[Jack Quinn]

OOWF IMPERIAL ONSLAUGHT 2
LIVE From Fort Dick, California

CAPELLAN vs. FIRECHILD – Non Title Match

Firechild is announced and comes to the ring first, surprisingly. Not surprisingly he is wearing a smug grin across his face. Capellan is announced next but does not come out. They wait a minute or so and announce him again and re-cue his music, but nothing. Finally the referee starts the ten count and gets to about five when Capellan staggers out of the curtain, already bloody. He falls to the floor and struggles to get up. What the? We then see what the…when Chris Cole and Altrageous come out from behind the curtain, both carrying lead pipes. They pull a dazed Capellan to his feet and drag him to the ropes and roll him under the bottom rope. Cole then grabs the announcer and forces him to ring the bell. Firechild falls across a barely conscious Capellan and Alt threatens the ref until he makes a three count.
WINNER in :03 – Firechild

Cole and Altrageous climb into the ring and embrace Firechild, who celebrates like he has just won a hard fought match. Chris Cole grabs a mic and speaks:

<listening to the boos> Yeah all of you can boo me all you want. And all of you can kiss my ass too. Quite honestly, I don’t give a damn whether you like it or not, but the fact is, right here in this very ring, except for this piece of shit Capellan, is the greatest collection of talent in the OOWF. Now, I know you might be wondering where Harris is, don’t worry, he will be out to set the record straight for all you morons. So, let’s just get one thing straight, 3Piece Set runs the OOWF, you can either get used to it and accept it, or you can end up like him <kicks Cap in the mouth>

Cole and Alt pull a dazed Capellan up and Firechild kicks him and sets him up for the Wings of Phoenix, but before he can hit it, Wilder, Westgaard and…..Thim? Hit the ring. Westgaard and Wilder go after Cole and Alt, Thim darts right after Firechild, but 3Piece Set manages to slip out of the ring, leaving wCw and Thim Reynolds in the ring. wCw looks at Thim, he just glares at them for a moment, then heads to the back. JW and Tommy help Cap to his feet and they follow.

IMPERIAL ONSLAUGHT

THE RULES: Two participants, determined by a random draw earlier in the day, will begin the match. Every 90 seconds, another man enters. Elimination can only happen by a participant going over the top rope and both feet touching the floor. The final four men in the ring after all 32 participants have entered will enter the second phase of the match: Ultimate Onslaught, where a Hell in a Cell cage will lower around the ring. From this point onward, eliminations can only occur by pin fall or submission. The last man standing after all competitors have been eliminated will be declared the winner and will receive an OOWF World Title shot at an unspecified later date.

L.D. Williams draws #1 and does not look pleased by it, but knowing Williams, he will be more than ready to go a substantial amount of time in order to win the match. #2 goes to wCw's Tommy Wilder, and TW sprints to the ring, slides in, and the fight is ON as the bell sounds. Williams reverses an Irish whip, but Tommy springs back with a back elbow. Tommy looks to toss Williams early, but LDW reverses and tosses Wilder over the top, but TW holds on and pulls himself back in. Williams comes with a clothesline, but Wilder backdrops him over. This time, it's Williams that holds on. Tommy looks for a dropkick, but LDW leans back out of the way, and Tommy eats canvas. LDW back in and opens up on Wilder. The buzzer sounds for #3 and it's Eric O'Mac. Eric cockily makes his way to the ring and stands back, letting Williams continue to work Tommy over in the corner. LDW chops the hell out of Wilder, then sets him up for a superplex. LDW climbs up, and EOM rushes over and tries to push both guys over and out. But Williams lands on one side of the apron, Tommy the other, and the only thing Eric has succeeded in is pissing both of them off. Eric begs off of Williams, allowing Wilder to hit a running enziguri. Williams hits Tommy with a belly to back takedown and goes after EOM himself as the buzzer sounds again. #4 is Uncle Entity. UE in and immediately goes after Tommy. He looks for the brain buster, but Tommy counters into a nice DDT. On the other side of the ring, Williams tosses Eric, but EOM holds on, rolls back in, then like a pussy, rolls right back out beneath the ropes. Then, from out of nowhere, Wilder hits EOM with a suicide dive thru the ropes! Both guys go crashing to the rail, and the ring is open for LDW and UE to have at it. The buzzer sounds again and Josh O'Neal has drawn #5. Josh, still pissed about what happened at HoE, immediately joins Williams in pounding on Entity. But Wilder flies back in with an AIR PILLMAN taking all three guys down. Eric plays dead on the outside to buy some time.

They pair off in the ring, Wilder with O'Neal and Williams with Entity, as we're six minutes in and get the #6 entrant in the match, Sriram. Sriram in and goes after Williams. That frees Entity up to go help Josh with Tommy. Some double teaming goes on there, but some miscommunication sees Entity pop O'Neal in the mouth by mistake, and Tommy dumps UE out to the floor for the first elimination of the match at 7:03. Josh continues to put the beats on Wilder. We get the buzzer again, this time for #7, and it is Seraph. He hits the ring and helps Tommy out of his jam, then goes over and jumps Williams from behind. Seraph and Sriram look at each other briefly, then put the boots to LDW! SWERVE~! Double suplex, then they go after O'Neal. Double team gut buster on Josh, and Wilder follows up with the AIRWALK~! But LDW blindsides Tommy with a nasty forearm, and Sriram and Seraph back down LDW in a corner as the buzzer sounds for #8 and THE LIGHTS GO OUT! Insert dark match joke here.

BONG! BONG! WOOF! It's UnderDawg and put the women and children to bed, cause he is one pissed puppy! Sriram, Seraph, and Williams immediately drop their issue and turn their attention to the Big Dawg. UD wastes no time in hitting LDW with a running boot that sends L.D. falling awkwardly thru the ropes and to the floor. Sriram and Seraph attack him ninja style, which gets them nowhere, and Josh stumbles up at the wrong time, right back into UD, and Dawg punches him back to the ropes, then clotheslines him over and out at 9:48. Sriram charges and Dawg sidesteps him and slings him over, right on top of O'Neal, at 10:01. UD goozles Seraph at 10:16 and CHOKESLAMS HIM OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR~! Eric takes a peek from his pretend slumber and gets caught by UD. Dawg out to the floor and Eric knows he's in trouble. EOM rolls back in and begs off, but he doesn't see Tommy behind him with a dropkick. Eric falls right at the feet of UD, who simply grabs him under both arms and flips him over the top and hard to the floor at 10:33. Meanwhile, the buzzer sounded for #9, The Knife. The newcomer makes his way into the ring and politely introduces himself to Wilder, then to Dawg, who is amused by the gesture, but then drops Knife with a stiff right hand. Dawg raises a closed fist... and at 11:07, it's the LAST RIDE POWERBOMB THRU THE VENEZUELAN ANNOUNCE TABLE~! Welcome to the OOWF, Knife. So, after that flurry of eliminations by the Big Dawg, we're down to UD, Wilder, and Williams, who is still on the floor. Dawg looks at Wilder as if to say, "Boy, I like ya and all, but you're in my yard." Tommy backs off to a corner contemplating a plan, and UD slowly moves in. But suddenly, Williams slips back in and clips Dawg's knee, then applies the STF~! Wilder knows it's every man for himself, but why not get on UD's good side? Tommy nails Williams with a soccer kick straight to the mouth to break the hold, and L.D.'s bit his tongue or something, cause he's bleeding from the mouth. #10 enters at the 12 minute mark, and it's Apocalyptic Existence. With Wilder and Williams scrapping, AE sees this as a chance to make a name for himself by taking out Dawg. AE with a big leg drop, then another. He sets up for a third, but UD sits up. UD to his feet and AE comes at him with some lefts and rights, which Dawg no-sells. UD finally blocks one and hits a flurry of punches of his own, and an uppercut sends AE over the top. AE tries to hold on, but his feet touch at 13:02. Dawg's been in the ring like three minutes - read: blown up - so he decides to take a rest as Tommy and LDW continue their war on the other side of the ring.

The buzzer sounds for #11 and Fly dances his way to the ring. Fly gets in the ring, sees TW and LDW fighting, UD sitting in a corner... so he decides to dance. And it's bad. UD covers his eyes in horror, but Tommy gets a kick out of it, and the distraction allows Williams to take him down into the STF~! This time though, it's Dawg who makes the save. UD helps Tommy help, and then they both clothesline Fly to the mat. UD helps Fly up, then clotheslines him down again just for the fun of it. LDW looks to the back for help as the buzzer sounds, but the numbers don't get any better for Williams, as #12 is Blackdragon. BD hits the ring and goes after LDW, the man who took his IC Title a year ago. Williams looks for the DDT, but BD counters to the DKO DROP~! But LDW counters that with an inverted tornado DDT that has to be seen to be believed. UD with another boot to Williams, and LDW falls back and gets tied up in the ropes. Everybody looks around at each other and has the same idea: FREE SHOTS! One at a time, everyone makes their way by. Tommy with a punch, Fly with a punch, Dragon up with a punch, Dawg with a dogbone or twelve. Williams is still caught in the ropes as the clock winds down to under ten as the fans count along with it. Three... two... one... And the crowd pops big as it's J.W. Westgaard at #13. LDW is DONE! Westgaard in and he gets a series of lefts and rights on the exposed Williams. Westgaard and Wilder pulls LDW from the ropes and set up for NITRO~! Wilder flies in, but Williams punches away from Westgaard and in desperation, clotheslines Fly over the top and to the floor at 17:12. Williams turns right around into the CROSSCHECK~! Dragon and Dawg look on in amusement. Did they ever have a blow off after the Black Dawgs broke up? In a related question: Who drove the Hummer?

Westgaard and Wilder look for the kill and have Williams teetering, but the buzzer sounds for #14 and right on time, it's Moosehead Jack. But Jack can't get to Williams as Dawg and Dragon cut him off. LDW goes to the eyes of JWW and TW as a last resort, and makes his way over to help MHJ. The fight heats up as Jack, Williams, Dawg, and Dragon throw hands in the middle of the ring. But all of a sudden, Altrageous and Hollywood Harris hop out of the crowd, slide in the ring, and blindside Wilder and Westgaard. SPINAL CONTUSION~! TO BE EDITED IN LATER~! And the tag team champions toss wCw out simultaneously at 19:09. Dawg turns around and sees Harris and Alt scurrying away, immediately leaves that fray and gives chase to 3PS, doing the back flip over the top rope thing, thus eliminating himself at 19:15. Harris and Alt haul ass back thru the crowd as UD tries to catch them. This leaves Blackdragon all alone with kz... until the buzzer sounds, signaling the arrival of #15, F.F. Capslock. FFC in and he goes right after Moose. Right hands take MHJ back to the corner, and Capslock whips Moose hard to the opposite corner. FFC follows with an avalanche, then a massive clothesline for Williams on the rebound. Dragon up and BD chops Moose in the corner. Capslock with a belly to belly slam on LDW, then a clothesline/leg sweep combo on Moose with Dragon. The momentum doesn't last long though, as #16 is up, and it's Harper Camby. HC takes down Dragon from behind, then goes after Capslock. They trade stiff right hands in the corner as kz circles around Dragon like a couple of vultures. BD to his feet and fights out. Kick to Moose, chop to Williams, rinse, repeat. Arm drag for Williams, then a super kick sends Moose back into the corner. Williams stumbles right back into the DKO DROP~! But then Dragon turns right around into the HEART PUNCH~! Moose slumps back in the corner to catch his breath. Meanwhile, Capslock has Camby close to out, but HC wraps his legs around the ropes to block. Moose decides to leave Dragon and go try to take both Capslock and Camby out. HC is still holding on, but Moose dumps Capslock, but FFC holds on, as well.

The buzzer sounds for #17... and it's Ecosystem as we're over halfway home. Eco slides in and immediately tosses Dragon over and out to the floor at 22:42. And all of a sudden, it's Capslock left with both members of kz, Camby and Eco. FFC rolls back in, and Moose and Eco stomp the crap out of him, as Williams sits back and gets a breather. Camby back in, and he power bombs Capslock with an assist from Eco. Camby and Eco work to eliminate Capslock, but FFC does his best to block. MHJ joins in to help the process, but Capslock is big enough to get a wide grasp on the ropes. Finally, Williams comes over and all four men fight to take out FFC. But the buzzer sounds for #18, and it's GatorBait! Gator sprints in to break up the party and Ecosystem eats a super kick and GB takes Moose down with a back elbow. Gator gets LDW in the corner with lefts and rights, then shoulder thrusts. FFC fights off Camby... and it's GREETINGS FROM FRESNO~! Moose looks for the HEART PUNCH~! But Capslock grabs his hand and hits a short arm clothesline. Eco, however, goes low on FFC to stop that rally. Eco rolls up Gator out of the corner, but there's no pin falls in this, so it's for naught. Eco and Williams double team GB until the buzzer sounds for #19... Spin Hansen. Spin hits the ring and goes right after Ecosystem, pounding him down in the corner. Williams tries a German suplex, but Hansen ain't having any of that. Spin elbows out of it. Williams to the ropes and Hansen looks for the LARIAT~! But Williams ducks and the aggressive Hansen walks right into a HEART PUNCH~! Capslock is up now though, and hits Moose with a Scott Hall choke slam. Williams tries his luck with FFC, but Capslock sweeps out the legs and catapults LDW into the turnbuckle. Williams lands on top of the ropes, and Capslock looks to push him out, but Eco's over to break that up. But as soon as Eco turns around... CHOMP~! Eco is dead.

Time for #20, as the buzzer signals the arrival of Mierda Del Pollo Rudo #2. Thanks for the "dos" on the elbow pads. Nobody knows quite what to make of the masked man, as Harris and Alt were presumably chased out of the arena earlier, so everyone ignores MDPR#2... except for Spin Hansen, who makes it back to his feet and murders the masked man with a LARIAT~! Camby's back in the fight and is choking out Capslock by the ropes until Hansen runs in with a clothesline that takes Camby to the floor at 27:59. Hansen and Capslock grab Moose and call for the DUI~! But it's broken up by the #21 entrant, Thim Reynolds. Reynolds nails Hansen with an overhead throw, then stomps the crap out of FFC. Gator grabs Thim and they go at it, GB ducking a clothesline and hitting a nice spinning heel kick. But when Gator gets up, Williams takes his head off with a stiff clothesline. Thim gets to his feet, and he and kz stand tall in the ring... just in time for MDPR#2 to stumble to his feet. They play pinball with the masked man, and finally Thim grabs MDPR#2 and tries to rip the mask off, but MDPR#2 goes to the eyes, quickly chops LDW and MHJ to the mat, then does a Flair Flop himself. Hmmmm. Eco's up, grabs Gator and tosses him over, but GB holds onto the top rope and lands on the apron. Gator and Eco slug it out, and Gator's about to fall off when the buzzer sounds for #22... and it's Outback Jack. OBJ runs around the ring and pushes Gator back in, then pulls Eco out of the ring under the ropes, and OBJ and Eco have at it on the floor. Meanwhile, in the ring, we've got a D&D vs. kz battle going on. Spin's got Moose in the corner and punching away. Capslock presses Williams over his head and looks to toss him as far out of the ring as possible, but Reynolds clips FFC in the knee to stop that. Hansen sets Moose up on the ropes and is ready to take him out, but Reynolds steps in the way and backdrops Spin to the floor at 31:01. Hansen is pissed as Reynolds talks some shit to him, so Spin takes his frustration out on the nearest person to him... which happens to be Ecosystem, with a power bomb on the floor. Capslock is still selling the knee, so MDPR#2 slaps on the FIGURE FOUR~! VAMOS A LA ESCUELA~! But Gator and OBJ drag the masked man off and nail him with the CALL OF THE WILD~! Before they can dump MDPR#2, though, kz cuts them off.

Voltage is in at #23 and seizes the opportunity to work over Capslock, as Reynolds, Williams, Moose, Gator and OBJ brawl on one side of the ring. Eco drags himself back in and helps Voltage with Capslock. Moose and Williams have OBJ in a tight spot, but Gator frees himself from Thim and hits a STNIGRAY SPLASH to bust that up. Williams stumbles into a BOOMERANG~! Gator tries a super kick on Reynolds, but Thim counters it with the ADJUSTMENT~! But then OBJ nails Thim with a running knee lift to break that up. The buzzer sounds as TFDU sets Moose up for the CALL OF THE WILD~! But the #24 entrant, Johnny Adrenaline low bridges Gator, and GB goes over the top and to the floor at 33:13. Johnny can't even get on the apron before OBJ grabs him and decks him, but that allows Williams to sneak up from behind and dump Outback Jack at 33:46. Johnny laughs at the Aussies, but LDW just decks Adrenaline. Suddenly, we're left with Capslock and a bunch of heels. Eco and Voltage have FFC neutralized in a corner and kz discusses strategy. But MDPR#2 is back in it and decides to go after Voltage and Eco. Chops galore for the both of them, then a blatant eye gouge for Eco, and an even more blatant kick to the balls for Voltage. Moose puts a stop to that nonsense with a right hand to the masked man, and it must've been some punch, cause MDPR#2 is bleeding now. Johnny decks Moose form behind and Williams and Reynolds waste no time in going after Johnny. Adrenaline is in trouble when the buzzer sounds for #25, and it's Concrete TG! Williams and Reynolds drop Johnny and immediately put the clamp on Crete, but Capslock is up and pulls Thim out of the fray. FFC looks for GREETINGS FROM FRESNO, but Thim counters and looks for a German suplex. Capslock elbows out of that and lets Reynolds eat his size 16 boot instead. CTG backdrops Williams over, but somehow, LDW hangs on. Eco nails CTG from behind, and Moose and Johnny actually work together to double team Capslock. But that doesn't last long as Moose drops Johnny with a right hand. Moose and Crete back into each other... and we get the STAREDOWN OF IMMINENT VIOLENCE~! Everybody party like its 2005, cause Moose and Crete go at it like they were Benoit and Sullivan or something. But Reynolds blindsides Concrete, and FFC tackles Moose. MDPR#2 decides to take on LDW and chops away in the corner. Johnny comes over to help, but the masked man drops him with chops, too. Capslock looks to put Moose out, but Voltage comes up from behind and dumps Capslock, but only to the apron, and Voltage begs off of FFC. That allows Ecosystem to dropkick Capslock from behind. FFC slugs Eco, but Voltage goes low and sets FFC up on the top rope. Voltage looks for the top rope Samoan drop, but before he can get it, CTG runs over and hits a springboard dropkick, sending Voltage to the floor hard at 35:44.

Time for #26 as the buzzer sounds, and it's the mysterious Mierda Del Pollo Rudo #1. Thim goes straight for that mask, but tastes a stiff spine buster for his troubles. Eco tries a shining wizard on this bigger masked man, but MDPR#1 ducks and just pounds Ecosystem to the mat. Capslock grabs Williams for another press slam, but tosses him onto Moose instead. Johnny goes to MDPR#1 and tries to make a plan, but MDPR#1 gives him the DOMINATOR~! MDPR#2 is over, struts around Adrenaline, the Los Mierda Del Pollo Rudos eliminate Johnny at 37:00! Adrenaline is pissed off, as MDPR#1 shrugs and MDPR#2 sends JA away with some pelvic thrusts. The masked men turn around however and get double clotheslined over the top and to the floor by Capslock at 37:18. Johnny and MDPR argue on the floor, and for some reason, they aren't doing it in Spanish. #27 is Nayr, and he immediately gets caught with a belly to belly by Thim. CTG comes over to lock up with Thim again. Meanwhile, Williams looks for the DDT on Capslock, but FFC picks him up and crotches him on the top rope. Moose charges, but Capslock sidesteps him, and Moose barely is able to put on the brakes before colliding with LDW. Capslock sees a chance to take both guys out and charges... but Moose hits the deck, and Williams falls over and pulls the rope down, and Capslock is gone at 38:23! Crowd boos the hell out of that one, as Moose and Williams stay alive. Crete manages to lift Reynolds up and gets him over, and Thim hangs on for

<continued>

[Jack Quinn]

dear life. Eco's over to try and break that up, but he flips Eco over, too. Reynolds and Ecosystem hang upside down, on the brink of elimination, and they exchange punches. Moose and L.D. make their way over and double team Crete, but Nayr flies in with the HALFLING WIZARD to both Moose and Williams! Thim knocks Eco off the ropes, and Eco falls to the floor... but lands on one foot and manages to hop back into the ring. Thim rolls back in and protests as we get the buzzer for #28, Tommy O'Neil. TO in and works over Crete in one corner. Eco talks Reynolds into letting him off the hook and instead jumping Nayr from behind. Williams and MHJ sit back and pick their spot. TO tries the IRISH CLOVERLEAF, but Crete kicks him away and thru the ropes. Eco sends Nayr to the ropes, and Thim catches him with a Stun Gun on the way back. Eco swoops in and looks for the elimination, but Nayr gets him with a head scissors and brings him over the top rope. Both guys are on the apron and try to knock the other off. Reynolds charges in, dives thru the ropes, but Eco and Nayr sidestep him, and TR's suicide dive eats nothing but floor. Nayr glances at Thim on the floor, allowing Eco to sneak back in, then look for the elimination again. Nayr ducks a punch, then comes back in with a sunset flip, but Williams comes in with a dropkick to Nayr's face. O'Neil rolls back in and catches a resting CTG from behind. Moose and LDW double team Nayr as TO pounds Crete in the corner, and we get the buzzer for #29...

And Stank enters to a big pop. He comes in and MHJ calmly begs off, allowing Williams to try to jump him from behind, but Stank simply snap mares him off. Moose drops in the corner then rolls out of the ring. Stank with a big boot to Ecosystem, a shoulder block for O'Neil, then drags LDW up for the STANK-U~! That prompts Moose to come back in and break it up. But Stank gets hold of Moose and pound him back to the ropes. Stank charges for a clothesline, but Thim's back up on the apron and drills Stank with a forearm shiver before he can get to MHJ. Moose stomps away at Stank, and LDW and Thim are over to help. TO and Eco set up to clothesline Nayr out, but Nayr ducks. Eco turns around into a dropkick, and Nayr hits Tommy with a hurricanrana and takes him over the top to the floor at 41:02. Eco blindsides Nayr in retaliation. Thim grabs Stank for a fisherman's suplex, but CTG comes flying in with a shining wizard off Stank's back. CTG fights off kz and Stank takes Eco's head off with a clothesline, which sends Eco over the top, but again, somehow, Ecosystem holds on with one hand and slips back in. Time for #30, and Ax-Man hits the ring. Ax takes a look around the ring, and opts to go right after Williams. Moose interjects, then one thing leads to another, and we have a 4 on 4 brawl, Ax paired off with Williams, CTG with MHJ, Nayr with Thim, and Stank with Eco. Reynolds beats Nayr down in one corner, then goes over to assist Moose with Crete. Moose and Thim double team CTG and look for an elimination, but Stank's over in short order to break that up. Eco sneaks up on Nayr and tries to dump him again, but Nayr fights him off. Ax and Williams are duking it out intensely on the other side of the ring, and Ax gets the upper hand. Williams counters with a desperation low blow. LDW sets Ax up for the kill, but Stank flies in with a massive shoulder block to cut that idea short. Moose and Thim have Crete isolated again, and look to dump him out, but this time Nayr comes in with a simple double noggin knocker, which allows Crete back in the fight... culminated with a CEMENT MIXER to Reynolds. But CTG gets no further, because the #31 entrant hits the ring, and it's Canadian Dragon. Dragon puts a nice beating on Crete. Stank picks up Williams and heads for the ropes, but Moose runs over and breaks that up. Ax then grabs Moose and they slug it out. Nayr and Ax double team Moose, and a super kick by Ax sends Moose over the top, but only to the apron. Dragon has kicked Crete literally at least 80 times in the corner, then drags him up and drops him with an OWEN DRIVER~! Nayr jumps Dragon from behind, and as Reynolds gets to his feet, Eco sneaks behind him and dumps him out... but Thim rolls back in and Eco's in trouble. Eco begs off, but as he's focused on Thim, he's oblivious to Stank approaching him from behind, and then, in one quick movement, Stank hits a release German suplex, sending Eco over the top rope and HARD to the floor at 44:39. Thim takes Stank down into the ADJUSTMENT~! And then Williams slides over and slaps on a cross face at the same time, and Stank is trapped.

The buzzer sounds at the 45:00 mark, which means our final entrant is up, and it's Attitude Adjuster. Who'd he pay off? Capps finishes his sandwich, then cautiously enters the ring. He sees Dragon and Nayr going at it, he sees Ax and Moose fighting, and he sees Crete laid out. But AA goes after Williams and Thim?? The crowd pops as AA kicks Reynolds in the chest, then stomps LDW, and AA fights them both off. Crete gets to his feet and joins in. Moose backdrops Ax over the top, but Ax holds on. Then Moose helps out LDW and TR, and Ax follows over. Dragon picks his spot and decks Concrete again. Nayr hops on Dragon for perhaps a victory roll, but CD just drops him on the ropes. Nayr skins the cat though and comes back after Dragon. Finally, Stank gets back to his feet and starts throwing punches. Moose goes down. Nayr goes down. Williams. Dragon. AA. Crete. Ax backs away and they line up Moose, but Reynolds gets a drop toehold on Ax, but Ax counters into the FIGURE FOUR~! LDW breaks that up, but Stank picks Williams up by the throat, and MHJ comes in with a knee lift. Dragon grabs Nayr to toss him again, but CTG hits a German suplex on both of them. Stank's tied up with kz, and Ax is over to help, but AA sneaks around and dumps Ax at 50:00. Stank slugs AA down, and that allows kz to try to toss Stank again. CTG is over to stop that, and Dragon has the chance to dump Nayr again. Dragon whips Nayr to the corner, but Nayr jumps onto the ropes, but AA is there to shake the ropes and Nayr crotches himself. Dragon dropkicks Nayr off the turnbuckle and to the floor at 52:33. Capps and Dragon high five on that move, but Dragon kicks AA in the gut and tries to toss him out, but the low center of gravity makes it difficult, and AA fights off. CTG over and fights with Dragon some more, and AA goes over to help kz with Stank. Williams doesn't want AA's help and pops him good one time, so AA decides to help Stank instead. The two of them fight kz off, then Stank drops AA with a right hand. Thim grabs Stank from behind and gets him on the ropes, and Dragon comes over to help. MHJ sees Concrete down on the other side of the ring and calmly stalks him. HEART PUNCH... but Crete grabs his arm, pulls him in, and backdrops him over the top rope and to the floor at 56:07! Moose can't believe it. MHJ rolls back in and nails CTG with the HEART PUNCH for real, then mounts him for some punches before referees drag him away. As Stank fights off Dragon and Reynolds, Williams stumbles over and looks for the easy elimination on Concrete, but AA makes the save! Williams and Capps slug it out, but then both get clotheslined down by Stank. Dragon looks for a spinning heel kick on Stank, but Stank moves, and Dragon crotches himself. Stank with a big boot to Dragon, and CD falls to the floor at 59:30. But Thim comes from behind and dumps Stank to huge heat immediately afterward at 59:35, triggering the end of the battle royal portion of the match.

ULTIMATE ONSLAUGHT: L.D. Williams vs. Thim Reynolds vs. Concrete TG vs. Attitude Adjuster

Reynolds is the only one standing as the cage descends from the ceiling. Thim tosses CTG over the tope rope – [/i]about a minute too late for it to mean anything[/i – and lays him directly beneath the cage wall, and the cage lands on Crete. Reynolds, and then Williams, to the floor and kick the crap out of a trapped CTG, before the officials can pry them away and raise the cage again to allow Crete back inside. Capps sits back and rests, probably longing for a turkey on rye. Reynolds and Williams toss Crete in the ring, and LDW has some words for AA. Capps decides enough is enough, and sneaks up and slaps on THE CLAW~! An hour into the match, Williams is in trouble, but Reynolds bails him out with a clothesline. Thim opens up on AA in the corner, and Williams goes after CTG. Williams dumps Crete to the floor again and follows outside. Williams pulls a chair from beneath the ring and lines Crete up... but CTG super kicks the chair back into his face! Crete grabs the chair and goes ballistic on LDW, but Reynolds hits a baseball slide to break that up. Thim grabs the chair and whacks Concrete one time, then rolls in. Reynolds swings for AA, but Capps hits the deck, and the chair bounces off the ropes and nails Thim in the face. AA rolls up Reynolds... one, two, but Thim just kicks out. AA grabs the chair, but Williams trips him from the floor, and AA lands face first on the chair, triggering a blade job. Williams in with the STF~! AA is ready to tap, but Crete hits a moonsault off the top rope to break that up. CTG covers Williams... one, two, but Thim makes the save. Thim with a suplex on Crete, and Williams is up for the double team. To the ropes, but Crete ducks a clothesline, then Lionsaults back onto both of them. AA is up and grabs Crete for the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT~! But Crete counters straight into the SCAFFOLD~! AA is trapped, and with nowhere to go, and nobody to bail him out, he taps at 70:12. However, that turn of events leaves Crete trapped inside a steel cage with Williams and Reynolds. Crete wastes no time in going on the offense, knocking Williams to the floor, then bashing Reynolds with the chair a couple of times. Crete out to the floor and catapults LDW into the cage, and if Williams wasn't a bloody mess before, he sure is now. Crete back on the apron and Thim meets him. But Crete goes to the eyes and suplexes Thim off the apron and INTO THE CAGE in a sick spot. Crete grabs the chair again, but Williams grabs it on the backswing and drills Concrete. LDW rolls Crete into the ring and goes to work with consecutive Dragon suplexes. Williams looks for the DDT, but Crete drives him into the corner, then sets him up for a superplex. Crete goes up, but Reynolds hops up on the apron and nails Crete in the face with the chair. Williams comes off with a leg drop and makes the cover, but Reynolds PULLS HIM OFF! Thim wants to punish Crete some more apparently. Reynolds drags Concrete up and has some words for him. Crete can barely stand... but he snaps to, pulls Thim's legs from beneath him and looks for the SCAFFOLD~! Williams immediately busts that up. Williams beats Crete back to the ropes and goes for an Irish whip, but CTG reverses and whips Williams directly into Reynolds! Thim tumbles to the floor and Concrete cradles Williams. One, two, three! Williams is eliminated at 78:32, But Reynolds is right back in and WALLOPS Crete with the chair as he gets to his feet. Reynolds uses the chair again. Then again. And again. Thim drills Crete with the chair about 20 times. And if that ain't enough, he locks on the ADJUSTMENT~! Crete is out. He can't tap. He can't submit. He's been beaten unconscious with a steel chair. Senior official Sterling Glaw has no choice but to call for the bell at 80:22. WINNER: THIM REYNOLDS

Music pipes through the arena.
You never close your eyes, anymore when I kiss your lips…

Then, the sound of a record scratching and complete silence. At this point, Hardbody Harris enters and stands at the top of the stage and takes in a mixed shower of boos and cheers. An exhausted Thim passes by and he and Harris just look at one another for a moment before Thim walks through the curtain to the back. Then, a familiar guitar riff, followed by lyrics…

[/i]
Foxy…
Foxy…
You know you are a cute little heartbreaker (ha)
And you know you are sweet little love maker want to take you home
I won’t do you no harm…
You got to be all mine…
Ooh, Foxy Lady[/i]

Hardbody walks down the aisle, thrusting himself up and down like Garth from Wayne’s World and taking in the stunned reaction of the crowd. The tag title glistens of his crotch area; it’s not TRIK*D OWT yet. A couple fans throw paper at him, but they’re all in the upper bowl (because that’s where the people who think this shits actually real sit) and their tiny bombs fall on the spectators below. No one cares, though, because Hardbody, for the first time in months, is standing in the middle of the ring with a microphone. The music stops, and Harris speaks.

“You know, if you’re going to have a party, the first thing you need is some good music, and man, do I love Jimi Hendrix! Nothing says “bad guy” like Jimi.”

*He stops and inhales the boos.*

“Oh, that’s right, I’m a bad guy now. Isn’t that so unlike me? I went for almost two years being cheered everywhere I went. I won championships. I ate salami and honey mustard sandwiches. I casually inserted my penis into various OOWF female employees vaginas, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

*The crowd cheers a bit at this bit of nostalgia. Oh, they fall right into the trap.*

“And you know what? I’m still doing that. I have a belt around my waist. I have sandwich in my belly. And I have a Sexy Female Journalist in the ladies room just waiting to be walked in on. Don’t you see? I’m the same old Hardbody.”

*More cheers. Are these guys idiots?*

“Oh, wait, there’s one little change: I’m not Hardbody anymore. You see, when other guys do bad things, they say ‘all you people turned on me.’ I’m not dumb. You would never turn on me!”

Strongest cheers yet. Perhaps this will turn out well after all. Naw.

“So you know what I did? I turned on you! Nyah nyah nyah nyahnyah. I made you mad by doing something mean to a nice pers…dog, and then being friends with people you don’t like. And you know what I have to say about it? Thbbbbbbth!”

*Harris sticks out his tongue, and the audience doesn’t…do anything. They’re stunned at this ingenious revelation.*

“Oh, you don’t like that explanation? Well, how about this: I missed my BFF, Altrageous. Like good pink lemonade, you can’t pour good friends down the drain. We’re inseparable. Always have been. This was a plan all along, idiots. You think I’d actually ever REALLY be that stupid and lose a match? I mean, I’ve been gone for a long time and I’m still high up in the rankings. COME ON!”

*The crowd starts booing. Somebody audibly yells out “YOU ASSTARD!” from the 5th row.*

“Then there’s the rest of the 3 Piece Set. Some may have thought that I didn’t need a faction to be popular. Hell, I was rarely even in a tag team; I work solo. But you know what? Firechild and Cole, they’re different. They’re like—what’s the word? They’re like Outsiders. Yeah, that’s it. So I thought I’d join it, because it’s the best thing going, brother!”

*Louder boos and hisses erupt from the masses. They don’t like where this is going one bit.*

“As for Underdawg, he and I have had our battles since day one. I won the title at Hell on Earth last year, and he thought he could just go ahead and prance into my spot at the biggest PPV of the year. I think not. Too bad you couldn’t roll your eyes all the way to the back of your head, then maybe you could have seen that chair shot coming. BONG. BONG. BANG!” Hardbody mimics whacking UD with the chair, and the people in the stands are livid.

“So there you have it. You guys had nothing to do with it. You guys, who have supported me, bought my shirts, purchased locks of my chest hair, and screamed your little hearts out for me to win matches had no control over this. I turned on YOU. For Alt. For Cole. For Firechild. For ME.

*Fans nearly start rioting, throwing bottles, paper, small children, Gimmickmen, and Hardbody Giant Foam Penises toward the ring. HH avoids it all for his last thought.*

“I have a new group, a new title, some new music, and a new attitude. So, from this day forward, Hardbody Harris is no more. I feel a little more…big time. A little more…immortal. Say hello to the new #1 HEEL IN THE OOWF! Say hello to…HOLLYWOOD HARRIS!”

*People are so irate they begin punching themselves for no reason. Hendrix takes the new HH out of the ring and up the ramp. Harris leaves the ring to a chorus of boos. Walking up the aisle, he arrogantly snaps at some fans until he stops and stares. Someone is in the front row of the aisle wearing a brick red hooded cloak. His face is obscured by the cloak. They stare at each other for a bit, and then the cloaked figure slips behind some fans and disappears. Harris starts walking back cautiously with a confused look until he shakes it off and gives some more fans the bird.

<fade>

Thanks for coming out and watching LIVE OOWF action be sure to check out the OOWF Doomy Doomy Doom Doom PPV, Live October 29th from The Devil’s Tower, Wyoming! And don’t forget to catch next week’s OOWF MidWeek Mayhem October 4th, Live from Sublimity, Oregon!

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