[Andy]

PHWF Championship Match
Chris Alt (c) vs. LD Williams

N-Sanity Division Championship Match
Concrete TG (c) vs. Johnny Adrenaline

PHWF Tag Team Championship Match
Courtney Shaw and Master Gator (c) vs. The GOP

Cage Match
FF Capslock vs. Moosehead Jack

Viet Cong Viper vs. Ryan Insert vs. Kenji vs. The Knife

Spin Hansen vs. Attitude Adjuster

MGB vs. Ryan Tab

Chris Cole vs. S-Y-B

[williamssl]

PLACEHOLDER~!!!!

I will have the first promo. I will! Not you. Or you. Me!!!! Republicans steal everything!!!!

[Ryan Who Loves Punk]

*Ryan Tab is adjusting his neck brace.*

Insert, I will make you pay. I hate you and all that you stand for. I will destroy you violently. P.S.: You suck.

*Leans over to a paramedic*

How long before I can take off this neck brace?

*Hears answer*

And as a symbol of my rage, even though my neck is FULLY HEALED WATCH OUT I will keep it on while I destroy my next opponent.

[The Jewish Cunthead]

S-Y-B struts backstage.

"What did I tell ya? No one laid a finger on me! I think that means I won. This Pun guy is one smart cat, putting me against Cole.... there's the man himself. Hey Pun!"

Pun walks by, dressed to the nines with his SANDBERG 23 jersey and signature cigar.

Pun: "Hey kid, here's a quarter. Go get me a paper."

S-Y-B: "You don't know who I am? I'm the legendary Jooish Jouster, the Hebrew Hammer, the Kosher Killer... I am SOLLY YA BASTARD. Damn it Pun, I'm only your company's biggest star."

Pun: "If you mean in terms of the biggest nose, that's for sure. Look at that thing, I could land my jet on that sumbitch!"

S-Y-B: "That's pretty funny for a guy who's gonna be shining my shoes in a week. I think you should be more grateful given how I'm single-handedly saving your company. Kiss my fucking feet, Corbitt!"

Pun: "That's cute little boy. I don't have time for your antics... and apparently neither do you. You have a match against Chris Cole coming up and I don't think he's in a great mood. Good luck Solly Ya Bitch."

S-Y-B: "Bastard."

[williamssl]

Ha - I'm gonna do my promo as a NEW POST. My placeholder was a psych-out.

<Deep Inside Republican Headquarters>

Nixon's head: Damn. We had a chance to win the belts but didn't close it out.

Kemp's head: Yeah. Somehow I think The GOP aren't perceived to be legitimate challengers and are rather just a gimmick...kind of like the Bushwackers.

Reagan's head: Why yes I'd like a cracker.

BRICK~ drops from the ceiling.

Goldwater's head: I wonder what could ever be giving people that impression?

The 4 preserved heads of the great Conservatives and BRICK~ look back and forth at each other for 10 minutes. Unable to answer the question, they all shrug. Karl Rove enters the room.

Rove: It doesn't matter why they think that way...what matters is us convincing everyone that the GOP have what it take to be considered legitimate contenders. Tex and Eco....

BRICK~ interrupts: Eco and Tex

Rove: Yes, the GOP have another shot at Gator and Courtney's tag gold. We've got to make the most of this shot.

Goldwater: Well I don't know if this helps us or hurts us but we lost Anna Nicole Smith's tits. That damn activist crybaby judge gave her newborn daughter sole possession of her tits. We'll never see them again.

Rove: Her tits will do her baby far more good than they were doing us. Besides, he did give us visitation rights so they're not completely outta the picture. Now what do people think of when they think of the GOP?

Reagan: Yes I do have to pee. <he proceeds to urinate despite only being a head>

Nixon: Evil corrupt white collar upper class people who shit all over civil rights and the poor while protecting their own pocketbooks - and corporations. Well, that and elephants.

Rove: Exactly. But this GOP tag team isn't living up to that stereotype. That's what's gotta happen.

BRICK~: I can be a bad brick.

Rove: Eco. Tex. Get in here. We've gotta talk strategy for your next match.

[chrisisadad4308]

*The NEW and FIRST EVER PHWF World Heavyweight Champion Chris Alt enters the arena to THUNDEROUS applause, making sure to high five as many fans as possible on his way to the ring. He rolls into the ring, climbs one of the corner posts, and holds his new belt aloft for all the fans to see. He repeats this in each corner, soaking in the cheers and the flash photography. Finally, he takes a mic, throws the belt over his shoulder, and stands in the middle of the ring*

CA: Well, I guess I need to say-

*he is cut off by the entire arena chanting "Chris Alt" over and over again*

CA: You guys like me?

*huge pop*

CA: WELL, I LIKE YOU GUYS TOO!

*even more huge pop*

CA: HOOKERS FOR EVERYONE!

*alarmingly enormous pop*

CA: Just kidding.

*boos*

CA: Well, if you're going to put it like that, now that I am the champ, I do have some pull around here, so I'll see what I can do.

*huge pop*

CA: And one thing I am NOT kidding about- after the show, Taco Bell for everyone, and its Johnny Adrenaline's treat!

*mixed reaction*

CA: But I need to get serious here. I just want to say that while wrestling in that other place for the last two years has been an enormous honor, winning the PHWF World Championship is the greatest moment of my entire career! Its been a long road full of blood, sweat, triumph, heartbreak, alcohol, public showers, sleepless nights, hot groupies with big titties, the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. But holding this title and knowing that I am the number one guy in the business right now makes every moment of the long ride worth it. And you might be wondering to yourself, "Chris, now that you've just won the PHWF title, what are you going to do next?" And if you think the answer to that is "I'm going to Disneyworld", then you are wrong, because that's what I did the day after I won this puppy. And when I rolled into Disneyworld I smacked around Pooh and Goofy and I laid siege to some castle full of hot chicks and I laid pipe to every single one of them. And when I was done, I locked Mickey Mouse in the Prag and made him tap and I did it all for America, apple pie, and BIG HONKIN TITTIES!!!

*huge chant of "we want titties"*

CA: You guys aren't the only ones! I want titties, too! Are there any hot chicks in the crowd? Let's see some boobage!

*Some girls in the crowd start flashing and the arena goes insane*

CA: See, THIS is what we're in store for as long as I'm holding this belt. America, apple pie, and BIG TITTIES! But I'm not going to be one of those guys that never defends his title. No way, guys. I want to go down in the books as a fighting champion. And later on tonight, I'm defending this belt FOR YOU for the very first time against LD Williams.

*boos at the mention of LD Williams, and seconds later, LD's music hits and he comes out to stand in the aisleway, mic in hand*

LD: You hicks can boo me all you want-

CA: They aren't booing you, LD! They're saying "boooooooo-bies". THEY WANT MORE BOOBIES!!

*more flashing and the crowd is in a frenzy*

LD: ALL OF IDIOTS JUST SHUT UP!!!

CA: WHOA! Now hold on just a minute there, Williams! You can talk to ME however you want, but I'll be damned if you're going to talk like that to the people who came to see me.

LD: I don't care what you think, Alt. I'm just out here to let you know that its in your best interests not to get attached to your little belt there, because tonight, when I walk out of this arena, its going home with me.

CA: LD, the only thing that's going home with you tonight is a fat girl with no standards and possibly a case of the syphlis. And when you're laying in bed with an ugly fattie tickling your balls and you're wondering just what your life has become, you can rest assured that I will be plowing some hot young big-breasted model with ferocity, AND I WILL BE WEARING THIS CHAMPIONSHIP BELT WHILE I DO IT!!!

*LD throws down and his mic and begins to storm the ring. CA sits on the middle rope, offering to hold the top one up for LD to climb in. LD thinks better of it, shoots CA and the crowd the bird, and heads to the back. CA soaks in the adulation of the crowd one more time, and heads to the back himself*

[Mikey]

[Johnny Adrenaline runs into the interview area out of breath where the large Breasted Redhead awaits him.]

LBR: Johnny, why ya out of breath? You been exercising?

JA: Just... [gasps for air] ...got in... [gasp] ...from the other...[gasp] ...show.

LBR: Are you a champion in that other federation?

JA: Ya know, bitch, you should shut your damn... I mean... [gasp] ya know... [gasp] ...you should just... [gasp] ...shut your mouth... [gasp]

LBR: I'm just sayin, here in the PHWF, you've got a shot to beomce N-Sanity Division Champion.

JA: [gasp] ... You probably can't even spell N-Sanity, can ya?

LBR: They don't pay me to spell.

JA: Well, that ob... what DO they pay you for?

LBR: Actually, they don't pay me anything?

JA: So you're just a slut and not a hooker?

LBR: Something like that.

JA: Refreshing. [walks off]

[salmonjunkie]

Chris Alt is walking to the back when Viet Cong Viper walks out!

VCV: MO' WHITE BOOBIES!

Alt: Huh?

VCV: I want see MO WHITE BOOBIES!

Alt: But I thought you were gay.

VCV: (jesus christ, Alt. That's over in the other fed. Here I'm asian)

Alt: (Oh yeah, sorry) You want more boobies my little yellow friend?

Viper nod his head.

Alt: I'm a giving man. Ladies! Show this commie why America is the best country in the world!

Every woman in the audience (even the fatties) flash their boobs!

[Attitude Adjuster]

Attitude Adjuster walks in and looks at the card for this week.

AA: So this week I get to carry Spin Hansen in the promo department, then get my ass kicked by him.

AA suddenly sees the Large Breasted Redhead Slut walking away from Johnny Adrenaline.

AA: Hey, put that microphone in my face. Now you stand right there. No, one step forward...half a step back, now turn 27 degrees to your right. No! Your right, not my right! Don't they teach you anything here?? There! Now you're ready to interview me.

AA: Spin Hansen, I don't know what you're doing here or why we're fighting each other. But I guarantee you this: Unless I'm paid this week, you're going to wish you had a broomstick to fight because I'm not selling for no one until I get paid. Here that, Pun! No money, no selling! So Spin, you can body slam me, suplex me, kick me in the face and throw me into the ring barrier. It won't matter! Because I'm not selling! I might even kick out of your finisher--just to piss you off! And since I don't know what your finisher is, there's a good chance I might do it. So beware, Spin, when we get together in that ring at...at...shoot, PHWF's cards don't even have a GAWD DAMN name!...at PNWF #5, I'M NOT SELLING!

LBRS: Thank you, Mr. Adjuster, for a 5-star promo to what should be a no-star match.

[Jack Quinn]

<Moosehead Jack sits in a dark room, lit only by the light of a small TV monitor. I have heard this before somewhere>

What is it about pain. For some, it weakens the knees. For some, it is an intolerable part of life. For some, the mere thought of pain is enough to send them over the edge. Then there are others that thrive on pain. It is a rush, a high, something not feared, but rather embraced.

Capslock, you know exactly what I mean don’t you. There is no sense denying our past. Barbed wire matches, buckets of blood and unspeakable horrors all in the effort to inflict more pain on the other. Everyone knows out history, kz and Drink & Destroy have had some of the bloodiest matches in OOWF history. Now, some people came here looking for a new start. A fresh start. A way to escape past horrors. But not you Capslock. You decided to try and finish things. Well my friend, if it is violence that you want, it is violence you will get.

But before we carve into each other, let’s take a little walk through history. Lock we have faced each other six times in tag matches. Most have been out of control brawls, we do, however, hold one win over the other. So what does that mean? Nothing. But there is more. I want you to think back. Think back to March 2, 2005, just over two years ago. Think real hard Lock, think, and remember this:

<Jack hits play on the monitor>

We see F.F. Capslock in a dark room talking to a shadowy figure in the darkness.

FFC- "Alright, I've done everything you asked and kept you, as my employer, in complete anonymity. But now it seems as if you'll be 'outed' in so many words this Wednesday. As if the sheep in the As Yet Unnamed Face Faction haven't figured it out yet. But I question your judgement in taking Beast, Adjuster and Westgaard on this week. I got the shit kicked out of me by Beast and I'm huge. I don't know much about Attitude Adjuster but man, if that J.W. Westgaard's wrestling skills are half as good as his baseball shirt, available at www.cafepress.com/oowfshirts is, we're doomed! But seriously, I know I'm unstoppable, Stank is solid, but you better keep your head in the game and don't let your personal issues cloud your judgement. I'm out there to win. You better make sure you keep focused, you better make sure we win that match, and you damn sure better watch your ass, buddy."

The shadowy figure leans into the light revealing himself to be Moosehead Jack! Shocking swerve!

MHJ- "Oh, I will. Trust me."

Do you remember that Lock? I helped get you where you are today. Multiple time tag team champion, all thanks to me. And keep in mind Lock, we won that six man match. Face it Lock, deep inside, we are not very different. Violence begets violence. I brought you in, if need be, I will destroy you. My goal is the PHWF title, you are nothing but an obstacle in my path of destruction. Capslock, you have a choice to make, you can walk away now, while you can still walk, or you can keep pushing me and our past matches will look like a walk in the park.

Trust me

[The Knife]

The Knife goes into the N-Sanity Division lockerroom

TK- Everyone in here is on notice! Viper! Kenji! Insert! Insert? Seriously? Ew. But yeah! You guys are going down!

RI- Going down...heh heh. Yeah.

TK- You're so gross. Can I get a venarial disease from wrestling you?

RI- That depends. Do you have any open sores?

TK- Anyways! I'm gonna win this match and then you, Concrete, you! You are gonna lose that pretty new title to me and I'll be the best consarn N-Sanity champion of all time!

CTG- Out of the two there would be total?

TK- Oh...you and your semantics!

[Concrete TG]

(CTG stands and shoulders his title)

CTG: why are you even bugging me about this? My match this week is against Cowboy Johnny Adrenaline.

KN: well, you're the champion of this division, this was just a warning.

RI: you know that Johnny dropped that gimmick, didn't you?

CTG: he did?? well, drat, I wanted to get the title match under Trigun rules.

KN: THERE WILL BE NO MORE GUNS IN WRESTLING! THOU SHALT NOT KILL.....

RI: (to himself) here he goes again......

CTG: what? If I'm Vash I never fire a shot. People would just see me coming, try to shoot me full of holes, I raise my weapon and something cool and circumstantial happens and they all run away.

VGV: or get killed

KN: (Ranting, forgetting about the guys)

CTG: I don't want to go THAT far....the visuals would be amazing

VGV: and we'd lose tons of fans

RI: Do we even have a ton of fans?

CTG: Then again, I don't want to get blasted for trying to put rules in the N-Sanity division. (pats belt) as this division's champion, I am dedicated to the chaos of this division and will try to maintain the spirit of it.

VGV: maintain the spirit of chaos?

CTG: Exactly.

[Chris Eco]

(Eco and Tex are walking down the street with Karl Rove.)

Rove: See that homeless man there, Eco?

Eco: Yeah. (Takes out his wallet)

Rove: What are you doing?!

Eco: Giving a dollar..

Tex: Eco, you actually already gave him a dollar.

Eco: What do you mean?

Tex: You see, the government takes your money through taxes on your paycheck and converts it to welfare. It then gives those welfare checks to ne'er-do-wells like this man here.

Eco: Oh. Well, if he's got so much money, how come he can't afford to buy a house?

Tex: Um..

Rove: Because he's been spending all your money on CRACK COCAINE!! And giving it to his bastard Negro children so they can become addicted too!!

Eco: (running up to the homeless man) YOU! (Throws him against the wall) HOW DARE YOU HOOK LITTLE CHILDREN ON DRUGS! GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!!

Homeless Man: What?

Policeman: HEY! Put that man down!

Tex: It's okay, officer. He's with us.

Policeman: Well, you are white people wearing suits. So I guess I'll let your Asian friend rough up that Negro.

BRICK~!: I'm really uncomfortable with the overuse of the word "Negro" in this promo.

Eco: GIVE ME MY MONEY!

Homeless Man: I don't have your money!!

Eco: GIVE ME SOMEONE ELSE'S THEN!

Homeless Man: Fine!

(Homeless Man gives Ecosystem five hundred dollars.)

Rove: Whoa! Where'd you get that?

Homeless Man: The average panhandler in America makes twelve times the minimum wage per hour if no other beggars encroach on the territory within two blocks.

Eco: Huh. Does that mean we should raise the minimum--

Tex: NO!

[Loki]

Kenji: <Are you sure you are understanding things correctly? First you told me I had a weapons match. That proved to be incorrect. Then you told me I was to compete for the PHWF championship. That was also incorrect.>

Midget:[/i]<I do not know what to tell you. I can only relay the information I was told.>[/i]

Kenji:<Very well. Can you tell me what my match is supposed to be this week?>

Midget:[Looks at the schedule]<It very much looks as if you are fighting the same match as last week with the same people.>

Kenji:<Very good. A chance to redeem myself.>

Midget:<Come. Let us walk to the commissioner’s office. I have a question to ask him.>

[Kenji and the Midget walk past Eco roughing up a homeless guy. They notice Rove cackling maniacally to himself. The Midget slows up his walk enough to hear the homeless guy say “The average panhandler in America makes twelve times the minimum wage per hour if no other beggars encroach on the territory within two blocks….” Kenji stop and tenses as if to fight them, but the pushes Kenji forward.]

Kenji:<Why are we not helping that man? Those wrestlers are attacking a homeless person!>

Midget: <He is not a homeless person.>

Kenji:<He is not?>

Midget: <Look closely at him. What stands out?>

Kenji:<Well, he seems to be wearing a pin, but it is in a language I cannot read>

Midget: <The pins says “Bush/Cheney”. I realize you are not familiar with events in the United States, but that “homeless man” is not homeless. He is actually a Republican Activist.>

Kenji: <Why is he dressed as a homeless man, then?>

Midget: <A diabolical Karl Rove plot. This man and other Republicans dress as homeless people and “brag” about all the money they make panhandling. These stories gets relayed to the public by the media, and the media report these stories over and over. Within a period of time everyone “knows” this story to be true, because, after all, they’ve heard it a number of times in the media. It is an old psychological principle that is based on the fact that if humans are told a piece of information enough times they will eventually believe it to be true.>

Kenji: [thinks for a moment] <But do not people see the absurdity in the premise of the statement?>

Midget: <Sadly, no. Humans are relatively gullible that way.>

Kenji: <This Rove sounds like pure evil.>

Midget: <Many consider him so, yes.>

Kenji and the Midget look over at the Republican Activist, who is now talking on a cell phone.

Midget: [stroking his chin in movie bad guy fashion]<You do realize that you have not worked out properly today, do you not?>

Kenji launches himself into the air. The world turns white, flickers appear in the sky, and a voice screams out “ATOMIC FOURTH STRIKE!” Suddenly, Kenji flies out in a blur and kicks the Republican Activist through several conveniently placed walls. The phone hangs in the air for a moment, where a voice can clearly be heard stating “Operation Elect Newt is now a go!” before crashing to the ground and shattering.

Midget: <How is it that you cannot speak, read or understand English, yet each time you do a special move you yell a nonsense American phrase?>

Kenji: [shrugs]<I do not know. It is one of the eternal mysteries of life.>

The Midget harrumphs and pulls out a small electronic device.

Midget: <It is a good thing I am partially Asian. I was able to create this miniature camera out of nothing more than a toaster. I saw an odd flash right before you jumped that I wish to examine.> He hits play on his camera and watchers the scene in slow motion. After a minute he lets out a low whistle.

Kenji: <What?>

Midget: <See for yourself.>

Kenji watches the screen as the scene is replayed frame by frame. After the world turns white, every eighth frame shows a scene of Rove flying by in a plane that is pulling a banner that reads “Vote Republican in 2008 or the terrorists will win!”

Kenji: <Subliminal messaging….>

Midget: <I do believe Rove is more canny than people thought possible. And a fast mover, too.>

As Kenji and the midget continue the walk, the scene fades. Suddenly, Tex walks into the foreground.

Tex: And remember, kids! Republicans are good for you! Eat your breakfast, say your prayers, and make sure to take your Ronald Reagan vitamin pills every morning. You too can grow up to be a great and strong conservative! Like me!

Tex flexes his arms. Nothing happens, and then two little grape sized biceps pop up with a barely audible “bip!”.

[wld]

L.D. Williams and The Chairman are approached by Moderately Attractive Female Journalist #8.

MAFJ#8 : “L.D., this week you have a shot at Chris Alt’s Heavyweight Championship…”

LD: “I guess this is where I’m supposed to say that Chris Alt is a deserving champion, that I respect him greatly, and that the only thing that matters is that we put on a great match. Problem is, he’s not, I don’t, and I don’t really give a rat’s ass about the rest of it. Alt, we both know what happens when you get in my way. The only question is will I end your title reign, your career, or your life?”

Liao: "Clis Alt has only ruck on his side! He is no tlue master of Ancient Chinese Communist Fighting Arts! Ehr Dee Wirriams will destloy him with the powerful stlike of the Three Headed Yak!"

LD: "..."

Liao snaps his fingers and two Smoking Hot Geishas (TM) appear at his side.

Liao: "You want massage young rady? Flee of charge. You only modelately attlactive but sexuarry-deplived westerners not fussy. Make good money on internet."

MAFJ#8: "..."

Liao <shrugs>: "Your ross. I have massage instead. Be very reraxed for inevitable victory of Ehr Dee Wirriams!"

LD: <pauses to look at Liao, then shakes his head>“What he said. Alt, polish that belt. At the end of the night, I’m taking it home.”

[Chris Eco]

(Ecosystem walks upon Liao getting a massage.)

Ecosystem: <Japanese>

Liao: Herro? What you say?

Eco: You don't speak Japanese?

Liao: No! I am anshunt Chinese mastel!

Eco: My bad. All you slanty-eyed guys look the same.

Liao: You guys?

Eco: Fine, us.

LD: Ecosystem. What do you want? I heard you were mugging homeless people before.

Eco: Oh no, no. See, he was actually a Bush/Cheney operative sent to try to help me understand...

LD/Liao: <Blank Stares>

Eco: Never mind. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you good luck on your match against Chris Alt.

LD: Really now. <Raises eyebrow>

Eco: Yeah. I mean, women exposing their mammaries are nice and all, but it can become inappropriate. I've worked very hard to make this show fun for all ages, with wacky humor and harmless ethnic jokes.

Liao: Halmress?

Eco: More or less.

LD: Interesting. I appreciate the support.

Eco: If there's anything (winks) Tex or I can do to (winks) ...assist.... (winks) let us know(winks)

LD: Stop winking.

Eco: Okay. Can I have a geisha?

LD: Actually, there was one who was yelling at Liao earlier about Chinese imperialism encroaching on rightful lands of the Japanese and endangering the democracies of the world--

(Ecosystem throws himself at LD's feet in a fit of begging.)

LD: --I can introduce you two.

[Courtney]

(Courtney Shaw is WALKING! Very-Sexy-Christopher-Moltisanti-Lookalike-Reporter walks behind her, keeping about 10 feet in between them.)

Courtney: GATOR! Where the fuck are you? We need to talk!

(Exasperated, she stops and turns toward the reporter, signaling him to her.)

VSCMLR: Yes?

Courtney: Yes? Yes? You're my personal interviewer! Exclusive to me and only me! I signal to you. That means you're supposed to come and interview me and all you can think of to ask me is "Yes?" Where's Sawyer? He's so much better than you.

VSCMLR: I don't know. Can I ask you a question now?

Courtney: Go ahead. Since Gator hates doing promos, I guess it all falls to me.

VSCMLR: Why are you looking for Master Gator?

Courtney: Because he's my tag partner and we need to discuss strategy for our match. Duh.

VSCMLR: So, do you guys have a team name yet?

Courtney: No.

VSCMLR: Why not?

Courtney: Why is it important?

VSCMLR: BECAUSE! All the memorable teams have names. The Bushwackers! If they had done what you're doing, they would've only been Bo and Luke. No draw there! But with a good name, there were one of the most popular tag teams in history!

Courtney: But they sucked. You gotta give me a better example.

VSCMLR: Demolition.

Courtney: Yeah, they were awesome. Kinda like Money Inc.

VSCMLR: The Natural Disasters.

Courtney: The Dudley Boys

VSCMLR: APA

Courtney: The Legion of Doom

VSCMLR: The Freebirds

Courtney: The British Bulldogs

VSCMLR: The Beverly Brothers

Courtney: The Hart...Wait a second. The Beverly Brothers? The Beverly Brothers! Where the hell did you get those guys from?

VSCMLR: They were awesome! They had The Genius!

Courtney: Alright, that's it. When, or even if, Gator and I get a team name, it'll be better than ALL of those names. Especially the pussy-footed Beverly Brothers. For right now, we're Courtney Shaw and Master Gator.

VSCMLR: You sure? I got lots of ideas for a name.

Courtney: Honey, I don't keep you around for your ideas if you know what I mean. Now, do you know where Gator is?

VSCMLR: He said something about calling a prostitute.

Courtney: Huh, typical. Well then, I guess there's no reason to stick around. Let's go.

(Courtney and VSCMLR walk toward the exit when out of the corner of her eye, she sees Ecosystem. Running up to him, she superkicks him and he falls down in a heap.)

Courtney: Fucker. Now, let's go.

[Chris Eco]

Ecosystem: Ow.

Girl: Are you okay?

(Camera pan up to reveal a cute Asian girl with dark-rimmed emo glasses and a "THINK: It's not illegal yet" shirt.)

Eco: Uhhhhhh.........

Girl: Do you have a concussion?

Eco: No, no. I'm good.

(The girl helps Eco up who stumbles a tiny bit.)

Girl: You need to sit down, you got hit in the head pretty hard.

Eco: Yeah, that's not why I'm stumbling.

Girl: Excuse me?

Eco: Nothing. Are you Liao's friend?

Girl: If you mean one of the girls he bought off as possible wrestling valets and then attempted to turn us into demeaning stereotypes of sex slaves in Asia, then yes.

Eco: I love you.

Girl: What?

Eco: Nothing. (Extends hand) Ecosystem.

Girl: Sheila. (Shakes hand)

Eco: Um...are you doing anything tonight?

Sheila: Well, I rented a documentary called Control Room and I figured I'd watch it in the hotel room.

Eco: Control Room? About the importance of the Al-Jazzera TV network as a free and independent Arab news source?

Sheila: Yes! (Laughs) Would you like to come watch?

Eco: Um, yes. If that's all right with you. I mean, you're not inviting me over your hotel room or anything. I'll leave right after. I mean, I'll leave before the credits.

Sheila: Don't be silly.

Eco: Really? You mean--

Sheila: You can stay for the credits.

Eco: Ah.

[punk/core]

[Ryan Insert backstage, sitting on a trainer's table when he is approached by Large-Breasted Redheaded Interviewer]

Large-Breasted Redhead: Well Ryan, here we are coming up on the fifth PHWF show, and you're 0-4 so far... how can you pull yourself up from last place in the rankings?

Ryan Insert: Well, at least there's no place to go but up, right?

LBR: Good point. But you do realize you could easily be 2-2 right now, don't you? Both times you've gotten in the ring with Ryan Tab, you've cost yourself the match. Why?

Insert: I don't know. I can't even explain it. When I get in the ring with him, I... I just... I have to hurt him. Even if it means losing the match, something comes over me and I have to do everything I can to injure him.

LBR: Both times you've done that also cost you a shot at the N-Sanity Title... not the smartest time to get yourself disqualified.

Insert: I know. And I want that title. Badly. And I have yet to win even one match so far, so it's going to take me a long time to claw my way up to a title shot. But trust me, I'm not going to stop. I have a thirst for gold, and it's not going away.

LBR: A thirst for gold? I think you'd get along with my sister.

Insert: I..... wait, that's disgusting.

LBR: How do you think you'll fare in your Fatal Four Way match on Thursday?

Insert: I'm all about focus now. I just need that first win, and the momentum will go from there. The person who comes out on top in that match will be a good position to fight for the #1 contendership for the N-Sanity Title, and I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that person is me.`

LBR: What do you think about the competition in the division? Even if Johnny Adrenaline loses his match against Concrete, he'll still be in line for the title... Not to mention everyone else you'd have to go through just to get to him.

Insert: Which is fine. I think the division is amazing, and we've got some great competition here. And now that my head is on straight, I'm confident I can beat anyone. Be it Tab, Viper, Kenji, or Johnny... by the way, I heard he called you a bitch in his promo the other day.

LBR: Yeah, I didn't really get that I was standing there looking so pretty too.

Insert: Don't take it personally. He's gay.

LBR: I guess that explains it. Well good luck on Thursday. Are you almost ready to go back to the hotel?

Insert: Yeah, let's go. Oh... and give your sister a call. Have her meet us there.

[Andy]

As Ryan Insert is leaving with Large-Breasted Redheaded Interviewer he is stopped by FF Capslock

RI- Yeah, I'll be right there sweetie. Start the car. What's up, FF?

FFC- Is your head on strait?

RI- Yeah, totally. Why?

FFC- You have yet to win a match. And you're an amazing wrestler. What's going on with you?

RI- Well, couldn't you do something about that?

FFC- SHHHHH!

RI- Oh...right. I mean...uh...yeah, couldn't you help me...learn to wrestle...better?

FFC- You're already fuckin' awesome. The talent is there, the focus isn't. You need to get Tab out of your head and just wrestle. I'll tell you what, if you can just leave him alone this week and just do your best and stay focused, I'll see what I can do about getting you a match against Tab at PHWF 6. One on one. Gimmick for gimmick. The loser has to do something else.

RI- Sweet! You'd book that match for me?

FFC- Goddammit.

RI- I meant...you'd talk to Pun for me?

FFC- Yeah, we're buddies, I'll see what I can do.

RI- That's right, you guys are buddies on AIM.

FFC- Ryan...if you don't stop doing this you'll never win a match.

RI- Doing what? You're writing it, douche. Or are you so demented at this point that you don't realize that these are just voices in your head, not actual people.

FFC- Don't say that too loud...they can hear you...

[Jack Quinn]

<Ryan gives Lock a strange look and turns and walk away as Lock watches him leave, Moose runs in and breaks a 2x4 across the back of Lock's skull sending him to the floor in a heap>

MHJ<grabbing lock by the hair and pulling him up enough so they can see eye to eye> just so you didn't forget who you are facing this week. <slams Lock's face into the floor> You better forget about messin' around with the rookies Lock, if not, this is your last day alive.

Trust me

[Loki]

Kenji and the midget are watching the Punatron and see Jack assault FFC/

Kenji: <Why is this man so violent? This is not the first time I’ve seen him assault someone with a piece of wood.>

Midget: <You do not want to wrestle this man. He has a fetish for wood. Notice the way he strokes it? According to rumor he takes it home, places it in bed and sings “I want to make love to you Woody, I want to lay you down by the fire….”>

Kenji: [goes stone faced]<Why does this league have an excess of degenerates?>

Midget: <Such is America. Are you ready for your match tomorrow?>

Kenji: <Yes. I believe I understand the rules somewhat better now. And I have fought these people before, so now I know their strengths and weaknesses. I believe I shall prevail.>

Suddenly, a “Yoo-hoo! Boys!” echoes down the hallway. Kenji gets a hunted look in his eyes and starts looking around. <Which way did that come from?>

The Midget points down the hallway, where a shadow has appeared on the wall. “Kenji, my sweets! I’m a comin’ for the lovin’!”

Kenji grabs the midget by the shoulders <Don’t let her know where I’ve gone! Last time she grabbed my rear end! It was disgusting! And it took days to get the tobacco stains off my pants!> He runs at full speed down the hallway in the opposite direction.