[Lucky]

Its time to finish up Round 1 of the Pirates and Porn and Who Done Her Brackets! Polls will go up on Wednesday, but here's a preview of the matchups you'll see. Again, I'm posting small pictures but I'm not searching out anything major until Wednesday. I'm using my energy on the wit. Feel free to post pictures or wait for Wednesday when I'll post a couple.


Pirates and Porn Bracket
(6) Elizabeth Hurley vs (11) Ashley Scott
Elizabeth Hurley is of course well know for... uh... being hot? And having that british guy cheat on her with an ugly hooker? Oh, she was in Austin Powers! I got nothing except she was insanely hot in that bad Brendan Frasor movie where she played the Devil. I'm actually surprised Scott even made this tourney. I voted her on after watching Walking Tall one night and then stumbling on some movie called In The Blue that had Jessica Alba in a bikini. And there Ashley was in a bikini too! Given that the only reason I even knew who she was was a bad comic show for girls I figured it was a wasted vote. Little did I know that she's on Jericho and maybe the combination of a Rock movie, a comic book show, and a current mystery show is enough to carry her past a powerhouse.


(3)Carla Gugino vs (14)Maria Sharapova
The young russian tennis beauty faces off against another lady who surprised me buy her standing. But the star of such shows and movies as Karen Sisco, Spy Kids, Sin City[/b] and most recently Entourage clearly has a following and has become a favorite in this tournament. More of one than the tennis star who burst on the scene years ago and... no, I can't make a "burst" joke. She's hot, she wears a short skirt, and she grunts. I love women's tennis.


(7)Christina Aguilera vs (10)Rebecca Gayheart
Its Xtina vs the Noxemma girl! That IS why we all voted for Rebecca, right? When I'm old and dying and my life is flashing before my eyes I expect Rebecca Gayheart splashing water on her face to be one of the images of puberty. So do those childhood memories have what it takes to beat the every changing Aguilera? A teen pop singer with real skills and a voice that kills. But who cares? This is about hot. Aguilera's been teeny bopper hot, dirty skank hot, clean adult hot, hip hop hot, and is now 20's jazz hot! So does she have enough looks in her bag to please everyone?


(2)Halle Berry vs (15)Janine LindemulderMichelle Pfeiffer
I've made an executive decision. Two 15 seeds with the exact same credentials randomly assigned to 2 different 2 seeds. And then I realize what I missed. So Janine is gone and headed over to lock up with Jessica Alba. In her place? Catwoman, duh. I should rename the damn bracket to something better fitting all of Batman and Superman's fuck buddies.



Who Done Her? Bracket
(4)Eliza Dushku vs (13)Kelly Preston[/b]
For a second I wasn't entirely sure who Preston was. I mean, Travolta's wife, right? Then I remember. She was the hot chick in every other movie in the '80's! I mean, Space Camp! And much to my surprise she's kept that hotness going in movies like Jerry McGuire and... well, ok a bunch of bad movies but she's still hot. Dushku is Buffy's famed Faith and star of many a crappy movie not a lot of people saw. But she too is hot. So neither woman will be playing off her IMDB page but what about their photo galleries? We'll see. Will one of 4 Buffy cast members advance or will that Scientology chick who flashed her breasts at us a lot when we were impressionable come out ahead?


(5)Britney Spears vs (12)Kristin Kreuk
Britney may have bottomed out but Marilyn Monroe isn't looking so hot right now either. At one time the teen pop star was the hottest being on the planet. Can Smallville's Lana Lang take advantange of Britney's lows to get buy? Kreuk is one of 4 stars of Smallville to make the tournament so she's clearly got a following. Is it enough of one? Will Britney have another breakdown or look scary in public again to sway votes?


(8)Thora Birch vs (9)Kristen Bell
This really is the round of ladies I barely recognize. Thora Birch is the big breasted star of movies such as Ghost World and American Beauty. Bell is the titlular character of CW's Veronica Mars, a show that makes young men all over the country feel very defensive about how much they love a chick teen drama from that channel. So who has the edge in this 8-9 matchup? Beats me. I know who Dev's voting for.


(16)Bridget Moynahan vs (1)Scarlett Johannson
In our final matchup we have two of my favorites and my heart breaking. We all know Scarlet Johannson, star for films like Lost in Translation, Ghost World, Match Point and The Prestige. Scarlett is everywhere and a major favorite with the last #1 seed of the tournament. Bridget on the other hand was only voted for by me. Star of movies such as The Sum of All Fears, Coyote Ugly, The Recruit, I Robot, and Lord of War. Bridget is even hot enough for Tom Brady to impregnate her. But she's got herself a nearly impossible looking task if she hopes to make it to the 2nd round of this battle.



Polls go up Wednesday! Make your arguments! If those are in picture form, so be it!

[Batman]

I almost went to see Dungeons & Dragons just because it had Thora in it.

Almost.

That is all.

[Batman]

[salmonjunkie]

I've never thought Thora Birch was hot. Stil don't

[Batman]

INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

On VIDEO: JANE BURNHAM lays in bed, wearing a tank top. She's sixteen, with dark, intense eyes.

JANE

I need a father Thai who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school.

(snorts)

What a lame-o. Somebody really should put him out of his misery.

Her mind wanders for a beat.

RICKY (O.C.)

Want me to kill him Thai for you?

Jane looks at us and sits up.

JANE

(deadpan)

Yeah, would you?

FADE TO BLACK.

[Lucky]

I'm with you, Thai. That's one I don't get at all. I'm at a loss to find hot pictures of her for the poll. Every one I find is just "wow... you're an out of proportion, big forehead having, pale chick ain't ya?"

Bell doesn't do much for me but at least I can recognize her as beautiful.

[DevSop]

I'm pretty sure Bell should be able to get past Birch, so I really want to work for votes for Kreuk, Name your prices.

[Chris Eco]

Maria Sharapova was my #1, for the record. I don't know what is so striking to you all about Gugino. I may actually be forced to post photo evidence for this one.

[Lucky]

I'm not sure what's so striking about Sharapova. At least not what's so striking that isn't equally striking about Dementieva, Hantuchova, Kirilenko, Vaidisova, Zvonareva, and just about 75% of the other women I see when I turn on ESPN2 for some women's tennis. Its like someone cloned Anna Kournikova, churned out 30 of them, injected them with talent, and then stunted their growth before puberty could finish its course.

And really, how does a world class tennis player not have an athletic body? Long legs? Sure. Shapely legs? Nope. Just nice long legs.

See, maybe that's the problem. Gugino? She's got those womanly curves.




I kinda exaggerate. Not about the curves thing. That's clear. But Sharapova's hot. There just gets to a point where its not special. There's a reason noone voted Kelly Kelly. We've seen it. There's a reason Jessica Simpson didn't make the cut. Its cliche.

[Chris Eco]

luckylopez said:

There's a reason Jessica Simpson didn't make the cut. Its cliche.

Plus the way she eats ice cream.

Anyway: Hurley, Sharapova, Aguilera, Berry, Dushku, Spears, BELL!!, Johannson.

[DevSop]

Eco, I'm willing to trade you a vote this round? Kreuk for Hurley...You vote Kreuk, I vote Hurley?