[DrMcAwesome]

OOWF Saturday Slam – Sept. 9, 2023
OOWF Arena – Asheville, North Carolina

• Jack Quinn chooses the stipulations for his match against Pete Quick at Hell on Earth

• OOWF World Championship match: Lexie Darling (c) vs. Kylie Mignolio

• OOWF Intercontinental Championship match: Awesome Bill from Dawsonville (c) vs. Angie Delpetro

• OOWF No. 1 Contender match: Lindsay McAllister vs. Alexander Darling

• OOWF Tag Team Championship: The Woodsmen (c) vs. Zed and Sean Franklin

• War Pigs vs. Mr. Nigel and Mr. Liam

• Mac Flasher vs. Pete Quick vs. Beverly Cambridge

• Sandra Fallon vs. Nuke, with Annie Horvath

• Bridget O’Malley vs. Ona Jones

• Jeff Mangyuniku and Rory Thomas vs. The One-Notes

Card subject to everyone staying hydrated. 

[L!zz~]

(The next aternoon we fade into the compounds main living area. Beverly is seen with her foot and ankle heavily wrapped, with it propped up on an ottoman. Zed passes by handing her a fresh ice pack before taking his seat. Kylie looks around the room, present are all the occupants plus Lexie and Lindsay)

Kylie glanced at her notes, "Alright, so I am pleased to announce that Jeff, Spencer and Ashley have all signed long term housing agreements. These agreements allow them to retain their quarters here for the duration of their life, not just their career in OOWF. If they leave the area for any reason, they may sublet upon approval but their quarters are forever theirs. I am so happy that they agreed. It wouldn't feel right with out them. "

Spencer smiled, "well, we've really grown to enjoy it here. and I speak for Ash in saying that with our expanded jobs here we really feel part of the family and business." Ash and Jeff nodded, as Jeff spoke up " I am glad for all the support. Even when I make dumb mistakes." Bridget leaned over and patted his hand, "We all make mistakes when we think we know best."She said wisely. Jeff relaxed a little. They knew about his blunder with Shiz and had helped him see the light on a few things. Jeff was learning there were other types of family. That was the whole point of the newly renamed ZeBevBriKy compound.

Everyone was quiet for a moment before Beverly spoke up, "With Ashley overseeing the yet to be named sports bar and all that entails, and Spencer taking on the Assistant General Manager role, it allows the rest of us to put some more focus into our wrestling careers. So this only leaves one topic." Everyone turned to Zed as he sighed and rose. He had a lot to say and they weren't going to like some of it.

Lexie spoke up, with her foot moving the bag that held her beloved title closer to her body, pinning it against her leg, her hand reaching down to hold the strap, "Should Linds and I be here for this part? We love Josie but we don't want to step on toes." Zed looked at her. "No, stay, We all are involved with her and we all need to hear somethings." Lexie sat back, but brought the bag into her lap, tucking it next to her, with her arm thru the strap. Beverly noticed and arched her eyebrow a bit, but Lexie just stared back at her. 

Zed looked at Jeff, and Jeff moved over to a table and pressed a button for a screen to appear. Zed came prepared. Slides and all.

(We fade as the women sat up a little straighter.)

[Fire-Babe]

Meanwhile....A video plays of a younger Firewoman setting Johnny Adrenaline's shirt on fire. The flames are doused before any serious injury happens, barely any first-degree burns.

Nuke: So?

FW: SO, that is why we have the "No Fire" rule.

Nuke: I didn't even --

FW: I don't care. The rule was established and now it's a thing. A stupid thing, but still a thing.

Annie: Things just got out of hand....

Nuke: Shut up. So fine, I won't do it again.

FW: Fine...now THAT'S a great idea. If you review the employee manual, you will see what the fine is for a first violation of a level three infraction is--

Nuke: LEVEL THREE?

FW: Or I can just fire you right now for breach of contract, since the contract says you'll abide by all--

Annie: He'll pay... right, Nuke?

N: ....

FW: He can pay or his daddy can pay, whatever. You have 10 days.

Nuke starts to respond, but Annie interrupts.

Annie: Knock it off, Nuke.... Ms...um... Firewoman, we'll get that done. And I'm sure I am speaking for Nuke when I say how DEEPLY sorry we are that things got out of hand.

Nuke: You are not speaking for me.  So, Happy Deth Bat is okay?

FW: ...Ironically, yes.

Nuke throws up his hands and storms out. Annie goes to follow him.

FW: Annie, wait.

Annie turns around.

FW: Thanks for the note.

Annie: *smiling* Glad you're back.

[DrMcAwesome]

*the scene and INVISIBLE NINJA CAMERA find HUNTER and DAKOTA, THE WOODSMEN, standing in front of the old school OOWF interview banner with DAKOTA holding a bag filled with … something*

HUNTER: “With Dakota and I serving as OOWF’s foremost authorities at warding off predators and challenges to our tag-team championships, it has come to our attention that some fans bring their children to live wrestling shows. While we, The Woodsmen …”

*DAKOTA drops the bag and pulls out his alphorn kazoo to play the familiar fanfare as HUNTER places his hand across his brow with DAKOTA stepping on an imaginary rock*

H: “… As I was saying. While we, The Woodsmen, appreciate fans of all ages, our fear is always that OOWF Arena could be attacked by numerous wild predators. That is why we, The Woodsmen …”

*DAKOTA drops the bag again and pulls out his alphorn kazoo to play the familiar fanfare as HUNTER places his hand across his brow with DAKOTA stepping on an imaginary rock*

H: “… Have authorized the only line of defense that your children will need when in OOWF Arena.”

*DAKOTA reaches into the bag to pull out what is clearly the short-lived Hulk Hogan War Bonnet, only painted in forest green*

H: “We call these The Bullificators! And they will protect your children from all sorts of woodland threats.”

DAKOTA: “BULLY FOR PROTECTION!”

H: “These expertly crafted helmets feature a giant fist, so that your children can walk up to even the biggest grizzly and give it what for.”

D: “BULLY FOR WHAT FOR!”

*during DAKOTA’s exclamation, PORK walks on set dressed as a large woodland cat, though the costume is bursting at the seams to keep PORK contained*

H: “Egads! An obese midwestern puma!”

PORK: “Hey! … I mean … roaaaaaar.”

D: “Away with you, foul beast!”

*DAKOTA runs full force, leading with the helmet into PORK, causing PORK to stumble backward before he gently “falls” to the ground*

H: “Excellent work, Dakota! You have vanquished this portly predator!”

P: “Guys, I can still hear you and this is quickly becoming not worth the $20 you promised.”

H: “Parents, as always, trust The Woodsmen and get your kids The Bullificator today for the low price of $179.99 at OOWFShop dot com.”

D: “BULLY TO COMMERCE!”

*PORK gets up and walks off while HUNTER and DAKOTA show The Bullificator to the camera as the scene fades*

[DrMcAwesome]

*the scene and INVISIBLE NINJA CAMERA find MAC FLASHER emerging from the bedroom of his apartment after a long nap with bandages on his forehead, but no visible burns as SANDRA FALLON is on his couch, playing “Animal Crossing.” MAC looks for a second to see that SANDRA is using MAC’s villager on the island that MAC has built in the three-plus years that he’s played the game, causing a bit of anxiety to take over MAC’s mood*

MAC: “Is that … My island.”

SANDRA: “If you want to claim the mess that it became, then it’s your island, brah. I’ve spent the past three hours just pulling weeds and reorganizing your plants. Why didn’t you ever tell me that this game was so chill?”

MF: “Just tell me that you didn’t let any villagers leave. It took me forever to get 10 animals on my island that I like.”

SF: “Not to worry, dude. Some are a little jammed at you because you hadn’t played this game since May, but nobody left. Plus I think Coach, Tutu and Tipper are adorable.”

MF: “I’m partial to Tangy, Drake and Bluebear myself, but I love all of my villagers equally. Even Hazel, who can get on my nerves at times.”

SF: “Is that the red squirrel? I dig her. Kind of reminds me of me.”

MF: “I just said that she annoys me and you then compare her to you … Well this is awkward. I’m going to make something to eat. Hungry?”

SF: “Naw. I’m good. Good to see you up and moving though. Medical wants me to report on you.”

MF: “So you’re the unpaid snitch.”

SF: “I prefer caretaker, plus I’m sure you like the attention.”

MF: “Is that the microwave I hear?”

*MAC heads into the kitchen/dinette area*

SF: “Oh come on, Mac. You didn’t even put food in it!”

*SANDRA continues sprucing up MAC’s island on the game when she approaches the mailbox outside of his avatar’s residence. Sandra checks the messages and sees one from BRIDGET O’MALLEY, who apparently also has a Nintendo Switch and “Animal Crossing.” The feed cuts to show the message on the screen along with SANDRA silently reading the message. Let’s just pretend that “Animal Crossing” allows more than whatever the tiny character limit actually is that I’m too lazy to check even though my Switch is within an arm’s reach of my keyboard*

BRIDGET’S NOTE: “Mac. I’m not sure what is going on with you, but I’m hoping that you see this message as it’s the only way I can seemingly contact you. I don’t know what spell Sandra has on you, but she’ll only leave you like all the rest. When you need her the most, she’ll show her true colors. She comes off as being this innocent and chill person, but those are the types that have burned you the most in your life. I’m the only one that hasn’t burned you. You burned me. I deserve this second chance before you give anyone else a first chance. Please respond.”

*SANDRA closes the message, saves the game and sighs deeply, fighting back a few tears as the scene fades*

[Zed]

Zed is about to begin a training session with Sean Franklin when Rev. BRICK~! barges in.

B~!: Quick question, Zed. How many t-shirts?

Z: Excuse me?

B~!: How many t-shirts?!

Z: To get to the center of the Tootsie Pop? 

B~!: How many Zed Grand Slam t-shirts are we going to sell after you beat The Woodsmen?

Z: Oh, I hate it.

B~!: Why?!?! Don't pretend you haven't been dying to join the club?

Z: I mean, sure, but can we win the match first? Also, emphasis on the we? Why would we just make a shirt about me?

B~!: Because Sean's not the one on the verge of a Grand Slam!

SF: What are you trying to say, Reverend?

B~!: I'm just saying you're not there yet. You'll definitely get there! Maybe even by this time next year! You're SOOOO good!

Z: Look, don't pay this goofball any mind, alright, Sean? He's just trying to make a quick buck.

B~!: You can't hide from your destiny, Zed!

Z: Alright, bud.

Zed and Sean walk away and the camera focuses on Rev. BRICK~!

B~!: I guess we'll start with a limited run of 200,000.

FADE.

[L!zz~]

(Beverly is alone in her office as she watches back the last part of the meeting)

(Zed had finished the PowerPoint presentation of both the business model for JoPus Creations and the yet to be titled animated wrestling federation before he spoke)

"What you're all missing is that Josephine and the rest of the kids have really put a lot of time and research into these endeavors. They are taking them very seriously. Even if she drops one or both of in six months, who cares. She is 11. She is figuring out what she likes and some of you.,.." he paused and turned to Beverly, Kylie and Bridget "seem hellbent on stifling most of her creativity. The 3 of you are s afraid something might happen to her that unless it's something you understand you want her in this bubble. That isn't fair to her. I know what Josie has been thru. What happened when she first joined us with Kylie. We than ran off..for years. Traveling." He paused choosing his words since they had others there who didn't fully know the extent of where they've been and what they've done. "Josie is not your average 11 year old but you all want her to be. I know you feel I give in to her too much but that is not true, I set ground rules and try to guide her. I support her dreams like you're suppose to do with a child. If I hadn't asked her to make me gear would you actually have supported this? These aren't whims. They are well thought out and planned endeavors. I've seen the first episode. Some of the parents from AEW and I heavily screen everything they write. You have to loosen up before she resents all of you. If you make her stop either of these she will. You need to put more trust in me and her. I've known everything about both operations. You know I'd never let her do anything she shouldn't. "

Everyone was quiet before Kylie spoke up, "I just have one question.." Zed nodded for her to continue. Kylie went on. "Why is Alexander Darling her "assistant"? How on earth did he get involved. I was almost expecting him to be here. " At that Lexie sat up straighter, tightening her grip on the bag with her precious championship in it. Only Jeff noticed and filed it away for thought.

Zed sighed at the question. "I knew about that as well. Josie and I were at the grill discussing her business plan. I excused myself for a moment to use the rest room, knowing she was fine at the table since..well actually since Alex was at the next table. I took longer than expected since I was waylaid by the Woodsmen and when I finally got back to the table Alex was sitting at helping her negotiate a deal for aprons from the Grille manager. They asked who to contact and Alex said him as her assistant. We spoke and it really isn't a bad idea. Helps people know it isn't a joke. It's mostly done over email and as much as no one wants to hear this, it gave her support and acknowledgement she isn't necessarily getting from certain people. He's been decent about this all and gave her good advice. I won't stop it. None of it."

Kylie nodded, clearly doing some thinking. But it was Beverly who spoke up. "Kylie is her legal guardian and really has the final say. I think she and Zed should speak more about this privately. We all clearly need to think about how we've been supporting Josie but.." She looked at Zed.."You're right. About it all. I know I can be the strictest and often look at some of this as Josie just trying to entertain herself and I should be more involved and interested . These reports are amazing and alot of the credit goes to you. I believe..I know...you love her. You wouldn't let anything happen to her and you're guiding her thru a lot. She couldn't ask for a better Tio. You both have my support."

It was quiet as the two looked at each other. Bridget nudged Kylie, arching an eyebrow but Kylie gave her a look that said not now


(Beverly turned off the recap as Zed turned away to answer a question from Spencer)

Fade

[DevSop]

We fade in on a moderately very nice house in the Blue Ridge Mountains and specifically on a pool in the backyard of the house. Alexis Darling is lounging on a chair getting in the last moments of summer with the OOWF World Title next to her. She looks down at the title before picking it up and clutching it close to her chest before putting it down when she realizes a camera has finally found her. She sighs and nods as a camera drops out of the sky and into her hand.

Lexie: Yes, I've been quiet. Yes, I tried to find a place for myself away from the crazy. Yes, this title next to me has meant more than I could have imagined. Now, I could make excuses for where I've been. The schedule of public appearances and autograph signings and media obligations but none of you want to hear about how hard my life is because your lives are just as hard. And I get that. Maybe not always, but sometimes. But I will say that coming back to the OOWF was both the easiest and hardest decision I've ever made.

Easy...because this is home. It has always been home since we.....I started in this business. Ring of Honor and Japan and all the independents were necessary and important, but the OOWF is where home became. It's where I brought my sisters. It's where one found love and family. It's where another found meaning and stability. It's where I found everything.

Hard...because it also was where I was at times the worst version of myself. And I accept that you can't always be good in this business, but it doesn't mean you enjoy what it makes you. So that made it hard, but more than that, it was this company that broke the biggest relationships in my life. I'm not going to get into the details, but there are people in my life, then and now, that I don't know if things will ever be the same and I take my part in the blame of that.

Now that The Days of My Life are discussed for now, let's discuss what truly matters. Saturday Slam and then Hell on Earth. I was close when I saw what this title did to the person who held it and those who chased it. Now I am the one holding it and being chased. By friends. By allies. By enemies. And being gatekept by my brother. None of which I wanted, but all of which I accept because I know what this championship means...not just to me, but to everyone.

It is a validation that you've reached a pinnacle. It is validation for all the days that you've sweat, that you've bled, that you've given everything else up for....that it all means something. I know I won't go down in history as the best OOWF World Champion, but I will go down in history as THE First Champion who was here for the second life of a place I call home.

Now whether it's Kylie or Bridget or Beverly or Rory or Alexander or Lindsay or anyone else, I will always defend this title with everything I am because it means so much to me. I will always leave it all in the ring and win or lose I know I have earned it. I am Alexis Darling, and I am OOWF World Champion, and well for now...no one else is.

[DrMcAwesome]

*the scene and INVISIBLE NINJA CAMERA find HUNTER and DAKOTA, THE WOODSMEN, deep in an unnamed North Carolina forest as DAKOTA appears to be building something*

HUNTER: “While out trusty and beloved Tapout Tent met its untimely end during the most recent episode of ‘Saturday Slam,’ Dakota and I, The Woodsmen …”

*DAKOTA pauses and pulls out his alphorn kazoo to play the familiar fanfare  as HUNTER places his hand across his brow with DAKOTA stepping on an imaginary rock before DAKOTA resumes construction of the unknown structure*

H: “… We are resourceful, especially when it comes to holding on to what belongs to us, and that is the OOWF World Tag-Team Championship titles. This is why Dakota and I have been constructing …”

*the INVISIBLE NINJA CAMERA goes wide to reveal a surprisingly well-constructed log cabin*

H: “ … The Pain Cabin. Much like our beloved and fallen Tapout Tent, the Pain Cabin will be the last place that an opponent of The Woodsmen will want to find themselves in. While we will not show you the inside, as not to reveal our decided schematic advantages within the Pain Cabin, be it known Mr. Zed and Mr. Franklin that you will not enjoy the stay in this quaint and cozy cabin that can be taken apart and rebuilt in mere seconds.”

DAKOTA: “BULLY TO THE PAIN CABIN!”

H: “BULLY, indeed.”

*HUNTER and DAKOTA admire their work as the scene fades*

[L!zz~]

Kylie and Bridget are seen inside the ZeBevBriKy compounds training room. They are at a desk with binders put together by Josie regarding this weeks show.

"Josie makes some really insightful comments about Lexie's paranoia, but as ..."She paused looking up and over at Bridget. "Bridget. What are you doing?"

Bridget looked over startled and turned her phone over, Kylie reached for it and a brief struggle ensued but Kylie won and she looked at the screen. "Really? Bridget. You're stalking her social media?"

Her friend tossed her hair, "I need to know everything I can about her and can you believe Bev won't help? Nor Josie??"

"Because you want to know for the wrong reasons. You need to think about what you're doing or want to do."

"You know what I want!"

Kylie shook her head, putting Bridget's phone in her own bag. "No I don't and I don't think you do either. Right now we need to focus before you lose to someone way beneath your level. You want that?"

Bridget scowled at her before turning back to her book.

Fade

[DrMcAwesome]

*the scene and INVISIBLE NINJA CAMERA find MAC FLASHER at his desk while his PlayStation 5 downloads ‘NBA 2K24.’ As MAC is reading through online reviews for the game that he was going to purchase anyway, his phone rings. MAC sighs and picks up the phone as the feed goes into a split-screen with BRIDGET O’MALLEY on the other half of the screen*

BRIDGET: “Mac. I need to talk to you about Sandra.”

MAC *while rolling his eyes so far to the back of his head that he might be time traveling*: “What did she do now?”

BO’M: “It’s her past, Mac. It’s what she does to men. She’s like a stoner black widow.”

MF: “And you’re acting a stoner vulture at the moment.”

BO’M: “Just listen to me for once in your damn life.”

MF: “Whatever. You have the floor. Go nuts.”

BO’M: “The next time that she’s trying to leech whatever it is she wants from you, ask her about Eduardo Gomez.”

MF: “O … K …”

BO’M: “So it turns out that in seventh grade, she told Eduardo that she like liked him. They made arrangements to go to their middle school’s fall dance, but when Eduardo and his mother arrived to pick her up, one of her triplet sisters told Eduardo that she decided to go to the dance with some kid named Garrett Fox. Absolutely broke Eduardo’s heart.”

MF: “Wait. This is your big bombshell? Someone being flaky about a dance date when they’re 12?”

BO’M: “They made out, Mac! During the final slow dance to ‘Everything’ by Michael Bublé! Right in front of poor Eduardo. All while her skank triplet sisters cheered her on!”

MF: “Bridget. Please understand the amount of ridiculousness that is emanating from you right now. I know what you’re trying to accomplish, but … I’m just not playing this game with you. If you want to be OOWF's resident private eye, wait until someone consults you for the service. Bye.”

*MAC disconnects the call as the scene cuts to a now furious BRIDGET*

BO’M: “I. Will. Show. You. MacIntosh. You. Will. APPRECIATE. ME!”

*BRIDGET places her phone on a nearby table and begins a breathing exercise before stopping halfway through and screaming anyway as the scene fades*

[DrMcAwesome]

*the scene and INVISIBLE NINJA CAMERA find MAC FLASHER, still in his office/gaming room as ‘NBA 2K24’ has finished downloading. MAC is about to explore the game when his doorbell rings. MAC puts his controller down and sees SANDRA FALLON, with lunch in hand, through the window. MAC opens the door and lets her in*

SANDRA: “Dude! Bladejob Deli somehow got cheaper! I got your usual and my usual for $15!”

MAC: “That’s great. I was thinking about getting something to eat in a second.”

SF: “Were you playing that 2K game?”

MF: “Just downloaded it. Was about to fire up a game to see how it plays.”

SF: “I got the Lakers!”

*SANDRA rushes into the gaming room, pulls a controller from MAC’s rack and connects it to the PlayStation 5*

MF: “I didn’t know you were a Lakers fan.”

SF: “Brah. I went to so many Lakers games as a kid. My dad’s company had some awesome seats for all the teams in the arena, even the Clippers.”

*MAC’s phone rings, prompting MAC to look at it and see a name that he’s not too eager to see. MAC silences the phone and puts it in his pocket*

SF: “Big Red giving you flak again?”

MF: “Big Red?”

SF: “You know. O’Malley.”

MF: “Yeah, she found some stuff about you when you were in middle school that was going to devastate me.”

SF: “Was it about the time I cried when I got an A-minus on an Algebra I test?”

MF: “No. Something about a dance where you flaked out on a kid named Eduardo.”

SF: “Wait … She’s got that all wrong. My sister Sylvia bailed on Eduardo and went with some homeschooled kid named Garrett and I stepped in because he put so much effort into the date.”

MF: “That’s not the …”

SF: “Brah, she’s trying to dig up dirt on me and wound up getting something on my sister. That’s hilarious. You’re not upset, are you?”

MF: “All I know is apparently not to trust your sister if asked to a dance.”

SF: “I’m sure Bridget was 100% loyal to all of her dance dates in school.”

MF: “Hardly. I’m sure there’s a graveyard of corsages at her parents’ place from dates that arrived, only to find that she was already on her way with another date. I broke up a few fights when dates arrived at the same time. She … Never stuck with one guy for too long.”

SF: “Was she holding out for you?”

MF: “Who knows? I rarely had dates and actually started DJing some of the dances when the school wanted to do it on the cheap. If she was holding out for me, she wasn’t paying attention.”

SF: “That’s not surprising.”

MF: “Hey!”

SF: “I meant the DJing part. That’s so very you.”

MF: “Played nothing but bangers.”

SF: “I’m sure. So, is Bridget just going to keep doing this until she gets her way.”

MF: “Probably, but I’m not really playing that game. I have my own focuses.”

SF *looking a bit more attentively at MAC*: “Like what?”

MF: “Tomorrow’s match with Pete Quick and Beverly Cambridge for starters. Plus you have that match with Nuke and I doubt that you’ll only face him.”

SF *deflating just a bit*: “Yeah … Tomorrow’s matches. Totally what I expected to hear. Hey, I’m gonna go. I … Probably need to … Well, I’m double parked.”

MF: “But you walked here.”

SF: “I gotta …”

*SANDRA takes her bag from the dinette table and heads to the door as MAC follows closely*

MF: “Sandra.”

SF: “What?”

*MAC gives SANDRA a hug and a kiss on her forehead*

MF: “Be safe out there. See you at the arena tomorrow.”

SF: “I will. See you then.”

*SANDRA exits and is beaming from ear to ear as she bounds down the steps, unseen by MAC as the scene fades*

[L!zz~]

Off air scene inside the compound: Beverly sits on her bed, fidgeting nervously. She takes a deep breath and begins talking to herself.

Beverly (whispering): "Okay, Beverly, you can do this. It's just telling him how you feel, right? No big deal."

"You've known him for so long. You've been through so much together. He's your best friend. It's time to be honest with yourself and with him."

[Beverly paces back and forth in her room, her heart racing.]

Beverly continued to mutter to herself outloud "What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if it ruins our friendship? Ugh, why is this so complicated?"

[She stops and takes another deep breath, staring at her reflection in the mirror.]

"No, Beverly, you can't let fear hold you back. Love is about taking risks, right? It's about being vulnerable. It's about telling the truth, even if it's scary."

[Beverly sits back down on her bed, clutching a pillow tightly.]

"Okay, deep breaths. You've practiced what you want to say a hundred times. It's now or never."

[She reaches for her phone, hesitating for a moment.]

She muttered to herself again: "Just a text, that's all it takes. No need to overthink it."

[With trembling fingers, Beverly starts typing a message]

Beverly (muttering): "Hey Zed, there's something I've been wanting to tell you..."

[She stares at the message for what feels like an eternity, her heart pounding.]

Beverly whispered to herself." Here goes nothing."

[Beverly hits send and waits anxiously for a response, her mind racing with a mix of hope and fear.]

[Zed]

The camera cuts to Zed, heading into the Spin Hansen Memorial Training Center before a quick "walkthrough" with Sean Franklin before their OOWF Tag Team Championship match on Saturday Slam. He feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.



Zed stops walking and cocks his head sideways, quickly types out "What's up?" and sends the reply, then stumbles backwards with a grunt before shouting.

Z: OW WHAT IN THE HELL?

Rev. BRICK~! has walked directly into Zed, spilling his morning coffee all over Zed ... and his phone. Zed's first reaction is to drop the phone and try to pat down the hot coffee that is spilled all over his clothes. 

B: Language!

Z: Why don't you learn where you're walking before you worry about if I cuss you out?

B: My apologies. I was just looking at this very important update on my phone regarding the shipment of shirts celebrating your Grand Slam tonight.

Zed shakes his head, then bends down to pick his phone back up and sees the screen has gone black.

Z: Neat. Well, I guess that's a future-me problem. 

Zed sarcastically shows off his phone to Rev. BRICK~! before tossing it in his bag as we FADE.

[DrMcAwesome]

*the scene and INVISIBLE NINJA CAMERA find BRIDGET O’MALLEY in front of the OOWF interview banner with QUALIFIED AND ATTRACTIVE FEMALE JOURNALIST NO. 12*

QAFJ12: “Bridget. Surely you have a response for what we all witnessed on OOWF dot TV yesterday. Is Ona Jones in trouble tonight?”

BRIDGET: “Skanky … Can I call you that? I’m going to anyway. Anyhow, Skanky. This Ona Jones did nothing wrong and shouldn’t worry. In fact, I’m fine. Everything is fine. I’m at peace with what has happened. My focus is solely on becoming the wrestler that Mac Flasher is afraid to be, a successful one. Now if you don’t mind, I need to stretch before my very important match against a very skilled opponent.”

*BRIDGET exits the interview area as KYLIE MIGNOLIO rushes in to see QAFJ12 standing by herself*

KYLIE: “Did Bridget tell you that everything was fine?”

QAFJ12: “Yes. She was very calm.”

KM: “Someone needs to tell her opponent to skip this match.”

*KYLIE rushes off toward the locker room area as the scene fades*

[DrMcAwesome]

OOWF Saturday Slam – Sept. 9, 2023
OOWF Arena – Asheville, North Carolina

• Jack Quinn chooses the stipulations for his match against Pete Quick at Hell on Earth
Symphony of Destruction plays and Jack Quinn comes out to the top of the ramp wearing a long white trench coat, flanked by the rest of Shokan Dojo, Katie Bardoor and PORK. The trio make their way to the ring and the crowd pops big for them. Katie and PORK take their places in the corners, one watching the crowd, one watching the ramp. Jack stands in the middle of the ring looking around, most of the crowd cheers for him, there are still a few boos and a few JUSTICE FOR JUSTIN & ELLIE MAY signs, but the majority cheer>

Jack: I still cannot get used to that. <crowd cheers more> But that's not why we're here, is it? No, it seems like just recently, Shokan Dojo, along with those masters of pugilistic preparedness and terrifying tap out tents, the WOODSMEN *cheap pop* won a match which allows me, Jack Quinn to decide on the stipulation on the match I FINALLY get to have against Pete Quick at Hell on Earth. *another pop*

So, Quick, I thought about it and thought about it, and I decided ... well, one match was just not enough. And then I thought ... well, I am going to have to keep that coward from running away ... AGAIN ... so it better be in a cage. And then I thought, well ... I am going to want to take my time with this, savor every moment, so we can't have a time limit on this affair now can we?

So here's what I decided.......

*Jack walks around the ring for a moment building suspense*

... Three Stages of Hell Cage Match ... No time limit.

*The crowd erupts* 

The first match will be ...

"Kingmaker" plays and Pete Quick comes out, along with the Royal Guard and Angie Delpetro. Katie and PORK bail and come back with a chairs to even out the numbers game. They step into the ring, and Pete walks right up to Jack and stares him in the eyes. 

PQ: I don't think so Jackie.

*he hands the mic to Angie*

AD: As Mr. Quick's legal counsel, I hate to inform you that your reward for winning the match was to pick the stipulation of the match - singular - in the event of a match containing more than one stipulation, in this case, your idea of a Three Stages of Hell match where all three matches will have chosen stipulations, the opposing party has to agree to, and have equal representation in the choices of, said stipulations in said match.

PQ: In other words, if you want your match I get to pick the stipulations

JQ: You? I don't think so Quick. And, really, there's an easy way to fix this, isn't there? Let's have the returning GM the Firewoman come out and see what she thinks

"Flame On" plays and Fire comes out to the top of the ramp to a standing ovation and a thunderous "WELCOME BACK" chant. She does her best to suppress a smile, then puts on her "all business" face and heads to the ring.

PQ: *in a grating annoying fake Irish accent* Oh boyos, will ya look! It it ain't Clan Quinn here to give me a fair shot! *serious voice* This is a joke, and you both know it. *turning to the crowd* Do you see this? Do you see what the Quinn's are trying to do AGAIN? They are the most pathe ... 

JQ: Ok Quick, you pick first.

PQ: What?

JQ: Is that good with you, GM the Firewoman?

*Fire nods*

JQ: There. If it shuts you up and stops another one of your idiotic rants, you pick first.

*a big grin spreads across his face and he starts to laugh* 

PQ: Jackie boy, I can play you like a fiddle. I knew all I had to do was annoy you just a little, and you would cave. You're so desperate to get to me, I've made you jump through hoops for MONTHS. I've watched as weak after weak each beating got worse and worse and worse. Look at you Jackie, you're done. You have more bandages than a drug store, you get around worse than Terry Funk ... even now *massive boos*. Jackie, I've already won. And now......I am going to end you by beating you at your own game. See ... I don't care what the second match is, we know this is going three, by whatever means necessary, you will steal the second match, be it crooked referee, some sort of cheating, or *looking at Fire* her Highnesses Royal decree, we all know this is going three. So do what you want with match two. I am going to end you at your own game.

Match one, I am going to prove I am a better wrestler than you. Onslaught rules. I will out wrestle you, and I will pin you clean, right in the middle of that ring.

Match three ... Taipei Death Match

Russ: Good GAWD!
Razz: What the hell is Quick thinking? Jack has never lost a Taipei Death match, has he?

*the crowd buzzes for this*

See Jackie ... by then, I will know for sure that Jack Quinn is a fraud. When I beat you in an onslaught rules match, there goes the myth that Jack Quinn can make it as a wrestler. Everyone will see you exposed for the fraud you truly are. And then, for the final match, you'll have no choice. I'll get Moosehead Jack. Jack Quinn cannot win a Taipei Death Match, only Moosehead Jack can, and when I destroy him, when I destroy you, I destroy the myth of Moosehead Jack.

*Quick's snarl quickly turns to a satisfied smirk as Jack stares him in the eyes*

JQ: Ok Quick. Second match is a strap match. Not one of those stupid "touch all four corners" matches, but rather just you and I tied together with a nice, thick strap of leather.

PQ: Do you think I am afraid of you, Jackie?

JQ: *looking at him hard* No Quick, I don't. And it's not because I think you're fearless, not by any means. You've shown you're a coward already. I don't think you're afraid of me, because you're too dumb to see what you've done.

PQ: Oh really? And just what is that?

JQ: Back when this started, when I disappeared for a few days.....

PQ: When you cowardly ran away after trying to kill Justin and Ellie May

JQ: While I was gone, I came to a realization, a realization that was confirmed by my sister when she woke up

PQ: Ohh, more Irish shit!

*Jack slaps the mic out of Quick's hand and backs him into the corner. PORK and Katie step between them, the Royal Guard and Angie*

JQ: Listen to me Quick, and listen good. What I realized is that I CREATED Moosehead Jack. I CONTROL Moosehead Jack. I DECIDE when it's time for Jack to come out. I am not Moosehead Jack, but Moosehead Jack is part of who I am. For all those years Moose controlled ME and it was absolute chaos and carnage, unfocused rage and destruction, attack on any slight, real or imagined, and that anger THAT RAGE made me the most feared man in professional wrestling history!

*Jack pauses for a moment, his eyes burning with rage. Quick doesn't look scared, but rather deeply concerned*

Now, I want you to think Quick, think real hard about what a focused Moosehead Jack could do. A Moosehead Jack that is there for one reason and one reason only ... to destroy you by any means necessary. When you close your eyes Quick, I'll be there. I'll be around every corner, in every dark space, every bump in the night will be Moosehead Jack. And there's not a thing in the world you can do to stop me. I want you to think about that Quick.

*Jack steps back a few steps, but never takes his eyes off of Quick*

I am Jack Quinn
I am the creator *points to Shokan Dojo*
I am the destroyer
I am redemption
*Jack reaches into his coat and pulls out a brand new Happy Deth Bat*
I am your destruction

*Jack takes a swing at Quick, but he manages to bail just in time and HDB tears the turnbuckle pad where Quick's head had been just moments before. Katie and PORK move on the Guard and Angie, and they bail out and make a hasty retreat. Jack stands with PORK and Katie, gives a hug to Fire, who was safely on the outside of the ring, and Shokan Dojo leaves as we fade to black*

• Jeff Mangyuniku and Rory Thomas vs. The One-Notes
Cold open as Russ and Razz welcome viewers to this episode as Jeff and Harper start for their respective teams. Jeff outclasses Harper in a mat-wrestling sequence before Carrie tags herself in to try her hand at Jeff, only to get overpowered in short order. Jeff and Rory work fast tags to isolate Carrie, with Rory ending the double-team flurry with a monkey flip that sends Carrie two-thirds of the way across the ring. Carrie tags in Harper, who drills Rory with a lariat and immediately hits the chin lock while jawing with ringside fans. With Rory trying to shake the cobwebs out, Harper releases the chin lock and starts clubbing him down with elbows and forearms before a belly-to-belly suplex gets 2. Jeff pounds the the top turnbuckle in his corner to get the crowd behind Rory, who tries crawling under Harper’s legs before she just sits on his back and pulls him into a half-crab submission. Rory is able to pull himself within an arm’s reach of his corner before Harper stands up and rags Rory back to the middle of the ring and then closer to the One-Notes’ corner where Carrie offers assistance by grabbing Harper’s free arm as official Mel Creech is checking on a submission from Rory. Jeff’s loud protests go unheard by Creech, prompting the youngster to charge across the ring and clothesline Harper from behind, causing her to break the hold and barrel into Carrie.

With Creech sending Jeff back to his corner, a woozy Carrie hands some kind of object to Harper, who places it on her right hand. With Rory getting to a vertical base, Harper slugs Rory, flattening him with the right cross. Harper then grabs the knocked-out Rory by his legs and starts a modified giant swing, swinging Rory back and forth. Creech sees an unresponsive Rory and calls for the bell as Jeff is just a second too late.

Razz: “Harper calls that the Metronome, and it got The One-Notes a big win, I think their first win!”

Your winners (referee stoppage, 5:40), The One-Notes!

Afterward, Harper drops Rory in a heap, almost shocked that her team just won while Carrie jumps in her arms. Jeff checks on a now-seated and disoriented Rory, patting him on the back before leaving the ring with a very disappointed expression. The One-Notes serenade Jeff with “The Porpoise Song,” for some reason, albeit very poorly as most fans start covering their ears.

•  Sandra Fallon vs. Nuke, with Annie Horvath
“Hate Breeders” bellows through the arena, with Nuke and Annie walking out together, but seemingly on different pages. Annie glad-hands a young fan holding a sign in support of her while Nuke vehemently disapproves, taking the sign and ripping it up in front of the fan. Annie demands an explanation from Nuke while simultaneously apologizing to the distraught young girl as “Surf Wax America” plays out Sandra, who hugs the crying fan on her way to the ring. Sandra gets to the ring and takes off her shell necklace, turning around to hang it on the ring post, nearly getting blindsided by Nuke before sidestepping the attack. Sandra then hits a trio of right hands, with an uppercut sending Nuke to the canvas as Davis Hightower restores order and then calls for the bell. Nuke tries to stomp at Sandra’s feet, but she’s able to avoid the attack before hopping up and delivering a leaping forearm smash across Nuke’s jaw. Nuke rolls out of the ring with Annie checking on him, though Nuke doesn’t appear to want much to do with Annie’s concern.

Russ: “It appears that the foundation between these two lovebirds is showing some serious fractures.”
Razz: “I blame Mac. If Mac would ever make a decision, then …”
Russ: “I’m talking about Nuke and Annie.”
Razz: “Oh. Well, Annie is clearly the one at fault for all that is wrong between these two. She’s trying to make Nuke something he’s not.”
Russ: “Look partner, by dressing like he’s Johnny Rotten, that little rich boy is already something he’s not.”

Nuke rolls back inside and jabs Sandra in the throat, getting the upper-hand. Nuke follows with a trio of running knee lifts and a body slam that gets 1 as Sandra pops up, only to get a knee to the stomach and an elbow to the chin. Nuke then hits a chinlock, freely using the ropes and Sandra’s hair to add leverage and keep her in his grip, despite Annie’s verbal protests to not fight as dirty. Nuke shouts toward Annie, who then points out to Hightower that Nuke’s boots are on the ropes. Hightower calls for Nuke to break the hold, which he does at 4 before turning toward Annie, now on the apron, with an incensed expression. Nuke reaches into his pocket to pull out his trusty chain, which Annie tries to grab from him. Nuke eventually wins the tug-of-war, but yanks himself back into a kick to the gut by Sandra, who manages to lift the heavier Nuke and spin him in a Maliblu Thunder Bomb that gets 3 from Hightower.

Your winner (pinfall, 7:49), Sandra Fallon!

Afterward, Nuke with the chain around his fist, drills Sandra, dropping her where she stood. Nuke then wraps the chain around his forehead, looking to deliver a standing head butt to a staggered Sandra when Annie steps in front, pleading with Nuke to stop with the shortcuts. Nuke grabs Annie by her blue hair and throws her over the top rope, drawing immediate and nuclear heat just as Mac Flasher rushes to the ring. Mac begins attacking Nuke with three right hand punches and a left-handed uppercut as Sandra, still a bit woozy, checks on Annie, who is crying more from hurt feelings than physical pain. Mac chases Nuke off then calls for a microphone.

Mac: “Nuke. It’s quite simple. I’m getting tired of you. I’m getting tired of dealing with you. I am tired of your fucking face. I want you gone from this company as long as OOWF will allow it. Hell on Earth. You and I. Loser leaves OOWF for four shows. For once, show that you have a backbone and face me one on one on September 23, without any of these bullshit weapons of yours, or live by the things that will give you an extended vacation starting in two weeks.”

Mac spikes the microphone and joins Sandra in helping Annie to her feet, though the young punk-rocker is unsure of the sudden assistance from very recent enemies. Sandra assures Annie that there is nothing to worry about all while Nuke looks on from atop the entrance ramp with a scowl as he is joined by his father, Adam Jennings.

• Bridget O’Malley vs. Ona Jones
With Ona already in the ring, “Crown on the Ground” plays out Bridget, who hardly acknowledges the crowd reaction as she rolls into the ring and immediately downs Ona with a spinning backfist before official Ben Coleman shrugs and calls for the bell. Bridget gets a mount on Ona and peppers her with punches and forearms with Ona barely able to shield herself, taking a particularly brutal shot on the chin, splitting it open.

Russ: “Razz, I think we’re seeing some frustrations from Bridget’s out-of-ring life getting worked out on poor Ona.”
Razz: “Ona is a tough cookie, but when Bridget gets THIS kind of fire in her eye, it’s hard to stop her from doing what she wants in that squared circle.”

Ona finally rakes Bridget’s eyes to get herself a moment to escape and catch her breath. It’s about the only separation she gains as Bridget grabs her by the hair before snapping off Bridget to Nowhere that gets 2 as Ona barely wiggles out of the bridging pin attempt. As Ona backs off, Bridget simply rolls herself into Ona’s knee, buckling it and causing the rookie to wail in pain. Coleman admonishes Bridget for the cut block with Bridget paying no mind to the official as she grabs Ona’s leg and places it over her neck before lifting Ona into a stretch muffler that gains an instant submission.

Your winner (submission, 3:56), Bridget O’Malley!

Afterward, Coleman tries to get Bridget to release the hold, but she refuses as a popping sound followed by a shriek from Ona can be heard. Bridget drops Ona in a heap and walks away with Ona clutching at her knee in what appears to be excruciating pain as OOWF Medical personnel rush past an expressionless Bridget on their way to the ring to check on the rookie.

Russ: “Bridget O’Malley might have ended a career tonight! She may have crippled this poor rookie.”
Razz: “Bridget cracks knees and she don’t care! I like this side of her!”

• Mac Flasher vs. Pete Quick vs. Beverly Cambridge
“I Get Wet” plays out Mac, who steps out and coolly walks toward the ring before “Cut the Cord” interrupts to note the arrival of Beverly, who is hobbling a bit but looks ready to go all the same. Mac and Beverly stand in the ring as “Kingmaker” plays, turning the mostly positive crowd reactions into an incredibly negative response for Pete, who doesn’t emerge right away. The song plays for about two minutes before the announce table chimes in.

Russ: “Fans, we’ve been informed that there was an altercation backstage. Our camera crews are on their way to the scene and we’ll show you what there is to be seen as soon as they arrive.”

The feed cuts to the back with Pete face-down on the concrete floor, with blood presumably pooling from his head and torso as Angie Delpetro screams for help. Beside Pete, what appears to be the broken handle of a black baseball bat can be shown, but the barrel is nowhere to be found in the shot. The feed then returns to ringside.

Razz: “That animal! Jack Quinn finally gets Pete Quick in a match that he wants, and he can’t resist attacking him before a match that had nothing to do with Quinn or anyone with Shokan Dojo.”
Russ: “Now wait just a minute. We don’t know that it was Jack Quinn. Pete Quick has made a lot of enemies in a short period of time in OOWF.”
Razz: “Buddy! There’s a piece of a broken baseball bat next to Pete Quick! That’s the calling card of one wrestler in this company. One who just unveiled a new bat in his arsenal tonight!”

With Mac, Beverly and Misato Misawa having seen the carnage on the OOWFTron, Misawa listens to a message in his earpiece before pointing at the two combatants in the ring and signaling that this is a singles match with two competitors before waving to the timekeeper’s table. The bell rings as Mac and Beverly bump fists before Mac goes in for a tie-up that Beverly ducks. Mac tries again from a different angle and Beverly ducks. Mac nods and smiles as Beverly does the same. Mac teases a test of strength, but Beverly declines with a wry smile.

Russ: “You’re watching two veterans, two friends, who know each other very well. The first mistake between these two might be the difference in who goes to pay window for the bigger paycheck.”
Razz: “These two do-gooders probably wouldn’t even take advantage of a mistake, in the name of sportsmanship or some other garbage.”

Beverly hits the ropes with Mac getting low and sending her into a back bodydrop, which Beverly tries to counter by landing on her feet, but she immediately falls in a heap and clutches at her ankle.

Russ: “Oh no. That’s the same ankle that she dinged up against Alexander Darling two weeks ago.”
Razz: “Well, here’s Mac’s chance to show that he’s not a sucker! Take advantage!”

Beverly rips her boot off to reveal and grab the heavily taped ankle as Mac gets into a catcher’s squat to check on her. With Beverly in obvious pain, Mac takes her hand to offer a bit of support only to get snared into a small package that gets a quick, but fair, 3, from Misawa.

Your winner (pinfall, 4:36), Beverly Cambridge!

Afterward, Mac can only smile as Beverly smiles and shrugs before getting to her feet with a slight limp. Mac hands Beverly her boot while raising her hand just as Nuke rushes in and waylays Mac from behind with a chain-loaded fist. Nuke rains punches on a downed Mac as Adam Jennings occupies Beverly by trapping her in a corner. Nuke has Mac almost motionless after roughly a dozen chain-aided punches before pulling a microphone from his pocket.

Nuke: “I will gladly end you at Hell on Earth. If you’re lucky, four shows will be all you miss.”

Nuke throws the microphone at Mac’s face with Beverly finally breaking free enough to send Nuke away while Sandra rushes down to check on and protect Mac from further attacks.

• OOWF Intercontinental Championship match: Awesome Bill from Dawsonville (c) vs. Angie Delpetro
Angie, presumably still with the injured Pete Quick, never shows up, giving Awesome Bill a forfeit victory.

Your winner (count out, :10), and STILL OOWF Intercontinental Champion, Awesome Bill from Dawsonville!

Afterward, Awesome Bill walks toward the back with his championship, looking around for some kind of ensuing chicaneries, but has a totally uneventful exit from the ringside area.

• OOWF Tag Team Championship: The Woodsmen (c) vs. Zed and Sean Franklin
"Good in Red" by The Midnight brings out the challengers, Zed and Sean Franklin, accompanied by the "esteemed" Rev. BRICK~!. After they get to the ring, "What Does The Fox Say" begins to play as the OOWF Tag Team Champions, The Woodsmen, make their way to the ring. As they are introduced by Mike Elevenbee in the ring, they offer their kazoo fanfare, and Zed rolls his eyes and tests the ropes awaiting one of the Woodsmen to face him in the ring.

Zed comes out of the gates firing, dropping Dakota with a sling blade before hitting the ropes and drop kicking Dakota for good measure. He takes the early measure of Dakota, but Dakota slows down Zed with a snapmare and tags in Hunter.

Hunter lays into Zed with some knife-edge chops, but backs Zed into the challengers’ corner, which earns a hearty and very audible “Fuck this!” from Zed (and an admonishment from Rev. BRICK~!) before tagging in Sean. Hunter takes a step back, which is all Sean needs to latch in Hunter for a pumphandle slam. Sean then shows off his strength with a deadlift bridging German suplex, but Hunter kicks out at two.

Hunter rolls away and tags in Dakota, who starts to climb in the ring, then stops in his tracks, pulls out his kazoo, and gives a fanfare while pointing at the entrance ramp and standing at attention. Confused, Sean looks to see who could have prompted this reaction from Dakota, but it was all a trick. Sean turns back around and takes an elbow to the face before Dakota connects on a Tilt-A-Whirl DDT.

Dakota and Hunter share a smile as Sean tags in Zed. Zed is hardly taking the ruse to his teammate smiling, and charges in with a running knee. However, Zed is a little slow getting up as he takes a closer inspection of the knee he used for the attack.

Sensing an opportunity, Dakota stomps on Zed’s knee. Then, Dakota calls out to Hunter, who passes the newly unveiled Pain Cabin to him. Dakota drags Zed into the cabin after assembling it.

Russ: By God, who knows what kind of pain Zed is enduring inside those four hastily assembled walls.
Razz: They call it the Pain Cabin for a reason, Russ!
Russ: An astute observation from you, Columbo.
Razz: You got me good, Russ. I bet that joke killed with our 75+ demographic.
Russ: Man, Zed’s been in there a long time. I’m starting to get concerned.

On cue, Zed comes tumbling out of the cabin, shouting in agony. He crawls to the corner, reaching out to frantically tag Sean before tumbling recklessly out of the ring, holding his right knee.

Favoring his knee, Zed pulls himself up to his feet and sizes up Hunter. Hunter rises … right into Moment of Zed! But how much did Zed hurt his own knee in the process? He writhes in pain but forces himself to stand up. Zed ambles to the corner, shaking his head before climbing to the top rope. He precariously checks his balance, looks behind him one time for good measure to see Hunter still prone on the mat … THE ANSWER!

Zed doesn’t stick the landing cleanly, but he quickly crawls over to Hunter for the cover. One, two … and the bell rings?!?

Zed gives a confused look at Junior Hale, who quickly walks over to the ropes to confer with the timekeepers. Sean and BRICK~! both rush to ringside to eavesdrop on the conversation and offer their insight, all while Zed remains covering Hunter.

Mike Elevenbee: This match has reached its 20-minute time limit and has been declared a draw! As a result, STILL your OOWF Tag Team Champions, the Woodsmen!

Sean immediately climbs into the ring, demanding Junior Hale restart the match and asking for five more minutes. Zed simply has his head in his hands, unable to process this turn of events. Hunter and Dakota are having their own meeting of the minds, and don’t seem to have an issue with continuing the match, but Junior insists there will be no such continuation, waving off any potential restart and leaving the ring.

• War Pigs vs. Mr. Nigel and Mr. Liam
The Royal Guard is out first along with Angie Delpetro. War Pigs plays and PORK and Katie storm the ring as the crowd goes NUTS! The brawl is immediately on.

PORK and Nigel square off in one corner while Katie and Liam fight opposite. Katie and PORK try a double whip, but the Royal Guard reverses it, in an instant, Katie slides between a charging PORK's legs and PORK goes on to CRUSH Liam in one corner, while Katie springs to her feet and nearly takes Nigel's head off with a European Uppercut.

Nigel falls out of the ring and PORK follows him to the outside, while inside, Liam rakes Katie's eyes, sending her staggering. Liam steps in and BLASTS Katie with a right cross, then DARES her to hit him back.

Russ: This is not a sound strategy on Liam's part
Razz: It is if he wants to eat soup for a month

Katie DROPS Liam with a punch, then pulls off her shirt (still wearing a sports bra for you perverts> The crowd roars SHIRT OFF! FISTS UP! As Liam gets to his feet, Katie peppers him with shots to the face, then does a little Road Dogg shuffle and drops him with a final punch, then mounts him and rains fists down on his face.

While this is going on, outside the ring, PORK and Nigel are duking it out. PORK gets the upper hand and BLISTERS Nigel with some PORK CHOPS! Nigel catches PORK with a shot to gut, then charges but PORK hits him with a POP UP POWERBOMB through the announce table! PORK moves to get back into the ring when a hooded man grabs him and spins him around and hits him with a shot to the jaw that drops him to one knee.

Russ: WHY THE HELL DO WE ALLOW HOODIES IN THE ARENA?

The hooded man hops the guardrail and grabs PORK and slams him face first into the ringpost, then hammers PORK repeatedly with shots from a gloved hand. The man throws the hood off

Russ: IT'S THAT DAMN QUICK!
Razz: What is Pete Quick doing in the OOWF Arena Russ?
Russ: HE WORKS HERE!
Russ: Oh yeah!

Quick uses the (undoubtedly loaded) glove and applies THE CLAW! PORK writhes in pain as the blood begins to flow from his head. Nigel slowly gets up from the wreckage of the table and slides into the ring and DESTROYS Katie with a clothesline to the back of the head to get her off his partner. With Angie distracting the referee Liam grabs a chair and KILLS Katie as she gets to her feet. The Royal Guard quickly set her up and hit a SPIKE PILEDRIVER on the chair! They cover, Angie hops off the apron and pulls the chair out of the ring, the referee never saw a thing! Liam covers, one...two...three!

Your winner (pinfall, 7:02), The Royal Guard!

After the match, they keep the beatdown going until Jack Quinn runs to the ring with HDB, Nigel, Angie and Liam bail quickly, and try to pull Quick away, Quick hops on the apron, snarling at Jack, Jack takes a swing, but Quick hops down before contact is made. They retreat to the back as medical comes out to check on PORK and Katie.

• OOWF No. 1 Contender match: Lindsay McAllister vs. Alexander Darling
“King of the World” plays out Alexander, who slowly walks to the ring and perches himself on the top turnbuckle in the red corner, staring only at the entrance ramp and ignoring a few concession items tossed his way by ringside fans. “Just a Girl” draws out Lindsay, who receives a much more positive response from the crowd as she jogs to the ring, saluting the fans, but getting drilled from behind by Alexander before Davis Hightower pulls Alexander away and reads him the riot act as Lindsay collects herself. Hightower checks on Lindsay, who motions that she’s good to go as Hightower signals for the bell. Lindsay leapfrogs a charging Alexander and then hops over him on the return charge before greeting him with a dropkick on the rebound charge. Alexander rolls out of the ring after taking the boots to the jaw, but is unaware of Lindsay’s springboard plancha that sends both crashing and burning into the front of the announce table. Lindsay is the first to come to, trying to pull Alexander up, but he grabs a strap on Lindsay’s top and whips her head-first into the nearby barricade, knocking out the LED signal for a second. Lindsay stands up and falls forward, clipping Alexander’s knee, in an act of physics-based convenience. Alexander holds his leg while Lindsay staggers to her feet. Alexander is able to get into the ring with Lindsay a second behind as any sort if count is non-existent from Hightower as pointed out emphatically by Alexander, who believed that he would have beaten a 10-count that Lindsay wouldn’t have just now. With Alexander jaw-jacking with Hightower, Lindsay pulls Alexander into a lung-blower, getting 2 before Alexander desperately kicks out, kips up and runs through Lindsay with a shoulder tackle as the feed goes to a commercial for OOWF.tv's newest Q&A series, “Shootin’ with the Stars, Featuring Biff Slamkovich.”

Back from commercial with Alexander in control, tossing Lindsay with ease and aplomb as a grin sweeps across his face. A crucifix bomb gets 2.5. Alexander calls for Dark Darling Rising, but cannot even get the sequence started as Lindsay fights out of the brain buster and rolls Alexander up for 2. Alexander replies with a standing headbutt that floors Lindsay and sends her outside. Alexander follows out as Hightower starts his count. Lindsay greets Alexander with a stiff left hand and then a right hand as the two start a hockey fight, won eventually by Alexander as he gives Lindsay a tour of the ringside steps. Alexander continues overpowering Lindsay, pressing her onto the announce table as the bell suddenly rings.

Ladies and gentlemen, referee Davis Hightower has counted out both participants (8:53).

Afterward, Alexander rushes into the ring to argue with Hightower as Assistant General Manager Shizuru-Mune Mangyuniku-Cox appears on the OOWFTron.

Shizuru-Mune: “Alex. Lindsay. While tonight’s match did not determine a No. 1 contender for our world champion Lexie Darling to face at Hell on Earth, I have been given the authority by General Manager Firewoman to allow both of you to advance to Sept. 23 to face Lexie in a triple treat match.”

The feed on the OOWFTron goes dark as Alexander and Lindsay both nod in approval.

• OOWF World Championship match: Lexie Darling (c) vs. Kylie Mignolio
“Jaded” brings out Kylie, with Josie in tow, as the young manager high-fives her aunt before heading to the back. Kylie runs to the ring and stands atop the turnbuckles, egging on the crowd response while her music fades as “Radioactive” sends out Lexie, who shows her title for all to see atop the ramp. Lexie is greeted by Rocky the Bulldog, the athletics mascot at North Carolina-Asheville. Lexie doesn’t know what to make of the large Muppet on steroids, but eventually fist bumps the mascot as she heads to the ring. Rocky then tries to amp up the crowd as Mike Elevenbee gives the big-match introductions. The bell rings, per the request of Mel Creech, as the two trade headlocks with Lexie bailing after an atomic drop with Rocky giving Lexie a shoulder massage that creeps out the champion as she nearly slaps the giant mascot head. Back in the ring, Lexie catches Kylie in a leapfrog and reverses into a powerslam and then a bow-and-arrow hold, but Kylie escapes and boots Lexie down in the corner. Kylie gets 2 off a leaping knee drop, but Lexie grapples Kylie to the mat and delivers a few fierce forearms. Kylie escapes and gets a Fameasser on Lexie, who rolls to the outside only to eat a baseball slide. Creech’s count on Lexie gets to 6 before the champs gets back in and knees Kylie in the gut and then the face to take control. Lexie grabs a waist lock, but Kylie elbows her way to freedom. Lexie keeps coming, however, starting with an uppercut and following up with running dropkicks in the corner. Lexie props Kylie on the top turnbuckle with a superplex in mind, but Kylie fights her off and misses a 450 splash attempt as Lexie goes straight into a Texas Cloverleaf try that Kylie fights out of. Lexie works a pair of high-knees to down Kylie before hitting a knee-DT and then turning Lexie over into a sharpshooter attempt.

Russ: “That’s one of Kylie’s specialities! How embarrassing would it be to submit to your own hold?”
Razz: “You avoid that embarrassment by never allowing yourself to be put in that position!”

Kylie fights her way out and dodges a corner charge by Lexie, answering with an inverted suplex. Kylie spikes Lexie into the mat with a DDT as Rocky hops onto the apron to lead fans in cheers, but not on Kylie’s watch as she stops what she’s doing to confront the mascot, who drops down without incident. Kylie turns around as Lexie charges, crashing their heads together. Lexie falls on her back while Kylie falls on top, getting 2.9 from Creech as Rocky grabs Kylie’s ankle and pulls her from the ring before smashing her with a lariat with Creech signaling for the bell.

Your winner, (disqualification, 13:06) Kylie Mignolio!

As Elevenbee explains that the title does not change hands, Kylie confronts Rocky and shoves him while Lexie drops to the outside to retrieve her championship. As Rocky celebrates with a very not-into-it Lexie, Kylie dropkicks Rocky and strips off his head to reveal Alexander Darling, who starts to pummel Kylie as officials pour down the ramp to separate the developing brouhaha. While Kylie, Lexie and Alexander shout at each other and to anyone within an earshot, Assistant General Manager Shizuru-Mune Mangyuniku-Cox appears on the OOWFTron again.

Shizuru-Mune: “Kylie. Your opportunity to become world champion was unfairly taken from you by Alexander Darling. While I cannot remove Alexander from the world-title match at Hell on Earth, General Manager Firewoman has declared that on Sept. 23, Kylie Mignolio has been added as a challenger to Lexie Darling’s championship. See you three and Lindsay in Asheville.”

Kylie is elated at the news while Alexander breaks through the yellow shirts to drill Kylie. As officials tend to Kylie, Alexander stops cold as he spots Lexie’s championship on the floor. The feed cuts out as Alexander stares at his reflection in the front plate before Lexie scoops the belt off of the floor.