OOWF Awards Show 2008!
Sept 27, 2008 8:39:36 GMT -5
Post by Jack Quinn on Sept 27, 2008 8:39:36 GMT -5
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the 2007/2008 OOWF Awards! We are coming to you live from the Dayton Convention Center Annex! Tonight is the night we have all been waiting for, the crowning of this year’s award winners. And now, to kick things off this evening, the Reverend Horton Heat will lead us in the OOWF prayer:
Our Hardcore who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy blades
Thy bed of nails, thy wounds be done with chairs or with barbed and razored wire.....
Give us this day our daily bled
and forgive us our shattered glasses
as we forgive those who use broken glass against us
And lead us not into garbage, but deliver us from mediocrity.....
Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome out emcee for the night, the man who knows what’s best for you whether you like it or not………GM the Rick
<applause from half the room. The camera pans across the room and we see all the OOWF Stars there, and all of them are dressed like it is an actual special occasion. The room is clearly divided into three sections. On one side we have Team Rick, cheering for their leader as he steps to the podium. On the other side we see Bennett’s Army sitting on their hands and booing Rick as he comes out. In the middle there are two tables where the undecided’s sit, it seems like they want to clap, but they can’t make up their mind as to what they want to do>
GMtR: : Save your applause, it’s not going to help and in all honesty, I hate you all anyway. I can’t believe I let them write this into my contract. Why the hell isn’t Bennett hosting this?
<from the audience> Because go fuck yourself, that’s why!
<raucous laughter follows>
GMtR: Eric if that was you, so help me……..Anyway. We start things off with the award for best NPC, or Non-Playing Character. This basically means someone had a good idea, but couldn’t find someone to fill the role, so you pick up the slack
<Rick glances over his shoulder and sees Kayfabe standing just off stage with a baseball bat>
GMtR: That good enough for you?
<Kayfabe nods>
GMtR: Anyway, here to present the award this year is longtime OOWF NPC, the winner of the FIRST OOWF NPC award, former world heavyweight champion, and all around wrestling legend……the Nature Boy, Ric Flair! WOOOOOOO!
< Flair’s music starts and The Man walks out on the stage. The entire roster rises and gives Flair a standing ovation and a thunderous applause>
Flair: Thank you. Thank you. Really, I’m touched. Thank you.
<The applause finally dies down>
You know, I have been in this business for a lot of years, and I have seen a lot of things, but I gotta say, what you people have managed to accomplish here is truly something special. <more applause> Several years ago, I was asked if I wanted to come in and be a part of this. At the time, I had no idea what to expect. I was told that I was going to run a sandwich shop and cut a promo on Jared……
<without warning the promo rolls, cause that’s how we, uh, roll in the OOWF>
Jarrod: Two years ago, I weighed over eleven hundred pounds….
Voice Off-screen: Whoooooo!! Fat boy!!
Jarrod:…errr, but then I found Subway’s new delicious low calorie turkey sub on a pita loaf
VO: Turkey, by god, on pita whoooooo!!!!
Jarrod: Ummmm, and I, uh ate the turkey and their subs for breakfast and . . .
VO: and I took your momma to Space Mountain! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!
<just then Ric Flair strolls onto camera carrying a Philly Steak and Cheese sub>
Jarrod: who the hell is this guy?
RF: Who am I? Who am I! I’m RIC FLAIR Bitch! Ha! WHoooooooooo!
Jarrod: right, why are you here?
RF: <becoming serious> For thirty glorious years I traveled this world, I ate with the greats! Me and Harley Race devoured ribs in Kansas City! Me and Abdullah the Butcher at barbecue in Atlanta! Me and Hogan tore the roof off of all the five star restaurants in New York! I’ve had sushi in Japan with Muta, I’ve had steak with the Von Erich’s in Texas, God rest their souls. Jarrod, I’ve seen it all!! I’ve dined with Kings, I ate beanie weenies with the jabronies in Minnesota. But never, by God, never have I had a sub sandwich like this Philly! WHOOOOOOOO!!!
Jarrod: Well Ric, that’s great and all, but the Philly isn’t exactly on the carb friendly menu….
RF: Carbs! Carbs! You don’t eat a 12 pound steak in an hour worrying about carbs! You don’t eat more hard boiled eggs than Andre BY GOD the Giant worrying about carbs! You don’t survive a Thai food death match with Tiger Jeet Singh by worrying about carbs! WHOOOOOO! To BE the man, you gotta OUT EAT the man! WHOOOOOOOO!!!
Jarrod: but, um Ric, this is sorta MY spot, you know, doing the subway commercials and all…
<from off screen Arn Anderson runs into the picture clubs Jarrod in the back if the head, starts to whip Jarrod across the room, then pulls him back toward him and destroys him with a crazy spinebuster>
AA: You are not just given a spot among the elite. You have to earn it. When Ric was eating the hottest salsa south of Texas, who was there with the water? It was me. When Ric traveled to England and had more kidney pie than William Regal, who was there with the napkins? It was me. I earned my spot. And this man <slapping Flair on the shoulder> This man is a legend, if he says eat the Philly, then that’s exactly what you do.
RF: Diamonds are forever, and so is the twelve inch Philly sub from subway. Subway, eat fresh! WHOOOOOO!!!!
<Flair and Anderson leave, as they walk by Anderson stomps on the fallen Jarrod>
<The crowd breaks into another round of applause>
Flair: Aww, thank you, really, thank you. It was after that promo that I knew I had made it in the OOWF as an NPC, winning the award for NPC of the Year that year was really something special. Through the years I have taken my lumps, especially from you Attitude Adjuster, and that damn partner of yours Johnny Adrenaline! Where is he? Get him out here NOW! <Flair takes off his coat and drops it on the floor> SCARE ME? I’M ALREADY SCARED! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! <Flair elbow drops the coat, and blades, bringing another round of applause> To BE an NPC you have to BEAT an NPC!
Voice: And our candidates this year are, Carl From Fresno, and Alexis Darling.
Flair: And the winner is…………………<Flair opens the envelope> Folks, you’re not going to believe this……..we have a WHOOOOOOOOOO BY GOD TIE!
<The crowd rises as Alexis Darling, finally back from her odyssey with Ax-Man, and Carl From Fresno make their way to the podium>
Alexis: When my brother decided to come to the OOWF, he didn’t want to come in alone. Said something about needing moral support, so he forced me to come along. Reminds me of when we were kids and he was potty training. For the life of him, he couldn’t do it on his own, he needed someone else in the room with him encouraging him……
<the crowd begins to laugh>
Alexander: SHUT UP LEXIE!
Alexis: Oh, yeah, anyway. I appreciate the award, thank you all.
Carl From Fresno: I’m hungry. Seriously, where is the buffet? When I signed on I was told there would be food. I will trade this award for a sandwich.
GMtR:<kind of pushing Carl away> Isn’t that great? Always living the gimmick, way to go Carl
Carl: I’m not kidding! Dammit I am really hungry! I think I have an eating disorder or something….
GMtR: Now, moving on to our next award, we have Gimmick of the Year. Now, we all know that everyone in the OOWF can wrestle, to some varying degree. But the thing that really gets guys over is their gimmick. It’s that hook that can take a wrestler from being a good talent, to a true superstar. In the past, we have seen things like “Cowboy” Johnny Adrenaline, The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 and Donovan Viper
DV: I AM NOT A HOMO!
GMtR: Seriously, we get it Donnie. Oh, and accounting wants to see you, something about a weekend in Thailand while we were overseas, something about you trying to write off a manly fingers massage
DV: THAT WAS, uh, MANY FINGERS!!
GMtR: Yes, of course it was. Anyway, gimmicks are what sometimes drives a wrestler, and in some cases, that’s all the wrestler has is his gimmick. Here to present the award, very fittingly if you ask me, is HULK HOGAN!
<mixed reaction from the crowd as Hogan comes out to Real American Hogan poses before walking to the podium, then grabs the mic>
Hogan: WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE LARGEST ARMS…….
Someone in the Crowd: STEEEEEEEEEROIDS
Hogan: What? Say your prayers, eat your st….errr vitamins!! I have been backstage hangin’ and bangin’ my daughter……..wait, was that out loud? I mean…….let’s get to the nominees BROTHER!
Voice: The Nominees for Best Gimmick of the Year are: SYB turns Canadian, Rabbxt Becomes Bunny, and the Forklift of Fun
Hogan: <slowly opening the envelope> Before I announce the winner, I just want to say how surprised I am at the success of the OOWF. I mean, you managed to make it without ME! That just blows my mind man. But just wait, real soon I am starting up a fed with my buds Eric Bischoff and Brian Knobbs! Then we will see what’s what in the world of wrestling! <boos> Ok, the winner of Gimmick of the year is…….
RABBXT BECOMES BUNNY!
<The camera pans over to Bunny, who looks stunned that he won something. He gets out of his seat and climbs onto his table and does a back flip off the table, then runs and does three forward summer saults then bounces off the catering cart, does a double back flip, and lands on the stage next to Hogan. Hogan hands him the award and Bunny steps to the podium and looks wide eyed. After a moment Bunny speaks>
Bunny: You guys really like me!
Alexander Darling: No, I still hate you!
<Bunny looks around the podium for a moment, then pushes a button and Darling is kicked out of the room. A moment later Darling comes back in yelling YOU SON OF A BITCH WHAT WAS THAT FOR? Bunny hits the button again and once again Darling is kicked out. Seconds later Darling comes back in. DO THAT ONE MORE TIME AND I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! So naturally Bunny does it again. This goes on for a few more minutes, as soon as Darling comes back into the room, Bunny hits the button and Darling is kicked again. Finally Firewoman yells out WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF! YOU ARE GIVING ME A HEADACHE! Darling slinks back to his seat and slumps in his chair, clearly not happy with the way the evening is going.>
Bunny: Sorry, I have always wanted to do that. Gimmick of the year huh. You know, at first I tried getting over as a caffeine addicted submissive, and that didn’t quite catch on. So then I decided to put on a bunny suit and change my name, and I gotta say, it’s been nothing but good since then. My matches have improved, my standing on the card has improved, my promos have improved….
GMtR: When was the last time you promoted?
Bunny: I……uhhhh……well…..you see this summer I was kind of busy, you know, becoming a man
GMtR: What?
Bunny: I was…….you know <winks>
GMtR: What the hell are you talking about?
Voice from the audience: JESUS RICK, HE GOT LAID!
GMtR: Oh, oh OH! Damn, that is a mental image I will NEVER get out of my head!
Another voice from the crowd: HA!
GMtR: Dammit Eric I KNOW that was you! I am going to have you jerking the curtain SO FAST
DV: Jerkin what? Wait……I AM NOT A HOMO!
GMtR: SHUT THE FUCK UP DONNIE!
<Lawyers immediately appear on stage with papers>
Lawyer: Mr. The Rick, we represent Johnny Adrenaline, and these are cease and desist orders, he feels that Shut the Fuck Up Donnie is impinging on his catch phrase rights. We demand that you stop with that catchphrase immediately before we are forced to take more stringent action.
GMtR: What? Get the fuck out of here. Kayfabe?
<Kayfabe charges out from the gorilla position and beats the two lawyers mercilessly with the bat for several minutes drawing loud cheers from the crowd. Finally she drags their limp bodies back to the back, and the awards show continues>
GMtR: Moving things along, our next award is for Catchphrase of the year. A catchphrase is sort of like a verbal gimmick, it is something catchy that you can identify a wrestler by. Some catchphrases have stood the test of time and endured as classics. Others, have felt forced and unnatural and died quiet painful deaths. I mean really, does ANYONE remember “Caught Me a Marlin?” I didn’t think so. So here to present the award for Catchphrase of the Year, how the hell can we afford all this? Seriously? Whatever. Here to present Catchphrase of the Year is………..THE ROCK!
<The Rock comes out to his music to a nice big cheer from the crowd. The rock walks up to the podium and stands and looks across the crowd, raises the eyebrow, which gets another big pop, then begins to speak>
Rock: So here we are. The OOWF Awards. All you need is LJ Bennett singing “Stand Back” and you would have it all. Look at this crowd here tonight. Look at that big gumpy guy <points to Fezzik> I am not sure if I should be afraid of him, or if I should shot him and make a rug. <crowd murmurs> And look over there. LD Williams, you’re the champion of this fed huh? Well your momma called she thinks you suck too. <the crowd grows restless at The Rock’s clearly subpar material> An you, you there in the first row <pointing to The Amnesiac> What’s your name?
The Amnesiac: WHY DOES EVERYONE FORGET ABOUT THE AMNESIAC?
Rock: IT DOESN’T MATTER…..wait, what? Haven’t you heard this bit before?
The Amnesiac: Yes, we all have. It sucks. Move on.
Rock:<to GM The Rick> I still get paid for this, right?
GMtR: Just move it along Potsie
Rock: Fine, the nominees for Catchphrase of the Year are…….
Voice: “HA!” by Eric O’Mac, “BOOYAH BITCH!” by Alexander Darling and “Because Go Fuck Yourself, That’s Why” by Eric O’Mac
Rock: And the winner is……………”HA!” by Eric O’Mac. Wait? Seriously? HA! Wins the award? The Rock has had some of the greatest catchphrases in wrestling history, and you win for HA!? No wonder this promotion isn’t going anywhere! This is completely ridiculous……
<While The Rock is ranting and raving on stage, Eric O’Mac calmly walks onto the stage, walks up to Kayfabe and takes her bat, then walks over and CRACKS The Rock on the back of the skull! The Rock drops to the floor, out cold. Kayfabe walks over and takes the bat. Eric slowly looks down, points at The Rock……..>
EOM: HA!
<Eric takes his award and leaves the stage as the crowd, at least the Bennett side, gives him a standing ovation>
GMtR: <As stagehands are dragging The Rock off the stage> Ok, I was hoping this would end without our guests being knocked unconscious, I should have known better I guess. Ok moving along, our next award is for finisher of the year. The finisher is usually the third piece in the tirfecta of making a great wrestler. You have to have the gimmick, the catchphrase, and the finisher. You land all three of those, and usually you will have some level of success no matter how well you can actually wrestle. Here to present the award for Finisher of the Year is the one and only, and hopefully not “drugged” Jake the Snake Roberts!
< Jake’s music plays and he comes out to the podium, and surprisingly, he doesn’t look a bit drunk. The crowd gives him a nice ovation, except for Moosehead Jack, who is standing on his chair clapping wildly YOU RULE JAKE!! Are those tears? Jake steps to the podium and looks around for a moment, then speaks>
Roberts: You know, I have been a lot of places and seen a lot of things, and I have to say, this just about beats all. I have watched over the years, I have watched this fed grow and change. I have watched people come and go, and I admit, I am hooked. I am a fan. So congratulations to the OOWF. The Snake approves <loud cheers>
Now, as for finishers, I have been blessed to have one of the best in the wrestling business. A good finisher is one that can come from anywhere at any time, and once it is hit, you know the match is over. The DDT has served me well over the years. Now, I have met a lot of fans over the years, and there is always one question that I get asked more than any other. “What does DDT stand for?” Very simply, The End. With that, let’s get the nominations.
Voice: The nominees for Finisher of the Year are:”100 Proof” – The Midnight Sons, “Stank-U”- Stank, and “A Really Good Diamond Cutter” – Davin Moreland
Roberts: The winner is <slowly opening the envelope>………………….A REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER, DAVIN MORELAND!
<Davin gets up from his seat and accepts the congratulations from his DEA teammates and makes his way to the podium. Once he gets there he shakes Jake’s hand and pauses for a moment while the applause continues, finally it dies down and Davin speaks>
Moreland: You know, before I can go any further, there is one man who is backstage tonight that I just have to thank. So, Dallas, I know you’re back there, come on out.
<His music plays and out comes Diamond Dallas Page!>
DDP: Thank you Davin, it’s an honor to come out here with you tonight.
Moreland: You know, when I was training in the Power Plant back when WCW was still around, when I was just a green kid, DDP saw potential in me. One day I was putting in some extra time, and he pulled me aside. He told me, “kid, you got it. You got the talent, you got all it takes to make it in this business. The only thing you are lacking is a good finisher.” It was that night he taught me the Really Good Diamond Cutter. I am forever in your debt my friend.
<the two share a brief hug of manly mutual respect>
Moreland: There is always one thing I wanted to do though, and I can’t think of a better time to do it. Ok, guys in the back, Jinx and Spazz, I know you are back there, yeah come out here for a moment
<The Bay Bridge Boyz walk out, they get no music. DDP and Davin eye them up for a moment, then a sly smile crosses their faces. They catch the Bay Bridge Boyz with matching kicks to the midsection, then DROP THEM WITH A REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER AND A DIAMOND CUTTER! Both Davin and DDP get back to their feet……………….feel the BANG! The OOWF audience applauds loudly as stage hands pull two more bodies off of the stage. Another brief hug of manly mutual respect and DDP heads backstage and Davin heads back to his seat.>
GMtR: Well wasn’t that touching? Keeping things moving along, our next award is for promo of the year. In wrestling stories can be told just as much outside the ring as they can be inside the ring. A good promo can escalate a feud, take it in a new direction, or add new elements to it. There have been legendary promo men in wrestling, men we have already seen tonight, like Jake Roberts. There are many others, Raven and his promos in ECW, and our next guest, presenting the award for Promo of the year……..MICK FOLEY!
< Foley’s theme plays and he comes out to a rousing ovation from the OOWF crowd, the ovation turns into FOLEY! FOLEY! FOLEY! Chants. Mick acknowledges the crowd and finally they calm down.>
Foley: You know, even with one ear, I could hear the love in that ovation, and for that, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. And Rick….Ricky you sly old dog, thank you for the kind words. You know, I have worked with a lot of guys in this business, and to many of them, a promo was just something that had to be done. It was thirty seconds, or five minutes of bullet points to hit to get your point across, then you went about your business. Now, I admit, I had my fair share of those, but I like to think I brought a little something special to the table. You see, I felt like every promo I did was a child, a child that I gave birth to somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind. That child would spend his formative years rolling around the mind of Mick Foley, growing and gaining strength, until finally the day came when I unleashed that fully grown, mature promo onto the world. You see it is a craft, something I take a……
<Just then Attitude Adjuster walks onto the stage giving the slow golf clap as he walks up to Foley>
AA: That’s real nice Mick, but you can save your breath now. I am here to accept the award for Johnny Adrenaline, part of the GREATEST PROMO TEAM IN OOWF HISTORY!
<the crowd starts to boo and Attitude Adjuster gets riled up and takes the mic and walks to the edge of the stage>
AA: BOO ME? I’M ALREADY BOOED! How ya like THAT fat boy? You! Right there! Tell your old lady her spot in line for Space Mountain is up next! See that’s right! I do them BETTER than Flair! You know why? Because AA equals Ratings! Damn stra…..
<this whole time Foley has been watching Attitude Adjuster rand, and he gives the audience a sly look, then pulls Socko out of his pants and puts him on! Foley grabs AA and spins him around and applies the MANDIBLE CLAW!!!!! AA falls to his knees in pain, and Foley leans into the mic>
Foley: Let’s hear who the nominees for Promo of the Year are
Voice: The nominees for Promo of the Year are: “A History of The Chickenshit Heels” by Johnny Adrenaline and “A Wrestling Carroll” by Moosehead Jack
<Foley picks up the envelope with one hand, keeping AA trapped in the Mandible Claw with the other, he tears the envelope open with his teeth and drops pulls the announcement out>
Foley: Well I’ll be. Looks like you were right AA, the winner of Promo of the Year is “A History of The Chickenshit Heels” by Johnny Adrenaline. Johnny couldn’t be with us tonight, so accepting the award in his place is his longtime partner, Attitude Adjuster
<Foley finally releases the hold and AA gets to his feet and snatches the award from Foley and steps to the mic and begins to talk…….but nothing comes out!>
Foley: Oh yeah, part of the side effects from the Mandible Claw are temporary vocal cord paralysis. They should be back to normal in a half hour or so, HAVE A NICE DAY!!! BANG BANG!
<AA is furious and storms around the stage trying to protest, but nothing comes out. Gm the Rick finally has him escorted off the stage, and the award show continues on>
GMtR: Damn Foley, I think that may be the greatest thing you have ever done! You topped the Hell in the Cell, you managed to shut Attitude Adjuster up, I never thought I would see the day. Ok our next award is for Feud of the Year, and really, if I have to explain this to all of you……<holding his hand to his ear>…….what?...........are you fucking serious?..........oh yeah? Well I hate you too! Ok, so Feud of the Year, fer Christ sakes you people are WRESTLERS, you know what feud of the year is! It’s the feud that was better than all the rest either because of the outstanding matches that resulted or the sheer levels of hate that came from them, or both. Here to give out the award for feud of the year are two men who took the notion of feud to new and disturbing levels. Ladies and gentlemen Raven and Tommy Dreamer!
<once again the OOWF contingency gives the legends a standing ovation as they come out on the stage>
Raven: All right, settle down. You know most of the feuds you get involved in in this business are pretty by the numbers. You can kind of map them out from the start, you have an endgame in sight that you know you want to work toward. Those are the things that make wrestling mundane. Every now and then, though, you get a feud that becomes something more. It takes on a life of its own. Now, one of the drawbacks to that is that you will always be tied to that wrestlers, which means I am always linked to Tommy here.
Tommy: Hey, this is no picnic for me either. You know how many times I get asked “Hey Dreamer, when is Raven going to kick your ass again?” You got all the glory, I got all the ass kickings
Raven: Funny how that worked out like that. Ok let’s get the nominees
Voice: The nominees for Feud of the Year are: Stank vs. LD Williams, Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling and Davin Moreland vs. Chris Cole
<Dreamer grabs the envelope and starts to open it, when Raven turns, kicks him in the gut and DDT’S HIM ON THE FLOOR! Dreamer twitches uncontrollably before settling down into unconsciousness>
Raven: That’s another thing that makes a great feud great, unpredictability. The winner of Feud of the Year is……….Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling!
<Moose and Darling get up from their seats and exchange a look of mutual hate from across the room, then head to the podium. When they get there Darling cuts in front of Moose and grabs the mic first>
Darling: I’ll take care of this, no one gives a damn what you have to say anyway. When I came to the OOWF back in December, I had one goal, and that was to dominate the OOWF. I picked this resident has-been (pointing to Moose) and decided to make an example of him. First I took the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal title from him, then I carved my initials into him, then I took him and kidnapped him and tortured him at will, then I took his Intercontinental title. And what has he ever done about it? Not a damn thing. If you ask me, this really wasn’t much of a feud, it was domination, pure and simple I……….
<Moose had been listening the whole time, but he has finally heard enough. He grabs Darling, spins him around and hits a HEARTPUNCH that staggers Darling, then he kicks him in the midsection and DRILLS him with a DDT, leaving him lying on the floor right next to Tommy Dreamer. Moose gets to his feet and looks at Raven who looks on approvingly>
MHJ: You’re right. It’s the unexpected things.
<Moose takes his award and leaves the stage with Raven, once again Rick waves the stage hands on and they pull Dreamer and Darling off the stage to the back>
GMtR: Ok what is the body count so far? This is seriously getting ridiculous. Ok moving things along so we can all go home sometime this evening, we have Match of the Year. Clearly, what that means is this is the best match the OOWF has produced in a years time, as voted on by the people who vote for this kind of thing, whoever they may be. To present the award for match of the year is a man who has been in numerous match of the year candidates, ladies and gentlemen, the Olympic gold medalist……KURT ANGLE!
<music plays and Kurt Angle comes out from behind the curtain and walks to the podium and looks across the audience with steely eyes>
Angle: You know, I am not even sure WHY I am here. I mean look at this place? I won a freakin Olympic gold medal, and you put me up HERE? Why would anyone with an ounce of respect in their bodies come to Dayton, Ohio? You want me to talk about match of the year? Let me tell you something, my WORST match is better than ANY match in the OOWF. I mean you have guys that are pretending to be Samoan for cripes sake! Who does that? You have guys that disappear in clouds of smoke, that is SO 1999! As a matter of fact, since I won this gold medal with a BROKEN FREAKIN’ NECK, I am sure that all my matches are better than yours, so I think I am just going to take this aw….
<GM the Rick steps up and whispers something in Kurt’s ear>
Angle: Those charges were dropped! Whaddya mean Ohio is slow? Fine! Let’s get on with the nominees.
Voice: The nominees for Match of the Year are: Eric O’Mac vs. Alexander Darling, February 20th MidWeek Mayhem and OOWF Jobber Gauntlet, March 12, Midweek Mayhem
Angle: <opening the envelope> Are you serious? The OOWF Jobber Gauntlet!
<Carl From Fresno gets to his feet and makes his way to the podium, while the rest of the OOWF Job Squad makes their way from the back and fill up the stage behind Angle. Cornpone Kenny, Dr, Stone Cole Death Von Erich, Buddy “PS” Gordy, Kletus K. Klampitt, “Love Machine” Billy Wayne Woodard, The Philly Satanic, “Cheesesteak” Tony DaVida, The Maryland Mauler, Salty Dawg, Preston Davenport Quiggleville III, Jessup McCullum, Mormon Joe, Moe Zouri, “Hacksaw” Huck Sawyer, Madman Lindbergh, Bear Bryant III, Ben “Strangla” Franklin, Bert Clarke, Yves Vachon, Shiva Singh, Holmes Van Der Beek, Thomas Builds-The-Fire, Steve Young, Bizmark Jr., Russ Moore, Minnesota Mangler, Pawtucket Pete, Brodie Delmarva, Bennett Sinatra, Mele Kalikamuka, Yokozuna Wanaleya, El Gran Diablo Gato, Nigel Boatswain, Mikael Van De Jong, Sanislaus Grobkopf, Hurricane, Joking Noah, Fumunda Mung, Puck Dupp, El Chupacabra, “Yukon” John West, Chile Bean Amezaga, Uruguay Jim, Sven Favre, Karl Von Krush, Baron Von Oregon, Kiwi Joe, The Bay Bridge Boyz: Jinx & Spazz, Baldr Sigurbjornsson, Steve the Viking, Joey Keilbasa, Steve “Mongol” Khan, Tommy Chong Li, Sum Phat Ho, Taipei Viper, Mossi Oxlade, “Superfly” Afa Lofatatupuwanalaya, Mohammed Abdul Malik-Shabaz, Jose Manuel Ramirez Ortiz Cuervo, Sammy ‘Firewater’ Blackfoot, Hi-Vo Sakamoto, Rap Master MC Freestlye, Oubonlamphanah Souphanousinphone, Zabi Khan and Vasco de Gama XVII. Puck Dupp joins Angle and Carl at the podium.
Dupp: You know, most people seem to forget that I won this match
Carl: Most people remember that you cheated to win
Dupp: I SHOULD BE IN DEA!!!! YOU TOOK MY SPOT!
Angle: Are you serious? A jobber feud? No one cares about either of you. <turning to those behind him> Or any of you. No one cares. You know what the highlight of each one of your careers is? I can tell you. Its right now. All of you being on the stage with an Olympic Gold Medalist is as good as it’s going to get for any of you. Now, GET THE HELL OFF OF MY STAGE!
<The Job Squad all kind of look around and shrug then start toward Angle>
Angle: HEY! What are you all doing! PUT ME DOWN!
<The OOWF Job Squad pick Kurt Angle up and carry him down off the stage and through the crowd as the crowd applauds them all. The Jobbers carry Kurt out the doors and thanks to an Invisible Ninja Cameraman that follows them, we see them dump Kurt in the fountain outside of the Dayton Convention Center Annex. Angle thrashes around in the inches deep water for full effect, then finally gets to his knees and screams bloody murder as the OOWF Job Squad filter back into the Convention Center. We cut back to GM the Rick who has his head in his hand shaking it slowly from side to side>
GMtR: He is going to want us to pay for that suit. I hope all of you are happy. Ok moving right along in search of good time and good news. <Rick gets blank stares from the crowd> What? Oh I see, all of YOU can do it, but I can’t. Go to hell each and every one of you. Next up we have the Angle of the Year award. Of course we all know that an angle is a story created to further issues between two opponents. If not for them, the sole reason anyone would ever be wrestling one another is for the sheer joy of athletic competition, and god knows we can’t have THAT. So, here to present the award for Angle of the Year, is Canada’s own, Lance Storm
<Storm Storm stands there for a moment until the applause dies down>
Storm: If I could be serious for a moment
<huge applause, Storm waits again, growing a bit impatient> I
f I may continue. I really can’t see how you can give an award for this since this is something completely breaking kayfabe. You are admitting that there are predetermined storylines! This is what is wrong with wrestling! There is nothing secret anymore! I blame each and every one of you for RUINING what I hold so dear! I should write a blog about this, and condemn each and every one of WHUMP!
<Kayfabe stands behind Storm with the baseball bat while he slowly slumps to the floor. Kayfabe then takes the bat ant points to the ceiling for the Voice to read the nominees>
Voice: The nominees for Angle of the Year are: Team Rick Goes to Jail, and Firewoman’s Baby Daddy Drama
<we come back and Kayfabe points the bat at Rick. Rick walks over and opens the envelope and reads the winner>
GMtR: The winner of Angle of the Year goes to…….Team Rick Goes to Jail!
<Round of applause from the whole crowd>
GMtR: Since that was really a cumulative effort, everyone stand up and take a bow. I guess you all get awards or something.
<Kayfabe drags Lance Storm off the stage as GM the Rick watches>
GMtR: There is no way we are getting anyone to do this show next year, hope all of you are happy! Ok continuing with this, I need to watch the Yankees….oh wait, they are eliminated, and the Reds are shit. Damn I need to be more like LeBron. There, I have always liked the Rays. Ok let’s hurry this up I need to watch the Rays play…….well whoever it is they are playing. Our next award is for breakthrough star of the year. This is for the wrestler who has joined the OOWF in the last year and has had the greatest impact on the fed. As is our custom in the OOWF, a custom that was started right now, the past winners will announce this year’s winner, so let me introduce , Voltage, The Halfrican Americans: Nayr and Fly, Firechild and Capellan <silence> Wait, not a single one of them is in the OOWF anymore? What the hell is that? Every single one of them is GONE? Didn’t someone LOOK this up before we came out here? Oh fer chrissakes! Get someone out here to read this!
<there a commotion while someone searches for someone in the back to come out, finally
Curt “The Golden God” Schilling comes out and steps to the podium to a nice round of applause, especially from Moosehead Jack>
Schilling: Thank you. I am not usually one to talk, but if you could just give me a minute I would like to give you my views on the OOWF. You see when I was first coming up in the OOWF, Arn Anderson pulled me aside and told me the right way to do things, and that saved my career here. I have always done things the right way. There are some people, Manny Ramirez and Chris Cole come to mind immediately, that don’t like to do things my way, or the right way. Now, there are ways to correct these problems, and I will elaborate on them. I have twenty-seven points to make, not coincidentally that is the number of outs in a game. Let me start by….
GMtR: Start by announcing the nominees Schilling!
Schilling: Oh. Well, ok. I will elaborate further on my twenty-seven points to perfection further, it will be on my blog at 38pitches.com/ anyway, the nominees for Breakthrough Performer of the year are:
Voice: The nominees for Breakthrough Performer of the Year are: Firewoman and DH Magnusson
Schilling: Before I open the envelope, I have a few comments about Kobe Bryant. You see Kobe, a true leader does not yell at his teammates on the field or the court, he blogs about them later. Now you see when I…….
GMtR: GET ON WITH IT SCHILLING!
Schilling: Oh, ok. The winner is………Firewoman!
<The crowd claps, even Alexander Darling, even though you can see he is clearly not into it. Fire makes her way to the stage and pauses by DH Magnusson’s chair, she puts her hand on his shoulder for a moment, and after a few seconds he looks up at her and nods. Fire smiles and heads to the stage>
Firewoman: When I got the call to come to OOWF, I was surprised and thrilled. A company that respects athletic talent and wrestling, that doesn’t care if you’re a woman or a man. A company that refuses to conform to the mainstream feds with their diva searches and pretty pretty princess belts. Well, most of the company. Some people would rather minimize my talent and skill, but we see what happens to them, right Alan? And now this company has chosen me, out a truly amazing field of rookies to win this award. Anyway, I had to make the decision really quickly, go to the OOWF or stay where I was. I packed up and left immediately and I’m so glad I did. I want to thank Rick for giving me the chance, all of my colleagues in Run-DEA, and especially everyone I’ve beaten for making me look so good. This award? This totally sparkles with me.
GMtR: Ok then, I think we can finally see the home stretch here,
thank god. Ok our next award is one that Vince McMahon will never give out in his life. This award is for Tag Team of the Year. For SOME people *cough*Vince*cough* tag teams are something that are thrown together when two people have nothing better to do, who inevitably become fodder for your world champion to beat in a HANDICAP MATCH! What makes it worse is, it’s a champion who is WORTHLESS! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? That is the dumbest thing I have ever seen! You have a tag team that you are trying to get across as a legitimate threat, and you have them either lose to your world champion, or some makeshift tag team! That is complete and utter bullshit! Look, I know how things are supposed to be! I have been doing this for years! And if you disagree with me? You are an idiot! That’s right I said it, I……
<GM the Rick suddenly stops when he realizes everyone is staring at him because of his sudden rant.>
GMtR: Umm, yes. Like I was saying, our next award is for tag team of the year, here to present the award for Tag Team of the Year are…….. THE ROAD WARRIORS – Animal and Paul Ellering
<Iron Man plays and the OOWF crowd erupts and Animal and Paul Ellering come out and stand behind the podium. The applause goes on for a long time, and they both get standing ovations. Finally the crowd gets quiet and Animal speaks>
Animal: First, thank you so much for the nice ovation. The reaction the Road Warriors get let me know that our spot in wrestling history is cemented. <huge pop> Thank you, thank you, but none of that could have happened without the people. <another pop> Now, that said……ALL YOU TAG TEAMS ARE NOTHING BUT ROAD WARRIORS WANNABES. WE COME FROM THE MEAN STREETS OF CHICAGO, AND THERE AIN’T ANY TWO MEN ON THIS PLANET BADDER THAN THE ROAD WARRIORS. Tell ‘em Paul <slap to the chest>
WELLLLLLLLLLLLL <POP!> The Road Warriors snack on danger, and dine on death. When we come through town, there ain’t nothin’ left but broken homes and dead bodies. Dead men feel no pain, and dead men tell no tails. Just how we like it.
<another standing ovation from the OOWF crowd>.
Ellering: Now, all that said, it is time for another team to take the first step toward wrestling immortality. The nominees for OOWF Tag Team of the Year are……
Voice: The Nominees for OOWF Tag Team of the Year are, The Midnight Sons – DH Magnusson and Spin Hansen, and Phantos and Lucios.
Animal: And the winners are……….Phantos and Lucios!
<Phantos and Lucios get to their feet amid a nice round of applause. They get manly hugs of mutual respect from their DEA teammates and congratulations from the rest of Team Rick. They make their way to the podium and exchange handshakes with Animal and Ellering>
Lucios: You know, we call ourselves the division killers, and the measuring stick of the OOWF, and I stand by that. But these two <pointing to Ellering and Animal> and Hawk….
Phantos: Rest in peace my friend
Lucios…..they set the bar awful damn high. You know, growing up in Texas, we saw our fair share of the Freebirds and what they did the Von Erich’s, so it always made us smile when we would read about what Hawk and Animal did to the Birds when they ventured out of Texas.
Phantos: We would also like to say, that it is an honor to win this award, especially since the competition is two men we went to war with repeatedly, and even though it may not be cool to say it, two men we respect the heck out of in Spin and DH.
Lucios: Now, all that said, you can be assured of one thing. Next year, at these awards, we will be right back up here behind this podium accepting tag team of the year again because there is not a team in the OOWF, now, or ever, that can hang with Phantos and Lucios.
<Phantos and Lucios take their awards and leave the stage>
GMtR: Hey how bout that, we made it through a whole segment without having to carry anyone away. Miracles DO happen! Ok our next award, and let’s keep things moving before someone else gets beaten, or before the authorities come and break this up. Our next award is Heel of the Year. Some people discount heels saying it is too easy to play the role of a heel, but really, without heels could there be faces? Without good can there be evil? Without……awwww Christ, now I sound like Crete and Moose. Dammit. Ok, whatever. Here to present heel of the year is. For my money, one of the best heels we have seen in the last twenty years. His run as the top heel may not have lasted all that long, but while he was on top, there was probably no hotter heel in the business. Ladies and Gentlemen, “The Franchise” Shane Douglas!
<Shane’s ECW theme plays and he comes out to the podium. The crowd gives him a nice ovation, and he laughs at them>
Douglas: Save it. I don’t need your applause. You know what this fed needs? It needs to be FRANCHISED! HAHAHAHA. Seriously, when I threw down the NWA title, I MADE ECW what it was. Without me, ECW would have stayed some piss-poor Philly indy fed with Johnny Hot Body and Tommy Cairo as their big draws. I MADE ECW what it was. And if you are lucky, I can do that for the OOWF too. Whoever the champion here is, face it, he can’t hang with THE FRANCHISE!
<LD Williams stands up and heads to the stage, and is restrained by Moose and Eric>
Douglas: Oh so YOU are the jabroni who is the champion here? Come on up here! I took Pitbull and BROKE HIS NECK, you think you can be any more of a challenge? Come on up here I will….
<Douglas’ mic is cut and we get a voice over announcing the nominees>
Voice: The nominees for Heel of the year are: <the camera quickly pans around the room and we see a pouting Alexander Darling holding an icepack to his head> Moosehead Jack and Eric O’Mac
Douglas: Oh I see how it is. Let me guess there is some sort of cliq here holding me down too huh? Fine I will read your award. The winner of Heel of the Year is…….Eric O’Mac
<Eric gets to his feet with a strange look in his eyes and heads to the stage. He gets there and accepts the award from Douglas, then Douglas goes to the edge of the stage and argues with Williams some more. From under the podium, Eric pulls out the sledge hammer! Eric grabs Douglas and BLASTS him between the eyes with the sledgehammer! Douglas falls off the stage and crashes through the Cape Town Cannibals table! Eric stands on the stage with the sledgehammer in one hand, his and the award in the other, looks at a barely conscious Douglas…….HA! Eric walks back to his seat like nothing happened as the stage hands come out and scrape Douglas up and carry him to the back.>
GMtR: Ok, well he DID kind of deserve that. That will teach you to stay in character and show up our guys. Douchebag. Ok the next award should be pretty obvious, we just did Heel of the Year, so naturally the next award would be Face of the Year. Again, without one, you really can’t have the other. The face is the wrestler who, for the most part, is the backbone of the company. You generally look to have strong faces to play the foil to the heel.
<kayfabe is seen becoming clearly agitated>
Oh, yeah ok, fine. Here to present the award for Face of the Year is one of the faciest faces to ever face in a wrestling fed, to my knowledge he didn’t spend one moment of his career as a heel, ladies and gentlemen…….Kevin Von Erich!
<Stranglehold plays and Kevin Von Erich walks out on the stage. The OOWF contingent give Kevin a standing ovation. Kevin stands there and soaks in the cheers for a moment, then asks the crowd to settle down a bit. When it finally gets quiet, Kevin speaks>
Von Erich: I appreciate your cheers, thank you very much. You know, I have watched the OOWF for years, growing up in wrestling like I did, and seeing World Class grow from a regional promotion to a worldwide promotion as it did, I can appreciate what has happened here, you guys deserve all the accolades you get, what you have accomplished here is really remarkable. <cheers> My whole career I was fortunate enough to work as a face……well, perhaps work is the wrong word for it. I never had to work at it. They say the best gimmick a wrestler can have is one that most closely mirrors his personality. When I was out there in front of the crowd, whether it was a tiny armory in some small Texas town, or Texas Stadium in front of forty-thousand people, what you saw out there was what I was, I always appreciated the crowd, I always appreciated the people. <more applause> It is clear to me, from watching this federation grow through the years, that some of the faces here feel the same way. So tonight, it is my honor to present the OOWF Face of the Year Award.
Voice: The nominees for Face of the Year are: Phantos & Lucios and Concrete TG
Von Erich: Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner is……….this seems fitting…….ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie!
<Phantos and Lucios and Concrete TG get to their feet and head to the stage. Phantos and Lucios get the manly hugs of mutual respect from the fellow DEA members and the rest of Team Rick. Crete gets congratulations from MOST of Team Rick, but certainly not all. They get to the stage and Phantos and Lucios give Von Erich hugs of great admiration and respect, Crete shakes Kevin’s hand. The tag champs defer to Crete first>
Crete: I am really not sure what to say. I have been here, for the most part, since day one, I have tried to do things the right way, despite Moose’s best efforts. Winning this……well winning this really kind of validates that what I have been trying to do all these years is the right thing. Thank you very much.
Phantos: It is an honor to win this, and it is an even bigger honor having this presented to us by Kevin Von Erich. We grew up watching Kevin and his brothers, and we hurt and cried with Kevin as tragedy befell his family time after time. I know I believe that if I can have a career half as good as this man, I know I will leave this business as one of the all-time greats
Lucios: I have to agree with my partner here. We came to the OOWF just over a year ago and we set out to dominate. We bid our time and did and said the right things, and that pushed us up the card to our rightful position. We stayed here through thick and thin……unlike some people <Phantos shoots Lucios a look after the shot at Crete> and we will stay here, doing what it takes to keep these titles <added almost as an afterthought> and keep the people happy, by giving them the best darn tag team in OOWF history! <applause>
GMtR: Touching. Moving. Really. Now get off the stage. We have finally come to the last award, and I feel that this may be the most important award of all the OOWF awards. It’s now time for the Wrestler of the Year award. Now, unlike the other awards, which are open to the public, the Wrestler of the Year award is one that is voted on by your peers, in my eyes, making this special. Wrestlers are a funny breed, no one likes to give anyone else credit, but it takes two to make magic in that ring. There really is no definition of greatness that I can put into words, it is just something that you know when you see it. The boys in the back are no different. They may not be able to define what great is, but they know it when they see it, and in this case, they vote on who they believe was the best for the year. So without further delay, let’s get the nominees for Wrestler of the Year.
Voice: The nominees for Wrestler of the Year are: Davin Moreland, and Stank
GMtR: And the winner is…..<Rick slowly opens the envelope allowing the tension to build> ……the winner, and 2008 Wrestler of the Year is…..for the second year in a row……….Stank!
<The OOWF wrestlers give Stank a standing ovation as he makes his way to the podium. Stank stands there, clearly moved by the ovation, finally he speaks>
Stank: Wow. I really don’t know what to say. When I won this last year, it was the crowning achievement of my career. A tag team wrestler that went on to not only have a successful solo run, but earn the accolades of his peers……that was really something special. To win this for the second time…….I am really at a loss for words here. Clearly this is not something I could win on my own, I have to thank LD for his string of fantastic matches while he was chasing the titles. I have to thank each and every one of you who have given me material to work with for promos. I have to thank management for having the faith to put me in matches where I am free to tell a story, and help push things along. So, to everyone, really, thank you.
<Stank gets another standing ovation from the crowd and as he makes his way back to the table, he gets handshakes and slaps on the back from everyone in the audience. Crete walks up to Stank and puts his hand out, Stank is reluctant for a second, then shakes Crete’s hand. Davin comes up and the two men exchange a brief look, then Davin gives the manly hug of mutual respect. The crowd begins to rise and file toward the exit when GM the Rick gets on the mic one more time>
GMtR: Ok asshats, settle down…ok…Goddammit Bunny sit the FUCK down before I send Darling after you…ok, great…ok. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a multitude of awards to give away at this awards show every year, but this year I, GM the Rick, have decided to institute a new award. This is a career achievement award; and one that will transcend like and dislike, heel and face, Rick and Bennett, Jerl and Unjerl, American and Canuckian. This award is called the “Grand Slam Trophy”, and it is given to those who have won the Tag Team, Onslaught, Intercontinental and World Heavyweight Titles throughout the course of their career. When someone accomplishes this feat, their name will be emblazoned on this fine trophy here; an artist’s rendering of the Dayton, Ohio skyline. Isn’t it breathtaking?
*Lots of murmurs in the crowd because it pretty much looks like a Concrete Slab on a Pole. Hey, that gives me an idea for a stips match…*
GMtR: The winner will possess the trophy until the next person achieves the Grand Slam threshold, at which time the possessor of the trophy will personally present the trophy to the most recent winner. This is an award which should be recognized with the highest honor, across party lines if you will – because it represents long-term excellence here in the OOWF and isn’t very easy to do. So with that said, let me introduce to you the very first winner of the OOWF Grand Slam Trophy, Moosehead Jack.
<The crowd claps politely at first, but when they see Concrete TG and Alexander Darling stand and vigorously applaud, everyone stands up and offers their heartfelt appreciation in a standing ovation. Moose looks around somewhat surprised, and LD and Eric urge him on, and he makes his way up to the podium. After several minutes, the ovation dies down and Moose speaks>
Moose: Wow. I….uh….I had no idea they were doing this. <Moose pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts.> You know, winning every title was never something I set out to do. In earlier promos, I always said that winning titles wasn’t a main goal of mine, it was causing havoc and mayhem. That is something I really believe in. There are some wrestlers that don’t NEED titles, which is not to devalue the belts in the least, it’s just that they make better foils for those chasing the titles. That’s how I always pictured myself, as someone that was there to prevent someone else from winning a title, never winning them on my own. And yet somehow, here I stand, the first Grand Slam champion. There really is only one thing to say, and that is thank you. Thank you to each and every one of you. This is an honor I never expected, and one that I put as the greatest of my career. Thank you all.
<Moose head back to the table with the trophy, still somewhat in disbelief>
GMtR: Ok folks, that does it for us. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Until the 2009 Awards, have a good night!
***OOC***
Ok this is the part where I thank all of you. Thank you for all the time you spend writing matches, writing promos and sending me ideas to help keep this monster moving along. I say this every year, so I know it sounds like I am just repeating myself, but without you, none of this would be possible. There is no way I would have had the time or energy to keep this going for all this time on my own. So again, to everyone, thank you.
And to Ecosystem, I hope you are reading this during your down time of being the BMOC. If you are, first off, congratulations on the college, you are going to rock that school and when you leave, it will never be the same. Second, thank you. Thank you for creating this, and thank you for letting me take over. It has been a lot of work, but it has become something I really enjoy that allows me to be creative. If you think about it, we have created a four year long story with contributions from nearly 100 people. That, to me, is something special, and we all have you to thank for it.
Past Winners[/u]
Catchphrase of the Year
2008- HA! – Eric O’Mac
2007 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2006 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2005 - Trust Me – Moosehead Jack
Gimmick of the Year
2008 – Rabbxt Becomes Bunny
2007 – “Cowboy” Johnny Adrenaline
2006 – The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000
2005 – Donovan Viper
Finisher of the Year
2008 – A Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2007 – (tie)A Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland & Intentional Disqualification – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – Call of the Wild – The Team From Down Under
2005 – The Chomp – GatorBait
Promo of the Year
2008 – A History of The Chickenshit Heels
2007 – Drink & Destroy Genealogy Promo
2006 – OOWF Airplane Ride From Hell
2005 – Donovan Viper’s Promo Before Dance of Death
Breakthrough Star of the Year
2008 - Firewoman
2007 – Voltage
2006 – The Halfrican Americans
2005 – (tie) Firechild & Capellan
Face of the Year
2008 – (tie) Concrete TG and Phantos & Lucios
2007 – Firechild
2006 – Capellan
2005 – Hardbody Harris
Heel of the Year
2008 – Eric O’Mac
2007 – Stank
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – Donovan Viper
Tag Team of the Year
2008 – Phantos & Lucios
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – 3Piece Set
Angle of the Year
2008 – Team Rick Goes to Jail
2007 – (tie) DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship & Drink & Destroy vs. The Heroes Guild
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Feud of the Year
2008 – Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Match of the Year
2008 – OOWF Jobber Gauntlet
2007 - The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy – Unsanctioned Match
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Devil’s Brigade vs. wCw – Bamboo Scaffold Match
2005 – Canadian Dragon vs. UnderDawg – Ultimate Hell
Wrestler of the Year
2008 - Stank
2007 – Stank
2006 – Thim Reynolds
2005 – Donovan Viper
NPC (Non-Player Character) of the Year
2008 – (tie) Carl From Fresno & Alexis Darling
2007 – No Award Given
2006 – Missy
2005 – Ric Flair
Our Hardcore who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy blades
Thy bed of nails, thy wounds be done with chairs or with barbed and razored wire.....
Give us this day our daily bled
and forgive us our shattered glasses
as we forgive those who use broken glass against us
And lead us not into garbage, but deliver us from mediocrity.....
Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome out emcee for the night, the man who knows what’s best for you whether you like it or not………GM the Rick
<applause from half the room. The camera pans across the room and we see all the OOWF Stars there, and all of them are dressed like it is an actual special occasion. The room is clearly divided into three sections. On one side we have Team Rick, cheering for their leader as he steps to the podium. On the other side we see Bennett’s Army sitting on their hands and booing Rick as he comes out. In the middle there are two tables where the undecided’s sit, it seems like they want to clap, but they can’t make up their mind as to what they want to do>
GMtR: : Save your applause, it’s not going to help and in all honesty, I hate you all anyway. I can’t believe I let them write this into my contract. Why the hell isn’t Bennett hosting this?
<from the audience> Because go fuck yourself, that’s why!
<raucous laughter follows>
GMtR: Eric if that was you, so help me……..Anyway. We start things off with the award for best NPC, or Non-Playing Character. This basically means someone had a good idea, but couldn’t find someone to fill the role, so you pick up the slack
<Rick glances over his shoulder and sees Kayfabe standing just off stage with a baseball bat>
GMtR: That good enough for you?
<Kayfabe nods>
GMtR: Anyway, here to present the award this year is longtime OOWF NPC, the winner of the FIRST OOWF NPC award, former world heavyweight champion, and all around wrestling legend……the Nature Boy, Ric Flair! WOOOOOOO!
< Flair’s music starts and The Man walks out on the stage. The entire roster rises and gives Flair a standing ovation and a thunderous applause>
Flair: Thank you. Thank you. Really, I’m touched. Thank you.
<The applause finally dies down>
You know, I have been in this business for a lot of years, and I have seen a lot of things, but I gotta say, what you people have managed to accomplish here is truly something special. <more applause> Several years ago, I was asked if I wanted to come in and be a part of this. At the time, I had no idea what to expect. I was told that I was going to run a sandwich shop and cut a promo on Jared……
<without warning the promo rolls, cause that’s how we, uh, roll in the OOWF>
Jarrod: Two years ago, I weighed over eleven hundred pounds….
Voice Off-screen: Whoooooo!! Fat boy!!
Jarrod:…errr, but then I found Subway’s new delicious low calorie turkey sub on a pita loaf
VO: Turkey, by god, on pita whoooooo!!!!
Jarrod: Ummmm, and I, uh ate the turkey and their subs for breakfast and . . .
VO: and I took your momma to Space Mountain! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!
<just then Ric Flair strolls onto camera carrying a Philly Steak and Cheese sub>
Jarrod: who the hell is this guy?
RF: Who am I? Who am I! I’m RIC FLAIR Bitch! Ha! WHoooooooooo!
Jarrod: right, why are you here?
RF: <becoming serious> For thirty glorious years I traveled this world, I ate with the greats! Me and Harley Race devoured ribs in Kansas City! Me and Abdullah the Butcher at barbecue in Atlanta! Me and Hogan tore the roof off of all the five star restaurants in New York! I’ve had sushi in Japan with Muta, I’ve had steak with the Von Erich’s in Texas, God rest their souls. Jarrod, I’ve seen it all!! I’ve dined with Kings, I ate beanie weenies with the jabronies in Minnesota. But never, by God, never have I had a sub sandwich like this Philly! WHOOOOOOOO!!!
Jarrod: Well Ric, that’s great and all, but the Philly isn’t exactly on the carb friendly menu….
RF: Carbs! Carbs! You don’t eat a 12 pound steak in an hour worrying about carbs! You don’t eat more hard boiled eggs than Andre BY GOD the Giant worrying about carbs! You don’t survive a Thai food death match with Tiger Jeet Singh by worrying about carbs! WHOOOOOO! To BE the man, you gotta OUT EAT the man! WHOOOOOOOO!!!
Jarrod: but, um Ric, this is sorta MY spot, you know, doing the subway commercials and all…
<from off screen Arn Anderson runs into the picture clubs Jarrod in the back if the head, starts to whip Jarrod across the room, then pulls him back toward him and destroys him with a crazy spinebuster>
AA: You are not just given a spot among the elite. You have to earn it. When Ric was eating the hottest salsa south of Texas, who was there with the water? It was me. When Ric traveled to England and had more kidney pie than William Regal, who was there with the napkins? It was me. I earned my spot. And this man <slapping Flair on the shoulder> This man is a legend, if he says eat the Philly, then that’s exactly what you do.
RF: Diamonds are forever, and so is the twelve inch Philly sub from subway. Subway, eat fresh! WHOOOOOO!!!!
<Flair and Anderson leave, as they walk by Anderson stomps on the fallen Jarrod>
<The crowd breaks into another round of applause>
Flair: Aww, thank you, really, thank you. It was after that promo that I knew I had made it in the OOWF as an NPC, winning the award for NPC of the Year that year was really something special. Through the years I have taken my lumps, especially from you Attitude Adjuster, and that damn partner of yours Johnny Adrenaline! Where is he? Get him out here NOW! <Flair takes off his coat and drops it on the floor> SCARE ME? I’M ALREADY SCARED! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! <Flair elbow drops the coat, and blades, bringing another round of applause> To BE an NPC you have to BEAT an NPC!
Voice: And our candidates this year are, Carl From Fresno, and Alexis Darling.
Flair: And the winner is…………………<Flair opens the envelope> Folks, you’re not going to believe this……..we have a WHOOOOOOOOOO BY GOD TIE!
<The crowd rises as Alexis Darling, finally back from her odyssey with Ax-Man, and Carl From Fresno make their way to the podium>
Alexis: When my brother decided to come to the OOWF, he didn’t want to come in alone. Said something about needing moral support, so he forced me to come along. Reminds me of when we were kids and he was potty training. For the life of him, he couldn’t do it on his own, he needed someone else in the room with him encouraging him……
<the crowd begins to laugh>
Alexander: SHUT UP LEXIE!
Alexis: Oh, yeah, anyway. I appreciate the award, thank you all.
Carl From Fresno: I’m hungry. Seriously, where is the buffet? When I signed on I was told there would be food. I will trade this award for a sandwich.
GMtR:<kind of pushing Carl away> Isn’t that great? Always living the gimmick, way to go Carl
Carl: I’m not kidding! Dammit I am really hungry! I think I have an eating disorder or something….
GMtR: Now, moving on to our next award, we have Gimmick of the Year. Now, we all know that everyone in the OOWF can wrestle, to some varying degree. But the thing that really gets guys over is their gimmick. It’s that hook that can take a wrestler from being a good talent, to a true superstar. In the past, we have seen things like “Cowboy” Johnny Adrenaline, The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000 and Donovan Viper
DV: I AM NOT A HOMO!
GMtR: Seriously, we get it Donnie. Oh, and accounting wants to see you, something about a weekend in Thailand while we were overseas, something about you trying to write off a manly fingers massage
DV: THAT WAS, uh, MANY FINGERS!!
GMtR: Yes, of course it was. Anyway, gimmicks are what sometimes drives a wrestler, and in some cases, that’s all the wrestler has is his gimmick. Here to present the award, very fittingly if you ask me, is HULK HOGAN!
<mixed reaction from the crowd as Hogan comes out to Real American Hogan poses before walking to the podium, then grabs the mic>
Hogan: WHATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THE LARGEST ARMS…….
Someone in the Crowd: STEEEEEEEEEROIDS
Hogan: What? Say your prayers, eat your st….errr vitamins!! I have been backstage hangin’ and bangin’ my daughter……..wait, was that out loud? I mean…….let’s get to the nominees BROTHER!
Voice: The Nominees for Best Gimmick of the Year are: SYB turns Canadian, Rabbxt Becomes Bunny, and the Forklift of Fun
Hogan: <slowly opening the envelope> Before I announce the winner, I just want to say how surprised I am at the success of the OOWF. I mean, you managed to make it without ME! That just blows my mind man. But just wait, real soon I am starting up a fed with my buds Eric Bischoff and Brian Knobbs! Then we will see what’s what in the world of wrestling! <boos> Ok, the winner of Gimmick of the year is…….
RABBXT BECOMES BUNNY!
<The camera pans over to Bunny, who looks stunned that he won something. He gets out of his seat and climbs onto his table and does a back flip off the table, then runs and does three forward summer saults then bounces off the catering cart, does a double back flip, and lands on the stage next to Hogan. Hogan hands him the award and Bunny steps to the podium and looks wide eyed. After a moment Bunny speaks>
Bunny: You guys really like me!
Alexander Darling: No, I still hate you!
<Bunny looks around the podium for a moment, then pushes a button and Darling is kicked out of the room. A moment later Darling comes back in yelling YOU SON OF A BITCH WHAT WAS THAT FOR? Bunny hits the button again and once again Darling is kicked out. Seconds later Darling comes back in. DO THAT ONE MORE TIME AND I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! So naturally Bunny does it again. This goes on for a few more minutes, as soon as Darling comes back into the room, Bunny hits the button and Darling is kicked again. Finally Firewoman yells out WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF! YOU ARE GIVING ME A HEADACHE! Darling slinks back to his seat and slumps in his chair, clearly not happy with the way the evening is going.>
Bunny: Sorry, I have always wanted to do that. Gimmick of the year huh. You know, at first I tried getting over as a caffeine addicted submissive, and that didn’t quite catch on. So then I decided to put on a bunny suit and change my name, and I gotta say, it’s been nothing but good since then. My matches have improved, my standing on the card has improved, my promos have improved….
GMtR: When was the last time you promoted?
Bunny: I……uhhhh……well…..you see this summer I was kind of busy, you know, becoming a man
GMtR: What?
Bunny: I was…….you know <winks>
GMtR: What the hell are you talking about?
Voice from the audience: JESUS RICK, HE GOT LAID!
GMtR: Oh, oh OH! Damn, that is a mental image I will NEVER get out of my head!
Another voice from the crowd: HA!
GMtR: Dammit Eric I KNOW that was you! I am going to have you jerking the curtain SO FAST
DV: Jerkin what? Wait……I AM NOT A HOMO!
GMtR: SHUT THE FUCK UP DONNIE!
<Lawyers immediately appear on stage with papers>
Lawyer: Mr. The Rick, we represent Johnny Adrenaline, and these are cease and desist orders, he feels that Shut the Fuck Up Donnie is impinging on his catch phrase rights. We demand that you stop with that catchphrase immediately before we are forced to take more stringent action.
GMtR: What? Get the fuck out of here. Kayfabe?
<Kayfabe charges out from the gorilla position and beats the two lawyers mercilessly with the bat for several minutes drawing loud cheers from the crowd. Finally she drags their limp bodies back to the back, and the awards show continues>
GMtR: Moving things along, our next award is for Catchphrase of the year. A catchphrase is sort of like a verbal gimmick, it is something catchy that you can identify a wrestler by. Some catchphrases have stood the test of time and endured as classics. Others, have felt forced and unnatural and died quiet painful deaths. I mean really, does ANYONE remember “Caught Me a Marlin?” I didn’t think so. So here to present the award for Catchphrase of the Year, how the hell can we afford all this? Seriously? Whatever. Here to present Catchphrase of the Year is………..THE ROCK!
<The Rock comes out to his music to a nice big cheer from the crowd. The rock walks up to the podium and stands and looks across the crowd, raises the eyebrow, which gets another big pop, then begins to speak>
Rock: So here we are. The OOWF Awards. All you need is LJ Bennett singing “Stand Back” and you would have it all. Look at this crowd here tonight. Look at that big gumpy guy <points to Fezzik> I am not sure if I should be afraid of him, or if I should shot him and make a rug. <crowd murmurs> And look over there. LD Williams, you’re the champion of this fed huh? Well your momma called she thinks you suck too. <the crowd grows restless at The Rock’s clearly subpar material> An you, you there in the first row <pointing to The Amnesiac> What’s your name?
The Amnesiac: WHY DOES EVERYONE FORGET ABOUT THE AMNESIAC?
Rock: IT DOESN’T MATTER…..wait, what? Haven’t you heard this bit before?
The Amnesiac: Yes, we all have. It sucks. Move on.
Rock:<to GM The Rick> I still get paid for this, right?
GMtR: Just move it along Potsie
Rock: Fine, the nominees for Catchphrase of the Year are…….
Voice: “HA!” by Eric O’Mac, “BOOYAH BITCH!” by Alexander Darling and “Because Go Fuck Yourself, That’s Why” by Eric O’Mac
Rock: And the winner is……………”HA!” by Eric O’Mac. Wait? Seriously? HA! Wins the award? The Rock has had some of the greatest catchphrases in wrestling history, and you win for HA!? No wonder this promotion isn’t going anywhere! This is completely ridiculous……
<While The Rock is ranting and raving on stage, Eric O’Mac calmly walks onto the stage, walks up to Kayfabe and takes her bat, then walks over and CRACKS The Rock on the back of the skull! The Rock drops to the floor, out cold. Kayfabe walks over and takes the bat. Eric slowly looks down, points at The Rock……..>
EOM: HA!
<Eric takes his award and leaves the stage as the crowd, at least the Bennett side, gives him a standing ovation>
GMtR: <As stagehands are dragging The Rock off the stage> Ok, I was hoping this would end without our guests being knocked unconscious, I should have known better I guess. Ok moving along, our next award is for finisher of the year. The finisher is usually the third piece in the tirfecta of making a great wrestler. You have to have the gimmick, the catchphrase, and the finisher. You land all three of those, and usually you will have some level of success no matter how well you can actually wrestle. Here to present the award for Finisher of the Year is the one and only, and hopefully not “drugged” Jake the Snake Roberts!
< Jake’s music plays and he comes out to the podium, and surprisingly, he doesn’t look a bit drunk. The crowd gives him a nice ovation, except for Moosehead Jack, who is standing on his chair clapping wildly YOU RULE JAKE!! Are those tears? Jake steps to the podium and looks around for a moment, then speaks>
Roberts: You know, I have been a lot of places and seen a lot of things, and I have to say, this just about beats all. I have watched over the years, I have watched this fed grow and change. I have watched people come and go, and I admit, I am hooked. I am a fan. So congratulations to the OOWF. The Snake approves <loud cheers>
Now, as for finishers, I have been blessed to have one of the best in the wrestling business. A good finisher is one that can come from anywhere at any time, and once it is hit, you know the match is over. The DDT has served me well over the years. Now, I have met a lot of fans over the years, and there is always one question that I get asked more than any other. “What does DDT stand for?” Very simply, The End. With that, let’s get the nominations.
Voice: The nominees for Finisher of the Year are:”100 Proof” – The Midnight Sons, “Stank-U”- Stank, and “A Really Good Diamond Cutter” – Davin Moreland
Roberts: The winner is <slowly opening the envelope>………………….A REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER, DAVIN MORELAND!
<Davin gets up from his seat and accepts the congratulations from his DEA teammates and makes his way to the podium. Once he gets there he shakes Jake’s hand and pauses for a moment while the applause continues, finally it dies down and Davin speaks>
Moreland: You know, before I can go any further, there is one man who is backstage tonight that I just have to thank. So, Dallas, I know you’re back there, come on out.
<His music plays and out comes Diamond Dallas Page!>
DDP: Thank you Davin, it’s an honor to come out here with you tonight.
Moreland: You know, when I was training in the Power Plant back when WCW was still around, when I was just a green kid, DDP saw potential in me. One day I was putting in some extra time, and he pulled me aside. He told me, “kid, you got it. You got the talent, you got all it takes to make it in this business. The only thing you are lacking is a good finisher.” It was that night he taught me the Really Good Diamond Cutter. I am forever in your debt my friend.
<the two share a brief hug of manly mutual respect>
Moreland: There is always one thing I wanted to do though, and I can’t think of a better time to do it. Ok, guys in the back, Jinx and Spazz, I know you are back there, yeah come out here for a moment
<The Bay Bridge Boyz walk out, they get no music. DDP and Davin eye them up for a moment, then a sly smile crosses their faces. They catch the Bay Bridge Boyz with matching kicks to the midsection, then DROP THEM WITH A REALLY GOOD DIAMOND CUTTER AND A DIAMOND CUTTER! Both Davin and DDP get back to their feet……………….feel the BANG! The OOWF audience applauds loudly as stage hands pull two more bodies off of the stage. Another brief hug of manly mutual respect and DDP heads backstage and Davin heads back to his seat.>
GMtR: Well wasn’t that touching? Keeping things moving along, our next award is for promo of the year. In wrestling stories can be told just as much outside the ring as they can be inside the ring. A good promo can escalate a feud, take it in a new direction, or add new elements to it. There have been legendary promo men in wrestling, men we have already seen tonight, like Jake Roberts. There are many others, Raven and his promos in ECW, and our next guest, presenting the award for Promo of the year……..MICK FOLEY!
< Foley’s theme plays and he comes out to a rousing ovation from the OOWF crowd, the ovation turns into FOLEY! FOLEY! FOLEY! Chants. Mick acknowledges the crowd and finally they calm down.>
Foley: You know, even with one ear, I could hear the love in that ovation, and for that, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart. And Rick….Ricky you sly old dog, thank you for the kind words. You know, I have worked with a lot of guys in this business, and to many of them, a promo was just something that had to be done. It was thirty seconds, or five minutes of bullet points to hit to get your point across, then you went about your business. Now, I admit, I had my fair share of those, but I like to think I brought a little something special to the table. You see, I felt like every promo I did was a child, a child that I gave birth to somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind. That child would spend his formative years rolling around the mind of Mick Foley, growing and gaining strength, until finally the day came when I unleashed that fully grown, mature promo onto the world. You see it is a craft, something I take a……
<Just then Attitude Adjuster walks onto the stage giving the slow golf clap as he walks up to Foley>
AA: That’s real nice Mick, but you can save your breath now. I am here to accept the award for Johnny Adrenaline, part of the GREATEST PROMO TEAM IN OOWF HISTORY!
<the crowd starts to boo and Attitude Adjuster gets riled up and takes the mic and walks to the edge of the stage>
AA: BOO ME? I’M ALREADY BOOED! How ya like THAT fat boy? You! Right there! Tell your old lady her spot in line for Space Mountain is up next! See that’s right! I do them BETTER than Flair! You know why? Because AA equals Ratings! Damn stra…..
<this whole time Foley has been watching Attitude Adjuster rand, and he gives the audience a sly look, then pulls Socko out of his pants and puts him on! Foley grabs AA and spins him around and applies the MANDIBLE CLAW!!!!! AA falls to his knees in pain, and Foley leans into the mic>
Foley: Let’s hear who the nominees for Promo of the Year are
Voice: The nominees for Promo of the Year are: “A History of The Chickenshit Heels” by Johnny Adrenaline and “A Wrestling Carroll” by Moosehead Jack
<Foley picks up the envelope with one hand, keeping AA trapped in the Mandible Claw with the other, he tears the envelope open with his teeth and drops pulls the announcement out>
Foley: Well I’ll be. Looks like you were right AA, the winner of Promo of the Year is “A History of The Chickenshit Heels” by Johnny Adrenaline. Johnny couldn’t be with us tonight, so accepting the award in his place is his longtime partner, Attitude Adjuster
<Foley finally releases the hold and AA gets to his feet and snatches the award from Foley and steps to the mic and begins to talk…….but nothing comes out!>
Foley: Oh yeah, part of the side effects from the Mandible Claw are temporary vocal cord paralysis. They should be back to normal in a half hour or so, HAVE A NICE DAY!!! BANG BANG!
<AA is furious and storms around the stage trying to protest, but nothing comes out. Gm the Rick finally has him escorted off the stage, and the award show continues on>
GMtR: Damn Foley, I think that may be the greatest thing you have ever done! You topped the Hell in the Cell, you managed to shut Attitude Adjuster up, I never thought I would see the day. Ok our next award is for Feud of the Year, and really, if I have to explain this to all of you……<holding his hand to his ear>…….what?...........are you fucking serious?..........oh yeah? Well I hate you too! Ok, so Feud of the Year, fer Christ sakes you people are WRESTLERS, you know what feud of the year is! It’s the feud that was better than all the rest either because of the outstanding matches that resulted or the sheer levels of hate that came from them, or both. Here to give out the award for feud of the year are two men who took the notion of feud to new and disturbing levels. Ladies and gentlemen Raven and Tommy Dreamer!
<once again the OOWF contingency gives the legends a standing ovation as they come out on the stage>
Raven: All right, settle down. You know most of the feuds you get involved in in this business are pretty by the numbers. You can kind of map them out from the start, you have an endgame in sight that you know you want to work toward. Those are the things that make wrestling mundane. Every now and then, though, you get a feud that becomes something more. It takes on a life of its own. Now, one of the drawbacks to that is that you will always be tied to that wrestlers, which means I am always linked to Tommy here.
Tommy: Hey, this is no picnic for me either. You know how many times I get asked “Hey Dreamer, when is Raven going to kick your ass again?” You got all the glory, I got all the ass kickings
Raven: Funny how that worked out like that. Ok let’s get the nominees
Voice: The nominees for Feud of the Year are: Stank vs. LD Williams, Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling and Davin Moreland vs. Chris Cole
<Dreamer grabs the envelope and starts to open it, when Raven turns, kicks him in the gut and DDT’S HIM ON THE FLOOR! Dreamer twitches uncontrollably before settling down into unconsciousness>
Raven: That’s another thing that makes a great feud great, unpredictability. The winner of Feud of the Year is……….Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling!
<Moose and Darling get up from their seats and exchange a look of mutual hate from across the room, then head to the podium. When they get there Darling cuts in front of Moose and grabs the mic first>
Darling: I’ll take care of this, no one gives a damn what you have to say anyway. When I came to the OOWF back in December, I had one goal, and that was to dominate the OOWF. I picked this resident has-been (pointing to Moose) and decided to make an example of him. First I took the DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal title from him, then I carved my initials into him, then I took him and kidnapped him and tortured him at will, then I took his Intercontinental title. And what has he ever done about it? Not a damn thing. If you ask me, this really wasn’t much of a feud, it was domination, pure and simple I……….
<Moose had been listening the whole time, but he has finally heard enough. He grabs Darling, spins him around and hits a HEARTPUNCH that staggers Darling, then he kicks him in the midsection and DRILLS him with a DDT, leaving him lying on the floor right next to Tommy Dreamer. Moose gets to his feet and looks at Raven who looks on approvingly>
MHJ: You’re right. It’s the unexpected things.
<Moose takes his award and leaves the stage with Raven, once again Rick waves the stage hands on and they pull Dreamer and Darling off the stage to the back>
GMtR: Ok what is the body count so far? This is seriously getting ridiculous. Ok moving things along so we can all go home sometime this evening, we have Match of the Year. Clearly, what that means is this is the best match the OOWF has produced in a years time, as voted on by the people who vote for this kind of thing, whoever they may be. To present the award for match of the year is a man who has been in numerous match of the year candidates, ladies and gentlemen, the Olympic gold medalist……KURT ANGLE!
<music plays and Kurt Angle comes out from behind the curtain and walks to the podium and looks across the audience with steely eyes>
Angle: You know, I am not even sure WHY I am here. I mean look at this place? I won a freakin Olympic gold medal, and you put me up HERE? Why would anyone with an ounce of respect in their bodies come to Dayton, Ohio? You want me to talk about match of the year? Let me tell you something, my WORST match is better than ANY match in the OOWF. I mean you have guys that are pretending to be Samoan for cripes sake! Who does that? You have guys that disappear in clouds of smoke, that is SO 1999! As a matter of fact, since I won this gold medal with a BROKEN FREAKIN’ NECK, I am sure that all my matches are better than yours, so I think I am just going to take this aw….
<GM the Rick steps up and whispers something in Kurt’s ear>
Angle: Those charges were dropped! Whaddya mean Ohio is slow? Fine! Let’s get on with the nominees.
Voice: The nominees for Match of the Year are: Eric O’Mac vs. Alexander Darling, February 20th MidWeek Mayhem and OOWF Jobber Gauntlet, March 12, Midweek Mayhem
Angle: <opening the envelope> Are you serious? The OOWF Jobber Gauntlet!
<Carl From Fresno gets to his feet and makes his way to the podium, while the rest of the OOWF Job Squad makes their way from the back and fill up the stage behind Angle. Cornpone Kenny, Dr, Stone Cole Death Von Erich, Buddy “PS” Gordy, Kletus K. Klampitt, “Love Machine” Billy Wayne Woodard, The Philly Satanic, “Cheesesteak” Tony DaVida, The Maryland Mauler, Salty Dawg, Preston Davenport Quiggleville III, Jessup McCullum, Mormon Joe, Moe Zouri, “Hacksaw” Huck Sawyer, Madman Lindbergh, Bear Bryant III, Ben “Strangla” Franklin, Bert Clarke, Yves Vachon, Shiva Singh, Holmes Van Der Beek, Thomas Builds-The-Fire, Steve Young, Bizmark Jr., Russ Moore, Minnesota Mangler, Pawtucket Pete, Brodie Delmarva, Bennett Sinatra, Mele Kalikamuka, Yokozuna Wanaleya, El Gran Diablo Gato, Nigel Boatswain, Mikael Van De Jong, Sanislaus Grobkopf, Hurricane, Joking Noah, Fumunda Mung, Puck Dupp, El Chupacabra, “Yukon” John West, Chile Bean Amezaga, Uruguay Jim, Sven Favre, Karl Von Krush, Baron Von Oregon, Kiwi Joe, The Bay Bridge Boyz: Jinx & Spazz, Baldr Sigurbjornsson, Steve the Viking, Joey Keilbasa, Steve “Mongol” Khan, Tommy Chong Li, Sum Phat Ho, Taipei Viper, Mossi Oxlade, “Superfly” Afa Lofatatupuwanalaya, Mohammed Abdul Malik-Shabaz, Jose Manuel Ramirez Ortiz Cuervo, Sammy ‘Firewater’ Blackfoot, Hi-Vo Sakamoto, Rap Master MC Freestlye, Oubonlamphanah Souphanousinphone, Zabi Khan and Vasco de Gama XVII. Puck Dupp joins Angle and Carl at the podium.
Dupp: You know, most people seem to forget that I won this match
Carl: Most people remember that you cheated to win
Dupp: I SHOULD BE IN DEA!!!! YOU TOOK MY SPOT!
Angle: Are you serious? A jobber feud? No one cares about either of you. <turning to those behind him> Or any of you. No one cares. You know what the highlight of each one of your careers is? I can tell you. Its right now. All of you being on the stage with an Olympic Gold Medalist is as good as it’s going to get for any of you. Now, GET THE HELL OFF OF MY STAGE!
<The Job Squad all kind of look around and shrug then start toward Angle>
Angle: HEY! What are you all doing! PUT ME DOWN!
<The OOWF Job Squad pick Kurt Angle up and carry him down off the stage and through the crowd as the crowd applauds them all. The Jobbers carry Kurt out the doors and thanks to an Invisible Ninja Cameraman that follows them, we see them dump Kurt in the fountain outside of the Dayton Convention Center Annex. Angle thrashes around in the inches deep water for full effect, then finally gets to his knees and screams bloody murder as the OOWF Job Squad filter back into the Convention Center. We cut back to GM the Rick who has his head in his hand shaking it slowly from side to side>
GMtR: He is going to want us to pay for that suit. I hope all of you are happy. Ok moving right along in search of good time and good news. <Rick gets blank stares from the crowd> What? Oh I see, all of YOU can do it, but I can’t. Go to hell each and every one of you. Next up we have the Angle of the Year award. Of course we all know that an angle is a story created to further issues between two opponents. If not for them, the sole reason anyone would ever be wrestling one another is for the sheer joy of athletic competition, and god knows we can’t have THAT. So, here to present the award for Angle of the Year, is Canada’s own, Lance Storm
<Storm Storm stands there for a moment until the applause dies down>
Storm: If I could be serious for a moment
<huge applause, Storm waits again, growing a bit impatient> I
f I may continue. I really can’t see how you can give an award for this since this is something completely breaking kayfabe. You are admitting that there are predetermined storylines! This is what is wrong with wrestling! There is nothing secret anymore! I blame each and every one of you for RUINING what I hold so dear! I should write a blog about this, and condemn each and every one of WHUMP!
<Kayfabe stands behind Storm with the baseball bat while he slowly slumps to the floor. Kayfabe then takes the bat ant points to the ceiling for the Voice to read the nominees>
Voice: The nominees for Angle of the Year are: Team Rick Goes to Jail, and Firewoman’s Baby Daddy Drama
<we come back and Kayfabe points the bat at Rick. Rick walks over and opens the envelope and reads the winner>
GMtR: The winner of Angle of the Year goes to…….Team Rick Goes to Jail!
<Round of applause from the whole crowd>
GMtR: Since that was really a cumulative effort, everyone stand up and take a bow. I guess you all get awards or something.
<Kayfabe drags Lance Storm off the stage as GM the Rick watches>
GMtR: There is no way we are getting anyone to do this show next year, hope all of you are happy! Ok continuing with this, I need to watch the Yankees….oh wait, they are eliminated, and the Reds are shit. Damn I need to be more like LeBron. There, I have always liked the Rays. Ok let’s hurry this up I need to watch the Rays play…….well whoever it is they are playing. Our next award is for breakthrough star of the year. This is for the wrestler who has joined the OOWF in the last year and has had the greatest impact on the fed. As is our custom in the OOWF, a custom that was started right now, the past winners will announce this year’s winner, so let me introduce , Voltage, The Halfrican Americans: Nayr and Fly, Firechild and Capellan <silence> Wait, not a single one of them is in the OOWF anymore? What the hell is that? Every single one of them is GONE? Didn’t someone LOOK this up before we came out here? Oh fer chrissakes! Get someone out here to read this!
<there a commotion while someone searches for someone in the back to come out, finally
Curt “The Golden God” Schilling comes out and steps to the podium to a nice round of applause, especially from Moosehead Jack>
Schilling: Thank you. I am not usually one to talk, but if you could just give me a minute I would like to give you my views on the OOWF. You see when I was first coming up in the OOWF, Arn Anderson pulled me aside and told me the right way to do things, and that saved my career here. I have always done things the right way. There are some people, Manny Ramirez and Chris Cole come to mind immediately, that don’t like to do things my way, or the right way. Now, there are ways to correct these problems, and I will elaborate on them. I have twenty-seven points to make, not coincidentally that is the number of outs in a game. Let me start by….
GMtR: Start by announcing the nominees Schilling!
Schilling: Oh. Well, ok. I will elaborate further on my twenty-seven points to perfection further, it will be on my blog at 38pitches.com/ anyway, the nominees for Breakthrough Performer of the year are:
Voice: The nominees for Breakthrough Performer of the Year are: Firewoman and DH Magnusson
Schilling: Before I open the envelope, I have a few comments about Kobe Bryant. You see Kobe, a true leader does not yell at his teammates on the field or the court, he blogs about them later. Now you see when I…….
GMtR: GET ON WITH IT SCHILLING!
Schilling: Oh, ok. The winner is………Firewoman!
<The crowd claps, even Alexander Darling, even though you can see he is clearly not into it. Fire makes her way to the stage and pauses by DH Magnusson’s chair, she puts her hand on his shoulder for a moment, and after a few seconds he looks up at her and nods. Fire smiles and heads to the stage>
Firewoman: When I got the call to come to OOWF, I was surprised and thrilled. A company that respects athletic talent and wrestling, that doesn’t care if you’re a woman or a man. A company that refuses to conform to the mainstream feds with their diva searches and pretty pretty princess belts. Well, most of the company. Some people would rather minimize my talent and skill, but we see what happens to them, right Alan? And now this company has chosen me, out a truly amazing field of rookies to win this award. Anyway, I had to make the decision really quickly, go to the OOWF or stay where I was. I packed up and left immediately and I’m so glad I did. I want to thank Rick for giving me the chance, all of my colleagues in Run-DEA, and especially everyone I’ve beaten for making me look so good. This award? This totally sparkles with me.
GMtR: Ok then, I think we can finally see the home stretch here,
thank god. Ok our next award is one that Vince McMahon will never give out in his life. This award is for Tag Team of the Year. For SOME people *cough*Vince*cough* tag teams are something that are thrown together when two people have nothing better to do, who inevitably become fodder for your world champion to beat in a HANDICAP MATCH! What makes it worse is, it’s a champion who is WORTHLESS! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? That is the dumbest thing I have ever seen! You have a tag team that you are trying to get across as a legitimate threat, and you have them either lose to your world champion, or some makeshift tag team! That is complete and utter bullshit! Look, I know how things are supposed to be! I have been doing this for years! And if you disagree with me? You are an idiot! That’s right I said it, I……
<GM the Rick suddenly stops when he realizes everyone is staring at him because of his sudden rant.>
GMtR: Umm, yes. Like I was saying, our next award is for tag team of the year, here to present the award for Tag Team of the Year are…….. THE ROAD WARRIORS – Animal and Paul Ellering
<Iron Man plays and the OOWF crowd erupts and Animal and Paul Ellering come out and stand behind the podium. The applause goes on for a long time, and they both get standing ovations. Finally the crowd gets quiet and Animal speaks>
Animal: First, thank you so much for the nice ovation. The reaction the Road Warriors get let me know that our spot in wrestling history is cemented. <huge pop> Thank you, thank you, but none of that could have happened without the people. <another pop> Now, that said……ALL YOU TAG TEAMS ARE NOTHING BUT ROAD WARRIORS WANNABES. WE COME FROM THE MEAN STREETS OF CHICAGO, AND THERE AIN’T ANY TWO MEN ON THIS PLANET BADDER THAN THE ROAD WARRIORS. Tell ‘em Paul <slap to the chest>
WELLLLLLLLLLLLL <POP!> The Road Warriors snack on danger, and dine on death. When we come through town, there ain’t nothin’ left but broken homes and dead bodies. Dead men feel no pain, and dead men tell no tails. Just how we like it.
<another standing ovation from the OOWF crowd>.
Ellering: Now, all that said, it is time for another team to take the first step toward wrestling immortality. The nominees for OOWF Tag Team of the Year are……
Voice: The Nominees for OOWF Tag Team of the Year are, The Midnight Sons – DH Magnusson and Spin Hansen, and Phantos and Lucios.
Animal: And the winners are……….Phantos and Lucios!
<Phantos and Lucios get to their feet amid a nice round of applause. They get manly hugs of mutual respect from their DEA teammates and congratulations from the rest of Team Rick. They make their way to the podium and exchange handshakes with Animal and Ellering>
Lucios: You know, we call ourselves the division killers, and the measuring stick of the OOWF, and I stand by that. But these two <pointing to Ellering and Animal> and Hawk….
Phantos: Rest in peace my friend
Lucios…..they set the bar awful damn high. You know, growing up in Texas, we saw our fair share of the Freebirds and what they did the Von Erich’s, so it always made us smile when we would read about what Hawk and Animal did to the Birds when they ventured out of Texas.
Phantos: We would also like to say, that it is an honor to win this award, especially since the competition is two men we went to war with repeatedly, and even though it may not be cool to say it, two men we respect the heck out of in Spin and DH.
Lucios: Now, all that said, you can be assured of one thing. Next year, at these awards, we will be right back up here behind this podium accepting tag team of the year again because there is not a team in the OOWF, now, or ever, that can hang with Phantos and Lucios.
<Phantos and Lucios take their awards and leave the stage>
GMtR: Hey how bout that, we made it through a whole segment without having to carry anyone away. Miracles DO happen! Ok our next award, and let’s keep things moving before someone else gets beaten, or before the authorities come and break this up. Our next award is Heel of the Year. Some people discount heels saying it is too easy to play the role of a heel, but really, without heels could there be faces? Without good can there be evil? Without……awwww Christ, now I sound like Crete and Moose. Dammit. Ok, whatever. Here to present heel of the year is. For my money, one of the best heels we have seen in the last twenty years. His run as the top heel may not have lasted all that long, but while he was on top, there was probably no hotter heel in the business. Ladies and Gentlemen, “The Franchise” Shane Douglas!
<Shane’s ECW theme plays and he comes out to the podium. The crowd gives him a nice ovation, and he laughs at them>
Douglas: Save it. I don’t need your applause. You know what this fed needs? It needs to be FRANCHISED! HAHAHAHA. Seriously, when I threw down the NWA title, I MADE ECW what it was. Without me, ECW would have stayed some piss-poor Philly indy fed with Johnny Hot Body and Tommy Cairo as their big draws. I MADE ECW what it was. And if you are lucky, I can do that for the OOWF too. Whoever the champion here is, face it, he can’t hang with THE FRANCHISE!
<LD Williams stands up and heads to the stage, and is restrained by Moose and Eric>
Douglas: Oh so YOU are the jabroni who is the champion here? Come on up here! I took Pitbull and BROKE HIS NECK, you think you can be any more of a challenge? Come on up here I will….
<Douglas’ mic is cut and we get a voice over announcing the nominees>
Voice: The nominees for Heel of the year are: <the camera quickly pans around the room and we see a pouting Alexander Darling holding an icepack to his head> Moosehead Jack and Eric O’Mac
Douglas: Oh I see how it is. Let me guess there is some sort of cliq here holding me down too huh? Fine I will read your award. The winner of Heel of the Year is…….Eric O’Mac
<Eric gets to his feet with a strange look in his eyes and heads to the stage. He gets there and accepts the award from Douglas, then Douglas goes to the edge of the stage and argues with Williams some more. From under the podium, Eric pulls out the sledge hammer! Eric grabs Douglas and BLASTS him between the eyes with the sledgehammer! Douglas falls off the stage and crashes through the Cape Town Cannibals table! Eric stands on the stage with the sledgehammer in one hand, his and the award in the other, looks at a barely conscious Douglas…….HA! Eric walks back to his seat like nothing happened as the stage hands come out and scrape Douglas up and carry him to the back.>
GMtR: Ok, well he DID kind of deserve that. That will teach you to stay in character and show up our guys. Douchebag. Ok the next award should be pretty obvious, we just did Heel of the Year, so naturally the next award would be Face of the Year. Again, without one, you really can’t have the other. The face is the wrestler who, for the most part, is the backbone of the company. You generally look to have strong faces to play the foil to the heel.
<kayfabe is seen becoming clearly agitated>
Oh, yeah ok, fine. Here to present the award for Face of the Year is one of the faciest faces to ever face in a wrestling fed, to my knowledge he didn’t spend one moment of his career as a heel, ladies and gentlemen…….Kevin Von Erich!
<Stranglehold plays and Kevin Von Erich walks out on the stage. The OOWF contingent give Kevin a standing ovation. Kevin stands there and soaks in the cheers for a moment, then asks the crowd to settle down a bit. When it finally gets quiet, Kevin speaks>
Von Erich: I appreciate your cheers, thank you very much. You know, I have watched the OOWF for years, growing up in wrestling like I did, and seeing World Class grow from a regional promotion to a worldwide promotion as it did, I can appreciate what has happened here, you guys deserve all the accolades you get, what you have accomplished here is really remarkable. <cheers> My whole career I was fortunate enough to work as a face……well, perhaps work is the wrong word for it. I never had to work at it. They say the best gimmick a wrestler can have is one that most closely mirrors his personality. When I was out there in front of the crowd, whether it was a tiny armory in some small Texas town, or Texas Stadium in front of forty-thousand people, what you saw out there was what I was, I always appreciated the crowd, I always appreciated the people. <more applause> It is clear to me, from watching this federation grow through the years, that some of the faces here feel the same way. So tonight, it is my honor to present the OOWF Face of the Year Award.
Voice: The nominees for Face of the Year are: Phantos & Lucios and Concrete TG
Von Erich: Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner is……….this seems fitting…….ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie!
<Phantos and Lucios and Concrete TG get to their feet and head to the stage. Phantos and Lucios get the manly hugs of mutual respect from the fellow DEA members and the rest of Team Rick. Crete gets congratulations from MOST of Team Rick, but certainly not all. They get to the stage and Phantos and Lucios give Von Erich hugs of great admiration and respect, Crete shakes Kevin’s hand. The tag champs defer to Crete first>
Crete: I am really not sure what to say. I have been here, for the most part, since day one, I have tried to do things the right way, despite Moose’s best efforts. Winning this……well winning this really kind of validates that what I have been trying to do all these years is the right thing. Thank you very much.
Phantos: It is an honor to win this, and it is an even bigger honor having this presented to us by Kevin Von Erich. We grew up watching Kevin and his brothers, and we hurt and cried with Kevin as tragedy befell his family time after time. I know I believe that if I can have a career half as good as this man, I know I will leave this business as one of the all-time greats
Lucios: I have to agree with my partner here. We came to the OOWF just over a year ago and we set out to dominate. We bid our time and did and said the right things, and that pushed us up the card to our rightful position. We stayed here through thick and thin……unlike some people <Phantos shoots Lucios a look after the shot at Crete> and we will stay here, doing what it takes to keep these titles <added almost as an afterthought> and keep the people happy, by giving them the best darn tag team in OOWF history! <applause>
GMtR: Touching. Moving. Really. Now get off the stage. We have finally come to the last award, and I feel that this may be the most important award of all the OOWF awards. It’s now time for the Wrestler of the Year award. Now, unlike the other awards, which are open to the public, the Wrestler of the Year award is one that is voted on by your peers, in my eyes, making this special. Wrestlers are a funny breed, no one likes to give anyone else credit, but it takes two to make magic in that ring. There really is no definition of greatness that I can put into words, it is just something that you know when you see it. The boys in the back are no different. They may not be able to define what great is, but they know it when they see it, and in this case, they vote on who they believe was the best for the year. So without further delay, let’s get the nominees for Wrestler of the Year.
Voice: The nominees for Wrestler of the Year are: Davin Moreland, and Stank
GMtR: And the winner is…..<Rick slowly opens the envelope allowing the tension to build> ……the winner, and 2008 Wrestler of the Year is…..for the second year in a row……….Stank!
<The OOWF wrestlers give Stank a standing ovation as he makes his way to the podium. Stank stands there, clearly moved by the ovation, finally he speaks>
Stank: Wow. I really don’t know what to say. When I won this last year, it was the crowning achievement of my career. A tag team wrestler that went on to not only have a successful solo run, but earn the accolades of his peers……that was really something special. To win this for the second time…….I am really at a loss for words here. Clearly this is not something I could win on my own, I have to thank LD for his string of fantastic matches while he was chasing the titles. I have to thank each and every one of you who have given me material to work with for promos. I have to thank management for having the faith to put me in matches where I am free to tell a story, and help push things along. So, to everyone, really, thank you.
<Stank gets another standing ovation from the crowd and as he makes his way back to the table, he gets handshakes and slaps on the back from everyone in the audience. Crete walks up to Stank and puts his hand out, Stank is reluctant for a second, then shakes Crete’s hand. Davin comes up and the two men exchange a brief look, then Davin gives the manly hug of mutual respect. The crowd begins to rise and file toward the exit when GM the Rick gets on the mic one more time>
GMtR: Ok asshats, settle down…ok…Goddammit Bunny sit the FUCK down before I send Darling after you…ok, great…ok. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a multitude of awards to give away at this awards show every year, but this year I, GM the Rick, have decided to institute a new award. This is a career achievement award; and one that will transcend like and dislike, heel and face, Rick and Bennett, Jerl and Unjerl, American and Canuckian. This award is called the “Grand Slam Trophy”, and it is given to those who have won the Tag Team, Onslaught, Intercontinental and World Heavyweight Titles throughout the course of their career. When someone accomplishes this feat, their name will be emblazoned on this fine trophy here; an artist’s rendering of the Dayton, Ohio skyline. Isn’t it breathtaking?
*Lots of murmurs in the crowd because it pretty much looks like a Concrete Slab on a Pole. Hey, that gives me an idea for a stips match…*
GMtR: The winner will possess the trophy until the next person achieves the Grand Slam threshold, at which time the possessor of the trophy will personally present the trophy to the most recent winner. This is an award which should be recognized with the highest honor, across party lines if you will – because it represents long-term excellence here in the OOWF and isn’t very easy to do. So with that said, let me introduce to you the very first winner of the OOWF Grand Slam Trophy, Moosehead Jack.
<The crowd claps politely at first, but when they see Concrete TG and Alexander Darling stand and vigorously applaud, everyone stands up and offers their heartfelt appreciation in a standing ovation. Moose looks around somewhat surprised, and LD and Eric urge him on, and he makes his way up to the podium. After several minutes, the ovation dies down and Moose speaks>
Moose: Wow. I….uh….I had no idea they were doing this. <Moose pauses for a moment to collect his thoughts.> You know, winning every title was never something I set out to do. In earlier promos, I always said that winning titles wasn’t a main goal of mine, it was causing havoc and mayhem. That is something I really believe in. There are some wrestlers that don’t NEED titles, which is not to devalue the belts in the least, it’s just that they make better foils for those chasing the titles. That’s how I always pictured myself, as someone that was there to prevent someone else from winning a title, never winning them on my own. And yet somehow, here I stand, the first Grand Slam champion. There really is only one thing to say, and that is thank you. Thank you to each and every one of you. This is an honor I never expected, and one that I put as the greatest of my career. Thank you all.
<Moose head back to the table with the trophy, still somewhat in disbelief>
GMtR: Ok folks, that does it for us. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Until the 2009 Awards, have a good night!
***OOC***
Ok this is the part where I thank all of you. Thank you for all the time you spend writing matches, writing promos and sending me ideas to help keep this monster moving along. I say this every year, so I know it sounds like I am just repeating myself, but without you, none of this would be possible. There is no way I would have had the time or energy to keep this going for all this time on my own. So again, to everyone, thank you.
And to Ecosystem, I hope you are reading this during your down time of being the BMOC. If you are, first off, congratulations on the college, you are going to rock that school and when you leave, it will never be the same. Second, thank you. Thank you for creating this, and thank you for letting me take over. It has been a lot of work, but it has become something I really enjoy that allows me to be creative. If you think about it, we have created a four year long story with contributions from nearly 100 people. That, to me, is something special, and we all have you to thank for it.
Past Winners[/u]
Catchphrase of the Year
2008- HA! – Eric O’Mac
2007 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2006 - Shut the Fuck Up Johnny – FF Capslock
2005 - Trust Me – Moosehead Jack
Gimmick of the Year
2008 – Rabbxt Becomes Bunny
2007 – “Cowboy” Johnny Adrenaline
2006 – The New Original Classic New Blackjacks 2000
2005 – Donovan Viper
Finisher of the Year
2008 – A Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland
2007 – (tie)A Really Good Diamond Cutter – Davin Moreland & Intentional Disqualification – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – Call of the Wild – The Team From Down Under
2005 – The Chomp – GatorBait
Promo of the Year
2008 – A History of The Chickenshit Heels
2007 – Drink & Destroy Genealogy Promo
2006 – OOWF Airplane Ride From Hell
2005 – Donovan Viper’s Promo Before Dance of Death
Breakthrough Star of the Year
2008 - Firewoman
2007 – Voltage
2006 – The Halfrican Americans
2005 – (tie) Firechild & Capellan
Face of the Year
2008 – (tie) Concrete TG and Phantos & Lucios
2007 – Firechild
2006 – Capellan
2005 – Hardbody Harris
Heel of the Year
2008 – Eric O’Mac
2007 – Stank
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – Donovan Viper
Tag Team of the Year
2008 – Phantos & Lucios
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels
2005 – 3Piece Set
Angle of the Year
2008 – Team Rick Goes to Jail
2007 – (tie) DDT Iron Man Heavy Metal Championship & Drink & Destroy vs. The Heroes Guild
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Feud of the Year
2008 – Moosehead Jack vs. Alexander Darling
2007 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy
2005 – Moosehead Jack vs. Concrete TG
Match of the Year
2008 – OOWF Jobber Gauntlet
2007 - The Chickenshit Heels vs. Drink & Destroy – Unsanctioned Match
2006 – The Chickenshit Heels vs. The Devil’s Brigade vs. wCw – Bamboo Scaffold Match
2005 – Canadian Dragon vs. UnderDawg – Ultimate Hell
Wrestler of the Year
2008 - Stank
2007 – Stank
2006 – Thim Reynolds
2005 – Donovan Viper
NPC (Non-Player Character) of the Year
2008 – (tie) Carl From Fresno & Alexis Darling
2007 – No Award Given
2006 – Missy
2005 – Ric Flair
