MNF 23/Male Bag 6
Jun 7, 2012 23:35:33 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Jun 7, 2012 23:35:33 GMT -5
Check out Monday Night Flaw 23 and MNF Male Bag 6 on iTunes, Stitcher and Flawedcast.net and then cast your votes!
Quebec Serpent
Bonjour Chris et Andy,
Je suis d'accord avec votre prise sur Christian. Du gars vieux, mais il peut encore aller un peu. Il doit absolument être utilisé pour mettre des gars plus jeunes plus à ce stade. Je suis également d'accord qu'il est une évidence intronisé Hall of Fame, et je crois qu'il va probablement obtenir un dernier titre court de monde courir avant qu'il est fait.
Impatient de votre prise sur la situation de Randy Orton. Je suis certain que vous allez faire plusieurs courriels, donc je vais juste dire qu'il n'est jamais une mauvaise chose lorsque Orton off TV. J'espère seulement qu'il obtient sa troisième et dernière violation de la route peu de temps.
En parlant de qui, vérifier le projet de maison de la Pun. C'est probablement votre choix.
En terminant, vous les gars devez aller facile sur Adam Dan. Vous seriez également un âne insupportable si votre chirurgie du cancer de la prostate vous avait laissé impuissant.
Le rire est le meilleur remède, mais je ne pense pas que Dan Adam comprend qu'il ne fonctionne pas si c'est des gens justes rire de lui.
Votre podcast peut régner plus longtemps que Adam Dan vit (six à huit mois).
En ce qui concerne,
El Serpiente québécois
Hello Chris and Andy,
I agree with your take on Christian. From old guy, but he can still go a little. It should definitely be used to put younger guys over at this stage. I also agree that it is a Obviously inducted Hall of Fame, and I think he'll probably get one last title run before world court it is made.
Looking forward to your take on the situation of Randy Orton. I'm sure you will do several emails, so I'll just say that it is never a bad thing when Orton off TV. I just hope he gets his third and final violation of the road shortly.
Speaking of which, check the house project of Pun. This is probably your choice.
In closing, you guys should go easy on Dan Adam. You'd also an insufferable ass if your surgery for prostate cancer you had left powerless.
Laughter is the best medicine, but I do not think that Adam understands that Dan does not work if people just laugh at him.
Your podcast can reign longer than Adam Dan lives (six to eight months).
As regards,
El Serpiente Quebec
Le Serpent Masque
Attention le serpent masqué !
Bonjour monsieur Gaston et M. Alt. C'est votre ami le Serpent Masqués
ici ! J'espère que vous avez retrouvé votre vitalité après avoir été
forcé à regarder le catch pour une autre semaine, oui ?
C'était une autre semaine exceptionnelle dans le monde du catch, ne
vous acceptez ? Le Big Show est beaucoup plus amusant lorsqu'il
obtient d'être le vrai monstre qu'il est. Il me rappelle de Andre the
Giant après que qu'il dirige de l'alcool. Vache sacrée ! Cet homme
sera fuck votre shit up ! Je pense que Alex Riley a encore mal à la
tête. Je ne regarde pas la WWE mais j'imagine que John Cena a fait
certaines choses. The Miz a également perdu un combat à Tyler Reks
probablement. AJ était encore complètement fou de batshit et Teddy
Long a chanté pour son souper.
Vous avez certainement une étrange collection de vagabonds de qui vous
recevez des lettres. Par exemple, est-ce vrai que M. Adam Dan a eu le
cancer ? Était-ce cancer du cerveau ? Ce serait facile de croire vu
comment terrible son écriture peut être. M. Cameron Gullet a une
grande variété de maladies transmissibles, oui ? Il est facile de dire
que c'est vrai compte tenu du fait qu'il a un nom français et une mère
qui vit sur les conseils de travailler dans une crêperie. Écrivain
champion de monde ancien de courrier électronique, Stu peu, n'est plus
l'homme qu'il fut. Ses lettres sont beaucoup trop longs. Ils font le
Serpent masqués très somnolent. Il doit s'appuyer sur le café fort
juste pour être en mesure de porter à l'écoute. Stu devrait prendre
une leçon de Notes de Cliff et juste nous donner les points saillants.
Il faut plus de temps pour lire sa lettre récapitulation qu'il le fait
en fait regarder le spectacle. Ses emails sont longues. Il est
certainement loin aussi divertissant que lundi soir IRREGULARITE
Impact Recapper, Scott 2 Hot Taylor. Ni est-il attrayant ou plus
doués. Nate Corbitt peut-être court, mais il est grand dans l'esprit.
De plus, j'ai entendu dire qu'il a un porc géant. Qui est plus que je
peux dire pour ce petit pénis JB King. Punsmaison.fr
Si les gens savent ce qui est bon pour eux, la volonté vote pour le
Serpent masqués devenir le Champion du monde de cette émission stupide
car il apportera classe et le style du titre de façon à aucun savage
mexicain ne pouvait espérer jamais approcher. Sérieusement. C'est
comme donner un règne de Juventude Gurrerra. Cela fait de vous lool
comme un tas de crétins de suivre stupides qui manque d'intelligence
ou de tout sentiment de dignité.
Amour,
Le Serpent Masqué
Beware the snake hidden!
Hello Mr. Gaston and Mr. Alt. This is your friend the Serpent Hidden
here! I hope you have found your vitality after
forced to watch wrestling for another week, yes?
It was another great week in wrestling, no
you agree? The Big Show is much more fun when
gets to be the real monster he is. It reminds me of Andre the
Giant after he leads alcohol. Holy cow! That man
will fuck your shit up! I think Alex Riley was still sore
head. I do not watch WWE but I guess John Cena
some things. The Miz has also lost a fight to Tyler Reks
probably. AJ was still completely batshit crazy and Teddy
Long sang for his supper.
You certainly have a strange collection of vagabonds who you
receive letters. For example, is it true that Mr. Adam had the Dan
Cancer? Was it brain cancer? It would be easy to believe seen
how terrible his writing can be. Mr. Cameron has a Gullet
wide variety of diseases, yes? It is easy to say
this is true given the fact that he has a French name and a mother
who lives on tips to work in a pancake. Writer
Former world champion e-mail, Stu little, is no longer
the man he was. His letters are much too long. They are the
Very sleepy serpent masked. It must rely on strong coffee
just to be able to be tuned. Stu should take
a lesson from Cliff Notes and just give us the highlights.
It takes longer to read his letter summarizing the fact that
actually watch the show. Emails are long. There is
certainly far as entertaining as Monday night flaw
Impact Recapper, 2 Hot Scott Taylor. Nor is it attractive or more
gifted. Nate Corbitt may be short, but great in spirit.
Also, I heard he has a giant pig. Which is more than I
can say that small penis JB King. Punsmaison.fr
If people know what is good for them, will vote for
Masked snake become the World Champion of the show stupid
because it will bring class and style of the title as to any savage
Mexico could never hope to approach. Seriously. This is
like giving a reign of Juventude Gurrerra. It makes you lool
like a bunch of morons who follow stupid lack of intelligence
or any sense of dignity.
Love,
The Hidden Serpent
Hodgey
Hey, Chrandy.
I could be way off, as my sole source for wrestling goings on is your podacst, but here's what I think is going on:
1. Bryan is going after Punk's title. Bryan is firmly a heel, and Punk is firmly a face. Kane is involved for some reason, and he's also a heel. This would make perfect sense, except that Kane has no interest in Punk or the title. He's all about Bryan. I don't get it.
2. Big Show is going after Cena. That's fine. I think it's been a few years since they did the Big Show FU spot, so some of Cena's fans (and DevSop's victims) might not have seen it. But why is Show going after Brodus Clay? How does getting him involved make sense? He's only going to be used to build Show up as a legit threat to Cena, then he'll be forgotten about for the pay-per-view. Seems like a waste.
So...why not Kane vs. Clay?
Also, which would you rather see happen first: Randy Orton's third wellness strike or the successful return of Adam Dan's cancer? Ideally, we'd get both, so Adam Dan's cancer kills him while Orton the cancer is killing TNA.
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
Hodgey
Dustin
Greetings from your only Straight-Edge emailer!
Here's an idea for discussion: Come up with your dream wrestling federation, choosing up to 14 current wrestlers from WWE, TNA or ROH and give the feuds. Can be singles or tag teams in your allotted picks. Also, you can choose two managers, one authority figure and one ambassador, a retired guy who can give you great PR and make occasional appearances to put over other talent.
Here's my list, which you don't have to read out loud: People listen to the podcast for yall not for me!
1. CM Punk (face) vs. Bobby Roode (heel) for the top belt.
2. Samoa Joe (face) vs. Daniel Bryan (heel) for the number one contender spot
3. Kofi Kingston (face) vs. Austin Aries (tweener) for the number two contender spot
4. The World's Greatest Tag-Team (heels) vs. The Kings of Wrestling (faces) for the tag title.
5. Cena and Ziggler (heels) vs. Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley (faces) for the number one tag contender
My authority figure is William Regal as a heel, and my ambassador is Shawn Michaels as a face.
Other short thoughts.
• Can you see WWE cutting ties with Orton in the near future? He's over with the fans, but not very trustworthy when it comes to staying clean
• If there was a Zombie apocalypse, which WWE wrestler would be the last to become infected?
And finally, I've come to realize that when it comes to emails, I'm the Dean Malenko of Flawedcast. Very efficient, but nothing too terribly exciting like JB King, whose email last week had me in tears from laughing so hard. Thanks to you both and the other emailers for making my mornings at work so damn entertaining.
Serpiente
Hola Señor Andy y Señor Chris,
La presentación de la Serpiente Enmascarada!
¡Felicitaciones JB King!
Bienvenido a la oficial "Principales Evento Mafioso".
Señor Andy: la semana que viene, Señor McMahon está evaluando John Laurinaitis.
¿Por favor, evalúe el Señor Chris Alt?
Perdón por los imitadores de la Serpiente Enmascarada.
Embarazoso.
Las falsificaciones son terribles.
¡Basta ya!
<sigh>
Nada.
No más.
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Fin.
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El fin del mundo.
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The End Of The World.
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It is time.
A familiar force has arrived to claim what is mine, and it will be the End of the World as you know it.
Time to end this charade.
Time to silence the wannabes.
Instead of contributing an original entertaining idea, they must steal from me.
But these fools will be forgotten. No more Spanish, or Italian or German or Klingon. Each of these anonymous cowards who wrote an anonymous email in an anonymous language are now listening and cringing.
Because Andy and Chris know they are mediocre, and you will hear the pity and disinterest in their voices as they try to get through these mediocre e-mails.
And you, the audience. You know they are mediocre.
And these hypocrites are learning the truth, too, that they are insignificant.
History will only care about this email. Because I am the Best In The World at what I do.
And I will not allow mediocrity to ruin this show any longer.
Just when you think you have all the answers, I change the questions.
I have raised the bar.
And I will raise it again.
I have become the face of Monday Night Flaw.
And it will never. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever. Be the same. A-GAIN!
I am your new hero.
I have come here to save you.
5
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Break the Walls Down!
WELCOME TO:
FLAW
IS
CLIFFS NOTES
You have witnessed the dawning of a new era. And a new era is what this podcast sorely needs! This was once a captivating, trend-setting program. Once upon a time, way back during Male Bag 3, this was a cutting edge podcast, but this show has now deteriorated into a cliched, boring, snoozefest, that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor.
Look at the facts. Voting at punshouse.com is in a downward spiral. This podcast is losing ratings. Because listeners are embarrassed to be here, and embarrassed to vote.
There has been a steady stream of uninteresting, mediocre, untalented "writers" emailing this show. I am embarrassed that you have had to listen to this garbage. You have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence.
No.
I am excellence. I am the one who has entertained you. I am the one who has carried a title for each of the last four weeks.
I know what this audience needs.
And now, you have a hero that can entertain you. You have an emailer that is good enough for you.
I have shined a light on the cockroaches, and now they will crawl back under a rock, and no longer produce mediocre masked e-mails.
Except....
MEDIOCRITY IS WHAT THIS AUDIENCE HAS ASKED FOR.
You had your chance at exceptional. You had your chance at cutting edge. You are all guilty of accepting mediocrity.
Andy. You had every chance to give a podcast to me. Or Stu and JB King. But instead... you gave one to Cam Gullet? What in the hell were you thinking? And you actually chose to publish Brian Van Alstyne in a FOUR HOUR PODCAST! Where are your standards man?
And Chris. You could have made this network better. But you are guilty of not even voting in the Male Bag. And allowing mediocrity to fester. And allowing Brian to continue talking for FOUR MOTHERLOVING HOURS. What is the matter with you?
But the voters at punshouse.com are also guilty.
Tom Roper gave his life to entertain you and nobody cared! Nobody commented on this! You callous sycophants!
JB King busts his balls every week, but you voters keep him down and mock his continued streak of second place finishes. Instead, you actually cast votes for Gran Serpiente and Adam Dan and Cam Gullet and The Masked Man. You encouraged mediocrity.
And finally... there is Serpiente Enmascarada. Yes, this was a clever gimmick that came from my obviously brilliant mind. I spent all of 10 minutes from the time I thought of it to the time I sent the e-mail. It was sent early in the week, and meant to be a funny curtain jerker. Of course it was excellent, and it was above the level of the Intercontinental Title, but I would have accepted it. And then I got to work on the real e-mail. The follow up to my championship winning e-mail, when Stu was dethroned. My follow up was epic. It was glorious. It was excellence. I spent hundreds of sleepless nights working on it, for your entertainment.
But you bastards didn't give me a single vote! You voted for Serpiente Marella! You had the chance at voting for greatness and a new World Championship Reign but you voted for a gimmick - which of course spawned more mediocre imitators. And Andy and Chris had the audacity to actually read these cheap imitators on the air!
You deserve every word of mediocrity from these hypocrites and wannabes!
And those of you that listen, but don't vote... you are just as guilty.
JB King now holds two belts. Well, even a blind squirrel can find a nut every now and then. No King, you are not the squirrel. It is the blind voters that finally got it right. If there is any justice, JB King will also stop entertaining this mediocre audience.
And King also has the IC Belt? That's brilliant Andy and Chris. Go ahead and give Cam another mental image for him to jerk off to. The history of the IC title is two stiff jobbers - Adam Dan and Cam Gullet - sandwiched around the handsome talent of me and King?
Hell, Vince McMahon is even trolling you! There's no other explanation for this weeks bizarrely mediocre Raw, except that he saw Cam Gullet's diary and was inspired. First Vince reads about Cam saying "FEED ME MORE" in a two-on-one with a couple of guys dressed in blue, and he thinks "yeah! that's a great idea for Ryback". Then he digs further into Cam's twisted mind and learns how Cam wants to be surrounded by three men in a complicated battle for his heart and body - one in a mask, one covered in tattoos, and one in a beard that says YES! YES! YES! - and Vince thinks "Yeah! that's a great idea for AJ". Then he reads as Cam loses all self respect and writes about his desires for a large muscular man to grab him, rip off Cam's shirt and pants, dump barbecue sauce all over his naked chest, and then furiously mount him in front of a national television audience! There is no other explanation for the illogical and mediocre program we witnessed on Monday night!!
I am the most charismatic e-mailer to ever appear on these sports entertainment podcasts. Last year we had the epic Summer of Punk. And you just witnessed the historical Spring of Cliff. And you sycophants and losers were too stupid to realize my brilliance.
You do not deserve my time.
Cliffs Notes.
Hello Mr Andy and Mr Chris,
The presentation of the masked snake!
Congratulations King JB!
Welcome to the official "Main event mafia".
Mr Andy: the next week, Mr McMahon is evaluating John Laurinaitis.
Please rate Mr Chris Alt?
Sorry for the masked snake imitators.
Embarrassing.
The fakes are terrible.
Stop already!
< sigh >
Anything.
No more.
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The end.
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The end of the world.
Nate
Dear Andy & Chris,
I've been listening to the show the past several months, biding my time, waiting for the right moment to send in another email and respond to "these kids today". So, like Sting in TNA, I've decided it's now time to make my semi annual return to the ring to reclaim my championship....only to never defend it.
Stu - We get it. You're a pissed off former champion who thinks the world is out to keep him from getting his belt back. By the way, Bret Hart called. He wants his gimmick back. Christ man! You whine more than one of DevSop's victi....er.....girlfriends. Here's a tip. You don't have to recap every show in your emails, no matter how funny you think you are. Andy and Chris do a fine job of that already.
And on the subject of Andy....Andy Gaston is one of the most narcissistic people I've ever met. Dude thinks he's another Rupert Murdoch when, in actuality, he's more like George Newman from Channel 62. And his Flawedcast "Network"? Holy shit! David Lee Roth replacing Howard Stern got a better reception than the shows on the Flawedcast Network. And yes, I'm including my own in that one.
Hey Chris? If you haven't already, insert your usual, "Nate is short joke here". Why not use the Game of Thrones reference? You haven't used that one in a couple weeks. You use a "reaching for something" line every week, so try to think of something different, ok? Ooh! How about a "Mini Me" quip? Those are ALWAYS relevant. And by the way, congrats on your new show with Jimmy from South Park (copyright James Ryan). I'm glad you've taken the heat off my show as the worst show on the Network. Just a thought, though. Don't promise your listeners that your show will be shorter than Army of Dorkness, only to go FOUR HOURS. Speaking of which, the irony of Dev saying he was giving up on a show because it was boring is not lost on me.
To Serpiente and all his clones - Listen! I don't pay you guys to sit at the computer all day. Now get back outside and finish mowing my lawn!
Cam Gullett- What can I say about Cam that hasn't already been said? Well, I'll give it a shot. Cam Gullett has choked more cocks than an assembly line worker at a Tyson plant. He's seen more stiffs than Quincy. Hey Andy. Do you know why Cam doesn't smoke after sex? One drag a night is enough. (Thank you. Make sure you tip your waitstaff.)
Adam Dan - I can't be too hard on Adam. He did survive cancer and all. But I still can't believe that out of millions of sperm, he was the fastest. I wonder if his parents ever received their apology from Trojan?
JB King.......(As I write this, it looks like JB is going to get his first World Championship! Fuck! This was funnier when he was a perennial runner-up.) And there he was: reigning supreme at number two. JB King has become the Buffalo Bills of Monday Night Flaw. I really do feel bad for him. I mean, hell, even I have a World Championship. Don't worry, I'm sure Andy will give you a Kane-like "thank you for being loyal" title run one of these days.
I'd end this email with an actual wrestling question, but fuck it! No one else seems to ask anything wrestling related anymore, so I'll just plug my show. Listen to Wait 'Til Next Year, recorded every Wednesday night and posted online whenever Andy gets around to it.
--
Nate Corbitt | Pun's House
Cam
Hey guys so I just finished listening to the recap show and thanks for all of the kind words you said about me. Now go fuck your mothers. At least yours haven't already been fucked to death by Tiger Woods. RIP Mom.
Congrats to JB King for finally winning the title. I can't wait for his emails to spiral out of control faster than Heath Ledger at an Olsen twins party.
Are the Serpiente gimmicks deader than Kanyon yet? God I hope so.
Chris, you are a not a piece of shit for not liking the Wire, you are a piece of shit for liking New Girl, but at least you weren't the one who actually wanted to spend 45 minutes talking about the fucking CW. Thanks for treating our ears like they were a 13 year old girl trapped in your basement there DevSop.
I haven't mentioned wrestling yet because nothing good happened this week, kinda like an issue of Army of Dorkness! CamSlam.com!
Now just to fuck with that yellow piece of shit Homer:
Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett!!!!
JB King
Hey guys, well it looks like I lose again and…wait….I won? Really? Okay, well lets get this out of the way then…
HEY EVERYBODY! WERE ALL GONNA GET LAID!
(((Kenny Loggins: I’m Alright)))
Glad to get that Monkey off my back, and im not talking about the one Cam Gullet contracted his AIDS from. That’s right were going to have fun tonight. I’m not going to make outrageous demands or anything were just going to have a blast. Thank God I won by the way, because I was seriously scraping the bottom of the barrel for anything left, and all I found was a TNA run sheet. Speaking of which thanks Chris for stepping up and being hilarious for once. Do you know I legitimately scratched off a Brooke Hogan and Londrick joke this morning? Where was this fire before? Were you doing your usual stay at home laundry bitch work the other day and discovered your balls in your wifes back pocket? I haven’t seen this Chris pissed off and upset since his doctor said “It’s a girl!” OH GODAMNIT I DIDN’T MEAN THAT SORRY! SERIOUSLY IT’S THE IC BELT NOT ME!
Good job you idiots you gave me the intercontinental belt. A belt I never asked for. Do you think I like making fun of Junior Seau, Adam Dan, Martha Hart or Chris’ family? Now I pretty much HAVE TO.Now I have go way too far to win and keep this damn thing. Am I going to have to Goldberg this title and just destroy everyone for 8 months? By the way Andy I will apologize for the minor spelling errors when you apologize for your voice. You make Ahmed Johnson sound like Morgan Freeman. (BEEFSTEW&REEFS.COM)
As a champion I understand that this will not be easy and nothing will be handed to me. I mean seriously, what helpless bitch do you think I am? Adam Dan in Chemo? GODDAMNIT NOT AGAIN. Well, like DevSop would say when a little girl is waking up from her chloroform induced coma “I better enjoy this while I can” (BRYANSVAN.RAPE) See Cam, that’s called a set up and a punch line. I hope you can learn this concept quickly. See I look to MNF, wrestling, and funny things I read or see on tv for inspirational jokes. The only thing you stare at is some random guys bellybutton as you servicing him. So Cam just started getting into the Wire? Jesus Christ, how can I guy that prematures THAT much always be so late on everything?(OOPSTHISNEVERHAPPENEDBEFORE.CAM) Remember, just because one actor makes a homosexual character look badass doesn’t mean you are. But enough about that pickle kisser, onto Nate.
Nate Corbitt reminds me a lot of that random DBZ character named Krillin. They are both bald, short, pathetic, and get tossed around every episode. You can also compare Wait til Next year to Dragonball Z. And by that I mean it takes 8 episodes and four additional hours for it to get to the point. I can already see him flailing his baby like arms in anger over that joke , like a baby t-rex on meth. But enough about that smurf onto Stu.
Hey Stu I don’t have anything bad to say about you and hope you keep bringing the heat. However, stop pandering to Andy with Dr. Who jokes. You do realize this is Monday Night Flaw right? You have to pander to Nate, Cliff, Adam Dan, Cam and the rest of the retards from “Da Souf”. And because you cant just giggle your keys in front of them through a podacast, my suggestion is to lower your level and start doing Storage War jokes. YYUUUUUUUUPP!
THIS JUST IN! CAM GULLET JUST SAW THIS AWESOME NEW MOVIE CALLED CITIZEN KANE!
Finally, sucks to you be Serpiente. I would be making fun of you right now but I know I already did earlier by your other alias.
THIS JUST IN! CAM GULLET JUST DISCOVERED THIS AWESOME NEW JOINT CALLED MCDONALDS!
Oh Godamnit, is Chris Corpsing? SEND FOR THE MAN!
(((Michael Jackson’s Beat it)))
Christ do I miss Savage. See Andy, your not the only one that can quote Botchamania. (BOTCHAMNIA.COM/FAAAAKINBULLSHIIIITTT) Anyway I think I covered my ground for the IC Belt so lets go back to the questions. HEY GUYS REMEMBER WHEN WE TALKED ABOUT WRESTLING?
Question One: How did Chris NOT enjoy the 16 candles rape tribute the John Cena gave to Michael Cole? See Andy we DO remember jokes from 1984! Anyway Chris, for a guy who appreciates what Heidenreich did I would assume you’d get rock hard for this. I haven’t seen an asshole from Massachusetts beat up a faggot like that since I read Mitt Romneys memoirs. Which makes me realize forget about BE A STAR and get ready to SMACKDOWN YOUR VOTE! What hilarious antics are we going to see come voting time? More Donald Trump bullshit? Linda cameos? Fake Obama dancing with Brodus Clay? SOMEBODY CALL OBAMA! SOMEBODY CALL OBAMA! Just wanted your thoughts on politics ruining wrestling. P.S. I know this is a political related question Chris but seriously don’t go over board. Calm down Bill Maher this aint a fucking rally.
Question Two: Looks like Im going to have to fire Tyler Perry presents: Truth and Kofiquences from that manure farm, because they cant sell shit. Did they even try to sell their injuries on Raw or are bandaids the hip thing for black rapper to wear again? Anyway, it reminded me of all the fake casts and neck braces people wore in wrestling. From Bob Orton, D’Lo Brown, Cody Rhodes, Joel Gertner etc. What is some of your favorite milked injuries from wrestling?
THIS JUST IN! CAM GULLET FINDS JALEPENOS SPICY!
Question Three: The Dustin Faber S-R-S question of the night! What return appearances are you looking forward to for the 1000th episode on Raw? Im sure the usual legends will be there but I want something extraordinary. Give me a Gangrel w/ edge and Christian edge and Christian Brood entrance again. Let me see Steiner do a English lesson for Santino. Let me see Goldberg bump into Ryback. Let me see Sin Cara work a good match. Just my thoughts, what do you guys want to see?
So I guess that’s it. I guess now I would have to consider worrying about Cam and Adam coming after my IC Belt. Am I worried? Nah. I have already thought this out. You see, normally when you go one on one with another emailer you’ve got a 50/50 chance of winning. But Dan has cancer and hes not normal. So he has a 25% at best of beating me. Then you throw Cam Guzzlet in the mix… Your chances of winning DRASTIC GO DOWN! So in a 3 way you’ve got a 33 1/3 chance of winning. BUT I! I VE GOTTA 66 2/3 chance of winning because Cam KNOWS he cant beat me so hes NOT EVEN GONNA TRY. So Dan you take your 33 1/3 chance minus my 25% chance, AND YOU’VE GOTTA 8 1/3 chance of winning! But then you take my 75 percen- CHANCE of winning (If we was to go one on one) AND THEN ADD 66 2/3 ch- er…percents….I GOTTA 141 2/3 chance of winning this week! You see Dan, THE NUMBER DON’T LIE! AND THEY SPELL DISASTER FOR YOU…or cancer I don’t know.
I told you would have fun tonight! So lets end this party right and dance!
(((Journey: Anyway you want it)))
Love peace and caddyshack references
Johnny
Stu
Hey guys,
Oh wait, I mean...FUCK YOU GUYS! The Heelification continues and I'm here this week to bring my wrath to you two, because I think more than anyone it's YOU who's to blame for my fall from grace. Chris, you want to criticise me for my e-mail's being too long? Well that's fucking rich coming from the co-presenter of the biblical epic that was TV For Vendetta Episode 1, or Volume 1, which is more appropriate. And by the way, great idea doing a 4 hour long show where one of the hosts has a speech impediment. No, I'm not talking about Brian, but YOU! You stumble over more words than Cam stumbles over used dildos when he wakes up in the morning. You don't even know how to pronounce Glasgow correctly. The "w" is silent, you prick! I get saddled with you, rather than your more coherent, albeit drunker cohort Andy. God, I just hope you aren't jacking off to E3 footage while you read this out. So forthwith, I DEMAND the rest of this e-mail be read out by Andy. I refuse to continue until this demand is met. No one else's e-mail will be read otherwise.
*wait for Andy to take over*
Okay good...screw you Andy, you giggling pipe smoking fuck! If you really want to emulate Sherlock Holmes so badly, why don't you go jump off a waterfall, or failing that, develop a coke habit, only in your case, don't get cured before you suffer an overdose. The only thing worse than your giggling is your editing. The reason Army of Dorkness 4 ran for 2 and a half hours is because 90 minutes of that was the full length songs you dropped into the mix just because James and Cam mentioned them. We got the joke after the first 20 seconds of each. Brevity is the soul of wit. But I guess I shouldn't expect that from a guy who keeps the sound of his own belches in the recordings. At least I hope it's belches. Otherwise Cam Gullet has some of the most terrifying sounding queefs imaginable. Also, is it just a coincidence that you're so anti-semitic whilst also having the name of a character from a Disney movie?
Now it's time to put yesterday's news, El Serpiente Enmascarada, in his place. I want Andy to read this, because as I've noted, Chris has enough trouble reading stuff written out in english without having to deal with espanol...unless he's putting on a flamingly gay accent. Just saying.
El Serpiente Enmascarada: Hablé con su padre y el Serpiente original, El Serpiente Enmascadara Clásico. Clásico me dijo que su madre era una prostituta americano. Si, es verdad. Su hermano es Cam Gullet AKA El Serpiente Pantalones! ¡Ay Caramba! Lo peor de todo, su niñera (o en inglés "babysitter") fue Brian VanAlstyne. Lo Siento. Lo siento mucho.
JB King- congratulations. Forget what I said last week. JOIN ME. With my recent Heel turn, I could do with starting a faction.
Zom Roper: How are you still around? You botched shooting yourself in the head? I guess there's only one response I can give- YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP!
-SmackDown opened with Sheamus coming out to gloat about attacking a man from behind last week, justifying his actions by saying he wanted to let ADR know he wasn't going to kiss his arse. Well of course not. David Otunga could jump out of there and Tung Punch you. Speaking of which, out comes Otunga. He's filling in for Laurinaits tonight(even though we later learn he was there all along, so I don't know what the point of that was). He wants Sheamus to finally apologise for running into Laurinaitis a week ago, but Sheamus isn't impressed by Otunga. Not even with his Harvard Law Degree, because he knows it's written on psychic paper. They're interrupted by ADR, who Otunga informs can choose Sheamus' opponent for the evening. Sheamus forgets he's not supposed to hit officials and just Brogue kicks Otunga in response. Silence Will Fall, motherfucker!
-Sin Cara made his long awaited return to take on Heath Slater. This is about the closest you'll ever get to a family reunion between Cam Gullet and Serpiente. And guys, the real reason his trampoline was gone is because Brian VanAlstyne stole it to put the finishing touches on his playpen, or as he calls it "ambush". Sin Cara wins with his new finisher which is basically a set up for a crossface...but with no crossface. Yeah, that's way more impressive than a backwards somersault Rock Bottom off the top rope. Just like taking the Green Bay Plunge away from Mr. Kennedy and giving him the flatliner instead did wonders for him.
-Ryback defeated the team of Chris Lyons and Ryan Shelton. Before hitting both of them at once with his finisher, he yelled out "Two Are Better Than One!". That's not homoerotic at all. Then he dropped the two sweaty guys in a pile which he then mounted to get the pin. Hmm.
-The Useless Black Guys from NXT are no more. They've been rechristened. Let them now be known as The Useless Black Guys From Primetime. And they certainly live up to their name as they job to Santino and Zack Ryder. Celebrations are cut short however as Big Show arrives to continue his mid-card massacre, laying waste to both men, ending by bending Santino over some steel steps and making him humble, I believe is the term. Hey, it's a pre-taped show. Who knows what they edited out?
-Cody Rhodes also took on Tyson kid, as Christian joined the commentary table. He does nothing to dispell the accusations of being old by the fact that he's dressed like Arlo Givens from Justified, or by saying that he was 13 years old when George Foreman won the title. I'll point out that he never said it was the LAST time Foreman won it. I can forgive Christian's defensiveness though. The IC Title means a lot to him. He was Pat Patterson's opponent in the final of the original tournament in Rio after all. Cody beats Tyson and leaves when Christian yells "Get off my lawn!" because he forgets where he is sometimes.
-Monday Night Raw opened with Michael Cole interviewing Cena, and Cena once again playing the "Laurinaitis would have been fired" card when complaining about Big Show's actions. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the board want to fire Laurinaitis after he performed a beatdown on Cena, only Cena talked them out of it because he wanted to have his stupid match? Nice job, prick. But Johnny shows up and to show he's a nice guy, let's Cena pick his opponent for the evening. When Cena can't pick Laurinaitis(an invalid), he instead goes for Cole (an announcer). So first he took last week off(still no explanation for that, by the way), and now he picks the easiest opponent imaginable. Don't strain yourself, Mr. Rise Above Hate. It's just a shame Chemo-era Adam Dan wasn't available.
-Sheamus beat Ziggler, in a rematch from SmackDown. Afterwards, he's attacked by ADR who locks him into the Cross Armbreaker, which counter to its name, doesn't actually break the arm, despite the duration or the angle. It's like how a neckbreaker as never broken a neck, or how Piledriver would really be a more appropriate name for the Atomic Drop when you think about it.
-Backstage, Johnny Ace is informed that Vince McMahon will be on the show next week to do a job evaluation. I hope CM Punk crashes it. Not because I want him to rip into Vince. I want an update on the Ice Cream bar situation. It's been almost a year, goddammit!
-Hunico and Sin Cara locked up, while Cole and King dealt with the sponsorship plugs. Including Just For Men. Perfect product placement for all those grey haired 8 year olds watching Monday Night Raw. Including Nate Corbitt. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
-Ryback took on Stan Stansky and Arthur Rosenberg. Just like on SmackDown. Yeah, we get it. He can beat up jobbers. This shit's so repetitive that when the two did their poem it made me think I WOULD like to see Heidenreich return to get into a feud with Ryback.
-Punk took on Kane, in ANOTHER rematch from SmackDown. Goddammit Sheamus! This is why you don't Brogue Kick a Timelord. It fucks the timeline up and makes history repeat itself!
-Punk took on Kane, in ANOTHER rematch from SmackDown. Goddammit Sheamus! This is why you don't Brogue Kick a Timelord. It fucks the timeline up and makes history repeat itself!
-Backstage, AJ hit on Josh Matthews. Sorry Layla, Beth, Nattie etc. WWE counts this as their 5 minutes of pushing the women's division. Though it would be worth it if Kharma returned as Punk's new girlfriend.
-Kofi and Truth took on Reks and Hawkins. Not because the latter have any value, but because Big Show has decimated the midcard with his random attacks to the point that these are the dregs that are left. Reks and Hawkins and officially the 4th and 5th most important people in this match after Little Jimmy after all. You remember when Primo and Epico were supposed to be getting advice from Abraham Washington? What happened with that?
-Cena had to face Tensai before he could take on Cole. I'll just say it plainly...if you run this match one more fucking time, and Tensai ISN'T doing the Hip Hop Hippo gimmick, I'm done WWE.
-Cena and Cole's match may be lame in and of itself, but if you choose to interpret it as Cena imagining Cole is his enstranged wife, it has a much more compellingly dark appeal. It's sorta feasible too, as Cole is about as good looking as Mrs. Cena is.
Anyway, that's it for this week. Don't make me get raw on you two again next week.
Stu
The masked snake: Spoke with his father and the original snake, the snake Enmascadara classic. Classic told me that his mother was an American prostitute. If it is true. His brother is Cam Gullet AKA the snake pants! Ay Caramba! Worst of all, her nurse (or in English "babysitter") was Brian VanAlstyne. I am sorry. I'm sorry.
Quebec Serpent
Bonjour Chris et Andy,
Je suis d'accord avec votre prise sur Christian. Du gars vieux, mais il peut encore aller un peu. Il doit absolument être utilisé pour mettre des gars plus jeunes plus à ce stade. Je suis également d'accord qu'il est une évidence intronisé Hall of Fame, et je crois qu'il va probablement obtenir un dernier titre court de monde courir avant qu'il est fait.
Impatient de votre prise sur la situation de Randy Orton. Je suis certain que vous allez faire plusieurs courriels, donc je vais juste dire qu'il n'est jamais une mauvaise chose lorsque Orton off TV. J'espère seulement qu'il obtient sa troisième et dernière violation de la route peu de temps.
En parlant de qui, vérifier le projet de maison de la Pun. C'est probablement votre choix.
En terminant, vous les gars devez aller facile sur Adam Dan. Vous seriez également un âne insupportable si votre chirurgie du cancer de la prostate vous avait laissé impuissant.
Le rire est le meilleur remède, mais je ne pense pas que Dan Adam comprend qu'il ne fonctionne pas si c'est des gens justes rire de lui.
Votre podcast peut régner plus longtemps que Adam Dan vit (six à huit mois).
En ce qui concerne,
El Serpiente québécois
Hello Chris and Andy,
I agree with your take on Christian. From old guy, but he can still go a little. It should definitely be used to put younger guys over at this stage. I also agree that it is a Obviously inducted Hall of Fame, and I think he'll probably get one last title run before world court it is made.
Looking forward to your take on the situation of Randy Orton. I'm sure you will do several emails, so I'll just say that it is never a bad thing when Orton off TV. I just hope he gets his third and final violation of the road shortly.
Speaking of which, check the house project of Pun. This is probably your choice.
In closing, you guys should go easy on Dan Adam. You'd also an insufferable ass if your surgery for prostate cancer you had left powerless.
Laughter is the best medicine, but I do not think that Adam understands that Dan does not work if people just laugh at him.
Your podcast can reign longer than Adam Dan lives (six to eight months).
As regards,
El Serpiente Quebec
Le Serpent Masque
Attention le serpent masqué !
Bonjour monsieur Gaston et M. Alt. C'est votre ami le Serpent Masqués
ici ! J'espère que vous avez retrouvé votre vitalité après avoir été
forcé à regarder le catch pour une autre semaine, oui ?
C'était une autre semaine exceptionnelle dans le monde du catch, ne
vous acceptez ? Le Big Show est beaucoup plus amusant lorsqu'il
obtient d'être le vrai monstre qu'il est. Il me rappelle de Andre the
Giant après que qu'il dirige de l'alcool. Vache sacrée ! Cet homme
sera fuck votre shit up ! Je pense que Alex Riley a encore mal à la
tête. Je ne regarde pas la WWE mais j'imagine que John Cena a fait
certaines choses. The Miz a également perdu un combat à Tyler Reks
probablement. AJ était encore complètement fou de batshit et Teddy
Long a chanté pour son souper.
Vous avez certainement une étrange collection de vagabonds de qui vous
recevez des lettres. Par exemple, est-ce vrai que M. Adam Dan a eu le
cancer ? Était-ce cancer du cerveau ? Ce serait facile de croire vu
comment terrible son écriture peut être. M. Cameron Gullet a une
grande variété de maladies transmissibles, oui ? Il est facile de dire
que c'est vrai compte tenu du fait qu'il a un nom français et une mère
qui vit sur les conseils de travailler dans une crêperie. Écrivain
champion de monde ancien de courrier électronique, Stu peu, n'est plus
l'homme qu'il fut. Ses lettres sont beaucoup trop longs. Ils font le
Serpent masqués très somnolent. Il doit s'appuyer sur le café fort
juste pour être en mesure de porter à l'écoute. Stu devrait prendre
une leçon de Notes de Cliff et juste nous donner les points saillants.
Il faut plus de temps pour lire sa lettre récapitulation qu'il le fait
en fait regarder le spectacle. Ses emails sont longues. Il est
certainement loin aussi divertissant que lundi soir IRREGULARITE
Impact Recapper, Scott 2 Hot Taylor. Ni est-il attrayant ou plus
doués. Nate Corbitt peut-être court, mais il est grand dans l'esprit.
De plus, j'ai entendu dire qu'il a un porc géant. Qui est plus que je
peux dire pour ce petit pénis JB King. Punsmaison.fr
Si les gens savent ce qui est bon pour eux, la volonté vote pour le
Serpent masqués devenir le Champion du monde de cette émission stupide
car il apportera classe et le style du titre de façon à aucun savage
mexicain ne pouvait espérer jamais approcher. Sérieusement. C'est
comme donner un règne de Juventude Gurrerra. Cela fait de vous lool
comme un tas de crétins de suivre stupides qui manque d'intelligence
ou de tout sentiment de dignité.
Amour,
Le Serpent Masqué
Beware the snake hidden!
Hello Mr. Gaston and Mr. Alt. This is your friend the Serpent Hidden
here! I hope you have found your vitality after
forced to watch wrestling for another week, yes?
It was another great week in wrestling, no
you agree? The Big Show is much more fun when
gets to be the real monster he is. It reminds me of Andre the
Giant after he leads alcohol. Holy cow! That man
will fuck your shit up! I think Alex Riley was still sore
head. I do not watch WWE but I guess John Cena
some things. The Miz has also lost a fight to Tyler Reks
probably. AJ was still completely batshit crazy and Teddy
Long sang for his supper.
You certainly have a strange collection of vagabonds who you
receive letters. For example, is it true that Mr. Adam had the Dan
Cancer? Was it brain cancer? It would be easy to believe seen
how terrible his writing can be. Mr. Cameron has a Gullet
wide variety of diseases, yes? It is easy to say
this is true given the fact that he has a French name and a mother
who lives on tips to work in a pancake. Writer
Former world champion e-mail, Stu little, is no longer
the man he was. His letters are much too long. They are the
Very sleepy serpent masked. It must rely on strong coffee
just to be able to be tuned. Stu should take
a lesson from Cliff Notes and just give us the highlights.
It takes longer to read his letter summarizing the fact that
actually watch the show. Emails are long. There is
certainly far as entertaining as Monday night flaw
Impact Recapper, 2 Hot Scott Taylor. Nor is it attractive or more
gifted. Nate Corbitt may be short, but great in spirit.
Also, I heard he has a giant pig. Which is more than I
can say that small penis JB King. Punsmaison.fr
If people know what is good for them, will vote for
Masked snake become the World Champion of the show stupid
because it will bring class and style of the title as to any savage
Mexico could never hope to approach. Seriously. This is
like giving a reign of Juventude Gurrerra. It makes you lool
like a bunch of morons who follow stupid lack of intelligence
or any sense of dignity.
Love,
The Hidden Serpent
Hodgey
Hey, Chrandy.
I could be way off, as my sole source for wrestling goings on is your podacst, but here's what I think is going on:
1. Bryan is going after Punk's title. Bryan is firmly a heel, and Punk is firmly a face. Kane is involved for some reason, and he's also a heel. This would make perfect sense, except that Kane has no interest in Punk or the title. He's all about Bryan. I don't get it.
2. Big Show is going after Cena. That's fine. I think it's been a few years since they did the Big Show FU spot, so some of Cena's fans (and DevSop's victims) might not have seen it. But why is Show going after Brodus Clay? How does getting him involved make sense? He's only going to be used to build Show up as a legit threat to Cena, then he'll be forgotten about for the pay-per-view. Seems like a waste.
So...why not Kane vs. Clay?
Also, which would you rather see happen first: Randy Orton's third wellness strike or the successful return of Adam Dan's cancer? Ideally, we'd get both, so Adam Dan's cancer kills him while Orton the cancer is killing TNA.
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
Hodgey
Dustin
Greetings from your only Straight-Edge emailer!
Here's an idea for discussion: Come up with your dream wrestling federation, choosing up to 14 current wrestlers from WWE, TNA or ROH and give the feuds. Can be singles or tag teams in your allotted picks. Also, you can choose two managers, one authority figure and one ambassador, a retired guy who can give you great PR and make occasional appearances to put over other talent.
Here's my list, which you don't have to read out loud: People listen to the podcast for yall not for me!
1. CM Punk (face) vs. Bobby Roode (heel) for the top belt.
2. Samoa Joe (face) vs. Daniel Bryan (heel) for the number one contender spot
3. Kofi Kingston (face) vs. Austin Aries (tweener) for the number two contender spot
4. The World's Greatest Tag-Team (heels) vs. The Kings of Wrestling (faces) for the tag title.
5. Cena and Ziggler (heels) vs. Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley (faces) for the number one tag contender
My authority figure is William Regal as a heel, and my ambassador is Shawn Michaels as a face.
Other short thoughts.
• Can you see WWE cutting ties with Orton in the near future? He's over with the fans, but not very trustworthy when it comes to staying clean
• If there was a Zombie apocalypse, which WWE wrestler would be the last to become infected?
And finally, I've come to realize that when it comes to emails, I'm the Dean Malenko of Flawedcast. Very efficient, but nothing too terribly exciting like JB King, whose email last week had me in tears from laughing so hard. Thanks to you both and the other emailers for making my mornings at work so damn entertaining.
Serpiente
Hola Señor Andy y Señor Chris,
La presentación de la Serpiente Enmascarada!
¡Felicitaciones JB King!
Bienvenido a la oficial "Principales Evento Mafioso".
Señor Andy: la semana que viene, Señor McMahon está evaluando John Laurinaitis.
¿Por favor, evalúe el Señor Chris Alt?
Perdón por los imitadores de la Serpiente Enmascarada.
Embarazoso.
Las falsificaciones son terribles.
¡Basta ya!
<sigh>
Nada.
No más.
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Fin.
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El fin del mundo.
...
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The End Of The World.
...
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It is time.
A familiar force has arrived to claim what is mine, and it will be the End of the World as you know it.
Time to end this charade.
Time to silence the wannabes.
Instead of contributing an original entertaining idea, they must steal from me.
But these fools will be forgotten. No more Spanish, or Italian or German or Klingon. Each of these anonymous cowards who wrote an anonymous email in an anonymous language are now listening and cringing.
Because Andy and Chris know they are mediocre, and you will hear the pity and disinterest in their voices as they try to get through these mediocre e-mails.
And you, the audience. You know they are mediocre.
And these hypocrites are learning the truth, too, that they are insignificant.
History will only care about this email. Because I am the Best In The World at what I do.
And I will not allow mediocrity to ruin this show any longer.
Just when you think you have all the answers, I change the questions.
I have raised the bar.
And I will raise it again.
I have become the face of Monday Night Flaw.
And it will never. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever. Be the same. A-GAIN!
I am your new hero.
I have come here to save you.
5
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4
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3
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2
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1
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Break the Walls Down!
WELCOME TO:
FLAW
IS
CLIFFS NOTES
You have witnessed the dawning of a new era. And a new era is what this podcast sorely needs! This was once a captivating, trend-setting program. Once upon a time, way back during Male Bag 3, this was a cutting edge podcast, but this show has now deteriorated into a cliched, boring, snoozefest, that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor.
Look at the facts. Voting at punshouse.com is in a downward spiral. This podcast is losing ratings. Because listeners are embarrassed to be here, and embarrassed to vote.
There has been a steady stream of uninteresting, mediocre, untalented "writers" emailing this show. I am embarrassed that you have had to listen to this garbage. You have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence.
No.
I am excellence. I am the one who has entertained you. I am the one who has carried a title for each of the last four weeks.
I know what this audience needs.
And now, you have a hero that can entertain you. You have an emailer that is good enough for you.
I have shined a light on the cockroaches, and now they will crawl back under a rock, and no longer produce mediocre masked e-mails.
Except....
MEDIOCRITY IS WHAT THIS AUDIENCE HAS ASKED FOR.
You had your chance at exceptional. You had your chance at cutting edge. You are all guilty of accepting mediocrity.
Andy. You had every chance to give a podcast to me. Or Stu and JB King. But instead... you gave one to Cam Gullet? What in the hell were you thinking? And you actually chose to publish Brian Van Alstyne in a FOUR HOUR PODCAST! Where are your standards man?
And Chris. You could have made this network better. But you are guilty of not even voting in the Male Bag. And allowing mediocrity to fester. And allowing Brian to continue talking for FOUR MOTHERLOVING HOURS. What is the matter with you?
But the voters at punshouse.com are also guilty.
Tom Roper gave his life to entertain you and nobody cared! Nobody commented on this! You callous sycophants!
JB King busts his balls every week, but you voters keep him down and mock his continued streak of second place finishes. Instead, you actually cast votes for Gran Serpiente and Adam Dan and Cam Gullet and The Masked Man. You encouraged mediocrity.
And finally... there is Serpiente Enmascarada. Yes, this was a clever gimmick that came from my obviously brilliant mind. I spent all of 10 minutes from the time I thought of it to the time I sent the e-mail. It was sent early in the week, and meant to be a funny curtain jerker. Of course it was excellent, and it was above the level of the Intercontinental Title, but I would have accepted it. And then I got to work on the real e-mail. The follow up to my championship winning e-mail, when Stu was dethroned. My follow up was epic. It was glorious. It was excellence. I spent hundreds of sleepless nights working on it, for your entertainment.
But you bastards didn't give me a single vote! You voted for Serpiente Marella! You had the chance at voting for greatness and a new World Championship Reign but you voted for a gimmick - which of course spawned more mediocre imitators. And Andy and Chris had the audacity to actually read these cheap imitators on the air!
You deserve every word of mediocrity from these hypocrites and wannabes!
And those of you that listen, but don't vote... you are just as guilty.
JB King now holds two belts. Well, even a blind squirrel can find a nut every now and then. No King, you are not the squirrel. It is the blind voters that finally got it right. If there is any justice, JB King will also stop entertaining this mediocre audience.
And King also has the IC Belt? That's brilliant Andy and Chris. Go ahead and give Cam another mental image for him to jerk off to. The history of the IC title is two stiff jobbers - Adam Dan and Cam Gullet - sandwiched around the handsome talent of me and King?
Hell, Vince McMahon is even trolling you! There's no other explanation for this weeks bizarrely mediocre Raw, except that he saw Cam Gullet's diary and was inspired. First Vince reads about Cam saying "FEED ME MORE" in a two-on-one with a couple of guys dressed in blue, and he thinks "yeah! that's a great idea for Ryback". Then he digs further into Cam's twisted mind and learns how Cam wants to be surrounded by three men in a complicated battle for his heart and body - one in a mask, one covered in tattoos, and one in a beard that says YES! YES! YES! - and Vince thinks "Yeah! that's a great idea for AJ". Then he reads as Cam loses all self respect and writes about his desires for a large muscular man to grab him, rip off Cam's shirt and pants, dump barbecue sauce all over his naked chest, and then furiously mount him in front of a national television audience! There is no other explanation for the illogical and mediocre program we witnessed on Monday night!!
I am the most charismatic e-mailer to ever appear on these sports entertainment podcasts. Last year we had the epic Summer of Punk. And you just witnessed the historical Spring of Cliff. And you sycophants and losers were too stupid to realize my brilliance.
You do not deserve my time.
Cliffs Notes.
Hello Mr Andy and Mr Chris,
The presentation of the masked snake!
Congratulations King JB!
Welcome to the official "Main event mafia".
Mr Andy: the next week, Mr McMahon is evaluating John Laurinaitis.
Please rate Mr Chris Alt?
Sorry for the masked snake imitators.
Embarrassing.
The fakes are terrible.
Stop already!
< sigh >
Anything.
No more.
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The end.
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The end of the world.
Nate
Dear Andy & Chris,
I've been listening to the show the past several months, biding my time, waiting for the right moment to send in another email and respond to "these kids today". So, like Sting in TNA, I've decided it's now time to make my semi annual return to the ring to reclaim my championship....only to never defend it.
Stu - We get it. You're a pissed off former champion who thinks the world is out to keep him from getting his belt back. By the way, Bret Hart called. He wants his gimmick back. Christ man! You whine more than one of DevSop's victi....er.....girlfriends. Here's a tip. You don't have to recap every show in your emails, no matter how funny you think you are. Andy and Chris do a fine job of that already.
And on the subject of Andy....Andy Gaston is one of the most narcissistic people I've ever met. Dude thinks he's another Rupert Murdoch when, in actuality, he's more like George Newman from Channel 62. And his Flawedcast "Network"? Holy shit! David Lee Roth replacing Howard Stern got a better reception than the shows on the Flawedcast Network. And yes, I'm including my own in that one.
Hey Chris? If you haven't already, insert your usual, "Nate is short joke here". Why not use the Game of Thrones reference? You haven't used that one in a couple weeks. You use a "reaching for something" line every week, so try to think of something different, ok? Ooh! How about a "Mini Me" quip? Those are ALWAYS relevant. And by the way, congrats on your new show with Jimmy from South Park (copyright James Ryan). I'm glad you've taken the heat off my show as the worst show on the Network. Just a thought, though. Don't promise your listeners that your show will be shorter than Army of Dorkness, only to go FOUR HOURS. Speaking of which, the irony of Dev saying he was giving up on a show because it was boring is not lost on me.
To Serpiente and all his clones - Listen! I don't pay you guys to sit at the computer all day. Now get back outside and finish mowing my lawn!
Cam Gullett- What can I say about Cam that hasn't already been said? Well, I'll give it a shot. Cam Gullett has choked more cocks than an assembly line worker at a Tyson plant. He's seen more stiffs than Quincy. Hey Andy. Do you know why Cam doesn't smoke after sex? One drag a night is enough. (Thank you. Make sure you tip your waitstaff.)
Adam Dan - I can't be too hard on Adam. He did survive cancer and all. But I still can't believe that out of millions of sperm, he was the fastest. I wonder if his parents ever received their apology from Trojan?
JB King.......(As I write this, it looks like JB is going to get his first World Championship! Fuck! This was funnier when he was a perennial runner-up.) And there he was: reigning supreme at number two. JB King has become the Buffalo Bills of Monday Night Flaw. I really do feel bad for him. I mean, hell, even I have a World Championship. Don't worry, I'm sure Andy will give you a Kane-like "thank you for being loyal" title run one of these days.
I'd end this email with an actual wrestling question, but fuck it! No one else seems to ask anything wrestling related anymore, so I'll just plug my show. Listen to Wait 'Til Next Year, recorded every Wednesday night and posted online whenever Andy gets around to it.
--
Nate Corbitt | Pun's House
Cam
Hey guys so I just finished listening to the recap show and thanks for all of the kind words you said about me. Now go fuck your mothers. At least yours haven't already been fucked to death by Tiger Woods. RIP Mom.
Congrats to JB King for finally winning the title. I can't wait for his emails to spiral out of control faster than Heath Ledger at an Olsen twins party.
Are the Serpiente gimmicks deader than Kanyon yet? God I hope so.
Chris, you are a not a piece of shit for not liking the Wire, you are a piece of shit for liking New Girl, but at least you weren't the one who actually wanted to spend 45 minutes talking about the fucking CW. Thanks for treating our ears like they were a 13 year old girl trapped in your basement there DevSop.
I haven't mentioned wrestling yet because nothing good happened this week, kinda like an issue of Army of Dorkness! CamSlam.com!
Now just to fuck with that yellow piece of shit Homer:
Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett Cam Gullett!!!!
JB King
Hey guys, well it looks like I lose again and…wait….I won? Really? Okay, well lets get this out of the way then…
HEY EVERYBODY! WERE ALL GONNA GET LAID!
(((Kenny Loggins: I’m Alright)))
Glad to get that Monkey off my back, and im not talking about the one Cam Gullet contracted his AIDS from. That’s right were going to have fun tonight. I’m not going to make outrageous demands or anything were just going to have a blast. Thank God I won by the way, because I was seriously scraping the bottom of the barrel for anything left, and all I found was a TNA run sheet. Speaking of which thanks Chris for stepping up and being hilarious for once. Do you know I legitimately scratched off a Brooke Hogan and Londrick joke this morning? Where was this fire before? Were you doing your usual stay at home laundry bitch work the other day and discovered your balls in your wifes back pocket? I haven’t seen this Chris pissed off and upset since his doctor said “It’s a girl!” OH GODAMNIT I DIDN’T MEAN THAT SORRY! SERIOUSLY IT’S THE IC BELT NOT ME!
Good job you idiots you gave me the intercontinental belt. A belt I never asked for. Do you think I like making fun of Junior Seau, Adam Dan, Martha Hart or Chris’ family? Now I pretty much HAVE TO.Now I have go way too far to win and keep this damn thing. Am I going to have to Goldberg this title and just destroy everyone for 8 months? By the way Andy I will apologize for the minor spelling errors when you apologize for your voice. You make Ahmed Johnson sound like Morgan Freeman. (BEEFSTEW&REEFS.COM)
As a champion I understand that this will not be easy and nothing will be handed to me. I mean seriously, what helpless bitch do you think I am? Adam Dan in Chemo? GODDAMNIT NOT AGAIN. Well, like DevSop would say when a little girl is waking up from her chloroform induced coma “I better enjoy this while I can” (BRYANSVAN.RAPE) See Cam, that’s called a set up and a punch line. I hope you can learn this concept quickly. See I look to MNF, wrestling, and funny things I read or see on tv for inspirational jokes. The only thing you stare at is some random guys bellybutton as you servicing him. So Cam just started getting into the Wire? Jesus Christ, how can I guy that prematures THAT much always be so late on everything?(OOPSTHISNEVERHAPPENEDBEFORE.CAM) Remember, just because one actor makes a homosexual character look badass doesn’t mean you are. But enough about that pickle kisser, onto Nate.
Nate Corbitt reminds me a lot of that random DBZ character named Krillin. They are both bald, short, pathetic, and get tossed around every episode. You can also compare Wait til Next year to Dragonball Z. And by that I mean it takes 8 episodes and four additional hours for it to get to the point. I can already see him flailing his baby like arms in anger over that joke , like a baby t-rex on meth. But enough about that smurf onto Stu.
Hey Stu I don’t have anything bad to say about you and hope you keep bringing the heat. However, stop pandering to Andy with Dr. Who jokes. You do realize this is Monday Night Flaw right? You have to pander to Nate, Cliff, Adam Dan, Cam and the rest of the retards from “Da Souf”. And because you cant just giggle your keys in front of them through a podacast, my suggestion is to lower your level and start doing Storage War jokes. YYUUUUUUUUPP!
THIS JUST IN! CAM GULLET JUST SAW THIS AWESOME NEW MOVIE CALLED CITIZEN KANE!
Finally, sucks to you be Serpiente. I would be making fun of you right now but I know I already did earlier by your other alias.
THIS JUST IN! CAM GULLET JUST DISCOVERED THIS AWESOME NEW JOINT CALLED MCDONALDS!
Oh Godamnit, is Chris Corpsing? SEND FOR THE MAN!
(((Michael Jackson’s Beat it)))
Christ do I miss Savage. See Andy, your not the only one that can quote Botchamania. (BOTCHAMNIA.COM/FAAAAKINBULLSHIIIITTT) Anyway I think I covered my ground for the IC Belt so lets go back to the questions. HEY GUYS REMEMBER WHEN WE TALKED ABOUT WRESTLING?
Question One: How did Chris NOT enjoy the 16 candles rape tribute the John Cena gave to Michael Cole? See Andy we DO remember jokes from 1984! Anyway Chris, for a guy who appreciates what Heidenreich did I would assume you’d get rock hard for this. I haven’t seen an asshole from Massachusetts beat up a faggot like that since I read Mitt Romneys memoirs. Which makes me realize forget about BE A STAR and get ready to SMACKDOWN YOUR VOTE! What hilarious antics are we going to see come voting time? More Donald Trump bullshit? Linda cameos? Fake Obama dancing with Brodus Clay? SOMEBODY CALL OBAMA! SOMEBODY CALL OBAMA! Just wanted your thoughts on politics ruining wrestling. P.S. I know this is a political related question Chris but seriously don’t go over board. Calm down Bill Maher this aint a fucking rally.
Question Two: Looks like Im going to have to fire Tyler Perry presents: Truth and Kofiquences from that manure farm, because they cant sell shit. Did they even try to sell their injuries on Raw or are bandaids the hip thing for black rapper to wear again? Anyway, it reminded me of all the fake casts and neck braces people wore in wrestling. From Bob Orton, D’Lo Brown, Cody Rhodes, Joel Gertner etc. What is some of your favorite milked injuries from wrestling?
THIS JUST IN! CAM GULLET FINDS JALEPENOS SPICY!
Question Three: The Dustin Faber S-R-S question of the night! What return appearances are you looking forward to for the 1000th episode on Raw? Im sure the usual legends will be there but I want something extraordinary. Give me a Gangrel w/ edge and Christian edge and Christian Brood entrance again. Let me see Steiner do a English lesson for Santino. Let me see Goldberg bump into Ryback. Let me see Sin Cara work a good match. Just my thoughts, what do you guys want to see?
So I guess that’s it. I guess now I would have to consider worrying about Cam and Adam coming after my IC Belt. Am I worried? Nah. I have already thought this out. You see, normally when you go one on one with another emailer you’ve got a 50/50 chance of winning. But Dan has cancer and hes not normal. So he has a 25% at best of beating me. Then you throw Cam Guzzlet in the mix… Your chances of winning DRASTIC GO DOWN! So in a 3 way you’ve got a 33 1/3 chance of winning. BUT I! I VE GOTTA 66 2/3 chance of winning because Cam KNOWS he cant beat me so hes NOT EVEN GONNA TRY. So Dan you take your 33 1/3 chance minus my 25% chance, AND YOU’VE GOTTA 8 1/3 chance of winning! But then you take my 75 percen- CHANCE of winning (If we was to go one on one) AND THEN ADD 66 2/3 ch- er…percents….I GOTTA 141 2/3 chance of winning this week! You see Dan, THE NUMBER DON’T LIE! AND THEY SPELL DISASTER FOR YOU…or cancer I don’t know.
I told you would have fun tonight! So lets end this party right and dance!
(((Journey: Anyway you want it)))
Love peace and caddyshack references
Johnny
Stu
Hey guys,
Oh wait, I mean...FUCK YOU GUYS! The Heelification continues and I'm here this week to bring my wrath to you two, because I think more than anyone it's YOU who's to blame for my fall from grace. Chris, you want to criticise me for my e-mail's being too long? Well that's fucking rich coming from the co-presenter of the biblical epic that was TV For Vendetta Episode 1, or Volume 1, which is more appropriate. And by the way, great idea doing a 4 hour long show where one of the hosts has a speech impediment. No, I'm not talking about Brian, but YOU! You stumble over more words than Cam stumbles over used dildos when he wakes up in the morning. You don't even know how to pronounce Glasgow correctly. The "w" is silent, you prick! I get saddled with you, rather than your more coherent, albeit drunker cohort Andy. God, I just hope you aren't jacking off to E3 footage while you read this out. So forthwith, I DEMAND the rest of this e-mail be read out by Andy. I refuse to continue until this demand is met. No one else's e-mail will be read otherwise.
*wait for Andy to take over*
Okay good...screw you Andy, you giggling pipe smoking fuck! If you really want to emulate Sherlock Holmes so badly, why don't you go jump off a waterfall, or failing that, develop a coke habit, only in your case, don't get cured before you suffer an overdose. The only thing worse than your giggling is your editing. The reason Army of Dorkness 4 ran for 2 and a half hours is because 90 minutes of that was the full length songs you dropped into the mix just because James and Cam mentioned them. We got the joke after the first 20 seconds of each. Brevity is the soul of wit. But I guess I shouldn't expect that from a guy who keeps the sound of his own belches in the recordings. At least I hope it's belches. Otherwise Cam Gullet has some of the most terrifying sounding queefs imaginable. Also, is it just a coincidence that you're so anti-semitic whilst also having the name of a character from a Disney movie?
Now it's time to put yesterday's news, El Serpiente Enmascarada, in his place. I want Andy to read this, because as I've noted, Chris has enough trouble reading stuff written out in english without having to deal with espanol...unless he's putting on a flamingly gay accent. Just saying.
El Serpiente Enmascarada: Hablé con su padre y el Serpiente original, El Serpiente Enmascadara Clásico. Clásico me dijo que su madre era una prostituta americano. Si, es verdad. Su hermano es Cam Gullet AKA El Serpiente Pantalones! ¡Ay Caramba! Lo peor de todo, su niñera (o en inglés "babysitter") fue Brian VanAlstyne. Lo Siento. Lo siento mucho.
JB King- congratulations. Forget what I said last week. JOIN ME. With my recent Heel turn, I could do with starting a faction.
Zom Roper: How are you still around? You botched shooting yourself in the head? I guess there's only one response I can give- YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP!
-SmackDown opened with Sheamus coming out to gloat about attacking a man from behind last week, justifying his actions by saying he wanted to let ADR know he wasn't going to kiss his arse. Well of course not. David Otunga could jump out of there and Tung Punch you. Speaking of which, out comes Otunga. He's filling in for Laurinaits tonight(even though we later learn he was there all along, so I don't know what the point of that was). He wants Sheamus to finally apologise for running into Laurinaitis a week ago, but Sheamus isn't impressed by Otunga. Not even with his Harvard Law Degree, because he knows it's written on psychic paper. They're interrupted by ADR, who Otunga informs can choose Sheamus' opponent for the evening. Sheamus forgets he's not supposed to hit officials and just Brogue kicks Otunga in response. Silence Will Fall, motherfucker!
-Sin Cara made his long awaited return to take on Heath Slater. This is about the closest you'll ever get to a family reunion between Cam Gullet and Serpiente. And guys, the real reason his trampoline was gone is because Brian VanAlstyne stole it to put the finishing touches on his playpen, or as he calls it "ambush". Sin Cara wins with his new finisher which is basically a set up for a crossface...but with no crossface. Yeah, that's way more impressive than a backwards somersault Rock Bottom off the top rope. Just like taking the Green Bay Plunge away from Mr. Kennedy and giving him the flatliner instead did wonders for him.
-Ryback defeated the team of Chris Lyons and Ryan Shelton. Before hitting both of them at once with his finisher, he yelled out "Two Are Better Than One!". That's not homoerotic at all. Then he dropped the two sweaty guys in a pile which he then mounted to get the pin. Hmm.
-The Useless Black Guys from NXT are no more. They've been rechristened. Let them now be known as The Useless Black Guys From Primetime. And they certainly live up to their name as they job to Santino and Zack Ryder. Celebrations are cut short however as Big Show arrives to continue his mid-card massacre, laying waste to both men, ending by bending Santino over some steel steps and making him humble, I believe is the term. Hey, it's a pre-taped show. Who knows what they edited out?
-Cody Rhodes also took on Tyson kid, as Christian joined the commentary table. He does nothing to dispell the accusations of being old by the fact that he's dressed like Arlo Givens from Justified, or by saying that he was 13 years old when George Foreman won the title. I'll point out that he never said it was the LAST time Foreman won it. I can forgive Christian's defensiveness though. The IC Title means a lot to him. He was Pat Patterson's opponent in the final of the original tournament in Rio after all. Cody beats Tyson and leaves when Christian yells "Get off my lawn!" because he forgets where he is sometimes.
-Monday Night Raw opened with Michael Cole interviewing Cena, and Cena once again playing the "Laurinaitis would have been fired" card when complaining about Big Show's actions. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the board want to fire Laurinaitis after he performed a beatdown on Cena, only Cena talked them out of it because he wanted to have his stupid match? Nice job, prick. But Johnny shows up and to show he's a nice guy, let's Cena pick his opponent for the evening. When Cena can't pick Laurinaitis(an invalid), he instead goes for Cole (an announcer). So first he took last week off(still no explanation for that, by the way), and now he picks the easiest opponent imaginable. Don't strain yourself, Mr. Rise Above Hate. It's just a shame Chemo-era Adam Dan wasn't available.
-Sheamus beat Ziggler, in a rematch from SmackDown. Afterwards, he's attacked by ADR who locks him into the Cross Armbreaker, which counter to its name, doesn't actually break the arm, despite the duration or the angle. It's like how a neckbreaker as never broken a neck, or how Piledriver would really be a more appropriate name for the Atomic Drop when you think about it.
-Backstage, Johnny Ace is informed that Vince McMahon will be on the show next week to do a job evaluation. I hope CM Punk crashes it. Not because I want him to rip into Vince. I want an update on the Ice Cream bar situation. It's been almost a year, goddammit!
-Hunico and Sin Cara locked up, while Cole and King dealt with the sponsorship plugs. Including Just For Men. Perfect product placement for all those grey haired 8 year olds watching Monday Night Raw. Including Nate Corbitt. PUNSHOUSE.COM!
-Ryback took on Stan Stansky and Arthur Rosenberg. Just like on SmackDown. Yeah, we get it. He can beat up jobbers. This shit's so repetitive that when the two did their poem it made me think I WOULD like to see Heidenreich return to get into a feud with Ryback.
-Punk took on Kane, in ANOTHER rematch from SmackDown. Goddammit Sheamus! This is why you don't Brogue Kick a Timelord. It fucks the timeline up and makes history repeat itself!
-Punk took on Kane, in ANOTHER rematch from SmackDown. Goddammit Sheamus! This is why you don't Brogue Kick a Timelord. It fucks the timeline up and makes history repeat itself!
-Backstage, AJ hit on Josh Matthews. Sorry Layla, Beth, Nattie etc. WWE counts this as their 5 minutes of pushing the women's division. Though it would be worth it if Kharma returned as Punk's new girlfriend.
-Kofi and Truth took on Reks and Hawkins. Not because the latter have any value, but because Big Show has decimated the midcard with his random attacks to the point that these are the dregs that are left. Reks and Hawkins and officially the 4th and 5th most important people in this match after Little Jimmy after all. You remember when Primo and Epico were supposed to be getting advice from Abraham Washington? What happened with that?
-Cena had to face Tensai before he could take on Cole. I'll just say it plainly...if you run this match one more fucking time, and Tensai ISN'T doing the Hip Hop Hippo gimmick, I'm done WWE.
-Cena and Cole's match may be lame in and of itself, but if you choose to interpret it as Cena imagining Cole is his enstranged wife, it has a much more compellingly dark appeal. It's sorta feasible too, as Cole is about as good looking as Mrs. Cena is.
Anyway, that's it for this week. Don't make me get raw on you two again next week.
Stu
The masked snake: Spoke with his father and the original snake, the snake Enmascadara classic. Classic told me that his mother was an American prostitute. If it is true. His brother is Cam Gullet AKA the snake pants! Ay Caramba! Worst of all, her nurse (or in English "babysitter") was Brian VanAlstyne. I am sorry. I'm sorry.
