[Chris Eco]

Consejo Nuevo de Lucha Ligera Debut Card

Opening Promo...from the President of the United States, Barack Obama!

POTUS: My fellow citizens, it is my great pleasure tonight to introduce to you the Consejo Nuevo de Lucha Libre, the New Council of Lightweight Wrestling. David Batista has put together a fantastic show for you tonight, and I eagerly anticipate the action just as much as I am sure you all do.

While professional wrestling has had its fair share of tragedy, as all sports have, I believe that tonight's show will exemplify wrestling at its best. And at its best, wrestling has shown it has the power to capture the heart of America, whether through its expressions of patriotic fervor and pride in clean competition, or stories of subversion which remind us all that no authority should remain unquestioned. I hope that you will all enjoy the show. May God bless you, these competitors, and the United States of America.

Money In The Bank Rumble!
Winner Gets a Shot at Any Title He Chooses.

[/b]

Shawn Daivari vs. Ernie "Big Cat" Ladd vs. Sabian vs. Antonio Rocca vs. Giant Baba vs. Shinya Hashimoto[/center]

Backstory:

Ernie Ladd, legendary heel and Republican fundraiser, specifically requested to join the company to go after outspoken leftist Shawn Daivari, who had recently become a fan favorite with the liberal Connecticut audience. Sabian challenged Antonio Rocca to a match after Rocca claimed "people like him" were ruining America today, which General Manager David Batista then designated a "flippy shit match" where their feet would always leave the ground.

Upon the overcrowding of the card, and the introduction of two great NWA Heavyweight Champions toward the end of the match, Batista requested that all six wrestlers merge into one rumble for the first show, with the incentive of a #1 Contender shot for any title they wanted in the balance.

Highlights:
*Wrestlers pair off as expected--Rocca v. Sabian, Ladd v. Daivari, and Baba v. Hashimoto.
*Sabian gets Rocca flat on the ground and goes up to the top rope. Baba and Hashimoto notice and run over. Baba hits the top rope, crotching Sabian, and Hashimoto kicks him off to the floor. Sabian eliminated.
*Baba attempts to gorilla press Rocca over, but Rocca jumps off behind him and dropkicks him, which sends him through the ropes but not over them.
*Some time passes--Hashimoto later lands a kick to Rocca, and Ernie Ladd jumpsoff of Daivari and clotheslines Rocca over partially using the taped thumb.
*After some brawling between Hashimoto and Ladd, Ladd is outside the ropes. From outside, Baba pulls him to the ground. Baba then pulls down the top rope as far as he can. Hashimoto turns around and sees Daivari coming with a dropkick, sending him over the top rope.
*Despite the massive size difference, Daivari puts up a good fight. However, after landing a Magic Carpet splash, he is unable to get Giant Baba over the top rope. Giant Baba knocks him back with a big headbutt, bounds off the ropes with a HUGE swinging neckbreaker. Clothesline over, and Daivari goes down.
*Giant Baba states his intention to announce what title he will be contendingfor later tonight.

Texas Strap Match
w/ w/
Jacqueline Moore w/ Major Gunns vs. Linda Miles w/ Lizzy Borden
(Due to personal conflicts, Major Gunns will be replaced by a nameless ref for this match.)

Backstory:

Out in the pre-PWA world, Lizzy Borden contracted Major Gunns to appear in XPW as a wrestler. During a segment where Major Gunns was to confront Lizzy and have a catfight, however, Lizzy instead had two of her "Black Army" wrestlers come out and hold Major Gunns down while she spanked her in front of the audience.

Back in PWA, when Gunns confronted Lizzy about this, Linda jumped her from behind as Lizzy's new dominatrix assistant. Before Lizzy could make history repeat however, Jackie stormed the ring and threw Lizzy and Linda out. Jacqueline called Linda an embarrassment to Tough Enough and promised to teach her a lesson. She later challenged her to a Texas Strap Match, which she accepted. Due to space constraints, GM Batista asked Gunns and Borden to remain as valets for this match and wait on their own "spanking match" that the two women had agreed to.

Highlights:
*Jacqueline gets an early advantage by slipping out of the ring and using the strap to pull Linda into the turnbuckles. She climbs the ropes and hits a tornado DDT on Linda, but is only able to drag her for two turnbuckles.
*At one point, Lizzy attempts to grab onto Jackie's boot to hold her back, only to be pulled out of the ring by Major Gunns and whipped into the turnbuckle.
*Linda gains control when she hits a big boot on Jackie and pulls the strap in much tighter so as to gain a ground and pound advantage.
*After whipping Jackie with the leather strap, Linda sits on Jackie's newly raw back and chokes her out with the strap. Jackie, unable to get Linda off, slowly loses consciousness.
*Linda easily drags the unconscious Jacqueline around the ring and tags all four corners, winning the match.
*After the match, Major Gunns goes into the ring to check on Jacqueline, and is severely whipped for her trouble.
*EMTs go out to check on both Gunns and Jacqueline after Lizzy and Linda leave. Gunns insists on continuing on as referee, however.

Special Heavyweight Match for the General Management of CNLL
(If Lashley wins, Jericho becomes General Manager)

[/b]

General Manager David Batista vs. Bobby Lashley[/center]

Backstory:
David Batista, upon being drafted to a light heavyweight-focused wrestling company, was compensated by being named General Manager. (Vince McMahon would later steal this idea.) Jericho then talked the Board of Directors into allowing Batista to have a match, and put Lashley on his own payroll, sneak-attacking Batista with the big man. For the sake of excitement, the Corporation decided Jericho and Batista should be able to pick the stipulation for the other's match--and Jericho decided to have Batista put his General Manager status on the line. Lashley later confronted Batista about what he saw as Batista's unfair rise to the top, predicated on steroids and backstage politics. Batista thoughtfully responded by beating the shit out of Lashley.

Highlights:
*Match starts out slow, with both guys attempting tests of strengths against the other. Bobby gains the advantage with a series of suplexes.
*Following a spear and a two-count, Bobby attempts to put the guillotine choke on Batista that he won an MMA bout in 24 seconds with. Batista makes it to the ropes however.
*Batista begins to rally after nailing Lashley with a hard fist that causes him to begin bleeding from his forehead. Bobby rolls out of the ring after a while, but Batista rams his head into the turnbuckle post, opening the wound up further.
*Lashley attempts to keep Batista on the ground using a series of amateur wrestling holds, but his increased wooziness prevents him from locking in any hold too tightly on Batista.
*Lashley attempts a spear on Batista, but by some force of strength, Batista manages to CATCH Lashley's spear and hold his ground! He flips him up quickly into a Batista Bomb, and Lashley is out cold. 1-2-3, Batista keeps his job!

Wacky Handicap Match
If Dragon Dragon Is Pinned, The Woman Pinning Him Becomes #1 Contender to the Women's Title

Torrie Wilson/Alicia Fox

[/b] vs.Dragon Dragon[/center]

Backstory:

Not very much. Batista, who is basically incapable of respecting women's wrestling, asked Torrie Wilson and Alicia Fox to serve as his eye-candy referees. Upon their refusal, he decided to give one of them a shot at the women's title, provided they were capable of working as a cohesive unit to defeat a comedy wrestler.

Highlights:
*Both women team up against Dragon Dragon at the beginning. Dragon Dragon is mostly able to overpower them, getting a two-count on both simultaneously with a big crossbody off the ropes.
*With a double leg sweep, however, they manage to take the big guy down. When Torrie goes to pin him, however, Alicia pulls her off and the two women begin fighting.
*Alicia maintains an advantage with a series of submissions. Torrie slingshots Alicia into the ropes after breaking a hold and lands a handspring elbow on Alicia, temporarily stunning her.
*Torrie begins flailing on Dragon Dragon, but Dragon Dragon catches her with a goozle and a chokeslam! 1-2-3, Alicia is too late to break up the count!
*Alicia confronts Torrie afterward about losing their match for them. She nails Torrie with a spinning heel kick, taking Torrie down. She then grabs a steel chair and traps Torrie's hand in it, ascending the ropes with the intent to jump down and shatter her hand--but Melina runs out, chasing Alicia out of the ring.
*As Melina maintains a staredown with Alicia, she is jumped from behind by Jazz, who puts the boots to her and follows up with an STF. Alicia, laughing, slides in the ring and spits in Melina's face as she screams. Jazz releases the hold and goes to grab the chair...
*...when Beth Phoenix runs down with a chair of her own! Alicia scatters while Jazz swings, but Jazz is caught in the ribs by Beth's chair before she can finish swinging. Chair shot to the head by Beth, and Jazz goes down. Beth proceeds to leave the ring without looking back at either of her two opponents for later.

Sir Ronald Killings or Gangsta George?
Loser Becomes the Other's Trainee!

Ron Killings vs. Gorgeous George

Backstory: In their simultaneous drafting, both wrestlers managed to insult the other's sensibilities--George by refusing to shake Killings's hand without a glove, Killings by his over-casual manner of dress. Being rather aggressive competitors, they agreed to have a match to settle the issue in which the loser would fall under the tutelage of the winner.

Highlights:
*The match starts out rather even, balanced between Killings's energetic brawling and George's successful attempts to ground Killings on the mat.
*Killings attempts a scissors kick, but it is deflected by a subtle low blow from George which Major Gunns misses.
*George retrieves his perfume to spray in Killings's eyes, but Killings ducks low and he catches Gunns instead. Killings takes advantage to nail George with his own low blow in retribution for before.
*Killings maintains an advantage on George, and goes up for the Hang Time 450 Splash, but George rolls out of the way as Killings comes crashing down. He then sneaks a pair of brass knuckles on and goes up top, nailing Killings with an "assisted" fist drop and getting the pinfall.
*After the match, George takes a collared shirt and puts it on Ron Killings, as well as pulling up Killings's pants and wrapping a belt around. Killings is clearly not happy as George continues to outfit him with increasingly fancy clothes, ending with a top hat.

Tables, Ladders and Chairs Match for the CNLL Tag Team Championship


3 Count (Gregory Shane Helms/Shannon Moore) vs. Too Cool (Grandmaster Sexay and Scotty 2 Hotty) vs. Rey Misterio/El Hijo del Santo vs. Gory Guerrero/Mil Mascaras

Backstory:

Shannon Moore, upon being drafted from the Matte Wrestling Federation, volunteered Gregory "Hurricane" Helms (against his will) as a tag partner to reform 3 Count and face off against Too Cool for the tag championships. Hurricane has been increasingly reluctant to surrender his lucrative singles career and tie himself back to Shannon, particularly when Shannon signed them up for a dangerous TLC match.

Rey Misterio was originally going to face Malenko and Jericho for the world title, but El Santo, angry about what he saw as Misterio's slights against lucha libre, demanded to face him or quit. When Santo agreed to step into the Legends Match, he was compensated by being replaced with Mil Mascaras and Gory Guerrero (with his own grudges against Rey using his family name) in a handicap match--until his own son, El Hijo de Santo, decided to step in and offer his services as Rey's partner. Due to Rey's status as a former world champion and his original contract stating he would have a world title shot, their tag match was combined into the TLC Match so that Rey's team would have a shot at the tag titles.

Highlights:
*Shannon Moore attempts to clearhouse by tearing off the top of the announcers' table and swinging it at everybody, but Too Cool together kicks it back into his face.
*Gory Guerrero and Mil Mascaras get together and throw Rey, lawn-dart style, headfirst into a ladder, knocking him out. El Hijo de Santo jumps out of the ring with a feet-first plancha that then sends the ladder into the heads of Mil and Gory.
*Grandmaster Sexay slams the Hurricane onto a table outside the ring. Scotty 2 Hotty ascends the turnbuckles, gestures W-O-R-M, and then jumps outside the ring, but Hurricane rolls off and Scotty goes through the table himself. Brian swings with a punch but Hurricane uses the Hurri-chokeslam and puts Grandmaster through the exposed announce table.
*El Hijo de Santo is set up for a con-chair-to by Mil and Gory, but El Hijo ducks and the chairs hit each other. Rey comes out of nowhere with a West Coast Pop/Van Terminator, kicking Gory's chair into his face. Mascaras then proceeds to level Misterio with his own chair, however.
*El Hijo de Santo and Mil Mascaras are fighting at the top of a ladder set up in the ring, but Shannon Moore runs in and tips the ladder, sending them both to the floor outside. Shannon Moore manages to right the ladder and scurry up, taking the titles as Hurricane watches in horror.
*Shannon Moore comes down and embraces the reluctant Hurricane. Gory Guerrero retrieves a chair and is choking Rey out with it until he and Mascaras are chased away by Too Cool, El Hijo, and 3 Count.

Legends Title Match
Rematch of the Legendary Original! No Time Limit This Time!

Bruno Sammartino vs. Pedro Morales

Backstory:

So back in the day, before most of you were born (1972), Pedro Morales and Bruno Sammartino were THE SHIT. At the Showdown at Shea, the two fan favorites went against each other for the world title--unheard of at this time. However, they wrestled to a 75-minute draw and Pedro kept his title, leaving the crowd angry at not having seen a resolution.

Batista, noticing the two wrestlers had dropped surprisingly far in the PWA draft, snatched them both up despite their heavyweight status. Sammartino was especially keen on getting a second chance to beat Morales, and abused Batista's Choose-Your-Stipulation offer to make the Legends Title awarded based on the results of their match.

Highlights:
*Pedro Morales and Bruno Sammartino start slow, feeling each other out. The eighteen-and-under crowd begins a BO-RING chan, but the older crowd shouts them down. This is enough to stoke Pedro's temper, who takes it out on Bruno with a flurry of punches.
*Sammartino nails a pendulum backbreaker on Morales, and the bigger Sammartino begins a concerted effort to work over Morales's back.
*Morales reverses Sammartino's traditional Bear Hug finisher into a belly to back suplex, shifting the momentum.
*The next few minutes are all Morales, with clothesline, wild punches, and finally the Boston Crab. Every time Sammartino reaches the ropes, Morales pulls him back off until Sammartino finally is able to flip over and kick Morales off.
*Morales goes for the Caribbean Cannonball (Senton) but Sammartino shifts out of the way and immediately rolls Morales up upon landing, holding his feet on the ropes unseen by Gunns. 1-2-3, and that's it.
*The crowd loudly boos Sammartino as he is awarded the title. Bruno congratulates Morales on a good match and Morales, who didn't see his feet on the ropes, shakes Sammartino's hand firmly and congratulates him on his victory.
*Giant Baba comes out with a microphone and challenges Bruno Sammartino to a match for his Legends Title. Sammartino's smile suddenly changes to a grimace.

Steel Cage Match for the CNLL Women's Championship

Melina Perez vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Jazz

Backstory:

Melina was drafted by Batista and was excited to be awarded the CNLL Women's Championship--until she found out it was based on their sexual history alone. Angry, she kicked Batista in the balls, who, angry, assigned her to face both Beth Phoenix and Jazz in the steel cage. Then there's the back story from the earlier match we just saw!

Highlights:
*All three women eye each other suspiciously after the earlier altercation. Finally, Melina jumps Jazz and starts wailing on her. Beth tries to escape by climbing, but Jazz tosses Melina off and pulls Beth off the wall.
*After Beth throws Jazz to the ground with a powerslam, Melina jumps up with an Extreme Makeover facebuster to Beth. Melina begins to scale the wall, but Jazz gets up and plucks her off. She then pulls Melina into the Bitch Clamp chickenwing, throwing her chest-first into the steel cage.
*Jazz is thrown against the door with a big suplex by Beth, the impact breaking off the part of the door holding the padlock. Melina pulls Beth backwards by the hair and executes the split legdrop. Melina crawls toward the door, but Alicia Fox runs down to the ring as Melina is climbing out of the now-open door and SLAMS the door shut on her head. She then pulls a chain from under the ring back around the door, re-closing it.
*After gaining the advantage, Jazz has ascended to the top of the cage. In an act of desperation, Beth throws her entire body against the cage, shaking it so hard that Jazz falls backwards to the mat. Beth ascends the cage as Jazz and Melina lie totally knocked out below, climbs down from the outside, and is awarded the Women's Championship.

Philadelphia Bridgeport Hardcore Match

CM Punk vs. Jerry Lynn

Backstory:

When CM Punk cheerfully introduced Jerry Lynn and tried to bond over their status as former ECW champions, Lynn expressed his discontent with the current version of ECW vis-a-vis the original. Ever the self-righteous prick, Punk verbally tore apart the old ECW, basically calling its wrestlers degenerate wife-beating druggies. This confrontation led to a Hardcore Match, with weapons provided by the fans in Bridgeport. (While it was not deeply explored in promos, CM Punk looks down on the version of Ring of Honor Jerry Lynn represents, seeing it as nothing more than a glorified indy attempt at WWE. Or at least Lucky suggested that, and I think it's cool.)

Highlights:
*Jerry Lynn blocks a sneak-attack chair shot by Punk, pulling it away. He then chases Punk around the ring, but Punk grabs a large metal pipe from a fan and beans Lynn hard with it. Jay Leno makes a surprisingly off-color joke about CM Punk laying pipe.
*At one point, Lynn drop-toeholds Punk face first into a trash can he has been provided with, and then puts the trash can over Punk's head. He then starts beating the trash can with a Singapore Cane, until a rattled Punk falls over. Only good for a two-count, however.
*Punk picks Lynn up for a Go To Sleep, but Lynn flips off with a sunset flip powerbomb onto a steel chair. Somehow, Punk gets the shoulder up again at two.
*Jerry Lynn pulls Punk up for a top rope piledriver, but Punk pulls himself up and hops off of Jerry's back, sending Jerry crashing to the mat and Punk to the floor outside.
*Jerry Lynn wraps a fan's barbed wire around an open folding table, and lays Punk across it with a scoop slam. He then climbs to the top rope back in the ring--but Punk manages to free himself from the wire and crotches Lynn up top! Punk climbs up to the top rope where Lynn is from outside, hooking Lynn's legs...and JUMPING OFF!

JR: PEPSI PLUNGE TO THE BARBED WIRE TABLE OUTSIDE!! BY G-D, JERRY LYNN IS DEAD!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Punk gets the cover, one, two, three.

Who is the Greatest "Father of Professional Wrestling"?
Elimination Match

Lou Thesz vs. El Santo vs. Rikidozan

Backstory:

No bad blood, no grudges, just a pure respect match. Lou Thesz oversaw the transition from amateur wrestling and carnival fights to professional wrestling as we know it today in the United States, being a top draw all along before the Hogan years. El Santo almost singlehandedly made lucha libre into a culture force in Mexico. Rikidozan, alongside men like Giant Baba, achieved Hogan-like levels of popularity as he spread the unique Japanese take on the American style of professional wrestling across Japan (fighting Lou Thesz in front of packed houses as well).

Now, the three are wrestling in an environment none of them find familiar--a Triple Threat--to discover who really is the best professional wrestler among the innovators of the sport.

Highlights:

*Lou Thesz struggles to find his footing in the three-way setting, having his submission holds constantly broken by the free man. Santo picks and chooses spots to fly in, while Rikidozan immediately resorts to brawling.
*Forgetting the format, Thesz attempts an STF on El Santo. Rikidozan nails Thesz with a signature overhead chop and tosses a dazed Thesz out of the ring.
*After Thesz comes back in and lays Rikidozan out with an Original Powerbomb, Santo re-ascends the ropes and lands the Tope de Cristo Flying Headbutt on Rikidozan. One-Two-That's It, Rikidozan is OUT!
*El Hijo de Santo comes down the ramp and stares at his father as he ascends the ropes. Santo freezes up on top, momentarily distracted, and Thesz climbs up after him, pulling off a superplex variant of the belly-to-back suplex he invented! One-two-three, Lou Thesz pulls off the win!
*El Hijo de Santo retreats to the back, while his father screams after him and generally has a hissy fit in the ring.

Best of Three Falls Match (Pinfall, Submission, Falls Count Anywhere)
for the CNLL Light Heavyweight Championship

Chris Jericho vs. Dean Malenko

Backstory:

From his initial placement as #1 Pick, Jericho has been assured a spot in the World Title Match, despite his constant antagonism of GM Batista. In choosing Jericho's match's stipulation, Batista sought a measure of revenge by making his match against the great technical wrestler Dean Malenko a Best of Three Falls match, with the second decided by submission and the third allowing a fall anywhere. Oddly enough, Malenko has completely shunned the spotlight in the weeks leading up to the show, spending all his time training without a single interview, while Jericho continues to hog the microphone--though he refrains from attacking Malenko directly, assuming a kind of silence on that point as well. Only time will tell what will happen in a match between two fantastic wrestlers.

Highlights:

*1st Fall:
*Lots of back-and-forth catch-as-catch-can, with the two men trying to not tire themselves out. After a series of suplexes, Jericho flips off for a Lionsault, Malenko rolls out of the way. Malenko grabs Jericho getting up, flips him up, double-underhook sitout powerbomb! Flip over roll-up, 1-2-3! Dean Malenko wins the first fall!
2nd Fall:
*Jericho pulls Malenko's legs out from under him in the Cloverleaf and pulls up into the Walls of Jericho! Malenko struggles, but Jericho pulls up into the Liontamer version, torquing Malenko's head. Malenko, beginning to lose consciousness, decides to tap out rather than lose the third fall by forfeit.
3rd Fall:
*Jericho and Malenko fight all the way out to the audience. Unseen by the referee fighting his way through the crowd, Jericho clocks Malenko with a steel bar. Jericho hops up on the stairs by the entryway, hops up a SECOND time to the guardrail on the very top, and FLIPS! Lionsault from (maybe) FIFTEEN FEET UP! One-Two-Three, Chris Jericho is the Light Heavyweight Champion!

Featuring The Best Announce Team in the Business, Jim Ross and Jay Leno!


And Your Referee...Major Gunns!

(Chris Jericho is in an empty ring with all the lights on as people are preparing the arena around him, assembling barricades and the like. The OBSCENELY EXPENSIVE Jeritron 5000 is hanging above him.)



Jericho: Hey, monkeys in the back, get the cameras rolling. I want this on tape.

(The lone cameraman adjusts his camera toward Jericho.)

Jericho: So apparently, the assclowns who own this company decided that with their fifth pick, out of all the wrestlers in the world, they were going to take old washed-up, has-been Dean Malenko. Now, true Jericholoics might remember the time I showed up the "Man of 1,000 Holds" by reading off just the first 1,004 holds I knew on WCW.

(The tape plays briefly)



Jericho: Now, while I'm sure Dean's down to about 10 by now, I think I'm going to go through my list again...with the help of the Jerichoprompter!

(The Jeritron turns into a scrolling list.)

Jericho: #1...Armdrag! #2...Armbar! #3...Moss covered three handled family grudunzel! #4...Armbar!

(I Walk Alone by Saliva hits the stereo system, which currently consists of three run down converted boombox. Still, Jericho whips around as Batista walks out.)



Batista: Do you ever get sick of hearing yourself talk? There isn't a damn soul in the area save the people paid to be here.

Jericho: Hey Dave, good to see you here! You know, I've got a little surprise for you. See, when you got drafted, you probably thought you'd be in the title picture, right? Jump right back in like old times, right Dave?

See, when I was announcing Misterio, I called CNLL the "Consejo Nuevo de Lucha Libre". Turns out I screwed up that last word. CNLL stands for "El Consejo Nuevo de Lucha Ligera". The New Council of Lightweight Fighting. And unless you're losing some serious L-B's, fatty, you're not getting anywhere near the belt.

(Jericho plays to a nonexistent audience, and a couple roadhands dutifully boo.)

Batista: See Chris, I'm already aware of that. And, to tell you the truth, I was pretty pissed. But I had a nice chat with the owners and they decided to give me a little something in return. So, Chris, I'd appreciate it if you not call me "Dave".

Jericho: And what should I call you, assclown?

Batista: You should call me...General Manager Dave Batista. We'll have a chat about your match later. In the meantime, you can finish your little list.

(GM Batista walks back out with a smirk as Jericho stands in the ring stunned. After a second, he regains his composure.)

Jericho: #5...Back breaker! #6...Body slam!

(Fade.)

[Chris Eco]

(General Manager Dave Batista is standing in front of a big audience in the now-set-up Arena at Harbor Yard, Bridgeport.)



Batista: Y’know, I’m glad to see so many of you here waiting to hear our draft results.. And I’m sure just as many as you would come if you actually had to pay to get in. (The crowd laughs.) We should be getting word in just a moment on the next pick, so hang tight—

(“Break The Walls Down” hits the now-completed sound system as Jericho walks out.)



Chris Jericho: Stop the presses, stop the presses. Mr. General Manager, how are you on this fine evening?

Batista: Chris, what the hell are you doing?

Jericho: Just here to be the bearer of good news. See, while we were waiting for those other picks to go through, I had a lovely chat with the board of the CNLL. I told them how BADLY you wanted to wrestle, and how silly it would be to deprive all these fine people of the opportunity to see a match with the great Dave Batista. So they agreed to put a heavyweight match on the card.

(The crowd pops.)

Batista: All right, all right. Sounds good. Who’s my victim going to be?

(Someone wearing a mask sneaks into the ring.)

Jericho: Turn around, assclown.

(Batista turns around and EATS a spear from the hooded man. He stands up and takes off his hood to reveal…

142. Bobby Lashley



(Lashley stomps away at Batista in the corner. Batista fights out, pushing Lashley off. He is about to wail on him when Chris Jericho LEVELS Batista with a chair. Batista is out cold as the audience boos. Jericho picks up the mike.)

Jericho: See, Batista, because the corporate board was so generous in granting my request in finding you an opponent, I decided to graciously offer to pay his wages out of my #1 Pick salary. And I think this may be the beginning of a beautiful business relationship.

(Jericho pats Lashley on the back, but Lashley remains stonefaced. He walks out of the ring, leaving Jericho posing over an unconscious Batista.)

[Fire-Babe]

(Okay...keep posting the Jericho pix, and I might forgive you)

[Chris Eco]

(CM Punk is in the completed Consejo Nuevo de Lucha Ligera at the Arena at Harbor Yard, Bridgeport, CT! He is soaking up “C-M-Punk” chants from the assembled free-ticket audience.)



CM Punk: Thank you , thanks a lot. I‘d like to introduce to you now to one of the greatest cruiserweights of all time. Like me, he is a former ECW World Champion, and the current Ring of Honor world champion…

147. Jerry Lynn



(Jerry Lynn walks into the ring. CM Punk is clapping for him, but Lynn just gets in Punk’s face.)
Lynn: What did you say we had in common?

Punk: We’re both former ECW Champions.

Lynn: DON’T GIVE ME THAT SHIT.

(The crowd gets quiet.)

Lynn: Look, you’re a fantastic athlete. You’re going to do great things in this business. But what you were wrestling in, kid…that’s not ECW. That’s a cleaned-up, developmental wrestler version of ECW. So don’t go around calling yourself a former ECW champion, because that title you held might as well have been a glorified European Title belt.

Punk: (quietly) Maybe you’re right, Jerry.

Lynn: And listen, that doesn’t mean I don’t have tremendous respect for you—

Punk: No, no, you’re right. Our ECW was never as good as yours, Jerry. After all, we didn’t have a shitty arena filled up with unemployed alcoholic assholes bringing pots and pans for us to swing at each other. We didn’t spend half our airtime assaulting women, and when our headliners were caught doing weed, we fired their asses. So no, maybe we weren’t authentic. But what you call authenticity, I call degeneracy.

(The crowd is beginning to boo.)

Lynn: You think you’re better than me?

Punk: (smiles) I’m straight edge. And straight edge means I’m drug free, alcohol free…(Punk pauses as the audiences finishes his old catchphrase)...and BETTER than YOU.

Lynn: Cute. Cute little catchphrase you’ve got going there. What do you say we test that out, huh? You’re so much more talented than us old ECW guys, why don’t you beat me at our old game. New hotshot CM Punk vs. old, washed-up Jerry Lynn in a hardcore match. (Crowd pops.) What do you say?

Punk: You’ve got a deal. (Pop again.)

Lynn: See you in the ring.

(Lynn sticks out his hand to shake, but Punk just smirks and walks right by Lynn out of the ring as the crowd boos. Lynn shakes his head.)

[Lucky]

Batista vs Lashley doesn't do a ton for me but I really like the Lynn vs Punk idea. I actually thought you were going to make it a two way street where Punk bitches about the legitimacy of Lynn's ROH championship. "That's not the same company, we were kings of the indies and putting on the best wrestling in the world, now its just a 3rd rate WWE." Sort of the same stuff ROH fans are saying. But the ECW Title story is enough for me.

[Chris Eco]

(Ron "The Truth" Killings comes out to an ovation by the fans in the Open Admission Draft Arena.)



Killings: Thank you. It's been a while since I got that kind of respect.
You all know my story here, so I'm not going to rehash that. I'm just going to talk about the future. Right now, this company has got a wide open title picture, and I'm looking to put my name--

(Loud classical music suddenly BLASTS over the speakers! Coming down the ramp is a cruiserweight legend...)

195. Gorgeous George



(He enters the ring with the valet.)

George: Sorry to cut you short there, chap, but it appears we have both been drafted.

Killings: Hey man, you're Gorgeous George! You're the guy who Muhammad Ali was always talking about.

George: I am unfamiliar with this "Ali" fellow, but presumably. Most people spend some time talking about me. And who would you be?

Killings: The name's Ron Killings, but you can call me...The Truth.

(Killings extends his hand to George.)

George: Bother. Hold on...

(George's valet helps him put a white glove on his right hand. He shakes the confused Killings' hand, and then has his valet spray disinfectant on the glove.)

Killings: Man, what is your problem?

George: Excuse me?

Killings: Puttin' on a glove to shake a man's hand--that's disrespectful.

George: Disrespectful? You're calling me disrespectful? Look at you! No professional wrestling tights, just "street clothes". You wonder why you haven't gotten respect from these fans; perhaps it is because you do not command respect!

Killings: Got it. You think respect is all about the way you look and dress and all that. That's cool, that's cool for you. Me, I get respect in this ring. And if you're not feeling respect for me right now, maybe I can BEAT that respect out of you.

George: Are you--are you threatening me, you vile hoodlum?

Killings: Not a threat. Just...The Truth.

(Killings grins at George, who suddenly hauls back and decks Killings. Killings gets up, but is sprayed in the eyes with Chanel. As he covers his face, George kicks Killings between the legs, sending him sprawled.)

George: Get used to where you are now, Mr. Truth--at my feet! I look forward to defeating you in the ring. You are nothing but a degenerate and I am nothing short of...the greatest wrestler...of all time!

(George beats a retreat, posing the whole way as Killings gets up, looking on in anger.)

[Chris Eco]

(Batista is standing in the ring at the Open Draft Arena at Harbor Yard, Bridgeport, CT, bandaged from Lashley's previous assault.)

Batista: Ladies and gentlemen, you've been very patient. And while I'm sure you've been receiving our online updates, I am proud to announce CNLL's acquisitive of the greatest commentator ever...Jim Ross!



(JR walks down to the ring as the fans bustle in and out of the arena. Some are happy to see the broadcasting legend, others are angry at seeing light heavyweights like Taka and Santino passed over for an announcer.)



(Batista is extending the microphone in the ring, but JR simply walks by and takes a seat at the announce table.)

JR: Good to be with you folks this evening. If you're watching us on the simulcast online, we'll be broadcasting for you throughout this event. I may be waiting for a broadcast partner here for a while--

(Gregory Helms swoops in next to JR)

JR: Hurricane? You're commentating with me?

Helms: The Hurricane? The Hurricane is a fantastically talented good looking superstar recently drafted by CNLL. I am mild-mannered broadcaster Gregory Helms, here to assist you, Citizen Ross!

Batista: Our 11th Pick is a man who revolutionized the sport of wrestling, and nearly singlehandedly pioneered the lucha libre style. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you EL SANTO!



(El Santo walks down the ramp to a MODERATE pop because half of the audience is under 18. El Santo takes the microphone from Batista. He gestures for Gregory Helms to come up from the announce desk. Helms obliges.)

Santo: Puedo comprender espanol?

Helms: A little, si.

(Santo gives him a microphone to translate.)

El Santo: Gracias por sus palabras amables, Batista.

Helms: Thanks for the nice words!

El Santo: No tengo palabras amables hoy. Quiero hablar de la verguenza de CMLL...Rey Misterio Jr.

Helms: I have no nice words today. I want to talk about the shame of CMLL...Rey Misterio Jr.

(The crowd boos.)

Helms: Wait...Rey-rey? Verguenza? WHASSUPWITDAT?

El Santo: CALLATE! (He continues talking to Helms in Spanish.)

Helms: (dutifully translating) Rey Misterio lost the right to wear his mask in WCW. To begin to wrestle masked again is not merely a small transgression, but an insult to lucha libre, the sport of which I am a true pioneer. In addition, he has shamed the sport with his now-revealed history of steroid use.

(El Santo gestures for Helms to face GM Batista)

Helms: And so tonight I, El Santo, challenge Rey Misterio Jr. to a match at CNLL's inaugural show. And I will not only defeat him. I will embarrass him, as he has embarrassed the sport.

Batista: Um...listen, it's nice that you feel passionate about this and everything, but I sort of already had plans for Rey for our first show. He will be going to face Dean Malenko and--unfortunately--Chris Jericho for the CNLL World Cruiserweight Title.

Helms: If you don't give me my match, I will take a lovely stroll.

(Batista looks confused.)

Helms: Wait...that word means something else...take a hike!

(Batista stares down El Santo. He hulks over the man, but Santo doesn't budge.)

Batista: Fine. You'll have your match. I'll figure out what to do for the main event.

(Batista storms out of the ring as El Santo poses, getting a louder audience reaction but substantially more boos.)

[Tommy]

Jun 12, 2009 18:24:24 GMT -5 Chris Eco said:

El Santo: No tengo palabras amables hoy. Quiero hablar de la verguenza de CMLL...Rey Misterio Jr.

Helms: I have no nice words today. I want to talk about the shame of CMLL...Rey Misterio Jr.

(The crowd boos.)

Helms: Wait...Rey-rey? Verguenza? WHASSUPWITDAT?

El Santo: CALLATE! (He continues talking to Helms in Spanish.)

This was pretty awesome

[Chris Eco]

("Mosh" by Eminem plays over the loudspeakers as Shawn Daivari walks out. Unlike his time as Bashir, he is not wearing any head covering--simply a shirt and jeans.)



JR: Well, that's certainly a different vibe from this young man, Shawn Daivari!

Daivari: You know, the last time I was here, I was talking about the United States, tearing down a lot of what I think is wrong with this place. Roll the tape.



Daivari: In many ways, I still believe most of that. The lack fo sympathy for the poor was unfounded, but the message of responsibility holds. But today--today at least--I'm not coming here to castigate you all, I'm coming here to thank you. See, in the last election, I was deeply afraid. Whenever I saw a Fox News anchor (Boos, because we're in Connecticut) talk about Barack Hussein Obama, I got scared. I wanted to believe that Americans would own up for our mistakes and try to set things right, but I didn't believe most Americans would be able to pull that lever once the word "Muslim" started getting bandied about. But enough people refused to be scared. Enough people--and based on Connecticut's voting, a hell of a lot of you--voted for America to become a humble, peaceful power.

Sometimes it's hard to communicate my political beliefs. Sometimes people see a brown face on the TV talking down what our country's doing. After a while, I decided to give in to that. First, it was that stupid "terrorist" angle with Mark Copani--you might know him as Mohammad Hassan, but the man is all Sicilian. Then I went to TNA, and they said "Say you're from Tehran! Those boos you get will make you a star!" I'm not from Tehran, I'm from Minneapolis. I didn't vote for Ahmadinejad, I voted for Al Franken. And for me to perpetuate the stereotype that all Muslims are un-American, or to remove yet another positive Muslim American face from the television because of my little lies, that was wrong.

So as I called on you to apologize, to atone so many times, I too apologize. I intend for us to move forward together.

(There are a couple "woos" and then a great deal of applause.)

Daivari: Thank you. Thank you so much, There's just one little quirk I'm keeping. One little cheap ethnic shout-out.

(Daivari pulls out a carpet from by the turnbuckle.)

Helms: Holy Macaroni! The Magic Carpet, JR!

Daivari: The Magic Carpet ride is BACK!

(And for the first time in a long time, the audience cheers Shawn Daivari.)

[Chris Eco]

(Daivari exits as his NEW entrance video plays.)



(Jim Ross then strolls up to the ring.)

JR: Folks, I now have the privilege of introducing to you two men who helped make pro wrestling what it is today: former world champions Pedro Morales and Bruno Sammartino!

(Morales and Sammartino come out, accompanied by videos of old promos in lieu of an entrance video. They come to the ring and sit in chairs provided by staff.)




JR: Gentlemen, it's a honor to have you out here tonight.

Morales: Good to be with you too, JR.

Sammartino: Same. Nice to be doing something in the wrestling business than cutting shitty promos for Kurt Angle in TNA, anyway.

JR: Fair enough. Now, have you folks been told what the plans for you are?

Morales: JR, we were told we'd find out when the fans found out.

JR: Well, that's going to happen right now. As you both know, CNLL is a company dedicated primarily to the promotion of cruiserweight wrestling. And although you, Mr. Morales, might be able to make weight, you, Mr. Sammartino, likely would not.

Sammartino: You know, I'm aware of that, and I'm not happy about it at all. But it just goes to show how badly Vince McMahon Jr. ruined this industry, when a guy like me who carried the WWWF for such a long time, holding the belt for 11 years, has to sit around until pick #334 of the draft. And even then, the only reason I got taken was because your general manager David Batista (pop) has so much respect for this business that even though it wasn't in his job description to take a heavyweight wrestler, he refused to let me go by another round.

JR: Certainly, all of us here at CNLL were surprised to see you go that late. But now I want to talk about your match. Do you both remember what happened last time you two were in the ring together?

Morales: Oh yeah (laughs) that was a pretty good time.

Sammartino: This son of a gun took me to the 75-minute limit before I could take his belt.

Morales: (standing up) I believe you mean, you took me to the limit before I could pin you and retain my title!

Sammartino: (standing up) Is that so?

Morales: Oh that's so!

JR: (getting between them) Well, gentlemen, we'll have the chance to find out. At CNLL's debut show, it's going to be Pedro Morales vs. Bruno Sammartino. No time limit, just the two of you going at each other until we have a winner. Deal?

(Both wrestlers smile. Morales extends his hand to Sammartino, who shakes it.)

Sammartino: You gotta youself a match!

(The audience loudly cheers, not because the 18-year-olds have left, but because this is Bridgeport and the gentlemen in the ring are clearly Italian and Puerto Rican.)

[Chris Eco]

(Back at the Harbor Yard Arena, the broadcasters are recapping for our fans.)

Jim Ross: ...and so folks, it looks like it will be Bruno Sammartino vs. Pedro Morales in a repeat of their 75-minute classic, only this time, we WILL have a winner.

Gregory Helms: Holy history, JR, that's fantastic. Hold on a second--my Hurri-senses are tingling!

Jim Ross: That's static in your earpiece. Adjust it.

Helms: (adjusting) Thank you, Citizen Ross....what....really? That's fantastic news!

(Helms bounces into the ring.)

Helms: (quickly taking a microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, may I announce to you CNLL's NEWEST acquisition...my old 3 Count partner, the Prince of Punk, SHANNON MOORE!



JR: Shannon Moore! Business may or may not have just picked up, depending on our trade!

Helms: Now this man doesn't come for free...no, we at CNLL have traded...

(The audience holds their breath. These idiots didn't trade Dean Malenko for Shannon Moore, did they?)

Helms: ...Pick #622 to the Flippy Shit federation!!!

(The entire audience breathes a sigh of relief.)

JR: Business has, in fact, picked up.

...(CONTINUED FROM THE ORIGINAL THREAD)...

(A familiar song hits the loudspeakers...)



(Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmaster Sexay come down the ring as the audience cheers and are carrying what appear to be...new belts!)



Scotty 2 Hotty: (taking a microphone) YO BRIDGEPORT! (The crowd cheers.) We just wanted to take a second to pop out here and re-introduce you all to your NEW CNLL Tag Team Champions, Too Cool!

Grandmaster Sexay: And to celebrate, we'd like to do a little dance.

(The music begins and the two go into position to dance as the crowd cheers.)

Shannon Moore: CUT THE MUSIC!!

Grandmaster Sexay: Excuse me?

Moore: Yeah yeah, really great that you guys are tag champions and all. But you're not going to celebrate now. You've got some competition!

Scotty 2 Hotty: And who might that be?

Moore: Me and...(wrapping his arm around Helms)...THIS GUY!

Helms: WHAT?

Moore: That's right! 3 Count is BACK, baby!

Helms: Um, that's nice and all, Shannon, but I've sort of got this solo career thing going now and--

Moore: Tag team champions, Sugar Shane! Just like old times!

Helms: I'm going by Gregory now--

(Batista suddenly appears on the titantron.)

Batista: Love the idea, Shannon! Good to see you taking initiative. At CNLL Debut, it will be Too Cool vs. 3 Count for the CNLL Tag Team Championship!

Helms: But--Dave!

Batista: No worries, Helms, you'll still get to run the announce table all draft.

(All four competitors in the ring shake hands, Gregory Helms quite grudgingly.)

[Chris Eco]

(Gregory Helms returns to the announce table.)

JR: So, it seems Shannon just cajoled you into reforming 3 Count, eh? That's a big tag team championship match!

Hlems: Shut up, JR. (Helms buries his head in his hands)

(Batista walks out to the ring at the Open Admission Draft Spectacular at the Harbor Yard Arena in Bridgeport, CT, and stands there with a PURPOSE~!)



Batista: Well Gregory Helms, I'm going to let you continue commentating for the remainder of the draft, but I'd like to announce the NEW color commentator for CNLL. He has an UNDEFEATED record in the wrestling ring, and has a lot of time on his hands since he recently retired from his very successful television show....The TONIGHT SHOW!

543. Jay Leno



Helms: HOLY RATINGS, JR!

(Jay Leno comes down to wild cheers. Shockingly, like JR, he resists the urge to give an in-ring promo and sits in the announce booth.)

JR: Mr. Leno, good to have you here!

Leno: Oh just call me Jay, JR. And it's fantastic to be here. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a great show for you tonight. REY MISTERIO is in the house!

Helms: Um...maybe you should save that for the beginning of the actual show, Citizen Jay.

Leno: Right. Good idea.

Batista: Second order of business. (He picks up a belt from the side.) This is the Consejo Nuevo de Lucha Libre Women's Championship Belt...and I would like to now present it to a very deserving woman. Melina, come out here.

Melina's music hits and she comes down to the ring to a substantial ovation. She hops up on the ring and does the usual splits to hoots as she slides into the ring, pops up and takes the belt and a microphone.)



Melina: Batista, I am honored to take this belt. It means a lot to me that you recognize my contributions to this sport. And I promise all these fans in New Haven (pop) that I will prove that you made the right decision.

Batista: Hold on, hold on...contributions? I just picked you because you're the only one I slept with on the roster!

(Batista laughs as Melina steams....until she kicks him in the balls.)

JR: Oh my!

Leno: I know Christmas decorations are coming earlier, but nutcrackers in June?

(Melina storms out of the ring carrying her title belt, when Batista grabs the microphone with the hand not holding his tortured testes.)

Batista: M-Melina...you want to play that game? Fine. I already expected you would defend that belt at our debut show against Beth Phoenix...but let's make it Beth AND Jazz!

JR: A triple threat!

Batista: And just so you know...we're going to have it in a CAGE!

(The audience reaction is mixed, partially booing Batista but interested in the match. Melina is defiant, raising her title above her head then walking out.)

Batista: Now then...for the final announcement. SANTO, get out here.

(El Santo walks out on the stage, sin musica)



El Santo: Que necesitas? (What do you need?)

Batista: Santo, as you know, I respect you. I respect you a great deal. But I cannot simply give you that match with Rey Misterio. Truth is, we need the best possible show we can create in order for our federation to continue being funded after the first show.. CNLL just drafted Rikidozan and Lou Thesz, father of puroresu and the possibility of having a three-way match between the fathers of the sport from the United States, Mexico, and Japan is too much to pass up. Therefore...I'm going to ask you to let me choose a replacement.

El Santo: Si? Quien?

Batista: Your partner in La Pareja Atomica...GORY GUERRERO.

(El Santo gets a big smile on his mostly masked face.)

El Santo: No hay problema. (No problem.)

JR: This is unbelivable! Rikdozan and Lou Thesz have been drafted and will be fighting El Santo--Gory Guerrero, father of Eddie, will be replacing him against Rey--Melina will be defending her title in a Cage Match against two of the greatest women wrestlers of this era in the United States--and JAY LENO is at the announce table with me!

Leno: Well, I hope that last part doesn't ruin all the good stuff, JR!

[Chris Eco]

NOTE: Just as magically as all dead wrestlers have come back to life, Mexican wrestlers have been taught by Sonia Sotomayor to speak a little English.

(Rey Misterio is in ring as the fans are cheering.)



Rey: Thank you. You know, there have been a lot of accusations thrown my way as of late by El Santo. And Santo, while I respect what you've done for our sport, you've been lying about me. You come out here, and you call me a steroid user based on an internet rumor, and you say I'm disrespecting lucha libre by continuing to wear--

(Gory Guerrero comes out atop the ramp.)

Gory: CALLATE! Misterio, I will not allow you to come out here and feed these people lies. How dare you think you can defend yourself? Not only have you disrespected lucha libre through your rejection of tradition, but you have disrespected my family by using my son Eddie's name to make yourself World Champion!

Rey: Hold on there, Gory, that's not what happened--

Gory: I have had enough of you! Rey, at CNLL Debut, you won't just be facing me--you will also be facing the legend of lucha libre, Mil Mascaras!

Rey: Wait, wait. A handicap match?

Gory: Yes, Rey, a handicap match. And you get a preview NOW!



(Mil Mascaras runs into the ring and jumps Rey from behind. Gory runs down to the ring and they begin stomping on Rey. The crowd is raining boos.)

JR: I don't believe it! Mil Mascaras, the great heroic luchadore, is helping Guerrero attack Misterio!

Leno: Mexicans jumping walls and attacking good men! It's Lou Dobbs' worst nightmare!

(Suddenly, EL HIJO DEL SANTO runs in, climbing atop the top turnbuckle. He yells to Gory and Mil, NAILING them both with a top rope plancha!)



(He throws Mil out of the ring, and dropkicks Gory out between the ropes.)

JR: EL HIJO DEL SANTO! THE SON OF THE SAINT IS HERE!

Helms: Misterio's former partner

(El Hijo del Santo grabs a mic.)

El Hijo: You are right, Gory, you will be teaming with Mil...but this will not be a handicap match. I will be teaming with Misterio. (Crowd cheers)

You know, you two old men have no idea what it means to be competing in the United States today. You don't understand the business pressures that treat losing a mask as a simple plot point, that compel one to get bigger or get out, that turn death into an angle. You expect a man to live by both Mexican and American tradition even when they conflict. Rey is not a disgrace--he has brought lucha libre more respect from Americans than any other luchadore. I am PROUD to stand in his corner.

Guerrero: (holding his head) Your father--your father will not stand for this!

El Hijo: My father will deal with it.

(Guerrero and Mascaras leave as El Hijo del Santo and Misterio pose in the ring.)

[Chris Eco]

(OOC: I was going to wait until the end for this, but Tex took him in the Left Over League last year and there are so many picks this year that I want to pull the trigger. My fed is old, sue me.)

(General Manager David Batista is in the ring with another announcement.)



Batista: You know, I have been searching high and low to find an opponent for Shawn Daivari since he was acquired by the CNLL. Sometimes, however, opportunities find you.

Yesterday, I received a call from a legendary wrestler—one who has fought some of the great legends of our federation, from Bruno Sammartino to Mil Mascaras. He’s also a great friend of the Bush family—

(The crowd in New Haven, CT boos EXTREMELY LOUDLY)

Batista: --and he has been taking issue with some of the things Shawn’s being saying, and has volunteered to wrestle Shawn at CNLL Debut. Ladies and Gentlemen, the WWF and WCW Hall of Famer…

718. Ernie “Big Cat” Ladd

[Jobber Blitz]

I'm just loving your card at the moment, Eco. You're telling some great stories.

[Chris Eco]

(Following the announcement of The Cat, some familiar music hits the titantron, but not Ernie Ladd's...)



(Chris Jericho comes down to the ring with a very serious look on his face and a very serious microphone in his hand. Batista appears to be expecting him.)



Leno: Well, that's my cue. Gotta make an announcement for the Corporation, boys.

(Jay Leno gets up from his desk and enters the ring.)



Leno: Great to be here with you boys. Now, as you both are aware, our corporate overlords have not been too happy with the altercations between its biggest star and its general manager. That's why Lashley has been suspended until the pay-per-view, that's why you two have been banned from putting a finger on each other. But tonight, you both get to exact a measure of retribution.

Batista: I get to kick his ass now?

Jericho: Oh get off it, Dave.

Leno: Close. You both get to choose the stipulation for the other one's match at CNLL Debut. (The audience cheers.) You will be given 30 seconds to decide. Batista, you're first.

Batista: First of all, I don't see why the hell as General Manager I shouldn't have been put in charge of deciding the stipulation of Jericho's match anyway--

Jericho: Maybe because they don't trust you, assclown.

Batista: Fine. You know what, Chris? I have full confidence in Dean Malenko's ability to wear your ass out--so I'm going to give him at least two chances to do it. You will be facing Dean Malenko...in a Two out of Three Falls Match. First Fall: Pin. Let me think...Second fall: SUBMISSION. Third Fall....Falls Count ANYWHERE.

Helms: Holy Trio of Death, Citizen Ross!

(Jericho starts laughing.)

Batista: What's so damn funny?

Jericho: Dave, you are incapable of taking advantage of an opportunity, aren't you? Sure, that match will be a bitch, but nothing but the championship is at stake. Your match will be a match...for the General Management of CNLL!

JR: WHAT?

Batista: (furious) Hold on! You can't do that!

Leno: I'm sorry, but I don't believe there are any restrictions on the stipulations. That's perfectly acceptable.

Jericho: Yep. So enjoy your last few days as untrusted general manager...because I'm walking out of CNLL Debut with the gold AND the power!

JR: Ladies and gentlemen, we may have a new general manager after this first show! And it may be the World Champion!

Helms: Holy Bad Planning On the Part of CNLL Management, JR!

[Chris Eco]

(The NEW CNLL ENTRANCE VIDEO HITS THE TITANTRON AND EVERYONE GOES CRAZY!)



(The lights go on in the Arena at Harbor Yard to reveal...)

781. Major Gunns



(Major Gunns storms down to the ring angrily, with a microphone in hand.)

JR: Tylene Buck, "Major Gunns", has a microphone! I sure hope the censors are ready.

Gunns: Lizzy, get your ass out to the ring! Get the fuck out here!

(Lizzy Borden comes down the ramp, but refuses to get anywhere near Gunns.)

Gunns: You better not get near me, bitch! Remember what you did to me the last time we were in the ring? Do you remember? Roll the fucking tape!

(Warning--the tape technically has namedrops, but ones who are probably on no one's list.)



Gunns: I do you a favor and appear on your piece-of-shit wrestling show, and how the fuck do you repay me? You cower from an actual match with me, and you have your goons jump me so you can humiliate me!

Borden: Yeah...

Gunns: Yeah? What do you have to say for yourself, bitch?

Borden: I say...some things never change!

(Linda Miles comes in from the audience, whip in hand, and jumps Major Gunns from behind! Boot to the gut, lift up, and Major Gunns EATS a powerbomb. Miles puts Gunns over her knee.)

Borden: (sliding in the ring) I'd like you to meet my executive assistant, Ms. Linda Miles. (picking up the whip) Now, let's pick up where we left off, shall we?

(Some rather familiar, if generic music, hits the arena.)



(Jacqueline Moore runs down to the ring and Lizzy Borden bails. Linda attempts a lariat, but Jackie ducks and catches Linda with her own boot to the gut. Jump off the ropes, Tornado DDT! Linda rolls out of the ring as Jacqueline picks up the mic.)

Jacqueline: Linda, what the hell are you thinking, girl? Hooking up with some white trash like Borden, helping her jump an innocent woman...You know what, Linda? I may not have been one of the trainers for your year of Tough Enough, but I can damn sure teach you a lesson. At CNLL Debut, how about you take on someone your own size?

(The audience is confused, as Jacqueline is very short and Linda is very tall.)

Jacqueline: Oh, you know what I mean. Your own skill level. You and me, Linda! At the Debut! You got the guts?

(Linda gestures her affirmation as Lizzy hides behind her.)

[Chris Eco]

(Batista is walking backstage when he bumps into Bobby Lashley. Lashley immediately hits an aggressive pose.)



Batista: How's that suspension going, Bobby?

Lashley: I'm not touching you, am I? Not in the ring, am I? I'm just getting my stuff ready for the show. Keep your distance.

(Batista takes a step forward.)

Batista: I gotta know Bobby...why you working for Jericho, huh? Why you playing his attack dog?

Lashley: It's not about Jericho. Hell, I make more money off mixed martial arts than that joker could ever pay me.

Batista: What's it about then?

Lashley: It's about you, Batista. See, we both were big shots in WWE. Fans loved us both. And yet, somehow, it was always you who got to play with the big boys. At Wrestlemania 23, you were in the main event, and I was Donald Trump's little wrestling bitch. You want to explain that, Dave?

Batista: Real easy explanation, Bobby. I earned everything I got--

Lashley: YOU DIDN'T EARN SHIT! You rode Triple H's coattails for a while, shot up some steroids, slapped guys like Booker T around backstage thinking you were untouchable. If it wasn't for your "vitamins" and your friends in the back, you would have gotten the boot a long time back, old man.

Batista: ...Those are some pretty harsh claims, Bobby. You want to stick by them?

Lashley: Yeah, yeah I do. And I'm going to say one more thing, and it can only be one more thing, because I can't let my fists do the talking. I'm a better fighter than you, Batista. Everyone knows it. But I'm also a better man than you. Maybe if your daughter had a role model in her life like me instead of a phony like you, she wouldn't have made you a fucking grandfather! I happen to--

(Batista hauls off and NAILS Bobby with a right hand! While Bobby is dazed, he EATS a spinebuster on the concrete.)

Batista: (getting up and fixing his suit) You know what, Bobby? I like you better when your fists are talking.

(Batista exits the backstage area.)

[Chris Eco]

(...and exits to the stage, acquiring a microphone on his way.)



Batista: Good evening. I hope none of you witnessed my rather...unprofessional moment back there. I do have a rather important announcement to make.

You see, as more announcements trickle out, I see that we're facing some rather stiff competition among our sister PWA feds. Michael Cole's Stone Cold Ultimate Real-American Jackhammer of a Wrestling Company--

JR: Is that the actual name?

Leno: To be fair, it sounds better than Wife-Beater--Gay-Hater--Shitty Father--Bret-Hart-Maimer of a Wrestling Company!

Helms: That was...that was harsh.

Leno: I'm building "heat"!

Batista: --has announced a tag tournament in the name of episodic television, while J.J. Dillon's Creepy Wrestling Federation has announced TWO tournaments. Basically, I'm pissed that our wrestlers seem to hate each other so damn much that we have a card full of grudge matches rather than structured competition.

Although..it does make us interesting. So for the sake of keeping things interesting, I am announcing that ANY match on the card right now can add ANY stipulation desired--so long as all contenders in the match agree to the stipulation.

I made this announcement earlier to the wrestlers situated backstage, so I expect that as early as tonight, we will have--



("What's Up" hits the Titantron, followed by "Pomp and Circumstance". Ron Killings and Gorgeous George enter.)

Killings: WHAT'S UP?

Crowd: WHAT'S UP?

Killings: WHAT'S UP?

Crowd: WHAT'S UP?

George: Will you please cut that out and let me give him our stipulation? (Clears throat) So, Mr. General Manager, Ronald Killings and I have agreed to put a little wager on our match. You see, if--well, when I win, I shall take it upon myself to make Mr. Killings a proper gentleman, the kind who can actually earn respect from the fans.

Batista: You're good with that?

Killings: Yeah, so long as I get my end. See, when George loses, he's gonna be getting some new clothes himself. I'll be giving him an education from the school of hard knocks, and making him a little more street, little less of a pompous ASS!

George: Well, that's a rather uncouth way of putting it, but yes.

Batista: Great. You guys got a match. Get to the back.

(Batista shakes Killings's hand, and then extends to George who hesitates.)

Batista: Don't you dare put that glove on.

(George weakly shakes Batista's hand, and immediately sprays his hand with disinfectant as he walks away.)

Helms: Holy Mix-Ups JR!

Leno: Looks like after the debut show, we'll either see Sir Ronald Killings or Gangsta George!

JR: Well, this is all part of Batista's Choose-A-Stipulation initiative--I'm willing to bet this isn't the last we hear!

[Batman]

That rules. Awesome, awesome, hilarious stipulation. I might be biased, as I am a mark for both guys in this feud, but I think it really kicks ass.


MTA: The one real problem that these sorts of "if I win yiou have to...but if YOU win I have to..." matches is that it usually telegraphs the result because one of the stips is so obviously much funnier than the other. Totally not the case here. In fact the only minus is that we don't get to see BOTH Sir Ronald and Gangsta George.

[Batman]

HAHAHAHA! Vince clearly reads CNLL!!!


(Just in case it's not clear, I'm referring to Batista being GM or "guest host" of Raw tonight. Very prescient. Reminds me of when WWE put Stryker on color just a few weeks after I did in my draft fed last year.)

[Chris Eco]

He did! FUCK YOU VINCE! Having the meathead main eventer as General Manager is MY IDEA!!

[Chris Eco]

("I Walk Alone" by Saliva hits the PA and Batista comes out to the ring. A "Earlier Today" montage opens on screen, with Major Gunns and Batista in the GM's office.)

Gunns: That bitch tried to humiliate me again, and I'm going to fucking humiliate her! Give me Lizzie in a spanking match!

Batista: Now Ms. Gunns, you are aware that your opponent must agree to the stipulation for the change to occur--

Gunns: I don't give a fuck what she thinks! Give me my match!

Batista: --however, Ms. Borden came into my office earlier with the same idea, so I will count that as her assent. ASSent...hee...*ahem* You have your match.

(The clip closes, cutting back to Batista's entrance video.)

Helms: Holy gratuitous titillation, JR!

JR: You know, after years in the WWE, this is a more than acceptable level of justification for such a match.

(Batista enters the ring, carrying a large brown bag and a microphone.)

Batista: I have a very special announcement for you all tonight--the ordination of a new championship. Now, as you may have noticed, the CNLL has no secondary singles title. This title may not be secondary per se, but it's grown clear to me that it deserves a place on our show.

(Batista pulls out of the bag a large golden title with the word "LEGENDS".)



Batista: The Legends Title. Just as our main title is only contested by light heavyweight wrestlers, this title will only be contested by legends of wrestling. As you may have noticed, we have a great deal of them on our roster. Therefore, rather than appoint this title, I am announcing a tournament to determine the first-ever Legends Champi--

(The Italian National Anthem hits the PA, and Bruno Sammartino comes out, with Pedro Morales following behind.)

Morales: Hold on-a just a second, Batista! We want to announce our match stipulation!

Batista: That's great guys. Can it wait until after this announcement?

Sammartino: No, it cannot. You see, you said we could pick ANY stipulation we wanted, so long as we both agreed.

Batista: Yes I did. Anyway--

Sammartino: So, you told us boys about this legends title earlier. And guess what? There will BE no tournament. Pedro and I would like to stipulate that the winner of our match...becomes Legends Champion!

(The crowd's reaction is decidedly mixed. Batista looks annoyed.)

Morales: If that's not-a in-a line with what you meant, we'll take it back--

Sammartino: NO, we won't. Admit it, David, it's fair.

Batista: ...Fine. I suppose that is perfectly in line with what I stated. You'll have your title match. But as for defending it on the following show...what I say goes, got it?

Sammartino: (smirking) You got it.

Leno: This is crazy! Are the next two guys going to stipulate the winner gets paid a million dollars by the company?

JR: DON'T GIVE ANYONE ANY IDEAS.

Leno: Oops.

[Chris Eco]

(Torrie Wilson and Alicia Fox are CONFRONTING~! Batista backstage.)

Torrie: Batista, I just don't understand. You sign us, and then you don't do anything with us.

Alicia: Why couldn't we be in the women's title match? Or fighting it out with Jacqueline and Linda?

Batista: Ladies, ladies...I have a very special plan for you. You two are so attractive and intelligent, I thought...

Torrie: Bikini chess match?

Batista: ...you could be my referees! Take the audience's mind off the wrestling when it's shitty and plodding!

Alicia: I wish it was a bikini chess match.

Torrie: Batista, can't you PLEASE put us in line for the women's title somehow?

Batista: All right. I have an idea. At our debut show, you two will wrestle in a handicap, no-disqualification match against our latest acquisition. If you two win, the one who pinned him will become the #1 contender to the Women's Championship. But if you lose, neither of you will get a shot at the title again. Agreed?

Torrie: (looking at Alicia) Agreed.

Alicia: Agreed.

Batista: Great. Meet your opponent. DRAGON DRAGON!



Torrie: ...

Alicia: ...

Dragon Dragon: HEAR ME! FEAR ME!

Torrie: ...

Alicia: ...

Dragon Dragon: Meow.

[Batman]

WTF?