World Wrestling Federation presented by Eric O'Mac
Jun 9, 2010 20:42:50 GMT -5
Post by Eric O'Mac on Jun 9, 2010 20:42:50 GMT -5
Once upon a time...
The year was 1953. The CWC (Capitol Wrestling Corporation) had just joined the National Wrestling Alliance. Ten years later, "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers had to drop the NWA Championship to Lou Thez, causing the CWC to pull out. Kind of like Tiger Woods when he forgets his condoms in his golf bag. The CWC was renamed to the WWWF, which stood for the World Wide Wrestling Federation.
Buddy Rogers won a fictional tournament in Rio De Janeiro for the WWWF Heavyweight Championship. Wait, didn't they create the Intercontinental Championship the same way? Damn, they really do recycle old ideas all the time. Anyways, some time around 1979, somebody got tired of saying three W's in a row, so they decided to get the Wide out. There was also some concern they the mainstream media might view the WWWF as "the fat wrestling company," since wide was right there in their name.
So anyways, Old Man McMahon, as he was known in these parts was getting...well kind of old. And his greedy son wanted to buy the WWF from him. Since Old Man McMahon was getting old, he started suffering dementia. He told his son to go fuck himself, he would never sell. Magically, one day after saying that, he did just that. Who said dementia couldn't work as a positive?
So Vince McMahon Jr, or, as he'll now be known, Junior (despite the fact that the WWF doesn't believe in calling their talents Jr [see Rey Mysterio and NAMEDROP]) bought the WWF from his Dad and began promoting something called "The Wrestling Classic" on PPV. They did have another event earlier in the year, but it wasn't on PPV, so it didn't matter.
The company was getting bigger. And Junior knew there was only one thing that will keep his company afloat: steroids. And lots of them. So many that it caused Junior to wear a neck brace and he was put on trial for the murders of Ron Goldman and some nice piece of ass. He was acquitted because we all know it was Reggie Bush who killed 'em.
So Junior got rid of steroids, saying that the neck brace didn't really go well with his power walk. And when the steroids went, so did the buyrates. So much that Junior actually screwed Bret Hart. But in his defense, they were both drinking, and Shawn Michaels slipped a roofie in Bret's drink. In related news, Bret also screwed Bret. I bet that was painful.
Anyways, after Bret got fucked by every male employee in the WWF, he left, and buy rates went up. Like, higher than Rob Van Dam on a Tuesday morning. Or any other time during the week, for that matter. In fact, buy rates got so high, the other two wrestling companies decided to play monopoly and ended up landing on Boardwalk, which Junior owned. And you better believe he had a damn hotel on the space. So WCW and ECW went under, although the ECW guy got work as a head maid in that hotel on Boardwalk for a little bit. And he still owes Rob Van Damn $500,000 in pot money.
Just as it seemed that Junior could do no wrong, he booked an alien invasion completely backwards. But that's OK. He was in charge of the WWF! The brand carries itself!
But then Junior met his biggest adversary yet: the Panda.
Basically, the Panda made up some bullshit story about how he owned the letters WWF when said in that order and sequence. It was total bullshit. Completely false. But Junior, suffering from early on-set dementia after taking steroids and getting hit by chairshots in the head, believed the panda, and they renamed their company "WWE."
And they've sucked ever since.
Explaining that last sentence would take a long time. To sum it up, Wrestlemania XX, Next Big Thing, Retirement, Popular Latino dies, Junior pretends to kill himself, Popular Canadian kills self, woman, and baby, Wellness.
Which leads us to today...
**Former OOWF World Heavyweight Champion Eric O'Mac appears at a table, with a grin.**
EOM: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, for a special edition of "15 Minutes of Fame, with Eric O'Mac!" And it's very special for a reason. You see, with WrestleFest 2010 coming up, there has been a lot of interests in my services, since I have certain ties to a certain wrestling mogul. Well, I got a phone call from some guy named Dana White. I thought Dana was a girls name, and I think that pissed him off when I told him because then he started dropping F-bombs all around. And I haven't heard from him since. But it got me thinking...I should start my own wrestling company!
But we all know me. We wll know I've got all of the talent in the world - when I want to use it. Why use all of my time trying to create a new brand that may or may not succeed? So I did the next best thing. I brought back the best wrestling company in the world! The WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!!!!
Now, I know you are all thinking "Wait a minute? I just heard that a Panda owned the letters WWF when said in that order and sequence?" Fear not....because I present to you...MOMENTS AGO!
*We go back to a few moments ago where Eric O'Mac is sitting in a wrestling ring with The Panda.*
EOM:Alright Panda! You've ruined the letters WWF (in that order and sequence) long enough! I'm challenging you to a match! If I win, I win the the initials WWF! If you win, you gain nothing! Do you accept?
*Because the Panda was trained by Sting, he accepts by nodding his head.*
EOM: Alright, now, since this is a Viewer's Choice edition of Monday Night Raw, the viewers will choose! Go to WWE.com to vote! Will we engaged in an Arm-Wrestling Match? How about a debate? Or the final choice, an Hell in a Cell match? Vote now!
*After a few moments, the results come in!*
EOM: Survey says...
*The results show 0% for an Arm Wrestling Match, 0% for the Hell in a Cell match, and 100% for the debate!*
EOM: There we have it, we will engage in a debate! And I will start. We have one minute each! Ready? Alright, let's go!
*Eric rubs his chin for 55 seconds.*
EOM: Word.
*BZZZ! The timer goes off, with Eric only getting one word in!*
EOM: Wow, I really sucked it up that time. Only one word in a minute! OK, Panda it's your turn! Go!
*The Panda sits there because, you know, Pandas can't talk. BZZZT! Time is up!*
EOM: Wow, no words! I guess I win! But let's go to the judges! Judges?
Randy: Yo dog! Dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg Yo!
Paula: Um, you know, I'm not actually on this show, but I think both of you deserve a shot.
Simon: This is the worst debate in the history of debates. But it's clear that of the two of you, Eric O'Mac is the Master Debator.
EOM:Yes! I win the initials WWF! Suck on that, Panda!
*End Moments Ago.*
EOM: Wow, wasn't that amazing! Anyways, the WWF is here to stay! And we will have the best wrestling company in the entire world! With that being said, let me introduce to you, our first draft pick.....BRET "HITMAN" HART!
*Eric is sitting at a table....and a door on the other side of the camera is heard opening....but then the music cuts off!*
EOM: Oh yeah, that's right. I promised myself I wasn't going to give him a chance to screw me. So I traded him for...
*Kurt Angle walks into the frame, wearing a business suit and sits down next to Eric O'Mac.*
EOM: Kurt FREAKIN' Angle, welcome back to the WWF! Tell us your plans!
KA: It's pretty simple Eric...I'm the best wrestling the world. And since you are drafting the best talent in the world, I look forward to proving that night after night. I plan on being WWF Champion from the onset - no tournament in Brazil this time. I'll defeat anyone you place in front of me. You hear what I'm saying Eric? Because it's real. And not only is is real, it's true. It's DAMN true.
EOM: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kurt Angle! And if you think he's amazing, wait til you see the rest of the talent I have lined up for the WWF! I've got a vision! The vision is owned by some guy named Jim Jividen. And it's a vision much better than what my father offered up when he bought the WWF over 25 years ago! The best wrestling! Best production values! The best entertainment can only be found here - the World Wrestling Federation. Don't believe me? Get the F out!
*The camera fades into the WWF logo.*
My bad. We haven't hired all of the produciton people back. Let's try this...
**Eric O'Mac is a created character and will not be used in a wrestling capacity, storyline capacity, or any capacity once the draft is over in order for the WWF to be in compliance with the Chickenshit Heels draft rule.**
The year was 1953. The CWC (Capitol Wrestling Corporation) had just joined the National Wrestling Alliance. Ten years later, "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers had to drop the NWA Championship to Lou Thez, causing the CWC to pull out. Kind of like Tiger Woods when he forgets his condoms in his golf bag. The CWC was renamed to the WWWF, which stood for the World Wide Wrestling Federation.
Buddy Rogers won a fictional tournament in Rio De Janeiro for the WWWF Heavyweight Championship. Wait, didn't they create the Intercontinental Championship the same way? Damn, they really do recycle old ideas all the time. Anyways, some time around 1979, somebody got tired of saying three W's in a row, so they decided to get the Wide out. There was also some concern they the mainstream media might view the WWWF as "the fat wrestling company," since wide was right there in their name.
So anyways, Old Man McMahon, as he was known in these parts was getting...well kind of old. And his greedy son wanted to buy the WWF from him. Since Old Man McMahon was getting old, he started suffering dementia. He told his son to go fuck himself, he would never sell. Magically, one day after saying that, he did just that. Who said dementia couldn't work as a positive?
So Vince McMahon Jr, or, as he'll now be known, Junior (despite the fact that the WWF doesn't believe in calling their talents Jr [see Rey Mysterio and NAMEDROP]) bought the WWF from his Dad and began promoting something called "The Wrestling Classic" on PPV. They did have another event earlier in the year, but it wasn't on PPV, so it didn't matter.
The company was getting bigger. And Junior knew there was only one thing that will keep his company afloat: steroids. And lots of them. So many that it caused Junior to wear a neck brace and he was put on trial for the murders of Ron Goldman and some nice piece of ass. He was acquitted because we all know it was Reggie Bush who killed 'em.
So Junior got rid of steroids, saying that the neck brace didn't really go well with his power walk. And when the steroids went, so did the buyrates. So much that Junior actually screwed Bret Hart. But in his defense, they were both drinking, and Shawn Michaels slipped a roofie in Bret's drink. In related news, Bret also screwed Bret. I bet that was painful.
Anyways, after Bret got fucked by every male employee in the WWF, he left, and buy rates went up. Like, higher than Rob Van Dam on a Tuesday morning. Or any other time during the week, for that matter. In fact, buy rates got so high, the other two wrestling companies decided to play monopoly and ended up landing on Boardwalk, which Junior owned. And you better believe he had a damn hotel on the space. So WCW and ECW went under, although the ECW guy got work as a head maid in that hotel on Boardwalk for a little bit. And he still owes Rob Van Damn $500,000 in pot money.
Just as it seemed that Junior could do no wrong, he booked an alien invasion completely backwards. But that's OK. He was in charge of the WWF! The brand carries itself!
But then Junior met his biggest adversary yet: the Panda.
Basically, the Panda made up some bullshit story about how he owned the letters WWF when said in that order and sequence. It was total bullshit. Completely false. But Junior, suffering from early on-set dementia after taking steroids and getting hit by chairshots in the head, believed the panda, and they renamed their company "WWE."
And they've sucked ever since.
Explaining that last sentence would take a long time. To sum it up, Wrestlemania XX, Next Big Thing, Retirement, Popular Latino dies, Junior pretends to kill himself, Popular Canadian kills self, woman, and baby, Wellness.
Which leads us to today...
**Former OOWF World Heavyweight Champion Eric O'Mac appears at a table, with a grin.**
EOM: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, for a special edition of "15 Minutes of Fame, with Eric O'Mac!" And it's very special for a reason. You see, with WrestleFest 2010 coming up, there has been a lot of interests in my services, since I have certain ties to a certain wrestling mogul. Well, I got a phone call from some guy named Dana White. I thought Dana was a girls name, and I think that pissed him off when I told him because then he started dropping F-bombs all around. And I haven't heard from him since. But it got me thinking...I should start my own wrestling company!
But we all know me. We wll know I've got all of the talent in the world - when I want to use it. Why use all of my time trying to create a new brand that may or may not succeed? So I did the next best thing. I brought back the best wrestling company in the world! The WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION!!!!
Now, I know you are all thinking "Wait a minute? I just heard that a Panda owned the letters WWF when said in that order and sequence?" Fear not....because I present to you...MOMENTS AGO!
*We go back to a few moments ago where Eric O'Mac is sitting in a wrestling ring with The Panda.*
EOM:Alright Panda! You've ruined the letters WWF (in that order and sequence) long enough! I'm challenging you to a match! If I win, I win the the initials WWF! If you win, you gain nothing! Do you accept?
*Because the Panda was trained by Sting, he accepts by nodding his head.*
EOM: Alright, now, since this is a Viewer's Choice edition of Monday Night Raw, the viewers will choose! Go to WWE.com to vote! Will we engaged in an Arm-Wrestling Match? How about a debate? Or the final choice, an Hell in a Cell match? Vote now!
*After a few moments, the results come in!*
EOM: Survey says...
*The results show 0% for an Arm Wrestling Match, 0% for the Hell in a Cell match, and 100% for the debate!*
EOM: There we have it, we will engage in a debate! And I will start. We have one minute each! Ready? Alright, let's go!
*Eric rubs his chin for 55 seconds.*
EOM: Word.
*BZZZ! The timer goes off, with Eric only getting one word in!*
EOM: Wow, I really sucked it up that time. Only one word in a minute! OK, Panda it's your turn! Go!
*The Panda sits there because, you know, Pandas can't talk. BZZZT! Time is up!*
EOM: Wow, no words! I guess I win! But let's go to the judges! Judges?
Randy: Yo dog! Dawg, dawg, dawg, dawg Yo!
Paula: Um, you know, I'm not actually on this show, but I think both of you deserve a shot.
Simon: This is the worst debate in the history of debates. But it's clear that of the two of you, Eric O'Mac is the Master Debator.
EOM:Yes! I win the initials WWF! Suck on that, Panda!
*End Moments Ago.*
EOM: Wow, wasn't that amazing! Anyways, the WWF is here to stay! And we will have the best wrestling company in the entire world! With that being said, let me introduce to you, our first draft pick.....BRET "HITMAN" HART!
*Eric is sitting at a table....and a door on the other side of the camera is heard opening....but then the music cuts off!*
EOM: Oh yeah, that's right. I promised myself I wasn't going to give him a chance to screw me. So I traded him for...
*Kurt Angle walks into the frame, wearing a business suit and sits down next to Eric O'Mac.*
EOM: Kurt FREAKIN' Angle, welcome back to the WWF! Tell us your plans!
KA: It's pretty simple Eric...I'm the best wrestling the world. And since you are drafting the best talent in the world, I look forward to proving that night after night. I plan on being WWF Champion from the onset - no tournament in Brazil this time. I'll defeat anyone you place in front of me. You hear what I'm saying Eric? Because it's real. And not only is is real, it's true. It's DAMN true.
EOM: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kurt Angle! And if you think he's amazing, wait til you see the rest of the talent I have lined up for the WWF! I've got a vision! The vision is owned by some guy named Jim Jividen. And it's a vision much better than what my father offered up when he bought the WWF over 25 years ago! The best wrestling! Best production values! The best entertainment can only be found here - the World Wrestling Federation. Don't believe me? Get the F out!
*The camera fades into the WWF logo.*
My bad. We haven't hired all of the produciton people back. Let's try this...
**Eric O'Mac is a created character and will not be used in a wrestling capacity, storyline capacity, or any capacity once the draft is over in order for the WWF to be in compliance with the Chickenshit Heels draft rule.**