MNF 34/Male Bag 17
Aug 23, 2012 14:15:52 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Aug 23, 2012 14:15:52 GMT -5
Check out Monday Night Flaw 34 and Male Bag 17 on iTunes, Stitcher or www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw then come back here and vote for two of these animals.
Austin Sanders
Sigh...Stupid stipulations.
SUP FAGGOTS!
So I just got done listening to this weeks MNF. I also just heard Cam said
he wants to fuck me. Well I got a few words for Cam
Gull-ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I totally forgot my stipulation for Cam
beating me at king of the ring didn't I. I should probably hold on to my
word.
WELL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! And after that you wont hear from me....
But...you can hear me the week after that. YAY!
XOXOXOXXO
TheTallOne
PS. Stu, I heard through the grape vine you said nice things about me,
However I couldn't hear you over the sound of your family leaving you.
They left you and there's nothing you can do about it.
My catchphrase. Get your own.
James Enright
Chris's Medical Records
Good afternoon MNF and Male Bag people-
As my job as a Paralegal, I am responsible for obtaining medical records
and evidence to help our clients' cases. Unfortunately, the medical
records departments of the clinics and hospitals we request records from
make mistakes. Such a mistake happened today and it involves Chris Alt.
Unfortunately, Chris's medical records were released to me on accident.
Embarrassing. In the interest of his confidentiality I have attached one
of the visits for this doctors' office to this email. I sincerely hope you
DO NOT read this doctor visit report over the air on the Male Bag. I
certainly DO NOT intend on reading this report tonight on Wait Til Next
Year staring Nate Corbitt, Fred Solomon and myself. That would be a major
violation if I did read this report over the air tonight and I WILL NOT
read this TONIGHT on WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR.
Yours truly,
James "Army" Enright
Western Pennsylvania Proctology and Colorectal Surgery Group
Mckees Rocks, PA
8/20/2012
Chris Alt presents to this office again today complaining of a foreign object stuck in his rectum. Chris is
well known to this author as he has been seen here on numerous occasions and lately weekly for the past
four months. Last night he and his life partner (Cam) were engaged in intimate contact when the object
they were using became lodged in what they believed to be his rectum. From previous visits, objects have
been retrieved from the rectum or colon.
Chris was prepped and positioned on the exam table in the knee-chest position. I was able to easily
penetrate Chris’s anus and rectum without any sort of effort and without the use of any sort of lubrication.
On initial inspection, the object was not present in the anus or rectum. Chris still complained about
feeling it “down below” so it was decided to perform an abdominal x-ray to view where this object was
located.
I quickly reviewed Chris’s abdominal x-ray and several objects were viewed in his duodenum. Chris was
re-positioned in the knee-chest position, his anus and rectum were easily penetrated and this was well
tolerated by Chris. I passed through Chris’s large intestine and passed into his small intestine with further
ease and without synthetic lubricants. Upon arriving in Chris’s duodenum the objects were located and
removed. The objects that were removed were: 2 phallic devices (a foot-long black one and a 3 inch
yellow one), a Steelers football helmet, a Nintendo Zapper, a mannequin’s fist, and a book entitled “Bus
Driving for Dummies.” These items were returned to Chris. After the removal procedure, Chris reported
that he felt relief.
Chris has been advised to avoid any sort of rectal penetration for at least two weeks to allow for healing
of his small and large intestines. He confessed that his friend was visiting again from Nevada and that it
would be hard to avoid that sort of contact but I urged him that he needed to heal and his intestinal tract
needs the rest. I prescribed him 500 MG of Tylenol #3 and advised him to contact this office should he
feel any discomfort.
Stuart Little, MD
Proctology/ Colorectal Surgery
D: 8/20/2012, 8:45 AM
T: 8/20/2012, 2:17 PM
Jon Drouin
Male Bag
Chris and Andy,
Last week, for the first time in years, I turned on Smackdown.
Alberto Del Rio kicked off the show, and was quickly joined by Chris Jericho. And after some classic Jericho insults, you'll never believe what happened.
Jericho cut a promo in Spanish!
I turned it off.
Have a good week,
Jon Drouin
PS... Thumbs Up to having Cam on your show on Monday!
PPS.... Thumbs Up to Trout!
PPPS... Hey Stuart Little... you're a Blootered Bampot Bufter Wee Jessie on the Bingo Bus.
Cam Gullett
James Enright? More like James EnRIGHT Gay Guy! What? I already used that
one? Well nobody has ever stopped James Enright from reusing a buffet plate
so I think I'm safe.
I come here not to praise Stu Little but to legitimately rape every orifice
of his tiny little mouse body.
My tag team partner, The Golden Voice James Ryan, is heavyweight champion
once again! I don't see either of those Offensive Foul queers winning
titles. That's right Brad & Paul; we comin' for you nigga!!
Hey Enright, remember that time that "Dashing" Cam Gullett made it to the
King of the King tournament, but your snaggletooth fat fuck face got beaten
worse than cancer?
What do Stu Little and his fellow Scotsman, Drew McIntyre have in common?
Their both gay. Super gay. Trust me, it takes one to know one.
The best tweet I have possibly ever seen in my life was CM Punk tweeting
out "I did it for Kaufman" after this week's kick to King's head.
Speaking of a kick to King's head; school started back up this week for a
lot of kids. Must bring back some rough memories there Jon-Boy.
Brock Lesnar is going away and never coming back? I guess he subscribes to
the Mayan belief that we won't make it to Wrestlemania 29?
My fantasy booking for the coming months and PPVs is that Dolph Ziggler
gets into a program with Orton that keeps him busy and therefore not
worried about cashing in the MITB briefcase until the night of the Royal
Rumble and then Y2J comes back at the Rumble to win and then set up a
star-making Wrestlemania 29 match between Dolph and Y2J. It will probably
never happen, and I am not actually trying to imply that I enjoy Orton
because his glow tan leaves my face looking like a mess.
As always, "Dashing" Cam Gullett, cohost of the wildly popular Army of
Dorkness!!
Stu Little
Patty Officer James Enright
Hey guys.
Wow, just when I thought I couldn't achieve any more in this business, I claim the Intercontinental Championship, and become a Grand Slam Champion. I can retire happy now.
Before I get to further business, I'd like to give my thoughts on the recently debuted Demko's Dungeon. Specifically how I feel like I was a victim of false advertising. Given the promos for the show that have been running on this very programme, I was expecting Andy's appearance to involve Demko tying him up, and subjecting him to all sorts of S&M practices, such as whipping, spanking, nipple clamps etc. but instead, you guys did something totally GAY! I seriously hope that the Doctor Who podcast delivers much more on what it promises, even if barely anyone will listen to it. Not even Cam Gullett, who's had a number of adventures in blue boxes over the years, though instead of a TARDIS, his was a portapotty with a waist-high hole drilled into it.
Congratulations to James Ryan for being the victor in what can only be described as the most titanic bout of the ages. The Steamboat/Savage of Male Bag Matchups. Shame on you Andy Gaston for not giving THAT exchange the slow clap, because I got out of my chair and gave it a ten minute standing ovation. It will be truly hard to follow that.
In much more serious news...James Enright. You had some unkind words for me due to my assessment of you for the King of the Ring qualifiers. I feel you completely misinterpreted what I said. When I called you a "Gomer Pyle wannabe fatty", I wasn't calling you fat with the comparison. I mean, I was with the "fatty", but that was mostly just for exclamation. See, I was talking about Gomer Pyle from the Andy Griffith Show(I got the reference from the Simpsons, if you're wondering), not the guy from Full Metal Jacket. I wasn't calling you fat, but simple-minded, you retard!
James Enright? More like...durrrr...I can't think of anything, because I'm James Enright...Durrr!!
I didn't pick the Full Metal Jacket Pyle because
1. That's a character from a Movie, and I wanted Chris to get the joke
and
2. I would actually be INTIMIDATED by that guy
Thanks for the additional information you gave me about yourself too, by the way. You've got crooked teeth? Is that from sucking all those generals dicks in order to get your bronze star?
And an Iraq veteran? The only reason you went to Iraq was because you heard about Saddam's stockpile of "Yellowcake", and didn't know it was a type of uranium.
#NoBloodForOliveOil
I will also decline your offer to suck your dick, sir, because even if I was so inclined, I doubt I could find it, given you're a self-confessed micro-phallus.
Okay, onto a few things from the past week of WWE I'd like to mention.
On SmackDown-
-Y2J revealed he can speak spanish, I guess because he'd only just heard about Cliff ripping off his gimmick all that time and wanted to get some payback.
-Regal guest appeared as the classiest looking garbageman ever, and said that he used to be "The Most Powerfull Entity in WWE", because apparently being the Raw General Manager is a lot like winning The Prize from Highlander.
-Jericho took on Alberto Del Rio FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER~! and sadly, Y2J might as well change the name of his finisher to The Border Fence of Jericho, for all the good it did him against this mexican.
-Summerslam began with a video package that featured the line "when all you value in life is threatened" over a shot of Shawn Michaels being hugged by HHH. #LetsGetReadyToSuckIt?
-Jericho vs. Ziggler was a really good outing, only ruined by the cliche of Useless Abdominal Bandages That Might As Well Have "Weak Spot" Written On Them
-Bryan's match with Kane was good, but nothing you wouldn't have seen them do on a Raw or SmackDown. Good to see Bryan win though, even if the match did end the same way as a James Enright striptease, with a small package.
-Miz and Mysterio was fine, though I could have done without the extended closeup of Miz's face afterwards, which is just begging for a Brazzers logo to be stuck over it.
-I can't believe they played the Tout of the Prime Time Players saying they were "Live and In Colour". I think you'll find the proper expression is "Live and African American". That AW was clearly a bad influence on them.
-The thing I noticed about the Kevin Rudolf performance was that once again the Divas were trotted out to be props, with no consideration given towards them as individual characters with their own alignments or friendships or rivalries with each other. We had Eve and Kaitlyn out there for instance. Either WWE just doesn't give a crap, or the music of Kevin Rudolf breaks down all barriers, if only for a few minutes.
The only thing I have to add about Raw was yes, David Otunga got put into a match because AJ didn't like him using the word "crazy", but I doubt you guys saw the WWE.com exclusive video of him trying to worm his way out of it by offering her legal advice on getting a zoning permit for her bush. Suffice it to say, it just made things worse.
That's it for another week guys. Before I go, I'd like to leave a youtube link for a free two and half hour long PeePeeVee from Insane Championship Wrestling, the local Glasgow promotion I mention from time to time in my e-mails. They've made it free in an effort to raise their profile and encourage spreading of the video, and sadly, this show is the widest audience available to me. So if you're curious about the product or just want to see some scotsmen beat the shit out of each other in a nightclub, give it a look. It's actually not half bad, workrate wise, and there's two extreme style matches, one of which is "Scottish Rules", which involves stopping ever couple of minutes for the participants to have a drink.
Take care everyone
Stu
James Ryan
The Return of the Champ
Greetings MNFers, and once more, I'm the King of Kings! Hell, if
Brock can steal that nickname from HHH, why not me? I'd like to thank
everyone who voted for me in the extremely close King of the Ring
battle between myself and Nate.
Got a few things for you guys to discuss:
1. Is it just me or are the WWE trying to not so subtly put shades of
gray on most of the Main Eventers? Sheamus is flat out a ginger
dickhead and laughing about winning under dubious means. ADR is
getting the same stuff done to him that he's done since he arrived on
the scene, but he's preaching to the choir about how unjustly he's
being treated. CM Punk is walking the heel or face line. Good guys
are bad, Bad guys are good, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living
together...mass hysteria!!!
They are trying to get wrestlers with shades of gray, but they the
results are shades of terrible. Is this some sort of master plan from
the creative staff or just some experiment going horribly wrong and
they'll sweep it under the rug in a few months?
2. I absolutely love that they went with Paul Heyman to be Brock's
mouthpiece since the beginning of his return. I could listen to him
preach for hours. However, how gay was him saying "Brocktagon"? Oh
and I loved how Heyman mentioned when he was behind the announce desk
that he rocked the shit out of it and that Lawler can eat shit and
Cole needs to kill himself, and only himself, "Bowden Style."
3. David Otunga should never, EVER be on my television screen without
facial hair. That is some weird looking mutha-fucker! Grow your
goatee back, you Cosby sweater wearing awful acting Blipster.*
*Black Hipster
4. James Enright and your Bronze Star. Congratulations on receiving
the fourth-highest combat award of the U.S. Armed Forces and the ninth
highest military award overall. That's one more award than I have and
most of the listeners. Thank you for your service to our country.
One Question? How long did it take for you to realize that there
wasn't chocolate under the bronze?
Have a great show,
James Ryan
The Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network and 3 Time Male Bag
Champion and Chillin in the Glory Hole with Gaston
Dustin Faber
My God, I am broken in half!
I've been looking forward to this King of the Ring tournament for a while
now. With two championship reigns, I felt confident enough to sling crude
insults in my quest to be the best MNF emailer in the world! I studied
everyone's emails closely, looking for holes. I listened to the meanest
stand-up comedians like Louis C.K., Jackie Martling and Sam Kinison to gain
some inspiration.
And then my body fell apart.
While running one day, I was laughing so hard at Andy's appearance on
Demko's Dungeon (available on the Flawedcast network) that I fell over and
tore my quad! Then my iPod skipped to one of J.B. King's emails, and my
eardrums were ruptured due to his assertion that my favorite band is Creed.
Seriously, Creed? Mark Tremoni's guitar-work is the only reason I listen to
that band. Scott Stapp is crap, and I'm insulted that you even thought for
a moment that I'd be the kind of guy who liked Creed. Five stars for pure
stupidity.
Andy, Chris, I am an injured, beat-up man. A shell of my former self. I
won't be able to compete in KOTR this year. Instead of just letting my
opponent walk away with a win, I am selecting a replacement. Jon Druin. You
seem like a swell guy, very kind and happy go-lucky. But deep down, I know
you have a mean funny bone. Deep down, I sense that you are the bilingual
kind of guy that can rise to the top. I know that you have the capability
of a five-time MNF champion.
I believe in you Jon Druin. I know that you will create the kind of email
that this podcast so desperately needs.
Love,
Your Straight-Edge friend,
Dustin Faber
Adam Dan
There Can Be Only One
Revered Sir Bellfield,
I have drawn your substandard being as my next casualty on the journey to
secure my rightful crown as the inaugural Monday Night Flaw “King of the
Ring”. I would generally refrain from exerting too much energy on
simpletons such as yourself, but because the masses insist, I shall grace
you with an iterative categorization of my superiority in hopes of
eliciting some cachinnation from our abderian friend, Sir Alt.
1) I was a 3-time regional spelling champion. You pride yourself on
your adoxography, but your word formation is more difficult to navigate
than AJ Lee’s pubic region. #ItsAVeritableForestDownThere
2) I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Economics from an esteemed American
university. You have a degree in eternal bachelorhood, you revolting
troglodyte. If Earth was ever visited by an alien race, I would commit
Seppuku (or “harakiri”) out of my dishonor of sharing species
categorization with you.
3) I have a Master’s Degree in Industrial Engineering from that same
prestigious university. You have mastered making the entirety of the
civilized world question the American education system, you illiterate
dullard. Your life narrative could only be truthfully portrayed by that
retarded fellow who played Corky on “Life Goes On.”
4) My phallus is a glorious and immaculately crafted instrument of
orgasmic generosity. Your phallus is as miniscule as Sir Corbitt’s little
finger and as misshapen as Sir Enright’s smile. #ZigzagPinkyDick
5) I had the intestinal fortitude to defeat cancer. You repeatedly
succumb to canker sores from the herpes-laden penises you take pleasure in
fellating. Please kill yourself.
6) I have traveled the world and engaged in witty banter and repartee
with the native citizens of myriad territories. You have traveled to
various wharfs and engaged in bestial acts with myriad canines and
marsupials. It transpired… and no effort on your part can alter its
existence.
7) I frequently partake in the fine liquors and spirits this world has
to offer. You frequently partake in the semen of the ginger bear, Cameron
Gullet. Your daily thirst for testosterone can only be placated by his dewy
essence.
I feel I need continue no more on this path of detailing my unambiguous
superiority to you, Sir Bellfield. I wash my hands of you, and I wish you
well in your future endeavors in your more attainable aspirations of
becoming “King of the Twinks”.
Good Day, Sir.
-Master Gator
Postscript
Sir Enright,
I remain in contention for the King of the Ring, while you remain in
contention for the King of the Golden Corral.
NEENER NEENER NEENER! YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR WEINER!
Good Day, Sir.
-Master Gator
JB King
JB KING and the"Make a Wish' Foundation visit Adam Dan
Ladies and Gentlemen
Please welcome
The only living
Breathing
Romping Stomping
CUNT-A-SAURAS
In captivity
Here is JB King!!!
…
Cuntateers, puts your clams together for the lovely Andy and Chrissy
The Cuntadactyls!
Thanks bitches now let’s get it started, or retarded whichever. Summer Slam
has come and gone and I can’t wait to go next year. I’m sorry if you didn’t
see my signs this year but they got confiscated. Apparently having a sign
that says “AJ Lee has a massive bush” and “Way to knock it out of the park
there Jackson Andrews” didn’t fly with customs. Probably because I’m black
or something. Anyway that didn’t stop me from starting a “Kobe Bryant”
chant during the Prime Time Players match. You’re welcome.
Afterwards I decided to go to the zoo the next day. I was listening to our
recent male bag when I was walking through the monkey exhibit. Sure enough
I was on the ‘pink eye’ joke from last week and decided to put my phone on
speaker for the monkeys to listen to. The next 3 minutes I could not
believe. The monkeys became agitated. They were soon gnashing their own
teeth and slamming their fists on the cages. And I think one of them was
aggressively masturbating in front of a bush. So I’ve come to the
conclusion of Chris Alt’s famous monkey howls. For monkeys it’s like
listening to the Creep Show.
With this amazing achievement, surely this was the week I won right? No?
James won? Well shit. I guess it’s hard not to vote for a guy who is using
MNF’s favorite go to joke Nate Corbitt (Sorry Cam). You’ve bested Nate. And
as you can tell he really tried last week. I’m sure Nate’s excuse for his
pathetic email is like his excuse for not exercising; his heart couldn’t
handle the pressure. And good job on winning the second “Rack’em” Award
from Chris. Or as he likes to put it, the ‘first’. Way to remember Aaron
Gaston there Jerry Lawler. But what can I say good job and congratulations
to James. And thank you again for enjoying my work. However, I’m sad to say
that I did not do the Troy/AJ 69 joke. That was the other Jon you asshole.
I don’t ask for much but how the hell did you get me mixed up with “new”
guy you creepy Jack Black looking stunt double. I mean I don’t get you
mixed up with a guy with your same first name on here do I? You fat Staff
Sgt. Piece of shit! Anyway I’m glad we cleared that up.
Dear Andy, please don’t let that Canadian ‘Ray Ramano’ sounding douchebag
Scott Taylor read his own impact recaps again. It was like watching a
Special Olympics 4x400 relay. I was laughing at first but then I just felt
bad after the first 3 minutes. Yeah, you heard me fuck you Kermit. By the
way I had no idea BINGO games were making you racist. That could explain
why Nana Alt is so strange around coloreds. She must be a league Bingo
champ or something.
Austin Sanders, I hope to hear from you again soon because I miss the
non-sensible horseshit that flies out of your sperm dumpster you call a
mouth. And congrats on being Monday Night Flaw’s favorite new meme. It
happened, and there’s nothing you can do about it. See you next week brah.
Cam Gullet
(Car Crash sound effect)
…and punchline.
Stu Little. So I guess you won your first intercontinental title eh? I’m
not sure if it’s because Andy forgot what an insult was or because he just
wanted a fresh target this week. In any case welcome to midcard bitch! I
could go on a rant and bury you miserably, but I’m not. You see, I already
know there is no fucking way James Enright is NOT going to win the
intercontinental title this week. He won’t even have to mention you to get
it. He’s that good…and fat.
Speaking of Jaba the Hut…James Enright. What’s wrong? In case you haven’t
noticed we make fun of EVERYONE here on male bag. I’d ask what’s your
‘beef’ but I don’t want to give you a hunger hard on. I’m sure you have
enough stress in your life worrying about losing your foot to diabetes but
don’t let this show get to you. If people mock you or make fun of you for
being 400 pounds…who cares! People still think I’m legitimately retarded
and they still vote for me…sometimes. And just remember fat means flavor,
and anyone with THAT much fat has to be able to bring A LOT of flavor to
the Flawedcast network. I’d tell you to ‘suck it up’ but instead I’ll say
‘suck it in’. Just remember, while you struggle with your belt extender
just remember you brought this upon yourself you fat piece of shit. Every
time I see you smile I remind myself to go fix my fence. Hey Look! A bad
teeth reference instead of fat joke! Yay!
P.S. Andy, James has been training with Petey Williams and can now do a
piledriver called the “Canadian Bacon Destoryer” So add that to the list.
Well I think we’ve chewed the fat long enough so let’s get to the questions
shall we?
Questions One: You tapped out! You tapped out! Wow, listen to the standing
ovation from the WWE Universe! Fuck you Jerry Lawler. In case you didn’t
notice from Summerslam the crowd decided to shit on Triple H for the slow
match. But in Jerry’s world, it’s a different story. Where will this end? I
made a small list of things that are happening hypothetically and you tell
me how Jerry Lawler would respond.
1. Sheamus stabs a heel
2. John Cena does a low blow
3. Vickie Guerrero dies
4. Kharma has a miscarriage
5. Kofi drunk drives over an infant
6. Chris Benoit murders his family
Question Two: A question for Chris since this is a wrestling videogame
question and you are the resident gaming expert of the Flawedcast Network
(fuck you John Merideth) . No Andy, it’s not about Portal 2 but let me just
say double fuck you to Chris for not playing and finishing that game yet.
It’s phenomenal. Stop playing Lego Batman and play that shit. Anyway, the
one thing I’ve always noticed on WWE games recently is the superstar’s
stats. I understand they are under ‘kayfabe’ circumstances and they are not
THAT accurate but I always found it fascinating on how some superstars rise
or fall in stats tremendously over the years. The Miz went from a 78
overall to a 90 in one year. Randy Orton went from 70 to 88 in 2005 and so
on. Who do you expect to have the biggest push and drops in stats? Also,
just kidding Andy go ahead and answer.
And now onto my King of Ring opponent. I didn’t want to deal with him at
first and that’s not just because he is probably contagious, but because I
just wanted to earn a win on the merit of writing a good email regardless.
But Andy said the ‘Make a Wish’ Foundation wanted me to go see him. So if I
can make one mutant’s day better than why not. I had no idea you wanted me
that bad. Andy said you asked for me specifically. Well, that or Andy was
just yanking me to make fun of you. Fuck it.
Adam Dan, it looks like we have crossed paths yet again. I remember our
first dispute. You helped me win my first Intercontinental Title. I have
gone on to more accolades and you have gone on to your very own podcast.
Well except this week. Andy did a nice job though. I would say we have
both grown as individuals but I know the Chemo has whittled your bones to
tooth picks. But despite God’s plan you beat cancer. And all it cost you
was your immune system, sarcasm, your taste in football teams and most of
your sperm. Thankfully you were smart enough to shove a Game Genie up your
ass and use the infinite sperm code in order to make a child. And now, you
have a child soon to care for (calm down Bryan). I wish the best for you
and your Milano colored miracle.
But this is where your path ends my friend. Because the only way to get
through me is like the only way your wife lets you use the computer, and
that’s with our permission. Permission Denied sir. I am not here to grant
wishes. I am here to win the king of the ring. Now smile for the camera so
I can let you jerk off to your Tebow poster. It will be our little secret.
Simple and clean, I hope you are happy Andy.
Love, Peace and Penis Grease.
Johnny
Austin Sanders
Sigh...Stupid stipulations.
SUP FAGGOTS!
So I just got done listening to this weeks MNF. I also just heard Cam said
he wants to fuck me. Well I got a few words for Cam
Gull-ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I totally forgot my stipulation for Cam
beating me at king of the ring didn't I. I should probably hold on to my
word.
WELL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! And after that you wont hear from me....
But...you can hear me the week after that. YAY!
XOXOXOXXO
TheTallOne
PS. Stu, I heard through the grape vine you said nice things about me,
However I couldn't hear you over the sound of your family leaving you.
They left you and there's nothing you can do about it.
My catchphrase. Get your own.
James Enright
Chris's Medical Records
Good afternoon MNF and Male Bag people-
As my job as a Paralegal, I am responsible for obtaining medical records
and evidence to help our clients' cases. Unfortunately, the medical
records departments of the clinics and hospitals we request records from
make mistakes. Such a mistake happened today and it involves Chris Alt.
Unfortunately, Chris's medical records were released to me on accident.
Embarrassing. In the interest of his confidentiality I have attached one
of the visits for this doctors' office to this email. I sincerely hope you
DO NOT read this doctor visit report over the air on the Male Bag. I
certainly DO NOT intend on reading this report tonight on Wait Til Next
Year staring Nate Corbitt, Fred Solomon and myself. That would be a major
violation if I did read this report over the air tonight and I WILL NOT
read this TONIGHT on WAIT TIL NEXT YEAR.
Yours truly,
James "Army" Enright
Western Pennsylvania Proctology and Colorectal Surgery Group
Mckees Rocks, PA
8/20/2012
Chris Alt presents to this office again today complaining of a foreign object stuck in his rectum. Chris is
well known to this author as he has been seen here on numerous occasions and lately weekly for the past
four months. Last night he and his life partner (Cam) were engaged in intimate contact when the object
they were using became lodged in what they believed to be his rectum. From previous visits, objects have
been retrieved from the rectum or colon.
Chris was prepped and positioned on the exam table in the knee-chest position. I was able to easily
penetrate Chris’s anus and rectum without any sort of effort and without the use of any sort of lubrication.
On initial inspection, the object was not present in the anus or rectum. Chris still complained about
feeling it “down below” so it was decided to perform an abdominal x-ray to view where this object was
located.
I quickly reviewed Chris’s abdominal x-ray and several objects were viewed in his duodenum. Chris was
re-positioned in the knee-chest position, his anus and rectum were easily penetrated and this was well
tolerated by Chris. I passed through Chris’s large intestine and passed into his small intestine with further
ease and without synthetic lubricants. Upon arriving in Chris’s duodenum the objects were located and
removed. The objects that were removed were: 2 phallic devices (a foot-long black one and a 3 inch
yellow one), a Steelers football helmet, a Nintendo Zapper, a mannequin’s fist, and a book entitled “Bus
Driving for Dummies.” These items were returned to Chris. After the removal procedure, Chris reported
that he felt relief.
Chris has been advised to avoid any sort of rectal penetration for at least two weeks to allow for healing
of his small and large intestines. He confessed that his friend was visiting again from Nevada and that it
would be hard to avoid that sort of contact but I urged him that he needed to heal and his intestinal tract
needs the rest. I prescribed him 500 MG of Tylenol #3 and advised him to contact this office should he
feel any discomfort.
Stuart Little, MD
Proctology/ Colorectal Surgery
D: 8/20/2012, 8:45 AM
T: 8/20/2012, 2:17 PM
Jon Drouin
Male Bag
Chris and Andy,
Last week, for the first time in years, I turned on Smackdown.
Alberto Del Rio kicked off the show, and was quickly joined by Chris Jericho. And after some classic Jericho insults, you'll never believe what happened.
Jericho cut a promo in Spanish!
I turned it off.
Have a good week,
Jon Drouin
PS... Thumbs Up to having Cam on your show on Monday!
PPS.... Thumbs Up to Trout!
PPPS... Hey Stuart Little... you're a Blootered Bampot Bufter Wee Jessie on the Bingo Bus.
Cam Gullett
James Enright? More like James EnRIGHT Gay Guy! What? I already used that
one? Well nobody has ever stopped James Enright from reusing a buffet plate
so I think I'm safe.
I come here not to praise Stu Little but to legitimately rape every orifice
of his tiny little mouse body.
My tag team partner, The Golden Voice James Ryan, is heavyweight champion
once again! I don't see either of those Offensive Foul queers winning
titles. That's right Brad & Paul; we comin' for you nigga!!
Hey Enright, remember that time that "Dashing" Cam Gullett made it to the
King of the King tournament, but your snaggletooth fat fuck face got beaten
worse than cancer?
What do Stu Little and his fellow Scotsman, Drew McIntyre have in common?
Their both gay. Super gay. Trust me, it takes one to know one.
The best tweet I have possibly ever seen in my life was CM Punk tweeting
out "I did it for Kaufman" after this week's kick to King's head.
Speaking of a kick to King's head; school started back up this week for a
lot of kids. Must bring back some rough memories there Jon-Boy.
Brock Lesnar is going away and never coming back? I guess he subscribes to
the Mayan belief that we won't make it to Wrestlemania 29?
My fantasy booking for the coming months and PPVs is that Dolph Ziggler
gets into a program with Orton that keeps him busy and therefore not
worried about cashing in the MITB briefcase until the night of the Royal
Rumble and then Y2J comes back at the Rumble to win and then set up a
star-making Wrestlemania 29 match between Dolph and Y2J. It will probably
never happen, and I am not actually trying to imply that I enjoy Orton
because his glow tan leaves my face looking like a mess.
As always, "Dashing" Cam Gullett, cohost of the wildly popular Army of
Dorkness!!
Stu Little
Patty Officer James Enright
Hey guys.
Wow, just when I thought I couldn't achieve any more in this business, I claim the Intercontinental Championship, and become a Grand Slam Champion. I can retire happy now.
Before I get to further business, I'd like to give my thoughts on the recently debuted Demko's Dungeon. Specifically how I feel like I was a victim of false advertising. Given the promos for the show that have been running on this very programme, I was expecting Andy's appearance to involve Demko tying him up, and subjecting him to all sorts of S&M practices, such as whipping, spanking, nipple clamps etc. but instead, you guys did something totally GAY! I seriously hope that the Doctor Who podcast delivers much more on what it promises, even if barely anyone will listen to it. Not even Cam Gullett, who's had a number of adventures in blue boxes over the years, though instead of a TARDIS, his was a portapotty with a waist-high hole drilled into it.
Congratulations to James Ryan for being the victor in what can only be described as the most titanic bout of the ages. The Steamboat/Savage of Male Bag Matchups. Shame on you Andy Gaston for not giving THAT exchange the slow clap, because I got out of my chair and gave it a ten minute standing ovation. It will be truly hard to follow that.
In much more serious news...James Enright. You had some unkind words for me due to my assessment of you for the King of the Ring qualifiers. I feel you completely misinterpreted what I said. When I called you a "Gomer Pyle wannabe fatty", I wasn't calling you fat with the comparison. I mean, I was with the "fatty", but that was mostly just for exclamation. See, I was talking about Gomer Pyle from the Andy Griffith Show(I got the reference from the Simpsons, if you're wondering), not the guy from Full Metal Jacket. I wasn't calling you fat, but simple-minded, you retard!
James Enright? More like...durrrr...I can't think of anything, because I'm James Enright...Durrr!!
I didn't pick the Full Metal Jacket Pyle because
1. That's a character from a Movie, and I wanted Chris to get the joke
and
2. I would actually be INTIMIDATED by that guy
Thanks for the additional information you gave me about yourself too, by the way. You've got crooked teeth? Is that from sucking all those generals dicks in order to get your bronze star?
And an Iraq veteran? The only reason you went to Iraq was because you heard about Saddam's stockpile of "Yellowcake", and didn't know it was a type of uranium.
#NoBloodForOliveOil
I will also decline your offer to suck your dick, sir, because even if I was so inclined, I doubt I could find it, given you're a self-confessed micro-phallus.
Okay, onto a few things from the past week of WWE I'd like to mention.
On SmackDown-
-Y2J revealed he can speak spanish, I guess because he'd only just heard about Cliff ripping off his gimmick all that time and wanted to get some payback.
-Regal guest appeared as the classiest looking garbageman ever, and said that he used to be "The Most Powerfull Entity in WWE", because apparently being the Raw General Manager is a lot like winning The Prize from Highlander.
-Jericho took on Alberto Del Rio FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER~! and sadly, Y2J might as well change the name of his finisher to The Border Fence of Jericho, for all the good it did him against this mexican.
-Summerslam began with a video package that featured the line "when all you value in life is threatened" over a shot of Shawn Michaels being hugged by HHH. #LetsGetReadyToSuckIt?
-Jericho vs. Ziggler was a really good outing, only ruined by the cliche of Useless Abdominal Bandages That Might As Well Have "Weak Spot" Written On Them
-Bryan's match with Kane was good, but nothing you wouldn't have seen them do on a Raw or SmackDown. Good to see Bryan win though, even if the match did end the same way as a James Enright striptease, with a small package.
-Miz and Mysterio was fine, though I could have done without the extended closeup of Miz's face afterwards, which is just begging for a Brazzers logo to be stuck over it.
-I can't believe they played the Tout of the Prime Time Players saying they were "Live and In Colour". I think you'll find the proper expression is "Live and African American". That AW was clearly a bad influence on them.
-The thing I noticed about the Kevin Rudolf performance was that once again the Divas were trotted out to be props, with no consideration given towards them as individual characters with their own alignments or friendships or rivalries with each other. We had Eve and Kaitlyn out there for instance. Either WWE just doesn't give a crap, or the music of Kevin Rudolf breaks down all barriers, if only for a few minutes.
The only thing I have to add about Raw was yes, David Otunga got put into a match because AJ didn't like him using the word "crazy", but I doubt you guys saw the WWE.com exclusive video of him trying to worm his way out of it by offering her legal advice on getting a zoning permit for her bush. Suffice it to say, it just made things worse.
That's it for another week guys. Before I go, I'd like to leave a youtube link for a free two and half hour long PeePeeVee from Insane Championship Wrestling, the local Glasgow promotion I mention from time to time in my e-mails. They've made it free in an effort to raise their profile and encourage spreading of the video, and sadly, this show is the widest audience available to me. So if you're curious about the product or just want to see some scotsmen beat the shit out of each other in a nightclub, give it a look. It's actually not half bad, workrate wise, and there's two extreme style matches, one of which is "Scottish Rules", which involves stopping ever couple of minutes for the participants to have a drink.
Take care everyone
Stu
James Ryan
The Return of the Champ
Greetings MNFers, and once more, I'm the King of Kings! Hell, if
Brock can steal that nickname from HHH, why not me? I'd like to thank
everyone who voted for me in the extremely close King of the Ring
battle between myself and Nate.
Got a few things for you guys to discuss:
1. Is it just me or are the WWE trying to not so subtly put shades of
gray on most of the Main Eventers? Sheamus is flat out a ginger
dickhead and laughing about winning under dubious means. ADR is
getting the same stuff done to him that he's done since he arrived on
the scene, but he's preaching to the choir about how unjustly he's
being treated. CM Punk is walking the heel or face line. Good guys
are bad, Bad guys are good, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living
together...mass hysteria!!!
They are trying to get wrestlers with shades of gray, but they the
results are shades of terrible. Is this some sort of master plan from
the creative staff or just some experiment going horribly wrong and
they'll sweep it under the rug in a few months?
2. I absolutely love that they went with Paul Heyman to be Brock's
mouthpiece since the beginning of his return. I could listen to him
preach for hours. However, how gay was him saying "Brocktagon"? Oh
and I loved how Heyman mentioned when he was behind the announce desk
that he rocked the shit out of it and that Lawler can eat shit and
Cole needs to kill himself, and only himself, "Bowden Style."
3. David Otunga should never, EVER be on my television screen without
facial hair. That is some weird looking mutha-fucker! Grow your
goatee back, you Cosby sweater wearing awful acting Blipster.*
*Black Hipster
4. James Enright and your Bronze Star. Congratulations on receiving
the fourth-highest combat award of the U.S. Armed Forces and the ninth
highest military award overall. That's one more award than I have and
most of the listeners. Thank you for your service to our country.
One Question? How long did it take for you to realize that there
wasn't chocolate under the bronze?
Have a great show,
James Ryan
The Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network and 3 Time Male Bag
Champion and Chillin in the Glory Hole with Gaston
Dustin Faber
My God, I am broken in half!
I've been looking forward to this King of the Ring tournament for a while
now. With two championship reigns, I felt confident enough to sling crude
insults in my quest to be the best MNF emailer in the world! I studied
everyone's emails closely, looking for holes. I listened to the meanest
stand-up comedians like Louis C.K., Jackie Martling and Sam Kinison to gain
some inspiration.
And then my body fell apart.
While running one day, I was laughing so hard at Andy's appearance on
Demko's Dungeon (available on the Flawedcast network) that I fell over and
tore my quad! Then my iPod skipped to one of J.B. King's emails, and my
eardrums were ruptured due to his assertion that my favorite band is Creed.
Seriously, Creed? Mark Tremoni's guitar-work is the only reason I listen to
that band. Scott Stapp is crap, and I'm insulted that you even thought for
a moment that I'd be the kind of guy who liked Creed. Five stars for pure
stupidity.
Andy, Chris, I am an injured, beat-up man. A shell of my former self. I
won't be able to compete in KOTR this year. Instead of just letting my
opponent walk away with a win, I am selecting a replacement. Jon Druin. You
seem like a swell guy, very kind and happy go-lucky. But deep down, I know
you have a mean funny bone. Deep down, I sense that you are the bilingual
kind of guy that can rise to the top. I know that you have the capability
of a five-time MNF champion.
I believe in you Jon Druin. I know that you will create the kind of email
that this podcast so desperately needs.
Love,
Your Straight-Edge friend,
Dustin Faber
Adam Dan
There Can Be Only One
Revered Sir Bellfield,
I have drawn your substandard being as my next casualty on the journey to
secure my rightful crown as the inaugural Monday Night Flaw “King of the
Ring”. I would generally refrain from exerting too much energy on
simpletons such as yourself, but because the masses insist, I shall grace
you with an iterative categorization of my superiority in hopes of
eliciting some cachinnation from our abderian friend, Sir Alt.
1) I was a 3-time regional spelling champion. You pride yourself on
your adoxography, but your word formation is more difficult to navigate
than AJ Lee’s pubic region. #ItsAVeritableForestDownThere
2) I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Economics from an esteemed American
university. You have a degree in eternal bachelorhood, you revolting
troglodyte. If Earth was ever visited by an alien race, I would commit
Seppuku (or “harakiri”) out of my dishonor of sharing species
categorization with you.
3) I have a Master’s Degree in Industrial Engineering from that same
prestigious university. You have mastered making the entirety of the
civilized world question the American education system, you illiterate
dullard. Your life narrative could only be truthfully portrayed by that
retarded fellow who played Corky on “Life Goes On.”
4) My phallus is a glorious and immaculately crafted instrument of
orgasmic generosity. Your phallus is as miniscule as Sir Corbitt’s little
finger and as misshapen as Sir Enright’s smile. #ZigzagPinkyDick
5) I had the intestinal fortitude to defeat cancer. You repeatedly
succumb to canker sores from the herpes-laden penises you take pleasure in
fellating. Please kill yourself.
6) I have traveled the world and engaged in witty banter and repartee
with the native citizens of myriad territories. You have traveled to
various wharfs and engaged in bestial acts with myriad canines and
marsupials. It transpired… and no effort on your part can alter its
existence.
7) I frequently partake in the fine liquors and spirits this world has
to offer. You frequently partake in the semen of the ginger bear, Cameron
Gullet. Your daily thirst for testosterone can only be placated by his dewy
essence.
I feel I need continue no more on this path of detailing my unambiguous
superiority to you, Sir Bellfield. I wash my hands of you, and I wish you
well in your future endeavors in your more attainable aspirations of
becoming “King of the Twinks”.
Good Day, Sir.
-Master Gator
Postscript
Sir Enright,
I remain in contention for the King of the Ring, while you remain in
contention for the King of the Golden Corral.
NEENER NEENER NEENER! YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR WEINER!
Good Day, Sir.
-Master Gator
JB King
JB KING and the"Make a Wish' Foundation visit Adam Dan
Ladies and Gentlemen
Please welcome
The only living
Breathing
Romping Stomping
CUNT-A-SAURAS
In captivity
Here is JB King!!!
…
Cuntateers, puts your clams together for the lovely Andy and Chrissy
The Cuntadactyls!
Thanks bitches now let’s get it started, or retarded whichever. Summer Slam
has come and gone and I can’t wait to go next year. I’m sorry if you didn’t
see my signs this year but they got confiscated. Apparently having a sign
that says “AJ Lee has a massive bush” and “Way to knock it out of the park
there Jackson Andrews” didn’t fly with customs. Probably because I’m black
or something. Anyway that didn’t stop me from starting a “Kobe Bryant”
chant during the Prime Time Players match. You’re welcome.
Afterwards I decided to go to the zoo the next day. I was listening to our
recent male bag when I was walking through the monkey exhibit. Sure enough
I was on the ‘pink eye’ joke from last week and decided to put my phone on
speaker for the monkeys to listen to. The next 3 minutes I could not
believe. The monkeys became agitated. They were soon gnashing their own
teeth and slamming their fists on the cages. And I think one of them was
aggressively masturbating in front of a bush. So I’ve come to the
conclusion of Chris Alt’s famous monkey howls. For monkeys it’s like
listening to the Creep Show.
With this amazing achievement, surely this was the week I won right? No?
James won? Well shit. I guess it’s hard not to vote for a guy who is using
MNF’s favorite go to joke Nate Corbitt (Sorry Cam). You’ve bested Nate. And
as you can tell he really tried last week. I’m sure Nate’s excuse for his
pathetic email is like his excuse for not exercising; his heart couldn’t
handle the pressure. And good job on winning the second “Rack’em” Award
from Chris. Or as he likes to put it, the ‘first’. Way to remember Aaron
Gaston there Jerry Lawler. But what can I say good job and congratulations
to James. And thank you again for enjoying my work. However, I’m sad to say
that I did not do the Troy/AJ 69 joke. That was the other Jon you asshole.
I don’t ask for much but how the hell did you get me mixed up with “new”
guy you creepy Jack Black looking stunt double. I mean I don’t get you
mixed up with a guy with your same first name on here do I? You fat Staff
Sgt. Piece of shit! Anyway I’m glad we cleared that up.
Dear Andy, please don’t let that Canadian ‘Ray Ramano’ sounding douchebag
Scott Taylor read his own impact recaps again. It was like watching a
Special Olympics 4x400 relay. I was laughing at first but then I just felt
bad after the first 3 minutes. Yeah, you heard me fuck you Kermit. By the
way I had no idea BINGO games were making you racist. That could explain
why Nana Alt is so strange around coloreds. She must be a league Bingo
champ or something.
Austin Sanders, I hope to hear from you again soon because I miss the
non-sensible horseshit that flies out of your sperm dumpster you call a
mouth. And congrats on being Monday Night Flaw’s favorite new meme. It
happened, and there’s nothing you can do about it. See you next week brah.
Cam Gullet
(Car Crash sound effect)
…and punchline.
Stu Little. So I guess you won your first intercontinental title eh? I’m
not sure if it’s because Andy forgot what an insult was or because he just
wanted a fresh target this week. In any case welcome to midcard bitch! I
could go on a rant and bury you miserably, but I’m not. You see, I already
know there is no fucking way James Enright is NOT going to win the
intercontinental title this week. He won’t even have to mention you to get
it. He’s that good…and fat.
Speaking of Jaba the Hut…James Enright. What’s wrong? In case you haven’t
noticed we make fun of EVERYONE here on male bag. I’d ask what’s your
‘beef’ but I don’t want to give you a hunger hard on. I’m sure you have
enough stress in your life worrying about losing your foot to diabetes but
don’t let this show get to you. If people mock you or make fun of you for
being 400 pounds…who cares! People still think I’m legitimately retarded
and they still vote for me…sometimes. And just remember fat means flavor,
and anyone with THAT much fat has to be able to bring A LOT of flavor to
the Flawedcast network. I’d tell you to ‘suck it up’ but instead I’ll say
‘suck it in’. Just remember, while you struggle with your belt extender
just remember you brought this upon yourself you fat piece of shit. Every
time I see you smile I remind myself to go fix my fence. Hey Look! A bad
teeth reference instead of fat joke! Yay!
P.S. Andy, James has been training with Petey Williams and can now do a
piledriver called the “Canadian Bacon Destoryer” So add that to the list.
Well I think we’ve chewed the fat long enough so let’s get to the questions
shall we?
Questions One: You tapped out! You tapped out! Wow, listen to the standing
ovation from the WWE Universe! Fuck you Jerry Lawler. In case you didn’t
notice from Summerslam the crowd decided to shit on Triple H for the slow
match. But in Jerry’s world, it’s a different story. Where will this end? I
made a small list of things that are happening hypothetically and you tell
me how Jerry Lawler would respond.
1. Sheamus stabs a heel
2. John Cena does a low blow
3. Vickie Guerrero dies
4. Kharma has a miscarriage
5. Kofi drunk drives over an infant
6. Chris Benoit murders his family
Question Two: A question for Chris since this is a wrestling videogame
question and you are the resident gaming expert of the Flawedcast Network
(fuck you John Merideth) . No Andy, it’s not about Portal 2 but let me just
say double fuck you to Chris for not playing and finishing that game yet.
It’s phenomenal. Stop playing Lego Batman and play that shit. Anyway, the
one thing I’ve always noticed on WWE games recently is the superstar’s
stats. I understand they are under ‘kayfabe’ circumstances and they are not
THAT accurate but I always found it fascinating on how some superstars rise
or fall in stats tremendously over the years. The Miz went from a 78
overall to a 90 in one year. Randy Orton went from 70 to 88 in 2005 and so
on. Who do you expect to have the biggest push and drops in stats? Also,
just kidding Andy go ahead and answer.
And now onto my King of Ring opponent. I didn’t want to deal with him at
first and that’s not just because he is probably contagious, but because I
just wanted to earn a win on the merit of writing a good email regardless.
But Andy said the ‘Make a Wish’ Foundation wanted me to go see him. So if I
can make one mutant’s day better than why not. I had no idea you wanted me
that bad. Andy said you asked for me specifically. Well, that or Andy was
just yanking me to make fun of you. Fuck it.
Adam Dan, it looks like we have crossed paths yet again. I remember our
first dispute. You helped me win my first Intercontinental Title. I have
gone on to more accolades and you have gone on to your very own podcast.
Well except this week. Andy did a nice job though. I would say we have
both grown as individuals but I know the Chemo has whittled your bones to
tooth picks. But despite God’s plan you beat cancer. And all it cost you
was your immune system, sarcasm, your taste in football teams and most of
your sperm. Thankfully you were smart enough to shove a Game Genie up your
ass and use the infinite sperm code in order to make a child. And now, you
have a child soon to care for (calm down Bryan). I wish the best for you
and your Milano colored miracle.
But this is where your path ends my friend. Because the only way to get
through me is like the only way your wife lets you use the computer, and
that’s with our permission. Permission Denied sir. I am not here to grant
wishes. I am here to win the king of the ring. Now smile for the camera so
I can let you jerk off to your Tebow poster. It will be our little secret.
Simple and clean, I hope you are happy Andy.
Love, Peace and Penis Grease.
Johnny