

AD: What, so I can match you and Davin?

L: That wouldn't work. We'd have to change our team name to Snap-Crackle-and-Pop.....

FW: Lucky?

L: Oops...was that out loud?

AD: If you were my employee I'd fire you.

Firewoman seizes an opportunity and trips Alexander with a toe hold

FW: Ha! Now who's not focused!

AD: A lucky shot....let's take a break.

They go over to the corner where Lucky hands out towels and Aquafina

AD: Remember when we started this?

FW: This practice? Yes, just like it was this morning...oh wait...it was.

AD: No....I meant this business....

FW: Philadelphia? Gods, barely. I think I killed those particular brain cells--

AD: No,...sheesh, I mean here, at OOWF.

FW: Oh...yeah, I guess. I don't really give it much thought.

AD: You. Ha! You remember everything.

FW: Not true. I don't remember what my issues are with Bryce Larson. What's your point, Alex?

AD: Well, it's just... okay, you have your thing with Tyson--

FW: I don't have a "thing" with Tyson!

AD: Um..okay, that's not what I meant...your feud thing....and me with Eric...now a year ago, when we first got here, that would mean all sorts of stuff... backstage attacks, bloody and battered before we even stepped into the ring.

FW: Huh...you're right...yeah, that was great........

AD: But now? Anytime someone does something, someone's stepping between them. First Moose protects his boy from the pummeling he so rightly deserves yesterday, and then Davin gets in between me and Eric....

FW: "Eric and I."

AD: huh?

FW: You mean "Eric and I."

AD: ......

FW: Sorry, been grading papers all day....carry on.

AD: Yeah, anyway....so.....what happened to this place? Are the rumors of a PG13 rating really true?

FW: I dunno. I think after last year's war, and the one that seems to be bubbling under the surface between us and, oh, everyone, maybe folks are just gun shy?

AD: I don't know.... Moose and Davin aren't gun shy guys. Neither is Stank, and he didn't do anything to you for being in the Destroyitarium. No one did!

FW: Well, don't get too comfortable. The Bastard McMahon is surely looking to regain some prestige after Daddy kicked him out penniless.

AD: Is that what happened? How do you know?

FW: I have my ways, Alex. And one day soon, Tyson and I may find ourselves in a dark, secluded corridor, where his guardian angel Moose isn't there to protect him.

AD: Yeah, well, let me know when that is, if you need--

FW: [looking Alexander dead in the eye for the first time all morning] I won't. But thanks.

AD: Great. Let's see if we can keep that focus there, okay? Seriously, what has got you all distracted?

FW: Nothing, Alex. Let's get to work.

AD: Fine, just....sheesh, you can't even hit a moonsault this morning, so get your head in the game.

fade

[Deadly]

[The Dead is sitting in his locker room. He is on the phone and seems very focused. Only his side of the conversation can be heard.]

Dead:...right, it's just that...yeah, I know, I saw what happened...

[Dead listens intently to what seems to be (based on the length of time) a rant on the other end.]

Dead: You know it doesn't have to be that way, things can change....I mean, hell, this would be a perfect example of that...Ok, I know....Yeah, just-...just sit tight and think about it, that's all...I mean really think about it...

[The Dead hangs up the phone.]

[BC]

LD Williams is WALKING down the Hallway of Random Encounters (they should really put mirrors in this thing). He turns a corner and comes face to face with Poe. Selena is by his side.

Poe: Well hello...Champ.

LDW: Poe...

Poe: Congratulations are in order. You had one hell of a night last week.

LDW: Thank you. Nice...match?

SG: Where's the puppy?

Poe: You're welcome. I for that I'm referring to softening up Davin for you.

LDW: You want a medal or something?

Poe: No. Just know that I'm the one you should truly concern yourself with, not the walking pile of cracked bones that talks of himself in the third person.

LDW: Lemme guess, I should have eyes in the back of my head, I should watch my back, some god or goddess I've never heard of is gonna eat my soul? Is that where you're going with this?

Poe smiles and half laughs.

Poe: No, for your see Mr. Williams, I respect you personally unlike our last champion. So I will won't come after you from behind, or sneak attack, or any of that. Just know that very soon, we'll be face to face in that ring, and I will take that title.

LDW: Lookin' forward to it. Gimme your best shot.

The two men stare each other down for a moment longer before going their seperate ways.

SG: He didn't answer me about the puppy.

Poe heads to the gym,opening the door. The door smacks into the Amnesiac.

EOM: HA!

Poe and Selena look at the Amnesiac lying on the floor.

SG: Can you just pin him now?

Poe smiles and heads to the military press.

[Outback Frito Pendejo]

*At the OOWF house show, between matches, the fans erupt when Bad to the Bone plays, and Fear Us, with Wally B King, hit the ring. OBJ has a microphone. He drinks beer and belches*

OBJ: That was Australian for, when we formed Fear Us we had goals. like kicking ass, drinking, beer, and taking Run-DLP down!

*fans cheer*

LDW: We did all that, and we didn't even run out of beer!

*fans pop for reference to beer*

OBJ: But with LD winning Davin Moreland's *batista laughs* title, I need a new partner right quick. So, I'm going to give some of the "enhancement talent" a chance.

*LD and Wally exit the ring, and Strebor Nohj runs in, shouting "Huss!" He and OBJ circle warily, and wind up in a collar and elbow tie-up. Nohj manges to grab an armbar, which OBJ reverses. Nohj shouts "Huss!" some more and grabs the ropes. OBJ releases, and then offers a test of strength. OBJ ends that quickly with a kick to the gut, followed by a DDT.

Fumunda Mung runs into the ring. He throws a series of punches at OBJ, which ends when OBJ hits a pair of head butts, followed by several chops to the chest. OBJ whips Mung across the ring and hits a big splash in the corner. Mung staggers away, and is dropped by a Boomerang. Mung is down.

OBJ turns, and is hit by a dropkick from Jose Manuel Ramirez Ortiz Cuervo. JMROC climbs to the top rope and goes for a Four Star Frog Splash, but OBJ gets a leg up. JMROC is stunned. OBJ gets up, picks up JMROC, and gets him up in a delayed vertical suplex. JMROC might be dead, but OBJ makes sure by locking in the Croc Hunter. He then rolls JMROC's carcass out of the ring.

The Jobberos have come out to ringside. Jobbero #1, looking a bit fatter than usual, locks up with OBJ, while Jobbero #2 attempts to lead cheers from the sidelines. Jobbero #1 holds his own fairly well, and manages to hit a claw hold on OBJ, until OBJ hits a mule kick to the nether regions, followed by an eye poke and a sleeper hold. OBJ is about to unmask Jobbero #1 when he is laid out by a chair shot from Jobbero #2. Jobbero #2 starts to celebrate, but is the laid out by LD Willliams. Jobbero #1 bails out, as LD rips off his partner's mask to reveal...Pat Summitt?

[wld]

**Fear Us head backstage. Wally and OBJ head for the Destroyitarium as Sexy Female Journalist #47 approaches L.D. Williams.**

SFJ#47: “L.D., Wednesday night you became OOWF World Heavyweight Champion for a second time. Your thoughts on that accomplishment?”

LDW: “Firewoman. Seamus McNasty. Davin Moreland. A person could hang a career on victories over those three. In one night I defeated the Intercontinental, Onslaught, and World Heavyweight Champions. Not a night I'll soon forget.”

SFJ#47: “This week at mayhem, your first title defense will be against the former champion.”

LDW: “I'll give Davin credit – he's taking this well. Let's be honest – Firewoman's injured, Davin's injured, and Seamus had just survived a beating from Outback Jack. Each one of them could make excuses, but to their credit, they haven't. As for the rematch, I'm looking forward to it. Annoying as Davin is outside the ring, inside it he's one of the best.”

SFJ#47: “Your victory has left you in a difficult position, having to give up the tag team titles.”

LDW: “Honestly, I wasn't sure how we were going to handle that. The tag team titles mean as much to me as the world title does. But, my partner seems to to be handling that part of things. However, don't think I didn't notice the way The Captain and Tennille made a beeline for Rick's office as soon as I won. Trying to steal the championships? Way to be measuring sticks boys. We're not done with you yet. Not by a long shot.”

SFJ#47: “There are a number of other competitors who seem to be lining up for a shot at your title. Do you have anything to say to them?”

LDW: “The same rules apply now as the last time I held this title. I will defend it anytime, anywhere, and against any man, woman, or Prehistoric Zombie Pirate Ninja Robot Wizard from Outer Space who wants to try me. Now if you'll excuse me, Wally is rounding up another group of potential partners for OBJ to try out.”

[The Jewish Cunthead]

*FADE IN TO THE OOWF ARENA*

<”Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by AC/DC blares over the PA system. The crowd is restless as we wait for SYB to come down the ramp. An invisible cameraman catches him wandering aimlessly backstage.>

SYB: This has to be the way. Rock N Roll!

<He walks into the Destroyitarium.>

OBJ: <belches> That’s Australian for wrong way, mate. Take a left at Albuquerque and you’ll hit Pismo Beach and all the clams you can eat.

SYB: Thanks.

<He walks out and makes a left>

SYB: Rock N Roll!

<He makes his way down the ramp and smirks at his adoring fans. SYB gets in the ring and grabs the mic>

SYB: Hello Cleveland!

Crowd: BOOOOOO~!

SYB: I don’t see how my religious preference has anything to do with this. I don’t go to your jobs and yell “CHRISTIAN”, do I?

<The crowd murmurs. A lone voice calls out “I don’t get it.”>

SYB: Let me explain why I decided to grace you good people with my presence… and then I’ll leave just like this guy did.

<He removes his shirt to reveal a Mets Johan Santana jersey. The crowd is going apeshit now>

SYB:Easy compadres. I come in peace, alright? In fact, I would like to extend an olive branch to my opponent at Mayhem. Moose I know I’ve said some smartass things and for that I'm sorry. Why don’t you come on down here so I can tell you this face-to-face?

<Scarecrow’s “Ministry” is pumped out over the speakers and everyone turns to the ramp to see Monkh coming down dressed in moose pajamas as well as a lightbulb swinging over his head. SYB is laughing his ass off as Monkh slowly enters the ring>

SYB: Moose! Hey buddy, how are you doing?

Monkh: I…

SYB: Yeah that’s great. Look Moose, I’m glad I have you out here. I just wanted to bury the hatchet. I called you some names, you sent me to Poland to get gassed, it happens. I don’t hold any grudges. In fact, let’s play a little game. Do you like Word Association?

Monkh: …

SYB: Good. It’s simple enough that even a dumb fuck like you can understand it. I say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Ready?

<Monkh nods>

SYB: First

Monkh: Blood

SYB: In God We

Monkh: Trust

SYB: A song by Aretha Frank…

<The lights flicker for a few seconds and then go out completely. The Vincent Price Thriller laugh echoes throughout the arena. The lights come back on and MooseheadJack is in the ring with a barbed wire bat. He takes a swing at SYB who ducks in the nick of time. The bat hits Monkh squarely in the chest. The crowd falls into a hush as SYB slides out of the ring. Moose snarls as SYB walks slowly up the ramp, giving him the universal "I'm smarter than you" sign as he points to his head.>

*FADE*

[Jack Quinn]

<Moose leaves the ring and heads to the back, destroying anyone and anything he sees with his barbed wire baseball bat. He rounds the corner and sees a man standing there in an oversized trench coat, dark glasses and a big floppy hat>

MHJ:<snarling> Where did SYB go?

<The man points down the hall and Moose heads off in that direction for a few steps, then stops>

MHJ: Wait a damn minute

<Moose turns around and charges at the man and swings for the fences, but the man drops the coat and hauls ass down the hall. Of course you know, this is SYB. SYB rounds a corner and makes it a few feet down the hall when, a door opens and knocks SYB COLD! The Amnesiac walks out and looks at SYB lying there twitching. Eric O'Mac comes out of another door and points at SYB.....>

EOM: H........oh.........wait. It wasn't you?

TA: No not this time.

EOM: Well, its not quite as funny as this is going to be

TA: As wha......WHAM!

<Moose slams The Amnesiac upside the head with the bat>

EOM:<pointing at The Amnesiac> HA!

<The Amnesiac falls to the floor, barely conscious. Moose takes the barbed wire bat and pummels SYB with it for a few minutes, then grabs SYB by the leg and drags him down the hall. Moose stops by a set of double doors for a moment, and seems to contemplate something, then kicks the doors open and drags SYB through the doors>

Fade

[Road Warrior Shark]

Inside The Suites, Lucios is watching last weeks ********** classic involving Phantos & The Dead. Phantos is bounding away on his trampoline. Outof nowhere, Alexis walks in.

Alexis: Anyone seen my brother?

Lucios:

Phantos (flips off and lands behind Alexis): Heloooooooooo Lexi!

Alexis: (cringes): Can you not be so annoying?

Phantos: Probably not. But I can give it a shot.

Lucios:

Alexis (to Phantos): What's with him?

Phantos: He's been a little cranky, so I wouldn't bug him right now. HEY! you and I are still alive in the Inviational huh?

Alexis: Surprisingly. Yes. Have you seen my brother?

Phantos: No. I've been pre-occupied. Best of Stormy Daniels Vol 2 on DVD and then I've been on that for a while now. Want to go work out for next week together?

Alexis: *batistalaughs* Me? with you? Oh no. Leesa might indulge your pre-pubescent fantasies, but I will have no part of it.

Phantos: Luc probably has some tape on Capslock. We wrestled him a bunch when he was teaming with that guy Lauren Phoenix was banging.

Alexis: Fine, but watch your hands. I won't hesitate to kick your ass myself.

Phantos: Yes Ma'am!

***Time Warp****

Phantos returns to The Suites to find Luc turning off the Sony Multimedia Center

Lucios: Where have you been?

Phantos: went and worked out with Alexis.

Lucios: Alexis?

Phantos: yep!

Lucios:

Lucios:

Lucios:

Lucios: Really.

Phantos: Yep. and you know what man? She ain't all that bad. Wouldn't mind working with her more down the road.

Lucios: Wow. Just. Wow.

[Mr. Dashbee]

OOWF-TV heads into The Heroes Guild lockerroom where Concrete TG is leading a meeting.

CTG: Citizens, we have a very important week ahead of us. Citizen Wrath, you have a chance for a little revenge against Matte for what he did in the hallway.

DW: And I can't wait!

CTG: And Citizen Paladin, you will have a distinct size disadvantage against Skurge.

N: Yes, but I've overcome those odds my entire life! This hero will come through!

CTG: And then Citizen Blitz, you have drawn as your second round opponent...me.

B: Indeed Gryfon. We know each other well, and I suspect we will put on one hell of a match.

CTG: I have the size and experience edge, but you have the speed advantage over me.

B: No offense Gryfon, but I expect to pull out the win in a close one on Wednesday.

CTG: Citizen Blitz, I would expect no less of an attitude, and do know that I will come to fight as well.

[As CTG talks, we hear the door open.]

CTG: Citizen...what are you doing in here? This is a closed door meeting.

Bryce Larson: Really? [Pulls out his cell phone] This text message says I was invited.

CTG: Citizen Larson, specifically who invited you in here?

BL: That midget over there.

CTG: Citizen Paladin? Is this true.

N: It is 'Crete, it is.

CTG: I'm sorry--I don't understand why you'd do that.

N: I think he can still come around, I think he can be one of us.

BL: I can guarantee you one thing midget, I'll never be one of you.

CTG: Citizen Paladin, I'm afraid I have to agree with Citizen Larson on this one. He'll never be one of us.

BL: Well for once we can agree. But just this once.

[With that, Bryce leaves the room, Nayr acts frustrated, and the members of the Guild begin to review tape of their upcoming opponents.]

[Outback Frito Pendejo]

*Fear Us has taken over a local indy show as OBJ continues to audition potential partners. We join them in progress, as OBJ and LD Williams are dragging the carcass of Dr. Stone Cold Death Von Erich out of the ring and tossing him next to The Love Machine and Hi-Vo Sakamoto on the floor of the Springfield High School Gym. A small but enthusiastic crowd watches while the ring announcer leaves the side of Wally B. King, who is hunched over a laptop. The announcer, a woman who's gimmick is that she's Jim Cornette's niece, climbs into the ring.*

Rikki Cornette: The winner of the previous match, in 2 minutes flat, Outback Jack!

*OBJ rolls back into the ring and acknowledges cheers from the fans*

RC: Our next contestand hails all the way from Hawaii! It's Mele Kaliki..., um, Kalakilami, or is it Kalamaki...*pulls out a pair of reading glasses and an index card*

*Meanwhile, Mele runs toward the ring with his flaming pole (insert double entendre here), exciting the crowd. Unfortunately he slips and falls, knocking himself unconscious with the pole. Fortunately the ring crew puts the fire out quickly, and OBJ drags his body next to the others.

LD, meanwhile, has picked up the microphone Rikki Cornette dropped while fumbling with her notes.

LD: Jack, I think it's time to take a break from auditioning jobbers and let the good people of Springfield *cheap pop works* see you take on an established star of the OOWF! *More cheers as OBJ rolls into the ring and nods.

LD: He's a tag team specialist, but for this event I've persuaded him to face you in a singles match. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I give you....the man they call...The Captain! *Huge pop from the crowd*

LD waves to the sound technician (a teenager with a boom box) who starts to play God Bless Texas. The fans are all on their feet now. OBJ is pacing in the ring like a caged tiger. Unfortunately there's no sign of Phantos. LD waves again to the kid with the boom box, who switches to...Muskrat Love?

A man in a cheesy captain's outfit and oversized hat walks down to the ring. He's accompanied by a rather skanky woman in an evening dress, smoking a cigarette and drinking a martini.*

LD: I see he's found yet another Darling sister, Tenille Darling! Ladies and gentleman, it's the Captain and Tenille!

*The older fans are laughing, as the younger ones scratch their heads. "The Captain" tries to enter the ring, but is blocked by the ref. Meanwhile Rikki Cornette has reclaimed her mic.*

RC: Very funny, but that man is not a trained wrestler. He runs the local adult video store! Er, or so I'm told, that is. Mr. King, have you located any more contenders?

Wally (looking up rom his laptop): I've got good news.

RC: You've recruited someone our indy wanker internet fanbase wants to see?

Wally: No, but I just saved 15% on my car insurance with GEICO!

[Jack Quinn]

<We cut to the palatial IHOP locker room where Skurge, Fezzik and Monkh are playing Rock Band when The Amnesiac stumbles into the room>

Skurge: Late night, eh TA?

Dorothy Mantooth: Where have you been? You missed the training session! And SYB too!

The Amnesiac: I was lying out there in the hall OUT COLD! Didn't any of you HEAR anything?

Sku: I didn't

DM: Nope

Fezzik: We had Rock Band up pretty loud

DM: Well what the hell happened to you?

TA: Moose hit me in the head with a barbed wire baseball bat

DM: Why?

TA: Does he need a reason?

DM: Did he HAVE a reason?

TA: Oh, yeah, I think he was after SYB

DM: Is SYB out there?

TA: I didn't see him

DM: Shit. Boys, turn that off so we can watch OOWFtv and see if we can find out where SYB is

Sku: Do we HAVE to?

F: Yeah do we HAVE to? I am about to rock the drum solo in "Won't Get Fooled Again"

DM: Normally, I would say no, but the last time Moose attacked SYB he sent him to 1939 Poland. Do you REALLY want to hear him whine about that AGAIN?

<Skurge and Fezzik quickly turn off the game and search OOWFtv until they come to "Moosehead Jack Promo on SYB">

DM: There! That one

<We cut back to the stairs where Moose stands up a barely conscious SYB, then grabs a conveniently placed logging chain, wraps it around his fist, and HEARTPUNCHES SYB! sending him down the first flight of stairs onto the landing, leaving him gasping for breath. Moose slowly walks down the stairs unwrapping the chain. He gets to SYB and kicks him in the mouth then leans down and smacks him with the barbed wire bat, then grabs his head and looks right at SYB>

MHJ: Damn, that's GOT to hurt, huh?

<To SYB's credit, he spits back in Moose's face, which, given the circumstances, probably wasn't a good idea. Moose cracks SYB in the skull with the bat again and then wraps the chain around his throat and throws him over the landing, to the floor below. Moose takes the end of the chain and starts pulling it, until SYB's feet are just off the floor. SYB grabs his throat, trying to get the chain off as Moose slowly walks down the steps>

MHJ: What's wrong SYB? You all out of JOKES? <Moose punctuates that with a barbed wire bat shot to the ribs>. Aww. Come on now, this has to remind you of a movie or something? <SYB struggles, but his face is starting to turn an ugly shade of purple> I'll make this fast.

<Moose unwraps a piece of barbed wire from the bat and wraps it around his fist, then HAMMERS SYB with it, leaving him bloody and unconscious. Moose unloops the chain from SYB's throat sending him to the floor. Moose stands over him for a moment, then pulls him to his feet, and DRIVES HIM TO THE FLOOR WITH A DDT! SYB remains motionless on the floor, a pool of blood spreading from beneath his head. Moose seems satisfied and walks away>

DM: HOLY SHIT! WHERE IS THAT?

Sku: I know where that is, that is the Stairwell of Horrible Violence! Come on

<They all leave the palatial IHOP locker room, and moments later show up at the Stairwell of Horrible Violence where SYB remains unconscious at the bottom of the steps>

DM: Fezzik take him back to the Palatial IHOP locker room, I will go get the OOWF medics

<fade>

[The Jewish Cunthead]

*FADE IN TO THE PALATIAL IHOP LOCKER ROOM*

<The mood is somber as the OOWF medics work over SYB's limp body.>

Medic #1: Breathe… come on Solly. Breathe! Live damn you!

Medic #2: Call it Johnny.

<DM is bawling as Skurge and The Amnesiac try to console her>

Medic #1: Not on my watch! <He throws his hands to the sky> It’s not time yet! <He pounds on SYB’s lifeless body a few more times>

Medic #2: Time of death: 12:25 PM.

<The room is completely silent except for DM’s sobbing>

Medic #1: I’m sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need.

<The two medics gather their equipment and leave.>

Skurge: Well that escalated quickly.

The Amn: Dude.

Skurge: What? Solly would have wanted us to keep it light, eh?

The Amn: Now what?

Skurge: I trust Moose will have to respect whatever we bloody well do, right?

Fezzik: Fucking right.

The Amn: What does that even mean?

Skurge: Nothing. I just wanted to get another dig in on that hairy psycho fuck. I will say this to you Moose. Never bet against a Canadian when death is on the line!

The Amn: Meaning?

Skurge: The Skurges have never taken defeat easily. Come Fezzik, bring the body.

Fezzik: The body?

Skurge: Have you any money?

The Amn: I have a little.

Skurge: Me too. I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

DM: <sniffling> Where are you going?

Skurge: We’re going to try to whip up a miracle, eh?

DM: <wincing> THAT was bad.

Skurge: Solly would have wanted it that way. Let’s go boys.

<With SYB’s body over his shoulder, Fezzik follows Skurge and The Amnesiac out of the arena into deepest, darkest Minnesota.>
…

<We now see the remaining members of IHOP arrive with SYB’s body in front of a small wooden house. Skurge knocks on the door.>

Voice: <from inside, irritated> Go away!

<Skurge knocks harder until a very old man answers. He looks through a hole cut in the door.>

Old Man: What?! What?!

Skurge: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for DeerheadJack all those years?

Max: Deer’s stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed! <Max closes a flap over the door hole, but Skurge still knocks> Beat it or I'll call the brute squad!

Fezzik: I'm on the brute squad.

Max: You are the brute squad!

Skurge: We need a miracle. It's very important.

Max: Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone Deer’s stinking son fired. I might kill whoever you want to make the miracle.

Skurge: He's already dead.

Max: He is, eh? I'll have a look. Bring him in. <They enter and Max examines SYB.> I've seen worse.

The Amn: Sir...Sir.

Max: Huh?

Skurge: We're in a terrible rush. We have to get back to the OOWF arena for OOWF MidWeek Mayhem/OOWF Invitational Round 2 Live! From Springfield, Minnesota.

Max: Don't rush me sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?

Skurge: Sixty-five. Canadian.

Max: Sheesh! I never worked for so little; except once and that was a very noble cause.

Skurge: This is noble sir. His wife is...crippled...children on the brink of starvation...

Max: Are you a rotten liar.

Skurge: We need him to help us get back our Chimpanzees On Tricycles belts.

Max: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cramp? He probably owes you money, huh. Well, I'll ask him.

The Amn: He's dead. He can't talk.

Max: Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth. <He inserts the bellows> Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.

Skurge: What's that?

Max: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

Skurge: Good luck with that, he’s a Joo.

<Max pumps air into SYB and yells at him> Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for? <Max pushes on SYB's chest>

SYB: <barely audible> Chimp... belts...

Skurge: <excited> Chimp belts! You heard him! You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.

Max: Sonny, chimp belts are the greatest thing in the world; except for a nice MLT - Mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich - when the Mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato's ripe. They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, "Steve Jeltz." And as we all know, Steve Jeltz was a shitty Phillies player. So, he probably grew up a Mets fan and he had some 80s flashback…

Old woman: <interrupting> Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr!

Max: Get back, witch!

Old woman: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.

Max: You never had it so good. <Max smiles at Skurge and The Amnesiac>

Valerie: <Max's wife> True love, who said true love, Max?

Max: Don't say another word, Valerie... <Skurge and The Amnesiac look on in disbelief>

The Amn: I swear I’ve seen this before.

Fezzik: Me too.

Valerie: You're afraid. Ever since Moose fired him, his confidence has shattered.

Max: <yelling> Why'd you say that name?! You promised me that you would never say that name!

Valerie: What, Moose?!

Max: <cringes> Ahh!!

Valerie: Moose!

Max: Ahh!!

<Valerie is chasing Max around the room yelling. Max is covering his ears>

Valerie: Moose!

Max: Ahh!!

Valerie: Moose!

Max: Ahh!!

Valerie: <now in a sing-songy voice> Moose....Moose! Moose! Moose! Moose!

Max: I'm not listening!

Valerie: Chimp belts, life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!

Max: Nobody's hearing nothing!

Valerie: Moose! <She continues to yell “Moose”>

Skurge: <interrupting> This is the third member of IHOP. If you heal him, he will stop Moose’s reign of terror in the OOWF.

Max: <to Valerie> Shut up!

Skurge: Thank you. Thank you.

Max: Wait, wait. I make him better, Moose suffers?

Skurge: Humiliations galore!

Max: Ha ha!! That is a noble cause! Give me the sixty-five! I'm on the job!

<Max, with help from Valerie, concocts a pill for SYB.>

Skurge: That's a miracle pill?

Valerie: The gold coating makes it go down easier for a Joo. But, you have to wait fifteen minutes before potency. And, he shouldn't go swimming after for at least...

Max: <jumping in> An hour!

Valerie: An hour.

Max: ...A good hour.....Here. <gives Skurge the pill>

Skurge: <leaving> Thank you for everything.

Max: Okay! <Skurge, The Amnesiac, and Fezzik leave>

Valerie: Bye bye, boys!

Max: Have fun storming the OOWF!

Valerie: <to Max> Think it will work?

Max: It would take a miracle. How the fuck did HE ever become a wrestler anyway?

Max and Valerie: <waving> B-bye!

*FADE*

[Tommy]

*Davin Moreland is STANDING~! in the Hallway of Random Encounters (a.k.a. NOT Matte's Hallway), and sees Moosehead Jack returning from the Stairwell of Horrible Violence. He's covered in blood and has a sick grin on his face. However, Davin steps him his way*

MHJ: Move.

DM: Wait.

MHJ: What?

DM: *tosses Moose his IPod, complete with the most recent promo on OOWF-TV - Now Available on ITunes.* Apparently, they take Moosehead Jack for a joke, and ignore Moosehead Jack's warnings.

MHJ: *turns purple* When was this?

DM: Few minutes ago. Keep it.

*They tearwrist fistbump, and Davin heads back for the Suites. Moose continues to replay the last Princess Bride ripoff promo, and it seriously looks like he's going to stroke out*

*fade*

[Road Warrior Shark]

***OOC*** Exalts to OBJ Solly

[The Jewish Cunthead]

*OOC* Well done OBJ

[DevSop]

*Ric Flair’s Sandwich Shop*

The ninja camera turns on and we see a glaring Alexander Darling. We can’t tell what he is glaring at yet because Olympic Gold Medalist Shawn Johnson is trying to get his attention. She waves her hands in front of his face trying to distract him, but it doesn’t seem to be working at all.

OGM SJ: Alex…Alexander, come on. Talk to me. Just ignore him. Let’s have a nice lunch.

Alexander: …

OGM SJ: I know you’re upset about losing to Skurge.

Alexander: You think I give two thoughts to Skurge. I lost. Whatever. Big Deal. He’s not my concern right now.

OGM SJ: Then what’s got you so worked up.

Alexander: You’re not that slow Shawn. I know you better than that. We both know it’s about him.

Alexander points across the room and finally we see that Eric O’Mac is also enjoying his lunch at the moment. He’s clearly smirking as he bites into his sandwich and you can tell that Alex is getting more and more annoyed.

Look at him. Just eating his fucking sandwich like I’m not even here. Like I’m not even capable of jumping over this table and beating him senseless. This is exactly my point Shawn. Eric has no motivation. No want to further himself and yet he thinks he’s earned a certain level here. He’s earned nothing except for me spilling his blood.

OGM SJ: Alex, don’t do it. You know Rick would have your ass over the coals for an unprovoked attack. Besides, on Wednesday, you’ll get him and the other flamer in the ring together. Two queers with one sledgehammer; as the old saying goes.

Just as Alexander is about to turn and look at Shawn, we see Eric O’Mac raise his head from eating his sandwich. He wipes his mouth with a napkin and then he lowers his Oakley sunglasses. He looks right at Alexander and the two stare each other down for what seems like an eternity and then Eric winks at Alex. And that’s more than enough to set Darling off as he quickly gets to his feet and his chair goes flying back into The Amnesiac who crashes to the floor.

Eric: First, HA! Second, whatcha waiting for Alex? You want some, come get some.

Alexander hops over his table just as Eric slides his table out of the way. Darling is still charging and he doesn’t realize that Eric has kept one hand behind his back this entire time. Just as Alex is almost on top of Eric, O’Mac’s hand comes shooting out from behind and he slams Alex on the side of the head with a bottle of beer. This is clearly Alexander’s own fault as it should have been obvious since Eric does not drink.

Alex falls to the floor as blood starts pouring from the side of his head and Eric leans down to pick him up. He lifts him up and looks him in the eye.

Eric: You may think I’m not motivated enough, but you’re mistaken Alex. This thing between us has been a long time coming. And I will see it through 'til the end. Your end.

And with that Eric attempts to whip Alexander into the wall of the shop, but Alexander puts the breaks on just before he slams into the wall. Eric goes to follow him, but Alex surprises him and lashes out with a back kick right to Eric’s gut. That doubles him over and then Darling grabs a hold Eric by the back of the neck and he slams him head first into the wall.

Alexander doesn’t let go as he picks Eric up from behind and tosses him over the sandwich counter.

Ric Flair: WATCH IT FATBOY!!! WHOOOOOOO. Hey Alan…

Alan: Ixnay on the Alansay Ricsay.

RF: WHOOO. Whatever you say FATBOY. Get Johnny on the phone.

Alexander ignores the debate between Flair and someone who is clearly not AA. As he jumps over the counter Eric surprises him by smashing him over the head with a bag of bread. Alex is stunned, but as he starts to shake it off Eric grabs him around the throat and slams him down on the counter. Alex kicks him away hard though and Eric almost staggers back and he almost falls right onto the hot grill.

Alex leaps off the counter and looks like he wants to slam Eric onto the grill, but Eric twists away and in doing so Eric slips on a wet spot of the floor and he twists his ankle. Alexander doesn’t care though as he shoots out with a thrust kick to the top of Eric’s head as he bent over to check on his ankle. Alex looks around the shop and he finds a cooking tray and he picks it up. He takes it and smashes Eric right in the face sending him staggering back up against the wall. Darling doesn’t relent as he follows Eric in and throws a few jabs and that opens up a cut on Eric’s forehead. One big knee to the stomach follows and Eric is doubled over. This lets Alex lift him up…CRUCIFIX POWERBOMB right into a bunch of wooden pallets.

Finally security arrives and pulls Alex away from Eric. OGM SJ is there as well and Alexander’s blood loss finally gets to him and he staggers a little bit. Shawn puts her arms around Alex and begins to lead him away from the scene. Alexander doesn’t look good as his eyes sort of look like they’re about to roll back in his head. Shawn is trying to get Alex to stay with her.

OGM SJ: Come on Alex. Stay with me, we’re almost back to the suites and Sam can give you the good stuff. Don’t pass out on me.

As they’re walking they pass by the Dunkin’ Donuts Hospitality Tent where Curt Schilling is sitting on his laptop posting about how much of an asshole Alex Rodriguez is on the “Sons of Sam Horn” message board.

CTGGS: Hey Olympic Gold Medalist Shawn Johnson, it looks like you could use a hand getting Alex there back to the Run DEA Luxury Suites sponsored by Aquafina and Starwood Hotels.

OGM SJ: That would be great Curt. Coming from another great American like you, how could I say no?

Just as Curt is about to get off his fat ass and help Alexander and Shawn go crashing through the tent.

OGM SJ: *OW*

Eric O’Mac is getting to his feet as well after tackling Darling and Shawn through the tent. Curt “The Golden God” Schilling is screaming as well.

CTGGS: MY ANKLE...MY FUCKING ANKLE..IT’S REALLY HURT THIS TIME.

Eric is on top of Alex and he’s throwing lefts and rights and Alexander is trying to cover up as best as he can until security catches up and pulls Eric off of Alex. EOM has a far off look in his eye as he pushes the security guards away. It looks like he’s lining Alex up for something, but then his eyes turn towards Olympic Gold Medalist Shawn Johnson and he smiles. Shawn is just realizing where she is and as she starts to get up, Eric charges at her, but at the last second he slips on something and skids past Shawn. Eric turns around to find out what the fuck…

Eric: Why is there so much fucking ketchup on the ground? God damn it Curt, stitch your fucking ankle up. It’s time I end this.

Alexander is getting to his feet now and sees Eric. He tries to shake the cobwebs out and attack again when even more security shows up. They attack like ninjas at first, the one at a time method, and this allows Eric to plant the first one with THE SMACKDOWN. Alex does the same to the first one and kills him dead with a DARLING DRIVER. Security finally realizes this method is dumb and everyone gets in between the two guys. They keep them apart long enough for things to cool down. Finally Shawn gets up as well and security personnel help Alex and Shawn back to the Run DEA suites, while Eric continues to glare at Alex. Just before Alex turns the last corner, he looks back over his shoulder and there is one last stare down between the two. It is obvious this situation is far from over.

[Outback Frito Pendejo]

OOC: Exalts for Solly and Sop

[Riot Act]

***OOC***

Awesome job this week, Fire.

So, has anyone called dibs on incorporating the Jericho incident into OOWF TV? Just asking...

[Angle]

OOC: Damn, beat me to it.

To me, it'd make the most sense for Fire to do it since Jericho's her OOWF boyfriend.

[Riot Act]

***OOC***

Yes, but Tyson Kincaid is the only person to ever wrestle Jericho in an OOWF ring.

[Concrete TG]

**OOC**

Deferring to Fire on the Jericho incident - Y2J and Crete were friends at one time.....

[Fire-Babe]

As predicted, in a dark, secluded, isolated portion of the OOWF Arena, Firewoman is looking for some much needed alone time, as the RunDEA Suites by Aquafina and Starwood Hotels are just too damn crowded. However, she can't get far, as her new Spring Treo phone, to replace the one she threw and broke, rings. The ninja cams join the conversation in progress.

FW: ....No, Alexis, that's not the point. Just keep your paws off.......No, I'm not jealous, just.....Fine.

She hangs up, and momentarily looks like she'd like to throw this one, but has a rare moment of clarity, and decides instead to merely turn it off and put it in her pocket. She grabs her pack of smokes, and starts to light one up, when a voice comes from the shadows.

TK: Don't think that's allowed in here.

Tyson Kincaid steps out of the shadows, grinning like the cat the swallowed the canary. Firewoman glares at him, and carries on with what she's doing.

FW: Like that ever stopped you. At least these are legal.

TK: Yeah, but they'll kill you.

FW: Uh huh...they're not the only thing down here, that'll do that...oh wait, yes they are. She smiles smugly at Tyson.

TK: Relax, I'm not here to continue our feud. In fact...wow, I'm not even sure how it started....Remember when--

FW: Okay, just stop right there. One, yes I do remember then, and probably better than you. Two, a lot has happened since then, some that can't be taken back.

TK: But some can.

FW: [Taking a drag] It doesn't matter.

TK: No, I guess it doesn't.

FW: Okay, run along, Smalltown. Moose is probably beside himself with worry.

TK: I will, but I just wanted to, you know, see how you're doing. I mean the news is all over--

His words say 'concern,' but his facial expression says he's going to enjoy needling the hell out of Firewoman over this.

FW: What news?

TK: Oh, don't pull that. Don't pretend you don't know...

FW: Yeah, I do know, and it's none of your business.

TK: I mean really, what was he thinking?

FW: He was, I'm sure, thinking, "Wow, what will Tyson think of me." I'm sure that was his first thought.

TK: I'm trying to be nice...

FW: No you aren't. You're trying to be dick. And succeeding. Now leave me alone.

TK: Or else, right? Isn't this where you threaten me?

FW: No, this is where I promise you that if you do NOT get out of my face right now, you will wish you had.

TK: Huh....you know, I always figured Jericho helped you with your... oh, what did he and Lance call them? "Anger issues?" After this latest incident, maybe he was the cause of them after all. [Firewoman tenses, as Tyson is clearly getting under her skin]. Not some deep dark disturbing childhood memory, although you do play that card very well, if it'll get you sympathy. No, maybe Jericho is just as pathetic a hot head as--

He can't finish the sentence because with lightning speed Firewoman fires a right punch that lands straight on Tyson's mouth. She splits his lip (saving the teeth), and a trickle of blood starts flowing. Tyson wipes his mouth with his hand, and grins.

TK: Yeah, I thought that'd do it.

Tyson makes a lunge, but he forgets about the lit cigarrette in Firewoman's other hand, which she plants on the left side of his face. Tyson rears back in pain, giving Fire another opening, and she takes it, planting a kick to his ribs. He doubles over, and Fire starts to gloat, but she really shouldn't have, because Tyson rushes her, and spears her backwards. She hits the wall and grabs her still-sore ribs. Tyson steps back and then the two really start going at it, as predicted, and fairly evenly too. Time passes, and Tyson shoves Firewoman backwards. He's against the wall now, and Fire starts to smile, but then as her momentum carries her backwards, she bumps into something. She turns and looks up, and sees Tytan looking down at her.

FW: Tytan.

T: Fire.

She goes to make her move, what with being outnumbered and cornered and all, and lands a punch to Tytan's solar plexus. This knocks the wind out of him, but it's only temporary. He recovers, and grabs her, gets her flipped over into the Corporate Red Tape, placing his knee on her ribs, rather than her head. Firewoman struggles to get out of it.

T: This is for Biggs! Your yakuza buddies put him in the hospital.

Firewoman continues to struggle, but she's starting to fade.

TK: Okay, Tytan, that's enough...... [Tytan doesn't hear, or doesn't care, and keeps the pressure on]......Tytan....I said....that's ENOUGH.

Tyson pushes Tytan back. Firewoman's legs fall to the ground with a thud, and she lays there motionless.

T: What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you wanted to end her career!

Tyson looks conflicted for a minute.

TK: I do. But .... but I wanna do it, and not in some back hallway of an arena.....right out in the ring for all to see.

Tytan nods as this computes.. It takes a while, but he gets it eventually.

T: Good idea....okay, let's go.

TK: What....and just leave her here?

T: Yeah...someone will be watching OOWF and find her. If not, who cares.

TK: Yeah.

They leave the area, and the ninja cam focuses in on Firewoman before fading to...well, not to get help or anything. Jerky ninja cams!

[OOC: Okay, you guys can have a field day with Jericho now Thanks for letting me start it ]

[Tommy]

*A Still Ninja-Cam shows Davin Moreland SPRINTING~! from the Run DEA Locker Room and Suites, presented by Aquafina and Starwood Hotels he continues full-speed down Matte's Hallway...*

DM: *Running Past* Hey Matte...

M: Davin.

*He continues running, and bangs a left heading toward the loading dock. He spots Tytan and Tyson Kincaid walking quickly in his direction. Davin leaps and DRILLS Tytan in the head with his TRUSTY REBAR! Tytan stumbles against the wall. Tyson, still kind of standing there in shock, EATS TRUSTY REBAR TO THE GRILL! Kick! Wham! REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER ON THE CEMENT FLOOR! Davin kicks Tyson in the head once for good measure. Tytan is back up, and he tussles with Davin for a second; but Davin gets his arm free and DRILLS Tytan in the Forehead, the Nose and the throat! Kick! Wham! REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER ON THE CEMENT FLOOR! Davin jogs to the loading dock, where he sees Firewoman*

DM: Hey...Lis...

FW: *non-descript quiet moaning*

DM: *thinks for a second and hoists Firewoman over his shoulder* You are going to HATE me for this when you wake up.

*Davin jogs back toward the Suites, passing the carnage, and passing Matte in the hallway, acknowledging him. Phantos has a very alarmed look on his face as he greets Davin at the door*

[Jack Quinn]

<Davin leaves the DEA suites with trusty rebar in hand and appears to be in a hurry looking for something or someone. As he rounds a corner and heads down one of the OOWF's patented darkened hallways, Moose steps out in front of him>

DM: Moose, I really don't have time......

<Moose just shakes his head slowly>

DM: What?

MHJ: You really shouldn't have

<Davin senses something is up, and spins around and Seamus and Poe are right there. Davin catches Seamus with an elbow to the face, then ducks a clothesline from Poe and catches him on the ankle with a shot from the rebar. Poe drops to one knee, but Moose tosses Seamus his shillelagh and Seamus DRILLS Davin in the ribs with it dropping him to his knees. Poe and Seamus fall on Davin and hammer him with kicks and punches. Tytan and Tyson stagger down the hall and they get their shots in as well. The whole time Moose is standing there watching the beat down, not moving an inch.

Poe grabs Davin by the throat and lifts him off the ground, though with the bum ankle, I am sure its not as high as he wants, and DRIVES Moreland to the cement with a chokeslam. The others get a few more shots in, then leave. Moose remains there for a moment, then turns and joins the rest heading back to the locker room>

[hescoming]

[theRick's in his office and seems to be in, for what makes a change, a good mood. He's got a coffee on the go and is opening the mail. He comes across a package containing a couple of letters and 2 DVDs]

Dear theRick,

Please find enclosed the confirmation you asked for, both of my mental state as shown from the first disk with some of my sessions with my shrink and the accompanying letter, and the second disc showing some of my work on the Indy scene.

Please not I've sent duplicate copies of all this to our mutual friend. Now I know that the final decision of letting me back in the OOWF is yours and yours alone, and I'm sure after viewing the material everything will be fine, but I just wanted to make sure.

See you in a couple of days,

T

tR: damn . . . I thought this asshole would bother

[theRick takes the first disc over to the player in his office and pours himself a whisky on the way back. He sits down with the remote in one hand, whisky in the other and his feet up on his desk]

tR: right then, what have we got . . .

[the DVD spins up and we see a shot from a locked off camera looking over the shoulder of one of the men in the room, directly at a man who looks an absolute spitting image of Niles Crane]
Niles: so let me get this straight, you want me to certify that you're sane enough to go back to compete in this OOWF
Patient: exactly
NC: can you tell me more about it
P: well, it's the height of competition, unless you wanna work for those monkeys up North anyway
NC: but aren't people from their hospitalised almost every week
P: I wouldn't go that far but yes, it does happen from time to time
NC: and you want to go back
P: well, it does only happen to those who can't take care of themselves
NC: really . . . and, from what I understand the contests in the OOWF often stray far from what we might think of as normal wrestling? I've seen reports of barbed wire being used in matches, fire, thumbtacks, tables, ladders and chairs, oh my!
P: some people might sink to those levels yes
NC: but you don't?
P: well, I have been known to lose it in the past once or twice
NC: it says here you broke a mans leg in the ring, deliberately!
P: well, yes, but if you double check that report you'll see that I didn't use a weapon
NC: does that make it any better??
P: swell at least it wasn't cheating
NC: hmmmmmm, but you say you did lost it once or twice
P: yes, I think the pressure of the competition was getting to me. I'd been voted wrestler of the year by my colleagues, won several titles and so basically had a target on my back 24/7 . . . I think I should have spotted it sooner but I cracked
NC: and that's when you cracked and assaulted you boss, this man The Rick
P: not quite, but it was close. A friend stopped me and advised against it
NC: and you took the advice
P: I think it brought me back down. My contract was suspended that day and I left
NC: where did you go? What did you do?
P: well, to be honest I didn't do anything for about a week. The company had already paid for the room so I spent a week there running up the bill in the minibar and trying to get to grips with the riff from AD/DC's Thunderstruck with almost no success, which I think was largely down to the booze, and then I thought fuck it! I got into this business because I was a damn good fighter, I didn't need weapons or gimmicks. I thought it was time to get back to basics
NC: and . . .
P: I headed down to Brasil to visit the Gracie family and learn a little bit of No Gi Jiu-Jitsu
NC: so your solution to your aggression issues was to get better at fighting?
P: my solution was to get better, and also to learn that control is far mor important than anger and aggression . . . I learned control
NC: and that's what you're about to show me on this DVD?
P: well I think it'll give you a good idea. Even though a lot of this stuff is back-yard type indyriffic stuff, I don't lose my cool . . . this is quality, calm, calculated ass kicking of the highest order
NC: well I do hope so, I could do with watching a decent fight . . . all I can get at the moment is TNA!

[The DVD ends leaving theRick open mouthed staring at the second DVD and wondering what he's about to watch]