[Lucky]

****
Yeah, maybe I'm just not familiar with the Gene you guys are. I was first exposed to him in WCW and while he was a mark for the faces and could be rude to the heels he didn't seem as short as he does in your posts. He'd let out a "Come on!" when heels were out of control or "You sir, disgust me" when someone was saying/doing something really bad but just turning to a heel partner and cursing him off seemed over the top. Bischoff I can kind of see since he's Bischoff. Rand hasn't seemed to do much heel worthy yet, besides what kinda played out like a Bond scene with Kendo.

But if Gene really was like this in the '80s, then good job. Like I said, I haven't been able to figure out if it was inaccurate or just a slightly turned up version of what I knew. I do remember him being a ridiculous prick towards the end of WCW and he'd just snap at any heel.

And I really never heard of Kendo before you gave me the pick so I wouldn't know what he was supposed to be. I'm basically getting all my info on the guy(s) from you.

[Tommy]

****
WCW Gene and WWF Gene were identical Lucky. If anything, he was more over the top in WCW. I dunno, between the no "I, Eric Bischoff", the weird Matt Stryker name change, and the vulgar Mean Gene; I'm just...confused.

[Batman]

****
Wait, Nowinski does a flying headbutt with a freaking helmet on and cracks Mickie's skull, and she's bleeding all over the place, and Rand thinks that's just hilarious and awesome, and that doesn't justify Gene losing his composure and cursing him out? A little?

That was intended as an intentional reference to the one time that he did let the F-bomb slip on the air:

[Batman]

: Thank you for once again joining us for Armageddon Wrestling at the legendary Minneapolis venue, First Avenue.



: We are here tonight to present to you a very special "Challenge" match between "Mankind" Mick Foley and Chris Nowinski.

On the screen:

A Special "Challenge" Match!
Helmets may be worn. Helmets may be used as weapons.
Winner faces "Gorgeous" George Wagner at The Big Bang and may choose any stipulation for said match.
vs. w/
"Mankind" vs. Chris Nowinski w/ "Gorgeous" George

: I am very surprised to say that we are joined tonight by my broadcast colleague, John Rand! I have a question for you, sir.... How in the world did you keep your job?

: Well, it's really very simple, Gene. I'm the only one who's willing to work with you! As a regular gig, Bischoff turned it down FLAT! Don't get me wrong, I agree with him that you're a pompous WINDbag! But coming here and telling you so to your face is one of the highlights of my DAY! I love color commentary!

(And, in all honesty, I'll admit, I had to promise never to no-show or kidnap anybody again.)


: Well! Be that as it may. We're about to see a match-up that has built up just an incredible amount of anticipation! There is just SO much on the line tonight!

: You're absolutely right about that much, Gene. Rumor is, tonight's match is very likely to determine the main event at Armageddon Wrestling's very first Super-Show!

If Foley wins he is guaranteed a revenge match against Wagner at the Big Bang, with any barbaric stipulation he might choose. And THAT is a match that would very obviously top the card.

But if Nowinski were to somehow pull out a win here tonight, that match would not happen, and what would be the main event instead? In my considered opinion, Armageddon Wrestling would be up Crap Creek without the proverbial paddle!

So, Gene, do you think that this consideration biased the President in choosing stipulations for this match which greatly favor hardcore specialist Mick Foley?


: You can say what you want, Rand. In my opinion the stipulations tonight are only fair, considering what happened in Nowinski's last match!

For any of you who may have missed that, because of his history of being prone to concussion, Nowinski was allowed a helmet in the previous Challenge match, with the understanding that any head-butts would be against the rules. In an act of mind-boggling hypocricy, Nowinski put the previous challenger Mickie Knuckles into the hospital and onto the disabled list with a head injury by delivering a flying head-butt.

After all of that, I can't see how anybody could claim that there is any bias in putting Mr. Nowinski into a match where helmeted head-butts are legal. Unlike poor Ms. Knuckles, at least Nowinski's head will be protected.

: True, but not his ribs, not his limbs--the potential for injury in this match tonight is off the charts!


: You reap what you sow in this business, Rand, you should know that by now! And that's what it's all about... will Mick Foley--or, as he would have it, "Mankind"--give Nowinski a little taste of his OWN medicine? But much more is on the line as well!

Nowinski may have been the one who physically caused the injuries to Ms. Knuckles, but no-one doubts that the mind behind the actions that night--their planner--was the man behind Nowinski, his mentor, Gorgeous George!

Mankind needs a double-you tonight if he wants his opportunity for a measure of revenge against Mr. Wagner, as well. And, as my broadcast collague has pointed out, that's a match that would be a surefire main event! A match that everyone would be talking about! And Nowinski has a chance to save his mentor from having to face that!

Uh-oh! Here comes the red carpet!


Two young men roll out a red carpet. Then they go backstage and come out with the goblets of flower petals and stand one at each side of the entrance. Jeffries comes out and does his shtick with the atomizer.





The young men advance toward the ring scattering petals behind them. George strolls the path of petals to ringside. He seems a little too preoccupied to worry about offensive smells tonight. Besides, these fans have already been trained to hate George and boo him vociferously without the need for cheap heat tricks.

George gives his entrance robe to Jeffries and takes his place by one corner.

The Harvard Fight Song ushers in Nowinski.





: Nowinski's corner looks... tense.

: You are such a hypocrite! You wouldn't subtly mock if one of your favorites--one of the fan's favorites--were in trouble like this!


Johnny Cash starts, and then it switches over to "Schizophrenic."



Then, enters Mankind:




Foley and George appear to be engaged in a staredown of DOOM! Let's watch:

















: And the referee is calling for the bell! Wait! What's that! The moment the bell rang to start the match, Gorgeous George threw a towel into the ring! The referee has declared Mankind the winner by forfeit! I've got to find out what's going on!

Gene pulls off the headphones, picks up a mic and heads to ringside.


As he's walking over toward George, Mankind intercepts him and grabs his mic.

: _{HELL!....... IN A CELL!!}

Mankind heads straight to the back and Gene continues on to interview George.


: George! George! Mr. Wagner! Why did you choose to forfeit this match? Do you know what this means?

: Yeah! Why? I could have taken him! Maybe. I was willing to try.

: Thank you my dear boy. You have no idea how it warms my heart that you were willing to take on that homicidal maniac in an attempt to save me from having to face him later.

But he would have injured you, my boy. And given the insane rules of this match, injuring you would not have cost him the match. So I still would have had to face him, but without you in my corner.

: But it's Hell in a Cell! What good will a corner-man do you there?

: Ah! You need to watch more tape, my boy. A corner-man does not come into play in most instances of this horrific ordeal of a "match" but there have been exceptions. [Nowinski and George are talking as they head to the back, and are slowly getting out of range of Gene's mic.] This "Paul E" fellow seems to really understand how this business works... You will watch, and you will learn....


: Well, there you have it folks! Now it is official! A match that is sure to be promoted as the main event of Armageddon Wrestling's very first Super-Show, the Big Bang!

The angry and violent Mankind will take on the Human Orchid Gorgeous George, with the Harvard quarterback Chris Nowinski in his corner.

It will happen in the most violent and brutal match ever devised by man... that satanic structure... HELL IN A CELL!!

[Lucky]

****

When Gene is drafted he calls Rand "revolting", "despicable", and that he nauseates him. Which struck me as way too much for what Rand had done thus far. And while he was laughing at the Nowinski/Knuckles thing the comment that triggers Gene's curse off was "This is what we do for free, imagine what you get on PPV."

I don't know, I don't think Rand is coming off quite as evil as you intend him to be. At least not to have announcers just cursing and freaking out on air. And while Nowinski making Knuckles bleed may be bad we've seen much worse and even when guys like Schiavone and JR lost their cool they weren't as belligerent as Gene.

Which is really more my point. After a few AWA "shows" I hate Gene Okerlund and really hope he gets fired. Because he brings down the product, IMO. A woman who uses weapons in death matches volunteers to fight a man and when she gets busted open its enough to make him lose his shit? Even Don West isn't that bad.

[Batman]

****

I don't know man, the point wasn't that a hardcore death-match wrestler was bleeding, the point was that a guy who is an activist for concussion prevention, who got to wear a helmet because of his concerns about getting a concussion, used that same helmet to give his opponent a concussion. Gene (and Foley) found the hypocrisy disgusting, and Gene was even more disgusted by Rand celebrating this as an awesome reason to tune in. And then he lost his composure.

Other than that one time, Rand and Okerlund insulting each other (and Rand does insult Gene as much as Gene insults him...) is basically just banter.

[Batman]

****

Oh, and BTW Mike, I have no idea about this "I, Eric Bischoff" thing. Was it a WCW thing? Here's one of Bischoff's most memorable promos, when he was first introduced as the new GM on Raw. He spends the whole time talking about himself and everything he accomplished:



He didn't use that phrase once....

[Batman]

: We recently received a package here at the Armageddon Wrestling offices addressed from John Rand in a plain brown envelope. Now my first suspicion was that the maniac had decided to add letter-bombing to his list of felony offenses. But no, it was just a video tape.

Now, I watched this video, and I personally don't think it would be of any interest to anyone--but I was over-ruled.

So, just in case it is of some interest to somebody, here is a bizarre glimpse into the strange workings of the mind of John Rand:


:

Hi, this is John Rand with another edition of the Object Lesson, where--if you're not careful--you just might learn something! No, no... no captive audience this time, just like I promised. Spin the camera around, guys!

The camera spins around 360 degrees. The only other people in the studio are the Black Shadow and Kendo Nagasaki II



There is also an on-its-side roulette wheel like the "spin-the-wheel-make-the-deal" wheel.

: First, an announcement. Since his old mentor has forsaken him to side with the so-called "good guys," Kendo Nagasaki is without the partner he had been anticipating here. This was very reminiscent to the Black Shadow of a betrayal he experienced long ago. Decades ago, the Black Shadow and the Blue Demon comprised a tag team that was the scourge of Mexican wrestling. But on the night that Santo took the Black Shadow's mask from him, he didn't just cost him his anonymity and his mystique, he also cost him his partner. Because when he saw the Black Shadow fall, the Blue Demon cravenly switched sides and became a técnico. Much like "Kendo Nagasaki" did recently.

So the Black Shadow has invited the real Kendo Nagasaki here to join him to form a NEW iteration of the Shadow Brothers! Congratulations guys, I'm sure your partnership will be filled with success--particularly with me managing you!

So! I proudly introduce to you Armageddon Wrestling's latest and greatest tag team: The Shadow Brothers!

O, Fortuna




: But! That teaming is not without its drawbacks! You see, the Black Shadow would LOVE to get his hands on his old enemy Santo once again, and avenge his loss from all those years ago. But Kendo wants to go after his unfaithful old mentor. But they are in two different tag teams! So, do we go after the Atomic Two? Or the Champions of Justice?

Of course, I have the solution. But that will have to wait till next time.

On to tonight's "Object Lesson"! I've been hearing that some of you don't get where I'm coming from. What's this philosophy he's always going on about? Why are the so-called "good guys" always on his case so much? Other than that one kidnapping (oh, and injuring Mr. Mascara's eyes--TWICE--let's not forget that!) what did he ever do that was so bad? Are they over-reacting a little?

Now I hate to ever agree with the "good guys," but no, they aren't over-reacting. I'm the biggest threat around to everything they believe in. That's because I know--I can see--that their beliefs--their values--are upside down. And I have the eloquence to convincingly explain what I believe in, and the courage to fight for what I believe in. Not to mention the brains to make plans that stymie them at every turn.

But "their values are upside down" that's just a fine-sounding phrase, right? Just a catchy way to say "we disagree," yes?

No, it means much more than that, but it isn't simple to explain.

Luckily, I brought a visual aid! Behold: the Wheel of Morality!



: When I was a kid I used to play this dorky little game where you'd pretend to be a knight or a wizard and pretend to go on quests and crap. OK, yeah, I played it a little in high school, too. Yes, and maybe occasionally in college, but that's really not the point. There's one thing about that nerdy game that always stuck with me. They didn't just split people's motivations into the black-and-white of "good" and "evil," or even just the shades of gray in between. Instead, they envisioned values as a compass, with two separate axes, four different directions, and all of the gradations in between. They called this "the Great Wheel."

I prefer to call mine "the Wheel of Morality." And not just because of the hilarious segment on that one cartoon. My wheel has one big advantage over "the Great Wheel." The Great Wheel has all of these amazing gradations and different directions you can go in, but just one orientation. Good is always pointed up. But my wheel...

My wheel spins....


But before we do any spinning, let's go over the traditional compass points. Some of them are probably unfamiliar to non-nerds in the audience. First, there's the traditional axis of good and evil. At the top there is good--helping others, being selfless. Down here, there's evil--hurting people, maliciousness. In the middle there's neutral--minding your own business. But then there's this other axis, with law and order on the left, and chaos on the right.

But then there are so many ways to combine them. Put "Law" and "Good" together and you get "Justice"! But combine "Law" with "Evil" instead and you get fascism, despotism! Combine "Chaos" with "Evil" and you get anarchy, survival-of-the-fittest. But combine chaos with good, and this implies freedom and independence. "Live and let live"!

A person associated with Law and Good might be described as "saintly" or "selfless." A champion of justice. A person associated with both Law and Evil might be described as "Power Mad"! A person who is Chaotic and Evil might be described as "Malignant" or a human cancer. Rand points to himself. Whereas a person associated with both "Chaos" and "Good" would likely be described as a "Freedom Fighter."

Rand has been scribbling notes on the wheel as he speaks, resulting in....



The material used for the wheel is apparently a dry-erase board. He erases his notes now.

: This is the normal way of looking at "the Great Wheel." But now let's give it a spin!

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn! Tell us the lesson that we should learn!

Rand gives his wheel a spin. He stops it and adjusts it to exactly where he wants it.



: Now, THIS! This is the way the wheel should point! Where it says "Evil," I write "Strong"! Assertive! Where it says "Chaotic," I write "Independent"! Where it says "Good," I write "Weak"! "Naïve"! Where it says "Lawful," I write "Busy-body"! People who stick their noses into other people's business! And the combination of "Good" and "Lawful," where we had written "Saintly" and "Justice" before? That's where I write "MARTYR"! "HYPOCRITE"! Actually I don't seem to have room to write "hypocrite," but you get the idea.



: These so called "Champions of Justice" they are the real villains. They claim they want to help, but what they really want is admiration! They claim that they are out to promote "fairness" but they actually just want to control people--but without being hated for it like an honestly ambitious man, like Bischoff.

Now, that may have seemed like a lot of rigmarole just to explain my philosophy of life to you. And you're right. Unlike the "heroes," I don't expect you to agree with me or even to care what I think. I think you'd be better off, but it isn't my responsibility to improve your life. That's your choice!

But this Wheel can explain a lot more than just my personal philosophy. It can also explain a lot about the politics and factions around here. Rand erases his notes again.

You see, over here on the right, you have the nWo. Power mad, in everybody's business, sure.... But at least not hypocrites about it. And on the left you have the anti-nWo faction. And in the middle are the competitors, wrestlers who aren't fighting for any cause , but mainly just want to prove that they're better than their opponent. Sure some of them might have slight tendencies one way or the other, but competing is their primary goal. Most of the wrestlers fit here--Foley, George, Show, Lashley. Then at the bottom you have the "heroes"--The Champions of Justice, and Santo--poisoning us all with their pathetic need for admiration, gratitude, and emulation. And, opposing them, at the top of the wheel, it's me and my anti-heroes.



: The interesting thing about all of this is--the two conflicts have NOTHING to do with each-other! It makes no difference to the one fight who wins the other. It's in the best interest of each of the factions to stay out of the other fight and avoid opening up a new front in their own battle.

This is my main point tonight. I am offering my own neutrality to both the nWo and the anti-nWo faction in return for your neutrality in my battle against the Champions of Justice. And Santo.

I'll stay out of your business and make no alliances with either side, as long as you stay out of mine. I know that this will be a particularly hard deal for you to make, Eddie Guerrero, since your father Gory is mixed up with my enemies. Don't worry, we'll go easier on him. He's not really one of them, just tied to them by old loyalties.

I hope both sides will give serious consideration to my proposal.

And if anyone out there learned something tonight... well, you can't say I didn't warn you!


: And that's that! The rantings of a mad-man, or the blitherings of an idiot? You decide.

Thank you and good night!

[Batman]

SIMULCAST!!
: Folks, we've just received some BLOCKBUSTER news about the main event of the Big Bang. I'm sending it over to Gorgeous George, who can tell you all about it!


:
Good afternoon. As I'm sure you have heard, the main event of Armageddon Wrestling's first Super-Show the Big Bang will see me taking on that infamous maniac who calls himself "Mankind" within the confines of that merciless structure known as "Hell in a Cell."

This will not be a "match." A "match" has rules. A "match" involves the application of the scientific principles of wrestling by honorable competitors.

THIS... will be a battle. As some do, this battle will have conditions under which hostilities must cease. If one man gives up. If one man is pinned for a count of three. But there are no rules, nothing horrible enough, vile enough that either wrestler could be disqualified. There are no rules... and there is no escape.

This will not just be a battle between Gorgeous George and Mankind. THIS... will be a battle between civility and savagery. A battle between class and gauche, between gentility and boorishness.

There has been no fight more symbolic of the conflict between all that is civilized and genteel and all that is savage and crass--of science and skill versus pure brute force--since Jim Jeffries took on Jack Johnson back in nineteen-ten.

If I win, I do not win only for myself. If I lose, we all lose something.

When I agreed to enter this lion's den and meet this avatar of savagery on behalf of all civilization, I asked for just one thing, one tiny concession to sanity and good sense: an official.

An official who may be counted on not to be intimidated by this beast of a man I will be facing nor by this diabolic structure we will be entering. An official whom NO-ONE could take liberties with or push around, and who will call the match straight down the middle, even should the WORLD collapse all around him.

I'm talking about a man who has officiated some of the biggest matches in wrestling history, including the main event of the first Wrestlemania.

A man whom Sports Illustrated has acclaimed "the Sportsman of the 20th Century." (They were mistaken of course, but he certainly ranks a close second....)

One of the greatest fighters of all time, very likely THE greatest boxer of all time.

The man who floats like a butterfly, yet stings... like a bee.

The very special guest referee for the main event of the Big Bang...

My good friend... The greatest of all time (almost)... The one and only... Cassius Clay!


What's that? Oh, I did? Oh, I forgot!...

I'm sorry, excuse me, make that... Muhammad Ali!




You old scoundrel! You forgot my NAME! AGAIN!!

: Well... it's just old habit, my friend....

: It's only BEEN forty years!

: It HAS been a long time, hasn't it? I never would have imagined--back when I was giving you a few pointers on self-promotion--that someday your success would eclipse even my own. If I had, I might have kept my mouth shut!


: You know?! I have one other beef with you! Jeffries? Johnson? Nineteen-ten? What about the Rumble in the Jungle? Nineteen-seventy-four? Was THAT not an epic contest between skill and brute force?


: Of course! Of course, my dear boy! It's just that... well... I anticipate outdoing that one!

: ...
...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! You're ALL RIGHT, George!

Now as for you, Mankind, I hear you're one tough, crazy customer! And even uglier than I am pretty! But once we're in that cell, and it's my job to determine the winner, you're not going to push around the Greatest of All Time!

And YOU, George! You're not going to be getting any favors from ME just because we're old friends.

: Wouldn't dream of it!

: Of COURSE you would! But it won't work! I am the Greatest of All Time, and I WILL call this match right down the middle! Nothing! Not threats, no blandishment, no friendship, no punishment: No, nothing on this EARTH would deter me from doing my JOB as referee!

SPECIAL MAIN EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT!

Will Gorgeous George Survive... HELL IN A CELL?!
vs.
Mankind vs. "Gorgeous" George

With Very Special Guest Referee!...

The Greatest of ALL TIME! MUHAMMAD! ALI!

[Batman]

And here's a version of the press packet with the most recent updates:

PRESENTS!...

The Big Bang Super-Show!

At the Really-Freakin'-Big...

H.H.H. Metrodome!

Will Gorgeous George Survive... HELL IN A CELL?!
vs. w/
Mankind vs. "Gorgeous" George w/ Chris Nowinski

With Very Special Guest Referee!...

The Greatest of ALL TIME! MUHAMMAD! ALI!


Can the Big Show Prove That He's the Best Ever?
vs. w/
The Big Show vs. Bobby Lashley w/ Mae Young

Will a Mask Help Eddie Avenge a Tag-Team Partner's Betrayal?
vs.
Black Tiger vs. the Great Sasuke

Will Eric Bischoff Remain Commissioner?
vs.
Antonio Inoki vs. Mister Black Jack

Speed?... or POWER?!
vs.
Las Parejas del Terror, the Terror Two (Love Machine & Eddy) vs. EXCESSIVE FORCE! (Afa & Sika)

Also Appearing...

Santo & Gory, Okerlund & Rand

Máscaras & Nagasaki, The Black Shadow & Nagasaki II, Eric Bischoff

Crusher & Bruiser, The Rock & Roll Express
and Many More Still to be Announced...

[Batman]

Free Will:

: Thank you everybody for coming here tonight to meet the latest two draft picks for Armageddon Wrestling.

In particular, I'd like to thank my enemies--The Champions of Justice, and the Atomic Two--for having the courage to come here, as invited... to come into the lion's den, in a manner of speaking.

And I want to reassure you... that you were not invited here for a TRAP, or an AMBUSH, or a BRAWL. Rather, to receive a challenge.

But first, to meet some new--and old adversaries.


First up is Leatherface Kirchner!




: A man who was once one of the most beloved heroes in American wrestling--Corporal Kirchner. But he turned his BACK on all of that to become one of the most feared and despised MONSTERS in Japanese wrestling--LEATHERFACE!

His dreaded signature match, the BED-OF-NAILS match, and the things he did to opponents who DARED to face him in that environment, are the stuff of legends--horror stories still whispered about in fear in Japan!


All of this will make him a perfect match for the legendary and dreaded CAVERNARIO GALINDO!




Galindo and Gory each try to charge at each other, but their respective friends hold them back....


: Yes, I haven't forgotten that Guerrero versus Galindo was the first true blood feud in Mexican wrestling. But the resumption of hostilities between you two will have to wait!

Rudolfo Galindo was known as "Cavernario" or "Cave-Man" because of his terrifying visage--caused by horrific facial scars--and because of his incredible savagery both inside of the ring and out!

Legend has it (and Galindo himself assures me that it is true) that one day some fans thought that they could rattle Galindo from what they thought was merely a pose of savagery! They threw a giant python into the ring with him. Galindo responded by killing the creature with his BARE HANDS and eating its flesh RAW in front of thousands of spectators!

In their long and never-really-settled feud Galindo and Guerrero had some of the most bloody and brutal matches in the history of professional wrestling.


Across time and across the globe, these two kindred spirits--Galindo and Kirchner--now finally have the opportunity to meet. Not only to meet, but to JOIN FORCES!... to terrorize the world of professional wrestling together!

I am proud to introduce to you the latest addition to my faction the Anti-Heroes, the most brutal and dreadful tag team ever assembled, the team of Leatherface Kirchner and Cavernario Galindo... THE SAVAGE BROTHERS!

"Devil Inside"...




And I think you all see how this compounds the problem I mentioned before...

No? It's not clear? I think then that maybe it's time for another edition of the Object Lesson!

Where--if you're not careful--you just might learn something! Don't say I didn't warn you!

Now, in anticipation of needing to clear up any confusion about the problem facing the Heroes and the Anti-Heroes, I brought a little visual aide.

Rand motions to a flip-chart pad on a big easel. He flips over the blank top page to reveal this page underneath:



As he speaks, Rand draws lines with a big red marker between the wrestlers he mentions.

: Now, these two wrestlers--Guerrero and Galindo--have a blood-feud that's never really been settled. Black Shadow still has issues with Santo about their mask match from so long ago, and Santo luring his old partner the Blue Demon over to the "good guys." And then there's Kendo Nagasaki and... Kendo Nagasaki.



: Um... they... they have the same NAME! Naturally, they must destroy each other! I was tempted to put an old nemesis of Mister Mascara in this last spot, to complete the circle of hate we have going here. Like the Destroyer... but he... just wasn't Savage enough. There's no old feud between Leatherface and Mil, but nonetheless it should be clear that there is no way individual tag-team matches could settle all of this.

The obvious answer would be an eight-man tag, but... those really suck. Just too chaotic for the audience to follow very well. Besides, we aren't two teams of four, we're two alliances comprised of two tag-teams each. So I came up with a match concept that works off of that--a match that combines elements of a tag-team match and a hurricane match, of an elimination match and a match where you're done if your partner gets pinned. So you'll have the opportunity to be outnumbered underdogs, which I know you just LOVE.

I call it a "Tag Team of Tag-Teams Team-Elimination Match." (Though I'm open to suggestions for a catchier name...) In it, two tag teams--four men--are legal at any given time. If you make a tag, both you and your partner go to the corner, and both members of the team you tagged are now legal. If your partner was in the middle of pinning someone OR being pinned when you make that tag, that count is interrupted. It's an elimination match, but only two eliminations are needed for the victory, not four, since if one member of a tag-team is pinned or whatever, the whole team is eliminated, leaving their allied team alone in a four-on-two situation.

So, all that remains is: do you accept the challenge, "heroes"?


: Si!

: Yes! er, "Si!"

[Demko]

****

Serge... some of your stuff has me interested (mostly, the Gorgeous George/Mick Foley stuff), but some of it makes me wonder when we requested a history lesson on the legends of wrestling?

[Batman]

****

Jul 20, 2008 23:16:06 GMT -5 Demko said:

Serge... some of your stuff has me interested (mostly, the Gorgeous George/Mick Foley stuff),

Well, I'm glad you find that storyline the most interesting, as it's my main event and I've put a lot of effort into making it the most interesting.

but some of it makes me wonder when we requested a history lesson on the legends of wrestling?

Wow, the history lesson has yet to begin, look at the wrestlers I drafted, but haven't yet introduced. So I can't say that aspect is going to get better for you.

Then again there are just three more matches to set up, so there isn't actually too much of that stuff left.

[Batman]

:

Hullo, Kendo Nagasaki here to introduce Armageddon Wrestling's next draft pick. I've been chosen to have the honor of introducing him because he's a fellow Lancastrian--we have very similar wrestling origins. He's one of the greatest technical wrestlers of all time, he's the proide of British wrestling, I'm talking about...

BILLY... ROBINSON!

"How Soon is Now?" plays, then Billy Robinson appears on the big screen.



Billy Robinson:

Sorry, but I'm not going to be there in person tonight, I'm speaking to you all from Wigan, in Greater Manchester, England....


: Well, that's a shame! Couldn't you get a flight? We could have rescheduled, you know....

: It's not that.

: Oh! Of course not. You must have gone to a lot of trouble to arrange for a trans-Atlantic satellite feed. Why have you decided to address us from over there?


: It's very simple. Everything you just said about me is true. I am one of the greatest technical wrestlers in history. I am the pride of Great Britain.

On top of all of that, I wrestled over there in Minnesota for years, and helped Verne Gagne train lots of their local heroes over there. AND YET... they seem to have forgotten all about me.

So, if I need to introduce myself to the Minnesota fans all over again, I think I need to bring it back to where it all started--where I started. THE SNAKE PIT!


The camera pans around at a dingy old basement training facility. A small gaggle of Japanese tourists are snapping photos.


: This is one of the most legendary training facilities in the history of professional wrestling. Right up there with Stu's Dungeon and Verne's Farm. I trained here, Dynamite Kid trained here. Marty Jones--the man who trained Regal--trained here, as well as the man who trained you Kendo!

: Count Bartelli, yes, of course.

: Karl Gotch, the man the Japanese call the "God of Wrestling" trained here, too. Puroresu fans consider THIS PLACE the spiritual home of professional wrestling, and make pilgrimages here. Robinson gives the Japanese tourists a wave.

And I'm proud to introduce Armageddon Wrestling's next draft pick, the man who trained ALL of those legends, the one and only... BILLY RILEY!



Billy Riley:

Oh no, you keep the microphone, I don't... Uh. Hullo folks! Uh. Proud to be a part of the shew... Take this dem thing back!

: The two of us are going to tag up for a while, and teach all of the other teams in Armageddon Wrestling a little something about what technical wrestling is all about! A little something about the style of wrestling we call CATCH! And a little respect for Manchester--the World Capital of Wrestling!


"Funkytown"


Eddie Sharkey:

Manchester. Wigan. The WORLD Capital of Wrestling, huh? And all of those greats that you trained, Riley. I bet they call you "the Trainer of Champions," don't they? Oh, wait... no, they don't...

Sharkey is poking his own chest with his thumb.

They! Call! ME! That!

Think about it! You trained some greats, no doubt about that, but how many of THEM have even been drafted before now? I think that the Dynamite Kid's the only one!

All of my guys have been drafted, practically. Because they're champions--In the USA, where it matters! Look at all of my guys who have already been drafted! Sharkey is clearly referring to a sheet of paper in his hand.

Rick Rude in Round 2! The Legion of Doom in Round 3! The Steiner Brothers in Round 3! Smash in Round 4! Austin Airies in Round 5! (Snapped him up quick. Good for him.) The Minnesota Home Wrecking Crew in Round 8! Jerry Lynn in Round 9! Jesse Ventura in Round 9! (Not till then?) Madusa in Round 9! Waltman in Round 10! Nikita Koloff in Round 10! Shawn Daivari in Round 11! Bob Backlund in Round 13! (He was World Champ when that really MEANT something!) Lenny Lane in Round 13! Tom Zenk in Round 17! (MAN! Even Zenk?) The Beverly Brothers in Round 24! ODB in Round 25! Bam Neely in Round 28! (And that kid's still green!)

I have been given the authority to pick one partner from anyone who is left of this long list of wrestlers I trained! It was originally going to be two, but the list was so thoroughly raided that the plan was scaled back! But there are still PLENTY of great names on this list, and I choose...

JOHN NORD!


John Nord:

Billy Robinson! You may be Riley's star student! And me? I'm nowhere near Sharkey's star student, and I know it! Maybe if I hadn't been saddled with dumb Viking gimmicks things might have turned out differently, but that's not the point!

I may BE a second-stringer when it comes to Minneapolis wrestlers, but whenever you get together the GUTS to come here and face me, I'll STILL kick your ass all the way BACK to the Snake Pit!


nWo B&W:


: Hey, sorry to break in! But I just LOVE the idea of you guys fighting it out to determine where the real WORLD CAPITAL OF WRESTLING is! I just like the phrase "WORLD CAPITAL OF WRESTLING"!

But settling it in just ONE match? No, no, NO! INSTEAD! I'm going to have a CUP made. A trophy! And I'm going to call it the MINNEAPOLIS CUP! And award it to TEAM MINNEAPOLIS, Eddie Sharkey and John Nord....


: What? You're just going to HAND it to them?

: Oh? Does that make you angry? GOOD! Anger leads to hate, hate leads to violence, violence leads to RATINGS! ...and pay-per-view buys and ticket sales, in short... MONEY!

Yes, I'm going to call this WORLD CAPITAL OF WRESTLING Cup the Minneapolis Cup and just HAND it to Team Minneapolis, and the REASON is... well, it's too late to flip a coin to decide where we're going to hold the Big Bang! And one of the benefits of holding this CUP is... that you get the home field advantage when you defend it. So, this IS going to start out as being the Minneapolis Cup, and TEAM Minneapolis will have to defend that cup at the Super-Show against TEAM MANCHESTER--and, yes, I do mean you two, Billy and Billy over there....

They will defend the cup in a three-match series--called the World Capital of Wrestling Cup--with different stipulations for each match! Now--Team Manchester--IF you should win this series... then the Cup would be RENAMED the Manchester Cup! Just like that sailing cup--America's Cup or Australia's Cup or I suppose it could be Luxembourg's Cup by now, for all I know. AND... the next Super-Show would then be held in Manchester, so you would have the home-field advantage for defending it. You DO have an arena in Manchester, yes?

: ....


: So what do you fellows say? Are you up for it?

: Oh, HELL yeah!

: All right. We're in.

[Batman]

nWo B&W


: Tonight, I'm here to introduce two more of Armageddon Wrestling's last few draft picks. Two amazing, legendary wrestlers.

Amazing, legendary, OLD, long-forgotten, I don't know why they're here, it wasn't my decision!

So, whatever the reason may be, here they are, Farmer Burns and Danny Hodge.


[Farmer Burns:] [Danny Hodge:]

The two have never met before, but it appears to be hate-at-first-sight, as they are giving each other the glare of death!


: Now according to what I'm reading here the two of you were drafted, not to be in a tag team, not to join any faction, but specifically to have a one-on-one match with each other!

And it's not just because you're two of the greatest ever. Not just because you're two of the greatest in your weight-class. It's because the two of you are both known for your legendary strength--and legendary feats of strength--for your size.

I see here that YOU Farmer Brown...

: Farmer Burns!

: ...excuse me, Farmer Burns ...despite weighing in at only 165 pounds--developed your neck until it was twenty inches around, and you would--as a stunt at carnivals--allow yourself to be dropped six feet from the gallows with a noose around your neck, with no ill effects.... Wow!

While it says here that YOU, Danny Hodge...

...

: Oh, no, you got my name right.

: Oh. Well, it says that despite weighing in at only 175 pounds, you were famed for the incredible strength of your grip. It says that you were reputed to be able to break pliers in your bare hands in your prime. And that even in your 70s you still had the grip to crush an apple in one hand, which you demonstrated on live television when you were invited as a guest at the NCAA wrestling finals in 2006.

Wow.

OK, I think that it's clear what the stipulations of this match should be. It should be a sleeper-hold only match! What do you gentlemen think?

: I only have one problem with that... in MY day, they called the "sleeper" hold by a different name, which I think would sound more dramatic. We should call it a Strangle-Hold Match!

And I defeated the Strangle-Hold of Evan "Strangler" Lewis. You can't beat me with it!


: Lewis may have had a hell of a Strangle-Hold, but he didn't have a grip like mine. He pulls an apple out of his pocket and crushes it.

I have double tendons!

: You do not! That doesn't even make sense!

: Do too!

fade.

[Lucky]

****
I actually kind of enjoy the history lessons. Learn a little something about wrestling and even if I don't enjoy the angle or story I got something out of reading it. Reading Rand rant about D&D (I presume) or Bischoff about manga is where Serge loses me.

And sorry, Rand still doesn't strike me as terribly evil. But it seems like your fed is based on very strict and old ideals of Good vs Evil especially with your using the "hero dons a mask to become something dark" deal twice on the same card. So maybe Rand is evil in a more... "stuffy" way. Which I guess would validate Okerlund, Mascaras, and other's reactions to him as very... "stuffy" faces.

Which I don't mean to be rude about. Just looking for a way to describe how STRICTLY your faces seem to hold to the ideas of good and evil that it actually makes me see them as pretty rigid and old fashioned when many people would agree that my standards tend to fall more conservatively than the masses. But its a fed made up largely of guys who wrestled before the Clique had their first kisses (presumably not with each other) so I guess it fits.

Crushing an apple in his hand was my father's old trick to show how strong he really was and convinced me to use his old grip strengthener thingie. So you made me chuckle there.

[Mr. Dashbee]

****

I loved the last promo. Bischoff being a dickhead heel authority figure, totally running down the two legends before him. Burns & Hodge providing history lessons (which I, too, find useful).

And it all ends with "Do Not!" "Do Too!"???

Brilliant!

[Batman]

"Hot Blooded"


Enter the Rock & Roll Express:


They look around like they're a little confused as to what they're supposed to be doing, then go have a seat behind one of two long tables set up with two chairs a-piece on the stage.

Do "the Crusher"


Enter the Crusher & the Bruiser


They smile and wave into the camera and take the remaining two seats.


: All right, what the hell is going on around here! They never schedule an introduction for us, when that jerk, Bischoff, does mention that we're here he makes some snide remark about tag-team wrestling and doesn't even mention us by name, now they finally schedule us to be introduced, and there's NO audience and there's no-one here to introDUCE us!

: I suppose we're supposed to introduce our own selfs.


: Well, then, fine! I'm Ricky Morton.

: And I'm Robert Gibson!

: And we're the Rock N' Roll Express!


: We revolutionized tag-team wrestling! We practically INVENTED it! We came up with the formula for success still used by most tag teams today!

: What, you mean the strategy of one of you getting his ass kicked from pillar to post and hoping he can somehow tag the other one in for the miracle save?

: It works! I have the best conditioning and resiliency, so I take the punishment and keep him fresh, so he can dish it out, since he has the best offense!

: Addressing Gibson... Quite a scam you've got going there, lad.

: It's NOT a SCAM! It DOES work!


: Well, I'm Dick the Bruiser, the Most Dangerous Wrestler in the World!

: And I'm Crusher Lisowski, the Man who Made Milwaulkee Famous!

And we don't say things at the same time like a couple of pooftas.

: But we're pretty revolutionary ourselves! We were the very first gruff...

: ...beer-swillin'...

: ...hard-smokin' tough guys to ever be fan favorites. So guys like Stone Cold and the Sandman owe us a little debt of gratitude.


: But when it comes to tag-team strategy, we'll stick to the tried and true. Cut the ring in half, and make frequent tags!

: That's what our opponents always think!

: But 90% of the time WE prove them wrong!

: So how about we prove YOU wrong, at the Super-Show?

The two tag teams have gotten up out of their seats and are facing off.


: You two wanna fight?

: Us?

: I don't know, you two pretty boys don't look to me like you've got that much fight in ya!

: Yeah, you'd just end up not puttin' up enough fight for us...

: And me and Crusher would just end up beatin' de hell out of each other after de match, just to get our fill o' fightin'!


: Yeah?

: Try us!


Just then the image on screen hurtles towards Crusher's head! Someone's attacking Crusher with the camera! There's a blast of static and the image goes on the fritz, but violence can be heard in the background. After a couple of minutes of this a voice can be heard.

Set dat back up! Set dat back up! The image returns:

: Hullo dere. We're here t' introduce ourselves. That guy over there...?



: Dat's Ed "Strangler" Lewis, the most dominant World Champion of all time. And never mind Danny Hodge OR Evan Lewis, he has the greatest Strangle Hold of all time, too. Now that guy...?



: That's Toots. Toots Mondt. You might think by looking at him that he's the muscle of the bunch. An' he is. But he's the creative mind behind all of this, too. F'rinstance it was his idea for us to disguise ourselves as the camera, lights, and sound guys, to get the drop on these mugs. But that is--let me tell you--a very minor example of his creative genius.

And me? I'm their manager, their mouth, Billy Sandow. Though I've been known to let a fist fly myself if necessary.

These mooks say they PRACTICALLY invented tag-team wrestling? Gives RNRs a little kick for emphasis. My boy Toots?... ACTUALLY invented tag team wrestling. One day there is no such thing? The next day, Toots has a brainstorm, and from then on there is. Mixing in boxing and lumberyard fighting and bar-room brawling with wrestling, and putting time limits on matches so the crowd wouldn't get bored with matches that used to go on for hours and hours?

All on him. He called it Slam-Bang Western Style Wrestling, and that may sound like a funny old-fashioned term, but don't laugh! That's the same kind of wrestling you're still watching today! It was OUR idea to give the boys regular paychecks, so they didn't have to worry about whether they were getting cheated by a different shady promoter in every town. WE came up with 90% of everything that makes wrestling what it is today. WE showed ALL of you mooks how to make MONEY! THAT'S why they call us THE GOLD DUST TRIO!! We're the OLD damn WORLD ORDER! And we're BACK!

To get...

our...

CUT!!






: Oh, you want a CUT? You want a piece of our PAY? How about we make that a challenge?

the Gold Dust Trio, shocked that Crusher and Bruiser recovered from the surprise attack so quickly, start backing out of the studio...

: We'll put up half of OUR paycheck, and you put up half of YOURS! Winner-take-all!



Holy crap! THEY'RE back up, too?

: WE'RE in!


: FINE! We weren't too happy not to be in on the main-event-level money here. Taking half the pay from YOU fall guys should make up for it a little!

[Mr. Dashbee]

****

I really hope you're going for comedy here...because this stuff is hilarious! The Old World Order? That's too much...I love it!

[Batman]

****
Much like Kendo, can't they be a little bit ridiculous AND a little bit badass?

But if only the ridiculous is coming through, that's OK. Better than nothing!

[Batman]

: Mean Gene, here, for a few announcements.

Several rather impromptu matches have been made in the last couple of days... don't worry, those matches have all been approved and added to the card at the Big bang.

But it was decided that the exact rules and stipulations of those matches could use some clarification. Rand's explanation of the rules of the eight-man match were actually pretty clear. In short, it's a tag team elimination match, but instead of an individual being tagged in and out, or being eliminated, it's a team of two. The one thing being added to this match is extra officials. Because the four legal men at any given time would very often break apart into two seperate fights, there will be one referee for each of those potential fights. Then, in case of simultaneous pinfalls, there will be a third, chief official to decide on any conflicts between the two referees.

The name of this type of match was shortened to "Team Tag Elimination." Not particularly catchy, but at least shorter. We're still open to suggestions on that name, folks!


Then there's the World Capital of Wrestling Cup series. The stipulations for this were not outlined at all before, but they have been hammered out and agreed upon. The first match will be called a "Corner-Man" match. It will basically be a singles match between Billy Robinson and John Nord, but their corner men will be given unusual latitude for getting involved. Basically, it will be like a tag match except that your partner can't be tagged in. If you get forced into your opponent's corner his corner-man can grab you or strike you without causing a disqualification. If the corner-man applies a hold the referee will give him a five-count to break it.

The second match in the World Capital of Wrestling Cup series will be called a "Captains" match. It is something like a hurricane match, but without the possibility of a double fall. All four members of the two teams are legal to fight in and around the ring, (no count-outs) but only the captains--Riley and Sharkey--are legal to pin or be pinned.

The stipulations of the third match will not be announced until and unless necessary.

One more thing about the World Capital of Wrestling Cup. As promised, a cup has been made. This cup was expensive, and we didn't make it for you yahoos to use it as a weapon! If anybody breaks this cup they WILL be fired immediately!


All right, next there is the Strangle-Hold match! Don't let the name mislead you, blatant chokes which disrupt the flow of air to the lungs are FAR too dangerous and NOT legal in this match. The only type of hold which may be used to win this match is a sleeper--even if you fellows prefer to call it a "strangle hold"--a hold which blocks the flow of blood to the brain and causes one's opponent to pass out. But NOT die! If you have a throat hold applied, you must allow the official a good enough view to determine if it is a legal sleeper or an illegal choke. IF you do not allow the official a good enough view to determine, or IF the official determines that it is a choke, you have a five-count to release the hold. Actually, all of that is true in any match, but particularly worth going over again here.

Since the match may not be won by pinfall, anyone's shoulders on the mat will be ignored. Since the match may not be won by submission, if you use a submission hold your opponent may call for a break, after which the official will give you a five-count to break or be disqualified. Or your opponent may prefer to attempt to reverse the hold, his option. Any non-submission hold is your own trouble, unless you get to the ropes. Rope-break rules also apply to "Strangle Holds." Count-out rules are also like normal. Keep it in the ring, fellows.


Finally we have the paycheck match! This will be a triple-threat match, with one man from each team legal at any given time. This will be one fall to a finish. No elimination rules, so that two teams don't have reason to work together to eliminate a third.


All of the other matches have standard singles match or standard tag-team match rules, and they all have a twenty-minute time limit.


The only exception is the main event. There is no time limit, there must be a winner. And I think everyone is pretty familiar with Hell in a Cell rules, I imagine? Pinfall or submission are the only ways to win. There are no count-outs or disqualifications, pinfalls may occur anywhere, escaping the cell does not mean a victory OR a loss, although the President says that if Wagner manages to escape the city entirely, that may be counted as a loss by submission, at the referee's discretion.


I think that's all of the matches at the Big Bang! A new press packet with the full card should be forthcoming soon!

[Batman]

And here's a version of the press packet with the most recent updates:

PRESENTS!...

The Big Bang Super-Show!

At the Really-Freakin'-Big...

H.H.H. Metrodome!

Will Gorgeous George Survive... HELL IN A CELL?!
vs. w/
Mankind vs. "Gorgeous" George w/ Chris Nowinski
Hell in a Cell

With Very Special Guest Referee!...

The Greatest of ALL TIME! MUHAMMAD! ALI!


Will a Mask Help Eddie Avenge a Tag-Team Partner's Betrayal?
vs. w/
Black Tiger vs. the Great Sasuke w/ Eric Bischoff

Minneapolis or Manchester?

Third Round World Capital of Wrestling Cup match to be kept under wraps
on account of the possibility of a shut-out

Can the Big Show Prove That He's the Best Ever?
vs. w/
The Big Show vs. Bobby Lashley w/ Mae Young

Will Eric Bischoff Remain Commissioner?
vs. w/
Antonio Inoki vs. Mister Black Jack w/ Eric Bischoff
Match to determine who will be Commissioner (by proxy)

The Strongest Neck Ever?... Or the Strongest Grip Ever?

vs.
Farmer Burns vs. Danny Hodge
Strangle Hold Match

Will There be a Shut-Out?
vs.
Team Minneapolis (Sharkey(C) & Nord) vs. Team Manchester (Riley (C) & Robinson)
Second Round of the World Capital of Wrestling Cup
Captains Match (Hurricane Match, except only the captains (Sharkey & Riley) are legal to pin or be pinned.)

Good?... or EVIL?
& vs. & w/
The Champions of Justice & The Atomic Two vs. The Shadow Bros. & the Savage Bros. w/ John Rand
Team Tag Elimination Match

Speed?... or POWER?!
vs.
Las Parejas del Terror, the Terror Two (Love Machine & Eddy) vs. EXCESSIVE FORCE! (Afa & Sika)

Who Gets Paid?
vs. vs.
w/
Crusher & Bruiser vs. The Rock & Roll Express vs. The Gold Dust Trio
Triple-Threat Paycheck Match

Who Gets A First Round Lead?
w/ vs. w/
John Nord w/ Eddie Sharkey representing Minneapolis vs. Billy Robinson w/ Billy Riley representing Manchester
First Round of the World Capital of Wrestling Cup
Corner-Man match with no disqualification for corner-man involvement

[Lucky]

****
I wish to remove my criticisms of the Gene storytelling. I'm watching Uncensored '98 and after Malenko loses a hard fought match to Jericho for the CW title he is clearly distraught (VERY uncharacteristic for the "Iceman") when Gene enters the ring to talk to him. He tells him how he knew his father and knew him since he was a little boy, how he SHOULD have won this match and he failed to, how he was winless on WCW PPVs, and how he was "a bonafide loser!"

Gene is in fact a prick.

[Eric O'Mac]

****

This is DEFINETELY an interesting card. These aren't the storylines I was expecting - but you've done a great job making it work.

That HiaC match could be especially good.

[Batman]

****
Thanks, Eric.

HIAC WILL rock the house. Promise.