MNF 59/Male Bag 42
Feb 17, 2013 16:29:25 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Feb 17, 2013 16:29:25 GMT -5
Check out MNF 59 and Male Bag 42 on iTunes, Stitcher or www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw then get your stupid ass back here and VOTE!!!
And don't forget to vote for the tag team match right here
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9393
and the Ten Pun Death Match right here
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9394
EDIT TO ADD: I made a dumb in the polls. Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg and Bartow Florida are the same guy. To vote for either Crispin or Bartow, select "Crispin Bradley 'The Hammer' Loftberg." We apologize for any inconvenience.
Austin Sanders
Took me a lot of fucking man hours to construct that piece of, what I like
to call, "Sanderbox art."
Sorry for not emailing in a whole lot guys.
*Andy*-Who cares
I do. I do care. I care and there's nothing you can do about it. And I
don't get this joke and I hate it and I want my baby bottle and my bib and
my binky and my video of Baby Enstien cause I'm 19 so that makes not up to
snuff with you guys. Because being 19 apparently means I can't be a man.
That I'm not smart enough to be able to eat at the big kids table. THAT MY
ARMS ARE TOO SHORT TO BOX GOD. Except Nate because, you know, short joke.
PUNSHOUSE.Dwarfism
I'm SICK and TIRED-
*Chris- "Maybe you missed nap time." *
OHHHHHHHHHH I'm so steamed up jew level. Guys, this is my heart.
And this is you slashing my heart with your sword of being a big fat bully.
<///3
How does that make you guys FEEL NOW? HUH?
*Andy- "Faggot" *
......Oh man.OH man.....I did not want it to come to this. I DID NOT want
to it to come to this. During my studies at school, I not only found the
perfect kind of wood to carve a cross and catch it on fire in front of
somethings house. *It's hemlock btw.* I was also lucky enough to come
across.......this
It's beautiful ain't it?
For those of you who don't know much about Final Fantasy, it's called.....a
Phoenix Down. In the same respect, for those of you who hate bits, you
should skip the next 10 minutes of this stupid bit. Cause I'm bringing in
back-story for this bitch. It's like a bit, but with character development.
A phoenix down can bring ANYONE back from the dead. Anyone I find
suitable and worth bringing back to life. I found it from some African
American fellow trying to bring back his Father from the grave.
I explained to him that his father didn't die, but simply walked out on him
as a child. I argued my theory with undeniable logic. He's black. And all
black fathers can't accept responsibly. And he oddly accepted my answer.
Therefore, he had no use for the phoenix down. Sucks for him, he might have
been able to use this later for his gangsta hommies. NOW I'M NOT SAYING his
hommies are gonna die by a drive by shooting, I'M just saying Scott-Land
motha fucka.
And now......To find an old....."friend".
*Drives to a nearby grave site, gets out of the truck and walks towards a
tomb-stone.*
*Stares at the grave. It's raining with the sky turning red like
Gotham Citys.*
I need those tag belts.......they were so close to being in my
grasps........And you're the only one who can help me do it.
*It's TheTallOnes grave. Lightning strikes*
*Fades to black with sad and dramatic music*
XOXOXOXO
The Anti-Alliance
Leesa Kern
MNF
Hi guys! Thanks for the shout out. Stu can say my name as often as he
wishes in his accent
For what it's worth, I do NOT like Jericho's 'manties' and wish he would go
back to the long tights. I also wish he would do more bench presses or
something.
I just listened to my first MNF all the way through. It's hard to do since
I only have speakers on a computer at work, and often your content is NSFW.
But I laughed outloud several times. Good job guys!
And quick picking on Cam. He seems like a nice guy.
Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg
Poles on Poles on Poles!
Hey guyth!
Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg here with my tag team partner Bart
Florida as THE BEDROCK AND COCK CONNECTION, and we're ready for a gay-ass
tag-team streetfight! How did you guys know that my favorite match was a
pole match (well, to be fair, I do just love anything with poles!) With a
Pole on the pole too! That's just great because I don't know if you guyth
knew this, but Bart Florida is himself a quarter Polish! And I regularly
consume and force myself on Polish men, so this is gonna be great!
Just so the Voodoo Kilt Mafia know what they're dealing with, here is an
arsenal of my signature moves:
- The GTS (Gay Taco Stuffer)
- The Sphincterbreaker
- Full Nelson to Butt Rape
- Air Rape
- The STF (Super Tyrannosaur Fluffer)
- The Dick Breaker
- The RKO (Raptor Kock Offer)
- The Dick Crushing Finale
- The Brontosaurus Buster
- The Ass Splash
- The MasterCock
- The CockSwitch
- The Cockseeker
- The Dick Zag
- Future Cock DDT
- The Punjabi Plunge (not the one you're thinking of, I just anally violate
an Indian boy in-ring)
- and don't forget our patented tag team finisher: The Bedrocker
Cockerknocker Orville Redenbacher Cock Knock!
So as you can see, my cock-based move arsenal is something to fear! One
thing that Stu won't be after this match is a virgin anymore! THAT'S RIGHT
STU, I KNOW YOUR SPECIAL E-MAILING POWERS COME FROM YOUR VIRGINITY, AND I
WILL STEAL THAT POWER FROM YOU WITH LOTS OF UNPLEASANT BUTTSEX!
Oh, and you Papa Shango, I've been waiting to get into the ring with you! I
have a thing for large black men who I refer to as Papa who have a vested
interest in my "black circle". BUT THIS BLACK CIRCLE IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU!
YOU AIN'T READY FOR THIS JELLY!
Oh, boy, that Ivan Putski fellow looks just sooooo dreeeeaaaammmmyyyyy. He
looks so lonely up there! I must get up on that pole! (Another comment I
often make at around three in the morning). Alright here I go, watch my
back Bartow Florida!
Bartow Florida
You just got poled! Right in the pole!
That's right, Crispin, I got your back! Especially against this no good
team of foreigners who both have way too much involvement with virginity
(one is a virgin, while the other liberally sacrifices them)! I assure you
my team has absolutely nothing to do with virginity! (Seriously, that
Loftberg guy is crazy, he sucked off five agrosauruses right before we came
out here).
I must defend my Polish brethren and get him off of that pole! Wait, what's
that!?!?! What's going on up there!?!?!? *As Bartow notices the pole
shaking he looks up, and MY GOD! CRISPIN BRADLEY THE HAMMER LOFTBERG HAS
TAKEN PUTSKI OFF THE POLE, BUT PUT HIM ON TOP OF ANOTHER, VERY VERY
DIFFERENT POLE...)
DAMN YOU LOFTBERG! HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE MY POLISH BRETHREN!?!?! TIME FOR
EXCTINITION! *Bartow runs towards the pole, knocking it down with a vicious
CockKick! Crispin Bradley The Hammer Loftberg hurdles into the flaming
depths of the lava below!*
THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE, IF THE YOU SO DECREE: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! I
GOT MY HEEL TURN AND IT ONLY TOOK AN EXTREMELY CONVOLUTED GAY HIP HOP
DINOSAUR GIMMICK TO DO IT (still more sensible than ADR's face turn...)!
Now you know the kind of unexpected things and ridiculous headlines that
can happen when you enter FLORIDA!
Big D
Holla At Your Boy!
'Sup Flawedcast Network!
This is your boy Big Negro D. a.k.a. Big NWord D a.k.a. Spaceley Sprocket
aka Mr. 801 aka Provo's Finest aka Big Mormon Motherfucker aka Young
Bringem Son.
I am Provo, Utah's finest and I've been a fan for awhile. I decided to
bring some flavor to this white, dreary motherfucking place.
First of all let me say, YOU WHITE MOTHERFUCKAS. Just a bunch of racist,
honkey, crackerass motherfuckers. Typical when you get a bunch of white folks together there will be a few kid fuckers among the crew. You
guys got this motherfucker Brian VanAlstine. White fuckin name. His
main thing here is that he likes to fuck young girls. You creepy
motherfucker. You already got that creepy ass jew voice. Stop fuckin
little kids, man.
Then you got that cracker ass NAMBLA motherfucker Chris Alt. This motherfucker works at GAME STOP. It's a
kid fucker's dream. Who else wants to be around kids all the time like
this? Get yourself a real job, man. GAME STOP? Nah nigga, YOU stop.
What makes me sick is that you bunch of cracker ass motherfuckas love this
Stu Little guy. This corny, pasty white piece of shit. Little dick
havin Irish motherfucker. I'm sure he's got a nasty little pale dick
hidden in some nasty red pubes. Looks like a rotten little acorn
sitting on top of a red bush. You soccer playing limey potatoe eatin
motherfucka.
You white folks need to step yo game up. Get some black folks around these parts.
Alright you cracker ass bitches. This is your boy Big Negro D. Much love to ya'll.
HOLLA AT YOUR BOY!
MORMONEY ENT.
Michael Demko
The Puns on a Pole death match!
Hey guys,
So, I heard I have the fight of my life to endure before I win a Male Bag
World Title. I have to unleash the 10 most awful puns I can think of on my
opponent, Bartow Florida. So let's get this Pun-Off started!
1. Bartow, I'm afraid you don't have much of a chance in this battle,
seeing as no one knows more about Pun-ishment than Demko.
2. Be ready for the spice of competition, Mr. Florida. I am prepared to
as-salt and pepper you with awful puns.
3. I'm gonna hurt you so bad, Andy and Chris will have to call the Bar-Tow
truck to haul away your sorry carcass.
4. Don't try to write down your puns with a broken pencil. It's pointless.
5. Just like a calendar, Bartow, your days are numbered.
6. What would Andy's fiancee, Nicole say about this World Title belt,
Bartow? It's NACHOS!
And these last three puns are dino-related, in honor of Bartow's alter-ego:
7. Bartow likes to portray a gay dino in some of his e-mails. I guess that
would make him a Dino-sore-ass. (Calm down, Cam.)
8. But here's the thing. I've heard that Bartow Florida's dino isn't
actually gay. I hear he likes a Lickalotapus. (Calm down, Me.)
9. I just hope his girlfriend never gets her Jurassic Period.
10. And finally, lest you forget who the fuck I am, Bartow. I'm Michael
Demko, Master of Demko's Dungeon. You can call me Dino-Sir from now on,
bitch!
Thanks for the opportunity to take this title home, Andy. And thanks for
not being there for MNF, Chris. Unless you would have voted for me, in
which case, go fuck yourself, Chris.
I'll hang up now and listen...
Michael Demko
Co-Host of TV For Vendetta
Master of Demko's Dungeon
Bartow Florida
Demko Pun-Off!
What's this? I get finished with the most epicest tag battle of all time
and now I must enter a c4-laden ring covered in nails, surrounded by barbed
wire, all of which is on fire? FUCK YES BRING IT ON YOU COCKKNOCKERS! I
WILL DESTROY DEMKO WITH MY ARSENAL OF PUNNERY!
- Michael Demko? More like Michael Man-Ho!
- C4? It's still gonna be a c-BORE of a match with Demko involved!
- You could light everything on fire, and it still wouldn't be as FLAMING
as Demko! HA!
- You're going to throw a bed of tacks in there? With Demko, it might as
well be a bed of TACKY! HEY-YO!
- Speaking of Michael "BJ" Demko, he only wishes his bad jokes were half as
good as his blow jobs!
- TV for Vendetta? More like HIV for your ears!
- Master of Demko's Dungeon? More like Plastered With Man-Ho's Cum and Gin!
- He's a fan of Doctor Who? Well, more like Doctor Who the Fuck is This
Guy?!?!?!
- Demko is from Tampa Bay? More like, Ramp Up The Gay!
- He's friends with Brian V. Alstyne? More like he's a fan of Beating
Virgins' Anals Time!
Woo, good thing I wrapped that up, that was getting a little off the rails.
Who am I kidding? This thing started off the rails. Well I can only hope
the people of the Malebag will appreciate my punnery and anti-gay-dino
agenda, as with these two victories I can accomplish the impossible and
unify myself as The MNF Heavyweight/Tag-Team Champion! So Demko, I hope
you've done your worst, now we can see who the real Floridian is, the guy
who lives there, or the guy that calls himself Florida for no discernable
reason! HA!
Jon Drouin
Male Bagging
Hey Andy and Chris,
I have a question for you.
Do you know what 41 plus 59 equals?
That's right! It's 100!
And did you know that Andy and James just recorded episode 59 of Monday Night Flaw, and last week was episode 41 of Male Bag?
So congratulations all around on the Century Mark! Good Job to everyone!
Not only that, but to my knowledge, Andy has only missed one single show in that time! So congrats are in order to Andy TONIGHT for his 100th appearance on an MNF show!
But wait! There's more! Last week was also Stu Little's 50th episode with an email! So congrats to Stu! Hooray!
And don't forget Scott Taylor! He's now sent in 50 TNA Recaps! Yay!
I think this is Chris's 35th show overall too. Anyways, thanks for a great 171.6 hours of entertaining podcasts. Maybe. I don't know. I'm just making these numbers up.
Moving along, i t sounds like Chris and Cam had fun at Smackdown!
I'm excited to hear all the stories. But first, I do have some thoughts on Raw that I'd like to share with you.
First, there's the whole CM Punk and Paul Heyman storyline.
HOLY SHIT CHRIS WE ARE GOING TO BE RELATED!!!!
I mean,
GOOD LORD! [TM Mikey Watson]
Sorry. I couldn't hold it in any longer. Dude! Chris! I mean... wow! This is so flipping awesome!
Although, I had no idea that Sarah was keeping you in the dark. She said to me that she was discussing everything with you, and that I shouldn't bother calling you guys at home, as she would just take care of everything at the office. Women. I tell ya. They sure can be crafty.
I can only imagine your conversation with Sarah last week after you opened the letter live on Male Bag. I f you have any thoughts or questions after having a chance to digest all the big news, let me know.
Also Andy, I'm not sure why you put my name up for voting last week. I didn't send an email, nor did I send that letter. It was just the official documentation from the county government.
Have a great week,
Jon Drouin
PS... Andy, do you have a fax number?
PPS...
Jon Huggins
part 2
Hey guys and gays, its the 3rd return of the other British guy. i took a lot for me to come back to this, but i felt some odd sense of duty to finish what i started 4 weeks ago, especially after I received the coveted slow clap and 3 votes. it felt good knowing that my suffering was giving people some enjoyment. i imagine this is what Great Khali feels most night, only with the suffering part, no one enjoys that poor fuck.
and so it begins again. after the mayonnaise intervention (which took up 7 minutes of this episode) the theme returns to haloween and ghost stories. honey booboo takes first turn and her story is the fart ghost."the fart ghost is a ghost that smells like a fart before is scares you" this just seems to be an excuse for honeybooboo to sit there and bark one out. the family don't seem to have a fucking clue about anything, and they all get scared and flee the room, screaming "the fart ghost is here, the fart ghost is here" i wonder if just calling something a ghost makes anything acceptable. I'll have to give it a try with my story of the roofy and rape ghost
in the next segment, the family takes a trip to Kackleberry farm, which just looks like a really shitty farm with lots of depressed inbred looking animals moping around. i'd look depressed too if i'd paid $10 to get in.
We notice that the Dad is in a wheelchair. looks like Momma June did climb aboard last night, poor bastard.
Momma June and two of the daughters are wearing long shorts for their day out. Cankleberry farm is born.
the star attraction of Cankleberry farm is the corn maze, the concept of which has both honeybooboo and momma june confused."whats a corn maze, momma?""well... um its when they grow like... corn and...um... they make in into like a corn maze?" momma june was also confused at the soda stand selling diet coke.
the family go into the maze and within 5 minutes are lost, hardly surprising when Honey booboo has been appointed as the navigator.
Momma June has broken the cardinal rule of family outings by not going for a piss before leaving the house and she seems to have the same amount of control over her bladder that she does over her appetite, and disappears into the corn to relieve herself. she comes ambling out in what likes like a deleted scene from Field of Dreams.
Momma June had previously warned the kids not to go walking off into the maze in case they turn into the children of the corn. Isn't that the film where the kids turn into murderous little bastards and start killing the adults because the corn harvest fails one year? and you've just pissed on it? PLEASE TURN INTO THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN!! although they already give me the heeby jeebies a lot more anything Stephen King has ever dreamt up.
the family spend what seems like an hour walking round the maze trying to find their way out, and honey booboo gets agitated and starts running around trying to find the exit "i think i smell the ending" nope, you've just made it back to momma june's outdoor bathroom. eventually she does find the exit."the only reason they got out of the corn maze is because of me. if they didn't have me, they'd still be in there" fucking bitch.
after the maze, honey booboo and the kids want to go play on the saddest looking bouncy castle ever, and honey booboo reckons that she's the best bouncer ever. if i saw her standing at the door to a bar, i wouldn't want to go in. she lets everyone that shes going to do a flip, but lands flat on her face. so she's a graduate of the Sin Cara school of flips then.
after the family leaves Cankleberry Farm, they go to a costume store to get more into the haloween spirit. Momma June, 33 (good continuity from the editors) does have some self awareness"i don't know they'll have a costume bid enough to fit me" would the WWE still have any of King Mabels outfits?
when they pull up to the store, daughter Jessica runs from the car into the store to use the bathroom. momma june proclaims "smells like y'all need to use the bathroom"
inside, honey booboo ask the clerk if they have any costumes made of bacon. the clerk apologises "i'm sorry we're fresh out of bacon" mommy june laughs, but i'm sure we can see a tear in her eye.
honeybooboo tells us her favourite part of dressing up"the best part of costumes is that i can pretend to be whoever i wanna be" i don't think this store has any 'orphaned at birth' costumes.
despite the family trying on what seems like every costume in the store, momma june lets us know her feelings "i think its nasty trying one everyone elses costumes" you are no judge of what is and isn't nasty. one of the girls shouts out "this costume smells like someones ass" camera pans round to see no costume is being worn. maybe the fart ghost had made another visit.
honeybooboo has found a firemans costume. Dad gets in a rare word, and he doesn't disappoint. "you got your flashlight and your axe, but you don't got a fire hose" he knows where theres a hose, not that it will put out many fires.
just as the family are leaving the store, we finally see a costume big enough to fit momma june
the next morning, honey booboo is talking to daughter Jessica, who has an eye patch on "its sad you can't come trick or treating Jessica" then we get a small piece about how her eye got hurt. the story goes that Jessica wanted to get something from the car, so Dad threw the keys at her, but Jessica could catch them and they hit her in the face. thats the story, but i think Dad was testing out his "fire hose" on Jessica before letting honey booboo play with it.
if we were in any doubt as to why this family of chuds are all so huge, the costumes that were picked out confirm that its something deep rooted
mommy june definitely picked out the hotdog costume for the baby. the 12lb cheeseball didn't appeal, even she needs some variety in her diet
mommy june has had a marilyn monroe outfit bought for her by Dad, to match her new blonde bombshell look. the dress doesn't really look like marilyn monroe, but more like she's going to a Kathy Bates convention. when she turns around, the back tits are bigger than Chynas.
the family are just on there way out, but the pause to gather around and sing what to the rest of the world is a song just for haloween, but i'm sure for these is a family mottotrick or treatsmell my feetgive me something good to eat
the hotdog baby is praying "let it be me, please let it be me"
honey booboo has chosen something that just looks like any 13 yr old goth kid. Hot Topic? more like wish-i-was-MyOpic.
phew, thats finally the end. its been an emotional journey, one that i'm glad to have shared with you all. i shall return, but just to talk about wrestling, and when the new season starts, the Saints inabilty to capatalise on Drew Brees' greatness and string together more than 2 wins in a row. peace out homies,
Jonathan Huggins
Austin Sanders
Scott Taylor sucks cocks.
Stu Little
Sponsored By Quaker Oats
Hey guys,
Well, what a week this has been. Harrison Ford's gonna be in Episode 7, that Chris Dorner thing happened, and The Pope up and quit. Whoever fills that job, we can all agree we can think of someone worse, right?
A couple of things from WWE this week:
Mark Henry continued his return to inducting people into the Hall of Pain, and proved that NO ONE was safe:
Speaking of racism, Jack Swagger got a new manager, and boy was I surpised to see Wilford Brimley playing the role of Zeb Coulter. What's the matter, Wilf? Do you think immigrants are to blame for diabeetus too? He should get Swagger to feud with Antonio Cesaro over the life threatening properties of Swiss Chocolate. Just imagine it.
JR: OH MY GAWD! CESARO JUST BROKE THAT TOBLERONE WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE OVER SWAGGER'S HEAD! SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!
But I think as uncomfortable as this whole gimmick has made me, I can give Wilford a pass, cos we all know this current Bow and Arrow pop culture craze can be traced back to his iconic role in the seminal (calm down, Cam) Jean Claude Van Damme movie, Hard Target:
Also, he totally showed how he got GAME, son, in "Cocoon II: The Return".
You see Chris, Cocoon was a movie where old people got youthfull energy from swimming in a pool with alien cocoons in it, and hijinks ensued. This spawned a sequel...OBVIOUSLY! Who doesn't love the sound of that, well except for Brian Van Alstyne? The Hipster of the Flawedcast Network, rejecting all the popular works. With his glasses, and his...tie, and his ironic cookie monster shirt. "Consenting Adults? Too Mainstream.". Anyway, Cocoon II saw Wilford, the old guy from Batteries Not Included and one of the old guys from Trading Places school some young punks on the court:
Speaking of guys comically getting involved with Basketball, I have a Tag Team Titles Match with Bartow Florida and his partner. I hope I don't have to go it alone. I still haven't heard from my esteemed tag team partner, Papa Shango. I've gotten so desperate I visited the Haitain district of Glasgow to find help, and for a princely sum, I was able to purchase what I was assured is a Voodoo incantation for summoning him. Okay, here goes:
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa, can you find me in the night?
Papa, are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me, not be frightened?
Hey, wait a minute...let me google this...god dammit, this is a Barbara Streisand song from the movie Yentl(calm down, Fred)!
Guess I'm on my own. Not really a bad thing, as I couldn't care less about holding onto these things any longer, I'm just obligated to put up a good fight. Though Bartow could use a win, as he's facing me, he's facing Demko and he's lost the rights to the name of his podcast. There sure are a lot of people wanting to get into basketball coverage, aren't there? And I can see why. It's so easy. Want to know what happened in basketball this week? The black guys won. Done. But still, I totally get why your tag team partner is a gay dinosaur, Bartow. The shape of Florida is known for looking like crusty, fossilised cock(no offense Alan Capps. I loved your deleted scene from Cocoon). Speaking of gay dinosaurs...Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg. Well. Look at you. You've made quite the impression with your porn and your critiquing gimmicks, but how about I critique yours. I think I have the right. I gave you half of your name. The other half came from Cliff.
No wonder you turned out the way you did. I don't mind the gay thing, or the dinosaur thing, or time travelling without a bow tie. But...where's the supposed Hip Hop love? You don't even have it as your theme music. That's a slap in face to a man like me. But more so to someone else. DJ Mixmaster Edge Busey, give me a fucking beat...
*beat*
YEAH!
UH!
SCOTT LAND!
2013!
MAYAN PROPHESY? MORE LIKE LYIN' GOSSIPY!
Everybody now, open the door,
Everybody now, get on the floor,
And everybody cap that dinosaur!
I hope you've got the card to be an organ donor,
This fight'll be shorter than your itsy Dino Boner,
You Park your ass in here, thinking your Jurassic,
But I come out with half a verse, already instant classic,
Got the edge now, so I'll peel you like an orange,
Because you-
*record needle scratch*
*Stu convulses as he's possessed by the spirit of Papa Shango*
(to be continued...)
Michael Hodge
Hey, Chrandy.
When's Thrasher-cast happening? I'm really looking forward to it.
Mr. Canada? More like Mr. Bland-ada. AmIrite?
I COULD Twitter Scott at 2Hot2K
The Number 2 the word hot the number 2 the letter k
I'm unlikely to. I don't care about TNA.
I went to high school with a Scott Taylor. I didn't like him either.
My Elimination Chamber picks:
The Rock
Team Feed Me Great White Thuganomics
Jericho
ADR
Miz
no contest in the Divas match (match never starts due to Chris Brown and Ben Roethlisberger showing up at the event. All women are quickly escorted from the building.)
Brodus & Tensai
That's it for me.
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey
Cam Gullett
PeePeeVee predictions!
Hey guys, it was really nice to see Austin Sanders' dad be a new addition
to Jack Sthwagger's act.
Now for my Elimination Chamber PeePeeVee predictions that are sure to be
wrong.
Tamina defeats Kaitlyn for the Divas title because: who cares
The new Natural Disasters will defeat The Rhodes Scholars because the
Scholars are no longer a real team.
The Miz loses to Cesaro, but then they wrestle again at Mania.
The Shield beats team never eats a pin due to either Sheamus or Ryback
fucking things up signaling a Wrestlemania match between both of the great
whites.
Jericho and Mark Henry are the final two in the EC match, and Ziggler
distracts Jericho to allow Henry to win. Jericho and Ziggler then wrestle
the opener at Mania.
ADR beats the Big Show because they want Henry to bludgeon him at Mania so
that Ziggler can cash in and have a title feud with Jericho afterwards.
Brock Lesnar comes out and fucks up Punk due to Heyman talking about how
much he loves Punk on Raw. Rock gets DQ'd because of it so Punk wins the
title. Triple H comes out and calls bullshit on that and restarts the
match, also challenges Brock to a match at Mania.
Some of this would be fun if it happened, but it won't because it would
actually be fun.
Cam Gullett
Michael Demko
Last minute crack at Scott Taylor...
I almost forgot that Scott Taylor was the I-C champ this week... so here
are some last minute insults for him:
I heard when Scott Taylor was a baby, his mom wanted to hire someone to
take care of him... but the Canandian mafia wanted too much.
Scott Taylor will never be the man his mother is.
Scott Taylor is SO boring, even his dreams have muzak.
You thought *I* was full of bad jokes? Have you listened to the TNA recap?
And this one's from my wife: "Scott Taylor's so ugly that Hello Kitty said
goodbye to him."
Jim Enright is so fat that every relationship he has is a long distance one.
Oops... sorry, that last one just slipped out.
Love,
Demko
p.s. - Just for the record, I have the utmost respect for Scotty and what
he does for MNF. I'm glad SOMEONE on that show gives me a chance to step
away for a piss break, am I right?
Papa Shango
Voodoo Time
Stuart Little, you dare to use the Dark Arts to summon the Underworld
Demons? You call upon Papa Shango to lay waste to your enemies. (puffs
cigar and blows smoke at a bowl)?
So be it. (spits chicken blood at same bowl and starts to mutter)
This curse is for the Confused Dinosaur from the Future
"Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust
Twist and bend the bones to bust
I scatter these bones, these bones full of my rage
Take them as an offering to bring thy enemy pain I see thy enemy before me
now I bind him, crush him, and knock him down
With these bones I now do crush
Grind thy enemies into dust
With the eternal fires out of control
With this curse I take thy soul
This is my will let it be done"
You will leave this time stream, forever more, never to return to this
rocky shore. In limbo you shall jump about. Forever forced to listen to
TROUT. Skeet Reese will make you scream and tap, while your tag team
partner, Bartow Florida, will only have middle eastern hirsute porn in
which to Fap. You are banished to another dimension, and you name will
never, ever, again be mentioned!
What is this? The fans can't believe that Papa Shango just invoked the
name of the Monday Night Flaw's Most Famous Fisherman Ever! How the hell
does he know that?!?
(Papa Shango reaches for a zipper on the top of his head and proceeds to
unzip! OMG SWERVE! It's James Ryan!!! He was wearing a Shango suit!!!)
IT WAS ME ASSHOLES! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!!!
That's right! The Golden Voice was masquerading as The Viceroy of Voodoo
all this time!!! I learned voodoo just to mess with your head, Chris Alt!
I took a class at the University of Phoenix online! This whole time it
was me cursing you! DubStep-Gate! That was me! All the world events that
you get melodramatic about! Those are all me!!! I also just cursed your
precious beloved chicken wings to now include bones!!! Time to eat like an
adult!!!
Thanks for the hot tag Stu! And now that I banished fossil back to the
future, we only have to worry about the young upstart Bartow!
But first, I can't write an email and not make fun of Austin Sander! I
found your girlfriend online and she informed me that you two will be
preforming some sort of dance very soon!
Good luck with that.
While I was at it, I did some digging around and found Demko's first day of
his dance class.
As for Bartow. I wanted to get you a gift. I couldn't find your name on
these novelty license plates, so I went with one that was close.
I guess that wasn't as bad as the other links, so I'll leave you with the
KO shot.
This email sure had a lot of dancing references...can you hear that
infectious beat? Turn it up...
I said good day, sir!
The Golden Voice and Voodoo Master, James Ryan
Johnny Bellfield
No seriously, what do you mean "Those People"?
Hey guys, good to be back sorry for not emailing these past few weeks but….
(choose your own adventure)
A) I was sick
B) I was out saving the World
C) I didn’t give a shit
D) I died….again.
…and then the doctor said take two in the morning. So I hope that clears
things up. In all honesty though I’ve been blowing my material on other
shows like Kate Uptons Boobs….THE Podcast (I think that’s how Chris
annoyingly says it). By the way, it was nice to know that Chris Alt’s
autistic Monkey howls are contagious. Cam has such a creepy laughs during
the Superbowl podcast. #LeonSandnig-
I’ve also been busy with making Nate a nice banner for his podcast, which
I’m sure you may have seen already. Although having that picture made me
want to make other things too.
qkme.me/3t0kjr
Let’s talk wrestling!
So if Punk doesn’t fight for the WWE championship he is rumored to face
Taker for no explanation. I say, Let Punk be the SES douche and accuse
Undertaker of being a drug addict AND a cook! Because if you look at Taker
now he looks like a certain someone from that show on AMC…
qkme.me/3t0kmn
Calm down Cole he said Heisenberg not Heidenreich. Oh wait, A sodomy joke?
You calm down too Cam.
Did you guys here the recent news about John Cena? Apparently his ex-wife
is coming forward saying she divorced John after finding out HE was the one
cheating for over a year and not her. Not just with anyone either, but with
a porn star! Kendra Lust to be exact. Total Mantacia face. What’s that? An
athlete cheating on his wife. Pffft get outta town. But if this is true,
this could have hilarious consequences. Vince would have three aneurisms
trying to fix that PR flub. And if Cena would play it off he would have
Edge and Lita levels of heat back with Matt Hardy in 2005. But who knows.
It may not be true. And he wouldn’t be the first guy in WWE to do this
anyway. There was a reason Dolph Ziggler always had the Brazzers tag on him
as a joke. But instead of just accepting porn, I say we embrace it! WWE and
Porn working together! Val Venis, Godfather and Chyna can come back. And we
can have a ‘Do not try this at home’ vignettes with both genres. I’m sure
it’d go something like this.
* *
*Bodies have been bruised.*
"How do you learn how to have sex on a 20 foot ladder?"
"As God as my witness!!! She may have been broken in half!!!"
"Jesse Jane might have been knocked up."
"I dislocated my index and middle finger…"
"I ruptured my dick… which fragmented into my… spinal column."
*Yes, this is entertainment but the hazards are real.*
"How she's even able to STAND?!?"
"Policemen, fire fighters , EMTs, pizza delivery men down."
*No matter who you are, whatever you do, PLEASE don't try this at home.*
And scene.
Racism in the WWE is not uncommon but THIS is getting a little out of hand.
Did ‘Make a Wish’ grant Austin Sanders’ wish to write for WWE for a week?
Matter of fact, this whole fucking network and IWC is losing it. First we
get angry racist Big Show. Then we get Jack Swagger and James Ryan (age 60)
to come out and spew their racist non-sense. And his last name is Coulter,
FUCKING Coulter! Nice move WWE writer that watches Fox News. And with all
of this hate going around what do you bastards do? You pull an Enright and
just eat it up asking for seconds. "Those People"? Shame on all of you!
Jesus, can you imagine if Jack Swagger went to a B A Star campaign in the
urban communities? Total PR nightmare. Okay, maybe not. I’m sure Swagger
wouldn’t be allowed to do speeches Swagger’s lisp makes BVA sound like
Morgan Freeman.
Anyway, looking forward to the ‘tea-bagger’ faction brewing in WWE. I don’t
know how it will work honestly. It’s not like there is an Obama like
character in the WWE to go after. I mean, can you guys possibly think of a
dark yet only half black charismatic individual that just won a big contest
and is now the big man on top? Someone who stopped the evil tyranny of a
former white individual that seemingly held his grasp on entitlement and
power for far too long? Not 8 years per say, more like 434 days. And now
every fat dork in the IWC is angry because the dark guy that showed up out
of nowhere and won clean is the champion now…who the fuck could play THAT
kind of role?
Oh
My
God…
It all makes sense. Andy. Chris. Vince McMahon is trying his damndest to
turn you into Republicans! All of us! Jack Swagger, Big Show, The Rock IWC
hate. It all makes sense! I mean, why else would these CHUDs here spread so
much malicious hate towards the Rock? It couldn’t possibly be because he
won a fake wrestling match with a FINISHER. Only a complete water breathing
asshole would bring in that logic considering these same cock chewing
mutants have no problem with other finishers including glorified punches,
knee lifts and fucking fireman carries. So this HAS to be the reason. Thank
God. For a second there, I thought you guys were just being a bunch of
whiney bitches. Phew. Glad to get that out of the way.
Lastly, thank you Andy for backing me up on saying AJ looks 12. Don’t get
me wrong, I’d let her sit on my face for an hour, but I wouldn’t fight over
it. Look guys, I know she is somewhat pretty but you guys need to stop
calling her a 10, unless you are mentioning her age. Calm down you know
who. Anyway I end this patriotic male bag week as a real American. With an
Army Sgt. Platoon like chant…well actually. It’s Cam’s version.
This is my rifle
This is my tongue
This is for fighting
This is for cum.
Good night Guys,
Johnny
P.S. Believe in the Shield. Or as Roman Reigns said it "
BEEEELEEEEVENNDASHIEEEEEYAAAAAAAAA" Yeah, Great Mic skills Andy. Fucko.
And don't forget to vote for the tag team match right here
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9393
and the Ten Pun Death Match right here
natecorbitt.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=kotr&thread=9394
EDIT TO ADD: I made a dumb in the polls. Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg and Bartow Florida are the same guy. To vote for either Crispin or Bartow, select "Crispin Bradley 'The Hammer' Loftberg." We apologize for any inconvenience.
Austin Sanders
Took me a lot of fucking man hours to construct that piece of, what I like
to call, "Sanderbox art."
Sorry for not emailing in a whole lot guys.
*Andy*-Who cares
I do. I do care. I care and there's nothing you can do about it. And I
don't get this joke and I hate it and I want my baby bottle and my bib and
my binky and my video of Baby Enstien cause I'm 19 so that makes not up to
snuff with you guys. Because being 19 apparently means I can't be a man.
That I'm not smart enough to be able to eat at the big kids table. THAT MY
ARMS ARE TOO SHORT TO BOX GOD. Except Nate because, you know, short joke.
PUNSHOUSE.Dwarfism
I'm SICK and TIRED-
*Chris- "Maybe you missed nap time." *
OHHHHHHHHHH I'm so steamed up jew level. Guys, this is my heart.
And this is you slashing my heart with your sword of being a big fat bully.
<///3
How does that make you guys FEEL NOW? HUH?
*Andy- "Faggot" *
......Oh man.OH man.....I did not want it to come to this. I DID NOT want
to it to come to this. During my studies at school, I not only found the
perfect kind of wood to carve a cross and catch it on fire in front of
somethings house. *It's hemlock btw.* I was also lucky enough to come
across.......this
It's beautiful ain't it?
For those of you who don't know much about Final Fantasy, it's called.....a
Phoenix Down. In the same respect, for those of you who hate bits, you
should skip the next 10 minutes of this stupid bit. Cause I'm bringing in
back-story for this bitch. It's like a bit, but with character development.
A phoenix down can bring ANYONE back from the dead. Anyone I find
suitable and worth bringing back to life. I found it from some African
American fellow trying to bring back his Father from the grave.
I explained to him that his father didn't die, but simply walked out on him
as a child. I argued my theory with undeniable logic. He's black. And all
black fathers can't accept responsibly. And he oddly accepted my answer.
Therefore, he had no use for the phoenix down. Sucks for him, he might have
been able to use this later for his gangsta hommies. NOW I'M NOT SAYING his
hommies are gonna die by a drive by shooting, I'M just saying Scott-Land
motha fucka.
And now......To find an old....."friend".
*Drives to a nearby grave site, gets out of the truck and walks towards a
tomb-stone.*
*Stares at the grave. It's raining with the sky turning red like
Gotham Citys.*
I need those tag belts.......they were so close to being in my
grasps........And you're the only one who can help me do it.
*It's TheTallOnes grave. Lightning strikes*
*Fades to black with sad and dramatic music*
XOXOXOXO
The Anti-Alliance
Leesa Kern
MNF
Hi guys! Thanks for the shout out. Stu can say my name as often as he
wishes in his accent
For what it's worth, I do NOT like Jericho's 'manties' and wish he would go
back to the long tights. I also wish he would do more bench presses or
something.
I just listened to my first MNF all the way through. It's hard to do since
I only have speakers on a computer at work, and often your content is NSFW.
But I laughed outloud several times. Good job guys!
And quick picking on Cam. He seems like a nice guy.
Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg
Poles on Poles on Poles!
Hey guyth!
Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg here with my tag team partner Bart
Florida as THE BEDROCK AND COCK CONNECTION, and we're ready for a gay-ass
tag-team streetfight! How did you guys know that my favorite match was a
pole match (well, to be fair, I do just love anything with poles!) With a
Pole on the pole too! That's just great because I don't know if you guyth
knew this, but Bart Florida is himself a quarter Polish! And I regularly
consume and force myself on Polish men, so this is gonna be great!
Just so the Voodoo Kilt Mafia know what they're dealing with, here is an
arsenal of my signature moves:
- The GTS (Gay Taco Stuffer)
- The Sphincterbreaker
- Full Nelson to Butt Rape
- Air Rape
- The STF (Super Tyrannosaur Fluffer)
- The Dick Breaker
- The RKO (Raptor Kock Offer)
- The Dick Crushing Finale
- The Brontosaurus Buster
- The Ass Splash
- The MasterCock
- The CockSwitch
- The Cockseeker
- The Dick Zag
- Future Cock DDT
- The Punjabi Plunge (not the one you're thinking of, I just anally violate
an Indian boy in-ring)
- and don't forget our patented tag team finisher: The Bedrocker
Cockerknocker Orville Redenbacher Cock Knock!
So as you can see, my cock-based move arsenal is something to fear! One
thing that Stu won't be after this match is a virgin anymore! THAT'S RIGHT
STU, I KNOW YOUR SPECIAL E-MAILING POWERS COME FROM YOUR VIRGINITY, AND I
WILL STEAL THAT POWER FROM YOU WITH LOTS OF UNPLEASANT BUTTSEX!
Oh, and you Papa Shango, I've been waiting to get into the ring with you! I
have a thing for large black men who I refer to as Papa who have a vested
interest in my "black circle". BUT THIS BLACK CIRCLE IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU!
YOU AIN'T READY FOR THIS JELLY!
Oh, boy, that Ivan Putski fellow looks just sooooo dreeeeaaaammmmyyyyy. He
looks so lonely up there! I must get up on that pole! (Another comment I
often make at around three in the morning). Alright here I go, watch my
back Bartow Florida!
Bartow Florida
You just got poled! Right in the pole!
That's right, Crispin, I got your back! Especially against this no good
team of foreigners who both have way too much involvement with virginity
(one is a virgin, while the other liberally sacrifices them)! I assure you
my team has absolutely nothing to do with virginity! (Seriously, that
Loftberg guy is crazy, he sucked off five agrosauruses right before we came
out here).
I must defend my Polish brethren and get him off of that pole! Wait, what's
that!?!?! What's going on up there!?!?!? *As Bartow notices the pole
shaking he looks up, and MY GOD! CRISPIN BRADLEY THE HAMMER LOFTBERG HAS
TAKEN PUTSKI OFF THE POLE, BUT PUT HIM ON TOP OF ANOTHER, VERY VERY
DIFFERENT POLE...)
DAMN YOU LOFTBERG! HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE MY POLISH BRETHREN!?!?! TIME FOR
EXCTINITION! *Bartow runs towards the pole, knocking it down with a vicious
CockKick! Crispin Bradley The Hammer Loftberg hurdles into the flaming
depths of the lava below!*
THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE, IF THE YOU SO DECREE: I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! I
GOT MY HEEL TURN AND IT ONLY TOOK AN EXTREMELY CONVOLUTED GAY HIP HOP
DINOSAUR GIMMICK TO DO IT (still more sensible than ADR's face turn...)!
Now you know the kind of unexpected things and ridiculous headlines that
can happen when you enter FLORIDA!
Big D
Holla At Your Boy!
'Sup Flawedcast Network!
This is your boy Big Negro D. a.k.a. Big NWord D a.k.a. Spaceley Sprocket
aka Mr. 801 aka Provo's Finest aka Big Mormon Motherfucker aka Young
Bringem Son.
I am Provo, Utah's finest and I've been a fan for awhile. I decided to
bring some flavor to this white, dreary motherfucking place.
First of all let me say, YOU WHITE MOTHERFUCKAS. Just a bunch of racist,
honkey, crackerass motherfuckers. Typical when you get a bunch of white folks together there will be a few kid fuckers among the crew. You
guys got this motherfucker Brian VanAlstine. White fuckin name. His
main thing here is that he likes to fuck young girls. You creepy
motherfucker. You already got that creepy ass jew voice. Stop fuckin
little kids, man.
Then you got that cracker ass NAMBLA motherfucker Chris Alt. This motherfucker works at GAME STOP. It's a
kid fucker's dream. Who else wants to be around kids all the time like
this? Get yourself a real job, man. GAME STOP? Nah nigga, YOU stop.
What makes me sick is that you bunch of cracker ass motherfuckas love this
Stu Little guy. This corny, pasty white piece of shit. Little dick
havin Irish motherfucker. I'm sure he's got a nasty little pale dick
hidden in some nasty red pubes. Looks like a rotten little acorn
sitting on top of a red bush. You soccer playing limey potatoe eatin
motherfucka.
You white folks need to step yo game up. Get some black folks around these parts.
Alright you cracker ass bitches. This is your boy Big Negro D. Much love to ya'll.
HOLLA AT YOUR BOY!
MORMONEY ENT.
Michael Demko
The Puns on a Pole death match!
Hey guys,
So, I heard I have the fight of my life to endure before I win a Male Bag
World Title. I have to unleash the 10 most awful puns I can think of on my
opponent, Bartow Florida. So let's get this Pun-Off started!
1. Bartow, I'm afraid you don't have much of a chance in this battle,
seeing as no one knows more about Pun-ishment than Demko.
2. Be ready for the spice of competition, Mr. Florida. I am prepared to
as-salt and pepper you with awful puns.
3. I'm gonna hurt you so bad, Andy and Chris will have to call the Bar-Tow
truck to haul away your sorry carcass.
4. Don't try to write down your puns with a broken pencil. It's pointless.
5. Just like a calendar, Bartow, your days are numbered.
6. What would Andy's fiancee, Nicole say about this World Title belt,
Bartow? It's NACHOS!
And these last three puns are dino-related, in honor of Bartow's alter-ego:
7. Bartow likes to portray a gay dino in some of his e-mails. I guess that
would make him a Dino-sore-ass. (Calm down, Cam.)
8. But here's the thing. I've heard that Bartow Florida's dino isn't
actually gay. I hear he likes a Lickalotapus. (Calm down, Me.)
9. I just hope his girlfriend never gets her Jurassic Period.
10. And finally, lest you forget who the fuck I am, Bartow. I'm Michael
Demko, Master of Demko's Dungeon. You can call me Dino-Sir from now on,
bitch!
Thanks for the opportunity to take this title home, Andy. And thanks for
not being there for MNF, Chris. Unless you would have voted for me, in
which case, go fuck yourself, Chris.
I'll hang up now and listen...
Michael Demko
Co-Host of TV For Vendetta
Master of Demko's Dungeon
Bartow Florida
Demko Pun-Off!
What's this? I get finished with the most epicest tag battle of all time
and now I must enter a c4-laden ring covered in nails, surrounded by barbed
wire, all of which is on fire? FUCK YES BRING IT ON YOU COCKKNOCKERS! I
WILL DESTROY DEMKO WITH MY ARSENAL OF PUNNERY!
- Michael Demko? More like Michael Man-Ho!
- C4? It's still gonna be a c-BORE of a match with Demko involved!
- You could light everything on fire, and it still wouldn't be as FLAMING
as Demko! HA!
- You're going to throw a bed of tacks in there? With Demko, it might as
well be a bed of TACKY! HEY-YO!
- Speaking of Michael "BJ" Demko, he only wishes his bad jokes were half as
good as his blow jobs!
- TV for Vendetta? More like HIV for your ears!
- Master of Demko's Dungeon? More like Plastered With Man-Ho's Cum and Gin!
- He's a fan of Doctor Who? Well, more like Doctor Who the Fuck is This
Guy?!?!?!
- Demko is from Tampa Bay? More like, Ramp Up The Gay!
- He's friends with Brian V. Alstyne? More like he's a fan of Beating
Virgins' Anals Time!
Woo, good thing I wrapped that up, that was getting a little off the rails.
Who am I kidding? This thing started off the rails. Well I can only hope
the people of the Malebag will appreciate my punnery and anti-gay-dino
agenda, as with these two victories I can accomplish the impossible and
unify myself as The MNF Heavyweight/Tag-Team Champion! So Demko, I hope
you've done your worst, now we can see who the real Floridian is, the guy
who lives there, or the guy that calls himself Florida for no discernable
reason! HA!
Jon Drouin
Male Bagging
Hey Andy and Chris,
I have a question for you.
Do you know what 41 plus 59 equals?
That's right! It's 100!
And did you know that Andy and James just recorded episode 59 of Monday Night Flaw, and last week was episode 41 of Male Bag?
So congratulations all around on the Century Mark! Good Job to everyone!
Not only that, but to my knowledge, Andy has only missed one single show in that time! So congrats are in order to Andy TONIGHT for his 100th appearance on an MNF show!
But wait! There's more! Last week was also Stu Little's 50th episode with an email! So congrats to Stu! Hooray!
And don't forget Scott Taylor! He's now sent in 50 TNA Recaps! Yay!
I think this is Chris's 35th show overall too. Anyways, thanks for a great 171.6 hours of entertaining podcasts. Maybe. I don't know. I'm just making these numbers up.
Moving along, i t sounds like Chris and Cam had fun at Smackdown!
I'm excited to hear all the stories. But first, I do have some thoughts on Raw that I'd like to share with you.
First, there's the whole CM Punk and Paul Heyman storyline.
HOLY SHIT CHRIS WE ARE GOING TO BE RELATED!!!!
I mean,
GOOD LORD! [TM Mikey Watson]
Sorry. I couldn't hold it in any longer. Dude! Chris! I mean... wow! This is so flipping awesome!
Although, I had no idea that Sarah was keeping you in the dark. She said to me that she was discussing everything with you, and that I shouldn't bother calling you guys at home, as she would just take care of everything at the office. Women. I tell ya. They sure can be crafty.
I can only imagine your conversation with Sarah last week after you opened the letter live on Male Bag. I f you have any thoughts or questions after having a chance to digest all the big news, let me know.
Also Andy, I'm not sure why you put my name up for voting last week. I didn't send an email, nor did I send that letter. It was just the official documentation from the county government.
Have a great week,
Jon Drouin
PS... Andy, do you have a fax number?
PPS...
Jon Huggins
part 2
Hey guys and gays, its the 3rd return of the other British guy. i took a lot for me to come back to this, but i felt some odd sense of duty to finish what i started 4 weeks ago, especially after I received the coveted slow clap and 3 votes. it felt good knowing that my suffering was giving people some enjoyment. i imagine this is what Great Khali feels most night, only with the suffering part, no one enjoys that poor fuck.
and so it begins again. after the mayonnaise intervention (which took up 7 minutes of this episode) the theme returns to haloween and ghost stories. honey booboo takes first turn and her story is the fart ghost."the fart ghost is a ghost that smells like a fart before is scares you" this just seems to be an excuse for honeybooboo to sit there and bark one out. the family don't seem to have a fucking clue about anything, and they all get scared and flee the room, screaming "the fart ghost is here, the fart ghost is here" i wonder if just calling something a ghost makes anything acceptable. I'll have to give it a try with my story of the roofy and rape ghost
in the next segment, the family takes a trip to Kackleberry farm, which just looks like a really shitty farm with lots of depressed inbred looking animals moping around. i'd look depressed too if i'd paid $10 to get in.
We notice that the Dad is in a wheelchair. looks like Momma June did climb aboard last night, poor bastard.
Momma June and two of the daughters are wearing long shorts for their day out. Cankleberry farm is born.
the star attraction of Cankleberry farm is the corn maze, the concept of which has both honeybooboo and momma june confused."whats a corn maze, momma?""well... um its when they grow like... corn and...um... they make in into like a corn maze?" momma june was also confused at the soda stand selling diet coke.
the family go into the maze and within 5 minutes are lost, hardly surprising when Honey booboo has been appointed as the navigator.
Momma June has broken the cardinal rule of family outings by not going for a piss before leaving the house and she seems to have the same amount of control over her bladder that she does over her appetite, and disappears into the corn to relieve herself. she comes ambling out in what likes like a deleted scene from Field of Dreams.
Momma June had previously warned the kids not to go walking off into the maze in case they turn into the children of the corn. Isn't that the film where the kids turn into murderous little bastards and start killing the adults because the corn harvest fails one year? and you've just pissed on it? PLEASE TURN INTO THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN!! although they already give me the heeby jeebies a lot more anything Stephen King has ever dreamt up.
the family spend what seems like an hour walking round the maze trying to find their way out, and honey booboo gets agitated and starts running around trying to find the exit "i think i smell the ending" nope, you've just made it back to momma june's outdoor bathroom. eventually she does find the exit."the only reason they got out of the corn maze is because of me. if they didn't have me, they'd still be in there" fucking bitch.
after the maze, honey booboo and the kids want to go play on the saddest looking bouncy castle ever, and honey booboo reckons that she's the best bouncer ever. if i saw her standing at the door to a bar, i wouldn't want to go in. she lets everyone that shes going to do a flip, but lands flat on her face. so she's a graduate of the Sin Cara school of flips then.
after the family leaves Cankleberry Farm, they go to a costume store to get more into the haloween spirit. Momma June, 33 (good continuity from the editors) does have some self awareness"i don't know they'll have a costume bid enough to fit me" would the WWE still have any of King Mabels outfits?
when they pull up to the store, daughter Jessica runs from the car into the store to use the bathroom. momma june proclaims "smells like y'all need to use the bathroom"
inside, honey booboo ask the clerk if they have any costumes made of bacon. the clerk apologises "i'm sorry we're fresh out of bacon" mommy june laughs, but i'm sure we can see a tear in her eye.
honeybooboo tells us her favourite part of dressing up"the best part of costumes is that i can pretend to be whoever i wanna be" i don't think this store has any 'orphaned at birth' costumes.
despite the family trying on what seems like every costume in the store, momma june lets us know her feelings "i think its nasty trying one everyone elses costumes" you are no judge of what is and isn't nasty. one of the girls shouts out "this costume smells like someones ass" camera pans round to see no costume is being worn. maybe the fart ghost had made another visit.
honeybooboo has found a firemans costume. Dad gets in a rare word, and he doesn't disappoint. "you got your flashlight and your axe, but you don't got a fire hose" he knows where theres a hose, not that it will put out many fires.
just as the family are leaving the store, we finally see a costume big enough to fit momma june
the next morning, honey booboo is talking to daughter Jessica, who has an eye patch on "its sad you can't come trick or treating Jessica" then we get a small piece about how her eye got hurt. the story goes that Jessica wanted to get something from the car, so Dad threw the keys at her, but Jessica could catch them and they hit her in the face. thats the story, but i think Dad was testing out his "fire hose" on Jessica before letting honey booboo play with it.
if we were in any doubt as to why this family of chuds are all so huge, the costumes that were picked out confirm that its something deep rooted
mommy june definitely picked out the hotdog costume for the baby. the 12lb cheeseball didn't appeal, even she needs some variety in her diet
mommy june has had a marilyn monroe outfit bought for her by Dad, to match her new blonde bombshell look. the dress doesn't really look like marilyn monroe, but more like she's going to a Kathy Bates convention. when she turns around, the back tits are bigger than Chynas.
the family are just on there way out, but the pause to gather around and sing what to the rest of the world is a song just for haloween, but i'm sure for these is a family mottotrick or treatsmell my feetgive me something good to eat
the hotdog baby is praying "let it be me, please let it be me"
honey booboo has chosen something that just looks like any 13 yr old goth kid. Hot Topic? more like wish-i-was-MyOpic.
phew, thats finally the end. its been an emotional journey, one that i'm glad to have shared with you all. i shall return, but just to talk about wrestling, and when the new season starts, the Saints inabilty to capatalise on Drew Brees' greatness and string together more than 2 wins in a row. peace out homies,
Jonathan Huggins
Austin Sanders
Scott Taylor sucks cocks.
Stu Little
Sponsored By Quaker Oats
Hey guys,
Well, what a week this has been. Harrison Ford's gonna be in Episode 7, that Chris Dorner thing happened, and The Pope up and quit. Whoever fills that job, we can all agree we can think of someone worse, right?
A couple of things from WWE this week:
Mark Henry continued his return to inducting people into the Hall of Pain, and proved that NO ONE was safe:
Speaking of racism, Jack Swagger got a new manager, and boy was I surpised to see Wilford Brimley playing the role of Zeb Coulter. What's the matter, Wilf? Do you think immigrants are to blame for diabeetus too? He should get Swagger to feud with Antonio Cesaro over the life threatening properties of Swiss Chocolate. Just imagine it.
JR: OH MY GAWD! CESARO JUST BROKE THAT TOBLERONE WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE OVER SWAGGER'S HEAD! SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH!
But I think as uncomfortable as this whole gimmick has made me, I can give Wilford a pass, cos we all know this current Bow and Arrow pop culture craze can be traced back to his iconic role in the seminal (calm down, Cam) Jean Claude Van Damme movie, Hard Target:
Also, he totally showed how he got GAME, son, in "Cocoon II: The Return".
You see Chris, Cocoon was a movie where old people got youthfull energy from swimming in a pool with alien cocoons in it, and hijinks ensued. This spawned a sequel...OBVIOUSLY! Who doesn't love the sound of that, well except for Brian Van Alstyne? The Hipster of the Flawedcast Network, rejecting all the popular works. With his glasses, and his...tie, and his ironic cookie monster shirt. "Consenting Adults? Too Mainstream.". Anyway, Cocoon II saw Wilford, the old guy from Batteries Not Included and one of the old guys from Trading Places school some young punks on the court:
Speaking of guys comically getting involved with Basketball, I have a Tag Team Titles Match with Bartow Florida and his partner. I hope I don't have to go it alone. I still haven't heard from my esteemed tag team partner, Papa Shango. I've gotten so desperate I visited the Haitain district of Glasgow to find help, and for a princely sum, I was able to purchase what I was assured is a Voodoo incantation for summoning him. Okay, here goes:
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa, can you find me in the night?
Papa, are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me, not be frightened?
Hey, wait a minute...let me google this...god dammit, this is a Barbara Streisand song from the movie Yentl(calm down, Fred)!
Guess I'm on my own. Not really a bad thing, as I couldn't care less about holding onto these things any longer, I'm just obligated to put up a good fight. Though Bartow could use a win, as he's facing me, he's facing Demko and he's lost the rights to the name of his podcast. There sure are a lot of people wanting to get into basketball coverage, aren't there? And I can see why. It's so easy. Want to know what happened in basketball this week? The black guys won. Done. But still, I totally get why your tag team partner is a gay dinosaur, Bartow. The shape of Florida is known for looking like crusty, fossilised cock(no offense Alan Capps. I loved your deleted scene from Cocoon). Speaking of gay dinosaurs...Crispin Bradley "The Hammer" Loftberg. Well. Look at you. You've made quite the impression with your porn and your critiquing gimmicks, but how about I critique yours. I think I have the right. I gave you half of your name. The other half came from Cliff.
No wonder you turned out the way you did. I don't mind the gay thing, or the dinosaur thing, or time travelling without a bow tie. But...where's the supposed Hip Hop love? You don't even have it as your theme music. That's a slap in face to a man like me. But more so to someone else. DJ Mixmaster Edge Busey, give me a fucking beat...
*beat*
YEAH!
UH!
SCOTT LAND!
2013!
MAYAN PROPHESY? MORE LIKE LYIN' GOSSIPY!
Everybody now, open the door,
Everybody now, get on the floor,
And everybody cap that dinosaur!
I hope you've got the card to be an organ donor,
This fight'll be shorter than your itsy Dino Boner,
You Park your ass in here, thinking your Jurassic,
But I come out with half a verse, already instant classic,
Got the edge now, so I'll peel you like an orange,
Because you-
*record needle scratch*
*Stu convulses as he's possessed by the spirit of Papa Shango*
(to be continued...)
Michael Hodge
Hey, Chrandy.
When's Thrasher-cast happening? I'm really looking forward to it.
Mr. Canada? More like Mr. Bland-ada. AmIrite?
I COULD Twitter Scott at 2Hot2K
The Number 2 the word hot the number 2 the letter k
I'm unlikely to. I don't care about TNA.
I went to high school with a Scott Taylor. I didn't like him either.
My Elimination Chamber picks:
The Rock
Team Feed Me Great White Thuganomics
Jericho
ADR
Miz
no contest in the Divas match (match never starts due to Chris Brown and Ben Roethlisberger showing up at the event. All women are quickly escorted from the building.)
Brodus & Tensai
That's it for me.
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey
Cam Gullett
PeePeeVee predictions!
Hey guys, it was really nice to see Austin Sanders' dad be a new addition
to Jack Sthwagger's act.
Now for my Elimination Chamber PeePeeVee predictions that are sure to be
wrong.
Tamina defeats Kaitlyn for the Divas title because: who cares
The new Natural Disasters will defeat The Rhodes Scholars because the
Scholars are no longer a real team.
The Miz loses to Cesaro, but then they wrestle again at Mania.
The Shield beats team never eats a pin due to either Sheamus or Ryback
fucking things up signaling a Wrestlemania match between both of the great
whites.
Jericho and Mark Henry are the final two in the EC match, and Ziggler
distracts Jericho to allow Henry to win. Jericho and Ziggler then wrestle
the opener at Mania.
ADR beats the Big Show because they want Henry to bludgeon him at Mania so
that Ziggler can cash in and have a title feud with Jericho afterwards.
Brock Lesnar comes out and fucks up Punk due to Heyman talking about how
much he loves Punk on Raw. Rock gets DQ'd because of it so Punk wins the
title. Triple H comes out and calls bullshit on that and restarts the
match, also challenges Brock to a match at Mania.
Some of this would be fun if it happened, but it won't because it would
actually be fun.
Cam Gullett
Michael Demko
Last minute crack at Scott Taylor...
I almost forgot that Scott Taylor was the I-C champ this week... so here
are some last minute insults for him:
I heard when Scott Taylor was a baby, his mom wanted to hire someone to
take care of him... but the Canandian mafia wanted too much.
Scott Taylor will never be the man his mother is.
Scott Taylor is SO boring, even his dreams have muzak.
You thought *I* was full of bad jokes? Have you listened to the TNA recap?
And this one's from my wife: "Scott Taylor's so ugly that Hello Kitty said
goodbye to him."
Jim Enright is so fat that every relationship he has is a long distance one.
Oops... sorry, that last one just slipped out.
Love,
Demko
p.s. - Just for the record, I have the utmost respect for Scotty and what
he does for MNF. I'm glad SOMEONE on that show gives me a chance to step
away for a piss break, am I right?
Papa Shango
Voodoo Time
Stuart Little, you dare to use the Dark Arts to summon the Underworld
Demons? You call upon Papa Shango to lay waste to your enemies. (puffs
cigar and blows smoke at a bowl)?
So be it. (spits chicken blood at same bowl and starts to mutter)
This curse is for the Confused Dinosaur from the Future
"Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust
Twist and bend the bones to bust
I scatter these bones, these bones full of my rage
Take them as an offering to bring thy enemy pain I see thy enemy before me
now I bind him, crush him, and knock him down
With these bones I now do crush
Grind thy enemies into dust
With the eternal fires out of control
With this curse I take thy soul
This is my will let it be done"
You will leave this time stream, forever more, never to return to this
rocky shore. In limbo you shall jump about. Forever forced to listen to
TROUT. Skeet Reese will make you scream and tap, while your tag team
partner, Bartow Florida, will only have middle eastern hirsute porn in
which to Fap. You are banished to another dimension, and you name will
never, ever, again be mentioned!
What is this? The fans can't believe that Papa Shango just invoked the
name of the Monday Night Flaw's Most Famous Fisherman Ever! How the hell
does he know that?!?
(Papa Shango reaches for a zipper on the top of his head and proceeds to
unzip! OMG SWERVE! It's James Ryan!!! He was wearing a Shango suit!!!)
IT WAS ME ASSHOLES! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!!!
That's right! The Golden Voice was masquerading as The Viceroy of Voodoo
all this time!!! I learned voodoo just to mess with your head, Chris Alt!
I took a class at the University of Phoenix online! This whole time it
was me cursing you! DubStep-Gate! That was me! All the world events that
you get melodramatic about! Those are all me!!! I also just cursed your
precious beloved chicken wings to now include bones!!! Time to eat like an
adult!!!
Thanks for the hot tag Stu! And now that I banished fossil back to the
future, we only have to worry about the young upstart Bartow!
But first, I can't write an email and not make fun of Austin Sander! I
found your girlfriend online and she informed me that you two will be
preforming some sort of dance very soon!
Good luck with that.
While I was at it, I did some digging around and found Demko's first day of
his dance class.
As for Bartow. I wanted to get you a gift. I couldn't find your name on
these novelty license plates, so I went with one that was close.
I guess that wasn't as bad as the other links, so I'll leave you with the
KO shot.
This email sure had a lot of dancing references...can you hear that
infectious beat? Turn it up...
I said good day, sir!
The Golden Voice and Voodoo Master, James Ryan
Johnny Bellfield
No seriously, what do you mean "Those People"?
Hey guys, good to be back sorry for not emailing these past few weeks but….
(choose your own adventure)
A) I was sick
B) I was out saving the World
C) I didn’t give a shit
D) I died….again.
…and then the doctor said take two in the morning. So I hope that clears
things up. In all honesty though I’ve been blowing my material on other
shows like Kate Uptons Boobs….THE Podcast (I think that’s how Chris
annoyingly says it). By the way, it was nice to know that Chris Alt’s
autistic Monkey howls are contagious. Cam has such a creepy laughs during
the Superbowl podcast. #LeonSandnig-
I’ve also been busy with making Nate a nice banner for his podcast, which
I’m sure you may have seen already. Although having that picture made me
want to make other things too.
qkme.me/3t0kjr
Let’s talk wrestling!
So if Punk doesn’t fight for the WWE championship he is rumored to face
Taker for no explanation. I say, Let Punk be the SES douche and accuse
Undertaker of being a drug addict AND a cook! Because if you look at Taker
now he looks like a certain someone from that show on AMC…
qkme.me/3t0kmn
Calm down Cole he said Heisenberg not Heidenreich. Oh wait, A sodomy joke?
You calm down too Cam.
Did you guys here the recent news about John Cena? Apparently his ex-wife
is coming forward saying she divorced John after finding out HE was the one
cheating for over a year and not her. Not just with anyone either, but with
a porn star! Kendra Lust to be exact. Total Mantacia face. What’s that? An
athlete cheating on his wife. Pffft get outta town. But if this is true,
this could have hilarious consequences. Vince would have three aneurisms
trying to fix that PR flub. And if Cena would play it off he would have
Edge and Lita levels of heat back with Matt Hardy in 2005. But who knows.
It may not be true. And he wouldn’t be the first guy in WWE to do this
anyway. There was a reason Dolph Ziggler always had the Brazzers tag on him
as a joke. But instead of just accepting porn, I say we embrace it! WWE and
Porn working together! Val Venis, Godfather and Chyna can come back. And we
can have a ‘Do not try this at home’ vignettes with both genres. I’m sure
it’d go something like this.
* *
*Bodies have been bruised.*
"How do you learn how to have sex on a 20 foot ladder?"
"As God as my witness!!! She may have been broken in half!!!"
"Jesse Jane might have been knocked up."
"I dislocated my index and middle finger…"
"I ruptured my dick… which fragmented into my… spinal column."
*Yes, this is entertainment but the hazards are real.*
"How she's even able to STAND?!?"
"Policemen, fire fighters , EMTs, pizza delivery men down."
*No matter who you are, whatever you do, PLEASE don't try this at home.*
And scene.
Racism in the WWE is not uncommon but THIS is getting a little out of hand.
Did ‘Make a Wish’ grant Austin Sanders’ wish to write for WWE for a week?
Matter of fact, this whole fucking network and IWC is losing it. First we
get angry racist Big Show. Then we get Jack Swagger and James Ryan (age 60)
to come out and spew their racist non-sense. And his last name is Coulter,
FUCKING Coulter! Nice move WWE writer that watches Fox News. And with all
of this hate going around what do you bastards do? You pull an Enright and
just eat it up asking for seconds. "Those People"? Shame on all of you!
Jesus, can you imagine if Jack Swagger went to a B A Star campaign in the
urban communities? Total PR nightmare. Okay, maybe not. I’m sure Swagger
wouldn’t be allowed to do speeches Swagger’s lisp makes BVA sound like
Morgan Freeman.
Anyway, looking forward to the ‘tea-bagger’ faction brewing in WWE. I don’t
know how it will work honestly. It’s not like there is an Obama like
character in the WWE to go after. I mean, can you guys possibly think of a
dark yet only half black charismatic individual that just won a big contest
and is now the big man on top? Someone who stopped the evil tyranny of a
former white individual that seemingly held his grasp on entitlement and
power for far too long? Not 8 years per say, more like 434 days. And now
every fat dork in the IWC is angry because the dark guy that showed up out
of nowhere and won clean is the champion now…who the fuck could play THAT
kind of role?
Oh
My
God…
It all makes sense. Andy. Chris. Vince McMahon is trying his damndest to
turn you into Republicans! All of us! Jack Swagger, Big Show, The Rock IWC
hate. It all makes sense! I mean, why else would these CHUDs here spread so
much malicious hate towards the Rock? It couldn’t possibly be because he
won a fake wrestling match with a FINISHER. Only a complete water breathing
asshole would bring in that logic considering these same cock chewing
mutants have no problem with other finishers including glorified punches,
knee lifts and fucking fireman carries. So this HAS to be the reason. Thank
God. For a second there, I thought you guys were just being a bunch of
whiney bitches. Phew. Glad to get that out of the way.
Lastly, thank you Andy for backing me up on saying AJ looks 12. Don’t get
me wrong, I’d let her sit on my face for an hour, but I wouldn’t fight over
it. Look guys, I know she is somewhat pretty but you guys need to stop
calling her a 10, unless you are mentioning her age. Calm down you know
who. Anyway I end this patriotic male bag week as a real American. With an
Army Sgt. Platoon like chant…well actually. It’s Cam’s version.
This is my rifle
This is my tongue
This is for fighting
This is for cum.
Good night Guys,
Johnny
P.S. Believe in the Shield. Or as Roman Reigns said it "
BEEEELEEEEVENNDASHIEEEEEYAAAAAAAAA" Yeah, Great Mic skills Andy. Fucko.