[Andy]

PHWF Championship Tournament Finals for the PHWF Heavyweight Title
Chris Alt vs. Chris Cole

PHWF N-Sanity Championship Match
Concrete TG vs. Viet Cong Viper vs. The Knife

PHWF Tag Team Championship Match
Courtney Shaw & Mastor Gator vs. The GOP

PHWF N-Sanity Title #1 Contender's Battle Royal
Ryan Insert vs. Ryan Tab vs. Kenji vs. S-Y-B vs. Johnny Adrenaline

FF Capslock vs. Moosehead Jack

Spin Hansen vs. MGB

Attitude Adjuster vs. LD Williams

[The Knife]

Viet Cong Viper is walking down a hallway when he hears a sound, stops and turns around just in time to catch a Stab Superkick before it hits him.

TK- You're getting good at that.

VCV- Its what I do.

TK- So...uh...see ya 'round the watercooler, I guess. You know where Concrete is?

[Capellan]

Chairman Liao notices the line-up. He produces a brush and swiftly scribes several Chinese characters next to LD Williams's match.

A translation floats up on screen:

Attitude Adjuster vs. LD Williams (w/Chairman Liao)

[actual translation for those at home who can read Chinese: Attitude Adjuster vs. LD Williams (Tree Spoon Fish)]

[Attitude Adjuster]

Attitude Adjuster and Johnny Adrenaline are in their locker room…or at least inside a door that happens to have their names scrawled on a piece of paper Scotch taped to the outside.

JA: So we lost the belts that we never won.

AA: Yep.

JA: To a girl.

AA: Uh-huh.

JA: And neither one of us were pinned.

AA: True.

JA: And it seems like we’re faces.

AA: Yeah.

JA: You’re not a messed up cowboy here, right?

AA: Correct.

JA: And now we’re in singles matches.

AA: Right.

JA: Is there any reason we’re still hanging out together?

AA: Nope.

JA: Time for the tag team breakup angle?

AA: Probably.

JA: You want to be the face or the heel?

AA: Dunno. You?

JA: Being a face sucks. Can we both be tweeners?

AA: Maybe.

JA: Country Club Death Match?

AA: Possibly.

JA: What’s with all the one-word answers?

AA takes out a legal notepad and begins writing: I’m on strike until we get better working conditions. (rip, goes to new piece of paper)

The Posse isn’t here. (rip, goes to new piece of paper)

The writing sucks. I mean, come on, there wasn’t even a pinfall in our match. (rip, OK, you get it by now)

My last three checks bounced and now my bookie is after me for cash I don’t have.

My cell phone doesn’t work in these small-ass arenas…

…so I can’t get any bets down. You know I missed Texas –1.5 against Texas A&M last night? It was money!

And the NCAA Tournament is in two weeks. If I can’t bet the tournament, some heads are going to roll around here.

Plus, I have to face LD Williams. You know I’m gonna get my ass kicked.

They’re making me a jobber!

I bet they don’t even respect tag team wrestling at this place.

And to top it all off, the booker comes to my home town and doesn’t even tell me.

So see if I cut a promo for him any time soon.

JA: You done?

AA: Nope. Just ran out of paper.

[The Jewish Cunthead]

S-Y-B encased in a body cast staggers out of the trainer's room. He looks down to see "Trust me" written across his genitals. "I don't fucking appreciate that Jack! When these scratches heal, it's gonna be me and you like Ringo & Holliday, like Mad Max & MasterBlaster, like Balboa & Creed. Say when fucko, say when."

A well-placed leaflet is at his feet. He reads aloud, "PHWF N-Sanity Title #1 Contender's Battle Royal Ryan Insert vs. Ryan Tab vs. Kenji vs. S-Y-B vs. Johnny Adrenaline."

"Fucking Pun. I should be in the title match tonight. He saw how I dominated last week and now I gotta slum with these fucking mouthbreathers. Look at this list:

Ryan Insert? Sounds like a fluffer for gay porn.

Ryan Tab? His balls haven't even dropped yet he doesn't mind someone dropping them in his mouth.

Kenji? Is that a guy? A girl? Ahh shit that's just loki behind a mask. He's suffered enough being in Cleveland.

Ahhh good ole JA. I thought I smelled chickenshit. You're gonna be the Jannetty to AA's HBK, the Anvil to his Hit Man. Basically you have no shittin' business being in my ring and I'm gonna prove it tonight! ... but first I need to sculpt the guns."

S-Y-B hobbles to the weight room...

[Jack Quinn]

<SFJ In Training catches up with Moosehead Jack>

SFJIT: Moose how do you feel about losing in the PHWF Tournament?

MHJ: How do I feel? It's real simple. I am pretty pissed off right about now, and there is one man who is going to have to pay for that. Capslock, you shot me, twice. Now, being the reasonable man that I am, I can live with that, hell I would do the same thing to you if I had the chance. But the fact is, you doing what you did cost me a shot at becoming the first PHWF champion. Now what are we going to do about that? Lock, look real close. Look into my eyes and tell me what you see?

You see the man who is going to bleed you dry this week. Capslock, take a real good look at this face, because it is going to be the last thing you ever see.

Trust me

[punk/core]

[Large-Breasted Redheaded Interviewer backstage talking with Ryan Insert]

Large-Breasted Redhead: You sure are in a good mood for a guy who is 0-3 so far in the league. Do you finally think you're luck is gonna turn around?

Ryan Insert: Honey, I know that it is. I should be one half of the Tag Team Champions right now, but that's fine... me and Capslock will get those belts soon enough. But right now, he's got his own agenda with Moose, and I've got my eyes set firmly on snatching that N-Sanity Title from Concrete.

LBR: But still, you have to go through four other opponents to even get a shot at the title.

Insert: Which I have no problem doing. And which I will do.

LBR: That's what you keep saying, though... and you have yet to even score your first win. What's different this time around?

Insert: Because I know what's at stake. If I don't blast through those four other guys, who knows when I might get another shot at the N-Sanity Title. And that title should be mine.

LBR: Those are pretty cocky words.....

Insert: And why not? Sweetie, you know what the N-Sanity Title stands for? It's not about being a mat technition... it's about flippy shit. And when it comes to flippy shit, no one... NO ONE is better at it than me.

LBR: We've seen some pretty good flippy shit from the other boys though, why do you say you're so much better?

Insert: I was once ridding on my Flip skateboard, and did a backflip off a ramp. I saw Flip Wilson was watching me doing this, so I flipped him off.

LBR: Wow, that is pretty hardcore flippy.

Insert: Oh, and my girlfriend at the time? Filipino.

LBR: Amazing. Does my hair look pretty today?

Insert: It looks wonderful, but it's gonna be messed up in a little while. Look, what it comes down to is this: I will do anything it takes to get a shot at what should be my title... and when the match is over, I guarantee that four men will be thrown over that top rope, and I will not be one of them.

[Loki]

Kenji is standing in the hallway. The midget is next to him, reading the matches for this week.

Midget: [speaking in Japanese]<This week you face the gaijin Ryan Insert, Ryan Tab, S-Y-B and Johnny Adrenaline for the World Championship of the PHWF.>

Kenji: <Already? That is good news. However, we need to discuss what happened last week - >

A voice calls from the hallway: “Yoo-hoo! Fellers!” Redneck Female Journalist comes running down the hallway, her love handles flapping above her overstressed tight jeans like flags of surrender.

RFJ: [spitting tobacco onto the floor] This lovely feller here [she pats the Midget on the head. The Midget shoots her a look of pure hatred] told me you’re a Japanman, not a Chinaman. I didn’t think it made no difference. My boyfriend Rastus says you’re all slanty eyed gooks, anyway.

Kenji: [smiles blankly, speaks out of the corner of his mouth to the Midget] <What is this whal- , I mean, person, saying?>

Midget: <She knows of Sakyora, the fugitive enemy of the nation of Japan who is to be executed on sight according to the emperor. He is living in this country under the alias of “Rastus”. I am attempting to determine more information.>

Kenji: <Ah. Very good.>

Midget: Is there a point to this, ma’am?

RFJ: Sheee---oot! Where’s me manners? My momma taught me better ‘n this! [spits some tobacco into her hand and holds it out to Kenji and the Midget] Y’all want some tabaccy? Premium stuff!

Kenji: [recoils in horror] <Ah! What is that?>

Midget: A dead pig fetus. People in Arkansas consider it a great delicacy and carry a piece in their mouths at all times. She is offering a piece to you. It would be a dishonor to refuse.>

Kenji: <Ah, no. Tell her I said thank you, but that I am, ah – allergic to pork fetuses.>

Midget: [to RFJ] He thanks you, and says you are as lovely to gaze upon as a lotus water blossom. He will gladly take you up on your offer, but later. Preferably over a romantic candlelight dinner.

RFJ: [fans herself] You sweet talker, you! [slaps Kenji on the ass] There’s more where that came from, sugar! [she waddles away]

[Loki]

Kenji: <What happened last week? You told me that the match was a weapons match!>

Midget: <The commissioner must have changed his mind without telling us. What can you expect from such foreign dogs?>

Kenji: <So, what are the stipulations this week?>

Midget: <None. They have decided that you are too extreme for the N-Sanity belt and are instead moving you straight into a championship bout.> [steps quickly aside as lightning strikes the spot where he was just standing.]