[Jack Quinn]

OOWF MidWeek Mayhem
Live! From Luxor, Egypt

OOWF World Heavyweight Title Match[/u]
LD Williams vs. Outback Jack

OOWF Intercontinental title Match[/u]
Alexander Darling vs. Moosehead Jack

OOWF World Tag Team Title Match[/u]
Phantos & Lucios vs. IHOP

OOWF Onslaught Championship Match[/u]
Attitude Adjuster vs. DH Magnusson

OOWF Campeonas de Trios Title Match[/u]
Justin Sane, Carl From Fresno & Bunny vs. The Dead, Blitz & The Amnesiac

Seamus McNasty vs. Poe
Eric O'Mac vs. Spin Hansen
Stank & Davin Moreland vs. Chris Cole & Tyson Kincaid
Apocalyptic Existence vs. Concrete TG
Worlds Greatest Fag Team & Tytan vs. ZK DeBeers & Cape Town Cannibals

Card subject to the curse of the Pharaoh

[karmic]

D.H. MAGNUSSON is TALKING~! on the telephone:

DHM: No! Did you SEE that crap? That's the....what? Well yeah but...but...No, he's around. Down in the boiler room I think. No, I have no idea, but listen we gotta...No, no, I won't. Yeah...you're right...Yeah I know, but what about you? You got everything you need? Yeah? They did? That's pretty damned upright of 'em. Naw, Davin's got you papered an' all, but whyn't you wait until the show, be a nice little surprise for 'em? Yeah...hey look, thanks for this, huh? I owe ya one. What? No, no way! I ain't gonna.........

DHM: Okay, I'll try it once. ONCE. An' when it don't work, I'm goin' back t'my way. Yeah, you too. See you here. Later.

DHM hangs up the phone, and grabs a nearby bass player

DHM: Y'know where I can find some candles 'round here?

NBP: ...

[The Jewish Cunthead]

<We FADE IN to Skurge entering the not-so-palatial makeshift hospital room in the palatial IHOP locker room. SYB's arms and legs are in casts so he keeps pushing his morphine button with his nose>

Skurge: How ya feeling, hoser? You don't look so bad to me. In fact, you look strong enough to drop the Hebrew Hammer on Lunchables.

SYB: Thanks to you.

Skurge: That's two you owe me, junior.

<Skurge turns as The Lovely and Talented Dorothy Mantooth enters the room. He looks at her with a big, devilish grin>

Skurge: Well your Saintness, looks like you managed to keep me around for a little while longer.

DM: <haughtily> I had nothing to do with it. LJB thinks it's dangerous for anyone to just wander around here even during this cease-fire.

Skurge: That's a good story. I think you just can't bear to let a
gorgeous guy like me out of your sight.

DM: I don't know where you get your delusions, laser brain.

<SYB is amused. He snorts and winces at the same time>

Skurge: Laugh it up, Joo boy. But you didn't see us alone in Vietnam.

<SYB looks over at DM>

Skurge: She expressed her true feelings for me.

<DM is flushed, eyes darting between SYB and Skurge>

DM: Why, you stuck up...half-witted...scruffy-looking...
nerf-herder!

Skurge: Who's scruffy-looking? <to SYB> I must have hit her pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, eh?

<DM looks at Skurge briefly and then she focuses on SYB>

DM: Well I guess you don't know everything about women yet...

<With that she presses herself up against SYB's bruised body and kisses him on the lips. Then she turns around and walks out, leaving SYB and Skurge slightly dumbstruck. Smugly, SYB attempts to put his hands behind his head but fails miserably and starts to pout>

<Suddenly, in the distance, the muffled sound of a PA system is
heard>

ANNOUNCER: <over loudspeaker> Skurge, report to Mr. Bennett's office.

<The voice repeats the order and Skurge heads out of the room, bidding farewell to SYB>

Skurge: Take it easy, eh?

<Skurge corners DM outside the room>

Skurge: How was that, eh?

DM: Interesting. I know we wanted to cheer him up with a Star Wars spoof but THAT scene? You made me kiss him!

Skurge: And how was that?

DM: You know the myth about the size of a man's nose compared to that other body part?

Skurge: Yup.

DM: Lies.

Skurge: Nice. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see Bennett.

DM: I'll go with you. I want to talk to him about the measuring stick.

Skurge: Pantaloons and Lunchables?

DM: Don't worry, we'll talk about that too.

<FADE OUT>

[Carlitos Coconut]

(AE and Chad Patton interrupt their discussion of the Canadian Jewish Discrimination Dillemma to talk over next week's match with Concrete TG)

AE: Ah, shit. I guess its back to jobbing again. You know, I was actually beginning to enjoy winning for a change. I beat Khan twice pretty easily, barely broke a sweat, and you know what Chad? It was pretty fun, man. It beat the hell out of the doldrums of tag team jobberdom, thats for sure. But, alas, now I have to face someone that actually wins matches. I'm screwed. I mean, c'mon he was just in a Heavyweight Title match, how can I compete with that? All I do is pretend that I can breathe fire and preach hell and shit,man. I can't compete.

(Chad Patton looks up from his manager's handbook and silently hands AE a brick. AE looks confused for a moment before handing it back to his manager.)

AE: What the hell is up with the brick?

CP: I'm going to use it during your match. I will conceal this brick within a seemingly harmless object such as Mike Chioda's gym bag and when you distract the referee, I will unexpectedly hit Concrete TG with the concealed brick, in effect rendering him unconscious. And the best part of it all is that, noone will suspect a thing because it appears to be just a gym bag.

AE: You think that will work?

CP: Of course, trust me. This one has been pulled over on me many a time. Why, I remember it like it was just yesterday. The match- Mantaur vs. Abe Knuckleball Schwartz. The venue- War Memorial Arena. Jim Cornette uses his visually harmless tennis racket case to take out the Slugger and Mantaur picks up the victory. Of course, having the IQ of a referee, I didn't have a clue what happened, but now that I have been upgraded to a manager. I's a know whats up.

AE: Er.... Chad I dont think you were a referee in the early 90's

CP: Okay, I saw it on Youtube, but still. It'll work. Just whatever you do, do not accidentally happen to be in the line of fire, should Concrete duck. This occurence would be disastrous and spell certain defeat as the tables would be inexplicably turned and you instead would fall prey to the dreaded ~BRICK~ of certain defeat.

AE: Yeah, Chad about the whole brick idea. Maybe, it would be better if I just, you know, went out there and gave it my all. I thought about it and maybe I'm not so bad afterall. Actually, I think I have the new found confidence required for me to win this match. And then, to really get myself noticed, I could, like, set him on fire or something. You know, to live up to my demonic name.

CP: Ok, first of all, your name isn't demonic. Its gay. If you wanted to live up to your name, you'd go out to the ring wearing a feather boa or something. Furthermore, in my manager's opinion it would just be easier for me to just hit him with a brick. I mean, c'mon man, you're a heel. You're supposed to be on board with this sort of thing. Finally, setting someone on fire is not cool. It got Kane put under house arrest you know.

AE: Whatever. <mutters that it would still be cool>

CP: Now, come Wednesday, you will face Concrete TG, you will distract the referee, I will hit Concrete with a cleverly disguised brick which you will be certain not to accidentally provide a target for, and you will then proceed to NOT set him on fire after picking up the win. Am I understood?

(AE nods head reluctantly)

[Tommy]

*Davin Moreland is...walking? down the Hallway of Random Encounters. He's covered in bandages, and limping with the assistance of a crutch. He passes several members of Team Bennett, and normally he'd be a sitting duck, but with the new Edict from the Board, all they can do is gnash their teeth and seethe. Finally, he makes his way to the Destroyitarium, where Stank is enjoying a cool adult beverage. Stank looks Davin up and down, but chooses to say nothing as Davin (painfully) sits down*

DM: Vodka. Rocks. Lots.

*The bartender nods and complies, filling a pint glass half-full with ice, and dumping the glass full of rot-gut bar vodka. He goes to put some fruit in the glass, but Davin just icily stares at him. He picks up a straw, and Davin sighs and nods as the bartender puts it in the glass. Two minutes of silence pass as Davin just pulls off his "vodka on the rocks". With the majority of it gone, he put the glass back on the bar, and Stank takes this as the cue to talk*

S: You all right?

*Davin just kinds of turns and stares at Stank*

S: Dumb question. I meant, are you going to be ready to go Wednesday.

DM: I'll be there, Stank. I'll be ready enough to go. Don't worry.

*silence. Davin and Stank both take hauls off their drinks*

DM: I fucking hate Cole.

S: Me too.

DM: 'Member the last time we tagged?

S: Yeah.

DM: We won, right?

S: Yeah.

DM: We should probably do the same thing then.

S: I don't even know where the singlet is.

DM: Bullshit.

S: Ok, fine. Team unity, right?

*Davin stares*

DM: Yeah. Team Unity. I'll tell ya, team unity isn't real high on my list right now. I'm a little on the pissed off side, and making Cole my personal bitch again is awfully tempting.

S: Davin, don't let that shit get in the way of...

DM: I WON'T! Damn it, you sound like Crete.

S: THAT'S uncalled for.

DM: Another, barkeep.

*Bartender just takes the pourer out of the Vodka bottle and just dumps it in Davin's glass. Davin does his job, and does his best to kill that glass*

S: Are we on the same page?

DM: Yup.

S: You drunk now?

DM: Yup.

S: Feel better?

DM: Yup.

S: Pain?

DM: Yup.

S: Better?

DM: Yup.

S: You've got my back Wednesday, right?

DM: Yup. Course I do, Champ.

*Davin waves (kinda) toward Stank and heads out; wobbly limping toward the Run DEA Suites*

[National Champion Chris Cole]

"The Main Event" Chris Cole is in the back talking with the man who he will tag with this week on Mayhem, Tyson Kincaid.

CC: So they call you The Riot Act?

TK: And they call you The Main Event.

CC: That just means you'll need to up your game this week. You aren't tagging with The Amnesiac. You are tagging with Chris Cole, one of the greatest Tag Team Champions of all time. You ever hear of 3 Piece Set?

TK: I have.

CC: Good. You know I think you would have made a good member of the Set. Keep that attitude around and you'll go far in this company. Bring your A Game this week against Davin & Stank and you will move up the card real quickly.

[Fire-Babe]

FW: I have no idea what in the blue hell you were thinking, but the answer is not only no, but FUCK no.

Lucky: Look, I knew you would resist this, but it's important. Just put it on.

FW: No.

Lucky: Please?

FW: I have worn a lot of silly things in my time, but nothing so demeaning...so degrading .... so--

Lucky: I have a really hard time believing that.

FW: In what universe did you think that I would ever even think about agreeing to this?

Lucky: It's for your own protection, Li--

FW: No, you don't get to use my name after this....idea.

Lucky: Look, I don't know if you realize what part of the world you are in, but once you step off the base, you won't have your entourage of service men to protect you. And since you're dismissing me...

FW: I am not. I just need someone I trust to go back to the Caribbean and make sure things are progressing there. Besides, you can't--

Lucky: Whatever. A woman walking unescorted in this part of the world, especially with hair like that, is basically asking for trouble. This will at least hide the hair and maybe the American-ness, if you can bother to keep your mouth shut.

The camera pulls back to reveal that we are in some Army base-like building, and Lucky has presented Firewoman with a burka to wear.

FW: Who ever heard of an American wrestler wearing a burka?

Lucky: TNA?

FW:...

Lucky:....

FW: The answer is no.

Lucky: I thought you might say that. So, I've taken liberties to get telegrams from Alexis, Jericho, Phantos, Lucios, Davin, Alexander, and half a dozen other people you may actually listen to on occasion to encourage you to agree with me.

Lucky shoves a stack of papers into Firewoman's hands. She looks at them, and sighs with irritation at Lucky and his damn organizational abilities.

Lucky: Good. Statistics show the chances of you getting harassed have just gone down by about--

FW: Oh, stop it.

Firewoman puts the burka on with some difficulty. Lucky helps her adjust it so only her eyes are showing, and her red hair is completely hidden.

Lucky: Perfect!

FW: I feel like a tent with legs. [she looks in the mirror] Gods, you can't even see me under here.

Lucky: Exactly the point. Okay, let's get you to the airport.

[Deleted]

We fade in to see Seamus on the phone

Seamus: "So let me get this right, you'll dress up with a burka but you won't wear a school girls outfit for me"

Phone "$%#@ *&$%#"

Seamus: "Wow Fire, you kiss Irvine with that mouth...I'm glad to see you back. Did you have a good vacation?"

Phone "*&*% #$#@"

Seamus: " Ok - it's ok I'll just talk to you when you calm down a little...how about a cowgirl outfit, or maybe a nurse, or a nun...yeah a nun..."

Phone: "$%#@ $%^% &*&^$#$#@"

Seamus hangs up the phone

Seamus: "Double AA you got one on me, so keep your belt for now...I'll come back for it...Poe your up next....whoppie fucking do. I got no beef with you! The writer monkeys are having me play the face, being nice, getting good pops, whatever. Win. lose or draw...just make sure the check is right...and Poe I don't give a shit if we are in Luxor, Egypt of Bumbfuck Egypt...You need to be taken down a notch or two...and I'm just the person to do it!

[BC]

We see the Temple of Luxor at night with the lights shining upon it, illuminating the night sky.


There is movement among the pillars and statues.


As we come closer, we see Poe and Selena are the figures moving around. Selena is dressed much more conservatively with a heavy black robe. Poe’s face is covered by his trademark bloody black towel. They look at and see the ninja cameraman. Selena looks to Poe and rubs his arm as Poe finally looks into the camera. From the half of his face uncovered, we see he is now wearing a lucha mask. The mask is black with a white crescent moon over his right eye.

Poe: So, Davin, did you send this cameraman to view your handiwork? I won’t give you the satisfaction you piece of shit. I haven’t worn this mask since the days of Noche Cuervo. Mexico never saw such a ruthless champion and hasn’t since. If you think the Hell Brothers or El Mesias are twisted, they have nothing on me back then. And now you run. You hide behind your little cease-fire and match up here…in my home! Well trust me when I say this to you. Revenge is a dish best served cold, Fortunado. Never turn your back. Never get comfortable. Never assume for one brief second that I am not watching…waiting…ready to strike. You think this cease-fire will protect you? I have no alliance Davin. I bow to no one, not Bennett, not the Rick, no one. I’ll see you in Hell…real soon.

Selena whispers something in Poe’s ear.

Poe: Seamus McNasty. It looks like this week it’ll be you and me in that ring. Trust me when I say when I look across that ring, I will see you and not Davin. I will not take my anger and revenge against you. I respect you, as our communications have stated among other things. I look forward to a good match against a quality opponent that I do not wish to kill. So, I’ll see you Wednesday. Try to be sober. Namasdeh

[Road Warrior Shark]

Lucios is in front of the OOWF banner by himself. His OOWF World Tag Team Championship Belt is , naturally, around his waist.

Lucios: Bennett, you finally smartened up and let us have a Real championship match. The result was inevidable.

Lucios: IHOP, after this week, I want to be rid of you. As I see it, there is only One team deserving of a championshop match.

Lucios: Spin, DH, As long as Bennett allows it, there is an open invitation to a Tag Team Championship match for you.

Lucios: And Bennett, I'd suggest you make it happen. Don't make us take out another of your lapdogs (Hi Johnny!)

[Demko]

(The Amnesiac is coming out of a very clearly marked locker room door. It is apparently the door of Firewoman's locker room. He stops for a moment outside the door.)

Amn: Heh heh heh... can't go into her locker room, eh? Let's see what she can possibly do about it right now, what with the whole cease-fire going on.

(He leaves the locker room area, and enters the Hallway of Random Encounters. He passes Blitz, who doesn't even acknowledge him. The Amnesiac pauses for a moment, and looks over his shoulder at Blitz.)

Amn: Hey Blitz!

(Blitz turns around and walks back up the hallway to stand in front of The Amnesiac.)

Blitz: Yo. What's up?

Amn: Well, I was wondering what we're doing to prepare for our match this week.

B: Our what?

Amn: Y'know, our match? Our shot at the 6-man Tag Titles?

B: No... I'm teaming up with The Dead, and uh...

Amn: ME! The Amnesiac!

B: I dunno... it might be you.

Amn: Why does everyone always forget about The Amnesiac?

(Suddenly, out of nowhere, The Dead shows up and speaks.)

Dead: I never forget The Amnesiac. Not from the very first day you showed up here in the OOWF. You've always had a bit of a chip on your shoulder.

(The Amnesiac laughs out loud at this.)

Amn: I'm sorry... did you say *I'VE* got a chip on my shoulder? Listen up here, man... you're the one who started our little fight way back when. Believe me when I say that I'm the better man here, because I've forgiven you for it. But you don't forget something like that. How do I know I can trust you out there in that ring this week?

D: How do you know? Well... there's gold on the line. That's how you know you can trust me. When there's gold involved, I'd be friends with Hitler if it meant I got to put a belt around my waist. So let's just go out there and show that random grouping of idiots what it's like to be a 3-man tag team.

Amn: I agree. We need to establish ourselves as the Campeonas de Trios champs before the war ends.

D: Ends? Ha... my friend... this war hasn't even begun yet.

(With that cryptic message, The Dead walks off, leaving Blitz to stare at The Amnesiac. After a few moments, The Amnesiac speaks up.)

Amn: What exactly are you staring at?

B: I'm sorry... do I know you?

(The Amnesiac rolls his eyes and walks away, as the camera fades to black.)

[Deleted]

Seamus: Sober...why? I'm more fun when I drink. Come on Poe lift a pint a two with me. Just two warriors meeting face to face at the bidding of our master. Two old dogs in a pen for the world to watch...place you bets, see the gore, watch as we rip each other apart...I am happy to have someone who will test me. Double A is a joke - everyone knows I should be wearing the title...then again it all goes back to the puppet masters...those who call the shots, so booker man let loose the dogs of war...Poe I'll see you in the ring!

[wld]

**L.D. Williams walks into the Destroyitarium and sits down across a table from Outback Jack. The bartender automatically brings him a beer.**

LD: “So…Wednesday.”

OBJ: “Yep. May the best man win.”

LD: “Absolutely.”

OBJ: <belches> “That’s Australian for -”

**Williams cuts OBJ off with a belch of his own.**

OBJ: “-”

LD: “-”

OBJ: “…I didn’t know you spoke the language.”

LD: “Beer is a universal language.”

OBJ: “Amen.”

[BC]

In a dark room, lit by candles, Poe sits at a table, still wearing his lucha mask. Selena stands behind him, her arms wrapped around his neck as she leans down to stare at the camera cheek to cheek.

Poe: Seamus...you're right. Screw Sharia.

Poe pulls out two bottles from under his coat. He opens one, slamming it down in two gulps. He takes the second bottle and slams it down on the other end of the table. The label is a Guiness label.

Poe: Next pints on me.

[Deadly]

[Blitz knocks on The Dead's door. Dead answers.]

Blitz: You know, I still don't know who that guy is...

Dead: Look, all you need to know is that he's good. We bumped heads before, but that was because he was all buddy-buddy with Crete.

Blitz: So we can trust him?

Dead: Hell no. But then again, I'd say that about myself, too. And what's with this we stuff?

Blitz: You know, we've been hanging out, and hell, we got a big win last week together.

Dead: We keep winning, you can keep hanging out. Otherwise, you'd better make yourself scarce.

Blitz: Gotcha. We'll win those Camp...Cap..we'll win those Trios titles, no problem!

Dead: We'd better. Now get the hell outta here, I've gotta put some work in before tomorrow's match.

[blownspot]

Stank - MISSING!?! What do you mean missing?!?

Alexis - I mean he's NOT HERE!

Stank - Then where the fuck is he?

Alexis - Are you even LISTENING!?! I don't KNOW where he is! HENCE the term MISSING!

Stank - Where did you last see him?

Alexis - Hold on a sec!

Stank - What the hell is GOING on over there!

Alexis - Ax is driving like a maniac trying to lose your friends Niles and Viper!

Stank - They're chasing you down?

Alexis- HELLO!?! What the hell did I JUST say?!

Stank - Alexis!

Alexis - Let me call you back!

Stank - Ok I'll ask Crete if he's heard from Blackdragon.

Alexis - Fine.

<Alexis ends the call, then turns to Ax-Man, holding on for dear life.>

Alexis - Turn right, down that alley... NO RIGHT!

Ax - SHUT UP babe and let me DRIVE!

Alexis - I TOLD you NOT to call me BABE!

Ax - You've TOLD me a lot of things!

Alexis - AND if you'd LISTEN, maybe we wouldn't be- LOOK OUT!

Ax - Damn it, woman! STOP screaming at me! It's no WONDER Blackdragon BAILED!

Alexis - He didn't bail, moron! I'm pretty sure Bennett's boys back there got to him!

Ax - How the Hell did they know where to find us?

Alexis - Someone's talking. Wait til I find out who?

Ax - You sure they didn't plant a tracking device or something on you when you were kidnapped?

Alexis - Golly gee-whiz, Ax! Let me check for the THOUSANDTH TIME!

Ax - You know, you can be a real bitch sometimes... oh wait... I mean ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

Alexis - You're just NOW catching on?

Ax - Hey! Say that again.

Alexis - What?

Ax - Open your mouth.

Alexis - WHY?

Ax - Just say ah, woman.

Alexis - Just keep yours eyes on the fucking road.

Ax - You wear a tongue ring!

Alexis - So What? You wear a nipple ring.

Ax - No my POINT is DID you CHECK IT!

Alexis - Check what?

Ax - Your TONGUE ring! Did you fucking CHECK to see if they swapped it out for a tracking device while you were unconscious!

Alexis - WHAT!?? That's ridiculous!

Ax - Did you check it?

Alexis - Hell no!

Ax - ... WELL?

Alexis - What do you want me to do? You want me to take it out?

Ax - Just check, whouldja?

Alexis - *sigh* This is stupid.

Ax - Fuck! They're right behind us. Five cars back. They're definitely tracking us SOMEhow! And we've switched cars THREE times already. So you know it's NOT the car.

Alexis - Oh for fuck's sake... FINE! I'll check my tongue ring!

<With a little effort Alexis Darling removes her tongue ring. She holds it up in the light, inspecting it. Ax-Man glances over at it.>

Ax - Hmm... Green barbell... it matches your eyes.

Alexis - Satisfied!? Does it LOOK like a tracking device?

Ax - How the fuck should I know what a tracking device looks like?

Alexis - You're unbelievable! Thank GOD Lucas sent YOU to look out for me!

Ax - You know sarcasm doesn't become you.

Alexis - I know a tracking device when I see one.

Ax - Ho-

Alexis - DON'T ask me HOW! I just do. I checked everyth- Holy SHIT it IS a tracking device! STOP the CAR!

Ax - What?

Alexis (Holding the ring up) - THIS is something you do on a SECOND date! Not the FIRST!

Ax - Christ... what kind of dates do YOU go on?

Alexis - YOU'LL never know. THAT'S for sure!

Ax - How about you just toss that thing out the window and I'll try to lose em again.

Alexis - ...

<Alexis tosses the ring out the window. Ax-Man accelerates and maneuvers the car through traffic in an attempt to lose Niles, Viper, and whoever else they have with them. Several minutes of crazy driving and subsequent lack of conversation pass. Finally...>

Alexis - Did we lose them?

Ax - I think so.

Alexis - I'm going to make a few calls then we have to get to the airport. Blackdragon, if he hasn't been taken out of the game, will just have to catch up with us, later.

Ax - Where are we off to now?

Alexis - Arizona.

<ads>

[Concrete TG]

(Crete is warming up for his match when his cellphone rings (ringtone courtesy of OOWFShop.com!)

CTG: (taps his bluetooth headset) yeah?

Stank: Crete where you at?

CTG: I'm at the arena, where are you?

Stank: Lookin for Blackdragon. Heard from him?

CTG: Not in the last day or so. I thought he was with Ax and Lexis?

Stank: I just got off the phone with them. They're in trouble and said that Bennett's boys might have gotten to him

CTG: Well, he hasn't called me so- hang on, call coming in

Stank: huh?

CTG: (taps the bluetooth again) this is Gryfon?

Voice: well well, hero, are you missing someone....?

CTG: Excuse me?

V: dragons are indeed rare... so are griffons. Shall I make them both extinct?

CTG: Who is this?

V: Doesn't matter, I have someone here who wants to speak to you.....

Blackdragon: Crete, Whatever he wants you to do, DON'T DO IT! I'm Fine-

V: he'll change his mind soon enough.

CTG: (steps away from the weights) I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO THIS IS!

V: You don't make the demands. We do.

CTG: What would you want from me?

V: Surrender.

CTG: "Surrender"?

V: Everyone. All of Team Rick. You're their golden boy, care to bring us what we need?

BD: (heard in the background) DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!

CTG: (taps a few buttons on his phone) It won't be that easy. Citizen Stank, we have a crisis.....

Stank: what?

V: What?

CTG: I have an evildoer on the phone wishing ransom for our missing dragon.

(OOC - have at it, Stank)

[Attitude Adjuster]

Attitude Adjuster is caught unaware by a SFJ.

SFJ #Whatever: You've been very quiet this week. What are your thoughts about your match against DH Magnusson.

AA: I have other issues. First, I spent most of the week in Las Vegas before someone told me this week's Midweek Mayhem from Luxor, Egypt (cheap pop!) wasn't at the Luxor Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. How much does that suck? I can't place baseball bets here! Secondly, did DH himself actually cut a promo? I mean, even Seamus cut a promo partially about me and we're not even wrestling! So DH, if you want a shot at this belt (holds the Onslaught title belt above his head), you're going to have to do the one thing that matters in wrestling. That's right, big man, you're going to have to do a promo! Now then, is there anyplace I can get cell reception? I wanna get a bet down on the Brewers today. There's no way the Cubs sweep them.

[Outback Frito Pendejo]

*SFJ111 catches Outback Jack at the Destroyitarium*

SFJ: Outback Jack, will you be at 100% for your title shot?

OBJ: Why wouldn't I? We've managed to stock up on beer.

SFJ: But you just had that brutal Taipei Fence Match with Tytan.

OBJ: Damn, that was good!

SFJ: But the 2 of you were covered in blood!

OBJ: As it should be in that match. You know, the biggest and strongest guys don't always do well in that situation. To survive it takes guts, and Tytan definitely proved himself to me. He came on full speed, and the match was brutal. But that's the type of mayhem that gets me psyched up, so I'll be fine.

SFJ: Actually, that match was at the Pay Per View. "Mayhem" is tonight.

OBJ: ...Right, well, I guess I can't argue with that. Anyways, I always look forward to wrestling LD, because I know I have to bring my A-game to keep up with him.

SFJ: You're bringing a game? Like, a DS or something? Or maybe a board game, like Monopoly?

OBJ: I'm almost wishing Scheme Gene was doing this interview.

[karmic]

D.H. Magnusson is TALKING~! on the DESTROYITARIUM phone:

DHM: Naw...No wait, I can't hear a word you're sayin'...You wearin' a WHAT?~?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!...No, no, I'm sure it looks good on...hey, don't be like that I was jus'

SFJ8: D.H.! D.H.! Attitude Adjuster has called you out!

DHM: Wait....Look, I gotta run. See you tonight, huh? Coolcool.

DHM: *to SFJ8* 'bout damned time. Where is he? We ain't gotta wait for MAYHEM!

SFJ8: No, he was calling you on your promos. He's daring you to cut one.

DHM: ...

SFJ8: Well?

DHM: You're kiddin' right, Shannon? This is some kinda rib the boys put up to?

SFJ8: It's AA, DH. You really think I'm kidding?

DHM: .....Balls...I ain't got time for this. Attitude Adjuster, you miserable piece of filth, you ain't changin'. No Johnny hangin' offa you, and ya still don't do nothin' but run your trap. Maybe you ain't noticed pookie, but we ain't here t'talk. This ain't the OOPF, this is the OOWF. Ya ever quit duckin' the sharks you're into t'pay a little attention, we WRESTLE here. You're still nothin' but the same two-bit motormouthed punk that tried gettin' in me an' Spin's faces earlier this year. You remember that? Well you still ain't funny. You can enjoy yer little jokes, an' your promo of year wins...but while ya been spendin' all your time talkin' about talkin' I been walkin' though hell against people like KZ and Empty Team! All your blabber ain't gonna do you a damned bit good out there tonight!

DHM: Ya got lucky, sneakin' one past me in the finals for that strap...It ain't gonna happen again. Now according to your stips, I gotta bust a rule or two t'pin you?

*DHM hefts up his length of logging chain*

DHM: Yeah...I think we can do that. But don't cry too hard, AA. I been thinkin' of ya. I even arranged a kinda special reunion of sorts for you an' someone tonight. I'm sure you can dig that...it's the little stunts like that y'think it's all about.

DHM: You got your soundbyte Shannon, now get out. I got...well, I got somethin' I gotta try.

*DHM turns to a Nearby Bass Player*

DHM: Ya find 'em?

NBP: ...

DHM: Good. Give em' here. I guess I gotta find someplace quiet around here.

*DHM snatches away a large sack from the Bass Player and stalks off in search of a quiet locker room*

DHM: *muttering* What in th' hell do I know from meditatin'?

[salmonjunkie]

SFJ Lucky Sevens has microphone in hand

SFJL7: Here we are with Donovan Viper in Luxor. However, not Luxor, Egypt, but the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas.

Donovan Viper is seen playing craps, rolling the dice.

SFJL7: Viper! Can I have a word with you for a moment.

DV: Hold on hot stuff. I just need to roll another 6.

Man in sunglasses and visor: LUCKY SIXES! COME ON DONNIE!

SFJL7: Viper, what are you doing here gambling instead of doing whatever it is you're suposed to be doing for Bennett here in the States?

DV: Bitch, I'm on vacation and I... oh shit, a cameraman? How the hell are you allowed to have a camera in a casino?

SFJL7: It's for the purposes of this promo.

Kayfabe cries over losing her last dollar on the nickel slots.

DV: Um... ur... I'm raising funds for the Bennett Army! That's it! Can't have an army without funds! And uh... look! I'm doing all right here! *rolls sixes* WOOHOO!!

MISAV: OH HELL YEAH DONNIE! MO' MONEY MO' MONEY! Leave our money in and roll another sixer, man. This close to a new set of clubs!!!

SFJL7: Well, Viper, glad to see you could make it to Iraq for Operation Onslaught.

DV: Hey, they needed me out there, entertaining the troops and all. The troops deserve the best, and Donovan Viper is the best. Isn't that right Johnny?

MISAV: Ixnay on the Ohnny-Jay!

DV: Right... So yeah, I was there for support. To support the US troops and our troops. Won a little gold while out was out there, too. I mean, how good am I? I'm not even an active member of the roster right now and I STILL win championship gold!

SFJL7: You lost it 2 minutes later.

DV: And?

SFJL7: And you beat an inanimate object to win that belt.

DV: I'll have you know that LADDER is a highly decorated champion. The first DDT Heavy Metal Iron Man champion. Do NOT talk low of LADDER.

SFJL7: So when do you plan on coming back to OOWF?

DV: I may not need to at the rate I'm going here. Look at all this cash I'm winning!

MISAV (picks up his phone): Hello? Hey, man! Ah, yeah, we're winning a GANGload of cash on the craps table right now. Brewers? You sure? Cubbies are unstoppable! Ok, will do. Hell, I'll double up on that, too.

SFJL7: Aren't you not supposed to use your phone at a table? Hey wait! I know you! You're Johnny Adr...

MISAV: Johnny Adrian Adonis. No relation to Adorable Adrian Adonis, that's just a coincidence.

SFJL7: No, I know you're...

DV: Can you please leave my friend alone? He didn't sign a waiver to be on your television show, you skank.

SFJL7: Well, you looked like him, although with a bit more weight.

JAA: Right, just like my non-cousin, Adorable Adrian Adonis did.

SFJL7: Or your former tag team partner, Attitude Adjuster?

JAA: Haha! Good one. I mean, I don't know who you're talking about.

SFJL7: Yeah, sure...

DV: Shut up. It's time to roll... GODDAMMIT!! GODDAMMITT!!! NO!!!!!! BITCH, IT'S YOUR FAULT!

Viper gives SFJL7 a SIDEWINDER on the casino floor!

JAA: GODDAMMIT! Brewers better win that damn game!

[Tommy]

*Davin Moreland is LYING!@!~!~!! on his bed, still covered in bandages, ice packs, heat packs and kittens. Well, one kitten anyway, Smokey. He's watching OOWF-TV absentmindedly, but the general picture you see is "pain" as in "he's in a lot of it". Samantha Darling knocks on the door and pokes her head in*

SD: Davin, half hour.

DM: All right

*He starts to take all the ice and heat packs off, Smokey goes running. He starts taking off bandages now, grunting in pain with every movement*

SD: Davin, listen, let's got to Rick, it's obvious you can't go tonight.

DM: *unwrapping* Like hell. Have you seen my Tylenol?

SD: I've got better stuff than Tylenol.

DM: Ok, I know that, but we've been through this, I can't take it if I still want a liver tomorrow.

*Samantha spots Davin's Tylenol across the room and tosses it to him*

SD: Water?

DM: Aquafina. *cheesy grin and thumbs up*

SD: You're incorrigible.

*she leaves and Davin finally gets all the bandages off and puts a sleeve on his ankle, Samantha comes back and tosses him the Aquafina.*

DM: Thanks. *Davin takes a handful of Tylenol and pounds the water pretty quickly. He tries to stand but immediately collapses on the ground*

SD: Davin! *she goes to help him up* Dammit Davin, stop being a hero. It obvious you can't go.

DM: I'll be fine.

SD: You're NOT fine.

DM: Dammit Sammy, I'm fine. Please. Just help me to the living room.

SD: Davin, this isn't YOUR war.

DM: You have no idea, do you? From the beginning this has been MY war. Hell, even Phant and Luc weren't on board right away. You know, Stank's the big star, and Crete's the damned superhero, and your brother is the "edgy" one attacking the big game on the other side *rests leaning agains a couch*...even your sister is playing Super Spy trying to find dirt on Bennett. All I do...all I've done is carry this whole thing on my shoulders. I'm the one Bennett comes after. Hell, I'm the one they ALL come after. They want to set an example? They find me...I've been in more 4 and 5 on 1 beatdowns than DDP vs. the nWo.

SD: And it's obviously taken a toll on you to the point where you can't even walk without help.

DM: That doesn't bother me. We've only got a limited time in this game, and it's been good to me. I might as well use my body up to its full potential.

SD: Don't you want to have a life after this? Family? Kids?

DM: Sure, but I can't worry about that now.

SD: You're not going to have a chance to worry about that later.

DM: Or else what?

SD: Uh...That doesn't even make sense.

DM: SO'S YOUR FACE!

SD: Wow.

DM: Oh, laugh. Dammit, everything's so goddamn serious around here now, it's like watching a telenovela on Univision. Listen, as of now, I'm the #1 contender, and Bennett can't make LD duck me forever. All I can do is go out there and win until he's got no choice but to give me the match. And this war...This war will be over, and Team Rick will come out on top. Listen to the pop I get tonight...hell, every night. The fans know damned well who the foundation of this war is. The cracks in Team Bennett are widening, and eventually there will be nothing left; and that prick Bennett will be gone from here forever.

*Davin noticeably limps to the front door*

SD: Davin, please re-think going out there tonight. You can't do it.

DM: Oh, of course I CAN do it, it's a question of being able to do it well.

SD: Fine. Then do me a favor.

DM: What?

SD: Be careful.

DM: No promises.

SD: Fine, then make sure you can walk out of the ring tonight at least.

DM: THAT I will promise you.

SD: Good, cause I want wheels up 90 minutes after the show.

DM: *salutes* Yes Ma'am.

SD: Hey, SOMEONE has to run this show without Fire or Alexis.

DM: Hey, look at all the gold you brought into Run DEA?

SD: Where's yours?

DM: Patience.

*fade*

[Jack Quinn]

<SFJ13 catches up with Moosehead Jack in the back, Moose is wrapping his fists and wincing in pain with every move>

SFJ13: Moose, your match was one of the most brutal matches I have ever seen, and he came out on top and reclaimed the Intercontinental title, what are your thoughts on your rematch tonight?

MHJ: My thoughts are this. Everything that can be said, has been said. Darling won the battle last night, but he did not win the war. Not by a longshot. Darling, I am not going to sit here and threaten you, all I am going to say is that by the time this match is over, win or lose, it will be a match you won't soon forget.

Trust me

[Eric O'Mac]

*Fade in*

*With white contact lenses, Eric O'Mac is standing next to SFJ#15.*

SFJ#15: Eric, you've got a match tonight with Spin Hanson. What are your thoughts?

Eric: Simply put, look at the damage I did to Knife and Mark Vander. The board of directors may have forced our two sides to cease fire backstage, but I can destroy lives in the ring. Mark Vander? Done. Knife? Done. And while Spin Hanson may be a bit higher on the totum pole, he's the enemy, and he will be taken out.

*Eric leaves SFJ#15 standing there as we fade out.*