MNF 38/Male Bag 21
Sept 21, 2012 12:37:01 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Sept 21, 2012 12:37:01 GMT -5
Check out Monday Night Flaw and Male Bag 21 on www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw or iTunes then come back here and smack down your vote.
Austin Sanders
Austin Sanders Style
Meeng-gah-boo spear chuckers
That's hello in Africa.
YAY I'M BACK!
..........
QUESTIONS!
1.So as we see the destruction of Asian wrestling in the WWE be made
a mockery of in front of our non-slant eyes, this begs the question. How
many dead babies can you fit in a bathtub?
ANSWER:17
2. Why does Grandpa Gullet climb phone poles with bananas stuffed down his
shirt?
ANSWER: He has a debilitating disease. He's slowly losing touch with
reality.
3. So I don't know if you know this, but "The Viper" Randy has
been flipping the bird to the crowd at night of champions and loudly
cursing "FUCK" with his match with James Enright on RAW this week.
.....I don't have a question, just thought you faggots should know.
WELL that was a awkward question segment. Nothing got answered. Oh wait.
Cam's losing his family. Yeah something got answered.
Now it's time to get into the JUICY MEAT of the email! Calm down you fat,
overweight, oversize, pudgy, dumpy, fleshy, portly, thickset, plumpish,
frumpy, whale-like, porcine, rotund,obese, distended, chunky, bovine,
inflated, roly-poly, butterball, bulging, unfunny, Shitty,
Stupid, Unintelligent, autistic jerkface faggot piece of shit James Ryan.
FAGTAG! I'M IT!
Well I guess I should start with JB King.
Yeah you're funny...I guess. But a month worth of title reigns? seriously?
Lets be honest. The only reason your ass is a champ right now is because
Chris oversells the RAPE outta you. It's like Cole and Miz.
The ONLY reason.....THE ONLY DUCK TRUCKING REASON your champ is because of
that shiny headed bitch can't stop laughing so hard, with barely any
noise coming out, as he sits there clapping like a retarded seal. Oh and as
for you wanting me to get raped? I got something to say to that.
You know how you called me Flanders from the Simpsons? This "Flanders" is
coming for you.
Oh and one more thing.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
to.
To who?
To WHOM
Who and Whom are different, you fucking Grammar Jew prisoner.
Grammar Nazis. One at a time.
INTERMISSION!
What's the hardest thing about seeing a kid get hit by a truck?
Brain VanAlstynes dick.
Oh wait that's not a joke. That's....that's real life....Jesus Brain get
some help.
And finally, to Spence Hopkins.
I must make this entirely clear, I am not you. Why? Cause fags can't be
Austin Sanders.
You are nothing. You can't do shit in this email show that makes an impact.
And once more, you are below me.
Spence, Do you have ANY idea how long it took me to be RELEVANT HERE! Many
months kid. many months.
I will be DAMNED if you reach ANY KIND of success on the MaleBag in less
than a month. I would be the laughing stock of ALL of these people. I would
NEVER recover from such a bone shattering defeat. And I encourage everyone
to not vote for this pencil pushing faggot.
Go. Home.
.....................................................
lol jk I'm Spence.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
TheTallOne
PS.I got jokes if yall want some. Ya know. just for ghits and siggles.
1. What did the Homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing.
2.Why did the Black man buy 3 boxes of condoms?
Because he practices safe sex.
3. What's worst than 9/11
Atom Dan
4.What's worst that Finding gum under the table
The Holocaust.
Goodnight everybody
You probably skipped this. But Maybe you didn't.
But if you didn't
OMG YOU REALLLLLLY THOUGHT I WAS THAT SPENCE KID? HAHAHAHAHA
YOU FELL FOR IT! YOU FELL FOR IT AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
(R)
OMG YOU GUYS ARE 9/11
Spence Hopkins
*ultimate warrior snarl*
What it do cockbags? In honor of the theme song i was given last week i give you this.
*Ultimate Warrior voice as portrayed by Andy*
WARRIORS! WHEN I SPOKE TO THE GODS AND THEY DELIVERED THEIR FINAL SLICE OF PEPPERONI AND OLIVES, I TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY OF VIRTUOUS INTENSITY TO ASK FOR BELL PEPPERS FOR NONE OTHER THAN THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR. AFTER WHICH I TOOK THE EIGHTH OF THE PIE OF WHICH THE GODS HAD ENVISION FOR THE DIGESTION OF THE SOULS OF THE WARRIORS IN WHICH NEVER COULD DANCE IN THE LINE OF THE CHOSEN ONE FOR A SNACK THAT COULD FUEL UP THE JET PACK IN WHICH COULD LEAD THE BALLS OF THE OBLIVIOUS TO...... parts unknown.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE EGREGIOUS HEARTS OF MEN AND THE LIVERWURST OF THE WARLOCK BECOME INJECTED WITH THE TOOTHPASTE OF THE OMNIPOTENT? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE SYRUP OF THE CANADIANS IS CONSUMED ON THE PANCAKE OF THE FUTILE? WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN THE BUSH OF THE GENERAL MANAGER GETS OVERRUN WITH THE PAPERCLIPS OF THE SOUNDS OF HUNDREDS OF JASON MRAZ LYRICS AND ENCODES ITSELF INTO MP3 FORMAT? HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THE PAIN OF THE PAINLESS AND THE INTEREST OF RANDY ORTON? HOW DO YOU DO THESE THINGS IN WHICH THE POWERS OF THE GODS DID NOT SACRIFICE THE TESTICLES OF THE LANCE ARMSTRONG IN WHICH TO SEE THE PLANETS OF MORTALS BEGIN TO FLEA WITH LIMITLESS COUNTER PRODUCTICITY THAT IS... the Monday Night Flaw mailbag? WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN THE POWDER IN YOUR NOSE DISSIPATES INTO A PLETHORA OF JELLO PUDDING AND GATORADE? WARRIORS! HUMANS! DINGOS! HOGAN! ALL UNKNOWING COWBOYS FANS! ANGELS! DEMONS! TOM HANKS! WILL YOU RAISE THE HAND OF THE WANING EMAILER? WILL YOU LISTEN TO NICKLEBACK UNDER YOUR OWN FREE WILL? WILL YOU DANCE ON THE SPLEEN OF INCARCERATED POLAR BEARS? WILL YOU ENTER THE CAVE OF ENLIGHTENMENT? WILL YOU DRINK FROM THE GLASS IN STONE COLD'S ENTRANCE MUSIC? WILL YOU FEED THE GENITALS OF THE KARDASHIANS WITH THE POISON OF THE WHITE MANS PENIS THAT SHALL BE THE END TO THE REIGN OF TERROR THEIR WORDS OF DISENLIGHTENMENT HAVE BROUGHT UPON THE LIVES OF ALL THE WARRIORS TO HAVE COME BEFORE AND WILL COME IN THE NEVERLAND STANDING FUTURE? OR! WARRIORS! WILL YOU INHALE THE WHITE LINE OF POWER THAT HAST BEEN LAID UPON THE MIRROR OF ADRENALINE AND PARTAKE IN THE FUEL.... that my WARRIORS will soon.... not...... forget? *snarl* *then proceeds to snort all the aforementioned cocaine himself*
So, that just happened. And so did other things. In related news my Miami Dolphins say You're Welcome in their best Sandow voice for Pussyhammer Bush running all the fuck over the Raiders like Usain Bolt running from AJ's untamed bush mop. I never will bring myself to watch Honey Boo Boo but if JB King's recap is any indication, then it has to be the funniest thing since the fucking plague. Yup, even funnier than the holocaust. Also, it was good to hear you talk about Randy Orton's tattoo artist this week. Seriously, that shit eating cock is known for replacing tribal tattoos with skulls, and gets basically no credit for the wonderful job he did at making sure all of them were visible. Anyways, fuck it, Night of Champions was pretty good I guess. So we will see how they fuck that up at Hell in a Cell right?
Peace out jello blankets,
Spence
Dustin Hawes
Dustin Hawes shoots on Spence
So this is what it takes to get me to email I guess. This cockbag dude that
I told about your podcast cut a promo last week. I had to convince him to
listen, as he explained to me that listening to a wrestling podcast is
probably as gay as killing kids by masturbating to Chyna porn.
Nevertheless, I convinced him by informing him that the entire podcast is
based on clowning wrestling. So a few weeks later Spence Hopkins appears on
the mailbag. Spence, fuck your mother you irrelevant piece of condom juice.
I hope you Lawler the fuck out of your heart in your sleep. You are as
ungrateful as Mitt Romney is for people with less that $93 million in their
bank account. You are worse at your job than fucking Sin Cara, and you are
as intelligent as that fucking genius, Gucci Mane. Fuck you, you fucking
herpe scab.
Dustin
"James Enright"
From the Desk of James Enright
Andy and Chris,
You Spineless Liberals. Stand up and face a Real Man. I acknowledge that any of you fucksticks on this show could conceivably take the Spineless Lib part, so after Chris Alt gets destroyed so thoroughly by me the next one of you milquetoast fucks can step in to be eviscerated next. By eviscerated I mean I will literally eat your worthless torso. Cuz I'm fat n stuff. I'm gonna put a halt to all this fun that is going on to point out the fact that Cam Gullett has his head lodged so far up Andy and Chris's ass. Do you have an original or personal thought in your body? You just nod like a bobblehead for everything, unfunny or otherwise that those two say. I knew you guys had this cult of sorts where you worship each other and where you sandbag any sort of joke that comes by for about any of the holy triumvirate you dicks but I didn't think it was this bad. Disgusting. Cam - DID THEY POST SOMETHING YET? I GOTTA BE THE FIRST TO LIKE IT OR I'LL GET THE HOSE AGAIN. THEY WON'T PENETRATE MY BOTTOM IF I'M NOT THERE TO LIKE THEIR NEXT COMMENT. Cam's cute. He's like the retarded kid of the group that the popular boys let hang around. They know the tard will always just agree with them on everything they say. ANDY. I LIKED YOUR COMMENT. NOTICE ME---
FIVE
Yes. FIVE.
I'm starting a countdown. I'll be back in two weeks with the number four, and a vague taunt, and then forget about the whole thing.
What the hell happened? I'm gone for a couple of months, and there's new podcasts everywhere, there's new hosts on old shows, JB King is dead, and the top four emailers include Atom Dan, Cam, and Hodgey, but not King or Stu.
I was starting to worry that I wouldn't recognize the place at all, but then I heard Chris's familiar liberal rants, and realized I was on familiar ground. But the more things change, the more they stay the same, as the worst show on the Network remains Wait Til Next Year.
Alright, let's get this started the right way.
WELCOME! TO FLAW. IS. --- Who in the blue hell is James Enright? Who on earth thought it was a good idea to let him speak on a podcast? Can he at least wipe the soy sauce off his microphone? I finally accepted background sounds of trains, dogs, BOOBIES, clicking lighters, clinking beer bottles, and rocks of ice rattling around in strawberry margaritas, but I will never accept the godawful sound of James Enright chewing on that chocolate frosted GoodYear that Nate and Fred sent him.
Andy, I thought you were canceling a network show to make room for 6th Year Seniors? Well?
Since the Mets and Cubs won't be participating in the post-season, for the love of God, don't let that podcast continue into the playoffs. Solly can keep busy on his hockey podcast. Actually, isn't there a quota for Jewish podcasts? Fred, I know that your podcasts are like children to you, but you're going to have to make a choice. You have to decide which one can live.
And Nate, you need to start emailing this show again. You've gotten lazy and you could use the exercise of jumping from key to key on your laptop again. [punshouse.com!]
Send James back to the minor league wrestling federation where you found him.
In fact, let's all start calling him James "The Cashew King" Enright. Chris can take care of the rest.
Let's get this email back on track, and start from the top.
WELCOME!
TO FL---
And another thing Enright, what's with the internet tough guy ranting? Why are you so angry? Look, I know a good political rant when I see one, and of course I disagree with Chris on his misguided ideology, but he's clearly trying to make this country a better place. But you? You just sound bitter over being picked last at recess and ignored by all the girls at the sixth grade dance, so now you need to rant about your righteous superiority like Ann Coulter in a fat suit. Clean the cheese out of your ears and listen closely. It's called "Compassionate Conservative", not "Mashed Potato Conservative". Your hatred is leading you down a dangerous path, and you're only a couple of steps away from joining Westboro and protesting funerals. You need to take a step back from all this anger. T ry this. Grab the nearest Dyson. Attach one of the hose accessories, turn the power on, shove a frozen twinkie up your ass, and enjoy your Cam Gullett fantasy. Your infatuation with Cam and your intense need for approval from others is obvious. That's not a hate boner you have James, you're deflecting. Your self loathing over your raging closet homosexuality is apparent to us all . Just let it out. You'll feel much better afterwards. And I know it will be difficult for you to throw it away, but don't eat the frozen twinkie.
Here we go...
WELCOME!
TO FLAW.
IS.
CLIFF SNOTES!
Chris, you missed having Cliff Snotes around as an emailer? And I understand that I was Sarah's favorite, too. Well, that's cool, because I can officially steal Booker T's catchphrase, since I'm pretty sure I'll get to use it until the end of time. SINCE MY TOP TWO FANS LOVE ME SO MUCH THEY FORGET TO VOTE.
At least I know that if my life completely falls apart, I've got a home in Little Rock that will accept me as a stray. Sarah: I promise I will not put my feet on the coffee table, I'll help Chris with his Algebra homework, and I won't start any loud arguments about comic book superheroes at 1 am. Is there room for both me and Cam, or would there be a Thunderdome fight for rights to the backyard shack and access to the home computer when Chris isn't using it?
Chris, I thoroughly enjoyed your comments about moving on past "Breast Cancer Awareness", since most Americans are already *aware* of Breast Cancer. This is a brilliant idea. And I'll take it a step further. I think we as a society need to help out those special people in our lives that are lacking some fundamental education and awareness of common, basic things. Perhaps providing a "Cliffs Notes" version to help these special people better fit into our society. And we will call this segment: "You See, Chris".
You See, Chris, Barry Manilow was a popular singer and songwriter in the seventies. You don't have to be a weirdo and know all the lyrics to his songs by heart, but you at least need to recognize a few of them. I'm not asking you to read "Moby Dick", but just know that the book is about a Sperm Whale and Captain Ahab. Barry Manilow wrote Schmaltzy romantic ballads with lush arrangements, and was a contemporary of Bette Midler, only a little less masculine. I'm assuming you know Bette Midler... that's probably not smart of me. I'll put this in terms you can better understand. Take a clever well spoken guy like Lanny Poffo, mix in a dash of Mike Adamle femininity, and build it up to wild international success that yields backlash from passionate industry fans and critics, like John Cena. And you've got Barry Manilow.
... and while we're here. Bette Midler was a 70's pop version version of Jillian Hall, and Liberace was a much more flamboyantly gay Adrian Adonis.
And one more thing Chris, how does somebody go from "Mister Giggles" to "Kingslayer" in one week. Andy, how did you let this happen?
So this King of the Ring thing... Michael Hodge vs Atom Dan tonight? Let's make this more interesting. Winner gets to officially claim the residency of Edge, Christian, Jericho, and all the Canadian wrestlers who supposedly relocated to Florida. Just remember guys, you don't want to win the whole thing and be called "King" around here.
Onto wrestling. Did you guys hear that John "King of Make A Wish Foundation" Cena had surgery?
I'm not a big fan of JBL as a person, but from what I've caught lately, he absolutely is an improvement over The King, and has certainly made Cole work to keep up. However, I'm hearing that he isn't expected to be a regular co-host. Which is too bad.
And here we are on Male Bag 21. Happy 20th episode of Male Bag! [Or am I celebrating the twentieth episode too early...?].
Who cares! It's time for Chris and Andy to speak the lines I write and ACT! Starting Now!
The SCENE:
Andy and Chris are doing their podcast.
Andy: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Chris: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Andy: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Chris: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Andy: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Vince McMahon: James Enright, you're FIRED!
Scott Steiner: He's Fat!
....and SCENE.
Thanks guys.
I am back
I am the Five Time Champions of the World!
I am Cliff Snotes.
PS. Somebody get their act together and set up an email address for both Haters and IHOP. #TeamFaber. BOOBIES!
Cam Gullett
Stop me if you've heard this one before; two men have their way with Cam
Gullett.....
It took two men to knock The Big Red Dashing Franchise, Cam Gullett out of
the King of the Ring Tournament. Neither of them had cancer either. Suck on
that ham sandwich Big Jim! Wait, no don't do that. Always choose your food
thoroughly. Your digestive tract is working hard enough as it is.
The Retarded Enigma and The Hollywood Faggot had to team up to get me to go
down. Congrats boys, most people just use a $10 spot, but you thought you
could get away for free. Your bill is the the mail suckas.
Some people might be wondering why I would even bother to show my Aids
infested body on this here stage only week after being double teamed harder
than the Lindsay Lohan for an ounce of coke.
I am here because, as Jabba the Enright, uncovered on book of faces...I am
an Andy Gaston guy.
As always, The Big Red Dashing Franchise, Cam Gullett!!
Dustin Faber
Email, not from a female
Hello Gamer, I mean Monday Night Flaw!
I sure said some crazy things last week. I looked in the mirror and said,
Gee whillikers mirror circa 1957, I really went nutty last week. It was as
if I was drunk, yet no alcohol touched my lips.
OR DID IT? HAHAHA no not really it didn't.
I did have some wrestling "thoughts" to share this week. And since Dustin
Faber is listening, I'll say it really slow so he can understand. My God,
you'd think that guy was born without a brain and gallbladder. What a
ridiculous person he is. SHUT UP OTHER ME! Don't insult me when I'm talking
to myself.
Anyways, I was thinking about Cena's surgery. Do you think it's a real
surgery or a fake one, like that fake funeral that Boss Man crashed on Paul
Wight back in 1973? Personally, I think it's fake so when he beats CM
Punk, they can make it look like, "Oh Cena, he really beat the odds, he's
the underdog!" But then Punk wins it back a week later because Punk is
cooler and I don't like Cena. Yes, the writers listen to me.
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME! Wow, that was harsh and uncalled for. All caps? What
am I, a 16-year-old girl who got dumped by her boyfriend? Speaking of
stupid girls, why did every girl in 2002 use the Bradley Hand font? WHO THE
#*@($ IS BRADLEY HAND ANYWAYS? He really kills my will to live. OH MEH GERD!
In closing, I'm glad that Chris chose King over me. I am not a worthy
champion. Hell, I'm not really worthy of life either. Well, not IRL, cause
darn that would suck IRL if I died IRL. No, I meant I'm not worthy of life
on this show. I had a high a few weeks ago when I vanquished Cliff's Notes,
but since then it's not been the same. Since I can't get drunk, I've
over-caffeinated myself in hopes that it will go away. MAKE IT STOP! NO, I
need some drastic change in my life. And since taking up knitting would be
completely bisexual (why use the gays as an insult when we can drag the
indecisive people through the mud?), I'm going to do something different.
I need change. I need something great. Therefore, I am rescinding my own
decision to ban Cliff's Notes from the show. I am vacating my victory.
Cliff's Notes, come back to us. I don't know where you're going, just get
your ass back home.
Love,
Dustin Faber.
Stu Little
Women's Wellness Entertainment
Hey Andy and the wannabe sister-fucker. Pushed any kids out of windows this week, Chris?
The wrestling world was rocked this week when a cocky douche world champion retained his title on a technicality, due to his last defence ending in a draw. No, I'm not talking about "The Legend Taunter", "Apex Hunter" and "The Anaconda" C................M Punk. I mean JB King. I hope there's an asterisk next to his name in the record books. I'd make a Sandusky joke there, but I'm not that much of a hack yet.
The only thing I really want to bring up this week from WWE is John Cena's new attire. What a hypocrite. He accuses CM Punk of not really knowing himself and stealing Randy Savage's Elbow Drop, yet less than a week after sharing the ring with Bret Hart, adopts pink and black as his colours? Is he going to switch from the STF to the Sharpshooter next? He IS The Marine, after all. Or maybe they'll bring "Tha Trademarc" in to be the new Blue Blazer. Who Is That Masked Douche?
But in all seriousness, this Breast Cancer awareness thing is a weird partnership for a wrestling company to take. By all means show us some people enacting violence on each other and THEN cut to a PSA about a health issue. That makes sense. Not to mention, shouldn't the WWE really have a WOMAN as their big representative on this issue? Then again, I don't trust the writers enough to NOT make a storyline out of Alicia Fox being diagnosed with the condition or something. Maybe they should just stick to men, preferably one with breasts (Tensai's time to shine!) or a least one who already wears pink. Like Damian Sandow:
"Even I find it lamentable how this malignent disease visits such grievous harm upon many women's persons!"
Or Zack Ryder:
"Woo Woo Woo! Che-mo it.....BRO."
Or last resort, dress up a bunch of jobbers as tumors and feed them to...
Worse case scenario, the fans will start chanting "GOLD-BOOB! GOLD-BOOB! GOLD-BOOB!" instead.
Take care guys,
Stu
JB King
The King's last hurray.
Ladies and gentlemen our next emailer is the hardest working contributor on
this network. Hailing from Oxnard, California. A platinum member of
BRAZZERS.COM . He has more accolades than James Enright has teeth. He can
make Honey BooBoo enjoyable. He is the west coast killer, fat chick
thiller, has more gold than his fucking raiders in which he hates so
goddamn much right now…..-er. (sorry had to make that rhyme). He is
currently the longest reigning World Champion since April.
J! B! KING!
…
Thank you for introduction that I wrote for myself. Thanks me. Yes it is
your beloved champion. The (now) Latin King. Thanks Andy, had no idea
Mexicans went under the last name ‘Bellfield’. I thought Chris was the
asshole that came up with names that didn’t make sense or have any merit…eh
King Slayer? Good job, good effort Chris. I’m still world champion and
Jerry Lawler is still ticking.
Actually Chris, I wanted to talk to you for a minute about the results from
the last show. No, not about politics, calm down Bill Maher. About making
the right decision on keeping the belt on it’s rightful owner. Me. Please
take a look at the stilled photo and tell me what you see.
That’s right, James Enright. It is because of this walking lard ass I am
still your champion. I have to work my ass off suffering through Honey
BooBoo for your guys personal enjoyment. My hard work has put this place
and good spirits and should no longer be disputed. Thank you for not giving
the belt to Dustin Faber, that fucking drunk.
Dustin if you are listening to me in a somewhat sober and coherent state
than hear me out. Your actions last week were pathetic. Andy is trying his
best to cut out the booze and here you are taunting him with Scott Hall
impersonation. For shame! Can Dustin have Jake Roberts or Jeff Hardy’s
theme now? Does he go to church 5 times a week now just to get a hold of
that sweet Jesus juice? So his drunken tirade continued later in the week
by putting gasoline on the fire that was the IRL beef between the Monday
Night Flaw. Good going Barney Gumble. We are so much closer as a community
now.
Speaking of the elephant in the room, James Enright. Calm down Mama BooBoo.
Stop eating that frozen twinkie and listen up. Just hug it out with Andy.
Gotta be topless though. I want to see what two Manatees fighting looked
like. Then again, I get your frustration James. I would be frustrated too
if haven’t seen my dick in 3 years. Wait, hold on, this James isn’t the IC
champ? My bad.
James Ryan. Goddamnit how did you not win last week? I even worked with you
to have the best possible email. Now I have to give you insults called
fagtags? Gee Chris, how did you ever come up with such a clever name all by
yourself? Anyway, let me think for a minute. Hmmm, James I wish for
something bad to happen to you. I was going to say I wish you’d get
hemorrhoids but I figure you gays just call them speedbumps so I won’t
bother. I hope you go blind from a bad homemade batch of beer….sigh you
know what stop. Sorry I can’t. I’ll admit, I’m running low on material.
Yes, your world champion is burned out. Working two shows has exhausted me.
I apologize for this bad attempt of an email. There will be no new memes,
no bush references, no ray ramano jokes, fat jokes, or anything else to
mock this week. I’ve lost my smile. I’ll stop with the funny here and just
move on to the questions.
Question One: I’ve noticed you guys have been going with the motions too on
this show recently. I’m not sure if it’s because of Wait ‘til Benoit (or
whatever showed that can’t be named) has pissed you guys off or because
wrestling hasn’t been that great. In all honesty, despite the snarky
comments, how would you rate the current state of wrestling? (please take
your time)
Question Two: Sike! No more questions! Time for the biggest swerve of the
night! You want to know why I’m going to win 5 weeks in a row? Here’s how!
…
..
.
Here comes Honey BooBoo is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Hey fuckers, it’s your only Honey BooBoo fan here with your SECOND here
Comes Honey BooBoo recap this week. Now Cue MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MUSIC!
...
This week’s bonus booboo is brought to you by the AA. Get better Dustin.
Anyway this week’s second recap for this week is “Fell for it” The synopsis
reads “Chris gets excited briefly as he thinks JB KING sent in another
BooBoo recap, but what Chris doesn’t know is that King aint here to pander
and that he can eat a bag of dicks.” Sounds eventuful!
Sorry about that. But I tell you what, If for some God awful reason I still
retain this week, my male bag submission next week will be a real Honey
BooBoo recap. I will stoop that low to keep the belt.
Love, peace the fuck out and penis grease.
For some reason your Latin King World Champion,
Johnny
Adam Dan
Hodge Kin Lymphoma
Revered Sir Hodge,
We have both been grossly underestimated to this point, and while I take no
real malicious umbrage with you, you stand in the way of my rightful ascent
to King of the Ring status. As such, I will pull no punches in proclaiming
my superiority over a plebian such as yourself. My dominance is made
clearly evident by the fact I single-handedly decimated your family's sole
claim to power. The Hodge Kin Lymphoma proved to be no match for my
intestinal fortitude, so it is logically and abundantly clear that you
stand less a chance at defeating me than James Enright has at controlling
the urge to scarf down his third vat of Chili Con Waffles.
For beginners, I have it on good authority that you are a moose fellator.
And not just any moose fellator... a Hat Trick Moose Fellator. I can
appreciate the first kind of moose you enjoy parking in your pouty Canadian
mouth and sucking on: Moosehead Lager. Perfectly acceptable. Any human male
of remotely reputable status understands the deliciousness of that fine
brew.
The other two moose are where you go overboard though, kind sir. Your taste
for the phallus of the large-antlered, cranially-massive quadrupeds of the
Great White North is borderline criminal. I'm sure you woo them with the
dulcet tones of your sneakily-disguised Canadian accent as you soothe their
anxiety with proclamations of "Come here, fella", and "Good boy" before
turning the tides and bellowing "IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RELEASE ROCKET RICHARD
(*ree-SHARD*) AND GO ALL GORDIE HOWE ON THAT SWEET MOOSE ASS! HODGEY
SHOOTS... HE SCORES!!!"
The Moose Fellatio Hat Trick is completed by your enjoyment of blowing one
John Roberts of Bryson City, North Carolina. I feel I need expound no
further on the utter disgust this mental image brings to the populace of
the human race. It transpired... and no effort on your part can alter its
existence.
I shall now focus of my initiative on that hirsute caterpillar you are
culturing on your upper lip and anterior cheek region. It appears as though
you have been enjoying your fine Canadian delicacy of Molson & Sloppy Joe's
a bit too much. Or perhaps you have been playing scat games with Gargamel
from The Smurfs. The most likely excuse, however, is your interminable joy
of Rimming James Ryan™. That's right, my plebes, the Hollywood Faggot has
the ass-cavity of a Wookie.
In conclusion, neither you nor your family belong in the same contention
with me. Enjoy your parting gifts, and I wish you well in your future
endeavours.
Good Day, Sir.
-Master Gator
P.S. Austin Sanders is still a stupid fart face.
P.P.S. Dustin Faber enjoys sniffing Austin's face.
Michael Hodge
Pee Pee Vee Semifinals
Hey, Chrandy.
That "Kingslayer" nickname's not working out so well for you, is it Chris? And after you tried so hard to live the gimmick by fathering several children on your hot sister. I heard she likes a little Lannister in the canister.
Game of Thrones? More like
Game of Damaged Chromosomes, am I right, Adam Dan?
I was going to make some kind of joke about Adam Dan's astrological sign being Cancer, but it's not. It's Taurus, because it's bullshit that he got to keep living. Also because his Taurus is the only place he's allowed to have Internet access.
Speaking of which, the "porn" Adam Dan's wife caught him watching online? Tim Tebow game tape. He's not allowed to watch Jets games anymore either.
What's the difference between Adam Dan and Santino Marella? Santino's character still seems fresh by comparison.
What's the difference between Adam Dan and Jay Leno? Leno's jokes seem funny by comparison.
What's the difference between Adam Dan and Jim Duggan? People were happy when Duggan beat cancer.
But that's just mean. I don't actually wish Adam Dan had died a slow and excruciating death. Quick and painless would have been fine by me. But as we've all seen from his e-mails, the only
thing Adam Dan knows how to be is slow and excruciating.
He is the Atomic One. His atomic number? 5 (Boron)
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey
Austin Sanders
Austin Sanders Style
Meeng-gah-boo spear chuckers
That's hello in Africa.
YAY I'M BACK!
..........
QUESTIONS!
1.So as we see the destruction of Asian wrestling in the WWE be made
a mockery of in front of our non-slant eyes, this begs the question. How
many dead babies can you fit in a bathtub?
ANSWER:17
2. Why does Grandpa Gullet climb phone poles with bananas stuffed down his
shirt?
ANSWER: He has a debilitating disease. He's slowly losing touch with
reality.
3. So I don't know if you know this, but "The Viper" Randy has
been flipping the bird to the crowd at night of champions and loudly
cursing "FUCK" with his match with James Enright on RAW this week.
.....I don't have a question, just thought you faggots should know.
WELL that was a awkward question segment. Nothing got answered. Oh wait.
Cam's losing his family. Yeah something got answered.
Now it's time to get into the JUICY MEAT of the email! Calm down you fat,
overweight, oversize, pudgy, dumpy, fleshy, portly, thickset, plumpish,
frumpy, whale-like, porcine, rotund,obese, distended, chunky, bovine,
inflated, roly-poly, butterball, bulging, unfunny, Shitty,
Stupid, Unintelligent, autistic jerkface faggot piece of shit James Ryan.
FAGTAG! I'M IT!
Well I guess I should start with JB King.
Yeah you're funny...I guess. But a month worth of title reigns? seriously?
Lets be honest. The only reason your ass is a champ right now is because
Chris oversells the RAPE outta you. It's like Cole and Miz.
The ONLY reason.....THE ONLY DUCK TRUCKING REASON your champ is because of
that shiny headed bitch can't stop laughing so hard, with barely any
noise coming out, as he sits there clapping like a retarded seal. Oh and as
for you wanting me to get raped? I got something to say to that.
You know how you called me Flanders from the Simpsons? This "Flanders" is
coming for you.
Oh and one more thing.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
to.
To who?
To WHOM
Who and Whom are different, you fucking Grammar Jew prisoner.
Grammar Nazis. One at a time.
INTERMISSION!
What's the hardest thing about seeing a kid get hit by a truck?
Brain VanAlstynes dick.
Oh wait that's not a joke. That's....that's real life....Jesus Brain get
some help.
And finally, to Spence Hopkins.
I must make this entirely clear, I am not you. Why? Cause fags can't be
Austin Sanders.
You are nothing. You can't do shit in this email show that makes an impact.
And once more, you are below me.
Spence, Do you have ANY idea how long it took me to be RELEVANT HERE! Many
months kid. many months.
I will be DAMNED if you reach ANY KIND of success on the MaleBag in less
than a month. I would be the laughing stock of ALL of these people. I would
NEVER recover from such a bone shattering defeat. And I encourage everyone
to not vote for this pencil pushing faggot.
Go. Home.
.....................................................
lol jk I'm Spence.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
TheTallOne
PS.I got jokes if yall want some. Ya know. just for ghits and siggles.
1. What did the Homeless man get for Christmas?
Nothing.
2.Why did the Black man buy 3 boxes of condoms?
Because he practices safe sex.
3. What's worst than 9/11
Atom Dan
4.What's worst that Finding gum under the table
The Holocaust.
Goodnight everybody
You probably skipped this. But Maybe you didn't.
But if you didn't
OMG YOU REALLLLLLY THOUGHT I WAS THAT SPENCE KID? HAHAHAHAHA
YOU FELL FOR IT! YOU FELL FOR IT AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!
(R)
OMG YOU GUYS ARE 9/11
Spence Hopkins
*ultimate warrior snarl*
What it do cockbags? In honor of the theme song i was given last week i give you this.
*Ultimate Warrior voice as portrayed by Andy*
WARRIORS! WHEN I SPOKE TO THE GODS AND THEY DELIVERED THEIR FINAL SLICE OF PEPPERONI AND OLIVES, I TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY OF VIRTUOUS INTENSITY TO ASK FOR BELL PEPPERS FOR NONE OTHER THAN THE POWER OF THE WARRIOR. AFTER WHICH I TOOK THE EIGHTH OF THE PIE OF WHICH THE GODS HAD ENVISION FOR THE DIGESTION OF THE SOULS OF THE WARRIORS IN WHICH NEVER COULD DANCE IN THE LINE OF THE CHOSEN ONE FOR A SNACK THAT COULD FUEL UP THE JET PACK IN WHICH COULD LEAD THE BALLS OF THE OBLIVIOUS TO...... parts unknown.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE EGREGIOUS HEARTS OF MEN AND THE LIVERWURST OF THE WARLOCK BECOME INJECTED WITH THE TOOTHPASTE OF THE OMNIPOTENT? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE SYRUP OF THE CANADIANS IS CONSUMED ON THE PANCAKE OF THE FUTILE? WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN THE BUSH OF THE GENERAL MANAGER GETS OVERRUN WITH THE PAPERCLIPS OF THE SOUNDS OF HUNDREDS OF JASON MRAZ LYRICS AND ENCODES ITSELF INTO MP3 FORMAT? HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH THE PAIN OF THE PAINLESS AND THE INTEREST OF RANDY ORTON? HOW DO YOU DO THESE THINGS IN WHICH THE POWERS OF THE GODS DID NOT SACRIFICE THE TESTICLES OF THE LANCE ARMSTRONG IN WHICH TO SEE THE PLANETS OF MORTALS BEGIN TO FLEA WITH LIMITLESS COUNTER PRODUCTICITY THAT IS... the Monday Night Flaw mailbag? WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN THE POWDER IN YOUR NOSE DISSIPATES INTO A PLETHORA OF JELLO PUDDING AND GATORADE? WARRIORS! HUMANS! DINGOS! HOGAN! ALL UNKNOWING COWBOYS FANS! ANGELS! DEMONS! TOM HANKS! WILL YOU RAISE THE HAND OF THE WANING EMAILER? WILL YOU LISTEN TO NICKLEBACK UNDER YOUR OWN FREE WILL? WILL YOU DANCE ON THE SPLEEN OF INCARCERATED POLAR BEARS? WILL YOU ENTER THE CAVE OF ENLIGHTENMENT? WILL YOU DRINK FROM THE GLASS IN STONE COLD'S ENTRANCE MUSIC? WILL YOU FEED THE GENITALS OF THE KARDASHIANS WITH THE POISON OF THE WHITE MANS PENIS THAT SHALL BE THE END TO THE REIGN OF TERROR THEIR WORDS OF DISENLIGHTENMENT HAVE BROUGHT UPON THE LIVES OF ALL THE WARRIORS TO HAVE COME BEFORE AND WILL COME IN THE NEVERLAND STANDING FUTURE? OR! WARRIORS! WILL YOU INHALE THE WHITE LINE OF POWER THAT HAST BEEN LAID UPON THE MIRROR OF ADRENALINE AND PARTAKE IN THE FUEL.... that my WARRIORS will soon.... not...... forget? *snarl* *then proceeds to snort all the aforementioned cocaine himself*
So, that just happened. And so did other things. In related news my Miami Dolphins say You're Welcome in their best Sandow voice for Pussyhammer Bush running all the fuck over the Raiders like Usain Bolt running from AJ's untamed bush mop. I never will bring myself to watch Honey Boo Boo but if JB King's recap is any indication, then it has to be the funniest thing since the fucking plague. Yup, even funnier than the holocaust. Also, it was good to hear you talk about Randy Orton's tattoo artist this week. Seriously, that shit eating cock is known for replacing tribal tattoos with skulls, and gets basically no credit for the wonderful job he did at making sure all of them were visible. Anyways, fuck it, Night of Champions was pretty good I guess. So we will see how they fuck that up at Hell in a Cell right?
Peace out jello blankets,
Spence
Dustin Hawes
Dustin Hawes shoots on Spence
So this is what it takes to get me to email I guess. This cockbag dude that
I told about your podcast cut a promo last week. I had to convince him to
listen, as he explained to me that listening to a wrestling podcast is
probably as gay as killing kids by masturbating to Chyna porn.
Nevertheless, I convinced him by informing him that the entire podcast is
based on clowning wrestling. So a few weeks later Spence Hopkins appears on
the mailbag. Spence, fuck your mother you irrelevant piece of condom juice.
I hope you Lawler the fuck out of your heart in your sleep. You are as
ungrateful as Mitt Romney is for people with less that $93 million in their
bank account. You are worse at your job than fucking Sin Cara, and you are
as intelligent as that fucking genius, Gucci Mane. Fuck you, you fucking
herpe scab.
Dustin
"James Enright"
From the Desk of James Enright
Andy and Chris,
You Spineless Liberals. Stand up and face a Real Man. I acknowledge that any of you fucksticks on this show could conceivably take the Spineless Lib part, so after Chris Alt gets destroyed so thoroughly by me the next one of you milquetoast fucks can step in to be eviscerated next. By eviscerated I mean I will literally eat your worthless torso. Cuz I'm fat n stuff. I'm gonna put a halt to all this fun that is going on to point out the fact that Cam Gullett has his head lodged so far up Andy and Chris's ass. Do you have an original or personal thought in your body? You just nod like a bobblehead for everything, unfunny or otherwise that those two say. I knew you guys had this cult of sorts where you worship each other and where you sandbag any sort of joke that comes by for about any of the holy triumvirate you dicks but I didn't think it was this bad. Disgusting. Cam - DID THEY POST SOMETHING YET? I GOTTA BE THE FIRST TO LIKE IT OR I'LL GET THE HOSE AGAIN. THEY WON'T PENETRATE MY BOTTOM IF I'M NOT THERE TO LIKE THEIR NEXT COMMENT. Cam's cute. He's like the retarded kid of the group that the popular boys let hang around. They know the tard will always just agree with them on everything they say. ANDY. I LIKED YOUR COMMENT. NOTICE ME---
FIVE
Yes. FIVE.
I'm starting a countdown. I'll be back in two weeks with the number four, and a vague taunt, and then forget about the whole thing.
What the hell happened? I'm gone for a couple of months, and there's new podcasts everywhere, there's new hosts on old shows, JB King is dead, and the top four emailers include Atom Dan, Cam, and Hodgey, but not King or Stu.
I was starting to worry that I wouldn't recognize the place at all, but then I heard Chris's familiar liberal rants, and realized I was on familiar ground. But the more things change, the more they stay the same, as the worst show on the Network remains Wait Til Next Year.
Alright, let's get this started the right way.
WELCOME! TO FLAW. IS. --- Who in the blue hell is James Enright? Who on earth thought it was a good idea to let him speak on a podcast? Can he at least wipe the soy sauce off his microphone? I finally accepted background sounds of trains, dogs, BOOBIES, clicking lighters, clinking beer bottles, and rocks of ice rattling around in strawberry margaritas, but I will never accept the godawful sound of James Enright chewing on that chocolate frosted GoodYear that Nate and Fred sent him.
Andy, I thought you were canceling a network show to make room for 6th Year Seniors? Well?
Since the Mets and Cubs won't be participating in the post-season, for the love of God, don't let that podcast continue into the playoffs. Solly can keep busy on his hockey podcast. Actually, isn't there a quota for Jewish podcasts? Fred, I know that your podcasts are like children to you, but you're going to have to make a choice. You have to decide which one can live.
And Nate, you need to start emailing this show again. You've gotten lazy and you could use the exercise of jumping from key to key on your laptop again. [punshouse.com!]
Send James back to the minor league wrestling federation where you found him.
In fact, let's all start calling him James "The Cashew King" Enright. Chris can take care of the rest.
Let's get this email back on track, and start from the top.
WELCOME!
TO FL---
And another thing Enright, what's with the internet tough guy ranting? Why are you so angry? Look, I know a good political rant when I see one, and of course I disagree with Chris on his misguided ideology, but he's clearly trying to make this country a better place. But you? You just sound bitter over being picked last at recess and ignored by all the girls at the sixth grade dance, so now you need to rant about your righteous superiority like Ann Coulter in a fat suit. Clean the cheese out of your ears and listen closely. It's called "Compassionate Conservative", not "Mashed Potato Conservative". Your hatred is leading you down a dangerous path, and you're only a couple of steps away from joining Westboro and protesting funerals. You need to take a step back from all this anger. T ry this. Grab the nearest Dyson. Attach one of the hose accessories, turn the power on, shove a frozen twinkie up your ass, and enjoy your Cam Gullett fantasy. Your infatuation with Cam and your intense need for approval from others is obvious. That's not a hate boner you have James, you're deflecting. Your self loathing over your raging closet homosexuality is apparent to us all . Just let it out. You'll feel much better afterwards. And I know it will be difficult for you to throw it away, but don't eat the frozen twinkie.
Here we go...
WELCOME!
TO FLAW.
IS.
CLIFF SNOTES!
Chris, you missed having Cliff Snotes around as an emailer? And I understand that I was Sarah's favorite, too. Well, that's cool, because I can officially steal Booker T's catchphrase, since I'm pretty sure I'll get to use it until the end of time. SINCE MY TOP TWO FANS LOVE ME SO MUCH THEY FORGET TO VOTE.
At least I know that if my life completely falls apart, I've got a home in Little Rock that will accept me as a stray. Sarah: I promise I will not put my feet on the coffee table, I'll help Chris with his Algebra homework, and I won't start any loud arguments about comic book superheroes at 1 am. Is there room for both me and Cam, or would there be a Thunderdome fight for rights to the backyard shack and access to the home computer when Chris isn't using it?
Chris, I thoroughly enjoyed your comments about moving on past "Breast Cancer Awareness", since most Americans are already *aware* of Breast Cancer. This is a brilliant idea. And I'll take it a step further. I think we as a society need to help out those special people in our lives that are lacking some fundamental education and awareness of common, basic things. Perhaps providing a "Cliffs Notes" version to help these special people better fit into our society. And we will call this segment: "You See, Chris".
You See, Chris, Barry Manilow was a popular singer and songwriter in the seventies. You don't have to be a weirdo and know all the lyrics to his songs by heart, but you at least need to recognize a few of them. I'm not asking you to read "Moby Dick", but just know that the book is about a Sperm Whale and Captain Ahab. Barry Manilow wrote Schmaltzy romantic ballads with lush arrangements, and was a contemporary of Bette Midler, only a little less masculine. I'm assuming you know Bette Midler... that's probably not smart of me. I'll put this in terms you can better understand. Take a clever well spoken guy like Lanny Poffo, mix in a dash of Mike Adamle femininity, and build it up to wild international success that yields backlash from passionate industry fans and critics, like John Cena. And you've got Barry Manilow.
... and while we're here. Bette Midler was a 70's pop version version of Jillian Hall, and Liberace was a much more flamboyantly gay Adrian Adonis.
And one more thing Chris, how does somebody go from "Mister Giggles" to "Kingslayer" in one week. Andy, how did you let this happen?
So this King of the Ring thing... Michael Hodge vs Atom Dan tonight? Let's make this more interesting. Winner gets to officially claim the residency of Edge, Christian, Jericho, and all the Canadian wrestlers who supposedly relocated to Florida. Just remember guys, you don't want to win the whole thing and be called "King" around here.
Onto wrestling. Did you guys hear that John "King of Make A Wish Foundation" Cena had surgery?
I'm not a big fan of JBL as a person, but from what I've caught lately, he absolutely is an improvement over The King, and has certainly made Cole work to keep up. However, I'm hearing that he isn't expected to be a regular co-host. Which is too bad.
And here we are on Male Bag 21. Happy 20th episode of Male Bag! [Or am I celebrating the twentieth episode too early...?].
Who cares! It's time for Chris and Andy to speak the lines I write and ACT! Starting Now!
The SCENE:
Andy and Chris are doing their podcast.
Andy: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Chris: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Andy: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Chris: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Andy: I am the FLAWEDCAST Champions Of The World!
Vince McMahon: James Enright, you're FIRED!
Scott Steiner: He's Fat!
....and SCENE.
Thanks guys.
I am back
I am the Five Time Champions of the World!
I am Cliff Snotes.
PS. Somebody get their act together and set up an email address for both Haters and IHOP. #TeamFaber. BOOBIES!
Cam Gullett
Stop me if you've heard this one before; two men have their way with Cam
Gullett.....
It took two men to knock The Big Red Dashing Franchise, Cam Gullett out of
the King of the Ring Tournament. Neither of them had cancer either. Suck on
that ham sandwich Big Jim! Wait, no don't do that. Always choose your food
thoroughly. Your digestive tract is working hard enough as it is.
The Retarded Enigma and The Hollywood Faggot had to team up to get me to go
down. Congrats boys, most people just use a $10 spot, but you thought you
could get away for free. Your bill is the the mail suckas.
Some people might be wondering why I would even bother to show my Aids
infested body on this here stage only week after being double teamed harder
than the Lindsay Lohan for an ounce of coke.
I am here because, as Jabba the Enright, uncovered on book of faces...I am
an Andy Gaston guy.
As always, The Big Red Dashing Franchise, Cam Gullett!!
Dustin Faber
Email, not from a female
Hello Gamer, I mean Monday Night Flaw!
I sure said some crazy things last week. I looked in the mirror and said,
Gee whillikers mirror circa 1957, I really went nutty last week. It was as
if I was drunk, yet no alcohol touched my lips.
OR DID IT? HAHAHA no not really it didn't.
I did have some wrestling "thoughts" to share this week. And since Dustin
Faber is listening, I'll say it really slow so he can understand. My God,
you'd think that guy was born without a brain and gallbladder. What a
ridiculous person he is. SHUT UP OTHER ME! Don't insult me when I'm talking
to myself.
Anyways, I was thinking about Cena's surgery. Do you think it's a real
surgery or a fake one, like that fake funeral that Boss Man crashed on Paul
Wight back in 1973? Personally, I think it's fake so when he beats CM
Punk, they can make it look like, "Oh Cena, he really beat the odds, he's
the underdog!" But then Punk wins it back a week later because Punk is
cooler and I don't like Cena. Yes, the writers listen to me.
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME! Wow, that was harsh and uncalled for. All caps? What
am I, a 16-year-old girl who got dumped by her boyfriend? Speaking of
stupid girls, why did every girl in 2002 use the Bradley Hand font? WHO THE
#*@($ IS BRADLEY HAND ANYWAYS? He really kills my will to live. OH MEH GERD!
In closing, I'm glad that Chris chose King over me. I am not a worthy
champion. Hell, I'm not really worthy of life either. Well, not IRL, cause
darn that would suck IRL if I died IRL. No, I meant I'm not worthy of life
on this show. I had a high a few weeks ago when I vanquished Cliff's Notes,
but since then it's not been the same. Since I can't get drunk, I've
over-caffeinated myself in hopes that it will go away. MAKE IT STOP! NO, I
need some drastic change in my life. And since taking up knitting would be
completely bisexual (why use the gays as an insult when we can drag the
indecisive people through the mud?), I'm going to do something different.
I need change. I need something great. Therefore, I am rescinding my own
decision to ban Cliff's Notes from the show. I am vacating my victory.
Cliff's Notes, come back to us. I don't know where you're going, just get
your ass back home.
Love,
Dustin Faber.
Stu Little
Women's Wellness Entertainment
Hey Andy and the wannabe sister-fucker. Pushed any kids out of windows this week, Chris?
The wrestling world was rocked this week when a cocky douche world champion retained his title on a technicality, due to his last defence ending in a draw. No, I'm not talking about "The Legend Taunter", "Apex Hunter" and "The Anaconda" C................M Punk. I mean JB King. I hope there's an asterisk next to his name in the record books. I'd make a Sandusky joke there, but I'm not that much of a hack yet.
The only thing I really want to bring up this week from WWE is John Cena's new attire. What a hypocrite. He accuses CM Punk of not really knowing himself and stealing Randy Savage's Elbow Drop, yet less than a week after sharing the ring with Bret Hart, adopts pink and black as his colours? Is he going to switch from the STF to the Sharpshooter next? He IS The Marine, after all. Or maybe they'll bring "Tha Trademarc" in to be the new Blue Blazer. Who Is That Masked Douche?
But in all seriousness, this Breast Cancer awareness thing is a weird partnership for a wrestling company to take. By all means show us some people enacting violence on each other and THEN cut to a PSA about a health issue. That makes sense. Not to mention, shouldn't the WWE really have a WOMAN as their big representative on this issue? Then again, I don't trust the writers enough to NOT make a storyline out of Alicia Fox being diagnosed with the condition or something. Maybe they should just stick to men, preferably one with breasts (Tensai's time to shine!) or a least one who already wears pink. Like Damian Sandow:
"Even I find it lamentable how this malignent disease visits such grievous harm upon many women's persons!"
Or Zack Ryder:
"Woo Woo Woo! Che-mo it.....BRO."
Or last resort, dress up a bunch of jobbers as tumors and feed them to...
Worse case scenario, the fans will start chanting "GOLD-BOOB! GOLD-BOOB! GOLD-BOOB!" instead.
Take care guys,
Stu
JB King
The King's last hurray.
Ladies and gentlemen our next emailer is the hardest working contributor on
this network. Hailing from Oxnard, California. A platinum member of
BRAZZERS.COM . He has more accolades than James Enright has teeth. He can
make Honey BooBoo enjoyable. He is the west coast killer, fat chick
thiller, has more gold than his fucking raiders in which he hates so
goddamn much right now…..-er. (sorry had to make that rhyme). He is
currently the longest reigning World Champion since April.
J! B! KING!
…
Thank you for introduction that I wrote for myself. Thanks me. Yes it is
your beloved champion. The (now) Latin King. Thanks Andy, had no idea
Mexicans went under the last name ‘Bellfield’. I thought Chris was the
asshole that came up with names that didn’t make sense or have any merit…eh
King Slayer? Good job, good effort Chris. I’m still world champion and
Jerry Lawler is still ticking.
Actually Chris, I wanted to talk to you for a minute about the results from
the last show. No, not about politics, calm down Bill Maher. About making
the right decision on keeping the belt on it’s rightful owner. Me. Please
take a look at the stilled photo and tell me what you see.
That’s right, James Enright. It is because of this walking lard ass I am
still your champion. I have to work my ass off suffering through Honey
BooBoo for your guys personal enjoyment. My hard work has put this place
and good spirits and should no longer be disputed. Thank you for not giving
the belt to Dustin Faber, that fucking drunk.
Dustin if you are listening to me in a somewhat sober and coherent state
than hear me out. Your actions last week were pathetic. Andy is trying his
best to cut out the booze and here you are taunting him with Scott Hall
impersonation. For shame! Can Dustin have Jake Roberts or Jeff Hardy’s
theme now? Does he go to church 5 times a week now just to get a hold of
that sweet Jesus juice? So his drunken tirade continued later in the week
by putting gasoline on the fire that was the IRL beef between the Monday
Night Flaw. Good going Barney Gumble. We are so much closer as a community
now.
Speaking of the elephant in the room, James Enright. Calm down Mama BooBoo.
Stop eating that frozen twinkie and listen up. Just hug it out with Andy.
Gotta be topless though. I want to see what two Manatees fighting looked
like. Then again, I get your frustration James. I would be frustrated too
if haven’t seen my dick in 3 years. Wait, hold on, this James isn’t the IC
champ? My bad.
James Ryan. Goddamnit how did you not win last week? I even worked with you
to have the best possible email. Now I have to give you insults called
fagtags? Gee Chris, how did you ever come up with such a clever name all by
yourself? Anyway, let me think for a minute. Hmmm, James I wish for
something bad to happen to you. I was going to say I wish you’d get
hemorrhoids but I figure you gays just call them speedbumps so I won’t
bother. I hope you go blind from a bad homemade batch of beer….sigh you
know what stop. Sorry I can’t. I’ll admit, I’m running low on material.
Yes, your world champion is burned out. Working two shows has exhausted me.
I apologize for this bad attempt of an email. There will be no new memes,
no bush references, no ray ramano jokes, fat jokes, or anything else to
mock this week. I’ve lost my smile. I’ll stop with the funny here and just
move on to the questions.
Question One: I’ve noticed you guys have been going with the motions too on
this show recently. I’m not sure if it’s because of Wait ‘til Benoit (or
whatever showed that can’t be named) has pissed you guys off or because
wrestling hasn’t been that great. In all honesty, despite the snarky
comments, how would you rate the current state of wrestling? (please take
your time)
Question Two: Sike! No more questions! Time for the biggest swerve of the
night! You want to know why I’m going to win 5 weeks in a row? Here’s how!
…
..
.
Here comes Honey BooBoo is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Hey fuckers, it’s your only Honey BooBoo fan here with your SECOND here
Comes Honey BooBoo recap this week. Now Cue MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MUSIC!
...
This week’s bonus booboo is brought to you by the AA. Get better Dustin.
Anyway this week’s second recap for this week is “Fell for it” The synopsis
reads “Chris gets excited briefly as he thinks JB KING sent in another
BooBoo recap, but what Chris doesn’t know is that King aint here to pander
and that he can eat a bag of dicks.” Sounds eventuful!
Sorry about that. But I tell you what, If for some God awful reason I still
retain this week, my male bag submission next week will be a real Honey
BooBoo recap. I will stoop that low to keep the belt.
Love, peace the fuck out and penis grease.
For some reason your Latin King World Champion,
Johnny
Adam Dan
Hodge Kin Lymphoma
Revered Sir Hodge,
We have both been grossly underestimated to this point, and while I take no
real malicious umbrage with you, you stand in the way of my rightful ascent
to King of the Ring status. As such, I will pull no punches in proclaiming
my superiority over a plebian such as yourself. My dominance is made
clearly evident by the fact I single-handedly decimated your family's sole
claim to power. The Hodge Kin Lymphoma proved to be no match for my
intestinal fortitude, so it is logically and abundantly clear that you
stand less a chance at defeating me than James Enright has at controlling
the urge to scarf down his third vat of Chili Con Waffles.
For beginners, I have it on good authority that you are a moose fellator.
And not just any moose fellator... a Hat Trick Moose Fellator. I can
appreciate the first kind of moose you enjoy parking in your pouty Canadian
mouth and sucking on: Moosehead Lager. Perfectly acceptable. Any human male
of remotely reputable status understands the deliciousness of that fine
brew.
The other two moose are where you go overboard though, kind sir. Your taste
for the phallus of the large-antlered, cranially-massive quadrupeds of the
Great White North is borderline criminal. I'm sure you woo them with the
dulcet tones of your sneakily-disguised Canadian accent as you soothe their
anxiety with proclamations of "Come here, fella", and "Good boy" before
turning the tides and bellowing "IT'S TIME FOR ME TO RELEASE ROCKET RICHARD
(*ree-SHARD*) AND GO ALL GORDIE HOWE ON THAT SWEET MOOSE ASS! HODGEY
SHOOTS... HE SCORES!!!"
The Moose Fellatio Hat Trick is completed by your enjoyment of blowing one
John Roberts of Bryson City, North Carolina. I feel I need expound no
further on the utter disgust this mental image brings to the populace of
the human race. It transpired... and no effort on your part can alter its
existence.
I shall now focus of my initiative on that hirsute caterpillar you are
culturing on your upper lip and anterior cheek region. It appears as though
you have been enjoying your fine Canadian delicacy of Molson & Sloppy Joe's
a bit too much. Or perhaps you have been playing scat games with Gargamel
from The Smurfs. The most likely excuse, however, is your interminable joy
of Rimming James Ryan™. That's right, my plebes, the Hollywood Faggot has
the ass-cavity of a Wookie.
In conclusion, neither you nor your family belong in the same contention
with me. Enjoy your parting gifts, and I wish you well in your future
endeavours.
Good Day, Sir.
-Master Gator
P.S. Austin Sanders is still a stupid fart face.
P.P.S. Dustin Faber enjoys sniffing Austin's face.
Michael Hodge
Pee Pee Vee Semifinals
Hey, Chrandy.
That "Kingslayer" nickname's not working out so well for you, is it Chris? And after you tried so hard to live the gimmick by fathering several children on your hot sister. I heard she likes a little Lannister in the canister.
Game of Thrones? More like
Game of Damaged Chromosomes, am I right, Adam Dan?
I was going to make some kind of joke about Adam Dan's astrological sign being Cancer, but it's not. It's Taurus, because it's bullshit that he got to keep living. Also because his Taurus is the only place he's allowed to have Internet access.
Speaking of which, the "porn" Adam Dan's wife caught him watching online? Tim Tebow game tape. He's not allowed to watch Jets games anymore either.
What's the difference between Adam Dan and Santino Marella? Santino's character still seems fresh by comparison.
What's the difference between Adam Dan and Jay Leno? Leno's jokes seem funny by comparison.
What's the difference between Adam Dan and Jim Duggan? People were happy when Duggan beat cancer.
But that's just mean. I don't actually wish Adam Dan had died a slow and excruciating death. Quick and painless would have been fine by me. But as we've all seen from his e-mails, the only
thing Adam Dan knows how to be is slow and excruciating.
He is the Atomic One. His atomic number? 5 (Boron)
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey