[Batman]

Thank you. My favorite characters to promo for are Foley and George. George promoting ABOUT Foley? Best of both worlds.

And I've been trying to figure out how to work in the line "basically, run..." right from the start....

[Batman]

BRUISER: Hey, Cyndi! I gotcha a BOO-kay!

CYNDI: Aw, where'dja get these, dishpan-face?! They're from Reese, ain't they?

BRUISER: Naw! Naw, Cyn, I got 'em for ya!

CYNDI: Then why's there a card that says "Condolences, Big Ron Reese"?

BRUISER: Waall, All right, they was origininally from Reesey to me, but then they were mine t'give! Mighty friendly of 'im, says me!

CYNDI: Y'big dope, they're sendin' ya flowers to scare ya. They mean it's gonna be yer FUNERAL!

BRUISER: Naaw, Reesey just wants t'let me know-- even though we's gots to fight-- they ain't no hard feelin's. He wants us to be frens!

CYNDI: Yer mental, Bruizah!

NEXT DAY:

STRIKER: So, are you still sending him flowers every day?

CORDDREY: Nah! We did it for a week-- we're done with that gag! I bet he's shaking in his boots, worrying about his "funeral"!

REESE: Hahaha!

BRUISER: Hey, Reesey! How come no BOO-kay today? Y'mad at me?!

EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE ROOM: ??? ??? ???

[Batman]

LOVE MACHINE: I hear you talking lately, Rob. But I don't hear you talking about ME! It looks like United States Death Machine isn't going to reply to your challenge. That's good. They would have just kicked your ass.

Do I mean that you two aren't great? The Whole BEEEPin' show and the Silent Samurai? NO! If you weren't great, I wouldn't waste my time on you, Rob. It wouldn't prove anything for me to beat you.... That's not why you would have gotten your asses kicked. You would have gotten your asses kicked because you're NOT FOCUSED!

You need to get focused, and get focused ON ME! Cause when I kick your ass... I mean, when we kick your ass and pin you in the middle of that ring, I want it to mean something. I want it to prove that I... that we are the greatest tag team around.

Cause if you don't get focused, you and your quiet pal are just gonna embarrass yourselves on Sunday!

Do you think Hakushi would agree with THAT?

[Batman]

Out of curiosity-- anybody recognize where I'm stealing the Cyndi / Bruiser gags from?

[Batman]

JACOBS: It's almost time.

It's almost time.

It's almost time!

It's almost TIME!

IT'S TIME!



JACOBS: TIME FOR BLOOD!

[Batman]

Man, we're STILL at the USO. Which isn't a USO, it turns out. It's a AFSC. Which is apparently the same thing. Anyhow, still time to kill. Anybody still need to promo? You know, that actually speaks English?

Gah, do we really need a remorseful, "I know I've made mistakes," (statutory) "but I'm proud that my fans have stood by me, and I promise I'll make you proud as World Champion" promo from LT? Nah, sounds boring. Take it as read.

[Batman]

I'm out!

[Batman]

BROCK LESNAR: Adam Pearce-- who is Adam Pearce anyway? Nobody? Whoever-- he says that "some things never change in professional wrestling-- there's strength in numbers...."

Me? I'm somebody. I say that some things never change in professional wrestling -- there's strength in solitude.

Nobody to watch your back? Nobody close to your back, likely waiting for the right moment to stick a knife in it...

Hogan. Mankind! Your shoulderblades itching yet? That's the trouble with armies....

Looking past my opponents at Sudden Death? Damn straight. That's not a title match, it's a coronation. I'm gonna let a few vicious hardcore brawlers maul me first just to make it sporting!

Two of the men in the cage tomorrow night will go on to face me for the Batman World Championship at Triple Trouble-- the MVP and the winning team's Captain. And I don't care if it's you, Hogan... or you, Mankind...

There are no allies when being World Champion is on the line!

[Batman]

LESNAR: What?!

What do you mean, "Mankind isn't the Captain of Team For Mankind"?! The team is named after him!

"El Canek"?! Who the BEEEEP is El Canek?!

ARE YOU DUCKING ME, FOLEY?!

[Batman]

LAWLER: You SAY that you're "all man," Georgie, but I'm a real man, and we all know that's not true....

I call you "Georgie," and I assume everybody gets the reference, but-- who knows? Maybe nursery rhymes aren't "PC" anymore...

Georgie Porgy, puddin' pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgy ran away!

Y'see, it doesn't matter how you try to "spin" it, Georgie. It doesn't matter what you and Jeffries do when the locker-room door is closed-- I don't wanna know! It makes no difference if your lovely wife is for real, or just a beard...

Either way, you're the sort of "man" that a real man like me would call... a sissy!

And it doesn't matter what you say... It doesn't matter how you twist my words... A sissy doesn't beat a real man-- it's not natural!

[Batman]

GEORGE: Hahaha! "Real men" like you have been telling this "sissy" the same thing for... ...a very long time! You say it yourself all the time-- "keep your words soft and sweet, you may have to eat them!"

Casting aspersions on another man's manhood is the last resort of the desperate. You know that tomorrow night I'll be taking something precious from you... Your self-abrogated conceit of calling yourself a "King"...

So enjoy your last evening as royalty, Jerry!

[Batman]

LAWLER: You're god-damn right I like to be called "the King"... and I damn well RATE it, too!

You're lookin' at the man who unified the World Class and AWA World Heavyweight championships, Jack! I was the REAL first Undisputed Champion, long before Chris Jericho!

You're looking at the King of Dallas, the King of Minneapolis, and I'm DAMN well the King of Memphis!

I'm the King of the World, baby!

And if you THINK you're taking that away from me? You've got another think coming!

But that silly piece of tin you like to wear on your phizz? I'm not interested in that.... My only interest is in taking it away from YOU-- 'cause I know you think it's a big deal-- melting it down, and making it into a proper crown!

[Batman]

LAWLER: Oh! Oh, I almost forgot! You, running scared from some FEMALE wrestler? That's downright disgraceful!

Even for a sissy!

[Batman]

GEORGE: Firstly, if you want to disrespect and disregard Mickie Knuckles because of her gender, it's your funeral...

As if you've never run scared from a female wrestler: "you ARE the father, Jerry!" are the words that haunt your nightmares....

Secondly, Lou Thesz was the first undisputed champion. And that's only because he never had the guts to face ME!

Finally-- this silly piece of tin?! I faced Mankind in Hell for this! I humbled a giant for this! Not some great, clumsy oaf-- the Big Show, the most skilled, athletic giant ever. And I stood up to, survived, and I overcame the punches of the greatest boxer of all time, Muhammad Ali!

Tomorrow night, Brock Lesnar will fight some football player for a belt with a bat on it. But THIS silly piece of tin is what truly proves who the best in the world is! ...who the greatest of all time is!

This piece of tin is MY LEGACY! And if you want it...?

...you'll have to kill me for it!

[Batman]

Mankind is sitting on the concrete floor of a boiler room backstage. He has his feet crossed and he's rocking back and forth. He has earbud headphones in his ears and he looks as if he may have been crying. He is mumbling or possibly half singing.

In short-- he's in the zone.

RUSSELL: Mankind. Mankind! Do you have any...

Mankind clearly has no awareness of Lance Russell's presence... Russell marshals his nerve and taps Mankind's shoulder. Mankind rips his earbuds out and whips around to face Russell...

MANKIND: WHAT.

RUSSELL: M... Mankind! Any... final comments...? ...ah...

MANKIND: FINAL... COMMENTS...? Final ... You should choose... your words... carefully ... when they may be... YOUR LAST!...

Russell cowers. Mankind looms. Gorgeous George rushes in from out of frame and hustles Russell and his cameraman out of the room...

GEORGE: Out! Out! MOVE!

"Final comments?"?! And you didn't specify whose?!

Feh!

[Batman]

Voices are heard from out of frame...

GREY: For the last time, I'm not a welsher, y'Welshman! I'll enter on cue. I'm a professional, blast you!

STREET: Awright, awright... Ack! We're on!

Ladies and gentlebeings of ALL genders and sexual and affectional orientations! May I present to you! The delectable! The irresistible! EARL! GREY! HOT!

Enter Grey. He is wearing Edwardian finery, a powdered wig, and heavy makeup.

STREET: Together, we shall rule the rather thin tag-team division around here!

GREY: Tag team! I never said... Look, Adrian. The terms of our bet were that I have to play the gimmick you choose for a month. And I intend to play it to the hilt, darling... because I am a professional! But I never agreed to team up! In fact, I'd rather...

LANE: You'd rather tie him up in strange positions and make him scream? But not in the good way?

Except one-on-one is a no-no! But it's OK if it's a three way!

[Batman]

RUSSELL: Earlier today, Batman World Champion, Brock Lesnar, had a few words about his senseless and brutal attack on Evan Bourne after Bourne's amazing, MVP performance in the main event of Sudden Death last night:

LESNAR:...But if he's a glutton for punishment, let him heal up and come challenge me! Don't worry-- I'll still be champ!

RUSSELL: Well, I'm here at our #1 Contender's hospital bed to find out his take! So, how about it kid? Will you be medically cleared in time for Triple Trouble?

BOURNE: No, Lance. It was a severe break, the doctors say I won't be at one hundred percent for months.

RUSSELL: That's all right, son. As soon as you're ready, you'll be the #1 contender!

BOURNE: I'm looking forward to it, Lance. But Lesnar also claims he's not scared to face two challengers at once. Let him prove it! Let me choose my replacement at Triple Trouble! Let him face...

...Hulk Hogan!!

[Batman]

BARR: Odd man out, huh? I know the feelin'.

KENDRICK: I hate not knowing if I'm even getting booked! I should be the main event, damn it!

BARR: Oh, I know! I feel the same! (Except about me, of course!) The other three guys I was in the semi-main event with? They get the semi-main event again! Rob Van Dam, Hakushi, Jannetty-- a Brass Ring Ladder match. Whoever wins goes on to the main event next month. And why exclude me? Cause the theme is threes? Why the hell is that, anyway? It's our second show! Cause I ate the pin? Maybe Jannetty should have played better defense!

KENDRICK: Yeah! So that brown-nose Bourne pinned me.... I pinned him first!

BARR: Exactly! Whatever. But if we want a spot on this show, we're gonna have to find our own-- something that fits their damn "triple" theme. I hear talk of the High Fliers going up against the masks-- how about you and me show 'em some real high flying?

[Batman]

MANKIND: Brock Lesnar. So much to address, and I've been told "keep it brief!"

Millions of voices have been raised in outrage over what you did to Bourne. I will NOT be adding my voice. What you did was necessary-- Bourne needs to understand the price he must pay to reach for his dreams! If you hadn't done it, I would have!

Ducking you... ME?! I gave my spot to El Canek. If I hadn't, I would be facing you and Hogan in the main event. And you think I did this out of FEAR? Look into my eyes Brock-- tell me what you see there...

I gave my spot to El Canek to correct a historic injustice. And now I'll probably be in a zebra shirt at the big show. Because my family-- my hardcore family-- is falling apart. New school versus old school versus... prehistoric school! And with me as the final arbiter!

It saddens me.... But it's the nature of this business--everything ends in conflict, eventually. Just as you and I will end in conflict...

But there's no rush. I'll be around.

[Batman]

SHARKEY: I've got two words for you, Robinson! You know what they are! Shut. Out.

The Minneapolis crowd starts chanting "Shut out! Shut out! Shut out!"

ROBINSON: I'll give y'credit. You're a crafty bastard and you find a way to win. The more chaotic the situation, the better.

But you haven't got what it takes to beat me.... Not one-on-one....

[Batman]

LAWLER: Damn it, George! You snookered me! You ROBBED me! You stole away my... ...my royalty!

LADD: Good evening, your EX-highness! I understand that you want to get your hands on the supposedly Gorgeous one! But keep in mind the theme of the show! If you want management to get behind this match, you need a third man. And who better than Ernie Ladd for that spot! You'd have three savvy veterans fighting for a crown!

TAYLOR: Three cheating bastards, you mean! To keep you in line, you'll need a ref who's tough and uncompromising, who won't let the wool get pulled over his eyes. Somebody like ME!

[Batman]

GEORGE: Mister Russell, there's been some kind of mistake! Like Brock Lesnar's PWA Cup, the Armageddon Crown is a trophy I received for winning a tournament. I put it on the line against Lawler as a special apuesta-type stipulation. That doesn't make it a defensible title!

RUSSELL: I'm sorry you're unhappy George, but we've decided to make the Armageddon Crown into Batman Wrestling's secondary championship...

GEORGE: SECONDARY?!!!

[Batman]

STRIKER: But, Mister Corddrey-- that would be criminal! Do you want to see Bruiser torn to pieces?!

CORDDREY: That, my dear Striker, would be lovely. My happiest moment will be when that palooka is utterly eradicated. This fight business is my hobby. Bruiser is a huge pain in my life. I'm willing to spend millions to eliminate that pain.

STRIKER: I'm through with you, Corddrey! You're a demon! You must have the heart of a beast!

CORDDREY: HAW! HAW! You seem to have me confused with my latest "fighter"... GONZALES! Go see if "the Animal" wants something to eat.
GIANT GONZALES goes through a door marked DANGER -- DO NOT ENTER! He comes back moments later, looking roughed up....

GONZALES: Yes, boss. I am sure he is hungry...

CORDDREY: Then give him more raw meat, fool!

[Batman]

CORDDREY corners BRUISER at a dingy bar & grill...

CORDDREY: Bruiser! I'll bet you're looking for some revenge on my man, Gonzales!

BRUISER: Revenge? We had a bit of a scrap, but I gots no hard feelin's! But if he ain't got all his licks in, I'll sign for another bout with 'im!

BARTENDER (to another patron, a funny little fat man...) : Here's your hamburger-- decorate the mahogany!

CORDDREY: Just sign the dotted line!

BRUISER: Okay, I suspose I kin trusk ya...

PATRON (while stuffing hamburger in his mouth whole...): Charge, please.

BARTENDER: HEY! No tabs! Give it back!

CORDDREY: HAW! HAW! HOO! HOO! Listen boys, anybody who signs without reading is a SAP! Bruiser will meet "the Animal"! He's half-gorilla! (I think...)

BRUISER: A gorilla...

BARTENDER: You ain't worried?

BRUISER: Yes, I am, on account of... (the whole bar laughs at this admission-- tough crowd, eh?!) ...I hates to hit a dumb aminal.

WHOLE BAR: ???

[Batman]

LAUPER: Mistah Corddrey, if y'force Bruizah t'keep da contract y'tricked 'im intah signin', then you're a BRUTE! No man livin' has a chance 'ginst a g'rilla!

CORDDREY: I know it! It will be great fun to watch the eradication of that cocky palooka!

LAUPER: You're lower than a snake, Corddrey! Put two strong men and a g'rilla in a room togetha and only the g'rilla will come out...

CORDDREY: Yes, I read that! In fact it's what gave me the idea! At first I thought I'd draft Ted the Wrestling Bear... but the draft rules were changed to prohibit him after an unfortunate mauling in Enhancement Championship Wrestling... But then I heard tell of a wrestler who legends say is half-man, half-gorilla! Walk this way, I'll show you my new fighter-- "the Animal"!

They go through the door marked "Danger!" into a room with a zoo cage. In deep shadow, chained to the wall of the cage, looking as ferocious as he can, it's... GEORGE STEELE!

CYNDI: OH! Poor Bruizah!