PHWF 5: Entitlement (continued)
Mar 15, 2007 17:19:19 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Mar 15, 2007 17:19:19 GMT -5
JF- Coming up next though Courtney Shaw and Master Gator defend their PHWF Tag Team Titles against The GOP...again. Why do they deserve another shot, Pun?
Pun- Long story short? I have better things for my other tag teams to do. If anyone else wants to tag up and take a shot at Court and Gator, they can hit me up. I'll literally put anyone up there.
JF- Unless The GOP win.
Pun- Yeah fuckin' right.
Courtney Shaw/Master Gator vs. The GOP – PHWF Tag Team Championship Match
Courtney and Gator enter first to a REASONABLE OVATION~! Then, a pickup truck rides in playing the theme from Talladega Nights. The pickup truck parks in front of the ring, and out of it comes Tex (driving), Ecosystem (shotgun), Karl Rove (dragging a flatbed truck containing the disembodied heads of Barry Goldwater, Jack Kemp, Ronald Reagan, and Richard Nixon), BRICK~! (who was tied to the top of the Truck like a Christmas Tree), Super Mario (Attorney at Law), Papa Smurf, and Sheila, the Socially Conscious Geisha.
Referee: THAT IS RIDICULOUS! YOUR GROUP HAS TO LEAVE!
Eco: With due respect, your Holiness, we don’t know how we got them through the door in the first place.
Referee: Fine. JOSE, JUAN, MIGUEL, PABLO, PEDRO!
(Five Hispanic men hop over the audience barrier and build a giant fence between the GOP’s buddies and the wrestling ring in five seconds.)
Tex: Illegal immigrants. My old foes.
Eco: The ironic thing is that they built a fence to keep us out.
Eco starts off the match against Master Gator. They lock up, and Ecosystem falls back, monkey flipping Gator off. He jumps on Gator and throws punches until Gator monkey flips him off. Monkey flip. Funny word. Gator runs at Ecosystem with a flying lariat, but the lariat amasses SO MUCH POWER that he goes into dramatic slow-mo, giving Eco ample time to duck.
JF- Funny, I thought that only happened with Kenji.
Ecosystem runs over and tags Tex in, who immediately reacts by tagging Eco in. This goes on far past the point where it could have been considered comedic. Eventually, Gator just runs at them, and Eco and Tex double-elbow him in the face. Ecosystem and Tex do the Successful Teamwork Dance—which looks similar to the Macarena—and then Tex starts stomping away on Gator. He gestures to his penis and unzips his fly. TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS! Gator manages to roll out away from the steady stream of urine and tags in Courtney. Tex attempts to re-aim his stream at Courtney, but he runs out of pee.
JF – Oh good. We almost had an R. Kelly moment here.
Courtney smacks Tex really hard in the face, and he stumbles back. She grabs his leg, and flips him over into a half-Boston Crab.
JF – Can we PLEASE cover up Tex’s penis?
The referee attempts to pull up Tex’s trunks without touching his junk, and somehow succeeds. Meanwhile, Tex grabs the ropes, but Courtney pulls him off to the middle of the ring.
Eco: This sure does look bad. (Pause.) THIS SURE DOES LOOK BAD. (Pause. Ecosystem grabs a microphone.) THIS SURE DOES LOOK BAD, AND IT WOULD SURE BE LUCKY IF THAT WAS THE PHRASE HINTING THAT SOMEONE WAS SUPPOSED TO COME OUT AND INTERFERE!!!
SYB runs out through the audience and into the ring. Courtney releases the hold, and SYB delivers a kick to…Texas? The referee calls for the bell.
Winners by DQ in 2:26—The GOP
Ecosystem hops the ropes and delivers the Endgame to Courtney. Master Gator runs in, but SYB delivers the JERSEY TURNPIKE~! Meanwhile, Tex grabs the tag title belts, handing one to Ecosystem, and the three celebrate in the ring.
Ref: What are you doing?
SYB: Don’t you see? I aligned myself with the GOP, but I cleverly attacked them so that they’d win by disqualification, and thus become the new champions, starting our stable off on a high note.
Ref: …And who told you titles change hands by disqualification?
SYB: Dusty Rhodes?
Eco spears the referee. After a short pause. Eco and Tex drop the belts. The GOP looks at each other and just kind of shuffles off to their pickup truck.
JF – Wow. What a powerful stable has been formed today.
Pun- Yeah...jeez louise. But they did win. So I guess they deserve another shot. But that's it. If they fail to win the belts again, I'm moving on. At PHWF 6, Court and Gator vs. Eco and Tex in a No Disqualifications Street Fight!
JF- Alright! Why a streetfight, Pun?
Pun- Because I think Courtney would look hot wrestling in a pair of tight jeans...
JF- That's it?
Pun- Yup.
JF- You may be right. We'll find out won't we. Next we have a match between two men who are looking to destroy each other! Moosehead Jack and FF Capslock take each other on in a CAAAAAAGE MAAAAAATCH!
Pun- Sweet.
MOOSEHEAD JACK VS. FF CAPSLOCK- CAGE MATCH
F.F. Capslock comes down the aisle and walks slowly around the ring, testing the give of each side of the cage. Once he’s inside, Moosehead Jack comes out. He doesn’t waste time checking the cage and slides right into the ring. Now all we need is a referee. There he is, standing with Punisher by the cage door and shaking his head.
Referee: “HELL no.”
Punisher: “Get in the cage or you don’t get a paycheck.”
Ref: “I don’t get a paycheck now!”
SYB storms out of the back, microphone in hand.
SYB: “Pun, can’t you do anything without me? Not only am I your star attraction, now I have to referee too?”
SYB slides into the cage and calls FFC and MHJ to mid-ring.
SYB: “All right you idiots, wrestle. If you’re lucky, maybe I’ll let the winner face me.”
FFC and Jack exchange a look, shrug, and then grab SYB’s arms and run him face first into the cage. SYB falls between the ropes and the cage and lies there, bleeding. The referee, still outside the cage, locks the door and calls for the bell as Jack and FFC tear into each other – literally – Jack grabs a headlock and bites FFC’s forehead, drawing blood. FFC responds with a Greco-roman sac punch and follows up with a back suplex. FFC floats over and starts punching Jack in the face. Jack covers up and manages to roll away and get slowly to his feet. Jack ducks a clothesline and drives his elbow into the back of FFC’s head, slamming face into the cage.
Jack drives a forearm into FFC’s back, and hits a reverse DDT. He covers, but SYB isn’t moving. The outside ref comes around and slaps the cage, but FFC kicks out at two.
Jack picks FFC up, shoves him into the corner and gose to work with chops. An irish whip is reversed, and FFC kills Jack with a clothesline as he stumbles out of the corner. FFC stomps away at Jack, then grabs his legs and catapults him into the cage. As Jack’s forehead starts to pour blood, FFC drags him to the ropes and drops his sternum across the middle rope. FFC grabs Jack’s head and pulls it back against the top rope. When he lets go, Jack’s face smashes into the cage, spraying the first several rows of fans with blood. FFC drags Jack into the ring and climbs the ropes. The Spirit of Fresno connects and FFC covers. Again, it takes the outside referee several moments to get into position, and Jack rolls a shoulder at 2.9999.
FFC picks Jack up and drags him to the cage. He rakes Jack’s face across the cage and then drives him into the mat with a bodyslam. FFC climbs the turnbuckles again, and holds onto the cage for balance as he walks the top rope to the middle of the ring. FFC leaps for a splash, but Jack rolls out of the way. As FFC spits blood and tries to get his breath back, Jack uses the ropes to pull himself to his feet. He reaches into his tights and pulls out something wrapped in athletic tape. He unwraps the tape to reveal a strand of barbed wire. Jack wraps the wire around his fist and punches away at FFC’s already bloody forehead.
Jack sits FFC up and attempts to wrap the wire around his throat, but FFC elbows his way out. A kick to the midsection doubles Jack over, and FFC goes to the ropes, but he trips over a crawling SYB. FFC stumbles into the ropes and Jack takes advantage with a high knee to the back that drives FFC’s face into the cage. As FFC stumbles back, Jack catches his arm, twists it up, and nails a heart punch – with the barbed wire still on his fist. Jack pries his fist out of FFC’s chest and covers. SYB is out again, but he’s close enough for Jack to grab his hand and slap the mat three times.
Winner, in 18:06, Moosehead Jack.
Moosehead Jack gets up slowly and raises his fist in victory. Suddenly a masked man comes out from the ring, climps the cage and comes sailing off the top and smashes into Jack taking him down hard! The Masked Man gets up and lets out a giant yell. He poses for the crowd while the stagehands take the cage apart and assist the other wrestlers to the back.
JF- Oh my God! A mysterious masked figure just attacked Moosehead Jack! Who could it be!?
MM- It me Voltage!
Pun- Goddammit! This angle is supposed to stretch out for three weeks!
MM- I mean...uh...I might be Voltage. But maybe I'm NOT!
Pun- Why did I hire this guy?
JF- Which guy? Could be anybody!?
Pun- There you go, Joe. Way to earn that check.
JF- When is that check showing up, by the way?
Pun- Uh...eventually. Hey LOOK! Its Concrete TG vs. Johnny Adrenaline! I'll be damned!
JF- Oooo!
ohnny Adrenaline vs. Concrete TG—N-Sanity Division Title Match
Concrete TG comes out swinging by a cable, cape flapping in the wind, and flips off into the ring. Impressive. Johnny attempts to outdo him by walking down to the ring without tripping. Equally impressive. The bell rings and both of them run up to opposite turnbuckles in an attempt to leap on each other, but then realize that the other one is no longer on the mat. They sheepishly climb down.
JF – Mildly embarrassing.
The two lock up, and CTG pulls out the ARMDRAG OF EXTREME FACEISHOCITY! He pulls off a second, but on the third attempt, Johnny locks in the ARMBAR OF EXTREME DOUCHEBAGGITUDE! Will the clichés never cease?
JF – Will Concrete manage to fight out of this armbar? Inconceivable!
CTG breaks the armbar by PULLING HIS ARM OUT! Because Johnny is really PHONING IT IN! We should have given him a BONUS! Johnny swings with a right nook, but CTG ducks and comes back with a left hook. Johnny falls back, stunned partially by the force of the blow and the sheer brilliance of the concept of hitting with your left hand. CTG takes the opportunity to nail Johnny with an off-the-ropes clothesline. 1-2-Kickout! Well, Johnny gets his foot on the ropes anyway.
JF – We really should have paid him that bonus.
Concrete gestures to the top rope, and the fans cheer, because they know he’ll ascend the ropes but at the last second fall crotch-first on the turnbuckle when Johnny hits the ropes. Or maybe the fans don’t know that. Anyway, that’s what happened. Johnny ascends the turnbuckles and begins wailing on CTG, but gets pushed off. Seriously, why would anyone ever try that. It’s stupid. Anyway, Concrete comes off the top with a giant 5094598 degree splash.
JF – Does that mean he landed slightly on his head?
Pinfall attempt, but Johnny manages to kick out. Concrete is stalking Johnny, but Adrenaline pops up with the THUMB TO THE EYE! Shades of Jimmy Snuka! Kinda! Johnny then ascends the top rope and comes off with a 4.54975 x 10^53 degree splash. Unfortunately, you have to get kind of high for that jump to work, and Johnny gets caught in CTG’s cables and flops unceremoniously to the mat. That may, in fact, be Concrete’s finisher. CTG rolls over and gets the pin.
Winner and STILL N-Sanity Champion in 4:38: “Concrete” Takaken Gryfon.
JF- Oh my God!
Pun- What!? That was crap. I wanna see it again, but better. Let's see...uh...a ladder match next week. How's that?
JF- Sounds good to me! I'm always game to see these two lock up!
Pun- Alright! Let's see the main event! LD Williams meets Chris Alt for the PHWF Championship! These men are truely amazing and they will prove it to us right now!
JF- I can't wait! I LOVE WRESTLING!
CHRIS ALT vs. LD WILLIAMS
Williams is out first and is all business as usual. The champ comes to the ring next and takes his time slapping hands with the fans and kissing old ladies, never taking his eyes off of Williams. Alt slides into the ring and takes his title off and hands it to the ref, still never taking his eyes off of the Williams. The bell rings and both men slowly circle, collar and elbow tie up and Williams gets the advantage with a knee to the midsection. Williams whips Alt to the ropes and tries a clothesline but Alt ducks it and hits the ropes and catches Williams on the rebound with a Thesz Press. Alt hammers Williams in the side of the head with a couple of stiff shots, then pulls Williams to his feet and whips him to the corner and follows him in with a clothesline, then takes him out of the corner with a bulldog. Alt rolls Williams over but only gets a one count. Alt waits for Williams to get to his feet, Williams staggers against the ropes and Alt charges and tries a cross body block, but Williams ducks and low bridges Alt. Chris Alt sails over the top rope to the floor. Williams leaves the ring and kicks Alt on the face, then pulls him to his feet and slams him hard on the cement floor. Williams climbs to the apron and leaps, driving his elbow into Alt’s throat. As Alt gasps for breath Williams rolls him onto the ring and covers, but Alt kicks out at two. Williams pulls Alt to his feet and nearly decapitates him with a short arm clothesline, then follows that up with a hangman’s neckbreaker and another cover that gets a two count. Williams pulls Alt to a sitting position and tries to twist his head off, but can’t get the submission, so he breaks the hold, hits the ropes and knees Alt in the back of the neck. Williams slams him to the mat and covers again and once again only gets a two count. LDW pulls Alt up and tries an Irish whip, but Alt reverses it, Alt lowers his head too soon and Williams catches him and hits a nasty piledriver. Williams covers again and hooks the leg, but Alt rolls his shoulder just before the three count. Once again Williams pulls Alt to his feet and backs him into the corner, sets him on the top rope and hits a superplex. Williams floats over and gets a two count. Williams shows a little bit of frustration and tries to pulls Alt up again, this time Alt rocks him with a European uppercut. Williams staggers but comes back for more, Alt connects with a couple of shots to the midsection, then springs up and catches Williams with an enzuguri to the back of the head. Williams staggers back against the ropes and tries to regain his senses, Alt falls to his knees and tries to get up. While the referee has his back turned to Williams checking on Alt, Chris Cole runs to ringside, grabs the PHWF Title and SLAMS it in the back of Williams head, drops the belt and takes off to the back.. Williams is out on his feet, as Alt gets to his feet he staggers forward and Alt catches him with the SPINAL CONTUSION covers, and gets the three count! Did Alt even see Cole?
WINNER in 23:58 – Chris Alt
Pun- What the hell was that, Cole!?
CC- I'm gonna take that title from Alt and no one else! Make the match, Pun. I want Alt!
Pun- Yeah? Well, you just screwed Williams out of the PHWF Championship. You have to pay for what you did here. You wanted a match to prove yourself? Here it is. You face LD Williams at PHWF 6. You wanna be a main eventer? Here you go. Beat Williams and show me how good you are.
CC- You know what? Fine! I'll destroy Williams! But after I win the match, you better give me Alt!
JF- Oh my God! Concrete vs. Adrenaline! Attitude Adjuster vs. Chris Alt and Chris Cole vs. LD Williams! I can't wait! We'll see you at PHWF 6!
