MNF 36/Male Bag 19
Sept 6, 2012 14:30:49 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Sept 6, 2012 14:30:49 GMT -5
Listen to Monday Night Flaw 36 and Male Bag 19 on www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw or on iTunes then come back here and VOTE! And also vote for Michael Hodge vs Stu Little in the King of the Ring thread.
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=8846
Austin Sanders
Farts.
So I don't email in competitively this week. Whatever, fuck you.
XOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXO
TheTallOne
PS. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cam Gullet
Cam Gullet who?
Cam Proceeds to break into tears as his grandmothers Alzheimers
have progressed to the point where she can no longer remember the love she
had for him.
You deserved it you Polly Pocket Poo Hole Rangler. ®
Jon Drouin
One shade of Grey
Andy and Chris,
It's been a miserable week.
Michigan gets spanked by Alabama, Summer is over, CM Punk is a heel, and I am a failure.
Dustin, I failed you. Your name belongs in the Final Four of the King of the Ring alongside the other elite emailers. I don't have to even mention their names, because they are synonymous with the best that Monday Night Flaw has to offer. But it's my fault. I am sick to my stomach. I wish I was funny like you Dustin. Or JB King. He's the best. All I've been able to do is sit at home on the floor, listen to Dido and Sarah McLachlan, and switch this lamp on and off.
Austin, I'm not sure why you have me confused with someone else. You seem like a nice kid, even with your Tourette's, and I apologize if I have misled you in any way.
Chris Alt. I don't know what I was thinking. I made a few mistakes last week. I should have spoken to you first, before I contacted your wife last week. I just got so wrapped up in this tournament contest thing, and I forgot about showing proper respect to you. I want you to know that from now on, I promise to recognize Arkansas State Law, and respect the fact that your wife is your property, and I promise I will never speak to her directly again. (Can you clarify if Cam is your property too? I'm a little confused on that one.)
Also, I tried to give Sarah a very substantial and proper introduction before including her words. But yet, when Andy introduced her, you seemed let down and very unimpressed. Which depresses me even more. I'm not sure if you were expecting someone else, or perhaps you thought I was going to pretend that my words were those of Sarah. Let me assure you that I would never, ever, joke about these things, and I would never pretend to be someone else. Pretending to be someone else can only end poorly.
And I'm sorry that now the entire world knows that you put your feet on the coffee table. I am ashamed at what I have done.
But my biggest regret is that I appear to have upset Andy. Andy's been short with me lately, and he seems disappointed every time I send an email, or comment on the internet. I think he might be jealous of all the attention I give to Dustin and Chris and Cam in my emails. I can understand how it's hard to be surrounded by these great, talented, people. So Andy, I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you, and I promise to make it up to you. I promise that I will start dedicating more of my time making sure that everyone knows how terrific you are. I hope that will be enough to cheer you up. And maybe it will cheer me up to.
Finally, congrats to Cam on his victories last week. If we were in the same ring, I'd give you a hug to congratulate you. A hug would be nice.
Until next time,
Jon Drouin
Michael Demko
Cam Slams and that's all
Dear Andris,
What do you get when you mix Cam Gullett and Nate Corbitt?
A low blow.
What do you get when you mix Cam Gullett and Sheamus?
A Gae-LICK
What do you get when you mix Cam Gullett and Brodus Clay?
A FunkaSORE-ASS
What do you get when you mix Cam Gullett and Fred Solomon?
A He-blew
-Demko
Nicole Crawford
Smackdown Recap
Right in the middle of Sheamus Speaking here comes James Ryan to offer his help and to shed some light he seems to think he could enrich our lives but he doesn't put his Money where his mouth is, he deemed Sheamus as an unworthy opponent, then can you dig that Sucka plays. Here comes Kofi Kingston to announce James Ryan has to take on Sheamus tonight! For the first time EVER!! (not counting house shows) you should have seen the Cabbage eating grin on Sheamus face! Priceless!
Can you dig that sucka Boom boom boom!
BOOYAKA! BOOYAKA! Here comes Sin Cara to fight Cody Rhodes. Cody had the control for a bit but his obsession to demask his opponent cost him the match. In his frustration he attacks Sin Cara brutally once again going for the demasking and WHAT? here's comes another Sin Cara? Wait, they're doing this again? The new Sin Cara puts a Sin Cara mask on Cody Rhodes and now there's three of them! Everyone will be Sin Cara!!
BOOBies!!!!!!
Gotta Love them DIVAs!
Am I the only one who thinks the divas division would be instantly improved if the ring was replaced with a swimming pool filled with baby oil? There's already enough oil for that on David Otunga's chest.
James Ryan vs. Shaemus "Nice HOT pink panties there HollyWood! Thou James had an excellent start once Shaemus is mad you don't wanna be in the ring with him and his Irish temper!
In and out in and out, ducking and then finally Running off to only give the match to Our Champion Shaemus!
Black n yellow, black and yellow, Boom get get get get get it that's right! No more black and yellow'
Interview by Josh Mathews and the Mexican aristocrat Alfonso Ribeiro. He boasts about his most recent run in with the Viper and how not only was he victorious but that he made made him Tap out to the cross arm-breaker, which is really surprising because I thought snakes didn't have arms.
"What Kane did to you is nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you. " said Alfonso. Kane protects his territory Josh Matthews so we think but, Wait His anger management counselor has required Kane to Apologize to Josh. Looks like he can develop a gentle heart as fast as he can grow the hair on his head. And here comes the Mac Militant, playa! Mac says Alfonso and Kane have to wrestle. So they do. It was thrilling.
Alfonso wins and Kane attacks Josh. And there goes your 30 day chip.
here beep the world mr. Money in the bank with that horribly Bleached angel hair pasta on his head and he's here to beep the Viper whose venom is leaking out of his fangs AKA he spits all over himself like usual. Eww. Anyway, Dolph is amazing. I love how his over-the-top selling. He could sell snow to an Eskimo, or rice to an Chinese guy, or steroids to Randy Orton. The Viper wins when Dolph smashes his own head into the mat. The show goes off the air with the saliva-faced snake doing his "I love you this much" arms.
In closing, fellas, I'd like to Thank you for the opportunity to get my geek on and my putting my Wrestling thoughts on paper. Er..email...whatever.
Nachos, boobies and boners,
-Nicole, the adamantium voice of the Flawedcast Network
Cam Gullett
THE CHAMP...IS...HEEEERRREEE!!!
So I guess now we can welcome Cli...errr...Jon Drouin to the suck my dick
club. You are member #2,437,187. Although you are only the second guy to
ever join without money exchanging hands.
Before we get to the wrestling stuff I have a couple of things to mention
that were uncovered on the newest Gamer & Proud: Dustin Faber condemns Ryan
Gosling for being a fake kid toucher, but legitimately exonerates Michael
Jackson from any wrongdoing. It happened, and there's nothing you can do
about it.
Austin Sanders wants a showdown? Normally I would jump at the chance to get
all oiled up and have my way with a 19 year old boy, but I've already had
you kind sir, and I rarely go back for seconds at the ass buffet.
I saw that movie "Lawless" today and it reminded me a lot of WWE booking.
It had three great actors in Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman, and Guy Pearce, but
rather than focus on them it was all about the shittiest actor onscreen:
Shia LaBeeeeef!! Still it was the second best movie I watched all day
behind "Premium Rush" so 5 stars!
Whoever gets the best Cam Slam this week is entitled to ONE free hug from
me, after that you have to start paying me or my pimp, David Otunga gets
super pissed and throws his coffee on me.
As always,
"The Dashing Franchise" Cam Gullett
James Ryan
Greetings MNFers! It's me, James Ryan, "The Golden Voice of the
Flawedcast Network"! I've returned after a one week hiatus from the
Bag! And it looks like we're off and running with another live
commentary! Quick! Let's get to the action!
OPENING BET OF THE NIGHT: Over/Under 2 for the number of African
American Wrestlers on the WWE's Roster which will we be in action
tonight?
Speaking of action, let's get it on!!!
"You come at the King, you best not miss."
CM Punk quotes Omar Little 8 minutes into the show, and this could be
a sign of great things to come? I really hope Snoop and Chris don't
stop by and murder the mid card! But this is RAW and anything can
happen***!!!! ***within reason
CM Punk then channels his inner Cartman: "Respect mah Authoritah!!!"
Jesus, this big Ginger (No, not Cam), Sheamus is a stammering
blithering idiot (Yes, that one is Cam). He's seriously trying to
improv with CM Punk.
His line to Punk, "Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at
a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you
rather to take his word for it? No, I mean is, you can get a good look
at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's
gotta be your bull." Alright probably not in those words, but DATS
WHUT I HEARED!!!
Just like Cam, Sheamus and his joke fell flat. Propecia.com!
Stop Sheamus. Just stop. Keep to your stories about grandpappies and
your fellas, but don't ever try to go off book again.
Randy Orton is walking!! And showing off his Ed Hardy Tatts!! The Apex
Sex Predator vs the Male Cheerleader Showoff! NEXT!
Wait. If Punk just said he was the Best in the World, and he then
told Sheamus he was #2 on the pecking order. Where does the Apex
Predator land on that list?
ANSWER: 1 more Strike and he's off my television! #Strike4?
Great, my evening just got better! Vicki Guerrero and James Enright's
Teeth are now out to introduce...OH WHUT THA HAIL?!?!
My cable company just trolled the WWE and Vicki hardcore!! They just
randomly cut to a commercial!!! And it was a commercial for feminine
hygiene! HAHAHAHA! After a minute, the show returns with Ziggler
already in the ring. Totes missed "Here to Beep The
World!"#NightsRuined
Oh fuck you Orton, you just used Tully Blanchard's rope aided
slingshot suplex. How dare you. However, if he picked up Tully's
drug addiction, I wouldn't be mad.
Oh Chicago crowd, I thought you were smarkier than this. You're
actually chanting for RANDY?!?
Sign #1 of the Night Spotted: "I MISS LITA" I miss her tits more, good citizen.
Orton and Ziggler trade pinning attempts and Zigs gets the surprising
victory over the Asexual Predator! Randy probably just got confused
about that sequence and just gave up.
He's leaving for 12 Rounds Reloaded in a matter of weeks! Can't wait
for this topic to trend: #OrtonDiesinFireyStuntGoneWrong!
And what do we have here?!? Miz's music hits? Is he coming out to
jab Orton about his loss? Uh, no...Miz is now tonight's color
commentator! And I have officially lost interest for the 2nd time for
tonight's RAW!
Miz, stop the Smug Duck Face.
#ANGERCOLLAGES!!!
Tag Team Action! Rey Misterio and El Mexicano vs Man-Baby Enright and
Lispy Rhodes!!! Should be a slabberknocka!!!
Or not. Well that was a clusterfuck of a tag match. Two of those guys
need to be off television for a while or forever. Though Rey looked
surprisingly quick on his feet. He also looked slimmer.
Anger Management Part 2! Light as a feather, stiff as a board! Trust
building exercise!
FUCK YOU HAROLD!! #YES! Future Tag Team Partners?!?!? I'm getting that vibe.
We may see more of Harold in the future, as he is indy wrestler, Scorpio Sky.
Ok, 1st hour main event is...CM PUNK vs Sheamus? Punk don't do Hour 1!
Punk's in street clothes!!! CM PUNK says: "Happy Labor Day, jamokes!
I'm outta here!" #PersonalDay
Sheamus is now going to fight...Ellen DeGeneres?
Shockingly, Sheamus gets the submission victory with one of the
sloppiest Texas Cloverleaves (Cloverleafs?) ever on Swagger.
Sheamus has shown in the past that he hates Mexicans and now hates
lesbians. Pornstar Daisy Marie, watch your back!
DIVAS!
Question of the Night: Is there any other female hairstyle other than
the Blond on top, brunette on bottom that just screams "I do DPs for
free kamikaze shots!"
Answer: NOPE! #Kaitlyn4DP
Miz and Layla need to be removed from my television with this god
awful banter. That was horrible. It distracted me from the 5 Star
Divas Match of the Night! #CopyrightScottTaylor
Nice ass on Eve though. #POWERBOTTOM
News item of the Week: The buzz on the interwebz is that Kaitlyn was
not supposed to win the Divas Battle Royale two weeks ago. When
Kaitlyn clotheslined Meat Drapes over the top and she missed the ring
apron hit the ground. #Derp
Jack Swagger lost and he's is leaving! He's better than this losing
streak! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!!!
#IAmNotaNugget! #RIPOWEN
Hey Taz, what's Jock Snagger doing in the Impact Zone?!?!
Anger Management #3: SHUT UP HAROLD!
Miz is trying his best to do a Robert DeNiro impression behind the
commentator desk while Cole speaks.
Question of the Night #2: Why does Miz constantly have a Shit Eating
Grin on his face?
Answer: Cause he eats shit!
Up Next: James Enright's Teeth vs An Honest to God Red Dot Injun! Nice
to see Ryback's Conjunctivitis cleared up!
Hey Chris, in layman's terms, that's Pink Eye. Repeat after me,
"kuhn-juhngk-tuh-vahy-tis" How are you allowed to be a teacher? Oh,
wait, Arkansas. Carry on.
Twitter Poll of the Night! Hey Mexican Tweens and other assorted
CHUDS! #WWEMATCH, #WWETAG, #WWEHUG, or #WWEMAEBY
The Universe has spoken!! Daniel Bryan and Kane hug it out!!! OMG!
AN ENTOURAGE REFERENCE!!! I LUV TOPICAL JOKEZ!!!!
Sign of the Night #2: "MAYBE... MAYBE... MAYBE..." #ChrisAltsRingTone
Ladies and Gentlemen, the rules of a “Hug It Out” match are as follows:
- Both competitors must embrace at the same time
- Said embrace must be held for a referee's ten-count
- Half-hugs nor chest bumps do not count
- There is no time limit for the match, because this sort of thing is
special, and needs to be dragged out
- A warning to the audience, we don't blame you if you were watching
us at this point, stopped, and didn't return. But this is something
that Vince has been laughing at for the last 4 hours before the show
went live.
HUGS!! This is awesome. I actually find this pretty funny, even if
they did drag it out. But the crowd was eating it up. Daniel Bryan
almost broke character and started laughing when he yelled out "You
didn't hug me back!"
Now trending, #WWEHUG! Hugs, not drugs! And speaking of which, if
your parents didn't do either of those, you wouldn't be here with us
tonight, Austin Sanders.
This reminded me of the awkward hug in Step Brothers.
gifsoup.com/MTc0NjI1Mw
one for the forum people:
GIFSoup
This went from man on man embrace to man on man violence!!! #WankMaterial4Cam
Will these two will let bygones be bygones and form a tag team called
"The Brothers of Yestruction"?
Ladies and gentlemen, US Champ, Antonio "Don't call me Claudio
Castagnoli" Cesaro! The Cobra doesn't work without the snake sock.
Uh-huh. He hits the Neutralizer for the win to retain! He needs to
stay away from Santino.
Zack Ryder vs Heath Slater. I really fuckin hate these two dorks.
Ryder's a fan of Guitar Hero? Who plays that shitty game still? Are
his bandmates Jimmy Rave and Vance Archer?
That was a really uncomfortable skit with Vicki and AJ. I really
dislike Vicki. Why didn't AJ just fire Vicki and then attack her, or
dust herself off after the slap and force Vicki to face one of the
Heel Divas? Or face a male wrestler who isn't afraid to hit a woman.
Paging Jackson Andrews, you're needed at Gorilla Position.
Oh shit, it's main event time... Did you see Cena high 5 the Macho
Man!?!? Notice how the camera did not focus in on him?
Cena gets suplexed through announce table! HOLY SHIT! Pin attempt by
Del Rio! No sell! What the hell? Dude with a history of neck
surgeries, plural, gets belly-to-back suplexed through the announce
table and still kicks out? What's it going to take?
Vicious microphone shot to Cena's shoulder!!! Time to visit your
optometrist, Del Rio!
Cena gazes into the camera and gives us all a wink! OH HAHA! Fuck
you Cena! You just broke the 4th wall!!!
Here we go a brawling backstage! If you don't smell CM Punk coming
back to nail Cena, then... oh Jesus, flying trash can! Filled with
empty water bottles!!! #HHHwuzHere
Derr, called it! Stiff kick to Cena's ear by Punk! Del Rio with the
pinfall victory on Super Cena! So a surprise kick to the back of the
head can get Cena pinned, but a surprise suplex through a table does
not. Fair enough.
CM Punk with a GTC on Cena! Go To Chrystler!! Respect Deez Nutz
Cena! Holy Shit! Heyman's been hired as Punk's driver! Beep beep!
Embrace the hate, Dickface!
Final Thoughts
1. Does that mean we have a New New Dangerous Alliance? Heyman, Punk,
Lesnar? Anyone else? a debuting Seth Rollins? or Alex Shelly?
Kassius Ohno? A retooled Jack Swagger? CM Punk has said in the past
that he's a "Heyman Guy" Not to be confused with Brian VanAlstyne who
is a "Hyman Guy"
2. If you said Under for the opening bet, you win! One! One of the
WWE's 10+ African American Wrestlers were on tonight's 3 hour RAW.
Even though he sounds like a white guy, David Otunga, Esq, is indeed
of African American heritage! Thanks for playing!
3. So AW gets fired for a Kobe Rape joke, but Funkadactyl Cameron
gets nabbed for a DUI, then offers the cops a $10,000 bribe to let her
go and all she gets is a whopping 15 Day suspension. I'm sorry, what
the fuck is up with that?
4. David Otunga representing Del Rio/Alberto and their potential
lawsuit against Sheamus. I smell awful train wreck. #BirdLawExpert
5. Anyone see Macho Man in the crowd? Cena gave him a high five. The
camera men were obviously given instruction to not get him on camera,
but after the show went off air, Cena actually brought him into the
ring and the crowd went insane. I'm sure Vince just loved that. I
will hand it to Cena, as he's pretty much the only wrestler who could
do something like this and not get in trouble. Though, they'll
probably just fire someone like Zach Ryder to stick it to him.
i72.photobucket.com/albums/i200/BeerBaron721/machomanRAW.jpg
forums:
That's all I got. Hope you guys have a great show,
James Ryan
The Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network
PS: I found out why Nate didn't have enough time to write an email for
our King of the Ring Tourney a few weeks ago. I lifted a picture from
his work's cameras and you can plainly see his computer was just
acting slow.
i72.photobucket.com/albums/i200/BeerBaron721/Nate.jpg
forums:
JB King
WHATS MY FUCKING NAAAAAMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!!
Say it again! STILL WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Wooooooo! Two weeks strong
baby! Suck my nuts, I’m taking a personal day.
.....
Just kidding. Hello again to giggle shits and the pie eater. I write to you
in good spirits. Sorry if it took me so long to join you on facebook, but I
haven’t used it in about eight months because I never had a reason to and
just always preferred twitter. Now, I have even more of a reason to not use
it, thanks. Seriously Andy how many likes do you need for a fucking TROUT
comment?
By the way I’m sorry you lost the pie eating contest. Perhaps this is karma
for mocking my soon to be contribution to Dandora Radio. You called me a
massive vagina for making a setlist as a tribute to my father. Well, that’s
okay. You call me a vag, and I say you are what you eat. That’s right, JB
KING eats box like James Enright eats everything else. And by that I mean
there is excessive use of the tongue and little to no chewing. Not sure why
I just said that but I’ll go with it. Guess it’s better than being known as
an illiterate retard.
But now to the real reason I made this email. Andy, with the NFL season
starting I wanted to see if you would place a bet with me. Your Chargers
are facing my Raiders this week. Sure the game will be terrible, but let’s
try and make something fun come from this. If my Raiders win, you have to
read Scott Taylor’s next impact recap with your horrible sounding Ray
Ramano voice. If your Chargers win, I will do a recap for the worst shows
on TV, Here comes Honey BooBoo. However, I don’t want it to be read on TV
for Vendetta because the last thing I need to hear is Bryan masturbating
over something I read. Plus I know Demcko is into some weird sex shit so
who knows. Anyway enough about those two lispy sex starved monsters… What
do say sir?
Good. Now on to Chris. Sorry to disappoint you but I am not dead. I am not
undead either, not sure why Dustin Faber was making that statement on Gamer
and Proud. Had no idea Catholics believed in voodoo. It was almost as
disturbing with Faber’s deep obsession with Ryan Gosling. The again he is a
Doucheboat (that’s a combination of a douchebag and dreamboat) so I don’t
blame you. Then Dustin has the audacity to compare me to a boring Peter Pan
movie. Seriously? Who references Hook in 2012?!?!? Fuck you and your shitty
show. Ok, now see here King, we may not be the most professionally run
network in the world but we try and do our best you asshole. We make sure
everything here runs as smooth as possible and we do this for free you
dick. And another thing…
(We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by + music)
-so don’t tell us that we can’t do a show without mistakes or technical
problems you asshole. Anyway he continues.
Congrats to Cam Gullet for furthering my point on how completely pointless
this tournament is now. Or maybe I should just blame Jon boy for chocking
last week. I haven’t seen dropped balls like that since Damien Sandow went
into puberty. Speaking of watching balls drop; Cam, I seriously hope you
continue to advance in this tournament as fast as your AIDS advance through
your dying body. Please prove to the world that Magic Johnson isn’t the
only success story with HIV. Because AIDS has had a bad rap for quite some
time now. I will be you marketing department. “YES WE CAM” seemed like a
decent slogan, but I went with a modest twist to an old watch slogan, “Cam
Gullet…. takes a dickin’ and keeps on licking” Needs work, but I’ll let you
know. Good luck faggot (gives Austin Sanders $20).
James Enright…. that’ll do pig.
It’s time to filibuster! Question time!
Question One: Apparently, there has been a few Daniel Bryan “YES” chants
going on at the Oakland A’s game. No this is real, look it up on Youtube.
Josh Reddick uses Flight of the Valkyries as his batting theme now. The
crowd seems to dig it and they are going along with it nicely.
Unfortunately, this same crowd apparently got attacked by a massive swarm
of bees. Take a look.
i43.tinypic.com/33v17h3.gif
Or maybe they were attacked by Little Jimmys. And if you are wondering,
yes, a Detroit fan later ran over there with a Ghidorah mask and fought
Drunkzilla. I have also seen the “YES” chant during the Miami Heat game
after Wrestlemania. My question to you guys is what wrestling chants such
as this would you love to see happen at a different sporting event? A walk
off homerun? Nascar crash? Peyton or Tebow getting crippled? I know we kind
of talked about this last week, but I’m lazy so have at it.
Question Two: Poor announcers. Josh Matthews is getting the shit kicked out
of him weekly. And CM Punk decided to beat up everyone’s favorite Dick
Tracy villain “Prune Face” aka Jerry Lawler. I’m Prune Tracy! Take that
Dickface! Even Matt Striker can barely get airtime and no one decided to
remember his name on Raw. My question is do you think this is going
somewhere? And don’t just say the AJ Lee angle because this is happening on
more than just Raw. Is there a story coming out of this or is this a way to
make a shift in the announcing booth such as switching Josh and King on the
shows or bring Matt Striker back on the table. Just wanted your thoughts?
Question Three: When should this Kane and Daniel Bryan feud end? Actually,
HOW should it end? If you carefully think about it, the main root to both
of their recent problems comes from AJ Lee. They must solve this problem
by taking care of the source. And if porn has taught me anything over the
years, this will probably end with Kane and Bryan giving AJ the Eifel
Tower. No need for protection because twelve year olds can’t get pregnant
yet right Bryan? JB KING making a sex joke about AJ? Guess he didn’t waste
any time. Talk about not beating around the ‘bush’ amirite? A-thank you.
Anyway, how do you guys want this feud to end?
Well that’s it tonight. I hear the bag pipes so I better get out of the
way. Good luck to Stu and Mic-pffft you know what fuck it, everyone vote
for Hodgey. This main event blows.
Love peace and penis grease,
Johnny
Michael Hodge
The King of the Ring Pee Pee Vee
Hey, Chrandy.
Speaking of Wait Til Next Year, I agree that it was necessary to shake things up, but I'm not sure taking the idea literally by having James Enright walk by the studio was the best way to go. #WeighTonsNowY'all
Hashtag? More like hash browns.
On to business, I'm not going to go the route of my esteemed opponent and recap wrestling shows here. First of all, you guys already do that. Secondly, I stopped watching wrestling altogether when Harry from Harry and the Hendersons popped out of AJ's pants to become the new Raw GM. I'm worried that thing's going to come at me out of my TV like the chick in The Ring. You see, Chris, The Ring was a movie...
Assuming Stu's not too busy tossing his
caber to a Rowdy Roddy Piper poster, I'm sure he's feeling pretty confident that he's going to get an easy win this week. Well, here's the thing, Stu: you're going to need to bring more than one minute of funny in a 15-minute e-mail this week.
It's an epic battle between Canada and Scotland. Bret Hart vs. Drew McIntyre. Chris Benoit vs. ... Drew McIntyre. Chris Jericho vs. ... hold on ... Bill Dundee (source: Wikipedia). Edge & Christian vs. (allegedly) the Highlanders (source: also Wikipedia). Want to know what other ways Canada's better than Scotland? You bet you do:
1. Canada's national anthem? O Canada.
Scotland's national anthem? Scotland the Brave.
2. Canada's national currency? The Canadian dollar -- $1 and $2 coins. Blue, brown, pink, and purple bills. It's got everything you could possibly want.
Scotland's national currency? The British pound. Not the Scottish pound, the British pound. Also, possibly the euro.
3. Canada's national animal? The mighty beaver.
Scotland's national animal? I shit you not: the unicorn. The fucking unicorn. The mytho-fucking-logical unicorn.
4. Canada's greatest hero? Wayne Gretzky.
Scotland's greatest hero? William Wallace. Gretzky would kill Wallace at the NHL skills competition. It's a no-contest.
5. Canada: Hodgey
Scotland: Stu
6. Canada: Has produced literally dozens of main-event wrestlers, including the aforementioned Roddy Piper (put it away, Stu)
Scotland: Drew McIntyre
7. Canada's national musical instrument: not the bagpipes
Scotland's national musical instrument: the bagpipes
8. Canada: This e-mail
Scotland: That e-mail
9. Canada: Mike Myers doing a Scottish accent
Scotland: Everyone doing a Scottish accent. Not very original, are they?
10. Canada: the RCMP -- the iconic national mounted police
Scotland: Scotland Yard -- headquarters of one of the most famous police forces in the world. Located in London.
I believe my point has been made.
And as an appeal to the voters, Stu is a mouse. A Scottish mouse. You can't vote for that shit.
That's it from me.
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey
Stu Little
Hodge Podge
Hey guys,
Boy. I sure love hats. Apparently. And I'm a hipster too...it seems. Jeez, James, I might actually be in some danger of looking bad if you put as much effort into your jokes as you do dinner, or as you call it "Operation Dessert Storm".
Anyway, big night tonight. The King of the Ring Quarter Finals. I've had my theme music changed out of respect for my opponents(and to not jinx myself any more than Andy and the part-timer have). I thought I'd go for something more low key...
I'll get to Hodgey soon enough but first I'll cover some Raw points:
-I officially hate the new theme now. Mostly because of the frequency of the ad breaks and how the bumper for those plays the same first line over and over and over again. The only novelty to the commercial breaks is the graphic they use which looks like a custom-made bowling ball with the Raw logo on it for some reason. Has there ever been a Bowling gimmick in wrestling?
-Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara teamed up for the FIRST TIME EVER on Raw...since the show 5 weeks ago where they were in a 6 man tag together. I'll also mention that a new wrinkle was added to the feud with Cody Rhodes promo from smackdown having him state that the reason Mexicans wear masks when they wrestle is because of their ugliness. I can't believe this racism has flew under the radar! I'd suggest that Cody might as well follow this up with a rant about jews, but I checked a list of current WWE superstars who are jewish and
1. I don't think Kane's CHARACTER is meant to be jewish, given how many crosses his brother's burned over the years
2. I don't think Tensai is ready for a face turn...
Also, can Rey ease back on all the Question Marks on his in ring gear? I know his name is "Mysterio", but at this rate, I expect his next Promo to be "Riddle Me This...Donde Esta La Biblioteca?
-Can we go back to Ryback squashing jobbers? At least we'd have the entertainment value of the funny names those guys would have i.e. Jensen Conrad, Tobias Lockwood, and (hopefully) Benedict Cumberbatch.
-I really enjoyed the Kane/Bryan hug segment, though I will say if you were one of the people who voted for that, you are in my book a party to sexual harassment. You forced those two men who roll around with half naked guys on a nightly basis to instead have to do something uncomfortable and homoerotic! That said, Andy, given that you emulated WWE's TOUT with TROUT and "Ejaculate", when are you going to implement a similar interactive voting elemen? When are you going to get Flaw Active? I'd love to be able to directly impact the events of the show. Here's one example of a poll you could run:
How should James Enright be "rewarded" for his comedic efforts?
#PlateOfLettuce
#KickToTheNuts
#NavalManeuversWithCamGullet
Okay, enough stalling. Time for the main event. Hodgey, my Thor-loving canadian friend, I understand you put your house up for sale not that long ago. Moving huh? Good thing, because Hodgey, WE COMIN' FO' YOU, HOSER!
i.imgur.com/WWqhu.gif
Ah, who am I kidding? I can't work up any real hatred for a beloved colleague such as yourself. It'd be like beating up on a little brother. Because what is a canadian, if not a poor man's scotsman?
-You guys say "aboot"
-You live in perpetual cold
-You have moose
-You're constantly in the shadow of the country south of the border from you
-We have football hooligans, you have Hockey
-"Nova Scotia", really?
-Roddy Piper's entire career of pretending to be scottish, despite not even trying to do any sort of accent.
And that's just the thing. In this situation, you're Roddy Piper, but I'm Drew MacIntyre. And we all know whose career we'd rather have, right? Oh wait...fuck.
Um...Oh, I know...
Michael Hodge? More like Michale Dodge-The-Draft-By-Going-To-Canada, amirite?
Fuck it, that'll have to do. Hopefully you'll just be too polite to even try to compete with me. If I lose, I can always claim everyone else was just using tactical voting because they were scared to face me. Buncha pussies.
Stu "apparently "or Nothing" this week" Little
P.S. Dedicated to Michael Clark Duncan, former member of my Expundables Draft Team. Rest In Peace.
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=8846
Austin Sanders
Farts.
So I don't email in competitively this week. Whatever, fuck you.
XOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXO
TheTallOne
PS. Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cam Gullet
Cam Gullet who?
Cam Proceeds to break into tears as his grandmothers Alzheimers
have progressed to the point where she can no longer remember the love she
had for him.
You deserved it you Polly Pocket Poo Hole Rangler. ®
Jon Drouin
One shade of Grey
Andy and Chris,
It's been a miserable week.
Michigan gets spanked by Alabama, Summer is over, CM Punk is a heel, and I am a failure.
Dustin, I failed you. Your name belongs in the Final Four of the King of the Ring alongside the other elite emailers. I don't have to even mention their names, because they are synonymous with the best that Monday Night Flaw has to offer. But it's my fault. I am sick to my stomach. I wish I was funny like you Dustin. Or JB King. He's the best. All I've been able to do is sit at home on the floor, listen to Dido and Sarah McLachlan, and switch this lamp on and off.
Austin, I'm not sure why you have me confused with someone else. You seem like a nice kid, even with your Tourette's, and I apologize if I have misled you in any way.
Chris Alt. I don't know what I was thinking. I made a few mistakes last week. I should have spoken to you first, before I contacted your wife last week. I just got so wrapped up in this tournament contest thing, and I forgot about showing proper respect to you. I want you to know that from now on, I promise to recognize Arkansas State Law, and respect the fact that your wife is your property, and I promise I will never speak to her directly again. (Can you clarify if Cam is your property too? I'm a little confused on that one.)
Also, I tried to give Sarah a very substantial and proper introduction before including her words. But yet, when Andy introduced her, you seemed let down and very unimpressed. Which depresses me even more. I'm not sure if you were expecting someone else, or perhaps you thought I was going to pretend that my words were those of Sarah. Let me assure you that I would never, ever, joke about these things, and I would never pretend to be someone else. Pretending to be someone else can only end poorly.
And I'm sorry that now the entire world knows that you put your feet on the coffee table. I am ashamed at what I have done.
But my biggest regret is that I appear to have upset Andy. Andy's been short with me lately, and he seems disappointed every time I send an email, or comment on the internet. I think he might be jealous of all the attention I give to Dustin and Chris and Cam in my emails. I can understand how it's hard to be surrounded by these great, talented, people. So Andy, I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you, and I promise to make it up to you. I promise that I will start dedicating more of my time making sure that everyone knows how terrific you are. I hope that will be enough to cheer you up. And maybe it will cheer me up to.
Finally, congrats to Cam on his victories last week. If we were in the same ring, I'd give you a hug to congratulate you. A hug would be nice.
Until next time,
Jon Drouin
Michael Demko
Cam Slams and that's all
Dear Andris,
What do you get when you mix Cam Gullett and Nate Corbitt?
A low blow.
What do you get when you mix Cam Gullett and Sheamus?
A Gae-LICK
What do you get when you mix Cam Gullett and Brodus Clay?
A FunkaSORE-ASS
What do you get when you mix Cam Gullett and Fred Solomon?
A He-blew
-Demko
Nicole Crawford
Smackdown Recap
Right in the middle of Sheamus Speaking here comes James Ryan to offer his help and to shed some light he seems to think he could enrich our lives but he doesn't put his Money where his mouth is, he deemed Sheamus as an unworthy opponent, then can you dig that Sucka plays. Here comes Kofi Kingston to announce James Ryan has to take on Sheamus tonight! For the first time EVER!! (not counting house shows) you should have seen the Cabbage eating grin on Sheamus face! Priceless!
Can you dig that sucka Boom boom boom!
BOOYAKA! BOOYAKA! Here comes Sin Cara to fight Cody Rhodes. Cody had the control for a bit but his obsession to demask his opponent cost him the match. In his frustration he attacks Sin Cara brutally once again going for the demasking and WHAT? here's comes another Sin Cara? Wait, they're doing this again? The new Sin Cara puts a Sin Cara mask on Cody Rhodes and now there's three of them! Everyone will be Sin Cara!!
BOOBies!!!!!!
Gotta Love them DIVAs!
Am I the only one who thinks the divas division would be instantly improved if the ring was replaced with a swimming pool filled with baby oil? There's already enough oil for that on David Otunga's chest.
James Ryan vs. Shaemus "Nice HOT pink panties there HollyWood! Thou James had an excellent start once Shaemus is mad you don't wanna be in the ring with him and his Irish temper!
In and out in and out, ducking and then finally Running off to only give the match to Our Champion Shaemus!
Black n yellow, black and yellow, Boom get get get get get it that's right! No more black and yellow'
Interview by Josh Mathews and the Mexican aristocrat Alfonso Ribeiro. He boasts about his most recent run in with the Viper and how not only was he victorious but that he made made him Tap out to the cross arm-breaker, which is really surprising because I thought snakes didn't have arms.
"What Kane did to you is nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you. " said Alfonso. Kane protects his territory Josh Matthews so we think but, Wait His anger management counselor has required Kane to Apologize to Josh. Looks like he can develop a gentle heart as fast as he can grow the hair on his head. And here comes the Mac Militant, playa! Mac says Alfonso and Kane have to wrestle. So they do. It was thrilling.
Alfonso wins and Kane attacks Josh. And there goes your 30 day chip.
here beep the world mr. Money in the bank with that horribly Bleached angel hair pasta on his head and he's here to beep the Viper whose venom is leaking out of his fangs AKA he spits all over himself like usual. Eww. Anyway, Dolph is amazing. I love how his over-the-top selling. He could sell snow to an Eskimo, or rice to an Chinese guy, or steroids to Randy Orton. The Viper wins when Dolph smashes his own head into the mat. The show goes off the air with the saliva-faced snake doing his "I love you this much" arms.
In closing, fellas, I'd like to Thank you for the opportunity to get my geek on and my putting my Wrestling thoughts on paper. Er..email...whatever.
Nachos, boobies and boners,
-Nicole, the adamantium voice of the Flawedcast Network
Cam Gullett
THE CHAMP...IS...HEEEERRREEE!!!
So I guess now we can welcome Cli...errr...Jon Drouin to the suck my dick
club. You are member #2,437,187. Although you are only the second guy to
ever join without money exchanging hands.
Before we get to the wrestling stuff I have a couple of things to mention
that were uncovered on the newest Gamer & Proud: Dustin Faber condemns Ryan
Gosling for being a fake kid toucher, but legitimately exonerates Michael
Jackson from any wrongdoing. It happened, and there's nothing you can do
about it.
Austin Sanders wants a showdown? Normally I would jump at the chance to get
all oiled up and have my way with a 19 year old boy, but I've already had
you kind sir, and I rarely go back for seconds at the ass buffet.
I saw that movie "Lawless" today and it reminded me a lot of WWE booking.
It had three great actors in Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman, and Guy Pearce, but
rather than focus on them it was all about the shittiest actor onscreen:
Shia LaBeeeeef!! Still it was the second best movie I watched all day
behind "Premium Rush" so 5 stars!
Whoever gets the best Cam Slam this week is entitled to ONE free hug from
me, after that you have to start paying me or my pimp, David Otunga gets
super pissed and throws his coffee on me.
As always,
"The Dashing Franchise" Cam Gullett
James Ryan
Greetings MNFers! It's me, James Ryan, "The Golden Voice of the
Flawedcast Network"! I've returned after a one week hiatus from the
Bag! And it looks like we're off and running with another live
commentary! Quick! Let's get to the action!
OPENING BET OF THE NIGHT: Over/Under 2 for the number of African
American Wrestlers on the WWE's Roster which will we be in action
tonight?
Speaking of action, let's get it on!!!
"You come at the King, you best not miss."
CM Punk quotes Omar Little 8 minutes into the show, and this could be
a sign of great things to come? I really hope Snoop and Chris don't
stop by and murder the mid card! But this is RAW and anything can
happen***!!!! ***within reason
CM Punk then channels his inner Cartman: "Respect mah Authoritah!!!"
Jesus, this big Ginger (No, not Cam), Sheamus is a stammering
blithering idiot (Yes, that one is Cam). He's seriously trying to
improv with CM Punk.
His line to Punk, "Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at
a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you
rather to take his word for it? No, I mean is, you can get a good look
at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's
gotta be your bull." Alright probably not in those words, but DATS
WHUT I HEARED!!!
Just like Cam, Sheamus and his joke fell flat. Propecia.com!
Stop Sheamus. Just stop. Keep to your stories about grandpappies and
your fellas, but don't ever try to go off book again.
Randy Orton is walking!! And showing off his Ed Hardy Tatts!! The Apex
Sex Predator vs the Male Cheerleader Showoff! NEXT!
Wait. If Punk just said he was the Best in the World, and he then
told Sheamus he was #2 on the pecking order. Where does the Apex
Predator land on that list?
ANSWER: 1 more Strike and he's off my television! #Strike4?
Great, my evening just got better! Vicki Guerrero and James Enright's
Teeth are now out to introduce...OH WHUT THA HAIL?!?!
My cable company just trolled the WWE and Vicki hardcore!! They just
randomly cut to a commercial!!! And it was a commercial for feminine
hygiene! HAHAHAHA! After a minute, the show returns with Ziggler
already in the ring. Totes missed "Here to Beep The
World!"#NightsRuined
Oh fuck you Orton, you just used Tully Blanchard's rope aided
slingshot suplex. How dare you. However, if he picked up Tully's
drug addiction, I wouldn't be mad.
Oh Chicago crowd, I thought you were smarkier than this. You're
actually chanting for RANDY?!?
Sign #1 of the Night Spotted: "I MISS LITA" I miss her tits more, good citizen.
Orton and Ziggler trade pinning attempts and Zigs gets the surprising
victory over the Asexual Predator! Randy probably just got confused
about that sequence and just gave up.
He's leaving for 12 Rounds Reloaded in a matter of weeks! Can't wait
for this topic to trend: #OrtonDiesinFireyStuntGoneWrong!
And what do we have here?!? Miz's music hits? Is he coming out to
jab Orton about his loss? Uh, no...Miz is now tonight's color
commentator! And I have officially lost interest for the 2nd time for
tonight's RAW!
Miz, stop the Smug Duck Face.
#ANGERCOLLAGES!!!
Tag Team Action! Rey Misterio and El Mexicano vs Man-Baby Enright and
Lispy Rhodes!!! Should be a slabberknocka!!!
Or not. Well that was a clusterfuck of a tag match. Two of those guys
need to be off television for a while or forever. Though Rey looked
surprisingly quick on his feet. He also looked slimmer.
Anger Management Part 2! Light as a feather, stiff as a board! Trust
building exercise!
FUCK YOU HAROLD!! #YES! Future Tag Team Partners?!?!? I'm getting that vibe.
We may see more of Harold in the future, as he is indy wrestler, Scorpio Sky.
Ok, 1st hour main event is...CM PUNK vs Sheamus? Punk don't do Hour 1!
Punk's in street clothes!!! CM PUNK says: "Happy Labor Day, jamokes!
I'm outta here!" #PersonalDay
Sheamus is now going to fight...Ellen DeGeneres?
Shockingly, Sheamus gets the submission victory with one of the
sloppiest Texas Cloverleaves (Cloverleafs?) ever on Swagger.
Sheamus has shown in the past that he hates Mexicans and now hates
lesbians. Pornstar Daisy Marie, watch your back!
DIVAS!
Question of the Night: Is there any other female hairstyle other than
the Blond on top, brunette on bottom that just screams "I do DPs for
free kamikaze shots!"
Answer: NOPE! #Kaitlyn4DP
Miz and Layla need to be removed from my television with this god
awful banter. That was horrible. It distracted me from the 5 Star
Divas Match of the Night! #CopyrightScottTaylor
Nice ass on Eve though. #POWERBOTTOM
News item of the Week: The buzz on the interwebz is that Kaitlyn was
not supposed to win the Divas Battle Royale two weeks ago. When
Kaitlyn clotheslined Meat Drapes over the top and she missed the ring
apron hit the ground. #Derp
Jack Swagger lost and he's is leaving! He's better than this losing
streak! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE!!!
#IAmNotaNugget! #RIPOWEN
Hey Taz, what's Jock Snagger doing in the Impact Zone?!?!
Anger Management #3: SHUT UP HAROLD!
Miz is trying his best to do a Robert DeNiro impression behind the
commentator desk while Cole speaks.
Question of the Night #2: Why does Miz constantly have a Shit Eating
Grin on his face?
Answer: Cause he eats shit!
Up Next: James Enright's Teeth vs An Honest to God Red Dot Injun! Nice
to see Ryback's Conjunctivitis cleared up!
Hey Chris, in layman's terms, that's Pink Eye. Repeat after me,
"kuhn-juhngk-tuh-vahy-tis" How are you allowed to be a teacher? Oh,
wait, Arkansas. Carry on.
Twitter Poll of the Night! Hey Mexican Tweens and other assorted
CHUDS! #WWEMATCH, #WWETAG, #WWEHUG, or #WWEMAEBY
The Universe has spoken!! Daniel Bryan and Kane hug it out!!! OMG!
AN ENTOURAGE REFERENCE!!! I LUV TOPICAL JOKEZ!!!!
Sign of the Night #2: "MAYBE... MAYBE... MAYBE..." #ChrisAltsRingTone
Ladies and Gentlemen, the rules of a “Hug It Out” match are as follows:
- Both competitors must embrace at the same time
- Said embrace must be held for a referee's ten-count
- Half-hugs nor chest bumps do not count
- There is no time limit for the match, because this sort of thing is
special, and needs to be dragged out
- A warning to the audience, we don't blame you if you were watching
us at this point, stopped, and didn't return. But this is something
that Vince has been laughing at for the last 4 hours before the show
went live.
HUGS!! This is awesome. I actually find this pretty funny, even if
they did drag it out. But the crowd was eating it up. Daniel Bryan
almost broke character and started laughing when he yelled out "You
didn't hug me back!"
Now trending, #WWEHUG! Hugs, not drugs! And speaking of which, if
your parents didn't do either of those, you wouldn't be here with us
tonight, Austin Sanders.
This reminded me of the awkward hug in Step Brothers.
gifsoup.com/MTc0NjI1Mw
one for the forum people:
GIFSoup
This went from man on man embrace to man on man violence!!! #WankMaterial4Cam
Will these two will let bygones be bygones and form a tag team called
"The Brothers of Yestruction"?
Ladies and gentlemen, US Champ, Antonio "Don't call me Claudio
Castagnoli" Cesaro! The Cobra doesn't work without the snake sock.
Uh-huh. He hits the Neutralizer for the win to retain! He needs to
stay away from Santino.
Zack Ryder vs Heath Slater. I really fuckin hate these two dorks.
Ryder's a fan of Guitar Hero? Who plays that shitty game still? Are
his bandmates Jimmy Rave and Vance Archer?
That was a really uncomfortable skit with Vicki and AJ. I really
dislike Vicki. Why didn't AJ just fire Vicki and then attack her, or
dust herself off after the slap and force Vicki to face one of the
Heel Divas? Or face a male wrestler who isn't afraid to hit a woman.
Paging Jackson Andrews, you're needed at Gorilla Position.
Oh shit, it's main event time... Did you see Cena high 5 the Macho
Man!?!? Notice how the camera did not focus in on him?
Cena gets suplexed through announce table! HOLY SHIT! Pin attempt by
Del Rio! No sell! What the hell? Dude with a history of neck
surgeries, plural, gets belly-to-back suplexed through the announce
table and still kicks out? What's it going to take?
Vicious microphone shot to Cena's shoulder!!! Time to visit your
optometrist, Del Rio!
Cena gazes into the camera and gives us all a wink! OH HAHA! Fuck
you Cena! You just broke the 4th wall!!!
Here we go a brawling backstage! If you don't smell CM Punk coming
back to nail Cena, then... oh Jesus, flying trash can! Filled with
empty water bottles!!! #HHHwuzHere
Derr, called it! Stiff kick to Cena's ear by Punk! Del Rio with the
pinfall victory on Super Cena! So a surprise kick to the back of the
head can get Cena pinned, but a surprise suplex through a table does
not. Fair enough.
CM Punk with a GTC on Cena! Go To Chrystler!! Respect Deez Nutz
Cena! Holy Shit! Heyman's been hired as Punk's driver! Beep beep!
Embrace the hate, Dickface!
Final Thoughts
1. Does that mean we have a New New Dangerous Alliance? Heyman, Punk,
Lesnar? Anyone else? a debuting Seth Rollins? or Alex Shelly?
Kassius Ohno? A retooled Jack Swagger? CM Punk has said in the past
that he's a "Heyman Guy" Not to be confused with Brian VanAlstyne who
is a "Hyman Guy"
2. If you said Under for the opening bet, you win! One! One of the
WWE's 10+ African American Wrestlers were on tonight's 3 hour RAW.
Even though he sounds like a white guy, David Otunga, Esq, is indeed
of African American heritage! Thanks for playing!
3. So AW gets fired for a Kobe Rape joke, but Funkadactyl Cameron
gets nabbed for a DUI, then offers the cops a $10,000 bribe to let her
go and all she gets is a whopping 15 Day suspension. I'm sorry, what
the fuck is up with that?
4. David Otunga representing Del Rio/Alberto and their potential
lawsuit against Sheamus. I smell awful train wreck. #BirdLawExpert
5. Anyone see Macho Man in the crowd? Cena gave him a high five. The
camera men were obviously given instruction to not get him on camera,
but after the show went off air, Cena actually brought him into the
ring and the crowd went insane. I'm sure Vince just loved that. I
will hand it to Cena, as he's pretty much the only wrestler who could
do something like this and not get in trouble. Though, they'll
probably just fire someone like Zach Ryder to stick it to him.
i72.photobucket.com/albums/i200/BeerBaron721/machomanRAW.jpg
forums:
That's all I got. Hope you guys have a great show,
James Ryan
The Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network
PS: I found out why Nate didn't have enough time to write an email for
our King of the Ring Tourney a few weeks ago. I lifted a picture from
his work's cameras and you can plainly see his computer was just
acting slow.
i72.photobucket.com/albums/i200/BeerBaron721/Nate.jpg
forums:
JB King
WHATS MY FUCKING NAAAAAMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!!
Say it again! STILL WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Wooooooo! Two weeks strong
baby! Suck my nuts, I’m taking a personal day.
.....
Just kidding. Hello again to giggle shits and the pie eater. I write to you
in good spirits. Sorry if it took me so long to join you on facebook, but I
haven’t used it in about eight months because I never had a reason to and
just always preferred twitter. Now, I have even more of a reason to not use
it, thanks. Seriously Andy how many likes do you need for a fucking TROUT
comment?
By the way I’m sorry you lost the pie eating contest. Perhaps this is karma
for mocking my soon to be contribution to Dandora Radio. You called me a
massive vagina for making a setlist as a tribute to my father. Well, that’s
okay. You call me a vag, and I say you are what you eat. That’s right, JB
KING eats box like James Enright eats everything else. And by that I mean
there is excessive use of the tongue and little to no chewing. Not sure why
I just said that but I’ll go with it. Guess it’s better than being known as
an illiterate retard.
But now to the real reason I made this email. Andy, with the NFL season
starting I wanted to see if you would place a bet with me. Your Chargers
are facing my Raiders this week. Sure the game will be terrible, but let’s
try and make something fun come from this. If my Raiders win, you have to
read Scott Taylor’s next impact recap with your horrible sounding Ray
Ramano voice. If your Chargers win, I will do a recap for the worst shows
on TV, Here comes Honey BooBoo. However, I don’t want it to be read on TV
for Vendetta because the last thing I need to hear is Bryan masturbating
over something I read. Plus I know Demcko is into some weird sex shit so
who knows. Anyway enough about those two lispy sex starved monsters… What
do say sir?
Good. Now on to Chris. Sorry to disappoint you but I am not dead. I am not
undead either, not sure why Dustin Faber was making that statement on Gamer
and Proud. Had no idea Catholics believed in voodoo. It was almost as
disturbing with Faber’s deep obsession with Ryan Gosling. The again he is a
Doucheboat (that’s a combination of a douchebag and dreamboat) so I don’t
blame you. Then Dustin has the audacity to compare me to a boring Peter Pan
movie. Seriously? Who references Hook in 2012?!?!? Fuck you and your shitty
show. Ok, now see here King, we may not be the most professionally run
network in the world but we try and do our best you asshole. We make sure
everything here runs as smooth as possible and we do this for free you
dick. And another thing…
(We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by + music)
-so don’t tell us that we can’t do a show without mistakes or technical
problems you asshole. Anyway he continues.
Congrats to Cam Gullet for furthering my point on how completely pointless
this tournament is now. Or maybe I should just blame Jon boy for chocking
last week. I haven’t seen dropped balls like that since Damien Sandow went
into puberty. Speaking of watching balls drop; Cam, I seriously hope you
continue to advance in this tournament as fast as your AIDS advance through
your dying body. Please prove to the world that Magic Johnson isn’t the
only success story with HIV. Because AIDS has had a bad rap for quite some
time now. I will be you marketing department. “YES WE CAM” seemed like a
decent slogan, but I went with a modest twist to an old watch slogan, “Cam
Gullet…. takes a dickin’ and keeps on licking” Needs work, but I’ll let you
know. Good luck faggot (gives Austin Sanders $20).
James Enright…. that’ll do pig.
It’s time to filibuster! Question time!
Question One: Apparently, there has been a few Daniel Bryan “YES” chants
going on at the Oakland A’s game. No this is real, look it up on Youtube.
Josh Reddick uses Flight of the Valkyries as his batting theme now. The
crowd seems to dig it and they are going along with it nicely.
Unfortunately, this same crowd apparently got attacked by a massive swarm
of bees. Take a look.
i43.tinypic.com/33v17h3.gif
Or maybe they were attacked by Little Jimmys. And if you are wondering,
yes, a Detroit fan later ran over there with a Ghidorah mask and fought
Drunkzilla. I have also seen the “YES” chant during the Miami Heat game
after Wrestlemania. My question to you guys is what wrestling chants such
as this would you love to see happen at a different sporting event? A walk
off homerun? Nascar crash? Peyton or Tebow getting crippled? I know we kind
of talked about this last week, but I’m lazy so have at it.
Question Two: Poor announcers. Josh Matthews is getting the shit kicked out
of him weekly. And CM Punk decided to beat up everyone’s favorite Dick
Tracy villain “Prune Face” aka Jerry Lawler. I’m Prune Tracy! Take that
Dickface! Even Matt Striker can barely get airtime and no one decided to
remember his name on Raw. My question is do you think this is going
somewhere? And don’t just say the AJ Lee angle because this is happening on
more than just Raw. Is there a story coming out of this or is this a way to
make a shift in the announcing booth such as switching Josh and King on the
shows or bring Matt Striker back on the table. Just wanted your thoughts?
Question Three: When should this Kane and Daniel Bryan feud end? Actually,
HOW should it end? If you carefully think about it, the main root to both
of their recent problems comes from AJ Lee. They must solve this problem
by taking care of the source. And if porn has taught me anything over the
years, this will probably end with Kane and Bryan giving AJ the Eifel
Tower. No need for protection because twelve year olds can’t get pregnant
yet right Bryan? JB KING making a sex joke about AJ? Guess he didn’t waste
any time. Talk about not beating around the ‘bush’ amirite? A-thank you.
Anyway, how do you guys want this feud to end?
Well that’s it tonight. I hear the bag pipes so I better get out of the
way. Good luck to Stu and Mic-pffft you know what fuck it, everyone vote
for Hodgey. This main event blows.
Love peace and penis grease,
Johnny
Michael Hodge
The King of the Ring Pee Pee Vee
Hey, Chrandy.
Speaking of Wait Til Next Year, I agree that it was necessary to shake things up, but I'm not sure taking the idea literally by having James Enright walk by the studio was the best way to go. #WeighTonsNowY'all
Hashtag? More like hash browns.
On to business, I'm not going to go the route of my esteemed opponent and recap wrestling shows here. First of all, you guys already do that. Secondly, I stopped watching wrestling altogether when Harry from Harry and the Hendersons popped out of AJ's pants to become the new Raw GM. I'm worried that thing's going to come at me out of my TV like the chick in The Ring. You see, Chris, The Ring was a movie...
Assuming Stu's not too busy tossing his
caber to a Rowdy Roddy Piper poster, I'm sure he's feeling pretty confident that he's going to get an easy win this week. Well, here's the thing, Stu: you're going to need to bring more than one minute of funny in a 15-minute e-mail this week.
It's an epic battle between Canada and Scotland. Bret Hart vs. Drew McIntyre. Chris Benoit vs. ... Drew McIntyre. Chris Jericho vs. ... hold on ... Bill Dundee (source: Wikipedia). Edge & Christian vs. (allegedly) the Highlanders (source: also Wikipedia). Want to know what other ways Canada's better than Scotland? You bet you do:
1. Canada's national anthem? O Canada.
Scotland's national anthem? Scotland the Brave.
2. Canada's national currency? The Canadian dollar -- $1 and $2 coins. Blue, brown, pink, and purple bills. It's got everything you could possibly want.
Scotland's national currency? The British pound. Not the Scottish pound, the British pound. Also, possibly the euro.
3. Canada's national animal? The mighty beaver.
Scotland's national animal? I shit you not: the unicorn. The fucking unicorn. The mytho-fucking-logical unicorn.
4. Canada's greatest hero? Wayne Gretzky.
Scotland's greatest hero? William Wallace. Gretzky would kill Wallace at the NHL skills competition. It's a no-contest.
5. Canada: Hodgey
Scotland: Stu
6. Canada: Has produced literally dozens of main-event wrestlers, including the aforementioned Roddy Piper (put it away, Stu)
Scotland: Drew McIntyre
7. Canada's national musical instrument: not the bagpipes
Scotland's national musical instrument: the bagpipes
8. Canada: This e-mail
Scotland: That e-mail
9. Canada: Mike Myers doing a Scottish accent
Scotland: Everyone doing a Scottish accent. Not very original, are they?
10. Canada: the RCMP -- the iconic national mounted police
Scotland: Scotland Yard -- headquarters of one of the most famous police forces in the world. Located in London.
I believe my point has been made.
And as an appeal to the voters, Stu is a mouse. A Scottish mouse. You can't vote for that shit.
That's it from me.
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey
Stu Little
Hodge Podge
Hey guys,
Boy. I sure love hats. Apparently. And I'm a hipster too...it seems. Jeez, James, I might actually be in some danger of looking bad if you put as much effort into your jokes as you do dinner, or as you call it "Operation Dessert Storm".
Anyway, big night tonight. The King of the Ring Quarter Finals. I've had my theme music changed out of respect for my opponents(and to not jinx myself any more than Andy and the part-timer have). I thought I'd go for something more low key...
I'll get to Hodgey soon enough but first I'll cover some Raw points:
-I officially hate the new theme now. Mostly because of the frequency of the ad breaks and how the bumper for those plays the same first line over and over and over again. The only novelty to the commercial breaks is the graphic they use which looks like a custom-made bowling ball with the Raw logo on it for some reason. Has there ever been a Bowling gimmick in wrestling?
-Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara teamed up for the FIRST TIME EVER on Raw...since the show 5 weeks ago where they were in a 6 man tag together. I'll also mention that a new wrinkle was added to the feud with Cody Rhodes promo from smackdown having him state that the reason Mexicans wear masks when they wrestle is because of their ugliness. I can't believe this racism has flew under the radar! I'd suggest that Cody might as well follow this up with a rant about jews, but I checked a list of current WWE superstars who are jewish and
1. I don't think Kane's CHARACTER is meant to be jewish, given how many crosses his brother's burned over the years
2. I don't think Tensai is ready for a face turn...
Also, can Rey ease back on all the Question Marks on his in ring gear? I know his name is "Mysterio", but at this rate, I expect his next Promo to be "Riddle Me This...Donde Esta La Biblioteca?
-Can we go back to Ryback squashing jobbers? At least we'd have the entertainment value of the funny names those guys would have i.e. Jensen Conrad, Tobias Lockwood, and (hopefully) Benedict Cumberbatch.
-I really enjoyed the Kane/Bryan hug segment, though I will say if you were one of the people who voted for that, you are in my book a party to sexual harassment. You forced those two men who roll around with half naked guys on a nightly basis to instead have to do something uncomfortable and homoerotic! That said, Andy, given that you emulated WWE's TOUT with TROUT and "Ejaculate", when are you going to implement a similar interactive voting elemen? When are you going to get Flaw Active? I'd love to be able to directly impact the events of the show. Here's one example of a poll you could run:
How should James Enright be "rewarded" for his comedic efforts?
#PlateOfLettuce
#KickToTheNuts
#NavalManeuversWithCamGullet
Okay, enough stalling. Time for the main event. Hodgey, my Thor-loving canadian friend, I understand you put your house up for sale not that long ago. Moving huh? Good thing, because Hodgey, WE COMIN' FO' YOU, HOSER!
i.imgur.com/WWqhu.gif
Ah, who am I kidding? I can't work up any real hatred for a beloved colleague such as yourself. It'd be like beating up on a little brother. Because what is a canadian, if not a poor man's scotsman?
-You guys say "aboot"
-You live in perpetual cold
-You have moose
-You're constantly in the shadow of the country south of the border from you
-We have football hooligans, you have Hockey
-"Nova Scotia", really?
-Roddy Piper's entire career of pretending to be scottish, despite not even trying to do any sort of accent.
And that's just the thing. In this situation, you're Roddy Piper, but I'm Drew MacIntyre. And we all know whose career we'd rather have, right? Oh wait...fuck.
Um...Oh, I know...
Michael Hodge? More like Michale Dodge-The-Draft-By-Going-To-Canada, amirite?
Fuck it, that'll have to do. Hopefully you'll just be too polite to even try to compete with me. If I lose, I can always claim everyone else was just using tactical voting because they were scared to face me. Buncha pussies.
Stu "apparently "or Nothing" this week" Little
P.S. Dedicated to Michael Clark Duncan, former member of my Expundables Draft Team. Rest In Peace.
