MNF 55/Male Bag 38
Jan 20, 2013 18:04:11 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Jan 20, 2013 18:04:11 GMT -5
Check out Monday Night Flaw 55 and Male Bag 38 on iTunes, Stitcher or www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw then get your stupid ass back here and VOTE!!!
And don't forget to vote for Stu Little or JB King in the electrified, barbed wire cage match RIGHT HERE!!!
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9246
Jon Huggins
taken its time
Hey folks, it’s the return of the other British fan. Sorry for leaving
it so long, but I’ve been wallowing in the fact that the Saints didn't make the
playoffs. the best QB in the league and no playoffs.
For my second email, I have taken the momentous decision to do something
that Chris and James Ryan have been pussying around doing for a while
(Calm down Cam). The fucking Honey Boo Boo recap.
I have been looking for the series finale, but haven't been able to find
anywhere over here. Instead, I gave up my time, and 250mb of my monthly
download limit, to get the season 2 opener. First things first, how the bollocks
did this get renewed for a second season? Futurama was off the air for 2 years,
but this gets renewed after 4 months? GOOD JOB AMERICA!
it begins. this is the Halloween episode. figures, as i'm already
scared. Alana is on the screen to remind us that its Halloween "Time to
get my scare on" shouldn't take too much effort, just take a photo of your
Yokozuna Mom and show that to the neighbours.
we see the Dad of the piece holding a carved pumpkin up to his head
"i reckon its looks just like me". then we see a shot of a pumpkin
spontaneously exploding. that poor pumpkin, being compared to that yokel was
too much to take.
1ST REVELATION OF THE EPISODE. Mommy June is apparently scared of
Mayonnaise. from the looks of her, the best way to conquer your fears is by
eating them.
Alana is sat on the kitchen floor with her face covered in Mayo. looks
like BVA and some of his chums paid her a visit.
i've just checked the toolbar, this shit is 42 minutes long. This may
have to be a 2 parter.
One of the kids is digging around in the coal shed, and comes out with
what looks like the family condom. Why it is being kept in the coal shed
anyone's guess. My only thought was that the dad had his own version of the
Fritzel bunker set up, which from the size of all the kids will be renamed the
Schnitzel bunker.
this gets waived in the sleeping moms face "eurgh what the hell is
that" moms reaction confirms that she has never one of these before, but
the daughters don't seem too phazed. draw from that what you will...
Joanna, 16, Anna, 18 and Alana, 7 (good of the shows editors to let us
know how many stones each character weighs) are talking to the camera about
their favourite part of Halloween. Is it the costumes? the trick or treating?
the apple bobbing? the pumpkins? no it’s the candy. not a revelation, more a
"no shit Sherlock"
we see Mommy June trying to haul herself out of bed. I want to call her
a beached whale, but most beached whales have the decency to die.
the father gets some more air time. he explains that he was in a quad
bike crash. he tried to bail out of the way but his leg got run over, and he
needed surgery. my immediate thoughts were that this 'accident' was in fact a
failed suicide attempt. fucking idiot, there's a train track running right
through the yard.
we see what looks like a nice family scene with mommy June holding the
new baby in the house with two of the daughters looking on.
"What's GiGi's baby gonna be for Halloween?" thats right, the baby doesn't yet have a name, it is constantly referred to as 'GiGi's baby', much in the same way that i refer to my cock as Jon's cock.
"I think she should be a cheese ball" in a second the
atmosphere changes. mommy June is staring at the baby, salivating at the
thought of a 12lb cheese ball. and the baby is thinking "death cannot
come soon enough"
the family goes on an outing to a field to pick this year’s pumpkin.
there is a train car ride to the field. the kids start running about looking at
the pumpkins. Honey boo boo goes to talk to the dad about pumpkins, but then
the mood changes to a something a lot seedier. a picture says a thousand words,
but the words that go along with this picture confirms the goings on in the
Schnitzel bunker
Honey BooBoo "Is it big?
Dad "Not so big"
while Alana and Dad have a "moment" the other kids have found
a pumpkin that keeps being described as "wop-sided" and they think
bears a resemblance to Mommy June because it has a flat backside and a large
rounded front. Mommy Junes response is "I'm not wop-sided, I’m just
Curviness. And Beautimous" neither of which are real words. she
follows this up with a pout and a licking of the teeth. not sure whether this
is mom trying to be seductive, or trying to get some of last nights dinner out
of her teeth because she hasn't had a meal in 5 minutes.
next to the pumpkin field there is a dodgeball court made up of straw
bails. the kids all run to get the balls and start pelting mommy June with
them, a few hitting her in the face. mommy gets annoyed and scolds the kids
"You hit me in my face again, its gonna be ugly out here" the irony
of that is lost on everyone.
back at the house, mommy June is wanting to bleach her hair
"i want a new dramatic me" i don't know if the phrase you
can't polish a turd means anything in America.
"I wanna be Beautimous" there's that fucking word again.
one of the daughters voices her concerns "i don't know about momma
being blond, it’s gonna be a scary sight" mommy June already IS a scary
sight, so no need to worry.
Mommy June gets paraded in front of the Dad by Honey Boo Boo,
Dads responses are pure gold
"she looks like a blond bombshell" she really doesn't. more
like the aftermath of the manhattan project
"you'd better tie me to the bed cos i'm coming up" does that
mean she's going to be on top? jesus christ, that explains his limp a
lot more...
"I'm in attack mode tonight" now he's going to rape her. mommy
June did have a can over Pepper Spray once, but she woke up looking for a
midnight snack and thought the can said "Pepper Steak"
Next comes a segment in which all the kids are on the porch carving
pumpkins. HoneyBooBoo discovers that the insides of pumpkins are all gooey and
so a pumpkin fight breaks out.
"its in my hair" says one daughter
"its in my eyes" says Mommy June
"you stuck it in my butt. my butt crack is all squishy now"
says another daughter, leaving the house to find the mess on the porch.
Uncle Poodle turns up, and a minute later Honey BooBoo is letting us
know that "Uncle Poodle tried to put his seeds in my mouth, but he
didn't" so he's THAT kind of uncle.
all the while, "GiGi's baby" is left in a rocking chair
getting covered in seeds, wishing for one of the seeds to get caught in its windpipe.
Next the family decides to address Mommy June’s fear of Mayonnaise. For
someone with a fear of Mayonnaise she sure keeps a lot of it the
house, there are literally, LITERALLY 5 jars kept under the kitchen sink. Then
a close up reveals that it’s Light Mayo. There’s the fear factor.
Mommy June reveals that the fear of Mayo comes from when her babysitter
used to feed her Mayo sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper and
snacks. If you have four meal times in any one day, you don’t need snacks you
fucking behemoth.
One of the kids uses her dynamite intellect to try and help.
2ND REVELATION OF THE EPISODE
“I think its stupid you’re scared of mayonnaise momma, its mayonnaise
and its white and its mayonnaise.” No arguing with that reasoning, it is indeed
mayonnaise, and it is indeed white.
That’s the end of part 1 people, I fear that if I go on I’m going to
lose some level of control over my faculties.
Tune in next week (possibly the week after, I might need some extended
recovery time) for this episodes thrilling conclusion. Will HoneyBooBoo be forced
to swallow Uncle Poodle seeds? Will the Dad survive that nights mauling by
Mommy June? Will GiGi’s baby feel the sweet release of death? Does Dad even
lift? Find out some time soon.
Cliff Snotes
15% More Document!
Sorry about the short email last week. I was tied up at the Hunting Convention.
WELCOME! TO FLAW IS CLIFF SNOTES!
Andy, Andy, Andy. Look, you screwed up with the mic. I get it. But I am so disappointed in you. You should have opened MNF with “We are experiencing Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By”, and just looped it for 90 minutes.
Speaking of recording errors, hey guys, just a friendly bit of advice if you are DVRing Raw: set it to record an extra 15 minutes. Fucking over-run.
So Andy, I’ll make you a deal. If you switch back my entrance music back to the Jericho theme, I’ll stop sending in these lovely documents.
Hey Bartow – you’re not a call up from NXT – you’re more like an Indy star and the IWC has been waiting for you to arrive. We’re excited that you’ve joined us. Unfortunately, MNF will be changing your name for trademark purposes, so your new name is “Bradley Hammer”.
A few weeks ago, I predicted that there would be 18 deaths on MNF this year. After this dead fake girlfriend conspiracy, I need to revise that number upwards, since there will be about six deaths mentioned today.
Oh yeah, thanks for ruining my email, Manti Teo. I had a hilarious joke about a rambling Jodie Foster referencing her dear friend Mel Gibson, that I spun into an Austin Sanders jew-hating commentary, but that’s old news now. I had another one about Lance Armstrong and JB King cheating, but that’s so dated, too. And now all I can do is piece together a hack joke about the imaginary-and-therefore-not dead Cinnamon Gullett. Somebody just needs to create @cinnamongullett on twitter.
I am out of ideas here.
I am Cliff Snotes.
Stu Little
A Clash of Kings
Hey guys!
It's certainly disconcerting to hear how this week's MNF was marred by technical fault. OR WAS IT??
Or maybe it was none of those. Maybe it was a conspiracy from within. Maybe it was a concentrated effort by a group of lower run e-mailers/contributors, finally deciding to strike a blow against those who've belittled and ignored them all this time...
Everyone, watch your backs until we get to the bottom of this.
Congratulations to Bartow Hodge with his impressive debut win for the Intercontinental Championship. Bartow, I'm always happy to see new people and think you can go far. However, there is a bit of an issue that I feel needs to be addressed. It's your name, man. Y'see, we already have a Hodge, and having another Hodge would just be too chaotic and confusing. It would be...a Hodge Podge, if you will. That's why in the tradition of Garrison Cade and Gregory Helms, I'd like to simplify matters by relabelling you...Crispin Loftberg. I don't know if you're jewish, and quite frankly, I don't care if you are. I think it pops! Consider it.
And now onto our main event! Jeez. I haven't completely healed from my gruelling ELECTRIFIED!! BARBED WIRE!! HELL IN A CELL!! match with James Ryan, and once more I'm thrown into a dangerous environment against a dangerous opponent, JB King. Wait, really? People voted for his lazy ass again? Dammit, Creepy! If you'd just backed me, I'd be 16 time champ now without having to go through this again. At this rate, I'll be in no shape for the Royal Rumble.
As for the rest of you...I'm surprised. Last time you voted him champion, what happened? The following week he blew off the responsibility that came with that and phoned in his effort. You gave this guy a shot at redemption, and he blew it! He'll do it again! He's not been here EVERY SINGLE WEEK like I have. Mr. No Days Off! That's how you get Andy calling you "The King of Kings"! At the rate he's going, CHRIS will have appeared more consistently than he has! Did you know I was considering taking a break from all this after the tag team tournament, but I was talked out of it? And for what? For this dyslexic hack to keep getting elevated about his talent.
*sigh*
Oh well, let's get this over with. I guess I should take it seriously. After all, we all know how clever you are, JB.
Not to mention how composed and eloquent you can be
And of course there's your popularity leading to that hit video game
"Intermediate"? I thought remedial was more your mode.
So sure, come at me bro. No wait, that sounds too homoerotic. Better go with the Scottish variant-
Come Intae Me, bro! I'm not scared! I'll even do your jokes for you-
Or if you want to go for a weight joke-
I don't care! I will fuck you up! I'm not just Scotland's Sexiest Man Alive. I AM Scotland. I am also Scott Land! I will bury more than just your head in the sand! It's Cabering Time!!!
Stu
Austin Sanders
In the words of Stevie Wonder: "Roses are black. Violets are black. Everything's black. I can't see."
Can't talk much this week mates. Had to set up a party somewhere very
special.
XOXOXOXO
Party-Animal Austin
PS.
Bartow Hodge
Defending My Belt! And Pooping In Things!
Hey guys,
Sick, so I got that useless belt, now I have to defend it by insulting
myself, right? That's how it works? Alright, here we go:
"Hey Bartow, why don't you go get mugged some more, you muggable son of a
bitch!"
That's about all I got since I am a pretty fantastic person. Regardless, I
figured I'd get down to more wrestling talk since I have
been separated from the sport of entertainment for some time before you
guys rekindled my interest in it. One question I had was - is current
wrestling as dirty and awful as it was when I watched back when I was a
kid? Andy, I dunno if you have the GiggleBot or James Ryback as your host
tonight, but if James is there I thank him for that excellent list he
facebooked recently that is pretty much the myriad awful things
wrestlers/promoters have done, all the way from Brian Lawler getting tied
up and threatened with gang rape to a surprising amount of incidents
involving pooping in things. Though this was fun to read, it wasn't
particularly shocking as we all know those roided up racist assholes did a
lot of fucked up shit back in the day. I just hope CM Punk isn't shitting
in peoples shoes and Dolph Ziggler isn't participating in coke-fueled man
orgies. Or maybe I do wish that was happening.
Anyways! Hope that fiery steel cage match of sandpapery death goes well!
Toodaloo!
Sincerely,
BARTOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW DEL HODGE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dustin Faber
Jon Druin
Hello MNF! Normally I open up with a wrestling question. But out of respect
for the lack of knowledge on this show, I'll save my questions.
Andy Gaston. Seriously man. I email Flawedcast, the greatest podcast in the
history of podcasting, with a simple question. Construct a dream fast food
meal with items from fast food restaurants. At no point in my email did I
say to pick a form of alcohol. Beer with your Double-Double and spicy
chicken nuggets? What are you, 20? Why are you so hellbent on jacking up my
perfectly wonderful email with your addiction to poison?
As for you Alt, your existence on this show is more questionable than
Te'o's girlfriend. Are you even real? Or are you just a bad impression from
James Ryan?
I could call out Scott Taylor to give up his Canadian heritage this week
and join my Straight Edge Congress (I changed the name, as it was the one
good idea that came out of this show). I'd love to have Scott Taylor join
my group. But there's one man who could never, EVER be a part of the
Straight Edge Congress. He's not good enough. He's not smart enough. And
doggone it, nobody gives a crap about him. His name is Jon Druin.
Or is it Cliff's Notes? You can come up with as many alter egos as you
want, Mr. Druin, but it still doesn't disguise the fact that you are an
unwanted part of society. At one point, I did desire your friendship and
company. Do you remember that conversation a few weeks ago? I came to you
and asked if you'd do a podcast with me. Neither of us have regular shows,
and I thought you and I could conquer the world. Me with my ability to
improv, you with your ability to generate a lot of content (yes, I love
your emails to iHop). How foolish of me. How ridiculous of me. You turned
me down.
"I'm doing a show with another friend." Really? I'm not sure what is more
surprising, that a guy from Michigan knows how to operate a microphone, or
that you have friends. So you don't want to do a podcast with me? That's
fine. I'll move on. But not before making you regret the very day you
decided to email a podcast.
There's no room for you in the Straight Edge Congress because we don't want
you around. Just give up Jon without an h. Go away. Come back another day.
Or something like that.
I am straight edge dear listener. And I am better than you.
Dustin Faber
Dustin Hawes
I'm back kinda
Hey Bitch logs,
I have been on hiatus, and since i am one hundred percent sure that the
male bag listeners and emailers give a bundle of fucks about me, i figured
i would let you in on some things. I have recently been preoccupied with a
couple of deaths in my family and breaking off what was to be my wedding. I
haven't really been in the best of spirits to write bad to mediocre comedy
in email form for the past few weeks. Things are looking up though. It is
what it is and my sights are on the future..... As well as the past. The
last time you heard from me i stole JB King's Delorean and i intend to use
it in the dumbest way possible...... Reviewing wrestling. Anyways, carry on
calling each other faggots and reading issues of Scotland people.
Kroger/hardly number one
Jon Drouin
What's the big deal with having an online girlfriend?
Dear Andy and Chris and Creepy:
Before everyone else starts throwing stones at Manti Te'o, I want you all to know that I hacked the twitter and facebook and email accounts of a bunch of flawedcast personalities. It turns out that everyone has their own online-only girlfriend. Now it's not for me to say which ones are real and which ones aren't, but I've attached the pictures I found:
Spence Hopkins online girlfriend:
Cletus Van Dam's Online Girlfriend:
BVA's girl:
James Ryan's girl:
Dustin Hawes' girl:
Austin Sanders girl:
JB King's girl:
Cliff Snotes girl:
Cam Gullet's girls:
Andy Gaston:
Hodgey's online girlfriend:
Dustin Faber's girl:
Adam Dan's girlfriend:
Scott Taylor's girlfriend:
Stu Little's girl:
And finally, James Enright's online girlfriend:
Have a good week guys,
Jon Drouin
PS You can't see me, bro
JB King
The Gang Mocks Te'o
Hello again to Bane and the ghost of flawedcast past,
Ha! I knew I would win again! Suck my nu- wait. I tied? Goddammit. Even
with all the awesome MEME threads I've made on facebook this week? Double U
Tee Eff. (sad face) It seems us professional liars and cheats can’t catch a
break week. Lance Armstrong’s left ball died on the cross for your sins and
defeated the French in the war of 1999-2005. What more do you want from
him? And now we get even more bad news from Cam’s favorite college football
team…
James Enright is such a troll…
Nothing much came out of wrestling this week. Except Eve quit, that’s too
bad. But it’s nice to see ‘Monster clit’ Kaitlyn win the belt. All that
duck facing and DPing for kamikaze shots have really paid off. Anyway,
here’s some foreshadowing with DP and Gilbert Gottfried…
<http://pbs.twimg.com/media/BAua35QCMAAo4q-.jpg>
I'll miss Eve, from that shiny smooth hair, the carmel like skin and those
beautiful, pouty lips...and that's just her snatch. The rest of her was ok.
Oh well, bring on the sex tape.
To Austin Sanders, how you doing buddy? Still hate chocolate? I see you are
pretty determined about this show. But for now I am currently forming a
band named the Stigmata Stick Shifts. When I'm done touring we can tard it
up on the mic. Until then go back to banging your bologna and spooging into
your alphabet soup. For those wondering, it's called an "Argentinean White
out".
Barto! You're a Hodge, which is painful enough. But I hope you and the rest
of your inbred (calm down Demko), slanted forehead family can call this
place home. Also, I think Drouin wanted me to make a joke about your name,
but he didn't pay me and I'm lazy, so fuck that guy.
Dustin Faber, you did an amazing job on Godcast. Andy, you being the
curious agnostic did a good job too, maybe, i don't know, sort of, who
knows. And sorry about Justin Drew, but you have to remember, adding him to
anything causes a show or skit to drag the fuck on for what seemingly feels
like hours. But no worries, he'll die alone anyway.
By the way don’t be down on yourself Andy, shit happens. Luckily Jimmy Jam
was there to provide awesome commentary in an even more annoying Bane voice
throughout the podcast. Andy, I’m sorry for last week for spoiling the
title match on smackdown. I figured you would have found out through
facebook, twitter, tumblr, text message, any wrestling board, espn, cnn,
msnbc, foxnews or SOMETHING like the rest of the world did. (bows) I Bling
great dishon-ah to my famary and I sorreh. (stabs stomach)
And James, sorry my phone died out during the last hour of Raw. And thanks
for pointing out my doppelganger in the audience you slanted pussy whipped
dog eater. Your face reminds me a ginger’s hairy undercarriage, RIP
Cinnamon. I know you are in desperate need of my material when you come on
this show but I’m glad you hung in there and did a good job anyway.
Stewie! So it looks like it is you and me… again…for the first time…I
think. The Scottish mouse vs The Iranian Terror! The Celibate Samurai vs
The Retarded Enigma! The man paving his legacy of dominance vs the man on a
road to redemption! The guy that looks like the result of Chris Alt and
Seth MacFarlane hate fucking each other until one of them bled vs The Jihad
Jimmy Kimmel. Gods among CHUDs!
An electrified Cage, eels for ring ropes, sand paper turnbuckles and shag
rugs for the ring floor as we cover ourselves in wool fabrics for the
inevitable static ELECTRITEHHHHHH!!!! (thunder sound)
ERMERGERD! EPIC STALLING!
Who am I kidding, just click the damn link...
You're not even good enough for the cover anymore you haggis sucking has
been. Eat a dick (unless you're into that, i dont know). Anyway, Vote
Quimby.
Johnny
And don't forget to vote for Stu Little or JB King in the electrified, barbed wire cage match RIGHT HERE!!!
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9246
Jon Huggins
taken its time
Hey folks, it’s the return of the other British fan. Sorry for leaving
it so long, but I’ve been wallowing in the fact that the Saints didn't make the
playoffs. the best QB in the league and no playoffs.
For my second email, I have taken the momentous decision to do something
that Chris and James Ryan have been pussying around doing for a while
(Calm down Cam). The fucking Honey Boo Boo recap.
I have been looking for the series finale, but haven't been able to find
anywhere over here. Instead, I gave up my time, and 250mb of my monthly
download limit, to get the season 2 opener. First things first, how the bollocks
did this get renewed for a second season? Futurama was off the air for 2 years,
but this gets renewed after 4 months? GOOD JOB AMERICA!
it begins. this is the Halloween episode. figures, as i'm already
scared. Alana is on the screen to remind us that its Halloween "Time to
get my scare on" shouldn't take too much effort, just take a photo of your
Yokozuna Mom and show that to the neighbours.
we see the Dad of the piece holding a carved pumpkin up to his head
"i reckon its looks just like me". then we see a shot of a pumpkin
spontaneously exploding. that poor pumpkin, being compared to that yokel was
too much to take.
1ST REVELATION OF THE EPISODE. Mommy June is apparently scared of
Mayonnaise. from the looks of her, the best way to conquer your fears is by
eating them.
Alana is sat on the kitchen floor with her face covered in Mayo. looks
like BVA and some of his chums paid her a visit.
i've just checked the toolbar, this shit is 42 minutes long. This may
have to be a 2 parter.
One of the kids is digging around in the coal shed, and comes out with
what looks like the family condom. Why it is being kept in the coal shed
anyone's guess. My only thought was that the dad had his own version of the
Fritzel bunker set up, which from the size of all the kids will be renamed the
Schnitzel bunker.
this gets waived in the sleeping moms face "eurgh what the hell is
that" moms reaction confirms that she has never one of these before, but
the daughters don't seem too phazed. draw from that what you will...
Joanna, 16, Anna, 18 and Alana, 7 (good of the shows editors to let us
know how many stones each character weighs) are talking to the camera about
their favourite part of Halloween. Is it the costumes? the trick or treating?
the apple bobbing? the pumpkins? no it’s the candy. not a revelation, more a
"no shit Sherlock"
we see Mommy June trying to haul herself out of bed. I want to call her
a beached whale, but most beached whales have the decency to die.
the father gets some more air time. he explains that he was in a quad
bike crash. he tried to bail out of the way but his leg got run over, and he
needed surgery. my immediate thoughts were that this 'accident' was in fact a
failed suicide attempt. fucking idiot, there's a train track running right
through the yard.
we see what looks like a nice family scene with mommy June holding the
new baby in the house with two of the daughters looking on.
"What's GiGi's baby gonna be for Halloween?" thats right, the baby doesn't yet have a name, it is constantly referred to as 'GiGi's baby', much in the same way that i refer to my cock as Jon's cock.
"I think she should be a cheese ball" in a second the
atmosphere changes. mommy June is staring at the baby, salivating at the
thought of a 12lb cheese ball. and the baby is thinking "death cannot
come soon enough"
the family goes on an outing to a field to pick this year’s pumpkin.
there is a train car ride to the field. the kids start running about looking at
the pumpkins. Honey boo boo goes to talk to the dad about pumpkins, but then
the mood changes to a something a lot seedier. a picture says a thousand words,
but the words that go along with this picture confirms the goings on in the
Schnitzel bunker
Honey BooBoo "Is it big?
Dad "Not so big"
while Alana and Dad have a "moment" the other kids have found
a pumpkin that keeps being described as "wop-sided" and they think
bears a resemblance to Mommy June because it has a flat backside and a large
rounded front. Mommy Junes response is "I'm not wop-sided, I’m just
Curviness. And Beautimous" neither of which are real words. she
follows this up with a pout and a licking of the teeth. not sure whether this
is mom trying to be seductive, or trying to get some of last nights dinner out
of her teeth because she hasn't had a meal in 5 minutes.
next to the pumpkin field there is a dodgeball court made up of straw
bails. the kids all run to get the balls and start pelting mommy June with
them, a few hitting her in the face. mommy gets annoyed and scolds the kids
"You hit me in my face again, its gonna be ugly out here" the irony
of that is lost on everyone.
back at the house, mommy June is wanting to bleach her hair
"i want a new dramatic me" i don't know if the phrase you
can't polish a turd means anything in America.
"I wanna be Beautimous" there's that fucking word again.
one of the daughters voices her concerns "i don't know about momma
being blond, it’s gonna be a scary sight" mommy June already IS a scary
sight, so no need to worry.
Mommy June gets paraded in front of the Dad by Honey Boo Boo,
Dads responses are pure gold
"she looks like a blond bombshell" she really doesn't. more
like the aftermath of the manhattan project
"you'd better tie me to the bed cos i'm coming up" does that
mean she's going to be on top? jesus christ, that explains his limp a
lot more...
"I'm in attack mode tonight" now he's going to rape her. mommy
June did have a can over Pepper Spray once, but she woke up looking for a
midnight snack and thought the can said "Pepper Steak"
Next comes a segment in which all the kids are on the porch carving
pumpkins. HoneyBooBoo discovers that the insides of pumpkins are all gooey and
so a pumpkin fight breaks out.
"its in my hair" says one daughter
"its in my eyes" says Mommy June
"you stuck it in my butt. my butt crack is all squishy now"
says another daughter, leaving the house to find the mess on the porch.
Uncle Poodle turns up, and a minute later Honey BooBoo is letting us
know that "Uncle Poodle tried to put his seeds in my mouth, but he
didn't" so he's THAT kind of uncle.
all the while, "GiGi's baby" is left in a rocking chair
getting covered in seeds, wishing for one of the seeds to get caught in its windpipe.
Next the family decides to address Mommy June’s fear of Mayonnaise. For
someone with a fear of Mayonnaise she sure keeps a lot of it the
house, there are literally, LITERALLY 5 jars kept under the kitchen sink. Then
a close up reveals that it’s Light Mayo. There’s the fear factor.
Mommy June reveals that the fear of Mayo comes from when her babysitter
used to feed her Mayo sandwiches for breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper and
snacks. If you have four meal times in any one day, you don’t need snacks you
fucking behemoth.
One of the kids uses her dynamite intellect to try and help.
2ND REVELATION OF THE EPISODE
“I think its stupid you’re scared of mayonnaise momma, its mayonnaise
and its white and its mayonnaise.” No arguing with that reasoning, it is indeed
mayonnaise, and it is indeed white.
That’s the end of part 1 people, I fear that if I go on I’m going to
lose some level of control over my faculties.
Tune in next week (possibly the week after, I might need some extended
recovery time) for this episodes thrilling conclusion. Will HoneyBooBoo be forced
to swallow Uncle Poodle seeds? Will the Dad survive that nights mauling by
Mommy June? Will GiGi’s baby feel the sweet release of death? Does Dad even
lift? Find out some time soon.
Cliff Snotes
15% More Document!
Sorry about the short email last week. I was tied up at the Hunting Convention.
WELCOME! TO FLAW IS CLIFF SNOTES!
Andy, Andy, Andy. Look, you screwed up with the mic. I get it. But I am so disappointed in you. You should have opened MNF with “We are experiencing Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By”, and just looped it for 90 minutes.
Speaking of recording errors, hey guys, just a friendly bit of advice if you are DVRing Raw: set it to record an extra 15 minutes. Fucking over-run.
So Andy, I’ll make you a deal. If you switch back my entrance music back to the Jericho theme, I’ll stop sending in these lovely documents.
Hey Bartow – you’re not a call up from NXT – you’re more like an Indy star and the IWC has been waiting for you to arrive. We’re excited that you’ve joined us. Unfortunately, MNF will be changing your name for trademark purposes, so your new name is “Bradley Hammer”.
A few weeks ago, I predicted that there would be 18 deaths on MNF this year. After this dead fake girlfriend conspiracy, I need to revise that number upwards, since there will be about six deaths mentioned today.
Oh yeah, thanks for ruining my email, Manti Teo. I had a hilarious joke about a rambling Jodie Foster referencing her dear friend Mel Gibson, that I spun into an Austin Sanders jew-hating commentary, but that’s old news now. I had another one about Lance Armstrong and JB King cheating, but that’s so dated, too. And now all I can do is piece together a hack joke about the imaginary-and-therefore-not dead Cinnamon Gullett. Somebody just needs to create @cinnamongullett on twitter.
I am out of ideas here.
I am Cliff Snotes.
Stu Little
A Clash of Kings
Hey guys!
It's certainly disconcerting to hear how this week's MNF was marred by technical fault. OR WAS IT??
Or maybe it was none of those. Maybe it was a conspiracy from within. Maybe it was a concentrated effort by a group of lower run e-mailers/contributors, finally deciding to strike a blow against those who've belittled and ignored them all this time...
Everyone, watch your backs until we get to the bottom of this.
Congratulations to Bartow Hodge with his impressive debut win for the Intercontinental Championship. Bartow, I'm always happy to see new people and think you can go far. However, there is a bit of an issue that I feel needs to be addressed. It's your name, man. Y'see, we already have a Hodge, and having another Hodge would just be too chaotic and confusing. It would be...a Hodge Podge, if you will. That's why in the tradition of Garrison Cade and Gregory Helms, I'd like to simplify matters by relabelling you...Crispin Loftberg. I don't know if you're jewish, and quite frankly, I don't care if you are. I think it pops! Consider it.
And now onto our main event! Jeez. I haven't completely healed from my gruelling ELECTRIFIED!! BARBED WIRE!! HELL IN A CELL!! match with James Ryan, and once more I'm thrown into a dangerous environment against a dangerous opponent, JB King. Wait, really? People voted for his lazy ass again? Dammit, Creepy! If you'd just backed me, I'd be 16 time champ now without having to go through this again. At this rate, I'll be in no shape for the Royal Rumble.
As for the rest of you...I'm surprised. Last time you voted him champion, what happened? The following week he blew off the responsibility that came with that and phoned in his effort. You gave this guy a shot at redemption, and he blew it! He'll do it again! He's not been here EVERY SINGLE WEEK like I have. Mr. No Days Off! That's how you get Andy calling you "The King of Kings"! At the rate he's going, CHRIS will have appeared more consistently than he has! Did you know I was considering taking a break from all this after the tag team tournament, but I was talked out of it? And for what? For this dyslexic hack to keep getting elevated about his talent.
*sigh*
Oh well, let's get this over with. I guess I should take it seriously. After all, we all know how clever you are, JB.
Not to mention how composed and eloquent you can be
And of course there's your popularity leading to that hit video game
"Intermediate"? I thought remedial was more your mode.
So sure, come at me bro. No wait, that sounds too homoerotic. Better go with the Scottish variant-
Come Intae Me, bro! I'm not scared! I'll even do your jokes for you-
Or if you want to go for a weight joke-
I don't care! I will fuck you up! I'm not just Scotland's Sexiest Man Alive. I AM Scotland. I am also Scott Land! I will bury more than just your head in the sand! It's Cabering Time!!!
Stu
Austin Sanders
In the words of Stevie Wonder: "Roses are black. Violets are black. Everything's black. I can't see."
Can't talk much this week mates. Had to set up a party somewhere very
special.
XOXOXOXO
Party-Animal Austin
PS.
Bartow Hodge
Defending My Belt! And Pooping In Things!
Hey guys,
Sick, so I got that useless belt, now I have to defend it by insulting
myself, right? That's how it works? Alright, here we go:
"Hey Bartow, why don't you go get mugged some more, you muggable son of a
bitch!"
That's about all I got since I am a pretty fantastic person. Regardless, I
figured I'd get down to more wrestling talk since I have
been separated from the sport of entertainment for some time before you
guys rekindled my interest in it. One question I had was - is current
wrestling as dirty and awful as it was when I watched back when I was a
kid? Andy, I dunno if you have the GiggleBot or James Ryback as your host
tonight, but if James is there I thank him for that excellent list he
facebooked recently that is pretty much the myriad awful things
wrestlers/promoters have done, all the way from Brian Lawler getting tied
up and threatened with gang rape to a surprising amount of incidents
involving pooping in things. Though this was fun to read, it wasn't
particularly shocking as we all know those roided up racist assholes did a
lot of fucked up shit back in the day. I just hope CM Punk isn't shitting
in peoples shoes and Dolph Ziggler isn't participating in coke-fueled man
orgies. Or maybe I do wish that was happening.
Anyways! Hope that fiery steel cage match of sandpapery death goes well!
Toodaloo!
Sincerely,
BARTOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW DEL HODGE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dustin Faber
Jon Druin
Hello MNF! Normally I open up with a wrestling question. But out of respect
for the lack of knowledge on this show, I'll save my questions.
Andy Gaston. Seriously man. I email Flawedcast, the greatest podcast in the
history of podcasting, with a simple question. Construct a dream fast food
meal with items from fast food restaurants. At no point in my email did I
say to pick a form of alcohol. Beer with your Double-Double and spicy
chicken nuggets? What are you, 20? Why are you so hellbent on jacking up my
perfectly wonderful email with your addiction to poison?
As for you Alt, your existence on this show is more questionable than
Te'o's girlfriend. Are you even real? Or are you just a bad impression from
James Ryan?
I could call out Scott Taylor to give up his Canadian heritage this week
and join my Straight Edge Congress (I changed the name, as it was the one
good idea that came out of this show). I'd love to have Scott Taylor join
my group. But there's one man who could never, EVER be a part of the
Straight Edge Congress. He's not good enough. He's not smart enough. And
doggone it, nobody gives a crap about him. His name is Jon Druin.
Or is it Cliff's Notes? You can come up with as many alter egos as you
want, Mr. Druin, but it still doesn't disguise the fact that you are an
unwanted part of society. At one point, I did desire your friendship and
company. Do you remember that conversation a few weeks ago? I came to you
and asked if you'd do a podcast with me. Neither of us have regular shows,
and I thought you and I could conquer the world. Me with my ability to
improv, you with your ability to generate a lot of content (yes, I love
your emails to iHop). How foolish of me. How ridiculous of me. You turned
me down.
"I'm doing a show with another friend." Really? I'm not sure what is more
surprising, that a guy from Michigan knows how to operate a microphone, or
that you have friends. So you don't want to do a podcast with me? That's
fine. I'll move on. But not before making you regret the very day you
decided to email a podcast.
There's no room for you in the Straight Edge Congress because we don't want
you around. Just give up Jon without an h. Go away. Come back another day.
Or something like that.
I am straight edge dear listener. And I am better than you.
Dustin Faber
Dustin Hawes
I'm back kinda
Hey Bitch logs,
I have been on hiatus, and since i am one hundred percent sure that the
male bag listeners and emailers give a bundle of fucks about me, i figured
i would let you in on some things. I have recently been preoccupied with a
couple of deaths in my family and breaking off what was to be my wedding. I
haven't really been in the best of spirits to write bad to mediocre comedy
in email form for the past few weeks. Things are looking up though. It is
what it is and my sights are on the future..... As well as the past. The
last time you heard from me i stole JB King's Delorean and i intend to use
it in the dumbest way possible...... Reviewing wrestling. Anyways, carry on
calling each other faggots and reading issues of Scotland people.
Kroger/hardly number one
Jon Drouin
What's the big deal with having an online girlfriend?
Dear Andy and Chris and Creepy:
Before everyone else starts throwing stones at Manti Te'o, I want you all to know that I hacked the twitter and facebook and email accounts of a bunch of flawedcast personalities. It turns out that everyone has their own online-only girlfriend. Now it's not for me to say which ones are real and which ones aren't, but I've attached the pictures I found:
Spence Hopkins online girlfriend:
Cletus Van Dam's Online Girlfriend:
BVA's girl:
James Ryan's girl:
Dustin Hawes' girl:
Austin Sanders girl:
JB King's girl:
Cliff Snotes girl:
Cam Gullet's girls:
Andy Gaston:
Hodgey's online girlfriend:
Dustin Faber's girl:
Adam Dan's girlfriend:
Scott Taylor's girlfriend:
Stu Little's girl:
And finally, James Enright's online girlfriend:
Have a good week guys,
Jon Drouin
PS You can't see me, bro
JB King
The Gang Mocks Te'o
Hello again to Bane and the ghost of flawedcast past,
Ha! I knew I would win again! Suck my nu- wait. I tied? Goddammit. Even
with all the awesome MEME threads I've made on facebook this week? Double U
Tee Eff. (sad face) It seems us professional liars and cheats can’t catch a
break week. Lance Armstrong’s left ball died on the cross for your sins and
defeated the French in the war of 1999-2005. What more do you want from
him? And now we get even more bad news from Cam’s favorite college football
team…
James Enright is such a troll…
Nothing much came out of wrestling this week. Except Eve quit, that’s too
bad. But it’s nice to see ‘Monster clit’ Kaitlyn win the belt. All that
duck facing and DPing for kamikaze shots have really paid off. Anyway,
here’s some foreshadowing with DP and Gilbert Gottfried…
<http://pbs.twimg.com/media/BAua35QCMAAo4q-.jpg>
I'll miss Eve, from that shiny smooth hair, the carmel like skin and those
beautiful, pouty lips...and that's just her snatch. The rest of her was ok.
Oh well, bring on the sex tape.
To Austin Sanders, how you doing buddy? Still hate chocolate? I see you are
pretty determined about this show. But for now I am currently forming a
band named the Stigmata Stick Shifts. When I'm done touring we can tard it
up on the mic. Until then go back to banging your bologna and spooging into
your alphabet soup. For those wondering, it's called an "Argentinean White
out".
Barto! You're a Hodge, which is painful enough. But I hope you and the rest
of your inbred (calm down Demko), slanted forehead family can call this
place home. Also, I think Drouin wanted me to make a joke about your name,
but he didn't pay me and I'm lazy, so fuck that guy.
Dustin Faber, you did an amazing job on Godcast. Andy, you being the
curious agnostic did a good job too, maybe, i don't know, sort of, who
knows. And sorry about Justin Drew, but you have to remember, adding him to
anything causes a show or skit to drag the fuck on for what seemingly feels
like hours. But no worries, he'll die alone anyway.
By the way don’t be down on yourself Andy, shit happens. Luckily Jimmy Jam
was there to provide awesome commentary in an even more annoying Bane voice
throughout the podcast. Andy, I’m sorry for last week for spoiling the
title match on smackdown. I figured you would have found out through
facebook, twitter, tumblr, text message, any wrestling board, espn, cnn,
msnbc, foxnews or SOMETHING like the rest of the world did. (bows) I Bling
great dishon-ah to my famary and I sorreh. (stabs stomach)
And James, sorry my phone died out during the last hour of Raw. And thanks
for pointing out my doppelganger in the audience you slanted pussy whipped
dog eater. Your face reminds me a ginger’s hairy undercarriage, RIP
Cinnamon. I know you are in desperate need of my material when you come on
this show but I’m glad you hung in there and did a good job anyway.
Stewie! So it looks like it is you and me… again…for the first time…I
think. The Scottish mouse vs The Iranian Terror! The Celibate Samurai vs
The Retarded Enigma! The man paving his legacy of dominance vs the man on a
road to redemption! The guy that looks like the result of Chris Alt and
Seth MacFarlane hate fucking each other until one of them bled vs The Jihad
Jimmy Kimmel. Gods among CHUDs!
An electrified Cage, eels for ring ropes, sand paper turnbuckles and shag
rugs for the ring floor as we cover ourselves in wool fabrics for the
inevitable static ELECTRITEHHHHHH!!!! (thunder sound)
ERMERGERD! EPIC STALLING!
Who am I kidding, just click the damn link...
You're not even good enough for the cover anymore you haggis sucking has
been. Eat a dick (unless you're into that, i dont know). Anyway, Vote
Quimby.
Johnny