Rating the Wrestling Men
Jul 25, 2008 3:05:32 GMT -5
Post by Lucky on Jul 25, 2008 3:05:32 GMT -5
This is just awesome and hilarious. You'll all mock me and joke about how I might have come upon it and some of you will accuse me of writing it. But its awesome and worth sharing.
When I was in college I had a gay roommate and we used to have a running gag where while watching TV we'd randomly turn to him and ask "Is he hot?" He'd play along most of the time, sometimes he'd get annoyed but we were boys so it was cool. But the best part of it was about wrestling, which he constantly mocked us for watching since it is of course just gay porn with men rolling around in their underwear covered in oil. But man oh man did he think the men of wrestling were ugly. So I love being able to email him this.
progressiveboink.com/index.php?/archive/rating-the-wrestling-men-part-1/
progressiveboink.com/index.php?/archive/rating-the-wrestling-men-part-2/
progressiveboink.com/index.php?/archive/rating-the-wrestling-men-part-3/
Some excerpts I enjoy especially.
Ok, go read. I probably posted too much but there's still plenty of gems for those of you who don't mind reading a gay blog.
When I was in college I had a gay roommate and we used to have a running gag where while watching TV we'd randomly turn to him and ask "Is he hot?" He'd play along most of the time, sometimes he'd get annoyed but we were boys so it was cool. But the best part of it was about wrestling, which he constantly mocked us for watching since it is of course just gay porn with men rolling around in their underwear covered in oil. But man oh man did he think the men of wrestling were ugly. So I love being able to email him this.
progressiveboink.com/index.php?/archive/rating-the-wrestling-men-part-1/
progressiveboink.com/index.php?/archive/rating-the-wrestling-men-part-2/
progressiveboink.com/index.php?/archive/rating-the-wrestling-men-part-3/
Some excerpts I enjoy especially.
HARDCORE HOLLY
Robert Thurman Holly graduated in 1988 from the University of Alabama, where he led the Crimson Tide his senior year in total yards. Following his graduate studies abroad, he spent two years working as a ship steward before stumbling one night upon a score of Irishmen playing catch-as-catch-can Marquis de Queensbury rules “pins” down the steerage deck. Fascinated by the lithe athleticism on display in these soused braggarts, Holly began the long journey towards competing in the “squared circle”. By fits and starts, he got his opportunities. He has toiled, oh yes, he has toiled. He has taken his lumps and dished out a fair number as well. But he has remained, always, Alabama’s faithful son.
Pros: I remember one time we were all living in a run-down house in Bridgeport and Jamie got jumped on the way home from work. He didn't do anything, just smiled when he should have looked away. He came home with 11 stitches and both eyes swollen shut, but what could we do? We ended up drinking until we couldn't stand up and the next day we got on with our lives. You know why? Because there aren't enough hostile queers in life. People will tell you that Bob Holly is old and he's bitter and they don't know what you see in him. Take them to the bar with him and watch his eyes when someone says the wrong thing. God bless you Bob Holly; Gays bash back.
Cons: How many lectures on the Stonewall Riots and gratitude am I expected to sit through? Yes, I'm ecstatic that I can walk down the street, now would you like to do that with me or not?
Pat Patterson Memorial Ranking: 5.2
Robert Thurman Holly graduated in 1988 from the University of Alabama, where he led the Crimson Tide his senior year in total yards. Following his graduate studies abroad, he spent two years working as a ship steward before stumbling one night upon a score of Irishmen playing catch-as-catch-can Marquis de Queensbury rules “pins” down the steerage deck. Fascinated by the lithe athleticism on display in these soused braggarts, Holly began the long journey towards competing in the “squared circle”. By fits and starts, he got his opportunities. He has toiled, oh yes, he has toiled. He has taken his lumps and dished out a fair number as well. But he has remained, always, Alabama’s faithful son.
Pros: I remember one time we were all living in a run-down house in Bridgeport and Jamie got jumped on the way home from work. He didn't do anything, just smiled when he should have looked away. He came home with 11 stitches and both eyes swollen shut, but what could we do? We ended up drinking until we couldn't stand up and the next day we got on with our lives. You know why? Because there aren't enough hostile queers in life. People will tell you that Bob Holly is old and he's bitter and they don't know what you see in him. Take them to the bar with him and watch his eyes when someone says the wrong thing. God bless you Bob Holly; Gays bash back.
Cons: How many lectures on the Stonewall Riots and gratitude am I expected to sit through? Yes, I'm ecstatic that I can walk down the street, now would you like to do that with me or not?
Pat Patterson Memorial Ranking: 5.2
MATT HARDY
Matt Hardy is the less interesting Hardy Boy in every way imaginable. From his bland moveset to his stupid hair to his lopsided face that looks like the cover of the Necronomicon, Matt Hardy is bor-ing. He’s the brother who stayed up all night sewing outfits for other wrestlers and busting his ass promoting his indie fed and making ends meet, meanwhile Jeff was dropping acid and writing techno songs about tractors and shaving a Spider-Man into his beard. Matt Hardy is loyal, devoted, driven and professional. Jeff is a drug addict who paints shitty art and has a set of outdoor dogs he keeps in a cage and an indoor dog that he carries around and lets lick his face. The end result is that Matt’s fiancée fucks Edge and Matt gets fired, and Jeff fails like twenty drug tests and gets a main event run. Not even God likes you, Matt Hardy.
Matt Hardy is the less interesting Hardy Boy in every way imaginable. From his bland moveset to his stupid hair to his lopsided face that looks like the cover of the Necronomicon, Matt Hardy is bor-ing. He’s the brother who stayed up all night sewing outfits for other wrestlers and busting his ass promoting his indie fed and making ends meet, meanwhile Jeff was dropping acid and writing techno songs about tractors and shaving a Spider-Man into his beard. Matt Hardy is loyal, devoted, driven and professional. Jeff is a drug addict who paints shitty art and has a set of outdoor dogs he keeps in a cage and an indoor dog that he carries around and lets lick his face. The end result is that Matt’s fiancée fucks Edge and Matt gets fired, and Jeff fails like twenty drug tests and gets a main event run. Not even God likes you, Matt Hardy.
BOOGEYMAN
Yes, the Boogeyman. Nope, not a fellow who greatly enjoys dancing, rather A NEFARIOUS MYSTICAL NIGHTMARE MAN. Yes, coming to a wrestling ring to wrestle another man is none other than A MYTHICAL SPOOK WITH BAD INTENTIONS. Remember when you were a small child, quivering beneath your duvet in sheer terror because you feared an overly muscled, toothless man would eat a pile of worms and make you watch? In conclusion, Vince McMahon had a fucked up childhood.
Pros: In the world of almost unimaginable sexual deviance that is a pro wrestling locker room, The Boogeyman is probably into something you've never heard of.
Cons: In the world of almost unimaginable sexual deviance that is a pro wrestling locker room, The Boogeyman is probably into something you've never heard of.
Pat Patterson Memorial Ranking: 5.5
Yes, the Boogeyman. Nope, not a fellow who greatly enjoys dancing, rather A NEFARIOUS MYSTICAL NIGHTMARE MAN. Yes, coming to a wrestling ring to wrestle another man is none other than A MYTHICAL SPOOK WITH BAD INTENTIONS. Remember when you were a small child, quivering beneath your duvet in sheer terror because you feared an overly muscled, toothless man would eat a pile of worms and make you watch? In conclusion, Vince McMahon had a fucked up childhood.
Pros: In the world of almost unimaginable sexual deviance that is a pro wrestling locker room, The Boogeyman is probably into something you've never heard of.
Cons: In the world of almost unimaginable sexual deviance that is a pro wrestling locker room, The Boogeyman is probably into something you've never heard of.
Pat Patterson Memorial Ranking: 5.5
A lot of people look at Mark Henry and see a fat, sweaty dude. He is so much more. He is deeper than the ocean. It is no bullshit, he is the world’s strongest man [Note: he is not the world’s strongest man]. He is a former Olympian. He can deadlift over 900 pounds. He can bend a frying pan. Can YOU bend a frying pan? No you cannot. Mark Henry has a theme song written by an Academy Award-winning rap group. Do you? No you do not. Some day someone will be watching a tape of Mark Henry and saying wistfully: “Oh shit, Mark Henry. Mark Henry was fly.” You’re god damn right.
Pros: Mark Henry is doing what he wants to do in life and he doesn't give a damn what anybody else says. Life is a lot easier when your man won't take shit from anyone. You and Mark Henry are going to Disneyland whenever the fuck you please.
Cons: All that self-proclaiming! "World's Strongest Man" "Silverback" "Sexual Chocolate" What is he trying to prove? Methinks though doth self-proclaim too much.
Pat Patterson Memorial Ranking: 6.5
Pros: Mark Henry is doing what he wants to do in life and he doesn't give a damn what anybody else says. Life is a lot easier when your man won't take shit from anyone. You and Mark Henry are going to Disneyland whenever the fuck you please.
Cons: All that self-proclaiming! "World's Strongest Man" "Silverback" "Sexual Chocolate" What is he trying to prove? Methinks though doth self-proclaim too much.
Pat Patterson Memorial Ranking: 6.5
Ok, go read. I probably posted too much but there's still plenty of gems for those of you who don't mind reading a gay blog.
