[Attitude Adjuster]

PRESS RELEASE

June 7, 2009—San Francisco, CA

Professional wrestling has seen SuperCards and Wrestlemania, but never before has it seen an event like they’ll see this summer at the Cow Palace in San Francisco.

Plunder at the Palace is a day-long, two-tournament, $2 million event featuring some of the top wrestlers in professional wrestling history, all in their prime. Thanks to a yet unknown benefactor, Plunder at the Palace has purchased the Prime-A-Tron 4000, which allows anyone to enter the machine and exit in their physical prime. There are no know side effects, but then again the Prime-A-Tron 4000 has so far only been tested on chimpanzees and Randy Orton. Tests on Orton after exiting the Prime-A-Tron 4000 showed the mental capacity equal to the chimpanzees, but scientists forgot to test Orton before entering the machine so we think he might haave been that way all the time.

Plunder at the Palace features a 16-man singles tournament and an 8-team tag tournament each has a winner-take-all $1 million prize. For those who can’t be at the Cow Palace, the event will be streamed live on the Internet for free. So take that, WWE and your monthly lame $50 Pay-Per-Views.

The first round of both tournaments takes place in the morning. Following those 12 matches, Plunder at the Palace features Fan-For-All, where fans can buy and trade memorabilia and meet wrestlers from throughout history. All remaining matches begin at 6:05 p.m. in honor of World Championship Wrestling on WTBS.

Wrestlers signed to compete at Plunder at the Palace include Magnum TA, Chris Benoit, Bruiser Brody and Road Warrior Hawk. More wrestlers will be announced in the near future.

[Attitude Adjuster]

Jim Cornette stands in front a Plunder at the Palace banner. He's apparently cutting the first promo for the $2 million, 2-tournament extravaganza.

JC: I can’t believe this! They expect me to cut the first promo for this event and they didn’t even mention me or the greatest tag team in the history of wrestling, the Midnight Express. It’s like I have to do everything around here myself. So then, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you the men women love and men love to hate, twin brothers of different mothers and my Mama’s favorite tag team, the Midnight Express!



JC: What the hell! We had to pull this music down from some German television station? And these guys expect us to wrestle for $1 million? Believe me, I’m checking into your finances, Plow Boy Pete!

While Cornette’s complaining, he doesn’t see Dennis Condrey walk out next to him. Suddenly Jim turns, sees Condrey and stops with his mouth agape. Dennis smiles and puts his arm around Cornette.

JC: Don’t touch me! Where’s Stan? I thought I got rid of you years ago. Damn it, the Midnight Express is wrestling for $1 million, and for that I want the best Midnight Express.

DC: Sorry, Jimmy, but Stan’s already booked. They called me instead.

JC: Who called you? I didn’t authorize this! I’m calling my attorneys right now. I’ll get Stan out of that contract faster than Tony Schiovane can claim we’re out of time.

DC: Actually, I was told you did authorize it. Your attorneys told me they were getting the Midnight Express back together.

JC: But not you! I dumped you! I never wanted anything to do with you ever again. Especially after what you and that other idiot did to me.



DC: You really need to be careful who you’re calling an idiot, Jimmy.

JC: What, Randy Rose is a nobody! A nothing! Hell, you carried him and you couldn’t carry a doughnut without dropping it in a cup of fertilizer! Now let’s go find Bobby and get started with our training.

DC: That’s just it. We couldn’t reach Bobby. We called his home, but when the phone picked up no one said anything.

JC: You dung-flipping monkey, that was Bobby! Bobby doesn’t talk, remember! I’d always call him, wait for the phone to pick up, then tell him where to be. Geez, I have to do everything myself? Hand me a phone!

DC: Too late. We’ve already made the decision. For the 174th pick, I present to you the recreation of the Original Midnight Express, Dennis Condrey and RANDY ROSE!



Randy Rose comes from behind the curtain and puts his arm around Cornette’s shoulder.

JC: There has to be easy ways to make $1 million.

[Mr. Dashbee]

Great job with the Cornette promo.

[Attitude Adjuster]

Crystal “IsPretty” Louthan has a mic, standing in front of the Plunder at the Palace banner. It’s Old School interview time.

C “IP” L: Welcome everyone to the first official interview for Plunder at the Palace. First, I want to thank Plunder’s board of directors for hiring me to be the Official Interviewer for the $2 Million Plunder at the Palace Tournament. With me today is a very special guest, the financier of Plunder at the Palace!

(A masked man in a business suit walks onto the set.)

MMIABS: Thank you, Crystal, and I’m very happy to have you with us as the Official Interviewer of the $2 Million Plunder at the Palace Tournament (cheap pop!). I admired your interviewing style during your brief stint with TNA, and I think they were absolute idiots to get rid of you. Especially since almost immediately afterwards they created a forum for Karen Angle, in which she claimed to ask tough questions but more often DIDN’T EVEN ASK A QUESTION! You, Crystal, were not afraid to ask tough questions, and I expect the same of you when you interview the illustrious talent we’re working on signing for this tournament.

C “IP” L: Thank you. But I have to ask, why the mask? You’re supposedly financing a $2 million tournament, and we don’t even know who you are.

MMIABS: Very observant. But since I’ve yet to be drafted, I can’t reveal myself.

C “IP” L: Aren’t you breaking kayfabe by saying that?

MMIABS: Have you looked who our writer is? Breaking kayfabe is the least I’m worried about. I’m more scared of fake pregnancy tests, parking garage brawls, out-of-control airplane flights, championship committee seats filled via questionable tag team matches and various items on a pole matches. In fact, right now I’m making a decree that be no matches in which a pole is involved!

AA (from somewhere behind the curtain): DAMN IT!

C “IP” L: How do we know we can trust that the person I’m talking to today is actually the financier of this event? After all, even the WCW writers didn’t know who the Black Scorpion would be, and then it ended up being a big letdown when it was only Ric Flair.

MMIABS: What do you take me for? A rookie! You’re talking about Ole Anderson there! One of the worst bookers ever! I guarantee that will NEVER! EVER! happen here.

C “IP” L: Wait! Are you Chris Jericho?

MMIABS: No. I just ripped off one of his catchphrases. I do that at times to throw people off. But let’s get to what I came out here for. I have two major announcements to make. First, as you know there are a number of promoters contacting wrestlers for events on the same day as Plunder at the Palace. We’re in heated contract negotiations with some big names, and plan to make some announcements soon. But I’ve heard that wrestlers under contract with other organizations are attempting to undermine Plunder at the Palace by contacting our contracted wrestlers. I will not let that go unpunished. And that brings me to my second announcement. I’d like to bring out one of our wrestlers. Chris Benoit, please come out here.

Chris Benoit walks on stage to a mixed reaction of cheers and boos. Even though he’s in his prime (thanks to the Prime-A-Tron 4000), fans still remember his last days.

MMIABS: Chris Benoit, you were one of the first men we contacted about Plunder at the Palace, and you quickly signed a contract. But in the last week, I’ve heard rumors that you’ve been in talks with another company. I will not tolerate that! I have absolutely no tolerance for someone who breaks a contract, and even less for someone who has no respect for human life! Chris Benoit, I’m trading you!

CB gets all steely-eyed, then suddenly attacks the MMIABS. Benoit pummels MMIABS, quickly puts him in the crossface and tries to pull off his mask. From the back, BRUISER BRODY runs out and attacks Benoit. Benoit releases MMIABS and starts brawling with Brody! But BRODY’S NO-SELLING! Brody just stands there! And now Brody starts laying in some heavy, real overhand blows, knocking Benoit to the ground. Benoit looks dazed and confused, and scrambles to his feet and off screen. Brody circles around the interview area, barking. IT’S A SHOOT, FOLKS! IT’S A SHOOT!

MMIABS: I expected something like that from you, Benoit! But I was ready. Bruiser Brody has no use in the wrestling business for homicidal, suicidal maniacs like you. You’re gone! You’re fired! You’re traded! I’m sending your sorry carcass and my 23 RD AND 24 TH ROUND PICKS to SOLLY for ANDY KAUFMAN and SOLLY’S 16 TH and 17 TH ROUND PICKS!

C “IP” L: We have breaking news! Plunder at the Palace has just traded CHRIS BENOIT and AA’s 23 RD AND 24 TH ROUND PICKS (547 and 558 overall) to SOLLY for ANDY KAUFMAN and SOLLY’S 16 TH and 17 TH ROUND PICKS (369 and 400 overall)!

[Attitude Adjuster]

Crystal Louthan is on the scene at the Plunder at the Palace Promo Area, where all wrestlers appear when they need to cut a promo despite the event not yet having a firm date.

CL: I’ve been told that Jerry “The King” Lawler has asked for interview time. Jerry, please come in here. Why did you ask for this time? Does this have to do with Andy Kaufman?

JL: You sure know your wrestling history, Crystal. If you were a little younger, I’d really have the hots for you.

(Crystal does that typical “Ewww!” thing Sexy Female Journalists do.)

JL: Of course this is about Andy Kaufman. I thought I got rid of that little Hollywood bimbo years ago. He came down to Memphis with his little championship belt and his angle of beating up women. And then just because I slapped him around a bit, he decided to step into the ring with me, then hire all kinds of thugs to get rid of me. Well, it didn’t work then and it’s not going to work now. I’m sure that’s the only reason he’s here at Plunder at the Palace. What I don’t know is how he weaseled in here. We had a world class wrestler in Chris Benoit, and I was really looking forward to stepping in the ring with Benoit. And our Masked Benefactor—is that a cheesy getup or what?—decides to swap Benoit for Kaufman. I’m starting to smell a conspiracy against me, and I want it out in the open right now. Mr. Masked Benefactor, if you’re behind the curtain, come out here and explain yourself now!

Crystal and Lawler wait for a few seconds, and then the crowd erupts because The Masked Benefactor walks onto the set.

JL: well? Well? Give me one good reason you decided to trade Benoit for Kaufman? And why Kaufman? I’m the only guy in the world Kaufman has an issue with, so this has to be about me, right?

MB: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. You’ll find out when the rest of the world finds out. But I just want you to know that I have the best interests of Plunder at the Palace in mind. It’s not a witchhunt against you. You’ll have to trust me on that.

JL: trust you? Why should I trust you? Give me one good reason before I shove my big right fist upside…

MB: Mr. Lawler, please be quiet for a second. I came out here for a reason other than to deal with your phobias. At this time I’d like to announce a trade between AA and Gator. AA RECEIVES PICKS 302, 398, 469, 470, and GATOR RECIEVES PICKS 366, 369, 931, 942.

CL: A blockbuster of a trade! AA RECEIVES PICKS 302, 398, 469, 470, and GATOR RECIEVES PICKS 366, 369, 931, 942. But aren’t you concerned that you’ve angered Lucky by announcing the trade in the middle of another promo?

MB: Not at all. Last time I capitalized the trade, and this time I bolded it as well. If Lucky doesn’t like it, he can talk to my bodyguard, BRUISER BRODY!

BRODY comes from behind the curtain and stomps around the interview area barking.

JL: You know, this Masked Benefactor might not be so bad after all. Hey, Crystal, you want to go grab some coffee? You can show me a picture of your puppies.

(Crystal does that typical “Ewww!” thing Sexy Female Journalists do.)

[Attitude Adjuster]

We’re back for another special interview with the Masked Benefactor, who’s introducing one of the newest entrants to Plunder at the Palace.

CL: We’re back today with The Masked Benefactor, and he’s introducing a new fan favorite and I’m sure a favorite of The Masked Benefactor as well.

MB: Not exactly. But just because he isn’t a favorite of mine doesn’t mean I don’t recognize ability. Let me introduce to you and the fans out there, Austin Idol!

CL: The Masked Benefactor said he isn’t a fan of yours. Does that bother you?

AI: Not at all, honey. See, I’m every woman’s dream and every man’s nightmare. I am Austin Idol. Look at this body, will ya? I’ve come here for one reason and one reason only, and if you know me at all, you know what that reason is. I’m here for...

Jerry Lawler (busting into the scene): Don’t even go any further, you bleach-blonde bimbo. I know why you’re here, and I’m already getting tired of this game. So Kaufman thinks he can get rid of me by bringing you in, huh? Well, we’ve battled and been tag team partners all over the South, and I don’t trust you one bit. So don’t even try to say you’re here to support he, because I know otherwise. In fact, I have half a mind to take this big right fist and...

MB: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Calm down. Austin Idol is not here to take you out. You won’t even be in the same tournament. Mr. idol has expressed his preference to be in the tag team tournament, and one of the reasons he asked to be out here today was to announce who his tag team partner is going to be.

JL: Oh, that’s funny. What, it’s Tommy Rich, isn’t it? How dumb do you think I am? You’re bringing back the guy who helped you cut my hair in that cage match in Memphis. I don’t care if you are in the tag team tournament, I’m still keeping an eye on you.

AI: Actually, Tommy’s not my partner. Although with you running your mouth like that, it wouldn’t be a bad idea. No, at this time I want to introduce my tag team partner, the man I found to be so much like me he scares me, “Nature Boy” Buddy Landell!

Buddy Landell walks on screen and gives Lawler a stare down before turning to speak.

BL: Crystal, it’s mighty fine being here in San Francisco for Plunder at the Palace. And I’m especially pleased to be tag teaming with Austin Idol, who is one o the most reliable and loyal partners I’ve ever know.

JL: YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME! That’s it. I’m out of here.

Crystal looks dumbstruck.

BL: Baby, baby, don’t faint on me. I know I have that affect on women, but you’ll have to get use to it, because Austin Idol and I are going to be the premiere tag team in this tournament, and then stake out claim around the world as the Best Tag Team Ever! So, Crystal, go ahead and ask a question.

CL: You’re kidding, right? Buddy Landell and Austin Idol in a tag team?

AI: what’s wrong with that? I know I can count on this guy. He’ll always be there for me.

BL: And Austin will always be there for me. If there’s one person in the world I can count on, it’s the Las Vegas Heartthrob.

CL: The two biggest no-shows of the 1980s are counting on each other? Buddy? Austin? Really?

BL: I’ve never missed a match that I can remember.

CL: That’s because you were always high on coke!

AI: My car had a flat tire. FOUR flat tires! It wasn’t my fault!

BL: I’m pretty sure I never missed a match.

AI: I’m sure there was a reason. Look, it won’t happen this time. This time, I’m all business.

BL: So am I. You can count on…

The love fest is interrupted by THE WILD SAMOANS, Afa and 462. Sika,

and they’re trailed by manager Gary Hart! The Wild Samoans attack Idol and Landell, and the foursome brawl to the backstage area.

CL: Gary Hart! Have you been hired by The Wild Samoans?

GH: Let’s just say we have a mutual understanding, Crystal. And it’s not just The Wild Samoans. I also present to you the REAL Pearl of the Orient, the originator of the Blinding Green Mist, The Great Kabuki!

The Great Kabuki sneaks onstage, spins around three times and spits green mist in the air!

GH: With The Wild Samoans and Great Kabuki, I see $2 million heading into my bank account already!

[Attitude Adjuster]

Crystal Louthan is in front of the Plunder at the Palace banner. Let's see who she has with her today!

CL: I'm standing here LIVE at the Cow Palace in San Francisco, home of Plunder at the Palace (cheap pop!), and today I'm with former NWA World Champion "Wildfire" Tommy Rich!

TR: That's right, Crystal, adn I'm so happy to be here. I'll tell you what, I'm gonna tell you something, just like I said, I'm ready to go and it's my time. Just like I said...

CL: Pardon us, Tommy. You probably see this, too. Buzz Saywer has just walked behind us and into the Prima-A-Tron 4000. Tommy, you had quite a war with Buzz Saywer in the early-1980s. Some would say it was bloodiest and greatest feud of all-time.

TR: Well, that's right Crystal. And like I told ya, just like I said, if Buzz Sawyer and I get together I'm more than ready, like I told ya. See, I'm in the best shape of my life, just like I said, the day I beat Harley Race for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. So if Buzz Sawyer wants to get in my business, or for that matter Austin Idol or Jerry Lawler or even The Road Warriors, I'll tell you what, Crystal, I'm ready to go and...

CL: Ahhhh! Buzz Sawyer just ran out of the Prime-A-Tron 4000 and instantly attacked Tommy Rich! Power Slam on the concrete floor. Driving headbutt on th floor. He's a mad dog! And it seems he only has one thing on his mind!

BS: (Go to the 8-minute mark)

Actually, Buzz doesn't even wait for a response. Sawyer walks over to Rich, who gets a face hope punch. Sawyer. drags him to the ring, rolls him in, whips him to the ropes and we get this:

[Attitude Adjuster]

Crystal is Pretty is hanging out at the Plunder at the Palace headquarters. Apparently there’s going to be a big announcement regarding the show.

CIP: First off, can I just say something? Can we get rid of this “Crystal Is Pretty” bullshit? The name is Crystal Louthan. Yes, I’m pretty, but dammit, I’m much more than a microphone stand! You got it? You drafted me that high to do more than stand here and look stupid, right? So give me some respect!

AA (off camera): Uhh, ok.

CL: (Pointing to her new initials) That’s better. Now then, we’re here at Plunder at the Palace headquarters, where the Masked Benefactor is about to make a major announcement. Mr. Masked Benefactor, what is this major announcement?

MB: I’ve flown in on my private jet from my hometown of…

CL: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don’t tell everyone where your hometown is! That might give away your identity! And since we haven’t officially drafted you yet (or traded for you—take that you smarks!), we don’t want to give away the story. So for right now, just tell them you’re from Parts Unknown.

MB: Good catch, Crystal. I knew we drafted you that high for a reason.

CL: That’s what I was just telling this writer monkey over there.

AA: OK, OK, I got the point.

MB: Anyway, I just flew in on my private jet from Parts Unknown to announce that we have signed all eight teams for the $1 Million Tag Team Tournament. Our Tournament Committee has worked hard through the night, and they have come up with the seedings for the tournament. We’ve asked the members of the tag teams to be here as we introduce them.

MB: Seeded No. 8, the former AWA tag Team Champions, the team that took a young Midnight Rockers to the limit for months, Playboy Buddy Rose and Doug Sommers!



MB: Seeded No. 7, two outstanding singles wrestlers who have also fared well in the tag team ranks. We believe their styles and personalities mesh well together. At No. 7, “The Universal Heartthrob” Austin Idol and “Nature Boy” Buddy Landell.



CL: Where’s Buddy Landell?

AI: I’m not exactly sure, but he’s guaranteed me that he’ll be at Plunder at the Palace, baby, and we’re taking home that $1 million!

MB: Seed No. 6, one of the more unique tag teams in WCW in the mid-1980s. Their record may not have suggested greatness, but the Tournament Committee believes that at their peak they will be a solid challenger to any of the higher seeds. At No. 6, The Ding Dongs!





CL: The Ding Dongs? You have to be kidding! And will you stop with the bell-ringing?

MB: I couldn’t find Super Machine #1 and #2, and these guys were last minute fill-ins. It was either that or I had to cut a deal with The Masked Ice Cream Vendors.

CL: I can barely hear you over the bell-ringing, but I guess that makes sense then. I know the Ding Dongs would kick The Ice Cream Vendors asses.

MB: At No. 5, another masked tag team with a history of victories and title reigns. I present to you The Masked Assassins, Jody Hamilton and Tom Renesto!



CL: Did you just give away their identities?

MB: Oops.

CL: And will someone stop those Ding Dongs from ringing their bells?

The Assassins attack The Ding Dongs as if on cue. Assassin #1 puts the Assassin Hammerlock on one of the Ding Dongs, and the Ding Dong quickly taps out. The other Assassin is too busy putting the boots to the other Ding Dong to hear this:

MB: The No. 4 seed, and the opponent of The Assassins…

Jim Cornette and his Midnight Express (Dennis Condrey and Randy Rose) bust onto the scene. Condrey and Rose attack The Assassins! Condrey and Rose get the upper hand on Assassin #2, and hit a surprisingly well-orchestrated Flapjack on the Concrete Floor before attacking Assassin #1.

JC: Just shut up right there, you little dweeb. I don’t care who you are, but I’m sure I can buy and sell you a hundred times over. Get those goofballs, boys! Now then, let me make a proper introduction, even if this is at best the third-rate version of the Midnight Express. Let me introduce to you the Masters of Mayhem, the Princes of Plunder, Twin Brothers of Different Mothers, Loverboy Dennis Condrey and Ravishing Randy Rose! Dennis, get over there and kick that goofy yellow and black guy in the gut again. He’s getting up. You know, Sweet Stan would have laid him out until the middle of next week. That’s what I have to work with here. If we win the $1 million, it will be my greatest managing job yet. Let’s get out of here, boys.

CL: That was unexpected.

MB: True, but that’s what I like to see in these teams. They’ll do anything for $1 million. And that leads me to the No. 3 seed, who face The Ding Dongs, the only team to hold the NWA, AWA and WWF Tag Team Champions, Precious Paul Ellering and The Road Warriors!

Animal and Hawk run out to attack The Ding Dongs, but see their sorry carcasses still on the ground and instead decide to cut this promo.



CL: Do they realize the tournament is named Plunder at the Palace?

MB: I’ll double check with Ellering. We’re getting close to the end. The No. 2 seed is one of the toughest, meanest, dirtiest pair of motorcycle-riding cowboys I’ve ever seen. They may not have long title histories, but they have a history of beating people up. I present to you Wild Bill Irwin and Scott Hogg Irwin, The Long Riders.



CL: You seem to have quite an issue with Tommy Rich. You do realize he’s not in the tag team, tournament, right?

BI: Shut up!

MB: And finally, the No. 1 seed in the $1 Million Plunder at the Palace Tag Team Tournament, one of the original tag team specialists, brought in originally by Captain Lou Albano but managed for this tournament only by Gary Hart—Afa! Sika! The Wild Samoans!



The Wild Samoans stare at the Masked Benefactor and Crystal, then start picking things out of Crystal’s hair. Suddenly The Ding Dongs attack The Samoans, but make the mistake of hitting them in the head. The Samoans no-sell, then proceed to beat down The Ding Dongs, tossing one off the stage before giving the other a Double Headbutt that causes the Ding Dong to fall straight back as if he were shot.

CL: So there you have it. The eight teams that will compete for $1 million at Plunder at the Palace. Stay tuned, as the individual tournament seeds and pairings will be announced soon.

[Attitude Adjuster]

Crystal Louthan is standing in front of the Plunder at the Palace banner with The Masked Benefactor. Let’s go live to San Francisco for another major announcement!

CL: We’re here at Plunder at the Palace with The Masked Benefactor. You say you have two major announcements?

MB: That’s correct, Crystal. First, we have made all our signings and the Tournament Committee has made the pairings for the singles tournament. But because of the chaos that ensued during the tag team tournament announcement, I have decided to bring out my bodyguard and personal assistant, Bruiser Brody!

Brody storms on stage, barking and holding his hand in the air for no apparent reason like he always does.

MB: The first match will feature the No. 8 and No. 9 seeds. At No. 8, the holder of numerous titles in Southern federations and a veteran bountyhunter, “Mr. Unpredictable” Dick Slater!



MB: His opponent, one of the legendary masked wrestlers of all time, the Master of the Million Dollar Kneelift, Mr. Wrestling II.

MB: Next No. 7 is an originator in his field. Some may call him strange or feminine, but we simple call him “Exotic”—Adrian Street!

Street and Miss Linda walk on stage. Street stops a couple steps short of Crystal, and waves Miss Linda over. Miss Linda walks over to Crystal and sprays her with perfume, much to Crystal’s distaste.

EAS: I can not believe I’m being forced to speak to such a lower class level of human being like this…this…skank. Where is Gordon Solie? I believe I spoke to you people about he being the only person I would interview with. And this banner…this banner must go. The colors are all wrong. They clash with my ring robe…and what in The Queen’s great earth is THAT!

Street points at a burly man walking haphazardly to ring stage area. He’s wearing psych ward clothes and being led by Teddy Long, who’s holding a giant key.

MB: That’s Mr. Street, is your opponent. Norman the Lunatic!

TL: That’s right you pigtailed, rooty-tooty fresh and fruity! I have once again found Norman the Lunatic, perhaps my greatest managerial find. After Steve Williams turned him into a teddy bear loving fan-favorite freak, he was worthless to me. But wwhen I heard about this $1 million tournament, I bailed on that lame ass general manager job at the WWE—Hey, Vince, kiss MY ass!—and located Norman back at the Atlanta State Looney Farm. So what you think of that, homey!

EAS: Homey? What is this “homey” to which you refer? If it be the clown on the telly, then you, sir, are the only clown I see. And if it is a clown you want to see, we shall make you a clown!

Street sucker punches Long, sending him to the ground. Miss Linda reaches into her purse for some lipstick and starts to paint Long with lipstick while Street holds off Norman. But Norman goes bezerk and literally tosses Street off the stage. Miss Linda runs off, and Norman saves Long from a clown makeup disgrace. While all that was going on, The Masked Benefactor was holding back Brody, who looked like he wanted to get involved.

MB: We will NOT have any more of that here! The next time that happens, I will let Brody loose. Your blood will be on your own hands! In fact, I’m not even going to let these next two on stage together. The third matchup is No. 6 Tommy Rich, and his opponent, No. 11 seed Mad Dog Buzz Sawyer!

CL: Wait a second. Are you tell me that the Tournament Committee just happened to pair these two together in a return to the Greatest Feud of the early 1980s? That just seems a bit contrived.

MB: Hey, this is my tournament, and I’ll do as I please. Besides, let’s just drop all pretenses. This is wrestling. Nothing happens by accident. The next matchup sees the No. 5 seed,t eh multi-time AWA Heavyweight Champion Nick Bockwinkel facing the No. 12 seed, The Gentle Giant from Tennessee, Haystacks Calhoun.

Bockwinkel and Calhoun come out and shake the hand of The Masked Benefactor, then shake each other’s hands.

MB: Now that’s the type of professional manners everyone should have here. Thank you, boys. Next, the No. 4 seed is a southern legend, from Memphis Tennessee, he’s simply known as The King, Jerry Lawler!

Lawler comes on stage and looks anxious about his opponent.

MB: And his opponent, one of the toughest men to ever enter the squared circle, a multi-time belt holder through the United States, Mexico and Japan, I present to you…

AK: Wait, wait, wait! There’s been a slight change of plans!

MB: Andy Kaufman, what are you doing here? (Lawler looks very annoyed.)

AK: I can be here if I want to, because I’m from HOLLYWOOD! And I have money! And I just paid the goofball you made the No. 13 seed enough Benjamin Franklins to take his place in the tournament. Jerry Lawler, my revenge is now!

JL: You have to be kidding me. Really? This is my first round opponent? You’re back and you want more? I piledrove you and broke your neck once, and now you want more?

AK: I’d do it myself right now, Mr. King. But instead, I paid others to do it!

Kaufman looks beyond Lawler, and Lawler turns around swiftly, but no one’s there. Lawler turns back around, thinking Kaufman will attack, but Kaufman looks clueless.

AK: I…ummm…hang on a second.

Kaufman gets on his cell phone.

AK: Hang on…Dang it, got their answering machine. Austin? Where are you guys? I told you to be here for the announcement. You better have an explanation for this. I’m calling Buddy right now! (Kaufman dials the phone again.) Damn it! Buddy, pick up the phone! Where are you guys?

Kaufman turns back around to see Lawler preparing to give Kaufman a beating.

AK: Stop! Stop! Mr. Benefactor won’t let you do this! Brody! Get him! Get him! (Brody isn’t moving.) I’ll sue you! I’ll sue! (Kaufman starts backing away and then runs off.

JL: Well, that was fun.

MB: Our next match features the always entertaining, always physical, always 100 percent, Pistol Pez Whatley!

Pez Whatley comes to the stage.

CL: You have to be kidding me! Pistol Pez Whatley, a mid-carder at best, made the tournament?

MB: He’s one of my favorite wrestlers, OK? Plus, he’s one of the best black wrestlers in history.

PPW: Don’t go there. You know what happen to Jimmy Valiant when he went there.

MB: His opponent, the No. 3 seed, led to the stage by Gary Hart, the Mystery of the Orient, The Great Kabuki!



MB Now we’re down to the final two seeds. At No. 2, his career was cut short by a vehicle crash, but thanks to the Prime-A-Tron 4000 he’s at his peak, the one-time NWA United States Heavyweight Champion and the man who took Nikita Koloff to his limit and made Tully blanchard say “I Quit,” Magnum TA! His opponent, most well know as a manager but a tough man nonetheless and not a stranger to money, Paul Ellering!

MB: And finally, the No. 16 seed, the original Rock n Roller, an AWA lightheavyweight champion, Rock n Roll Buck Zumhoff.



CL: Now you’re really reaching.

MB: He’s one of AA’s favorites. And since he writes this stuff, I figured I’d give him something.

AA: Thanks.

MB: And his opponent, the No. 1 seed. You’ve seen him here already. I present to you, MY MAN, Bruiser Brody! Get him, Brody!

Brody proceeds to beat the hell out of Buck Zumhoff. He power slams Zumhoff on the stage, then takes his boom box and crushes it over Zumhoff’s head. Zumhoff is left bleeding on the floor. Meanwhile, The Masked Benefactor stands back and laughs.

MB: Bruiser Brody! Bruiser Brody! This is the man who will win the tournament! My man! My man! (The Masked Benefactor rips off his mask to expose AA’s Final Pick—TED TURNER!) He’s going to win back my money! Every last dime! I’m going to make money on tickets, concessions, autographs, DVDs, everything! And I’m getting every last cent back on the tournament! Brody! And meet my tag team business partners—The Road Warriors and Paul Ellering!

PE: Boys, I told you I’d work out everything. I’ve made a nice deal with Mr. Turner, and as long as we win the tag team tournament, we gain a fair split of the profits from this show! It’s an ingenious plan, Mr. Turner. Genius!

Fade out on Turner, Brody, Ellering and The Road Warriors celebrating.

[Lou]

Mr. Wresting II should be the 1 seed.

[Road Warrior Shark]

As expected, I love some of the picks...

The Road Warriors arent' seed 1???

and Brody had better win, or WE RIOT!

[Attitude Adjuster]

Well, The Road Warriors are only No. 3 so the promo I picked made sense. Continuity is my middle name, after all.

[Batman]

Jul 1, 2009 19:41:22 GMT -5 Lou said:

Mr. Wresting II should be the 1 seed.

This.

[Attitude Adjuster]

We open with Gordon Solie at an Old School desk.

GS: Good morning, everyone and welcome to Plunder at the Palace, Ted Turner’s $2 million, two tournament, one-day event at the venerable Cow Palace in San Francisco, California. We’re bringing you 12 first-round matches this morning. The winners of these matches advance to the second round. The second round, plus all additional matches leading to the individual and tag team finals, will take place beginning at 6:05 p.m.

At this time, here are this morning’s brackets and matches.

INDIVIDUAL
1) Bruiser Brody vs. 16) Buck Zumhoffe
Dick Slater vs. 9) Mr. Wrestling II

4) Jerry Lawler vs. 13) Andy Kaufmann
5) Nick Bockwinkel vs. 12) Haystacks Calhoun

2) Magnum TA vs. 15) Paul Ellering
7) Norman the Lunatic w/Teddy Long vs. 10) Exotic Adrian Street

3) Tommy Rick vs. 14) Buzz Sawyer
6) Great Kabuki w/Gary Hart vs 11) Pez Whatley

TAG TEAM
1) Wild Samoans w/Gary Hart vs. Playboy Buddy Rose and Doug Sommers
4) Dennis Condrey and Randy Rose w/Jim Cornette vs. 5) The Assassins w/Gary Hart

3) The Road Warriors w/Paul Ellering vs. 6) The Ding Dongs
2) The Long Riders vs. 7) “Nature Boy” Buddy Landell and “The Universal Heartthrob” Austin Idol

GS: And before we go to the opening match, here’s a video package detailing what’s happened during the draft that created this tournament.

The video package details The Masked Benefactor drafting Chris Benoit, then having him beaten down by Bruiser Brody before trading him for Andy Kaufman, which upsets Jerry Lawler. The entire Lawler/Kaufman feud is detailed, as is Lawler’s feuds with Idol and Rich. We see Bockwinkel and Calhoun shake hands at their introduction; Tommy Rich and Buzz Sawyer renew their hostilities; the tag team pairings announcement clusterfrick, including Gary Hart’s acquisition of The Wild Samoans. Street’s attack of Teddy Long is featured. And finally we see the demasking of The Masked Benefactor to reveal Ted Turner, and his financial agreement with Paul Ellering and The Road Warriors and Bruiser Brody to win back Turner’s $2 million in return for a significant cut of the ticket sales, concessions, parking and DVD sales from the event.

GS: All first round matches are 30-minute time limit. If a draw or double countout occurs, both men or teams are eliminated. Now then, let’s get to the ring for the best wrestling action in Pun’s House (except for the OOWF—I love those Chickenshit Heels promos).

Dick Slater vs. 9) Mr. Wrestling II
Slater and Wrestling II put on a wrestling clinic for 12 minutes. Neither man takes shortcuts, but the wrestling is intense. Slater whips Wrestling II into the ropes, but Wrestling II reverses and Slater re-reverses. Slater goes for a backdrop, but because of the reversals he was too far away from Wrestling II. The masked man sees Slater drop his head, hits the Million Dollar Kneelift and packages up Slater for the three count from ref Tommy Young.
Winner in 13:44, Mr. Wrestling II

2) Magnum TA vs. 15) Paul Ellering
Ellering tries to chickenshit himself through the match. After about seven minutes of stalling, TA finally dives out of the ring and chases Ellering. Ellering slides back into the ring and clotheslines TA as he comes back in. Ellering whips TA into the ropes, but TA reverses and NAILS Ellering with the super-quick Belly-to-Belly Suplex for the three count.
Winner in 7:59 (with only about 30 seconds of actual wrestling), Magnum TA

1) Wild Samoans w/Gary Hart vs. Playboy Buddy Rose and Doug Sommers
Both teams try to work the heel heat, and the crowd doesn’t know who to root for. Rose tries the “quiet the booing” signal, and it actually woks. Rose is shocked. Rose and Sommers become defacto babyfaces, and Sommers becomes Robert Gibson. Samoans hit the double headbutt on Sommers, and it looks like this one is over. But Rose makes the save and a Pier 6 erupts. In the middle of the chaos, Gary Hart gets up on the apron and clubs Rose in the back of the head. Afa hits the Big Splash and The Wild Samoans advance.
Winner in 12:37, The Wild Samoans

1) Bruiser Brody vs. 16) Buck Zumhoffe
Bruiser Brody makes short work of this one while Ellering does color commentary, running down Magnum TA. The fans try to get behind Zumhoffe, but it’s just not happening. At least his boom box stays in one piece, which is probably an accomplishment in itself.
Winner in 6:51, Bruiser Brody

3) Tommy Rick vs. 14) Buzz Sawyer
Unfortunately, this one barely makes it to the ring. It seems they’ve been brawling off and on throughout the arena since they arrived this morning. Rich is bleeding at 0.6 Muta, while Sawyer is only at 0.4 Muta. We first spot them in the concession stand, then they made their way to the second deck of the Cow Palace, then to the restrooms where they went all Benoit/Sullivan on each other. They got back to the ring for about five minutes before Rich tosses Sawyer over the top rope, over the barricade, sprays a beer in his face and slams a chair on his knee. Tommy Young’s had enough, and calls for the bell.
In 13:22, No Contest

2) The Long Riders vs. 7) “Nature Boy” Buddy Landell and “The Universal Heartthrob” Austin Idol
The Long Riders hit the ring ready for a fight. Idol and Landell are announced, but neither come to ringside. They are announced again, but neither show. The ref finally calls for the bell, issues the 10-count and calls for the bell again.
Winner in :10 by countout, The Long Riders

GS: Well, that was unusual though not unexpected from Landell and Idol. We’ll go to the back with Crystal Louthan to find out more. Meanwhile, we’ll take a 10-minute intermission. Crystal?

CL: I don’t have any new information on the whereabouts of Buddy Landell or Austin Idol. But really, does this surprise anyone? I’m sure one of them will show up this evening or next week with some lame excuse like a telegram told them not to show up, or they had four flat tires, or there will be a news report about one of them being involved in some crazy story involving cocaine, strippers, a missing $20,000 check and a singing monkey. And then one of them will turn on the other. I pretty much bet my life…

Wild Bill Irwin: Look here pretty lady! We came to San Francisco to beat people up! So if Austin Idol and Buddy Landell decided not to show up, that isn’t the end of it for us. Road Warriors, we’re looking for you next round. No disrespect to The Ding Dongs, but we want you two big Chicago blown up muscleheads back in the ring like we use to do! And what are we going to do, Scott?

SI: BEAT ‘EM UP!

CL: Back to you, Gordon.

GS: Thank you, Crystal. Before we go back to the ring, I have been told we have a special announcement. Due to the no contest decision in the Tommy Rich/Buzz Sawyer match, the Tournament Committee has decided—and both wrestlers have agreed—to restage The Last Battle of Atlanta. A no disqualification, must-be-a-winner brawl inside a fully-enclosed steel cage. And unlike last time, there will be video shot! Cow Palace management has created 500 more seats because of this special added match. Get your tickets now!

Now back to ringside for more matches.

3) The Road Warriors w/Paul Ellering vs. 6) The Ding Dongs
Like you have to ask who won this? The Road Warriros storm the ring, and Animal knocks Ding Dong #1 out of the ring. They double-team DD#2 for a while, get tired of that, take him over to the Ding Dong corner and force the tag, then beat up DD#1 for a bit. The Long Riders come to ringside to distract The Road Warriors. Ding Dong #1 actually get a hope punch, but that just pisses off Hawk, who rips DD#1’s head off with a clothesline. One Doomsday Device later, and we have a winner. Long Rider sand Road Warriors stare down after the match.
Winner in 2:33, The Road Warriors

4) Jerry Lawler vs. 13) Andy Kaufmann
Nothing can be better than the original.


Winner in 4:22, Jerry Lawler

6) Great Kabuki w/Gary Hart vs 11) Pez Whatley
Gary Hart tries to convince Whatley to take a dive, but Whatley isn’t buying it. Unfortunately, he also isn’t watching Great Kabuki, who attacks Whatley from behind. Kabuki dominates the early parts of the match, Whatley recovers and gets a couple of near falls, but Hart distracts Whatley , giving time for Kabuki to hit the Superkick and get the pinfall. Yep, it’s that formulaic. Not every match needs a dead puppy dog in a casket dragged behind a pickup, spilt coffee, three midgets and singing monkey. What is it with singing monkeys anyway?
Winner in 14:12, Great Kabuki

7) Norman the Lunatic w/Teddy Long vs. 10) Exotic Adrian Street w/Miss Linda
Then sometimes you need crazy gimmicks. So the Exotic one gets into the ring, has Miss Linda spray Tommy Young with perfume (hey, this is his 10th match and he hasn’t been knocked down yet). Street also asks that Miss Linda spray down the first three rows of the crowd, since the entire arena smells like a rodeo. (In truth, the card was booked between the Body Arts Expo and the Roller Derby World Championships. I kid you not. As Miss Linda is spraying the audience, Norman the Lunatic storms out of the back and attacks Street. Teddy Long, for some reason still wearing the lipstick Miss Linda smeared on him (way to sell the angle, Teddy!), rolls in behind Norman and threatens Miss Linda. Somehow Street carries Norman to a 4-star match, allowing the crazy, bear-totting, 400-pounder to pummel him from post to post. Street gets in some decent offense, but misses a flying kneedrop off the second rope and comes up holding his knee. Long tells Norman to work on the knee, and Norman goes all crazy guy on Street’s knee. A series of 400-pound elbow drops from Norman actually makes Street submit, and Young calls for the bell. Norman doesn’t stop, however, and Long doesn’t do anything. Finally, Magnum TA runs into the ring and pulls Norman away. Magnum checks on Street, and if you don’t know what happens next you just don’t following wrestling. Long tells Norman to attack TA (since he’s his next opponent, and why Magnum didn’t think of that, I’m not sure—he’s got a little Sting in him). Norman lines up Magnum in the corner and crushes him with a 400-pound body splash! Mr. Wrestling II and Pez Whatley come out to drag off TA’s dead carcass.
Winner in 8:47, Norman the Lunatic

GS: Teddy Long, if you would please, come over here and explain why you had Norman attack Magnum TA. He was only trying to help an injured wrestler.

TL: Gordon, it’s all about the Benjamins! There’s $1 million on the line, and I’ve brought Norman here to get what I’m due. It doesn’t matter if it’s Magnum TA, Mr. Wrestling II, Jerry Lawler or even Bruiser Brody, we’re taking people out. Norman’s taking people out. Because I have The Key. And as long as I have The Key, Norman does what I tell him to do! Adrian Street, you want to paint my face like a clown? Now who’s the clown? Your clown ass is in the hospital now, boy!

GS: That’s just uncalled for, Mr. Long. I think your interview time is done. Let’s go back to the ring.

5) Nick Bockwinkel vs. 12) Haystacks Calhoun
Bockwinkel and Calhoun again shake hands at the beginning of this match, and we have a number of collar-and-elbow tie-ups that end with Calhoun forcing Bockwinkel into the corner and then breaking clean. Bockwinkel finally grabs a headlock, gets thrown off into the ropes, goes for a shoulderblock and of course loses. He tries again, for some inane reason, and loses. Third time, and Bockwinkel tries a Thesz Press, but Calhoun simply turns it into a bearhug. And thus starts the big-man beatdown, as the 500-pounder works over Bockwinkel. Bockwinkel finally overcomes with some quick-witted wrestling, and goes for the Sleeper! He leaps up on Calhoun’s back for better leverage. As this is happening, Andy Kaufman comes to ringside.

GS: It looks like Andy Kaufman is waving money at Haystacks Calhoun. From my vantage point, those look like $100 bills. That has to be a pack of at least 20 or 30 $100 bills. Calhoun hasn’t seemed to notice, however, but he’s losing his balance and is backing into the corner. OHHH!!!! Calhoun just crushed Nick Bockwinkel AND Tommy Young into the corner! Young is definitely hurt. Bockwinkel is also crumpled in the corner. Kaufman is screaming at Calhoun, and it looks like he’s telling him to do it again. Calhoun doesn’t know what to do. He rolls out of the ring, walks up to Kaufman, AND TAKES THE MONEY! Calhoun took the money! He rolls back into the ring, picks up Bockwinkel in a bearhug, and again CRUSHES him into the corner. AGAIN! AND AGAIN! Now he’s standing in the middle of the ring with the bearhug. Kaufman is shoving Tommy Young into the ring. Young looks up and sees a limp Bockwinkel and calls for the bell.
Winner in 9:12, Haystacks Calhoun

GS: Andy Kaufman is making his way over to the desk. I’m sure he has something to say.

AK: Jerry Lawler, you think you’re done with me? Never! Never! I always have a plan, because I’m FROM HOLLYWOOD! And I have money! Everyone likes money. And now, tonight, in the second round, you have to face my new acquisition, Haystacks Calhoun! Lawler, I am not done with you! Come on, Haystacks. We have to buy you some new clothes.

GS: Well, that was an interesting turn of events. We have one match left this morning, but referee Tommy Young was clearly hurt in that last match. We’ll have to take some time to find…

Gary Hart: Oh no, Gordon Solie, we don’t need any time. My Assassins are ready to fight The Midnight Express, and let’s just say we were ready for something like this happening.

Jim Cornette: Wait just a monkey-minded second. What do you mean YOU have a referee lined up? What if I don’t like your referee? What if I also happen to have a second referee lined up? You think you can just go around running this show like you use to run around in that little Texas two-step those Von Erichs called a wrestling federation?

GH: Jim, I respect you greatly, and that’s why I came prepared. If you have a second referee in mind, then we might just have to have the Tournament Committee make a decision. But first, who is your referee, Jim?

JC: I thought you’d never ask, you balding windbag. I found someone who would call this straight down the middle, and that fans would enjoy seeing. Because I’m all about ratings, you know. Let me present to you, Crystal Louthan!

Crystal Louthan walks out in a really tight and hot ref’s outfit.

JC: So what do you have to say about that, huh, Gary? So who’s your ref? Huh? Huh?

GH: Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. That’s funny. I must admit, Crystal as a ref is a great idea. But you didn’t read the fine print. The only people who can referee here are those who’ve officiated before. And Crystal has never refereed a match. She’s not eligible.

JC: Fine print? Fine print? Who reads the fine print in wrestling? People just put contracts in front of us and we sign it! Crystal isn’t eligible?

GH: Nope. But my man is. I present to you, the referee for the match between The Assassins and The Midnight Express, my good friend, Teddy Long!

Teddy Long comes out in a ref’s outfit.

JC: Ah, come on. Like he’s going to call the match straight? I remember him when he was an official in the NWA, and I’m not even sure he can count to three.

GH: That may be true, but he’s the only option we have. And it seems I got to him first.

TL: That’s right! And I say we get in the ring right now and start this match!

4) Dennis Condrey and Randy Rose w/Jim Cornette vs. 5) The Assassins
Long races to the ring and starts counting out both teams. Hart is prepared and The Assassins get in the ring. Cornette is hastily calling out Condrey and Rose, and Rose just slips into the ring before the 10-count. The Assassins double team Rose while Cornette hunts down Condrey. Rose survives numerous close (and very fast) two-counts from Long, and a couple times makes his way to the corner only to not find Condrey or Cornette. Finally, Cornette comes back with Condrey, who’s head is bandaged heavily with blood seeping from the covering. Cornette helps Condrey up on the apron, and a few minutes later Condrey makes the hot tag. Condrey goes all house-a-fire on The Assassins. He whips Assassin #2 into the ropes, Assassin reverses, Condrey re-re-reverses and Assassin re-re-re-reverses. That sends Condrey into a corner occupied by Teddy Long, and Long is crushed by Condrey. Condrey also goes down in a heap. Gary Hart runs over to help Long. The Assassin tags out, and Assassin #1 pulls something from his tights and puts it in his mask. Cornette sees this, however, and clobbers The Assassin with his tennis racket in the forehead, right where he put the foreign object. For some reason, hitting someone with a tennis racket in the head where a foreign object is placed has twice the crippling effect, and The Assassin goes down in a heap. Randy Rose takes out Assassin #2, Cornette pulls Condrey on top of Assassin #1 and MAKES THE THREE COUNT HIMSELF? For some reason the timekeeper rings the bell.
Winner in 17:58, The Midnight Express

GH: That can’t be right! You weren’t the official referee. You can’t be a referee!

JC: That’s where you’re wrong, Gary. I finally got one over on you! Because according to Lucky’s rules, Special Guest > Guest Crew Member (Referee, Timekeeper, etc) > Wrestler. And while I’ve never been a referee, I HAVE been a wrestler! Therefore I can be a referee!

GS (consulting a rule book): He does seem to have a valid point, Mr. Hart.

Gary Hart is speechless, but that’s OK because The Assassins have just snuck up from behind and attacked Cornette. Condrey and Rose try to intervene, but The Wild Samoans, their next round opponent, run in and commence a 4-on-2 beatdown of Condrey and Rose. We fade out with Gary Hart putting the badmouth on Cornette and his team with the Assassins and Samoans standing tall.

GS: Come back this evening for the final matches of the $2 Million Plunder at the Palace Tournament. Plus, a co-main event that fans have waited for more than 20 years to see. Tommy Rich. Buzz Sawyer. The Last Battle of Atlanta, Part II. And this time it will be filmed!