PHWF 1
Feb 7, 2007 17:33:19 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Feb 7, 2007 17:33:19 GMT -5
***The following events took place on 2-05-07, but do to problems with streaming video, licensing and mysterious dancing bears from outer space knocking out Figure Foreskin's phone lines it was not available until now***
PHWF 1
Pun's House Wrestling Federation Championship Tournament Of Champions: Preliminary Round
JF- We are LIVE at the gymnasium of Bucksnort Elementary here in Bucksnort Tennessee on streaming video accross the world! I am Joey Fashions and THIS is PHWF! With me is Don East.
DE- This is gonna be the best wrestling event in the history of wrestling!
JF- ...thanks Don. Tonight we have eight matches in the preliminary rounds of the PHWF Championship Tournament of Champions to determine our first PHWF Champion. Let's go down to the ring!
DE- I have NEVER seen a ring like that! That is the single greatest ring since the beginning of time!
JF- Well...its a pretty good ring..but, it just...
DE- Its just the finest thing in the history of creation! Operators are standing by!
JF- Okay Don. Coming up we have the formor OOWF World Champion "The Main Event" Chris Cole against "The Terror Of The Indies" Ryan Insert! I don't know much about him, but we here tale that his finishing maneuver, "The Final Countdown" is a...this can't be right...a 900 splash!? What do you think of that, Don?
DE- That sounds pretty good...
JF- You get excited about the ring, but not a double frontflip splash?
DE- Is that what that is? Sorry, I'm a QVC pitchman, I don't know much about wrestling...
JF- Goddammit...anyways, here's the match.
CHRIS COLE VS. RYAN INSERT
Chris Cole comes out to scathing boos, still selling his injuries from Dance Of Death (now available on OOWF DVD!) but still looking confident. The AWESOME keyboard intro of Europe's "The Final Countdown" blasts out of the PHWF sound system and Ryan Insert comes out to moderate cheers from the main crowd and relentless adoration from one indy wonk in a fish costume. Ryan gets in the ring and starts of flirt with a cute girl in the front row and is punished for this by a german suplex, but he does a full backflip and lands on his feet then nails Cole in the back of the head with a high dropkick pitching Cole out of the ring and onto the floor. Ryan hits the back ropes and runs forward, jumps onto the tope rope and does a backflip forward into Cole, catches him around the neck with his legs and hurricanranas Cole into the ring steps! Its a Shooting Star Frankensteiner! Apparently that is called the Ryan-canrana. He certainly can! Ryan picks Cole up and throws him into the ring, accends the top turnbuckle and signals for The Final Countdown!? He's gonna end this thing already! He's up, he does the two flips and lands on Cole's knees! He pulled his knees up! Ryan is rolling around on the ground as though he'd been shot. Cole slowly stands up and grins, he grabs Ryan, shoots him into the ropes and plants him with a giant spinebuster. He pulls Ryan up again and hits The Headliner! 1-2-3. After a few incredible spots from Ryan Insert, Chris Cole shows him why he's a former world champion.
WINNER in 3:22- "The Main Event" Chris Cole
JF- Oh my God! I thought we were gonna see a newcoming make his name on the former world champion, but he was just destroyed as soon as he made a mistake. Wow, that was ugly.
DE- We have just witnessed the greatest match since the biginning of two men fighting each other!
JF- It really wasn't that great...it was a few spots and then the lightweight got destroyed. How is that a good match?
DE- FIVE START ACTION HERE IN BUCKSNORT!!!
JF- Let's go down to the ring again. We have two men who are both former tag champions and now they're back in singles action HERE in PHWF!
DE- Online Onslaught Wrestling Federation: Total Nonstop Action!
JF- No...no, its Pun's House Wrestling Federation.
DE- Is it?
JF- Yeah.
DE- Oh.
MASTER GATOR VS. ATTITUDE ADJUSTER
Attitude Adjuster comes out to an outstanding ovation. He attempts to
rectify this by spitting at the audience, but someone catches his spit
in a cup and everyone surrounds the valuable souvenir. Good try.
"Smoke On The Water" starts up, and Master Gator comes out on the ramp
yielding a mike and flanked by Gator Aides.
MG: Listen up, kid. I'm not into this clean match stuff. Much as Molly
and Holly would be more than happy to watch me wipe the floor with you
the old-fashioned way, I decided to recruit a referee who is a little
more…lenient.
"The Smurfs" hits the PA, and Papa Smurf comes storming down the ring
WITH A PURPOSE! And a striped shirt. Y'know, to denote that he's a
referee. In case you didn't pick that up. Somewhere, Ron Simmons lost
an easy payday. While Attitude Adjuster is contemplating this blatant
destruction of the laws of physics, Master Gator jumps him from
behind. This match is ON~! Gator is wailing on Attitude Adjuster,
until AA realizes that Lita Punches don't hurt, and pushes Master
Gator off. Gator throws himself back into a cartwheel, flips on top of
the ropes, and comes off with a crazy Seanton Bomb onto Attitude
Adjuster. Papa Smurf gets to a two-count, but Attitude reverses into a
roll-up. Two-count, reverse, two-count, reverse, continuing,
continuing, until Papa Smurf gets dizzy and leaves to get a drink.
MG: Wait…what?
PS: I'll be right back!
As Master Gator debates not asking Eco for references anymore,
Attitude Adjuster catches him with a dropkick. Holly and Molly storm
the ring in the absence of the referee and double-low-blow Attitude.
But…he's not falling over! Is he a eunuch? NO! He's wearing a cup
made
of gold! Seeing an easy heel moment, he nails the two girls with the
GOLDEN ATHLETIC CUP TO THE FACE~! However, one girl falls on the other
producing HAWT LESBIAN ACTION! Cheers abound.
AA: Arrrgh!
Master Gator flips Adjuster over with a reverse drop toehold just as
Papa Smurf runs out to make the count. Adjuster reverses into a
FIGURE-FOUR LEGLOCK! Shades of his mentor not contracted by this
company! Gator makes it to the ropes as the crowd chants "WE WANT
GARGAMEL!" Sorry, that would be a little much. AA goes for the
Attitude Adjustment, but Gator switches out into the Totally Awesome
Irish Whip That Never Gets Reversed Except Darn It It Just Did. Gator
goes face first into an exposed turnbuckle. No one undid the padding,
just poor production values on a first show. Reverse into Attitude
Adjustment, and that's all she wrote. Unless a guy wrote this match.
WINNER in 4:32—Attitude Adjuster.
JF- Oh my God! That was incredible!
DE- That girl kissed another girl!
JF- No, I meant the wrestling match.
DE- There was a wrestling match?
JF- (does a shot with a bottle of pills) What's up next Don?
DE- Hopefully more girls with girls!
JF- Its on the paper in front of you...
DE- These are MINE!? AWESOME! It looks like an MGB Knife. Now, if you look at the handle on the MGB Knife, you can see the fine hand carving of the wood. See, the blade goes all the way into the handle so it will not break off ever. This blade is so sharp and it never has to be resharpened. IT NEVER HAS TO BE RESHARPENED! How much would YOU pay!?
JF- That says MGB vs. The Knife.
DE- Can I sell The Knife? Its sort of my thing.
JF- Fine. But after the match.
DE- SWEET!
MGB VS. THE KNIFE
MGB enters in a giant white limo and comes out wearing a cowboy hat and just being a general annoyance to the populace at large. Then Bryan Adams sultry voice caresses the audience's ears as The Knife enters to his beautiful entrence music. The bell rings and Knife tries a Stab Superkick, but MGB bails out of the ring. He comes back in and locks up with Knife easily overpowering the smaller man. He throws Knife to the ropes and attempts a huge clothesline, but Knife ducks and comes back with a leaping kick to the face! MGB's nose is bleeding and he is not happy. He tackles Knife down, mounts him and starts punching him in the face as hard as he can. Knife throws his legs up, hooks MGB's arms and rolls through into a pinning predicament, but MGB kicks out at two. MGB looks flustered. Knife hits a series of kicks to MGB's sides, knees and hits a big spin-kick to the side of the head. MGB falls to one knee, Knife hits the back rope and nails MGB with the Slash! Knife goes to the corner and says a prayer, waiting for MGB to get back up. He comes charging at him with a second Stab Superkick, MGB ducks out of the way and the kick hits the referee! MGB laughs and Knife leaps up and hits The Cutter! But there's no referee! Knife goes over to him and tries to revive him. After a while, he finally gets the referee up and turns around only to be met with the Stock Market Crash from MGB! This match is over. 1-2-3. MGB throws his arms in the air and celebrates as if he'd just won the nobel prize. Knife gets up slowly, frustrated at himself for not winning.
WINNER in 4:04- MGB!
JF- Oh my God! MGB just outsmarted The Knife!
DE- And if you call in the next seven minutes The Knife can be yours for only four easy payments of $9.99!
JF- Come on, Don! Knock it off!
DE- Alright...you've convinced me...I'LL TAKE OFF ONE PAYMENT! That's right, THREE easy payments of $9.99! And if you act now, I'll throw in the sharpener, ABSOLUTLEY FREE!
JF- LD Williams is gonna face Ecosystem next. Just watch it...
DE- OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!
LD WILLIAMS vs. ECOSYSTEM
Williams is out first and waits in the corner for Ecosystem to get to the ring. Eco makes his way down the aisle with a pad of paper and a pen and stops every few feet to look around and to jot something down. He gets to the ring and looks at Williams and writes something else down, then asks for the mic:
Eco- Now, I am sure you people are wondering what I am doing here in, where the hell are we tonight? Like it really matters. Anyway, what I have here are a list of my complaints. First of all look at these fans, just pitiful. Second, look at this “arena” a man of my caliber should NOT be wrestling in a hovel like this. I could go on and on <flips several pages> but I will get to the point. My biggest complaint tonight is <turns to LD Williams> my opponent. Look at ya. Do YOU even think you are worth my time? Look, I am going to win this tournament and be the first PHWF champion, that is a given. I am the ONLY person that can save this place. So really Williams, why don’t you crawl back to that “other” fed and do whatever it is you do there?
Williams slowly walks out of the corner with his head down and appears to be about to leave the ring, when he turns around and kicks Eco low and drills him with a DDT. Eco rolls out of the ring to recover, the referee calls for the bell and this one is underway. LD Williams leaves the ring and goes after Eco, pulls him to his feet and bounces his head off the guard rail, then nearly decapitates him with a clothesline. One of the fans tries to reach out and pat Williams on the back, but he turns around and threatens the fan. This gives Eco the opening he needs to go to the eyes. LD staggers and Eco grabs the time keepers hammer and smacks him in the head with it. This only annoys Williams and he grabs a chair and throws it at Eco’s head, sending it careening off his skull and into the third row. Eco takes a few steps then does the dramatic Flair flop. Williams pulls Eco up and pulls him toward him and kills him with a short arm clothesline, then rolls him back into the ring, covers, and gets a two count. Williams pulls Eco to his feet and backs him into the corner and just PUMMELS him with rights and lefts then as Eco falls to the mat, LDW unleashes a barrage of kicks to the face. Williams grabs Eco’s legs and pulls him to the center of the ring and turns him over in a Boston crab. Eco howls in pain, but will not give up, fighting his way to the ropes and eventually forcing the break. Williams pursues his prey and Eco grabs his tights and pulls him, throwing him between the ropes to the floor. Eco gets to his feet as LD gets back on the apron, Williams tries a running clothesline down the apron, but Eco ducks it, turns and catches LD in the face with a front kick that sends Williams to the floor. Not it is Eco’s turn to pursue his prey. Eco pulls Williams to his feet and drops him wit ha scoop slam, then climbs to the apron and lands a spinning leg drop. Eco rolls Williams into the ring and heads to the top rope. Eco leaps and hits the SOY BOMB! And covers, but Williams gets his foot on the ropes before the three count. Eco pulls Williams to his feet and calls for the Endgame, he grabs LDW and is about to hit the move when Williams spins out of it, gets behind Eco, spins him around, kick to the gut and PLANTS him with a devastating DDT! LDW locks on the STF in the middle of the ring and wrenches back on Eco’s neck like a mad man, Eco nearly makes it to the ropes when LD breaks the hold and hits a couple of BRUTAL forearms across the face, then pulls Eco back to the center of the ring and locks the STF back on, Eco has no escape and is forced to tap.
WINNER in 22:22 – LD Williams
JF- Oh my God! LD Williams comes out HARD! He is definately looking to make a name for himself here in the PHWF! That was one of the most brutal things I've ever seen!
DE- I liked the first match better.
JF- I hate you.
PHWF 1
Pun's House Wrestling Federation Championship Tournament Of Champions: Preliminary Round
JF- We are LIVE at the gymnasium of Bucksnort Elementary here in Bucksnort Tennessee on streaming video accross the world! I am Joey Fashions and THIS is PHWF! With me is Don East.
DE- This is gonna be the best wrestling event in the history of wrestling!
JF- ...thanks Don. Tonight we have eight matches in the preliminary rounds of the PHWF Championship Tournament of Champions to determine our first PHWF Champion. Let's go down to the ring!
DE- I have NEVER seen a ring like that! That is the single greatest ring since the beginning of time!
JF- Well...its a pretty good ring..but, it just...
DE- Its just the finest thing in the history of creation! Operators are standing by!
JF- Okay Don. Coming up we have the formor OOWF World Champion "The Main Event" Chris Cole against "The Terror Of The Indies" Ryan Insert! I don't know much about him, but we here tale that his finishing maneuver, "The Final Countdown" is a...this can't be right...a 900 splash!? What do you think of that, Don?
DE- That sounds pretty good...
JF- You get excited about the ring, but not a double frontflip splash?
DE- Is that what that is? Sorry, I'm a QVC pitchman, I don't know much about wrestling...
JF- Goddammit...anyways, here's the match.
CHRIS COLE VS. RYAN INSERT
Chris Cole comes out to scathing boos, still selling his injuries from Dance Of Death (now available on OOWF DVD!) but still looking confident. The AWESOME keyboard intro of Europe's "The Final Countdown" blasts out of the PHWF sound system and Ryan Insert comes out to moderate cheers from the main crowd and relentless adoration from one indy wonk in a fish costume. Ryan gets in the ring and starts of flirt with a cute girl in the front row and is punished for this by a german suplex, but he does a full backflip and lands on his feet then nails Cole in the back of the head with a high dropkick pitching Cole out of the ring and onto the floor. Ryan hits the back ropes and runs forward, jumps onto the tope rope and does a backflip forward into Cole, catches him around the neck with his legs and hurricanranas Cole into the ring steps! Its a Shooting Star Frankensteiner! Apparently that is called the Ryan-canrana. He certainly can! Ryan picks Cole up and throws him into the ring, accends the top turnbuckle and signals for The Final Countdown!? He's gonna end this thing already! He's up, he does the two flips and lands on Cole's knees! He pulled his knees up! Ryan is rolling around on the ground as though he'd been shot. Cole slowly stands up and grins, he grabs Ryan, shoots him into the ropes and plants him with a giant spinebuster. He pulls Ryan up again and hits The Headliner! 1-2-3. After a few incredible spots from Ryan Insert, Chris Cole shows him why he's a former world champion.
WINNER in 3:22- "The Main Event" Chris Cole
JF- Oh my God! I thought we were gonna see a newcoming make his name on the former world champion, but he was just destroyed as soon as he made a mistake. Wow, that was ugly.
DE- We have just witnessed the greatest match since the biginning of two men fighting each other!
JF- It really wasn't that great...it was a few spots and then the lightweight got destroyed. How is that a good match?
DE- FIVE START ACTION HERE IN BUCKSNORT!!!
JF- Let's go down to the ring again. We have two men who are both former tag champions and now they're back in singles action HERE in PHWF!
DE- Online Onslaught Wrestling Federation: Total Nonstop Action!
JF- No...no, its Pun's House Wrestling Federation.
DE- Is it?
JF- Yeah.
DE- Oh.
MASTER GATOR VS. ATTITUDE ADJUSTER
Attitude Adjuster comes out to an outstanding ovation. He attempts to
rectify this by spitting at the audience, but someone catches his spit
in a cup and everyone surrounds the valuable souvenir. Good try.
"Smoke On The Water" starts up, and Master Gator comes out on the ramp
yielding a mike and flanked by Gator Aides.
MG: Listen up, kid. I'm not into this clean match stuff. Much as Molly
and Holly would be more than happy to watch me wipe the floor with you
the old-fashioned way, I decided to recruit a referee who is a little
more…lenient.
"The Smurfs" hits the PA, and Papa Smurf comes storming down the ring
WITH A PURPOSE! And a striped shirt. Y'know, to denote that he's a
referee. In case you didn't pick that up. Somewhere, Ron Simmons lost
an easy payday. While Attitude Adjuster is contemplating this blatant
destruction of the laws of physics, Master Gator jumps him from
behind. This match is ON~! Gator is wailing on Attitude Adjuster,
until AA realizes that Lita Punches don't hurt, and pushes Master
Gator off. Gator throws himself back into a cartwheel, flips on top of
the ropes, and comes off with a crazy Seanton Bomb onto Attitude
Adjuster. Papa Smurf gets to a two-count, but Attitude reverses into a
roll-up. Two-count, reverse, two-count, reverse, continuing,
continuing, until Papa Smurf gets dizzy and leaves to get a drink.
MG: Wait…what?
PS: I'll be right back!
As Master Gator debates not asking Eco for references anymore,
Attitude Adjuster catches him with a dropkick. Holly and Molly storm
the ring in the absence of the referee and double-low-blow Attitude.
But…he's not falling over! Is he a eunuch? NO! He's wearing a cup
made
of gold! Seeing an easy heel moment, he nails the two girls with the
GOLDEN ATHLETIC CUP TO THE FACE~! However, one girl falls on the other
producing HAWT LESBIAN ACTION! Cheers abound.
AA: Arrrgh!
Master Gator flips Adjuster over with a reverse drop toehold just as
Papa Smurf runs out to make the count. Adjuster reverses into a
FIGURE-FOUR LEGLOCK! Shades of his mentor not contracted by this
company! Gator makes it to the ropes as the crowd chants "WE WANT
GARGAMEL!" Sorry, that would be a little much. AA goes for the
Attitude Adjustment, but Gator switches out into the Totally Awesome
Irish Whip That Never Gets Reversed Except Darn It It Just Did. Gator
goes face first into an exposed turnbuckle. No one undid the padding,
just poor production values on a first show. Reverse into Attitude
Adjustment, and that's all she wrote. Unless a guy wrote this match.
WINNER in 4:32—Attitude Adjuster.
JF- Oh my God! That was incredible!
DE- That girl kissed another girl!
JF- No, I meant the wrestling match.
DE- There was a wrestling match?
JF- (does a shot with a bottle of pills) What's up next Don?
DE- Hopefully more girls with girls!
JF- Its on the paper in front of you...
DE- These are MINE!? AWESOME! It looks like an MGB Knife. Now, if you look at the handle on the MGB Knife, you can see the fine hand carving of the wood. See, the blade goes all the way into the handle so it will not break off ever. This blade is so sharp and it never has to be resharpened. IT NEVER HAS TO BE RESHARPENED! How much would YOU pay!?
JF- That says MGB vs. The Knife.
DE- Can I sell The Knife? Its sort of my thing.
JF- Fine. But after the match.
DE- SWEET!
MGB VS. THE KNIFE
MGB enters in a giant white limo and comes out wearing a cowboy hat and just being a general annoyance to the populace at large. Then Bryan Adams sultry voice caresses the audience's ears as The Knife enters to his beautiful entrence music. The bell rings and Knife tries a Stab Superkick, but MGB bails out of the ring. He comes back in and locks up with Knife easily overpowering the smaller man. He throws Knife to the ropes and attempts a huge clothesline, but Knife ducks and comes back with a leaping kick to the face! MGB's nose is bleeding and he is not happy. He tackles Knife down, mounts him and starts punching him in the face as hard as he can. Knife throws his legs up, hooks MGB's arms and rolls through into a pinning predicament, but MGB kicks out at two. MGB looks flustered. Knife hits a series of kicks to MGB's sides, knees and hits a big spin-kick to the side of the head. MGB falls to one knee, Knife hits the back rope and nails MGB with the Slash! Knife goes to the corner and says a prayer, waiting for MGB to get back up. He comes charging at him with a second Stab Superkick, MGB ducks out of the way and the kick hits the referee! MGB laughs and Knife leaps up and hits The Cutter! But there's no referee! Knife goes over to him and tries to revive him. After a while, he finally gets the referee up and turns around only to be met with the Stock Market Crash from MGB! This match is over. 1-2-3. MGB throws his arms in the air and celebrates as if he'd just won the nobel prize. Knife gets up slowly, frustrated at himself for not winning.
WINNER in 4:04- MGB!
JF- Oh my God! MGB just outsmarted The Knife!
DE- And if you call in the next seven minutes The Knife can be yours for only four easy payments of $9.99!
JF- Come on, Don! Knock it off!
DE- Alright...you've convinced me...I'LL TAKE OFF ONE PAYMENT! That's right, THREE easy payments of $9.99! And if you act now, I'll throw in the sharpener, ABSOLUTLEY FREE!
JF- LD Williams is gonna face Ecosystem next. Just watch it...
DE- OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!
LD WILLIAMS vs. ECOSYSTEM
Williams is out first and waits in the corner for Ecosystem to get to the ring. Eco makes his way down the aisle with a pad of paper and a pen and stops every few feet to look around and to jot something down. He gets to the ring and looks at Williams and writes something else down, then asks for the mic:
Eco- Now, I am sure you people are wondering what I am doing here in, where the hell are we tonight? Like it really matters. Anyway, what I have here are a list of my complaints. First of all look at these fans, just pitiful. Second, look at this “arena” a man of my caliber should NOT be wrestling in a hovel like this. I could go on and on <flips several pages> but I will get to the point. My biggest complaint tonight is <turns to LD Williams> my opponent. Look at ya. Do YOU even think you are worth my time? Look, I am going to win this tournament and be the first PHWF champion, that is a given. I am the ONLY person that can save this place. So really Williams, why don’t you crawl back to that “other” fed and do whatever it is you do there?
Williams slowly walks out of the corner with his head down and appears to be about to leave the ring, when he turns around and kicks Eco low and drills him with a DDT. Eco rolls out of the ring to recover, the referee calls for the bell and this one is underway. LD Williams leaves the ring and goes after Eco, pulls him to his feet and bounces his head off the guard rail, then nearly decapitates him with a clothesline. One of the fans tries to reach out and pat Williams on the back, but he turns around and threatens the fan. This gives Eco the opening he needs to go to the eyes. LD staggers and Eco grabs the time keepers hammer and smacks him in the head with it. This only annoys Williams and he grabs a chair and throws it at Eco’s head, sending it careening off his skull and into the third row. Eco takes a few steps then does the dramatic Flair flop. Williams pulls Eco up and pulls him toward him and kills him with a short arm clothesline, then rolls him back into the ring, covers, and gets a two count. Williams pulls Eco to his feet and backs him into the corner and just PUMMELS him with rights and lefts then as Eco falls to the mat, LDW unleashes a barrage of kicks to the face. Williams grabs Eco’s legs and pulls him to the center of the ring and turns him over in a Boston crab. Eco howls in pain, but will not give up, fighting his way to the ropes and eventually forcing the break. Williams pursues his prey and Eco grabs his tights and pulls him, throwing him between the ropes to the floor. Eco gets to his feet as LD gets back on the apron, Williams tries a running clothesline down the apron, but Eco ducks it, turns and catches LD in the face with a front kick that sends Williams to the floor. Not it is Eco’s turn to pursue his prey. Eco pulls Williams to his feet and drops him wit ha scoop slam, then climbs to the apron and lands a spinning leg drop. Eco rolls Williams into the ring and heads to the top rope. Eco leaps and hits the SOY BOMB! And covers, but Williams gets his foot on the ropes before the three count. Eco pulls Williams to his feet and calls for the Endgame, he grabs LDW and is about to hit the move when Williams spins out of it, gets behind Eco, spins him around, kick to the gut and PLANTS him with a devastating DDT! LDW locks on the STF in the middle of the ring and wrenches back on Eco’s neck like a mad man, Eco nearly makes it to the ropes when LD breaks the hold and hits a couple of BRUTAL forearms across the face, then pulls Eco back to the center of the ring and locks the STF back on, Eco has no escape and is forced to tap.
WINNER in 22:22 – LD Williams
JF- Oh my God! LD Williams comes out HARD! He is definately looking to make a name for himself here in the PHWF! That was one of the most brutal things I've ever seen!
DE- I liked the first match better.
JF- I hate you.