PHWF 4: Alt vs. Cole
Mar 5, 2007 17:08:43 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Mar 5, 2007 17:08:43 GMT -5
PHWF 4: Alt vs Cole
JF- Hello and welcome to PHWF 4: Alt vs. Cole! Who will become our first ever PHWF Champion, "Altrageous" Chris Alt or "The Main Event" Chris Cole? Find out, LIVE here tonight! I am Joey Fashions and Don East could not make it tonight. Sitting in for him is formor WWF Heavyweight Champion of the World, The Iron Shiek!
IS- Hello Joey, Pleasure for me to be in Pun's House Wrestling Fedooration. I am Word Wrestling Fedooration Champwin Iron Shiek. I wrestled Madison Square Garden New York City, most famous city in the word! Most famous arena in the word. Pleasure for me!
JF- Can someone find Don?
IS- PHWF #1! OOWF Hack-ptooie!
JF- While I agree with you there, we probably should say that. Tonight we have the culmanation of our four week long tournament to crown our first PHWF Champion. We have our N-Sanity Champion defending his title against Viet Cong Viper and The Knife. Our NEW PHWF Tag Team Champions Courtney Shaw and Mator Gator defend their titles for the first time against The GOP. Also we have the Five-man N-Sanity #1 Contender's battle royal. This is sure to be intense. Also FF Capslock faces his arch-rival Moosehead Jack, Our #1 PHWF Championship Contender LD Williams will face Attitude Adjuster and the man who made it to the final four of the PHWF Title Tournament MGB taking on the powerhouse Spin "Freaking" Hansen. Let's go down to the ring!
MGB vs. Spin Hansen
MGB comes out first and waits for Spin to join him in the ring, when Spin finally shows up MGB puts the boots to him as he tries to crawl into the ring. Spin powers up and knocks MGB down. Spin pulls MGB up and hits a big clothesline. He plays to the crowd and in punished for it by an uppercut to the groin. He does the international sign to the referee for, "hey I just got punched in the nuts, you gonna do anything about that?" MGB does a side russian legsweep and attempts a pin which gets two. He kicks Spin in the head as he tries to get up, then hits the ropes and drives a knee into the side of Spin's head. He grabs Spin and Spin throws him off and punches his way to his feet then hits a belly-to-belly suplex. He runs to the ropes and comes back dropping a big elbow. He tries a pin of his own which also gets two. He hypes the crowd again and picks MGB up and delivers a big powerbomb. He picks MGB up again, throws him to the corner and signals for Todesfall! He pulls MGB up to the toprope and MGB slips away and climps down to the floor. He grabs a chair and blatently creams Spin in front of the ref.
Winner in 5:44 by DQ- Spin Hansen
JF- Oh my God! He got DQ'ed on purpose rather than get pinned! That bastard! What do you think of that Shiek? Shiek? Where is Iron Shiek? Okay, I'm told that Iron Shiek has wondered off muttering about Madison Square Garden. Do we have anyone besides Don around?
Joey is joined at the desk by former WCW and WWE Champion Chris Benoit
JF- Oh my God! Its the Crippler! How are you!?
CB- Fine...
JF- So what do you think about what we just saw?
CB- That was something...
JF- ...yeah. It certainly was. So next we have our number one contender to the PHWF Championship facing the former Tag Team Champion Attitude Adjuster. Can Double-A fend off the man who is on a role in this league? What do you think, Chris!?
CB- I don't know. Maybe?
JF- LET'S FIND OUT!
LD Williams vs Attitude Adjuster
AA is out first and taunts the crowd while LD Williams, all business as usual, comes to the ring. Williams comes in and is immediately ready to fight, but AA buys some time and bails out of the ring. Williams does not give chase, instead he backs into the corner and waits for AA to climb back into the ring. AA takes a nine count before rolling into the ring, once again Williams comes out of the corner, but AA demands that the referee check him for foreign objects. Williams smirks at AA and backs back into the corner while the referee checks him, meanwhile AA turns to the crowd and shows them a chain he has tucked into his tights. AA slips the chain around his fist and hides his hand behind his back and marches to the center of the ring and demands a hand shake from Williams. Williams marches to the center of the ring, and without a second of hesitation, he cold cocks AA in the mouth. AA falls to one knee, and Williams grabs him by the head and throws him between the ropes to the floor, then follows him out of the ring. On the outside Williams grabs AA’s arm (the one with the chain on his fist) and slams it into the ring post, then pulls the chain off and wraps it around his fist. Hidden from the referee, Williams hammers at AA’s forehead, leaving him a bloody mess. Williams rolls AA back into the ring and tosses the chain aside. Williams follows AA into the ring and covers, but only gets a two count. LDW tries to pull AA to his feet, but AA hits a low blow that doubles LDW over in pain. AA gets to his feet and hits the ropes and drives a knee into the side of Williams head, sending him between the ropes to the floor. Waits on the inside and regains his composure. After a few seconds Williams is back on the apron, and AA suplexes him back into the ring, floats over and gets a two count. AA pulls Williams to his feet and locks on an abdominal stretch, making sure he is close enough to the ropes to use them for leverage. After several times of nearly getting caught, the referee sees AA using the top rope and kicks his foot off the ropes, which allows Williams to flip AA over with a hip toss. Williams falls to his knees and grabs his side, AA quickly gets to his feet and waits for Williams to stand up, then drops him with a belly to back suplex. AA climbs to the second rope and measures Williams then drops a fist right between his eyes. AA covers, but Williams kicks out at two. AA now stomps around the ring and calls for the claw! As LD Williams staggers to his feet, AA slaps the claw on! But LD Williams won’t go down, he fights trying to get to the ropes to force the break, but AA increases the pressure and takes Williams to the mat! LDW is in a world of trouble as blood begins to flow between AA’s fingers. His shoulders are down and AA gets several two counts, but finally Williams manages to wiggle to the ropes and get the break. AA pulls Williams to his feet and backs him into the corner, AA climbs to the second rope and tries a tornado DDT but in mid move, Williams reverses it into a sit out spinebuster! Williams hooks the legs and gets a two count. Both men stagger to their feet, AA kicks Williams low and sets Williams up for a piledriver, but Williams reverses it into an Alabama Slam! Williams rolls AA up, but AA kicks out at two, Williams keeps hold of AA’s leg and flips him over into the STF! AA is trapped in the middle of the ring! He tries to make it to the ropes, but he cannot after several minutes of struggle AA is forced to tap out.
WINNER in 22:47 – LD Williams
JF- Oh my God! LD Williams, proving why he is facing the winner of Alt vs. Cole on the next edition of PHWF. He is an animal!
CB- Yeah...he sure is...
JF- Can we get someone with some flair out here?
RF- WOOOOOOOOOO!
JF- NO! NOT HIM!
RF- I HEARD YOU WANTED SOME, WOOOOOOO! FLAIR OUT HERE! WELL NOBODY HAS MORE FLAIR THAN THE NAY-CHA BOY! WOOOOOOOOO!
JF- Chris, can you get rid of him?
CB- Sure...hey Ric...uh...get out of here, you...
JF- Just leave and take him with you.
RF- LIMO RIDIN'! JET FLYIN' WHEELIN' DEALIN'! KISS STEALIN'! SON OF A GUN!
JF- There's a sandwich promo somewhere that sorely needs you, Ric. Capslock/Moose! Right now!
F.F. Capslock vs. Moosehead Jack
F.F. Capslock’s music hits first, but no one comes through the curtain. The music stops and, after a pause, starts again – still nothing. Suddenly, the entire entranceway topples and FFC and Moosehead Jack tumble down the aisle. Jack gets to his feet and eats a clothesline from a stampeding FFC. Capslock hits a snap suplex on the floor, picks Jack up and slams him face-first into the ringsteps. They brawl at ringside, and Capslock grabs a chair. Jack blocks a swing and grabs the chair, kicks Capslock in the stomach, and slams the chair across his head. The referee is looking right at them but since they haven’t gotten into the ring to start the match yet, there’s nothing he can do.
When Capslock gets up, blood is trickling from a cut on his forehead, which is practically an engraved invitation for Jack. He slams FFC on the floor and grabs him in a choke, grinding his elbow into the cut, and causing blood to flow freely. Capslock struggles, and just manages to grab the discarded chair, which he slams into Jack’s head. Jack releases the hold as blood begins to pour from his ear.
FFC gets slowly to his feet and prepares to paste Jack with the chair, but the referee grabs it from behind. After a brief tug-of-war, FFC lets go and the referee takes himself out of the match. FFC drives Jack’s face into the ringpost and tosses him into the ring.
Capslock props Jack up in the corner and drives a shoulder into his midsection. An irish whip is followed by an avalanche. Jack stumbles out of the corner and FFC lifts him for a DVD, but Jack slides out, lands behind him, and nails FFC with a low blow. FFC doubles over, and Jack hits a DDT.
Jack stomps away, then takes a break to remove a turnbuckle cover. He picks FFC up and tries to ram his head into the corner but FFC blocks and reverses. Jack’s head is driven into the steel and his forehead begins to pour blood as well. FFC manages a second shot to the buckle before Jack again goes low and stops him short with a mule kick. As FFC tries to drop his voice to it’s normal octave (and to convince other things to drop as well), Jack hits the opposite ropes and takes both of them over the ropes with a clothesline.
Jack gets to his feet first and moves in, but FFC comes out from under the ring with a rifle. Jack backs off, and FFC’s face twists in what might be a smile under all the blood. Jack backs up against the ringpost as the barrel is pressed under his nose. Suddenly, FFC drops the gun, kicks Jack low, and plants him with a DDT. He stuffs Jack into the ring and grabs a chair. Laying the chair across Jack’s prone form, FFC scales the ropes and hits The Spirit of Fresno. Jack is out! Capslock slides out of the ring, drops the chair, and shoves the groggy referee back in. FFC covers and the ref counts three.
Winner, in 17:47, F.F. Capslock.
JF- Oh my God! Nothing can contain these two! Not even a steal cage...or could it?
Pun- It could! I'm booking it! Stop bringing guns to my ring please.
JF- I don't.
Pun- You sure?
JF- Yeah, pretty sure.
Pun- Okay...but I've got my eye on you.
JF- Can I call this match now?
Pun- Sure. Its a five man battle royale to be the number one contender to the N-Sanity Title, one of my most brilliant and original innovations.
JF- Isn't it just a blatent ripoff of the TNA X Division?
Pun- What? Never heard of it.
JF- Really?
Pun- Is it good?
JF- A lot of people like it, yeah.
Pun- Well then, I'm glad that we have something similar.
JF- Not similar, its the EXACT same thing.
Pun- Let's go to the ring!
PHWF N-Sanity Title #1 Contender's Battle Royal
Ryan Insert vs. Ryan Tab vs. Kenji vs. S-Y-B vs. Johnny Adrenaline
All the men enter and the bell rings. Immediately, S-Y-B trips on his untied bootlaces and falls over the ropes thus eliminating himself. After the other men take it in for a minute, Insert and Tab lock up and Insert throws Tab into the ropes and armdrags him across the ring. Kenji starts peppering Johnny with kicks and then takes him down with a spinning elbow. Insert goes after Tab with a vengeance then does a running lionsault onto Tab. He picks him up and tosses him over the toprope, but Tab catches himself on the ropes and slides back in. Just then Kenji kicks Johnny over the toprope, but he falls only to the apron and rolls back in. Kenji hits the ropes and comes back with a flying kick at Johnny which he ducks, smashing into Ryan Tab sending him over the ropes and to the floor. Ryan looks at Tab outside the ring and makes a quick decision. He hits the ropes, runs forwards, leaps onto the ropes, does a full frontflip, catches Tab's head with his lags and frankensteiner's him into the steps. RYANCANRANA! Ryan Insert just eliminated himself to injure Ryan Tab more! And Tab can't move. The medics come out and put back on Tab's neck brace he's worn every week since he showed up and stretcher him out...again. His neck can't be doing well at this point. Meanwhile Johnny and Kenji are continuing to battle, but Insert isn't done! He beats the medics away and drags the stretcher back near the ring, climb to the toprope and signals for the flippitiest flippity move of all time. And he nails it! FINAL COUNTDOWN THROUGH A STRETCHER! The crowd is chanting Insert's name. In the ring, Kenji sets up for and hits his patented crescent kick into butterfly kick into spin kick. Johnny stumbles back into the ropes. Kenji comes running at him for another flying kick, but Johnny Adrenaline catches him! He adjusts him and hits the Adrenaline Rush over the ropes! Kenji bounches off the apron and teeters on the verge of falling. A baseball slide from Johnny takes care of that and wouldn't you know it, Johnny Adrenaline is the last man in the ring!
WINNER in 6:21- Johnny Adrenaline
JF- Oh my God! Johnny Adrenaline will face the winner of the N-Sanity Title match at PHWF 5! Are you just gonna hang out here with me Pun?
Pun- Might as well.
JF- Where's Don?
Pun- I think the writer just needed a break from that one dementional character. How many QVC jokes are there anyways?
JF- Two?
Pun- Exactly. And they've been exhausted 20 times over already.
JF- Will he come back.
Pun- I'm sure they'll demand him. Our new tag team champions Courtney and Gator have to face The GOP. These guys mean business.
JF- No they don't. I don't even think they care if they win or lose.
Pun- And interestling enough, neither do I.
JF- That explains so much.
PHWF Tag Team Title Match
Courtney Shaw and Mastor Gator vs. The GOP
The GOP make their grand entrence upon real live elephants. They dismount and someone in the crowd blows an airhorn. The elephants, apparently thinking they heard a mating call, storm into the crowd killing 34. Eco looks slightly concerned, but Tex figures that most of them were Kerry voters and isn't too worried about it. Only a Kerry voter would dare blow an airhorn in public. Goddamned liberal assholes. You see what happens? You give people the right to choose and they choose to fire off airhorns all willy-nilly. Mastor Gator makes his entrence and waits by the ring without getting in. Courtney makes her entrence, scoffs at her partner and gets in. Gator stares at her climbing through the ropes. He exhales slowly then gets onto the apron. Courtney and Tex elect to go first and they lock up, Courtney puts on a side headlock then Tex reverses into a Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell Fireman's carry, but Court slides off and german suplexes him back. She pulls him up and tries to punch him, but he ducks under behind her, putting on his patented Taxation-Without-Representation Facelock. He throws her into the ropes, and he leaps up and hits the 1000 Points Of Light Dropkick. He climps to the toprope and comes off with a Flying Stay The Course Legdrop. He leaps up in celebration and he and Eco go over to the time keeper and grab the titles. A giant Mission Accomplished banner unrolls from the cieling with streamers and balloons. The ref tries to tell them that they need to actually pin their opponants to win, but they're having none of it. The ref starts his ten count. The ref reaches eight before Donald Rumsfeld comes out of the audience and forces Tex back into the ring. He looks confused, but he turns to see Gator who has tagged himself into the match with the legal-yet-rarely-used 30 second blind tag to the breast of your unconcious partner. He hits a big boot knocking Tex back into his corner and he tags Eco. Ecosystem is non-too-happy to be facing Master Gator again, but he is ready and prepared. He comes in to lock up and he hits his...CRUNCH!!! Ecosystem is dead. Nevermind. Gator tries to pin Eco, but its broken up by Tex. He sets Gator up for The Fili-Buster, but there's Courtney! She spins him around and hits The End! Gator and Courtney go to opposite corners. Gator hits the Leaping Lizard on Tex and Courtney hits the Denial Twist on Eco at the same time! Duel pins and the champs retain!
Winners in 6:21 and still PHWF Tag Team Champions- Courtney Shaw and Master Gator
Gator goes in for a hug, but she opts to shake his hand instead. He pats her on the ass and she punches him in the face. She takes her belt and heads off to get boned by one of her manwhores and Gator looks around for some tissue for his nose. And possibly for other purposes as well.
JF- Oh my God! This team continues to impress me. I can't believe they are so solid in the ring while being so socially awkward out of it.
Pun- Yeah. They're pretty good. I hope they continue to do well, or maybe I hate them. Are they heels or faces or what?
JF- I don't know.
Pun- And for that matter, what am I supposed to be?
JF- Devilishly handsome?
Pun- Well, obviously.
JF- So next we have another match to show off your spectacular N-Sanity Division.
Pun- Goddamn, I'm awesome.
JF- Couldn't agree more. N-Sanity Champion Concrete TG defends against the awesome Viet Cong Viper and the diranged yet focused Knife. Let's go down to the ring!
PHWF N-Sanity Division Championship Match
Concrete TG vs. Viet Cong Viper vs. The Knife
match to be added in later
JF- Oh my God! What an amazing performance by our N-Sanity Champion Concrete TG, can he keep the intensity up against Johnny Adrenaline next week?
Pun- They'd better tune in to find out.
JF- Or what?
Pun- Or I won't be able to pay the talet.
JF- GODDAMMIT EVERYONE! TUNE IN!
Pun- Now we have the culmination of the greatest tournament in the history or wrestling: the PHWF Championship Tournament Of Champions!
JF- Aren't you laying it on a little thick?
Pun- What was that? You want me to cut your paycheck?
JF- There has never in the history of ANYTHING been a match as important as this one!
Pun- That's a good boy.
JF- Altrageous Chris Alt vs. The Main Event Chris Cole! These men know each other so well. This match should be amazing.
PHWF Championship Tournament Final Match
Chris Alt vs Chris Cole
Alt comes to the ring first and climbs the turnbuckle and waves to the crowd, before he is even announced, Cole sprints to the ring and pulls Alt off the turnbuckle and lays into him with chops and punches. Cole tries to whip Alt to the opposite corner, but Alt reverses it. Cole hits the corner hard and staggers out of it and gets a back drop for his trouble. Cole lurches to his feet and gets met with a drop kick to the face for his troubles. Cole gets to his feet one more time and gets clotheslined over the top rope to the floor. Alt waits for Cole to get up, gets a running start and leaps between the ropes to the floor connecting with Cole and sending him sprawling across the cement floor. Alt is up first, he pulls Cole up and rolls him under the bottom rope and slides in and covers, but can only get a one count. Alt pulls Cole to his feet and sets him up for a vertical suplex, and leaves him up there to think about it for a few minutes before crashing to the mat. Alt floats over and covers again, but once again he can only get a two count. Alt pulls Cole to his feet and sends him to the corner and charges in, but Cole gets a boot up. Alt staggers and Cole climbs to the second rope and takes Alt to the mat with a clothesline. Cole covers, but Alt kicks out at one. Cole takes over now, stomping away on Alt. Hard whip into the corner, Alt hits chest first and Cole follows him with a clothesline to the back of the head that sends Alt face first into the second turnbuckle. Cole scoops Alt up and ties him in the tree of woe, gets a running start and buries a knee into Alt’s midsection, then slides out of the ring and pulls back on Alt’s head. The referee threatens disqualification and Cole breaks on four. Alt falls from the corner and Cole slides back into the ring and waits for him to get to his feet, as soon as he does, Cole spins him around, kicks him in the gut and plants Alt with a DDT, covers, and gets a two count. Cole shows a little bit of frustration and yells at the referee, then pulls Alt up, sends him to the ropes and hits a nice tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, another cover, another two count. Cole is mad now and threatens the referee. He rolls Alt over on the mat so he is face down, hits the ropes and drops a knee on the back of Alt’s neck. Cole traps Alt in a chinlock pulling back on his head and twisting his neck. Alt slowly fights to his feet and elbows his way out of it, then hits the ropes and tries a clothesline, but Cole ducks, spins and nearly decapitates Alt with a clothesline of his own. Cole pulls a groggy Alt to his feet and hits the HEADLINER! This one is over! Cole covers, one, two, thre…NO! Alt rolls his shoulder! Cole is furious! Cole pulls Alt to his feet and whips him to the ropes, but Alt reverses it and hits the SPINAL CONTUSION! But Alt cannot cover him! Both men are slowly to their feet, Cole swings wildly, Alt ducks and tries to lock on the PRAG! But Cole quickly fights to the corner and forces the break. As the referee is trying to break it up Cole hits a mule kick to the jewels that staggers Alt. Cole grabs him and sets up another HEADLINER! But Alt fights it and REVERSES IT INTO A HEADLINER OF HIS OWN!! Alt covers and hooks the leg, one, two, THREE!
WINNER in 26:59 – Chris Alt
Chris Alt celebrates as Punisher leaves the booth to hand him the newly crafted and GORGEOUS PHWF Championship belt. So that's where our budget went. He celebrates his win and holds the belt high overhead. He goes over to Chris Cole to shake his hand, but Cole just walks away. Alt shrugs it off and climbs the top turnbuckle holding his belt above his head and basks in the glow of sweet, sweet victory.
JF- Hello and welcome to PHWF 4: Alt vs. Cole! Who will become our first ever PHWF Champion, "Altrageous" Chris Alt or "The Main Event" Chris Cole? Find out, LIVE here tonight! I am Joey Fashions and Don East could not make it tonight. Sitting in for him is formor WWF Heavyweight Champion of the World, The Iron Shiek!
IS- Hello Joey, Pleasure for me to be in Pun's House Wrestling Fedooration. I am Word Wrestling Fedooration Champwin Iron Shiek. I wrestled Madison Square Garden New York City, most famous city in the word! Most famous arena in the word. Pleasure for me!
JF- Can someone find Don?
IS- PHWF #1! OOWF Hack-ptooie!
JF- While I agree with you there, we probably should say that. Tonight we have the culmanation of our four week long tournament to crown our first PHWF Champion. We have our N-Sanity Champion defending his title against Viet Cong Viper and The Knife. Our NEW PHWF Tag Team Champions Courtney Shaw and Mator Gator defend their titles for the first time against The GOP. Also we have the Five-man N-Sanity #1 Contender's battle royal. This is sure to be intense. Also FF Capslock faces his arch-rival Moosehead Jack, Our #1 PHWF Championship Contender LD Williams will face Attitude Adjuster and the man who made it to the final four of the PHWF Title Tournament MGB taking on the powerhouse Spin "Freaking" Hansen. Let's go down to the ring!
MGB vs. Spin Hansen
MGB comes out first and waits for Spin to join him in the ring, when Spin finally shows up MGB puts the boots to him as he tries to crawl into the ring. Spin powers up and knocks MGB down. Spin pulls MGB up and hits a big clothesline. He plays to the crowd and in punished for it by an uppercut to the groin. He does the international sign to the referee for, "hey I just got punched in the nuts, you gonna do anything about that?" MGB does a side russian legsweep and attempts a pin which gets two. He kicks Spin in the head as he tries to get up, then hits the ropes and drives a knee into the side of Spin's head. He grabs Spin and Spin throws him off and punches his way to his feet then hits a belly-to-belly suplex. He runs to the ropes and comes back dropping a big elbow. He tries a pin of his own which also gets two. He hypes the crowd again and picks MGB up and delivers a big powerbomb. He picks MGB up again, throws him to the corner and signals for Todesfall! He pulls MGB up to the toprope and MGB slips away and climps down to the floor. He grabs a chair and blatently creams Spin in front of the ref.
Winner in 5:44 by DQ- Spin Hansen
JF- Oh my God! He got DQ'ed on purpose rather than get pinned! That bastard! What do you think of that Shiek? Shiek? Where is Iron Shiek? Okay, I'm told that Iron Shiek has wondered off muttering about Madison Square Garden. Do we have anyone besides Don around?
Joey is joined at the desk by former WCW and WWE Champion Chris Benoit
JF- Oh my God! Its the Crippler! How are you!?
CB- Fine...
JF- So what do you think about what we just saw?
CB- That was something...
JF- ...yeah. It certainly was. So next we have our number one contender to the PHWF Championship facing the former Tag Team Champion Attitude Adjuster. Can Double-A fend off the man who is on a role in this league? What do you think, Chris!?
CB- I don't know. Maybe?
JF- LET'S FIND OUT!
LD Williams vs Attitude Adjuster
AA is out first and taunts the crowd while LD Williams, all business as usual, comes to the ring. Williams comes in and is immediately ready to fight, but AA buys some time and bails out of the ring. Williams does not give chase, instead he backs into the corner and waits for AA to climb back into the ring. AA takes a nine count before rolling into the ring, once again Williams comes out of the corner, but AA demands that the referee check him for foreign objects. Williams smirks at AA and backs back into the corner while the referee checks him, meanwhile AA turns to the crowd and shows them a chain he has tucked into his tights. AA slips the chain around his fist and hides his hand behind his back and marches to the center of the ring and demands a hand shake from Williams. Williams marches to the center of the ring, and without a second of hesitation, he cold cocks AA in the mouth. AA falls to one knee, and Williams grabs him by the head and throws him between the ropes to the floor, then follows him out of the ring. On the outside Williams grabs AA’s arm (the one with the chain on his fist) and slams it into the ring post, then pulls the chain off and wraps it around his fist. Hidden from the referee, Williams hammers at AA’s forehead, leaving him a bloody mess. Williams rolls AA back into the ring and tosses the chain aside. Williams follows AA into the ring and covers, but only gets a two count. LDW tries to pull AA to his feet, but AA hits a low blow that doubles LDW over in pain. AA gets to his feet and hits the ropes and drives a knee into the side of Williams head, sending him between the ropes to the floor. Waits on the inside and regains his composure. After a few seconds Williams is back on the apron, and AA suplexes him back into the ring, floats over and gets a two count. AA pulls Williams to his feet and locks on an abdominal stretch, making sure he is close enough to the ropes to use them for leverage. After several times of nearly getting caught, the referee sees AA using the top rope and kicks his foot off the ropes, which allows Williams to flip AA over with a hip toss. Williams falls to his knees and grabs his side, AA quickly gets to his feet and waits for Williams to stand up, then drops him with a belly to back suplex. AA climbs to the second rope and measures Williams then drops a fist right between his eyes. AA covers, but Williams kicks out at two. AA now stomps around the ring and calls for the claw! As LD Williams staggers to his feet, AA slaps the claw on! But LD Williams won’t go down, he fights trying to get to the ropes to force the break, but AA increases the pressure and takes Williams to the mat! LDW is in a world of trouble as blood begins to flow between AA’s fingers. His shoulders are down and AA gets several two counts, but finally Williams manages to wiggle to the ropes and get the break. AA pulls Williams to his feet and backs him into the corner, AA climbs to the second rope and tries a tornado DDT but in mid move, Williams reverses it into a sit out spinebuster! Williams hooks the legs and gets a two count. Both men stagger to their feet, AA kicks Williams low and sets Williams up for a piledriver, but Williams reverses it into an Alabama Slam! Williams rolls AA up, but AA kicks out at two, Williams keeps hold of AA’s leg and flips him over into the STF! AA is trapped in the middle of the ring! He tries to make it to the ropes, but he cannot after several minutes of struggle AA is forced to tap out.
WINNER in 22:47 – LD Williams
JF- Oh my God! LD Williams, proving why he is facing the winner of Alt vs. Cole on the next edition of PHWF. He is an animal!
CB- Yeah...he sure is...
JF- Can we get someone with some flair out here?
RF- WOOOOOOOOOO!
JF- NO! NOT HIM!
RF- I HEARD YOU WANTED SOME, WOOOOOOO! FLAIR OUT HERE! WELL NOBODY HAS MORE FLAIR THAN THE NAY-CHA BOY! WOOOOOOOOO!
JF- Chris, can you get rid of him?
CB- Sure...hey Ric...uh...get out of here, you...
JF- Just leave and take him with you.
RF- LIMO RIDIN'! JET FLYIN' WHEELIN' DEALIN'! KISS STEALIN'! SON OF A GUN!
JF- There's a sandwich promo somewhere that sorely needs you, Ric. Capslock/Moose! Right now!
F.F. Capslock vs. Moosehead Jack
F.F. Capslock’s music hits first, but no one comes through the curtain. The music stops and, after a pause, starts again – still nothing. Suddenly, the entire entranceway topples and FFC and Moosehead Jack tumble down the aisle. Jack gets to his feet and eats a clothesline from a stampeding FFC. Capslock hits a snap suplex on the floor, picks Jack up and slams him face-first into the ringsteps. They brawl at ringside, and Capslock grabs a chair. Jack blocks a swing and grabs the chair, kicks Capslock in the stomach, and slams the chair across his head. The referee is looking right at them but since they haven’t gotten into the ring to start the match yet, there’s nothing he can do.
When Capslock gets up, blood is trickling from a cut on his forehead, which is practically an engraved invitation for Jack. He slams FFC on the floor and grabs him in a choke, grinding his elbow into the cut, and causing blood to flow freely. Capslock struggles, and just manages to grab the discarded chair, which he slams into Jack’s head. Jack releases the hold as blood begins to pour from his ear.
FFC gets slowly to his feet and prepares to paste Jack with the chair, but the referee grabs it from behind. After a brief tug-of-war, FFC lets go and the referee takes himself out of the match. FFC drives Jack’s face into the ringpost and tosses him into the ring.
Capslock props Jack up in the corner and drives a shoulder into his midsection. An irish whip is followed by an avalanche. Jack stumbles out of the corner and FFC lifts him for a DVD, but Jack slides out, lands behind him, and nails FFC with a low blow. FFC doubles over, and Jack hits a DDT.
Jack stomps away, then takes a break to remove a turnbuckle cover. He picks FFC up and tries to ram his head into the corner but FFC blocks and reverses. Jack’s head is driven into the steel and his forehead begins to pour blood as well. FFC manages a second shot to the buckle before Jack again goes low and stops him short with a mule kick. As FFC tries to drop his voice to it’s normal octave (and to convince other things to drop as well), Jack hits the opposite ropes and takes both of them over the ropes with a clothesline.
Jack gets to his feet first and moves in, but FFC comes out from under the ring with a rifle. Jack backs off, and FFC’s face twists in what might be a smile under all the blood. Jack backs up against the ringpost as the barrel is pressed under his nose. Suddenly, FFC drops the gun, kicks Jack low, and plants him with a DDT. He stuffs Jack into the ring and grabs a chair. Laying the chair across Jack’s prone form, FFC scales the ropes and hits The Spirit of Fresno. Jack is out! Capslock slides out of the ring, drops the chair, and shoves the groggy referee back in. FFC covers and the ref counts three.
Winner, in 17:47, F.F. Capslock.
JF- Oh my God! Nothing can contain these two! Not even a steal cage...or could it?
Pun- It could! I'm booking it! Stop bringing guns to my ring please.
JF- I don't.
Pun- You sure?
JF- Yeah, pretty sure.
Pun- Okay...but I've got my eye on you.
JF- Can I call this match now?
Pun- Sure. Its a five man battle royale to be the number one contender to the N-Sanity Title, one of my most brilliant and original innovations.
JF- Isn't it just a blatent ripoff of the TNA X Division?
Pun- What? Never heard of it.
JF- Really?
Pun- Is it good?
JF- A lot of people like it, yeah.
Pun- Well then, I'm glad that we have something similar.
JF- Not similar, its the EXACT same thing.
Pun- Let's go to the ring!
PHWF N-Sanity Title #1 Contender's Battle Royal
Ryan Insert vs. Ryan Tab vs. Kenji vs. S-Y-B vs. Johnny Adrenaline
All the men enter and the bell rings. Immediately, S-Y-B trips on his untied bootlaces and falls over the ropes thus eliminating himself. After the other men take it in for a minute, Insert and Tab lock up and Insert throws Tab into the ropes and armdrags him across the ring. Kenji starts peppering Johnny with kicks and then takes him down with a spinning elbow. Insert goes after Tab with a vengeance then does a running lionsault onto Tab. He picks him up and tosses him over the toprope, but Tab catches himself on the ropes and slides back in. Just then Kenji kicks Johnny over the toprope, but he falls only to the apron and rolls back in. Kenji hits the ropes and comes back with a flying kick at Johnny which he ducks, smashing into Ryan Tab sending him over the ropes and to the floor. Ryan looks at Tab outside the ring and makes a quick decision. He hits the ropes, runs forwards, leaps onto the ropes, does a full frontflip, catches Tab's head with his lags and frankensteiner's him into the steps. RYANCANRANA! Ryan Insert just eliminated himself to injure Ryan Tab more! And Tab can't move. The medics come out and put back on Tab's neck brace he's worn every week since he showed up and stretcher him out...again. His neck can't be doing well at this point. Meanwhile Johnny and Kenji are continuing to battle, but Insert isn't done! He beats the medics away and drags the stretcher back near the ring, climb to the toprope and signals for the flippitiest flippity move of all time. And he nails it! FINAL COUNTDOWN THROUGH A STRETCHER! The crowd is chanting Insert's name. In the ring, Kenji sets up for and hits his patented crescent kick into butterfly kick into spin kick. Johnny stumbles back into the ropes. Kenji comes running at him for another flying kick, but Johnny Adrenaline catches him! He adjusts him and hits the Adrenaline Rush over the ropes! Kenji bounches off the apron and teeters on the verge of falling. A baseball slide from Johnny takes care of that and wouldn't you know it, Johnny Adrenaline is the last man in the ring!
WINNER in 6:21- Johnny Adrenaline
JF- Oh my God! Johnny Adrenaline will face the winner of the N-Sanity Title match at PHWF 5! Are you just gonna hang out here with me Pun?
Pun- Might as well.
JF- Where's Don?
Pun- I think the writer just needed a break from that one dementional character. How many QVC jokes are there anyways?
JF- Two?
Pun- Exactly. And they've been exhausted 20 times over already.
JF- Will he come back.
Pun- I'm sure they'll demand him. Our new tag team champions Courtney and Gator have to face The GOP. These guys mean business.
JF- No they don't. I don't even think they care if they win or lose.
Pun- And interestling enough, neither do I.
JF- That explains so much.
PHWF Tag Team Title Match
Courtney Shaw and Mastor Gator vs. The GOP
The GOP make their grand entrence upon real live elephants. They dismount and someone in the crowd blows an airhorn. The elephants, apparently thinking they heard a mating call, storm into the crowd killing 34. Eco looks slightly concerned, but Tex figures that most of them were Kerry voters and isn't too worried about it. Only a Kerry voter would dare blow an airhorn in public. Goddamned liberal assholes. You see what happens? You give people the right to choose and they choose to fire off airhorns all willy-nilly. Mastor Gator makes his entrence and waits by the ring without getting in. Courtney makes her entrence, scoffs at her partner and gets in. Gator stares at her climbing through the ropes. He exhales slowly then gets onto the apron. Courtney and Tex elect to go first and they lock up, Courtney puts on a side headlock then Tex reverses into a Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell Fireman's carry, but Court slides off and german suplexes him back. She pulls him up and tries to punch him, but he ducks under behind her, putting on his patented Taxation-Without-Representation Facelock. He throws her into the ropes, and he leaps up and hits the 1000 Points Of Light Dropkick. He climps to the toprope and comes off with a Flying Stay The Course Legdrop. He leaps up in celebration and he and Eco go over to the time keeper and grab the titles. A giant Mission Accomplished banner unrolls from the cieling with streamers and balloons. The ref tries to tell them that they need to actually pin their opponants to win, but they're having none of it. The ref starts his ten count. The ref reaches eight before Donald Rumsfeld comes out of the audience and forces Tex back into the ring. He looks confused, but he turns to see Gator who has tagged himself into the match with the legal-yet-rarely-used 30 second blind tag to the breast of your unconcious partner. He hits a big boot knocking Tex back into his corner and he tags Eco. Ecosystem is non-too-happy to be facing Master Gator again, but he is ready and prepared. He comes in to lock up and he hits his...CRUNCH!!! Ecosystem is dead. Nevermind. Gator tries to pin Eco, but its broken up by Tex. He sets Gator up for The Fili-Buster, but there's Courtney! She spins him around and hits The End! Gator and Courtney go to opposite corners. Gator hits the Leaping Lizard on Tex and Courtney hits the Denial Twist on Eco at the same time! Duel pins and the champs retain!
Winners in 6:21 and still PHWF Tag Team Champions- Courtney Shaw and Master Gator
Gator goes in for a hug, but she opts to shake his hand instead. He pats her on the ass and she punches him in the face. She takes her belt and heads off to get boned by one of her manwhores and Gator looks around for some tissue for his nose. And possibly for other purposes as well.
JF- Oh my God! This team continues to impress me. I can't believe they are so solid in the ring while being so socially awkward out of it.
Pun- Yeah. They're pretty good. I hope they continue to do well, or maybe I hate them. Are they heels or faces or what?
JF- I don't know.
Pun- And for that matter, what am I supposed to be?
JF- Devilishly handsome?
Pun- Well, obviously.
JF- So next we have another match to show off your spectacular N-Sanity Division.
Pun- Goddamn, I'm awesome.
JF- Couldn't agree more. N-Sanity Champion Concrete TG defends against the awesome Viet Cong Viper and the diranged yet focused Knife. Let's go down to the ring!
PHWF N-Sanity Division Championship Match
Concrete TG vs. Viet Cong Viper vs. The Knife
match to be added in later
JF- Oh my God! What an amazing performance by our N-Sanity Champion Concrete TG, can he keep the intensity up against Johnny Adrenaline next week?
Pun- They'd better tune in to find out.
JF- Or what?
Pun- Or I won't be able to pay the talet.
JF- GODDAMMIT EVERYONE! TUNE IN!
Pun- Now we have the culmination of the greatest tournament in the history or wrestling: the PHWF Championship Tournament Of Champions!
JF- Aren't you laying it on a little thick?
Pun- What was that? You want me to cut your paycheck?
JF- There has never in the history of ANYTHING been a match as important as this one!
Pun- That's a good boy.
JF- Altrageous Chris Alt vs. The Main Event Chris Cole! These men know each other so well. This match should be amazing.
PHWF Championship Tournament Final Match
Chris Alt vs Chris Cole
Alt comes to the ring first and climbs the turnbuckle and waves to the crowd, before he is even announced, Cole sprints to the ring and pulls Alt off the turnbuckle and lays into him with chops and punches. Cole tries to whip Alt to the opposite corner, but Alt reverses it. Cole hits the corner hard and staggers out of it and gets a back drop for his trouble. Cole lurches to his feet and gets met with a drop kick to the face for his troubles. Cole gets to his feet one more time and gets clotheslined over the top rope to the floor. Alt waits for Cole to get up, gets a running start and leaps between the ropes to the floor connecting with Cole and sending him sprawling across the cement floor. Alt is up first, he pulls Cole up and rolls him under the bottom rope and slides in and covers, but can only get a one count. Alt pulls Cole to his feet and sets him up for a vertical suplex, and leaves him up there to think about it for a few minutes before crashing to the mat. Alt floats over and covers again, but once again he can only get a two count. Alt pulls Cole to his feet and sends him to the corner and charges in, but Cole gets a boot up. Alt staggers and Cole climbs to the second rope and takes Alt to the mat with a clothesline. Cole covers, but Alt kicks out at one. Cole takes over now, stomping away on Alt. Hard whip into the corner, Alt hits chest first and Cole follows him with a clothesline to the back of the head that sends Alt face first into the second turnbuckle. Cole scoops Alt up and ties him in the tree of woe, gets a running start and buries a knee into Alt’s midsection, then slides out of the ring and pulls back on Alt’s head. The referee threatens disqualification and Cole breaks on four. Alt falls from the corner and Cole slides back into the ring and waits for him to get to his feet, as soon as he does, Cole spins him around, kicks him in the gut and plants Alt with a DDT, covers, and gets a two count. Cole shows a little bit of frustration and yells at the referee, then pulls Alt up, sends him to the ropes and hits a nice tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, another cover, another two count. Cole is mad now and threatens the referee. He rolls Alt over on the mat so he is face down, hits the ropes and drops a knee on the back of Alt’s neck. Cole traps Alt in a chinlock pulling back on his head and twisting his neck. Alt slowly fights to his feet and elbows his way out of it, then hits the ropes and tries a clothesline, but Cole ducks, spins and nearly decapitates Alt with a clothesline of his own. Cole pulls a groggy Alt to his feet and hits the HEADLINER! This one is over! Cole covers, one, two, thre…NO! Alt rolls his shoulder! Cole is furious! Cole pulls Alt to his feet and whips him to the ropes, but Alt reverses it and hits the SPINAL CONTUSION! But Alt cannot cover him! Both men are slowly to their feet, Cole swings wildly, Alt ducks and tries to lock on the PRAG! But Cole quickly fights to the corner and forces the break. As the referee is trying to break it up Cole hits a mule kick to the jewels that staggers Alt. Cole grabs him and sets up another HEADLINER! But Alt fights it and REVERSES IT INTO A HEADLINER OF HIS OWN!! Alt covers and hooks the leg, one, two, THREE!
WINNER in 26:59 – Chris Alt
Chris Alt celebrates as Punisher leaves the booth to hand him the newly crafted and GORGEOUS PHWF Championship belt. So that's where our budget went. He celebrates his win and holds the belt high overhead. He goes over to Chris Cole to shake his hand, but Cole just walks away. Alt shrugs it off and climbs the top turnbuckle holding his belt above his head and basks in the glow of sweet, sweet victory.
