MNF 20/Male Bag 3 (you get TWO votes!)
May 17, 2012 16:06:15 GMT -5
Post by Andy on May 17, 2012 16:06:15 GMT -5
Check out MNF 20 and Male Bag 3 under "Monday Night Flaw" on Flawedcast.net, iTunes and on Stitcher, the free podcast streaming app for your Droid or iPhone!
EMAILS:
Serpiente
Hola Señor Andy y Señor Chris.
Presentación de la Serpiente Enmascarada (The Masked Serpent).
Yo soy un fan de la "Monday Night Flaw".
Yo soy un fan de la WWE y Rey Mysterio y Tito Santana y Rosa Mendes y Juan Ceña.
Gracias a JB King, Stu, y las Notas Cliffs. Son toros gigantes.
Gracias Señor Andy y Señor Chris.
Alberto del Rio es un homosexual como Cam Gullet.
Si! Si! Si!
Cam Gullet se des nuda con burro!
Si! Si! Si!
Señor Chris: ¿Señorita Taco Bella? No. Señorita Double Decker Taco Supreme Bella!
Si! Si! Si!
Señor Andy: ¿Prefiere tacos o burritos?
No me gusta "Wait til next year". Es estúpido.
Fred y sus pesos. Uno, dos, tres ...
Nate es un chihuahua. PUNS CASA del COMO!!!
Buenas Noches,
El Serpiente Enmascarada!
Nicole
Hey Chris, I found a really nice photo of your dad.
Adam
COME ONE!... COME ALL!... TO THE 87th ANNUAL PUN'S HOUSE WRESTLING DRAFT!!!
What is the Pun's House Wrestling Draft, you ask? Well you're in luck, because I'm here to tell you! It's basically an amalgamation of 2 of the 3 things that Punsters and Onslaughters love most: Fantasy Sports Drafts and Fantasy Wrestling Booking. (In case you were wondering, the third is Stick Figure Animation.)
So how does this work? Well it's simple, really: you draft 40 wrestling figures from all of wrestling history as well as 1 wrestling venue to put together the best cards you can with the talent you draft.
You could try to draft both CM Punk & Daniel Bryan and have them headline every one of your cards.
Or you could try to set up some fantasy matchups that never happened for one reason or another, like Punk/Savage or Lesnar/Sammartino.
Or you could draft Hornswoggle, Dink, and other midget wrestlers. PUNSHOUSE.COM!!!
You could start a Fed of all Semites led by Goldberg & Barry Horowitz. FREDSHOUSE.JEW!!!
Or draft Damien Sandow to compete in nothing but "Loser Gets Shot" matches. TOMSHOUSE.AU!!!
Or a Fed of all bald wrestlers. ROGAINE.ALT!!!
You could go with a Fed led by Rob Conway & Natalya Neidhart. ROBS-HOUSE.FART!!!
Or have Jesse Ventura and Ultimate Warrior do nothing but cut promos on each other. GASTON.BARF!!!
Or a Fed headed up by President Ramu & Reid Flair. DEVS-BASEMENT.XXX!!!
You could even draft Tugboat #1 overall and surround him with other guys who have used a sailor theme and/or enjoy "big splashes". CAM.NAVY.HIV!!!
So come on over to PunsHouse.com and sign up before Thursday, May 31. Just click on "New Topics" and find "Discussion: Wrestling Draft 12". Hope to see you there!
Yours Insincerely,
Adam Danny Bonaduce (who is actually eligible to be drafted... Danny, not Adam)
Stu
Don't Call It A Comeback
Hey guys,
Great male bag last week. You actually did give me a theme song which involved bagpipes. Admittedly, I would have preferred the bag pipes version of "Voodoo Child", because I am the Hulk Hogan of this broadcast, and not just because of that sextape I put out with Cam Gullet's sister. Although I don't know how much longer my domination will go on as I got toppled by a worthy opponent. Congratulations Cliff. Now prepare to be destroyed. Commiserations to JB King for once again failing to win. I hope you get a win before you get so desperate you offer to suck Andy and Chris's dicks in exchange for one. Just make sure it's actually them and not Cam Gullet in disguise. Should be pretty easy to spot as his Chris disguise is an obvious bald cap, and a horribly misspelled "Gaemspot" uniform. His Andy costume takes a little more effort, as his fake beard is made of ginger pubes. Sorry about that. He wouldn't have gotten those if I hadn't insisted his sister shave before we filmed the sex tape. Also it wasn't really me in the video. It was Nate Corbitt in a mouse costume. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
I really shouldn't joke about that actually as the only reason he agreed to that is that he and Mrs. Corbitt are having problems. I understand she sleeps in the bed while he takes the sofa's cupholder. A bit of cotton wool in there though and it's fine. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
Devsop says I try too hard? Well I'm sorry I put a bit of effort into my passion, unlike you, chloroforming the first unattended five year old you can find. Yeah, that must be REAL exhausting(!)
Some bullet points from SmackDown this week rather than a full recap
-Bryan's treatment of AJ is good heel material, but I've got to ask why can't Punk show up on SmackDown to further the feud? Are they afraid to make the show actually compelling or something?
-Ryback takes on Heath Slater and delivers a beatdown not seen on a redhead since the last time Cam Gullet tried to stiff his pimp. He then continues to belt out his "FEED. ME. MORE!" catchphrase. I hope he got permission from Kelly Kelly before he borrowed it from her.
-Antonio Cesaro goes over Alex Riley, who got the jobber entrance, which is a shame as his music is the only memorable thing about...um...what's his name again? I'm still not seeing much to Cesaro's character with this ex-Rugby player gimmick. Hopefully, being Swiss, they'll spice it up by revealing he gets his fortune from Nazi Gold. Anyway, Cesaro wins the Taint Handle Slam. Maybe if Cam had let more people do that move to him, he wouldn't have had that problem with his pimp.
Nothing to say about the rest of the show, so onto Monday Night Raw!
-We open with HHH talking about Brock Lesnar. He's offended by the notion that Wrestling needs "legitimizing" by Lesnar. It's still real to him, dammit! Heyman interrupts and continues to be awesome, down to the "what are you doing? what are you doing" when HHH grabs him by the face.
-CM Punk and Santino Marella take on Daniel Bryan and Cody Rhodes. Odd pairings, explained by the fact that Santino and Cody are apparently feuding over whose title is less of an afterthought. Cody loses when he's such a pussy he runs away from the Cobra straight into a GTS.
-Beth Phoenix returns from her injury...but possibly not for long, because her first opponent is Alicia Fox! Fortunately she wins easily with no mishaps, as Layla looks on. A post match beating on Alicia brings Layla running down for a brief altercation. Jeez, between this feud and the one between Kofi-R Truth and Swagger-Ziggler, there sure is a lot of Blonde on Black violence in WWE lately. Should we be worried about an Aryan Brotherhood Faction forming soon?
-We also got the announcement of Zack Ryder vs. Kane as the Over The Limit Youtube pre-show match. Since it IS youtube, I'm hoping it'll be for the Internet Championship.
-Speaking of Kane, he takes on Big Show, as John Laurinaits and David "Bowties are Cool" Otunga watch from ringside. Cole says Laurinaitis is the modern Patton. Well, that's kinda true. He is going to die in a carwreck on Sunday. Laurinaitis distracts Big Show to give Kane the win via some sort of slam that involves a choke. But not a chokeslam. No fucking way was it one. After the match, Laurinaitis demands an apology from Big Show then later that he begs to keep his job. Then 4 hours later, he finally fires him, prompting Big Show to cry like a bitch. I guess we won't be getting a Knucklehead 2 then. Instead, because he already has the welder's mask, Kane gets a second shot at a starring role in a WWE Films remake of Flashdance!
-Cole and Lawler sit in sobering silence from this shocking termination...but fuck that shit, cos it's time for the Funkasaurus, because what better time to dance? Brodus teams up with Tyler Perry Presents a Tag Team vs. The Miz with Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler AKA The Jack Offs. In a SHOCKING TWIST Brodus Clay's team won.
-Backstage, CM Punk is talking to that guy with the cool entrance music, as AJ Lee interrupts them. CM Punk reminds the guy he owes him fifty bucks. Probably for letting him associate with Punk on tv. Punk excuses himself from AJ's advances. Not because she's creepy, but because he remembers commentating on the Divas season of NXT and he doesn't want any further association with that trainwreck.
-Chris Jericho faced Randy Orton one on while Sheamus provided guest commentary. Sadly, he didn't give us any random anecdotes about uncles or cousins having fights with leprechauns like he usually does, so what he said kinda just went in one ear and out the other. They also promoted Chris Jericho making the cover of Revolver. It's the world's loudest Rock magazine apparently, so I guess it justifies him wearing the world's loudest outfit on the front. Also, Cole says Randy Orton believes that "there are no accidents in WWE". I so want to make an Owen Hart joke here...
-Main event promo time, where John Laurinaitis is being predictably bland with his micwork before he's interrupted by John Cena, who decided to show him what bad promos were all about. His material was so awful, it briefly caused Adam Dan to go into remission. If it had lasted longer, we could have at least dressed him up as a little kid and used his Make-A-Wish to get John Cena to retire. This all basically adds up to Laurinaitis being informed his match with Cena will be basically no DQ and prohibit any WWE Superstar from interfering. If you didn't immediately see that as a loophole to allow Big Show or Brock Lesnar to interfere, then you're more blind than Moosehead Jack in a coal mine.
I'll end by asking your thoughts on something. I know they'd never do it because they'd lose too much money, but if WWE had an off-season, how would you like to see them do it? I'd personally have the season end with Wrestlemania, then start up again 6 weeks before Summerslam to kick the the season off proper. In between, they'd still run house shows, but without the pressures of having to constantly prepare for TV, they can maybe experiment more with the approach to some of the talent or give more of a chance to the guys who aren't getting showcased that much. They can always show highlights on wwe.com or their youtube channel, and tease what's to come when they return from the break. I'd also imagine a good chunk of the year without Raw or SmackDown would do wonders for getting viewers for the WWE Network, though for that to be around, this scenario would have to play out in the year 2043. Having Wrestlemania be the "season finale" ought to result in their being real closure to most of the storylines that go on till then, and rematches to the really good stuff would mean a lot more if held off till Summer rather than on a b-show Pay Per View. On the other hand, you could also do cliffhangers at the end of the season that could get picked up down the line. Here's a few examples:
The father of AJ's baby is...Maxine?
Jack Tunney--ALIVE?!
"But Daniel...there's real chicken in that soup!"
Kane's master is...Hornswoggle, who rides him around like they're Master Blaster from Mad Max 3.
"You're not the only Funkasaurus in captivity, Brodus. There Is...Another."
"Who shot J.R.?"
The possibilities are endless. Still a long shot, but that would be something I'd like to see.
Anyway that's me for this week, guys. Take care, Stu
P.S. You're always making fun of how WWE keeps repackaging TNA guys or their developmental talent with silly names and gimmicks. But you don't see this really happen with the Divas to the same extent do you? To redress this balance, I'm going to suggest a few changes for current Divas:
Beth Phoenix becomes Phyllis Bennett, whose gimmick is she's a disgruntled truckstop waitress. Say goodby to The Glam Slam and hello to Kiss My Grits.
Alicia Fox becomes Fifi Kingston, Kofi's long lost twin sister. Also Little Jimmy's birth-mother.
Natalya Neidhart becomes Haley Comet, Roller Derby pro. Alternatively- Nattie-Headed Ho, spunky white Canadian rap artist.
AJ Lee becomes Leia Jae, half american love-child of Kim Jong-Il.
Tamina Snuka becomes Tammy Whami. Pretty much the same character, only she's now Jimmy Snuka's neice instead of daughter. If watching wrestling has taught me anything, it's that all samoans are in some way related to Jimmy Snuka.
Any more?
Brian
So, in order to get the Intercontinental Title we have to slam Cam. Isn't that really useless since slamming Cam would be like throwing a marble down a manhole. And if anyone knows about manholes, it's Cameron Gullett. DORKS.COM!!! I actually shouldn't mock anyone since I'm going to be killed relentlessly soon enough, but I have to take the opening when there is one…just like the entire state of Arkansas took the opening of Cam's mom. YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER. I wonder how many times Cam has seen that scenario play out with his mom on Maury Povich. Reviews of which are coming soon to the flawedcast network on TV for Vendetta. Vendetta@flawedcast.net. Now let's get to the serious stuff…why is Nate such a midget? The world really wants to know. Did Cam's mom breastfeed him too much? Was he stepped on by Cam when he Cam protested the gay marriage ban in North Carolina? Inquiring minds want to know. Also, fuck Adam Dan and his cancer. He sucks.
To the actual wrestling question, with you both hating Impact and getting bored on an almost weekly basis with Smackdown and Raw have either of you considered branching out and searching for more wrestling. ROH's TV show I believe is uploaded on their site every Thursday. FCW is aired on youtube. Lots of indy companies are doing internet PPVs for $15.00 and I've never felt like it was a waste of money especially since you can watch it on demand and there are ways to get it to show on your tv. I guess my point is with the big two both having their major flaws, why not look for other shows to watch that you might actually enjoy?
DevilSoprano
Thom
Email? More like SHEMALE (am I right, Damien Sandow?)
Good afternoon, or whatever the fuck time it is there. All I know is that I am half asleep and TNA's on the TV so I'm writing this email to avoid watching it.
By the way, if Andy is reading this in a dodgy Australian accent, fuck you. It's accurate, but fuck you.
I was planning on writing an entire email of Damien Sandow insults, but my bank of material is running pretty short. PUNS HOUSE DOT COM!
Wrestling this week posed a lot of questions, and I'd like your help in figuring some of them out.
1. Why is Ryback's new gimmick spouting 3-4 word phrases, most of them not making much sense? SHARK SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS! ...don't dolphins kill sharks?! FEED ME MORE! ...steroids give you a hell of an appetite apparentely. I suggest we start making him spout advertisements. Since his matches run so short, I suggest PUNS HOUSE DOT COM!
2. Why has AJ suddenly gone all bitches be crazy? I haven't seen a female act that batshit insane since Andy went to a Justin Bieber concert and got front row.
3. Seriously, who the fuck is giving Damien Sandow airtime?
4. Who gave Paul Heyman his legal degree? He has as much history with correct legal dealings as I do with being funny, Andy does with paying his Flawedcast employees and Nate Corbitt does with a successful basketball career.
No but seriously, fuck Damien Sandow. You're welcome.
Cliff
So... how was YOUR week?
First of all, thanks to Andy for the vaguely familiar straight-up rock and roll theme music last week. I wasn't mocked with a flushing toilet or a song about touching a young kid, or a Diva's theme song. I see that you respect my mighty new talent that has quickly risen through the ranks. Let's keep rolling with that music.
Secondly, thanks also for quickly sending me the Emailer of the Week Heavyweight belt. The WWE superstars are correct; these things are a bitch to get through the airport. I find it fascinating that there are so many similarities between me holding this belt, and your having "Wait Til Next Year" on your network. Both just sit there and don't do anything, they are a burden to carry everywhere, there's all this paperwork tracking every single gem, jewel, and ounce of precious metals, and both are 16 inches tall. PUNS HOUSE DOT COM.
With my win last week, I am not only the champion, but I am the most Must-See Champion ever. *I* inspired 100 downloads of the Male Bag. *I* had the most total votes for an emailer of the week champion. And *I* also brought out more total voters to the polls than any other week. To further prove my popularity, I will get #CamGulletsMom trending by the end of this email. If you aren't convinced already, you'll soon see that it's in your best interests for you to use your influence to keep the title on me.
I'm sure Stu will come back recharged, but it's JB King that frightens me. He finally breaks through and soundly defeats Stu in the voting... but still fails to win the belt. So now he's back to square one, and he has me as another contender to worry about. His frustration and bitterness is probably off the charts. But furthermore, you guys mentioned that my win tied me with Nate with one win each. So to add insult to injury, JB King has entered Bizarro World as he is looking up at Nate, and trying to rise to Nate's level. I'm not sure how any human mind can respond to that scenario. JB is either going to unleash an epic pipe bomb that burns down everything in his path, or drink himself into a Scott Hall institutionalized oblivion. And that is why, dear listeners, I urge you to NOT vote for JB King this week. Keep his losing streak going, because his frustration will continue to provide further entertainment, and when he snaps, it will be epic.
While Stu had a worthy run as champion, his ego got in the way. He made ridiculous demands, and promptly lost his title. I want to use my power to work with you guys, and to improve the show. Andy and Chris, you've been good to me, so I want to return the favor. And maybe you guys can actually cast a vote this week - for me of course.
I'm proposing a new rule that can help both of us: In order to be eligible for emailer of the week, a listener must leave a 5-star comment on itunes for MNF, and it must be posted for at least 8 days. Last I checked, there are a grand total of 2 reviews on itunes. One of them is mine. I'm assuming Andy is the other one. Go ahead and look it up on iTunes right now, and feel free to read it to everyone. It's brief, I'll wait............................................... JB, Stu, the kid toucher, the aggressive homosexual, and the drunk emailer, if you can bang out a thousand words each week for emails, I think you can take two minutes to figure out how to leave a review on itunes. And the 8 day rule just helps keep everyone else but me ineligible for the title next week. So what do you think?
Next, I want to bring even more viewers to your show. So later in this email, I will be celebrating my win and my popularity with a Rated-R, Live Sex Act with Lita.
But let's take a second to properly review this historical achievement. A mid-card belt holder winning the World Title is certainly rare. The last time the WWE had a situation like this, it was with Rob Van Dam. He was holding the mid-card ECW belt and shocked the world by winning the world title from the entrenched John Cena. He then went on to... Uh oh. The next week, RVD was busted by the cops for driving with pot, and the following week, lost the World Title, the ECW title, and was suspended from WWE. RVD this past week headlined a boring second rate minor league show that nobody bothers with. So history is predicting that I will soon be banned from MNF and end up as the e-mailer of the week on a podcast hosted by Adam Dan.
Quickly moving on... I was preparing for a long run with the Intercontinental Title, but I understand that it's for the best that I surrender it. I'll always be able to say I was the first IC champ. And to Cam, I can see the smile on your face as you accept the belt, as I know you are comfortable with discarded sloppy seconds. I wish you a long title run of your own. If you can defend it for a few weeks, I'll send you a stack of unused "Honk-a-meter" jokes that I no longer need. But someday, you will lose the IC title, and the next champ will need to come up with a catchy name for measuring how to chase your record-setting run. He just can't call it a "Cam-Mom-meter," as that measures something completely different.
Well Andy and Chris, I think this is going to be an excellent business relationship moving forward. And now, to celebrate my record-breaking popularity, it is time for the Rated-R Live Sex Act with Lita. As the new champ, I am certainly deserving of having my entrance theme played twice (I'm sure I've heard this song before, it's killing me that I can't remember where). Andy, hit it:
Hey wait a minute. Stop the Music. That theme music... that's... that's Randy Orton's old intro. Dammit Andy. Here I go trying to align with you, and you troll me with your clever recycled music from my least favorite knuckle dragging ape.
The Live Sex Act is cancelled. Instead, it's time for round two of MNF's favorite new game "WWE Storyline, a current or future podcast on this network, or Cam Gullet fantasy".
Number 4: The star talent of the network, a well spoken guy whose name starts with 'C', has facial hair, and who proudly represents his ALTernative fanboy interests of Comics and/or Video games, gets dragged into a long-running program with a loud-mouthed windbag of an over-bearing owner. Answer: WWE Storyline and Flawedcast Show.
Number 5: The star talent of the network, a guy whose last name is a city in Texas, gets dragged into a long-running program with a loud-mouthed windbag of an over-bearing owner. Answer: WWE Storyline and Flawedcast Show.
Number 6: A loud-mouthed windbag of an over-bearing owner has no friends, so he decides to use his power to make his employees join a club by kissing his pimply white ass. Answer: All of the Above.
Number 7: A whorish cougar that has been tagged by half of the cast gets involved with another twentysomething and the couple sickens most people with boasts about their disgusting sex life. Answer: All of the above. And the title of that show on Flawedcast: The Cam-Mom-meter. And, yes, that joke also includes a reference to Cam Gullet fantasizing about his own mother's sex life.
Alright Andy. I've calmed down. I understand that the Randy Orton theme music was just a friendly joke between friends. I think we can agree that it's best to put this behind us, as nobody wants a 15 minute segment with the GM demanding his big superstar get on his knees in the center of the ring (except for Cam).
I will actually mention the current storylines of RAW or the PPV next week for your wrestling podcast, but this week the WWE didn't leave us with a whole lot this week. Still, the future looks very good, as three excellent programs are just beginning: Paul Heyman on TV, CM Punk-Daniel Bryan, and my championship reign.
Best Regards,
Cliffs Notes.
PS. #CamGulletsMom is now trending.
Cam
Now entering the email show, he is your NEW Intercontinental Champion, "Dashing" Cam Gullett!!
I feel like after all of the technical issues that Andy had to clean up for Army of Dorkness episode 2 this week that my title reign might be shorter than Nate Corbitt's pant legs (Punshouse.com!) so if I am going to go down then I am going down harder than Chris Alt's sister at an Affliction sponsored tailgate party. Red-headedSluts.com!
Seeing Antonio Caesaro's massive aeriolas on Smackdown this week made me wonder if Nikki Bella is going to miss having the only dinner plates ever made that were big enough to actually contain her daily allottment of whole deep fried turkeys. Butterball.com!
Also I was disappointed that WWE gave Maxine the week off but it is understandable considering that it was opening weekend for her one person re-enactment of "Guys and Dolls" FancyTranny.com!
After the way Raw followed up The Big's impression of a blubbering Tommy Dreamer I really can't wait for the next big wrestling death announcement to be followed up by something as equally out of place and that nobody is clamoring to see. Maybe Adam Dan's clean bill of health? AmericanCancerSociety.com!
Did John Cena use his first weekend without his dreadfully hideous wife to take in a Jim Carrey marathon? I understand his probable excitement to get away from that bandersnatch of a wife he had but goddamn could it have killed him to at least copied the guy's character from The Cable Guy rather than The Mask? If he tried any harder to make people laugh and was still that unsuccessful he would have to change his name to "Dashing" Cam Gullett. Army@flawedcast.net!
That's all I have for you guys this week. I have to report back for guard duty at the Army of Dorkness ranch, not to be confused with the Tv for Vendetta ranch which is actually just Dev's house where he hangs out in a bathrobe that says "Petting Zoo" on the back. DevSop.com!
JB King
Thanks for the theme song last week, a toilet flush? I always wanted to hear the sound clip of Cams birth/ failed abortion. ADD THAT TO THE LIST! So just wanted to say first off congratulations to Cliff Notes. Enjoy your victory and keep bringing the heat don’t go the way of Stu and get too cocky. Just remember, you know you wrote something good when Chris reads emails by giggling like a school girl who is reading someones diary or Andy who sounds like a 5 year old reading a fucking mad-lib where almost every word is cock. Too wordy? Fuck it. While Im not the emailer of the week I still feel justified knowing I almost made Chris throw up after my Kid Rock reference from last week. Pun of the week? I think so! Im also trying to get into other podcasts you have but I am just having trouble finding people to listen to it with. Just last week I asked Junior Seau to listen to Cams podcast but he decided to take the easy way out. Speaking of suicide, with all the hate Nate Corbitt gets, im sure hes one short joke away from taking 4 baby asprin and joining Owen Hart and Gary Coleman in midget afterlife. (PUNSHOUSE.COM)
Speaking of health issues, I ask Chris why he would hang out with Cam? It just seems strange you would hang out with a guy with so many health problems. Because as we found out from this weeks Monday Night Flaw, Cam takes his AIDS like he take his dicks, doubling down! (CAMSMOUTH.CUM) Seriously Chris why don’t you just get it over with and drink of cup of Magic Johnsons blood. Im sure it has the same effect of receiving a high five from Cam for so many years.
Holy shit drifting off a bit, that’s your guys’ department! ONTO THE QUESTIONS!
Question1. It seems that the women of the WWE appreciate workrate. Brie Bella is dating Daniel Bryan and Nikki Bella is dating Dolph Ziggler. Or maybe its because Dolphs hair looks like a cup of Ramen noodles and Nikki was hungry. So while the Daniel enjoys a different kind of Brie cheese and the Ken doll that rag dolls enjoys his slab of angus beef, John Cenas wife files for divorce. I guess Seabuscuit has Cena Nuff too. Just wanted your thoughts if this means John will be taking time off to get shit straightened out or will forge ahead on the road. Also if infidelity is involved how badly will WWE cover it up or try to make an angle out of it?
Question2. What real life moments would you like to see Brodus Clay dance in to help ease the tension? From Zack Ryder breaking his back to Big Show being fired on monday, Brodus Clay has a tendency to help cheer everyone up in the most awkward of timing. Where was he back in 1999 when Owen died? Maybe he could do this outside of wrestling. Like when a boss is firing an employee then brings out Brodus Clay to help cheer everyone else up.
Jim Im sorry were going to have to let you go
No…why Ive been here for 18 years (sob sob sob)
FUNK IS ON A ROLL FUNK IS ON ROLL!
As the Funkasauraus and the ladies come out and dance/grind there asses on office furniture. And if the employee goes postal, Brodus can just yell out SHHHEEEEE and t-bone suplex them out the office window. That’s just one scenario, what do you guys have?
Not really a Question 3. I know Chris thinks Big Show will come back as the person to predict the outcome between John Cena and John Laurenitis. But I think he should come back rocking a blue lucha mask and pants being Sin Cara Gigante. They can even change his them music to Spanish lyrics.
BUEENNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BUENO ES BIG SHOOOOOOOOWWWW!
And I think it would be hilarious seeing big show trying to do a trampoline spot only to get as far up as Edges slide in entrance. Or maybe he can do a run in saving Hornswoggle, goes for the trampoline spot and jumps over Hornswaggle making a Free Willy tribute spot. Its not too out of the realm considering a Large white guy is suppose to be Japanese, a Samonan being a Mexican and a Puerto Rican trying to be a asian anime geek. What you thought AJ was 13 year old asian? I can see Bryan Van Amberalert going to Wikipedia and crying over this announcement. Thoughts?
PS. Thanks Andy for giving me the myth of having 3 extra fingers. Its quite a trick knowing you can masturbate and finger your own ass with one hand. Octohand Johnny, yeah that’ll bring in the emails. I’d tell you to blow it out of your ass but I know Robconway87 is hungry. (ROBSHOUSE.FART) And Chris, I still haven’t received a question from you for Gamer and Proud but thanks for sending me a pic of your dick. Gotta say though Im mildly disappointed. Manscape bro! It looked like a Acorn fighting its way out of an afro. Amazingly he shave off the first layer so Andy could make his awesome beard he has going. Whoops wrong kind of pandering...why did I let John “Kenny Powers” Meradeth write this joke for me. Shit now I gotta get out of here and leave the state for that one, thankfully Nate Corbitt can get me great travel deals for being the Little Lawn Gnome from Travelocity. (PUNSHOUSE.COM)
Love Peace and penis grease.
Johnny
Dustin
Hello MNF!
Recently I saw a story on the dirtsheets saying that McMahon was looking for the next face of the company. I don't buy that story as anything special, because the WWE is probably always looking for that next face of the company, and faces of the company (with the exception of Hogan) aren't manufactured by the WWE: They grow from a place you least expect it (The Ringmaster and Rocky Maivia come to mind). However, it did get me thinking: is the "next" face of the company someone who is currently employed, or is he someone we've never heard of? I don't count Punk, Bryan or Sheamus because they are already in their 30s. Perhaps someone like Ziggler if given a new personality?
Other short thoughts.
• I missed Raw on Monday night, but apparently it sucked. How many horrible consecutive RAWs would you have to see for you to voluntarily skip it?
• I'm thinking of Bryan and Punk having an iron-man match at Summerslam. Do you think this kind of match with these two would be better or worse than Hart-Michaels?
• TNA sucks and it's TV-14. Is the TV-PG rating really that bad, or does the crappy writing make it seem like a scapegoat?
• Speaking of writing, most of the time when I complain about RAW, it's not because of the actual characters, but the storylines they're put into. I was trying to think of another show on TV where I really loved the characters but the actual writing sucked, and the closest I could come was Gilligans Island. Any other suggestions.
That's all for now.
- dustin
P.S. Andy should REALLY think about creating a Nickelback cover band. They'd be better than the real thing.
Jon
I would rather jam a unicycle up my ass than associate with Cam. I mean seriously, what the fuck kind of drugs did his mom ingest? Did she mistakenly grab the children's tylenol instead of RU-486? If I was Cam, every time I looked in the mirror, I'd think my life would have been better had I been a rape baby.
Just joking (I think). Speaking of rape babies, why all the short jokes about Nate? Can you please show him the tiniest bit of respect?
As far as RAW goes, Big Show crying symbolized all that was wrong about pro wrestling nowadays. Think Andre the Giant or Bob Backlund would cry about losing their job? Think Stone Cold would be crying? Fuck no. They'd march up there and kick the shit out of whoever got in their way. But that's what we get when McMahon's bitchy wife runs for the Senate. Oh we gotta make life simple for the children. God forbid they see anyone stand up for themselves. I mean shit, when I was a kid if I saw Paul Wight crying in the middle of the ring, I'd laugh my ass off and NEVER cheer for the guy again.
What a dick.
You two are the shits. Keep up the funny show.
EMAILS:
Serpiente
Hola Señor Andy y Señor Chris.
Presentación de la Serpiente Enmascarada (The Masked Serpent).
Yo soy un fan de la "Monday Night Flaw".
Yo soy un fan de la WWE y Rey Mysterio y Tito Santana y Rosa Mendes y Juan Ceña.
Gracias a JB King, Stu, y las Notas Cliffs. Son toros gigantes.
Gracias Señor Andy y Señor Chris.
Alberto del Rio es un homosexual como Cam Gullet.
Si! Si! Si!
Cam Gullet se des nuda con burro!
Si! Si! Si!
Señor Chris: ¿Señorita Taco Bella? No. Señorita Double Decker Taco Supreme Bella!
Si! Si! Si!
Señor Andy: ¿Prefiere tacos o burritos?
No me gusta "Wait til next year". Es estúpido.
Fred y sus pesos. Uno, dos, tres ...
Nate es un chihuahua. PUNS CASA del COMO!!!
Buenas Noches,
El Serpiente Enmascarada!
Nicole
Hey Chris, I found a really nice photo of your dad.
Adam
COME ONE!... COME ALL!... TO THE 87th ANNUAL PUN'S HOUSE WRESTLING DRAFT!!!
What is the Pun's House Wrestling Draft, you ask? Well you're in luck, because I'm here to tell you! It's basically an amalgamation of 2 of the 3 things that Punsters and Onslaughters love most: Fantasy Sports Drafts and Fantasy Wrestling Booking. (In case you were wondering, the third is Stick Figure Animation.)
So how does this work? Well it's simple, really: you draft 40 wrestling figures from all of wrestling history as well as 1 wrestling venue to put together the best cards you can with the talent you draft.
You could try to draft both CM Punk & Daniel Bryan and have them headline every one of your cards.
Or you could try to set up some fantasy matchups that never happened for one reason or another, like Punk/Savage or Lesnar/Sammartino.
Or you could draft Hornswoggle, Dink, and other midget wrestlers. PUNSHOUSE.COM!!!
You could start a Fed of all Semites led by Goldberg & Barry Horowitz. FREDSHOUSE.JEW!!!
Or draft Damien Sandow to compete in nothing but "Loser Gets Shot" matches. TOMSHOUSE.AU!!!
Or a Fed of all bald wrestlers. ROGAINE.ALT!!!
You could go with a Fed led by Rob Conway & Natalya Neidhart. ROBS-HOUSE.FART!!!
Or have Jesse Ventura and Ultimate Warrior do nothing but cut promos on each other. GASTON.BARF!!!
Or a Fed headed up by President Ramu & Reid Flair. DEVS-BASEMENT.XXX!!!
You could even draft Tugboat #1 overall and surround him with other guys who have used a sailor theme and/or enjoy "big splashes". CAM.NAVY.HIV!!!
So come on over to PunsHouse.com and sign up before Thursday, May 31. Just click on "New Topics" and find "Discussion: Wrestling Draft 12". Hope to see you there!
Yours Insincerely,
Adam Danny Bonaduce (who is actually eligible to be drafted... Danny, not Adam)
Stu
Don't Call It A Comeback
Hey guys,
Great male bag last week. You actually did give me a theme song which involved bagpipes. Admittedly, I would have preferred the bag pipes version of "Voodoo Child", because I am the Hulk Hogan of this broadcast, and not just because of that sextape I put out with Cam Gullet's sister. Although I don't know how much longer my domination will go on as I got toppled by a worthy opponent. Congratulations Cliff. Now prepare to be destroyed. Commiserations to JB King for once again failing to win. I hope you get a win before you get so desperate you offer to suck Andy and Chris's dicks in exchange for one. Just make sure it's actually them and not Cam Gullet in disguise. Should be pretty easy to spot as his Chris disguise is an obvious bald cap, and a horribly misspelled "Gaemspot" uniform. His Andy costume takes a little more effort, as his fake beard is made of ginger pubes. Sorry about that. He wouldn't have gotten those if I hadn't insisted his sister shave before we filmed the sex tape. Also it wasn't really me in the video. It was Nate Corbitt in a mouse costume. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
I really shouldn't joke about that actually as the only reason he agreed to that is that he and Mrs. Corbitt are having problems. I understand she sleeps in the bed while he takes the sofa's cupholder. A bit of cotton wool in there though and it's fine. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
Devsop says I try too hard? Well I'm sorry I put a bit of effort into my passion, unlike you, chloroforming the first unattended five year old you can find. Yeah, that must be REAL exhausting(!)
Some bullet points from SmackDown this week rather than a full recap
-Bryan's treatment of AJ is good heel material, but I've got to ask why can't Punk show up on SmackDown to further the feud? Are they afraid to make the show actually compelling or something?
-Ryback takes on Heath Slater and delivers a beatdown not seen on a redhead since the last time Cam Gullet tried to stiff his pimp. He then continues to belt out his "FEED. ME. MORE!" catchphrase. I hope he got permission from Kelly Kelly before he borrowed it from her.
-Antonio Cesaro goes over Alex Riley, who got the jobber entrance, which is a shame as his music is the only memorable thing about...um...what's his name again? I'm still not seeing much to Cesaro's character with this ex-Rugby player gimmick. Hopefully, being Swiss, they'll spice it up by revealing he gets his fortune from Nazi Gold. Anyway, Cesaro wins the Taint Handle Slam. Maybe if Cam had let more people do that move to him, he wouldn't have had that problem with his pimp.
Nothing to say about the rest of the show, so onto Monday Night Raw!
-We open with HHH talking about Brock Lesnar. He's offended by the notion that Wrestling needs "legitimizing" by Lesnar. It's still real to him, dammit! Heyman interrupts and continues to be awesome, down to the "what are you doing? what are you doing" when HHH grabs him by the face.
-CM Punk and Santino Marella take on Daniel Bryan and Cody Rhodes. Odd pairings, explained by the fact that Santino and Cody are apparently feuding over whose title is less of an afterthought. Cody loses when he's such a pussy he runs away from the Cobra straight into a GTS.
-Beth Phoenix returns from her injury...but possibly not for long, because her first opponent is Alicia Fox! Fortunately she wins easily with no mishaps, as Layla looks on. A post match beating on Alicia brings Layla running down for a brief altercation. Jeez, between this feud and the one between Kofi-R Truth and Swagger-Ziggler, there sure is a lot of Blonde on Black violence in WWE lately. Should we be worried about an Aryan Brotherhood Faction forming soon?
-We also got the announcement of Zack Ryder vs. Kane as the Over The Limit Youtube pre-show match. Since it IS youtube, I'm hoping it'll be for the Internet Championship.
-Speaking of Kane, he takes on Big Show, as John Laurinaits and David "Bowties are Cool" Otunga watch from ringside. Cole says Laurinaitis is the modern Patton. Well, that's kinda true. He is going to die in a carwreck on Sunday. Laurinaitis distracts Big Show to give Kane the win via some sort of slam that involves a choke. But not a chokeslam. No fucking way was it one. After the match, Laurinaitis demands an apology from Big Show then later that he begs to keep his job. Then 4 hours later, he finally fires him, prompting Big Show to cry like a bitch. I guess we won't be getting a Knucklehead 2 then. Instead, because he already has the welder's mask, Kane gets a second shot at a starring role in a WWE Films remake of Flashdance!
-Cole and Lawler sit in sobering silence from this shocking termination...but fuck that shit, cos it's time for the Funkasaurus, because what better time to dance? Brodus teams up with Tyler Perry Presents a Tag Team vs. The Miz with Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler AKA The Jack Offs. In a SHOCKING TWIST Brodus Clay's team won.
-Backstage, CM Punk is talking to that guy with the cool entrance music, as AJ Lee interrupts them. CM Punk reminds the guy he owes him fifty bucks. Probably for letting him associate with Punk on tv. Punk excuses himself from AJ's advances. Not because she's creepy, but because he remembers commentating on the Divas season of NXT and he doesn't want any further association with that trainwreck.
-Chris Jericho faced Randy Orton one on while Sheamus provided guest commentary. Sadly, he didn't give us any random anecdotes about uncles or cousins having fights with leprechauns like he usually does, so what he said kinda just went in one ear and out the other. They also promoted Chris Jericho making the cover of Revolver. It's the world's loudest Rock magazine apparently, so I guess it justifies him wearing the world's loudest outfit on the front. Also, Cole says Randy Orton believes that "there are no accidents in WWE". I so want to make an Owen Hart joke here...
-Main event promo time, where John Laurinaitis is being predictably bland with his micwork before he's interrupted by John Cena, who decided to show him what bad promos were all about. His material was so awful, it briefly caused Adam Dan to go into remission. If it had lasted longer, we could have at least dressed him up as a little kid and used his Make-A-Wish to get John Cena to retire. This all basically adds up to Laurinaitis being informed his match with Cena will be basically no DQ and prohibit any WWE Superstar from interfering. If you didn't immediately see that as a loophole to allow Big Show or Brock Lesnar to interfere, then you're more blind than Moosehead Jack in a coal mine.
I'll end by asking your thoughts on something. I know they'd never do it because they'd lose too much money, but if WWE had an off-season, how would you like to see them do it? I'd personally have the season end with Wrestlemania, then start up again 6 weeks before Summerslam to kick the the season off proper. In between, they'd still run house shows, but without the pressures of having to constantly prepare for TV, they can maybe experiment more with the approach to some of the talent or give more of a chance to the guys who aren't getting showcased that much. They can always show highlights on wwe.com or their youtube channel, and tease what's to come when they return from the break. I'd also imagine a good chunk of the year without Raw or SmackDown would do wonders for getting viewers for the WWE Network, though for that to be around, this scenario would have to play out in the year 2043. Having Wrestlemania be the "season finale" ought to result in their being real closure to most of the storylines that go on till then, and rematches to the really good stuff would mean a lot more if held off till Summer rather than on a b-show Pay Per View. On the other hand, you could also do cliffhangers at the end of the season that could get picked up down the line. Here's a few examples:
The father of AJ's baby is...Maxine?
Jack Tunney--ALIVE?!
"But Daniel...there's real chicken in that soup!"
Kane's master is...Hornswoggle, who rides him around like they're Master Blaster from Mad Max 3.
"You're not the only Funkasaurus in captivity, Brodus. There Is...Another."
"Who shot J.R.?"
The possibilities are endless. Still a long shot, but that would be something I'd like to see.
Anyway that's me for this week, guys. Take care, Stu
P.S. You're always making fun of how WWE keeps repackaging TNA guys or their developmental talent with silly names and gimmicks. But you don't see this really happen with the Divas to the same extent do you? To redress this balance, I'm going to suggest a few changes for current Divas:
Beth Phoenix becomes Phyllis Bennett, whose gimmick is she's a disgruntled truckstop waitress. Say goodby to The Glam Slam and hello to Kiss My Grits.
Alicia Fox becomes Fifi Kingston, Kofi's long lost twin sister. Also Little Jimmy's birth-mother.
Natalya Neidhart becomes Haley Comet, Roller Derby pro. Alternatively- Nattie-Headed Ho, spunky white Canadian rap artist.
AJ Lee becomes Leia Jae, half american love-child of Kim Jong-Il.
Tamina Snuka becomes Tammy Whami. Pretty much the same character, only she's now Jimmy Snuka's neice instead of daughter. If watching wrestling has taught me anything, it's that all samoans are in some way related to Jimmy Snuka.
Any more?
Brian
So, in order to get the Intercontinental Title we have to slam Cam. Isn't that really useless since slamming Cam would be like throwing a marble down a manhole. And if anyone knows about manholes, it's Cameron Gullett. DORKS.COM!!! I actually shouldn't mock anyone since I'm going to be killed relentlessly soon enough, but I have to take the opening when there is one…just like the entire state of Arkansas took the opening of Cam's mom. YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER. I wonder how many times Cam has seen that scenario play out with his mom on Maury Povich. Reviews of which are coming soon to the flawedcast network on TV for Vendetta. Vendetta@flawedcast.net. Now let's get to the serious stuff…why is Nate such a midget? The world really wants to know. Did Cam's mom breastfeed him too much? Was he stepped on by Cam when he Cam protested the gay marriage ban in North Carolina? Inquiring minds want to know. Also, fuck Adam Dan and his cancer. He sucks.
To the actual wrestling question, with you both hating Impact and getting bored on an almost weekly basis with Smackdown and Raw have either of you considered branching out and searching for more wrestling. ROH's TV show I believe is uploaded on their site every Thursday. FCW is aired on youtube. Lots of indy companies are doing internet PPVs for $15.00 and I've never felt like it was a waste of money especially since you can watch it on demand and there are ways to get it to show on your tv. I guess my point is with the big two both having their major flaws, why not look for other shows to watch that you might actually enjoy?
DevilSoprano
Thom
Email? More like SHEMALE (am I right, Damien Sandow?)
Good afternoon, or whatever the fuck time it is there. All I know is that I am half asleep and TNA's on the TV so I'm writing this email to avoid watching it.
By the way, if Andy is reading this in a dodgy Australian accent, fuck you. It's accurate, but fuck you.
I was planning on writing an entire email of Damien Sandow insults, but my bank of material is running pretty short. PUNS HOUSE DOT COM!
Wrestling this week posed a lot of questions, and I'd like your help in figuring some of them out.
1. Why is Ryback's new gimmick spouting 3-4 word phrases, most of them not making much sense? SHARK SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS! ...don't dolphins kill sharks?! FEED ME MORE! ...steroids give you a hell of an appetite apparentely. I suggest we start making him spout advertisements. Since his matches run so short, I suggest PUNS HOUSE DOT COM!
2. Why has AJ suddenly gone all bitches be crazy? I haven't seen a female act that batshit insane since Andy went to a Justin Bieber concert and got front row.
3. Seriously, who the fuck is giving Damien Sandow airtime?
4. Who gave Paul Heyman his legal degree? He has as much history with correct legal dealings as I do with being funny, Andy does with paying his Flawedcast employees and Nate Corbitt does with a successful basketball career.
No but seriously, fuck Damien Sandow. You're welcome.
Cliff
So... how was YOUR week?
First of all, thanks to Andy for the vaguely familiar straight-up rock and roll theme music last week. I wasn't mocked with a flushing toilet or a song about touching a young kid, or a Diva's theme song. I see that you respect my mighty new talent that has quickly risen through the ranks. Let's keep rolling with that music.
Secondly, thanks also for quickly sending me the Emailer of the Week Heavyweight belt. The WWE superstars are correct; these things are a bitch to get through the airport. I find it fascinating that there are so many similarities between me holding this belt, and your having "Wait Til Next Year" on your network. Both just sit there and don't do anything, they are a burden to carry everywhere, there's all this paperwork tracking every single gem, jewel, and ounce of precious metals, and both are 16 inches tall. PUNS HOUSE DOT COM.
With my win last week, I am not only the champion, but I am the most Must-See Champion ever. *I* inspired 100 downloads of the Male Bag. *I* had the most total votes for an emailer of the week champion. And *I* also brought out more total voters to the polls than any other week. To further prove my popularity, I will get #CamGulletsMom trending by the end of this email. If you aren't convinced already, you'll soon see that it's in your best interests for you to use your influence to keep the title on me.
I'm sure Stu will come back recharged, but it's JB King that frightens me. He finally breaks through and soundly defeats Stu in the voting... but still fails to win the belt. So now he's back to square one, and he has me as another contender to worry about. His frustration and bitterness is probably off the charts. But furthermore, you guys mentioned that my win tied me with Nate with one win each. So to add insult to injury, JB King has entered Bizarro World as he is looking up at Nate, and trying to rise to Nate's level. I'm not sure how any human mind can respond to that scenario. JB is either going to unleash an epic pipe bomb that burns down everything in his path, or drink himself into a Scott Hall institutionalized oblivion. And that is why, dear listeners, I urge you to NOT vote for JB King this week. Keep his losing streak going, because his frustration will continue to provide further entertainment, and when he snaps, it will be epic.
While Stu had a worthy run as champion, his ego got in the way. He made ridiculous demands, and promptly lost his title. I want to use my power to work with you guys, and to improve the show. Andy and Chris, you've been good to me, so I want to return the favor. And maybe you guys can actually cast a vote this week - for me of course.
I'm proposing a new rule that can help both of us: In order to be eligible for emailer of the week, a listener must leave a 5-star comment on itunes for MNF, and it must be posted for at least 8 days. Last I checked, there are a grand total of 2 reviews on itunes. One of them is mine. I'm assuming Andy is the other one. Go ahead and look it up on iTunes right now, and feel free to read it to everyone. It's brief, I'll wait............................................... JB, Stu, the kid toucher, the aggressive homosexual, and the drunk emailer, if you can bang out a thousand words each week for emails, I think you can take two minutes to figure out how to leave a review on itunes. And the 8 day rule just helps keep everyone else but me ineligible for the title next week. So what do you think?
Next, I want to bring even more viewers to your show. So later in this email, I will be celebrating my win and my popularity with a Rated-R, Live Sex Act with Lita.
But let's take a second to properly review this historical achievement. A mid-card belt holder winning the World Title is certainly rare. The last time the WWE had a situation like this, it was with Rob Van Dam. He was holding the mid-card ECW belt and shocked the world by winning the world title from the entrenched John Cena. He then went on to... Uh oh. The next week, RVD was busted by the cops for driving with pot, and the following week, lost the World Title, the ECW title, and was suspended from WWE. RVD this past week headlined a boring second rate minor league show that nobody bothers with. So history is predicting that I will soon be banned from MNF and end up as the e-mailer of the week on a podcast hosted by Adam Dan.
Quickly moving on... I was preparing for a long run with the Intercontinental Title, but I understand that it's for the best that I surrender it. I'll always be able to say I was the first IC champ. And to Cam, I can see the smile on your face as you accept the belt, as I know you are comfortable with discarded sloppy seconds. I wish you a long title run of your own. If you can defend it for a few weeks, I'll send you a stack of unused "Honk-a-meter" jokes that I no longer need. But someday, you will lose the IC title, and the next champ will need to come up with a catchy name for measuring how to chase your record-setting run. He just can't call it a "Cam-Mom-meter," as that measures something completely different.
Well Andy and Chris, I think this is going to be an excellent business relationship moving forward. And now, to celebrate my record-breaking popularity, it is time for the Rated-R Live Sex Act with Lita. As the new champ, I am certainly deserving of having my entrance theme played twice (I'm sure I've heard this song before, it's killing me that I can't remember where). Andy, hit it:
Hey wait a minute. Stop the Music. That theme music... that's... that's Randy Orton's old intro. Dammit Andy. Here I go trying to align with you, and you troll me with your clever recycled music from my least favorite knuckle dragging ape.
The Live Sex Act is cancelled. Instead, it's time for round two of MNF's favorite new game "WWE Storyline, a current or future podcast on this network, or Cam Gullet fantasy".
Number 4: The star talent of the network, a well spoken guy whose name starts with 'C', has facial hair, and who proudly represents his ALTernative fanboy interests of Comics and/or Video games, gets dragged into a long-running program with a loud-mouthed windbag of an over-bearing owner. Answer: WWE Storyline and Flawedcast Show.
Number 5: The star talent of the network, a guy whose last name is a city in Texas, gets dragged into a long-running program with a loud-mouthed windbag of an over-bearing owner. Answer: WWE Storyline and Flawedcast Show.
Number 6: A loud-mouthed windbag of an over-bearing owner has no friends, so he decides to use his power to make his employees join a club by kissing his pimply white ass. Answer: All of the Above.
Number 7: A whorish cougar that has been tagged by half of the cast gets involved with another twentysomething and the couple sickens most people with boasts about their disgusting sex life. Answer: All of the above. And the title of that show on Flawedcast: The Cam-Mom-meter. And, yes, that joke also includes a reference to Cam Gullet fantasizing about his own mother's sex life.
Alright Andy. I've calmed down. I understand that the Randy Orton theme music was just a friendly joke between friends. I think we can agree that it's best to put this behind us, as nobody wants a 15 minute segment with the GM demanding his big superstar get on his knees in the center of the ring (except for Cam).
I will actually mention the current storylines of RAW or the PPV next week for your wrestling podcast, but this week the WWE didn't leave us with a whole lot this week. Still, the future looks very good, as three excellent programs are just beginning: Paul Heyman on TV, CM Punk-Daniel Bryan, and my championship reign.
Best Regards,
Cliffs Notes.
PS. #CamGulletsMom is now trending.
Cam
Now entering the email show, he is your NEW Intercontinental Champion, "Dashing" Cam Gullett!!
I feel like after all of the technical issues that Andy had to clean up for Army of Dorkness episode 2 this week that my title reign might be shorter than Nate Corbitt's pant legs (Punshouse.com!) so if I am going to go down then I am going down harder than Chris Alt's sister at an Affliction sponsored tailgate party. Red-headedSluts.com!
Seeing Antonio Caesaro's massive aeriolas on Smackdown this week made me wonder if Nikki Bella is going to miss having the only dinner plates ever made that were big enough to actually contain her daily allottment of whole deep fried turkeys. Butterball.com!
Also I was disappointed that WWE gave Maxine the week off but it is understandable considering that it was opening weekend for her one person re-enactment of "Guys and Dolls" FancyTranny.com!
After the way Raw followed up The Big's impression of a blubbering Tommy Dreamer I really can't wait for the next big wrestling death announcement to be followed up by something as equally out of place and that nobody is clamoring to see. Maybe Adam Dan's clean bill of health? AmericanCancerSociety.com!
Did John Cena use his first weekend without his dreadfully hideous wife to take in a Jim Carrey marathon? I understand his probable excitement to get away from that bandersnatch of a wife he had but goddamn could it have killed him to at least copied the guy's character from The Cable Guy rather than The Mask? If he tried any harder to make people laugh and was still that unsuccessful he would have to change his name to "Dashing" Cam Gullett. Army@flawedcast.net!
That's all I have for you guys this week. I have to report back for guard duty at the Army of Dorkness ranch, not to be confused with the Tv for Vendetta ranch which is actually just Dev's house where he hangs out in a bathrobe that says "Petting Zoo" on the back. DevSop.com!
JB King
Thanks for the theme song last week, a toilet flush? I always wanted to hear the sound clip of Cams birth/ failed abortion. ADD THAT TO THE LIST! So just wanted to say first off congratulations to Cliff Notes. Enjoy your victory and keep bringing the heat don’t go the way of Stu and get too cocky. Just remember, you know you wrote something good when Chris reads emails by giggling like a school girl who is reading someones diary or Andy who sounds like a 5 year old reading a fucking mad-lib where almost every word is cock. Too wordy? Fuck it. While Im not the emailer of the week I still feel justified knowing I almost made Chris throw up after my Kid Rock reference from last week. Pun of the week? I think so! Im also trying to get into other podcasts you have but I am just having trouble finding people to listen to it with. Just last week I asked Junior Seau to listen to Cams podcast but he decided to take the easy way out. Speaking of suicide, with all the hate Nate Corbitt gets, im sure hes one short joke away from taking 4 baby asprin and joining Owen Hart and Gary Coleman in midget afterlife. (PUNSHOUSE.COM)
Speaking of health issues, I ask Chris why he would hang out with Cam? It just seems strange you would hang out with a guy with so many health problems. Because as we found out from this weeks Monday Night Flaw, Cam takes his AIDS like he take his dicks, doubling down! (CAMSMOUTH.CUM) Seriously Chris why don’t you just get it over with and drink of cup of Magic Johnsons blood. Im sure it has the same effect of receiving a high five from Cam for so many years.
Holy shit drifting off a bit, that’s your guys’ department! ONTO THE QUESTIONS!
Question1. It seems that the women of the WWE appreciate workrate. Brie Bella is dating Daniel Bryan and Nikki Bella is dating Dolph Ziggler. Or maybe its because Dolphs hair looks like a cup of Ramen noodles and Nikki was hungry. So while the Daniel enjoys a different kind of Brie cheese and the Ken doll that rag dolls enjoys his slab of angus beef, John Cenas wife files for divorce. I guess Seabuscuit has Cena Nuff too. Just wanted your thoughts if this means John will be taking time off to get shit straightened out or will forge ahead on the road. Also if infidelity is involved how badly will WWE cover it up or try to make an angle out of it?
Question2. What real life moments would you like to see Brodus Clay dance in to help ease the tension? From Zack Ryder breaking his back to Big Show being fired on monday, Brodus Clay has a tendency to help cheer everyone up in the most awkward of timing. Where was he back in 1999 when Owen died? Maybe he could do this outside of wrestling. Like when a boss is firing an employee then brings out Brodus Clay to help cheer everyone else up.
Jim Im sorry were going to have to let you go
No…why Ive been here for 18 years (sob sob sob)
FUNK IS ON A ROLL FUNK IS ON ROLL!
As the Funkasauraus and the ladies come out and dance/grind there asses on office furniture. And if the employee goes postal, Brodus can just yell out SHHHEEEEE and t-bone suplex them out the office window. That’s just one scenario, what do you guys have?
Not really a Question 3. I know Chris thinks Big Show will come back as the person to predict the outcome between John Cena and John Laurenitis. But I think he should come back rocking a blue lucha mask and pants being Sin Cara Gigante. They can even change his them music to Spanish lyrics.
BUEENNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BUENO ES BIG SHOOOOOOOOWWWW!
And I think it would be hilarious seeing big show trying to do a trampoline spot only to get as far up as Edges slide in entrance. Or maybe he can do a run in saving Hornswoggle, goes for the trampoline spot and jumps over Hornswaggle making a Free Willy tribute spot. Its not too out of the realm considering a Large white guy is suppose to be Japanese, a Samonan being a Mexican and a Puerto Rican trying to be a asian anime geek. What you thought AJ was 13 year old asian? I can see Bryan Van Amberalert going to Wikipedia and crying over this announcement. Thoughts?
PS. Thanks Andy for giving me the myth of having 3 extra fingers. Its quite a trick knowing you can masturbate and finger your own ass with one hand. Octohand Johnny, yeah that’ll bring in the emails. I’d tell you to blow it out of your ass but I know Robconway87 is hungry. (ROBSHOUSE.FART) And Chris, I still haven’t received a question from you for Gamer and Proud but thanks for sending me a pic of your dick. Gotta say though Im mildly disappointed. Manscape bro! It looked like a Acorn fighting its way out of an afro. Amazingly he shave off the first layer so Andy could make his awesome beard he has going. Whoops wrong kind of pandering...why did I let John “Kenny Powers” Meradeth write this joke for me. Shit now I gotta get out of here and leave the state for that one, thankfully Nate Corbitt can get me great travel deals for being the Little Lawn Gnome from Travelocity. (PUNSHOUSE.COM)
Love Peace and penis grease.
Johnny
Dustin
Hello MNF!
Recently I saw a story on the dirtsheets saying that McMahon was looking for the next face of the company. I don't buy that story as anything special, because the WWE is probably always looking for that next face of the company, and faces of the company (with the exception of Hogan) aren't manufactured by the WWE: They grow from a place you least expect it (The Ringmaster and Rocky Maivia come to mind). However, it did get me thinking: is the "next" face of the company someone who is currently employed, or is he someone we've never heard of? I don't count Punk, Bryan or Sheamus because they are already in their 30s. Perhaps someone like Ziggler if given a new personality?
Other short thoughts.
• I missed Raw on Monday night, but apparently it sucked. How many horrible consecutive RAWs would you have to see for you to voluntarily skip it?
• I'm thinking of Bryan and Punk having an iron-man match at Summerslam. Do you think this kind of match with these two would be better or worse than Hart-Michaels?
• TNA sucks and it's TV-14. Is the TV-PG rating really that bad, or does the crappy writing make it seem like a scapegoat?
• Speaking of writing, most of the time when I complain about RAW, it's not because of the actual characters, but the storylines they're put into. I was trying to think of another show on TV where I really loved the characters but the actual writing sucked, and the closest I could come was Gilligans Island. Any other suggestions.
That's all for now.
- dustin
P.S. Andy should REALLY think about creating a Nickelback cover band. They'd be better than the real thing.
Jon
I would rather jam a unicycle up my ass than associate with Cam. I mean seriously, what the fuck kind of drugs did his mom ingest? Did she mistakenly grab the children's tylenol instead of RU-486? If I was Cam, every time I looked in the mirror, I'd think my life would have been better had I been a rape baby.
Just joking (I think). Speaking of rape babies, why all the short jokes about Nate? Can you please show him the tiniest bit of respect?
As far as RAW goes, Big Show crying symbolized all that was wrong about pro wrestling nowadays. Think Andre the Giant or Bob Backlund would cry about losing their job? Think Stone Cold would be crying? Fuck no. They'd march up there and kick the shit out of whoever got in their way. But that's what we get when McMahon's bitchy wife runs for the Senate. Oh we gotta make life simple for the children. God forbid they see anyone stand up for themselves. I mean shit, when I was a kid if I saw Paul Wight crying in the middle of the ring, I'd laugh my ass off and NEVER cheer for the guy again.
What a dick.
You two are the shits. Keep up the funny show.
