MNF 28/Male Bag 11
Jul 12, 2012 14:43:41 GMT -5
Post by Andy on Jul 12, 2012 14:43:41 GMT -5
Check out Monday Night Flaw 28 and Male Bag 11 on iTunes, Stitcher and www.flawedcast.net/mondaynightflaw then come back here and cast your votes. You get TWO votes!!!
Austin Sanders
The email is Ama- "wait for it...."
"I'm typing this email early do to having a life."
Hello Chirs and Andy. Though I'm writing this very early, I'm just going to
assume I'm your NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! If I'm not, then congrats to
the new Ryan "Brooklyn brawler" Dangerfeild as this would be his first (and
more than likely only) championship in his carrer. But for the rest of this
email, I'm just going to assume you both did the right thing and award me
this coveted belt.
If I did win, then I'm not sure if I really DESERVE it. Cam is a huge
seamen filled punching bag as it is. Anyone could have taken a money shot
at him. Beside he probably uses this sticky belt for autoerotic asphyxia,
which is frowned apond by the gay community. I'm done with you because I
know you cried. I don't deal with criers. I was surprised too, because I
thought a man with you're "fifty shades of gay" experience, you would have
had a tougher tear duct. I'm done with you now.
Fuck you faggot.
Jesus, that Dustin adio clip was intense. Andy, did you edit that clip or
did Dustin? Cause I was really impressed. It also sounded like Dustin
wasn't acting like a bad voice actor, but rather from the soul. Or
more accurately, Gods soul. I'm on team Dustin. Anything for getting rid of
that loser Cliffs notes. Cliffs notes? More like Cliff-DARSH!
Cliff, you only had only one positive effect on me. I remember how you told
us current listeners to not be afraid to email in. Cliff, I was one of
your decipels, and was the only one to emerge from your cry. But just
because you had a influence on me dosn't mean you're getting my vote. You
just became too mean sprited. Everything was everyone else's fault, or at
least in you're eyes. You gone mad with praise as Chis and Andy added fuel
to you're ego fire. You started to become slowly from a savior, to a
monster. Dustin, I wish I had a hand in this fight. I wish I could throw my
name in the hat and jump in. But I understand Honor and how you must fight
alone. Most good people do. Most EVIL people only understand pride. Cliff
will not be fighting for us the emailers or listeners , but for his own
pride. I wish you all the best Dustin. Oh and Cliff, If you're going to
respond back to me, dont bother. Whenever I hear "RAW. IS. CL-" I
fast forward the podcast 30 minutes just to make sure I skip you're cum
filled dribble.
Fuck you faggot.
INTERMISSION!
TOM ROPER? More like TOM is Cam Gullets best friend. I'm sure that's a
insult, I'm sure of it.
Well on to the questions I suppose, Andy loves them. Rather leave the funny
stuff to JB King, or if he can even Spell "funny". I wonder if he ever won
a spelling bee out of sheer pity durrrrrrrrrrrrr. Question 1!
I remember that there was a time that I use to watch TNA and WWE with
harmony. At one point, I would only watch TNA because of the fast paced
action and combination of rookies and legends. And while I don't watch
anymore, I hope TNA cleans up their act and start being what it use to be
in 2005-2008. However, there was one storyline that compleltey brought me
over the edge in terms of ever watching again. No not because of bad
storylines. No not because of the wrestling. And no, not because of Hogan.
It was out of sheer destruction of childhoods being destroyed on free TV.
A few years ago, Angle was divorced by his wife Karren. While Karren moved
on to Jeff Jarett, they decided to make a storyline out of it. Now I'm fine
with adults using their conflicts for the sake of entertainment, but Jesus
Christ leave the kids out of it. I remember watching segments where these
young children, who can't comprehend on whats going on btw, had their lives
been made mockery of. They put them in these segments where they were told
to disrespect Dixie and their own father in there household. I know, I
might be the only one who over reacted to this, but it was enough to
justify throwing a bomb in the DerpDerp Zone. So my first question is, was
there every anything on WWE or TNA Tv that completely made you say
"no....just no..."
Question 2. I know this one is kinda generic, as I hate asking generic
questions. I also hate "What-if" questions as they are what they are. Just
what-ifs. But IF you were going to make a logical TNA invasion storyline,
how would you do it. I thought it would have been perfect if Christen acted
as if he left his TRUE home in TNA at Slamaversery and they would have
carried over to the next night on RAW with facial expressions. it would
slowly make him want to go back to TNA and lead the charge of a hostile
take over.
And finally question 3. (And don't worry Andy. It's a REAL question this
time. YOU'RE FAVORITE!) If the Miami crowd has thought us anything, it's
that WWE fans have a voice not on the internet, But at big live events like
PPV's and RAW. If you could rally up a crowd in your city and ask them to
chant one thing, what would it be? Mine would be "My
names...............................Randy (clap clap clapclapclap)with the
entire arena being silent in the middle of it. Or something that
might benefit a superstar.
Thats all this week.You can send your emails to
Mondaynightflaw@flawedcast.net, Send you're tweets to our twitter we always
use, and Cam Gullet is a shit stain.
-Zing.
((read subject title for that to make sense))
XOXOXOXO your true intercontinental champion, TheTallOne.
PS. Also, fuck that "XOXO" Crap Austin. You Gay asshole.
Michael Hodge
What the Fuck Happened to That Guy?
Hey Chrandy,
I know this is the wrong show for this game, but what the fuck happened to Tito Santana? He doesn't get trotted out as one of the legends. There's no Tito Santana retrospective DVD. Pretty sure he's not dead. Did he just retire and go away, or is he behind the scenes somewhere?
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey
James Ryan
I Pity All Fools
Greetings and salutations, Monday Night Trollz! Before I get to the
tete a tete-ing (huh?) Let's talk about Monday Night Raw! I don't
usually write emails to you guys like the other kids, so welcome back
me! Allow myself to introduce myself, I am James Ryan, "The Golden
Voice" of the Flawedcast Network! Now that I got that out of the way,
this is a special West Coast RAW live-emailing...
Was that not the most hilarious opening segment, albeit predictable,
3Way with Punk, D-Bryan, and AJ in a long time? One proposal? Two
proposals!?! #BONERALERT
With regards to AJ's happy entrance song, is it mostly gay that I just
want to download her..., ahem, theme to be my ringtone? #NOHOMO or
maybe #GAY4PAY, right Adam Dan??
Though, every time I do hear her "LIGHT IT UP!" theme, I can't help
but think she should be sharing that song with Smokey McBongWater. No?
Fuck you, then! I was going to go with a Cheech and Chong reference,
but I realized that only one of you would understand it. Seeing how
Chris has basically lived in a cave with his eyes closed and his
fingers in his ears since his hair migrated North for the 6th grade
winter. Damn you. I seriously just want to Chris Alt Delete your face.
Yet, thanks to last week's episode of Male Bag, located at the
ChuckleHut, it was revealed to the audience that Chris just absolutely
adores Gallagher! MidWesternHumor.com!
Not to be confused with Adam Dan's website, JacksonvilleTumor.org!
Or Nate's homepage, GoTinyCubs.Small! Punhouse Dot, oh wait, AM I
DOIN THIZ RITE????
Meanwhile back to RAW, John Cena just about said that he guarantees
that he's going to win the Money in the Bank match at the pay per
view! Way to alienate your remaining paying customers in that
valuable 18-35 demographic!!! Isn't his stupid catchphrase, "RISE
AGAINST HATE"??? This Boston Fag (no, not Cam Gullett, I'll touch on
him later, or maybe I'll just touch him), this Boston Fag has turned
into the biggest hater in the entire WWE since Big Show's heel turn!
In the words of the internet kids, "Stop being a Hater!!!"
This is one time I will hand it to TNA for actually putting the
championship belt on Austin Aries, one of their most popular wrestlers
at this time.
But other than fat mexican tweens, rednecks, other white people, and a
bunch of Make-A-Wish mutants, no normal person wants John Cena within
1000 yards near the title belt again. Wow. ironically enough, I
basically just described your core audience: Lucky Lopez, Cam Gullett,
Stuart Little, and Adam Dan! Mazel tov!
Let's talk about my broadcast colleague Cam Gullett for a moment, his
long lost father just made his triumphant return to RAW!! Bob Fuckin'
Backlund!!! Congrats Cam, too bad Backlund didn't pass on his
prodigious and robust vocabulary to you.
Cross-Faced Chicken Wing 4 life! Sit down Alt, they don't serve those
at Buffalo Wild Wings! CloggedArteries.NateCorbitt!
And speaking of Nate, congratulations on just being revealed as the
Anonymous RAW General Manager! You did a bang up job for the past two
years, tough guy! And to think, we gave you a ton of shit for sounding
stiff on the microphone on the Wait Till Next Year episodes. We
seriously had no clue that you were living a secret double life, RAW
GM and Lawn Gnome! Those are two stressful careers!
God Bless your Tiny Damaged Heart.
PS: Can you hook me up with some Travelocity discounts? Travelocity.com!
Now if we can just get an answer of who was behind G-TV, I can die a
happy man! A happy, lonely man. Brazzers.com!
Back to Live RAW: I'd like to penetrate Eve Torres in her Oompa Loompa
butt vagina. #YES!
Tag Match over. The Syracuse Orange mascot gets pinned by Tiny Vagina
AJ. Calm down, Dev, she's 25. And speaking of which, this week he'll
be counting down to 4 weeks until his local middle school returns from
summer vay-cay. #Stay100YardsAway!
Well, RAW is OVER now. The show started off with a bang, but ended in
a whimper and 2 AJ slaps. I won't lie, I do dig the whole
Punk/DBryan/AJ menois a trois storyline, though at first I really did
think this was one big set up for D-Bryan to get a title back. But
now I feel this could go any way. Maybe AJ will end up the champ! Is
Vince Russo still employed at this federation?? The rest? As long as
Cena doesn't win the briefcase, I'd be happy. Bottom line, I don't
email often to your little show, and I don't have a pre-set feud with
one of your followers, as yet. And as for the titles, they sound
nice. Thom is the current IC champ? No slam here. I love the Zartan
and the Dreadnoks, and those are YOUR people in animated form.
With that, I'm out. I gotta get back to editing out Cam's "Umms",
"Errs", and "Yeahs." and all of Alt's video game button sounds while
he plays "Bubblegum Chainsaw Pedophile" out of my show, THE ARMY OF
DORKNESS! Found exclusively on the Flawedcast Network!
Be well,
James Ryan, The Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network
Cam Gullett
Is Cliff funny again yet? Don't worry I'll wait.
So Cliff thinks that Andy and I are not on a high enough level for him to
feud with eh? Sounds like code for Cliff being an unfunny twat who has no
good jokes about the Fuhrer and/or the "Dashing" one. #TeamFaber
Need a top 5 list of things that would be more entertaining than listening
to The Creepshow? No? Well we didn't NEED a 6 1/2 long podcast but that
fucking assclown gave us one so here goes:
5. Watching me do my "job" on a friday night.
4. Watching all 3 Transformers movie back-to-back-to-back.
3. Watching the Kansas City Royals play the Houston Astros.
2. Reading this stupid fucking list.
1. Watching a 60 minute Iron Man match between the Great Khali and Michael
Cole.
Tom Roper, more like Tom jerks off to midget porn while hanging from a
Rope-r.
Has anyone else noticed that Damien Sandow looks a lot like the Kryptonian,
Non, from Superman II?
Is Cliff funny again yet? I'll keep waiting.
When JB King sent in his Bingo game last week I assume he misspelled shit
like B9, yes?
Is it a coincedence that pedophilia, err Catholic supporter Dustin Faber
now resides in Pennsylvania?
In the battle of who can be douchier between Kenny King and TNA, who ya got?
Stu becoming a ten time champion is a great milestone in the MNF
heavyweight championship lore. I look forward to Stu using this stature to
end up fucking one of your daughters someday and then eventually running
Monday Night Flaw.
I really can't wait to hear the epic battle this week between Cliff "I
stopped being funny weeks ago" Snotes and Dustin "The Catholic
Curb-Stomper" Faber. This should easily be the best action that we have
ever heard on Monday Night Flaw, but only until I edit together my new
audiobook, "Confessions of a truckstop whore."
Word is that Rey Mysterio Jr is returning this tuesday at the Smackdown
taping which may actually bode well for Alberto Del Rio's chances at
beating Sheamus this Sunday as there is no way that Rey will be a heel and
he will most certainly be immediately in the title picture.
What do you guys think the chances are of getting an AJ wedding on the 1000
Raw are?
Finally, mercifully, I leave you with the hope that Tom Roper can get a
tryout match in TNA to finally realize my dreams of him getting his neck
snapped by Zema Ion.
As always,
"Dashing" Cam Gullett, cohost of Army of Dorkness, even though we rarely
record anymore because James is too busy making 6 1/2 hour long podcasts
that nobody wants.
Adam Dan
RAW
So I actually watched RAW this week, and all I have to say is that holy
Jesus FUCK does AJ have some amazing thighs.
-Adam
P.S. Tom Roper? More like TAINT RIPPER!!!
Vin Tanner
You're welcome for the $12 asshole
From the Desk of Flawedcast GM Vin Tanner
Dear Andy and Chris,
Sorry for being an absentee GM for a week. Now you know how
Andy's illegitimate kids feel. It was a holiday weekend and I needed to
pay respect to our country. So now I'll have to do some extra ads this
week to make up for my investment.
$19.99 shouldn't be too much of
a REACH for you Nate. Get going.
One more...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iLTfG75s6g What you didn't know
is that 70% of those 70% got their herpes from Cam. I hear he pops these
things like tic tacs after all the different strains of herpes he's
acquired. He's actually patient zero for 7 different kinds of STDs and 3
kinds of ass fungus. Cam's Patient Zero? More like Truck Stop Tranny
Hero. Am I right?
I tried to listen to all of the podcast last week, but I didn't get through
it all. Just a few quick notes for anyone that continues to think I'm
Cliff's Notes. Fuck you. Hey Cliff. How has no one pointed out the irony
that you named your self about the industry standard for shortening and
abridging literature and you can't seem to right an email shorter the Nate
Corbet. PUNSHOUSE.COM!!! And I mean real irony, not the kind that Alanis
Morrisette taught JB King. Hey King, I have a special ad for you this
week. There you go buddy. You
can be just like Marky Mark. Say hello to your mother for me. Alright?
Alter boy, we have no new female listeners. You can stop with the Cosmo's
and Virginia Slims. That and I'm not sure you're even old enough. Let me
get this straight. You're taking Algebra, you play video games, watch
wrestling and all the movies on the list you hadn't seen from last week
were the rated R ones. Are we sure your balls have even dropped yet? Why
am I asking you?? Hey, Cam. I don't need to know details, but can you
give us the low down on Chris' junk? We know you've been down there
before.
Andy, there was still no Europen Belt last week for Scottish Color Me Bad.
Please get on that this week.
Ok, off to check on my other investment.
Your GM,
Vin Tanner.
Stu Little
Ten
Awright guys,
Ten times World Champion, eh? Ah've only got wan thing tae say tae that:
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
Don't worry, ah'm no daein' a JB King tribute wae the spellin' here. Ye may recall that I said that when this day came, ah'd celebrate by daein' a whole e-mail in phonetic scottish. Well here it is. Ah hope Andy is readin' this, cos ah doubt very much Chris could cope wae it, no' tae mention ah reckon his scottish accent is shite compared tae the Great Big Mooth. Just a disclaimer though, lads, naebody really speaks like ah'm aboot tae, because while ah'm using real stuff we say in Glasgow, ah'm also throwin' in stuff they say in Edinburgh and fae 50 year auld scottish comic strips Oor Wullie and The Broons. Ah'm perpetuating horrible stereotypes, so much so ah'm just short ae wearing a kilt and eatin' a tin ae shortbread...which despite the name isnae whit Nate Corbitt's sandwiches are made usin'. PUNSHOOSE.COM!
Special thanks tae Andy and Chris by the way fur daein' this show. It's a great laugh writing fur it, and despite aw the jokes ah make aboot Chris' pronunciation and editing, you two gie up your time fur it and all the other stuff ye both dae fur the network. JB was asking last week aboot whit oor favourite moments were fae the show's history, and just hearing Chris laugh is hilarious, and no' just because he sounds like's chokin' tae death. It's just so infectious. The stuff wae your daughter is adorable an' aw, Chris. Ah also loved the joke aboot the saxophone music and weird lighting that follows Aksana aroon' being cos she's part ae the Undertaker family and the music comes fae opening an urn wae Val Venis' ashes inside. Andy...ah loved when ye did the the Impact Recap in Terrance and Phillip voice, because e-mails are always funnier when ye read them oot in a ridiculous accent. At least ah think so, fur some reason. But whit dae ah ken? Ah'm just a talkin' moose. That's MOOSE, no' moose. The kind ye find in the skirting board ae yer hoose. Or under the floorboards...because they're loose.
Congratulations tae ma fellow countryman Tom Roper fur winning the Intercontinental Title. Ye've proved ye've got some mic skills, now all you need is tae actualy work on, y'know, winning matches if ye ever expect tae capture a non-virtual belt.
Dustin Faber? Mair like...Dustin' ma Caber aff so's ah can chuck it at Cliff's Notes. Am ah right? #TeamFaber.
Ah'd like tae alter ma theory aboot Brian VanAlstyne's countdown. It's no' for the removal ae his ankle bracelet. He's just lowering the maximum age ae his victims every week. Must be some sort ae mid-life crisis.
Anyway, on tae SmackDown, where throughoot the show, Teddy Long wis huvin' a barbeque, and serving up stuff like hot dogs and burgers. Speaking ae burgers, dae ye ken whit they call a quarter pounder wae cheese in Glasgow? Health food! Deep fry that bastard in batter and then we'll talk. Otherwise, don't waste ma time. Anyway, Teddy had a bit ae trouble lighting the grill up, so Kane hud tae use his magic powers tae get it goin'. Ah dunno why he disnae use that mair, and why the WWE disnae exploit it. Ah mean he could guest star on Mad Men as Sterling Cooper's new ad executive, and use it to light a chick's cigarette all suave-like. Or here's a thought...he could just set his opponents on fire! He'll break Zack Ryder's back, but no' light him up? Remember that time he used a lightning bolt to set someone one fire when him and Undertaker were showin' aff their powers? Noo, he comes oo tae the ring wearing a second protective mask because he's scared ae whit? Sparks? Dammit Kane, ye used tae be cool.
Secondly, ah'm so, so sorry. On a previous show ah said they should repackage Hornswoggle as a devious mastermind...but ah didnae mean by making him the anonymous Raw GM! Ma occassional powers ae prophecy have been twisted fur dark purposes, and fur that, ah apologise. And giving his mannerisms when he was revealed and how he didnae say a word, can we assume he's back tae being a mute hyperactive leprechaun wae the personality ae a 6 year auld? #FuckTreatingDwarvesLikeRealPeople?
Still, it was good tae see Bob Backlund on the show, however briefly. He's apparently no' quite auld enough tae main event TNA, so it was nice ae WWE tae throw him a bone.
Finally, ah wanted tae ask what ye think ae how WWE writes oot (or disnae write oot) people who leave the company? Ah personally like a bit ae closure and continuity wae wrestling characters, so when they actually go tae the trouble ae acknowledging someone leaving or lead up tae it, ah think it's cool, and it's annoying when they just let it go by withoot comment. As an example, when John Morrison left, they actually wrote an injury intae his last appearance, and then used it a week later tae get some heat fur Laurinaitis when he announced he'd future endeavoured Morrison. That was a neat and logical way ae daein' it. They also had the mair humorous way of "killing" him on the Z! True Long Island Stories at the same time, which they've continued tae reference. Compare it tae how wan week Mr. Kennedy had shown up back on Raw, telling Randy Orton he's gonnae be the next champion, then the next, released with absolutely nae mention ae it on tv. If WWE really don't want tae gift wrap their people fur the competition, would it no' make mair sense to send them away in a storyline that puts the idea in the audience's minds that they're only in TNA or wherever because they had tae leave the "big leagues"? Whit's your thoughts, and are there any exit storylines and sendoffs ye remember liking?
Speaking of endings...ah guess ah should make mah big announcement. Now that ah've gotten ten wins, ah think ah don't have to prove mahself any mair, so today, I, Stuart William Little, am formally announcing mah retirement.
Fae Rap.
Ah know this is going tae be a devastating blow tae a lot ae the listeners, who nae doubt wish that Scott Land could just keep dropping the rhymes indefinitely, but...ah have tae recognise when mah best days are behind me, and pack it in. Ah will not rule out the occasional return, however. This is really mair ae a Jay-Z style retirement, but nothing's in the works for the forseeable future. Ah may have a producer role on Nate Corbitt aka MC Busta Kneecap's new LP though, titled "Foot High Supafly". PUNSHIZOOSE.COM! Ah hope ye all understand. Goodnight and God bless. Peace oot.
Stu
Dustin Faber
The idiocy of the WWE
After seeing what the WWE did on Monday night, well, I have to wonder. Do
they think I'm stupid or something? Hornswaggle as the Anonymous RAW GM was
the dumbest reveal in any TV show I've ever watched. The villains in Scooby
Doo made more sense than this. There's absolutely no way WWE had
Hornswaggle in mind when they created this gimmick. They probably did it at
the last minute thinking they'd get a laugh. But at 10:45 p.m. ET, who is
the target audience? Who in their right mind wanted Hornswaggle to be the
RAW GM? John Laurinitus, from a story-line perspective, would have been the
perfect payoff. It would make complete sense for him to be the guy who
tormented all of us for years. I'm hoping that the anonymous RAW GM will
chime in next week and say that Hornswaggle hijacked his computer. That's
the only way this can be salvaged.
Other topics.
- There's a rumor going around that Tim Tebow could train for MMA. I find
it laughable, as he already has a full-time NFL job. But it got me
thinking, what pro athletes would make good WWE athletes, no matter how
unrealistic it may be for them to take the job? I think Rajon Rondo would
make a great tag-team partner for Kofi Kingston (similar size and
athleticism), Lebron James, for his athleticism, size and charisma, and Ron
Artest, because he's just a crazy nutjob.
- I have watched my WWE Ladder Match DVD a million times. Not including
pay-per-views, what WWE DVD recommendations do you have?
- Finally, there is a man that needs to be addressed. His name is Cliffs
Notes. Gun to my head, I doubt he accepts my challenge for Male Bag 12.
Maybe he will, but given his heel mindset, I'm going to assume he is too
scared to go one on one with me. It angers me to no end: Just a simple
challenge, yet he doesn't have the guts to live up to the greatness he
built up in his mind.
But we all know I'm Mr. Catholic, and Jesus said to pray for your enemies.
So I'd like to take this opportunity to close out my email in thoughtful
prayer for Cliff's Notes.
In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit or insert deity you believe in
here,
Love you God, and sorry for the bad stuff I've done. Thank you God for the
trees, cherry preserves, bubble baths and Guam. Please be with our soldiers
fighting overseas, the professional wrestlers who put all their bodies on
the line night in and night out, and that ugly bastard Cliff's Notes.
God, I know you can take away the pain that Cliff's Notes bring us on a
weekly basis. I ask you give me the ability to defeat him in Male Bag 12,
13 or whenever he grows a twig and berries and faces me like the man he
purports to be. God you know me. I didn't ask for a feud. I just liked
hearing my emails get answered each week. But now that you put this
overbearing chore of a disease in my life, I ask that you give me the
strength to pull an Atom Dan and defeat this cancer to our great show.
Lord, I humbly pray that you don't let any of Cliff's Note's Dreams come
true, and that he dies the way he came into the world. Cold, alone, blind
and helpless. OK, that last part was a little much God, but if you could
have him stub his toe, get a parking ticket or lose the tv remote, that'd
be great.
Your only Undefeated Champion and Straight-edge emailer
Dustin Faber
CliffsNotes
FLAW IS CLIFFSNOTES
WELCOME
TO:
FOURTEEN PAGES
IS
CLIFFSNOTES!!!
Well Andy, you asked for this. I don't know what the hell happened this past week. You’re calling me unfunny, and Chris is suddenly going out of his way to show me respect.
So Andy has aligned himself with Dustin alongside Cam. A tall long-haired stoner from California, a guy who fiercely lives by his rules and religion and wants everyone to observe them, and the annoying lap-dog guy that just wants to fit in. I'm now feuding with #TeamLebowski. OVER THE LINE! Mark it Donny!
My feud with Dustin Faber will not be taking place in a wrestling ring; it will be in the bowling alley parking lot. Give us the money Lebowski!
Andy you’ll need to excuse yourself from your hosting duties for the fight, and get James Ryan to appear as “The Stranger” and provide the voice over. Nobody else on this network can come close to Sam Elliott’s voice.
And I suppose this means that Brian Van Alstyne will be aligning with me against #TeamLebowski as “The Jesus”. What’s a pederast? Shut the fuck up Donny.
Before I get to Dustin, a few other things need to be discussed.
First, I’d like to address the brother of “The Dude” Andy Gaston. Mister Aaron Gaston. Sir, thank you for all of your hard work on this network. However, I think you are a bit mistaken on the amount of originality around here. We are constantly forced to create and develop new ideas. To help you get caught up to how the Male Bag works here's a brief overview - or the "Cliffs Notes" version" - of the cycle for originality around here
Week One: an original clever idea introduced in a Male Bag. Author receives many compliments and votes.
Week Two: a clever twist on the original idea introduced, often by someone else.
Week Three: about four riffs on the original idea, ranging in quality from excellent down to a "Good job! Good effort!" earned by Adam Dan.
Week Four: Andy declares that this idea has now raped the shark.
See? Four Weeks. That’s the life cycle of an original idea before it is murdered. That’s not bad. There is another variation on originality, though. It usually goes like this:
Day One: a random nonsensical humorous meme mocking a specific wrestler is introduced, usually by Chris Alt on MNF.
Days Two through Thirty: about half the emails on Male Bag smoothly work this wrestler and reference into their notes.
Day Thirty-one: Wrestler is future-endeavored.
Day Thirthy-Two: Just about every email acknowledges that the wrestler will be missed in their own unique way.
Day Thirty-Five: Chris Alt is not funny and that meme makes no sense and Chris is a jerk for not having seen the original Evil Dead, according to a bitter email from Cam Gullet. Shut the fuck up, Donny.
So... the anonymous Raw GM shows up on Raw the same week Vin Tanner goes missing from Flaw. Coincidence? I think not. But it would fit the narrative here on Monday Night Flaw that Vin Tanner is really Nate Corbitt.
Oh wait... you still think I am Vin Tanner? Sure. You're right. You caught me. I might as well come clean. I have an addiction. I'm addicted to Gimmicks. Not only am I Cliffs Notes the new emailer guy, Serpienete Enmascarada, and CliffsNotes the heel Jericho guy; not only am I Vin Tanner, but I am also many other characters on this network.
I am Austin Sanders!
I am also Future Star and Shean Walsh!
But my masterpiece is that I am JB King!!! And let me tell you, pretending to screw up my punctuation and grammar and spelling that much is a chore.
But that's not all. I am really none of those people. I am Scott Taylor! Now Cue My Music!!! No. Not Really. Please don't play Scott Taylor's music.
So last week, JB King suggested that we commemorate the significant achievement of the 1,000th Raw by recalling our favorite... Wait what? We are celebrating the 10th Male Bag? Is ten episodes an accomplishment on this network? Another example of the low standards around here. I can't wait for the tenth episodes of other shows on this network:
Gamer and Proud 10.0 will be Jon's final episode, as he spends the entire episode arguing with Chris about his RIGHTS to play video games WITHOUT agreeing to any of the Terms And Conditions required to play games released by a CORPORATION.
Alcoholocaust Ten will feature Chris Alt drunk on Lime-a-rita's. His co-host is a homeless Dustin Faber, who broke into a nearby church to steal wine for his appearance.
Army of Dorkness X. This is the third episode without Cam. James Ryan is just using a Cam Gullett soundboard for a few random stupid comments. Ratings have increased eight-fold since the change.
The tenth episode of Flawmentary will be Tyler Houston, Chris Alt, and Aaron Gaston drinking scotch and smoking cigars as they provide the Andy Gaston Roast while watching the video of his burial. They play poker to divide up his network and scotch.
TV For Vendetta episode 10 will arrive in 2016, as Chris and Brian discuss the end of NBC, CBS, and ABC. They will review the new season of shows on Netflix, YouTube, Google, and Amazon. Also, this will be Brian's first show from prison.
Sixth Year Seniors 10th episode will focus on the latest Bobby Petrino sex scandal. He once again found a whore in Arkansas.... this time at a Waffle House.
So back to JB King. He wants us to celebrate the 10th Male Bag. OK. I'll play along. Congratulations Chris and Andy, it's an honor to be writing to you guys on this, the tenth Male Bag, and I hope you...wait... this is Male Bag 11? We are celebrating the 10th Male Bag in Male Bag 11? Well, there's JB King Math for you. King, do you exchange Christmas presents in January, too?
Alright. I’ll help commemorate the first ten episodes of Male Bag. But I’ll do it in my own way. I re-listened to some of the last 10 episodes this week. Here’s some thoughts and memories:
Male Bag 3 was really, really good and still holds up a few months later. I was thoroughly entertained listening to it again. Serpiente won the title that week, but everyone else had a great turn, too. In fact, I'll go as far as saying that JB turned in one of his top three emails, and Stu and I have won the weekly title with much weaker efforts. However, the other emailers also brought tremendous talent, and absolutely had their moments too. Any new listeners out there should check that show out.
Also in Male Bag 3, Andy curiously said this: "Dustin you will never in a million years have a shot at emailer of the week". And now, you want to put this guy in a headline feud. Great talent scouting Andy. Were you embarrassingly wrong then? Or are you wrong now?
Andy and Chris: Even though you have both been a thorn in my side recently, I will compliment both of you. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your voices and imitations over these shows.
But because you have both been a thorn in my side recently, I'm going to make you work during my email. That's right. I'm turning the tables. I’m not here to entertain you. You are here to entertain me. I'm putting you guys on the spot and making you use your voices, starting NOW.
The Scene: Mr McMahon is seated at a desk in a room with cheap wood paneling and blue curtains hung from a wall with no windows. A poster of The Marine 3 is on the left, and a SummerSlam poster of Brock Lesnar's face is on the right.
A pounding knock is heard at the door.
MR MCMAHON (Chris): WHO IS IT!!!
Randy Orton (Chris): My name........... Is Randy...
MR MCMAHON: YES. SIT DOWN RANDY.
Randy Orton: .....Orton!
MR MCMAHON: UMM RIGHT. ANYWAYS RANDY, WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE. STEPHANIE WANTS TO FIRE YOUR ASS BUT HUNTER DOESN'T. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Randy Orton: I think........ That I can strike....
MR MCMAHON: YOU'RE GOING ON STRIKE?
Randy Orton: ... At any......time.
MR MCMAHON: YOU ARE A GIANT DOUCHEBAG. WE ARE MAKING SOME CHANGES. FIRST, WE ARE DROPPING YOU TO THE MIDCARD. HEY QUIT SHITTING ON THAT PLANT. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION? CAN I CONTINUE?
Randy Orton: CUNT.... In you?
MR MCMAHON: GODDAMMIT ORTON ARE YOU NINE??? SITDOWN AND SHUT UP!!!. WE ARE ALSO CHANGING YOUR GIMMICK. TRIPLE H HAS HIS SLEDGEHAMMER. BUT HIS LAZY ASS IS RETIRED. SO I WANT YOU TO START USING IT. BUT THERES A TWIST. WATCH THIS VHS TAPE...
Gallagher (Andy): It slices! It dices! It smashes!! It gashes!! And don’t you wanna know how it works??? It’s the Sledge-o-matic! You want juice? Watch me smash these grapefruits!!!!
MR MCMAHON: HE SAID GRAPEFRUITS! HAHAHAHAHA! ORTON, I TRUST YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?
Randy Orton: You shouldn't .... Trust me...
MR MCMAHON: SHUT UP. ALSO YOUR NEXT FEUD IS GOING TO BE WITH A NEW GUY. HE'S MEXICAN AND GAY! GET IN HERE SERPIENTE MARICON!
Serpiente Maricon (Chris): ooh la la! Ola Señor Oily Orton! Hey!!! Dos sexy serpientes! <insert kissing sounds>. Yo soy un fan de la chin-locks! Sexo anal en fuego!!! No me gusta señoritas. Señor Orton molestero Serpiente Maricon!
Randy Orton: I don't…… Speak ......Mexican....
MR MCMAHON: DOESN’T MATTER. YOU’RE ALSO GETTING A NEW MANAGER. AND HERE HE IS!!! STEINER GET IN HERE.
Serpiente Maricon: Ohhhhh! Big Poppa Pump! Grande Papi de la Bomba! Papi Bomba Maricon! Si! Si! Si! Tres Hombre's!!! Por Favor!!! Muy Muscles!!! Trio Homosexual!!
Scott Steiner (Andy): You see Randy before I came along, you were just one man, so you only had a fifty percent chance of winning a match. But Nowwwwwww, since I’m here, we are now Twooooo men, so we have doubled your odds, so you have a hundred percent chance of winning a match.
MR MCMAHON: THERE YOU GO ORTON YOU PEASANT. YOU WORK FOR ME. YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY.
Randy Orton: No…. I don't..... Think...
MR MCMAHON: OBVIOUSLY
Randy Orton: ....so.... Meet my... New agent.
A knock on the door
MR MCMAHON: WHO IS THIS GUY?
John Merediethethith (Andy): You see Mr McMahon, your CORPORATION is dragging down my client with all your RULES and your CONTRACTS. And you’re making my client work as an INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR but forcing gall these EMPLOYMENT RULES on him! And now your wife is trying to run for a seat with the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT where you can dictate more rules through the MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX. You’re just using the POLITICAL ARENA and the LIBERAL MEDIA to attack my client. I'm not going to allow you and your COPORATE PARTNERS continue this CONSPIRACY against my client to hurt his freedoms!
MR MCMAHON: OHH CHRIST. STEINER, I’M TIRED OF LISTENING TO THIS. GET RID OF THAT GUY.
Scott Steiner (Andy): I’m Big Poppa Pump! Let’s go Spanish!
MR MCMAHON: NO NOT THE QUEER MEXICAN. THE OTHER ONE. YOU KNOW WHICH ONE, RIGHT?
Scott Steiner: He’s FAT!
And…. Scene!
For the 20 th Male Bag celebration (which will occur during Male Bag 23), I’ll add in a rap from SCOT LAND, and I’ll have Chris recite an entire Family Guy episode.
But we’re not done yet. Andy, you wanted 14 pages, we are almost there!
Speaking of SCOT LAND, hey Stu! Welcome Back to the top of the mountain. Two in a row. You and I, sir. You and I know that feeling. But I will be back.
Hey Roper. Congrats on the Monday Night Flaw Intercontinental Title. This is the most prestigious title you’ve held, isn’t it? By the way, did you notice that the highest vote total for one of your emails was from when you were dead? Is that a big enough hint?
Thank You WWE for the confusing Raw Money In The Bank match. Cena, Jericho, Show, and Kane. Who the hell is the Face?
And now, it is time.
Time for what you’ve all been waiting for. The stage is set. Here I sit, in the center of a red-carpeted squared-circle. There’s a nice table and podium and a clipboard. And a single shiny pen! That’s right, it’s the most exciting Sports Entertainment Segment possible! The Contract Signing!
Dustin Faber.
Dustin, Dustin, Dustin.
You’ve called me out. You sent in not an email, but your own unedited, unfiltered, quivering and spooky voice with absolutely no sound effects present whatsoever.
The passion in your voice was clear.
Dustin has had enough.
Dustin is going to shepherd in a new era, and rid the land of the scourge known as CliffsNotes. Dustin is rounding up his sheep with his #TeamFaber t-shirts. He’s been calling his friends and they are drinking punch in the church basement and drawing up their colorful #DustiNation posters.
Dustin. Be careful what you wish for.
You want a piece of me?
Heh. Heh. Your ambition is so cute.
Dustin, you have again forgotten. I am here to Save Us all from Mediocrity.
And I will give you a tiny amount of credit. You have juuuuuuuuust barely pulled yourself up over the edge and ever so slightly, you have risen above Mediocrity. Congratulations on your one, single title. And last week, you got a few votes to reach second place. But now, you think your feelings and your emotions and your opinions matter? No, son. Don’t get ahead of yourself.
You are not worth my time, and you are not worth a title feud, and I will not be the instrument that banishes you from this show.
THE ANSWER IS NO.
Right now you’re at the back of the line. Keep working on your writing skills. Take a few classes. Open a book that wasn’t written two thousand years ago, so you might stir up some relevant and current opinions for this show. And maybe in a few years, when you win your second or third title, we can see if you are worth my time.
I AM CLIFFSNOTES.
Aaron Gaston
3 weeks and counting.
All I'm asking for is one original idea.
Yet again you all let me down. More like ... Damn it.
Cliff - Eat three dicks. Make it Four. Your letter this week was an exaggerated version of my letter last week. Cliff equation - If it's funny in passing... why not palgerise the whole fucking letter? You might as well ask Andy to read in a goofy accent.
Spit venom in interviews, speakin on reunions?
Move units, then talk shit and we can do this
Until then - I ain't even speakin your name
Just keep my name outta yo' mouth and we can keep it the same.
(dr Dre)
You are a scab, a pawn, another underage target for Brian Van-I'll-Rape-That-Kid, a lowly LISTENER. Know your roll and shut your mouth! I've taken more popular shit's than you. mmaHole has been downloaded on a petabyte scale from the mighty Flawedcast empire, you have written two love notes and a "how to" guide to sucking ass at life. My voice is loved by trillions, you're own mother couldn't pick you out of a lineup. Do you even know who your dad is? Of course you don't! You were born in a dumpster. I was born in a golden crib, adorned in diamonds and pussy and weed.
This must be what it's like having a special needs child (no offense to Cletus' Parents). You still see the beauty in their deep sad eyes, you can ignore the arm growing out of their forehead, you want them to do well, yet you can't trust them to brush their own teeth without them causing permanent brain trauma.
We need a hero. A patriot. An ambassador of the Flawedcast name. Someone who isn't afraid to take his ideas and dreams and make them a reality. I haven't yet seen that from your degenerate listeners.
They are complacent, lazy and repetitive. Same act, different week. We need someone brave and noble like that Kemper Arena rigging assistant hired in '99 to, among other things, "Ensure the longevity of the WWF brand". (A task he was triumphantly successful in performing) In fact I wear a blue blazer every May 23 to honor that visionary genius.
I say again to you good gentlemen, cease and desist!
I will be watching...
Spidey
JB King
Back to the jokes
Hey guys, when are you going to put up the “Team Faber” shirts up on your
Flawedcast store? Also, put me down for two rape whistles. I’m going to the
ESPYs tonight and I’m sure these will come in handy when my “N” word
tourrets kick in. Thanks.
Holy shit, Easy E Gaston is contributing now? I’m glad the talented Wayne’s
brother of this network is finally on here. Anyway, a word to you Easy E.
I’m glad you are asking these mouth breathers to step up and be funny again
but you need to threaten them better than just a simple virus. Cam Gullet
has AIDs, do you think another virus is going to shape him up? Hell, Cam
doesn’t even have a computer. No need to send something to Chris’ laptop.
And Cliff has 37 different email accounts. Good luck picking the right one.
And I doubt it will scare Adam Dan. If you really want to scare the shit
out of him, email him a job application. If he got a job, he would be more
disappointed than when his resume was declined for the paraplegic Olympics,
because apparently missing half a brain doesn’t qualify you for such events.
Stu, congratulations. I admire your work and hope you keep bringing the
heat. I’m giving you the heads up though. I will take that title again
someday. Because I take what I want! And after I’m done with Thom and Cliff
I WANT DA GOLD SUCKA! STU LITTLE! WE COMING FOR YOU NIGGA! By the way, I’ve
dated enough coloreds, so I can say that.
(JOHNNYHASONLYDATEDMINORITES.SHOCKING) That’s right, I’m reaching for that
belt like Nate Corbitt reaches for his heart medication stuck in his kid’s
old high chair. Anyway, onto Thom.
The last time Thom Roper did something funny he shot himself in the head.
Which he still milks to this day. Suck it up you dingo fucking pussy. How
long does it take for a brain injury to heal? Perhaps that explains the
half assed failed jokes you give on MNF. Thom Roper’s jokes are as potent
as Adam Dan’s sperm. But I will be the gentleman here and end this Thom
Bomb with a poem. Roses are red, violets are blue, eat a bag of dicks and
die already.
Speaking of people that eat a lot, what is the 411 on getting Nikki Bella
on this show? Apparently she sucked the fat out of her stomach and put it
in her funbags. See yourself.
p.twimg.com/AxPOWgBCIAIeZUJ.jpg:large
Back to wrestling. I’m looking forward to the PPV but I have to say I’m
mildly confused. What happened to the Primetime players? Weren’t they
supposed to get a title shot? Did I miss an episode of Superstars or
something? I figured the match already happened so I checked youtube. I
typed in “Black on black violence” and while I found some amazingly
entertaining videos, I still couldn’t find the match. Oh well, might as
well forget about it already since creative did. Let’s just get to the
questions.
Question one: Holy shit, what the hell was up with that Hornswaggle GM
bullshit? He makes WWE miserable for a year and a half and the best
punishment they could think of was Jerry Lawler putting him over his knee
and spanking him? (Or as DevSop calls it, foreplay) It’s times like this
that REALLY make me miss JBL throwing Hornswaggle into a cage. Maybe they
could have ended this better by having a Scooby Doo angle. Santino could
have had Hornswaggle tied up and unmasked him to reveal him to be the mini
boogeyman, unmask him again and show Max Mini, unmask him again to reveal
Vince McMahon screaming “IT’S ME AUSTIN! IT WAS ME ALLLLLL ALONG AUSTIN!”
Despite all this, at least it had closure. I guess what I’m asking is, what
other storylines would you have liked to see completed before they were
forgotten into obscurity?
Question Two: Sin Cara is going to win MITB. Why you ask? Because only Sin
Cara can pull off the emotion of the epic finger point. Instead of
threating wrestlers with well thought out promos and backstage threats, he
can just pop up in random places to spook the World Heavyweight Champion by
pointing at him or the belt and then vanish into thin air. WWE can even
have the subtext of “SOON” underneath Sin Cara every time he does it. He
may get the finger point more over than when Hogan did it all those years
ago. Now that I think of it, if he pointed at his opponent like Hogan did
and the audience yelled out “TUUUUUU!” I would mark out like when Texas did
the “Cabron” chant to Del Rio two weeks ago. I don’t know where this is
going. Thoughts?
Question Three: Lastly, the big story of the summer, where is it? We’ve had
the summer of Punk last year. The Nexus takeover the year before, and SES
Punk vs drugged up Jeff Hardy the year prior. Most of them come out of
nowhere and I haven’t seen anything too astonishing. So I just wanted to
know what your guys’ guess is for the big summer angle.
Well that’s it for this week. I just wanted to say a final farewell to that
special someone out there, and that’s you Cliff. I’m intimidated by you?
Let’s cut the shit Jon. You want to say that I pander to this network yet
you are the one that gives Andy $12? You want to go off and say I bring
nothing to the show now? Just last week I caused Chris and Andy to fight
and break up. Scream at one another. Reveal Andy’s dark abortion past.
Reveal Chris’ lack of movie knowledge. Watched them get back together. And
helped influence two ideas for new shows. All within 3 sentences. Meanwhile
your weird babble just makes Andy and Chris bored to death. You are a shell
of your former self.
I hope Dustin Faber (who was apparently voiced by Nick Nolte last week)
destroys you with the most carrying, kind and uplifting email he can
possibly muster. So now you have to think and figure out a way to compete
with him. How you ask? I’m sure it’s the same way you plan your other
emails. And by that, I mean you sit at your kid’s tea set and talk with
several stuffed animals. Kind of like what Cartman from South Park did. One
is a Ken doll in a suit named “Vin Tanner”, one is a Barbie doll with its
hair ripped out and has a pencil drawn beard named “Chrissy” who is his
only encouragement left. And the other two are wrestling figures. One is
Chis Jericho and the other is Rey Mysterio representing El Serpiente.
((((Have andy and chris switch off, i.e. have one be cliff and the other be
the dolls)))
(cliff)Would you like some more tea Serpiente?
(serpiente) “SI! SI! SI!”
(cliff) There you go little buddy, and for you miss Chrissy?
(Chrissy: high pitched girl voice) “Oh Cliff, you are so funny and coooooo”
(cliff) “Why thank you Chrissy! What do you think little Jericho?”
(Jericho)“ABORTIONS FOR ALL LIBERALS! THE GOVERNMENT TOOK MY BABY! OBAMA?
MORE LIKE NOBAMA!”
(cliff) “That’s a good idea Jericho! That sounds so funny! I’m sure it will
go over soooo well!”
(Vintanner) I wish daddy was still alive...
(cliff) GET OUTTA MY HEAD !!!
…
Three hours later and “tada” you get an e-mail from him. That’s his “magic”
he brings to the table. Fuck that guy. Go team Faber.
Love, peace and penis grease
Johnny
Aaron Gaston
How's This?
Dear Johnny,
I will drive to your house and mouth-fuck your children on the burning carcasses of your kin and everything you own.
Threat delivered,
Spidey
Austin Sanders
The email is Ama- "wait for it...."
"I'm typing this email early do to having a life."
Hello Chirs and Andy. Though I'm writing this very early, I'm just going to
assume I'm your NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! If I'm not, then congrats to
the new Ryan "Brooklyn brawler" Dangerfeild as this would be his first (and
more than likely only) championship in his carrer. But for the rest of this
email, I'm just going to assume you both did the right thing and award me
this coveted belt.
If I did win, then I'm not sure if I really DESERVE it. Cam is a huge
seamen filled punching bag as it is. Anyone could have taken a money shot
at him. Beside he probably uses this sticky belt for autoerotic asphyxia,
which is frowned apond by the gay community. I'm done with you because I
know you cried. I don't deal with criers. I was surprised too, because I
thought a man with you're "fifty shades of gay" experience, you would have
had a tougher tear duct. I'm done with you now.
Fuck you faggot.
Jesus, that Dustin adio clip was intense. Andy, did you edit that clip or
did Dustin? Cause I was really impressed. It also sounded like Dustin
wasn't acting like a bad voice actor, but rather from the soul. Or
more accurately, Gods soul. I'm on team Dustin. Anything for getting rid of
that loser Cliffs notes. Cliffs notes? More like Cliff-DARSH!
Cliff, you only had only one positive effect on me. I remember how you told
us current listeners to not be afraid to email in. Cliff, I was one of
your decipels, and was the only one to emerge from your cry. But just
because you had a influence on me dosn't mean you're getting my vote. You
just became too mean sprited. Everything was everyone else's fault, or at
least in you're eyes. You gone mad with praise as Chis and Andy added fuel
to you're ego fire. You started to become slowly from a savior, to a
monster. Dustin, I wish I had a hand in this fight. I wish I could throw my
name in the hat and jump in. But I understand Honor and how you must fight
alone. Most good people do. Most EVIL people only understand pride. Cliff
will not be fighting for us the emailers or listeners , but for his own
pride. I wish you all the best Dustin. Oh and Cliff, If you're going to
respond back to me, dont bother. Whenever I hear "RAW. IS. CL-" I
fast forward the podcast 30 minutes just to make sure I skip you're cum
filled dribble.
Fuck you faggot.
INTERMISSION!
TOM ROPER? More like TOM is Cam Gullets best friend. I'm sure that's a
insult, I'm sure of it.
Well on to the questions I suppose, Andy loves them. Rather leave the funny
stuff to JB King, or if he can even Spell "funny". I wonder if he ever won
a spelling bee out of sheer pity durrrrrrrrrrrrr. Question 1!
I remember that there was a time that I use to watch TNA and WWE with
harmony. At one point, I would only watch TNA because of the fast paced
action and combination of rookies and legends. And while I don't watch
anymore, I hope TNA cleans up their act and start being what it use to be
in 2005-2008. However, there was one storyline that compleltey brought me
over the edge in terms of ever watching again. No not because of bad
storylines. No not because of the wrestling. And no, not because of Hogan.
It was out of sheer destruction of childhoods being destroyed on free TV.
A few years ago, Angle was divorced by his wife Karren. While Karren moved
on to Jeff Jarett, they decided to make a storyline out of it. Now I'm fine
with adults using their conflicts for the sake of entertainment, but Jesus
Christ leave the kids out of it. I remember watching segments where these
young children, who can't comprehend on whats going on btw, had their lives
been made mockery of. They put them in these segments where they were told
to disrespect Dixie and their own father in there household. I know, I
might be the only one who over reacted to this, but it was enough to
justify throwing a bomb in the DerpDerp Zone. So my first question is, was
there every anything on WWE or TNA Tv that completely made you say
"no....just no..."
Question 2. I know this one is kinda generic, as I hate asking generic
questions. I also hate "What-if" questions as they are what they are. Just
what-ifs. But IF you were going to make a logical TNA invasion storyline,
how would you do it. I thought it would have been perfect if Christen acted
as if he left his TRUE home in TNA at Slamaversery and they would have
carried over to the next night on RAW with facial expressions. it would
slowly make him want to go back to TNA and lead the charge of a hostile
take over.
And finally question 3. (And don't worry Andy. It's a REAL question this
time. YOU'RE FAVORITE!) If the Miami crowd has thought us anything, it's
that WWE fans have a voice not on the internet, But at big live events like
PPV's and RAW. If you could rally up a crowd in your city and ask them to
chant one thing, what would it be? Mine would be "My
names...............................Randy (clap clap clapclapclap)with the
entire arena being silent in the middle of it. Or something that
might benefit a superstar.
Thats all this week.You can send your emails to
Mondaynightflaw@flawedcast.net, Send you're tweets to our twitter we always
use, and Cam Gullet is a shit stain.
-Zing.
((read subject title for that to make sense))
XOXOXOXO your true intercontinental champion, TheTallOne.
PS. Also, fuck that "XOXO" Crap Austin. You Gay asshole.
Michael Hodge
What the Fuck Happened to That Guy?
Hey Chrandy,
I know this is the wrong show for this game, but what the fuck happened to Tito Santana? He doesn't get trotted out as one of the legends. There's no Tito Santana retrospective DVD. Pretty sure he's not dead. Did he just retire and go away, or is he behind the scenes somewhere?
Have fun. Play safe.
Your pal,
~Hodgey
James Ryan
I Pity All Fools
Greetings and salutations, Monday Night Trollz! Before I get to the
tete a tete-ing (huh?) Let's talk about Monday Night Raw! I don't
usually write emails to you guys like the other kids, so welcome back
me! Allow myself to introduce myself, I am James Ryan, "The Golden
Voice" of the Flawedcast Network! Now that I got that out of the way,
this is a special West Coast RAW live-emailing...
Was that not the most hilarious opening segment, albeit predictable,
3Way with Punk, D-Bryan, and AJ in a long time? One proposal? Two
proposals!?! #BONERALERT
With regards to AJ's happy entrance song, is it mostly gay that I just
want to download her..., ahem, theme to be my ringtone? #NOHOMO or
maybe #GAY4PAY, right Adam Dan??
Though, every time I do hear her "LIGHT IT UP!" theme, I can't help
but think she should be sharing that song with Smokey McBongWater. No?
Fuck you, then! I was going to go with a Cheech and Chong reference,
but I realized that only one of you would understand it. Seeing how
Chris has basically lived in a cave with his eyes closed and his
fingers in his ears since his hair migrated North for the 6th grade
winter. Damn you. I seriously just want to Chris Alt Delete your face.
Yet, thanks to last week's episode of Male Bag, located at the
ChuckleHut, it was revealed to the audience that Chris just absolutely
adores Gallagher! MidWesternHumor.com!
Not to be confused with Adam Dan's website, JacksonvilleTumor.org!
Or Nate's homepage, GoTinyCubs.Small! Punhouse Dot, oh wait, AM I
DOIN THIZ RITE????
Meanwhile back to RAW, John Cena just about said that he guarantees
that he's going to win the Money in the Bank match at the pay per
view! Way to alienate your remaining paying customers in that
valuable 18-35 demographic!!! Isn't his stupid catchphrase, "RISE
AGAINST HATE"??? This Boston Fag (no, not Cam Gullett, I'll touch on
him later, or maybe I'll just touch him), this Boston Fag has turned
into the biggest hater in the entire WWE since Big Show's heel turn!
In the words of the internet kids, "Stop being a Hater!!!"
This is one time I will hand it to TNA for actually putting the
championship belt on Austin Aries, one of their most popular wrestlers
at this time.
But other than fat mexican tweens, rednecks, other white people, and a
bunch of Make-A-Wish mutants, no normal person wants John Cena within
1000 yards near the title belt again. Wow. ironically enough, I
basically just described your core audience: Lucky Lopez, Cam Gullett,
Stuart Little, and Adam Dan! Mazel tov!
Let's talk about my broadcast colleague Cam Gullett for a moment, his
long lost father just made his triumphant return to RAW!! Bob Fuckin'
Backlund!!! Congrats Cam, too bad Backlund didn't pass on his
prodigious and robust vocabulary to you.
Cross-Faced Chicken Wing 4 life! Sit down Alt, they don't serve those
at Buffalo Wild Wings! CloggedArteries.NateCorbitt!
And speaking of Nate, congratulations on just being revealed as the
Anonymous RAW General Manager! You did a bang up job for the past two
years, tough guy! And to think, we gave you a ton of shit for sounding
stiff on the microphone on the Wait Till Next Year episodes. We
seriously had no clue that you were living a secret double life, RAW
GM and Lawn Gnome! Those are two stressful careers!
God Bless your Tiny Damaged Heart.
PS: Can you hook me up with some Travelocity discounts? Travelocity.com!
Now if we can just get an answer of who was behind G-TV, I can die a
happy man! A happy, lonely man. Brazzers.com!
Back to Live RAW: I'd like to penetrate Eve Torres in her Oompa Loompa
butt vagina. #YES!
Tag Match over. The Syracuse Orange mascot gets pinned by Tiny Vagina
AJ. Calm down, Dev, she's 25. And speaking of which, this week he'll
be counting down to 4 weeks until his local middle school returns from
summer vay-cay. #Stay100YardsAway!
Well, RAW is OVER now. The show started off with a bang, but ended in
a whimper and 2 AJ slaps. I won't lie, I do dig the whole
Punk/DBryan/AJ menois a trois storyline, though at first I really did
think this was one big set up for D-Bryan to get a title back. But
now I feel this could go any way. Maybe AJ will end up the champ! Is
Vince Russo still employed at this federation?? The rest? As long as
Cena doesn't win the briefcase, I'd be happy. Bottom line, I don't
email often to your little show, and I don't have a pre-set feud with
one of your followers, as yet. And as for the titles, they sound
nice. Thom is the current IC champ? No slam here. I love the Zartan
and the Dreadnoks, and those are YOUR people in animated form.
With that, I'm out. I gotta get back to editing out Cam's "Umms",
"Errs", and "Yeahs." and all of Alt's video game button sounds while
he plays "Bubblegum Chainsaw Pedophile" out of my show, THE ARMY OF
DORKNESS! Found exclusively on the Flawedcast Network!
Be well,
James Ryan, The Golden Voice of the Flawedcast Network
Cam Gullett
Is Cliff funny again yet? Don't worry I'll wait.
So Cliff thinks that Andy and I are not on a high enough level for him to
feud with eh? Sounds like code for Cliff being an unfunny twat who has no
good jokes about the Fuhrer and/or the "Dashing" one. #TeamFaber
Need a top 5 list of things that would be more entertaining than listening
to The Creepshow? No? Well we didn't NEED a 6 1/2 long podcast but that
fucking assclown gave us one so here goes:
5. Watching me do my "job" on a friday night.
4. Watching all 3 Transformers movie back-to-back-to-back.
3. Watching the Kansas City Royals play the Houston Astros.
2. Reading this stupid fucking list.
1. Watching a 60 minute Iron Man match between the Great Khali and Michael
Cole.
Tom Roper, more like Tom jerks off to midget porn while hanging from a
Rope-r.
Has anyone else noticed that Damien Sandow looks a lot like the Kryptonian,
Non, from Superman II?
Is Cliff funny again yet? I'll keep waiting.
When JB King sent in his Bingo game last week I assume he misspelled shit
like B9, yes?
Is it a coincedence that pedophilia, err Catholic supporter Dustin Faber
now resides in Pennsylvania?
In the battle of who can be douchier between Kenny King and TNA, who ya got?
Stu becoming a ten time champion is a great milestone in the MNF
heavyweight championship lore. I look forward to Stu using this stature to
end up fucking one of your daughters someday and then eventually running
Monday Night Flaw.
I really can't wait to hear the epic battle this week between Cliff "I
stopped being funny weeks ago" Snotes and Dustin "The Catholic
Curb-Stomper" Faber. This should easily be the best action that we have
ever heard on Monday Night Flaw, but only until I edit together my new
audiobook, "Confessions of a truckstop whore."
Word is that Rey Mysterio Jr is returning this tuesday at the Smackdown
taping which may actually bode well for Alberto Del Rio's chances at
beating Sheamus this Sunday as there is no way that Rey will be a heel and
he will most certainly be immediately in the title picture.
What do you guys think the chances are of getting an AJ wedding on the 1000
Raw are?
Finally, mercifully, I leave you with the hope that Tom Roper can get a
tryout match in TNA to finally realize my dreams of him getting his neck
snapped by Zema Ion.
As always,
"Dashing" Cam Gullett, cohost of Army of Dorkness, even though we rarely
record anymore because James is too busy making 6 1/2 hour long podcasts
that nobody wants.
Adam Dan
RAW
So I actually watched RAW this week, and all I have to say is that holy
Jesus FUCK does AJ have some amazing thighs.
-Adam
P.S. Tom Roper? More like TAINT RIPPER!!!
Vin Tanner
You're welcome for the $12 asshole
From the Desk of Flawedcast GM Vin Tanner
Dear Andy and Chris,
Sorry for being an absentee GM for a week. Now you know how
Andy's illegitimate kids feel. It was a holiday weekend and I needed to
pay respect to our country. So now I'll have to do some extra ads this
week to make up for my investment.
$19.99 shouldn't be too much of
a REACH for you Nate. Get going.
One more...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iLTfG75s6g What you didn't know
is that 70% of those 70% got their herpes from Cam. I hear he pops these
things like tic tacs after all the different strains of herpes he's
acquired. He's actually patient zero for 7 different kinds of STDs and 3
kinds of ass fungus. Cam's Patient Zero? More like Truck Stop Tranny
Hero. Am I right?
I tried to listen to all of the podcast last week, but I didn't get through
it all. Just a few quick notes for anyone that continues to think I'm
Cliff's Notes. Fuck you. Hey Cliff. How has no one pointed out the irony
that you named your self about the industry standard for shortening and
abridging literature and you can't seem to right an email shorter the Nate
Corbet. PUNSHOUSE.COM!!! And I mean real irony, not the kind that Alanis
Morrisette taught JB King. Hey King, I have a special ad for you this
week. There you go buddy. You
can be just like Marky Mark. Say hello to your mother for me. Alright?
Alter boy, we have no new female listeners. You can stop with the Cosmo's
and Virginia Slims. That and I'm not sure you're even old enough. Let me
get this straight. You're taking Algebra, you play video games, watch
wrestling and all the movies on the list you hadn't seen from last week
were the rated R ones. Are we sure your balls have even dropped yet? Why
am I asking you?? Hey, Cam. I don't need to know details, but can you
give us the low down on Chris' junk? We know you've been down there
before.
Andy, there was still no Europen Belt last week for Scottish Color Me Bad.
Please get on that this week.
Ok, off to check on my other investment.
Your GM,
Vin Tanner.
Stu Little
Ten
Awright guys,
Ten times World Champion, eh? Ah've only got wan thing tae say tae that:
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
AYE!
Don't worry, ah'm no daein' a JB King tribute wae the spellin' here. Ye may recall that I said that when this day came, ah'd celebrate by daein' a whole e-mail in phonetic scottish. Well here it is. Ah hope Andy is readin' this, cos ah doubt very much Chris could cope wae it, no' tae mention ah reckon his scottish accent is shite compared tae the Great Big Mooth. Just a disclaimer though, lads, naebody really speaks like ah'm aboot tae, because while ah'm using real stuff we say in Glasgow, ah'm also throwin' in stuff they say in Edinburgh and fae 50 year auld scottish comic strips Oor Wullie and The Broons. Ah'm perpetuating horrible stereotypes, so much so ah'm just short ae wearing a kilt and eatin' a tin ae shortbread...which despite the name isnae whit Nate Corbitt's sandwiches are made usin'. PUNSHOOSE.COM!
Special thanks tae Andy and Chris by the way fur daein' this show. It's a great laugh writing fur it, and despite aw the jokes ah make aboot Chris' pronunciation and editing, you two gie up your time fur it and all the other stuff ye both dae fur the network. JB was asking last week aboot whit oor favourite moments were fae the show's history, and just hearing Chris laugh is hilarious, and no' just because he sounds like's chokin' tae death. It's just so infectious. The stuff wae your daughter is adorable an' aw, Chris. Ah also loved the joke aboot the saxophone music and weird lighting that follows Aksana aroon' being cos she's part ae the Undertaker family and the music comes fae opening an urn wae Val Venis' ashes inside. Andy...ah loved when ye did the the Impact Recap in Terrance and Phillip voice, because e-mails are always funnier when ye read them oot in a ridiculous accent. At least ah think so, fur some reason. But whit dae ah ken? Ah'm just a talkin' moose. That's MOOSE, no' moose. The kind ye find in the skirting board ae yer hoose. Or under the floorboards...because they're loose.
Congratulations tae ma fellow countryman Tom Roper fur winning the Intercontinental Title. Ye've proved ye've got some mic skills, now all you need is tae actualy work on, y'know, winning matches if ye ever expect tae capture a non-virtual belt.
Dustin Faber? Mair like...Dustin' ma Caber aff so's ah can chuck it at Cliff's Notes. Am ah right? #TeamFaber.
Ah'd like tae alter ma theory aboot Brian VanAlstyne's countdown. It's no' for the removal ae his ankle bracelet. He's just lowering the maximum age ae his victims every week. Must be some sort ae mid-life crisis.
Anyway, on tae SmackDown, where throughoot the show, Teddy Long wis huvin' a barbeque, and serving up stuff like hot dogs and burgers. Speaking ae burgers, dae ye ken whit they call a quarter pounder wae cheese in Glasgow? Health food! Deep fry that bastard in batter and then we'll talk. Otherwise, don't waste ma time. Anyway, Teddy had a bit ae trouble lighting the grill up, so Kane hud tae use his magic powers tae get it goin'. Ah dunno why he disnae use that mair, and why the WWE disnae exploit it. Ah mean he could guest star on Mad Men as Sterling Cooper's new ad executive, and use it to light a chick's cigarette all suave-like. Or here's a thought...he could just set his opponents on fire! He'll break Zack Ryder's back, but no' light him up? Remember that time he used a lightning bolt to set someone one fire when him and Undertaker were showin' aff their powers? Noo, he comes oo tae the ring wearing a second protective mask because he's scared ae whit? Sparks? Dammit Kane, ye used tae be cool.
Secondly, ah'm so, so sorry. On a previous show ah said they should repackage Hornswoggle as a devious mastermind...but ah didnae mean by making him the anonymous Raw GM! Ma occassional powers ae prophecy have been twisted fur dark purposes, and fur that, ah apologise. And giving his mannerisms when he was revealed and how he didnae say a word, can we assume he's back tae being a mute hyperactive leprechaun wae the personality ae a 6 year auld? #FuckTreatingDwarvesLikeRealPeople?
Still, it was good tae see Bob Backlund on the show, however briefly. He's apparently no' quite auld enough tae main event TNA, so it was nice ae WWE tae throw him a bone.
Finally, ah wanted tae ask what ye think ae how WWE writes oot (or disnae write oot) people who leave the company? Ah personally like a bit ae closure and continuity wae wrestling characters, so when they actually go tae the trouble ae acknowledging someone leaving or lead up tae it, ah think it's cool, and it's annoying when they just let it go by withoot comment. As an example, when John Morrison left, they actually wrote an injury intae his last appearance, and then used it a week later tae get some heat fur Laurinaitis when he announced he'd future endeavoured Morrison. That was a neat and logical way ae daein' it. They also had the mair humorous way of "killing" him on the Z! True Long Island Stories at the same time, which they've continued tae reference. Compare it tae how wan week Mr. Kennedy had shown up back on Raw, telling Randy Orton he's gonnae be the next champion, then the next, released with absolutely nae mention ae it on tv. If WWE really don't want tae gift wrap their people fur the competition, would it no' make mair sense to send them away in a storyline that puts the idea in the audience's minds that they're only in TNA or wherever because they had tae leave the "big leagues"? Whit's your thoughts, and are there any exit storylines and sendoffs ye remember liking?
Speaking of endings...ah guess ah should make mah big announcement. Now that ah've gotten ten wins, ah think ah don't have to prove mahself any mair, so today, I, Stuart William Little, am formally announcing mah retirement.
Fae Rap.
Ah know this is going tae be a devastating blow tae a lot ae the listeners, who nae doubt wish that Scott Land could just keep dropping the rhymes indefinitely, but...ah have tae recognise when mah best days are behind me, and pack it in. Ah will not rule out the occasional return, however. This is really mair ae a Jay-Z style retirement, but nothing's in the works for the forseeable future. Ah may have a producer role on Nate Corbitt aka MC Busta Kneecap's new LP though, titled "Foot High Supafly". PUNSHIZOOSE.COM! Ah hope ye all understand. Goodnight and God bless. Peace oot.
Stu
Dustin Faber
The idiocy of the WWE
After seeing what the WWE did on Monday night, well, I have to wonder. Do
they think I'm stupid or something? Hornswaggle as the Anonymous RAW GM was
the dumbest reveal in any TV show I've ever watched. The villains in Scooby
Doo made more sense than this. There's absolutely no way WWE had
Hornswaggle in mind when they created this gimmick. They probably did it at
the last minute thinking they'd get a laugh. But at 10:45 p.m. ET, who is
the target audience? Who in their right mind wanted Hornswaggle to be the
RAW GM? John Laurinitus, from a story-line perspective, would have been the
perfect payoff. It would make complete sense for him to be the guy who
tormented all of us for years. I'm hoping that the anonymous RAW GM will
chime in next week and say that Hornswaggle hijacked his computer. That's
the only way this can be salvaged.
Other topics.
- There's a rumor going around that Tim Tebow could train for MMA. I find
it laughable, as he already has a full-time NFL job. But it got me
thinking, what pro athletes would make good WWE athletes, no matter how
unrealistic it may be for them to take the job? I think Rajon Rondo would
make a great tag-team partner for Kofi Kingston (similar size and
athleticism), Lebron James, for his athleticism, size and charisma, and Ron
Artest, because he's just a crazy nutjob.
- I have watched my WWE Ladder Match DVD a million times. Not including
pay-per-views, what WWE DVD recommendations do you have?
- Finally, there is a man that needs to be addressed. His name is Cliffs
Notes. Gun to my head, I doubt he accepts my challenge for Male Bag 12.
Maybe he will, but given his heel mindset, I'm going to assume he is too
scared to go one on one with me. It angers me to no end: Just a simple
challenge, yet he doesn't have the guts to live up to the greatness he
built up in his mind.
But we all know I'm Mr. Catholic, and Jesus said to pray for your enemies.
So I'd like to take this opportunity to close out my email in thoughtful
prayer for Cliff's Notes.
In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit or insert deity you believe in
here,
Love you God, and sorry for the bad stuff I've done. Thank you God for the
trees, cherry preserves, bubble baths and Guam. Please be with our soldiers
fighting overseas, the professional wrestlers who put all their bodies on
the line night in and night out, and that ugly bastard Cliff's Notes.
God, I know you can take away the pain that Cliff's Notes bring us on a
weekly basis. I ask you give me the ability to defeat him in Male Bag 12,
13 or whenever he grows a twig and berries and faces me like the man he
purports to be. God you know me. I didn't ask for a feud. I just liked
hearing my emails get answered each week. But now that you put this
overbearing chore of a disease in my life, I ask that you give me the
strength to pull an Atom Dan and defeat this cancer to our great show.
Lord, I humbly pray that you don't let any of Cliff's Note's Dreams come
true, and that he dies the way he came into the world. Cold, alone, blind
and helpless. OK, that last part was a little much God, but if you could
have him stub his toe, get a parking ticket or lose the tv remote, that'd
be great.
Your only Undefeated Champion and Straight-edge emailer
Dustin Faber
CliffsNotes
FLAW IS CLIFFSNOTES
WELCOME
TO:
FOURTEEN PAGES
IS
CLIFFSNOTES!!!
Well Andy, you asked for this. I don't know what the hell happened this past week. You’re calling me unfunny, and Chris is suddenly going out of his way to show me respect.
So Andy has aligned himself with Dustin alongside Cam. A tall long-haired stoner from California, a guy who fiercely lives by his rules and religion and wants everyone to observe them, and the annoying lap-dog guy that just wants to fit in. I'm now feuding with #TeamLebowski. OVER THE LINE! Mark it Donny!
My feud with Dustin Faber will not be taking place in a wrestling ring; it will be in the bowling alley parking lot. Give us the money Lebowski!
Andy you’ll need to excuse yourself from your hosting duties for the fight, and get James Ryan to appear as “The Stranger” and provide the voice over. Nobody else on this network can come close to Sam Elliott’s voice.
And I suppose this means that Brian Van Alstyne will be aligning with me against #TeamLebowski as “The Jesus”. What’s a pederast? Shut the fuck up Donny.
Before I get to Dustin, a few other things need to be discussed.
First, I’d like to address the brother of “The Dude” Andy Gaston. Mister Aaron Gaston. Sir, thank you for all of your hard work on this network. However, I think you are a bit mistaken on the amount of originality around here. We are constantly forced to create and develop new ideas. To help you get caught up to how the Male Bag works here's a brief overview - or the "Cliffs Notes" version" - of the cycle for originality around here
Week One: an original clever idea introduced in a Male Bag. Author receives many compliments and votes.
Week Two: a clever twist on the original idea introduced, often by someone else.
Week Three: about four riffs on the original idea, ranging in quality from excellent down to a "Good job! Good effort!" earned by Adam Dan.
Week Four: Andy declares that this idea has now raped the shark.
See? Four Weeks. That’s the life cycle of an original idea before it is murdered. That’s not bad. There is another variation on originality, though. It usually goes like this:
Day One: a random nonsensical humorous meme mocking a specific wrestler is introduced, usually by Chris Alt on MNF.
Days Two through Thirty: about half the emails on Male Bag smoothly work this wrestler and reference into their notes.
Day Thirty-one: Wrestler is future-endeavored.
Day Thirthy-Two: Just about every email acknowledges that the wrestler will be missed in their own unique way.
Day Thirty-Five: Chris Alt is not funny and that meme makes no sense and Chris is a jerk for not having seen the original Evil Dead, according to a bitter email from Cam Gullet. Shut the fuck up, Donny.
So... the anonymous Raw GM shows up on Raw the same week Vin Tanner goes missing from Flaw. Coincidence? I think not. But it would fit the narrative here on Monday Night Flaw that Vin Tanner is really Nate Corbitt.
Oh wait... you still think I am Vin Tanner? Sure. You're right. You caught me. I might as well come clean. I have an addiction. I'm addicted to Gimmicks. Not only am I Cliffs Notes the new emailer guy, Serpienete Enmascarada, and CliffsNotes the heel Jericho guy; not only am I Vin Tanner, but I am also many other characters on this network.
I am Austin Sanders!
I am also Future Star and Shean Walsh!
But my masterpiece is that I am JB King!!! And let me tell you, pretending to screw up my punctuation and grammar and spelling that much is a chore.
But that's not all. I am really none of those people. I am Scott Taylor! Now Cue My Music!!! No. Not Really. Please don't play Scott Taylor's music.
So last week, JB King suggested that we commemorate the significant achievement of the 1,000th Raw by recalling our favorite... Wait what? We are celebrating the 10th Male Bag? Is ten episodes an accomplishment on this network? Another example of the low standards around here. I can't wait for the tenth episodes of other shows on this network:
Gamer and Proud 10.0 will be Jon's final episode, as he spends the entire episode arguing with Chris about his RIGHTS to play video games WITHOUT agreeing to any of the Terms And Conditions required to play games released by a CORPORATION.
Alcoholocaust Ten will feature Chris Alt drunk on Lime-a-rita's. His co-host is a homeless Dustin Faber, who broke into a nearby church to steal wine for his appearance.
Army of Dorkness X. This is the third episode without Cam. James Ryan is just using a Cam Gullett soundboard for a few random stupid comments. Ratings have increased eight-fold since the change.
The tenth episode of Flawmentary will be Tyler Houston, Chris Alt, and Aaron Gaston drinking scotch and smoking cigars as they provide the Andy Gaston Roast while watching the video of his burial. They play poker to divide up his network and scotch.
TV For Vendetta episode 10 will arrive in 2016, as Chris and Brian discuss the end of NBC, CBS, and ABC. They will review the new season of shows on Netflix, YouTube, Google, and Amazon. Also, this will be Brian's first show from prison.
Sixth Year Seniors 10th episode will focus on the latest Bobby Petrino sex scandal. He once again found a whore in Arkansas.... this time at a Waffle House.
So back to JB King. He wants us to celebrate the 10th Male Bag. OK. I'll play along. Congratulations Chris and Andy, it's an honor to be writing to you guys on this, the tenth Male Bag, and I hope you...wait... this is Male Bag 11? We are celebrating the 10th Male Bag in Male Bag 11? Well, there's JB King Math for you. King, do you exchange Christmas presents in January, too?
Alright. I’ll help commemorate the first ten episodes of Male Bag. But I’ll do it in my own way. I re-listened to some of the last 10 episodes this week. Here’s some thoughts and memories:
Male Bag 3 was really, really good and still holds up a few months later. I was thoroughly entertained listening to it again. Serpiente won the title that week, but everyone else had a great turn, too. In fact, I'll go as far as saying that JB turned in one of his top three emails, and Stu and I have won the weekly title with much weaker efforts. However, the other emailers also brought tremendous talent, and absolutely had their moments too. Any new listeners out there should check that show out.
Also in Male Bag 3, Andy curiously said this: "Dustin you will never in a million years have a shot at emailer of the week". And now, you want to put this guy in a headline feud. Great talent scouting Andy. Were you embarrassingly wrong then? Or are you wrong now?
Andy and Chris: Even though you have both been a thorn in my side recently, I will compliment both of you. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your voices and imitations over these shows.
But because you have both been a thorn in my side recently, I'm going to make you work during my email. That's right. I'm turning the tables. I’m not here to entertain you. You are here to entertain me. I'm putting you guys on the spot and making you use your voices, starting NOW.
The Scene: Mr McMahon is seated at a desk in a room with cheap wood paneling and blue curtains hung from a wall with no windows. A poster of The Marine 3 is on the left, and a SummerSlam poster of Brock Lesnar's face is on the right.
A pounding knock is heard at the door.
MR MCMAHON (Chris): WHO IS IT!!!
Randy Orton (Chris): My name........... Is Randy...
MR MCMAHON: YES. SIT DOWN RANDY.
Randy Orton: .....Orton!
MR MCMAHON: UMM RIGHT. ANYWAYS RANDY, WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE. STEPHANIE WANTS TO FIRE YOUR ASS BUT HUNTER DOESN'T. WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Randy Orton: I think........ That I can strike....
MR MCMAHON: YOU'RE GOING ON STRIKE?
Randy Orton: ... At any......time.
MR MCMAHON: YOU ARE A GIANT DOUCHEBAG. WE ARE MAKING SOME CHANGES. FIRST, WE ARE DROPPING YOU TO THE MIDCARD. HEY QUIT SHITTING ON THAT PLANT. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION? CAN I CONTINUE?
Randy Orton: CUNT.... In you?
MR MCMAHON: GODDAMMIT ORTON ARE YOU NINE??? SITDOWN AND SHUT UP!!!. WE ARE ALSO CHANGING YOUR GIMMICK. TRIPLE H HAS HIS SLEDGEHAMMER. BUT HIS LAZY ASS IS RETIRED. SO I WANT YOU TO START USING IT. BUT THERES A TWIST. WATCH THIS VHS TAPE...
Gallagher (Andy): It slices! It dices! It smashes!! It gashes!! And don’t you wanna know how it works??? It’s the Sledge-o-matic! You want juice? Watch me smash these grapefruits!!!!
MR MCMAHON: HE SAID GRAPEFRUITS! HAHAHAHAHA! ORTON, I TRUST YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?
Randy Orton: You shouldn't .... Trust me...
MR MCMAHON: SHUT UP. ALSO YOUR NEXT FEUD IS GOING TO BE WITH A NEW GUY. HE'S MEXICAN AND GAY! GET IN HERE SERPIENTE MARICON!
Serpiente Maricon (Chris): ooh la la! Ola Señor Oily Orton! Hey!!! Dos sexy serpientes! <insert kissing sounds>. Yo soy un fan de la chin-locks! Sexo anal en fuego!!! No me gusta señoritas. Señor Orton molestero Serpiente Maricon!
Randy Orton: I don't…… Speak ......Mexican....
MR MCMAHON: DOESN’T MATTER. YOU’RE ALSO GETTING A NEW MANAGER. AND HERE HE IS!!! STEINER GET IN HERE.
Serpiente Maricon: Ohhhhh! Big Poppa Pump! Grande Papi de la Bomba! Papi Bomba Maricon! Si! Si! Si! Tres Hombre's!!! Por Favor!!! Muy Muscles!!! Trio Homosexual!!
Scott Steiner (Andy): You see Randy before I came along, you were just one man, so you only had a fifty percent chance of winning a match. But Nowwwwwww, since I’m here, we are now Twooooo men, so we have doubled your odds, so you have a hundred percent chance of winning a match.
MR MCMAHON: THERE YOU GO ORTON YOU PEASANT. YOU WORK FOR ME. YOU WILL DO WHAT I SAY.
Randy Orton: No…. I don't..... Think...
MR MCMAHON: OBVIOUSLY
Randy Orton: ....so.... Meet my... New agent.
A knock on the door
MR MCMAHON: WHO IS THIS GUY?
John Merediethethith (Andy): You see Mr McMahon, your CORPORATION is dragging down my client with all your RULES and your CONTRACTS. And you’re making my client work as an INDEPENDENT CONTRACTOR but forcing gall these EMPLOYMENT RULES on him! And now your wife is trying to run for a seat with the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT where you can dictate more rules through the MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX. You’re just using the POLITICAL ARENA and the LIBERAL MEDIA to attack my client. I'm not going to allow you and your COPORATE PARTNERS continue this CONSPIRACY against my client to hurt his freedoms!
MR MCMAHON: OHH CHRIST. STEINER, I’M TIRED OF LISTENING TO THIS. GET RID OF THAT GUY.
Scott Steiner (Andy): I’m Big Poppa Pump! Let’s go Spanish!
MR MCMAHON: NO NOT THE QUEER MEXICAN. THE OTHER ONE. YOU KNOW WHICH ONE, RIGHT?
Scott Steiner: He’s FAT!
And…. Scene!
For the 20 th Male Bag celebration (which will occur during Male Bag 23), I’ll add in a rap from SCOT LAND, and I’ll have Chris recite an entire Family Guy episode.
But we’re not done yet. Andy, you wanted 14 pages, we are almost there!
Speaking of SCOT LAND, hey Stu! Welcome Back to the top of the mountain. Two in a row. You and I, sir. You and I know that feeling. But I will be back.
Hey Roper. Congrats on the Monday Night Flaw Intercontinental Title. This is the most prestigious title you’ve held, isn’t it? By the way, did you notice that the highest vote total for one of your emails was from when you were dead? Is that a big enough hint?
Thank You WWE for the confusing Raw Money In The Bank match. Cena, Jericho, Show, and Kane. Who the hell is the Face?
And now, it is time.
Time for what you’ve all been waiting for. The stage is set. Here I sit, in the center of a red-carpeted squared-circle. There’s a nice table and podium and a clipboard. And a single shiny pen! That’s right, it’s the most exciting Sports Entertainment Segment possible! The Contract Signing!
Dustin Faber.
Dustin, Dustin, Dustin.
You’ve called me out. You sent in not an email, but your own unedited, unfiltered, quivering and spooky voice with absolutely no sound effects present whatsoever.
The passion in your voice was clear.
Dustin has had enough.
Dustin is going to shepherd in a new era, and rid the land of the scourge known as CliffsNotes. Dustin is rounding up his sheep with his #TeamFaber t-shirts. He’s been calling his friends and they are drinking punch in the church basement and drawing up their colorful #DustiNation posters.
Dustin. Be careful what you wish for.
You want a piece of me?
Heh. Heh. Your ambition is so cute.
Dustin, you have again forgotten. I am here to Save Us all from Mediocrity.
And I will give you a tiny amount of credit. You have juuuuuuuuust barely pulled yourself up over the edge and ever so slightly, you have risen above Mediocrity. Congratulations on your one, single title. And last week, you got a few votes to reach second place. But now, you think your feelings and your emotions and your opinions matter? No, son. Don’t get ahead of yourself.
You are not worth my time, and you are not worth a title feud, and I will not be the instrument that banishes you from this show.
THE ANSWER IS NO.
Right now you’re at the back of the line. Keep working on your writing skills. Take a few classes. Open a book that wasn’t written two thousand years ago, so you might stir up some relevant and current opinions for this show. And maybe in a few years, when you win your second or third title, we can see if you are worth my time.
I AM CLIFFSNOTES.
Aaron Gaston
3 weeks and counting.
All I'm asking for is one original idea.
Yet again you all let me down. More like ... Damn it.
Cliff - Eat three dicks. Make it Four. Your letter this week was an exaggerated version of my letter last week. Cliff equation - If it's funny in passing... why not palgerise the whole fucking letter? You might as well ask Andy to read in a goofy accent.
Spit venom in interviews, speakin on reunions?
Move units, then talk shit and we can do this
Until then - I ain't even speakin your name
Just keep my name outta yo' mouth and we can keep it the same.
(dr Dre)
You are a scab, a pawn, another underage target for Brian Van-I'll-Rape-That-Kid, a lowly LISTENER. Know your roll and shut your mouth! I've taken more popular shit's than you. mmaHole has been downloaded on a petabyte scale from the mighty Flawedcast empire, you have written two love notes and a "how to" guide to sucking ass at life. My voice is loved by trillions, you're own mother couldn't pick you out of a lineup. Do you even know who your dad is? Of course you don't! You were born in a dumpster. I was born in a golden crib, adorned in diamonds and pussy and weed.
This must be what it's like having a special needs child (no offense to Cletus' Parents). You still see the beauty in their deep sad eyes, you can ignore the arm growing out of their forehead, you want them to do well, yet you can't trust them to brush their own teeth without them causing permanent brain trauma.
We need a hero. A patriot. An ambassador of the Flawedcast name. Someone who isn't afraid to take his ideas and dreams and make them a reality. I haven't yet seen that from your degenerate listeners.
They are complacent, lazy and repetitive. Same act, different week. We need someone brave and noble like that Kemper Arena rigging assistant hired in '99 to, among other things, "Ensure the longevity of the WWF brand". (A task he was triumphantly successful in performing) In fact I wear a blue blazer every May 23 to honor that visionary genius.
I say again to you good gentlemen, cease and desist!
I will be watching...
Spidey
JB King
Back to the jokes
Hey guys, when are you going to put up the “Team Faber” shirts up on your
Flawedcast store? Also, put me down for two rape whistles. I’m going to the
ESPYs tonight and I’m sure these will come in handy when my “N” word
tourrets kick in. Thanks.
Holy shit, Easy E Gaston is contributing now? I’m glad the talented Wayne’s
brother of this network is finally on here. Anyway, a word to you Easy E.
I’m glad you are asking these mouth breathers to step up and be funny again
but you need to threaten them better than just a simple virus. Cam Gullet
has AIDs, do you think another virus is going to shape him up? Hell, Cam
doesn’t even have a computer. No need to send something to Chris’ laptop.
And Cliff has 37 different email accounts. Good luck picking the right one.
And I doubt it will scare Adam Dan. If you really want to scare the shit
out of him, email him a job application. If he got a job, he would be more
disappointed than when his resume was declined for the paraplegic Olympics,
because apparently missing half a brain doesn’t qualify you for such events.
Stu, congratulations. I admire your work and hope you keep bringing the
heat. I’m giving you the heads up though. I will take that title again
someday. Because I take what I want! And after I’m done with Thom and Cliff
I WANT DA GOLD SUCKA! STU LITTLE! WE COMING FOR YOU NIGGA! By the way, I’ve
dated enough coloreds, so I can say that.
(JOHNNYHASONLYDATEDMINORITES.SHOCKING) That’s right, I’m reaching for that
belt like Nate Corbitt reaches for his heart medication stuck in his kid’s
old high chair. Anyway, onto Thom.
The last time Thom Roper did something funny he shot himself in the head.
Which he still milks to this day. Suck it up you dingo fucking pussy. How
long does it take for a brain injury to heal? Perhaps that explains the
half assed failed jokes you give on MNF. Thom Roper’s jokes are as potent
as Adam Dan’s sperm. But I will be the gentleman here and end this Thom
Bomb with a poem. Roses are red, violets are blue, eat a bag of dicks and
die already.
Speaking of people that eat a lot, what is the 411 on getting Nikki Bella
on this show? Apparently she sucked the fat out of her stomach and put it
in her funbags. See yourself.
p.twimg.com/AxPOWgBCIAIeZUJ.jpg:large
Back to wrestling. I’m looking forward to the PPV but I have to say I’m
mildly confused. What happened to the Primetime players? Weren’t they
supposed to get a title shot? Did I miss an episode of Superstars or
something? I figured the match already happened so I checked youtube. I
typed in “Black on black violence” and while I found some amazingly
entertaining videos, I still couldn’t find the match. Oh well, might as
well forget about it already since creative did. Let’s just get to the
questions.
Question one: Holy shit, what the hell was up with that Hornswaggle GM
bullshit? He makes WWE miserable for a year and a half and the best
punishment they could think of was Jerry Lawler putting him over his knee
and spanking him? (Or as DevSop calls it, foreplay) It’s times like this
that REALLY make me miss JBL throwing Hornswaggle into a cage. Maybe they
could have ended this better by having a Scooby Doo angle. Santino could
have had Hornswaggle tied up and unmasked him to reveal him to be the mini
boogeyman, unmask him again and show Max Mini, unmask him again to reveal
Vince McMahon screaming “IT’S ME AUSTIN! IT WAS ME ALLLLLL ALONG AUSTIN!”
Despite all this, at least it had closure. I guess what I’m asking is, what
other storylines would you have liked to see completed before they were
forgotten into obscurity?
Question Two: Sin Cara is going to win MITB. Why you ask? Because only Sin
Cara can pull off the emotion of the epic finger point. Instead of
threating wrestlers with well thought out promos and backstage threats, he
can just pop up in random places to spook the World Heavyweight Champion by
pointing at him or the belt and then vanish into thin air. WWE can even
have the subtext of “SOON” underneath Sin Cara every time he does it. He
may get the finger point more over than when Hogan did it all those years
ago. Now that I think of it, if he pointed at his opponent like Hogan did
and the audience yelled out “TUUUUUU!” I would mark out like when Texas did
the “Cabron” chant to Del Rio two weeks ago. I don’t know where this is
going. Thoughts?
Question Three: Lastly, the big story of the summer, where is it? We’ve had
the summer of Punk last year. The Nexus takeover the year before, and SES
Punk vs drugged up Jeff Hardy the year prior. Most of them come out of
nowhere and I haven’t seen anything too astonishing. So I just wanted to
know what your guys’ guess is for the big summer angle.
Well that’s it for this week. I just wanted to say a final farewell to that
special someone out there, and that’s you Cliff. I’m intimidated by you?
Let’s cut the shit Jon. You want to say that I pander to this network yet
you are the one that gives Andy $12? You want to go off and say I bring
nothing to the show now? Just last week I caused Chris and Andy to fight
and break up. Scream at one another. Reveal Andy’s dark abortion past.
Reveal Chris’ lack of movie knowledge. Watched them get back together. And
helped influence two ideas for new shows. All within 3 sentences. Meanwhile
your weird babble just makes Andy and Chris bored to death. You are a shell
of your former self.
I hope Dustin Faber (who was apparently voiced by Nick Nolte last week)
destroys you with the most carrying, kind and uplifting email he can
possibly muster. So now you have to think and figure out a way to compete
with him. How you ask? I’m sure it’s the same way you plan your other
emails. And by that, I mean you sit at your kid’s tea set and talk with
several stuffed animals. Kind of like what Cartman from South Park did. One
is a Ken doll in a suit named “Vin Tanner”, one is a Barbie doll with its
hair ripped out and has a pencil drawn beard named “Chrissy” who is his
only encouragement left. And the other two are wrestling figures. One is
Chis Jericho and the other is Rey Mysterio representing El Serpiente.
((((Have andy and chris switch off, i.e. have one be cliff and the other be
the dolls)))
(cliff)Would you like some more tea Serpiente?
(serpiente) “SI! SI! SI!”
(cliff) There you go little buddy, and for you miss Chrissy?
(Chrissy: high pitched girl voice) “Oh Cliff, you are so funny and coooooo”
(cliff) “Why thank you Chrissy! What do you think little Jericho?”
(Jericho)“ABORTIONS FOR ALL LIBERALS! THE GOVERNMENT TOOK MY BABY! OBAMA?
MORE LIKE NOBAMA!”
(cliff) “That’s a good idea Jericho! That sounds so funny! I’m sure it will
go over soooo well!”
(Vintanner) I wish daddy was still alive...
(cliff) GET OUTTA MY HEAD !!!
…
Three hours later and “tada” you get an e-mail from him. That’s his “magic”
he brings to the table. Fuck that guy. Go team Faber.
Love, peace and penis grease
Johnny
Aaron Gaston
How's This?
Dear Johnny,
I will drive to your house and mouth-fuck your children on the burning carcasses of your kin and everything you own.
Threat delivered,
Spidey
