Tag Team Turmoil: IHOP vs NAACP
Dec 2, 2012 13:38:21 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Dec 2, 2012 13:38:21 GMT -5
IHOP
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room, where we find Solly and Hodgey listening to the latest episode of IHOP Podcast, available now at flawedcast.net/IHOP and probably on iTunes...
Solly: That's good podcast
Hodgey: It suuure is.
Solly: I just wish we had live hockey to talk about.
Hodgey: Tell me about it, eh?
Solly: Okay, sure. The NHL locked its players out and has cancelled all games through the end of Decem--
Hodgey: Shut up, hoser.
Solly: But you told me to--
Hodgey: Yeah, yeah. If people want to hear old OOWF bits from us, they can find them at OO. I highly recommend "Tanks for nothing."
Solly: Yeah, that was a good one.
Hodgey: So, it looks like the two guys we turned on and attacked last week have joined forces to fight us in what is certainly the most surprising turn of events in wrestling history.
Solly: If we'd just stood around the craft services table long enough instead of attacking them, we probably would have been put into a random tag match anyway. I saw Teddy Long in the area.
Hodgey: Meh. This way's better. It solidifies us as the heels.
Solly: Wait, Austin Sanders is a self-confessed Nazi, I'm a Jew, and we're the heels?
Hodgey: There's no black and white in wrestling anymore. It's all shades of grey, my friend.
Solly: More like shades of bullshit.
Hodgey: It doesn't matter anyway. People like heels better than faces these days. We'll be fine. We just have to be jerks to Cliff Snotes. He's the sympathetic face.
Solly: Fair enough. Cliffsnotes? Is that what your wife calls your dick? Because it's short?
Hodgey: Yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like Cliff Claven.
Hodgey. Um, yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like guy who's teaming with a Nazi.
Hodgey: There we go. Austin Sanders? More like Auschwitz-boners.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: Hitler could grow a mustache.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Solly: What?
Hodgey: Hitler could draw a crowd.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: Some people actually liked Hitler.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Colonel Sanders?
Solly: What?
Hodgey: Colonel Sanders only soldchicken.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Stone Cold Steve Austin?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: The best Austin Sanders has ever been in the Male Bag is lukewarm.
Hodgey:Weren't we supposed to be attacking Cliff Snotes?
Solly: Yeah, but he's too nice a guy. It's too hard.
Hodgey: Too hard? I thought you guys were tag team partners, not life partners.
Solly: Fuck off.
Hodgey: Consider it done. Pass me a beer.
*Fade out*
NAACP
[Cliff]:
Hello Andy and Chris.
As you know, last week I teamed with Fred Solomon. I brought forth the Resurrection of Team Fred. And the first official Team Fred email in months earned a Coveted Slow Clap™.
And how does Fred thank me? He responds by betraying his savior, like a typical Je- excuse me, like a typical NEW Jerseyian.
Look Fred, if you want to unite with your podcast partner, I get it. But you could have broken up with me like a real man: by text message. Instead, you stab me in the back while Hodgey beat down his ex-partner, Austin Sanders. FRED! YOU CLIFF KILLER!
But after the beatdown, as I lay on the backstage floor coughing up blood, I looked across the room at Austin Sanders. Nothing needed to be said between us, which is probably for the best. Austin and I share almost nothing in common, except for a single, solitary goal. Revenge on Michael Hodge and Fred Solomon.
Before we were even able to get back on our feet, our tag team had formed. That moment united the ‘Nazi And A Cliff Partnership’, better known as the NAACP.
Our fury and hatred for Fred and Hodgey could not be greater.
*Quick tag to Austin*
HOW DARE YOU ATTACK ME WHEN I WASN'T EVEN THERE! Hey, hodge, real
talk. There was a reason I didn't email in or collaborated with you last week. It's because, and this is from the bottom of my fucking heart, I have no fucking clue who you are. Hell, you're considered the less of 2 Mikes on this network. The only thing I know about you is the fact you do a hockey podcast. I can only imagine what you 2
snowbacks talk about.
Hodge----"Hey eh, I can't get hard because of this freezing weather eh."
Fred---"No eh. It's not because of the cold buddy. It's because your dick doesn't work cause your 400 years old eh."
Hodge---"I don't want to die Fred."
Fred---"Fuk U Hodgey"
AND scene.
*Quick tag to Cliff*
And now it’s my turn to give this audience what they expect:
A mighty blood feud as we
Take.
These.
BASTARDS.
DOWN.
That’s what you want, right Andy?
Right, ANDY?
Isn’t it, you insufferable pig?
You see Andy, through my hatred and anger, I had a moment of clarity. Something didn’t add up… I started pacing the room and talking to the mirror and writing on a glass wall and other common tasks seen in a montage. And finally, I connected the dots. I see through the façade. You almost had me, and it was a good plan, as I was blinded with rage. But this is bigger than Fred and Hodgey. This is a Conspiracy! And you are the puppetmaster that is pulling the strings!
You see, when the seedings were announced, JB was the one seed, Little Jon was the two, Nazi And A Old Guy was the three, and Team Fred was the four seed. I knew that I would lead Team Fred past Roman Polanski, so naturally I was looking ahead to the semi-final matchup against JB King. You know, the one vs four seeds, like in EVERY OTHER tournament in the history of forever. And I know that Little Jon was looking ahead to matching up with Nazi And A Old Guy, as Jon Drouin mentioned he was already working on his plan to distract Hodgey - a sixteen thousand word email to IHOP.
But in the middle of the show last week, after the three and four seeds won their matches by default, it was announced that they would face each other next week. And why is that?
Yes, it’s possible that Andy Gaston is incompetent and doesn’t know how to run a tournament, but that’s not the answer. Yes, it’s possible that IHOP gave Andy a head’s up about their evil dastardly plans! But that’s not the answer either. The truth is that Andy arranged it so that IHOP could reunite and get free advertising for a hockey podcast desperate for listeners when there’s no hockey. Meanwhile, Andy gets his audience excited for a battle with a team of vengeful, scorned, betrayed ex’s. Additionally, Andy gets his coveted JB King vs Stu matchup (because let’s be honest about Team Little Jon: Jon Drouin is deadweight).
Andy, you son of a bitch! You betrayed your email contributors in your unholy quest for ratings! And you weren’t man enough to do it yourself. You had to send your henchmen to do the dirty work! Did you threaten them with canceling their show? Did you pay them off with Canadian bacon and bagels?
So Hodgey and Fred, this isn’t over between us. But you get a pass this week, as we focus on the real enemy: Andy Gaston.
And did you know, that if you take the letters in “Andy Gaston” and rearrange them, you get “Giant motherfucking piece of shit”? You can also get “A Nasty Dong”?
Also, “Spirit Crusher” yields “Rip Shits Recur”.
Andy, you arrogant miscalculating fool, you failed. JB King didn’t screw the Male Bag. Andy screwed The Male Bag, and Andy screwed Andy. You’ve pissed off the core emailers to your ENTIRE MOTHERLOVING NETWORK. How many shows do you think you will have once Cliff Snotes, and Austin Sanders, and JB King, and Stu Little, and even Jon Drouin and his stupid clones stop emailing your stupid network? Dustin Faber and Tom Roper are already out the door, and James Ryan apparently forgot how to type. You’d better pray that Dustin Hawes becomes prolific, otherwise enjoy a network starring Adam Dan and Justin Drew and Cam Gullett.
I am Cliff Snotes. Shove this tournament up your ass.
*Quick tag to Austin*
It happened. And you faggots let it happen.
XOXOXOXOXO
NAACP
PS. *Long fart*
*Fade in to the palatial IHOP locker room, where we find Solly and Hodgey listening to the latest episode of IHOP Podcast, available now at flawedcast.net/IHOP and probably on iTunes...
Solly: That's good podcast
Hodgey: It suuure is.
Solly: I just wish we had live hockey to talk about.
Hodgey: Tell me about it, eh?
Solly: Okay, sure. The NHL locked its players out and has cancelled all games through the end of Decem--
Hodgey: Shut up, hoser.
Solly: But you told me to--
Hodgey: Yeah, yeah. If people want to hear old OOWF bits from us, they can find them at OO. I highly recommend "Tanks for nothing."
Solly: Yeah, that was a good one.
Hodgey: So, it looks like the two guys we turned on and attacked last week have joined forces to fight us in what is certainly the most surprising turn of events in wrestling history.
Solly: If we'd just stood around the craft services table long enough instead of attacking them, we probably would have been put into a random tag match anyway. I saw Teddy Long in the area.
Hodgey: Meh. This way's better. It solidifies us as the heels.
Solly: Wait, Austin Sanders is a self-confessed Nazi, I'm a Jew, and we're the heels?
Hodgey: There's no black and white in wrestling anymore. It's all shades of grey, my friend.
Solly: More like shades of bullshit.
Hodgey: It doesn't matter anyway. People like heels better than faces these days. We'll be fine. We just have to be jerks to Cliff Snotes. He's the sympathetic face.
Solly: Fair enough. Cliffsnotes? Is that what your wife calls your dick? Because it's short?
Hodgey: Yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like Cliff Claven.
Hodgey. Um, yeah, Cliffsnotes.
Solly: Cliff Snotes? More like guy who's teaming with a Nazi.
Hodgey: There we go. Austin Sanders? More like Auschwitz-boners.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: Hitler could grow a mustache.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Solly: What?
Hodgey: Hitler could draw a crowd.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Hitler?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: Some people actually liked Hitler.
Hodgey: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Colonel Sanders?
Solly: What?
Hodgey: Colonel Sanders only soldchicken.
Solly: What's the difference between Austin Sanders and Stone Cold Steve Austin?
Hodgey: What?
Solly: The best Austin Sanders has ever been in the Male Bag is lukewarm.
Hodgey:Weren't we supposed to be attacking Cliff Snotes?
Solly: Yeah, but he's too nice a guy. It's too hard.
Hodgey: Too hard? I thought you guys were tag team partners, not life partners.
Solly: Fuck off.
Hodgey: Consider it done. Pass me a beer.
*Fade out*
NAACP
[Cliff]:
Hello Andy and Chris.
As you know, last week I teamed with Fred Solomon. I brought forth the Resurrection of Team Fred. And the first official Team Fred email in months earned a Coveted Slow Clap™.
And how does Fred thank me? He responds by betraying his savior, like a typical Je- excuse me, like a typical NEW Jerseyian.
Look Fred, if you want to unite with your podcast partner, I get it. But you could have broken up with me like a real man: by text message. Instead, you stab me in the back while Hodgey beat down his ex-partner, Austin Sanders. FRED! YOU CLIFF KILLER!
But after the beatdown, as I lay on the backstage floor coughing up blood, I looked across the room at Austin Sanders. Nothing needed to be said between us, which is probably for the best. Austin and I share almost nothing in common, except for a single, solitary goal. Revenge on Michael Hodge and Fred Solomon.
Before we were even able to get back on our feet, our tag team had formed. That moment united the ‘Nazi And A Cliff Partnership’, better known as the NAACP.
Our fury and hatred for Fred and Hodgey could not be greater.
*Quick tag to Austin*
HOW DARE YOU ATTACK ME WHEN I WASN'T EVEN THERE! Hey, hodge, real
talk. There was a reason I didn't email in or collaborated with you last week. It's because, and this is from the bottom of my fucking heart, I have no fucking clue who you are. Hell, you're considered the less of 2 Mikes on this network. The only thing I know about you is the fact you do a hockey podcast. I can only imagine what you 2
snowbacks talk about.
Hodge----"Hey eh, I can't get hard because of this freezing weather eh."
Fred---"No eh. It's not because of the cold buddy. It's because your dick doesn't work cause your 400 years old eh."
Hodge---"I don't want to die Fred."
Fred---"Fuk U Hodgey"
AND scene.
*Quick tag to Cliff*
And now it’s my turn to give this audience what they expect:
A mighty blood feud as we
Take.
These.
BASTARDS.
DOWN.
That’s what you want, right Andy?
Right, ANDY?
Isn’t it, you insufferable pig?
You see Andy, through my hatred and anger, I had a moment of clarity. Something didn’t add up… I started pacing the room and talking to the mirror and writing on a glass wall and other common tasks seen in a montage. And finally, I connected the dots. I see through the façade. You almost had me, and it was a good plan, as I was blinded with rage. But this is bigger than Fred and Hodgey. This is a Conspiracy! And you are the puppetmaster that is pulling the strings!
You see, when the seedings were announced, JB was the one seed, Little Jon was the two, Nazi And A Old Guy was the three, and Team Fred was the four seed. I knew that I would lead Team Fred past Roman Polanski, so naturally I was looking ahead to the semi-final matchup against JB King. You know, the one vs four seeds, like in EVERY OTHER tournament in the history of forever. And I know that Little Jon was looking ahead to matching up with Nazi And A Old Guy, as Jon Drouin mentioned he was already working on his plan to distract Hodgey - a sixteen thousand word email to IHOP.
But in the middle of the show last week, after the three and four seeds won their matches by default, it was announced that they would face each other next week. And why is that?
Yes, it’s possible that Andy Gaston is incompetent and doesn’t know how to run a tournament, but that’s not the answer. Yes, it’s possible that IHOP gave Andy a head’s up about their evil dastardly plans! But that’s not the answer either. The truth is that Andy arranged it so that IHOP could reunite and get free advertising for a hockey podcast desperate for listeners when there’s no hockey. Meanwhile, Andy gets his audience excited for a battle with a team of vengeful, scorned, betrayed ex’s. Additionally, Andy gets his coveted JB King vs Stu matchup (because let’s be honest about Team Little Jon: Jon Drouin is deadweight).
Andy, you son of a bitch! You betrayed your email contributors in your unholy quest for ratings! And you weren’t man enough to do it yourself. You had to send your henchmen to do the dirty work! Did you threaten them with canceling their show? Did you pay them off with Canadian bacon and bagels?
So Hodgey and Fred, this isn’t over between us. But you get a pass this week, as we focus on the real enemy: Andy Gaston.
And did you know, that if you take the letters in “Andy Gaston” and rearrange them, you get “Giant motherfucking piece of shit”? You can also get “A Nasty Dong”?
Also, “Spirit Crusher” yields “Rip Shits Recur”.
Andy, you arrogant miscalculating fool, you failed. JB King didn’t screw the Male Bag. Andy screwed The Male Bag, and Andy screwed Andy. You’ve pissed off the core emailers to your ENTIRE MOTHERLOVING NETWORK. How many shows do you think you will have once Cliff Snotes, and Austin Sanders, and JB King, and Stu Little, and even Jon Drouin and his stupid clones stop emailing your stupid network? Dustin Faber and Tom Roper are already out the door, and James Ryan apparently forgot how to type. You’d better pray that Dustin Hawes becomes prolific, otherwise enjoy a network starring Adam Dan and Justin Drew and Cam Gullett.
I am Cliff Snotes. Shove this tournament up your ass.
*Quick tag to Austin*
It happened. And you faggots let it happen.
XOXOXOXOXO
NAACP
PS. *Long fart*
