[DrMcAwesome]

OOWF Saturday Slam: Because Reasons – May 20, 2023
LIVE! from West Palm Beach, Florida, home of OOWF World Champion – Lexie Darling

• OOWF World Heavyweight Championship: Lexie Darling vs. Beverly Cambridge

• OOWF Intercontinental Championship: Jeff Mangyuniku (c) vs. Bridget O’Malley

• Nowhere Brawl and Grille World Tag-Team Championship Invitational Elimination bar fight: Banned From Everywhere vs. Shokan Dojo vs. The One-Notes vs. The Woodsmen

• Zed and Kylie Mignolio vs. The Battling Baristas

• Mac Flasher vs. Alexander Darling

• Jack Quinn* vs. Angie Delpetro
*pending medical clearance

Card subject to Firewoman pulling the show out of Florida … Because reasons

[Jack Quinn]

<Jack is sitting on the porch of the Shokan Dojo scrolling through his phone, looking increasingly confused>

J: Kali, babe, why are people saying I interfered in the main event last night?

K: <coming out and looking at Jack with comcern> because.....you did

J: <thinking> what are you talking about? I didn't touch Quick or either of the One Notes

K: <sitting next to Jack, now looking VERY concerned> ....Jackie.....what do you think the main event was last night?

J: it was PORK and Katie against the One Notes. We won, then.....I guess I must have celebrated too hard cause next thing I know I am out here.

K: Jack....the main event was Alex versus Lexie for the world title

<Jack does not seem to understand>

K: and right at the end, you just walked into the ring and stood there. It kind of helped Alexis win.

J: Alexis Darling is the World Champion?

K: yes

J: <thinking for a moment> goddamnit.....did I cost Alex the title?

K: I mean.....not directly, but he certainly would have good reason to be mad

J: <looking almost frantic> NO! No no no no no! <grabbing Kali by the shoulders> YOU HAVE TO FIX THIS! I AM DONE WITH THEM! I don't want anything to do with this! I can't.....HE will come back. Kali....<Jack's voice trails off and he looks at Kali with terror on his face>

I've got to go

K: Jackie I don't think.....where are you going?

J: I just....I just have to think....I can't be here. HE is here.

<Jack quickly leaves, Kali pulls out her phone>

K: Sid, I need you up here. As fast as you can. I'll explain when you get here......ok, thank you.

<Kali hangs up and sees PORK and Katie standing there with concerned looks on their faces. She sighs and starts to explain as we fade.>

[Fire-Babe]

Firewoman is sitting in her office leaning back in her chair, feet up, and arms behind her head, very calmly listening to Alexander Darling losing his shit over the outcome of the championship match. He's not yelling, necessarily, but he's at his sarcastic, bratty best.

AD: So you had NOTHING to do with "Scarecrow" playing every time I was about to win the match? That's bullshit--

GMtF: Why would I lie?

AD: Because you have absolutely no ability to tell the truth, ever.

GMtF: Mostly true. I don't care really what you think, I didn't do anything. I wasn't even sure you'd show up, so I had little to no time to even FIND the recording much less--

AD: Oh, well, I had no really choice, did I?

GMtF: Technically, you did, but I'm glad you made the right one. And it was a great match--

AD: You got what you wanted, Alexis Darling won.

GMtF: I didn't care who won, I wanted a good match and I got one. So thank--

AD: Save it.

GMtF:  Are you here to demand your rematch?

AD: NOT going to happen.

GMtF: I don't get it...you were always happy for Lexie to win, even if she beat you.

AD: It's none of your business.

GMtF: .... Huh...that's just what Moose said.

Alexander glowers and looks even more angry than he did before, if that is even possible. Firewoman is still relaxed and calm, although she may be getting to the end of her rope with that.

GMtF: Look, I don't know what's going on with Moose, or Jack, or whatever he's calling himself these days. I didn't play the music and I CERTAINLY didn't drag him to the ring.

AD: OH sure, right. He was practically catatonic.

GMtF: *batistalaugh* I can't believe you're buying his act. I thought you were smarter than...OH, I get it. You don't want a rematch with Lexie...you want--

AD: I do not. My contract says No Moosehead Jack Quinn.

GMtF: Good, because you're not getting him.

AD: NOW you read the contract.

GMtF: Even if it wasn't in there I'd resist booking it. It's been DONE. It's stale. And Jack wants no part of it either, so--

AD: Heh, figures...taking your brother's side....AGAIN.

GMtF: I am taking the side of what's best for business, and I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit saying that.... I don't know what's going on with you, and I really don't care. You lost. Get over it.

AD: Well...look at you... doing Eco's bidding once again...

Fire is on her feet and around the table...or was it over the table?...

GMtF: I will chalk that up to your disappointment over having to actually EARN something and ask you to get the FUCK out of my office.

AD: *smirking* Gladly....

Alexander leaves, still mad, but probably a bit pleased that he got a reaction. Fire glares as he leaves. She turns and looks at HDBv3.0 hanging on the wall, and then at the two bottles.

GMtF: LUCKY!!

Lucky comes in.

L: You okay?

GMtF: Fucking great. Where's my brother? I need to see him.

L: Well...he just left...no one knows.

GMtF: So....FIND HIM!!!

L: On it.

Lucky hurriedly rushes out. Fire holds the bridge of her nose as she attempts to do some deep breathing.

[Zed]

Jeff Mangyuniku walks into the gym at the ZeBevKy Compound and sees a bottle in his locker with a sticky note on the label. He walks over, removing the sticky note to reveal the bottle is a 25.4 oz. bottle of sparking grape juice.

JM: *reading the note* Don't drink it all in one place. Congrats, champ. - Zed.

Jeff takes a couple of glances around before sticking the note back on the bottle and preparing for his workout as we FADE.

[Fire-Babe]

The next day....

GMtF: LUCKY!!

Firewoman bellows from her office. Lucky comes in.

L: No, I haven't found him yet. I don't think it's even been 24 hours so--

GMtF: What the hell exactly do I pay you for?

L: You don't pay me, Lucas does, and it's to be your assistant, although I think we need to look into hiring you an ACTUAL administrative assistant so I can attend to these wild Moose chases you send me on.

GMtF: Wild goose.

L: I said what I said. Also you have two of your wrestlers to see you and no they don't have an appointment, but they say they can help find your brother.

GMtF: Oh? Great, show them in!!

Lucky goes to the door and ushers in....the Woodsmen!

GMtF: Seriously?

Lucky just grins and closes the door behind him as he leaves.

GMtF: He is so fired....Okay, look, I appreciate you wanting to help but--

Hunter: Ma'am... my partner and I want to be helpful during this difficult time you must be facing, and would like to donate our time and expertise to locating your lost loved one. For we are....

THE WOODSMEN!

Hunter strikes the pose as Dakota gives the appropriate fanfare on his kazoo.

GMtF: Okay, well, first, don't call me "ma'am." it's Fire... just Fire.

Dakota: Sure thing, Fire Just Fire--

GMtF: No --

Dakota: We are the best trackers in three counties. Why we found a missing child so fast, he didn't even know he was missing!

Hunter: I forgot about that one! There he was, just standing right there, three feet away from his parents.

Dakota: *shakes his head* Didn't even realize he was gone...parents, today....

GMtF: I... well, good for you both but I don't think your services will be needed...

Hunter: I understand. You're worried that when we find your loved one--

GMtF: That's a bit too strong of a phrase for it...

Hunter: -- that we will be expecting preferred treatment in gratitude. Well, I can assure you Fire Just Fire--

Dakota: We expect nothing in return... except seeing the joy in your face when we bring your loved one home, safe and sound.

GMtF: Guys, I don't think this is a safe thing for you to do and --

Hunter: NONSENSE!

Dakota: We LAUGH at the thought of danger. We are well versed in all survival techniques and obviously as wrestlers, any hand to hand combat we may need to free your loved one from his captors.

GMtF: ....captors?

Dakota: If it comes to that....

GMtF: Right...so, thanks but no--

Hunter: Don't thank us yet. Wait until you get to hug your loved one again.

GMtF: Again, no, that's not how we--

Hunter: Where was our MP last seen?

GMtF: .....

Hunter: Missing person.

GMtF: Oh well, I mean, I guess I last saw him in the ring Saturday night but--

Hunter/Dakota together: TO THE RING!

Dakota plays a hunting bugle tune on his kazoo. They pose again, and then rush out. Fire sits down at her desk and just shakes her head.

[Zed]

The feed abruptly cuts to Sean Franklin, standing in front of a poster for "Saturday Slam: Because Reasons."

SF: See this poster behind me? All these wonderful matches, because reasons? It's funny, right? You don't need to know the reason. Just know there are reasons. We're so witty and clever in OOWF! You know what I haven't heard a reason for? *Points* Why I'm NOWHERE on this poster! And not even like, oh, my face isn't on it. MY NAME IS NOT ON THIS POSTER BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE A MATCH.

And look, I get it, not everyone can be on every card every show. After all, it would be a shame if one of the geriatrics on this roster got tired having to work more than one match a month. Some of them apparently can't even handle a couple of matches before they go on a bullshit concussion protocol and run off into the woods to be chased by a couple of Boy Scouts carrying a kazoo around.

Well, in case it hasn't become abundantly clear yet, Sean Franklin did not come here to play games. I did not come here to be a comedy act. And I sure as shit did not come here, as one of the best athletes on this roster with the accolades and resume to back it up, to sit on the sidelines while a couple of Starbucks rejects, some drunken hillbillies and two people who couldn't even find their way to an America's Got Talent audition to get rejected step in that ring!

And you know what pisses me off most of all about this? The last time I got to fight one-on-one in the ring, my match against Zed was STOLEN from me by the crooked OOWF officiating that insists on ensuring the old guard stays on top. Zed said all the right things, *mocking voice* 'Oh, I'll get you a rematch, buddy, you deserve it.' Where's my rematch, Zed?! Because that mockery of a tag match last week doesn't count!

I don't know why I'm surprised. Zed's word is as phony as the rest of his career. A two-month World Championship reign, and we're supposed to worship the ground he walks on? He's a fraud. He's a joke. And the worst part is, he knows it. Everything is a joke to him, his own body of work included. Listen to him talk. All that self-deprecating humor? He hopes if you'll laugh with him, you won't laugh at him. 

So while the OOWF sideshow comedy routine goes down to Palm Beach, I'm going to be right here, in Asheville, training my ass off. When you come back, I better have my match, so we can stop laughing at Zed and every other cartoon character in OOWF and start getting serious about the future. 

FADE.

[Jack Quinn]

<we fade in to the Shoken Dojo where Dr. Sid and Kali are sitting. She shows him the video from Saturday night, and he reaction the next day. As Dr. Sid is watching, Kali pours them both some tea. The video stops and Sid sits for a moment staring off in space>

Sid: Do you have any idea where he might have gone?

Kali: I have no idea. I sent PORK and Katie to the cabin in case he showed up there. Sid, what is going on and how worried should I be?

Sid: <sipping his tea> I'll answer the second part first. You should be concerned.

Kali: So, what is it?

Sid: It seems to be a form of dissociative disorder.

Kali: Is that where they think they are someone else?

Sid: In a way........I have heard of this happening to actors sometimes. When they play a certain character for a long stretch of time, and they become identified AS that character, sometimes they forget where the character ends and the person begins.

Kali: So, when Jack says it's Moosehead Jack is doing something......he thinks Moose is a separate person?

Sid: In a sense. Wrestling is an interesting career, it's why I've been drawn to it all these years. In many ca, much like an actor or actress, the wrestlers are playing parts, characters if you will, and often, the closer the character is to the person, the more difficult it can become to separate the two. With Jack, and also his sister, it goes a lot deeper than that though.

K: How so?

Sid: As you know, when their brother died, the family unit fell apart. That story is well told. But as the family fell apart and Jack and Lisa had to rely on themselves, they used Moose and Fire to face their daily challenges. It became something they could put on, a safety blanket of sorts. They learned to cope with the world through the eyes of Moosehead Jack and Firewoman. It's honesty no surprise that they were drawn to wrestling where those personas would fit right in.

K: But why now? Why is this an issue now?

Sid: THAT is the million dollar question. If I had to venture a guess, while he was off, Jack really decided he wanted to change, which was easy to do when only faced with the day to day challenges of......pedestrian.....life. But now that he is back, it is a constant reminder of what he was, what he has done, and the people that he has done it to. He cannot reconcile that he and Moose are one in the same. That person committing those acts of violence IS Jack Quinn. It overwhelms the system, which is why he shut down.

K: But he wants nothing to do with the Darlings, why would he be in the ring?

Sid: They are the source of the hate. Jack warred with the Darlings for a decade, even though he wants it done and over with, so long as the Darlings refuse to forgive him, Jack will never be at peace

K: <looking horrified> Alexander Darling holds the key to Jack's happiness

Sid: I am afraid so.

K: Why has it been so much easier for Fire?

Sid: What do you mean?

K: I mean, she has a family, she took the job as GM, she seems to have dealt with her past pretty well

Sid: <chuckling> Oh no. Fire has not yet scratched the surface. I hope one day she gets that breakthrough she needs.

K: So, what do we do?

Sid: Well......when we find him, I can talk to him, see where he is mentally.....

K: I am sure the concussions are not helping

Sid: They are most assuredly not. It may be time to consider a new line of work

K: Do you really think I could convince him of that?

Sid: No. Not a chance in hell.

K: So, what do we do?

Sid: <sighing> This is all he knows. While I would NEVER recommend this to anyone else on earth, I think it is important that he stays here and confronts his demons. If Jack truly wants to find the peace and redemption he desires, it has to be done in a way he knows, and THIS <gesturing all around> is somehow the normal for he and his sister. They have existed in a madhouse for so long, I don't know if they would be able to function elsewhere.

<Kalie looks concerned as she checks her phone again for any messages, and we fade>

[Jack Quinn]

<we cut to MidWeeek Mayhem, live from the OOWF Arena. The ring is empty when suddenly royal fanfare plays and a group of men carrying a large throne come through the curtain. The throne is covered, so we cannot see who is underneath. Leading the procession is two men dressed in suits, wearing sunglasses, each carrying a briefcase behind them is a smallish bald man wearing glasses, carrying a very ornate box. The procession gets to the ring, the throne is lifted over the ropes and gently set in the middle of the ring. The drones leave while the small man places the ornate box on a pedestal. The music stops and the man dramatically turns around, grabs the cover and dramatically pulls it off revealing......>

Russ: What the hell is Pete Quick doing?
Razz: Well........he is sitting on a throne.....
Russ: This is not in our notes, what the HELL is he doing?
Razz: Well, one of his minions just handed him a mic, so, let's see.......

<Quick puts the mic to his lips and is about to speak when the boos increase dramatically. He pauses for a moment until they die down, then he speaks>

Q: What you are looking at before you, is royalty. And no, I am not talking about the stable that once existed in this company. What I am talking about is TRUE royalty. I am the first man to hold gold for this company once we officially relaunched when I DESTROYED that corn fed hillbilly Katie Bardoor and took THIS the OOWF DDT Iron Person Heavy Metal Title. At that moment, I became the KING of the OOWF. And now........minion.......crown me!

<the smallish man opens the box and dramatically pulls out a "jewel encrusted" crown and reverently puts it on Quick's head. He takes a knee, and we hear him say....>

SM: All Hail King Quick!

<the crowd boos and Quick dismisses the man with a wave of his hands. King Quick revels in the boos that rain down on him>

KQ: Now, the first order of business. Someone as important as I am clearly needs protection, so allow me to introduce the Royal Guard, Nigel and Liam, the two men who will very soon bring more gold to my Kingdom.

<the crowd boos the hell out of this>

KQ: Boo all you want. You are in the presence of greatness, this will be a day you inbred morons tell your grandkids.

<booing intensifies>

KQ: Now, my first order of business as King of this godforsaken dump is very simple. I will eradicate the scourge that is Jack Quinn. You see, Jack Quinn represents everything wrong with this business. Jack is nothing more than a garbage wrestler. Plain and simple. He earned his <dickfingers>fame</dickfingers> by causing mayhem and chaos, which, has no place in my civilized kingdom. And make no mistake about it Jackie this IS MY Kingdom, and there is no place for aging has beens like you here.

<more booing>

KQ: So, here's the deal. Gentlemen <Nigel and Liam both open the briefcases, both are full of money> I made a few calls and Jack, you are NOT a very popular man. In fact, there are a WHOLE lot of people that REALLY want to see you hurt. Hell, there are a few who may even want you a bit more than hurt if you catch my drift. So, These......acquaintences........and I decided to make things interesting. There is a million dollars in each suitcase. Two million dollars in total, look now all you low rent Asheville hillbillies, you will NEVER see that much money in your life again.......I........WE.......want Jack gone. If you end his career, you get a million dollars. If you end his career AFTER getting him to bring back Moosehead Jack, you get the full two million. This offer is open to each and every wrestler alive on this planet today.

<the crowd boos the hell out of this>

KQ: Now......since I am a benevolent ruler, Jack, I am giving you an out. Walk away. Retire. Sign over the rights to Moosehead Jack, and all the money is yours. Jack, this is an easy decision and you know it. Just take a moment and think about all the people you've hurt. All the careers you've taken, all the lives you are responsible for ruining. Think about all those people think about how much the world HATES you. Think about how many in this business HATE you, and everything you represent. You are the cancer of our business. You are a slap in the face to our business Jack. There is no redemption for the devil. I.....

<King Quick is interrupted when War Pigs starts to play and Katie and PORK make their way to the ring>

KQ: Well, well, well. I didn't expect someone to cash in so fast. Let me guess, you two want to rid yourselves of the carcass of Jack Quinn. Well....... I suppose

<Katie lunges for Quick, but Nigel and Liam are quickly all over them. They beat Katie and PORK to the mat, but Katie and PORK fight back and look to get the upper hand when King Quick tosses a baton to Nigel, he turns around and SLAMS PORK in the face, then turns and whacks Katie across the back of the knee dropping her to the mat! Liam grabs her and PLANTS her with a powerbomb, while the larger Nigel pulls PORK to his feet and DRIVES him to the mat with an F5! Quick remains on his throne as Nigel and Liam grab chairs and WAIL on Katie and PORK before finally stopping and taking their places on either side of Quick>

KQ: It's the beginning of the end for Shokan Dojo. Your leader is off wandering in the wilderness, afraid of his own shadow, and now, the two of you are left lying. Broken and beaten.

<King Quick gets to his feet and slowly walks over to Katie and PORK>

KQ: Show your fealty to your King. Kiss my feet.

<Katie and PORK both refuse, so Nigel and Liam hammer them again with chairs, then grab them and press their lips to Quick's boots>

KQ: All Hail King Quick

<the royal fanfare plays again as King Quick and the Royal Guard leave the ring and head to the back as trainers come in to check on Katie and PORK>

[Fire-Babe]

Firewoman is PACKING~! some items from her office, and giving Shizuru some last minute advice.

FW: ...and for gods' sakes don't let Pete Quick intimidate you. He's not nearly as cool or as tough as he thinks he is, and be sure that he doesn't do anything physical. If he does, you void that medical thingy--

SM-C: No-contact order?

FW: -- and get the title off of him, even if you have to do it yourself. Okay, I think that's it, Lucky will be there to help you.

SM-C: Are you sure you don't want to go?

FW: Very. Fuck that state. I have to review these rules from the boxing commission to see if any of that is ever possibly going to apply to us and kind of be ready when it does. Between that I'm going to teach my son how to wade in a creek and catch tadpoles, and then get with my husband to work on that little sister. It should be the perfect week--

SM-C: Uh....TMI, Fire....

FW: Oh, right.

SM-C: *pointing to the wine and whiskey bottles* You taking those?

Fire looks at them as if she's running through scenarios in her head.

FW: No, it's not time.

SM-C: Why do you even have those?

FW: Sit down, Shiz...

They both sit down.

FW: They are reminders ... of where I've come from, where I've been, where I am now... What all do you know about my family.

SM-C: More than anyone really should.

FW: Truth. Anyway....addiction. It's the scourge of our family. Dad was an alcoholic, Moose probably is too. Mother-of-the-Year was a meth head. The adrenaline of wrestling is a powerful drug, as you well know, and while my shrink can pontificate all he wants about multiple personalities and make believe, until he gets this, he will never understand.

SM-C: Couldn't it be both?

FW: *ignoring him* Although it IS nice to see that he thinks the years of therapy has done me no good. I guess he's gotten house payments out of it though, so... anyway, whiskey reminds me of Sean...wine reminds me of... you know, it's pointless right now... It just reminds me of what our whole family has to deal with and how I don't want it to ever touch my son. Get it?

SM-C: Yes, and ... no?

FW: Well, good news, you don't have to.

Fire stands up abruptly and grabs her bag.

FW: Okay, you'll do great. Don't worry, Lucky will back you in whatever way you need it, and be sure to not let anyone pull a fast one. Remember...YOU are the boss, not them.

SM-C: Got it.

Fire passes him to go out to the hallway, and comes to the sliding doors.

FW: Dammit...SHIZ, can you get this for me?

Confused, he comes toward her and when he gets close enough, the doors slide open.

FW: I have got to get those replaced....

[Jack Quinn]

<We see a man coming out of the woods above Asheville. The man looks like your typical hiker coming through the Appalachian Trail, wearing a backpack, hoodie and dark glasses. As the man stands there, he is approached by two men arguing>

Dakota: Good Hunter! It appears we have lost our way!

Hunter: It must be this rain! It is obstructing our view of the north star and hampering our navigation!

Dakota: TO NAVIGATION!

The two strike a pose, complete with kazoo>

Dakota: Say Hunter! I have had a thought!

Hunter: This would be a WONDERFUL time for a thought! Perhaps it will alleviate our problem of being lost!

Dakota: Perhaps we could ask this gentleman who has just appeared from the wilderness!

Hunter: My instincts tell me not to approach a stranger.......but without directions, I am afraid starvation could be imminent!

Dakota: <coming up to the backpacker> GOOD SIR! May I momentarily hinder your progress? We are in search of directions!

Backpacker: Sure. Where ya headed?

Hunter: This person seems to be harmless! Good sir, we are looking for the OOWF Arena! Have you perhaps heard of it?

Backpacker: <chuckling> Yeah, it rings a bell <pointing down the hill> See that big building down there, that's it

Hunter: <pulling out his telescope and looking> BY JOVE! Dakota, this Man of the Woods has solved our dilemma!

Dakota: Good Sir! How can we repay you?

Backpacker: Well, I mean, I could use a ride to town <looking around> where is your car?

Dakota: We are WOODSMEN! We only travel by canoe!

Backpacker: <looking around again> Ummmm, guys......we're on the top of the mountain......

Hunter: Which made our means of travel exceptionally inefficient!

Dakota: It appears we will have to follow this path to our destination <reaching down and touching the road> What manner of mineral is this?

Backpacker: It's a road. That is asphalt

Hunter: <writing in his journal> ass-fault.......Dakota! It is recorded in our Journey Journal!

Dakota: Well done Hunter! Your documentation of our progress will please Fire Just Fire!

Backpacker: What are you two doing out here?

Hunter: We are looking for a missing person!

Backpacker: Any luck?

Dakota: We have traversed the hills and valleys and we have had no luck!

<the trio start walking>

Hunter: Say friend, we never got your name!

Backpacker: Jack

Dakota: We are looking for a Jack!

Backpacker: You don't say?

Hunter: <eyeing the backpacker carefully> Hmm, you do not seem to fit the description of the person we are searching for!

<they continue walking>

Backpacker: So, what do you guys do?

Hunter: We are adventurers! And we are also professional wrestlers!

Dakota: We are THE WOODSMEN! <strike a pose, kazoos>

Backpacker: Oh yeah? That sounds like fun. Think you guys could train me?

Dakota: <looking the backpacker over> You appear to be quite the physical specimen!

Hunter: It appears that your time in the woods has made you quite strong!

Backpacker: Some say I'm strong as a moose

Dakota: A BULL MOOSE!

Hunter: TO TEDDY!

Both: TO TEDDY!

Backpacker: So, maybe I could be one of the Woodsmen?

Dakota: Say! That sounds like a FINE idea! Woodsman Jack!

Hunter: Dakota, I have had one of those thoughts!

Dakota: BULLY for thoughts!

Hunter: Perhaps delivering this man to Fire Just Fire would be a suitable replacement for the man we did not find!

Dakota: Fire Just Fire is a very reasonable person! I am sure she will be DELIGHTED with that idea!

<the trio continue walking and we fade to commercials for Bing Bong's Greenery, now with a new location in Cherokee, North Carolina, when we come back we see Hunter and Dakota in Fire's office. Fire is sitting at her desk holding her nose>

FW: What. Do. You. Mean. You. Couldn't. Find. Him.

Dakota: Well.......we searched the hills and the valleys.....

FW: YES! You've already TOLD me that!

Hunter: We were not able to locate him, but we HAVE found a suitable replacement!

FW: <quickly looking up and staring daggers at Hunter> .......a suitable replacement? You have one second to start making sense......

Dakota: Good Sir! Please come in here POST HASTE!

<Jack casually walks into the room>

FW: JACK!

Dakota: I say! That is quite remarkable! How did you know his name?

FW: THIS IS THE MAN YOU WERE LOOKING FOR!

Hunter: WHAT GOOD FORTUNE!

Dakota: Good job Hunter!

Hunter: Well done Dakota!

Dakota: No job is too big for.......

Both: THE WOODSMEN! <strike a pose, kazoo>

FW: OUT! NOW!

<the Woodsmen scurry out leaving Jack and Fire alone, Fire turns her rage to Jack>

FW: WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?

J: Out

FW: NO SHIT!

<Jack walks around the room again, pausing to look at HDB4 in the glass case, once again lingering a little too long>

J: I needed a minute

FW: So help me god Jack, if you EVER pull that shit again......

<Jack walks toward the liquor cabinet, pausing to look at the two bottles and smirking slightly, then pouring himself a drink>

J: I saw your promo

FW: I......what? I am in the middle of yelling at you

J: Yeah. No need for that.

FW: YOU WERE GONE

J: And now I'm back. <turning toward Fire> it's not a competition

FW: What are you talking about?

J: It's not a competition. Us changing who we are. It's not a competition.

FW: I honestly don't care

J: Yes. You do. Otherwise you wouldn't have those <pointing to the bottles> and you wouldn't have been so irritated with what Sid said

FW: I was NOT irritated

J: Ok. Just consider this Fire. How many times have you been honest with Sid, and how many times have you given him the answer you thought he wanted because you always have to be three steps ahead of everyone? You don't have to answer me, just think about it. Also, I do have a favor to ask.

FW: <looking slightly annoyed> What?

J: <draining his drink> I am going to go to medical tomorrow. I feel much better, so hopefully I will be cleared. If so, I want a match against Quick on the June 3 show.

FW: <softening some> I'll see what I can do. Let me know what the doc says.

<Jack hugs Fire,, which momentarily annoys her, then she relaxes for just a second when Lucky comes in>

LL: Fire, I have checked everywhere and I simply cannot find any.....<noticing Jack> Oh. You're here.

J: Indeed I am. Good to see you Lucky.

<Jack slaps Lucky on the back and heads out the door, leaving Fire and Lucky looking at one another in confusion>

[Sportsguy]

We fade in and see Lindsay McAllister along with a visiting Matt Folz leaving the Spin Hanson Memorial Training Center.

Lindsay: Not bad for a retiree. You could easily come back.

Matt laughs.

Matt: Just a workout my dear sister in law. Just a workout. Trying to stay at least in some semblence of shape so I can see my son graduate high school. I have MAYBE one more match in me, but that's a conversation for another day.

Lindsay: Alright, alright... I'll drop it.

Matt: I'm going back to the hotel to take a quick shower, Jaime and I will meet you and Jennifer in an hour for dinner.

Lindsay: Sounds like a plan.

Matt and Lindsay fist bump and then go their seperate ways. The camera stays on Matt as he exits the training center just as OOWF World Heavyweight Champion Alexis Darling is entering. They pass by each other silently. Matt hesitates, takes a deep breath and says "fuck it" as he turns back around.

Matt: Hey!

Alexis turns and looks at Matt, not entirely sure what to expect.

Alexis: Can I help you Matt?

Matt: Let me preface this by saying I don't like you. I never have liked you and I definitely never will. About the nicest thing I can say about you is that I hate you just slightly less than your brother. And if you dragged Lindsay back into this life only to end up hurting her again, I don't give a shit if I'm retired or not, you will pay.

Alexis (Rolling eyes): Yeah yeah... always great to see you Matt.

Alexis starts to walk away when Matt grabs her by the shoulder and stops her. Alexis turns back around.

Alexis: Excuse me??

Matt: I wasn't fucking finished.

Alexis: What now?

Matt: I assume Lindsay did this after your match, but I haven't seen anyone else in the company do this and whether I like you or not I think that's unfair to you. (Matt extends his hand) Congratulations.

Alexis looks at Matt suspiciously.

Matt: No tricks. Congratulations Champ.

Alexis shakes Matt's hand.

Alexis: Thanks.

Matt: Whether I like you or not... that Championship means you're the best wrestler in the best wrestling company in the history of this sport. You now- hopefully temporarily- can claim the moniker of Best Wrestler in the World. Even you deserve to hear at least one person congratulate you on that.

Alexis: Thank you.

Matt nods silently and walks away as we...... FADE

[DrMcAwesome]

*the scene and INVISIBLE NINJA CAMERA find JEFF MANGYUNIKU sitting inside a courtroom alongside BEVERLY CAMBRIDGE*

BEVERLY: You know, most people wouldn’t have taken things to the lengths that you’ve taken to get us …” *BEVERLY gestures wildly* “…Here!”

JEFF: “I did what I needed to do, Beverly.”

*A BAILIFF enters the courtroom*

BAILIFF: “All rise! OOWF Civil Court is now in session. The honorable John Law presiding.”

*JUDGE JOHN LAW enters the courtroom and walks to his bench as everyone in the courtroom rises*

JOHN: “You may be seated.”

*everyone sits down*

JL *shuffling through documents*: “So it is my understanding that this case was brought forward by a Mr. Jeffrey Mangyuniku concerning the OOWF Intercontinental Championship. Mr. Mangyuniku, why are you here today.”

JM: “Your honor. The title in question was won without honor. I was unaware of interference by the manager of Nuke, Annie, that rendered my opponent unable to sufficiently defend herself. Had I known that Miss O’Malley was struck with a chair seconds after Nuke had kicked me in the face, I would not have continued with my attacks to Miss O’Malley, nor would I have continued to try and win the match on May 6, 2023.”

JL: “I see. And your counsel agrees with your sentiments?”

BC: “Respectfully, no, your honor, but as his mentor I have assured him that I will support him through all paths that his career takes him through.”

JL: “Mr. Mangyuniku, you are aware that you are scheduled to defend this title that you want to give back to OOWF on Saturday against the same opponent that you defeated for it, correct?”

JM: “I am aware, your honor.”

JL: “And you are aware that breeching a contractual obligation as champion in OOWF will lead to an immediate suspension and potential termination of your contract with the company.”

JM: “Your honor, that is why I am here. I cannot honor obligations linked to a championship that I won without honor. I am here today hoping that you vacate the championship, strike my name from the champions’ list and then rule that Saturday’s rematch will be a proper final for the OOWF Intercontinental Championship. I have no further statements.”

JL: “Mr. Mangyuniku, before I offer my ruling, I just want to say that I understand where your heart lies, but the method of which you obtained this championship does not make you less honorable in the eyes of many. In fact, when the court reached out to Bridget O’Malley for her comments, she replied with, ‘Wait. OOWF has a civil court? Since when?’ and then she added, ‘It’s Jeff’s title until I take it from him on Saturday.’ At no point did she protest the means of which you obtained the championship.”

JM: “Your honor, with all due respect, Bridget has been known to partake in some plant-based recreation provided by an elephant. Her mind may not have been her own when she was reached.”

JL: “It was considered when we received her comments. Nevertheless, it is clear that holding this championship after winning in the manner of which you did is weighing heavily on you. Having worked alongside your brother, Shizuru-Mune, in the short time that I was a contracted wrestler in OOWF, I am very aware of the honor that both of you carry with the Manbeef name. It is with that in mind, that I am willing to rule that …”

*FIREWOMAN barges into the courtroom and rushes toward the stand*

FIREWOMAN: “John, so help me that if you rule that the title is vacated, I will vacate you from this courtroom that was a maintenance closet until this morning and ensure that you never work in wrestling again. What Jeff is protesting is an occurrence that happens at least a dozen times in any wrestler’s career. He benefitted by winning a championship. It’s pro wrestling, this is what happens. Any ruling outside of Jeff keeping this title will be fought by my lawyers in courts that have a bit more credibility than a judge using the table where until today, we kept the Fabuloso wipes. In fact, are you even authorized to reverse decisions rendered by officials? I’m not sure that I remember granting you that power.”

*FIREWOMAN glares at JOHN, who has not moved his gavel from the position of three inches in the air*

JL: “… As I was saying, I am willing to rule that Jeff Mangyuniku is very much the OOWF Intercontinental Champion in a decision made solely by the judge of this court and not an executive of the company who barged into the courtroom when I was clearly going to say the same thing.”

*JOHN bangs his gavel on the table*

F: “Good. This sparkles with me, and in time will sparkle with Jeff.”

*FIREWOMAN exits the courtroom while the BAILIFF presents a dejected and reluctant JEFF with the OOWF Intercontinental Championship with BEVERLY consoling him as the scene fades*

[Fire-Babe]

Fire walks in to Stank sitting on the sofa reading to Patrick.

FW: I wonder if there’s a reason why someone is up past his bed time?

S: I wasn’t sleepy yet.

FW: Hilarious.

P: Mama!

Patrick climbs down off Stank’s lap and toddles over to Fire, who kneels down to pick him up, beaming.

FW: What are you still doing up, little man?

P: Read me story!

FW: I think your dad has that covered. C’mon, I’ll tuck you in.

Fire takes Patrick to his room. Stank folds up the blanket and puts in in the basket, with the book on top. He goes to the kitchen and pours two glasses of wine for them. He holds his while looking in the fire in the fireplace, smiling as he reflects on his life right now, as the sounds of the ghost bluegrass band playing the lullabye come in from the nursery. Fire comes back out and he hands her the glass.

S: That was fast.

FW: He didn’t even last through two lines of the song. Good story telling, pops.

S: So are you NOW on vacation?

FW: I don’t know…*sitting down on the sofa, curling a leg under her* … we may need to do a funeral.

S: Oh, for who?

FW: Jack Quinn.

Firewoman takes a sip of her wine as Stank nearly spits his out.

S: What???? When???

FW: Couple of days ago, I guess.

S: So… you found… you found your brother.

FW: I didn’t…..

S: You know when he went off by himself, I was worried, but I put it out of my mind. That seems so unlike him, but then as you’ve pointed out he hadn’t been himself. I just never thought…. So… Lucky found him.

FW: No, not Lucky. Two newbies call themselves the Woodsmen. I thought it was just part of their shtick but they found him. Of course, they didn’t recognize him.

S: Eww…..that bad, huh…. I’m so sorry, Lis…. Still, I’m glad you didn’t see him that way.

FW: Huh?

S: So they brought him home. Well, of course, whatever we need to do to set up the funeral, you can count on me. I imagine we’ll have the wake here and –

FW: Pfft, I’m not organizing it.

S: But….Fire….you’re family.

FW: We weren’t that close.

S: Not… Fire, he’s all the family you have.

FW: Don’t be ridiculous.

S: I just saw him hug you last week!

FW: We’ve barely spoken for years.

S: It’s like you’re not even sad… I know you’re not the type to shed tears and wail to the winds, but… I mean…. He was your--

FW: What are you even talking about?

S: What are YOU talking about?

FW: ….

S: *deep breath* Fire…I realize this is one of those conversations that only can happen with you… but … where is Moose.

FW: Dead, as far as I know.

S: Well, that’s just a tragedy.

FW: *shrugs* Jack’s taken over totally now I guess.

S: He was so young…

FW: I dunno…he was 95…

S: wait… what….Fire…. Is your brother dead?

FW: What? NO! We just found him.

S: …..

FW: *sigh* The Woodsmen found him wandering in the woods around the arena. They didn’t know who it was and wanted him to be in their stable, but he eventually remembered who he was and—

S: FIRE! So Jack Quinn is—

FW: Jack Quinn is dead.

S: But you just said—

FW: My uncle Jack Patrick Quinn died. I think Moose and Patrick were named after him. Anyway, I just happened to see it. I have a news alert set for Rose and Sean’s names and I guess it picked it up.

S: ….

FW: Anyway, I haven’t seen him since I was a kid, but he was always very nice. Tried to teach me how to play poker.

S: ….

Stank sits down and puts his head between his legs.

FW: The service is on Monday, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to make it. I dunno, maybe send a card and … Lucas…. What’s wrong with you?

S: Nothing Fire… just…. Nothing…

FADE

[DrMcAwesome]

OOWF Saturday Slam: Because Reasons – May 20, 2023
LIVE! from West Palm Beach, Florida

• Mac Flasher vs. Alexander Darling
This match gets the cold-open treatment as OOWF official Angelo Barros signals for the bell with Mac and Alexander circling each other before locking up to no advantage for either competitor through multiple attempts. On the fourth try, Alexander reaches up to pull Mac’s hair, but is caught by Barros. Mac seizes the opening to sneak in a roll-up try while Alexander was motioning to feed the ducks during Barros’ admonishment. That got 1 before Alexander rolled out and immediately put the boots to Mac, drilling him with a running knee to finish the flurry. A cover gets 1, though Alexander stays on Mac with a pair of elbow drops and a running snap mare. Alexander pulls Mac to his feet, but is met with a booming head butt and a forearm shiver that staggers the Florida native to the corner, where Mac hits a running corner splash and follows with a count-along series of punches that gets to 8 before Alexander simply dumps him over the ropes and to the outside.

RAZZ: “For years, I’ve been waiting for someone to do that. Don’t just stand there and get your brains beat in, make them pay for their grandstanding!”

Mac tries to shake the cobwebs outside, but has little time to do so as Alexander drops a double-axehandle from the apron. Alexander tries to run Mac into a nearby ring post, but is shoved off two steps away and barrels head-first into the fixture. Mac rolls into the ring as Barros’ count hits 7, slipping back out to retrieve Alexander who shoves Mac away and hits him with a sling blade, dropping the back of Mac’s head off of the apron before he crumbles in a heap. Alexander rolls back into the ring as Mac appears dead to the world. Barros starts to count Mac out as he tries to stand up, getting to 8 before he’s upright. As Mac tries to pull himself onto the apron, he can’t quite get off of the ground. A couple tries to hop up are futile as Barros’ count hits 10.

Your winner (count out, 5:48), Alexander Darling!

After the match, Mac tries to shake his leg as it is evident that a hand was grabbing his ankle. Mac pulls his leg back, drawing out Annie, who for the most part appears frightened to now be in Mac’s clutches. As Mac picks Annie up and holds her by her hair, Nuke hops over the apron and obliterates Mac with a kendo stick. Nuke whacks Mac with the stick as Annie stomps away. Mac is able to scamper into the ring to temporarily avoid further beatings. As Mac backs to the center of the ring, he bumps into Alexander, who shoves him back into the reach of Nuke’s kendo stick. Nuke splits Mac’s forehead with an overhead chop, dropping him at Alexander’s feet. Nuke gestures for Alexander to join the fun, but an expressionless Alexander seemingly nods in approval before shrugging and walking out of the ring, leaving Mac to Nuke and Annie as they unleash a furious beating. As Annie holds Mac’s head up in range for Nuke to deliver Give ‘Em the Boot, a tall figure – not as tall as Mac, however – in a yellow hooded sweatshirt, the same sweatshirt from two shows ago, hits the ring and stands between Nuke and Mac. Nuke gets into the person’s face and drops their hood to reveal Bridget O’Malley to a thunderous ovation as she unleashes a bushel of rights and lefts on the rookie before grabbing Annie by the hair and tossing her over the top rope. Mac staggers to his feet and sees Bridget standing before him, trying to process what is happening. As Mac offers a fist bump, Bridget pats Mac on the shoulder and quickly exits the ring without changing her expression or saying a word. As Bridget walks to the back, Mac stands in the ring with no idea of what just happened.

RUSS: “If this was the big reunion that a lot of people wanted, it left a lot to be desired.”
RAZZ: “Bridget O’Malley will save Mac’s ass, but she still can’t – or won’t – trust his ass.”

• Zed and Kylie Mignolio vs. The Battling Baristas
With Brynn and Tara already in the ring and stretching on the ropes, a mashup of “Shoot to Thrill” and “Jaded” notes the arrival of Zed and Kylie, who take time to greet ringside fans before entering the ring. As The Reverend BRICK~! follows behind Zed and serves as a one-man hype team, Zed offers a handshake to Brynn and gets room-temperature coffee to the face for his sportsmanship as Mel Creech signals for the bell with all four combatants now in a brawl. Zed shakes off the bean-based attack and plants a dropkick right on Brynn’s jaw, sending her out of the ring just as Kylie’s dropkick bumps Tara over the ropes. Zed and Kylie salute the fans and high five each other and Rev. BRICK~! while the Baristas take a powder.

Brynn rolls in as the legal Barista while Kylie steps in for her side, Brynn and Kylie exchange near-misses on aerial strikes, standing off and getting a smattering of polite applause. Kylie gains control when Brynn slips on the middle rope when attempting a springboard crossbody press. Kylie works the arm a bit before tagging in Zed, who slows Brynn down with a series of body strikes and a standing armbar. Brynn is able to work her way free with an eye rake, tagging in Tara, who charges in and gets a trio of arm drags for her trouble before Zed and Kylie work the quick-tag game to perfection, giving Tara zero chance to gain any separation with the ZeBevKy Compound representatives firmly in control. Kylie wraps up the sequence with a running bulldog that gets 2. From there, Kylie and Zed isolate Tara with a frustrated Brynn shouting face accusations of hair-pulling from the apron. Kylie tags in Zed as Tara is on her last legs. Zed hoists Tara up in position for GTH, stopping only as Brynn charges in and spears Zed, causing Tara to take a nasty fall on her head in the process. With Creech admonishing Brynn, Zed tags Kylie, who climbs up top and delivers a split-legged moonsault on a prone Tara, getting 3 from Creech right after he puts Brynn back in the corner.

Your winners (pinfall, 6:43), the team of Zed and Kylie Mignolio.

Zed and Kylie celebrate with a respect hug as Rev. BRICK~! hops in to join the party. Brynn checks on Tara, and glares at Kylie who offers to help the downed Barista to her feet. Zed and Rev. BRICK~! stand by Kylie to ensure no post-match attacks occur as Kylie helps Tara up without incident. With Zed turning around and planning on leaving the ring, rookie Sean Franklin hops onto the apron and tries to block his exit. After a few seconds of jaw-jacking, Sean takes a swing that Zed ducks before the veteran replies with an elbow of his own to send Sean off of the apron, delighting those in attendance.

• Jack Quinn vs. Angie Delpetro
"Generic Italian Mob Music Set To an Ominous Beat" plays and Angie Delpetro makes her way the ring, stopping to sneer at some young fans. "Symphony of Destruction" plays and Jack Quinn comes out and the crowd pops! Jack steps between the ropes and meets Delpetro in the middle of the ring and offers his hand to her, Delpetro sneers and Jack just shrugs. The referee calls for the bell and they lock up.

Jack backs Delpetro into the corner and the referee calls for the break, Jack breaks and starts to back away when Delpetro rakes the eyes sending Jack staggering away. Delpetro climbs onto the second rope and lands a bulldog that drives Jack face first into the mat. Delpetro pulls Jack out of the ring to the floor and lifts him and drops him throat first on the guardrail, then chokes him with a cord breaking only when the referee threatened disqualification. Delpetro pulls Jack up and shoots him into the ring, then hits a springboard legdrop right across Jack's face for a two count.

Delpetro pulls Jack to his feet and backs him into the corner and hits a couple of chops, but Jack reverses it and BLISTERS Delpetro with chops and the crowd ERUPTS! Jack grabs Delpetro and lifts her for a supex but Delpetro slips free, when Jack spins free Delpetro hits a spinning heel kick that Jack partially blocks, but enough of it catches him to send him staggering against the ropes. Delpetro smells blood and charges in and tries another kick, but Jack blocks it and goes NUTS

RUSS: “I do not like the look in Jack's eyes!”
RAZZ: “That is a man who has had enough.”

Jack connects with a kick to Delpetro's gut, doubling her over, then he grabs her and hits a PACKAGE PILEDRIVER! As soon as Delpetro hits the mat, Jack pounces and locks her into a rear naked choke! Jack locks in the body scissors but before Delpetro can tap the Royal Guard are in the ring! The referee immediately calls for the disqualification.

Your winner (disqualification, 5:38), Jack Quinn!

The Royal Guard put the boots to Jack, after a moment, Delpetro joins in!

RUSS: “THAT DAMN DIRTY JEZEBEL!”
RAZZ: “What the HELL is going on? … It’s KING QUICK!”

“King” Pete Quick makes his way to the ring with a chair and opens it and takes a seat. The Royal Guard and Delpetro drag Jack in front of Quick. He looks at Jack and shakes his head.

PETE: “Jack, it doesn't have to be this way.” *pulling some papers from his pocket* “give him to me Jackie. Sign the papers, and all this can end. Come on Jackie, what's it gonna be? You're a smart businessman. The people are lining up to take you out. Hell, just yesterday I had half a dozen calls to collect the bounty on your head. It's to the point where I am going to have to HIRE someone to weed out the candidates.

“Jackie *Pete leans over and grabs Jack's face, forcing him to look at him* … I can make your life and absolute living hell. You can make it all go away, just walk away, retire. Go home to your peaceful little cabin in the woods. Go do whatever it is you want. Just sign.

Jack spits in his face.

PETE: *dramatically taking a handkerchief from his pocket and wiping his face* “You know, I could sit back and enjoy watching others destroy you, or, I could just collect the money MYSELF!”

Quick jumps to his feet and grabs the chair and lifts it to slam it down on Jack's head when Katie and PORK hit the ring with chairs! They catch the Guard with chair shots and nearly get Quick but Delpetro grabs him and pulls him to safety. Quick and his crew head up the ramp while Jack, Katie and PORK, Shoken Dojo stand tall in the middle of the ring and the fans roar.

• OOWF Intercontinental Championship: Jeff Mangyuniku (c) vs. Bridget O’Malley
“Crown on the Ground” plays in Bridget, who doesn’t make it five steps down the ramp before Annie and Nuke clip her leg with a conveniently placed shopping cart. The punk couple hammer away at Bridget as Jeff, without his music, runs down to stop the attack. Nuke headbutts Jeff and staggers him back while Adam Jennings climbs over the ringside railing to begin barking orders. Annie starts to lose ground to a now-enraged Bridget while Nuke and Jeff brawl throughout the ringside area. Annie spits what appears to be water in Bridget’s eyes. With Bridget stopped momentarily, Annie lunges her face toward Bridget’s throat only for Mac Flasher to pull Bridget to safety at the last second. Bridget throws an O’Mallet at Annie, nearly knocking her cold as Mac then rushes toward ringside to aid Jeff in his brawl with Nuke all while OOWF official Davis Hightower has thrown this match out long ago.

After Jeff posts Nuke, Mac grabs the rookie and lifts him in position for a Flash Drive aimed for the apron. Adam runs down and pulls at Nuke’s ankles and frees him from the impending brain-buster before Adam, Nuke and Annie head for higher ground. Jeff thanks Mac as Bridget gives an uneasy look to her rescuer before walking to the back, again leaving Mac’s right fist unbumped.

RUSS: “So, I guess Mac paid Bridget back for her save earlier, but they seem to be nowhere near a resolution in their personal issues.”
RAZZ: “Russ, those two can’t work together to order takeout. What makes you think that a couple of saves will patch up years of animosity between the two?”

• Nowhere Brawl and Grille World Tag-Team Championship Invitational Elimination bar fight: Banned From Everywhere vs. Shoken Dojo vs. The One-Notes vs. The Woodsmen
The feed cuts to the Nowhere Bar, Grille and PCPL Repository as all four teams are preparing for the ensuing brawl. Arctic McBearington, standing behind the bar, is sanctioned as the special guest referee, mainly because none of the officials on the payroll wanted to work this match.

RUSS: “As you look at the Nowhere Bar, Grille and PCPL Repository, a tag-team champion will be crowned when all other teams are eliminated. To eliminate a team, you just need to pin or gain submission from one member of that team. Last team standing will become the new OOWF World Tag-Team Champions. No disqualification.”
RAZZ: “Buckle up, Russ! This is going to hurt everyone involved, though my money is on Banned From Everywhere. They have the most experience, plus brawls in that place are part of the nightly closing process. ”

McBearington rings a triangle behind the bar as the brawl is on. Katie Bardoor and Awesome Bill from Dawsonville pair off, throwing wild haymakers at each other while shoving away any combatants who try to join the fight. The Woodsmen sneak to the kitchen and watch through the window in the double doors before PORK, already in the kitchen and consuming vegan nachos, bowls over the two, sending them stumbling back into the lobby where Justin Sane nails Hunter with a barstool. Dakota ducks Justin’s swing, but gets a DDT from PORK. Dakota is saved by Hunter at 1.5, but eats a double dropkick from Carrie and Harper, slipping out of Harper’s pin attempt at 2. PORK grabs Carrie and tosses her into the jukebox, getting it to work for the first time in years as “White Trash” by Southern Culture on the Skids, the only 45 in the jukebox, plays on loop. PORK and Carrie keep fighting while Dakota and Harper have paired off, trading booming shots as Justin and Hunter place their bets on the winner. Harper gets Dakota to a knee, but misses a shining wizard. Justin throws a second $5 on Harper, only to see Dakota suplex her through a pool table, getting 2, but more importantly winning Hunter $10.

Back to Katie and Awesome Bill, who are joined by PORK and Carrie in their rollicking fistfight through the saloon doors and to the outside. PORK and Carrie’s fight takes them to the nearby outhouse, where an Irish Whip by PORK sends Carrie crashing through the door. PORK tries to force Carrie’s head into the hole of the wooden seat, barely able to stand the stench himself. Carrie elbows her way out of the predicament and tries to shove the head of the much-larger PORK into the seat, to no avail. PORK smashes Carrie with a forearm shiver and gets her in the same predicament as before, slowly sliding her head downward before Carrie shrieks and furiously taps out.

The One-Notes have been eliminated (submission, 5:31).

RAZZ: “PORK was about to give Carrie a Mississippi Swirly! She may have never recovered from that had he succeeded.”
RUSS: “When you think of what might have been in that outhouse and the last time it was sanitized, Carrie probably saved her own life along with her career by tapping out.”

PORK returns into the lobby area in triumph as The Woodsmen are double-teaming Justin. PORK evens the numbers, taking on both Hunter and Dakota by himself as Justin recovers. Meanwhile, Katie throws Awesome Bill over the bar and into the special PCPL reserve, sending the jugs tumbling everywhere. Katie grabs a jug marked “XXX - 1993” and clocks Awesome Bill, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. Katie then rolls Awesome Bill over as McBearington reluctantly makes the count, getting to 2.5 before Awesome Bill gets a shoulder up. Katie gets right into McBearington’s face as Justin leaps on her back, trying to take her down with a piggyback sleeper hold. Katie throws Justin into Awesome Bill’s arms as PORK hip tosses both Hunter and Dakota onto Awesome Bill and Justin, creating a pile of humanity. In the wreckage, Dakota’s arm is draped on Justin’s chest as McBearington slowly counts to 3.

Banned From Everywhere has been eliminated (pinfall, 9:48)

With PORK and Katie standing tall, the two discuss strategy as the punch-drunk Hunter and Dakota stagger to their feet. PORK reaches down and grabs both by their scalps, practically palming each man’s head as two men barge into the restaurant, holding scepters.

RUSS: “WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE? THE ROYAL GUARD HAS NO BUSINESS BEING IN THIS MATCH.”
RAZZ: “As soon as ‘King’ Pete Quick made Jake Quinn his business, anyone fighting under the Shoken Dojo banner also fits under the business of King Quick.”

Nigel and Liam head straight to Katie and PORK, braining both with their scepters. Katie is dropped to a knee as PORK waves Nigel on to try again. As The Woodsmen try to intervene, Liam cuts both off with a spinning heel kick. Liam continues his assault on Katie while PORK attempts to wrestle the scepter away from Nigel, only to be felled by a Greco-Roman shot to the groin. Nigel then hammers away on PORK, busting him open and bludgeoning him until he can barely get his arms up. The Woodsmen try to intervene again, but are shoved into the jukebox by Liam, causing it to stop working. Nigel walks toward Liam as both eyeball Katie, who shakily tries to get to her feet. Liam swipes all of the mugs off the bar and rolls Katie onto it. Liam climbs up top and turns Katie into a pile driver position as Nigel aids in the maneuver grabbing her boots and spiking her down. Katie, now also busted open and bleeding heavily, twitches on the bar before involuntarily rolling off. Nigel and Liam, proud of their handiwork, flip a schilling to McBearington before walking out. Hunter, the first of The Woodsmen to stand up, walks toward the bar to see the carnage, throwing up in his mouth. Dakota pulls a baggie from his fanny pack as McBearington scans over Katie and PORK and waves The Woodsmen away before calling for the bell.

Referee Arctic McBearington has determined that Shoken Dojo is unable to continue (referee stoppage, 14:58), therefore …

… your winners and NEW OOWF TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS, THE WOODSMEN!

Hunter and Dakota immediately try to help Katie and PORK by fashioning tourniquets from their kerchiefs as standby OOWF Medical personnel rush into the restaurant. The Woodsmen are not concerned about the titles in the slightest as McBearington tries to present them to Hunter and Dakota as they continue to help medical attendees as the feed heads back to the arena.

RUSS: “Fans, stay tuned to OOWF TV for updates on the condition of Katie Bardoor and PORK after that heinous attack.”
RAZZ: “If ‘King’ Pete Quick is watching, I almost guarantee that he has the full attention of Jack Quinn. Even if he’s no longer Moosehead Jack, that is not a positive development. You just hope those kids are OK, because that attack was brutal.”

• OOWF World Heavyweight Championship: Lexie Darling vs. Beverly Cambridge
“Cut the Cord” heralds the arrival of Beverly Cambridge, who is greeted with polite ovation, but not what she is accustomed to. As Beverly’s music fades out, a buzz starts to hum in the arena. The buzz grows into a “LEX-IE! LEX-IE!” chant before the music of the newly crowned OOWF World Heavyweight champion Lexie Darling – “Radioactive” – hits. Once it does, Lexie gets the mother of all hometown pops, causing an inquisitive expression from the champ before she leans into it a bit.

RUSS: “As Lexie Darling takes that first walk down the aisle as champion, what is going through her mind?”
RAZZ: “As someone who has been there in other companies, I can tell you that there’s no feeling greater than to be THE champion. Make no mistake, Lexie Darling has earned this. She has spent years grinding away while her brother Alexander held a bigger piece of the spotlight. Lexie got her chance two weeks ago and she walked away with the biggest prize that this sport can offer. If anything is going through her head, it should be a feeling of pride but also the awareness that she’s a marked woman.”
RUSS: “And her first match – her first defense – is against the last person to hold that title. This will be a doozy.”

Mike Elevenbee gives the big-match introductions as Lexie’s pop is deafening. Masami Misawa goes over the instructions with the two before holding the championship high in the air. Misawa signals for the bell as the match opens with Beverly taking the fight to Lexie with a series of quick strikes. Lexie responds with equal fire, getting an entire arena behind her as her final punch – a hard right cross – pushes Beverly to a corner. Lexie stays back, per Misawa’s request as West Palm Beach is rocking with Lexie’s every move. The normally reserved Lexie eggs on further response as Beverly stretches her neck and rubs her jaw.

RUSS: “Usually Beverly isn’t in a match where she’s receiving this kind of response.”
RAZZ: “This town is proud of its champion, Lexie Darling. The local girl did good.”

Beverly tries to lock up with Lexie, getting a go-behind takedown before Lexie escapes and reverses. The two trade off reversals and quick pinning attempts – none getting past 1. With Beverly the last on the mat, Lexie offers a hand to help her up, only for Beverly to try and pull Lexie into a triangle. Lexie scampers out easily as both competitors smile and nod at each other. The two tie up again with Beverly backing Lexie to a corner and sneaking in a quick jab to get the advantage. While that act is met with jeers, Beverly methodically works on Lexie’s shoulders and arms, stretching, stomping and pulling any way she can. Beverly ties Lexie in a sugar hold with Misawa intently checking for a submission. Lexie grits her way through the pain and is able to shift things to the ropes, where she earns a break. Beverly stays on the offensive with an inverted Rings of Saturn that was located too close to the ropes as Lexie is able to pull back and tangle both into the ropes, getting another break.

Beverly pulls Lexie to the middle of the ring, but loses control when Lexie drops down for a jawbreaker, allowing the champ a couple of seconds to breathe and get the blood flowing in her arms. Lexie runs through Beverly with a pair of shoulder tackles and then unleashes a spine buster with Beverly coming off the ropes to get 2. Lexie throws out a submission attempt of her own, working a conventional Texas cloverleaf before releasing and inverting it into a Kondo Clutch. Beverly’s hand hovers over the mat for what seems to be an hour, but really only 10 seconds, before she’s able to plank and shift her hips to get Lexie off balance. Beverly frees herself and rolls under the ropes as she limps off the damage to her leg. Lexie catches Beverly off-guard with a baseball slide, sending Beverly crashing into the barricade. Lexie sends Beverly back into the ring and signals for a Bitch Killer, whipping the fans into a frenzy. Lexie gets Beverly into position, but Beverly battles out and greets Lexie with a forearm. Beverly hits the ropes and delivers another forearm blow to stun Lexie. Beverly goes behind and hits a bridging German suplex, but cannot fully hold the bridge as Misawa is in the correct position to count 3 on Beverly’s shoulders as Lexie shoots her shoulder up at 2.75.

Your winner (pinfall, 13:44), and STILL OOWF CHAMPION, LEXIE DARLING!

Afterward, Beverly intercepts Misawa to present Lexie with her title. As the two converse, Beverly points at the belt, seemingly asking for another try, which draws an affirming nod from Lexie. The two shake hands as the feed goes off the air.