[Andy]

PHWF 2: PHWF Championship Tournament Of Champions Quarterfinals

Moosehead Jack vs. Johnny Adrenaline
Chris Alt vs. Spin Hansen
MGB vs. LD Williams
Attitude Adjuster vs. Chris Cole

The rest of the PHWF superstars are looking in confusion at the match listing as soon as it's posted, since only eight wrestlers are represented. GM Pun finally comes out in a fabulous Armani suit looking handsome and strong. He adjusts his gigantic package and addresses the crowd.

Pun- Hey everyone. I have an announcement to make. THIS is the premere title in wrestling, the PHWF Championship.

He holds up the belt. Everyone looks on in amazement at its breathtaking glory.

Pun- And none of you get to have it. At least not yet anyways. So what will you fight for? I'll tell you. I am putting all of you that lost in the Prelims and the four of you that showed up after the tourney had been drawn up in qualifier matches for a special event we have planned for PHWF 3 on 2-25. A six-way Ultimate N match for this!

He pulls out an equally incredible belt with a giant red N on it.

Pun- THIS is the N-Sanity Title! Its not about weight limits, its about flippity shit! So here are the qualifying matches everyone. Good luck, and have a nice day.


PHWF N-Sanity Title Unlimate N match qualifying matches

FF Capslock vs. Concrete TG
Viet Cong Viper vs. Courtney Shaw
The Knife vs. Ecosystem
Mastor Gator vs. Kenji
Ryan Insert vs. Ryan Tab
Tex vs. SYB

[salmonjunkie]

Viet Cong Viper is in the back being interview by Portly Female Journalist #4

PFJ4: Viper, you lost to Altrageous today, and you have a match against Altrageous again in a few hours in that other federation. How will you prepare?

VCV: Sirry beech! Ova in Oh Oh Duble Ef, is Donovan Vipah. My cousin! I am Viet Cong Vipah! Communist menace to American Gee Eye!

PFJ4: Oooh kay... well, then, if you're not Donovan Viper, then the hilarity of you facing a woman in the ring is not that hilarious any*POP* Ow! What the hell?

VCV: In my country, woman no fight. woman cook! Woman clean! Woman prepare dog for dinner! Woman dig tunnel for man to ambush Gee Eye. But in my country, we beat our woman too, just like I do to yoo, crackerbeech!

PFJ4: Did you just call me a cracker bitch or did you call your opponent, Courtney Shaw a cracker bitch?

VCV: Both!

Viper gives PFJ4 a SIDEWINDER (oh no, it's not a sidewinder here, it's...) A HO CHI MINH TRAIL TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR!

[National Champion Chris Cole]

Cole smiles as he reads next week's opponent

CC: I kicked Johnny's ass last week in one tournament and now I get to kick his Fat Ass Parter's Ass in this tournament. Somebody really loves me.

[The Jewish Cunthead]

SYB is working out, flanked by trainers Doc Holliday and Mickey Goldmill.

SYB (lifting 10 lb weights): Can't I just go online? I know I can whup Tex's ass but he's gonna steal it like Bush did in '00 and '04. Plus he's a Republican so he hates Joos and blacks. Damn this shit hurts. Three, four...

Mickey: Now remember I want 500 hard ones go!

SYB: Where was I, seven or eight? I uhhhhhhh...

SYB passes out in a pool of his own shit and piss.

Doc: I believe the strain was more than he could bear.

Mickey: That doesn't look like thunder.

[Jack Quinn]

<Moose is storming through the back of the arena, his leg wrapped in bloody bandages, still showing a limp when he is stopped by Sexy Femal Journalist In Training 13>

SFJIT13: Moose what are your thoughts on FF Capslock actions this week?

MHJ:<just staring at her in disbelief> THE FUCKER SHOT ME!

SFJIT13: I assume you are not happy about this?

MHJ: <mockingly> Yeah you could say that. <becoming calm> Lock, this is not over. Not by a long shot. I am going to take care of business in Vermont tonight, and then, either there, here, or somewhere in between, I am going to hunt you down and skin you alive.

SFJIT13: This week you face Johnny Adrenaline in the PHWF Title tournament any thoughts on that?

MHJ: You know, right now all I can think about is making Capslock bleed. But Johnny, I guarante you this, before we get into the ring on the fifteenth, you will have my full, undivided attention. Adrenaline, you cannot stop me, I will give you your due, when you want to, you can be one of the most violent, evil bastards in wrestling. But on your worst day, you can't run with me.

Trust me

[Attitude Adjuster]

Attitude Adjuster is standing in front of a wrinkled PHWF banner with Plain Jane the Microphone Stand.

AA: Well, now that that's done with, Johnny and I can get on with the business of defending our Pun's House Tag Team titles. So who do we face this week?

PJtMS: Actually, you won your match last week.

AA: Really? You sure? We don't have any of that Pun's House wrestling TiVo here like at the OO(beeep). But I do kinda remember someone raising my arm. Wow, I won. Ummm, not really sure what to do here. Who do I face next week?

PJtMS: Chris Cole.

AA: Is he any good over here?

PJtMS: Well, he beat Ryan Insert.

AA: Who? Ahh, it doesn't matter. When does my contract expire? Do I have any chance of being booked to win this match? Answers, woman! I need answers! I can't do a promo without having some kind of knowledge. I swear I'm never doing favors for guys I've swerved ever again.

[Deleted]

***Master Gator sees the postings for the upcoming N-Sanity tournament match***

Master Gator: All right, Molly and Holly. Tonight, the two of you get to lick some Asian ass, and next week, I get to kick some.

***The Gator Aides jump up and down like giddy schoolgirls***

***Papa Smurf walks by, sipping on some iced tea***

MG: Hey, blue balls. What the fuck were you doing out there? Getting DIZZY? You're not Smurfette. She can get dizzy all she wants being the only female of the bunch. I'm sure her blue bush bleeds blue blood (say THAT 5 times fast!) day-in and day-out. What's your damned excuse?

Papa Smurf: Brainy gave me some WICKED herb before the show. You sure looked puuuuurty out there.

*CRUNCH!!! Papa Smurf is DEAD!*

***Master Gator and the Gator Aides leave the building. Gargamel & Azrael are seen hiding in the shadows, slowly approaching the laying carcass of Papa Smurf as we fade to black.***

[Courtney]

(Courtney Shaw storms into GM Pun's office)

Courtney: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!

GMP: What the hell is what?

Courtney: Why am I facing Viper next week?

GMP: Because I said.

Courtney: Dude...seriously...come on, were you not watching out there? Fuckin' Ecosystem cost me my damn match and now I won't be the first-ever PHWF Champion! I want to beat Ecosystem's ass and I want to do it NOW! You're going to switch the matches!

GMP: Um, no.

Courtney: Well, argggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh......you're an idiot.

GMP: Listen, if you want to fight Ecosystem so bad, find a way to make it happen.

Courtney: Oh I will. No thanks to you, but I WILL!

[Andy]

Concrete TG cautiously approaches FF Capslock at a Wendy's.

CTG- FF?

FFC- Yeah?

CTG- I have to ask you...um...an uncomfortable question...

FFC- You're wondering if its okay to go full tilt on the 15th? Absolutely, I certainly plan to. Don't pull any punches; I want a good match out of you, buddy.

CTG- No, I'm certainly hoping you do...but, I just wanted to make sure I don't get...uh...y'know...

FFC- What?

CTG- ...shot.

FFC- Oh come on! I'd never shoot you! I never shoot anyone. That was my first.

CTG- While we agree on a lot, friend, I certainly don't agree with your tactics there.

FFC- Why not? I twarted the villain. And I sacrificed my spot in the tourney to do so. Damn heroic, if I say so.

CTG- YOU SHOT HIM!

FFC- What's your point?

CTG- Heroes don't shoot people!

FFC- Punisher does.

CTG- He does!? Well, I'm quitting his Federation right away!

FFC- No, "The Punisher" from the comic books.

CTG- Well, that doesn't count. I mean REAL heroes.

FFC- Cops are heroes. They shoot people all the time.

CTG- You just don't get it.

FFC- What?

[punk/core]

[Ryan Insert is in the trainer's room, getting his ribs taped up]

Ryan Insert: God fuck! Are any of them broken?

Trainer: Nah, you'll be fine. You're gonna be sore for a few days, but you'll be 100% come the 25th for your next match.

Insert: Good. I had that match won too...

[FF Capslock walks in]

FF Capslock: I saw the match... sorry about the loss. Not a great way to make your first impression though.

Insert: Yeah, thanks... I had that match won you know. If he hadn't gotten his knees up, the 900 Splash would have killed him.

Capslock: Yeah, about that name... uh... I hate to break this to you but, it occured to me... do you realize that a "900 Splash" from a standing position would cause you to land on the top of your head?

Insert: Yeah, I know... it's just a name. Sure, it really is just an 810 Splash, but it sounded so much cooler to say that it was twice as good at the 450 Splash.

Capslock: You're gonna sound like a moron if you keep calling it that.

Insert: Like anyone will notice.

Capslock: I did.

Insert: Yeah, but it took you like, a week.

Capslock: Yeah but--

Insert: That is the least of my worries right now, anyway. I lost my debut match, and that's fine. You know why? Because the N-Sanity Title might as well have my name plate on it right now. That thing is mine... and it makes me thrilled to know that the first person I get to plow through is that identity-stealing hobbit.

Capslock: Actually, he's a paladin.

Insert: Man, I don't care if he's a paladin, a hobbit, a jedi, an orc, or pretends that he's Harry Potter and runs around the ring with a broomstick up his ass. He wants to come in here, and steal my name, and my gimmick and my finisher... no way is he getting into the ring with me, and getting out alive.

[Spinch]

(Spin Hansen comes to the ring, acknowledging the crowd and holding up his hands before throwing a few punches into the air. He grabs a mike from the ring announcer.)

SH: I've come out here to prove that I don't play games. I dominated in my match against Courtney, despite the interference by Ecosystem. I am the biggest, strongest, toughest, and most hardcore of competitors here in the PHWF. And I'm not letting anyone else get in my way.

Alt... you've fought long and hard through a lot of shit to get where you are... but that's in the Other Federation. We're all starting from an equal point here... and I know that I deserve the PHWF World Championship more than you or anyone else here does. I know it... the fans know it... and deep in your heart, you know it. I'm Spin Freakin' Hansen...

And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it.

[Chris Eco]

(Kenji is beating up Ecosystem when BRICK~! runs in.)

BRICK~!: Yikes! Get off him!

(Kenji gets off Eco.)

Kenji: You are a disgrace to Asians!

(Kenji walks off.)

BRICK~!: What did you do to him?

Eco: I insulted his grammar over in the other fed.

BRICK~!: Speaking of which, did you realize you're facing The Knife in two separate tournaments?

Eco: Really? So if I go break his knee, it's like I win two matches.

BRICK~!: That doesn't seem nice.

Eco: Well, I think I'm a heel.

BRICK~!: But you're....not, really.

(Courtney Shaw walks in.)

Courtney: You!

Eco: Hey, Courtney. How are you?

(Courtney slaps him. HARD.)

BRICK~!: What happened? Did you not pay her child support?

(Courtney slaps BRICK~!)

Courtney: OWW!!

BRICK~!: Sorry. I'm a brick.

Eco: So what's your beef?

Courtney: YOU COST ME MY MATCH!

Eco: That's debatable.

Courtney: NO IT'S NOT!

Eco: Sure it is. Say we went back in time and stopped me from coming out, and then Spin beat you anyway. That would have been embarassing. You saved face because of me.

Courtney: I guess so...wait...NO! I WAS GOING TO WIN!

BRICK~!: She's smart.

Eco: Who knew?

Courtney: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Eco: Ummmmmmm...Look! A distraction!

Courtney: Where?

(Courtney turns around. Eco and BRICK~! run away.)

Courtney: Oh. Darn.

[Loki]

Kenji is walking down the hall, accompanied by a small Asian midget when he is stopped by Redneck Female Journalist.

RFJ: [spitting a wad of chewing tobacco on the floor]: Sheee-it! A real live Chinaman! Dayymn! Jethro ‘ll never believe this!

Kenji looks at the woman and starts talking in Japanese.

RFJ: Whut? Honey, I don’t speak no Chinaman talk. [begins speaks slowly and loudly] I SPEAK ENGLISH. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH?

Kenji speaks again in Japanese. The midget responds to Kenji in Japanese.

RFJ: Uhmm. Let’s see. DO YOU-EH SPEAK-EH SPANISH-EH? Uhmm…. YO QUIERO TACO BELL?

Kenji: [speaking in Japanese to the midget]: <What did she say?>

Midget: [responding in Japanese] <She thinks you’re good looking and wants to have sex with you while being rubbed down with Taco Bell chalupas.>

Kenji looks at RFJ with a look of horror. She smiles a bucktooth grin and waves. Kenji’s nerve breaks and he runs away.

RFJ: Whut jus’ happened there?

Midget: [speaking in English] He was hit in the head by something called BRICK~!. It affected his speech and hearing centers. He can no longer understand or speak English. Luckily for him, there happened to be a Japanese midget who just happens to be fluent in English hanging around this place. In the proud history of wrestling midgets and cheap comedy writers everywhere, I will serve as his loyal sidekick and translator.

RFJ: Wowzers! Back in Arkansas we never had you slanty eyed peoples! This is the first time I’ve ever seen one of youse not in a chop-sockey movie!

Midget: <That’s because no self respecting person would get within a thousand miles of your inbred state. Hopefully you’ll all breed yourselves sterile within the next generation>

RFJ: [spits some more tobacco on the floor] Whut?

Midget: I was speaking in my native tongue. I said that your home state must be very lovely. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go.


**** fade scene ****

[Mikey]

[Johnny Adrenaline is carrying his golf bag thur the back of the arena when Jane the Mic Stand stops him.]

JTMS: Johnny, how do ya feel about your quarterfinal match with Moosehead Jack?

JA: Well, Jane, to be honest about... wait a second. Moosehead Jack?

JTMS: Yeah, Moosehead Jack.

JA: [gulp] Um...

[Johnny just starts laughing]

JTMS: What's so funny?

JA: I guess I'll just have to pack two guns then.

[Johnny smiles, flips his sunglasses back down, and goes about his business.]

[Jack Quinn]

Johnny opens the trunt and tosses his bag in the back, slams the lid and turns around to leave.....and gets jumped my Moosehead Jack!

Jack catches Johnny in the face with a straight punch, then bounces his head off the side of the car. The whole time Jane the Mic stand is standing there screaming. Jack pulls a chain out of his pocket and wraps it around his fist and pummels Johnny in the face, opening a gash on Johnny's head and getting blood all over his nice new polo shirt. Jack tosses Johnny on top of the car, the two fight for a moment before Moose kicks Adrenaline and DDT's him INTO THE WINDSHIELD! Johnny remains planted face first into the windshield as Moose gets to his feet, he grabs Adrenaline's head and pulls it back so we can see a barely conscious Johnny

MHJ: Laugh it up funny man. Capslock escaped, his time is coming, only thing is, he won't know when it will be. You, my friend, you have the luxury of knowing exactly when I am coming for you. February 15th Adrenaline. February 15th, you bleed to death in the ring, you got that?

<Jack slams Adrenaline's face into the windshield one more time then walks away>

[Concrete TG]

(CTG is still trying to make sense of FFC's tactics)

CTG: there is NO reason someone in this league should be shot!

FFC: why not?

CTG: this competition is not life-or-death - it's a competition!

FFC- I've heard what some people will do in this division, are you sure about that?

CTG: I simply think that a firearm is not necessary even in a dangerous division like the N-sanity division. This isn't the Hardcore division, after all!

FFC: okay, Mr. Superhero, what would you have used?

CTG: Rapid-fore -

FFC: A-HA!!

CTG:: *Ahem* Rapid fire wit and well placed corkscrew legdrop.

FFC: Damn......

[williamssl]

The Scene: A tropical beach

Karl Rove sits in a beach chair under an umbrella, his face covered with zinc oxide. A shirtless Sawyer approaches, carrying suntan lotion.

Sawyer: You look like you're catching too much sun, white boy.

Rove: Yeah I forgot to oil up. Those hard-to-reach places get me every time.

Sawyer: If you like, I could....oil you up.

Rove: Um....I would like that. I would like that a lot.

Sawyer squirts suntan lotion on Rove's back. He then begins to rub it in....

"ROVE!!! Wake up. We've gotta talk wrestling!"

Karl Rove comes to consciousness at the loud command issued by Barry Goldwater's head.

Rove: Dammit. I was having another one of my dreams. And you woke me before we got to the good part.

Jack Kemp's head: Tough, Rove. Tex has a match against S-Y-B we gotta talk about.

Nixon's head: Yeah. He's fighting a Jew. Jews can't wrestle.

Rove: Well there's Goldberg...

Nixon: I rest my case.

Reagan's head: I'd like some juice. Orange please.

Kemp: Well...Tex has learned a few things but I wouldn't call him a wrestler yet.

Rove: Most importantly, he's got his theme music. The Refreshment's "Theme from King of the Hill"

Nixon: As far as moves go, he can do the filibuster - his version of a bronco buster.

Goldwater: And we did teach him that great finishing move - Trickle Down Economics. He stands over his fallen opponent and pisses on his/her head.

Kemp: Ever see Scotty Too Hotty do his finishing move "The Worm"? The setup is too long that it allows opponents time to recover. He never lands it...unless he's on Velocity or Heat against a jobber. Tex has about the same chance of ever landing this move successfully.

Nixon: S-Y-B is jobber......

Rove: True, true. But given his lack of experience, Tex at this stage should be considered a jobber too.

Kemp: Two jobbers going at it? Should be interesting.

A shrill female's voice interrupts them. "Oh boooooooooys!"

Rove, Tex, and the four heads of Nixon, Kemp, Goldwater, and Reagan turn around to encounter...the preserved tits of Anna Nicole Smith in a jar similar to the jar each of the Presidents' heads are in.

Goldwater: What the hell is she doing here?

Rove: Well, Tex needs a valet. Successful wrestlers have valets. Look at Macho Man/Elizabeth. Anna Nicole's talking preserved tits will be his valet. Now let's get back to training so we can whoop this jew's ass! But first, I need to take another nap.

Tex: What's that white stuff all over your face?

<scene fades>

[Sparty]

*MGB stands in the backstage area with Random Bimbo #9*

RB#9: I am here with MGB who will face LD Williams in the second round of the PHWF Championship Tournament on Thursday

MGB: AHEM! Let's try this again. What you meant to say is: "I am here with future PHWF Champion MGB, who will use LD Williams' head as a speedbag Thursday night as he advances in the PHWF Championship Tournament." Got it?

RB#9: I am here with future PHWF Champion MGB, who will use LD Williams' head as a speedbag Thursday night as he advances in the PHWF Championship Tournament. Is that good?

MGB: Much, much better. Carry on.

RB#9: MGB, you have said that you will use LD's head as a speedbag. How do you intend on doing that?

MGB: By dismantling and dominating him like I did The Knife. That ended up being a pretty dull knife, that's for certain!

RB#9: But what if you can't do that, what will you do then?

MGB: What if I can't do that? What if I can't do that? You cannot be serious because I am what I say I am and that is a Wrestling Messiah! Even though I am a Wrestling Messiah, it is obvious that GM Pun is attempting to sabatoge my run to the PHWF Championship by matching me up against these opponents. A man of my stature, A WRESTLING MESSIAH, for crying out loud, should be given his choice of opponents. I have earned that right. This is beyond ridiculous. When I defeat Williams, I will wait and see if my draw is unfair in the semifinals and if it is, there will be hell to pay for you Pun. Mark my words: There will be hell to pay.

RB#9: Well, there you have it. It will be MGB vs. LD Williams in the second round of the PHWF Championship Tournament on Thursday. Should be a good one!

[Chris Eco]

(Ecosystem bumps into Knife in the hallway.)

Knife: Sloth. So we meet again.

Eco: You know...it really hurts me that you call me Sloth. Like, couldn't I possibly be like, a BETTER deadly sin?

Knife: They're all sins. They're all bad.

Eco: Okay...then like, a more ungooder one.

Knife: You mean a worse one?

Eco: Yes.

Knife: Well, I think Sloth fits. For instance, what's that in your hand?

Eco: A steel chair.

Knife: Why did you bring it?

Eco: To hit you with.

Knife: Why didn't you hit me with it.

Eco: Because it would take effort...

Knife: See?

Eco: Oh yeah? Well...um...

(BRICK~! nails Knife with a steel chair.)

Eco: Thanks buddy.

BRICK~!: Any time. So, are you writing any matches?

(Pause.)

Eco: You just broke, like, twenty levels of kayfabe.

BRICK~!: Why?

Eco: You're implying we don't exist!

BRICK~!: But...Kenji does it all the time!

Eco: Yeah, but Kenji's writers don't really exist! So there's another layer!

BRICK~!: Looks like you broke that layer now too.

Eco: Shoot. Turn the camera off.

BRICK~!: THERE IS NO CAMERA! WE DON'T EXIST!

Eco: DUDE! SHUT UP!

BRICK~!: WE'RE NOT EVEN IN A PLACE! WE'RE IN A NEUTRAL HALLWAY!

(BRICK~! has an asthma attack.)

Eco: Breathe, man, breathe!

BRICK~!: (using his inhaler) Okay. I'm okay.

Eco: Good.

BRICK~!: So, are you booking any matches?

(Pause.)

Eco: Now you're acknowledging that wrestling is fake...

BRICK~!: But we still exist.

Helen Mirren: I think that's reasonable.

Eco: Whatever. I'll tell you when the camera is off.

BRICK~!: What cam--

(Eco shoots a look.)

BRICK~!: Oh. (Winks.) THAT camera.

Helen Mirren: You know, Knife has been down an awfully long time. Perhaps we should look down and check on him.

Eco: I don't really want to have to bend over. BRICK~!?

(BRICK~! looks.)

BRICK~!: Hey, he's gone.

(Knife comes back with a sandwich.)

Knife: Sorry, there was a long period of time.

Eco: It's cool. Did you want to fight?

Knife: Well, yes, I fully intend to smite you, since you are in fact an evil sinner. But I intend to do it in the ring, where I can truly prove my mettle. For as it is written--

(Helen Mirren hits Knife with a steel chair.)

Eco: Wow. Helen Mirren has a nice swing.

[Batman]

[Ryan Who Loves Punk]

*"The Indy Sensation" Ryan Tab is being interviewed by an Elegant Metrosexual Male Journalist*

EMMJ: Now, Mr. Tab, I know you think you're FAAAAAANTAAABULOUS, but Ryan Insert claims you're stealing just about every gimmick related piece of information from him.

Ryan: I know, but I thought of it before he did.

EMMJ: Yes, it's certainly brilliant. You see, the other cOOmpany had a guy named Alt, then a guy named Capslock which was humouros because of how they're both keys on a keyboard, and now Insert is funny for just that reason. And now Tab is just a master stroke. I wonder what CRAAAAZY gimmicks the PHWF will have next!

Ryan: Are you being sarcastic?

EMMJ: Also, he referred to you as a "hobbit". What is up with that?????

Ryan: I, uh, have no idea what he's talking about. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to fight a match against someone who apparently coincidentally thought of a similar gimmick as me after I did. IT HAPPENS, ALRIGHT? Anyways, he better watch out for my amazing innovative finisher, the Tabula Rasa. It's not like Insert's finisher- it's inverted. Word. I mean, Justice! I mean, uh, crap, what's a catchphrase- there's no way he's coming out alive!

EMMJ: Insert?

Ryan: Yeah.

EMMJ: You plan on killing him? What has he done to you?

Ryan: He, uh, stole my gimmick.

EMMJ: I thought it was a coincidence.

Ryan: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!

[Attitude Adjuster]

Attitude Adjuster is laying down a last-minute interview before PHWF Card #2.

SFJ #40: Attitude Adjuster, you're facing Chris Cole this week in the second round of the PHWF World title tournament. What do you have to say?

AA: Who ever I'm facing this week, I'm gonna kick your ass. I'm sure you've done something to me that pisses me off, and I'm going to take revenge. And so in whatever kind of match we have, I'm going to do that to you and you're going to regret it.

SFJ#40: You have no idea who you're facing, do you?

AA: Nope, just filling time until the next check comes in. But I do want to say that Figuire Foreskin is the GREATEST BESTEST BOOKERMAN OF ALL TIME EVER ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH! So remember that when you decides who wins, OK? And that box of chocolates from a "secret admirer"? That was me.

SFJ#40: Well, at least he honest.