[Ryan]

Me and a couple friends just went out to the local sketchy Pizza Nova. Inside were two people: a man in a blue shirt and hat calmly eating his slice, and a man in a white shirt and multicoloured toque wearing iPod earphones, though only one earphone was in an ear. Later I realised there was probably no iPod attached (didn't think to look). This guy kept yelling threatening comments at "blue shirt" as he referred to him. They included things along the lines of:

-I'm gonna fucking murder you. I'm gonna slit your throat.
-I'm gonna punch you in the face.
-I am with the police. I'm gonna investigate you.
-Do you want to be investigated? Do you? I really want to know.
-"When they investigate me, they also investigate you." (Direct quote.)
-I'm gonna kill you once you step outside.

The guy in the blue shirt ignored him, so he went over to the guy, draped his arm around him and threatened him some more. At this point, he allegedly (I didn't see this) swung on him point-blank twice and missed both times before shoving him off of his seat and into the nearby wall. Blue shirt yelled at him and the two were about to go at it before the store owner (a small, thin Asian man) got involved. He first put himself between the two and told all of us to get against the counter. Then he continuously shoved the guy until he had gotten him out of the store. Outside they talked for a bit, after which the crazy guy walked away and the store owner apologized to all of us. Blue shirted guy laughed it off, I'll admit I was a bit jumpy afterwards. This was my first encounter with a crazy person who wasn't just muttering to himself, so it left an impression.

[Matte]

Pizza joints are always the ideal place for people to start a fight.

[The Jewish Cunthead]

Shit... and I thought Sal had it rough when he asked Radio Raheem to lower his boombox.

[Beer Baron]

Shit, that's a good one. Bums/crazy people(usually go hand in hand) are an scary species sometimes. I used to work adjacent to the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica, CA. For the people who have never been to Santa Monica, it's basically the bum capital of West Los Angeles. The epicenter being the 3rd Street Promenade, which is a huge 4 block up and down of stores/bars/food places. I used to work for a cigar company and had nightly run ins with bums of all kinds. I had the guy who used to come in, a skinny black guy who looked like some crazy crack head and would always ask for packs of matches. This guy used to come in wearing something different and crazy every time. After the first 10 times of him asking for matches, I told him to have a good night, to which he replied, "Just workin on tha cheese!"

Or the dude who came in bought a pack of smokes, spoke normal for a minute or two that he had a job somewhere and got fired. Tough time right? Wrong, then he starts going into that he went to a party at Christina Aguilera's house. Not just that, but that "everyone was wearing gold shirts, made out of gold, and that they were driving cars made out of gold. They build those on the moon."(direct words)

However, I leave you with one of the greatest bum stories that I know of. This is great because it not only chronicles "bum-speak", but this story possibly spans over the course of 4-5 years. I first start you off in the year 2000. While in college, one of my roommates comes back into the apartment and proceeds to tell me about his architecture class. They went on a field trip to Skid Row, in downtown Los Angeles to view the very old buildings. Living up to it's name of Skid Row, the performance begins. As the teacher is speaking about the buildings, my roommate notices two bums within ear shot. One of them then tells the class that:

"If you smoke weed, make sure you do it in the Land called Honah Lee!"(yes, as in Puff the Magic Dragon's Honah Lee)

and then proclaimed to the entire street,

"I AM THE BODA-CHRIST!!!!"

and then reached over to his buddy and put his dirty arm on a dirty shoulder and said, "You're a good man, I love you face, I love your face, I love your face..."(I think he said it 4 or more times)

My friend said that he could barely hold in the laughter, and hence forth that bum's name was christened "Boda-Christ."

Flash forward to possibly 2004. My younger sister went to my same college, knew of the story, and took a class that went to Skid Row. She called me later that day and said, "I think I saw Boda-Christ!" She went on to say, during the class lecture outside, she heard a guy saying to another bum:

"Wanna punch me in the face? Wanna punch me in the face? Come on! Punch me in the face!" and then started cackling and hugging his friends.

Coincidence? I think not...but the mighty Boda-Christ has not been seen since. He roams the Wasteland. You will not find him, he finds you.

[Batman]

That story reminds me of the "thanks a lot!" guy.

I don't know if this dude's actually a bum, necessarily, but... let's just call him a colorful fixture of Downtown Minneapolis.

He has long, shaggy hair and a beard, and clunky M.A. glasses, and wears tie-dye. He has a brace on one knee and uses this giant rough-hewn stick as a crutch.

And he's just a huge guy, and I'm not someone to notice a guy as being big as I'm pretty big. So he must be like seven feet tall.

So we had seen this guy around downtown, and one day my wife and I are walking and we see him a half a block away, and his bus starts to blow him off, and he shouts "THANKS A LOT!" at the top of his lungs. So the bus stops after all, and he gets on which I imagine was kind of awkward all 'round.

So ever since then, he's been the "the Thanks-a-Lot guy," at least to my wife and me. As in "Guess who I saw today! The thanks-a-lot guy!"

[punk/core]

Jan 10, 2009 1:24:22 GMT -5 Beer Baron said:

"I AM THE BODA-CHRIST!!!!"

I had an experience kinda like that. About four years ago I was at my buddy's place in Lake Elsinore, and we wanted to get some food from this Mexican place-- awesome place. It was just a stand about the size a normal fast food joint in the middle of a park downtown. Anyway, we walk up and there are two people already at the window-- a man and a woman. They didn't strike me as homeless or anything... they were dressed normally and looked clean. The guy is talking to the lady working the stand, and I can't quite hear what was said, but apparently they were out of whatever it was he wanted to order. He's progressively getting more and more mad, and finally takes a step back from the order window, and loudly shouts:

"Do you know?! Do you know?! LUCIFER! I'M A JEDI!"

And then he just walked away.

[Pun]

I think you are all missing the point here. What does an Asian know about making good pizza?

[Ryan]

Actually the pizza sucks but it's across the street from the building I live in. And it's cheap.

[Beer Baron]

Jan 10, 2009 2:17:30 GMT -5 punk/core said:

"Do you know?! Do you know?! LUCIFER! I'M A JEDI!"

Classic. When you hear rarefied authentic bum-jibberish like that, you can't help but be shocked, humored, and intrigued all in one instance. Now, growing up in Los Angeles, going to high school and college near downtown, I have had my fair share. A couple of years ago I went to a Fatburger near downtown(koreatown for LA people) with the girl I was dating at the time. It was a little late, but we decided to go inside to get the food cause the drive through line was long. Interesting decision. There's one other person in the shop, an older black man. We order, sit down and start talking. He doesn't say anything until he walks past us, turns around, looks me square in the eye and says, "You, you're Pretty Boy Floyd! Marry your girlfriend right now, I'll be your best man! hahaha!!!" Then he proceeded to walk out and be one with the city.

While working in the aforementioned Cigar Shop, I used to have another crazy black guy walk in and ask for free matches(which I think is the worst thing to allow crazy people to have, but then again, it wasn't my store). He'd ask politely for matches and when he got them, he would say, "I love you!" and walk out. The first couple of times I didn't say anything. However, when I knew the "I Love You" Guy was walking in, I'd prep. One of the last times I saw him, he came in, asked for the matches, said I love you, to which I replied, "No, I love you." He shoots back, "I love you." Me, "But I love you!" He stopped, gave a look like he was processing this whole thing, turned around to walk out the door, and then gave his final "I love you!" The things I'll do to amuse myself.

The store was next to an alley, and there's a Bus bench right in front of the store. One day, I ran my trash out to the alley dumpster, and there's a few people waiting for the bus. As I was walking back into the store, there's a guy on my left leaning against the building who proclaims to the block, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, WE MADE IT THROUGH THE WILDERNESS!" I continued to walk into the shop.

[Demko]

Jan 10, 2009 7:27:45 GMT -5 Pun said:

I think you are all missing the point here. What does an Asian know about making good pizza?

Fuck that noise. Some of the best pizza I've ever had was from a Chinese pizza joint in LONDON! The pizza had corn and chicken on it, but it was the best fucking pizza I've ever tasted in my lifetime. Sometimes I think I might fly back to London just to have that pizza again. It's THAT worth it.

[Lucky]

Some of the best pizza I've ever had was from a Chinese pizza joint in LONDON! The pizza had corn and chicken on it

You know... its statements like that which make me hate you.

Am I the only one who found the first post really cute? Like I let out an "Awwwww." when I first read it. I just thought it was so sweet and innocent. "I saw my first whacked out and potentially violent bum! I was rattled!" Its like something I want to tell people about like a child saying his first curse word.

Or whatever the hell people who like kids think are cute.

[Ryan]

What, you wouldn't be rattled by a violent crazy hobo threatening everyone near him? I guess you're just a hardened veteran and have seen a million in your time.

Also it just made me jumpy, it didn't give me nightmares or anything.

[Demko]

Jan 11, 2009 14:26:28 GMT -5 Lucky said:

Some of the best pizza I've ever had was from a Chinese pizza joint in LONDON! The pizza had corn and chicken on it

You know... its statements like that which make me hate you.

Which portion of that statement brought the hate? I'm confused how an innocent statement like that could cause anyone to hate me.

[Pun]

Jan 11, 2009 22:09:11 GMT -5 Demko said:

Jan 11, 2009 14:26:28 GMT -5 Lucky said:

You know... its statements like that which make me hate you.

Which portion of that statement brought the hate? I'm confused how an innocent statement like that could cause anyone to hate me.

You're trying to use logic to understand Lucky. There's your problem right there.

[The Jewish Cunthead]

Corn and chicken on pizza? No thanks.

[Beer Baron]

One of the best burgers I've had in my lifetime came from the Chinese food place, The House of Lee, in my town. Sadly, the owners retired, probably opening up a cleaners, and sold their property. Even though a douchie-sushi(of the trendy sushi places that no hardcore asian would ever step foot into) place opened up on the property, and they kept the burger on the menu.

[Demko]

Jan 11, 2009 22:21:27 GMT -5 The Jewish Cunthead said:

Corn and chicken on pizza? No thanks.

That's exactly what I thought... disgusting... but my ex-wife ordered for us... I trusted her. I tasted it, and it was seriously the most delicious pizza I've ever tasted.

[Lucky]

Jan 11, 2009 22:21:27 GMT -5 The Jewish Cunthead said:

Corn and chicken on pizza? No thanks.

See, he understands.

[Outback Frito Pendejo]

I used to live very close to a homeless shelter in NYC. Bums, junkies, and squeegee guys were part of the daily routine.

One block had a plaza in front of some storefronts where the bums used to hang out at night. An Italian restaurant moved in, and stationed a big, scary-looking guy at the door. Problem solved.

[Lucky]

Yeah, that's all I meant. Crazy bums and junkies are kind of standard in cities like this. I'm not suggesting I'm some bad ass or anything. And the first time I was confronted by one of them I was probably pretty spooked. Probably more than the first time. But I've seen so many of them over the years that it feels kind of common place and I just thought it was "innocent" to see someone react to it like a first time.

No offense intended.

[Tommy]

Jan 11, 2009 14:32:45 GMT -5 Ryan said:

What, you wouldn't be rattled by a violent crazy hobo threatening everyone near him? I guess you're just a hardened veteran and have seen a million in your time.

Also it just made me jumpy, it didn't give me nightmares or anything.

A) I've lived in cities for a while now. I'd probably strike up a conversation with him for my own amusement. That's mean but it makes me laugh.

B) I've been in looney bins. You should see the ones they don't let out.

This guy sounded like a hoot.

[Batman]

Jan 12, 2009 16:31:52 GMT -5 Lucky said:

No offense intended.

Oh, come on. So Ryan comes across as a little bit of a pussy. No need to sugar-coat it for him. He just does.

[Lucky]

I'm trying to be nice.

Yeah, the last one I encountered my buddy just played along with him. He too had been implanted with the chip by the alien government. He'd take up arms against but he's pretty sure he's wrong and the White Castle employee is NOT working for them.

You want spooked, try being on the subway with a violent guy threatening you directly and smelling vaguely of poop. Nowhere to go, you know. That's when you get off the car when its not your stop, jog down a couple of cars, and get back on.

[salmonjunkie]

Jan 11, 2009 14:32:45 GMT -5 Ryan said:

What, you wouldn't be rattled by a violent crazy hobo threatening everyone near him? I guess you're just a hardened veteran and have seen a million in your time.

If you live in or by a major metropolitan city in the US, then yeah, you'll see a million in your time, easy. I've seen them every day in front of my office buildings in LA and Seattle for the last 8 years.

Gotta love crack and schizophrenia.

[punk/core]

Jan 13, 2009 2:47:45 GMT -5 salmonjunkie said:

Jan 11, 2009 14:32:45 GMT -5 Ryan said:

What, you wouldn't be rattled by a violent crazy hobo threatening everyone near him? I guess you're just a hardened veteran and have seen a million in your time.

If you live in or by a major metropolitan city in the US, then yeah, you'll see a million in your time, easy. I've seen them every day in front of my office buildings in LA and Seattle for the last 8 years.

Gotta love crack and schizophrenia.

No kidding... walk down the street in any major city sometime... after about a week it won't be a big deal anymore.