PHWF 3: Ultimate N-Sanity
Mar 1, 2007 3:05:13 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Mar 1, 2007 3:05:13 GMT -5
PHWF 3: Ultimate N-Sanity
JF- Welcome to PHWF action LIVE via webcast on a lovely Sunday afternoon, I am Joey Fashions and with me as always in Don East
DE- Its not Sunday is it?
JF- Sure it is.
DE- Are you sure, because acording to my watch its Thursday the 1st.
JF- Nope. Sunday the 25th, your watch is wrong.
DE- Wierd. Well I gotta change it then. Who wants to buy my watch!? Operators are standing by!
JF- That's a good boy Don. So today we have only five matches but every single one is VITAL! The PHWF Tag Team Champions The Chickenshit Heels who's championship reign predates the league itself will, for the first time, put these belts on the line in a PHWF ring.
DE- So they haphazardly created these belts in a promo.
JF- Yes.
DE- And based upon that this league was created.
JF- Pretty much.
DE- And they couldn't find anyone who could get the damn things written on time?
JF- No. He was busy.
DE- Couldn't he have...
JF- HE WAS BUSY!
DE- I mean, three days later?
JF- Look Don, its a shiny new knife!
DE- And if you act now, we'll throw in this SHINY NEW KNIFE!
JF- Also, Chris Cole will face Matt "Gimmickman" Brown and Moosehead Jack will face Chris Alt in the semifinals of our PHWF Championship Tournamment to crown our first PHWF Champion. After three weeks the 16 men have been whittled down to 4 and after today we will have only two.
DE- Who could they possible be?!
JF- Probibly Cole or MGB and Jack or Alt?
DE- Good guesses! I'm going with S-Y-B and Courtney!
JF- ...you astound me...also tonight the FIRST EVER Ultimate-N match for the N-Sanity Division Championship. Six men will battle for everything they have to crown the title so insane its named N-Sanity!
DE- Jeez Louise!
JF- But next we have the match to decide who the first man our new PHWF Champion will face will be. Spin Hansen will face LD Williams in what I'm sure will be one hell of a match. These are two of the most intense in-ring competitors we have and this match is sure to be awesome! Let's go down to the ring!
LD Williams vs. Spin Hansen
Winner Becomes the #1 contender for the PHWF Championship
Williams attacks Spin before the bell and the two brawl around the ring. The fight quickly spills out of the ring and they fight around ring side and into the crowd. Both men grab chairs and start swinging. Spin catches Williams on the side of the head with a chair shot, and blood pours from Williams ear. This only seems to infuriate Williams, so he takes his chair and throws it at Spin, bouncing it off of his head. Williams then grabs a beer bottle from a fan and smashes it into Spin’s face. Spin staggers and Williams drops him wit ha chair shot to the face. LDW grabs Spin and drags him back toward the ring, they stop to slam each other’s head into the announce table, Spin tries to whip LD Williams into the ring post, but Williams reverses it and sends Spin careening into the post face first. Williams pulls Spin’s head back and his face is a mess of blood, Williams drops several elbows across Spin’s face and nose, then rolls him under the bottom rope. Williams comes in and drops a knee right across Spin’s face, then covers and gets the two count. Williams pulls Spin to his feet and sends him to the ropes, and lowers his head a moment too soon, Spin puts on the breaks and lifts Williams up and powerbombs him to the mat. Spin covers, but Williams kicks out at two. Both men are slow to get to their feet, both have lost a lot of blood. Spin grabs Williams first and sends him to the ropes and tries a spine buster, but Williams hits him with a high knee to the face. Spin staggers, Williams spins him around, kicks him low and plants him with a DDT! Williams locks on the STF, making sure to grate his forearm against the cut on Spin’s head, Spin holds out as long as he can, but in the end, he is forced to tap.
Winner in 8:49- LD Williams
JF- Oh my God! I don't know if Spin Hansen has EVER tapped out. INCREDIBLE!
DE- We should look that up!
JF- Yeah...coming up NEXT we have a match for the PHWF Tag Team Titles. There's so many stories here! Capslock hates the Chickenshit Heels who hate him right back, Courtney hates Ecosystem, The GOP are Republicans, Gator is kind of a misogynist dickhead and Ryan is a pervert AND a mexican. GODDAMN this match is gonna be great!
DE- I FORGOT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!
JF- Wrestling.
DE- ...oh, I see.
PHWF Tag Team Championship Match
The Chickenshit Heels vs. FF Capslock and Ryan Insert vs. Courtney Shaw and Master Gator vs. The GOP
The entrances of this match take approximately 5000000 hours. Summary: TCH was cheered, FF shot a popcorn vendor whose goods were immediately raided, Anna Nicole Smith’s Boobs bounced out of their tank but were quickly caught by Tex, and Courtney jumped Ecosystem and started beating him up. The latter probably meant our match has begun!
Courtney whips Eco into the corner, where Ryan Insert tags in. Courtney tags in FF Capslock and chases Eco to the outside. FF immediately lies down and Insert jumps on top of him, but Johnny and AA run in and break up the pin. Johnny and AA throw the Date Raping Spic and Span into each other, and as they admire their handiwork, Tex and Gator run in and throw Johnny and AA into each other, and as they admire their handiwork, FF and Ryan have had time to get up, and throw Tex and Gator into each other, and as they admire their handiwork, a brick falls from the ceiling onto their heads. That may be Eco’s finisher. Eco runs back in for the cover, but Courtney breaks it up at one. She then tears a tag rope off the turnbuckle and chokes Eco and Ryan Insert with it, making both her and Eco the legal men.
JF – That doesn’t make any sense! The omnipotent narrator is wrong!
DE - JF, if you’re trying to figure out who the legal man is, you’re in the wrong job.
Courtney throws Eco in the corner, and proceeds to kick him in the balls over and over. This would ordinarily cause a disqualification, but the referee is Ecosystem’s ex-girlfriend, Condoleeza Rice. Ryan, moderately annoyed at being choked out, grabs Courtney and throws her over the ropes. He is immediately rolled up by Johnny Adrenaline, whose pin is broken up when he is kicked in the face by FF, who then Is the recipient of a neckbreaker from AA, who then takes a DDT from Gator, who then gets the jumping version of a Filibuster and some punches from Texas, who then takes a clothesline from Bill Clinton, who then attempts to solicit sexual favors from Courtney, who smashes him in the face with a steel chair. 7 MEN ARE DOWN!!
Ryan: I’m not!
Ecosystem spears Ryan.
Ryan: Ow.
Ecosystem goes for the pin, but is thrown off by Courtney. He lands on AA, and Courtney throws him off that pin too, but he lands on Gator, and is finally thrown off onto Bill Clinton. Meanwhile, FF grabs his gun and takes a shot at Johnny as he gets up, but Johnny ducks and manages to seize the gun and hand it off to Anna Nicole Smith’s Boobs. Out of all the floating body parts, she’s the only one for gun control. Johnny and FF roll out of the ring into the barricade, which causes a 700-pound drunken man who was leaning over anyway to fall on top of them. Meanwhile, Texas gives chase to Bill Clinton purely out of personal spite and runs out of the arena. Karl Rove tries to keep up, but is severely out of shape and collapses after 20 feet.
DE – We need EMTs out here!
JF – For a lot of reasons.
AA drop toeholds Ryan headfirst onto Gator’s crotch, who yells in pain. AA laughs at the PG-rated homoerotic picture he has created, when he is dropkicked out of the ring by Ecosystem. Courtney yanks Ecosystem from behind over her back and quickly delivers THE END~! 40 bricks fall from the ceiling upon the knockout of their compatriot, but they all miss Courtney and knock out more popcorn vendors.
Winner in 6:54 and NEW PHWF Tag Team Champions—Courtney Shaw and Master Gator
Courtney and Gator take their titles as Rocky music plays and they jump up and down. Gator spends too much time watching Courtney jump up and down, and gets slapped. Eco gets up and makes the international sign of “This isn’t over”, except he makes said sign from the audience, because he is eating the free popcorn. Meanwhile, Texas runs down the ramp, unaware of anything else that has happened, and pins Gator. MORAL VICTORY~!
JF- Oh my God! We have NEW PHWF Tag Team Champions! Courtney Shaw and Mastor Gator have managed to win the belts in their first match as a team! This is Russo-rific!
DE- I agree with every dicision Russo ever made.
JF- You would, wouldn't you.
DE- What match is coming up after this?
JF- The "Main Event" Chris Cole will face Matt "Gimmickman" Brown. This match will be incredible! These two men are two of the top competitors in the world and either one could easily win the PHWF Championship.
DE- They'll have to win this match first though, Joey!
JF- ...right.
Chris Cole vs. MGB
PHWF Championship Tournament Semi-Final Match
In this match up of two heels the crowd doesn’t know who to cheer so they boo the hell out of both men. Both men sneer at the audience and meet in the center of the ring, they each offer a disingenuous handshake of friendship. As soon as they lock hands both begin trading punches. The larger MGB gets the better of the exchange and sends Cole to the ropes and drops him to the mat with a shoulderblock. MGB grabs Cole and scoops him up and plants him on the mat, then hits the ropes and drops a big elbow across Cole’s chest. MGB covers and gets two before Cole kicks out. MGB pulls Cole to a sitting position and locks on chinlock, putting his weight on Cole to suffocate him. Cole fights out of the hold by going to the eyes. Cole gets to his feet and MGB tries a clothesline from hell, but Cole ducks it and hits a release German suplex on MGB. Cole slips out of the ring and pulls MGB out of the ring by his head and drops an elbow across his throat. Cole slides back into the ring and slingshots MGB’s throat off the bottom rope, then covers him but can only get a two count. Cole climbs the ropes and tries an elbow but MGB gets his boot up in time and catches him right in the jaw. MGB gets to his feet and takes over with a series of haymakers that backs Cole into the corner. He whips him across the ring to the opposite corner and follows him in with a big clothesline. Cole staggers out of the corner and MGB Scoops him up for the Stock Market Crash, but Cole wiggles free, rolls MGB up, grabs a hand full of tights and gets the tainted three count.
Winner in 9:21- Chris Cole
JF- Oh my God! He grabbed the tights! He's a cheater!
DE- Why's that?
JF- Because grabbing the tights is illegal.
DE- Really? That's stupid. You can closed-fisted punch a guy in the face but you can't grab his tights?
JF- Well, you're not supposed to have a closed fist either.
DE- That happens all the time!
JF- Yeah, I know...
DE- I mean, what's the penalty!?
JF- The ref tells you to stop and...uh...you had better, or else.
DE- Handful of tights, eh.
JF- Yup...cheating bastard, that Cole.
DE- You know it.
JF- Welcome to PHWF action LIVE via webcast on a lovely Sunday afternoon, I am Joey Fashions and with me as always in Don East
DE- Its not Sunday is it?
JF- Sure it is.
DE- Are you sure, because acording to my watch its Thursday the 1st.
JF- Nope. Sunday the 25th, your watch is wrong.
DE- Wierd. Well I gotta change it then. Who wants to buy my watch!? Operators are standing by!
JF- That's a good boy Don. So today we have only five matches but every single one is VITAL! The PHWF Tag Team Champions The Chickenshit Heels who's championship reign predates the league itself will, for the first time, put these belts on the line in a PHWF ring.
DE- So they haphazardly created these belts in a promo.
JF- Yes.
DE- And based upon that this league was created.
JF- Pretty much.
DE- And they couldn't find anyone who could get the damn things written on time?
JF- No. He was busy.
DE- Couldn't he have...
JF- HE WAS BUSY!
DE- I mean, three days later?
JF- Look Don, its a shiny new knife!
DE- And if you act now, we'll throw in this SHINY NEW KNIFE!
JF- Also, Chris Cole will face Matt "Gimmickman" Brown and Moosehead Jack will face Chris Alt in the semifinals of our PHWF Championship Tournamment to crown our first PHWF Champion. After three weeks the 16 men have been whittled down to 4 and after today we will have only two.
DE- Who could they possible be?!
JF- Probibly Cole or MGB and Jack or Alt?
DE- Good guesses! I'm going with S-Y-B and Courtney!
JF- ...you astound me...also tonight the FIRST EVER Ultimate-N match for the N-Sanity Division Championship. Six men will battle for everything they have to crown the title so insane its named N-Sanity!
DE- Jeez Louise!
JF- But next we have the match to decide who the first man our new PHWF Champion will face will be. Spin Hansen will face LD Williams in what I'm sure will be one hell of a match. These are two of the most intense in-ring competitors we have and this match is sure to be awesome! Let's go down to the ring!
LD Williams vs. Spin Hansen
Winner Becomes the #1 contender for the PHWF Championship
Williams attacks Spin before the bell and the two brawl around the ring. The fight quickly spills out of the ring and they fight around ring side and into the crowd. Both men grab chairs and start swinging. Spin catches Williams on the side of the head with a chair shot, and blood pours from Williams ear. This only seems to infuriate Williams, so he takes his chair and throws it at Spin, bouncing it off of his head. Williams then grabs a beer bottle from a fan and smashes it into Spin’s face. Spin staggers and Williams drops him wit ha chair shot to the face. LDW grabs Spin and drags him back toward the ring, they stop to slam each other’s head into the announce table, Spin tries to whip LD Williams into the ring post, but Williams reverses it and sends Spin careening into the post face first. Williams pulls Spin’s head back and his face is a mess of blood, Williams drops several elbows across Spin’s face and nose, then rolls him under the bottom rope. Williams comes in and drops a knee right across Spin’s face, then covers and gets the two count. Williams pulls Spin to his feet and sends him to the ropes, and lowers his head a moment too soon, Spin puts on the breaks and lifts Williams up and powerbombs him to the mat. Spin covers, but Williams kicks out at two. Both men are slow to get to their feet, both have lost a lot of blood. Spin grabs Williams first and sends him to the ropes and tries a spine buster, but Williams hits him with a high knee to the face. Spin staggers, Williams spins him around, kicks him low and plants him with a DDT! Williams locks on the STF, making sure to grate his forearm against the cut on Spin’s head, Spin holds out as long as he can, but in the end, he is forced to tap.
Winner in 8:49- LD Williams
JF- Oh my God! I don't know if Spin Hansen has EVER tapped out. INCREDIBLE!
DE- We should look that up!
JF- Yeah...coming up NEXT we have a match for the PHWF Tag Team Titles. There's so many stories here! Capslock hates the Chickenshit Heels who hate him right back, Courtney hates Ecosystem, The GOP are Republicans, Gator is kind of a misogynist dickhead and Ryan is a pervert AND a mexican. GODDAMN this match is gonna be great!
DE- I FORGOT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!
JF- Wrestling.
DE- ...oh, I see.
PHWF Tag Team Championship Match
The Chickenshit Heels vs. FF Capslock and Ryan Insert vs. Courtney Shaw and Master Gator vs. The GOP
The entrances of this match take approximately 5000000 hours. Summary: TCH was cheered, FF shot a popcorn vendor whose goods were immediately raided, Anna Nicole Smith’s Boobs bounced out of their tank but were quickly caught by Tex, and Courtney jumped Ecosystem and started beating him up. The latter probably meant our match has begun!
Courtney whips Eco into the corner, where Ryan Insert tags in. Courtney tags in FF Capslock and chases Eco to the outside. FF immediately lies down and Insert jumps on top of him, but Johnny and AA run in and break up the pin. Johnny and AA throw the Date Raping Spic and Span into each other, and as they admire their handiwork, Tex and Gator run in and throw Johnny and AA into each other, and as they admire their handiwork, FF and Ryan have had time to get up, and throw Tex and Gator into each other, and as they admire their handiwork, a brick falls from the ceiling onto their heads. That may be Eco’s finisher. Eco runs back in for the cover, but Courtney breaks it up at one. She then tears a tag rope off the turnbuckle and chokes Eco and Ryan Insert with it, making both her and Eco the legal men.
JF – That doesn’t make any sense! The omnipotent narrator is wrong!
DE - JF, if you’re trying to figure out who the legal man is, you’re in the wrong job.
Courtney throws Eco in the corner, and proceeds to kick him in the balls over and over. This would ordinarily cause a disqualification, but the referee is Ecosystem’s ex-girlfriend, Condoleeza Rice. Ryan, moderately annoyed at being choked out, grabs Courtney and throws her over the ropes. He is immediately rolled up by Johnny Adrenaline, whose pin is broken up when he is kicked in the face by FF, who then Is the recipient of a neckbreaker from AA, who then takes a DDT from Gator, who then gets the jumping version of a Filibuster and some punches from Texas, who then takes a clothesline from Bill Clinton, who then attempts to solicit sexual favors from Courtney, who smashes him in the face with a steel chair. 7 MEN ARE DOWN!!
Ryan: I’m not!
Ecosystem spears Ryan.
Ryan: Ow.
Ecosystem goes for the pin, but is thrown off by Courtney. He lands on AA, and Courtney throws him off that pin too, but he lands on Gator, and is finally thrown off onto Bill Clinton. Meanwhile, FF grabs his gun and takes a shot at Johnny as he gets up, but Johnny ducks and manages to seize the gun and hand it off to Anna Nicole Smith’s Boobs. Out of all the floating body parts, she’s the only one for gun control. Johnny and FF roll out of the ring into the barricade, which causes a 700-pound drunken man who was leaning over anyway to fall on top of them. Meanwhile, Texas gives chase to Bill Clinton purely out of personal spite and runs out of the arena. Karl Rove tries to keep up, but is severely out of shape and collapses after 20 feet.
DE – We need EMTs out here!
JF – For a lot of reasons.
AA drop toeholds Ryan headfirst onto Gator’s crotch, who yells in pain. AA laughs at the PG-rated homoerotic picture he has created, when he is dropkicked out of the ring by Ecosystem. Courtney yanks Ecosystem from behind over her back and quickly delivers THE END~! 40 bricks fall from the ceiling upon the knockout of their compatriot, but they all miss Courtney and knock out more popcorn vendors.
Winner in 6:54 and NEW PHWF Tag Team Champions—Courtney Shaw and Master Gator
Courtney and Gator take their titles as Rocky music plays and they jump up and down. Gator spends too much time watching Courtney jump up and down, and gets slapped. Eco gets up and makes the international sign of “This isn’t over”, except he makes said sign from the audience, because he is eating the free popcorn. Meanwhile, Texas runs down the ramp, unaware of anything else that has happened, and pins Gator. MORAL VICTORY~!
JF- Oh my God! We have NEW PHWF Tag Team Champions! Courtney Shaw and Mastor Gator have managed to win the belts in their first match as a team! This is Russo-rific!
DE- I agree with every dicision Russo ever made.
JF- You would, wouldn't you.
DE- What match is coming up after this?
JF- The "Main Event" Chris Cole will face Matt "Gimmickman" Brown. This match will be incredible! These two men are two of the top competitors in the world and either one could easily win the PHWF Championship.
DE- They'll have to win this match first though, Joey!
JF- ...right.
Chris Cole vs. MGB
PHWF Championship Tournament Semi-Final Match
In this match up of two heels the crowd doesn’t know who to cheer so they boo the hell out of both men. Both men sneer at the audience and meet in the center of the ring, they each offer a disingenuous handshake of friendship. As soon as they lock hands both begin trading punches. The larger MGB gets the better of the exchange and sends Cole to the ropes and drops him to the mat with a shoulderblock. MGB grabs Cole and scoops him up and plants him on the mat, then hits the ropes and drops a big elbow across Cole’s chest. MGB covers and gets two before Cole kicks out. MGB pulls Cole to a sitting position and locks on chinlock, putting his weight on Cole to suffocate him. Cole fights out of the hold by going to the eyes. Cole gets to his feet and MGB tries a clothesline from hell, but Cole ducks it and hits a release German suplex on MGB. Cole slips out of the ring and pulls MGB out of the ring by his head and drops an elbow across his throat. Cole slides back into the ring and slingshots MGB’s throat off the bottom rope, then covers him but can only get a two count. Cole climbs the ropes and tries an elbow but MGB gets his boot up in time and catches him right in the jaw. MGB gets to his feet and takes over with a series of haymakers that backs Cole into the corner. He whips him across the ring to the opposite corner and follows him in with a big clothesline. Cole staggers out of the corner and MGB Scoops him up for the Stock Market Crash, but Cole wiggles free, rolls MGB up, grabs a hand full of tights and gets the tainted three count.
Winner in 9:21- Chris Cole
JF- Oh my God! He grabbed the tights! He's a cheater!
DE- Why's that?
JF- Because grabbing the tights is illegal.
DE- Really? That's stupid. You can closed-fisted punch a guy in the face but you can't grab his tights?
JF- Well, you're not supposed to have a closed fist either.
DE- That happens all the time!
JF- Yeah, I know...
DE- I mean, what's the penalty!?
JF- The ref tells you to stop and...uh...you had better, or else.
DE- Handful of tights, eh.
JF- Yup...cheating bastard, that Cole.
DE- You know it.
